1
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,997
Look, I photographed this text message
on Miss Gulliver's phone
2
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:10,032
so she couldn't delete it
before I confronted her.
3
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,308
It's to some guy called Orlando.
4
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:14,557
"Can't wait for BDSM tonight.
I love my bondage and my freedom."
5
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,431
What does BDSM even mean?
6
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,119
- Bondage, domination and sadomasochism.
- Shut up, Mitchell!
7
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,639
Trust me, sir, I've watched a lot of porn.
8
00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:22,910
I'm sure there's a totally logical
explanation why she's texting
9
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,110
- some random guy about bondage.
- Why don't you just ask her?
10
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,277
What, sit her down and have
an honest conversation with her?
11
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,389
Grow up, mate!
12
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,635
Look it up, BDSM.
13
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,797
"My bondage and my freedom,"
I recognise that.
14
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:38,155
What the hell!
15
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,953
Cor, Rem Dogg, your mum's putting
a lot of strain on that harness.
16
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:41,989
(LAUGHTER)
17
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:42,995
Maybe she thinks I'm a prude.
18
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:45,156
- Have I driven her to this?
- Calm down, sir.
19
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,838
Here's what you need to do.
20
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:50,879
Alfie...
21
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,956
I don't remember inviting you.
22
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,710
So, before we plunge in,
23
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:02,469
maybe the newest member of our
clandestine cabal could...
24
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,192
introduce himself.
25
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:06,869
We'll be gentle.
26
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,399
(LAUGHTER)
27
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:09,873
Phew!
28
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,433
Hi, I'm Alfie.
29
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,277
I am into fetish play, er,
30
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:16,551
light spanking and threesomes.
If another dude's involved,
31
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,239
then preferably Rosie would be
holding my hand.
32
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,750
I brought a paddle and, er,
remember, guys,
33
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:26,236
dorm rules - it's not gay if there's
no eye contact.
34
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:33,519
Well, this fortnight, we read
My Bondage And My Freedom,
35
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:38,156
a heart-wrenching account of slavery
by Frederick Douglass.
36
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,474
BDSM?
37
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:42,114
Book Discussion Society, Magdalene.
38
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,438
I'll go.
39
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:49,348
(WHISPERS) Oh, my God!
40
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,833
♪ Yeh proper tings
41
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:08,000
Ripped By mstoll
42
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,514
♪ Original style
We come to kick the drum
43
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,516
♪ The wicked money spoil
Yeh. ♪
44
00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:22,159
(LAUGHTER)
45
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:27,035
So, it turns out
My Bondage And My Freedom is a book.
46
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,513
By Frederick Douglass!
47
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:29,993
I knew I recognised it.
48
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,110
In the nick of time(!)
49
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,355
Now, Miss Gulliver's staying with a friend
50
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,789
and I know it's that douchebag Orlando.
51
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,159
Listen, Sam Cam,
52
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,998
whining like a bitch
ain't going to make it better.
53
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:42,871
But revenge might. Where's Mitchell?
54
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:44,069
I'm going to mess him up.
55
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,838
With your spanking paddle?
56
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,633
Oi, everyone, listen up,
I've got some news.
57
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:49,749
I'm leaving Abbey Grove.
58
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:50,710
What?
59
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:52,995
Did Ukip set fire to your caravan?
60
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,917
No. Why does everyone think I'm a gyppo?
61
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,076
I'm leaving cos my dad's fairground's
been shut down by the council.
62
00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,429
TBH, your fair is a bit shit.
63
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,277
None of your dad's air rifles
shoot straight.
64
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,992
Tell that to the cashier at HSBC.
65
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,393
Going to pretend I didn't hear that.
66
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:05,919
You could still come to school.
67
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,552
Not that I give a shit.
68
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,556
What if Abbey Grove became
a boarding school,
69
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,068
you could stay in a dormitory
like I did at my school?
70
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,634
Cheers, Spanky, but I'd rather not get
gangbanged by the quidditch team.
71
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:15,954
(LAUGHTER)
72
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,069
This is bullshit!
73
00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,156
There must be a way of keeping you here.
74
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,351
Fraser, we need to turn
the playground into a paddock.
75
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,870
Well, we do need dollar,
dollar is what we need.
76
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,672
But fear not, I have a new initiative.
77
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:28,948
I'm renting out rooms after school.
78
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,468
The library is being used
by Miss Gulliver's book group.
79
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:32,589
Oh.
80
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:33,868
I told her it might be double-booked,
81
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,399
but she cracked the whip.
82
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,555
- Wpssh!
- Please stop.
83
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,113
The safe word's "banter".
84
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,310
- Banter.
- Consider me gagged and bound.
85
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,870
A Mr Hitchell Marper
is renting out the school hall
86
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,639
- for a retirement party.
- Right.
87
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,750
And I bagsied the gym
for my larping crew.
88
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,995
- Larping?
- Live action role play.
89
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,952
Picture a ragtag gang of shaggers
90
00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:00,278
and legends doing battle dressed
as dwarfs, orcs, elves and wizards.
91
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,959
Legends? Shaggers?
92
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,037
- Do you want in?
- I think I'll give it a miss.
93
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,354
Larping came in on my bucket list
94
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:10,836
just below drinking a gallon of urine
or dying of leprosy.
95
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,030
But I've told the lads all about you,
96
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,389
they're desperate to meet my best friend.
97
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:16,555
Er, best friend?
98
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,670
OK.
99
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,349
You know all that paperwork
winging its way down from Tory HQ?
100
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,358
The 25-page document I need to
complete on making
101
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,789
the kids' handwriting look more British?
102
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,548
(CLASSICAL MUSIC)
103
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,875
(WHISPERS) I will make that form
and all the others disappear
104
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,114
if you get your larp on.
105
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,355
Why are you whispering?
106
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,311
I think Gove had the room bugged.
107
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,719
Sneaky!
108
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:46,912
Love In The Time Of Cholera.
109
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,315
Sounds like our mini-break in Morocco.
110
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,592
One mouthful of shower water,
then... boom! Remember?
111
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,119
Fondly.
112
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:56,115
Can we talk?
113
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:57,673
- (BELL RINGS)
- I've got to read this.
114
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,439
For your "book club"?
115
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,516
Ugh, don't do inverted commas,
it is a book club.
116
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,551
Why is it being held in the library?
117
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,591
Because I wanted to support
Fraser's new scheme.
118
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,552
And I didn't want to have it at ours.
119
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,158
What, because you're ashamed of me?
120
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,033
Look, I don't normally care what
people think about us,
121
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,152
but I just had to convince my ex-boyfriend
I'm not going out with a gimp.
122
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,633
Orlando!
123
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,717
"Ooh, look at me,
I'm so vintage, I've got a pager."
124
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:22,795
He's a doctor.
125
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,159
He's a dick!
126
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,952
And, anyway, Orlando isn't even...
127
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,195
What kind of a name is Orlando?
128
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,754
I mean, where was he conceived,
the log flume at Disney World?
129
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,314
He was named after a book
by Virginia Woolf.
130
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:36,033
- Course he was.
- Don't be intimidated.
131
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,354
Er, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
132
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,789
Sorry, I can't work out
if you're joking.
133
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:41,995
I am joking.
134
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,634
Look, please, please
give me a second chance.
135
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:45,715
I'll come to the book group tonight.
136
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,593
But you hate reading,
and it's in six hours.
137
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,835
It took you a year to finish
Charlotte's Web.
138
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:53,599
Oh, you watch me,
I am going to prove that I am
139
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,949
just as good as any of those smug,
judgmental,
140
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,036
dweeby, Oxbridge shits...
141
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,231
...who are your good friends.
142
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,074
Right, change of plan -
I won't be teaching you today.
143
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,270
You guys can get on with these
personal statements
144
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,312
whilst I speed-read this dumb book.
145
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,759
Love In The Time Of Cholera?
146
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:17,869
Is it like Slumdog?
147
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,195
No, it's South American, I think.
148
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,071
- Oh, sweet, is there a cartel?
- I hope so,
149
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,829
cos thus far, this book has been
about as dry as a camel's fanny.
150
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,075
"Where do you see yourself
in five years?"
151
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,236
- How are we meant to answer that?
- Easy...
152
00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,317
Treading the boards, crunching
the numbers, on the dole,
153
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:34,634
in the clink and...
154
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,113
- Up the duff!
- No.
155
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,276
Working as a qualified beautician.
156
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,959
Who may or may not be pregnant.
157
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,558
Don't worry, sir - we'll be careful.
158
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,230
Just remember, kids, in five years' time,
159
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,077
when you leave university,
160
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:49,872
there will be nothing holding you back.
161
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,071
Except for a mountain of unpayable,
lifelong, crippling debt.
162
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,519
So be ambitious, children!
163
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,438
Remember, the sky's the limit.
164
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:58,356
How do you spell "celebrity"?
165
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,550
- Ah, gosh!
- Oi, Stephen,
166
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,795
- can I borrow a gel pen?
- What scent, cherry or lime?
167
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,273
Whatever.
168
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,517
Oh, oh, it's a mouse!
169
00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:10,790
- Somebody kill it! Somebody get it!
- Mitchell?
170
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,354
Well, it's me last day, sir,
so I did a few pranks.
171
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,833
Ah, you scamp!
172
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,598
Calm down, Stephen.
173
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,791
Remember, it's more afraid of you
than you are of it.
174
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,319
Why do you even have a mouse?
175
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,555
I feed 'em to my snake.
176
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,272
Oh, shit!
177
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,038
(CHILDREN LAUGH)
178
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,718
It's a snake!
179
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:32,832
Calm down, sir. It's more afraid of
you than you are of it.
180
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,353
Pizza?
181
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:42,949
I like this Mitchell prank.
He ordered 200 on the school account.
182
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,275
How far have you got?
183
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:46,594
Page five!
184
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,756
I'll look like an idiot tonight
at the book group
185
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,075
and Miss Gulliver's going to end up
186
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:54,874
shagging Orlando in his... sex library.
187
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,990
Can I help? I can read a chapter for you,
if you like.
188
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,315
I wish you could, but I'd need, like,
189
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,796
15 yous to read the whole bloody thing.
190
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,758
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
191
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,678
- Yes, I am! Cloning!
- Book pool!
192
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:11,393
Yeah, you're right,
book pool is a much better idea.
193
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,590
Everyone in the class can read one
chapter each.
194
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:15,073
Gather the team!
195
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,348
Where are you going?
196
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,914
To tell the librarian to get
her sweet little 70-year-old ass
197
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,918
down to Waterstones pronto,
cos Love In The Time Of Cholera
198
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,918
has just been put on the goddamn syllabus.
199
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,280
What are you doing tonight?
200
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,709
It's just my leaving party. Can you come?
201
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,399
I don't know, innit?
202
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,475
Maybe.
203
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:45,274
Look, I just wondered if you fancied...
204
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,276
No, if...
205
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:48,753
...if you had a type...
206
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,837
...of pizza what you go for?
207
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,518
Yeah.
208
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,312
Every girl's got their type.
209
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,033
- See, I like my pizzas well hot...
- Yeah.
210
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,913
...With lots of dough.
- All right.
211
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,155
Minimum, 12 inches.
212
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,475
- Oh.
- What have their own car
213
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,592
and don't live in a shitty caravan
with their fam... fam.
214
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,278
I don't think Domino's do that one.
215
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,916
- What about our personal statements?
- Park those,
216
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,598
this is way more important!
217
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:26,756
Right, Jing - you'll take chapter two.
218
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,313
Stephen, chapter three.
Mitchell, chapter four.
219
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:32,831
Chantelle, chapter five. And Joe's going
to bring it on home with the anchor leg.
220
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,438
Only if you help me out first.
221
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,438
Fine, but I won't lie in court and
I refuse to handle stolen goods.
222
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,755
Cleo's peng and this party's
the last opportunity I'm gonna have
223
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,473
to pull her, but she thinks I'm about
as sexy as a shit in a lift.
224
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,431
With a turn of phrase like that,
I'm amazed she can resist you(!)
225
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,789
I'll help you, babe! We all will.
226
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,832
I've seen this a million times -
boy wants girl way out of his league,
227
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,155
it's got Super Sweet 16
written all over it.
228
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,952
Stephen's right, you've got to
look your best tonight.
229
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,878
Don't take this the wrong way,
but does your dad have a court suit?
230
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,512
- Yeah, used to be his lucky suit.
- What happened?
231
00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,834
Got found guilty.
232
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,552
Perfect. So he won't be needing it.
233
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,477
If you're going for the suit,
you might as well go the whole hog.
234
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,715
As the toilet attendants do say,
no spray, no lay.
235
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,478
Where am I going to find pepper spray?
236
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:08,919
What? No! Aftershave.
237
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:09,995
To stand a chance with Cleo,
238
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:11,439
this party has to be fierce,
239
00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:12,993
I'm talking hot tub!
240
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,553
- Not going to happen.
- Strippers!
241
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:15,919
- No way!
- Vodka luge?
242
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,359
- It's a school.
- Lap dancers.
243
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,913
You're obsessed.
244
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,394
You'd better be there tonight,
Dickers - bring the ball and chain.
245
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:22,759
And the gag and the whip, oi, oi!
246
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,518
(LAUGHS)
247
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:30,349
Oh, Jesus! Are you wearing
anything underneath that?
248
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,719
Does talcum powder count?
249
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:32,670
Definitely not.
250
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,439
Then, no, I am as naked
as the day I was arrested
251
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,550
in Bensons for Beds
trying out a double divan.
252
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,956
I sleep nude, I'm not going to make
an ill-informed purchase.
253
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,036
Look, Fraser, about the larping...
254
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,833
The look on my friends' faces
when they find out you're real!
255
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,758
I can't come. I really have to
go to this book group.
256
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,233
But Malcolm and Philip,
they're expecting you.
257
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:51,952
I'm sorry.
258
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,958
Ugh, very well, then.
259
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,275
The last of Gove's initiatives.
260
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,880
He wants the pupils to write with quills.
261
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:03,117
Oh, all those boxes to tick and look,
262
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,993
a 30-page guide on how to pluck a goose.
263
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,439
(SIGHS)
264
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,118
I'll come for five minutes.
265
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,718
Thanks, Alf. You won't regret it.
266
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,830
- Your bin's there.
- It used to be there.
267
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:27,199
Philip, Malcolm, meet my best friend.
268
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,834
Salutations, Alfred!
269
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:30,995
Nice costume.
270
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,996
(THEY LAUGH)
271
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,712
Thanks.
272
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,079
Fraser picked it out for me.
273
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,237
I was busy being a fully
functioning member of society.
274
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:43,512
The Hobbit possesses a tongue
forged of fire.
275
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,596
You jest nimbly.
276
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,837
If only he'd lavished similar
care on his costume.
277
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:49,676
(THEY LAUGH)
278
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:53,508
Indeed, Philip, a very sloppy Hobbit.
279
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,357
Right, I mean... I am here.
280
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,915
I spotted the mistake as soon as
he walked through yon portal.
281
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,349
- Pray tell, Philip.
- Tell thee I shall, fair Malcolm.
282
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:02,879
Are you two, like, medieval
Chuckle Brothers?
283
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,798
The ears, sirrah. In real life,
the halfling does not have
284
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,512
a pointed helix.
285
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,278
Did he just say "in real life"?
286
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,995
It's like Comic-Con all over again.
287
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,075
Mm.
288
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:17,109
Come, brother,
289
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:19,993
let us high to the mead.
290
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,236
They may be the biggest twats
I've ever met in my entire life.
291
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:34,076
- (WHISPERS IN ELVISH)
- What happened at Comic-Con?
292
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,917
Oh, nothing much.
293
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,872
I bought us all tickets and we went as
Sylvian elf archers,
294
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,798
and I stupidly turned up
with a longbow of Lothorian.
295
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,718
They were well within their rights
to send me home, to England.
296
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,797
To England? Where was Comic-Con?
297
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:48,829
San Diego.
298
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,353
Hark!
299
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,039
We must journey to the Dark Mountain
300
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:57,675
and there do battle with
Lord Gorath's dragon legion.
301
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,711
Cool! I'm going to nip for a shit.
302
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:08,230
Poor Fraser. Abandoned at the battlefield
by his only ally.
303
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,555
I'm coming back
304
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:14,673
and when I do, I'm going
to make it rain, bitches!
305
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,915
Hobbits can't cast weather spells.
306
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,235
Dick!
307
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,995
Joe, where the hell are those summaries?
I needed to be in that book group
308
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,712
five minutes ago.
309
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,830
I'm collecting them right now.
310
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,836
That's your dad's suit?
311
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,836
What was he found guilty of,
crimes against fashion?
312
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,553
Could say that, he robbed a River Island.
313
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,232
I need to give these to Alfie.
314
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,840
Nah, doing a crate escape, mate,
you got to drink your way out.
315
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,154
I can't let him down.
316
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,034
(SIGHS)
317
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,229
Pass me a beer.
318
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:50,593
I mean, the plot is so elegant.
319
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:56,192
Fermina marries the wrong man,
so Florentino has to wait 50 years
320
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,355
to be with her.
321
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,996
Sorry, I'm... retardé to the bibliothéque.
322
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:06,676
I brought hummus. Well, that's
better than last week's offering(!)
323
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:07,948
Bit uncalled for.
324
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,718
So, do we all have our books?
325
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,797
(WHISPERS) I thought I'd take a back seat
to start with, you know,
326
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,114
just get my bearings.
327
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:16,071
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Just... just take your time.
328
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:20,318
Were we all satisfied by
the narrative's denouement?
329
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,750
Well, I thought it was...
beautifully bittersweet.
330
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,870
If there's one thing I know about Rosie,
331
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,990
she abhors a Hollywood ending.
332
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,190
(LAUGHS) I do!
333
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:32,879
Yeah, well, she enjoyed Frozen.
334
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,593
Maybe you don't know Rosie
as well as you think you do.
335
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:36,789
People change, mate.
336
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,910
Or maybe they don't,
337
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,428
as Marquez posits.
338
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:44,552
Would you care to expand
on that hypothesis?
339
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,353
Um, yes. Yeah.
340
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,516
Watch me expand.
341
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,312
The author,
342
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:57,196
old Gabriella Garcia Marquezeria.
343
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,913
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
344
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,234
Whatever!
345
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,953
You say potato, I say frittata.
346
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,115
(LAUGHTER)
347
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,230
You know what, why don't we start
at the beginning of the book
348
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,679
rather than the end?
349
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,439
- Wouldn't that be more logical?
- Yeah, yeah, that's fine with me, yeah.
350
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,391
Wise old dude's with me.
351
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,795
What's that old saying people have?
352
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,796
"Don't judge a book by its cover,
353
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:22,755
"but do judge a book by the first
seven pages."
354
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,874
Oi, oi!
355
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:30,196
(♪ DJ SNAKE AND LIL JOHN:
Turn Down For What)
356
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,432
No, erm... one more thing...
357
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:43,790
...why aren't more books
358
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:44,955
printed in Comic Sans?
359
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,798
OK, I think we've covered
the first seven pages of the book
360
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,671
- pretty thoroughly.
- Why don't we move on?
361
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,632
Let's discuss the novel's message.
362
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,514
Ah, well, the text's thematic paradigm
is a simple one.
363
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,073
Love never dies.
364
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:01,192
Unless it catches cholera, burn!
365
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:05,392
And two lovers may part,
but their hearts will always beat as one.
366
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:11,031
Yeah, well, that's weird, because I
read the exact opposite in the text.
367
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,992
I read that, you know,
368
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,952
she made a mistake, so... move on, mate.
369
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,355
Well, isn't that completely
contradictory?
370
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,551
Literature's subjective, Orlando,
there is no right and wrong.
371
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,318
Yeah. Thanks, old friend.
372
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:25,713
It's a catch-24.
373
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,513
Alfie, you have read the end of the book?
374
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,516
Yeah. Yeah, read the end
375
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:32,835
and the beginning and the middle.
376
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,030
So, what specifically did you think
about the end?
377
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,629
Um, well...
Well, well, well, well, well...
378
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,557
very good question.
379
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,910
Um, the main guy is called Fernando
380
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,712
and it's a love story,
381
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,558
so do we all think that's why,
on Take Me Out,
382
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,795
they called it the Isle of Fernandos?
383
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,559
- He's called Florentino.
- Shit.
384
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:56,160
Maybe we should take a comfort break.
385
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,430
Great idea.
Someone's bladder's not up to it!
386
00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,993
I'm going to go and, er,
387
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,519
smoke a Gauloises.
388
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:02,754
Oh, and Orlando,
389
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,756
BT dubs,
390
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,076
if you're going to go drop the kids
off at the pool, just remember...
391
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:11,192
that's your arse, that's your elbow.
392
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,355
Alfie, you're on fire.
393
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,435
Thanks, babe!
394
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,515
No, no - you're on fire.
395
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:15,959
What?
396
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,228
Oh, shit!
397
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,390
Didn't like that scarf anyway, so...
398
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,435
Joe,
399
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,391
where have you been?
400
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:31,555
Have you been drinking?
401
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,954
Just give me the chapter summaries.
402
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,109
Relax, sir - have a beer.
403
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,673
No, I've got to get back to
this book group.
404
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,950
But, sir, it's my leaving party!
405
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,353
OK, one, but it's got to be quick.
406
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,311
(CAN FIZZES)
407
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:48,475
(LAUGHS)
408
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,513
Alf? Alf? Alf, there you are.
409
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,198
Where's your costume?
410
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:57,798
Fraser, the book club...
411
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,718
Malcolm and Philip said you'd bail
on me. I didn't believe them.
412
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,228
- I'm not bailing, it's just...
- No, don't worry. I understand.
413
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,511
Malcolm and Philip got to you,
I know, they're right,
414
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,437
you're not my friend
415
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,357
and you think I'm a loser, too.
416
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:12,835
Ahhh!
417
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,598
(GROANING)
418
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,036
Calm down, mate, it's non-contact!
419
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:22,629
Yaaah!
420
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,877
My brother in arms!
Isn't this amazing?
421
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:27,592
Yeah, it's all right, I suppose!
422
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,234
Oh, that hobgoblin you nailed thinks
he's going to be blinded for life.
423
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,191
You might want to go easy on the gouging.
424
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,040
Whoop, whoop - it's the bell-end patrol!
425
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:38,593
(PHONE BEEPS)
426
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,835
Whoa, put your phone away -
it's historically inaccurate.
427
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,678
Last month, Phil and Malc caught me
wearing a digital wristwatch.
428
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,517
They quite rightly punished
my blooper by making me
429
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,709
sit in a barrel for five hours.
430
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,990
My doctor thinks I'm going to have
back problems for life.
431
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,278
I'm sorry, Fraser, I've got to get back.
432
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,958
- But, Alf, I'm outnumbered!
- I'm sorry.
433
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,756
(SCREAMS)
434
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:09,835
My notes, no peeking!
435
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,598
Yes, I thought the plot
436
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,200
might prove too complex for some readers.
437
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,913
Complex! A child could read it.
438
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,349
But would a child understand it?
439
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,469
Hopefully.
440
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,313
Go and talk to Cleo.
441
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,511
I'm going, I'm going. I just need to
be a bit more drunker.
442
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:31,959
It's not as fun without Mr Wickers.
443
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,399
Hope the book club's going well.
444
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,352
I think I gave him some good ammo.
445
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:40,791
Marquez views love not as a sickness,
446
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,274
but as an ontological phenomenon.
447
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,915
The lovers exist
within their own relationship
448
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:54,275
and, as we all know, the course of
true love never did run smooth.
449
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,753
- Oh!
- Wow!
450
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:58,189
- (APPLAUSE)
- That was beautifully put.
451
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,754
Well, that was kind of what I was saying.
452
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:01,789
Quote time!
453
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:04,559
"The only regret I will have in dying
454
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,477
"is if it is not for love."
455
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:07,635
Florentino.
456
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:09,829
Thank you.
457
00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,599
While we're on that theme, er, er,
458
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,870
what did we all make
of Florentino's character?
459
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,114
Well...
460
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,149
I've got this one as well. Sh!
461
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,316
Well, I thought the book was
totes obvious.
462
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:20,759
Really?
463
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,519
Er, hello! Come on, babe,
a tale as old as time.
464
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,835
The lead character, Florentino,
465
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,599
is definitely gay.
466
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,155
But he's in love with a woman.
467
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,311
So was Ricky Martin.
468
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,112
So what did you make of it?
469
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,958
Well, I didn't have time to read it,
so I just took an educated guess.
470
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,912
- You made it up.
- He said it was set in South America,
471
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,279
so I just thought two plus two equals...
472
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,117
A massive pile of coke
473
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:53,395
now covered in the brains
and blood of the cartel boss,
474
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,510
El Cojones Grandes,
475
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,711
who'd just been shot in the back
of the head
476
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,671
...by Ross Kemp.
477
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,951
(WHISPERS) Oh, you dick!
478
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:05,989
What are you guys talking about?
479
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:07,598
- The book report.
- Oh, yeah.
480
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:08,595
When do you have to hand them in by?
481
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:10,312
Joe already took them, babes.
482
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,873
What?
483
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,957
But they were our personal statements,
weren't they?
484
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,231
Hang on, hang on, let me get
this straight - you think Fermina's
485
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,716
motivation was not to be reunited
with her true love,
486
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,832
but to open a nail salon in Chigwell
487
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,474
and save up for breast implants
488
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,909
and then marry her teacher?
489
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,632
Ye... yeah.
490
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:32,829
Right.
491
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,997
- Well, shall we call it a night?
- Yes.
492
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,238
Alfie, it's Fraser.
493
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,430
I've cornered Philip and Malcolm
in the gents.
494
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,436
Come and help me slay them.
495
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,629
Thus the trap is set.
496
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,592
We shall slay your deformed Hobbit
497
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,393
right here, in the stoolery.
498
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,476
And what shall we do with this one?
499
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,715
Fetch me... the barrel.
500
00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,955
Huh! Good idea.
501
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,116
(BOTH LAUGH)
502
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,151
(BOTH SIGH)
503
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,509
- Right, I'll fetch the barrel.
- Yeah, yeah, cool.
504
00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,355
If it's any consolation,
I thought your version,
505
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,834
with the strippers and the drug dealers,
sounded pretty good.
506
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:22,031
I've forced her into the arms of her ex.
507
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,911
Oh, er, listen...
508
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,109
Rosie,
509
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,230
she just needs space.
510
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:31,108
I want you to know that
nothing's happened.
511
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,276
We don't know that, Richard.
512
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:38,032
Alfie, let's have coffee tomorrow
and just talk everything through.
513
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,799
Are you still OK to drive me home,
Richard?
514
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,353
- Yeah.
- Hey, Rich,
515
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,516
make sure that snaky ex
doesn't follow her home.
516
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:45,913
Er, Alfie,
517
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,190
Richard is my ex.
518
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:49,434
What?
519
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,392
But he's a little old man.
520
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,874
- He was my lecturer at Oxford.
- Yeah,
521
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,831
we used to walk together
through the woods,
522
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,269
reciting poetry by heart.
523
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,393
A thing of beauty is a joy for ever
Its loveliness increases
524
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,590
It will never pass into nothingness
525
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,076
But still will keep a bower quiet for us.
526
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,553
Mm.
527
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,477
My friend Billy had a ten-foot willy
528
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,431
And he showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake
529
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,152
So she hit it with a rake
and now it's only six-foot-four.
530
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,077
I've got rhymes, too - what of it,
531
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,951
- Brucey?
- Alfie, come on.
532
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:20,830
Look, I just need time.
533
00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:22,359
- You want time?
- Mm-hm.
534
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,958
And you're picking the ticking clock
over here?
535
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,558
I'm not picking anything.
536
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,398
I'm just saying that I need
some space to...
537
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:29,509
to think!
538
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,590
The course of true love
never did run smooth.
539
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,551
Fuck off, Orlando.
540
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:42,272
(CHEERING)
541
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,753
(♪ MAGIC!: Rude)
542
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,831
(BURPS)
543
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,472
Right, now I'm ready.
544
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,555
Oi, Cleo... Look, I just
wanted to say that...
545
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,558
Well, I may not have a car or 12 inches,
546
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,431
I'm probably like, an eight, minimum.
547
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,790
Wait, no... Can I start again?
548
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,637
If I kiss you,
549
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,033
will you shut up?
550
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,394
For ever.
551
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:22,632
Fraser!
552
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,955
BOTH: Yah!
553
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:28,197
Ah, trusting Hobbit,
554
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,550
prepare to taste orcan steel.
555
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:32,555
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
556
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,034
It's a trap! Run, Alfie, run!
557
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:36,195
(BOTH LAUGH)
558
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:40,153
I send thee to the spirit world.
559
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:46,999
You're... you're meant to fall down.
560
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,315
- Hn!
- Ooh!
561
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:50,759
- Hn!
- Uh!
562
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:56,591
Hold your head back.
563
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,392
We're going to report this, Fraser!
564
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,954
Yes, you should report it,
565
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:06,199
that two Frostblood orc warriors
were slain by a sloppy Hobbit.
566
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,390
Come on, Malc -
Mum's waiting to pick us up.
567
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,514
- She's staying at her ex's tonight.
- Miss Gulliver loves you, Alfie.
568
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:17,279
Maybe she just needs some time
to realise why that is.
569
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,595
Right nut sacs, I'm off.
570
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,153
- How did it go with Cleo?
- Amazing.
571
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:22,997
She said I was the worst kisser
she's ever had...
572
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:23,995
and I got a lob on.
573
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,393
TMI.
574
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,998
But if I promised not to
brag about it on Facebook,
575
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:28,155
she said she'll go Nando's with me.
576
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,599
Well done, mate,
577
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,358
I'm happy for you.
578
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:32,594
We all are.
579
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,676
Babe, we're going to miss you so much.
580
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,153
God, I hate goodbyes.
581
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:40,959
Joe, mate,
582
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,753
if I ever said mean things to ya,
it was just banter.
583
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,109
The best thing you can do is grow up,
make loads of bunts,
584
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:48,628
get a proper fit bird
and make me look like a muppet.
585
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,795
Dickers, I used to think there were
two types of teachers,
586
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,592
the arseholes and the tragedies.
587
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:57,675
You're an exception.
588
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:00,598
If I saw you on the street,
I wouldn't shout obscenities at ya,
589
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,756
I'd go for a pint with ya,
590
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:04,870
and tell you you was a twat to your face.
591
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,036
Thank you, Mitchell.
592
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:10,117
That's the most beautiful thing
anyone has ever said to me.
593
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,754
I heard that posh people are
emotionally undernourished,
594
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,677
but you are something else.
595
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:18,235
Rem Dogg, this could be hard,
seeing as you don't talk any more
596
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,919
and I know you've become
a bit of a weirdo this term,
597
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,439
but you'll always be me best mate.
598
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,235
And when you're out of this phase,
you give me a bell,
599
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,748
we'll go to Maccy D's, throw tampons
at traffic wardens,
600
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,631
just like old times.
601
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:41,159
Bye, guys.
602
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:50,235
Mitchell?
603
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:54,912
I love you!
604
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,910
Ha-ha, gay!
605
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:04,948
Oi, oi!
606
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,392
Mr Wickers, we've received
some noise complaints.
607
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:12,955
One last prank is it, Mitchell?
608
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,558
Have I been a naughty boy, Officer?
609
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,909
Are you going to punish me
with your truncheon?
610
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:17,915
Sir?
611
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,837
Let's get this over and done with.
612
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,832
Strippers don't wear Kevlar!
613
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,791
You have the right to remain silent.
614
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:32,878
♪ Yeh proper tings
615
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,678
♪ Original style
We come to kick the drum
616
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,234
♪ The wicked money spoil
Yeh... ♪
617
00:27:53,500 --> 00:28:01,500
Ripped By mstoll