1
00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:04,242
- Hey, Nick?
- Shh, I'm reading.
2
00:00:04,244 --> 00:00:06,406
- Can you just give me a second?
- What do you want this time?!
3
00:00:06,408 --> 00:00:08,515
So, I'm... I'm pitching on
the sponge account today.
4
00:00:08,517 --> 00:00:09,898
It's kind of a... it's kind of a big deal.
5
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:13,000
I'm just wondering why my idea
notebook is covered in crimson stains.
6
00:00:13,002 --> 00:00:14,343
Oh, that's a fair question.
7
00:00:14,345 --> 00:00:15,712
It's either Sloppy Joes, or it's blood.
8
00:00:21,462 --> 00:00:23,606
You unbelievable pig person!
9
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:26,681
You giant, fat pig person! You sloth.
10
00:00:26,683 --> 00:00:28,778
You should be living in a tree
in Costa Rica, you know that?
11
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,813
Hi, guys. Um, have either
of you seen the French press?
12
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:33,679
The French press is in cupboard 64B.
Did you not consult your item map?
13
00:00:33,681 --> 00:00:35,593
No, I looked there. The Tagine's in 64B.
14
00:00:35,595 --> 00:00:38,809
What is the Tagine doing in 64 frickin' B?!
15
00:00:38,811 --> 00:00:40,377
I used the French press.
16
00:00:40,379 --> 00:00:42,112
Everybody chill out. So
it's in here somewhere.
17
00:00:42,114 --> 00:00:44,081
Nick, you know you're not
allowed to use the French press.
18
00:00:44,083 --> 00:00:45,749
I use it to get the pulp out of my juice.
19
00:00:45,751 --> 00:00:47,184
So just give me one second, I'll find it.
20
00:00:47,186 --> 00:00:48,719
Hold on. Oh, yeah.
21
00:00:48,721 --> 00:00:50,955
I wasn't looking for it,
but I found my pulp bowl.
22
00:00:50,957 --> 00:00:54,044
That is a crystal candy
bowl filled with orange goop.
23
00:00:54,046 --> 00:00:56,366
I don't need to sit here and
take this! I'm going to my study.
24
00:00:56,368 --> 00:00:58,296
You are gonna get back here
and clean your room, mister!
25
00:00:58,298 --> 00:01:01,827
- Guys, I still need the French press.
- Winston, I need my study corner!
26
00:01:02,570 --> 00:01:05,071
No, not after last time.
27
00:01:08,773 --> 00:01:12,101
Hey, Winnie! You know there's
an Albany in California?
28
00:01:12,765 --> 00:01:15,624
Well, hello, Winston Bishop.
29
00:01:15,626 --> 00:01:17,638
I towel-burned my unders.
30
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,458
Well, I just prairie-dogged
thanks to you guys.
31
00:01:19,460 --> 00:01:21,780
Stop fighting! Now the
bathroom stinks for no reason.
32
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:23,812
You happy, Schmidt? You
just scared Coach's poop!
33
00:01:23,814 --> 00:01:26,741
No, I'm not happy. I'm poor, and
I'm living in a filthy thimble.
34
00:01:26,743 --> 00:01:29,260
I've gone from riches to
rags. It's reverse Annie.
35
00:01:29,262 --> 00:01:31,695
Oh, spoiler alert. Now
you just ruined Annie.
36
00:01:34,618 --> 00:01:35,905
Guys, chill out!
37
00:01:35,907 --> 00:01:37,935
Schmidt, your people
have been selling sponges
38
00:01:37,937 --> 00:01:40,441
since the days of Abraham. You got this.
39
00:01:40,443 --> 00:01:43,074
Nick, the pulp bowl is
real gross. Tighten up.
40
00:01:43,142 --> 00:01:46,693
Most importantly, my dad is
coming with his new girlfriend,
41
00:01:46,695 --> 00:01:48,124
and I need the French press.
42
00:01:48,126 --> 00:01:51,437
- Oh, 64B. The Tagine is in 64B.
- 64B is occupied!
43
00:01:53,226 --> 00:01:55,544
Uh, he said the Tagine is in 64B.
44
00:01:55,546 --> 00:01:57,046
It stinks in there! What did you do?!
45
00:01:57,048 --> 00:01:58,381
You kill an animal?!
46
00:02:03,187 --> 00:02:05,952
sync and corrections by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:02:08,868 --> 00:02:11,093
How long before you unleash holy
hell on your dad's new girlfriend?
48
00:02:11,095 --> 00:02:13,335
I want to make sure I got a
good seat and plenty of snacks.
49
00:02:13,337 --> 00:02:16,440
Okay, Cecilia, look, I know
I've been a little bit hard
50
00:02:16,442 --> 00:02:18,075
on my dad's girlfriends in the past...
51
00:02:18,077 --> 00:02:21,153
I know you stole my
dad's credit card, Margot.
52
00:02:21,155 --> 00:02:22,913
Hit the damn road.
53
00:02:22,915 --> 00:02:23,914
I don't have a car.
54
00:02:24,162 --> 00:02:25,662
Find one.
55
00:02:26,686 --> 00:02:29,583
I was the one who had to pick up
the pieces when his heart got broken.
56
00:02:29,585 --> 00:02:31,202
Besides, to hear my dad talk,
57
00:02:31,204 --> 00:02:34,552
it sounds like he has
really found someone who...
58
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:35,693
is good for him.
59
00:02:36,246 --> 00:02:37,212
Ha!
60
00:02:37,496 --> 00:02:39,187
And you believe that?
61
00:02:39,189 --> 00:02:41,984
Your dad has terrible taste in women.
62
00:02:41,986 --> 00:02:43,491
That's why I love him so much.
63
00:02:43,493 --> 00:02:45,991
Remember the one who
pretended to be a paraplegic?
64
00:02:46,401 --> 00:02:48,765
- Get up!
- I can't!
65
00:02:49,971 --> 00:02:51,601
Oh, whatever.
66
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,851
That's the last one I met, and I'm
lucky he's letting me meet this one.
67
00:02:54,853 --> 00:02:58,030
So, what? You're just gonna be
nice to her? No fireworks? No show?
68
00:02:58,032 --> 00:03:00,788
I'm gonna be nice to
her no matter who she is.
69
00:03:00,790 --> 00:03:02,733
Then what the hell am I doing here?
70
00:03:02,735 --> 00:03:03,968
Oh.
71
00:03:04,698 --> 00:03:07,577
- Hey, sweetie. Hi. Hi.
- Hi, Daddy.
72
00:03:07,579 --> 00:03:09,429
Gee, I'm sorry we're late,
73
00:03:09,431 --> 00:03:12,140
you know, but we saw Seal at the airport.
74
00:03:12,142 --> 00:03:14,788
We talked to him for 20
minutes, got his autograph.
75
00:03:14,790 --> 00:03:16,256
- Wasn't him.
- No.
76
00:03:16,695 --> 00:03:19,429
- Anyway, this is Ashley.
- Hi.
77
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:26,507
I think, um, we went to
high school... together.
78
00:03:26,509 --> 00:03:30,080
- You went to high school together!
- We went to high school together!
79
00:03:30,082 --> 00:03:32,171
Julie Berkman's older sister Ashley?
80
00:03:32,173 --> 00:03:34,140
That's me.
81
00:03:34,142 --> 00:03:36,616
Is this fun or what?
82
00:03:40,241 --> 00:03:41,757
Oh, my God!
83
00:03:41,759 --> 00:03:45,060
Your dad is dating Trashley Berkman?
84
00:03:45,062 --> 00:03:47,585
- Didn't she... ?
- Yes. She sexually intercoursed
85
00:03:47,587 --> 00:03:50,155
my high school boyfriend George
Jiang underneath the bleachers.
86
00:03:50,157 --> 00:03:52,530
- While you were sitting...
- Yes! While I was sitting on those bleachers.
87
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,421
Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece?
88
00:03:54,423 --> 00:03:57,648
It's horrible. That's
why God thinks it's a sin.
89
00:03:57,650 --> 00:04:00,976
Also, Trashley gave him
giardia in his belly ring.
90
00:04:00,978 --> 00:04:03,913
Giardia is a river disease.
She had river mouth.
91
00:04:03,915 --> 00:04:05,913
Wasn't George Jiang, like, six-11?
92
00:04:05,915 --> 00:04:08,413
Yeah. They called him George
Jiang the Giardia Giant,
93
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,681
and I never got to hold him in my arms.
94
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,155
What are you gonna do?!
95
00:04:13,138 --> 00:04:15,205
Uh...
96
00:04:15,349 --> 00:04:17,216
Uh... nothing.
97
00:04:17,369 --> 00:04:19,269
I'm gonna be sweet and kind and supportive.
98
00:04:19,734 --> 00:04:21,898
Look, peop-peop... people change.
99
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:24,062
People change. It's been 15 years.
100
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:26,890
- She had sex with our DARE officer!
- No way.
101
00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:29,973
There were rumors flying
around about every damn one.
102
00:04:30,790 --> 00:04:33,976
- You remember the rumor about me? What?
- Oh, that you shaved your chin?
103
00:04:34,554 --> 00:04:35,991
Was that was the rumor about me?
104
00:04:35,993 --> 00:04:38,327
- That was the rumor.
- No. It was...
105
00:04:38,618 --> 00:04:40,359
definitely sexier than that.
106
00:04:41,149 --> 00:04:43,486
Thank you guys for coming. It's
really helpful that you're here.
107
00:04:43,488 --> 00:04:45,632
I'm trying to get my boss
to give me the new account.
108
00:04:45,798 --> 00:04:48,702
I just have to figure out
how to sell sponges to men.
109
00:04:48,704 --> 00:04:51,734
What do I have? I have a
blood-stained idea notebook
110
00:04:51,736 --> 00:04:53,155
filled with terrible ideas.
111
00:04:53,500 --> 00:04:55,866
- I don't know what to do, you guys.
- Damn it!
112
00:04:56,368 --> 00:04:58,857
"Spongey make wipey." I like that.
113
00:04:58,859 --> 00:05:00,161
Okay, please. I don't have a lot of time.
114
00:05:00,163 --> 00:05:01,921
This is what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna say the word "sponge",
115
00:05:01,923 --> 00:05:04,356
and you guys are gonna say
the first word that pops
116
00:05:04,358 --> 00:05:06,288
into your head, okay? Ready,
one, two, three. Sponge.
117
00:05:06,290 --> 00:05:07,070
- Sponge!
- Yellow.
118
00:05:07,072 --> 00:05:07,991
- Sponge.
- That was mine.
119
00:05:07,993 --> 00:05:10,260
Okay, let's just try this. We're
gonna try this one more time.
120
00:05:10,262 --> 00:05:11,961
Okay? Just clear your head, okay?
121
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:13,398
So I'm gonna say the
word, and you're gonna say
122
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,699
the first word that pops in your head.
123
00:05:14,711 --> 00:05:15,945
Okay, it might be "sponge."
Don't say "sponge."
124
00:05:15,947 --> 00:05:16,946
- Sponge!
- Sponge.
125
00:05:16,948 --> 00:05:18,320
Damn it! Focus!
126
00:05:18,726 --> 00:05:20,804
I'm sorry. Okay, let's just try it again.
127
00:05:20,806 --> 00:05:22,734
Give me a shot. Give me
a shot. Give me a shot.
128
00:05:22,736 --> 00:05:23,960
I'm gonna say "sponge"
one more time, first word
129
00:05:23,962 --> 00:05:26,038
that pops into your head.
Ready? One, two, three, sponge.
130
00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:27,710
Sponge. Aah!
131
00:05:27,712 --> 00:05:29,979
- Winston!
- Sorry. So much pressure, man.
132
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:32,045
Okay, you know what?
Let's move on to Coach.
133
00:05:32,047 --> 00:05:34,218
Coach, here we go. You're
the man of the group.
134
00:05:34,220 --> 00:05:36,116
You should be good at this.
We're selling sponges to men.
135
00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:37,651
Ready, one, two, three, sponge.
136
00:05:37,653 --> 00:05:39,968
- Sponge.
- Why would you say that?
137
00:05:39,970 --> 00:05:42,163
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, come on, come on. Sponge.
138
00:05:42,165 --> 00:05:43,765
- Cake.
- What?
139
00:05:44,034 --> 00:05:46,434
- Cake. No!
- Sponge cake.
140
00:05:46,436 --> 00:05:48,507
We all know that men are idiots.
141
00:05:49,945 --> 00:05:51,421
How long have you been in my office?
142
00:05:51,423 --> 00:05:55,460
But what we don't know is
how much they love to clean.
143
00:05:55,462 --> 00:05:56,695
You're wasting my time, Schmidt. Go.
144
00:05:56,697 --> 00:05:58,397
Come on, Gina, you have
to give me this account.
145
00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:01,030
They want to market sponges to
men. I'm the only man in the office.
146
00:06:01,032 --> 00:06:03,968
Oh, speaking of. Sherri,
you got the sponge account!
147
00:06:03,970 --> 00:06:05,304
Touchdown! Yeah.
148
00:06:06,383 --> 00:06:07,582
Just hear me out here.
149
00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:10,773
The reason why men don't talk
about how much they love to clean is
150
00:06:10,775 --> 00:06:12,386
because they're afraid to admit it.
151
00:06:12,388 --> 00:06:16,421
Give me a chance here. Be the
one to put Schmidt on the map.
152
00:06:16,423 --> 00:06:19,234
Let's blast America right in the
face with a little bit of Schmidt.
153
00:06:19,236 --> 00:06:21,632
Oh! God in heaven! Fine!
154
00:06:21,634 --> 00:06:24,960
- Put together a focus group, okay?
- I will do that. This is exciting.
155
00:06:24,962 --> 00:06:27,460
- All right. Maybe next week we'll start it?
- No. Today, 3:00.
156
00:06:27,462 --> 00:06:28,929
Today... today at 3:00?
157
00:06:29,446 --> 00:06:30,648
Today at 3:00?
158
00:06:30,650 --> 00:06:32,749
3:00 today... that sounds great.
159
00:06:32,751 --> 00:06:34,030
I love that idea.
160
00:06:34,032 --> 00:06:36,166
Mm-hmm, you just... you just
earned a special thank you
161
00:06:36,168 --> 00:06:37,568
in my autobiography.
162
00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:40,577
Working title: Punting the Sweet Fantastic.
163
00:06:41,196 --> 00:06:44,468
I feel like you kind of have to do
something to write a book about yourself.
164
00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,246
Sports!
165
00:06:50,457 --> 00:06:52,677
Oh, it's just so great
to see you guys again.
166
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:53,927
Will you please remind me?
167
00:06:53,929 --> 00:06:56,919
Were you there my first
senior year or my second?
168
00:06:56,921 --> 00:07:00,122
I was not good at high school.
169
00:07:00,124 --> 00:07:01,818
Oh, the early 2000s.
170
00:07:01,820 --> 00:07:03,474
God, I did so much E.
171
00:07:03,476 --> 00:07:06,388
Just doing E, watching that show Ed.
172
00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:09,427
I would love to know
how you two lovers met.
173
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:13,060
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, sure.
- Okay, so I was listening
174
00:07:13,062 --> 00:07:15,458
- to him sing with his band, The Co-Pays.
- Yeah, well...
175
00:07:15,460 --> 00:07:18,278
- I didn't know you were in a band, Dad.
- Yeah, just... just me
176
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:19,584
and a few other pharmacists.
177
00:07:19,586 --> 00:07:21,366
You know, we do alt rock covers.
178
00:07:21,368 --> 00:07:24,355
Oh, man, when he started
singing "She's So High"...
179
00:07:24,357 --> 00:07:30,185
♪ She's so high... ♪
180
00:07:30,187 --> 00:07:32,964
Stop. Because I'm gonna fall in love again.
181
00:07:33,469 --> 00:07:37,685
- Okay, go, I want to.
- ♪ She's so high... ♪
182
00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:38,636
Oh.
183
00:07:39,671 --> 00:07:42,786
Oh, man. That was it. I was done.
184
00:07:42,788 --> 00:07:44,943
Ashley, have you kept in
touch with our DARE officer?
185
00:07:44,945 --> 00:07:49,083
- Oh! Cece.
- Oh. Okay, I... I get it.
186
00:07:49,085 --> 00:07:51,833
You guys heard about that rumor
that I had sex with the DARE officer?
187
00:07:51,835 --> 00:07:55,419
- No! Only a crazy person...
- That rumor was true.
188
00:07:57,038 --> 00:07:59,919
- Crazy fun person.
- Oh, yeah, that guy.
189
00:07:59,921 --> 00:08:03,265
- Wow, I did not just say no. I said yes.
- Oh, yeah.
190
00:08:03,267 --> 00:08:06,435
- I just said, "Yes, yes, yes."
- Oh, she said yes a lot.
191
00:08:06,437 --> 00:08:09,138
She's had sex with hundreds of guys.
192
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:10,903
Yeah. You know, we spent some time trying
193
00:08:10,905 --> 00:08:12,818
- to total them all up.
- It was fun.
194
00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:15,216
- Killed a whole Saturday. Yeah.
- We couldn't even get through the list.
195
00:08:15,218 --> 00:08:17,505
We got to the "Ls."
196
00:08:17,507 --> 00:08:19,310
But that was in the past.
197
00:08:19,312 --> 00:08:22,091
And then I was diagnosed
with a sex addiction.
198
00:08:22,093 --> 00:08:23,458
- Oh, great.
- Thankfully,
199
00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:25,200
I attended rehab.
200
00:08:25,202 --> 00:08:27,974
Which... did not take the first time.
201
00:08:27,976 --> 00:08:29,601
Or the second.
202
00:08:29,603 --> 00:08:31,322
But third time's the charm.
203
00:08:31,687 --> 00:08:33,060
For a lot of people. Not for me.
204
00:08:33,062 --> 00:08:34,687
For me, it took four. Four times.
205
00:08:35,538 --> 00:08:37,458
Well, Bobby, we should get
ready to go to the beach.
206
00:08:37,460 --> 00:08:38,523
- Okay.
- Yeah.
207
00:08:38,525 --> 00:08:41,380
Thank you so much for this
delicious brunch, Jess.
208
00:08:41,382 --> 00:08:42,435
It was wonderful.
209
00:08:42,437 --> 00:08:45,700
I ate so much, I'm gonna have to
bang nine guys just to work it off.
210
00:08:45,702 --> 00:08:47,038
Oh, my goodness.
211
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,989
I'm kidding. I did do that once,
212
00:08:48,991 --> 00:08:50,239
but I'm not gonna do it this time.
213
00:08:50,241 --> 00:08:51,692
It's all in the past for me.
214
00:08:51,694 --> 00:08:52,935
Isn't she great?
215
00:08:52,937 --> 00:08:54,732
I just love her.
216
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,849
She makes me laugh so much.
217
00:08:57,851 --> 00:09:00,239
What? What... what, are you humming?
218
00:09:00,241 --> 00:09:03,450
Mm... Dad, just so we
have this conversation...
219
00:09:03,452 --> 00:09:04,413
- No, no, Jess.
- She seems like the
220
00:09:04,415 --> 00:09:05,896
type of girl who might hurt you.
221
00:09:05,898 --> 00:09:07,976
- Jessica...
- I've seen you get hurt by a lot less.
222
00:09:07,978 --> 00:09:09,911
Please, don't... don't go there.
223
00:09:09,913 --> 00:09:13,101
No matter what you say, you're
not gonna change my mind.
224
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:16,701
I'm in love with her,
and I'm gonna marry her.
225
00:09:19,494 --> 00:09:21,741
Gonna... get a new mom, Jess.
226
00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:27,974
♪ She's so high... ♪
227
00:09:27,976 --> 00:09:30,802
Hey, are you okay? Because I
am not sure if you heard that,
228
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,638
but there is going to be a wedding.
229
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,023
Oh...
230
00:09:34,913 --> 00:09:37,491
there will be no wedding.
231
00:09:39,038 --> 00:09:41,357
And it begins.
232
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,138
Why are we meeting in a parking garage?
233
00:09:44,140 --> 00:09:46,317
Because what we are doing is unsavory
234
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:47,700
- and we're hiding from God.
- And you also...
235
00:09:47,702 --> 00:09:49,466
you promised Winston and
everybody pizza, so...
236
00:09:49,468 --> 00:09:50,427
Yeah, you definitely did.
237
00:09:50,429 --> 00:09:52,888
- Yes, there'll be pizza.
- Just do one thing for me first.
238
00:09:52,890 --> 00:09:54,257
Here, memorize these.
239
00:09:54,587 --> 00:09:56,692
That's yours. That's yours.
240
00:09:56,694 --> 00:10:00,060
"I love sponges because they
connect my heart to my hand."
241
00:10:00,062 --> 00:10:01,702
Look, I had to scramble, you guys.
242
00:10:02,015 --> 00:10:04,083
I told my bosses how
much men love to clean.
243
00:10:04,085 --> 00:10:05,700
- What are talking about?
- Only you.
244
00:10:05,702 --> 00:10:07,403
- Yeah, only...
- Yeah. I know!
245
00:10:07,405 --> 00:10:09,099
Why do you think I'm
rigging this focus group?
246
00:10:09,101 --> 00:10:12,560
"Sponges make me feel more exhilarated
247
00:10:12,562 --> 00:10:15,669
than any home run or touchdown ever could."
248
00:10:15,671 --> 00:10:18,607
This is ridiculous, man. I'm out!
249
00:10:18,609 --> 00:10:20,747
I can buy my own pizza.
250
00:10:20,749 --> 00:10:23,161
Can somebody please loan me $15?
251
00:10:23,163 --> 00:10:26,263
Maybe like 20, 25, depending on toppings,
'cause I'd love to get a bunch of ham.
252
00:10:26,265 --> 00:10:28,067
- Ham. What about the tip, dude?
- What about tip?
253
00:10:28,069 --> 00:10:30,366
I don't give tips. It's for delivery.
You don't tip delivery people, ever.
254
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:33,122
- You definitely tip delivery people, but...
- Guys. Guys.
255
00:10:33,124 --> 00:10:36,138
I get sponges, this solves
all our problems. Okay?
256
00:10:36,140 --> 00:10:39,286
I make more money, Nick gets his room
back, I get my life back on track.
257
00:10:39,288 --> 00:10:41,146
Punting the Sweet Fantastic.
258
00:10:41,148 --> 00:10:43,239
For the last time, Schmidt,
that doesn't mean anything!
259
00:10:43,241 --> 00:10:46,239
Fine. But I'm gonna need one hour in
a quiet room to get into character.
260
00:10:46,241 --> 00:10:47,528
- No.
- Right on.
261
00:10:47,530 --> 00:10:50,361
After long and thoughtful
and careful consideration,
262
00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:52,435
Winston is in.
263
00:10:52,437 --> 00:10:54,882
- Okay.
- Assuming pizza is still on the table.
264
00:11:00,346 --> 00:11:01,778
Say "pizza" one more time, Winston.
265
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:03,278
- No, just don't.
- Just don't.
266
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,747
No, we just never talked about
267
00:11:04,749 --> 00:11:05,950
- when we're gonna...
- Don't.
268
00:11:05,952 --> 00:11:07,678
Just don't bring it up.
He's getting really mad.
269
00:11:07,694 --> 00:11:09,607
- Like, delivery of... Say "pizza."
- Say "pizza" one more time.
270
00:11:09,609 --> 00:11:11,435
- Don't say it again.
- Say "pizza" again.
271
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:12,763
- Pizza.
- Say "pizza" one more time,
272
00:11:12,765 --> 00:11:14,388
- I'm gonna k... kill you!
- I just thought
273
00:11:14,390 --> 00:11:16,554
maybe we'd talk about
toppings, perhaps, or something.
274
00:11:19,390 --> 00:11:20,755
Not a mirror.
275
00:11:20,757 --> 00:11:22,092
Not a mirror, you idiot.
276
00:11:22,094 --> 00:11:23,294
Not a mirror.
277
00:11:23,296 --> 00:11:27,231
Sponges make me feel
exhilarated more than any...
278
00:11:27,233 --> 00:11:30,489
Did you just say "sponges
make me feel exhilarated"?
279
00:11:30,491 --> 00:11:32,396
No, no. I... I..
280
00:11:32,398 --> 00:11:33,929
What do you think of sponges?
281
00:11:34,515 --> 00:11:36,763
- They're stupid.
- That's how I feel.
282
00:11:36,765 --> 00:11:38,739
- I mean, who cares?
- Ex... That's exactly how I feel.
283
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,468
What do you think of this whole place?
284
00:11:41,226 --> 00:11:43,514
- I'd rather not be here.
- "Be here" is what I was about to say.
285
00:11:44,366 --> 00:11:45,989
- I'm Nick.
- I'm Brittany.
286
00:11:45,991 --> 00:11:48,771
- Oh, my God, we have so much in common.
- Okay.
287
00:11:48,773 --> 00:11:50,325
My dad can't marry her.
288
00:11:50,327 --> 00:11:52,708
He gets hurt in relationships
with normal women.
289
00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:55,153
Yeah. He can't handle
a recovering sex addict.
290
00:11:55,155 --> 00:11:56,896
- No.
- What if she relapses?
291
00:11:56,898 --> 00:11:59,692
It would crush him. It
would crush his heart.
292
00:11:59,694 --> 00:12:01,638
I can't let this happen.
I have to protect him.
293
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:04,140
- So what are you gonna do?
- I could write him a letter
294
00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:05,757
about my feelings.
295
00:12:06,085 --> 00:12:08,237
We... Yeah, but her phone is in her purse,
296
00:12:08,239 --> 00:12:11,155
and we could check her
phone for dirt on her.
297
00:12:13,106 --> 00:12:14,872
But he hates letters.
298
00:12:14,874 --> 00:12:16,817
He always gets so frustrated
opening the envelope.
299
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,569
You know you want to check her
phone. You know you want to.
300
00:12:19,571 --> 00:12:22,013
Cece, we're adults; we're
gonna handle this like adults.
301
00:12:22,015 --> 00:12:24,044
- We're not snooping.
- You're right, you're right.
302
00:12:24,046 --> 00:12:27,349
That is... that's a huge violation
of privacy; you can't do that.
303
00:12:27,351 --> 00:12:29,411
Put that... What does it say?
304
00:12:30,060 --> 00:12:31,958
- It's bad. Mm.
- Give that to me.
305
00:12:34,218 --> 00:12:36,419
Dad, she's cheating on you!
306
00:12:36,827 --> 00:12:38,692
- What?
- Yeah, just ask Jim.
307
00:12:38,694 --> 00:12:41,685
At 10:40, Jim heard she was in town.
308
00:12:41,687 --> 00:12:43,333
At 11:52,
309
00:12:43,335 --> 00:12:45,942
Jim had his hands down his pants.
310
00:12:45,944 --> 00:12:47,927
And at 11:53...
311
00:12:47,929 --> 00:12:51,143
Cumin? What, is he cooking cumin?
312
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:53,896
Oh, my God.
313
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,450
My dad is the best guy in
the world, and you better
314
00:12:56,452 --> 00:12:58,685
hit the damn road, unless
you want to say hello to
315
00:12:58,687 --> 00:13:01,278
my old friends Crabtree and Evelyn.
316
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,148
That's my work phone. I'm a sex therapist.
317
00:13:05,020 --> 00:13:06,396
Jim is my client.
318
00:13:06,398 --> 00:13:08,528
Your... your client?
319
00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:10,825
- Client!
- Client.
320
00:13:10,827 --> 00:13:12,569
- Client.
- Client.
321
00:13:13,694 --> 00:13:17,593
- Am I supposed to say "client" now?
- I'm gonna go. This was clearly a mistake.
322
00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:19,176
No.
323
00:13:19,178 --> 00:13:20,278
And for the record,
324
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,255
George Jiang gave me giardia.
325
00:13:22,257 --> 00:13:24,585
I saved you from a hideous river disease.
326
00:13:25,214 --> 00:13:26,648
Thank you.
327
00:13:27,714 --> 00:13:30,786
Damn it. She won't answer any of my calls.
328
00:13:30,788 --> 00:13:32,544
I left ten voice mails.
329
00:13:32,546 --> 00:13:35,372
Two of them, I'm screaming.
Three, I'm crying.
330
00:13:35,374 --> 00:13:38,239
One is a long silent one. Nothing!
331
00:13:38,241 --> 00:13:39,810
And it's all your
fault... both of you guys.
332
00:13:39,812 --> 00:13:41,497
But mostly you.
333
00:13:41,499 --> 00:13:43,630
Look, Dad, I'm so sorry.
334
00:13:43,632 --> 00:13:46,630
- Is there anything I can do...
- There's nothing more that you can do.
335
00:13:46,632 --> 00:13:49,351
I... I knew this was a
mistake bringing her here.
336
00:13:50,134 --> 00:13:51,511
Wait, Dad.
337
00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:59,341
So, uh, why don't you tell me what you
think about that sponge there, Coach.
338
00:13:59,343 --> 00:14:01,661
I mean... Ernie.
339
00:14:01,663 --> 00:14:03,560
I don't know why I would call you Coach.
340
00:14:03,562 --> 00:14:05,849
- Okay.
- Um...
341
00:14:05,851 --> 00:14:07,513
Well, I love sponges
342
00:14:07,515 --> 00:14:09,997
because they connect my heart to my hand.
343
00:14:09,999 --> 00:14:12,927
- Wow, thank you so much for that.
- I wish my buddies could see me now.
344
00:14:12,929 --> 00:14:14,810
- What?
- They'd be all like, "Hey, man,
345
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,903
let me get a hit of that squishy whip."
346
00:14:16,905 --> 00:14:19,609
Right on. Way to, uh, add your own take.
347
00:14:20,155 --> 00:14:21,903
Uh, to... to your... to your own take.
348
00:14:21,905 --> 00:14:23,528
You know, I... I have
something I'd like to add.
349
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,067
- Please.
- Um, I like cleaning.
350
00:14:25,069 --> 00:14:26,833
- You like cleaning.
- It is the only thing
351
00:14:26,835 --> 00:14:29,552
I can control in a world filled with chaos.
352
00:14:29,554 --> 00:14:30,802
- Thank you.
- May I add,
353
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:35,437
I am Thor, and this is my hammer, Mjolnir.
354
00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:37,794
M... Melnir. Mjolnir.
355
00:14:37,796 --> 00:14:41,060
Okay, wonderful detail.
Thank you so much for that.
356
00:14:41,062 --> 00:14:43,263
Uh, how about you down
there, Mayor of the Corner?
357
00:14:44,210 --> 00:14:45,646
- Nick.
- What?
358
00:14:45,648 --> 00:14:47,265
How does cleaning make you feel?
359
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:49,817
Uh, like I... I'm cleaning.
Move on to somebody else, please.
360
00:14:49,819 --> 00:14:51,521
Read the cards that I gave
you. Remember the cards?
361
00:14:51,523 --> 00:14:53,224
- Not now.
- Read your cards!
362
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,944
You want to know what I
think about your sponges?!
363
00:14:59,843 --> 00:15:01,591
Well, this is clearly rigged.
364
00:15:01,593 --> 00:15:03,907
My office. Now, Schmidt.
365
00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:05,493
Schmidt...
366
00:15:07,713 --> 00:15:09,554
Schmidt, I'm sorry.
367
00:15:11,651 --> 00:15:12,950
Dad.
368
00:15:14,148 --> 00:15:15,161
Thanks for waiting.
369
00:15:15,163 --> 00:15:18,146
I wasn't waiting. I just can't
get this damn thing started.
370
00:15:18,148 --> 00:15:19,614
You're just pressing buttons.
371
00:15:19,616 --> 00:15:22,780
This was supposed to be a
big weekend for me and Ashley.
372
00:15:22,782 --> 00:15:24,146
I had everything planned.
373
00:15:24,148 --> 00:15:27,564
I... I even wrote new
lyrics to our... our song.
374
00:15:28,171 --> 00:15:33,202
♪ Ashley, marry me... ♪
375
00:15:38,546 --> 00:15:40,343
Y... you didn't have to do that, you know.
376
00:15:40,345 --> 00:15:42,171
I can take care of myself.
377
00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:45,567
Can you? Dad, if I hadn't
378
00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:47,903
protected you after you and Mom's divorce,
379
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,036
you would've ended up with Nancy Zimmerman.
380
00:15:50,038 --> 00:15:52,505
- Oh, Nancy Zimmerman.
- She was bad news, Dad.
381
00:15:52,507 --> 00:15:54,599
Ooh, v... very bad. You
don't know the half of it.
382
00:15:54,601 --> 00:15:56,771
That woman made me try cocaine in 2005.
383
00:15:56,773 --> 00:15:59,044
- What, Dad?! Booger sugar?
- Yes.
384
00:15:59,046 --> 00:16:00,497
Nicaraguan yazz.
385
00:16:00,499 --> 00:16:02,849
- Are you kidding me?
- It was a very expensive evening.
386
00:16:02,851 --> 00:16:06,208
I wound up buying his and her Jet Skis.
387
00:16:06,210 --> 00:16:09,234
The point is I'm still standing,
388
00:16:09,799 --> 00:16:11,640
and I can take care of myself.
389
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:15,062
Yes, I might get hurt,
but that'll be my problem.
390
00:16:15,913 --> 00:16:18,413
You don't need to do it anymore, Jess.
391
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,124
I should be taking care of you.
392
00:16:22,221 --> 00:16:27,067
Ashley is different from
any woman I've ever dated.
393
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,419
She... she makes every day better.
394
00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:32,863
I... I want to spend the
rest of my life with her.
395
00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:36,433
Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.
396
00:16:36,435 --> 00:16:38,252
Hey!
397
00:16:38,254 --> 00:16:39,810
Hey, Th... Ashley!
398
00:16:39,812 --> 00:16:42,405
What did she do? She
went out and found a guy?
399
00:16:42,407 --> 00:16:43,807
She's gonna relapse. Um...
400
00:16:43,809 --> 00:16:46,142
Oh, we have to turn her off. Ashley...
401
00:16:46,144 --> 00:16:48,632
- Let's turn on NPR and blare it.
- Oh...
402
00:16:50,812 --> 00:16:53,577
Ashley, wait. Wait a minute.
Please. Please don't do this. Please.
403
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:56,390
Ashley, if you're gonna
relapse, relapse with my dad.
404
00:16:56,952 --> 00:16:58,577
I'm not relapsing.
405
00:16:58,579 --> 00:17:00,579
This is Roy. He's my L.A. sponsor.
406
00:17:00,581 --> 00:17:02,348
This is Roy? Oh!
407
00:17:02,350 --> 00:17:04,717
You know, I... I always
wanted to meet you. Hi.
408
00:17:04,719 --> 00:17:07,591
Jess, he's not a strange man.
409
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:08,984
He's a sex addict.
410
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,859
Former sex addict. Uh, current chocoholic.
411
00:17:12,218 --> 00:17:14,390
I'd be in trouble if you were black.
412
00:17:14,392 --> 00:17:15,585
Thank you?
413
00:17:15,747 --> 00:17:19,179
Ashley, look, I screwed up.
414
00:17:19,181 --> 00:17:20,843
I have to let my dad make mistakes.
415
00:17:20,845 --> 00:17:23,234
- Oh, I'm a mistake?
- No, you are not a mistake.
416
00:17:23,236 --> 00:17:24,468
That came out wrong.
417
00:17:25,195 --> 00:17:26,343
I'm sorry, Bob.
418
00:17:26,345 --> 00:17:28,609
I never meant to come
between you and your daughter.
419
00:17:28,611 --> 00:17:29,977
I love you so damn much.
420
00:17:30,757 --> 00:17:33,494
You're my big, round, bald,
421
00:17:33,496 --> 00:17:34,726
fuzzy Weeble-Wobble.
422
00:17:34,728 --> 00:17:37,405
But I just... I just need a little space.
423
00:17:43,154 --> 00:17:44,475
It's not over, Dad.
424
00:17:44,984 --> 00:17:46,186
Get the ring.
425
00:17:46,188 --> 00:17:48,608
I'm sorry, Schmidt. What can I say?
426
00:17:48,610 --> 00:17:50,639
You're just not really built
to play with the big girls.
427
00:17:50,641 --> 00:17:52,475
- Don't fire him!
- Oh, God.
428
00:17:53,295 --> 00:17:55,131
- What the... Why?
- Give him the account.
429
00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:57,991
He's a hard worker, and he's a neat freak.
430
00:17:57,993 --> 00:18:01,094
How do I know that? 'Cause
I share a room with him.
431
00:18:01,096 --> 00:18:03,725
- You two share a room?
- And you should see his side.
432
00:18:03,727 --> 00:18:07,116
It is so clean. It looks like
the inside of a Japanese subway.
433
00:18:07,118 --> 00:18:09,830
Speaking of sharing a bedroom,
Brittany's coming over tonight.
434
00:18:09,832 --> 00:18:13,014
Uh, so I'm gonna need ten to
15 minutes of privacy for...
435
00:18:13,016 --> 00:18:14,913
I don't need 15 minutes. That's excessive.
436
00:18:14,915 --> 00:18:16,180
Give me five to ten.
437
00:18:16,278 --> 00:18:18,678
That feels braggy. Give me three to five,
438
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,746
but no less than three
'cause that's rude to girls.
439
00:18:20,748 --> 00:18:22,334
Do you really think that
she's gonna have sex with you
440
00:18:22,336 --> 00:18:24,850
- in that pulp-covered filth bunker?
- I'll throw a tarp down.
441
00:18:24,852 --> 00:18:26,241
- Oh, God.
- What if she's turned off
442
00:18:26,243 --> 00:18:28,108
by the mess? What if she's turned off by...
443
00:18:31,405 --> 00:18:33,163
What if she's turned off by the mess?
444
00:18:33,165 --> 00:18:34,983
Hey, Gina, why don't you
hear me out here for a second.
445
00:18:34,985 --> 00:18:36,491
- That's all right.
- If Nick cleans his room
446
00:18:36,493 --> 00:18:39,059
before Brittany comes
over, he might get laid.
447
00:18:39,061 --> 00:18:40,834
I don't know. It seems like a lot of work.
448
00:18:40,836 --> 00:18:42,428
Not with the right tool.
449
00:18:42,430 --> 00:18:44,756
We open up on a modern man
450
00:18:44,758 --> 00:18:46,567
with a nose that only America could love.
451
00:18:46,569 --> 00:18:48,920
This might seem obvious, but what
side does the dirty stuff go on?
452
00:18:48,922 --> 00:18:52,290
He doesn't know a lot, but he's about
to discover the ultimate wingman.
453
00:18:52,290 --> 00:18:54,757
I bet this side is really
good for tough areas.
454
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:56,163
The Man Sponge.
455
00:18:56,912 --> 00:18:58,879
Because the dirtiest thing in your room...
456
00:18:58,881 --> 00:19:00,581
Probably be her.
457
00:19:00,616 --> 00:19:03,684
- Yay. We're doing a pitch.
- Yeah.
458
00:19:04,397 --> 00:19:07,272
I... can't believe I'm saying this,
459
00:19:08,186 --> 00:19:09,223
but I like it.
460
00:19:09,225 --> 00:19:11,356
All right, you get the
sponge account, Schmidt.
461
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:12,887
Sponges. We got sponges.
462
00:19:12,889 --> 00:19:14,361
We got sponges. We got
sponges. We got sponges.
463
00:19:15,116 --> 00:19:15,929
Wait!
464
00:19:15,931 --> 00:19:18,553
Ashley! My dad loves you!
465
00:19:18,555 --> 00:19:19,800
No matter what! Wait!
466
00:19:19,802 --> 00:19:21,913
♪ Ashley... ♪
467
00:19:21,915 --> 00:19:23,714
On your right! Left side!
On your right. On your left.
468
00:19:25,256 --> 00:19:26,459
On your right! Left!
469
00:19:26,461 --> 00:19:27,793
Right! Bread and butter.
470
00:19:27,795 --> 00:19:28,994
On your left. On your right.
471
00:19:30,312 --> 00:19:31,278
Oh, my God!
472
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:32,514
Left side! Left side!
473
00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:36,067
- ♪ Ashl... ♪
- On your right!
474
00:19:36,069 --> 00:19:36,811
Jess!
475
00:19:36,813 --> 00:19:39,386
- Jess, baby, baby, are you okay?
- Oh.
476
00:19:39,388 --> 00:19:42,189
You... Here, come on, come on. Let's
get you to a hospital. Yeah. Yes.
477
00:19:42,191 --> 00:19:43,858
- Oh, my God! Is she okay?
- I don't know.
478
00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:44,925
I mean, are you okay?
479
00:19:44,927 --> 00:19:46,389
You need to do it now, Dad,
480
00:19:46,391 --> 00:19:48,524
before we get flattened
by a parade. Come on.
481
00:19:52,063 --> 00:19:55,335
Ashley... will you marry me?
482
00:19:55,702 --> 00:19:58,505
And be the stepmom to a very crazy
483
00:19:58,507 --> 00:20:01,575
but... but very lovable woman?
484
00:20:02,147 --> 00:20:03,777
Yes.
485
00:20:04,116 --> 00:20:05,850
Yes. Yes!
486
00:20:06,732 --> 00:20:07,964
Oh, yes!
487
00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:11,434
Jess, you're my little girl now.
488
00:20:11,436 --> 00:20:12,702
Oh, Jess.
489
00:20:12,704 --> 00:20:14,638
You go to your room. I'm just kidding.
490
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,741
I'm kidding. But you should
go to a... a hospital.
491
00:20:18,993 --> 00:20:22,092
Here's to attending a wedding
with everyone from high school
492
00:20:22,094 --> 00:20:24,027
and my dad's side of the family.
493
00:20:24,029 --> 00:20:26,066
It's gonna be great.
It's like going to prom
494
00:20:26,068 --> 00:20:27,601
- with all my dad's friends.
- Hear, hear!
495
00:20:28,604 --> 00:20:30,217
Oh. Oh.
496
00:20:30,219 --> 00:20:31,385
- No, no, no, no.
- Don't worry, don't worry.
497
00:20:31,387 --> 00:20:32,820
I got it. I got it. I'll just clean it.
498
00:20:33,303 --> 00:20:34,536
Dude, there's a sponge
499
00:20:34,538 --> 00:20:36,202
- in your hand.
- No, let him go.
500
00:20:36,204 --> 00:20:38,124
He's my inspiration.
You know, living with him
501
00:20:38,126 --> 00:20:41,303
in that slovenly hellhole
has been a secret blessing.
502
00:20:41,305 --> 00:20:42,271
It's made me stronger.
503
00:20:42,273 --> 00:20:45,408
Without ash to rise from, the phoenix
would just be a bird getting up.
504
00:20:45,631 --> 00:20:49,420
- I am a phoenix, and I will rise.
- He usually says that speech before sex.
505
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:51,256
By 2015, I will have my own room.
506
00:20:51,635 --> 00:20:53,154
And by 2016...
507
00:20:56,066 --> 00:20:57,425
- What is he looking at?
- I don't know.
508
00:20:57,427 --> 00:20:59,594
... I will be a millionaire.
509
00:21:15,123 --> 00:21:17,074
Spongey make wipey.
510
00:21:17,528 --> 00:21:19,595
The Man Sponge.
511
00:21:19,597 --> 00:21:22,230
Because the dirtiest thing in your room...
512
00:21:22,232 --> 00:21:23,636
Should be me.
513
00:21:25,447 --> 00:21:28,748
Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge.
Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge.
514
00:21:29,796 --> 00:21:33,457
sync and corrections by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com