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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,936 --> 00:00:07,338
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,373 --> 00:00:10,774
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:13,777
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 13x03 ♪
Baking Bad
Original Air Date on October 19, 2014
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00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:33,862
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:33,866 --> 00:00:36,467
We now return to Hotel TV,
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00:00:36,502 --> 00:00:38,836
the station that makes you feel
like you're at a hotel
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00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:40,571
when you're not at a hotel.
15
00:00:40,606 --> 00:00:43,140
Have a romantic drink
by the concourse fountain.
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00:00:43,175 --> 00:00:45,809
Or you can watch the big game
at Chopper's Bar and Grill,
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00:00:45,845 --> 00:00:47,978
where they'll be pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:49,480
Or maybe you're in the mood
for something
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00:00:49,515 --> 00:00:50,781
a little more exotic.
20
00:00:50,816 --> 00:00:52,850
Try Jose Gato's
Brazilian Steakhouse.
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00:00:52,885 --> 00:00:54,852
With rooftop views,
plus a fine selection
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00:00:54,887 --> 00:00:56,253
of blended rum drinks.
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00:00:56,288 --> 00:00:57,755
At the end of the night,
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00:00:57,790 --> 00:00:59,256
you won't want to say,
"Boa noite."
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00:00:59,291 --> 00:01:01,692
And you won't have to,
'cause Chopper's is open,
26
00:01:01,727 --> 00:01:03,594
where they're pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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00:01:03,629 --> 00:01:05,162
Should we go
to Chopper's?
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00:01:05,197 --> 00:01:06,397
We interrupt this program
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00:01:06,432 --> 00:01:08,732
to bring you a Chanel 5 News
special report.
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00:01:08,768 --> 00:01:10,734
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:12,369
Tragedy stuck Haiti today
32
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,905
as the island nation was rocked
by a major earthquake,
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00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:17,107
leaving thousands dead
and injured.
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00:01:18,277 --> 00:01:20,711
Coming up, local newsman
shows a camera operator
35
00:01:20,746 --> 00:01:22,846
how to center a shot.
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00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:24,048
There we go.
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00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,416
There, there's Tom.
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00:01:25,451 --> 00:01:26,950
There's the star.
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00:01:26,986 --> 00:01:28,986
Oh, my God.
That's terrible about Haiti.
40
00:01:29,021 --> 00:01:30,721
We got to do
something to help.
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00:01:30,756 --> 00:01:32,056
No, we don't.
42
00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:33,791
Relax.
I'm sure Wyclef Jean
43
00:01:33,826 --> 00:01:35,392
has got it all under control.
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00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,593
I've always talked about
45
00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:38,095
wanting to help in
these situations,
46
00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:39,797
but I never
follow through.
47
00:01:39,832 --> 00:01:42,099
Well, this time, I'm
really gonna do it.
48
00:01:42,134 --> 00:01:43,600
I'm gonna start
a blood drive.
49
00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:44,868
Good for you, Lois.
50
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,937
You'll be a local hero,
like Paul Revere.
51
00:01:46,972 --> 00:01:48,572
The British will
be here soon.
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00:01:48,607 --> 00:01:50,040
We shall stand our ground
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00:01:50,076 --> 00:01:51,442
and fight them to the death!
54
00:01:51,477 --> 00:01:53,143
Yes! Yes!
55
00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:54,545
Although...
I mean, one of us
56
00:01:54,580 --> 00:01:55,746
should probably
warn everyone.
57
00:01:55,781 --> 00:01:57,281
You know... that the
British are coming.
58
00:01:57,316 --> 00:01:58,348
I mean, not me.
59
00:01:58,384 --> 00:01:59,616
I mean,
I want to fight.
60
00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:01,618
I mean, oh, shoot...
I've got the horse.
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00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:03,821
I mean, but if
anyone else wants to go?
62
00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:04,856
I'll go.
63
00:02:04,857 --> 00:02:05,989
No one?
All right.
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00:02:06,025 --> 00:02:08,192
I'll make sure everyone
remembers your names!
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00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:17,468
Wow, Lois, you really
got a great turnout
66
00:02:17,503 --> 00:02:18,902
for the blood drive.
Oh, yeah.
67
00:02:18,938 --> 00:02:20,537
The whole thing's going off
without a hitch.
68
00:02:20,573 --> 00:02:21,939
Well, except
for that mosquito
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00:02:21,974 --> 00:02:23,707
who keeps trying
to sneak in.
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00:02:23,742 --> 00:02:25,008
Hi. I'm the new nurse.
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00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:26,243
Get out of here!
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00:02:26,278 --> 00:02:27,578
This blood's not for you!
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00:02:27,613 --> 00:02:29,513
Aw...
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00:02:29,548 --> 00:02:31,715
Oh, look, an empty tire
with some water in it.
75
00:02:31,750 --> 00:02:34,251
All right,
I'm happy again.
76
00:02:34,286 --> 00:02:36,086
I'm gonna go ahead
and thank you
77
00:02:36,122 --> 00:02:37,287
for donating
blood today.
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00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,388
Donating?!
79
00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:39,790
I thought we were
getting paid!
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00:02:42,061 --> 00:02:45,329
Peter, everyone else here
has donated except you.
81
00:02:45,364 --> 00:02:46,530
That's not true.
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00:02:46,565 --> 00:02:47,798
That guy over there
didn't donate.
83
00:02:47,833 --> 00:02:49,500
That's still
you, Peter.
84
00:02:49,535 --> 00:02:51,235
Oh. Well, if I got to donate,
85
00:02:51,270 --> 00:02:52,603
he's got to donate, too.
86
00:02:52,638 --> 00:02:54,338
You, get in here!
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00:02:55,674 --> 00:02:57,007
Sucker!
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00:02:57,042 --> 00:02:58,375
Son of a bitch!
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00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:04,715
Lois! Lois!
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00:03:04,750 --> 00:03:05,849
Mommy!
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00:03:05,885 --> 00:03:07,217
Stewie,
what's going on?
92
00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:08,719
You should be
asleep by now.
93
00:03:08,754 --> 00:03:10,420
I can't sleep, Brian.
Where's the woman?
94
00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:12,289
I need her to read me
a bedtime story.
95
00:03:12,324 --> 00:03:13,724
Oh, she's busy with
the blood drive.
96
00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:14,791
Maybe I can help.
97
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:16,360
How about I read you
this book?
98
00:03:16,395 --> 00:03:18,061
It's called
Apathetic George.
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00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:20,130
"George used to be
a curious monkey,
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00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:21,798
"but after
a month in captivity,
101
00:03:21,834 --> 00:03:23,467
"all he did
was wait for food.
102
00:03:23,502 --> 00:03:25,335
"The zoo people
wanted him to mate,
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00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:27,437
"but he lost interest
in that, too.
104
00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:29,306
"20 years
and millions of dollars
105
00:03:29,341 --> 00:03:31,041
in zoo revenue later,
he died."
106
00:03:31,076 --> 00:03:33,043
Okay, I've had enough.
All right, you know what,
107
00:03:33,078 --> 00:03:35,245
I know something that will help
you sleep. Wait here.
108
00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:37,447
Well, I hope so.
Because I've tried everything.
109
00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:39,650
Counting sheep,
thinking sleepy thoughts.
110
00:03:39,685 --> 00:03:41,752
I even hired the Sandman.
111
00:03:41,787 --> 00:03:43,687
Sand and sand and
sand and sand
112
00:03:43,722 --> 00:03:46,590
and sand and sand
and good night!
113
00:03:46,625 --> 00:03:48,458
Okay, I'll give you
a tiny bit of this.
114
00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:50,227
It should help you sleep.
What is it?
115
00:03:50,262 --> 00:03:51,995
It's cough syrup.
It's not really for kids,
116
00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,031
but a capful
is pretty harmless.
117
00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:56,366
Mmm.
118
00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:59,870
Oh, so this is what Lil Wayne
keeps almost dying from.
119
00:03:59,905 --> 00:04:02,139
Ah, this is so relaxing.
120
00:04:02,174 --> 00:04:03,874
I could get used to this.
121
00:04:03,909 --> 00:04:06,877
Like the way I got used to
wearing European diapers.
122
00:04:06,912 --> 00:04:08,245
Don't mind me.
123
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:10,280
I'm just grabbing
a little cheese and vino.
124
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:15,118
If anybody needs me,
I'll be poolside
125
00:04:15,154 --> 00:04:18,956
next to my weirdly hot
girlfriend with dark teeth.
126
00:04:23,762 --> 00:04:25,229
Well, Lois, I'm
done giving blood.
127
00:04:25,264 --> 00:04:26,430
Just ask this guy.
128
00:04:26,465 --> 00:04:27,764
Is true, Lois.
129
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,299
I sucked him dry.
130
00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:31,235
He gave a blood
donation as well.
131
00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:33,237
Peter, knock it off.
Just give some blood,
132
00:04:33,272 --> 00:04:35,172
get your cookie
and be done with it.
133
00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:36,840
Cookie?
Yes, Peter.
134
00:04:36,875 --> 00:04:39,042
There are cookies
for everyone who donates.
135
00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:40,477
Well, I already ate
two wedding cakes,
136
00:04:40,512 --> 00:04:42,346
but I guess I could
go for a cookie.
137
00:04:42,381 --> 00:04:43,480
All right, I'll do it.
138
00:04:43,515 --> 00:04:45,549
Peter, you're doing
a good thing.
139
00:04:45,584 --> 00:04:47,751
Thanks, Lois, but you got
to promise you'll warn me
140
00:04:47,786 --> 00:04:49,353
before they stick
that needle in me.
141
00:04:49,388 --> 00:04:51,622
Actually, we
just finished.
142
00:04:51,657 --> 00:04:53,557
Wow, that wasn't so bad.
143
00:04:53,592 --> 00:04:56,226
See, Peter? And now
you can have a cookie.
144
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:57,694
Oh, awesome!
145
00:04:57,730 --> 00:05:01,298
Mmm. Mmm. Oh, my God,
Th-these are delicious.
146
00:05:01,333 --> 00:05:02,966
Lois, you made these?
147
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:05,435
Yeah, I found one
of my grandmother's old recipes,
148
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:08,572
so I thought I'd make a special
batch for the blood drive.
149
00:05:08,607 --> 00:05:11,174
Well, I'm glad you did.
These cookies are amazing.
150
00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:14,177
They're even tastier
than Connie Britton's hair.
151
00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:20,384
Mmm. God, your
hair is delicious.
152
00:05:20,419 --> 00:05:21,852
Who are you?
153
00:05:21,887 --> 00:05:24,788
I'm the guy who killed
your bodyguard.
154
00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:30,227
Coming this fall
to every network,
155
00:05:30,262 --> 00:05:34,164
your favorite sitcom lines
preceded by the word "uh."
156
00:05:34,199 --> 00:05:36,166
Uh, knock much?
157
00:05:38,871 --> 00:05:41,505
Uh, that just happened.
158
00:05:43,709 --> 00:05:46,343
Uh, so I guess this
is a thing now?
159
00:05:46,378 --> 00:05:48,345
Uh, yeah, no.
160
00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:50,280
Uh, awkward.
161
00:05:51,717 --> 00:05:54,685
TV, that thing
you used to watch.
162
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,186
Oh, these are incredible.
163
00:05:56,221 --> 00:05:57,454
Hey, you know something?
164
00:05:57,489 --> 00:05:59,723
If we sold these, we could
make a ton of money.
165
00:05:59,758 --> 00:06:01,491
Maybe we should open
our own cookie store.
166
00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:03,627
Are you serious?
Yeah, why not?
167
00:06:03,662 --> 00:06:05,595
I mean, if George Foreman
can make electric grills,
168
00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:06,997
we can do this.
169
00:06:07,032 --> 00:06:09,266
I mean, I've seen that guy
get punched in the face
170
00:06:09,301 --> 00:06:11,201
a thousand times, and now
he's making science stuff.
171
00:06:11,236 --> 00:06:13,603
Who'd think that idiot
would still be walking around
172
00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:15,972
and Muhammad Ali
can't even talk anymore?
173
00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:18,508
You know, having our own store
could be kind of fun.
174
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,544
And you'd really do it with me?
175
00:06:20,579 --> 00:06:21,812
Absolutely.
176
00:06:21,847 --> 00:06:25,349
Oh, Peter, that actually sounds
kind of romantic.
177
00:06:25,384 --> 00:06:28,952
I always wanted you and me
to work on a project together.
178
00:06:28,987 --> 00:06:30,687
Oh, let's do it!
179
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:33,290
All right! Now, let's
turn up the TV real loud
180
00:06:33,325 --> 00:06:36,093
so the kids can't
hear us having sex.
181
00:06:36,128 --> 00:06:37,894
Aah! Aah!
182
00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:40,831
Sex! Sex!
183
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,220
There's my handsome
business partner.
184
00:06:49,256 --> 00:06:51,757
Now, we can't be late for
our meeting with the bank.
185
00:06:51,792 --> 00:06:54,226
That's so cool you guys
are gonna open a business.
186
00:06:54,261 --> 00:06:56,428
Yeah, well, I got a ton
of business experience.
187
00:06:56,464 --> 00:06:58,097
I mean, I had that job
creating ads
188
00:06:58,132 --> 00:07:00,399
for the North Dakota
board of tourism.
189
00:07:00,434 --> 00:07:02,067
Hi. Do you like South Dakota
190
00:07:02,103 --> 00:07:03,902
but don't want
to see Mount Rushmore?
191
00:07:03,938 --> 00:07:05,371
Come to North Dakota.
192
00:07:05,406 --> 00:07:07,773
It's just a very long drive
from wherever you live.
193
00:07:07,808 --> 00:07:09,875
Best of all,
most of the good license plates
194
00:07:09,910 --> 00:07:11,143
aren't taken yet.
195
00:07:11,178 --> 00:07:13,746
Imagine coming here
and having "Cool Dude"
196
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,748
or "Yay Jews"
197
00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:17,583
or "Boo Jews,"
198
00:07:17,618 --> 00:07:19,785
depending on where you stand
on Jews.
199
00:07:19,820 --> 00:07:22,721
North Dakota.
We're not even the best Dakota.
200
00:07:23,758 --> 00:07:25,391
Stewie,
what are you doing?
201
00:07:25,426 --> 00:07:27,926
Huh? Oh, Brian,
oh, there you are.
202
00:07:27,962 --> 00:07:30,929
I've been... I've been looking
all over the table for you.
203
00:07:30,965 --> 00:07:33,932
You know, I've got to tell
you, this stuff you gave me
204
00:07:33,968 --> 00:07:36,201
was a lifesaver
last night.
205
00:07:36,237 --> 00:07:37,903
I was out
like a light.
206
00:07:37,938 --> 00:07:40,906
And, you know, normally,
I'm up five or six times
207
00:07:40,941 --> 00:07:43,909
to scream and defecate.
But you know what?
208
00:07:43,944 --> 00:07:45,577
I slept straight
through.
209
00:07:45,613 --> 00:07:47,513
Stewie, I told you,
there's alcohol in that.
210
00:07:47,548 --> 00:07:49,081
It's not for kids.
211
00:07:49,116 --> 00:07:52,418
You're not for kids.
212
00:07:52,453 --> 00:07:54,420
Stewie, you're drunk.
213
00:07:54,455 --> 00:07:56,422
Oh, Brian's all serious.
214
00:07:56,457 --> 00:07:58,757
"Oh, I don't... I don't
drink in the morning
215
00:07:58,793 --> 00:08:00,392
because I've got
to land a plane."
216
00:08:01,695 --> 00:08:03,929
All right, come on, I've got
to drive you to daycare.
217
00:08:03,964 --> 00:08:06,932
Okay, okay, it's all right.
C-Calm down, calm down.
218
00:08:06,967 --> 00:08:08,934
Uh, uh, oh. Oh, I think I...
219
00:08:08,969 --> 00:08:12,037
I think I've put my shoes
on the wrong feet.
220
00:08:12,073 --> 00:08:14,006
Is it 9:15 already?
221
00:08:14,041 --> 00:08:16,041
Lois, we got to go!
222
00:08:22,483 --> 00:08:24,850
You know, I've got all
the papers for the loan officer,
223
00:08:24,885 --> 00:08:27,453
but, I got to admit,
I'm a little nervous.
224
00:08:27,488 --> 00:08:29,788
Don't worry, we're gonna
get this loan, no problem.
225
00:08:29,824 --> 00:08:32,057
And if you get nervous,
just do what I always do,
226
00:08:32,093 --> 00:08:33,725
picture your
audience naked.
227
00:08:33,761 --> 00:08:35,461
Good afternoon,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
228
00:08:35,496 --> 00:08:37,796
Aah! Get that enormous
thing out of my face!
229
00:08:37,832 --> 00:08:40,466
I'll be your loan officer,
so why don't you have a seat
230
00:08:40,501 --> 00:08:42,167
and tell me
about your business.
231
00:08:42,203 --> 00:08:43,402
Our business
is cookies.
232
00:08:43,437 --> 00:08:44,903
Now let me ask
you a question.
233
00:08:44,939 --> 00:08:46,905
You ever heard of money?
Yes.
234
00:08:46,941 --> 00:08:48,907
Good, good. We're
on the same page.
235
00:08:48,943 --> 00:08:50,709
Now, sir, let me ask
you something else.
236
00:08:50,744 --> 00:08:54,046
Can you name one successful
company that isn't cookie-based?
237
00:08:54,081 --> 00:08:55,447
Microsoft.
238
00:08:55,483 --> 00:08:57,382
Peter, I'll handle this.
239
00:08:57,418 --> 00:09:00,119
Uh, my husband and I would like
to open a cookie store.
240
00:09:00,154 --> 00:09:01,453
We've done all the research,
241
00:09:01,489 --> 00:09:04,123
and I'm very confident
we can turn a profit.
242
00:09:04,158 --> 00:09:07,326
I've brought some samples
if you'd like to try one.
243
00:09:07,361 --> 00:09:08,927
She said one.
244
00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:10,963
Take one.
245
00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:15,067
Mmm. Well,
these are delicious.
246
00:09:15,102 --> 00:09:18,871
Let me just run this
by my supervisor.
247
00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:20,572
Yes!
248
00:09:20,608 --> 00:09:22,741
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
this bank would like
249
00:09:22,776 --> 00:09:24,276
to help you start
your business.
250
00:09:24,311 --> 00:09:26,945
Really?!
Oh, that's fantastic!
251
00:09:26,981 --> 00:09:28,480
And if you have
any other questions,
252
00:09:28,516 --> 00:09:31,350
you can call me
at any time.
253
00:09:33,454 --> 00:09:34,753
Hello?
254
00:09:34,788 --> 00:09:37,823
How far away are the stars?
255
00:09:43,130 --> 00:09:44,930
Brian! Brian!
256
00:09:44,965 --> 00:09:46,798
Hold-hold on one second.
257
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:48,634
I'll be right with you,
Mr. Duckford.
258
00:09:48,669 --> 00:09:50,636
Brian!
What?
259
00:09:50,671 --> 00:09:54,173
Let's order... I was just
thinking, let's order a kebab.
260
00:09:54,208 --> 00:09:56,175
A what?
A kebab.
261
00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:58,177
But I... but I want it
in this order:
262
00:09:58,212 --> 00:10:00,179
vegetable, meat, meat,
263
00:10:00,214 --> 00:10:02,181
vegetable, meat.
264
00:10:02,216 --> 00:10:05,184
And, uh, Mr. Duckford
would like some quackers.
265
00:10:05,219 --> 00:10:07,519
Can I leave now?
266
00:10:07,555 --> 00:10:10,522
No, no, Bri... No, you can't.
Brian, I need your help.
267
00:10:10,558 --> 00:10:13,659
I've made a series
of small poops in my bath,
268
00:10:13,694 --> 00:10:16,328
and I need you to scoop them out
with this fishnet.
269
00:10:16,363 --> 00:10:18,330
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
You have to.
270
00:10:18,365 --> 00:10:20,232
You're my butler.
I'm not your butler.
271
00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:22,334
I know, but wouldn't
it be great if you were?
272
00:10:22,369 --> 00:10:24,336
It'd be... I'd be so happy.
273
00:10:24,371 --> 00:10:27,005
In fact, the only thing
that would make me happier is...
274
00:10:27,041 --> 00:10:30,342
would... is... would be if this
tub was filled with "yawgurt."
275
00:10:30,377 --> 00:10:32,477
Can you... can you get me
some yawgurt?
276
00:10:32,513 --> 00:10:34,479
Is the yawgurt shop
still open?
277
00:10:34,515 --> 00:10:37,349
Is there... is there some place
to dial up yawgurt?
278
00:10:37,384 --> 00:10:39,685
Stop saying that.
What's the best skin yawgurt?
279
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,221
Who can... who can prepare me
a nice yawgurt treatment?
280
00:10:42,256 --> 00:10:44,890
If you say it like that one
more time, I'm gonna drown you.
281
00:10:44,925 --> 00:10:46,892
Yawgurt. Uh, see?
282
00:10:46,927 --> 00:10:48,894
You're not... you're not
gonna do anything.
283
00:10:48,929 --> 00:10:53,232
Hey, hey, Brian,
am I a good little guy?
284
00:10:56,837 --> 00:10:59,071
This space
will be perfect, Peter.
285
00:10:59,106 --> 00:11:00,272
Yeah, it sure will, Lois.
286
00:11:00,307 --> 00:11:02,341
Now all we got to do
is name the store.
287
00:11:02,376 --> 00:11:03,575
Ooh, ooh, I got it.
288
00:11:03,611 --> 00:11:04,943
Peter's Wife's Cookies.
289
00:11:04,979 --> 00:11:06,378
I love it.
290
00:11:06,413 --> 00:11:07,679
And I love you.
291
00:11:07,715 --> 00:11:09,248
Really?
Yes.
292
00:11:09,283 --> 00:11:11,450
You know, we did so-so
building a family,
293
00:11:11,485 --> 00:11:12,718
but this business--
294
00:11:12,753 --> 00:11:15,120
I think we can really
knock it out of the park.
295
00:11:15,155 --> 00:11:16,555
Oh, we sure can, Lois.
296
00:11:16,590 --> 00:11:17,889
We're gonna be a great team.
297
00:11:17,925 --> 00:11:20,859
Like Moses and his buddy who
liked to collect seashells.
298
00:11:25,065 --> 00:11:27,065
Yay!
299
00:11:34,174 --> 00:11:36,341
I can't believe it, Peter.
300
00:11:36,377 --> 00:11:37,976
Our first day
of business.
301
00:11:38,012 --> 00:11:39,511
All right. Well,
we have got work to do,
302
00:11:39,546 --> 00:11:41,613
so let's roll up our sleeves
and get right to it.
303
00:11:41,649 --> 00:11:43,315
There's a lot to do,
so we can't be afraid
304
00:11:43,350 --> 00:11:45,284
to just roll up our sleeves
and get the job done.
305
00:11:45,319 --> 00:11:46,818
We can't be hands-off managers.
306
00:11:46,854 --> 00:11:48,820
We got to roll up our sleeves
and just dig in.
307
00:11:48,856 --> 00:11:50,656
Peter, your arms
are turning purple.
308
00:11:50,691 --> 00:11:53,258
Purple with success.
That's the color of money.
309
00:11:53,294 --> 00:11:55,694
You got to do the work of two
men and pay yourself for one.
310
00:11:55,729 --> 00:11:58,096
Just roll up those sleeves
and address the task at hand,
311
00:11:58,132 --> 00:12:00,365
whatever it may be, not shying
away from the dirty work,
312
00:12:00,401 --> 00:12:02,501
but just rolling up our sleeves
and having at it.
313
00:12:02,536 --> 00:12:04,403
Success is not given.
It is taken.
314
00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:07,172
It's time to get in the game
and get dirty.
315
00:12:07,207 --> 00:12:09,207
All right, I'm going to lunch.
316
00:12:14,381 --> 00:12:16,281
Uh, yes, I'd like
a chocolate chip cookie.
317
00:12:16,317 --> 00:12:17,582
Elmer!
318
00:12:17,618 --> 00:12:19,584
What, Mom? You promised
I could get a cookie
319
00:12:19,620 --> 00:12:20,886
if I finished
all my surgery.
320
00:12:20,921 --> 00:12:22,254
Did you?
321
00:12:22,289 --> 00:12:23,889
Yeah.
All of it?
322
00:12:23,924 --> 00:12:26,325
Um...
Get back there.
323
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,526
I'm gonna do it.
324
00:12:27,561 --> 00:12:30,162
What does it matter
when I do it?
325
00:12:35,536 --> 00:12:37,269
Lois, Lois, lock the door.
Why?
326
00:12:37,304 --> 00:12:39,137
It's that lady who comes
in, tries a sample,
327
00:12:39,173 --> 00:12:41,606
and then whispers about
how bad she is. Hey.
328
00:12:41,642 --> 00:12:44,476
Oh, my God, you have
chocolate macadamia nut?
329
00:12:44,511 --> 00:12:46,411
Oh, could I just try
a little sample?
330
00:12:46,447 --> 00:12:48,547
Oh, I'm so bad.
331
00:12:48,582 --> 00:12:49,981
Uh, sure.
332
00:12:50,017 --> 00:12:51,516
You gonna buy a
cookie this time?
333
00:12:51,552 --> 00:12:54,286
Oh, I better just
stick with the sample.
334
00:12:54,321 --> 00:12:55,587
I'm so bad.
335
00:12:55,622 --> 00:12:57,055
But at least
I know I'm bad,
336
00:12:57,091 --> 00:12:59,191
so that makes me
a little less bad.
337
00:12:59,226 --> 00:13:00,492
Or worse.
338
00:13:01,528 --> 00:13:04,296
That was the right thing
to do, Peter.
339
00:13:08,836 --> 00:13:10,535
Oh, boy, it's been
really slow.
340
00:13:10,571 --> 00:13:12,404
I mean, if it doesn't
pick up soon,
341
00:13:12,439 --> 00:13:14,473
we're not gonna stay
in business very long.
342
00:13:14,508 --> 00:13:16,341
Don't you worry,
Lois, you keep baking,
343
00:13:16,377 --> 00:13:17,776
I'll drum up some business.
344
00:13:17,811 --> 00:13:19,578
We just got to think
outside the box,
345
00:13:19,613 --> 00:13:21,947
like the makers of
Dreyer's ice cream.
346
00:13:21,982 --> 00:13:24,282
Guys, I've said it before,
and I'll say it again:
347
00:13:24,318 --> 00:13:25,817
When people go to
the supermarket,
348
00:13:25,853 --> 00:13:27,185
they need something
to look at
349
00:13:27,221 --> 00:13:29,454
before they choose
Haagen-Dazs.
350
00:13:35,462 --> 00:13:37,896
Hey, dude, can you pass me
a speck of Spazz?
351
00:13:37,931 --> 00:13:39,364
Sorry, brah,
all out.
352
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,066
You want a cube
of Froosh?
353
00:13:41,101 --> 00:13:42,768
Nah, I'm not into Froosh.
354
00:13:42,803 --> 00:13:44,770
I got a tear
of Laser Dragon.
355
00:13:44,805 --> 00:13:46,037
Can I handle it?
356
00:13:46,073 --> 00:13:48,507
I don't know.
Can you?
357
00:13:48,542 --> 00:13:51,276
Gum! What the hell is going on?!
358
00:13:51,311 --> 00:13:53,311
I don't know
what to do, you guys.
359
00:13:53,347 --> 00:13:55,046
The cookie shop
is tanking.
360
00:13:55,082 --> 00:13:56,281
If it fails,
we're screwed.
361
00:13:56,316 --> 00:13:57,549
My God,
what does it take
362
00:13:57,584 --> 00:13:59,418
to get people
to buy a damn cookie?
363
00:13:59,453 --> 00:14:00,786
Peter, let me
tell you something.
364
00:14:00,821 --> 00:14:02,487
I spend $600 a month
365
00:14:02,523 --> 00:14:04,356
on scented candles
at the farmer's market
366
00:14:04,391 --> 00:14:06,024
just because there's
a hot chick selling them.
367
00:14:06,059 --> 00:14:07,292
So what are you saying?
368
00:14:07,327 --> 00:14:08,794
You just bragging
about candles?
369
00:14:08,829 --> 00:14:10,262
That's a weird thing
to brag about.
370
00:14:10,297 --> 00:14:11,797
No, I'm saying
sex sells.
371
00:14:11,832 --> 00:14:13,265
Trust me,
you get a few hotties
372
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:14,533
in that cookie shop
of yours,
373
00:14:14,568 --> 00:14:16,435
I bet your sales
will go up.
374
00:14:16,470 --> 00:14:17,736
Giggity.
375
00:14:17,771 --> 00:14:19,771
That was an unearned
giggity, Quagmire.
376
00:14:19,807 --> 00:14:20,972
I said "up."
377
00:14:21,008 --> 00:14:22,174
No?
378
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:23,375
No.
No.
379
00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:25,110
Well, I'll try
anything, Quagmire,
380
00:14:25,145 --> 00:14:26,845
'cause I actually like
running that cookie shop.
381
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,513
It's way better
than that job I had
382
00:14:28,549 --> 00:14:30,482
telemarketing
to buttholes.
383
00:14:30,517 --> 00:14:31,883
Hello?
384
00:14:31,919 --> 00:14:33,084
Sorry, wrong number.
385
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,286
Hello?
386
00:14:34,321 --> 00:14:36,021
Sorry, wrong number.
387
00:14:37,291 --> 00:14:39,491
And how are you today, sir?
388
00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:45,397
Oh, my God.
389
00:14:45,432 --> 00:14:47,499
Customers.
390
00:14:49,303 --> 00:14:50,936
What the hell?
391
00:14:54,675 --> 00:14:56,274
Peter, what did you do?
392
00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:58,009
I saved our business.
393
00:14:58,045 --> 00:14:59,511
And don't worry,
I only hired women
394
00:14:59,546 --> 00:15:01,112
whose names are
cookie-related.
395
00:15:01,148 --> 00:15:03,148
Lois, meet
Cookie, Sugar,
396
00:15:03,183 --> 00:15:05,150
Spice, Cinnamon,
Brown Sugar
397
00:15:05,185 --> 00:15:06,351
and Butter.
398
00:15:06,386 --> 00:15:07,986
Oh, hey,
Butter.
399
00:15:08,021 --> 00:15:09,654
Some guys
like Butter.
400
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,945
Peter, you turned our store
into a strip club.
401
00:15:18,945 --> 00:15:20,978
And I don't like
what this place has become.
402
00:15:21,013 --> 00:15:22,946
You mean hugely
profitable?
403
00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:24,915
We made all that today?
404
00:15:24,950 --> 00:15:26,216
Well, it was
twice as much,
405
00:15:26,251 --> 00:15:28,018
but I had to bail out
Cinnamon's kid.
406
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,720
Thanks, Mr. Peter.
407
00:15:29,755 --> 00:15:32,456
This guy's the best.
408
00:15:32,491 --> 00:15:35,826
Well, I guess business
is better than ever.
409
00:15:35,861 --> 00:15:37,427
That's the spirit, Lois.
410
00:15:37,463 --> 00:15:39,296
Just you watch, we'll
be a bigger success
411
00:15:39,331 --> 00:15:41,098
than Richard Branson.
412
00:15:41,133 --> 00:15:43,400
Hey, where's the business
guy in this boardroom?
413
00:15:43,435 --> 00:15:45,635
It couldn't be that
tan, long-haired guy
414
00:15:45,671 --> 00:15:47,604
with the white linen
pants, could it?
415
00:15:47,639 --> 00:15:48,905
It is!
416
00:15:48,941 --> 00:15:51,942
And now, to my amphibious
sky submarine.
417
00:15:53,145 --> 00:15:56,747
I have way too much money!
418
00:16:04,790 --> 00:16:06,757
Come on, get-get down there,
419
00:16:06,792 --> 00:16:08,492
you old bag.
420
00:16:09,995 --> 00:16:11,895
There we go.
421
00:16:13,399 --> 00:16:14,664
Stewie, what are you doing?
422
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,433
Being awesome.
423
00:16:19,004 --> 00:16:20,170
Whoa, whoa,
wait, wait.
424
00:16:20,205 --> 00:16:21,905
You're in no
condition to drive.
425
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:24,508
I'm fine to drive.
I'm so fine.
426
00:16:24,543 --> 00:16:26,343
You s...
I can do all the tests.
427
00:16:26,378 --> 00:16:28,245
See?
I can touch my nose.
428
00:16:29,515 --> 00:16:30,814
I can touch my...
429
00:16:30,849 --> 00:16:33,316
♪ Head, shoulder, knees
and toes, knees and toes. ♪
430
00:16:33,352 --> 00:16:34,518
Stop it.
431
00:16:34,553 --> 00:16:35,819
No, you stop it.
432
00:16:35,854 --> 00:16:37,154
You stop it, Brian.
433
00:16:37,189 --> 00:16:38,221
You're interfering
434
00:16:38,257 --> 00:16:40,257
with my professional
business.
435
00:16:42,327 --> 00:16:44,161
Where's the radio?
436
00:16:46,365 --> 00:16:48,432
Oh, my God, are you okay?
437
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,934
No. I don't feel so good.
438
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:53,637
We should probably
exchange numbers.
439
00:16:53,672 --> 00:16:55,939
Okay. I'm a ten,
you're a four.
440
00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:11,188
This one's our new
chocolate white chocolate,
441
00:17:11,223 --> 00:17:13,056
and for every
dozen we sell,
442
00:17:13,091 --> 00:17:14,991
we donate 50 cents
443
00:17:15,027 --> 00:17:17,194
to Operation Smile.
444
00:17:17,230 --> 00:17:18,396
Yeah, nobody's
listening to you.
445
00:17:18,430 --> 00:17:19,596
They're all watching Sugar
446
00:17:19,631 --> 00:17:21,431
write frosting
swears on her jugs.
447
00:17:22,668 --> 00:17:25,035
She just wrote
"vagina" on her boobs.
448
00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:26,670
That doesn't even
make any sense.
449
00:17:26,705 --> 00:17:27,971
She's doing what?
450
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,272
I told her ten minutes ago
451
00:17:29,308 --> 00:17:31,141
to put another batch
of oatmeal in the oven.
452
00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:32,442
Oh, that dough
is gone, Lois.
453
00:17:32,478 --> 00:17:34,110
I warmed it up
and put it behind
454
00:17:34,146 --> 00:17:36,546
those waist-high
holes in the wall.
455
00:17:36,582 --> 00:17:38,782
Is it spaghetti?
A bowl of grapes?
456
00:17:38,817 --> 00:17:41,551
Ooh, this is the best
haunted house ever.
457
00:17:41,587 --> 00:17:43,487
Peter, this is disgusting.
458
00:17:43,522 --> 00:17:45,388
I know we made a few changes,
459
00:17:45,424 --> 00:17:48,558
but this store should
still be about selling cookies.
460
00:17:48,594 --> 00:17:51,061
Well, you're never gonna
sell any looking like that.
461
00:17:51,096 --> 00:17:53,263
There. Now you're
ready to sell cookies.
462
00:17:53,298 --> 00:17:54,464
You know what?
463
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,766
That's it. I'm done.
464
00:17:56,802 --> 00:17:59,369
I don't know why I ever
let you talk me into this...
465
00:17:59,404 --> 00:18:01,204
this...
whatever this is now.
466
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,540
It's a strip club that
gives away free cookies.
467
00:18:03,575 --> 00:18:05,542
Ugh.
468
00:18:17,656 --> 00:18:19,456
Oh, crap.
469
00:18:19,491 --> 00:18:20,991
I should've known
something was up
470
00:18:21,026 --> 00:18:23,226
when I saw all those
cars out front.
471
00:18:23,262 --> 00:18:25,161
Stewie, why don't you
come and have a seat
472
00:18:25,197 --> 00:18:26,763
with all your friends here?
473
00:18:26,798 --> 00:18:28,231
We have something
to say to you.
474
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:29,633
I'll go first.
475
00:18:29,668 --> 00:18:32,402
"Stewie, I remember
the day you were born.
476
00:18:32,437 --> 00:18:34,271
"I thought to myself,
here's a kid
477
00:18:34,306 --> 00:18:35,839
"who's got a white,
empty canvas
478
00:18:35,874 --> 00:18:37,440
stretched out
in front of him."
479
00:18:37,476 --> 00:18:39,543
Oh, please.
What... Who...
480
00:18:39,578 --> 00:18:40,844
What is this...
What is this,
481
00:18:40,879 --> 00:18:42,779
the circle
of perfect people?
482
00:18:42,814 --> 00:18:44,247
Who are you
to judge me?
483
00:18:44,283 --> 00:18:46,182
Mis-Mister...
Mister Giraffe,
484
00:18:46,218 --> 00:18:49,319
who lets l-little boys
grind on his rump.
485
00:18:49,354 --> 00:18:52,989
Mr. Octopus, who lets
little boys grind on his rump.
486
00:18:53,025 --> 00:18:54,724
Every one of you
has your own problems.
487
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,359
Yeah, but you're
the only one who almost
488
00:18:56,395 --> 00:18:57,761
killed a kid yesterday.
489
00:18:57,796 --> 00:18:59,462
Yeah, well, that's, d...
That's because that...
490
00:18:59,498 --> 00:19:01,431
'Cause, because that
kid... That's because...
491
00:19:01,466 --> 00:19:02,966
because that... 'ca...
because that kid...
492
00:19:03,001 --> 00:19:04,568
that kid...
493
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,369
I know.
494
00:19:06,405 --> 00:19:07,671
Oh, Brian.
495
00:19:07,706 --> 00:19:09,005
Who am I?
496
00:19:09,041 --> 00:19:10,941
I don't have a cough,
and my sinuses
497
00:19:10,976 --> 00:19:12,943
are remarkably
wide open.
498
00:19:12,978 --> 00:19:14,344
But I have a problem.
499
00:19:14,379 --> 00:19:16,413
Good. Admitting it
is the first step.
500
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:18,114
But don't worry,
I'll get you through it.
501
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:19,316
Thank you, Brian.
502
00:19:19,351 --> 00:19:20,717
You're welcome, Stewie.
503
00:19:20,752 --> 00:19:23,219
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to Chris's room.
504
00:19:23,255 --> 00:19:24,721
We're doing
a masturbation intervention.
505
00:19:24,756 --> 00:19:27,891
I got a bunch of his friends
sitting in a circle in there...
506
00:19:27,926 --> 00:19:29,859
Oh, dear God.
507
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,166
Oh. Hey.
508
00:19:36,201 --> 00:19:37,968
Lois, before you
say anything,
509
00:19:38,003 --> 00:19:39,843
there's something
important I want to tell you.
510
00:19:39,871 --> 00:19:42,205
After you left, I ate
cookie dough off the stomach
511
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:43,640
of a 20-year-old,
and then I vomited
512
00:19:43,675 --> 00:19:45,075
and all the girls
laughed at me,
513
00:19:45,110 --> 00:19:47,744
and then it came out that they
all think I'm fat and old.
514
00:19:47,779 --> 00:19:48,945
Is that it?
515
00:19:48,981 --> 00:19:51,114
I guess what I'm trying
to say is...
516
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,917
I was wrong to choose
sexiness over my wife.
517
00:19:54,987 --> 00:19:56,152
Peter, what are you doing?
518
00:19:56,188 --> 00:19:57,354
What-what was that?
519
00:19:57,389 --> 00:19:59,422
Oh, back at the store,
I, uh, tucked my boner
520
00:19:59,458 --> 00:20:02,025
into the waistband of my pants
and now it's sitting weird.
521
00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:03,693
That's your apology?
522
00:20:03,729 --> 00:20:06,496
Well, that and this.
523
00:20:10,636 --> 00:20:11,801
Oh, Peter, did...
524
00:20:11,837 --> 00:20:13,370
did you bake this?
525
00:20:13,405 --> 00:20:15,872
Yeah. I love you, Lois.
526
00:20:15,907 --> 00:20:17,540
I really liked
having a store with you,
527
00:20:17,576 --> 00:20:19,643
and I'm...
I'm sorry I messed it up.
528
00:20:19,678 --> 00:20:21,778
I was only trying to help.
529
00:20:21,813 --> 00:20:23,647
I know, Peter.
530
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:25,882
So you want
to split this with me?
531
00:20:25,917 --> 00:20:28,051
Uh, I wouldn't.
Butter helped me with it,
532
00:20:28,086 --> 00:20:30,387
and she has
chlamydia fingers.
533
00:20:34,059 --> 00:20:36,159
Well, it was fun
having our own store.
534
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,694
But from now on,
my cookies
535
00:20:37,729 --> 00:20:39,896
are only
for these customers.
536
00:20:39,931 --> 00:20:42,365
Oh, Mom.
537
00:20:42,401 --> 00:20:44,434
So, Mom, what are you
gonna do with the shop?
538
00:20:44,469 --> 00:20:45,869
Well, I talked
to the bank,
539
00:20:45,904 --> 00:20:48,038
and they agreed
to take it back.
540
00:20:48,073 --> 00:20:50,040
Me love Cookie. Om, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom...
541
00:20:50,075 --> 00:20:56,575
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man