1 00:00:01,229 --> 00:00:03,679 _ 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:06,128 __ 3 00:00:06,129 --> 00:00:10,020 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 4 00:00:13,071 --> 00:00:14,654 Am I gonna die, captain? 5 00:00:14,656 --> 00:00:16,606 It'll be all right, private. Do you hear me? 6 00:00:16,608 --> 00:00:18,775 You need to look that angel of death right in the eye 7 00:00:18,777 --> 00:00:21,110 and shout, "what the shit is that?" 8 00:00:21,112 --> 00:00:24,747 - Macho man T-shirt. - A macho man T-shirt? 9 00:00:24,749 --> 00:00:28,117 All right, everyone stop! 10 00:00:28,119 --> 00:00:31,120 God damn it, I told all of you we need to make this authentic, 11 00:00:31,122 --> 00:00:32,121 And look at you. 12 00:00:32,123 --> 00:00:35,959 Uh, yeah, you guys. Don't you know what rebels look like? 13 00:00:35,961 --> 00:00:40,463 The only one taking this reenactment seriously is Dr. Kuzniak. 14 00:00:40,465 --> 00:00:42,382 Reenactment? What reenactment? 15 00:00:42,384 --> 00:00:45,969 - Quick question, can I buy him? - This some bullshit. 16 00:00:45,971 --> 00:00:48,888 I don't give a shit about your cotton-picking problems. 17 00:00:48,890 --> 00:00:51,307 See what I did there? 18 00:00:51,309 --> 00:00:54,360 - I'ma get you for this, asshole. - Quit complaining. 19 00:00:54,362 --> 00:00:57,230 You're not the only slave here. 20 00:00:57,232 --> 00:00:59,866 Ew. Denzel, the most important thing 21 00:00:59,868 --> 00:01:03,286 in civil war reenactment is historical accuracy. 22 00:01:04,456 --> 00:01:05,655 Hold on. It's a, uh... 23 00:01:05,657 --> 00:01:07,991 A call from the future. What? 24 00:01:07,993 --> 00:01:10,660 Listen, some old woman called claiming to be your mother. 25 00:01:10,662 --> 00:01:13,246 I said, "that's a cruel joke. His mom is dead." 26 00:01:13,248 --> 00:01:14,464 Then she got really upset. 27 00:01:14,466 --> 00:01:17,166 - She said she's on her way over. - Mommy? 28 00:01:17,168 --> 00:01:20,887 Nooo! 29 00:01:20,889 --> 00:01:23,089 Captain's leading the charge. 30 00:01:23,091 --> 00:01:25,008 Let's get them sumbitches! 31 00:01:26,678 --> 00:01:30,563 - Hey, no fair. I shot you. - Lick my musket balls, yankee. 32 00:01:30,565 --> 00:01:33,232 Four score and seven... 33 00:01:34,653 --> 00:01:36,402 - Yee-haw! - Whoo-hoo! 34 00:01:36,404 --> 00:01:40,657 - We just won the civil war. - I told you the south would rise again. 35 00:01:40,659 --> 00:01:44,360 It's going to be just like the good old days. 36 00:01:44,362 --> 00:01:46,863 Awkward. 37 00:01:51,536 --> 00:01:54,539 ♪ Brickleberry ♪ 38 00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,740 3x04 - "That Brothers My Father" 39 00:01:57,926 --> 00:02:01,294 Wheel... of... fortune! 40 00:02:01,296 --> 00:02:04,464 I'm Pat Sajak, and it's identical twins week here on wheel. 41 00:02:04,466 --> 00:02:06,466 Either that or I'm extremely drunk again. 42 00:02:09,220 --> 00:02:11,888 - Pat's so funny. - Connie, where were you? 43 00:02:11,890 --> 00:02:13,556 You missed the whole reenactment. 44 00:02:13,558 --> 00:02:16,192 Oh, sorry, Ethel. I've been busy. 45 00:02:16,194 --> 00:02:19,062 Today's the day my lifelong dream will finally come true. 46 00:02:19,064 --> 00:02:21,647 Connie, they've been putting cheese in the crust for years now. 47 00:02:21,649 --> 00:02:23,950 No, my other lifelong dream. 48 00:02:23,952 --> 00:02:26,119 Wheel of fortune is coming to Hazelhurst. 49 00:02:26,121 --> 00:02:28,905 Here, you can read all about it in The Daily Patter. 50 00:02:28,907 --> 00:02:32,992 You subscribe to a daily Pat Sajak newsletter? 51 00:02:32,994 --> 00:02:34,460 No, silly, I write it. 52 00:02:34,462 --> 00:02:36,379 And I've been watching 86 straight hours 53 00:02:36,381 --> 00:02:38,581 of Wheel to get ready for my tryout. 54 00:02:38,583 --> 00:02:41,467 Want to borrow some tapes? I have every episode ever. 55 00:02:41,469 --> 00:02:43,386 This one's a mix tape. 56 00:02:43,388 --> 00:02:44,754 All love puzzles. 57 00:02:44,756 --> 00:02:49,780 Oh! Time for me to go camp out in line. 58 00:02:49,928 --> 00:02:52,595 Oh, Pat, I can't wait to meet you in person. 59 00:02:52,597 --> 00:02:56,149 Whoa, you stink. 60 00:02:56,151 --> 00:02:57,600 Code red, Malloy! 61 00:02:57,602 --> 00:03:00,186 We got to clean this place up before Mommy gets here. 62 00:03:00,188 --> 00:03:02,355 Here. Let me help you. 63 00:03:02,357 --> 00:03:05,942 I got to clear my Google history and my Bing history 64 00:03:05,944 --> 00:03:08,194 and all the things I asked jeeves about squirters. 65 00:03:08,196 --> 00:03:10,113 You know what? Screw it. 66 00:03:11,366 --> 00:03:14,417 If your mom's still alive, then whose ashes are in that urn? 67 00:03:14,419 --> 00:03:16,252 Ex-girlfriend who gave me some lip. 68 00:03:16,254 --> 00:03:17,870 It also doubles as a swear jar. 69 00:03:17,872 --> 00:03:18,871 Why did you tell everybody your mom 70 00:03:18,873 --> 00:03:20,123 was dead in the first place? 71 00:03:20,125 --> 00:03:22,592 Because she's a [bleep] nightmare. 72 00:03:24,379 --> 00:03:29,515 The year was 1968, and I was just an average American boy. 73 00:03:32,137 --> 00:03:33,352 Son! 74 00:03:33,354 --> 00:03:36,856 Uh, a fire started on my pee pee, and I had to rub it out. 75 00:03:36,858 --> 00:03:39,942 I think it's time you learned about the birds and the bees. 76 00:03:39,944 --> 00:03:41,644 She talked to you about sex. So what? 77 00:03:41,646 --> 00:03:43,146 About sex? Uh-uh. 78 00:03:43,148 --> 00:03:46,482 She locked me in a closet full of birds and bees! 79 00:03:49,154 --> 00:03:52,038 This is what happens to boys who touch their dirty pecker. 80 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,873 Just because you're a big baby, 81 00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:55,958 you deprived me of a grandmother? 82 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,128 The one person whose job it is to spoil me. 83 00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:02,632 - Someone is going to pay for this. - The Jews? 84 00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:04,133 Dear god, she's here! Quick! 85 00:04:04,135 --> 00:04:06,803 I got to put on this Christmas sweater she knitted me. 86 00:04:06,805 --> 00:04:10,588 Well, that puts the "Christ" in Christmas. 87 00:04:10,623 --> 00:04:13,643 - Woodrow, my dear. - Hi, Mommy. 88 00:04:13,645 --> 00:04:16,429 Oh, what a lovely home you have here. 89 00:04:16,431 --> 00:04:18,231 Uh-oh, dusty. 90 00:04:18,233 --> 00:04:20,683 You forgot to dust our plant when you were little. 91 00:04:20,685 --> 00:04:22,101 That's why your father left. 92 00:04:22,103 --> 00:04:24,487 I'm sorry, Mommy. I'm a bad boy. 93 00:04:24,489 --> 00:04:26,105 Spank me. Spank me! 94 00:04:26,107 --> 00:04:27,998 Oh, don't be silly, Woodrow. 95 00:04:27,999 --> 00:04:31,744 - We'll just call that strike one. - Oh, okay. 96 00:04:31,746 --> 00:04:34,831 - Malloy, forget you saw that. - Oh, I wish I could. 97 00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:39,001 And you must be my cute little grandcubby. 98 00:04:39,003 --> 00:04:40,203 I am, gam-gam. 99 00:04:40,205 --> 00:04:42,622 Oh, I can't wait to spoil you to death. 100 00:04:42,624 --> 00:04:44,040 See, Woody? 101 00:04:44,042 --> 00:04:46,876 Grandma's not a horrible [bleep] like you said. 102 00:04:46,878 --> 00:04:49,128 Ah! My little comedian. 103 00:04:49,130 --> 00:04:51,264 Don't listen to him, Mommy. I love having you here. 104 00:04:51,266 --> 00:04:52,598 Oh, good, 105 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,634 because I was thrown out of the nursing home. 106 00:04:54,636 --> 00:04:56,802 Apparently when your roommate cheats at bingo, 107 00:04:56,804 --> 00:04:58,888 you're not allowed to cut her feeding tube. 108 00:04:58,890 --> 00:05:01,774 So I'm moving here forever. 109 00:05:01,776 --> 00:05:04,694 - What? - Yay! You can have Woody's room. 110 00:05:04,696 --> 00:05:07,396 - Wonderful. - You know, you ought to make Woody 111 00:05:07,398 --> 00:05:08,898 one of those "don't touch your pecker" sweaters 112 00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:12,703 for every day of the week. He's got a problem. 113 00:05:22,380 --> 00:05:25,131 Would you like to solve the puzzle? 114 00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:30,970 Tuh-hee caht... eyen... tuh-hee hawt. 115 00:05:30,972 --> 00:05:31,921 Next. 116 00:05:31,923 --> 00:05:34,640 Okay. Give the wheel a spin. 117 00:05:36,427 --> 00:05:38,311 - Oh, [bleep] this. - Next. 118 00:05:38,313 --> 00:05:40,062 Tell us a little something about you. 119 00:05:40,064 --> 00:05:42,598 My name's Connie, and if I ever met Pat Sajak, 120 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,434 - I'd probably crap myself. - Uh-huh. 121 00:05:45,436 --> 00:05:46,819 Good job, Connie. 122 00:05:46,821 --> 00:05:48,938 Okay, Connie. This first one is a phrase... 123 00:05:48,940 --> 00:05:52,024 I'd like to solve the puzzle. "a partridge in a pear tree." 124 00:05:52,026 --> 00:05:54,944 Oh, my god. That's amazing. 125 00:05:54,946 --> 00:05:56,445 Looks like we filled our last slot. 126 00:05:57,448 --> 00:05:58,831 Very impressive. 127 00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:01,834 P-P-Pat Sajak? 128 00:06:03,788 --> 00:06:06,422 Uh-oh. 129 00:06:10,845 --> 00:06:13,346 And this is his first day of kindergarten. 130 00:06:13,348 --> 00:06:15,965 I think we all know what bus he was riding. 131 00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:18,851 I had to come to school six times that day. 132 00:06:18,853 --> 00:06:20,436 Because he missed his Mommy? 133 00:06:20,438 --> 00:06:23,139 No, because he refused to consume anything 134 00:06:23,141 --> 00:06:25,641 but my breast milk until he was 17. 135 00:06:25,643 --> 00:06:27,610 Mmm. 136 00:06:27,612 --> 00:06:28,978 You made me do that! 137 00:06:28,980 --> 00:06:31,480 You said solid food would give me polio. 138 00:06:31,482 --> 00:06:35,484 - What's that, Woodrow? - Uh, Mommy milk is nummy yummy. 139 00:06:35,486 --> 00:06:39,989 Damn, who's the kinky hottie with the wrinkly body? 140 00:06:39,991 --> 00:06:42,658 Oh, no. Oh, no, no. No, you don't. No way. 141 00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:46,045 - Call me Denzel. - Oh, my. 142 00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:49,548 Well, aren't you just the sweetest young man? 143 00:06:49,550 --> 00:06:50,967 Anita Johnson. 144 00:06:50,969 --> 00:06:53,135 Good, 'cause you about to get a big one. 145 00:06:53,137 --> 00:06:56,222 - You certainly come on strong. - Oh, I come on a lot of things. 146 00:06:56,224 --> 00:06:59,531 - Want me to show you? - All right, Denzel. Get out of here! 147 00:07:01,512 --> 00:07:04,146 Oh, my baby's upset. 148 00:07:04,148 --> 00:07:06,565 Maybe he needs some of Mommy's nummy yummy. 149 00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:07,933 Great idea, Malloy. 150 00:07:07,935 --> 00:07:10,319 Oh, no, no, no! I had a big breakfast. 151 00:07:10,321 --> 00:07:12,321 Suck it, Woodrow. 152 00:07:14,381 --> 00:07:17,477 Milk's gone bad. 153 00:07:18,091 --> 00:07:20,529 So, uh, what time should I be here for the taping? 154 00:07:20,531 --> 00:07:23,424 Connie, the insurance adjuster is telling us the smartest 155 00:07:23,425 --> 00:07:25,868 thing to do would be to set fire to this building. 156 00:07:25,870 --> 00:07:27,420 Even the soil on which this building stands 157 00:07:27,422 --> 00:07:30,039 has been rendered barren for generations to come. 158 00:07:30,041 --> 00:07:32,041 So short answer, there will be no taping. 159 00:07:32,043 --> 00:07:33,709 Not for you, not ever, please go. 160 00:07:33,711 --> 00:07:37,263 No! I can't go! This is my dream! 161 00:07:37,265 --> 00:07:39,548 We got a spinner. Tranq her and yank her. 162 00:07:39,550 --> 00:07:41,217 Oh! 163 00:07:44,555 --> 00:07:45,888 Mommy, listen. 164 00:07:45,890 --> 00:07:49,308 You got to stay away from this Denzel guy. He's trouble. 165 00:07:49,310 --> 00:07:51,310 Trust me, he eats old ladies for breakfast. 166 00:07:51,312 --> 00:07:53,896 Oh, you don't need to tell me, son. 167 00:07:53,898 --> 00:07:55,448 He's doing that to me right now. 168 00:07:55,450 --> 00:07:57,566 'Sup, Woody? 169 00:07:57,568 --> 00:07:59,902 You son of a bitch! I'll kill you! 170 00:07:59,904 --> 00:08:03,239 Woody, stop. That's no way to treat your father. 171 00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:05,908 - My father? - Oh, you didn't hear? 172 00:08:05,910 --> 00:08:07,243 We got married. 173 00:08:07,245 --> 00:08:10,246 I'm your daddy. 174 00:08:13,512 --> 00:08:15,078 Good morning, son. 175 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,880 I hope all that screaming your mama did last night 176 00:08:16,882 --> 00:08:18,081 didn't keep you up. 177 00:08:18,083 --> 00:08:20,217 - I didn't notice. - Really? 178 00:08:20,219 --> 00:08:21,985 Well, how about the sound of my balls 179 00:08:21,987 --> 00:08:25,222 slapping against her big old ass? You had to hear that. 180 00:08:25,224 --> 00:08:27,357 Bap! Bap! Bap! Bap! Bap! Bap! Bap! 181 00:08:27,359 --> 00:08:29,076 I know what you're doing. 182 00:08:29,078 --> 00:08:31,328 You're just getting back at me for the whole slave thing, 183 00:08:31,330 --> 00:08:35,198 - but you have gone too far, Denzel. - Please, call me daddy. 184 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,666 I'll call you a son of a bit... 185 00:08:36,668 --> 00:08:39,503 bestest daddy in the whole wide world. 186 00:08:39,505 --> 00:08:42,122 - Good morning, boys. - Morning, baby. 187 00:08:42,124 --> 00:08:43,540 I'm surprised you can walk straight. 188 00:08:43,542 --> 00:08:44,708 Oh! 189 00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:47,210 Hey, boy, run into the kitchen and grab your daddy a beer. 190 00:08:47,212 --> 00:08:48,845 You are not the boss of me! 191 00:08:48,847 --> 00:08:50,964 Woodrow, Denzel is your father now, 192 00:08:50,966 --> 00:08:52,382 and you're going to do what he says. 193 00:08:52,384 --> 00:08:56,970 - Understand? - But... Yes, Mommy. 194 00:08:56,972 --> 00:09:01,391 Ha ha! Me and you, we're gonna have a lot of fun, son. 195 00:09:17,743 --> 00:09:20,243 Hi, Pat. 196 00:09:25,250 --> 00:09:27,551 Where am I? 197 00:09:27,553 --> 00:09:30,837 - Help. Someone help me! - Relax, Pat. 198 00:09:30,839 --> 00:09:33,089 We're going to be best friends. 199 00:09:33,091 --> 00:09:36,927 You? You're the shit woman. What do you want? 200 00:09:36,929 --> 00:09:40,263 Ahh. It feels as perfect as it looks. 201 00:09:40,265 --> 00:09:42,149 Get away from me, you crazy stalker. 202 00:09:42,151 --> 00:09:45,402 I'm not a crazy stalker. 203 00:09:45,404 --> 00:09:46,987 Just ask Back-Pat. 204 00:09:46,989 --> 00:09:50,106 Well, hello there, Pat. I'm Back-Pat. 205 00:09:50,108 --> 00:09:52,609 Look, I'm not sure what you want from me, but... 206 00:09:52,611 --> 00:09:55,829 - Say hello back, Pat. - I'm confused. 207 00:09:55,831 --> 00:09:57,914 Are you telling Back-Pat to say hello again, 208 00:09:57,916 --> 00:10:00,617 or do you want me to say hello back to Back-Pat? 209 00:10:00,619 --> 00:10:02,335 Don't [bleep] with me, Sajak. 210 00:10:02,337 --> 00:10:04,788 Just because I love you and your smooth botoxed skin 211 00:10:04,790 --> 00:10:08,008 doesn't mean I won't snap your goddamn spine! 212 00:10:08,010 --> 00:10:10,961 Be careful. I think she's crazy. 213 00:10:12,014 --> 00:10:13,129 Hey! What are you doing? 214 00:10:13,131 --> 00:10:15,799 - I'm watching the hockey game. - Shut your ass up! 215 00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:18,602 Man, white people. You know what I'm saying? 216 00:10:21,773 --> 00:10:23,974 - What's so goddamn funny? - Quiet, boy. 217 00:10:23,976 --> 00:10:28,061 Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people! 218 00:10:30,649 --> 00:10:34,451 - I did not see that coming. - I can't take this crap! 219 00:10:34,453 --> 00:10:37,320 - I'm sick of your bullshit! - Stop it! 220 00:10:37,322 --> 00:10:39,456 Like it or not, we are a family now. 221 00:10:39,458 --> 00:10:42,959 You two need to spend the day together like father and son. 222 00:10:42,961 --> 00:10:45,328 - But, Mommy... - Oh, Anita, I don't want to. 223 00:10:45,330 --> 00:10:46,663 No arguments! 224 00:10:46,665 --> 00:10:48,048 Yes, ma'am. 225 00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:50,217 Oh, what's the matter, Malloy? 226 00:10:50,219 --> 00:10:52,669 Daddy and grandpa Denzel were fighting. 227 00:10:52,671 --> 00:10:56,339 - I'm scared, gam-gam. - Oh, you poor little bear. 228 00:10:56,341 --> 00:10:59,926 Here, I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer. 229 00:10:59,928 --> 00:11:02,345 White people. You know what I'm saying. 230 00:11:05,183 --> 00:11:07,017 One for me and one for Pat 231 00:11:07,019 --> 00:11:10,520 - and four for me and one for Pat. - Connie, what are you doing? 232 00:11:10,522 --> 00:11:12,439 You're taking enough food for ten people. 233 00:11:12,441 --> 00:11:15,358 Yeah. You usually only take enough for nine. 234 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,194 Um, there's a good re... uh, a good explana... 235 00:11:20,532 --> 00:11:24,334 Day two in the mysterious disappearance of television icon Pat Sajak. 236 00:11:24,336 --> 00:11:26,620 Last seen at his hotel, witnesses report seeing 237 00:11:26,622 --> 00:11:30,206 some sort of giant orange sea cow in the vicinity. 238 00:11:30,208 --> 00:11:33,209 Connie's hoarding food, and Pat Sajak is missing? 239 00:11:33,211 --> 00:11:36,179 Steve, are you doing the math on this? 240 00:11:36,181 --> 00:11:38,882 Yes. 241 00:11:38,884 --> 00:11:40,383 Boobies! 242 00:11:43,188 --> 00:11:44,604 It is kind of nice out here. 243 00:11:44,606 --> 00:11:46,856 I'm only here because Mommy's making me. 244 00:11:46,858 --> 00:11:49,059 You are on my everlasting shit list! 245 00:11:49,061 --> 00:11:53,029 Okay, look, I was a little hard on you, but I'd say we're even now. 246 00:11:53,031 --> 00:11:55,899 - Plus, I really do like your mama. - Whatever. 247 00:11:55,901 --> 00:11:58,785 Oh, damn it. I don't know how to bait this hook. 248 00:11:58,787 --> 00:12:01,488 Here you go. Didn't your dad ever take you fishing? 249 00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:03,740 Only once, and it took that hooker all night 250 00:12:03,742 --> 00:12:06,710 to get her fists deep up my... Oh, "fishing." 251 00:12:06,712 --> 00:12:09,020 No, he didn't. 252 00:12:09,748 --> 00:12:12,882 - Oh, I got one. I got one! - Oh, get him! Reel him in! 253 00:12:12,884 --> 00:12:15,302 I got him. 254 00:12:15,304 --> 00:12:16,303 We got him. 255 00:12:16,305 --> 00:12:19,055 Good job, son. This a nice fish. 256 00:12:19,057 --> 00:12:21,975 - He bit me. - Man, [bleep] that fish. 257 00:12:21,977 --> 00:12:26,062 Whoo! 258 00:12:29,685 --> 00:12:31,768 Ouch! My leg! 259 00:12:37,442 --> 00:12:40,327 You goddamn... 260 00:12:43,817 --> 00:12:46,200 Oh, my god. I knew it. 261 00:12:46,202 --> 00:12:48,953 She killed Pat Sajak and chopped him up. 262 00:12:48,955 --> 00:12:51,322 I'm not seeing that. 263 00:12:55,045 --> 00:12:57,495 Oh, my god. Ethel's dead! 264 00:12:57,497 --> 00:13:00,081 - Then who the hell are you? - I'm Ethel. 265 00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:03,584 Then if you're Ethel, I must be... Pat Sajak! 266 00:13:03,586 --> 00:13:06,054 So this is a mask! 267 00:13:06,056 --> 00:13:08,506 It's stuck on there pretty good. 268 00:13:08,508 --> 00:13:11,509 Okay, maybe this knife will help. 269 00:13:11,511 --> 00:13:13,177 Oh, yeah. 270 00:13:13,179 --> 00:13:16,931 Okay, it's working! It's working! 271 00:13:16,933 --> 00:13:21,018 I'm not Pat Sajak! I'm a skeleton! 272 00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:26,190 White people, now I get it! 273 00:13:28,528 --> 00:13:29,660 Oh. 274 00:13:29,662 --> 00:13:31,028 Hey, uh, everything cool, Woody? 275 00:13:31,030 --> 00:13:34,332 Yeah. It's just... well, they're having a father-son picnic 276 00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:36,451 this weekend, and it makes me sad. 277 00:13:36,453 --> 00:13:38,336 That they have to advertise these things in bars? 278 00:13:38,338 --> 00:13:41,205 No, because my dad promised to take me to one once, 279 00:13:41,207 --> 00:13:42,373 but he never showed. 280 00:13:42,375 --> 00:13:46,177 - If only I'd dusted that [bleep] plant. - Hey, you know what? 281 00:13:46,179 --> 00:13:47,879 I'll take you to the father-son picnic. 282 00:13:47,881 --> 00:13:51,849 - You'd really do that for me? - I still want to buy your slave. 283 00:13:51,851 --> 00:13:54,385 - Him. - He's not a slave! 284 00:13:54,387 --> 00:13:57,138 - He's my father. - Ooh! 285 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,861 Uh-oh. It's 9:30. Mommy told me to be home at 9:00. 286 00:14:03,863 --> 00:14:06,531 Don't worry about your mama. This is father-and-son time. 287 00:14:06,533 --> 00:14:09,233 Now let's bash this mother[bleep]'s skull in 288 00:14:09,235 --> 00:14:11,953 - together. - Father-son time! 289 00:14:11,955 --> 00:14:14,489 - Father-son time! - Yeah. 290 00:14:14,491 --> 00:14:16,707 Shh. My mom's a sheep. 291 00:14:16,709 --> 00:14:19,076 Did I say "sheep"? I meant to say "asleep." 292 00:14:19,078 --> 00:14:21,579 Woodrow, you missed your curfew. 293 00:14:21,581 --> 00:14:25,216 - What am I going to do with you? - Hmm. I got an idea. 294 00:14:31,974 --> 00:14:34,608 Oh, Pat, have I got a surprise for you. 295 00:14:34,610 --> 00:14:36,510 Please don't tell me there's a Front Pat. 296 00:14:38,347 --> 00:14:40,397 What do you think? 297 00:14:40,399 --> 00:14:43,016 Now you can live the game with me forever. 298 00:14:43,018 --> 00:14:47,187 Wheel... of... fortune! 299 00:14:47,189 --> 00:14:50,023 Oh, my god! Connie kidnapped an oompa loompa! 300 00:14:50,025 --> 00:14:53,160 - That's Pat Sajak, you idiot. - Right. 301 00:14:53,162 --> 00:14:55,195 Oompa loompas aren't that short and orange. 302 00:14:55,197 --> 00:14:58,615 - I'm calling the cops. - If you do that, Pat Sajak will die. 303 00:14:58,617 --> 00:15:00,834 Your friend Connie has snapped. 304 00:15:00,836 --> 00:15:04,337 If you want to save his life, you will do as I say. 305 00:15:04,339 --> 00:15:06,873 - Who are you? - Name's Buzz Buzzer. 306 00:15:06,875 --> 00:15:09,676 I'm a professional game show "host-age" negotiator. 307 00:15:09,678 --> 00:15:12,712 How often are popular game show hosts held hostage? 308 00:15:12,714 --> 00:15:16,016 More than you think. 2012, Family feud. 309 00:15:16,018 --> 00:15:19,302 You think Richard Dawson died of natural causes? 310 00:15:20,305 --> 00:15:25,058 2006, Press your luck. You think Peter Tomarken retired? 311 00:15:26,728 --> 00:15:30,363 Dick Clark was kidnapped and killed on seven separate occasions. 312 00:15:30,365 --> 00:15:32,282 We had to keep tracking down look-alikes. 313 00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:35,735 By the time he had the stroke, we were on our tenth dick. 314 00:15:35,737 --> 00:15:37,654 Sounds like Ethel on a slow weekend. 315 00:15:37,656 --> 00:15:39,573 Gam-gam bought me this, by the way. 316 00:15:39,575 --> 00:15:41,118 See you later, assholes. 317 00:15:44,296 --> 00:15:45,996 Damn, Woody. 318 00:15:45,998 --> 00:15:47,547 That woman's never going to stop treating you like a child 319 00:15:47,549 --> 00:15:48,882 unless you stand up for yourself. 320 00:15:48,884 --> 00:15:50,750 Be a man. I raised you better than that. 321 00:15:50,752 --> 00:15:53,053 You know what, dad? You're right. 322 00:15:53,055 --> 00:15:56,056 It is time for me to stand up for myself. 323 00:15:57,142 --> 00:15:59,593 Those [bleep] birds ate my hamstrings. 324 00:15:59,595 --> 00:16:03,263 Once you're in, just act like contestants and play the game. 325 00:16:03,265 --> 00:16:05,732 When Connie wins, the euphoria will distract her. 326 00:16:05,734 --> 00:16:08,318 Then you grab Sajak and get out. 327 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,403 If the crimson beast loses, 328 00:16:10,405 --> 00:16:14,488 wah-woh! Game over. 329 00:16:14,610 --> 00:16:17,110 Anita, your son has something to say to you. 330 00:16:17,112 --> 00:16:18,662 What is it? 331 00:16:18,664 --> 00:16:21,114 Uh, you are the prettiest Mommy in the whole world. 332 00:16:21,116 --> 00:16:23,250 - Bye. - Woody, tell her. 333 00:16:23,252 --> 00:16:24,534 All right, all right. 334 00:16:24,536 --> 00:16:27,537 Uh, Mommy, when you let africanized bees 335 00:16:27,539 --> 00:16:31,374 bloodthirsty crows attack me, it's not nice, and I... 336 00:16:31,376 --> 00:16:35,929 - I don't want you to do that anymore. - Oh, I had no idea. 337 00:16:35,931 --> 00:16:37,714 Would it make you feel any better 338 00:16:37,716 --> 00:16:40,717 if I whipped you with a rusty bicycle chain?! 339 00:16:40,719 --> 00:16:42,352 Oh, Jesus Christ! 340 00:16:42,354 --> 00:16:44,971 And you! You put him up to this. 341 00:16:44,973 --> 00:16:47,607 You're a bad influence on my son. 342 00:16:47,609 --> 00:16:49,309 Don't you talk that way to me, woman. 343 00:16:50,979 --> 00:16:54,493 Bitch, you think you're the only one with a bicycle chain? 344 00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:58,485 - I'd like to buy an E. - You don't really expect me 345 00:16:58,487 --> 00:17:00,320 to play along with this insanity, do you? 346 00:17:00,322 --> 00:17:03,073 Yeah. Unless you want me to cut off your face 347 00:17:03,075 --> 00:17:06,293 - and feed it to Back-Pat. - Do we have any Es? 348 00:17:06,295 --> 00:17:08,578 Steve? Ethel? 349 00:17:08,580 --> 00:17:10,664 What are you doing on Wheel of fortune? 350 00:17:10,666 --> 00:17:12,916 We're here to play the game, Connie. 351 00:17:12,918 --> 00:17:15,752 Yay! Sorry, Gary. Sorry, Charlene. 352 00:17:15,754 --> 00:17:17,837 Your time is up. Thanks for playing. 353 00:17:17,839 --> 00:17:20,507 Goddamn mother[bleep]! 354 00:17:20,509 --> 00:17:23,260 Help me, please! I'm too rich and important to die. 355 00:17:23,262 --> 00:17:26,132 - I'm Pat [bleep] Sajak. - Shhh. 356 00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:30,734 $5,000? Crap. 357 00:17:30,736 --> 00:17:33,770 Remember, Steve, you gotta lose. Guess the letter Q. 358 00:17:33,772 --> 00:17:37,607 That's a terrible idea. I bet this puzzle's full of Qs. 359 00:17:37,609 --> 00:17:41,444 - Is there an S? - There are five Ses. 360 00:17:41,446 --> 00:17:43,196 Huh. What are the odds of that? 361 00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:46,616 She's going to murder you all. 362 00:17:48,036 --> 00:17:49,536 - Don't touch me with that! - Ow! 363 00:17:49,538 --> 00:17:52,172 Stop it! Hey! 364 00:17:52,174 --> 00:17:54,090 Woodrow, there's something we have to tell you. 365 00:17:54,092 --> 00:17:56,876 Son, your mama and I are getting a divorce. 366 00:17:56,878 --> 00:18:00,711 - Oh, no! It's my fault. - Oh, it's not your fault. 367 00:18:00,733 --> 00:18:04,711 The divorce fairy came... Of course it's your fault! 368 00:18:04,745 --> 00:18:07,334 Oh, no! I did it again! 369 00:18:07,425 --> 00:18:09,892 Maybe I wasn't meant to have a daddy. 370 00:18:09,894 --> 00:18:12,595 Aw, don't listen to her. This ain't your fault. 371 00:18:12,597 --> 00:18:15,264 You're a good boy, Woody. You just got a crazy-ass mama. 372 00:18:15,266 --> 00:18:19,068 Well, we can still go to the father-son picnic, right? 373 00:18:19,070 --> 00:18:22,405 Not if we're not father and son. Them's the rules. 374 00:18:22,407 --> 00:18:25,274 There's only one thing that's going to end this pain. 375 00:18:30,165 --> 00:18:32,365 Steve, what are you doing? 376 00:18:32,367 --> 00:18:34,367 You're supposed to lose, you dipshit. 377 00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:35,785 I'm trying to lose. 378 00:18:35,787 --> 00:18:37,503 Would you like to solve the puzzle, Steve? 379 00:18:37,505 --> 00:18:38,838 Steve, don't even answer. 380 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:42,508 - Get off my ballsack, Ethel. - That's correct. 381 00:18:42,510 --> 00:18:44,344 The category was "things that Fred Mertz 382 00:18:44,346 --> 00:18:46,179 should have said on I Love Lucy." 383 00:18:46,181 --> 00:18:49,932 - And Steve is the winner. - Connie's not supposed to lose! 384 00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:52,552 Connie smash! 385 00:18:55,473 --> 00:19:00,059 Help! I'm being crushed by a 350-pound monster. 386 00:19:00,061 --> 00:19:02,088 That's correct. The category was 387 00:19:02,185 --> 00:19:04,647 "things Rebel Wilson's couch might say." 388 00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,128 Oh, I can't believe I let myself fall 389 00:19:10,130 --> 00:19:13,365 under the voodoo spell of that black man's dick. 390 00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:16,134 You know all the money I took out of your underwear drawer? 391 00:19:16,136 --> 00:19:19,938 I think he stole some of that out of my purse... typical. 392 00:19:19,940 --> 00:19:22,774 Don't you ever talk that way about him. 393 00:19:22,776 --> 00:19:25,777 Uh-oh. Does somebody need a spanking? 394 00:19:25,779 --> 00:19:28,163 Screw your spankings! Denzel's right. 395 00:19:28,165 --> 00:19:29,998 I am done being pushed around by you. 396 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,201 I'm not the reason daddy left. You are! 397 00:19:33,203 --> 00:19:35,036 What are you saying, Woody? 398 00:19:35,038 --> 00:19:36,921 Sorry, Mommy. That was a little harsh. 399 00:19:36,923 --> 00:19:38,923 I guess what I really meant to say is: 400 00:19:38,925 --> 00:19:42,344 - Get the [bleep] out! [thud] - No, gam-gam, don't go. 401 00:19:42,346 --> 00:19:46,047 I ne... I need more presents. I m... I mean I love you. 402 00:19:46,049 --> 00:19:47,716 I don't have any more money, Malloy. 403 00:19:47,718 --> 00:19:50,268 Choke on my balls. 404 00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:55,390 You bastard. 405 00:19:55,392 --> 00:19:57,392 You made me love you and your godlike knowledge 406 00:19:57,394 --> 00:19:59,944 of the alphabet, and then you made me lose. 407 00:19:59,946 --> 00:20:01,479 Now you must die, Pat! 408 00:20:04,818 --> 00:20:06,868 I am not losing another one. 409 00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:09,954 I'll hold her off! Save Sajak! 410 00:20:12,376 --> 00:20:15,543 Bah... bah... bur... brr... 411 00:20:15,545 --> 00:20:17,045 Give me back my Pat! 412 00:20:17,047 --> 00:20:20,915 Wait, why are we risking our lives for Pat Sajak? 413 00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:23,020 Please don't hurt me. I'll do anything. 414 00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:24,588 Anything? 415 00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:29,695 - And please welcome my lovely cohost. - Hi, Pat. 416 00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:37,901 - Daddy, who's that man? - Looks like a pedophile, son. 417 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:42,206 - Hey, he's no pedophile. He's my son. - Denzel, you came! 418 00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:46,310 Shh, now let's crush these five-year-old skulls... together. 419 00:20:46,362 --> 00:20:47,962 ♪ Teamwork ♪ 420 00:20:47,964 --> 00:20:52,366 ♪ you know we're going to do it together ♪ 421 00:20:52,368 --> 00:20:54,068 Yeah! 422 00:20:54,070 --> 00:20:55,936 ♪ teamwork ♪ 423 00:20:55,938 --> 00:20:59,773 ♪ we'll make it forever ♪ 424 00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:01,220 ♪ yeah ♪ 425 00:21:01,831 --> 00:21:04,675 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~