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00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:03,468
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:06,771
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:06,806 --> 00:00:10,341
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:28,324
♪ Family Guy 13x04 ♪
Brian the Closer
Original Air Date on November 9, 2014
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00:00:28,325 --> 00:00:33,925
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:33,933 --> 00:00:36,100
TV ANNOUNCER: Today's
feature presentation of Glory
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00:00:36,135 --> 00:00:37,468
will not be seen.
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00:00:37,503 --> 00:00:39,770
What? Aw, I love that movie.
15
00:00:39,806 --> 00:00:42,206
Aw, man, that's gonna leave
a big hole in their lineup.
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00:00:42,241 --> 00:00:43,774
What's gonna fill
the Glory hole?
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00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,910
In place of Glory,
we will be showing Shaft,
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00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:47,411
starring Richard Roundtree.
19
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:49,647
What? You can't just shove
Shaft in the Glory hole.
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00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:51,549
Yeah, I know. It'd
be better to put in
21
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,451
that movie about the two
girls who meet Nixon.
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00:00:53,486 --> 00:00:54,919
What's that movie
called? Dick?
23
00:00:54,954 --> 00:00:56,554
Dick would slide right
into that Glory hole.
24
00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:58,255
No, no, Dick's too short
for that Glory hole.
25
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:01,258
But if you also put in
Edward Furlong's movie, Pecker,
26
00:01:01,294 --> 00:01:03,227
you got Pecker and Dick
in the Glory hole,
27
00:01:03,262 --> 00:01:05,696
and you got a tight squeeze,
but it-it ought to fit.
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00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:06,732
(grunts)
29
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,466
The hell am I sitting on?
30
00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:10,434
Oh, hey, that's
my old rope toy.
31
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:11,969
I was wondering
where that was.
32
00:01:12,004 --> 00:01:14,004
Ew, what would you want
that for? It's gross.
33
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:15,172
No, it's not.
It's awesome.
34
00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:16,741
I can suck on it
for the flavor.
35
00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:19,043
I can thrash it around,
pretend it's a snake.
36
00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:20,711
Sometimes I just
bite it like this.
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00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,379
(growling)
Rope!
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00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,315
That's stupid.
39
00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:25,516
I want it.
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00:01:25,551 --> 00:01:26,984
Well, you can't
have it; it's mine.
41
00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:28,619
Oh, yeah?
Not for long it ain't.
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00:01:28,654 --> 00:01:30,955
(growling)
43
00:01:30,990 --> 00:01:32,656
Come on, Brian,
I need this rope
44
00:01:32,692 --> 00:01:37,161
in case I open
a nautical-themed restaurant.
45
00:01:37,196 --> 00:01:38,996
We got boat parts on the wall,
46
00:01:39,031 --> 00:01:41,565
so you know the crab
comes from the ocean.
47
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:45,002
Eating next to a porthole!
What?!
48
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,040
(growling)
49
00:01:56,549 --> 00:01:57,549
(growling)
50
00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:59,116
(toy squeaks)
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00:01:59,152 --> 00:02:00,518
(growling)
52
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:01,786
(toy siren wailing)
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00:02:01,821 --> 00:02:03,701
No, no, no, no, I don't
want to make that trade.
54
00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:05,156
I thought I wanted
to make that trade,
55
00:02:05,191 --> 00:02:10,161
but I don't want to
make that trade.
56
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:12,596
Hey, Chris.
Where's your father?
57
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:15,332
He's still trying to get
that rope away from Brian.
58
00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:17,434
He's got to give up
that obsession.
59
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,336
I don't like what
it's doing to him.
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00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:20,671
(hissing):
Precious.
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00:02:20,706 --> 00:02:22,840
Wants precious rope.
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00:02:22,875 --> 00:02:24,742
Peter, enough with
the rope.
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00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:27,178
Also wants ice cream.
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00:02:27,213 --> 00:02:29,480
No, Peter, it's too close
to dinnertime.
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00:02:29,515 --> 00:02:32,116
Get ice cream anyway.
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00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:34,118
Don't you dare.
(hissing)
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00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:36,220
(normal voice): All right,
but I'll be back in a moment
68
00:02:36,255 --> 00:02:38,823
as another movie thing.
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00:02:38,858 --> 00:02:40,858
(robotic):
I am Johnny Five.
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00:02:40,893 --> 00:02:42,359
Need input.
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00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:44,328
Input is ice cream.
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00:02:44,363 --> 00:02:46,931
I need ice cream.
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00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:49,300
Did I say I'm
Johnny Five yet?
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00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:52,570
You didn't go
to work today, did you?
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00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:59,510
So, still got
that rope, I see.
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00:02:59,545 --> 00:03:01,145
Well, I got a
better rope.
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00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:02,680
That's not a chewing rope.
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00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:04,415
I know. It's a tying rope!
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00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:08,385
(car door opens, closes)
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00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:10,187
(engine starts)
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00:03:10,223 --> 00:03:12,389
(growling)
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00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:16,794
Come on, Brian,
you'd better let go.
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00:03:16,829 --> 00:03:18,863
I told you this is mine!
You're never gonna get it!
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00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:19,898
(growling)
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00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:21,599
(engine revving)
86
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:26,737
Just give me the rope.
Nobody has to get hurt, Brian.
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00:03:26,772 --> 00:03:28,739
(bicycle bell dings)
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00:03:28,774 --> 00:03:31,075
Only one person has
to get hurt, Brian.
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00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:32,176
(growling)
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00:03:34,180 --> 00:03:36,480
(engine revving)
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00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:43,420
(tires screeching)
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00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:44,456
(Brian grunting)
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00:03:53,165 --> 00:03:55,132
(grunts)
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00:03:58,804 --> 00:04:01,105
(lisping):
My teeth!
95
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:03,274
Oh! Oh, man!
96
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,242
I'm real sorry about
your mouth, Brian.
97
00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:07,244
Damn it, Peter.
What were you thinking?
98
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,747
This has to be the stupidest
thing you've ever done.
99
00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:11,682
No, Brian. The stupidest
thing I ever did
100
00:04:11,717 --> 00:04:14,118
was turn the bubbles
off in a hot tub.
101
00:04:14,153 --> 00:04:16,153
Yeah! Party!
102
00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:20,991
Ew, bath with friends.
103
00:04:25,498 --> 00:04:27,298
Now, remember, Brian's probably
104
00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:29,199
very self-conscious
about how he looks,
105
00:04:29,235 --> 00:04:31,201
so let's try to be supportive.
106
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:33,037
Brian! Dinner!
107
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:37,808
(lisping):
So, everybody, how was your day?
108
00:04:37,843 --> 00:04:39,977
What's for dinner?
I'm starving.
109
00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:43,781
My God, you look like
one of those animals.
110
00:04:43,816 --> 00:04:45,215
You know, the
one that...
111
00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:47,718
Which one does the
(trumpets) sound?
112
00:04:47,753 --> 00:04:50,054
That... Aw, crap, you
know which one I mean.
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00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:51,956
Oh, who am I kidding?
114
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:54,658
You got to take me to the
dentist to get my mouth fixed.
115
00:04:54,694 --> 00:04:57,561
Brian, we can try to make you
feel a little less repulsive,
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00:04:57,596 --> 00:04:59,396
(chuckles):
but we're not spending
117
00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:01,298
human money on a
deformed animal.
118
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:04,001
What? Then what am I
supposed to do?
119
00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:06,670
I don't know. But here,
you can have this back.
120
00:05:06,706 --> 00:05:09,006
It's boring.
It doesn't do anything.
121
00:05:09,041 --> 00:05:11,608
You know what?
Go to hell, Peter!
122
00:05:12,778 --> 00:05:15,145
Wow, this is
the craziest meal I've had
123
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:17,982
since I had lunch
at Tommy Sullivan's house.
124
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:21,018
Very good macaroni and
cheese, Mrs. Sullivan.
125
00:05:21,053 --> 00:05:22,820
Thank you, Chris.
126
00:05:22,855 --> 00:05:24,688
That was just
awful, Chris.
127
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:25,724
Terrible.
128
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:27,224
He is not ready
for flashbacks.
129
00:05:27,259 --> 00:05:29,259
No, he is not.
130
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:35,499
(lisping):
Hey, listen,
131
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:37,668
thanks for not laying into
me like everybody else.
132
00:05:37,703 --> 00:05:39,770
I don't care enough about you
to lay into you.
133
00:05:39,805 --> 00:05:41,038
But now that you mention it,
134
00:05:41,073 --> 00:05:42,906
your face looks like
a used condom.
135
00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:45,175
Yeah, I know.
136
00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:48,345
(sobbing)
137
00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:49,513
Oh, come on, Brian.
138
00:05:49,548 --> 00:05:50,714
Don't do that.
139
00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:52,249
Don't cry. Be a man.
140
00:05:52,284 --> 00:05:53,550
I'm not crying!
141
00:05:53,586 --> 00:05:56,086
Look, listen, just...
here, just take this.
142
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:57,254
What is this?
143
00:05:57,289 --> 00:05:58,422
That's my dentist.
144
00:05:58,457 --> 00:06:00,090
He'll bill me.
I've got an account.
145
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:01,892
You've got an account
with a dentist?
146
00:06:01,927 --> 00:06:04,561
He sells me nitrous
at wholesale, I bang his wife.
147
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,964
Those both sound
like things for you.
148
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:09,600
Look, you want
his number or not?
149
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:12,770
I won't forget this,
Glenn Quagmire.
150
00:06:12,805 --> 00:06:14,905
Don't ever say my name
like that, okay?
151
00:06:14,940 --> 00:06:16,540
And don't tell anybody
about this.
152
00:06:16,575 --> 00:06:19,777
Now get the hell out of the bar,
you pathetic son of a bitch.
153
00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:22,846
Hey, language.
My big fat black mom is here.
154
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,883
I know I didn't just hear
what that man said.
155
00:06:25,918 --> 00:06:28,485
Jerome, you got to go
to extra church!
156
00:06:28,521 --> 00:06:31,121
Aw, Mom.
157
00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:38,462
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to
My Dinner with Andre the Giant.
158
00:06:38,497 --> 00:06:40,597
I could never give up
my electric blanket;
159
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,199
it's cold in New York City.
160
00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:44,568
You may argue that this is
a waste of energy,
161
00:06:44,603 --> 00:06:47,638
but to me, it's worth the
comfort because, let's face it,
162
00:06:47,673 --> 00:06:50,174
the world is
an abrasive place.
163
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:54,144
I have maybe hours to live,
and you're wasting them.
164
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:56,146
BRIAN:
Hey, I'm, uh...
165
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:57,915
I'm back from getting
my new teeth.
166
00:06:57,950 --> 00:07:00,317
Well, come on in, Brian.
Let's see them.
167
00:07:00,352 --> 00:07:02,352
All right, here it goes.
168
00:07:05,891 --> 00:07:08,492
Oh, my God!
Look at your teeth!
169
00:07:08,527 --> 00:07:11,061
Hey, maybe you could
help us build the dam.
170
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,330
If you think you got
the chops for it.
171
00:07:13,365 --> 00:07:14,731
Well, think about it.
172
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,000
It's something to chew on.
173
00:07:17,036 --> 00:07:18,068
(laughs)
174
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,104
We use him
just the right amount.
175
00:07:23,923 --> 00:07:26,357
So be honest, huh?
You guys hate them.
176
00:07:26,392 --> 00:07:28,225
No, Brian, are you kidding?
177
00:07:28,261 --> 00:07:30,828
They're spectacular!
You look like a movie star.
178
00:07:30,863 --> 00:07:32,129
Really?
179
00:07:32,165 --> 00:07:35,199
Yeah, you're like an even
more handsome Adam Carolla.
180
00:07:35,234 --> 00:07:37,268
God, I can't believe
you guys really like them.
181
00:07:37,303 --> 00:07:41,105
Yeah, Brian, you are gonna
get so much sweet tail!
182
00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:43,040
Oo-cha, oo-cha,
oo-cha, oo-cha!
183
00:07:43,075 --> 00:07:44,975
Brian, you have
found your look.
184
00:07:45,011 --> 00:07:47,244
That is the best cosmetic
surgery in this family
185
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,979
since Lois got
her boob job.
186
00:07:49,015 --> 00:07:50,247
I don't know
what happened.
187
00:07:50,283 --> 00:07:52,149
I told the
doctor C-cups.
188
00:07:52,185 --> 00:07:53,617
I told him something else.
189
00:07:53,653 --> 00:07:56,187
I think he did
a dam good job.
190
00:07:56,222 --> 00:07:58,656
Okay, now we've used him
too much.
191
00:07:58,691 --> 00:08:00,624
♪ ♪
192
00:08:03,663 --> 00:08:04,995
♪ When you're smiling ♪
193
00:08:05,998 --> 00:08:09,667
♪ When you're smiling ♪
194
00:08:09,702 --> 00:08:14,805
♪ The whole world
smiles with you ♪
195
00:08:14,841 --> 00:08:17,141
♪ When you're laughing ♪
196
00:08:18,177 --> 00:08:21,345
♪ When you're laughing ♪
197
00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:26,250
♪ The sun comes
shining through ♪
198
00:08:26,285 --> 00:08:29,420
♪ But when you're crying ♪
199
00:08:29,455 --> 00:08:31,822
♪ You bring on the rain ♪
200
00:08:31,858 --> 00:08:34,425
♪ So stop your sighing ♪
201
00:08:34,460 --> 00:08:37,094
♪ Be happy again ♪
202
00:08:37,129 --> 00:08:39,997
♪ Keep on smiling ♪
203
00:08:40,032 --> 00:08:43,267
♪ 'Cause when you're smiling ♪
204
00:08:43,302 --> 00:08:49,974
♪ The whole world
smiles with you. ♪
205
00:08:52,578 --> 00:08:54,378
Oh, good, you're
already here.
206
00:08:54,413 --> 00:08:55,413
I'm sorry?
207
00:08:55,414 --> 00:08:57,248
Can we ask you a few questions?
208
00:08:57,283 --> 00:08:58,916
Uh... yeah, sure.
209
00:08:58,951 --> 00:09:00,417
Is this a good
neighborhood?
210
00:09:00,453 --> 00:09:01,952
Uh, yeah,
it's a great neighborhood.
211
00:09:01,988 --> 00:09:04,121
Lot of families,
good parks.
212
00:09:04,156 --> 00:09:06,824
Uh, six fire hydrants,
but they are unavailable.
213
00:09:06,859 --> 00:09:08,525
They are previously claimed.
214
00:09:08,561 --> 00:09:10,160
They belong to some badass.
215
00:09:10,196 --> 00:09:12,830
Okay, but do you think
this house will hold its value?
216
00:09:12,865 --> 00:09:14,131
I don't see why not.
217
00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:15,499
It's got a nice porch.
218
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:17,635
And the yard's got
plenty of room for little ones.
219
00:09:17,670 --> 00:09:20,537
Although that's really
up to the two of you.
220
00:09:20,573 --> 00:09:21,972
(laughter)
221
00:09:22,008 --> 00:09:24,408
Hey, so sorry I'm late.
Let me show you the house.
222
00:09:24,443 --> 00:09:27,878
No need to. Your partner
already sold us on it.
223
00:09:27,914 --> 00:09:29,413
Sorry, I-I
didn't realize
224
00:09:29,448 --> 00:09:31,215
they thought I was
a real estate agent.
225
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:34,051
You are a real estate agent;
you just don't know it yet.
226
00:09:34,086 --> 00:09:34,985
What do you mean?
227
00:09:35,021 --> 00:09:36,021
Look at that smile.
228
00:09:36,022 --> 00:09:37,855
You're a born salesman.
229
00:09:39,225 --> 00:09:40,891
You should
come work for me.
230
00:09:40,927 --> 00:09:43,294
Huh. Never thought
I'd be in real estate.
231
00:09:43,329 --> 00:09:44,828
You think I
can handle it?
232
00:09:44,864 --> 00:09:47,665
Every other divorced mom
at my kid's school is a realtor.
233
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:49,867
I think you can handle it.
234
00:09:55,975 --> 00:09:58,676
Bonnie, I still don't get why
you want to see this house.
235
00:09:58,711 --> 00:10:00,244
The foundation is
totally out of whack.
236
00:10:00,279 --> 00:10:02,012
I mean, the-the whole
house is slanting down
237
00:10:02,048 --> 00:10:03,280
to that cliff
over there.
238
00:10:03,316 --> 00:10:07,084
Uh-huh. Can you open
the sliding door?
239
00:10:14,427 --> 00:10:16,593
I'll take it.
240
00:10:18,631 --> 00:10:20,064
So tell me again,
where's the lake?
241
00:10:20,099 --> 00:10:21,099
Right there.
242
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,399
And where's the
summer camp?
243
00:10:22,435 --> 00:10:23,435
Right over there.
244
00:10:23,436 --> 00:10:24,436
I'll take it.
245
00:10:24,437 --> 00:10:26,270
Now, I am obligated
to disclose
246
00:10:26,305 --> 00:10:28,472
that the previous owners
were murdered in this house.
247
00:10:28,507 --> 00:10:29,573
(chuckles):
Whoa, buddy!
248
00:10:29,608 --> 00:10:31,875
Quit drilling; you
already struck oil.
249
00:10:33,879 --> 00:10:36,580
I just don't know if this
is the right time to buy.
250
00:10:36,615 --> 00:10:37,881
Yeah, you're probably right.
251
00:10:37,917 --> 00:10:39,883
Maybe we should wait
till you graduate college.
252
00:10:39,919 --> 00:10:42,753
Thank you, but I'm
actually 42 years old.
253
00:10:42,788 --> 00:10:45,122
Uh, that's not credible.
254
00:10:46,792 --> 00:10:49,126
Hello, Doctor?
I need a new pair of eyes
255
00:10:49,161 --> 00:10:51,295
because clearly
mine aren't seeing straight.
256
00:10:51,330 --> 00:10:52,830
(laughs)
257
00:10:52,865 --> 00:10:55,733
You know what?
Maybe I am ready to buy.
258
00:10:55,768 --> 00:10:57,201
Great! I'll get the paperwork.
259
00:10:57,236 --> 00:10:58,902
MAN:
Hello? Hello?
260
00:10:58,938 --> 00:11:00,337
What's going on with your eyes?
261
00:11:00,373 --> 00:11:01,572
Oh, uh, nothing.
Everything's fine.
262
00:11:01,607 --> 00:11:03,540
Is this the guy
who wanted his pulse checked
263
00:11:03,576 --> 00:11:05,109
because he died
and went to heaven?
264
00:11:05,144 --> 00:11:06,243
Uh, yes.
265
00:11:06,278 --> 00:11:07,444
Please stop calling.
266
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,080
This is a very busy
doctor's office.
267
00:11:10,116 --> 00:11:12,449
♪ Where you from ♪
268
00:11:12,485 --> 00:11:13,951
♪ You sexy thing ♪
269
00:11:13,986 --> 00:11:15,719
♪ Sexy thing, you. ♪
270
00:11:15,755 --> 00:11:17,755
(music stops)
271
00:11:19,525 --> 00:11:22,760
Brian, five sales this week.
You're killing it.
272
00:11:22,795 --> 00:11:25,362
Yeah. And last night,
I closed another big deal.
273
00:11:25,398 --> 00:11:26,530
Kim in marketing.
274
00:11:26,565 --> 00:11:28,332
(laughs)
What are the specs?
275
00:11:28,367 --> 00:11:30,467
She's a two breast,
one ass fixer-upper.
276
00:11:30,503 --> 00:11:32,703
The entire property was
covered in a thick brush.
277
00:11:32,738 --> 00:11:33,871
(all laugh)
278
00:11:33,906 --> 00:11:37,374
Everyone in the office
besides us is garbage.
279
00:11:37,410 --> 00:11:38,909
Wow, Brian, you're
doing great here.
280
00:11:38,944 --> 00:11:40,210
You're really on fire.
281
00:11:40,246 --> 00:11:42,880
Thanks. I guess I should
stop, drop, and roll.
282
00:11:42,915 --> 00:11:43,915
(chuckling):
Whoa.
283
00:11:43,949 --> 00:11:45,416
(laughs)
That's enough.
284
00:11:45,451 --> 00:11:48,085
The only thing is, anyone
can sell a nice house,
285
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,088
but a real star is someone
who can sell a dump.
286
00:11:51,123 --> 00:11:52,589
I can sell anything.
287
00:11:52,625 --> 00:11:55,092
Well, we got this crap
condo down by the marina.
288
00:11:55,127 --> 00:11:57,261
We haven't been able to
unload it in two years.
289
00:11:57,296 --> 00:12:00,431
You find some sucker to buy
it, and I'll make you partner.
290
00:12:00,466 --> 00:12:01,832
All right, sounds good.
291
00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:02,966
It's a plan.
292
00:12:03,002 --> 00:12:04,768
Hey, did I tell you about
Kim in marketing?
293
00:12:04,804 --> 00:12:05,936
You mean my wife Kim?
294
00:12:05,971 --> 00:12:08,038
I'm gonna go sell
that condo.
295
00:12:12,411 --> 00:12:15,012
God, there's got to be a sucker
to buy this condo.
296
00:12:15,047 --> 00:12:16,647
Guys, this is on me.
297
00:12:16,682 --> 00:12:19,216
I just hit 20 years in the air,
and I got a big bonus.
298
00:12:19,251 --> 00:12:21,919
It's sad
when planes 'splode.
299
00:12:21,954 --> 00:12:22,954
What?
300
00:12:22,988 --> 00:12:23,988
Yeah, I guess.
301
00:12:23,989 --> 00:12:25,389
Anyway, I am flush.
302
00:12:25,424 --> 00:12:27,958
For the first time in my life,
I got money to burn.
303
00:12:30,996 --> 00:12:33,697
Looks like I found my sucker.
304
00:12:33,732 --> 00:12:36,733
(dinging, applause)
305
00:12:52,799 --> 00:12:54,532
Whoa. What?
306
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:56,701
I didn't know you worked out
at this gym, too.
307
00:12:56,736 --> 00:12:58,870
Hey, Brian. Hang on,
I'm just finishing a set.
308
00:12:58,905 --> 00:12:59,937
Come on, come on, two more.
309
00:12:59,973 --> 00:13:01,973
Come on, come on,
you got to want it.
310
00:13:07,547 --> 00:13:08,547
Nice job.
311
00:13:08,548 --> 00:13:10,281
Let's get you a rubdown.
312
00:13:10,316 --> 00:13:11,916
I'm glad I bumped into you
because I've been meaning
313
00:13:11,951 --> 00:13:13,284
to give you something.
314
00:13:13,319 --> 00:13:14,319
What's this?
315
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,053
That is the money you loaned me.
316
00:13:16,089 --> 00:13:18,456
Oh. That's pretty cool. Thanks.
317
00:13:18,491 --> 00:13:19,657
You're welcome.
318
00:13:19,692 --> 00:13:21,826
I just wish I could do
something more for you.
319
00:13:21,861 --> 00:13:24,195
Hmm, I could make you rich.
320
00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:25,563
No, no, no, that's just money.
321
00:13:25,598 --> 00:13:26,797
I'll think of something else.
322
00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:27,865
What're you talking
about, Brian?
323
00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:29,333
No, no, no, I've said too much.
324
00:13:29,369 --> 00:13:31,449
The one thing they're pretty
firm about at the office
325
00:13:31,471 --> 00:13:33,271
is you don't take
the inside deals
326
00:13:33,306 --> 00:13:35,039
and give them to your friends.
327
00:13:35,074 --> 00:13:37,642
What... What kind of inside
deal are you talking about?
328
00:13:38,678 --> 00:13:40,011
All I can say is...
329
00:13:40,046 --> 00:13:42,213
underpriced waterfront property
330
00:13:42,248 --> 00:13:44,849
that's guaranteed
to appreciate in value.
331
00:13:44,884 --> 00:13:46,117
That's all I can say.
332
00:13:46,152 --> 00:13:48,586
Oh, wait, a-are you bothered
by sorority noise, though?
333
00:13:48,621 --> 00:13:49,987
I-I don't know, Brian.
334
00:13:50,023 --> 00:13:51,756
I don't know if I'm a
real estate investor.
335
00:13:51,791 --> 00:13:53,357
Well, you might
surprise yourself.
336
00:13:53,393 --> 00:13:56,160
I mean, I didn't think I'd ever
be friends with Ice-T.
337
00:13:58,031 --> 00:13:59,263
What are you
thinkin' about?
338
00:13:59,299 --> 00:14:02,033
Thinking about putting
black guy hair in a ponytail.
339
00:14:02,068 --> 00:14:05,069
'Cause the times change,
but I don't.
340
00:14:08,408 --> 00:14:09,941
All right, guys,
here it is.
341
00:14:09,976 --> 00:14:11,509
Prescott Towers.
342
00:14:11,544 --> 00:14:15,046
Quahog's premier luxury
living experience.
343
00:14:15,081 --> 00:14:18,082
♪ ♪
344
00:14:18,117 --> 00:14:22,253
MAN: Nestled somewhere between the
ocean and your imagination:
345
00:14:22,288 --> 00:14:23,821
Prescott Towers.
346
00:14:23,856 --> 00:14:26,123
Quahog's only luxury residence
347
00:14:26,159 --> 00:14:29,193
catering exclusively
to the affluent.
348
00:14:29,229 --> 00:14:31,062
WOMAN:
Affluent means rich.
349
00:14:31,097 --> 00:14:32,964
MAN:
Come live in the kind of place
350
00:14:32,999 --> 00:14:36,133
a Persian guy would say
is a little much.
351
00:14:38,771 --> 00:14:40,638
The ceiling is a pool.
The ceiling is a pool.
352
00:14:40,673 --> 00:14:42,139
Quagmire, you got to get this.
353
00:14:42,175 --> 00:14:44,475
I don't know about buying
a place without seeing it first.
354
00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:46,310
Of course not. I
wouldn't expect you to.
355
00:14:46,346 --> 00:14:48,579
But as your friend, I wanted
to let you know early
356
00:14:48,615 --> 00:14:50,881
because there's another buyer
who's about to snap it up.
357
00:14:50,917 --> 00:14:52,617
I think he's a
pilot for Delta.
358
00:14:52,652 --> 00:14:53,751
Delta?
359
00:14:53,786 --> 00:14:55,219
It's not Lew Sheridan,
is it?
360
00:14:55,255 --> 00:14:57,154
Well, I'm not really
permitted to say.
361
00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:58,356
Do you like
Lew Sheridan?
362
00:14:58,391 --> 00:14:59,557
I hate Lew Sheridan.
363
00:14:59,592 --> 00:15:01,626
It's Lew Sheridan.
That son of a bitch!
364
00:15:01,661 --> 00:15:03,794
Say what you want, but he's got
an eye for real estate. Let me
365
00:15:03,830 --> 00:15:05,930
just give him a call and let him
know he's gonna get the place.
366
00:15:05,965 --> 00:15:07,932
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
367
00:15:07,967 --> 00:15:09,300
Okay. I'll take it.
368
00:15:09,335 --> 00:15:11,235
All right. You
won't be sorry.
369
00:15:11,271 --> 00:15:13,070
Yeah, that condo
looks awesome.
370
00:15:13,106 --> 00:15:15,006
You're makin'
a smart move, Quagmire.
371
00:15:15,041 --> 00:15:17,808
Like I did when I wanted to
get out of that boring meeting.
372
00:15:17,844 --> 00:15:19,910
Third quarter projections
indicate our sales
373
00:15:19,946 --> 00:15:21,812
will be down 40%.
374
00:15:21,848 --> 00:15:23,781
Why don't we go through
the profit-loss statement
375
00:15:23,816 --> 00:15:25,950
line by line from
the past six quarters,
376
00:15:25,985 --> 00:15:28,486
which will offer us a good
cost analysis comparison
377
00:15:28,521 --> 00:15:30,421
(grunting) that I think we'll
be able to utilize
378
00:15:30,456 --> 00:15:32,923
as we move forward - Aah!
into the next fiscal year.
379
00:15:32,959 --> 00:15:34,425
Hey, guys,
I got to leave.
380
00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:36,994
I got a nosebleed,
and, uh, I don't work here.
381
00:15:41,834 --> 00:15:43,701
All right, Quagmire,
now when you introduce us
382
00:15:43,736 --> 00:15:45,036
to the ladies
by the pool,
383
00:15:45,071 --> 00:15:47,004
I'm a millionaire,
Joe's a war hero,
384
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,873
and Cleveland
is Magic Johnson.
385
00:15:48,908 --> 00:15:50,608
I own a lot
of theaters.
386
00:15:50,643 --> 00:15:53,544
I hope you don't know
much else about me.
387
00:15:58,418 --> 00:15:59,550
Is this the right address?
388
00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:00,785
This doesn't look
like the building
389
00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:01,986
from Brian's presentation.
390
00:16:02,021 --> 00:16:03,187
Come on, Quagmire.
391
00:16:03,222 --> 00:16:05,056
Never judge a book
by its cover.
392
00:16:05,091 --> 00:16:06,457
Or a movie.
393
00:16:07,927 --> 00:16:09,694
No.
394
00:16:17,437 --> 00:16:20,037
It's probably nothing,
but there's a stain on the rug
395
00:16:20,073 --> 00:16:21,472
in the shape of a little kid.
396
00:16:21,507 --> 00:16:23,107
I don't know if
you want this now,
397
00:16:23,142 --> 00:16:25,643
but I bought you
a mini cactus.
398
00:16:25,678 --> 00:16:27,945
What the hell?
This is a dump.
399
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:30,614
Well, maybe it's still
got a nice ocean view.
400
00:16:30,650 --> 00:16:33,484
The harbor is poisoned.
401
00:16:33,519 --> 00:16:35,286
Damn it.
Brian screwed me.
402
00:16:35,321 --> 00:16:37,922
That's why I've never made any
major investments with my dog.
403
00:16:37,957 --> 00:16:39,190
What am I gonna do?
404
00:16:39,225 --> 00:16:41,559
I sank my entire bonus
into this place.
405
00:16:41,594 --> 00:16:43,394
Let me see your
contract, Quagmire.
406
00:16:43,429 --> 00:16:45,396
There's got to be
a way out of this.
407
00:16:45,431 --> 00:16:47,531
I'm gonna kill him,
that's what I'm gonna do.
408
00:16:47,567 --> 00:16:49,133
ClubAmigos.
409
00:16:49,168 --> 00:16:50,868
That's what we're gonna
call this place.
410
00:16:50,903 --> 00:16:54,138
Here it is. You've got
72 hours after closing
411
00:16:54,173 --> 00:16:56,774
to rescind the
purchase. State law.
412
00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:59,710
Thank God. I got to go
tell Brian the deal's off.
413
00:16:59,746 --> 00:17:02,012
Oh, there's a head
in the freezer.
414
00:17:02,048 --> 00:17:04,181
Ooh, and sherbert.
415
00:17:07,286 --> 00:17:08,853
We're looking for
Brian Griffin.
416
00:17:08,888 --> 00:17:10,521
I'm still within 72 hours,
and I want
417
00:17:10,556 --> 00:17:11,822
to get out of my contract.
418
00:17:11,858 --> 00:17:14,125
You'd have to speak to
Mr. Griffin about that.
419
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,127
But I'm sorry, he's
not in the office.
420
00:17:16,162 --> 00:17:17,328
Where the hell is he?
421
00:17:17,363 --> 00:17:18,529
Slow down, Quagmire.
422
00:17:18,564 --> 00:17:20,164
This sounds like
a discussion to have
423
00:17:20,199 --> 00:17:22,199
over a cone-shaped cup of water.
424
00:17:25,171 --> 00:17:26,437
Ah.
425
00:17:26,472 --> 00:17:28,939
You can drink from these
and then put 'em on your head
426
00:17:28,975 --> 00:17:31,642
to be a clown
from an Italian opera.
427
00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:34,712
♪ Laughing outside,
crying down below ♪
428
00:17:34,747 --> 00:17:37,381
♪ Pasta, meatballs,
Joe DiMaggio ♪
429
00:17:37,417 --> 00:17:41,385
♪ Fellatio, Pinocchio,
a pizza pie from Domino's ♪
430
00:17:41,421 --> 00:17:44,722
♪ All of this because
I'm singing in a pointy hat. ♪
431
00:17:44,757 --> 00:17:47,725
Look, Mr. Griffin's not here,
but if you leave your name,
432
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,827
I'll let him know
you stopped by.
433
00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:51,896
(quick sigh)
Fine. Glenn Quagmire.
434
00:17:51,931 --> 00:17:53,798
Have him call me
the minute he gets in.
435
00:17:56,469 --> 00:17:58,469
They're gone.
436
00:17:59,472 --> 00:18:01,305
Well, for the next 72 hours,
437
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,442
I'm gonna be harder to find
than a nice cat.
438
00:18:04,477 --> 00:18:06,977
You need me to clean out
your litter box?
439
00:18:10,650 --> 00:18:13,017
Mittens.
440
00:18:16,289 --> 00:18:18,456
Okay, Rupert, we're
going to play a game.
441
00:18:18,491 --> 00:18:20,090
I'm gonna be Buffalo Bill,
442
00:18:20,126 --> 00:18:22,393
and you're gonna be
a great big fat person.
443
00:18:23,663 --> 00:18:24,829
Close the lid.
444
00:18:24,864 --> 00:18:26,063
Brian? What are you doing?
445
00:18:26,098 --> 00:18:28,165
I'm hiding from Quagmire
for a few more hours.
446
00:18:28,201 --> 00:18:30,034
After that, he won't be able
to pull out of that deal.
447
00:18:30,069 --> 00:18:32,703
Well, if anybody knows how
to pull out, it's Quagmire.
448
00:18:32,738 --> 00:18:35,573
♪ ♪
449
00:18:35,608 --> 00:18:38,309
I have a lot of fun
up here in my room.
450
00:18:52,725 --> 00:18:55,159
Welcome home.
451
00:18:55,194 --> 00:18:57,161
Aah! Hey-Hey,
there, buddy.
452
00:18:57,196 --> 00:18:59,830
There you are. I've been
looking all over for you.
453
00:18:59,866 --> 00:19:01,999
That's why you've been
hiding from me in this motel?
454
00:19:02,034 --> 00:19:04,168
Now let me out of this deal
and give me my money back.
455
00:19:04,203 --> 00:19:06,537
Look, i-if you're not happy
with your current property,
456
00:19:06,572 --> 00:19:08,072
we could roll
your money over
457
00:19:08,107 --> 00:19:10,140
into something in
Sinkhole Estates.
458
00:19:10,176 --> 00:19:11,942
Those places are going
very fast, though.
459
00:19:11,978 --> 00:19:13,344
Who's a pilot you hate?
460
00:19:13,379 --> 00:19:14,945
You are such a scumbag.
461
00:19:14,981 --> 00:19:16,046
You know, when you were poor,
462
00:19:16,082 --> 00:19:17,248
you were always a douche,
463
00:19:17,283 --> 00:19:18,916
but at least you
came by it honestly.
464
00:19:18,951 --> 00:19:21,519
But now, screwing over
the people who helped you?
465
00:19:21,554 --> 00:19:24,021
I don't know how
you sleep at night.
466
00:19:24,056 --> 00:19:25,890
(sighs)
467
00:19:25,925 --> 00:19:27,324
My God.
468
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,826
You're right.
469
00:19:28,861 --> 00:19:30,327
I'm a jerk.
470
00:19:30,363 --> 00:19:33,531
I'm a selfish
and pretentious jerk.
471
00:19:33,566 --> 00:19:34,999
And you're
the only guy in town
472
00:19:35,034 --> 00:19:37,768
who's ever called me out
on my crap.
473
00:19:37,803 --> 00:19:39,870
You know, I used to hate you
for it, but...
474
00:19:39,906 --> 00:19:41,338
now I think
you're the only person
475
00:19:41,374 --> 00:19:43,407
who was trying
to be my friend.
476
00:19:43,442 --> 00:19:45,075
No, I think you're
misunderstanding me.
477
00:19:45,111 --> 00:19:46,277
No, I'm serious.
478
00:19:46,312 --> 00:19:48,045
Even though I know
you never liked me,
479
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,381
you still helped me
when I really needed it.
480
00:19:50,416 --> 00:19:52,983
That says a lot
about your character.
481
00:19:53,019 --> 00:19:54,919
I'm ashamed of myself.
482
00:19:54,954 --> 00:19:57,288
Because I am none
of the things you are.
483
00:19:57,323 --> 00:20:00,257
You're honest, and direct,
and compassionate,
484
00:20:00,293 --> 00:20:01,892
(beeping)
and...
485
00:20:01,928 --> 00:20:03,260
that is 72 hours.
486
00:20:03,296 --> 00:20:05,529
Enjoy your craphole, dumbass.
487
00:20:05,565 --> 00:20:07,531
You son of a bitch!
488
00:20:13,172 --> 00:20:14,838
Wow, so I guess
that's it for you
489
00:20:14,874 --> 00:20:16,440
and real estate,
huh, Brian?
490
00:20:16,475 --> 00:20:19,009
Yeah, it was a lot
tougher than I thought.
491
00:20:19,045 --> 00:20:21,612
Oh, yeah, it's real hard
being a real estate agent.
492
00:20:21,647 --> 00:20:23,948
I mean, you got to be
able to count bathrooms.
493
00:20:23,983 --> 00:20:26,483
I once beat a real estate agent
in a game of chess.
494
00:20:26,519 --> 00:20:27,685
Me. A well-known buffoon.
495
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:28,886
Face it,
you failed
496
00:20:28,921 --> 00:20:31,155
at people's
safety net job.
497
00:20:31,190 --> 00:20:33,023
Oh, come on, guys.
Give me a break, huh?
498
00:20:33,059 --> 00:20:34,358
I've had a
rough day.
499
00:20:34,393 --> 00:20:35,693
You've had
a rough day?
500
00:20:35,728 --> 00:20:37,837
You guys wouldn't
believe the day I've had.
501
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,682
First of all, I didn't have any
clean underwear this morning,
502
00:20:40,683 --> 00:20:42,646
so I had to wear
a bathing suit.
503
00:20:42,647 --> 00:20:45,445
Then I missed the bus,
of course. Then it looked like
504
00:20:45,446 --> 00:20:47,286
it was gonna start to rain.
Luckily, it didn't.
505
00:20:47,998 --> 00:20:51,174
And like that wasn't enough,
then we had a pop quiz in history.
506
00:20:51,175 --> 00:20:51,626
(grunting)
507
00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:54,175
Oh, European history. American
history was last year. Then...
508
00:20:54,176 --> 00:20:57,302
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man