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ALAN: Previously on
Two and a Half Men:
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- I'm dead.
- You're in the hospital.
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- You had a mild heart attack.
- I almost died, Alan.
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But the important thing is
you didn't.
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Other than you guys and my mom,
I got nobody.
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At least you got Jake.
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I want to have a kid of my own.
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You are obviously more
than qualified.
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Thank you.
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I'd start looking
at golden retriever puppies,
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'cause there's no way
you're getting a baby.
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You're a single guy,
and the system
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is really geared
towards married couples.
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Alan Harper, will you marry me?
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Wait. You seriously
want to marry me?
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Yes.
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Alan Jerome Harper,
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would you be my wi...?
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Hus...?
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Life buddy?
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Okay, I'm a little confused.
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And not like the time I got
that massage from that ladyboy.
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Look, I want to adopt a kid,
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and the quickest way for me
to do that is to get married.
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And if I'm gonna
settle for someone,
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it might as well be you.
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That's exactly what
my first wife said.
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Listen, I know
this sounds crazy,
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but you would be doing me
the biggest favor of my life.
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Walden, there are
literally millions of women
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who would marry you
at the drop of a hat.
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Yeah, but I wouldn't be
half as happy
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with any of them
as I would be with you.
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Go on.
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When I think of
the ten things I want in a wife,
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you have nine of them.
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You're my best friend,
you're trustworthy,
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you're loving, you're smart,
you'll never leave me.
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Married or not, till
death do us part.
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You're funny,
you're understanding.
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You don't care
if I leave the toilet seat up.
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I actually prefer it.
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Although, the other night,
I forgot it was up,
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and I had a surprise
splash-down.
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I was like a turtle on its back.
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Right there. That's another one.
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As long as you're around,
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I will never be the most
awkward guy in the room.
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So, what's the one thing
you want in a wife that I don't have?
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Oh. Right, right.
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I do not have one of those.
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I barely have one of these.
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I mean, how would
this work exactly?
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I mean, we're gonna
pretend to be a couple?
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We wouldn't pretend.
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We're actually going
to be a same-sex married couple.
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And like most married couples,
we will not have sex.
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Not even on my birthday?
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Sorry, sorry... flashback
to the first wife.
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So, so, I can have crazy, anonymous
sex with any woman I want?
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No. You will still be you.
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Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
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Dr. Alan Schmidt.
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What are you doing?
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Oh, just trying
to see what sounds best.
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Yes, Mr. And Mr. Harper-Schmidt,
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welcome back
to the Four Seasons.
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Your ocean front suite is ready.
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Okay, cut the Schmidt.
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Oh, yeah. I'd have
to put up with that Schmidt.
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But you know what?
I'm gonna own it.
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I don't give a Schmidt.
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What are you saying?
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I'm saying, yes, I'll marry you,
you big dumb Schmidt.
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Oh, please tell me that's
ChapStick in your pocket.
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Ripped By mstoll
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(DOORBELL RINGS)
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Hi, Mom.
Thanks for coming over.
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What is so important that I had to
leave halfway through my bikini wax?
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I look like a black
and white cookie.
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Wow. In one fell swoop, there
goes cookies and vaginas.
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What's going on?
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Is this another intervention?
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For the millionth time, I do not
have a drinking problem.
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No, Evelyn.
It's... It's a celebration.
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Well, in that case,
I'll have a double martini
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and hold the vermouth.
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Hello. I'm Robin.
I'm Walden's mother.
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Oh, how nice
to finally meet you.
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You have a wonderful son
and amazing breasts.
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- Who did them?
- God?
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Well, he's still the best.
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Although Dr. Schenkman
runs a close second.
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They are lovely.
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Okay, can everyone stop talking
about my mom's boobs? God.
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Oh, my God, that's why I had
so many friends in high school.
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So, what's the big announcement?
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Oh, well...
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Alan and l...
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We're getting married.
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Dude! What the hell! We
agreed I was gonna say it.
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Sorry, sorry.
I'm just so excited.
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No offense, but
can't you do better than Alan?
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Back up. You are marrying him?
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Yup.
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- Ow! What was that for?
- For marrying Zippy.
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Hey! Why are you
hitting me?
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For being Zippy.
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This sounds great,
except for one thing.
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You guys aren't gay.
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No, we're not gay.
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We are getting
married because...
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It will make it easier
for him to adopt a child!
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Aw, come on!
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Thank you, Berta.
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Hold on.
You want a child?
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Yes. I've been doing
a lot of thinking
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about my life, and I believe
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that having a kid would
add more meaning to it.
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Parenthood can be
very rewarding.
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Some of the time.
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So, this marriage
is just a sham?
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I didn't march in all
of those gay rights parades
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so you guys could make a mockery
of our hard-won civil liberties.
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You marched in those parades
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so you could get drunk
and pick up chicks.
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Hard-won chicks.
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All right, look, we're not
making a mockery of anything,
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and I get the challenges
that gay couples face,
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but I also know that there
are a lot of kids out there
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that are just looking
for a good home,
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and I think we can provide that.
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And I get health insurance.
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You guys are lucky
you're in California.
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In some states, they still don't
let gay couples get married
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or adopt kids.
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You know, when I was in Utah,
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I vomited on a police officer,
and I was arrested.
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Simply for being gay.
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Wow, this is a lot to take in.
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My son is going to get married
and have a child with...
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(SOBBING) Oh, God, where...
Where did I go wrong?
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Oh, there he is,
my same-sex shorty.
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My friend with no benefits.
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My boo.
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You know, I do have 99 problems,
and you're all of them.
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- What's all this?
- Uh, oh, I'm...
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I'm making a dream
board for our wedding.
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There's also a Pinterest page,
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or you can go to: Alan
and Walden's big day dot com.
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Yeah, I got the link
you sent me.
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I really loved
the photoshopped picture
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of both us peeking
around the same tree.
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However, you know,
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we're not doing, like,
a big, lavish wedding.
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Oh, okay, I get it.
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You know,
small destination wedding.
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Just the two of us, the beach,
wearing leis around our necks,
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matching linen shirts,
sand tickling our toes.
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Seagulls flying overhead.
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(IMITATES SEAGULL CAWING)
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And where do you see this
happening?
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Well, obviously,
there's Hawaii and Cabo.
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I'd be happy
with either one of those.
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But I hear that Greece is
fabulous this time of year.
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And just FYI, Mykonos is very
friendly to same-sex couples.
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Opa!
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Nopa!
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We're getting married
in the courthouse.
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Please tell me "the courthouse"
is a chic bar in Ibiza.
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No, it's a rundown courthouse
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around the corner
from the Jiffy Lube.
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We'll pay 50 bucks,
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we'll do some paperwork,
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and if you're good,
we'll go outside
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to the food truck,
and I'll buy you a gyro.
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Opa!
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Oh. Okay. I see.
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00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,010
What's wrong?
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00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,515
Nothing.
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(SIGHING) Talk to me.
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No, it's fine.
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You know, I just
wanted to make sure
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this whole thing
was special for us,
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00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:16,523
for you, but, you know,
it's no big deal.
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00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,554
I'm sure we can
still make it special.
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Maybe... Maybe Jenny
can take some pictures on her iPhone.
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- Alan, come on.
- Don't touch me.
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Look, this isn't about us.
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It's about bringing
a kid into our lives.
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It's a simple
business transaction,
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like paying an electric bill,
or buying dinner, or...
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writing a rent check.
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Stop me when I land on something
you've actually done.
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I just got excited
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00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,086
because I've never had the
wedding I always dreamed of.
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00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:52,561
Right, the wedding
that every little boy dreams of.
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00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:57,502
You know, we still need
to get each other rings.
199
00:08:57,837 --> 00:08:59,805
We can just get something
online.
200
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:03,635
Or we could go into
Beverly Hills and have brunch,
201
00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:05,504
and go ring shopping together.
202
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:07,607
Really?
203
00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:09,173
Sure.
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00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,210
Because I do have ideas.
205
00:09:17,523 --> 00:09:19,286
Hey, Berta,
do we have any carrots?
206
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:23,622
Oh, wait. I've got 14 karats
of white gold right here.
207
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,725
You'll make a beautiful
bride, Zippy.
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00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:30,165
- Hey hey.
- Hey, there's my future baby daddy!
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00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:33,903
If I got to listen to this,
I got to be a lot higher.
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00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,776
Hey. I got some paperwork
for you to sign.
211
00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:42,038
Oh, and I've got some
paperwork for you to sign.
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00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,614
Guess it's true. Married couples
do start to think alike.
213
00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:47,911
Maybe soon, we'll start to
look alike, he said hopefully.
214
00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:51,779
It's the application form
for our marriage license.
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00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:54,551
- Oh, look at you.
- Yeah.
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00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,057
I guess somebody's
gonna get that money
217
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,093
for that Mani-pedi
he wants after all.
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00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,057
You spoil me.
219
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,995
No, I'm just trying to be
a good business partner.
220
00:10:02,201 --> 00:10:04,294
The Johnson to your Johnson.
221
00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:06,995
Wait, that... that
didn't come out right.
222
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,763
So... So what do
you need me to sign?
223
00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:10,538
Just this.
224
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,977
Oh. What's that?
225
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:15,878
It's a simple dissolution
of services agreement.
226
00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:20,280
Oh. You... You mean,
like a... like a prenup?
227
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,913
Yup. So, it's not a big deal.
228
00:10:23,122 --> 00:10:25,886
Just go ahead and sign it,
he said hopefully.
229
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:28,720
Why do we need a prenup?
230
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,561
And here we go.
231
00:10:32,164 --> 00:10:35,691
When couples get married,
finances become complicated,
232
00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:38,495
- and this just simplifies it.
- Oh, does it?
233
00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:40,695
'Cause it seems like
it's pretty simple right now.
234
00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:42,134
You don't trust me.
235
00:10:42,341 --> 00:10:44,002
Okay, that's not true at all.
236
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Isn't it?
237
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:47,605
I mean, is this what
you really think of me?
238
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:49,713
That I'm some kind
of gold digger?
239
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:54,242
Okay, yes, I have lived here
four years rent-free.
240
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:56,120
Look, why do you have
to make this difficult?
241
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,654
You know, why do you make
everything so difficult?
242
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:01,349
It's like yesterday at brunch,
when you sent back the champagne
243
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:04,893
because the bubbles didn't taste
like "a mouthful of stars."
244
00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:07,892
If it doesn't explode in
your mouth, what's the point?
245
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:11,228
You said that to the waiter,
too, and it was troubling then!
246
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:14,499
Look, I'm just trying
to protect my assets.
247
00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:17,342
Oh, yeah? Well, then maybe
I should protect my assets.
248
00:11:17,543 --> 00:11:20,103
You know, don't worry, I'm pretty
sure that your VHS copy
249
00:11:20,312 --> 00:11:21,939
of Dirty Dancing
and your complete collection
250
00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:24,844
of Ghostbusters trading cards
are safe.
251
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:28,448
I am a collector
of '80s movie memorabilia.
252
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:32,351
And hobby mocking is not
an attractive color on you.
253
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,083
Hobby mocker.
254
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:38,059
I also have one other asset
that you cannot have,
255
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:39,356
my dignity.
256
00:11:39,598 --> 00:11:40,587
- Your dignity?
- Mm-hm.
257
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,199
- Your dignity?
- Yes.
258
00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:44,164
Really? 'Cause I'm pretty sure
that the security guard
259
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,201
at the shopping mall had
to remove the bench
260
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:49,602
from outside of Victoria's
Secret because of you!
261
00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:52,003
Mall flogger!
262
00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:54,976
I got to tell you, I'm having a lot
of second thoughts right now.
263
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:57,479
Really? Because this is exactly
where I want to be in my life,
264
00:11:57,683 --> 00:12:00,584
begging a 47-year-old man
to marry me.
265
00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:02,879
Now sign the prenup!
266
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,852
I agreed to marry you,
but that doesn't mean you get
267
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:06,490
to shove whatever you want
down my throat
268
00:12:06,692 --> 00:12:08,250
and expect me to swallow it!
269
00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:11,353
Do... Do you...
Do you even hear
270
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,589
the words that you are saying?
271
00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:16,825
How about these words?
The wedding's off.
272
00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:24,703
I can't even get Alan Harper
to marry me.
273
00:12:31,717 --> 00:12:33,514
Boy, this better be important.
274
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:35,821
I just saw you two days ago.
275
00:12:36,722 --> 00:12:38,917
Walden and I broke up.
The wedding is off.
276
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:41,992
Oh, Alan. You had
a rich husband on the hook
277
00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:43,821
and you couldn't reel him in.
278
00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:45,955
What happened?
279
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,656
Well, he asked me to sign
a prenup and I refused.
280
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,200
Well, of course you refused.
281
00:12:51,737 --> 00:12:54,900
The woman I paid to raise you
did not raise a fool.
282
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:56,665
Mom, I don't want his money.
283
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,774
Never say that again.
284
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,913
Is that a new ring?
Feels like Cartier.
285
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:07,643
Yes, it is.
And you know who gave it to me?
286
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,150
My rich husband.
287
00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:12,481
When Marty and I married, the
only thing I was willing to sign
288
00:13:12,691 --> 00:13:14,750
was his "do not resuscitate"
order.
289
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:18,793
Walden says this wedding is just
a business transaction.
290
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:20,625
How many business
transactions end
291
00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:22,960
with the release of
grand monarch butterflies?
292
00:13:24,036 --> 00:13:26,061
Darling, it is just business.
293
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:29,002
He's using you
to get what he wants,
294
00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:32,039
and you should be using him
to get what you want:
295
00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,711
Financial security.
296
00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:35,471
I'm not doing it for
financial security.
297
00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,148
Walden genuinely wants a child,
298
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:40,216
the same way that I wanted
Jake and you wanted...
299
00:13:40,419 --> 00:13:41,909
Charlie.
300
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:43,915
I just thought that
after four years together
301
00:13:44,123 --> 00:13:45,522
that he would trust me
when it comes to money.
302
00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:49,023
Oh, darling, after 47 years,
I don't trust you.
303
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:52,057
Maybe, a prenup is justified.
304
00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:54,095
Maybe I am just a sponge.
305
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,063
A parasite.
306
00:13:56,869 --> 00:14:00,498
And he tolerates me
because he's my best friend.
307
00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,468
And I've let him down, and all I want
to do is make him happy.
308
00:14:06,078 --> 00:14:07,636
"Best friend."
309
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,175
"Happy."
310
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:11,780
I just have no idea where
you got these warped views
311
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:12,973
on marriage.
312
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,482
He wouldn't sign a prenup?
313
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:18,350
No, he got all upset
and he threw a hissy fit.
314
00:14:18,557 --> 00:14:20,252
"You don't trust me.
The wedding's off.
315
00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:23,155
I'm going to
Ibiza by myself."
316
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,593
Let's face it, the man
is simply not your equal.
317
00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:28,661
If the two of you were
on a plane that crashed
318
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,928
in the mountains, Alan would be
the first person eaten.
319
00:14:33,038 --> 00:14:34,130
On the other hand,
320
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:35,932
you're handsome,
successful, smart.
321
00:14:36,141 --> 00:14:37,802
You would be eaten last.
322
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:41,006
You're just saying I'd be eaten
last 'cause you're my mom.
323
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:45,039
Well, listen, I know you're
serious about this child thing,
324
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:48,482
so I mentioned your situation
to a very cute intern at work.
325
00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:49,745
You didn't.
326
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:51,718
Jessica's very amenable
to striking a business deal.
327
00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:52,891
(SIGHS)
328
00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:55,219
Plus, she's already visited
Dr. Schenkman,
329
00:14:55,427 --> 00:14:56,587
if you know what I mean.
330
00:14:56,795 --> 00:14:59,559
Mom, that's exactly
what I don't want.
331
00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:01,289
I don't even know this Jess...
332
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,161
Holy Schenkman.
333
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:05,795
Look, I w...
334
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,836
No, she'd be eaten first.
335
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:16,570
Look, no, I want
someone that I can trust.
336
00:15:16,782 --> 00:15:18,977
That's why I picked Alan
in the first place.
337
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:21,015
How can you possibly trust him?
338
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:23,017
He siphons gas out of your car.
339
00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:24,519
Technically, I never caught him.
340
00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:25,849
I just assumed that he did it
341
00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:27,525
'cause the garden hose smelled
like gas
342
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:29,250
and one time he burped
near a candle
343
00:15:29,461 --> 00:15:31,224
and it lit the couch on fire.
344
00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:34,428
I don't know why you ever let Alan
live with you in the first place.
345
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:36,530
For starters, he saved my life.
346
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,337
And... he's been
there for me,
347
00:15:39,538 --> 00:15:43,235
every time that I needed him
and even times when I didn't.
348
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,274
The bottom line is...
349
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:47,970
...he's my best friend.
350
00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:49,238
Jessica could be
your best friend.
351
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,279
I'm not going out with Jessica.
352
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:52,780
Fine. I get it.
353
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:55,176
I do have another intern
that you might like better.
354
00:15:55,387 --> 00:15:56,979
His name is Derek.
He does Pilates...
355
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:58,986
Mom, I'm not gay!
356
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,091
I... I just want to marry a man.
357
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,955
Why is that so difficult
to understand?
358
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:11,033
- Hey.
- Hey.
359
00:16:13,539 --> 00:16:14,972
- Listen...
- About earlier...
360
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:17,369
Uh, that's...
That's my fault.
361
00:16:17,676 --> 00:16:20,873
I totally get why I need
to sign a prenup.
362
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:23,241
I mean, there's guys standing
at freeway on-ramps
363
00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:25,007
that make more money than I do.
364
00:16:26,352 --> 00:16:28,115
You know what,
you don't need to sign it.
365
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,049
Despite my mother's objections
366
00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:31,984
and despite everything
I've learned from...
367
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:34,091
two seasons of Basketball Wives,
368
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,189
I trust you completely.
369
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:37,726
That's nice, but...
370
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,364
I already signed it
and sent it to your attorney.
371
00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:41,826
Really?
372
00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:44,030
Thank you. I owe you.
373
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:45,669
You owe me nothing.
374
00:16:45,871 --> 00:16:47,429
I mean, other than two dollars
for the envelope
375
00:16:47,639 --> 00:16:49,334
and $1.75 for postage.
376
00:16:50,042 --> 00:16:51,566
Nothing for gas?
377
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,501
No, I just filled up.
378
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,118
Will you still be my husband?
379
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,844
You know I can't quit you.
380
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:06,149
Listen, I know this isn't the wedding
that you've always dreamed of,
381
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:09,020
but I got a little surprise
for you for the ceremony.
382
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,886
Tell me Vera Wang
started making tuxes.
383
00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:13,522
Even better.
384
00:17:13,732 --> 00:17:17,759
♪ When a man loves another man ♪
385
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,631
♪ Can't keep his mind on
nothing else ♪
386
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,240
Oh... my... God.
387
00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:26,972
It's like you live
inside my dreams.
388
00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:29,508
Happy wife, happy life.
389
00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:31,977
Fellas, can we get this going?
390
00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:34,049
There's a lot of gay couples
here who'd like to get married
391
00:17:34,253 --> 00:17:36,278
before the Supreme Court
changes its mind.
392
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,749
Plus, this place
is crawling with cops,
393
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:41,118
and I've got six months
to a year hidden in my purse.
394
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:44,595
♪ When a man loves another man... ♪
395
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,230
Kill it, Bolton.
396
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:50,727
Hello, Michael.
397
00:17:50,936 --> 00:17:52,961
You know, I have a vibrator
named after you.
398
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,469
Well, that's very flattering.
399
00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:56,163
Would you like me to sign it?
400
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,300
I have a special pen.
401
00:17:59,311 --> 00:18:00,710
What a coincidence.
402
00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:02,071
I have a bit of a nasty habit
403
00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:04,772
of putting the tips
of pens into my mouth.
404
00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:09,684
We're here
to join Walden Schmidt
405
00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:12,152
and Alan Harper
in legal marriage.
406
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:13,952
Have you two written
your own vows?
407
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:15,319
No, the...
the standard
408
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:17,893
"for richer, for poorer"
actually fits us quite well.
409
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,362
Actually, I've written
a little something down.
410
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:23,091
What? You didn't.
411
00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:24,599
I wanted to surprise you.
412
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:26,331
Vows and Bolton?
413
00:18:26,538 --> 00:18:27,971
♪ When a man... ♪
414
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:29,435
Not the cue, Bolton.
415
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:35,769
Today, I'm marrying
my best friend.
416
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,514
Do not cry.
417
00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:39,308
Keep it together, Alan.
418
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:43,354
In the last four years,
I've been through a lot.
419
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:47,555
There's been good times
and bad times.
420
00:18:48,227 --> 00:18:51,060
But through it all,
you were there.
421
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:54,727
And I can't imagine
a future without you.
422
00:18:56,668 --> 00:18:58,932
I guess what I'm trying
to say is...
423
00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:01,139
I love you.
424
00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,308
(VOICE WAVERING)
I love you, too.
425
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:10,048
This is the gayest wedding
I've ever been to.
426
00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:13,074
I think it's beaut...
Whose hand is on my ass?
427
00:19:13,285 --> 00:19:14,650
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
428
00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:17,548
Walden,
429
00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:20,122
do you take Alan to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
430
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:22,883
I do.
431
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:25,759
And, Alan, do you take Walden
to be your...
432
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:27,295
Try and stop me.
433
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:30,158
I now pronounce you married.
434
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:34,872
- You may kiss.
- Oh. Oh, yeah, um...
435
00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:36,472
Kiss. Right.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
436
00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:37,699
Let's...
437
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:39,469
What the hell.
438
00:19:43,715 --> 00:19:47,412
♪ When a man loves another man ♪
439
00:19:51,323 --> 00:19:52,517
Morning.
440
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:56,125
Hey. There's the old
balls and chain.
441
00:19:58,330 --> 00:19:59,661
How was your wedding night?
442
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:01,330
Much like my first one.
443
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,862
I spent it masturbating alone.
444
00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:05,794
You're the only guy I know
445
00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:08,268
that would register
for lotion and tissues.
446
00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:12,471
That was some party
last night, huh?
447
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:14,771
Yeah, it must have been.
I woke up out here.
448
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:17,507
And I'm pretty sure I'm
wearing Jenny's underwear.
449
00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:19,208
Yeah.
450
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:21,852
The whole evening's
a little fuzzy for me, too.
451
00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:26,180
The last thing I remember
is you doing body shots
452
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,052
off of Michael Bolton.
453
00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:32,119
All of us did body shots
off of Michael Bolton.
454
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,295
Even our moms got along.
455
00:20:40,505 --> 00:20:42,200
I wasn't sure they'd
click at first, but...
456
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:44,534
in the end, they came together.
457
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:49,078
♪ When a man loves two women ♪
458
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:59,300
Ripped By mstoll