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Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com
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Tomorrow, I'm going to the groomer.
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A little trim, a little blowout.
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Gonna be a full day of beauty.
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Not that you can improve on perfection.
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Tsk, tsk.
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I just hope I don't miss any fun.
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The kids do some crazy things around here.
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Well, that was weird.
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Finally, a movie we can all watch.
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A high octane action adventure...
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Romantic comedy...
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With rainbow ponies.
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Bless you.
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What?
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It came from over here.
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- Karl?!
- You're spying on us?
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What? No.
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Okay, maybe a little.
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I'm gonna send this photo to your mother.
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No, don't. Mother hates when I spy.
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She also hates when I chillax,
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and the fact that I was chillaxing
while spying would infuriate her.
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If you tell her, I'll tell
everyone your big secret.
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Big secret? There's no big secret.
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That's crazy.
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That should be made obvious
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by the absurdly large amount
of laughing I'm doing right now.
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Okay, I admit, there's a secret.
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I play the air banjo.
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That's not a secret.
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You invited me to your
country air jamboree.
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Oh, yeah. Thanks for coming.
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Thanks for having me.
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The secret I'm referring to is,
I know your dog Stan can talk.
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Stan can't talk. That is ridiculous, Karl.
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Isn't that ridiculous, Tyler?
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Yeah, you might as well say
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that we have a bear who cooks
grilled cheese sandwiches.
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Why did I say that? Now I
want a grilled cheese sandwich.
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I wish we had a bear.
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Please, I'm not stupid.
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I'm the only person in the world who
possesses a Karl fink-level intellect
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on the Karl fink scale of intellects
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one to Karl fink, Karl
fink being the highest.
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If my last name were fink, I don't
think I'd say it as often as you do.
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I've sensed for a while that
something was amiss regarding Stan,
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Karl finds out Stan's secret.
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It's not a clever title,
but it really draws you in
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by telling you exactly what it's about.
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And I've seen some amazing things.
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Seriously, no one notices
that a dog is deejaying?!
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Still proves nothing.
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Plenty of dogs who can't talk deejay,
go on spy missions, dance in clogs,
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punch grown men in the face,
lint brush sofas and drive cars.
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- They do?
- Of course. Yes.
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Not counting cartoons?
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No, probably not as many.
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Hi, hon, don't mean to interrupt.
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So you're still writing your
book on blended families, huh?
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Yeah, that is great. Just great.
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Really, really great.
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What is it?
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I'm just trying to figure out how
to tell my husband I'm concerned
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he's going to tell stories in his book
that make our family look foolish,
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but how do I do that?
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How do I do that?
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- When have we ever looked foolish?
- Well...
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Mama's goin' down!
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So we have fun. I wouldn't
say we're over the top.
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Exactly. You wouldn't,
which is why I need to
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have some input on this
project some input?
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Yes. I can't just be your
beautiful and alluring muse.
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I need to be involved in the writing.
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Like I'm... Riding shotgun with you.
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Literary one, Ellen.
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Of course, there's that time in the park.
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The dog just danced the tango,
and no one is questioning it?!
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You still haven't told us
one time Stan was talking.
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Let's cut to the Chase then, shall we?
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- I was there when...
- What are you staring at?
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Would you give me a second?
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I'm wondering if I should talk.
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That was all your imagination.
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I don't have an imagination.
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That's so sad.
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I don't know what I would do
without my imaginary friend.
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Right, Mrs. grimmons?
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Right you are, Chloe.
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Maybe what you heard was like
something on the Internet
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where a dog howls and it sounds
like he's saying I love you.
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Good idea, Tyler. I mean...
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That could be it. Like this.
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I rove you.
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I rove you.
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Well...
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Did he howl when he did this?
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Jazz paws.
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Try the kibble.
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You have a very show-bizzy dog.
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Fine, Karl.
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You know Stan's secret.
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But you don't have any proof.
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Avery Jennings, do you honestly think
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that Karl fink, your superior in every way,
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other than racquetball,
because you somehow manage
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to dart about the court like a jackrabbit,
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didn't make recordings of Stan talking?
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Well, if you have recordings, why
haven't you used them against us?
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Because something this big, you
wait for exactly the right moment.
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Hopefully Friday, so I can
savor it over the weekend.
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Toots. Yes, I was here for that, too.
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- Toots.
- Is that short for toodle-oo?
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No, I farted.
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Though this time, it
was short for toodle-oo.
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Consider yourselves lucky.
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What do we do now?
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If we go up to the woods, we
might be able to find a bear.
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I'm sorry. I really want grilled cheese.
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What are we going to do
about him, Mrs. grimmons?
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Not much we can do...
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One little girl and an
imaginary chambermaid.
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Bennett, are you the type of person
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that likes the bandage
ripped off slowly or quickly?
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- Quickly.
- Your book stinks.
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- Slowly.
- Your book stinks.
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But I have a solution.
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I'm going to co-write the book with you.
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I've jotted down some great stories
about my mothering expertise.
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Remember that time you and
Tyler weren't communicating?
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As I remember it...
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You two need to talk.
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Communication is the legs to the love
table around which we as a family eat.
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Brilliant, honey.
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Son, I am awed by your
mother's table metaphor,
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and ashamed that I sometimes
fail to heed her wise counsel.
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Love each other.
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Mom's right, and smart and
beautiful, and witty as all get-out,
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with the voice of an angel
and the heart of a Saint.
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How did someone like you land Saint mommy?
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Don't pinch me, lest I wake
from this wonderful dream.
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So that goes in the book.
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Are you kidding?
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That is not how it happened.
It happened like this.
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Bennett, I am just a flibberty-gibbet
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who needs her muscly armed
smart man to guide our family
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in ways that I cannot.
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I am muscley-armed.
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And brilliant, son.
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Why you spoke to the flibberty-gibbet
in the first place defies reason.
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His abs are muscly too.
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Mom's right. You are the most
fit and the most brilliant
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of all the fathers in my age cohort.
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We frequently talk about it
at school, as do the teachers,
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in case you were wondering.
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Who am I to argue with
people who are right?
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You mis-remembered the whole thing.
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I don't know whether
to laugh or be insulted,
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so I'll do both. Ha ha... hey.
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Okay, there aren't any vents in here,
so we can talk without Karl hearing.
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I'm so glad Stan's at the doggie day spa.
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All this talk about his secret
would really stress him out.
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Plus, he always comes back
with juicy groomer gossip.
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The Wilsons' Irish setter... Dye job.
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Chloe, we all enjoy Stan's dog dish.
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I didn't mean to do that.
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But we need to stay focused.
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How are we gonna keep Karl
from revealing Stan's secret?
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I know. What if we cover
Karl with pigeon feathers?
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Then, when he tries to tell
people that Stan can talk,
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no one will believe him.
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What? Why?
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Would you believe a pigeon man?
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I think I would.
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Look, Karl was afraid we'd send
those pictures of him to his mom.
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What if we tell her he's been spying on us,
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and ask her to delete the video
recordings on his computer?
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- What if she looks at them?
- We have to hope that she won't.
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It's our only option.
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Guess we're better off trusting Karl's mom
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to destroy the recordings
than we are trusting Karl.
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Stop!
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You were listening to us?!
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I just crawled in at the
end. Your house is not secure.
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Do not text my mother about the recordings.
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Too late, Karl.
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We figured out a way to stop you.
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And... send.
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Stop me from what?
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I was never really gonna
reveal Stan's secret.
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I've seen how much he means to you all.
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Stan, as bad as it was that
I said you were just a dog,
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it doesn't mean you should just run away.
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But I thought we weren't friends
anymore. We never fought like that.
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Of course we're still friends.
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You're the first real friend I've ever had.
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I'll always be your friend, no matter what.
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I'll always be your friend, too.
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If you know how much Stan means to us,
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and you weren't gonna reveal the
secret, why didn't you just say that?
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Because it would destroy our rivalry.
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I cherish being worst friends with you all.
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Or worsties, as I like to call it.
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Think of all the good bad times we've had.
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Okay.
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00:13:40,056 --> 00:13:42,590
Is that why you kept spying, even after
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you collected all of your
evidence to be close to us?
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That, and I enjoy the
snugness of close spaces.
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It's like a little hug.
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00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,767
The point is, mother will
look at the recordings
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on my computer and tell
everyone about Stan.
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00:13:54,704 --> 00:13:56,537
She loves attention.
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00:13:56,539 --> 00:13:58,472
Why else would she be a
body-building strong woman?
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00:13:58,474 --> 00:14:02,243
Stopping cannonballs with your stomach
hasn't had a real-life application
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00:14:02,245 --> 00:14:04,011
since the battle of antietam.
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That's true.
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I think... I guess. I don't care.
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00:14:07,116 --> 00:14:10,384
You have to delete the recordings
before your mom sees them.
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00:14:10,386 --> 00:14:12,086
That may solve your problem, but not mine.
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00:14:12,088 --> 00:14:14,121
What happens when mother
sees those pictures
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00:14:14,123 --> 00:14:17,124
of me in the vents spying and chillaxing?
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00:14:17,126 --> 00:14:20,161
Those recordings of Stan
are the only assurance I have
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00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:22,430
that you'll help me get that
text message off her phone.
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00:14:22,432 --> 00:14:24,799
Fine. We'll help you delete the message.
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00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:27,201
Excellent. We have a small
window of opportunity.
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00:14:27,203 --> 00:14:29,670
Mother's competing at a strong
women's competition in the park.
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She won't look at her
phone until it's done.
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00:14:31,341 --> 00:14:33,541
Wait. Back up a second.
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You have a bear costume?
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That's not important.
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Maybe not to you.
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00:14:39,782 --> 00:14:42,450
Who wants grilled cheese?
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I do, I do!
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00:14:52,794 --> 00:14:56,264
So I rewrote your whole book.
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00:14:56,266 --> 00:14:59,233
I was able to repurpose
several chapters of my journal
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00:14:59,235 --> 00:15:02,270
and fill it out with pictures
from our trip to Ojai.
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00:15:02,272 --> 00:15:04,071
Remember those tomatoes?
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00:15:04,073 --> 00:15:06,173
I ate them like they were apples.
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00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:09,243
Ellen, you can't just write my book.
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Don't worry, I'll let
you keep your name on it.
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I don't want a legal battle.
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00:15:13,750 --> 00:15:18,252
Besides, I'm not writing it, I'm fixing
it, like I fix everything around here.
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00:15:18,254 --> 00:15:20,154
Like that time...
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00:15:20,156 --> 00:15:22,256
Chloe, I'd love to jump
in, but daddy's afraid.
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00:15:22,258 --> 00:15:24,158
Honey, could you push me?
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00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,226
I'm all ready.
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00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:27,161
Bubbles!
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00:15:30,098 --> 00:15:32,867
I see you're enjoying
my delicious sandwich.
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00:15:32,869 --> 00:15:35,736
You're an amazing cook.
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00:15:35,738 --> 00:15:38,372
That's what I'm saying.
251
00:15:38,374 --> 00:15:40,441
Oh, I love it.
252
00:15:40,443 --> 00:15:42,243
I know. Mmm, yummy.
253
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:45,212
Mommy, you're a fantastic cook.
254
00:15:45,214 --> 00:15:48,316
Mmm. Scrumptious.
255
00:15:50,285 --> 00:15:52,386
Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few questions.
256
00:15:52,388 --> 00:15:55,690
What is your name, what year
is it, who's the president?
257
00:15:55,692 --> 00:15:59,293
Just trying to determine what
kind of damage I'm dealing with.
258
00:15:59,295 --> 00:16:02,330
Very funny, Bennett. But that's
how things are around here.
259
00:16:02,332 --> 00:16:05,766
No, I am the one who makes
things work in this family.
260
00:16:05,768 --> 00:16:07,868
Remain calm, son.
261
00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:13,274
I will get us out of this predicament
with my typical aplomb and ingenuity.
262
00:16:18,780 --> 00:16:21,682
Wow, dad, you were right.
263
00:16:21,684 --> 00:16:24,285
You are my hero.
264
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:27,688
And you couldn't have chosen a finer hero.
265
00:16:27,690 --> 00:16:31,225
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna go and not throw up.
266
00:16:32,861 --> 00:16:37,164
Let's see if I can make myself
trip over this fence. Whee!
267
00:16:39,234 --> 00:16:41,435
Yes. Good job, Bennett.
268
00:16:41,437 --> 00:16:44,505
You've twisted all these things
to make yourself seem great.
269
00:16:44,507 --> 00:16:48,242
If I'm not great, why did you give me
that father's day card that said I was?
270
00:16:48,244 --> 00:16:49,543
Because they don't make one that says,
271
00:16:49,545 --> 00:16:51,312
"your wife holds this whole thing together
272
00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:53,481
"and you're lucky to have her, buck-o.
273
00:16:53,483 --> 00:16:54,715
Love, Ellen."
274
00:16:57,652 --> 00:17:00,955
Mother's phone is probably in
her bag in the warm-up tent.
275
00:17:00,957 --> 00:17:02,923
Oh, good, she's onstage right now,
276
00:17:02,925 --> 00:17:05,693
so we can slip in and get
it before she finds out.
277
00:17:05,695 --> 00:17:08,195
Whoa, your mom's lifting a car.
278
00:17:08,197 --> 00:17:10,231
Is that part of the competition?
279
00:17:10,233 --> 00:17:12,733
No, she probably carried
it onstage because someone
280
00:17:12,735 --> 00:17:14,835
parked in her space again.
281
00:17:14,837 --> 00:17:19,507
Oh, let the people out
first next time, mother.
282
00:17:19,509 --> 00:17:21,742
Looks like that big woman's
guarding the entrance to the tent.
283
00:17:21,744 --> 00:17:23,677
How are we gonna get in?
284
00:17:23,679 --> 00:17:26,347
If only I had a couple more
hundred pounds of muscle,
285
00:17:26,349 --> 00:17:28,449
I could convince them I was a contestant.
286
00:17:28,451 --> 00:17:30,451
I'm already pretty cut.
287
00:17:30,453 --> 00:17:32,420
Tricep.
288
00:17:32,422 --> 00:17:35,456
I will pretend to be tatia, the trainer.
289
00:17:35,458 --> 00:17:37,992
Squat, thrust, squat, thrust.
290
00:17:37,994 --> 00:17:39,927
Squat, thrust.
291
00:17:39,929 --> 00:17:42,963
There's no time for
that. There's four of us.
292
00:17:42,965 --> 00:17:46,500
She won't be able to stop us if we
all rush at once. Three, two, one.
293
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:50,271
Were you waiting for me to say "go"?
294
00:17:50,273 --> 00:17:54,008
- Come on!
- Oh, now they go.
295
00:17:57,279 --> 00:17:59,346
I got it!
296
00:18:10,459 --> 00:18:12,693
Honey.
297
00:18:12,695 --> 00:18:16,497
I've been thinking, and I'm sorry
for taking over your book.
298
00:18:16,499 --> 00:18:18,299
I know it's what you do.
299
00:18:18,301 --> 00:18:21,902
And I'm sorry for saying you were
acting like such a meddlesome busybody,
300
00:18:21,904 --> 00:18:23,571
sticking your nose in my business.
301
00:18:23,573 --> 00:18:24,905
You never said that.
302
00:18:24,907 --> 00:18:26,640
Not while you were there.
303
00:18:26,642 --> 00:18:28,776
Because they don't make one that says,
304
00:18:28,778 --> 00:18:30,644
"your wife holds this whole thing together,
305
00:18:30,646 --> 00:18:33,347
and you're lucky to have
her, buck-o. Love, Ellen."
306
00:18:34,616 --> 00:18:37,952
Man, she is acting like
such a meddlesome busybody
307
00:18:37,954 --> 00:18:40,020
sticking her nose in my business.
308
00:18:41,790 --> 00:18:44,692
Still, I feel badly for
what I said about your book.
309
00:18:44,694 --> 00:18:48,028
And I'm sorry about
discounting your contribution.
310
00:18:48,030 --> 00:18:52,933
The important thing is that we
always end up completely in sync.
311
00:18:52,935 --> 00:18:56,070
I am so glad she is not gonna
get involved with this book.
312
00:18:56,072 --> 00:19:01,041
I'm so excited I'm gonna be
writing this book with him.
313
00:19:02,844 --> 00:19:07,515
Ah, Robert and I had the most
relaxing time at the doggie day spa.
314
00:19:07,517 --> 00:19:11,519
Yep, nothing in the world can
possibly stress me out right now.
315
00:19:11,521 --> 00:19:12,853
Karl knows you can talk.
316
00:19:12,855 --> 00:19:14,421
What?!
317
00:19:15,490 --> 00:19:16,924
Hello, Stan.
318
00:19:16,926 --> 00:19:20,060
Everyone back up. Robert needs some air.
319
00:19:21,563 --> 00:19:23,397
It's okay, Stan.
320
00:19:23,399 --> 00:19:26,735
We got the phone and we deleted the
text before anything bad happened.
321
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:27,368
What?
322
00:19:27,370 --> 00:19:30,571
Chloe, he doesn't know any of that, and
we probably shouldn't say anything
323
00:19:30,573 --> 00:19:33,741
given Robert's condition.
324
00:19:33,743 --> 00:19:36,076
Tyler, you do know that Robert's not...
325
00:19:36,078 --> 00:19:37,912
Never mind.
326
00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:41,715
So is my secret safe with you?
327
00:19:41,717 --> 00:19:43,017
For a price.
328
00:19:43,019 --> 00:19:45,386
I must know where you get your costumes.
329
00:20:03,505 --> 00:20:05,539
That's one secret you'll never know.
330
00:20:05,541 --> 00:20:07,074
Toots.
331
00:20:08,510 --> 00:20:11,445
Oh, Stan!
332
00:20:12,948 --> 00:20:15,983
Chloe, get us out of here.
333
00:20:15,985 --> 00:20:21,722
Good call, Mrs. grimmons.
334
00:20:21,724 --> 00:20:24,058
Well, the kids and my
relationship with Karl
335
00:20:24,060 --> 00:20:26,160
will never be the same now that he knows.
336
00:20:26,162 --> 00:20:29,530
We'll all have to be very
careful how we deal with him.
337
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:32,866
Of course, there are some
things none of them know,
338
00:20:32,868 --> 00:20:35,970
'cause they're only in
my mind, and on my blog.
339
00:20:35,972 --> 00:20:38,739
Hi, I'm Stan, star of freaky fido.
340
00:20:38,741 --> 00:20:42,042
I'm here to talk to you about a
cause that's dear to my heart...
341
00:20:42,044 --> 00:20:44,612
free-range
bacon-wrapped cats.
342
00:20:46,848 --> 00:20:48,449
Stan.
343
00:20:48,451 --> 00:20:50,017
Stan.
344
00:20:50,019 --> 00:20:52,052
Stan.
345
00:20:52,054 --> 00:20:54,688
Wait, what am I selling here?
346
00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:56,924
Oh, right. Kibble.
347
00:20:56,926 --> 00:20:59,159
I mean, Kibble.
348
00:21:26,121 --> 00:21:28,822
There's the sugar!