1
00:00:00,595 --> 00:00:04,427
I can be uptight when it comes to...
what's it called... the human body.
2
00:00:04,429 --> 00:00:06,373
I was once getting a massage,
3
00:00:06,375 --> 00:00:09,677
and the masseuse told me
to undress to my comfort level.
4
00:00:09,679 --> 00:00:11,154
Those were her words.
5
00:00:11,156 --> 00:00:13,755
She said, "undress to your comfort level."
6
00:00:13,757 --> 00:00:16,492
So I put on a sweater
and a pair of corduroy pants,
7
00:00:17,195 --> 00:00:19,187
and I felt safe.
8
00:00:19,189 --> 00:00:23,549
It's weird what bodily functions
are polite to talk about,
9
00:00:23,551 --> 00:00:26,919
because every human being eats
and goes to the bathroom
10
00:00:26,921 --> 00:00:30,029
and has sex, right, but of those three,
11
00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:33,396
only eating is acceptable
to talk about in polite society,
12
00:00:33,398 --> 00:00:35,138
and if you talk about the other two
13
00:00:35,140 --> 00:00:37,462
while someone is eating,
they'll reprimand you.
14
00:00:37,464 --> 00:00:39,927
They'll be like, "hey, we're eating here."
15
00:00:39,929 --> 00:00:42,460
That never works the other way around.
16
00:00:44,636 --> 00:00:47,474
No one's ever like,
"for our specials tonight,
17
00:00:47,476 --> 00:00:51,443
we have tortellini with marinara sauce,"
and you're like, "do you mind?
18
00:00:51,445 --> 00:00:54,529
I am trying to masturbate."
19
00:00:55,591 --> 00:00:58,476
Mulaney: S01xE02
The Doula
20
00:01:03,593 --> 00:01:07,460
sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
21
00:01:10,484 --> 00:01:14,544
Mulaney is filmed
in front of a live studio audience, okay?
22
00:01:14,546 --> 00:01:16,630
It's gonna be 90 degrees today.
23
00:01:16,632 --> 00:01:18,974
I walked three blocks
on my date last night,
24
00:01:18,976 --> 00:01:20,990
and I was sweating
like a good Southern lawyer
25
00:01:20,992 --> 00:01:22,873
arguing for the freedom of a poor man.
26
00:01:23,780 --> 00:01:25,388
Ugh. It's so hot.
27
00:01:25,390 --> 00:01:26,787
Motif, did you fix it?
28
00:01:26,789 --> 00:01:28,645
I'm on the phone with the store about it.
29
00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:32,654
Hello? If I have
a 1977 Delorean air conditioner
30
00:01:32,656 --> 00:01:35,149
with no warranty
and I'm not the original owner,
31
00:01:35,151 --> 00:01:37,152
can I exchange that for a new one?
32
00:01:38,756 --> 00:01:40,888
Hey, so you went out again
with the Doula, right?
33
00:01:40,890 --> 00:01:42,615
- How was it?
- It was really fun.
34
00:01:42,617 --> 00:01:45,703
I like the Doula a lot.
I also like saying "Doula."
35
00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:48,115
What's a Doula again?
36
00:01:48,117 --> 00:01:51,380
A Doula provides women with
physical and emotional support
37
00:01:51,382 --> 00:01:53,318
before, during, and after labor.
38
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,210
It's like paying someone to be your mom.
39
00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:57,539
I thought that was a midwife.
40
00:01:57,541 --> 00:02:00,099
No, no, no, Doulas are not
medical professionals.
41
00:02:00,101 --> 00:02:03,201
Midwives have to go through
nursing courses in midwifery.
42
00:02:04,710 --> 00:02:07,817
"Midwifery," that's a fun word to say.
43
00:02:07,819 --> 00:02:10,421
Sounds like a ugly girl on downton ab.
44
00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,721
Well, I'm glad you like the Doula
45
00:02:13,723 --> 00:02:15,888
- and that you respect her work.
- I do.
46
00:02:15,890 --> 00:02:20,179
I mean, I kind of change the subject
when we get into the Nitty Gritty.
47
00:02:20,585 --> 00:02:22,230
"The Nitty Gritty"?
48
00:02:22,232 --> 00:02:24,046
You know, the actual details of...
49
00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:27,435
A woman bringing life into the world?
50
00:02:27,437 --> 00:02:29,216
Yeah. What?
51
00:02:29,218 --> 00:02:32,340
Hearing about childbirth can make
me really dizzy. I can even faint.
52
00:02:32,342 --> 00:02:34,130
It all started in the seventh grade
53
00:02:34,132 --> 00:02:36,255
when we watched
The Miracle of Life video.
54
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,746
All those 1980s actors
55
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:40,638
with their sperm
and their fallopian tubes.
56
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:41,982
I was out.
57
00:02:41,984 --> 00:02:43,686
When I came to, I was lying on the floor,
58
00:02:43,688 --> 00:02:45,833
looking up at a poster of Levar Burton
59
00:02:45,835 --> 00:02:47,078
that said, "read."
60
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:49,833
You're afraid of vaginas.
61
00:02:49,835 --> 00:02:53,295
I am not. I think they're great.
62
00:02:53,297 --> 00:02:55,996
I feel about vaginas
the way I do about America.
63
00:02:55,998 --> 00:02:59,265
I love it, but every once in a while,
it does things that disgust me.
64
00:03:03,538 --> 00:03:05,833
And penis are like North Korea:
65
00:03:05,835 --> 00:03:07,843
Hilarious, yet worrisome.
66
00:03:11,630 --> 00:03:15,258
And now, let's move on
to round two: Cash grab.
67
00:03:17,519 --> 00:03:21,115
Where our contestants shout out
the number of dollars they want.
68
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:23,924
But first, let's meet and greet, shall we?
69
00:03:31,046 --> 00:03:32,708
What's your name, darling?
70
00:03:32,710 --> 00:03:34,902
I'm Melanie Moore. I'm from Plano, Texas.
71
00:03:34,904 --> 00:03:36,935
Ah. You don't look "Plano."
72
00:03:36,937 --> 00:03:39,224
You should be from "Cute-o," Texas.
73
00:03:43,845 --> 00:03:45,312
You're very beautiful.
74
00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:48,874
I like your face and your body.
75
00:03:52,656 --> 00:03:54,052
Hey, Mary Jo.
76
00:03:54,054 --> 00:03:56,201
This show has a real problem.
77
00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,380
Oh, yeah. I mean, I know
I haven't worked here for long,
78
00:03:58,382 --> 00:04:00,443
but the game makes no sense, right?
79
00:04:00,445 --> 00:04:03,130
Like, why even bother
answering questions in round one
80
00:04:03,132 --> 00:04:05,098
if you can just demand
money in "cash grab"?
81
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:07,990
No, not that. The game is fine.
82
00:04:07,992 --> 00:04:10,349
I was stage manager on Family Feud.
83
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:13,572
You try working on that
nightly race war for five years.
84
00:04:14,203 --> 00:04:16,333
I mean we have a Lou problem.
85
00:04:16,335 --> 00:04:18,744
He's getting too flirty
with the women, it's not good.
86
00:04:18,746 --> 00:04:21,313
Kathy, Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.
87
00:04:21,315 --> 00:04:23,817
Mmm, I love how your makeup smells.
88
00:04:25,351 --> 00:04:28,420
Hey, your mom's in the audience I'm told.
89
00:04:28,454 --> 00:04:30,355
What fun. Hey, mom?
90
00:04:30,390 --> 00:04:32,224
Stand up and take a bow, won't you?
91
00:04:33,726 --> 00:04:36,061
Just turn around, and...
92
00:04:36,095 --> 00:04:38,297
Touch your toes a little.
93
00:04:38,331 --> 00:04:39,831
What is going on with him?
94
00:04:39,833 --> 00:04:42,326
Well, he broke up with his
girlfriend a couple weeks ago.
95
00:04:42,328 --> 00:04:44,451
Maybe he's a little,
you know, unfulfilled.
96
00:04:44,453 --> 00:04:47,906
I haven't seen anyone that horny
since me at a Rush Concert.
97
00:04:48,783 --> 00:04:50,641
Women on the crew don't like it.
98
00:04:50,643 --> 00:04:53,216
It's stuff like this
that brought down Clinton.
99
00:04:53,218 --> 00:04:54,946
Cut to eight years of republicans,
100
00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:56,679
and I end up in Kabul.
101
00:04:57,349 --> 00:04:58,755
You were in the marines?
102
00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,097
- Yes, I was.
- Thank you for your service.
103
00:05:01,099 --> 00:05:03,828
No problem.
Just get Lou cranked off, okay?
104
00:05:04,455 --> 00:05:07,287
Take him out for a beer,
throw your arm around him
105
00:05:07,289 --> 00:05:09,160
and say, "you need to get laid."
106
00:05:09,194 --> 00:05:12,513
No, Lou and I do not have
that kind of relationship yet,
107
00:05:12,515 --> 00:05:14,562
so I'm gonna need another solution.
108
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:18,474
Sometimes on a show, we'll hire a girl
and call her "creative producer."
109
00:05:18,476 --> 00:05:22,257
It's a joke title for some skinny bitch
the host has sex with.
110
00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:26,406
That's my title.
I'm the creative producer.
111
00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:38,482
I know you were nervous about me
coming to see your stand-up show
112
00:05:38,484 --> 00:05:41,115
- but you were so funny.
- Thank you.
113
00:05:41,117 --> 00:05:42,466
And don't listen to that one lady.
114
00:05:42,468 --> 00:05:44,943
You're not "white, uptight,
and wack as hell."
115
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,966
Oh, it's fine. I've heard that before.
116
00:05:47,968 --> 00:05:49,648
Those exact words, in fact.
117
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,060
I needed a laugh too.
118
00:05:52,062 --> 00:05:55,349
I doula-ed a really intense
home birth today.
119
00:05:55,351 --> 00:05:57,779
And I would love to hear about it,
120
00:05:57,781 --> 00:06:00,743
but I'm sure you can't violate
patient-doula privilege.
121
00:06:00,745 --> 00:06:02,444
Oh, no, that's not a thing.
122
00:06:02,837 --> 00:06:04,958
I'm free to describe what happened.
123
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,763
It makes me really happy
that we can talk about my job.
124
00:06:07,765 --> 00:06:10,591
Yeah. No... yeah, I respect your work.
125
00:06:10,593 --> 00:06:13,296
And you did listen
to my "Sinbad was rude" story.
126
00:06:13,298 --> 00:06:15,723
That was pretty graphic.
127
00:06:15,725 --> 00:06:18,771
Anyway, we knew going in
that her hips and birth canal
128
00:06:18,773 --> 00:06:22,365
were really narrow,
and we knew the baby was huge.
129
00:06:22,367 --> 00:06:25,708
The baby was huge.
Dilated 10 centimeters.
130
00:06:25,710 --> 00:06:29,373
Dilated 10 centimeters.
Dilated 10 centimeters.
131
00:06:29,375 --> 00:06:31,630
Heavy, bloody show.
132
00:06:31,632 --> 00:06:35,610
Heavy, bloody show.
Heavy, bloody show.
133
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:37,021
Fully crowning.
134
00:06:37,023 --> 00:06:39,763
Fully crowning, fully crowning,
135
00:06:39,765 --> 00:06:41,750
fully crowning.
136
00:06:41,752 --> 00:06:44,888
Have you read about these politics?
137
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,962
We got one minute break and
then another 3 hours of taping.
138
00:06:52,964 --> 00:06:54,898
You stay in your seats!
139
00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:58,201
So then I just went to the bathroom
140
00:06:58,203 --> 00:06:59,569
and laid on the floor.
141
00:06:59,571 --> 00:07:01,537
Man, it is hard to date a Doula.
142
00:07:01,539 --> 00:07:03,992
John, the term is "African-American."
143
00:07:07,791 --> 00:07:11,943
And listen, while we're on a break,
what is with all the changes to the show?
144
00:07:11,945 --> 00:07:14,130
I mean, even my dressing room
has different snacks.
145
00:07:14,132 --> 00:07:16,553
It's all soy ice cream and edamame.
146
00:07:16,555 --> 00:07:18,889
You know, I heard
those lower testosterone.
147
00:07:18,891 --> 00:07:22,500
Oh, really? I heard that they
make neck skin tighter.
148
00:07:23,036 --> 00:07:24,736
Oh, really?
149
00:07:24,738 --> 00:07:27,039
Well, then I'll have what I'm having.
150
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:31,615
And that's another thing.
I thought we were taping
151
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:35,638
sorority week with contestants
from 12 Florida safety schools.
152
00:07:36,157 --> 00:07:38,802
Right, we were gonna,
but I thought instead,
153
00:07:38,804 --> 00:07:40,781
- this might be a nicer idea.
- Oh.
154
00:07:40,783 --> 00:07:42,367
We're back, people.
155
00:07:44,312 --> 00:07:47,181
We're back with Veteran Week
156
00:07:47,183 --> 00:07:50,203
here on Celebrity You Guessed It.
157
00:07:51,224 --> 00:07:54,257
All elderly, male veterans.
158
00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:57,998
And my apologies
to gamma gamma gamma girls
159
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,208
from Surf University.
We'll have you on real soon.
160
00:08:02,671 --> 00:08:04,734
Did you get Lou to empty it out?
161
00:08:06,635 --> 00:08:09,037
No, Mary Jo, but I found another solution,
162
00:08:09,039 --> 00:08:10,109
you don't need to worry.
163
00:08:10,111 --> 00:08:14,609
Do you want to pass
on the question or phone home?
164
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:17,841
I'll phone home to my daughter, Stacy.
165
00:08:17,843 --> 00:08:20,335
She's a schoolteacher in Sarasota.
166
00:08:20,337 --> 00:08:21,481
Oh, what fun.
167
00:08:23,585 --> 00:08:24,685
Hello?
168
00:08:24,687 --> 00:08:27,689
Hello, Stacy, you're
on Celebrity You Guessed It.
169
00:08:27,691 --> 00:08:29,222
Hi there, I'm here to help.
170
00:08:29,224 --> 00:08:32,578
Oh, Stacy. You sound like a...
171
00:08:34,239 --> 00:08:36,000
Like a good girl.
172
00:08:36,542 --> 00:08:39,710
Like a good...Daddy's girl.
173
00:08:40,668 --> 00:08:43,466
I bet you drink all your milk
174
00:08:43,468 --> 00:08:45,875
and really enjoy it, don't you, Stacy?
175
00:08:50,502 --> 00:08:52,945
Look at what he managed to do.
176
00:08:52,947 --> 00:08:55,312
Nature always finds a way.
177
00:08:57,759 --> 00:08:59,359
Okay.
178
00:08:59,753 --> 00:09:02,492
I'm good on my end. How are you guys?
179
00:09:03,822 --> 00:09:05,623
- We're good.
- Good on our end, yeah.
180
00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:06,658
Yeah. Back up.
181
00:09:06,692 --> 00:09:08,059
- Okay.
- Okay, to the right.
182
00:09:08,061 --> 00:09:09,662
Okay. All right, ready?
183
00:09:09,664 --> 00:09:12,841
One, two, three, down.
184
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,615
- Yeah.
- Ohh!
185
00:09:17,111 --> 00:09:18,904
Okay, now back up.
186
00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:19,938
- Okay.
- Back up.
187
00:09:19,940 --> 00:09:21,375
- Okay, okay.
- Back up.
188
00:09:21,377 --> 00:09:23,273
- Back up.
- Okay.
189
00:09:25,544 --> 00:09:26,645
Hey, guys.
190
00:09:26,647 --> 00:09:28,474
Oh, thanks for carrying that up here.
191
00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:31,351
Actually, we got it delivered.
You owe us $100.
192
00:09:31,843 --> 00:09:33,577
Okay, I'll pay you back.
193
00:09:37,335 --> 00:09:39,457
- Hello?
- It's Amanda.
194
00:09:39,459 --> 00:09:40,492
Come on up.
195
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,026
You're gonna see the Doula again?
196
00:09:42,028 --> 00:09:44,669
Yeah, but I'm afraid we're
gonna have to break things off.
197
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:48,156
I don't think I can be around someone
whose profession grosses me out.
198
00:09:48,595 --> 00:09:51,414
Well, I live with two comedians,
so think of how I feel.
199
00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:54,875
It's stuck.
200
00:09:55,607 --> 00:09:58,309
- Hey.
- Hey.
201
00:10:00,884 --> 00:10:02,813
I'm ready to go.
Do you mind if I wash my hands?
202
00:10:02,815 --> 00:10:04,415
Why, what's on them?
203
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,718
- Just from the subway.
- Oh, right, yeah.
204
00:10:08,195 --> 00:10:09,919
- Stop kicking it.
- Well, I gotta get it out.
205
00:10:09,921 --> 00:10:11,388
- That's not how...
- How am I not gonna get it out...
206
00:10:11,390 --> 00:10:14,457
- Hey, shut up over there, shut up.
- Okay, everybody calm down.
207
00:10:14,459 --> 00:10:17,039
I think I can help.
He needs our support.
208
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,570
What's your name?
209
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,085
It's Motif.
210
00:10:24,906 --> 00:10:27,870
Motif, look at me.
We're gonna get through this.
211
00:10:27,904 --> 00:10:29,271
There's no need to panic.
212
00:10:29,273 --> 00:10:32,500
The A.C. Unit is just larger
than the window frame.
213
00:10:33,142 --> 00:10:35,390
You don't know what it's like back here.
214
00:10:35,859 --> 00:10:37,725
You did this to me.
215
00:10:37,848 --> 00:10:40,015
Motif, on the count of three,
216
00:10:40,017 --> 00:10:41,943
I need you to give me one big push.
217
00:10:41,945 --> 00:10:44,000
I don't know if I can.
218
00:10:44,587 --> 00:10:47,489
- I'm so tired.
- Motif, you can do it.
219
00:10:47,491 --> 00:10:50,294
Take a deep breath
and give me one big push.
220
00:10:54,429 --> 00:10:56,671
It's caught on something.
221
00:10:56,673 --> 00:10:59,132
The cord is wrapped
around the fire escape.
222
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:01,990
What's happening?
223
00:11:01,992 --> 00:11:04,115
Oh, my God, is Motif gonna die?
224
00:11:04,117 --> 00:11:07,013
Okay. Okay, everyone stay calm.
225
00:11:07,015 --> 00:11:09,043
This is perfectly normal. Keep pushing.
226
00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:12,085
I'm gonna unwrap the cord, and...
227
00:11:14,224 --> 00:11:16,796
Oh!
228
00:11:17,453 --> 00:11:19,053
Oh, God.
229
00:11:19,055 --> 00:11:21,713
Oh, you did so good, Motif!
230
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:22,948
You did so good.
231
00:11:24,026 --> 00:11:26,123
Oh, my God, Amanda, that was amazing.
232
00:11:26,125 --> 00:11:28,230
I can't believe you were
able to stay that calm.
233
00:11:28,232 --> 00:11:30,064
Well, the most important
thing a Doula can do
234
00:11:30,066 --> 00:11:31,733
is create a calm and serene environment
235
00:11:31,735 --> 00:11:33,235
for the child to enter.
236
00:11:33,237 --> 00:11:35,052
Also, it was just an air conditioner,
237
00:11:35,054 --> 00:11:37,210
so I was calm and didn't care
what happened.
238
00:11:37,722 --> 00:11:40,843
Yeah, but you knew that Motif was scared
and you were there for him.
239
00:11:40,845 --> 00:11:43,109
Wow, Doulas are like superheroes.
240
00:11:44,147 --> 00:11:46,953
- You should see a real birth sometime.
- I would love to.
241
00:11:46,955 --> 00:11:48,460
You would?
242
00:11:52,321 --> 00:11:53,853
Well, if you're serious,
243
00:11:53,855 --> 00:11:55,855
a client of mine is inducing this Friday.
244
00:11:55,857 --> 00:11:59,091
Yeah, but... but she probably wouldn't want
a stranger there, so...
245
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:02,380
Actually, it's my client's fifth baby,
so she's really chill about it.
246
00:12:03,773 --> 00:12:05,399
Wow!
247
00:12:05,401 --> 00:12:07,469
I've never had anyone there for support.
248
00:12:07,471 --> 00:12:09,270
- Thank you!
- Uh...
249
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:10,921
Oh, well, you know,
250
00:12:10,923 --> 00:12:14,060
a lot of guys would be
too squeamish, but not you.
251
00:12:14,062 --> 00:12:15,141
No.
252
00:12:15,143 --> 00:12:18,117
No, not me. Ha ha ha.
253
00:12:18,119 --> 00:12:20,020
Well, you know what they say.
254
00:12:20,022 --> 00:12:22,617
I sure hope I don't die before Friday.
255
00:12:24,855 --> 00:12:26,992
Ohh.
256
00:12:28,087 --> 00:12:29,859
Look at him.
257
00:12:30,421 --> 00:12:32,593
Stop filming me, I look terrible.
258
00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:43,479
- John.
- Hey, Lou.
259
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:47,250
Oh, no, is this some kind of
marionette thing you're into now?
260
00:12:47,269 --> 00:12:49,918
No, my usual makeup girl is gone.
261
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,255
Where is Tiffany?
Where is Melissa in wardrobe?
262
00:12:53,257 --> 00:12:54,406
Look at me.
263
00:12:55,586 --> 00:12:57,459
I was styled for the show today
264
00:12:57,461 --> 00:13:00,296
by some retired cop named Antony.
265
00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:03,131
You want more face paint?
266
00:13:03,133 --> 00:13:05,107
No, no, no, I'm good, thanks.
267
00:13:05,109 --> 00:13:06,966
I am a dude, dude.
268
00:13:06,968 --> 00:13:08,704
I want women putting makeup on me.
269
00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:11,693
The women are on strike.
None of them will work
270
00:13:11,695 --> 00:13:14,591
until you end
the hostile work environment.
271
00:13:14,593 --> 00:13:16,510
Hostile? What are you
talking about hostile?
272
00:13:16,512 --> 00:13:19,773
What about the staff conga line
yesterday that I started?
273
00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:24,418
Miss thing here was supposed to tell you
to stop acting so horny on the show,
274
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:27,789
but he didn't, and now,
we're all on strike.
275
00:13:27,824 --> 00:13:30,058
John, you knew about this?
276
00:13:30,231 --> 00:13:31,966
Lou, I'm really sorry.
277
00:13:31,968 --> 00:13:33,895
I thought it would be weird
to bring it up to you.
278
00:13:34,530 --> 00:13:36,833
Is this less weird?
279
00:13:37,032 --> 00:13:40,310
Look, what do you want me to say?
I'm uncomfortable talking to my boss
280
00:13:40,312 --> 00:13:42,036
about sex, okay? I'm sorry.
281
00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:45,585
Well, sorry will not change
the fact that I need an apology.
282
00:13:46,562 --> 00:13:48,675
And the next time you hear
people talking about me
283
00:13:48,677 --> 00:13:51,746
behind my back, you come to me
and tell me face-to-face,
284
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:54,316
'cause I am a man,
and I don't have to be treated
285
00:13:54,318 --> 00:13:56,039
like a fragile, little thing.
286
00:13:56,546 --> 00:13:59,914
Mama. What are you doing he...
287
00:14:04,125 --> 00:14:06,140
I hate everyone here.
288
00:14:11,759 --> 00:14:14,000
- Hey, Oscar.
- Oh, hello.
289
00:14:14,002 --> 00:14:16,076
I'm headed up to 50th Street.
290
00:14:16,078 --> 00:14:18,943
Sometimes, if I sit in a beach chair,
291
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:21,523
eventually, a block party will start.
292
00:14:22,531 --> 00:14:24,510
How are things with Amanda?
293
00:14:24,512 --> 00:14:26,280
Ugh, they're bad.
294
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:29,482
I have to watch her Doula
at a birth, and I'm gonna faint.
295
00:14:29,484 --> 00:14:32,351
I'm gonna faint,
and Amanda's gonna be mad at me,
296
00:14:32,353 --> 00:14:34,220
and the baby's gonna be mad at me,
297
00:14:34,222 --> 00:14:36,748
and Amanda's gonna think
I'm afraid of vaginas,
298
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,890
and that can't be good for our chemistry.
299
00:14:38,892 --> 00:14:42,762
John, everyone has things
that make them squeamish.
300
00:14:42,797 --> 00:14:45,631
You may not know this,
but I'm a Jewish person,
301
00:14:45,665 --> 00:14:50,536
and the first time I went
to a bris, I passed out.
302
00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:52,538
- You did?
- When I saw the rabbi
303
00:14:52,572 --> 00:14:55,141
put that cigar cutter
on that little cashew,
304
00:14:55,175 --> 00:14:56,809
I was a goner.
305
00:14:56,843 --> 00:14:59,178
Wow. Did you ever go to a bris again?
306
00:14:59,212 --> 00:15:01,980
I had to. I get invited to one a week.
307
00:15:02,014 --> 00:15:03,816
Everyone loves Oscar.
308
00:15:03,850 --> 00:15:04,950
Yeah.
309
00:15:04,984 --> 00:15:08,053
I decided to get
so used to going to brisses
310
00:15:08,087 --> 00:15:11,657
that it would be no weirder than
seeing a friend get a haircut.
311
00:15:11,691 --> 00:15:13,325
You watch your friends get haircuts?
312
00:15:13,359 --> 00:15:15,494
Of course.
313
00:15:15,528 --> 00:15:19,697
You should learn as much
as you can about childbirth
314
00:15:19,731 --> 00:15:22,067
until you no longer are worried about it.
315
00:15:22,101 --> 00:15:23,835
Do you really think that will work?
316
00:15:23,869 --> 00:15:26,371
It worked for me.
Now, when I go to a bris,
317
00:15:26,405 --> 00:15:29,307
I just laugh and laugh.
318
00:15:29,342 --> 00:15:32,344
Of course, I'm normally very stoned.
319
00:15:34,847 --> 00:15:36,681
We're here for you, Mulaney.
320
00:15:36,715 --> 00:15:38,349
When we're done with you,
you'll be as comfortable
321
00:15:38,383 --> 00:15:40,551
with childbirth as you are
with those sex murders
322
00:15:40,586 --> 00:15:42,353
you watch on cable all day long.
323
00:15:44,155 --> 00:15:45,957
I guess it's all the circle of life,
324
00:15:45,991 --> 00:15:48,392
from birth to murder.
325
00:15:48,426 --> 00:15:50,327
Okay, Motif, let's just
start with the basics.
326
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:54,598
"The journey to birth begins
at menstruation..."
327
00:15:54,632 --> 00:15:56,867
Oh, God.
328
00:15:56,901 --> 00:16:00,437
"When women experience shedding
in the uterine lining."
329
00:16:00,472 --> 00:16:04,141
Oh, "shedding," that's the word
that always got me.
330
00:16:04,175 --> 00:16:05,976
Oh, g... Jane, before you get mad,
331
00:16:06,010 --> 00:16:07,944
all love and respect
to women and their bodies.
332
00:16:07,979 --> 00:16:09,888
I know you have to
go through that every month.
333
00:16:09,890 --> 00:16:13,271
Actually, between high school
gymnastics and birth control,
334
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:16,019
sometimes, I don't get it
for an entire season.
335
00:16:16,053 --> 00:16:19,578
I'm on kind of a game of thronescycle.
336
00:16:20,366 --> 00:16:23,187
Winter is coming,
but, like, not for a while.
337
00:16:26,796 --> 00:16:30,008
"In certain births,
Doulas will have to assist
338
00:16:30,010 --> 00:16:32,345
in an episiotomy when the... "
339
00:16:35,674 --> 00:16:37,234
What? What is it?
340
00:16:39,643 --> 00:16:43,746
If the baby can't squeeze out,
they cut area between...
341
00:16:43,748 --> 00:16:46,014
- Manhattan and Brooklyn?
- Yes!
342
00:16:46,716 --> 00:16:50,452
Oh, my God! This is horrible!
343
00:16:50,486 --> 00:16:53,923
How did my mother never
tell me about this?
344
00:16:53,957 --> 00:16:57,592
I'm going to call that woman
tonight and tear her a new one.
345
00:17:01,130 --> 00:17:03,565
Oh, John, I already did.
346
00:17:03,599 --> 00:17:06,974
Jane, what if that lady tomorrow
has an episiotomy?
347
00:17:06,976 --> 00:17:08,270
I will die. I will die right there...
348
00:17:08,272 --> 00:17:11,972
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
"Episiotomy's" just a word.
349
00:17:11,974 --> 00:17:15,273
Episiotomy? Episiotomy!
350
00:17:15,611 --> 00:17:18,029
Yeah, episiotomy, it's just a word.
351
00:17:18,031 --> 00:17:21,669
It sounds like a little
Italian man, Mr. Episiotomy.
352
00:17:21,671 --> 00:17:22,771
- Yeah.
- And he...
353
00:17:22,773 --> 00:17:24,351
and he sweeps up
in front of his store, and...
354
00:17:24,386 --> 00:17:26,487
yeah, and he has two daughters
he's very proud of.
355
00:17:26,489 --> 00:17:30,357
Yeah, yeah, hey, Mr. Episiotomy,
why you-a never smile?
356
00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:34,229
Yeah, uh, "because they cut-a
between my vagina and my anus."
357
00:17:38,296 --> 00:17:40,000
Sorry.
358
00:17:40,002 --> 00:17:41,703
This is rough.
359
00:17:41,705 --> 00:17:44,015
Maybe I shouldn't have taken
Oscar's advice.
360
00:17:46,874 --> 00:17:48,642
Why are we doing this?
361
00:17:52,013 --> 00:17:54,414
The woman is placed in stirrups,
362
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:57,640
and the miracle of life
is almost complete.
363
00:17:58,518 --> 00:18:00,385
You made it 20 minutes into the movie.
364
00:18:00,387 --> 00:18:01,912
You might be cured, Mulaney.
365
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:05,875
How do you not get waxed
before making a video like this?
366
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:17,137
A little further, Jane!
367
00:18:17,171 --> 00:18:19,839
A little further, Motif. We got this.
368
00:18:19,873 --> 00:18:24,243
All right, one, two, three. Ohh.
369
00:18:24,245 --> 00:18:25,544
- Hey, Andre.
- Hey.
370
00:18:25,546 --> 00:18:27,068
Mulaney, you were helping too.
371
00:18:27,070 --> 00:18:27,976
Yes.
372
00:18:28,747 --> 00:18:30,581
Mother and father hold hands
373
00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:33,318
as mom pushes for the final time.
374
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,179
Hey, those are my parents.
375
00:18:36,797 --> 00:18:38,189
Those are your parents.
376
00:18:38,191 --> 00:18:40,024
Yeah, that's my mom right there
377
00:18:40,026 --> 00:18:41,994
with the redheaded baby coming out of her.
378
00:18:43,393 --> 00:18:45,882
- What are you watching?
- That's Andre.
379
00:18:45,884 --> 00:18:48,619
Andre is the miracle of life baby.
380
00:18:50,002 --> 00:18:52,971
Oh, my God. I'm a little miracle,
381
00:18:52,973 --> 00:18:54,966
and my parents wanted
to share me with the world.
382
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:57,179
I don't want to look at it.
383
00:18:57,181 --> 00:18:59,810
Sharon, you have to hold the baby
384
00:18:59,812 --> 00:19:02,547
he could grow up very weird if
he doesn't get the right love.
385
00:19:02,549 --> 00:19:05,551
I don't care. I don't love him.
386
00:19:20,365 --> 00:19:22,199
You okay?
387
00:19:22,208 --> 00:19:24,359
I can't believe it spiked to 100 degrees.
388
00:19:24,361 --> 00:19:25,793
I'm feeling a little dizzy.
389
00:19:25,795 --> 00:19:28,645
Well, I feel great, and I almost forgot,
390
00:19:28,647 --> 00:19:31,249
I brought a container for the placenta.
391
00:19:31,284 --> 00:19:33,651
The placenta sac is filled with nutrients.
392
00:19:33,653 --> 00:19:35,757
It's very important to keep it.
393
00:19:35,759 --> 00:19:38,718
Wow, you're like a Doula apprentice.
394
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:42,092
Well, whatever helps to create
a calm and serene atmosphere
395
00:19:42,094 --> 00:19:43,427
for the baby to enter.
396
00:19:43,462 --> 00:19:46,364
Nothing's going to spoil this moment.
397
00:19:46,398 --> 00:19:48,726
Wow, a home birth.
398
00:19:49,606 --> 00:19:51,602
You know, they come out real slimy.
399
00:19:51,604 --> 00:19:54,531
Not all cute like on Murphy Brown.
400
00:19:54,533 --> 00:19:56,078
Lou.
401
00:19:56,676 --> 00:20:00,544
The worst thing someone can do
at a birth is panic,
402
00:20:00,579 --> 00:20:02,980
but I am very concerned that you are here.
403
00:20:03,015 --> 00:20:04,615
Well, your roommates told me
where you'd be.
404
00:20:04,649 --> 00:20:06,550
I came to apologize, John.
405
00:20:06,585 --> 00:20:08,019
Is that Lou Cannon?
406
00:20:08,053 --> 00:20:11,122
Hey, congrats, mama.
407
00:20:11,156 --> 00:20:14,425
I have four kids myself.
The birth is the hard part.
408
00:20:14,459 --> 00:20:17,728
After that, they kind of
raise themselves, you know?
409
00:20:17,762 --> 00:20:19,896
So anyway, I-I feel terrible,
410
00:20:19,931 --> 00:20:21,898
because you were put
in an awkward situation.
411
00:20:21,933 --> 00:20:26,169
I mean, it's hard to talk
to your boss about s-e-x.
412
00:20:26,204 --> 00:20:29,206
I appreciate that, Lou,
but now's a very bad time.
413
00:20:29,241 --> 00:20:33,009
Lana, I can see his head.
Just give me one big push.
414
00:20:33,044 --> 00:20:35,945
And of course, I was behaving
indelicately on the show,
415
00:20:35,979 --> 00:20:37,458
- and I...
- shh, shh, shh, Lou,
416
00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:40,149
we need to create a quiet,
serene space for the baby.
417
00:20:40,183 --> 00:20:42,365
Fyi, I took care
418
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:45,921
of the release problem.
Special thanks to Mary Jo.
419
00:20:45,956 --> 00:20:47,657
Mmm.
420
00:20:47,691 --> 00:20:49,559
What? What did Mary Jo do?
421
00:20:49,593 --> 00:20:52,762
Well, it's what we did together.
422
00:20:52,796 --> 00:20:56,265
In fact, we've got
the video of it to prove it.
423
00:20:56,299 --> 00:20:58,226
- That's right.
- Rawr.
424
00:20:58,228 --> 00:20:59,583
Oh, my God.
425
00:20:59,585 --> 00:21:00,870
Yeah.
426
00:21:00,872 --> 00:21:03,073
You're naked, and...
427
00:21:03,075 --> 00:21:07,210
- Uh, Mary Jo...Is naked and...
428
00:21:07,674 --> 00:21:08,968
I have to go.
429
00:21:12,766 --> 00:21:15,492
There he is, your boy.
430
00:21:22,191 --> 00:21:24,325
Hi there! You know who I am?
431
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:26,101
I'm Lou Cannon!
432
00:21:27,485 --> 00:21:34,125
sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com