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00:00:01,352 --> 00:00:04,496
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,567 --> 00:00:07,835
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,869 --> 00:00:11,404
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,441 --> 00:00:14,408
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,443 --> 00:00:17,911
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,871 --> 00:00:29,871
♪ Family Guy 13x02 ♪
The Book of Joe
Original Air Date on October 5, 2014
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00:00:29,872 --> 00:00:34,872
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:34,873 --> 00:00:37,274
Hey, guys. You look like
you're getting a little red.
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00:00:37,309 --> 00:00:39,209
Maybe you ought to put
some sunblock on.
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00:00:39,244 --> 00:00:40,344
Joe, we just got here.
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00:00:40,379 --> 00:00:41,645
Oh, sorry about that.
16
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,246
These got
a little mixed up.
17
00:00:43,282 --> 00:00:45,415
"Hey, glad you guys
could make it!"
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00:00:45,451 --> 00:00:47,484
Ugh, look at Cleveland
over there.
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00:00:47,519 --> 00:00:49,519
He's obviously cleaning his feet
in the pool
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00:00:49,555 --> 00:00:52,289
without making it look like he's
cleaning his feet in the pool.
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00:00:52,324 --> 00:00:53,790
Oh, that's nice.
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00:00:53,826 --> 00:00:55,492
That's a good temp.
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00:00:55,527 --> 00:00:58,662
I wonder if this temp is
the same on my other foot.
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00:00:58,697 --> 00:00:59,997
Oh, yeah.
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00:01:00,032 --> 00:01:02,032
Sure is a good day for it.
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00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:04,234
Good day for
these wet paint brushes, too.
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00:01:04,269 --> 00:01:07,104
Is the pool too warm
for paint brushes?
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00:01:12,311 --> 00:01:13,610
Hey, sorry again, Kevin.
29
00:01:13,646 --> 00:01:16,113
I didn't see you in the tub.
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00:01:29,995 --> 00:01:31,261
Huh, what's all this?
31
00:01:31,296 --> 00:01:32,696
Honey,
it doesn't seem like
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00:01:32,731 --> 00:01:35,098
the Griffins are leaving
anytime too soon!
33
00:01:35,134 --> 00:01:36,199
Oh. Hey, Peter.
34
00:01:36,235 --> 00:01:37,968
Hey, Joe. What are
all these pictures?
35
00:01:38,003 --> 00:01:39,369
Oh, nothing.
36
00:01:39,405 --> 00:01:41,405
They're just some stupid
scribbles I've been working on
37
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:42,739
for a children's book.
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00:01:42,775 --> 00:01:43,874
I don't think
that's stupid.
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00:01:43,909 --> 00:01:45,075
I think that's
awesome!
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00:01:45,110 --> 00:01:46,543
I mean, my one
note on these
41
00:01:46,578 --> 00:01:48,812
would be to hide a bunch
of dongs in the backgrounds,
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00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,247
but, otherwise, I
think they're great!
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00:01:50,282 --> 00:01:52,883
Wow. Well, that really means
a lot to me, Peter.
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00:01:52,918 --> 00:01:54,851
I've been working on this book
for nine years,
45
00:01:54,887 --> 00:01:56,920
but I've been too afraid
to show it to anybody.
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00:01:56,955 --> 00:01:58,822
Come on, Joe.
You can't be afraid.
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00:01:58,857 --> 00:02:01,525
What if Bono had been afraid
to wear sunglasses?
48
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:02,960
Then nobody would know
about Africa.
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00:02:02,961 --> 00:02:04,261
What's it about?
50
00:02:04,296 --> 00:02:06,396
Well, it's called
The Hopeful Squirrel.
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00:02:06,432 --> 00:02:07,931
It's about
a handicapped squirrel
52
00:02:07,966 --> 00:02:10,000
who has to learn
to overcome his disabilities
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00:02:10,035 --> 00:02:11,702
so he can survive in the wild.
54
00:02:11,737 --> 00:02:14,771
As you can imagine,
it's very personal to me.
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00:02:14,807 --> 00:02:18,241
Wait... were you
once a squirrel?
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00:02:18,277 --> 00:02:20,210
No, Peter.
I'm handicapped.
57
00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:22,285
Well, you know, you ought
to do something with this.
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00:02:22,314 --> 00:02:23,413
Really? You think so?
59
00:02:23,449 --> 00:02:24,548
Hey, trust me, Joe.
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00:02:24,583 --> 00:02:25,982
I know talent
when I see it.
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00:02:26,018 --> 00:02:27,884
I mean, I discovered
Mr. Peanut.
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00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:29,686
Ordinary legume.
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00:02:29,722 --> 00:02:31,555
Ordinary legume.
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00:02:31,590 --> 00:02:34,124
Extraordinary peanut!
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00:02:38,263 --> 00:02:40,030
Oh, man.
There she is.
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00:02:40,065 --> 00:02:40,931
Wha... Who?
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00:02:40,966 --> 00:02:42,132
That girl,
right there.
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00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:44,301
She comes in here every morning
after her run.
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00:02:44,336 --> 00:02:46,036
Ah, I'm obsessed
with her.
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00:02:46,071 --> 00:02:47,671
Well, why don't
you go talk to her?
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00:02:47,706 --> 00:02:49,172
Way ahead of ya.
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00:02:49,208 --> 00:02:50,707
Wh... Where
are you going?
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00:02:53,345 --> 00:02:55,212
And... 1,000.
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00:02:55,247 --> 00:02:56,247
Whew.
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00:02:56,248 --> 00:02:57,614
1,000 what?
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00:02:57,649 --> 00:02:59,683
Percent, that's what.
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00:02:59,718 --> 00:03:01,384
You, uh, you in
the game, too?
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00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:03,019
You mean running?
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00:03:03,055 --> 00:03:04,855
Uh, let me think--
what's on my trophies?
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00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:06,289
Uh... yes!
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00:03:06,325 --> 00:03:07,357
You're losing her!
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00:03:07,392 --> 00:03:08,392
Hey, I'm Brian.
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00:03:08,393 --> 00:03:09,393
Hi, I'm Chloe.
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00:03:09,394 --> 00:03:10,394
Nice to meet you.
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00:03:10,395 --> 00:03:12,028
Hey, uh, you
wouldn't maybe want
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00:03:12,064 --> 00:03:13,997
to grab a bite to eat
sometime, would you?
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00:03:14,032 --> 00:03:15,032
That sounds great.
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00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:16,099
Awesome.
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00:03:16,135 --> 00:03:17,968
You know, see, this is
how you meet people.
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00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:19,503
I tried the online
dating thing,
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00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,638
but there's just too much
competition out there.
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00:03:24,376 --> 00:03:26,696
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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00:03:26,712 --> 00:03:29,246
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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00:03:29,281 --> 00:03:31,915
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,284
Hi, I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving
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00:03:34,319 --> 00:03:37,020
Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man
Warehouse and Emporium.
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00:03:37,055 --> 00:03:39,156
Due to a gut-busting divorce,
limited people skills,
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00:03:39,191 --> 00:03:41,191
and significant prodding
from my therapist,
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00:03:41,226 --> 00:03:43,693
I am currently seeking online
companionship as
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00:03:43,729 --> 00:03:46,429
a short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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00:03:46,465 --> 00:03:47,764
And I would love to attempt
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00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,167
to convert my heavily
embellished Internet profile
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00:03:50,202 --> 00:03:52,002
and carefully airbrushed,
out-of-date photo,
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00:03:52,037 --> 00:03:55,972
into a night of
physical intimacy with you...!
105
00:04:03,348 --> 00:04:05,582
Peter, I just heard
the best news.
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00:04:05,617 --> 00:04:08,118
Wow, word gets
around fast.
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00:04:08,153 --> 00:04:09,085
Nice, right?
108
00:04:09,121 --> 00:04:10,587
No. Peter,
I took your advice
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00:04:10,622 --> 00:04:12,355
and sent my book
to a publisher.
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00:04:12,391 --> 00:04:14,591
They're gonna publish
The Hopeful Squirrel.
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00:04:14,626 --> 00:04:15,926
And it's all
thanks to you!
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00:04:15,961 --> 00:04:17,260
Joe, that's amazing!
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00:04:17,296 --> 00:04:19,329
So there's gonna be a
real live book out there
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00:04:19,364 --> 00:04:20,530
with your name on it?
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00:04:20,566 --> 00:04:22,899
Well, actually, I'm writing it
under a pen name--
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00:04:22,935 --> 00:04:24,301
David Chicago.
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00:04:24,336 --> 00:04:27,137
Well, how come you didn't
just write it under Joe...
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00:04:27,172 --> 00:04:28,638
S... Steenburj...
119
00:04:28,674 --> 00:04:29,973
You know,
your real name?
120
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:32,642
I wanted to avoid catching crap
down at the police station.
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00:04:32,678 --> 00:04:34,611
They don't like
anything artistic.
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00:04:34,646 --> 00:04:36,847
They were pretty rough
on my mime act.
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00:04:36,882 --> 00:04:38,114
I'm in a box.
124
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,684
Oop, that's the
back of the box.
125
00:04:40,719 --> 00:04:42,018
You're not supposed
to talk!
126
00:04:42,054 --> 00:04:44,754
Well, how else are you
gonna know I'm in a box?!
127
00:04:49,194 --> 00:04:50,460
Oh. Hi, Brian.
128
00:04:50,495 --> 00:04:52,028
Hey. You, uh...
129
00:04:52,064 --> 00:04:53,663
you didn't forget
about our date, did you?
130
00:04:53,699 --> 00:04:54,865
Of course not.
131
00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:56,666
I was just thinking,
since it's so nice out,
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00:04:56,702 --> 00:04:58,735
we could go out for
a run and then eat.
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00:04:58,770 --> 00:05:01,404
Oh. Yeah. N-no, no. You know,
I would totally do that.
134
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,175
I-I just... I've already run,
like, so many "K" today.
135
00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:06,676
Oh, come on,
don't be a wimp!
136
00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:08,745
This way, you'll earn
your dessert.
137
00:05:12,484 --> 00:05:14,751
Wow, this is great,
isn't it, Brian?
138
00:05:14,786 --> 00:05:16,486
Yeah, it's awesome.
139
00:05:16,521 --> 00:05:18,455
Hey, uh, is your vision
140
00:05:18,490 --> 00:05:20,891
also reduced
to just a tiny pinhole?
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00:05:20,926 --> 00:05:22,359
Just push
through it, Brian.
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00:05:22,394 --> 00:05:24,027
Once you hit
your runner's high,
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00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:25,562
you'll catch
your second wind.
144
00:05:25,597 --> 00:05:26,630
Runner's high?
145
00:05:26,665 --> 00:05:28,665
Yeah, my endorphins
always kick in
146
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:30,367
at the top of this hill.
147
00:05:31,937 --> 00:05:33,403
Oh, crap.
148
00:05:38,110 --> 00:05:39,943
Brian, this is your heart.
149
00:05:39,978 --> 00:05:41,344
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
150
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:42,512
Stop.
151
00:05:42,547 --> 00:05:44,214
Brian, this is your penis.
152
00:05:44,249 --> 00:05:45,282
Don't listen to him.
153
00:05:45,317 --> 00:05:46,950
We're this close to Bone City.
154
00:05:46,985 --> 00:05:48,885
Brian, I'm here, too.
155
00:05:48,921 --> 00:05:51,588
I'm hanging out with your penis
and your heart.
156
00:05:51,623 --> 00:05:53,723
Okay, here comes the top.
157
00:05:53,759 --> 00:05:55,191
Chloe, I'm not sure I can...
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00:05:57,229 --> 00:05:59,562
I feel it.
159
00:05:59,598 --> 00:06:01,898
I'm feeling the runner's high.
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00:06:01,934 --> 00:06:04,701
♪ It was a beautiful day ♪
161
00:06:04,736 --> 00:06:07,103
♪ The sun beat down ♪
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00:06:07,139 --> 00:06:08,772
♪ I had the radio on... ♪
163
00:06:08,807 --> 00:06:11,408
Go get 'em, Brian!
164
00:06:11,443 --> 00:06:14,411
By the way, the sun
is really a black guy.
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00:06:14,446 --> 00:06:16,646
The moon is Korean!
166
00:06:16,682 --> 00:06:19,049
Wow, this is amazing.
167
00:06:19,084 --> 00:06:21,751
I never want to lose
this feeling.
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00:06:21,787 --> 00:06:24,621
♪ Yeah, I'm running'
down a dream ♪
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00:06:24,656 --> 00:06:27,524
♪ That never would come to me ♪
170
00:06:27,559 --> 00:06:31,027
♪ Workin' on a mystery... ♪
171
00:06:32,030 --> 00:06:33,363
Oh, Brian.
172
00:06:33,398 --> 00:06:34,965
That was incredible.
173
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,268
Yeah, you hump her
real good, Brian!
174
00:06:38,303 --> 00:06:40,303
I'm gonna go ahead
and close the shades.
175
00:06:41,306 --> 00:06:43,974
I still see you!
176
00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:48,445
Hello, everyone.
I'm Blake Walker
177
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,046
from Piermont Publishing.
178
00:06:50,082 --> 00:06:52,682
Please join me in welcoming
David Chicago.
179
00:06:54,553 --> 00:06:57,954
Okay, so, uh, hi, folks,
and thank you all for coming.
180
00:06:57,990 --> 00:07:00,323
I know this would've been
a great day to surf.
181
00:07:00,359 --> 00:07:01,858
That's not a joke!
182
00:07:01,893 --> 00:07:05,428
Uh, anyway,
this is The Hopeful Squirrel.
183
00:07:05,464 --> 00:07:07,897
"There once was
a handicapped squirrel
184
00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:10,266
who could not climb trees
to get food."
185
00:07:10,302 --> 00:07:12,302
Okay, next page.
186
00:07:16,508 --> 00:07:17,741
"The squirrel"--
187
00:07:17,776 --> 00:07:19,442
the same squirrel
from the first page--
188
00:07:19,478 --> 00:07:22,912
"hoped that the other animals
would share their food with him.
189
00:07:22,948 --> 00:07:24,914
"'Please,'
said the Hopeful Squirrel.
190
00:07:24,950 --> 00:07:27,217
"'If you could all spare
just one nut,
191
00:07:27,252 --> 00:07:29,352
I, too, could survive
the winter.'"
192
00:07:29,388 --> 00:07:30,987
Sorry about that.
193
00:07:31,023 --> 00:07:33,223
Mommy, I don't like
the wheel man.
194
00:07:33,258 --> 00:07:35,058
"But none of the other animals
195
00:07:35,093 --> 00:07:38,361
would share
with the Hopeful Squirrel."
196
00:07:38,397 --> 00:07:40,163
Hey, eyes front! I'm talking!
197
00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:41,765
Don't tell my kid what to do.
198
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,767
Well, maybe if you did,
I wouldn't have to!
199
00:07:45,570 --> 00:07:47,037
Shut up! This is free!
200
00:07:47,072 --> 00:07:48,352
You know why it's free?
201
00:07:48,373 --> 00:07:50,240
'Cause it sucks!
Quagmire?
202
00:07:50,275 --> 00:07:53,209
I think it might
be time to leave.
203
00:07:53,245 --> 00:07:55,278
Ah, crap, this is Joe's dream.
204
00:07:55,313 --> 00:07:57,113
I got to do something.
205
00:07:57,149 --> 00:07:58,448
Joe, what are
you doing?
206
00:07:58,483 --> 00:08:00,283
The-the squirrel doesn't
even sound hopeful.
207
00:08:00,318 --> 00:08:01,684
It's got to be like,
208
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,820
"If you
could spare just one nut,
209
00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:06,122
I, too, could
survive the winter!"
210
00:08:06,158 --> 00:08:07,557
Oh, I like that voice.
211
00:08:07,592 --> 00:08:08,925
He's funny.
212
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,127
That's the man who passed out
at the liquor store.
213
00:08:11,163 --> 00:08:13,296
Joe, quick,
give me the book.
214
00:08:13,331 --> 00:08:17,400
"And so, the squirrel decided
to climb for his own nuts.
215
00:08:17,436 --> 00:08:20,270
"'I don't need legs when
I've got a positive attitude
216
00:08:20,305 --> 00:08:22,439
and arm strength.'"
217
00:08:22,474 --> 00:08:25,108
"'I'm sorry that
we mistreated you,'
218
00:08:25,143 --> 00:08:27,077
"said Buddy the Badger.
219
00:08:27,112 --> 00:08:28,578
"'Could you find it
in your heart
220
00:08:28,613 --> 00:08:30,213
"to share your nuts with us?'
221
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,549
"'Of course I'll share
with you all,'
222
00:08:32,584 --> 00:08:33,783
"said the squirrel.
223
00:08:33,819 --> 00:08:35,485
"'For if I could not forgive,
224
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,588
then I would be
truly handicapped.'"
225
00:08:45,831 --> 00:08:47,931
Wow, that was great.
Who are you?
226
00:08:47,966 --> 00:08:50,400
Just a grown man
with a pet hermit crab.
227
00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:52,735
Listen, Joe, how would you feel
about your friend
228
00:08:52,771 --> 00:08:54,771
getting more involved?
What do you mean?
229
00:08:54,806 --> 00:08:57,207
Well, you would write the books,
and your friend, Peter,
230
00:08:57,242 --> 00:08:59,309
would be the public face
of The Hopeful Squirrel.
231
00:08:59,344 --> 00:09:01,044
He would be David Chicago.
232
00:09:01,079 --> 00:09:03,746
Well, I...
I don't know.
233
00:09:03,782 --> 00:09:05,381
Joe, this happens
all the time.
234
00:09:05,417 --> 00:09:06,716
You wouldn't believe
who really writes
235
00:09:06,751 --> 00:09:08,585
all those Stephen King books.
236
00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:10,954
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Ding!
237
00:09:10,989 --> 00:09:13,323
Scary stuff,
scary stuff, scary stuff. Ding!
238
00:09:13,358 --> 00:09:16,359
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Lunch!
239
00:09:16,394 --> 00:09:18,528
Look, Peter can get this book
into the hands
240
00:09:18,563 --> 00:09:20,096
of every kid in America.
241
00:09:20,132 --> 00:09:21,431
That's what you wanted,
isn't it?
242
00:09:21,466 --> 00:09:22,999
All right.
243
00:09:23,034 --> 00:09:25,468
Well, whatever you think
is best for the book.
244
00:09:25,504 --> 00:09:27,437
Great! So it's all agreed.
245
00:09:27,472 --> 00:09:29,272
Can't wait to work
with you, Peter.
246
00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:31,741
What-what just happened?
247
00:09:31,776 --> 00:09:34,010
Oh, the bookstore closed
and is now a Target.
248
00:09:34,045 --> 00:09:36,746
But don't worry,
our industry's fine.
249
00:09:41,764 --> 00:09:43,764
Excuse me, Mr. Chicago?
250
00:09:43,799 --> 00:09:45,666
Could you please sign
my copy of your book?
251
00:09:45,701 --> 00:09:47,301
Sure, I...
Easy there, Joe.
252
00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:49,336
Hot Rod asked for Mr. Chicago.
253
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:54,308
"Give me all your money.
I have a gun"?
254
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,743
Oh, wait, I think
I messed something up.
255
00:09:56,779 --> 00:09:58,979
"Never give up on your dreams"?
256
00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:04,051
Listen, Peter, if you're
gonna act as David Chicago,
257
00:10:04,086 --> 00:10:06,386
I need to know that you're
gonna take this seriously
258
00:10:06,422 --> 00:10:08,322
and honor the message
of the book.
259
00:10:08,357 --> 00:10:10,090
Joe, I got it. Trust me.
260
00:10:10,125 --> 00:10:11,358
This ain't the first time
261
00:10:11,393 --> 00:10:13,260
I've pretended
to be someone I'm not.
262
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:18,498
Gene Shalit, I am the
ghost of Roger Ebert.
263
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,300
And even in death,
264
00:10:20,336 --> 00:10:22,135
I'm a better
critic than you.
265
00:10:22,171 --> 00:10:24,104
Leave me alone!
Go back to hell!
266
00:10:25,307 --> 00:10:27,474
Gene, is everything
all right?
267
00:10:27,509 --> 00:10:28,609
It's fine, Joanne.
268
00:10:28,644 --> 00:10:30,010
Go back to sleep.
269
00:10:43,192 --> 00:10:44,825
Good afternoon,
I'm Tom Tucker.
270
00:10:44,860 --> 00:10:47,794
Welcome to another edition
of Cross-Legged Chat.
271
00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:49,529
Our guest on
today's show is
272
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:52,833
local bestselling children's
book author David Chicago.
273
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:54,267
Welcome.
Thank you.
274
00:10:54,303 --> 00:10:56,403
Wow, all your words are
right there for you?
275
00:10:57,539 --> 00:10:59,906
Quite... quite the imagination
on this one.
276
00:10:59,942 --> 00:11:01,708
So, tell me,
how did you decide
277
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,710
to write about
a handicapped squirrel?
278
00:11:04,947 --> 00:11:06,546
You know, I'd see
these crippled kids
279
00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:08,482
limping down the sidewalk
on my way to work,
280
00:11:08,517 --> 00:11:10,617
and I would just
laugh and laugh,
281
00:11:10,653 --> 00:11:12,519
and I thought,
"Hey! Put that in a book!"
282
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:17,658
He's making people laugh
at handicapped people.
283
00:11:17,693 --> 00:11:18,892
What's he doing out there?!
284
00:11:18,927 --> 00:11:20,260
I'll tell you
what he's doing,
285
00:11:20,295 --> 00:11:21,615
he's selling books!
They love him!
286
00:11:21,630 --> 00:11:23,463
Now, I understand
we have some questions
287
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:24,531
from the audience.
288
00:11:24,566 --> 00:11:26,033
Yes, I have a question.
289
00:11:26,068 --> 00:11:28,535
Is the Hopeful Squirrel
a boy or a girl?
290
00:11:28,570 --> 00:11:29,836
I'm a boy!
291
00:11:29,872 --> 00:11:32,205
But in the book,
I'm drawn smooth down there,
292
00:11:32,241 --> 00:11:34,241
so it's not a bad question.
293
00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:35,509
Okay, that's all our time.
294
00:11:35,544 --> 00:11:37,577
We invite you to stay tuned
through the credits
295
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,746
so you can see
where I buy my clothes.
296
00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:53,060
So what's
going on here?
297
00:11:53,095 --> 00:11:54,528
Just having dinner.
298
00:11:54,563 --> 00:11:57,064
That's Dad's chair.
He's gonna be mad.
299
00:11:57,099 --> 00:12:00,400
Wow, Brian, you sure have been
doing a lot of jogging lately.
300
00:12:00,436 --> 00:12:02,669
It's called "running," Lois.
301
00:12:02,705 --> 00:12:04,004
Why don't you
have some food?
302
00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:05,539
Oh, you mean fuel?
303
00:12:05,574 --> 00:12:07,741
Ah, no-no offense,
Lois, but that stuff
304
00:12:07,776 --> 00:12:09,543
is nothing but chemicals
and empty calories.
305
00:12:09,578 --> 00:12:12,412
Okay. I'll mush some up
and put it on the floor
306
00:12:12,448 --> 00:12:14,314
next to the trash,
if you get hungry.
307
00:12:14,349 --> 00:12:16,249
I think you bought
girl running shoes.
308
00:12:16,285 --> 00:12:17,851
You know, in case
any of you want to,
309
00:12:17,886 --> 00:12:19,186
uh, come cheer us on,
310
00:12:19,221 --> 00:12:21,088
Chloe and I are doing
the Quahog Marathon
311
00:12:21,123 --> 00:12:22,189
in a couple weeks.
312
00:12:22,224 --> 00:12:23,423
A marathon?
313
00:12:23,459 --> 00:12:25,759
But-but what if that sexy boy
has another bomb?
314
00:12:25,794 --> 00:12:28,261
Yeah, are you sure
you can finish a marathon?
315
00:12:28,297 --> 00:12:29,463
I'm not worried, Meg.
316
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:31,331
I'm just gonna give it
all I've got,
317
00:12:31,366 --> 00:12:33,667
like Scotty
engineering the Enterprise.
318
00:12:35,137 --> 00:12:36,603
Scotty, we need more speed!
319
00:12:36,638 --> 00:12:38,538
I'm giving her
all she's got, Captain!
320
00:12:38,574 --> 00:12:39,873
She can't take any more!
321
00:12:39,908 --> 00:12:42,642
Damn. Chekov, reroute
auxiliary power to the helm.
322
00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:44,144
Scotty to the bridge.
323
00:12:44,146 --> 00:12:47,547
Uh... Captain, this uh...
this is a little embarrassing,
324
00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:49,449
but, uh, you know,
I've never noticed, uh,
325
00:12:49,485 --> 00:12:51,518
the little lever
I've been pushing, it's...
326
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:53,453
it's only about two-thirds
of the way up.
327
00:12:53,489 --> 00:12:55,388
I-I actually can give her more.
328
00:12:55,424 --> 00:12:56,424
That's great, Scotty!
329
00:12:56,425 --> 00:12:57,824
Mr. Spock, give us
readings on...
330
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,693
Uh, C-Captain, Scotty again.
331
00:12:59,728 --> 00:13:01,361
Y... You're not gonna
believe this.
332
00:13:01,396 --> 00:13:03,396
Uh, Th another lever her.
333
00:13:03,432 --> 00:13:06,299
The ship can literally go
three times as fast.
334
00:13:06,335 --> 00:13:07,701
I...
I'm sorry.
335
00:13:07,736 --> 00:13:09,936
I feel like such a capital-J
jerk right now.
336
00:13:09,972 --> 00:13:11,037
It's okay, Scotty.
337
00:13:11,073 --> 00:13:13,106
Lieutenant Uhura,
open all channels for...
338
00:13:13,142 --> 00:13:15,809
Captain, I've-I've got to, uh,
interrupt again.
339
00:13:15,844 --> 00:13:17,077
I've just been thinking about
340
00:13:17,112 --> 00:13:18,879
this-this "giving her
all she's got" thing.
341
00:13:18,914 --> 00:13:21,748
I mean, I've been completely
wrong for years now.
342
00:13:21,784 --> 00:13:23,316
I-I feel terrible.
343
00:13:23,352 --> 00:13:25,385
I mean, think of how many
crises we've been in
344
00:13:25,420 --> 00:13:27,454
where the issue was
how fast we could go.
345
00:13:27,489 --> 00:13:29,756
I-I mean... I'm sorry, Captain.
346
00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:30,924
Scotty, it's okay.
347
00:13:30,959 --> 00:13:31,992
No, it's not!
348
00:13:32,027 --> 00:13:33,393
Eric's dead!
349
00:13:33,428 --> 00:13:36,296
At the funeral, I literally
said the words to his wife,
350
00:13:36,331 --> 00:13:37,898
"I was giving her
all she's got."
351
00:13:37,933 --> 00:13:39,266
Scotty, it's fine.
352
00:13:39,301 --> 00:13:40,301
Sulu, lock phasers...
353
00:13:40,302 --> 00:13:42,035
Captain, I just
got to jump in here.
354
00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:43,603
W-We don't have enough
dilithium crystals
355
00:13:43,639 --> 00:13:45,005
to run the phasers
356
00:13:46,475 --> 00:13:49,509
I've-I've lost all credibility,
haven't I?
357
00:13:53,549 --> 00:13:55,849
Peter, I think
we need to talk.
358
00:13:55,884 --> 00:13:57,584
You totally screwed up my book.
359
00:13:57,619 --> 00:13:59,753
You're getting kids to laugh
at handicapped people,
360
00:13:59,788 --> 00:14:01,588
when I'm trying to inspire them.
361
00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:03,423
I'm afraid you're
off the project.
362
00:14:03,458 --> 00:14:04,458
What?
363
00:14:04,459 --> 00:14:05,859
You can't kick me
off the project.
364
00:14:05,894 --> 00:14:06,960
I'm David Chicago!
365
00:14:06,995 --> 00:14:08,595
I'm the one who
wrote the book.
366
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:10,263
Joe, come on.
Let's not kid ourselves.
367
00:14:10,299 --> 00:14:11,865
All right?
Everybody knows my face now.
368
00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:13,767
And besides, I'm the only
one of the two of us
369
00:14:13,802 --> 00:14:15,535
who can do
a squirrel voice.
370
00:14:15,571 --> 00:14:17,437
Well, I don't know
if that's quite true.
371
00:14:17,472 --> 00:14:19,372
Joe, Joe, stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.
372
00:14:19,408 --> 00:14:21,842
Sorry, Joe, but
the publisher loves me.
373
00:14:21,877 --> 00:14:23,243
The public loves me.
374
00:14:23,278 --> 00:14:24,377
I'm not going anywhere.
375
00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:25,879
Screw you, Peter!
You know what?
376
00:14:25,914 --> 00:14:27,147
You've ruined this for me.
377
00:14:27,182 --> 00:14:28,915
I want nothing
to do with the book,
378
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,684
and I want nothing
to do with you!
379
00:14:32,721 --> 00:14:35,989
Aw, one of his shoes fell off
during the anger.
380
00:14:41,739 --> 00:14:44,607
Peter, Bonnie told me
that Joe's very upset.
381
00:14:44,642 --> 00:14:46,542
Did you really take
his book away from him?
382
00:14:46,578 --> 00:14:48,411
Did you just poop
and then get into bed
383
00:14:48,446 --> 00:14:49,446
without underwear on?
384
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,614
That book really
meant a lot to Joe.
385
00:14:51,649 --> 00:14:53,149
I think you should
talk to him.
386
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:55,318
Hey, that book would've
been nothing without me.
387
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:57,153
And besides,
he's the one who quit.
388
00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:58,888
Now the publisher
wants another book
389
00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:00,022
and it's all on me!
390
00:15:00,058 --> 00:15:02,325
I just hate to see
you two in a fight.
391
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,228
And on the same week
when my sister and I
392
00:15:05,263 --> 00:15:07,363
are having such
a big fight, too.
393
00:15:09,167 --> 00:15:10,566
Good night, Lois.
394
00:15:14,906 --> 00:15:16,806
All right, guys.
Ideas, ideas.
395
00:15:16,841 --> 00:15:18,574
We got a Hopeful Squirrel
book to write.
396
00:15:18,610 --> 00:15:19,909
All right, now,
who's got something?
397
00:15:19,944 --> 00:15:21,544
I-I got... I got something.
398
00:15:21,579 --> 00:15:25,848
What if the squirrel
has lasers...
399
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:27,483
that he shoots
out of his eyes!
400
00:15:27,518 --> 00:15:28,818
Quagmire's
on the board.
401
00:15:28,853 --> 00:15:31,053
And how 'bout
he got a frog friend
402
00:15:31,089 --> 00:15:32,888
that's got some sort
of catchphrase?
403
00:15:32,924 --> 00:15:35,691
Like, if he's seeing something
kooky, he could be like,
404
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:39,262
"Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!"
405
00:15:39,297 --> 00:15:40,630
Wow.
406
00:15:40,665 --> 00:15:42,331
God just speaks
right through you,
407
00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:43,367
doesn't he, Cleveland?
408
00:15:43,368 --> 00:15:44,533
I believe he does.
409
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:45,835
Okay, what else,
what else?
410
00:15:45,870 --> 00:15:48,304
If there's
a bison...
411
00:15:48,339 --> 00:15:50,006
Is that a statement
or a question?
412
00:15:50,041 --> 00:15:51,307
It is what it is.
413
00:15:51,342 --> 00:15:53,409
Ain't nothing gotta
be nothing, huh?
414
00:15:57,015 --> 00:15:59,455
Hey, Stewie! Can you come
in the bathroom for a second?
415
00:16:00,818 --> 00:16:03,052
What is it, Bri...
Oh, my God!
416
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,687
Hey, could you
close the gate?
417
00:16:04,722 --> 00:16:07,456
Couple of calves
got loose. Ha, pow!
418
00:16:07,492 --> 00:16:09,225
Brian, you're all sinewy.
419
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,927
Your whole body looks like
Paul McCartney's neck.
420
00:16:11,963 --> 00:16:13,663
Thanks.
That's not a compliment.
421
00:16:13,698 --> 00:16:14,698
You look terrible.
422
00:16:14,699 --> 00:16:16,098
What does your
girlfriend think of this?
423
00:16:16,134 --> 00:16:17,967
I dumped her; she
couldn't keep up with me.
424
00:16:18,002 --> 00:16:19,602
Hey, grab me some more
Band-Aids, will you?
425
00:16:19,637 --> 00:16:20,870
I got, like, eight
more nipples
426
00:16:20,905 --> 00:16:22,338
to cover up
before my run.
427
00:16:22,373 --> 00:16:25,975
You know, whatever you're doing,
it isn't healthy, Brian.
428
00:16:26,010 --> 00:16:27,343
Oh, I'm not healthy?
429
00:16:27,378 --> 00:16:30,012
Stewie, my heart rate is
down to four beats a minute.
430
00:16:30,048 --> 00:16:31,614
Besides, I got
to keep training.
431
00:16:31,649 --> 00:16:33,182
The marathon's
in two days.
432
00:16:33,217 --> 00:16:36,052
Ian, I-I'm worried you're
losing yourself in all this.
433
00:16:36,087 --> 00:16:37,553
Do you remember that phase
434
00:16:37,588 --> 00:16:39,522
when you thought
you were a pointer dog?
435
00:16:39,557 --> 00:16:41,891
Was someone wearing
my new high heels?
436
00:16:43,328 --> 00:16:44,827
You dick.
437
00:16:54,339 --> 00:16:55,838
Ladies and gentlemen,
438
00:16:55,873 --> 00:16:57,373
boys and girls,
439
00:16:57,408 --> 00:16:59,408
hot moms who are married
but looking...
440
00:17:00,445 --> 00:17:03,145
David Chicago!
441
00:17:05,950 --> 00:17:09,051
Hey, how many of
y'all bitches like to read?
442
00:17:13,191 --> 00:17:14,523
"Chapter One.
443
00:17:14,559 --> 00:17:16,292
"It was winter in the forest,
444
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:19,462
"so the squirrel was happy
he'd built that hot tub.
445
00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:23,032
"But little did he know,
a strain of super gonorrhea
446
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:24,667
"was gonna hit him so fierce
447
00:17:24,702 --> 00:17:28,070
"he'd wish he was still
paralyzed from the waist down.
448
00:17:28,106 --> 00:17:30,573
"On top of that,
some son of a bitch
449
00:17:30,608 --> 00:17:32,241
killed his brother."
450
00:17:34,078 --> 00:17:35,811
"The monkey's
kick-ass buzz saw hand
451
00:17:37,315 --> 00:17:40,449
"'His brains, his brains--
they're everywhere!'
452
00:17:40,485 --> 00:17:42,284
the little girl yelled."
453
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,754
"'Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!'"
454
00:17:44,789 --> 00:17:47,089
"...exclaimed
Billy the Bullfrog."
455
00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:50,292
"The woodchuck mom and her baby
finished their cocoa
456
00:17:50,328 --> 00:17:52,895
"and then tucked in
for another cozy night.
457
00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:55,197
But then..."
458
00:17:55,233 --> 00:17:58,067
"'Nothing but cops on the take
and hookers on the make,'
459
00:17:58,102 --> 00:17:59,568
"said Randy the Raccoon.
460
00:17:59,604 --> 00:18:02,671
"'What's a hooker?'
asked the bunny, who was gay.
461
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,939
"'That and a bag of crank
462
00:18:03,975 --> 00:18:06,108
"is my Saturday night!'
spat Randy.
463
00:18:06,144 --> 00:18:08,310
The end."
464
00:18:09,647 --> 00:18:11,480
You're awful.
That was the worst.
465
00:18:11,516 --> 00:18:13,182
We had trouble hearing
you in the back.
466
00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:19,255
I'm sorry, Peter,
you're fired.
467
00:18:19,290 --> 00:18:22,558
I'm sorry Joe's dream
didn't work out for you, Peter.
468
00:18:22,593 --> 00:18:24,660
What was I thinking?
469
00:18:24,695 --> 00:18:26,796
Joe's the one with
all the talent.
470
00:18:26,831 --> 00:18:28,364
Me trying to
write a book
471
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:31,100
is like CeeLo trying to
find a pair of pants.
472
00:18:31,135 --> 00:18:34,970
Yeah, I need to find something
a cartoon apple would wear.
473
00:18:39,510 --> 00:18:40,910
Hey, you made it!
474
00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:42,812
So you ready to watch
me kick some ass?
475
00:18:42,847 --> 00:18:44,980
Brian, I think you've taken
all of this too far.
476
00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:47,550
You know, there is such a thing
as too much exercise.
477
00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:49,285
Stewie, I know you're
worried, all right?
478
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,153
And no offense, but
I'm not taking advice
479
00:18:51,189 --> 00:18:52,655
from a guy
who eats bread.
480
00:18:52,690 --> 00:18:54,356
Runners, take your marks!
481
00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:05,201
Oh, son of a bitch!
482
00:19:05,236 --> 00:19:06,702
Ow, my leg!
483
00:19:06,737 --> 00:19:08,304
Help me, somebody!
484
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:18,848
Brian, why does everything
you touch turn to garbage?
485
00:19:25,857 --> 00:19:26,857
Peter.
486
00:19:26,891 --> 00:19:28,924
Look, Joe,
I messed up.
487
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,593
All right? I just...
488
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:33,629
I just got so wrapped up
in all the attention.
489
00:19:33,664 --> 00:19:36,198
The attention
you deserved.
490
00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:37,967
I know how much
this meant to you,
491
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:40,369
and I... I should've
just stayed out of it.
492
00:19:40,404 --> 00:19:42,371
Listen, I'm...
493
00:19:42,406 --> 00:19:45,241
I'm sorry
I mistreated you.
494
00:19:45,276 --> 00:19:47,877
Okay?
You deserve better.
495
00:19:47,912 --> 00:19:49,411
Peter, wait.
496
00:19:49,447 --> 00:19:51,780
If I could
not forgive,
497
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,949
then I would be
truly handicapped.
498
00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:54,985
What?
499
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:56,218
It's from the
book, Peter.
500
00:19:56,254 --> 00:19:57,254
What book?
501
00:19:57,255 --> 00:19:58,387
I forgive you, Peter.
502
00:19:58,422 --> 00:19:59,422
You do?
503
00:19:59,423 --> 00:20:01,257
Yeah. The truth is,
504
00:20:01,292 --> 00:20:03,025
I never would have
had the confidence
505
00:20:03,060 --> 00:20:04,894
to get my book published
in the first place.
506
00:20:04,929 --> 00:20:06,695
And that's all I ever wanted.
507
00:20:06,731 --> 00:20:08,297
Friends?
508
00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:10,232
Frasier.
509
00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,405
So, Bri, how's
that ankle itch?
510
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:17,506
Well, what
do you mean?
511
00:20:17,542 --> 00:20:18,807
I'm just saying,
you probably have
512
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,342
an itchy ankle
under that cast.
513
00:20:20,378 --> 00:20:21,610
It starts as a tickle
514
00:20:21,646 --> 00:20:22,966
and then you can't
quite reach it?
515
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:24,580
Not gonna work, Stewie.
Yes, you're right.
516
00:20:24,615 --> 00:20:25,814
Best not
to think about it.
517
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,416
Even though it might
be a little bug
518
00:20:27,451 --> 00:20:29,151
digging away
down there,
519
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,686
just nagging
and itching and...
520
00:20:30,721 --> 00:20:32,621
Ah, ah, crap,
I did it to myself!
521
00:20:32,657 --> 00:20:34,423
Ah, wh is that?
522
00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:36,892
Well, Peter, I'm glad
you made up with Joe.
523
00:20:36,928 --> 00:20:38,260
Yeah, me, too.
524
00:20:38,296 --> 00:20:40,062
It just goes
to show you, Lois,
525
00:20:40,097 --> 00:20:41,864
books is bad news.
526
00:20:41,899 --> 00:20:44,199
Well, except for the books
they sell at Urban Outfitters.
527
00:20:44,235 --> 00:20:46,951
The Single Girls'
Guide to Happy Hour.
528
00:20:47,117 --> 00:20:49,165
Dogs Who Look
Like Presidents.
529
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:52,267
This one's just pictures
of people reacting to farts.
530
00:20:52,499 --> 00:20:54,651
I like where
the USA is headed.
531
00:20:54,652 --> 00:21:01,152
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man