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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 13x03 ♪ Baking Bad
Original Air Date on October 19, 2014
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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We now return to Hotel TV,
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the station that makes you feel
like you're at a hotel
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when you're not at a hotel.
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Have a romantic drink
by the concourse fountain.
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00:00:43,975 --> 00:00:46,609
Or you can watch the big game
at Chopper's Bar and Grill,
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00:00:46,645 --> 00:00:48,778
where they'll be pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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Or maybe you're in the mood
for something
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00:00:50,315 --> 00:00:51,581
a little more exotic.
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Try Jose Gato's Brazilian Steakhouse.
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With rooftop views,
plus a fine selection
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of blended rum drinks.
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At the end of the night,
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you won't want to say,
"Boa noite."
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And you won't have to,
'cause Chopper's is open,
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where they're pouring
till 2:00 a.m.
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Should we go to Chopper's?
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We interrupt this program
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to bring you a Chanel 5 News
special report.
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Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
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Tragedy stuck Haiti today
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as the island nation was rocked
by a major earthquake,
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leaving thousands dead and injured.
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Coming up, local newsman
shows a camera operator
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how to center a shot.
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There we go.
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There, there's Tom.
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There's the star.
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Oh, my God.
That's terrible about Haiti.
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We got to do something to help.
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No, we don't.
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Relax. I'm sure Wyclef Jean
has got it all under control.
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I've always talked about
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00:01:37,429 --> 00:01:38,895
wanting to help in these situations,
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but I never follow through.
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00:01:40,632 --> 00:01:42,899
Well, this time, I'm
really gonna do it.
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I'm gonna start a blood drive.
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Good for you, Lois.
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You'll be a local hero,
like Paul Revere.
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The British will be here soon.
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We shall stand our ground and
fight them to the death!
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00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:53,943
Yes! Yes!
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Although...
I mean, one of us
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should probably warn everyone.
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You know... that the
British are coming.
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I mean, not me.
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I mean, I want to fight.
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I mean, oh, shoot...
I've got the horse.
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00:02:02,454 --> 00:02:04,621
I mean, but if anyone else wants to go?
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I'll go.
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No one?
All right.
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I'll make sure everyone
remembers your names!
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Wow, Lois, you really
got a great turnout
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for the blood drive.
Oh, yeah.
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The whole thing's going off
without a hitch.
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Well, except for that mosquito
who keeps trying to sneak in.
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Hi. I'm the new nurse.
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Get out of here!
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This blood's not for you!
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Aw...
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Oh, look, an empty tire
with some water in it.
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All right, I'm happy again.
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I'm gonna go ahead and thank
you for donating blood today.
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Donating?!
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I thought we were getting paid!
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Peter, everyone else here
has donated except you.
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That's not true.
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That guy over there didn't donate.
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That's still you, Peter.
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Oh. Well, if I got to donate,
he's got to donate, too.
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You, get in here!
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Sucker!
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Son of a bitch!
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00:03:02,981 --> 00:03:05,515
Lois! Lois!
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Mommy!
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Stewie, what's going on?
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You should be asleep by now.
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I can't sleep, Brian.
Where's the woman?
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I need her to read me a bedtime story.
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Oh, she's busy with the blood drive.
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Maybe I can help.
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How about I read you this book?
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It's called Apathetic George.
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"George used to be a curious monkey,
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"but after a month in captivity,
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"all he did was wait for food.
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"The zoo people wanted him to mate,
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"but he lost interest in that, too.
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"20 years and millions of dollars
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in zoo revenue later,
he died."
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Okay, I've had enough.
All right, you know what,
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00:03:33,878 --> 00:03:36,045
I know something that will help
you sleep. Wait here.
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00:03:36,081 --> 00:03:38,247
Well, I hope so.
Because I've tried everything.
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Counting sheep,
thinking sleepy thoughts.
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00:03:40,485 --> 00:03:42,552
I even hired the Sandman.
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00:03:42,587 --> 00:03:44,487
Sand and sand and sand and sand
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00:03:44,522 --> 00:03:47,390
and sand and sand and good night!
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Okay, I'll give you a tiny bit of this.
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It should help you sleep.
What is it?
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00:03:51,062 --> 00:03:52,795
It's cough syrup.
It's not really for kids,
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00:03:52,831 --> 00:03:54,831
but a capful is pretty harmless.
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Mmm.
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00:03:57,202 --> 00:04:00,670
Oh, so this is what Lil Wayne
keeps almost dying from.
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00:04:00,705 --> 00:04:02,939
Ah, this is so relaxing.
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00:04:02,974 --> 00:04:04,674
I could get used to this.
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00:04:04,709 --> 00:04:07,677
Like the way I got used to
wearing European diapers.
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00:04:07,712 --> 00:04:09,045
Don't mind me.
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00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,080
I'm just grabbing
a little cheese and vino.
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00:04:14,119 --> 00:04:15,918
If anybody needs me, I'll be poolside
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00:04:15,954 --> 00:04:19,756
next to my weirdly hot
girlfriend with dark teeth.
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00:04:24,562 --> 00:04:26,029
Well, Lois, I'm done giving blood.
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00:04:26,064 --> 00:04:27,230
Just ask this guy.
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00:04:27,265 --> 00:04:28,564
Is true, Lois.
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I sucked him dry.
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He gave a blood donation as well.
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00:04:32,070 --> 00:04:34,037
Peter, knock it off.
Just give some blood,
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00:04:34,072 --> 00:04:35,972
get your cookie and be done with it.
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00:04:36,007 --> 00:04:37,640
Cookie?
Yes, Peter.
129
00:04:37,675 --> 00:04:39,842
There are cookies
for everyone who donates.
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00:04:39,878 --> 00:04:41,277
Well, I already ate two wedding cakes,
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00:04:41,312 --> 00:04:43,146
but I guess I could go for a cookie.
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All right, I'll do it.
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00:04:44,315 --> 00:04:46,349
Peter, you're doing a good thing.
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00:04:46,384 --> 00:04:48,551
Thanks, Lois, but you got
to promise you'll warn me
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00:04:48,586 --> 00:04:50,153
before they stick that needle in me.
136
00:04:50,188 --> 00:04:52,422
Actually, we just finished.
137
00:04:52,457 --> 00:04:54,357
Wow, that wasn't so bad.
138
00:04:54,392 --> 00:04:57,026
See, Peter? And now
you can have a cookie.
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00:04:57,062 --> 00:04:58,494
Oh, awesome!
140
00:04:58,530 --> 00:05:02,098
Mmm. Mmm. Oh, my God,
Th-these are delicious.
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00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:03,766
Lois, you made these?
142
00:05:03,802 --> 00:05:06,235
Yeah, I found one
of my grandmother's old recipes,
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00:05:06,271 --> 00:05:09,372
so I thought I'd make a special
batch for the blood drive.
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00:05:09,407 --> 00:05:11,974
Well, I'm glad you did.
These cookies are amazing.
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00:05:12,010 --> 00:05:14,977
They're even tastier
than Connie Britton's hair.
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00:05:19,017 --> 00:05:21,184
Mmm. God, your
hair is delicious.
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00:05:21,219 --> 00:05:22,652
Who are you?
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00:05:22,687 --> 00:05:25,588
I'm the guy who killed your bodyguard.
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Coming this fall to every network,
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00:05:31,062 --> 00:05:34,964
your favorite sitcom lines
preceded by the word "uh."
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00:05:34,999 --> 00:05:36,966
Uh, knock much?
152
00:05:39,671 --> 00:05:42,305
Uh, that just happened.
153
00:05:44,509 --> 00:05:47,143
Uh, so I guess this is a thing now?
154
00:05:47,178 --> 00:05:49,145
Uh, yeah, no.
155
00:05:49,180 --> 00:05:51,080
Uh, awkward.
156
00:05:52,517 --> 00:05:55,485
TV, that thing you used to watch.
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00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:56,986
Oh, these are incredible.
158
00:05:57,021 --> 00:05:58,254
Hey, you know something?
159
00:05:58,289 --> 00:06:00,523
If we sold these, we could
make a ton of money.
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00:06:00,558 --> 00:06:02,291
Maybe we should open
our own cookie store.
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00:06:02,327 --> 00:06:04,427
Are you serious?
Yeah, why not?
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00:06:04,462 --> 00:06:06,395
I mean, if George Foreman
can make electric grills,
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00:06:06,431 --> 00:06:07,797
we can do this.
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00:06:07,832 --> 00:06:10,066
I mean, I've seen that guy
get punched in the face
165
00:06:10,101 --> 00:06:12,001
a thousand times, and now
he's making science stuff.
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00:06:12,036 --> 00:06:14,403
Who'd think that idiot
would still be walking around
167
00:06:14,439 --> 00:06:16,772
and Muhammad Ali
can't even talk anymore?
168
00:06:16,808 --> 00:06:19,308
You know, having our own store
could be kind of fun.
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00:06:19,344 --> 00:06:21,344
And you'd really do it with me?
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00:06:21,379 --> 00:06:22,612
Absolutely.
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00:06:22,647 --> 00:06:26,149
Oh, Peter, that actually sounds
kind of romantic.
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00:06:26,184 --> 00:06:29,752
I always wanted you and me
to work on a project together.
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00:06:29,787 --> 00:06:31,487
Oh, let's do it!
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00:06:31,523 --> 00:06:34,090
All right! Now, let's
turn up the TV real loud
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00:06:34,125 --> 00:06:36,893
so the kids can't hear us having sex.
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00:06:36,928 --> 00:06:38,728
Aah! Aah!
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00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:41,631
Sex! Sex!
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00:06:49,820 --> 00:06:52,120
There's my handsome business partner.
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00:06:52,156 --> 00:06:54,657
Now, we can't be late for
our meeting with the bank.
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00:06:54,692 --> 00:06:57,126
That's so cool you guys
are gonna open a business.
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00:06:57,161 --> 00:06:59,328
Yeah, well, I got a ton
of business experience.
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00:06:59,364 --> 00:07:00,997
I mean, I had that job creating ads
183
00:07:01,032 --> 00:07:03,299
for the North Dakota board of tourism.
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00:07:03,334 --> 00:07:04,967
Hi. Do you like South Dakota
185
00:07:05,003 --> 00:07:06,802
but don't want to see Mount Rushmore?
186
00:07:06,838 --> 00:07:08,271
Come to North Dakota.
187
00:07:08,306 --> 00:07:10,673
It's just a very long drive
from wherever you live.
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00:07:10,708 --> 00:07:12,775
Best of all,
most of the good license plates
189
00:07:12,810 --> 00:07:14,043
aren't taken yet.
190
00:07:14,078 --> 00:07:16,646
Imagine coming here
and having "Cool Dude"
191
00:07:16,681 --> 00:07:18,648
or "Yay Jews"
192
00:07:18,683 --> 00:07:20,483
or "Boo Jews,"
193
00:07:20,518 --> 00:07:22,685
depending on where you stand on Jews.
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00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,621
North Dakota.
We're not even the best Dakota.
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00:07:26,658 --> 00:07:28,291
Stewie, what are you doing?
196
00:07:28,326 --> 00:07:30,826
Huh? Oh, Brian,
oh, there you are.
197
00:07:30,862 --> 00:07:33,829
I've been... I've been looking
all over the table for you.
198
00:07:33,865 --> 00:07:36,832
You know, I've got to tell
you, this stuff you gave me
199
00:07:36,868 --> 00:07:39,101
was a lifesaver last night.
200
00:07:39,137 --> 00:07:40,803
I was out like a light.
201
00:07:40,838 --> 00:07:43,806
And, you know, normally,
I'm up five or six times
202
00:07:43,841 --> 00:07:46,809
to scream and defecate.
But you know what?
203
00:07:46,844 --> 00:07:48,477
I slept straight through.
204
00:07:48,513 --> 00:07:50,413
Stewie, I told you,
there's alcohol in that.
205
00:07:50,448 --> 00:07:51,981
It's not for kids.
206
00:07:52,016 --> 00:07:55,318
You're not for kids.
207
00:07:55,353 --> 00:07:57,320
Stewie, you're drunk.
208
00:07:57,355 --> 00:07:59,322
Oh, Brian's all serious.
209
00:07:59,357 --> 00:08:01,657
"Oh, I don't... I don't
drink in the morning
210
00:08:01,693 --> 00:08:03,292
because I've got
to land a plane."
211
00:08:04,595 --> 00:08:06,829
All right, come on, I've got
to drive you to daycare.
212
00:08:06,864 --> 00:08:09,832
Okay, okay, it's all right.
C-Calm down, calm down.
213
00:08:09,867 --> 00:08:11,834
Uh, uh, oh. Oh, I think I...
214
00:08:11,869 --> 00:08:14,937
I think I've put my shoes
on the wrong feet.
215
00:08:14,973 --> 00:08:16,906
Is it 9:15 already?
216
00:08:16,941 --> 00:08:18,941
Lois, we got to go!
217
00:08:25,383 --> 00:08:27,750
You know, I've got all
the papers for the loan officer,
218
00:08:27,785 --> 00:08:30,353
but, I got to admit,
I'm a little nervous.
219
00:08:30,388 --> 00:08:32,688
Don't worry, we're gonna
get this loan, no problem.
220
00:08:32,724 --> 00:08:34,957
And if you get nervous,
just do what I always do,
221
00:08:34,993 --> 00:08:36,625
picture your audience naked.
222
00:08:36,661 --> 00:08:38,361
Good afternoon,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
223
00:08:38,396 --> 00:08:40,696
Aah! Get that enormous
thing out of my face!
224
00:08:40,732 --> 00:08:43,366
I'll be your loan officer,
so why don't you have a seat
225
00:08:43,401 --> 00:08:45,067
and tell me about your business.
226
00:08:45,103 --> 00:08:46,302
Our business is cookies.
227
00:08:46,337 --> 00:08:47,803
Now let me ask you a question.
228
00:08:47,839 --> 00:08:49,805
You ever heard of money?
Yes.
229
00:08:49,841 --> 00:08:51,807
Good, good. We're
on the same page.
230
00:08:51,843 --> 00:08:53,609
Now, sir, let me ask
you something else.
231
00:08:53,644 --> 00:08:56,946
Can you name one successful
company that isn't cookie-based?
232
00:08:56,981 --> 00:08:58,347
Microsoft.
233
00:08:58,383 --> 00:09:00,282
Peter, I'll handle this.
234
00:09:00,318 --> 00:09:03,019
Uh, my husband and I would like
to open a cookie store.
235
00:09:03,054 --> 00:09:04,353
We've done all the research,
236
00:09:04,389 --> 00:09:07,023
and I'm very confident
we can turn a profit.
237
00:09:07,058 --> 00:09:10,226
I've brought some samples
if you'd like to try one.
238
00:09:10,261 --> 00:09:11,827
She said one.
239
00:09:11,863 --> 00:09:13,863
Take one.
240
00:09:15,333 --> 00:09:17,967
Mmm. Well,
these are delicious.
241
00:09:18,002 --> 00:09:21,771
Let me just run this by my supervisor.
242
00:09:21,806 --> 00:09:23,472
Yes!
243
00:09:23,508 --> 00:09:25,641
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin,
this bank would like
244
00:09:25,676 --> 00:09:27,176
to help you start your business.
245
00:09:27,211 --> 00:09:29,845
Really?!
Oh, that's fantastic!
246
00:09:29,881 --> 00:09:31,380
And if you have any other questions,
247
00:09:31,416 --> 00:09:34,250
you can call me at any time.
248
00:09:36,354 --> 00:09:37,653
Hello?
249
00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:40,723
How far away are the stars?
250
00:09:46,030 --> 00:09:47,830
Brian! Brian!
251
00:09:47,865 --> 00:09:49,698
Hold-hold on one second.
252
00:09:49,734 --> 00:09:51,534
I'll be right with you,
Mr. Duckford.
253
00:09:51,569 --> 00:09:53,536
Brian!
What?
254
00:09:53,571 --> 00:09:57,073
Let's order... I was just
thinking, let's order a kebab.
255
00:09:57,108 --> 00:09:59,075
A what?
A kebab.
256
00:09:59,110 --> 00:10:01,077
But I... but I want it
in this order:
257
00:10:01,112 --> 00:10:05,081
vegetable, meat, meat, vegetable, meat.
258
00:10:05,116 --> 00:10:08,084
And, uh, Mr. Duckford
would like some quackers.
259
00:10:08,119 --> 00:10:10,419
Can I leave now?
260
00:10:10,455 --> 00:10:13,422
No, no, Bri... No, you can't.
Brian, I need your help.
261
00:10:13,458 --> 00:10:16,559
I've made a series
of small poops in my bath,
262
00:10:16,594 --> 00:10:19,228
and I need you to scoop them out
with this fishnet.
263
00:10:19,263 --> 00:10:21,230
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
You have to.
264
00:10:21,265 --> 00:10:23,132
You're my butler.
I'm not your butler.
265
00:10:23,167 --> 00:10:25,234
I know, but wouldn't
it be great if you were?
266
00:10:25,269 --> 00:10:27,236
It'd be... I'd be so happy.
267
00:10:27,271 --> 00:10:29,905
In fact, the only thing
that would make me happier is...
268
00:10:29,941 --> 00:10:33,242
would... is... would be if this
tub was filled with "yawgurt."
269
00:10:33,277 --> 00:10:35,377
Can you... can you get me
some yawgurt?
270
00:10:35,413 --> 00:10:37,379
Is the yawgurt shop still open?
271
00:10:37,415 --> 00:10:40,249
Is there... is there some place
to dial up yawgurt?
272
00:10:40,284 --> 00:10:42,585
Stop saying that.
What's the best skin yawgurt?
273
00:10:42,620 --> 00:10:45,121
Who can... who can prepare me
a nice yawgurt treatment?
274
00:10:45,156 --> 00:10:47,790
If you say it like that one
more time, I'm gonna drown you.
275
00:10:47,825 --> 00:10:49,792
Yawgurt. Uh, see?
276
00:10:49,827 --> 00:10:51,794
You're not... you're not
gonna do anything.
277
00:10:51,829 --> 00:10:56,132
Hey, hey, Brian,
am I a good little guy?
278
00:10:59,737 --> 00:11:01,971
This space will be perfect, Peter.
279
00:11:02,006 --> 00:11:03,172
Yeah, it sure will, Lois.
280
00:11:03,207 --> 00:11:05,241
Now all we got to do is name the store.
281
00:11:05,276 --> 00:11:06,475
Ooh, ooh, I got it.
282
00:11:06,511 --> 00:11:07,843
Peter's Wife's Cookies.
283
00:11:07,879 --> 00:11:09,278
I love it.
284
00:11:09,313 --> 00:11:10,579
And I love you.
285
00:11:10,615 --> 00:11:12,148
Really?
Yes.
286
00:11:12,183 --> 00:11:14,350
You know, we did so-so
building a family,
287
00:11:14,385 --> 00:11:15,618
but this business...
288
00:11:15,653 --> 00:11:18,020
I think we can really
knock it out of the park.
289
00:11:18,055 --> 00:11:19,455
Oh, we sure can, Lois.
290
00:11:19,490 --> 00:11:20,789
We're gonna be a great team.
291
00:11:20,825 --> 00:11:23,759
Like Moses and his buddy who
liked to collect seashells.
292
00:11:27,965 --> 00:11:29,965
Yay!
293
00:11:37,074 --> 00:11:39,241
I can't believe it, Peter.
294
00:11:39,277 --> 00:11:40,876
Our first day of business.
295
00:11:40,912 --> 00:11:42,411
All right. Well,
we have got work to do,
296
00:11:42,446 --> 00:11:44,513
so let's roll up our sleeves
and get right to it.
297
00:11:44,549 --> 00:11:46,215
There's a lot to do,
so we can't be afraid
298
00:11:46,250 --> 00:11:48,184
to just roll up our sleeves
and get the job done.
299
00:11:48,219 --> 00:11:49,718
We can't be hands-off managers.
300
00:11:49,754 --> 00:11:51,720
We got to roll up our sleeves
and just dig in.
301
00:11:51,756 --> 00:11:53,556
Peter, your arms are turning purple.
302
00:11:53,591 --> 00:11:56,158
Purple with success.
That's the color of money.
303
00:11:56,194 --> 00:11:58,594
You got to do the work of two
men and pay yourself for one.
304
00:11:58,629 --> 00:12:00,996
Just roll up those sleeves
and address the task at hand,
305
00:12:01,032 --> 00:12:03,265
whatever it may be, not shying
away from the dirty work,
306
00:12:03,301 --> 00:12:05,401
but just rolling up our sleeves
and having at it.
307
00:12:05,436 --> 00:12:07,303
Success is not given.
It is taken.
308
00:12:07,338 --> 00:12:10,072
It's time to get in the game
and get dirty.
309
00:12:10,107 --> 00:12:12,107
All right, I'm going to lunch.
310
00:12:17,281 --> 00:12:19,181
Uh, yes, I'd like
a chocolate chip cookie.
311
00:12:19,217 --> 00:12:20,482
Elmer!
312
00:12:20,518 --> 00:12:22,484
What, Mom? You promised
I could get a cookie
313
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:23,786
if I finished all my surgery.
314
00:12:23,821 --> 00:12:25,154
Did you?
315
00:12:25,189 --> 00:12:26,789
Yeah.
All of it?
316
00:12:26,824 --> 00:12:29,225
Um...
Get back there.
317
00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:30,426
I'm gonna do it.
318
00:12:30,461 --> 00:12:33,062
What does it matter when I do it?
319
00:12:38,436 --> 00:12:40,169
Lois, Lois, lock the door.
Why?
320
00:12:40,204 --> 00:12:42,037
It's that lady who comes
in, tries a sample,
321
00:12:42,073 --> 00:12:44,506
and then whispers about
how bad she is. Hey.
322
00:12:44,542 --> 00:12:47,376
Oh, my God, you have
chocolate macadamia nut?
323
00:12:47,411 --> 00:12:49,311
Oh, could I just try a little sample?
324
00:12:49,347 --> 00:12:51,447
Oh, I'm so bad.
325
00:12:51,482 --> 00:12:52,881
Uh, sure.
326
00:12:52,917 --> 00:12:54,416
You gonna buy a cookie this time?
327
00:12:54,452 --> 00:12:57,186
Oh, I better just
stick with the sample.
328
00:12:57,221 --> 00:12:58,487
I'm so bad.
329
00:12:58,522 --> 00:12:59,955
But at least I know I'm bad,
330
00:12:59,991 --> 00:13:02,091
so that makes me a little less bad.
331
00:13:02,126 --> 00:13:03,392
Or worse.
332
00:13:04,428 --> 00:13:07,196
That was the right thing to do, Peter.
333
00:13:11,736 --> 00:13:13,435
Oh, boy, it's been really slow.
334
00:13:13,471 --> 00:13:15,304
I mean, if it doesn't pick up soon,
335
00:13:15,339 --> 00:13:17,373
we're not gonna stay
in business very long.
336
00:13:17,408 --> 00:13:19,241
Don't you worry, Lois, you keep baking,
337
00:13:19,277 --> 00:13:20,676
I'll drum up some business.
338
00:13:20,711 --> 00:13:22,478
We just got to think outside the box,
339
00:13:22,513 --> 00:13:24,847
like the makers of Dreyer's ice cream.
340
00:13:24,882 --> 00:13:27,182
Guys, I've said it before,
and I'll say it again:
341
00:13:27,218 --> 00:13:28,717
When people go to the supermarket,
342
00:13:28,753 --> 00:13:30,085
they need something to look at
343
00:13:30,121 --> 00:13:32,354
before they choose
Haagen-Dazs.
344
00:13:38,362 --> 00:13:40,796
Hey, dude, can you pass me
a speck of Spazz?
345
00:13:40,831 --> 00:13:42,264
Sorry, brah, all out.
346
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:43,966
You want a cube of Froosh?
347
00:13:44,001 --> 00:13:45,668
Nah, I'm not into Froosh.
348
00:13:45,703 --> 00:13:47,670
I got a tear of Laser Dragon.
349
00:13:47,705 --> 00:13:48,937
Can I handle it?
350
00:13:48,973 --> 00:13:51,407
I don't know.
Can you?
351
00:13:51,442 --> 00:13:54,176
Gum! What the hell is going on?!
352
00:13:54,211 --> 00:13:56,211
I don't know what to do, you guys.
353
00:13:56,247 --> 00:13:57,946
The cookie shop is tanking.
354
00:13:57,982 --> 00:13:59,181
If it fails, we're screwed.
355
00:13:59,216 --> 00:14:00,449
My God, what does it take
356
00:14:00,484 --> 00:14:02,318
to get people to buy a damn cookie?
357
00:14:02,353 --> 00:14:03,686
Peter, let me tell you something.
358
00:14:03,721 --> 00:14:05,387
I spend $600 a month
359
00:14:05,423 --> 00:14:07,256
on scented candles
at the farmer's market
360
00:14:07,291 --> 00:14:08,924
just because there's
a hot chick selling them.
361
00:14:08,959 --> 00:14:10,192
So what are you saying?
362
00:14:10,227 --> 00:14:11,694
You just bragging about candles?
363
00:14:11,729 --> 00:14:13,162
That's a weird thing to brag about.
364
00:14:13,197 --> 00:14:14,697
No, I'm saying sex sells.
365
00:14:14,732 --> 00:14:16,165
Trust me, you get a few hotties
366
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,335
in that cookie shop of yours,
I bet your sales will go up.
367
00:14:19,370 --> 00:14:20,636
Giggity.
368
00:14:20,671 --> 00:14:22,671
That was an unearned giggity, Quagmire.
369
00:14:22,707 --> 00:14:23,872
I said "up."
370
00:14:23,908 --> 00:14:25,074
No?
371
00:14:25,109 --> 00:14:26,275
No.
No.
372
00:14:26,310 --> 00:14:28,010
Well, I'll try anything, Quagmire,
373
00:14:28,045 --> 00:14:29,745
'cause I actually like
running that cookie shop.
374
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,413
It's way better than that job I had
375
00:14:31,449 --> 00:14:33,382
telemarketing to buttholes.
376
00:14:33,417 --> 00:14:34,783
Hello?
377
00:14:34,819 --> 00:14:35,984
Sorry, wrong number.
378
00:14:36,020 --> 00:14:37,186
Hello?
379
00:14:37,221 --> 00:14:38,921
Sorry, wrong number.
380
00:14:40,191 --> 00:14:42,391
And how are you today, sir?
381
00:14:46,430 --> 00:14:48,297
Oh, my God.
382
00:14:48,332 --> 00:14:50,399
Customers.
383
00:14:52,203 --> 00:14:53,836
What the hell?
384
00:14:57,575 --> 00:14:59,174
Peter, what did you do?
385
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:00,909
I saved our business.
386
00:15:00,945 --> 00:15:02,411
And don't worry, I only hired women
387
00:15:02,446 --> 00:15:04,012
whose names are
cookie-related.
388
00:15:04,048 --> 00:15:08,050
Lois, meet Cookie, Sugar,
Spice, Cinnamon, Brown Sugar
389
00:15:08,085 --> 00:15:09,251
and Butter.
390
00:15:09,286 --> 00:15:10,886
Oh, hey, Butter.
391
00:15:10,921 --> 00:15:12,554
Some guys like Butter.
392
00:15:20,316 --> 00:15:22,844
Peter, you turned our store
into a strip club.
393
00:15:22,845 --> 00:15:24,878
And I don't like
what this place has become.
394
00:15:24,913 --> 00:15:26,846
You mean hugely profitable?
395
00:15:26,881 --> 00:15:28,815
We made all that today?
396
00:15:28,850 --> 00:15:30,116
Well, it was twice as much,
397
00:15:30,151 --> 00:15:31,918
but I had to bail out Cinnamon's kid.
398
00:15:31,953 --> 00:15:33,620
Thanks, Mr. Peter.
399
00:15:33,655 --> 00:15:36,356
This guy's the best.
400
00:15:36,391 --> 00:15:39,726
Well, I guess business
is better than ever.
401
00:15:39,761 --> 00:15:41,327
That's the spirit, Lois.
402
00:15:41,363 --> 00:15:43,196
Just you watch, we'll
be a bigger success
403
00:15:43,231 --> 00:15:44,998
than Richard Branson.
404
00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:47,300
Hey, where's the business
guy in this boardroom?
405
00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:49,535
It couldn't be that
tan, long-haired guy
406
00:15:49,571 --> 00:15:51,504
with the white linen pants, could it?
407
00:15:51,539 --> 00:15:52,805
It is!
408
00:15:52,841 --> 00:15:55,842
And now, to my amphibious
sky submarine.
409
00:15:57,045 --> 00:16:00,647
I have way too much money!
410
00:16:08,690 --> 00:16:12,392
Come on, get-get down
there, you old bag.
411
00:16:13,895 --> 00:16:15,795
There we go.
412
00:16:17,299 --> 00:16:18,564
Stewie, what are you doing?
413
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,333
Being awesome.
414
00:16:22,904 --> 00:16:24,070
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
415
00:16:24,105 --> 00:16:25,805
You're in no condition to drive.
416
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,408
I'm fine to drive.
I'm so fine.
417
00:16:28,443 --> 00:16:30,243
You s...
I can do all the tests.
418
00:16:30,278 --> 00:16:32,145
See?
I can touch my nose.
419
00:16:33,415 --> 00:16:34,714
I can touch my...
420
00:16:34,749 --> 00:16:37,216
♪ Head, shoulder, knees
and toes, knees and toes. ♪
421
00:16:37,252 --> 00:16:38,418
Stop it.
422
00:16:38,453 --> 00:16:39,719
No, you stop it.
423
00:16:39,754 --> 00:16:41,054
You stop it, Brian.
424
00:16:41,089 --> 00:16:44,157
You're interfering with
my professional business.
425
00:16:46,227 --> 00:16:48,061
Where's the radio?
426
00:16:50,265 --> 00:16:52,332
Oh, my God, are you okay?
427
00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:54,834
No. I don't feel so good.
428
00:16:54,869 --> 00:16:57,537
We should probably exchange numbers.
429
00:16:57,572 --> 00:16:59,839
Okay. I'm a ten,
you're a four.
430
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:15,088
This one's our new
chocolate white chocolate,
431
00:17:15,123 --> 00:17:18,891
and for every dozen we
sell, we donate 50 cents
432
00:17:18,927 --> 00:17:21,094
to Operation Smile.
433
00:17:21,130 --> 00:17:22,296
Yeah, nobody's listening to you.
434
00:17:22,330 --> 00:17:23,496
They're all watching Sugar
435
00:17:23,531 --> 00:17:25,331
write frosting swears on her jugs.
436
00:17:26,568 --> 00:17:28,935
She just wrote "vagina" on her boobs.
437
00:17:28,970 --> 00:17:30,570
That doesn't even make any sense.
438
00:17:30,605 --> 00:17:31,871
She's doing what?
439
00:17:31,906 --> 00:17:33,172
I told her ten minutes ago
440
00:17:33,208 --> 00:17:35,041
to put another batch
of oatmeal in the oven.
441
00:17:35,076 --> 00:17:36,342
Oh, that dough is gone, Lois.
442
00:17:36,378 --> 00:17:38,010
I warmed it up and put it behind
443
00:17:38,046 --> 00:17:40,446
those waist-high
holes in the wall.
444
00:17:40,482 --> 00:17:42,682
Is it spaghetti?
A bowl of grapes?
445
00:17:42,717 --> 00:17:45,451
Ooh, this is the best
haunted house ever.
446
00:17:45,487 --> 00:17:47,387
Peter, this is disgusting.
447
00:17:47,422 --> 00:17:49,288
I know we made a few changes,
448
00:17:49,324 --> 00:17:52,458
but this store should
still be about selling cookies.
449
00:17:52,494 --> 00:17:54,961
Well, you're never gonna
sell any looking like that.
450
00:17:54,996 --> 00:17:57,163
There. Now you're
ready to sell cookies.
451
00:17:57,198 --> 00:17:58,364
You know what?
452
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,666
That's it. I'm done.
453
00:18:00,702 --> 00:18:03,269
I don't know why I ever
let you talk me into this...
454
00:18:03,304 --> 00:18:05,104
this...
whatever this is now.
455
00:18:05,140 --> 00:18:07,440
It's a strip club that
gives away free cookies.
456
00:18:07,475 --> 00:18:09,442
Ugh.
457
00:18:21,556 --> 00:18:23,356
Oh, crap.
458
00:18:23,391 --> 00:18:24,891
I should've known something was up
459
00:18:24,926 --> 00:18:27,126
when I saw all those cars out front.
460
00:18:27,162 --> 00:18:29,061
Stewie, why don't you
come and have a seat
461
00:18:29,097 --> 00:18:30,663
with all your friends here?
462
00:18:30,698 --> 00:18:32,131
We have something to say to you.
463
00:18:32,167 --> 00:18:33,533
I'll go first.
464
00:18:33,568 --> 00:18:36,302
"Stewie, I remember
the day you were born.
465
00:18:36,337 --> 00:18:38,171
"I thought to myself, here's a kid
466
00:18:38,206 --> 00:18:39,739
"who's got a white, empty canvas
467
00:18:39,774 --> 00:18:41,340
stretched out
in front of him."
468
00:18:41,376 --> 00:18:43,443
Oh, please.
What... Who...
469
00:18:43,478 --> 00:18:44,744
What is this...
What is this,
470
00:18:44,779 --> 00:18:46,679
the circle of perfect people?
471
00:18:46,714 --> 00:18:48,147
Who are you to judge me?
472
00:18:48,183 --> 00:18:50,082
Mis-Mister...
Mister Giraffe,
473
00:18:50,118 --> 00:18:53,219
who lets l-little boys
grind on his rump.
474
00:18:53,254 --> 00:18:56,889
Mr. Octopus, who lets
little boys grind on his rump.
475
00:18:56,925 --> 00:18:58,624
Every one of you has your own problems.
476
00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:00,259
Yeah, but you're
the only one who almost
477
00:19:00,295 --> 00:19:01,661
killed a kid yesterday.
478
00:19:01,696 --> 00:19:03,362
Yeah, well, that's, d...
That's because that...
479
00:19:03,398 --> 00:19:05,331
'Cause, because that
kid... That's because...
480
00:19:05,366 --> 00:19:06,866
because that... 'ca...
because that kid...
481
00:19:06,901 --> 00:19:08,468
that kid...
482
00:19:08,503 --> 00:19:10,269
I know.
483
00:19:10,305 --> 00:19:11,571
Oh, Brian.
484
00:19:11,606 --> 00:19:12,905
Who am I?
485
00:19:12,941 --> 00:19:14,841
I don't have a cough, and my sinuses
486
00:19:14,876 --> 00:19:16,843
are remarkably wide open.
487
00:19:16,878 --> 00:19:18,244
But I have a problem.
488
00:19:18,279 --> 00:19:20,313
Good. Admitting it
is the first step.
489
00:19:20,348 --> 00:19:22,014
But don't worry,
I'll get you through it.
490
00:19:22,050 --> 00:19:23,216
Thank you, Brian.
491
00:19:23,251 --> 00:19:24,617
You're welcome, Stewie.
492
00:19:24,652 --> 00:19:27,119
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go to Chris's room.
493
00:19:27,155 --> 00:19:28,621
We're doing
a masturbation intervention.
494
00:19:28,656 --> 00:19:31,791
I got a bunch of his friends
sitting in a circle in there...
495
00:19:31,826 --> 00:19:33,759
Oh, dear God.
496
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,066
Oh. Hey.
497
00:19:40,101 --> 00:19:41,868
Lois, before you say anything,
498
00:19:41,903 --> 00:19:43,743
there's something
important I want to tell you.
499
00:19:43,771 --> 00:19:46,105
After you left, I ate
cookie dough off the stomach
500
00:19:46,140 --> 00:19:47,540
of a 20-year-old,
and then I vomited
501
00:19:47,575 --> 00:19:48,975
and all the girls laughed at me,
502
00:19:49,010 --> 00:19:51,644
and then it came out that they
all think I'm fat and old.
503
00:19:51,679 --> 00:19:52,845
Is that it?
504
00:19:52,881 --> 00:19:55,014
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
505
00:19:55,049 --> 00:19:57,817
I was wrong to choose
sexiness over my wife.
506
00:19:58,887 --> 00:20:00,052
Peter, what are you doing?
507
00:20:00,088 --> 00:20:01,254
What-what was that?
508
00:20:01,289 --> 00:20:03,322
Oh, back at the store,
I, uh, tucked my boner
509
00:20:03,358 --> 00:20:05,925
into the waistband of my pants
and now it's sitting weird.
510
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,593
That's your apology?
511
00:20:07,629 --> 00:20:10,396
Well, that and this.
512
00:20:14,536 --> 00:20:15,701
Oh, Peter, did...
513
00:20:15,737 --> 00:20:17,270
did you bake this?
514
00:20:17,305 --> 00:20:19,772
Yeah. I love you, Lois.
515
00:20:19,807 --> 00:20:21,440
I really liked having a store with you,
516
00:20:21,476 --> 00:20:23,543
and I'm...
I'm sorry I messed it up.
517
00:20:23,578 --> 00:20:25,678
I was only trying to help.
518
00:20:25,713 --> 00:20:27,547
I know, Peter.
519
00:20:27,582 --> 00:20:29,782
So you want to split this with me?
520
00:20:29,817 --> 00:20:31,951
Uh, I wouldn't.
Butter helped me with it,
521
00:20:31,986 --> 00:20:34,287
and she has chlamydia fingers.
522
00:20:37,959 --> 00:20:40,059
Well, it was fun having our own store.
523
00:20:40,094 --> 00:20:43,796
But from now on, my cookies
are only for these customers.
524
00:20:43,831 --> 00:20:46,265
Oh, Mom.
525
00:20:46,301 --> 00:20:48,334
So, Mom, what are you
gonna do with the shop?
526
00:20:48,369 --> 00:20:51,938
Well, I talked to the bank, and
they agreed to take it back.
527
00:20:51,973 --> 00:20:53,940
Me love Cookie. Om, nom, nom,
nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom...
528
00:20:53,975 --> 00:21:00,475
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry