1 00:00:02,742 --> 00:00:03,974 Morning, Jackson. 2 00:00:03,976 --> 00:00:05,443 That was quite a game last night. 3 00:00:05,445 --> 00:00:06,811 Crazy, right? 4 00:00:06,813 --> 00:00:08,879 Watching my mom destroy my sister at Monopoly. 5 00:00:08,881 --> 00:00:11,615 Yeah, I sort of thought we were all gonna play. 6 00:00:11,617 --> 00:00:13,918 Boss is coming. Look busy. 7 00:00:23,595 --> 00:00:24,995 Loyal subjects! 8 00:00:24,997 --> 00:00:27,498 Due to some recent cost overruns -- 9 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:30,101 health plan, thanks, current president -- 10 00:00:30,103 --> 00:00:32,870 the C.I.A. is just a wee bit over budget. 11 00:00:32,872 --> 00:00:34,772 Cutbacks must be made, 12 00:00:34,774 --> 00:00:37,975 and since it's not going to be my hover-throne polisher... 13 00:00:37,977 --> 00:00:41,946 Certain things are still sacred, Your Highness. 14 00:00:41,948 --> 00:00:44,081 ...we must get creative. 15 00:00:44,083 --> 00:00:47,918 I'm looking for one volunteer to enjoy a one-month vacation. 16 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,687 Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ooh! Ooh! Ohh! Ohh! 17 00:00:49,689 --> 00:00:51,589 Without pay. Ooh! Ooh! 18 00:00:51,591 --> 00:00:52,656 Ooh! Ooh! 19 00:00:52,658 --> 00:00:54,024 Wait -- what was that last thing? 20 00:00:54,026 --> 00:00:55,826 It seemed to change everyone's mind. 21 00:00:58,463 --> 00:01:01,065 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 22 00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:04,835 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 23 00:01:04,837 --> 00:01:08,038 ♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 24 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:12,443 ♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 25 00:01:14,179 --> 00:01:17,681 ♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say 26 00:01:17,683 --> 00:01:20,050 ♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 27 00:01:20,052 --> 00:01:25,823 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 28 00:01:28,461 --> 00:01:29,860 You've been furloughed? 29 00:01:29,862 --> 00:01:32,029 Don't worry. I got another job for the month. 30 00:01:32,031 --> 00:01:34,698 You're looking at the newest campus security officer 31 00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:36,200 at Groff Community College. 32 00:01:36,202 --> 00:01:37,835 You're camp sec? 33 00:01:37,837 --> 00:01:39,170 Oh, no. You're not gonna be there, are you? 34 00:01:39,172 --> 00:01:40,704 No, 'cause midterms are next week, 35 00:01:40,706 --> 00:01:42,006 and I always quit before those. 36 00:01:42,008 --> 00:01:43,107 Sweet. 37 00:01:43,109 --> 00:01:44,809 Oh, and another good thing -- 38 00:01:44,811 --> 00:01:46,911 my new job's gonna pay me even more... 39 00:01:46,913 --> 00:01:47,995 frequently. 40 00:01:48,115 --> 00:01:50,648 The total money is a lot less, but I'm paid... 41 00:01:50,650 --> 00:01:52,583 weekly. 42 00:01:52,585 --> 00:01:54,018 That doesn't sound great, dad. 43 00:01:54,020 --> 00:01:55,653 Maybe not for you, 44 00:01:55,655 --> 00:01:57,221 but for me, it's like going back to college. 45 00:01:57,223 --> 00:01:58,923 I'll be cruisin' around campus, 46 00:01:58,925 --> 00:02:00,724 pajama-pantsin' with the co-eds, 47 00:02:00,726 --> 00:02:02,860 skippin' class, and workin' out guitar licks, 48 00:02:02,862 --> 00:02:03,861 late night. 49 00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:09,733 Sounds like we're gonna have to 50 00:02:09,735 --> 00:02:11,135 tighten our belts around here. 51 00:02:11,137 --> 00:02:13,604 No! I will not give up my coconut water! 52 00:02:13,606 --> 00:02:15,973 My potassium levels are everything to me! 53 00:02:15,975 --> 00:02:18,609 We're just gonna have to find that money somewhere else. 54 00:02:18,611 --> 00:02:21,011 Wait -- Roger, what about that bed-and-breakfast 55 00:02:21,013 --> 00:02:22,179 you've been dying to do? 56 00:02:22,181 --> 00:02:23,948 Yeah, the Inn Under the Attic. 57 00:02:23,950 --> 00:02:25,683 Oh, no -- I will not jeopardize 58 00:02:25,685 --> 00:02:27,718 my five-circle rating on Tripplanner. 59 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:28,886 You mean "stars." 60 00:02:28,888 --> 00:02:30,654 Actually, they use circles. 61 00:02:30,656 --> 00:02:32,623 Maybe they're owl eyes? Areolas? 62 00:02:32,625 --> 00:02:33,858 I don't know. It's confusing. 63 00:02:33,860 --> 00:02:35,559 But it's very important to me! 64 00:02:35,561 --> 00:02:37,995 How do you have ratings if no one's ever stayed there? 65 00:02:37,997 --> 00:02:39,930 Oh, I've entertained satisfied visitors 66 00:02:39,932 --> 00:02:41,131 from all over the world -- 67 00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:43,901 Omar, Benyamin, Chinese peasant. 68 00:02:43,903 --> 00:02:47,204 Mantu here was so happy, he tipped me a narwhal tusk. 69 00:02:47,206 --> 00:02:49,106 Got 75 cents for it on eBay. 70 00:02:49,108 --> 00:02:51,041 Took a bath on the shipping. 71 00:02:51,043 --> 00:02:52,743 How can you be proud of those reviews? 72 00:02:52,745 --> 00:02:53,878 You wrote them all. 73 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,312 Hmm. 74 00:02:55,314 --> 00:02:56,914 I have always wondered what it'd be like 75 00:02:56,916 --> 00:02:59,950 to entertain a...real guest. 76 00:02:59,952 --> 00:03:01,018 I'll do it! 77 00:03:01,020 --> 00:03:02,286 But only if you all promise 78 00:03:02,288 --> 00:03:04,288 to help me keep my five-circle rating. 79 00:03:04,290 --> 00:03:06,223 Well, you can count on us, sir. 80 00:03:06,225 --> 00:03:08,959 Shall I plug in the reservation line? 81 00:03:08,961 --> 00:03:10,628 Yes. 82 00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:11,829 It's time. 83 00:03:13,064 --> 00:03:14,231 Wow. That was really fast -- 84 00:03:14,233 --> 00:03:15,833 Get it on the first ring! 85 00:03:15,835 --> 00:03:18,168 Inn Under the Attic. This is Roger. 86 00:03:18,170 --> 00:03:20,671 Aah! This is happening! 87 00:03:23,241 --> 00:03:26,443 Remember, any student riding their bike in a pedestrian area 88 00:03:26,445 --> 00:03:29,980 is in violation of Code 33-A, so write 'em up. 89 00:03:29,982 --> 00:03:31,515 Last order of business -- 90 00:03:31,517 --> 00:03:33,484 I'd like to welcome our newest officer. 91 00:03:33,486 --> 00:03:35,185 Everybody, this is Stan Smith. 92 00:03:35,187 --> 00:03:38,055 Yo, boss man, do I get my golf cart now? 93 00:03:38,057 --> 00:03:40,324 Eager to jump in. I like it. 94 00:03:40,326 --> 00:03:44,828 More like eager to jump into a fat burrito -- mouth-first. 95 00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:46,964 And lastly, the school's orangutan mascot's 96 00:03:46,966 --> 00:03:48,499 been missing since last week. 97 00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:50,034 If anyone sees it, 98 00:03:50,036 --> 00:03:52,002 alert the new head of the zoology department. 99 00:03:52,004 --> 00:03:53,804 You mean that 4-foot-tall professor 100 00:03:53,806 --> 00:03:55,272 with the tweed jacket and no pants 101 00:03:55,274 --> 00:03:56,740 who started last week? 102 00:03:56,742 --> 00:03:58,542 Yes, Dr. Tang ooo-ooo-ah-ah. 103 00:03:58,544 --> 00:04:00,311 I think it's "Ah-ah-ooo-ooo." 104 00:04:00,313 --> 00:04:01,912 No. It's not. 105 00:04:14,926 --> 00:04:16,794 So, Josh, how'd you break your ankle? 106 00:04:16,796 --> 00:04:19,263 The same way everyone in college breaks their ankle -- 107 00:04:19,265 --> 00:04:20,898 playing mushroom soccer. 108 00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:23,000 Ahh, kicking mushrooms around. 109 00:04:23,002 --> 00:04:24,468 Nothing's changed. 110 00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:26,971 You don't seem like the other officers around here. 111 00:04:26,973 --> 00:04:29,406 'Cause I'm not. I'm just here to chill with you guys. 112 00:04:29,408 --> 00:04:31,508 Why don't you think of me as a cool uncle? 113 00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:32,910 Yeah. 114 00:04:32,912 --> 00:04:35,112 Your coolest uncle. 115 00:04:35,114 --> 00:04:36,914 O...kay. 116 00:04:38,283 --> 00:04:40,451 And if you change your mind about me signing your cast, 117 00:04:40,453 --> 00:04:42,620 just pick up one of the blue phones around campus. 118 00:04:42,622 --> 00:04:44,021 That's what they're there for. 119 00:04:44,023 --> 00:04:45,456 Well, that and rapes. 120 00:04:45,458 --> 00:04:46,857 Stopping them! 121 00:04:49,383 --> 00:04:52,477 Officer Smith, what is your current tactical situation? 122 00:04:52,597 --> 00:04:55,989 Oh, I'm, uh... in pursuit of a Code 58. 123 00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,824 I'm gonna initiate a 41-C. 124 00:04:57,826 --> 00:04:59,292 You spotted a public sex act 125 00:04:59,294 --> 00:05:01,327 and you're doing a horse-based takedown? 126 00:05:01,329 --> 00:05:03,029 You know it, baby. 127 00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:09,135 I wonder where it goes. 128 00:05:12,940 --> 00:05:16,042 You kids about to play ultimate frisbee on the quad? 129 00:05:16,044 --> 00:05:17,877 I know -- we're not supposed to. 130 00:05:17,879 --> 00:05:19,112 Oh, I don't care about that. 131 00:05:19,114 --> 00:05:20,747 Just seems like you're short a player. 132 00:05:20,749 --> 00:05:22,882 You want to...play? 133 00:05:22,884 --> 00:05:24,984 Does this answer your question? 134 00:05:26,888 --> 00:05:28,154 He's having a seizure! 135 00:05:28,156 --> 00:05:30,123 Quick -- put a wallet in his mouth! 136 00:05:31,525 --> 00:05:33,793 Yep, this is me right here -- Loeb Hall. 137 00:05:33,795 --> 00:05:34,894 You like skids? 138 00:05:35,931 --> 00:05:38,898 Tokyo drift! 139 00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:40,867 Whoa! That was pretty sick. 140 00:05:40,869 --> 00:05:42,936 Hey, how 'bout signing my cast? 141 00:05:42,938 --> 00:05:44,637 Yes! 142 00:05:44,639 --> 00:05:46,959 I was hoping you'd let me, so I've been practicing all day. 143 00:05:49,984 --> 00:05:52,278 There you are, Mr. Cavendish -- all checked in. 144 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,280 Oh, just curious -- how did you hear about us? 145 00:05:54,282 --> 00:05:56,015 Hm. Funny story, really. 146 00:05:56,017 --> 00:05:57,850 I found you on Tripplanner. 147 00:05:57,852 --> 00:06:00,219 Oh, you weren't kidding! 148 00:06:00,221 --> 00:06:01,921 That is hilarious, sir. 149 00:06:01,923 --> 00:06:03,957 Well, I hope you'll enjoy your stay. 150 00:06:03,959 --> 00:06:06,392 I expect I shall. I'm a simple man, really. 151 00:06:06,394 --> 00:06:08,227 There's only one thing I ask of you. 152 00:06:08,229 --> 00:06:09,228 Name it. 153 00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:11,364 Absolute perfection. 154 00:06:12,334 --> 00:06:14,400 Will that be a problem? 155 00:06:14,402 --> 00:06:17,136 It shadn't -- not for this staff. 156 00:06:17,138 --> 00:06:19,973 I only hope you're ready for absolute perfection, 157 00:06:19,975 --> 00:06:22,175 because it can be very overwhelming. 158 00:06:22,177 --> 00:06:24,143 Oh, I think you'll find 159 00:06:24,145 --> 00:06:26,512 that I'm almost always underwhelmed. 160 00:06:27,983 --> 00:06:29,849 Not while you're under my care. 161 00:06:31,286 --> 00:06:33,987 Be careful promising what you can't deliver. 162 00:06:33,989 --> 00:06:37,190 De-liver is our special for dinner tonight. 163 00:06:37,192 --> 00:06:38,891 Woman, buy some liver. 164 00:06:41,328 --> 00:06:43,863 Sorry I'm late. Meghan just broke up with Duncan. 165 00:06:43,865 --> 00:06:45,365 I had to talk her through it. 166 00:06:45,367 --> 00:06:47,934 I was like, "What did you expect, Meghan? It's Duncan." 167 00:06:47,936 --> 00:06:49,869 Glad you survived your first day. 168 00:06:49,871 --> 00:06:51,237 Survived it? I loved it! 169 00:06:51,239 --> 00:06:52,939 I mean, the kids are great. 170 00:06:52,941 --> 00:06:55,041 They -- they keep saying I'm like their cool uncle. 171 00:06:55,043 --> 00:06:56,576 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 172 00:06:56,578 --> 00:06:58,011 You're not here to make friends with the students. 173 00:06:58,013 --> 00:06:59,479 If they see you as a friend, 174 00:06:59,481 --> 00:07:01,114 they won't accept you as an authority figure. 175 00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:02,448 We just got a call 176 00:07:02,450 --> 00:07:03,783 from that girl in Loeb who hates parties. 177 00:07:03,785 --> 00:07:04,817 Apparently, there's a kegger 178 00:07:04,819 --> 00:07:06,052 getting a little out of hand. 179 00:07:06,054 --> 00:07:07,453 Code 6. I'll go write 'em up. 180 00:07:07,455 --> 00:07:09,288 Or we do this the easy way. 181 00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:11,290 My boy Josh lives in that dorm. 182 00:07:11,292 --> 00:07:13,226 He'll help me keep it mellow. 183 00:07:13,228 --> 00:07:14,994 Just write 'em up and shut 'em down. 184 00:07:14,996 --> 00:07:16,829 Remember, Smith, he's not your friend. 185 00:07:16,831 --> 00:07:18,297 Oh, yeah? 186 00:07:18,299 --> 00:07:20,266 Then why'd he swipe me into the dining hall earlier? 187 00:07:20,268 --> 00:07:22,268 We mixed five cereals together, 188 00:07:22,270 --> 00:07:24,170 and now we're crunch brothers. 189 00:07:30,177 --> 00:07:31,511 Hey, dudes and dudettes, 190 00:07:31,513 --> 00:07:33,980 hate to be this guy, but we got a call. 191 00:07:33,982 --> 00:07:35,281 I said we got a call. 192 00:07:35,283 --> 00:07:37,950 I'm gonna have to ask you to turn it down. 193 00:07:37,952 --> 00:07:39,185 Hey, that you, Troy? 194 00:07:39,187 --> 00:07:40,920 Nope. 195 00:07:40,922 --> 00:07:43,222 I think it was. 196 00:07:43,224 --> 00:07:44,390 Josh! 197 00:07:44,392 --> 00:07:46,793 Hey! Officer Stan! 198 00:07:46,795 --> 00:07:48,027 Uncle Stan. 199 00:07:48,029 --> 00:07:49,162 Nice room. 200 00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:50,930 Dope mini fridge. 201 00:07:50,932 --> 00:07:52,231 We got one at H.Q. 202 00:07:52,233 --> 00:07:54,567 Fits three pepsis and Elliot's insulin. 203 00:07:54,569 --> 00:07:56,936 Hey! Tina's here! What up, Teenz? 204 00:07:56,938 --> 00:07:58,337 You here to party? 205 00:07:58,339 --> 00:08:00,339 In a way. I'm here to stop this party. 206 00:08:00,341 --> 00:08:02,442 Come on, man. Be cool. 207 00:08:02,444 --> 00:08:04,477 Yeah, Uncle Stan. 208 00:08:04,479 --> 00:08:06,479 All right, how 'bout we just turn the music down? 209 00:08:06,481 --> 00:08:08,514 And maybe stop drinking illegally. 210 00:08:08,516 --> 00:08:10,850 Or how 'bout you get on your golf cart 211 00:08:10,852 --> 00:08:12,952 and, like, get out of here! 212 00:08:16,157 --> 00:08:18,191 Don't touch my stuff, man! 213 00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:20,159 You don't touch your stuff after I've touched your stuff, 214 00:08:20,161 --> 00:08:21,828 or I'll have to touch it again! 215 00:08:24,966 --> 00:08:27,033 That's it! Music's going off! 216 00:08:29,437 --> 00:08:32,038 What have you done?! My jambox! 217 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,841 It was with me the first time I kissed a girl, 218 00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:36,375 when I lost my virginity, 219 00:08:36,377 --> 00:08:38,311 when I experimented with Kyle! 220 00:08:38,313 --> 00:08:40,847 Josh! Shut up, man! 221 00:08:40,849 --> 00:08:42,548 Oh, yeah, real embarrassing, Kyle. 222 00:08:42,550 --> 00:08:45,952 You hooked up with beautiful, green-eyed Josh. 223 00:08:47,588 --> 00:08:49,522 Finally -- I can sleep! 224 00:08:49,524 --> 00:08:51,124 Then do it, snitch! 225 00:08:54,261 --> 00:08:56,996 Consider that party busted. 226 00:08:56,998 --> 00:08:58,097 Nice going, Smith. 227 00:08:58,099 --> 00:08:59,866 How many citations you rack up? 228 00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,267 Well, none, actually. 229 00:09:01,269 --> 00:09:03,469 I dealt with them more on a peer-to-peer level. 230 00:09:03,471 --> 00:09:05,972 Uh, sir, there's people gathering in the quad. 231 00:09:05,974 --> 00:09:08,107 Okay, it's just some kids from the party. 232 00:09:08,109 --> 00:09:10,543 They're probably here to apologize. 233 00:09:13,148 --> 00:09:15,414 Looks like we got ourselves a protest. 234 00:09:15,416 --> 00:09:18,151 All this over a stupid jambox? 235 00:09:21,489 --> 00:09:23,156 Can they hear me? 236 00:09:27,771 --> 00:09:29,339 Hey, everybody. 237 00:09:29,341 --> 00:09:31,508 Gather 'round uncle Stan for a quick powwow. 238 00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:35,144 There he is -- the guy who trashed Josh's place! 239 00:09:35,146 --> 00:09:36,846 Oof. They sound pissed. 240 00:09:36,848 --> 00:09:38,448 Time to win 'em over 241 00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:40,717 with a little Willy Wonka razzle-dazzle. 242 00:09:48,559 --> 00:09:49,792 Hey, you suck! 243 00:09:49,794 --> 00:09:51,461 Have you guys not seen this movie? 244 00:09:51,463 --> 00:09:52,762 You ruined our party! 245 00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:54,464 And abused your authority! 246 00:09:54,466 --> 00:09:56,666 What?! I was trying to be your bud! 247 00:09:56,668 --> 00:09:58,468 I'm cool Uncle Stan! 248 00:09:58,470 --> 00:09:59,669 Good with the frisbee. 249 00:09:59,671 --> 00:10:01,104 Here -- let's toss it around! 250 00:10:01,106 --> 00:10:01,804 Joshie! 251 00:10:01,806 --> 00:10:02,839 Josh, look out! 252 00:10:06,678 --> 00:10:08,578 You're okay. You're okay. 253 00:10:09,580 --> 00:10:11,447 Waaaaaaaah! 254 00:10:11,449 --> 00:10:12,715 Brutality! 255 00:10:17,722 --> 00:10:19,355 It's all good! 256 00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:20,590 It's all good! 257 00:10:20,592 --> 00:10:21,791 It's all good! 258 00:10:35,540 --> 00:10:37,140 Uh-huh? 259 00:10:37,142 --> 00:10:39,609 Oh, dear. I hope I haven't woken you. 260 00:10:39,611 --> 00:10:41,778 Of course not. We are always here to serve. 261 00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:43,446 Mm. I'm feeling a bit peckish. 262 00:10:43,448 --> 00:10:45,281 Could you have the kitchen send up 263 00:10:45,283 --> 00:10:46,783 some bacon-wrapped scallops? 264 00:10:46,785 --> 00:10:48,551 I'll get my chef right on it. 265 00:10:48,553 --> 00:10:50,720 And some lavender-scented hand towels? 266 00:10:50,722 --> 00:10:52,522 I'll speak to the maids. 267 00:10:52,524 --> 00:10:54,657 Also, it's dark, so I can't be sure, 268 00:10:54,659 --> 00:10:56,759 but the lawn looks a bit scruffy 269 00:10:56,761 --> 00:10:58,728 by the bristly dewberry bush. 270 00:10:58,730 --> 00:11:00,196 I'll check immediately. 271 00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:03,566 Who the [bleep] is this guy? 272 00:11:07,738 --> 00:11:09,238 I don't have scallops. 273 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,441 A five-circle hotel has everything! 274 00:11:11,443 --> 00:11:14,310 I guess I could mold tuna fish into a little puck. 275 00:11:14,312 --> 00:11:16,746 Or -- or I could cut a piece of hot dog off 276 00:11:16,748 --> 00:11:18,481 and cover it in fish oil. 277 00:11:18,483 --> 00:11:20,483 I don't care how you do it! Just get it done! 278 00:11:22,386 --> 00:11:25,388 If you do the hot-dog way, make one for me. 279 00:11:25,390 --> 00:11:26,889 Soak them in lavender oil. 280 00:11:26,891 --> 00:11:28,391 But that'll ruin them! 281 00:11:28,393 --> 00:11:30,259 With the $49 he's spending for that room, 282 00:11:30,261 --> 00:11:32,362 you can buy all the towels in the world! 283 00:11:33,397 --> 00:11:35,431 Did you get by the dewberry bush? 284 00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,633 I have no idea. 285 00:11:36,635 --> 00:11:38,468 Just mow it all! Mow everything! 286 00:11:41,873 --> 00:11:44,474 Everything is on its way. Enjoy your evening. 287 00:11:44,476 --> 00:11:45,742 One more thing. 288 00:11:45,744 --> 00:11:48,211 I like to read before I go to sleep. 289 00:11:48,213 --> 00:11:51,280 Tonight, I'm in the mood for a Charles Dickens novel... 290 00:11:51,282 --> 00:11:52,715 set in space... 291 00:11:52,717 --> 00:11:55,852 featuring the animals from the "Madagascar" films. 292 00:11:57,488 --> 00:11:59,594 Tell him it's rough, but the bones are there. 293 00:12:00,106 --> 00:12:00,954 Good morning. 294 00:12:01,074 --> 00:12:03,459 I'm Greg Corbin here at Groff Community College, 295 00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:05,561 where a seed of protest planted last night 296 00:12:05,563 --> 00:12:08,598 has flowered and is now bearing angry fruit. 297 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,801 You know, if we fight 'em, it'll be a hell of a battle. 298 00:12:11,803 --> 00:12:13,269 There's not gonna be a battle. 299 00:12:13,271 --> 00:12:14,504 Looks like we're doin' a battle. 300 00:12:14,506 --> 00:12:16,339 Just got off the horn with the chancellor. 301 00:12:16,341 --> 00:12:19,175 Got to clear 'em out before it turns into a P.R. nightmare. 302 00:12:19,177 --> 00:12:20,843 Did he authorize excessive force? 303 00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:22,445 He explicitly forbade it. 304 00:12:22,447 --> 00:12:24,447 But there was a wink in his voice. 305 00:12:24,449 --> 00:12:26,315 Yeah! All right! All right! 306 00:12:30,487 --> 00:12:32,422 Everyone got their riot gear on? 307 00:12:32,424 --> 00:12:33,723 This isn't real gear. 308 00:12:33,725 --> 00:12:35,958 It says "Property of Theater Department." 309 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,227 What -- are you afraid of the theater department? 310 00:12:38,229 --> 00:12:39,595 No, that wasn't my point at all. 311 00:12:39,597 --> 00:12:41,197 Now get over here and arm up! 312 00:12:41,199 --> 00:12:42,665 We got zip cuffs, pepper spray, 313 00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:44,801 and some stuff we found on the fraternity lawns 314 00:12:44,803 --> 00:12:46,002 after pledge week. 315 00:12:46,004 --> 00:12:47,704 Some of it's pretty badass. 316 00:12:53,611 --> 00:12:55,478 No way! A "Scarface" poster! 317 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,480 I know just where I'm putting this. 318 00:12:57,482 --> 00:13:01,217 Say hello to my little basement apartment. 319 00:13:01,219 --> 00:13:02,685 Look at these fools. 320 00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:04,687 I feel like I'm watching "Paul Blart," 321 00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:06,577 except I'm not peeing myself with laughter. 322 00:13:06,888 --> 00:13:08,121 Hey, check it out, cap. 323 00:13:08,123 --> 00:13:09,356 I can force this down their throats 324 00:13:09,358 --> 00:13:10,457 and pump 'em full of air! 325 00:13:10,459 --> 00:13:11,958 Nice! 326 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,426 Let's see how long this protest lasts 327 00:13:13,428 --> 00:13:15,328 when they see their friends popping like blisters. 328 00:13:15,330 --> 00:13:17,397 Whoa. Guys, we're not gonna hurt anyone. 329 00:13:17,399 --> 00:13:19,532 We're just gonna project strength and authority, 330 00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:21,868 and the kids will all go back to their dorms. 331 00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:24,037 Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right. 332 00:13:24,039 --> 00:13:25,605 To war! 333 00:13:25,607 --> 00:13:27,607 Whoo-hoo! Yee-ha! 334 00:13:30,278 --> 00:13:32,045 Fan out in a line! 335 00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:36,616 No, no! Like a chorus line! A chorus line! 336 00:13:36,618 --> 00:13:39,085 Now you're lookin' like warriors! 337 00:13:39,087 --> 00:13:40,553 Disperse immediately, 338 00:13:40,555 --> 00:13:43,556 or we will disperse you by any means necessary! 339 00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:47,327 Oh, boy, these kids need cool Uncle Stan 340 00:13:47,329 --> 00:13:49,129 to stop this from getting ugly. 341 00:13:49,131 --> 00:13:52,365 Students, listen to me! Your safety is at stake! 342 00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:53,900 He's threatening us! 343 00:13:53,902 --> 00:13:55,201 No, they are! 344 00:13:55,203 --> 00:13:56,436 They've got a green light to use force, 345 00:13:56,438 --> 00:13:58,204 and they're looking for an excuse! 346 00:13:58,206 --> 00:14:01,141 Go ahead and try it! We're documenting everything. 347 00:14:01,143 --> 00:14:02,375 She's documenting me! 348 00:14:02,377 --> 00:14:04,144 I feel like I got to do something, man! 349 00:14:04,146 --> 00:14:05,211 Gimme that! 350 00:14:05,213 --> 00:14:07,147 See? These guys are gonna panic! 351 00:14:07,149 --> 00:14:09,582 They're not trained for this! They're just campus security! 352 00:14:09,584 --> 00:14:11,151 So are you! 353 00:14:11,153 --> 00:14:12,719 Well, it's really more of a vacation for me. 354 00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,621 You're lying to yourself! 355 00:14:14,623 --> 00:14:17,123 Okay, it's not fair to say that, 'cause you don't really know me. 356 00:14:17,125 --> 00:14:18,324 I know you're a dummy! 357 00:14:18,326 --> 00:14:19,759 Whoa! Hey! 358 00:14:19,761 --> 00:14:21,361 There's -- there's no need for name-calling. 359 00:14:21,363 --> 00:14:22,996 Smith, are you okay? 360 00:14:22,998 --> 00:14:25,198 You're responding to every single thing the mob says. 361 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,400 I got this. I got this. 362 00:14:27,402 --> 00:14:29,969 Eat a doughnut, you dick! 363 00:14:32,006 --> 00:14:33,239 Hey, Stan! 364 00:14:35,276 --> 00:14:42,248 You're...not...a...cool...uncle. 365 00:14:42,250 --> 00:14:44,551 Jo-o-o-sh! 366 00:14:44,553 --> 00:14:49,389 N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! 367 00:14:49,391 --> 00:14:55,662 You're a l-a-a-a-a-a-a-me uncle! 368 00:14:57,565 --> 00:15:02,569 Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 369 00:15:27,261 --> 00:15:29,295 What did you do, Stan?! 370 00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:34,267 What did I do? 371 00:15:37,267 --> 00:15:39,287 You did it, Stan! You're a hero! 372 00:15:39,407 --> 00:15:40,002 I am? 373 00:15:40,084 --> 00:15:41,550 The way you picked yourself up 374 00:15:41,552 --> 00:15:43,552 and somehow got everyone to go back to their dorms -- 375 00:15:43,554 --> 00:15:45,120 amazing work. 376 00:15:45,122 --> 00:15:47,489 Hi. I'm the chancellor of this university. 377 00:15:47,491 --> 00:15:50,058 I'm also Olympic gold medalist Mark Spitz. 378 00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:51,660 Oh, my God! Mark Spitz! 379 00:15:51,662 --> 00:15:53,228 Easy, child. 380 00:15:53,230 --> 00:15:55,263 I'd like to bestow upon you our highest honor -- 381 00:15:55,265 --> 00:15:56,632 my mustache. 382 00:15:58,501 --> 00:15:59,401 Ah-choo! 383 00:16:01,437 --> 00:16:03,238 Aah! 384 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,741 Uh...I'm still unconscious, aren't I? 385 00:16:05,743 --> 00:16:07,476 One more level to go. 386 00:16:10,648 --> 00:16:12,314 What a shitstorm. 387 00:16:12,316 --> 00:16:14,483 Oh, man, I can't believe I lost it. 388 00:16:14,485 --> 00:16:16,618 It's just, I thought we were friends, 389 00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:19,788 and they said such terrible things. 390 00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:22,824 That's why we told you not to get close to the students! 391 00:16:22,826 --> 00:16:25,560 First, I realize that I didn't meet Mark Spitz, 392 00:16:25,562 --> 00:16:27,429 and now an "I told you so"? 393 00:16:27,431 --> 00:16:28,764 I'm sorry. You're right. 394 00:16:28,766 --> 00:16:30,766 We don't single people out for blame around here. 395 00:16:30,768 --> 00:16:32,401 In fact, we're gonna go out there 396 00:16:32,403 --> 00:16:34,803 and show everybody that we stand together on this. 397 00:16:34,805 --> 00:16:36,538 Thank you. 398 00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:38,707 I apologize for calling your entire unit unprofessional. 399 00:16:38,709 --> 00:16:40,342 You did? 400 00:16:40,344 --> 00:16:41,576 I thought I did. I mean to say it. 401 00:16:41,578 --> 00:16:43,311 Apology accepted. 402 00:16:43,313 --> 00:16:45,547 Now, before we go out there, let's take off our riot gear. 403 00:16:45,549 --> 00:16:47,849 Great. That way, they'll know we come in peace. 404 00:16:47,851 --> 00:16:50,318 Actually, we have to get it back to the theater department. 405 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,688 They're doing a musical production of "New Jack City." 406 00:16:52,690 --> 00:16:53,855 I'd like to see that. 407 00:16:53,857 --> 00:16:56,525 You can. It is not sold out. 408 00:16:58,528 --> 00:17:00,796 I trust we met your expectations? 409 00:17:00,798 --> 00:17:02,831 I confess, I had my doubts, 410 00:17:02,833 --> 00:17:05,667 but in the end, you passed my every test. 411 00:17:05,669 --> 00:17:08,537 Would you say you had a five-circle visit? 412 00:17:08,539 --> 00:17:10,472 I...would. 413 00:17:10,474 --> 00:17:12,674 You should all be proud. 414 00:17:12,676 --> 00:17:14,176 Mr. Cavendish! 415 00:17:14,178 --> 00:17:16,178 Ah. That would be my car. 416 00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:19,514 Again, well done, all of you. 417 00:17:19,516 --> 00:17:20,549 I get my room back! 418 00:17:20,551 --> 00:17:21,650 We did it! 419 00:17:21,652 --> 00:17:23,285 We came together, 420 00:17:23,287 --> 00:17:25,287 kept my perfect rating, and made enough money 421 00:17:25,289 --> 00:17:27,823 to save our coconut wa-a-a-a-it a second. 422 00:17:27,825 --> 00:17:29,458 Did he pay anyone? 423 00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:32,427 Aaaaaaaaah! Oh, my God! 424 00:17:32,429 --> 00:17:35,697 That man crapped all over my room! 425 00:17:36,934 --> 00:17:38,900 It's back to the nut house for you. 426 00:17:38,902 --> 00:17:43,405 Now, this is five-circle service. 427 00:17:43,407 --> 00:17:45,540 It's everywhere! 428 00:17:45,542 --> 00:17:49,678 I know it's his 'cause there's hot-dog pieces in it! 429 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,646 Let's do this, Stan! 430 00:17:51,648 --> 00:17:53,715 So, uh, who's gonna talk first? 431 00:17:53,717 --> 00:17:54,983 There he is! 432 00:17:54,985 --> 00:17:56,284 That's the guy who sprayed everyone! 433 00:17:56,286 --> 00:17:57,319 You're fired. 434 00:17:58,789 --> 00:18:01,323 This man is no longer affiliated with the university. 435 00:18:02,326 --> 00:18:03,191 Get him. 436 00:18:04,228 --> 00:18:05,660 Let's rip him apart! 437 00:18:05,662 --> 00:18:07,929 Wait! Wait, wait, wait! I can explain everything! 438 00:18:07,931 --> 00:18:10,999 Let's hear him out! Some of us got here late! 439 00:18:12,401 --> 00:18:13,835 Thank you! 440 00:18:13,837 --> 00:18:17,205 The explanation for why I did what I did is... 441 00:18:17,207 --> 00:18:18,206 in my car! 442 00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:19,641 May I go to my car? 443 00:18:19,643 --> 00:18:21,409 That sounds reasonable. 444 00:18:21,411 --> 00:18:23,345 Let him go to his car! 445 00:18:23,347 --> 00:18:25,947 Let! Him! Go to his car! 446 00:18:25,949 --> 00:18:27,449 Let! Him -- 447 00:18:27,451 --> 00:18:28,550 No, no, wait! 448 00:18:28,552 --> 00:18:30,619 He can use his car to get away! 449 00:18:30,621 --> 00:18:31,887 Cars go! 450 00:18:31,889 --> 00:18:34,389 Oh, my God! He was really tricky there! 451 00:18:36,393 --> 00:18:38,326 I'm sorry for what happened, 452 00:18:38,328 --> 00:18:40,595 but the guy you're angry at -- he's gone. 453 00:18:40,597 --> 00:18:42,898 He disappeared with the badge and uniform. 454 00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:46,368 You see, sometimes when you change on the outside, 455 00:18:46,370 --> 00:18:47,969 you change on the inside. 456 00:18:47,971 --> 00:18:50,372 That doesn't mean you didn't make mistakes. 457 00:18:50,374 --> 00:18:51,673 But you learn from them. 458 00:18:51,675 --> 00:18:53,675 Just as I've learned from all of you. 459 00:18:53,677 --> 00:18:55,710 And isn't that what college is about? 460 00:18:55,712 --> 00:18:56,978 Learning. 461 00:18:56,980 --> 00:18:58,380 Friendship. 462 00:18:58,382 --> 00:18:59,481 The dorms. 463 00:18:59,483 --> 00:19:00,682 The health center. 464 00:19:00,684 --> 00:19:02,884 Hold on! He's just saying stuff! 465 00:19:02,886 --> 00:19:05,420 Yeah! He's still trying to get to his car! 466 00:19:05,422 --> 00:19:06,421 Stop him! 467 00:19:09,426 --> 00:19:12,694 Agent Smith, would you like some toast with your jam? 468 00:19:14,730 --> 00:19:15,897 Ha! Suck it! 469 00:19:15,899 --> 00:19:18,266 Bring me up! 470 00:19:18,268 --> 00:19:20,602 Up! Up, up, up, up, up! 471 00:19:20,604 --> 00:19:21,837 What are you waiting for?! 472 00:19:21,839 --> 00:19:23,004 Your signal, of course. 473 00:19:23,006 --> 00:19:24,306 I'm saying "Up"! 474 00:19:24,308 --> 00:19:26,775 Oh. "Up" is the signal for "Up" now? 475 00:19:26,777 --> 00:19:28,877 Not very covert. 476 00:19:32,548 --> 00:19:34,449 Smith, I saw you on the news. 477 00:19:34,451 --> 00:19:36,484 You really made a hash of things. 478 00:19:36,486 --> 00:19:39,487 I know. This was supposed to be a super-chill gig. 479 00:19:39,489 --> 00:19:41,489 And it would've been if I hadn't tried to be friends 480 00:19:41,491 --> 00:19:42,991 with all these damn kids. 481 00:19:42,993 --> 00:19:46,628 Smith, kids don't want to be friends with old farts. 482 00:19:46,630 --> 00:19:49,965 They wanted to par-tay, and you pepper-sprayed them. 483 00:19:49,967 --> 00:19:53,969 What say we spray them with something a little more fun? 484 00:19:53,971 --> 00:19:56,805 Fire up the tequila cannon! 485 00:19:56,807 --> 00:19:59,341 On loan from Señor Frog's. 486 00:19:59,343 --> 00:20:02,911 They have several of our hellfire missiles. 487 00:20:11,787 --> 00:20:14,522 Oh, and good news, Smith -- you got your job back! 488 00:20:14,524 --> 00:20:16,524 I took another look at the budget, 489 00:20:16,526 --> 00:20:19,394 and I couldn't believe how much money we were wasting 490 00:20:19,396 --> 00:20:20,929 on helicopter maintenance. 491 00:20:28,672 --> 00:20:30,839 Oh, God! 492 00:20:30,841 --> 00:20:34,142 It's between the mattress and the box spring! 493 00:20:34,144 --> 00:20:36,678 It's smushed into the outlets! 494 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,680 It's under the carpet! 495 00:20:38,682 --> 00:20:40,682 It's in my DVD tray! 496 00:20:40,684 --> 00:20:42,751 It's trying to play it! 497 00:20:42,753 --> 00:20:44,753 It's where the batteries are supposed to be 498 00:20:44,755 --> 00:20:46,788 inside my smoke detector! 499 00:20:46,790 --> 00:20:49,824 It's between every page of my books! 500 00:20:50,104 --> 00:20:52,838 It looks like my pillow is in my pillowcase, 501 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,633 but it is not! 502 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:59,852 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com