1 00:00:01,352 --> 00:00:04,496 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,567 --> 00:00:07,835 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,869 --> 00:00:11,404 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,441 --> 00:00:14,408 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,443 --> 00:00:17,911 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,946 --> 00:00:21,214 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,250 --> 00:00:22,782 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,818 --> 00:00:24,150 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,186 --> 00:00:25,870 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:25,871 --> 00:00:29,871 ♪ Family Guy 13x02 ♪ The Book of Joe Original Air Date on October 5, 2014 11 00:00:29,872 --> 00:00:34,872 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man web dl sync snarry 12 00:00:34,873 --> 00:00:37,274 Hey, guys. You look like you're getting a little red. 13 00:00:37,309 --> 00:00:39,209 Maybe you ought to put some sunblock on. 14 00:00:39,244 --> 00:00:40,344 Joe, we just got here. 15 00:00:40,379 --> 00:00:41,645 Oh, sorry about that. 16 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,246 These got a little mixed up. 17 00:00:43,282 --> 00:00:45,415 "Hey, glad you guys could make it!" 18 00:00:45,451 --> 00:00:47,484 Ugh, look at Cleveland over there. 19 00:00:47,519 --> 00:00:49,519 He's obviously cleaning his feet in the pool 20 00:00:49,555 --> 00:00:52,289 without making it look like he's cleaning his feet in the pool. 21 00:00:52,324 --> 00:00:53,790 Oh, that's nice. 22 00:00:53,826 --> 00:00:55,492 That's a good temp. 23 00:00:55,527 --> 00:00:58,662 I wonder if this temp is the same on my other foot. 24 00:00:58,697 --> 00:00:59,997 Oh, yeah. 25 00:01:00,032 --> 00:01:02,032 Sure is a good day for it. 26 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:04,234 Good day for these wet paint brushes, too. 27 00:01:04,269 --> 00:01:07,104 Is the pool too warm for paint brushes? 28 00:01:12,311 --> 00:01:13,610 Hey, sorry again, Kevin. 29 00:01:13,646 --> 00:01:16,113 I didn't see you in the tub. 30 00:01:29,995 --> 00:01:31,261 Huh, what's all this? 31 00:01:31,296 --> 00:01:32,696 Honey, it doesn't seem like 32 00:01:32,731 --> 00:01:35,098 the Griffins are leaving anytime too soon! 33 00:01:35,134 --> 00:01:36,199 Oh. Hey, Peter. 34 00:01:36,235 --> 00:01:37,968 Hey, Joe. What are all these pictures? 35 00:01:38,003 --> 00:01:39,369 Oh, nothing. 36 00:01:39,405 --> 00:01:41,405 They're just some stupid scribbles I've been working on 37 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:42,739 for a children's book. 38 00:01:42,775 --> 00:01:43,895 I don't think that's stupid. 39 00:01:43,909 --> 00:01:45,075 I think that's awesome! 40 00:01:45,110 --> 00:01:46,543 I mean, my one note on these 41 00:01:46,578 --> 00:01:48,812 would be to hide a bunch of dongs in the backgrounds, 42 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,247 but, otherwise, I think they're great! 43 00:01:50,282 --> 00:01:52,883 Wow. Well, that really means a lot to me, Peter. 44 00:01:52,918 --> 00:01:54,851 I've been working on this book for nine years, 45 00:01:54,887 --> 00:01:56,920 but I've been too afraid to show it to anybody. 46 00:01:56,955 --> 00:01:58,822 Come on, Joe. You can't be afraid. 47 00:01:58,857 --> 00:02:01,525 What if Bono had been afraid to wear sunglasses? 48 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:02,960 Then nobody would know about Africa. 49 00:02:02,961 --> 00:02:04,261 What's it about? 50 00:02:04,296 --> 00:02:06,396 Well, it's called The Hopeful Squirrel. 51 00:02:06,432 --> 00:02:07,931 It's about a handicapped squirrel 52 00:02:07,966 --> 00:02:10,000 who has to learn to overcome his disabilities 53 00:02:10,035 --> 00:02:11,702 so he can survive in the wild. 54 00:02:11,737 --> 00:02:14,771 As you can imagine, it's very personal to me. 55 00:02:14,807 --> 00:02:18,241 Wait... were you once a squirrel? 56 00:02:18,277 --> 00:02:20,210 No, Peter. I'm handicapped. 57 00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:22,285 Well, you know, you ought to do something with this. 58 00:02:22,314 --> 00:02:23,413 Really? You think so? 59 00:02:23,449 --> 00:02:24,548 Hey, trust me, Joe. 60 00:02:24,583 --> 00:02:25,982 I know talent when I see it. 61 00:02:26,018 --> 00:02:27,884 I mean, I discovered Mr. Peanut. 62 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:29,686 Ordinary legume. 63 00:02:29,722 --> 00:02:31,555 Ordinary legume. 64 00:02:31,590 --> 00:02:34,124 Extraordinary peanut! 65 00:02:38,263 --> 00:02:40,030 Oh, man. There she is. 66 00:02:40,065 --> 00:02:40,931 Wha... Who? 67 00:02:40,966 --> 00:02:42,132 That girl, right there. 68 00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:44,301 She comes in here every morning after her run. 69 00:02:44,336 --> 00:02:46,036 Ah, I'm obsessed with her. 70 00:02:46,071 --> 00:02:47,671 Well, why don't you go talk to her? 71 00:02:47,706 --> 00:02:49,172 Way ahead of ya. 72 00:02:49,208 --> 00:02:50,707 Wh... Where are you going? 73 00:02:53,345 --> 00:02:55,212 And... 1,000. 74 00:02:55,247 --> 00:02:56,247 Whew. 75 00:02:56,248 --> 00:02:57,614 1,000 what? 76 00:02:57,649 --> 00:02:59,683 Percent, that's what. 77 00:02:59,718 --> 00:03:01,384 You, uh, you in the game, too? 78 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:03,019 You mean running? 79 00:03:03,055 --> 00:03:04,855 Uh, let me think... what's on my trophies? 80 00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:06,289 Uh... yes! 81 00:03:06,325 --> 00:03:07,357 You're losing her! 82 00:03:07,392 --> 00:03:08,392 Hey, I'm Brian. 83 00:03:08,393 --> 00:03:09,393 Hi, I'm Chloe. 84 00:03:09,394 --> 00:03:10,394 Nice to meet you. 85 00:03:10,395 --> 00:03:12,028 Hey, uh, you wouldn't maybe want 86 00:03:12,064 --> 00:03:13,997 to grab a bite to eat sometime, would you? 87 00:03:14,032 --> 00:03:15,032 That sounds great. 88 00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:16,099 Awesome. 89 00:03:16,135 --> 00:03:17,968 You know, see, this is how you meet people. 90 00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:19,503 I tried the online dating thing, 91 00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,638 but there's just too much competition out there. 92 00:03:24,376 --> 00:03:26,696 Short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. 93 00:03:26,712 --> 00:03:29,246 Short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. 94 00:03:29,281 --> 00:03:31,915 Short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. 95 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,284 Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving 96 00:03:34,319 --> 00:03:37,020 Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium. 97 00:03:37,055 --> 00:03:39,156 Due to a gut-busting divorce, limited people skills, 98 00:03:39,191 --> 00:03:41,191 and significant prodding from my therapist, 99 00:03:41,226 --> 00:03:43,693 I am currently seeking online companionship as 100 00:03:43,729 --> 00:03:46,429 a short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. 101 00:03:46,465 --> 00:03:47,764 And I would love to attempt 102 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,167 to convert my heavily embellished Internet profile 103 00:03:50,202 --> 00:03:52,002 and carefully airbrushed, out-of-date photo, 104 00:03:52,037 --> 00:03:55,972 into a night of physical intimacy with you...! 105 00:04:03,348 --> 00:04:05,582 Peter, I just heard the best news. 106 00:04:05,617 --> 00:04:08,118 Wow, word gets around fast. 107 00:04:08,153 --> 00:04:09,085 Nice, right? 108 00:04:09,121 --> 00:04:10,587 No. Peter, I took your advice 109 00:04:10,622 --> 00:04:12,355 and sent my book to a publisher. 110 00:04:12,391 --> 00:04:14,591 They're gonna publish The Hopeful Squirrel. 111 00:04:14,626 --> 00:04:15,926 And it's all thanks to you! 112 00:04:15,961 --> 00:04:17,260 Joe, that's amazing! 113 00:04:17,296 --> 00:04:19,329 So there's gonna be a real live book out there 114 00:04:19,364 --> 00:04:20,530 with your name on it? 115 00:04:20,566 --> 00:04:22,899 Well, actually, I'm writing it under a pen name... 116 00:04:22,935 --> 00:04:24,301 David Chicago. 117 00:04:24,336 --> 00:04:27,137 Well, how come you didn't just write it under Joe... 118 00:04:27,172 --> 00:04:28,638 S... Steenburj... 119 00:04:28,674 --> 00:04:29,973 You know, your real name? 120 00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:32,642 I wanted to avoid catching crap down at the police station. 121 00:04:32,678 --> 00:04:34,611 They don't like anything artistic. 122 00:04:34,646 --> 00:04:36,847 They were pretty rough on my mime act. 123 00:04:36,882 --> 00:04:38,114 I'm in a box. 124 00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:40,684 Oop, that's the back of the box. 125 00:04:40,719 --> 00:04:42,018 You're not supposed to talk! 126 00:04:42,054 --> 00:04:44,754 Well, how else are you gonna know I'm in a box?! 127 00:04:49,194 --> 00:04:50,460 Oh. Hi, Brian. 128 00:04:50,495 --> 00:04:52,028 Hey. You, uh... 129 00:04:52,064 --> 00:04:53,663 you didn't forget about our date, did you? 130 00:04:53,699 --> 00:04:54,865 Of course not. 131 00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:56,666 I was just thinking, since it's so nice out, 132 00:04:56,702 --> 00:04:58,735 we could go out for a run and then eat. 133 00:04:58,770 --> 00:05:01,404 Oh. Yeah. N-no, no. You know, I would totally do that. 134 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,175 I-I just... I've already run, like, so many "K" today. 135 00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:06,676 Oh, come on, don't be a wimp! 136 00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:08,745 This way, you'll earn your dessert. 137 00:05:12,484 --> 00:05:14,751 Wow, this is great, isn't it, Brian? 138 00:05:14,786 --> 00:05:16,486 Yeah, it's awesome. 139 00:05:16,521 --> 00:05:20,891 Hey, uh, is your vision also reduced to just a tiny pinhole? 140 00:05:20,926 --> 00:05:22,359 Just push through it, Brian. 141 00:05:22,394 --> 00:05:24,027 Once you hit your runner's high, 142 00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:25,562 you'll catch your second wind. 143 00:05:25,597 --> 00:05:26,630 Runner's high? 144 00:05:26,665 --> 00:05:30,367 Yeah, my endorphins always kick in at the top of this hill. 145 00:05:31,937 --> 00:05:33,403 Oh, crap. 146 00:05:38,110 --> 00:05:39,943 Brian, this is your heart. 147 00:05:39,978 --> 00:05:41,344 What the hell do you think you're doing? 148 00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:42,512 Stop. 149 00:05:42,547 --> 00:05:44,214 Brian, this is your penis. 150 00:05:44,249 --> 00:05:45,282 Don't listen to him. 151 00:05:45,317 --> 00:05:46,950 We're this close to Bone City. 152 00:05:46,985 --> 00:05:48,885 Brian, I'm here, too. 153 00:05:48,921 --> 00:05:51,588 I'm hanging out with your penis and your heart. 154 00:05:51,623 --> 00:05:53,723 Okay, here comes the top. 155 00:05:53,759 --> 00:05:55,191 Chloe, I'm not sure I can... 156 00:05:57,229 --> 00:05:59,562 I feel it. 157 00:05:59,598 --> 00:06:01,898 I'm feeling the runner's high. 158 00:06:01,934 --> 00:06:04,701 ♪ It was a beautiful day ♪ 159 00:06:04,736 --> 00:06:07,103 ♪ The sun beat down ♪ 160 00:06:07,139 --> 00:06:08,772 ♪ I had the radio on... ♪ 161 00:06:08,807 --> 00:06:11,408 Go get 'em, Brian! 162 00:06:11,443 --> 00:06:14,411 By the way, the sun is really a black guy. 163 00:06:14,446 --> 00:06:16,646 The moon is Korean! 164 00:06:16,682 --> 00:06:19,049 Wow, this is amazing. 165 00:06:19,084 --> 00:06:21,751 I never want to lose this feeling. 166 00:06:21,787 --> 00:06:24,621 ♪ Yeah, I'm running' down a dream ♪ 167 00:06:24,656 --> 00:06:27,524 ♪ That never would come to me ♪ 168 00:06:27,559 --> 00:06:31,027 ♪ Workin' on a mystery... ♪ 169 00:06:32,030 --> 00:06:33,363 Oh, Brian. 170 00:06:33,398 --> 00:06:34,965 That was incredible. 171 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,268 Yeah, you hump her real good, Brian! 172 00:06:38,303 --> 00:06:40,303 I'm gonna go ahead and close the shades. 173 00:06:41,306 --> 00:06:43,974 I still see you! 174 00:06:47,145 --> 00:06:50,046 Hello, everyone. I'm Blake Walker from Piermont Publishing. 175 00:06:50,082 --> 00:06:52,682 Please join me in welcoming David Chicago. 176 00:06:54,553 --> 00:06:57,954 Okay, so, uh, hi, folks, and thank you all for coming. 177 00:06:57,990 --> 00:07:00,323 I know this would've been a great day to surf. 178 00:07:00,359 --> 00:07:01,858 That's not a joke! 179 00:07:01,893 --> 00:07:05,428 Uh, anyway, this is The Hopeful Squirrel. 180 00:07:05,464 --> 00:07:07,897 "There once was a handicapped squirrel 181 00:07:07,933 --> 00:07:10,266 who could not climb trees to get food." 182 00:07:10,302 --> 00:07:12,302 Okay, next page. 183 00:07:16,508 --> 00:07:17,741 "The squirrel"... 184 00:07:17,776 --> 00:07:19,442 the same squirrel from the first page... 185 00:07:19,478 --> 00:07:22,912 "hoped that the other animals would share their food with him. 186 00:07:22,948 --> 00:07:24,914 "'Please, ' said the Hopeful Squirrel. 187 00:07:24,950 --> 00:07:27,217 "'If you could all spare just one nut, 188 00:07:27,252 --> 00:07:29,352 I, too, could survive the winter.'" 189 00:07:29,388 --> 00:07:30,987 Sorry about that. 190 00:07:31,023 --> 00:07:33,223 Mommy, I don't like the wheel man. 191 00:07:33,258 --> 00:07:35,058 "But none of the other animals 192 00:07:35,093 --> 00:07:38,361 would share with the Hopeful Squirrel." 193 00:07:38,397 --> 00:07:40,163 Hey, eyes front! I'm talking! 194 00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:41,765 Don't tell my kid what to do. 195 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,767 Well, maybe if you did, I wouldn't have to! 196 00:07:45,570 --> 00:07:47,037 Shut up! This is free! 197 00:07:47,072 --> 00:07:48,352 You know why it's free? 198 00:07:48,373 --> 00:07:50,240 'Cause it sucks! Quagmire? 199 00:07:50,275 --> 00:07:53,209 I think it might be time to leave. 200 00:07:53,245 --> 00:07:55,278 Ah, crap, this is Joe's dream. 201 00:07:55,313 --> 00:07:57,113 I got to do something. 202 00:07:57,149 --> 00:07:58,448 Joe, what are you doing? 203 00:07:58,483 --> 00:08:00,283 The-the squirrel doesn't even sound hopeful. 204 00:08:00,318 --> 00:08:03,820 It's got to be like, "If you could spare just one nut, 205 00:08:03,855 --> 00:08:06,122 I, too, could survive the winter!" 206 00:08:06,158 --> 00:08:07,557 Oh, I like that voice. 207 00:08:07,592 --> 00:08:08,925 He's funny. 208 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,127 That's the man who passed out at the liquor store. 209 00:08:11,163 --> 00:08:13,296 Joe, quick, give me the book. 210 00:08:13,331 --> 00:08:17,400 "And so, the squirrel decided to climb for his own nuts. 211 00:08:17,436 --> 00:08:20,270 "'I don't need legs when I've got a positive attitude 212 00:08:20,305 --> 00:08:22,439 and arm strength.'" 213 00:08:22,474 --> 00:08:25,108 "'I'm sorry that we mistreated you, ' 214 00:08:25,143 --> 00:08:27,077 "said Buddy the Badger. 215 00:08:27,112 --> 00:08:28,578 "'Could you find it in your heart 216 00:08:28,613 --> 00:08:30,213 "to share your nuts with us?' 217 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,549 "'Of course I'll share with you all, ' 218 00:08:32,584 --> 00:08:33,783 "said the squirrel. 219 00:08:33,819 --> 00:08:35,485 "'For if I could not forgive, 220 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,588 then I would be truly handicapped.'" 221 00:08:45,831 --> 00:08:47,931 Wow, that was great. Who are you? 222 00:08:47,966 --> 00:08:50,400 Just a grown man with a pet hermit crab. 223 00:08:50,435 --> 00:08:52,735 Listen, Joe, how would you feel about your friend 224 00:08:52,771 --> 00:08:54,771 getting more involved? What do you mean? 225 00:08:54,806 --> 00:08:57,207 Well, you would write the books, and your friend, Peter, 226 00:08:57,242 --> 00:08:59,309 would be the public face of The Hopeful Squirrel. 227 00:08:59,344 --> 00:09:01,044 He would be David Chicago. 228 00:09:01,079 --> 00:09:03,746 Well, I... I don't know. 229 00:09:03,782 --> 00:09:05,381 Joe, this happens all the time. 230 00:09:05,417 --> 00:09:06,716 You wouldn't believe who really writes 231 00:09:06,751 --> 00:09:08,585 all those Stephen King books. 232 00:09:08,620 --> 00:09:10,954 Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff. Ding! 233 00:09:10,989 --> 00:09:13,323 Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff. Ding! 234 00:09:13,358 --> 00:09:16,359 Scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff. Lunch! 235 00:09:16,394 --> 00:09:18,528 Look, Peter can get this book into the hands 236 00:09:18,563 --> 00:09:20,096 of every kid in America. 237 00:09:20,132 --> 00:09:21,452 That's what you wanted, isn't it? 238 00:09:21,466 --> 00:09:22,999 All right. 239 00:09:23,034 --> 00:09:25,468 Well, whatever you think is best for the book. 240 00:09:25,504 --> 00:09:27,437 Great! So it's all agreed. 241 00:09:27,472 --> 00:09:29,272 Can't wait to work with you, Peter. 242 00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:31,741 What-what just happened? 243 00:09:31,776 --> 00:09:34,010 Oh, the bookstore closed and is now a Target. 244 00:09:34,045 --> 00:09:36,746 But don't worry, our industry's fine. 245 00:09:43,064 --> 00:09:45,064 Excuse me, Mr. Chicago? 246 00:09:45,099 --> 00:09:46,966 Could you please sign my copy of your book? 247 00:09:47,001 --> 00:09:48,601 - Sure, I... - Easy there, Joe. 248 00:09:48,636 --> 00:09:50,636 Hot Rod asked for Mr. Chicago. 249 00:09:52,974 --> 00:09:55,608 "Give me all your money. I have a gun"? 250 00:09:55,643 --> 00:09:58,043 Oh, wait, I think I messed something up. 251 00:09:58,079 --> 00:10:00,279 "Never give up on your dreams"? 252 00:10:02,984 --> 00:10:05,351 Listen, Peter, if you're gonna act as David Chicago, 253 00:10:05,386 --> 00:10:07,686 I need to know that you're gonna take this seriously 254 00:10:07,722 --> 00:10:09,622 and honor the message of the book. 255 00:10:09,657 --> 00:10:11,390 Joe, I got it. Trust me. 256 00:10:11,425 --> 00:10:12,658 This ain't the first time 257 00:10:12,693 --> 00:10:14,560 I've pretended to be someone I'm not. 258 00:10:16,497 --> 00:10:19,798 Gene Shalit, I am the ghost of Roger Ebert. 259 00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:23,435 And even in death, I'm a better critic than you. 260 00:10:23,471 --> 00:10:25,404 Leave me alone! Go back to hell! 261 00:10:26,607 --> 00:10:28,774 Gene, is everything all right? 262 00:10:28,809 --> 00:10:29,909 It's fine, Joanne. 263 00:10:29,944 --> 00:10:31,310 Go back to sleep. 264 00:10:44,492 --> 00:10:46,125 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. 265 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,094 Welcome to another edition of Cross-Legged Chat. 266 00:10:49,130 --> 00:10:50,829 Our guest on today's show is 267 00:10:50,865 --> 00:10:54,133 local bestselling children's book author David Chicago. 268 00:10:54,168 --> 00:10:55,567 - Welcome. - Thank you. 269 00:10:55,603 --> 00:10:57,703 Wow, all your words are right there for you? 270 00:10:58,839 --> 00:11:01,206 Quite... quite the imagination on this one. 271 00:11:01,242 --> 00:11:03,008 So, tell me, how did you decide 272 00:11:03,044 --> 00:11:05,010 to write about a handicapped squirrel? 273 00:11:06,247 --> 00:11:07,846 You know, I'd see these crippled kids 274 00:11:07,882 --> 00:11:09,782 limping down the sidewalk on my way to work, 275 00:11:09,817 --> 00:11:11,917 and I would just laugh and laugh, 276 00:11:11,953 --> 00:11:13,819 and I thought, "Hey! Put that in a book!" 277 00:11:15,723 --> 00:11:18,958 He's making people laugh at handicapped people. 278 00:11:18,993 --> 00:11:20,192 What's he doing out there?! 279 00:11:20,227 --> 00:11:21,560 I'll tell you what he's doing, 280 00:11:21,595 --> 00:11:22,915 he's selling books! They love him! 281 00:11:22,930 --> 00:11:25,831 Now, I understand we have some questions from the audience. 282 00:11:25,866 --> 00:11:27,333 Yes, I have a question. 283 00:11:27,368 --> 00:11:29,835 Is the Hopeful Squirrel a boy or a girl? 284 00:11:29,870 --> 00:11:31,136 I'm a boy! 285 00:11:31,172 --> 00:11:33,505 But in the book, I'm drawn smooth down there, 286 00:11:33,541 --> 00:11:35,541 so it's not a bad question. 287 00:11:35,576 --> 00:11:36,809 Okay, that's all our time. 288 00:11:36,844 --> 00:11:38,877 We invite you to stay tuned through the credits 289 00:11:38,913 --> 00:11:41,046 so you can see where I buy my clothes. 290 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,360 So what's going on here? 291 00:11:54,395 --> 00:11:55,828 Just having dinner. 292 00:11:55,863 --> 00:11:58,364 That's Dad's chair. He's gonna be mad. 293 00:11:58,399 --> 00:12:01,700 Wow, Brian, you sure have been doing a lot of jogging lately. 294 00:12:01,736 --> 00:12:03,969 It's called "running," Lois. 295 00:12:04,005 --> 00:12:05,304 Why don't you have some food? 296 00:12:05,339 --> 00:12:06,839 Oh, you mean fuel? 297 00:12:06,874 --> 00:12:09,041 Ah, no-no offense, Lois, but that stuff 298 00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:10,843 is nothing but chemicals and empty calories. 299 00:12:10,878 --> 00:12:13,712 Okay. I'll mush some up and put it on the floor 300 00:12:13,748 --> 00:12:15,614 next to the trash, if you get hungry. 301 00:12:15,649 --> 00:12:17,549 I think you bought girl running shoes. 302 00:12:17,585 --> 00:12:20,486 You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, 303 00:12:20,521 --> 00:12:22,388 Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon 304 00:12:22,423 --> 00:12:23,489 in a couple weeks. 305 00:12:23,524 --> 00:12:24,723 A marathon? 306 00:12:24,759 --> 00:12:27,059 But-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb? 307 00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,561 Yeah, are you sure you can finish a marathon? 308 00:12:29,597 --> 00:12:30,763 I'm not worried, Meg. 309 00:12:30,798 --> 00:12:32,631 I'm just gonna give it all I've got, 310 00:12:32,666 --> 00:12:34,967 like Scotty engineering the Enterprise. 311 00:12:36,437 --> 00:12:37,903 Scotty, we need more speed! 312 00:12:37,938 --> 00:12:39,838 I'm giving her all she's got, Captain! 313 00:12:39,874 --> 00:12:41,173 She can't take any more! 314 00:12:41,208 --> 00:12:43,942 Damn. Chekov, reroute auxiliary power to the helm. 315 00:12:43,978 --> 00:12:45,444 Scotty to bridge. 316 00:12:45,446 --> 00:12:48,847 Uh... Captain, this uh... this is a little embarrassing, 317 00:12:48,883 --> 00:12:50,749 but, uh, you know, I've never noticed, uh, 318 00:12:50,785 --> 00:12:52,818 the little lever I've been pushing, it's... 319 00:12:52,853 --> 00:12:54,753 it's only about two-thirds of the way up. 320 00:12:54,789 --> 00:12:56,688 I-I actually can give her more. 321 00:12:56,724 --> 00:12:57,724 That's great, Scotty! 322 00:12:57,725 --> 00:12:59,124 Mr. Spock, give us readings on... 323 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,993 Uh, C-Captain, Scotty again. 324 00:13:01,028 --> 00:13:02,661 Y... You're not gonna believe this. 325 00:13:02,696 --> 00:13:04,696 Uh, there's another lever here, too. 326 00:13:04,732 --> 00:13:07,599 The ship can literally go three times as fast. 327 00:13:07,635 --> 00:13:09,001 I... I'm sorry. 328 00:13:09,036 --> 00:13:11,236 I feel like such a capital-J jerk right now. 329 00:13:11,272 --> 00:13:12,337 It's okay, Scotty. 330 00:13:12,373 --> 00:13:14,406 Lieutenant Uhura, open all channels for... 331 00:13:14,442 --> 00:13:17,109 Captain, I've-I've got to, uh, interrupt again. 332 00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,377 I've just been thinking about 333 00:13:18,412 --> 00:13:20,179 this-this "giving her all she's got" thing. 334 00:13:20,214 --> 00:13:23,048 I mean, I've been completely wrong for years now. 335 00:13:23,084 --> 00:13:24,616 I-I feel terrible. 336 00:13:24,652 --> 00:13:26,685 I mean, think of how many crises we've been in 337 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,754 where the issue was how fast we could go. 338 00:13:28,789 --> 00:13:31,056 I-I mean... I'm sorry, Captain. 339 00:13:31,092 --> 00:13:32,224 Scotty, it's okay. 340 00:13:32,259 --> 00:13:33,292 No, it's not! 341 00:13:33,327 --> 00:13:34,693 Eric's dead! 342 00:13:34,728 --> 00:13:37,596 At the funeral, I literally said the words to his wife, 343 00:13:37,631 --> 00:13:39,198 "I was giving her all she's got." 344 00:13:39,233 --> 00:13:40,566 Scotty, it's fine. 345 00:13:40,601 --> 00:13:41,601 Sulu, lock phasers... 346 00:13:41,602 --> 00:13:43,335 Captain, I just got to jump in here. 347 00:13:43,370 --> 00:13:44,903 W-We don't have enough dilithium crystals 348 00:13:44,939 --> 00:13:46,305 to run the phasers. 349 00:13:47,775 --> 00:13:50,809 I've-I've lost all credibility, haven't I? 350 00:13:54,849 --> 00:13:57,149 Peter, I think we need to talk. 351 00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:58,884 You totally screwed up my book. 352 00:13:58,919 --> 00:14:01,053 You're getting kids to laugh at handicapped people, 353 00:14:01,088 --> 00:14:02,888 when I'm trying to inspire them. 354 00:14:02,923 --> 00:14:04,723 I'm afraid you're off the project. 355 00:14:04,758 --> 00:14:05,758 What? 356 00:14:05,759 --> 00:14:07,159 You can't kick me off the project. 357 00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:08,260 I'm David Chicago! 358 00:14:08,295 --> 00:14:09,895 I'm the one who wrote the book. 359 00:14:09,930 --> 00:14:11,563 Joe, come on. Let's not kid ourselves. 360 00:14:11,599 --> 00:14:13,165 All right? Everybody knows my face now. 361 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,067 And besides, I'm the only one of the two of us 362 00:14:15,102 --> 00:14:16,835 who can do a squirrel voice. 363 00:14:16,871 --> 00:14:18,737 Well, I don't know if that's quite true. 364 00:14:18,772 --> 00:14:20,672 Joe, Joe, stop. You're embarrassing yourself. 365 00:14:20,708 --> 00:14:23,142 Sorry, Joe, but the publisher loves me. 366 00:14:23,177 --> 00:14:24,543 The public loves me. 367 00:14:24,578 --> 00:14:25,677 I'm not going anywhere. 368 00:14:25,713 --> 00:14:27,179 Screw you, Peter! You know what? 369 00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:28,447 You've ruined this for me. 370 00:14:28,482 --> 00:14:30,215 I want nothing to do with the book, 371 00:14:30,251 --> 00:14:31,984 and I want nothing to do with you! 372 00:14:34,021 --> 00:14:37,289 Aw, one of his shoes fell off during the anger. 373 00:14:45,139 --> 00:14:48,007 Peter, Bonnie told me that Joe's very upset. 374 00:14:48,042 --> 00:14:49,942 Did you really take his book away from him? 375 00:14:49,978 --> 00:14:51,811 Did you just poop and then get into bed 376 00:14:51,846 --> 00:14:52,846 without underwear on? 377 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,014 That book really meant a lot to Joe. 378 00:14:55,049 --> 00:14:56,549 I think you should talk to him. 379 00:14:56,584 --> 00:14:58,718 Hey, that book would've been nothing without me. 380 00:14:58,753 --> 00:15:00,553 And besides, he's the one who quit. 381 00:15:00,588 --> 00:15:03,422 Now the publisher wants another book and it's all on me! 382 00:15:03,458 --> 00:15:05,725 I just hate to see you two in a fight. 383 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,628 And on the same week when my sister and I 384 00:15:08,663 --> 00:15:10,763 are having such a big fight, too. 385 00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:13,966 Good night, Lois. 386 00:15:18,306 --> 00:15:20,206 All right, guys. Ideas, ideas. 387 00:15:20,241 --> 00:15:21,974 We got a Hopeful Squirrel book to write. 388 00:15:22,010 --> 00:15:23,309 All right, now, who's got something? 389 00:15:23,344 --> 00:15:24,944 I-I got... I got something. 390 00:15:24,979 --> 00:15:29,248 What if the squirrel has lasers... 391 00:15:29,283 --> 00:15:30,883 that he shoots out of his eyes! 392 00:15:30,918 --> 00:15:32,218 Quagmire's on the board. 393 00:15:32,253 --> 00:15:34,453 And how 'bout he got a frog friend 394 00:15:34,489 --> 00:15:36,288 that's got some sort of catchphrase? 395 00:15:36,324 --> 00:15:39,091 Like, if he's seeing something kooky, he could be like, 396 00:15:39,127 --> 00:15:42,662 "Damn, that's cray-cray in a good way, right there!" 397 00:15:42,697 --> 00:15:44,030 Wow. 398 00:15:44,065 --> 00:15:46,767 God just speaks right through you, doesn't he, Cleveland? 399 00:15:46,768 --> 00:15:47,933 I believe he does. 400 00:15:47,969 --> 00:15:49,235 Okay, what else, what else? 401 00:15:49,270 --> 00:15:51,704 If there's a bison... 402 00:15:51,739 --> 00:15:53,406 Is that a statement or a question? 403 00:15:53,441 --> 00:15:54,707 It is what it is. 404 00:15:54,742 --> 00:15:56,809 Ain't nothing gotta be nothing, huh? 405 00:16:00,415 --> 00:16:02,855 Hey, Stewie! Can you come in the bathroom for a second? 406 00:16:04,218 --> 00:16:06,452 What is it, Bri... Oh, my God! 407 00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:08,087 Hey, could you close the gate? 408 00:16:08,122 --> 00:16:10,856 Couple of calves got loose. Ha, pow! 409 00:16:10,892 --> 00:16:12,625 Brian, you're all sinewy. 410 00:16:12,660 --> 00:16:15,327 Your whole body looks like Paul McCartney's neck. 411 00:16:15,363 --> 00:16:17,063 - Thanks. - That's not a compliment. 412 00:16:17,098 --> 00:16:18,098 You look terrible. 413 00:16:18,099 --> 00:16:19,498 What does your girlfriend think of this? 414 00:16:19,534 --> 00:16:21,367 I dumped her; she couldn't keep up with me. 415 00:16:21,402 --> 00:16:23,002 Hey, grab me some more Band-Aids, will you? 416 00:16:23,037 --> 00:16:25,738 I got, like, eight more nipples to cover up before my run. 417 00:16:25,773 --> 00:16:29,375 You know, whatever you're doing, it isn't healthy, Brian. 418 00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:30,743 Oh, I'm not healthy? 419 00:16:30,778 --> 00:16:33,412 Stewie, my heart rate is down to four beats a minute. 420 00:16:33,448 --> 00:16:35,014 Besides, I got to keep training. 421 00:16:35,049 --> 00:16:36,582 The marathon's in two days. 422 00:16:36,617 --> 00:16:39,452 Brian, I-I'm worried you're losing yourself in all this. 423 00:16:39,487 --> 00:16:40,953 Do you remember that phase 424 00:16:40,988 --> 00:16:42,922 when you thought you were a pointer dog? 425 00:16:42,957 --> 00:16:45,291 Was someone wearing my new high heels? 426 00:16:46,728 --> 00:16:48,227 You dick. 427 00:16:57,739 --> 00:16:59,238 Ladies and gentlemen, 428 00:16:59,273 --> 00:17:02,808 boys and girls, hot moms who are married but looking... 429 00:17:03,845 --> 00:17:06,545 David Chicago! 430 00:17:09,350 --> 00:17:12,451 Hey, how many of y'all bitches like to read? 431 00:17:16,591 --> 00:17:17,923 "Chapter One. 432 00:17:17,959 --> 00:17:19,692 "It was winter in the forest, 433 00:17:19,727 --> 00:17:22,862 "so the squirrel was happy he'd built that hot tub. 434 00:17:22,897 --> 00:17:26,432 "But little did he know, a strain of super gonorrhea 435 00:17:26,467 --> 00:17:28,067 "was gonna hit him so fierce 436 00:17:28,102 --> 00:17:31,470 "he'd wish he was still paralyzed from the waist down. 437 00:17:31,506 --> 00:17:35,641 "On top of that, some son of a bitch killed his brother." 438 00:17:37,478 --> 00:17:39,678 "The monkey's kick-ass buzz saw hand tore his head open. 439 00:17:40,715 --> 00:17:43,849 "'His brains, his brains... they're everywhere!' 440 00:17:43,885 --> 00:17:45,684 the little girl yelled." 441 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,154 "'Damn, that's cray-cray in a good way, right there!'" 442 00:17:48,189 --> 00:17:50,489 "...exclaimed Billy the Bullfrog." 443 00:17:50,525 --> 00:17:53,692 "The woodchuck mom and her baby finished their cocoa 444 00:17:53,728 --> 00:17:56,295 "and then tucked in for another cozy night. 445 00:17:56,330 --> 00:17:58,597 But then..." 446 00:17:58,633 --> 00:18:01,467 "'Nothing but cops on the take and hookers on the make, ' 447 00:18:01,502 --> 00:18:02,968 "said Randy the Raccoon. 448 00:18:03,004 --> 00:18:06,071 "'What's a hooker?' asked the bunny, who was gay. 449 00:18:06,107 --> 00:18:07,339 "'That and a bag of crank 450 00:18:07,375 --> 00:18:09,508 "is my Saturday night!' spat Randy. 451 00:18:09,544 --> 00:18:11,710 The end." 452 00:18:13,047 --> 00:18:14,880 - You're awful. - That was the worst. 453 00:18:14,916 --> 00:18:16,582 We had trouble hearing you in the back. 454 00:18:19,420 --> 00:18:22,655 I'm sorry, Peter, you're fired. 455 00:18:22,690 --> 00:18:25,958 I'm sorry Joe's dream didn't work out for you, Peter. 456 00:18:25,993 --> 00:18:28,060 What was I thinking? 457 00:18:28,095 --> 00:18:30,196 Joe's the one with all the talent. 458 00:18:30,231 --> 00:18:31,764 Me trying to write a book 459 00:18:31,799 --> 00:18:34,500 is like CeeLo trying to find a pair of pants. 460 00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:38,370 Yeah, I need to find something a cartoon apple would wear. 461 00:18:42,910 --> 00:18:44,310 Hey, you made it! 462 00:18:44,345 --> 00:18:46,212 So you ready to watch me kick some ass? 463 00:18:46,247 --> 00:18:48,380 Brian, I think you've taken all of this too far. 464 00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:50,950 You know, there is such a thing as too much exercise. 465 00:18:50,985 --> 00:18:52,685 Stewie, I know you're worried, all right? 466 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,553 And no offense, but I'm not taking advice 467 00:18:54,589 --> 00:18:56,055 from a guy who eats bread. 468 00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:57,756 Runners, take your marks! 469 00:19:06,334 --> 00:19:08,601 Oh, son of a bitch! 470 00:19:08,636 --> 00:19:10,102 Ow, my leg! 471 00:19:10,137 --> 00:19:11,704 Help me, somebody! 472 00:19:18,346 --> 00:19:22,248 Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage? 473 00:19:29,257 --> 00:19:30,257 Peter. 474 00:19:30,291 --> 00:19:32,324 Look, Joe, I messed up. 475 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,993 All right? I just... 476 00:19:34,028 --> 00:19:37,029 I just got so wrapped up in all the attention. 477 00:19:37,064 --> 00:19:39,598 The attention you deserved. 478 00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:41,367 I know how much this meant to you, 479 00:19:41,402 --> 00:19:43,769 and I... I should've just stayed out of it. 480 00:19:43,804 --> 00:19:45,771 Listen, I'm... 481 00:19:45,806 --> 00:19:48,641 I'm sorry I mistreated you. 482 00:19:48,676 --> 00:19:51,277 Okay? You deserve better. 483 00:19:51,312 --> 00:19:52,811 Peter, wait. 484 00:19:52,847 --> 00:19:57,349 If I could not forgive, then I would be truly handicapped. 485 00:19:57,385 --> 00:19:58,385 What? 486 00:19:58,386 --> 00:19:59,618 It's from the book, Peter. 487 00:19:59,654 --> 00:20:00,654 What book? 488 00:20:00,655 --> 00:20:01,787 I forgive you, Peter. 489 00:20:01,822 --> 00:20:02,822 You do? 490 00:20:02,823 --> 00:20:06,425 Yeah. The truth is, I never would have had the confidence 491 00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:08,294 to get my book published in the first place. 492 00:20:08,329 --> 00:20:10,095 And that's all I ever wanted. 493 00:20:10,131 --> 00:20:11,697 Friends? 494 00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:13,632 Frasier. 495 00:20:18,406 --> 00:20:19,805 So, Bri, how's that ankle itch? 496 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:20,906 Well, what do you mean? 497 00:20:20,942 --> 00:20:22,207 I'm just saying, you probably have 498 00:20:22,243 --> 00:20:23,742 an itchy ankle under that cast. 499 00:20:23,778 --> 00:20:26,366 It starts as a tickle and then you can't quite reach it? 500 00:20:26,380 --> 00:20:27,980 - Not gonna work, Stewie. - Yes, you're right. 501 00:20:28,015 --> 00:20:29,214 Best not to think about it. 502 00:20:29,250 --> 00:20:30,816 Even though it might be a little bug 503 00:20:30,851 --> 00:20:34,086 digging away down there, just nagging and itching and... 504 00:20:34,121 --> 00:20:36,021 Ah, ah, crap, I did it to myself! 505 00:20:36,057 --> 00:20:37,823 Ah, what is that? 506 00:20:37,858 --> 00:20:40,292 Well, Peter, I'm glad you made up with Joe. 507 00:20:40,328 --> 00:20:41,660 Yeah, me, too. 508 00:20:41,696 --> 00:20:45,264 It just goes to show you, Lois, books is bad news. 509 00:20:45,299 --> 00:20:47,599 Well, except for the books they sell at Urban Outfitters. 510 00:20:47,635 --> 00:20:50,351 The Single Girls' Guide to Happy Hour. 511 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:52,565 Dogs Who Look Like Presidents. 512 00:20:52,566 --> 00:20:55,667 This one's just pictures of people reacting to farts. 513 00:20:55,899 --> 00:20:58,051 I like where the USA is headed. 514 00:20:58,052 --> 00:21:04,552 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man web dl sync snarry