1
00:00:01,201 --> 00:00:03,499
Okay, great.
I'll see you tomorrow.
2
00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:05,026
Thanks, Doctor.
3
00:00:05,638 --> 00:00:06,764
Have a good one.
4
00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:11,407
Hey, there, Sarge. Not to pry,
but I couldn't help but overhear
5
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:13,241
you're going to the doctor?
Everything okay?
6
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,144
I'm getting a vasectomy.
7
00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:20,585
My ears are burning.
8
00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:21,779
Did someone say "vasectomy"?
9
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:23,247
I got snipped.
10
00:00:23,323 --> 00:00:25,951
No big deal. Just numbs you out
from trunk to skunk for a year.
11
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,323
It's not supposed to.
12
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:28,452
Trunk to skunk?
13
00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:33,465
Hold it up. You're going to let some quack
doctor just knife around down there?
14
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:36,161
You were blessed
with a great power.
15
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,068
And you should never
snip its wings.
16
00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:40,973
You should let it soar.
17
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,839
Thanks, guys, that's enough.
I don't need any more input.
18
00:00:44,277 --> 00:00:45,505
Neither does your wife, I guess.
19
00:00:46,646 --> 00:00:49,012
Look, you guys, if the Sergeant
wants to chop off his penis,
20
00:00:49,082 --> 00:00:50,140
that is his choice.
21
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:51,945
That's not what a vasectomy is.
22
00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:55,219
If you guys don't get back to work,
I'm going to start firing detectives.
23
00:00:55,455 --> 00:00:58,424
And blanks. Sorry. I just
never think of jokes.
24
00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:01,085
Anybody else?
This is your last chance.
25
00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:03,953
Oh, God. No need
to be so testes.
26
00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:06,193
Guess you won't be manning
the tip line.
27
00:01:06,833 --> 00:01:08,733
Sergeant, is this going to go
on your "spermanent" record?
28
00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:10,999
Now playing Scrotal Recall.
29
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:24,000
Ripped By mstoll
30
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,225
Hey, Sarge, great news.
31
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:35,818
I just got assigned
such a dope stabbing.
32
00:01:36,696 --> 00:01:38,220
Sorry, the stabbing part is bad.
33
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:39,458
But here's the dope part.
34
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,666
The guy survived and he owns
a chocolate milk restaurant.
35
00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:43,825
Seriously?
36
00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:45,427
I know, right? Finally,
a dumb Brooklyn hipster
37
00:01:45,505 --> 00:01:47,029
trend my mouth
and I can get behind.
38
00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:48,529
Want to hop on the case with me?
39
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:49,734
We're a killer team.
40
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:52,004
Jeffords and Peralta,
Jake and Terry,
41
00:01:52,078 --> 00:01:53,306
chocolate and milk.
42
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,911
I mean, I'm the chocolate
and you're the milk
43
00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:57,006
because you're
so full of protein.
44
00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:58,175
Don't be mad.
Just do the case.
45
00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:01,982
Okay. But I have
my vasectomy today,
46
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,613
so I need to be back
in a few hours
47
00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:04,884
to catch my ride
to the doctor's.
48
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:06,349
My neighbor's driving me
49
00:02:06,426 --> 00:02:07,984
because my wife's out
of town with the girls.
50
00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:09,484
Why don't I drive you?
51
00:02:10,029 --> 00:02:12,054
I don't know. I guess
I didn't really think of you
52
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,121
as that kind of friend.
53
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:14,757
Sarge, I'm every kind of friend.
54
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,392
I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler,
55
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,562
I'm Rachel, I'm...
Who's the dinosaur guy?
56
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:21,063
Ross, bro. Ross.
57
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,904
Sorry, I forgot you were
such a Ross-head.
58
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:24,975
So, look, we'll work
this thing together
59
00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:27,808
and afterwards, I will be
your friend chariot
60
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,712
to the penis removal
of the century.
61
00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:35,513
The new NYPD commissioner is planning a
complete reorganization of the force.
62
00:02:35,588 --> 00:02:37,783
But first, he'll be sending a
Deputy Chief to every precinct
63
00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:39,757
to conduct a top
to bottom evaluation.
64
00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,526
What? When?
65
00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:42,822
Are we going to be
graded or is this
66
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,090
just some pass/fail garbage?
67
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,654
Scale of one to five.
68
00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:47,361
That's how many
letter grades there are.
69
00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:49,993
Feels like they're just being weird
using numbers instead of letters.
70
00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:51,661
Yeah, they're being
weird right now.
71
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:55,037
Boyle, Diaz, I want the evidence
room organized beyond reproach.
72
00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:58,874
Santiago. When I greet the Deputy
Chief, I want you there by my side
73
00:02:58,945 --> 00:03:00,207
to make a good impression.
74
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:03,777
No offense, but you are
something of a teacher's pet.
75
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:06,877
None taken.
People love their pets.
76
00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:09,346
The good news is, our
evaluation will be done
77
00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:11,982
by Deputy Chief Brandt.
We have a good rapport.
78
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:13,848
He was once my Captain.
79
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,361
So, he's kind of like
our Grand Captain.
80
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,754
That is amazingly funny.
81
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,461
Well, I was closing up
at around 11:00.
82
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:25,595
I heard the door open.
83
00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:27,196
I just figured it was
some "Milkers".
84
00:03:28,308 --> 00:03:29,434
That's what we call
our regulars.
85
00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:30,533
Do you?
86
00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:31,634
Next thing I know,
87
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,178
the guy stabs me in the back.
88
00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:34,610
Like, like, right here.
89
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:36,376
Like some kind of psycho wuss.
90
00:03:36,449 --> 00:03:38,417
Can you think of anyone
who might want to harm you?
91
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,918
Yeah. I mean,
you don't get into
92
00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:42,477
this line of business
to make friends.
93
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:43,886
Really? I would think
making chocolate milk
94
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,151
is a great way to make friends.
95
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,250
I don't have proof, but
the guy who did this to me
96
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:48,555
is my business partner...
97
00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:49,650
Gregory Phillips.
98
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:50,889
He's still pissed at me
99
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:52,226
because I banned him
from my 'straunt.
100
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:54,059
He was supposed
to be my silent partner,
101
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:55,259
but he wasn't silent.
102
00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:56,495
He was trying to
control everything.
103
00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:57,965
Here. Try this.
104
00:03:58,037 --> 00:04:00,164
All right, here we go.
Finally.
105
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,366
All right.
106
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,266
Oh!
107
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:06,870
Oh! It's so bitter! What's wrong
with this chocolate milk?
108
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,380
Dark milk isn't chocolate milk.
Huh?
109
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:11,849
This is teat-to-mouth
raw cow's milk.
110
00:04:12,051 --> 00:04:15,282
The bitterness of the chocolate
brings out the sourness in the milk.
111
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,817
That's the worst part
of both of those things.
112
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:21,389
Uh... Time
for my appointment, Jake.
113
00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:23,395
Yep, got it. All right. We'll look
into this and get back to you.
114
00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,958
Okay, Sarge. Hate to be
"that kind of a friend,"
115
00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:28,864
but let's go
chop off that penis.
116
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:32,666
Where were you?
This is chaos.
117
00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:35,469
Gina's been filing evidence
by "perp" hotness.
118
00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:37,600
I'm so sorry.
I just got some bad news.
119
00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:39,508
My sister was going to go with
me to an engagement party,
120
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:40,876
but she had to cancel.
121
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,347
So, go alone. Maybe
you'll meet some new bag.
122
00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:45,543
It's my ex-wife Eleanor's
engagement party.
123
00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:48,485
I can't go alone. I'm worried it
might seem a little pathetic.
124
00:04:48,554 --> 00:04:50,249
Yeah, if only you could
have gone with your sister.
125
00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:54,823
Dude. Why are you going to your
ex-wife's engagement party at all?
126
00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:58,193
She and her fiancé, Hercules,
are also my landlords.
127
00:04:58,264 --> 00:05:00,630
I mean, it's not like I can avoid them.
I live in their basement.
128
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:05,094
Hey! Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
129
00:05:05,171 --> 00:05:06,968
No.
You could go with me.
130
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,735
Can't. I have a date
tomorrow night.
131
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,639
Okay. I will figure
something out.
132
00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:15,213
I know. Maybe if I pay
my neighbor, JoAnn,
133
00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:16,873
she'll ditch
her wife for the night.
134
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:20,746
Captain, I don't know
if this is too much,
135
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:23,618
but I got Deputy Chief Brandt
this little basket of pears.
136
00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:26,488
They look ripe and crispy.
137
00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:28,416
Hello, Raymond.
138
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:35,957
Captain Wuntch.
Good to see you.
139
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:39,994
But if you're here,
who's guarding Hades?
140
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,408
It's Deputy Chief Wuntch now.
141
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:44,966
Unsurprisingly, I've
been promoted above you.
142
00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:46,511
And now, I'm here
to evaluate you.
143
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:48,204
What happened
to Brandt?
144
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:51,580
He retired and moved to Charleston
to be closer to his grandchildren.
145
00:05:51,651 --> 00:05:54,142
So much for dying at your
desk with a little dignity.
146
00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:57,212
Interesting. I will attempt
to cooperate with you
147
00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,758
under these new circumstances.
148
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,755
Don't sweet-talk me, Holt.
149
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:05,586
I gave it my best shot.
Let's begin.
150
00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:11,668
Hey, hey. How did it go? Is his
voice all high-pitched now?
151
00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:13,337
What? No, of course not.
152
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:14,430
Of course not.
153
00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:17,533
Jake! The doctors made me
into a superhero.
154
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,868
I'm so strong.
155
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,445
And they made me black.
156
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,217
He's on a lot of medication.
157
00:06:25,284 --> 00:06:26,774
We weren't able
to do the procedure.
158
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:27,945
Your friend is so large...
159
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:29,954
That you needed a bigger saw
to get through his dingus?
160
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:33,423
No, his body is
so physically massive
161
00:06:33,493 --> 00:06:35,927
that we didn't have
enough anesthesia on hand.
162
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,462
He needs a much larger dose.
163
00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:39,020
Psst. Psst, Jake.
Mmm.
164
00:06:39,298 --> 00:06:43,997
Sometimes, I can't tell my twin baby girls
apart, so I call them both "Boo-Boo."
165
00:06:45,538 --> 00:06:46,596
Oh, wow.
166
00:06:46,672 --> 00:06:48,162
So, he has no filter whatsoever?
167
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,230
None.
168
00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:50,969
I'm going to take you
home now, Sarge.
169
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:52,601
Hey. What do you think
of Captain Holt?
170
00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:54,879
Ah, he needs to smoke some weed.
171
00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:57,438
Yes! Thank you,
Dr. Penis-off!
172
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,142
Okay. In you go.
173
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,816
Whoo-hoo!
174
00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:06,882
Dude, your head is so small.
175
00:07:07,226 --> 00:07:09,217
Like a...
Hmm, yeah.
176
00:07:09,295 --> 00:07:12,856
No, no, it's so small!
177
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,031
Where do you keep your brains?
178
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:19,497
Ah!
Good.
179
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,533
All right. Got your PJs
on, read you a story,
180
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,200
checked under
the bed for monsters.
181
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,837
Check again. And now,
it's sleepy time.
182
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:28,642
So, here we go.
Get in the bed.
183
00:07:28,714 --> 00:07:34,880
Wait. Wait. Wait. You've got to promise me
you won't let them give me the operation.
184
00:07:35,755 --> 00:07:39,521
I want to have more kids.
I don't want the vasectomy.
185
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,991
Promise me, Tiny Head.
Promise me!
186
00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:44,358
All right, I promise.
I promise.
187
00:07:44,430 --> 00:07:45,522
Good.
188
00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:51,530
Because I'm not done with my testicles yet.
I'm going to let them sing.
189
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:55,366
Hey! Oh!
190
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:02,173
Uh-oh. Walk of shame.
Same clothes as yesterday.
191
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:04,881
I slept at the Sarge's.
It was horrible.
192
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:07,920
Come here, phone.
193
00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:11,147
All right, let's get going
and interview that suspect.
194
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,692
I have my make-up vasectomy
this afternoon, so...
195
00:08:13,759 --> 00:08:15,386
I'm sorry,
your what-what vasectomy?
196
00:08:15,461 --> 00:08:17,088
Last night, you told me
you didn't want that.
197
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,927
Then, you fell on top of me and changed
the shape of my skeleton forever.
198
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:26,104
Nah, I definitely want one. That was the
drugs talking. I was high as a kite.
199
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:31,873
Did I do this
and call you Tiny Head?
200
00:08:31,944 --> 00:08:33,002
Yes.
201
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,507
Some things are coming
back to me now.
202
00:08:35,581 --> 00:08:36,946
Oh, that's great.
203
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,984
Tiny Head.
204
00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:42,509
Jake, I am so scared that man is
about to make a huge mistake,
205
00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:44,419
RE, his vas deferens.
206
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:47,288
I know. He made me promise to
not let him get that surgery.
207
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,691
And it wasn't just the drugs.
208
00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:49,921
He doesn't want this.
209
00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:52,557
As his friend,
it's my job to stop him.
210
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,032
Sorry, Terry turned my spine
into a loose stack of pebbles.
211
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:06,672
And since my arrival, violent
crime has gone down by 17.3%,
212
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:07,940
as you can see here.
213
00:09:08,347 --> 00:09:11,544
Two-toned graphs? You
think you can distract me
214
00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:14,245
from this precinct's problems
with a flashy presentation?
215
00:09:14,820 --> 00:09:18,051
Same old Ray Holt.
All sizzle, no steak.
216
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,285
I'm off to do some spot checks.
217
00:09:22,261 --> 00:09:24,593
Oh, my God. She's totally
going to flunk us.
218
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:27,993
I haven't gotten an "F" since I
failed recess in second grade.
219
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,762
"Teachers need a break,
too, Amy."
220
00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:32,531
We were doomed the minute she
slithered into the precinct.
221
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:37,098
It's funny. When we first
met, we had some good times.
222
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:41,777
Looks like we both
want that stapler.
223
00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:43,838
Seems that way,
based on what happened.
224
00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:49,382
So, when did it all go south?
225
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:52,424
1989. I was up
for a big promotion,
226
00:09:52,491 --> 00:09:53,981
which would have
fast-tracked my career.
227
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,419
Wuntch offered to write a letter
on my behalf, but instead,
228
00:09:56,495 --> 00:09:59,726
she torpedoed me, because
of something that happened
229
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:01,460
the night before
she was to turn it in.
230
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:03,726
Madeline.
231
00:10:06,372 --> 00:10:07,396
Would you care for a drink?
232
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:08,497
I'd love one.
233
00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:11,800
I'm sure you can tell I'm quite drunk.
I've had a couple,
234
00:10:11,877 --> 00:10:13,276
to build up the nerve.
235
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,341
I think we both know
what I'm about to say.
236
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:20,817
Raymond, I don't think
we need to say anything.
237
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:27,484
I'm gay. That's what
I was going to tell you.
238
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,519
Well, then.
239
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:34,693
She sabotaged my career
because I refused to bed her.
240
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:39,494
He thinks I stabbed him?
That's crazy.
241
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:42,302
He said you were furious at him because
he banned you from the restaurant
242
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,400
and called your business
plans terrible.
243
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:48,508
The text reads, "Your ideas
are dumb-dumb batter
244
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:52,244
"in a stupid pancake, you
steaming pile of human fences."
245
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:55,517
I assume that was
autocorrected from "feces".
246
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:58,985
Look, partners fight.
He's difficult to work with,
247
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:00,548
but I would never
try and kill him.
248
00:11:00,626 --> 00:11:03,220
Where were you on Monday
around 10:00 p. M?
249
00:11:03,362 --> 00:11:05,455
Me and my business school buddies
get together every Monday
250
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:06,623
and have a couple beers.
251
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,831
Also, there's a, uh, pilates
studio with a huge window
252
00:11:09,902 --> 00:11:10,960
across the street.
253
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:13,471
So, it's a pretty sweet view.
254
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,937
I guess that's not as bad
as stabbing someone?
255
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,374
I left around 10:00,
took the subway home,
256
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:20,537
got off at York Street
around my house,
257
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,342
puked on a statue, went to bed.
258
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:25,077
Classy. All right, well, we've
taken up enough of your time.
259
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:28,882
Enjoy the rest of your day and go back
to your life as a pile of human fences.
260
00:11:29,288 --> 00:11:32,451
Okay. Let's see if any of Dark Milk's
neighbors saw the "Pilates Perv,"
261
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,425
or anyone else, fleeing
the scene of the crime.
262
00:11:34,493 --> 00:11:36,188
Copy that.
We'll do some cop stuff,
263
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:37,354
have a heart-to-heart
about your vasectomy,
264
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,921
cancel your vasectomy, grab some
drinks, laugh about the time
265
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:41,125
you almost got a vasectomy.
266
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,724
Stop worrying about
my vasectomy, man.
267
00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:45,194
Maybe you should focus
on your own body.
268
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,134
When's the last time
you had a carrot?
269
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,766
Well, it's my least favorite
type of cake, so rarely.
270
00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:51,742
If I absolutely have to,
I'll just eat the frosting.
271
00:11:51,977 --> 00:11:54,036
Hey. Cut it out, Cake Boy.
272
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:56,946
You're making health insurance
more expensive for everyone else.
273
00:11:57,016 --> 00:12:00,474
Yeah, well, you know what else drives
up premiums? Unwanted genital removal.
274
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:05,757
Thank you for coming. I wasn't
sure if you'd get my message.
275
00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:07,349
Charles, it was
kind of hard to miss.
276
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:10,457
Oh, God!
277
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:12,124
I didn't know what to do.
278
00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:13,631
You said we weren't
allowed to talk at work
279
00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:15,030
now that we're knocking boots.
280
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:16,227
Ew. Gross.
281
00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:19,135
Listen, my ex-wife's throwing an
engagement party this weekend
282
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:22,868
and I was wondering if you
wanted to go, as friends.
283
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:27,043
No. Charles. Just because we
have secret, shameful sex,
284
00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:28,603
does not mean we are friends.
285
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,543
Forget friends.
Let's go as "Bone Bros".
286
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:34,685
I didn't strike you when you
said "knocking boots",
287
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:38,315
but "Bone Bros"?
I cannot abide.
288
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:41,726
Have you seen this man
around Dark Milk?
289
00:12:41,794 --> 00:12:43,022
Oh, I don't go there.
290
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,793
They don't
allow babies in there.
291
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:48,664
What is wrong with them? All I drank
when I was a baby was chocolate milk.
292
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:50,561
Well, thank you for your time.
293
00:12:50,636 --> 00:12:52,968
And thank you, adorable little
baby, who's probably giving
294
00:12:53,038 --> 00:12:55,097
my partner some mixed
feelings right about now.
295
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:57,638
"Don't get the operation, Sarge.
296
00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:00,645
"Instead, make a tiny muscular
friend for me to play with."
297
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:01,577
That's enough.
298
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:02,841
I'm with you.
That's enough, baby.
299
00:13:02,915 --> 00:13:03,904
Mind your own business.
300
00:13:05,017 --> 00:13:08,544
I haven't heard of Dark Milk, and
I've never seen this man before.
301
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,448
This is your lead?
Why are we here?
302
00:13:11,924 --> 00:13:13,050
Well, according to the Internet,
303
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:16,288
Dr. Mindel is the best couples
counselor in the Park Slope area,
304
00:13:16,362 --> 00:13:18,091
who accepts
same day walk-ins.
305
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,598
Couples counseling?
Sorry for wasting your time.
306
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:22,264
Wait. Please don't leave.
307
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,733
This cost me so much money.
308
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:26,929
I am so sorry.
309
00:13:27,506 --> 00:13:30,441
He's walking out.
Just like your father did.
310
00:13:31,343 --> 00:13:32,742
Wait a minute. I didn't
tell you about that.
311
00:13:33,112 --> 00:13:34,101
Didn't have to.
312
00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:36,247
You are good.
313
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:41,077
Sarge, wait up.
Come on. Don't be mad.
314
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,316
Look, I'm only trying to protect
you from your very stupid self.
315
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,755
That is enough, Jake.
316
00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:49,126
Look, I'm sorry, okay? But the
things you said when you were
317
00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:52,596
whacked out were real. You made me promise.
And as your friend...
318
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,463
I told you, Jake. We're
not that kind of friends.
319
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:57,363
Not what kind of friends?
320
00:13:57,436 --> 00:14:00,701
Friend-friends. You and
I are work-friends.
321
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:04,231
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm
going to the doctor's office.
322
00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:10,604
Not good enough. Prepare to be physically
overpowered by a friend-friend.
323
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:12,206
Ah!
324
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:16,352
Cancel the appointment.
I've got you. You can't move.
325
00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:20,715
Concede defeat, sir!
You have been conquered.
326
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:26,127
Spot-checks are done. Needless to
say, I am thoroughly underwhelmed.
327
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:30,797
Huh. From your expression, I would
have guessed constipated or chilly.
328
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:34,502
Excuse us, Captain. I don't want
to say that I've saved the day,
329
00:14:35,007 --> 00:14:37,908
but I will,
because I did. So...
330
00:14:38,911 --> 00:14:42,677
The letter of recommendation she
wrote for you 25 years ago.
331
00:14:43,983 --> 00:14:45,109
Where'd you get this?
332
00:14:45,184 --> 00:14:46,708
I just went down to
One Police Plaza
333
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:49,117
and applied some of my
signature Amy charm.
334
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:52,118
And then, when you wouldn't
stop, they just gave it to you?
335
00:14:52,191 --> 00:14:55,786
More or less. The point is,
the letter's very positive.
336
00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:57,829
You thought she wrote
mean stuff about you
337
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,559
because of the night before.
338
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:01,691
But she didn't.
339
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,400
It was all a misunderstanding.
340
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:07,371
Wait a minute. You thought I cost you
that promotion because you're gay?
341
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:10,506
That's what you've been mad
about all these years?
342
00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:13,044
It's one reason.
343
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,442
I don't care that you
rejected my advances.
344
00:15:15,514 --> 00:15:18,950
Your sexual identity is the one
thing I actually respect about you.
345
00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:21,216
Then, what are you mad about?
346
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:24,017
I'm mad because you tried to
get me thrown off the force.
347
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,556
Yeah, because you shot me.
348
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:29,958
I shot you because you were in the wrong
position. You weren't following orders.
349
00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:32,826
What about the time you destroyed my
personnel file while I was undercover?
350
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,092
What if there had been a mole?
351
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:35,190
You were trying to
make me disappear.
352
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:37,167
You embarrassed me
in front of Derek Jeter.
353
00:15:37,536 --> 00:15:42,667
You embarrassed yourself
in front of Derek Jeter.
354
00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:52,006
Hey, Rosa. Better file me
under "E" for "Edgy."
355
00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:53,510
What?
356
00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:54,777
Cornrows!
357
00:15:54,853 --> 00:15:57,083
Why?
My ex-wife and her fiancé
358
00:15:57,156 --> 00:15:59,989
go to Jamaica all the time.
The theme of their party is
359
00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:02,084
"Jamaican Me Marry You".
So good.
360
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:05,296
So, I still don't have a date
361
00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,590
unless a sweet maize-head
has changed your mind.
362
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:10,300
I think we both know it hasn't.
363
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:12,098
We do.
Fair enough.
364
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:15,931
Why do you look so terrible?
365
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:18,135
I tried to stop Sarge
from getting his tubes tied.
366
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:20,572
But he somehow managed
to sneak off to the hospital.
367
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:22,375
Zip that lip.
He's doing it?
368
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,712
He wouldn't listen to me. He
said I was a "work friend".
369
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:28,147
Oh, that chills me. And
it reminds me of a story.
370
00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:30,448
I had this sweater,
and it was a work sweater
371
00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:32,046
because it only seemed
work aprope.
372
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:36,121
But one time, I wore it out
to dinner, and I was like,
373
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:39,255
"Oh, dang. This sweater
is cute everywhere."
374
00:16:40,566 --> 00:16:43,330
I get it. I'm the sweater.
No.
375
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:44,869
And I have to show the Sarge
I can be a good friend
376
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:47,030
to him outside of work, too. No.
377
00:16:47,106 --> 00:16:48,767
Thank you, Gina.
I'm going to stop him.
378
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,699
Jake, I have no idea what you're
talking about, but good luck.
379
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:56,014
Well, goodbye, Raymond. Anything
you'd like to say to me
380
00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:57,776
before I complete my evaluation?
381
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,545
Something in the form
of groveling?
382
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:02,352
Never.
Fail me if you must.
383
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,926
You're just going
to let her fail us?
384
00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:11,895
I'm sorry about your precious grade,
Santiago, but this isn't about you.
385
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:14,298
Don't "this isn't about you" me.
386
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:16,357
I'm "this isn't
about you"-ing you.
387
00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:18,797
That grade is the only
thing standing between
388
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,635
me and a future where you're
not my captain anymore.
389
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,005
Wuntch failed the Nine-Oh
and their captain was fired.
390
00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:26,738
I attempted to cajole her,
but she rebuffed me.
391
00:17:27,246 --> 00:17:29,942
I'm not a man
of unlimited cajoling.
392
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:32,479
Well, you better become one,
393
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:33,984
because I need you in command.
394
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:38,717
This precinct needs you in command.
Cajole up, Captain.
395
00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,026
Sarge. Hey.
396
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:52,170
What the hell are you
doing here, Tiny Head?
397
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:56,297
You better not be trying to talk
me out of my surgery again.
398
00:17:56,375 --> 00:17:58,172
Look, I'm not trying to
talk you out of anything.
399
00:17:58,243 --> 00:17:59,904
I'm just here to give
you a ride home
400
00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:01,411
and to prove to you,
once and for all,
401
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,947
that I'm more than just
a work friend.
402
00:18:03,949 --> 00:18:06,110
Thank you, Microscope Head.
403
00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:07,243
Hey, little bit of good news.
404
00:18:07,319 --> 00:18:08,513
I figured out the case.
405
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,521
Remember Gregory said he got
off at the York Street station
406
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:11,681
the night of the stabbing?
407
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:12,781
Well, I took the subway here,
408
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,018
and it's closed
for construction.
409
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,357
Hmm. So, what you're
saying is...
410
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:20,057
I stabbed him. I did it.
411
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:22,227
You know what? We'll
talk about it tomorrow.
412
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:23,927
See you on the other side.
413
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:32,772
Jake, you were right. I don't
want the surgery, Tiny Head!
414
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:36,440
NYPD! Put down the scalpel and step away
from my work friend's wiener tubes!
415
00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:40,616
Looking good, Boyle.
416
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,420
That's not a good sign.
417
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:43,944
Hey, mon.
418
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:47,122
Rosa. You changed
your mind.
419
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:50,223
I blew off my date, and instead, I'm
going to spend a hellish evening
420
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,456
in a Jamaican torture
chamber with you.
421
00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:53,691
Really?
Yeah.
422
00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:55,323
Here's what's about to happen.
423
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,628
We're going to go
to this terrible party.
424
00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:57,794
I'm going to laugh
at all your jokes.
425
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:58,928
I'm going to talk about
your Medal of Valor,
426
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,199
and I'm going to make you look
like a Jamaican God of Rhythm.
427
00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:02,570
Sebastian from
The Little Mermaid.
428
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:06,270
Also, tomorrow, I'm going to
help you find a new apartment.
429
00:19:06,945 --> 00:19:08,845
You can't live in your
ex-wife's basement anymore.
430
00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:13,180
Wow. Respect, mon. I'm going to
read you my toast in the car.
431
00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:14,945
You're giving a toast?
432
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:16,851
More like we're giving a toast.
Ugh.
433
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:19,816
Here we go.
434
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:21,757
Jake, I have to tell
you something.
435
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:22,816
Oh, boy.
436
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:26,262
I am a little conflicted
about having a vasectomy.
437
00:19:26,565 --> 00:19:29,466
Really? Is that why you threw
an EKG machine at the doctor?
438
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:33,728
I'm sorry I thought of you as a
work friend. You're here, man.
439
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:39,742
You're a friend-friend. You made Terry
get real with himself and his genitals.
440
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:45,043
Your tiny head has
a big heart inside it.
441
00:19:46,785 --> 00:19:49,618
I know that's scientifically
wrong, but thanks, Sarge.
442
00:19:50,155 --> 00:19:52,487
I'm going to talk to my wife
when she comes home.
443
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,191
You're a huggy, good...
444
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,353
Wait!
...friend.
445
00:19:57,429 --> 00:19:58,919
No! Not again.
446
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,291
Santiago.
447
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:02,856
We received our grade.
448
00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:06,337
Oh, my God.
Is this goodbye?
449
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,231
There's still so much
I have to say to you.
450
00:20:09,308 --> 00:20:12,505
2.7. Mediocre.
451
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:14,674
But enough for you
to stick around.
452
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:17,109
How did you get her
to change her mind?
453
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:19,047
I had to compromise
everything I stand for.
454
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:23,354
You are now, and always have been
the superior police officer.
455
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:24,480
And?
456
00:20:26,592 --> 00:20:28,423
The Derek Jeter thing
was my fault.
457
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,595
I'm sorry you had
to go through that.
458
00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:34,188
No, you were right. This is
the best job I've ever had,
459
00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:36,791
and it would be foolish to
give it up over a petty feud.
460
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:39,566
Here, this is for you.
461
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:42,369
It's a grade for your performance
these past two days.
462
00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:45,001
A letter grade, so as
to not be weird about it.
463
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:48,343
Oh, my God.
You really shouldn't have.
464
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:50,542
An "A".
465
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:52,572
Thank you.
466
00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:56,553
Just curious, does your
system have pluses in it?
467
00:20:56,622 --> 00:20:58,283
Or is, like, "A" the highest?
468
00:21:01,326 --> 00:21:02,520
How'd the interrogation go?
469
00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:04,595
Gregory confessed
to the stabbing.
470
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,288
Nice work.
471
00:21:07,232 --> 00:21:08,824
I just talked to my wife.
472
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,333
We're waiting on the operation.
473
00:21:10,402 --> 00:21:11,528
Everything's cool.
474
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:13,230
Did you tell her
we slept together twice?
475
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:15,199
Thanks for taking care of me.
476
00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:16,766
I got you a present.
477
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:19,640
Do you know what
a present is, Terry?
478
00:21:20,178 --> 00:21:21,645
I care about my friends.
479
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:24,114
Now, eat your carrots,
480
00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:25,774
or I'll rip your tiny head off.
481
00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:27,512
No. No. No!
Come here.
482
00:21:28,086 --> 00:21:31,180
I hate being
friends with you!
483
00:21:34,500 --> 00:21:42,500
Ripped By mstoll