1 00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:04,974 Morning, Jackson. 2 00:00:04,976 --> 00:00:06,443 That was quite a game last night. 3 00:00:06,445 --> 00:00:07,811 Crazy, right? 4 00:00:07,813 --> 00:00:09,879 Watching my mom destroy my sister at Monopoly. 5 00:00:09,881 --> 00:00:12,615 Yeah, I sort of thought we were all gonna play. 6 00:00:12,617 --> 00:00:14,918 Boss is coming. Look busy. 7 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,786 [ Fanfare plays ] 8 00:00:24,595 --> 00:00:25,995 [ Employees coughing ] Loyal subjects! 9 00:00:25,997 --> 00:00:28,498 Due to some recent cost overruns... 10 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:31,101 health plan, thanks, current president... 11 00:00:31,103 --> 00:00:33,870 the C.I.A. is just a wee bit over budget. 12 00:00:33,872 --> 00:00:35,772 Cutbacks must be made, 13 00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:38,975 and since it's not going to be my hover-throne polisher... 14 00:00:38,977 --> 00:00:42,946 Certain things are still sacred, Your Highness. 15 00:00:42,948 --> 00:00:45,081 ...we must get creative. 16 00:00:45,083 --> 00:00:48,918 I'm looking for one volunteer to enjoy a one-month vacation. 17 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:50,687 Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ooh! Ooh! Ohh! Ohh! 18 00:00:50,689 --> 00:00:52,589 Without pay. Ooh! Ooh! 19 00:00:52,591 --> 00:00:53,656 Ooh! Ooh! 20 00:00:53,658 --> 00:00:55,024 Wait... what was that last thing? 21 00:00:55,026 --> 00:00:56,826 It seemed to change everyone's mind. 22 00:00:59,463 --> 00:01:02,065 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 23 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:05,835 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 24 00:01:05,837 --> 00:01:09,038 ♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 25 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:13,443 ♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 26 00:01:15,179 --> 00:01:18,681 ♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say 27 00:01:18,683 --> 00:01:21,050 ♪ Good... ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 28 00:01:21,052 --> 00:01:26,823 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com web dl sync snarry 29 00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:29,459 [ Birds chirping ] 30 00:01:29,461 --> 00:01:30,860 You've been furloughed? 31 00:01:30,862 --> 00:01:33,029 Don't worry. I got another job for the month. 32 00:01:33,031 --> 00:01:35,698 You're looking at the newest campus security officer 33 00:01:35,700 --> 00:01:37,200 at Groff Community College. 34 00:01:37,202 --> 00:01:38,835 You're camp sec? 35 00:01:38,837 --> 00:01:40,170 Oh, no. You're not gonna be there, are you? 36 00:01:40,172 --> 00:01:41,704 No, 'cause midterms are next week, 37 00:01:41,706 --> 00:01:43,006 and I always quit before those. 38 00:01:43,008 --> 00:01:44,107 Sweet. 39 00:01:44,109 --> 00:01:45,809 Oh, and another good thing... 40 00:01:45,811 --> 00:01:47,911 my new job's gonna pay me even more... 41 00:01:47,913 --> 00:01:48,995 frequently. 42 00:01:49,115 --> 00:01:51,648 The total money is a lot less, but I'm paid... 43 00:01:51,650 --> 00:01:53,583 [Clicks tongue] weekly. 44 00:01:53,585 --> 00:01:55,018 That doesn't sound great, dad. 45 00:01:55,020 --> 00:01:56,653 Maybe not for you, 46 00:01:56,655 --> 00:01:58,221 but for me, it's like going back to college. 47 00:01:58,223 --> 00:01:59,923 I'll be cruisin' around campus, 48 00:01:59,925 --> 00:02:01,724 pajama-pantsin' with the co-eds, 49 00:02:01,726 --> 00:02:04,862 skippin' class, and workin' out guitar licks, late night. 50 00:02:04,863 --> 00:02:07,864 [ Guitar riff plays ] 51 00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:10,733 Sounds like we're gonna have to 52 00:02:10,735 --> 00:02:12,135 tighten our belts around here. 53 00:02:12,137 --> 00:02:14,604 No! I will not give up my coconut water! 54 00:02:14,606 --> 00:02:16,973 My potassium levels are everything to me! 55 00:02:16,975 --> 00:02:19,609 We're just gonna have to find that money somewhere else. 56 00:02:19,611 --> 00:02:22,011 Wait... Roger, what about that bed-and-breakfast 57 00:02:22,013 --> 00:02:23,179 you've been dying to do? 58 00:02:23,181 --> 00:02:24,948 Yeah, the Inn Under the Attic. 59 00:02:24,950 --> 00:02:26,683 Oh, no... I will not jeopardize 60 00:02:26,685 --> 00:02:28,718 my five-circle rating on Tripplanner. 61 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:29,886 You mean "stars." 62 00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:31,654 Actually, they use circles. 63 00:02:31,656 --> 00:02:33,623 Maybe they're owl eyes? Areolas? 64 00:02:33,625 --> 00:02:34,858 I don't know. It's confusing. 65 00:02:34,860 --> 00:02:36,559 But it's very important to me! 66 00:02:36,561 --> 00:02:38,995 How do you have ratings if no one's ever stayed there? 67 00:02:38,997 --> 00:02:40,930 Oh, I've entertained satisfied visitors 68 00:02:40,932 --> 00:02:42,131 from all over the world... 69 00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:44,901 Omar, Benyamin, Chinese peasant. 70 00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:48,204 Mantu here was so happy, he tipped me a narwhal tusk. 71 00:02:48,206 --> 00:02:50,106 Got 75 cents for it on eBay. 72 00:02:50,108 --> 00:02:52,041 Took a bath on the shipping. 73 00:02:52,043 --> 00:02:53,743 How can you be proud of those reviews? 74 00:02:53,745 --> 00:02:54,878 You wrote them all. 75 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,312 Hmm. 76 00:02:56,314 --> 00:02:57,914 I have always wondered what it'd be like 77 00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:00,950 to entertain a... real guest. 78 00:03:00,952 --> 00:03:02,018 I'll do it! 79 00:03:02,020 --> 00:03:03,286 But only if you all promise 80 00:03:03,288 --> 00:03:05,288 to help me keep my five-circle rating. 81 00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:07,223 Well, you can count on us, sir. 82 00:03:07,225 --> 00:03:09,959 Shall I plug in the reservation line? 83 00:03:09,961 --> 00:03:11,628 Yes. 84 00:03:11,630 --> 00:03:12,829 It's time. 85 00:03:14,064 --> 00:03:15,231 [ Telephone rings ] Wow. That was really fast... 86 00:03:15,233 --> 00:03:16,833 Get it on the first ring! 87 00:03:16,835 --> 00:03:19,168 Inn Under the Attic. This is Roger. 88 00:03:19,170 --> 00:03:21,671 Aah! This is happening! 89 00:03:24,241 --> 00:03:27,443 Remember, any student riding their bike in a pedestrian area 90 00:03:27,445 --> 00:03:30,980 is in violation of Code 33-A, so write 'em up. 91 00:03:30,982 --> 00:03:32,515 Last order of business... 92 00:03:32,517 --> 00:03:34,484 I'd like to welcome our newest officer. 93 00:03:34,486 --> 00:03:36,185 Everybody, this is Stan Smith. 94 00:03:36,187 --> 00:03:39,055 Yo, boss man, do I get my golf cart now? 95 00:03:39,057 --> 00:03:41,324 Eager to jump in. I like it. 96 00:03:41,326 --> 00:03:45,828 More like eager to jump into a fat burrito... mouth-first. 97 00:03:45,830 --> 00:03:47,964 And lastly, the school's orangutan mascot's 98 00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:49,499 been missing since last week. 99 00:03:49,501 --> 00:03:51,034 If anyone sees it, 100 00:03:51,036 --> 00:03:53,002 alert the new head of the zoology department. 101 00:03:53,004 --> 00:03:54,804 You mean that 4-foot-tall professor 102 00:03:54,806 --> 00:03:57,740 with the tweed jacket and no pants who started last week? 103 00:03:57,742 --> 00:03:59,542 Yes, Dr. Tang ooo-ooo-ah-ah. 104 00:03:59,544 --> 00:04:01,311 I think it's "Ah-ah-ooo-ooo." 105 00:04:01,313 --> 00:04:02,912 No. It's not. 106 00:04:09,887 --> 00:04:11,955 [ Horns honking ] 107 00:04:15,926 --> 00:04:17,794 So, Josh, how'd you break your ankle? 108 00:04:17,796 --> 00:04:20,263 The same way everyone in college breaks their ankle... 109 00:04:20,265 --> 00:04:21,898 playing mushroom soccer. 110 00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:24,000 Ahh, kicking mushrooms around. 111 00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,468 Nothing's changed. 112 00:04:25,470 --> 00:04:27,971 You don't seem like the other officers around here. 113 00:04:27,973 --> 00:04:30,406 'Cause I'm not. I'm just here to chill with you guys. 114 00:04:30,408 --> 00:04:32,508 Why don't you think of me as a cool uncle? 115 00:04:32,510 --> 00:04:33,910 Yeah. 116 00:04:33,912 --> 00:04:36,112 Your coolest uncle. 117 00:04:36,114 --> 00:04:37,914 O...kay. 118 00:04:39,283 --> 00:04:41,451 And if you change your mind about me signing your cast, 119 00:04:41,453 --> 00:04:43,620 just pick up one of the blue phones around campus. 120 00:04:43,622 --> 00:04:45,021 That's what they're there for. 121 00:04:45,023 --> 00:04:46,456 Well, that and rapes. 122 00:04:46,458 --> 00:04:47,857 Stopping them! 123 00:04:52,383 --> 00:04:55,477 Captain: Officer Smith, what is your current tactical situation? 124 00:04:55,597 --> 00:04:58,989 Oh, I'm, uh... in pursuit of a Code 58. 125 00:04:58,991 --> 00:05:00,824 I'm gonna initiate a 41-C. 126 00:05:00,826 --> 00:05:02,292 You spotted a public sex act 127 00:05:02,294 --> 00:05:04,327 and you're doing a horse-based takedown? 128 00:05:04,329 --> 00:05:06,029 You know it, baby. 129 00:05:06,031 --> 00:05:07,130 [ Slurping ] 130 00:05:09,333 --> 00:05:12,135 I wonder where it goes. 131 00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:19,042 You kids about to play ultimate frisbee on the quad? 132 00:05:19,044 --> 00:05:20,877 I know... we're not supposed to. 133 00:05:20,879 --> 00:05:22,112 Oh, I don't care about that. 134 00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:23,747 Just seems like you're short a player. 135 00:05:23,749 --> 00:05:25,882 You want to... play? 136 00:05:25,884 --> 00:05:27,984 Does this answer your question? 137 00:05:27,986 --> 00:05:29,886 [ Guitar riff plays ] 138 00:05:29,888 --> 00:05:31,154 He's having a seizure! 139 00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:33,123 Quick... put a wallet in his mouth! 140 00:05:34,525 --> 00:05:36,793 Yep, this is me right here... Loeb Hall. 141 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:37,894 You like skids? 142 00:05:37,896 --> 00:05:38,929 [ Tires squealing ] 143 00:05:38,931 --> 00:05:41,898 Tokyo drift! 144 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,867 Whoa! That was pretty sick. 145 00:05:43,869 --> 00:05:45,936 Hey, how 'bout signing my cast? 146 00:05:45,938 --> 00:05:47,637 Yes! 147 00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,959 I was hoping you'd let me, so I've been practicing all day. 148 00:05:52,984 --> 00:05:55,278 There you are, Mr. Cavendish... all checked in. 149 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,280 Oh, just curious... how did you hear about us? 150 00:05:57,282 --> 00:05:59,015 Hm. Funny story, really. 151 00:05:59,017 --> 00:06:00,850 I found you on Tripplanner. 152 00:06:00,852 --> 00:06:03,219 [ Laughing ] Oh, you weren't kidding! 153 00:06:03,221 --> 00:06:04,921 That is hilarious, sir. 154 00:06:04,923 --> 00:06:06,957 Well, I hope you'll enjoy your stay. 155 00:06:06,959 --> 00:06:09,392 I expect I shall. I'm a simple man, really. 156 00:06:09,394 --> 00:06:11,227 There's only one thing I ask of you. 157 00:06:11,229 --> 00:06:12,229 Name it. 158 00:06:12,230 --> 00:06:14,364 Absolute perfection. 159 00:06:14,366 --> 00:06:15,332 [ Gasps ] 160 00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:17,400 Will that be a problem? 161 00:06:17,402 --> 00:06:20,136 It shadn't... not for this staff. 162 00:06:20,138 --> 00:06:22,973 I only hope you're ready for absolute perfection, 163 00:06:22,975 --> 00:06:25,175 because it can be very overwhelming. 164 00:06:25,177 --> 00:06:29,512 Oh, I think you'll find that I'm almost always underwhelmed. 165 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:30,981 [ Laughs ] 166 00:06:30,983 --> 00:06:32,849 Not while you're under my care. 167 00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:34,284 [ Laughs ] 168 00:06:34,286 --> 00:06:36,987 Be careful promising what you can't deliver. 169 00:06:36,989 --> 00:06:40,190 De-liver is our special for dinner tonight. 170 00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,891 Woman, buy some liver. 171 00:06:44,328 --> 00:06:46,863 Sorry I'm late. Meghan just broke up with Duncan. 172 00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,365 I had to talk her through it. 173 00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,934 I was like, "What did you expect, Meghan? It's Duncan." 174 00:06:50,936 --> 00:06:52,869 Glad you survived your first day. 175 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,237 Survived it? I loved it! 176 00:06:54,239 --> 00:06:55,939 I mean, the kids are great. 177 00:06:55,941 --> 00:06:58,041 They... they keep saying I'm like their cool uncle. 178 00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,576 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 179 00:06:59,578 --> 00:07:01,011 You're not here to make friends with the students. 180 00:07:01,013 --> 00:07:02,479 If they see you as a friend, 181 00:07:02,481 --> 00:07:04,114 they won't accept you as an authority figure. 182 00:07:04,116 --> 00:07:05,448 We just got a call 183 00:07:05,450 --> 00:07:06,783 from that girl in Loeb who hates parties. 184 00:07:06,785 --> 00:07:09,052 Apparently, there's a kegger getting a little out of hand. 185 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,453 Code 6. I'll go write 'em up. 186 00:07:10,455 --> 00:07:12,288 Or we do this the easy way. 187 00:07:12,290 --> 00:07:14,290 My boy Josh lives in that dorm. 188 00:07:14,292 --> 00:07:16,226 He'll help me keep it mellow. 189 00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:17,994 Just write 'em up and shut 'em down. 190 00:07:17,996 --> 00:07:19,829 Remember, Smith, he's not your friend. 191 00:07:19,831 --> 00:07:21,297 Oh, yeah? 192 00:07:21,299 --> 00:07:23,266 Then why'd he swipe me into the dining hall earlier? 193 00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:25,268 We mixed five cereals together, 194 00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:27,170 and now we're crunch brothers. 195 00:07:28,172 --> 00:07:31,474 [ Music playing ] 196 00:07:33,177 --> 00:07:34,511 Hey, dudes and dudettes, 197 00:07:34,513 --> 00:07:36,980 hate to be this guy, but we got a call. 198 00:07:36,982 --> 00:07:38,281 I said we got a call. 199 00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:40,950 I'm gonna have to ask you to turn it down. 200 00:07:40,952 --> 00:07:42,185 Hey, that you, Troy? 201 00:07:42,187 --> 00:07:43,920 Nope. 202 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,222 I think it was. 203 00:07:46,224 --> 00:07:47,390 Josh! 204 00:07:47,392 --> 00:07:49,793 Hey! Officer Stan! 205 00:07:49,795 --> 00:07:51,027 Uncle Stan. 206 00:07:51,029 --> 00:07:52,162 Nice room. 207 00:07:52,164 --> 00:07:53,930 Dope mini fridge. 208 00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:55,231 We got one at H.Q. 209 00:07:55,233 --> 00:07:57,567 Fits three pepsis and Elliot's insulin. 210 00:07:57,569 --> 00:07:59,936 Hey! Tina's here! What up, Teenz? 211 00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,337 You here to party? 212 00:08:01,339 --> 00:08:03,339 In a way. I'm here to stop this party. 213 00:08:03,341 --> 00:08:05,442 Come on, man. Be cool. 214 00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,477 Yeah, Uncle Stan. 215 00:08:07,479 --> 00:08:09,479 All right, how 'bout we just turn the music down? [ Volume decreases ] 216 00:08:09,481 --> 00:08:11,514 And maybe stop drinking illegally. 217 00:08:11,516 --> 00:08:13,850 Or how 'bout you get on your golf cart 218 00:08:13,852 --> 00:08:15,952 and, like, get out of here! 219 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,487 [ Volume increases ] 220 00:08:17,489 --> 00:08:19,155 [ Volume decreases ] 221 00:08:19,157 --> 00:08:21,191 [ Volume increases ] Don't touch my stuff, man! 222 00:08:21,193 --> 00:08:23,159 You don't touch your stuff after I've touched your stuff, 223 00:08:23,161 --> 00:08:24,828 or I'll have to touch it again! 224 00:08:24,830 --> 00:08:27,964 [ Volume fluctuating ] 225 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,033 That's it! Music's going off! 226 00:08:31,335 --> 00:08:32,435 [ Music stops ] [ Students gasp ] 227 00:08:32,437 --> 00:08:35,038 What have you done?! My jambox! 228 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,841 It was with me the first time I kissed a girl, 229 00:08:37,843 --> 00:08:41,311 when I lost my virginity, when I experimented with Kyle! 230 00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,847 Josh! Shut up, man! 231 00:08:43,849 --> 00:08:45,548 Oh, yeah, real embarrassing, Kyle. 232 00:08:45,550 --> 00:08:48,952 You hooked up with beautiful, green-eyed Josh. 233 00:08:50,588 --> 00:08:52,522 Finally... I can sleep! 234 00:08:52,524 --> 00:08:54,124 Then do it, snitch! 235 00:08:57,261 --> 00:08:59,996 Consider that party busted. 236 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:01,097 Nice going, Smith. 237 00:09:01,099 --> 00:09:02,866 How many citations you rack up? 238 00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:04,267 Well, none, actually. 239 00:09:04,269 --> 00:09:06,469 I dealt with them more on a peer-to-peer level. 240 00:09:06,471 --> 00:09:08,972 Uh, sir, there's people gathering in the quad. 241 00:09:08,974 --> 00:09:11,107 Okay, it's just some kids from the party. 242 00:09:11,109 --> 00:09:13,543 They're probably here to apologize. 243 00:09:13,545 --> 00:09:16,146 [ All chanting "Camp sec sucks!" ] 244 00:09:16,148 --> 00:09:18,414 Looks like we got ourselves a protest. 245 00:09:18,416 --> 00:09:21,151 All this over a stupid jambox? 246 00:09:21,153 --> 00:09:24,487 [ Chanting continues ] 247 00:09:24,489 --> 00:09:26,156 Can they hear me? 248 00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:31,336 [ All shouting ] 249 00:09:33,271 --> 00:09:33,841 Hey, everybody. 250 00:09:33,842 --> 00:09:36,508 Gather 'round uncle Stan for a quick powwow. 251 00:09:36,510 --> 00:09:40,144 There he is... the guy who trashed Josh's place! 252 00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,846 [ Thinking ] Oof. They sound pissed. 253 00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:43,448 Time to win 'em over 254 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,717 with a little Willy Wonka razzle-dazzle. 255 00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:54,792 Hey, you suck! 256 00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,461 Have you guys not seen this movie? 257 00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:57,762 You ruined our party! 258 00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,464 And abused your authority! 259 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,666 What?! I was trying to be your bud! 260 00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:03,468 I'm cool Uncle Stan! 261 00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:04,669 Good with the frisbee. 262 00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,104 Here... let's toss it around! 263 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:06,804 Joshie! 264 00:10:06,806 --> 00:10:07,839 Josh, look out! 265 00:10:10,342 --> 00:10:11,676 [ All gasp ] 266 00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:13,578 You're okay. You're okay. 267 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:16,447 Waaaaaaaah! 268 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,715 Brutality! 269 00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:19,183 [ Crying ] 270 00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:22,720 [ Students chanting "Brutality!" ] 271 00:10:22,722 --> 00:10:24,355 [ Chanting ] It's all good! 272 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,590 It's all good! 273 00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:26,791 It's all good! 274 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,826 [ Chanting continues ] 275 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,199 [ Telephone ringing ] 276 00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:36,601 [ Roger snoring ] 277 00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:38,269 [ Grunts ] 278 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,538 [ Smacks lips ] 279 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,140 Uh-huh? 280 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,609 Oh, dear. I hope I haven't woken you. 281 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,778 Of course not. We are always here to serve. 282 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,446 Mm. I'm feeling a bit peckish. 283 00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,281 Could you have the kitchen send up 284 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,783 some bacon-wrapped scallops? 285 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,551 I'll get my chef right on it. 286 00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:55,720 And some lavender-scented hand towels? 287 00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,522 I'll speak to the maids. 288 00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,657 Also, it's dark, so I can't be sure, 289 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,759 but the lawn looks a bit scruffy 290 00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:03,728 by the bristly dewberry bush. 291 00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,196 I'll check immediately. 292 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,531 [ Receiver hangs up ] 293 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,566 Who the [bleep] is this guy? 294 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,268 [ Receiver hangs up ] 295 00:11:12,738 --> 00:11:14,238 I don't have scallops. 296 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,441 A five-circle hotel has everything! 297 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:19,310 I guess I could mold tuna fish into a little puck. 298 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,746 Or... or I could cut a piece of hot dog off 299 00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:23,481 and cover it in fish oil. 300 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,483 I don't care how you do it! Just get it done! 301 00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:30,388 If you do the hot-dog way, make one for me. 302 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:31,889 Soak them in lavender oil. 303 00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:33,391 But that'll ruin them! 304 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,259 With the $49 he's spending for that room, 305 00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:37,362 you can buy all the towels in the world! 306 00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:40,431 Did you get by the dewberry bush? 307 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,633 I have no idea. 308 00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:43,468 Just mow it all! Mow everything! 309 00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:44,736 [ Door slams ] 310 00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,871 [ Panting ] 311 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,474 Everything is on its way. Enjoy your evening. 312 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:50,742 One more thing. 313 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,211 I like to read before I go to sleep. 314 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,280 Tonight, I'm in the mood for a Charles Dickens novel... 315 00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,715 set in space... 316 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,852 featuring the animals from the "Madagascar" films. 317 00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:04,594 Tell him it's rough, but the bones are there. 318 00:12:05,106 --> 00:12:05,954 Good morning. 319 00:12:06,074 --> 00:12:08,459 I'm Greg Corbin here at Groff Community College, 320 00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,561 where a seed of protest planted last night 321 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,598 has flowered and is now bearing angry fruit. 322 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,801 You know, if we fight 'em, it'll be a hell of a battle. 323 00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,269 There's not gonna be a battle. 324 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,504 Looks like we're doin' a battle. 325 00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,339 Just got off the horn with the chancellor. 326 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,175 Got to clear 'em out before it turns into a P.R. nightmare. 327 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,843 Did he authorize excessive force? 328 00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:27,445 He explicitly forbade it. 329 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,447 But there was a wink in his voice. 330 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,315 Yeah! All right! All right! 331 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:34,352 [ All chanting "Camp sec sucks!" ] 332 00:12:35,487 --> 00:12:37,422 Everyone got their riot gear on? 333 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,723 This isn't real gear. 334 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,958 It says "Property of Theater Department." 335 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,227 What... are you afraid of the theater department? 336 00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:44,595 No, that wasn't my point at all. 337 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,197 Now get over here and arm up! 338 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,665 We got zip cuffs, pepper spray, 339 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,801 and some stuff we found on the fraternity lawns 340 00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,002 after pledge week. 341 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,704 Some of it's pretty badass. 342 00:12:54,673 --> 00:12:56,741 [ Clatter ] 343 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,609 [ Laughter ] 344 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,478 No way! A "Scarface" poster! 345 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,480 I know just where I'm putting this. 346 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:06,217 [ As Tony Montana ] Say hello to my little basement apartment. 347 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,685 Look at these fools. 348 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,687 I feel like I'm watching "Paul Blart," 349 00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,577 except I'm not peeing myself with laughter. 350 00:13:11,888 --> 00:13:13,121 Hey, check it out, cap. 351 00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:14,356 I can force this down their throats 352 00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:15,457 and pump 'em full of air! 353 00:13:15,459 --> 00:13:16,958 Nice! 354 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,426 Let's see how long this protest lasts 355 00:13:18,428 --> 00:13:20,328 when they see their friends popping like blisters. 356 00:13:20,330 --> 00:13:22,397 Whoa. Guys, we're not gonna hurt anyone. 357 00:13:22,399 --> 00:13:24,532 We're just gonna project strength and authority, 358 00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:26,868 and the kids will all go back to their dorms. 359 00:13:26,870 --> 00:13:29,037 Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right. 360 00:13:29,039 --> 00:13:30,605 To war! 361 00:13:30,607 --> 00:13:32,607 Whoo-hoo! Yee-ha! 362 00:13:32,609 --> 00:13:35,276 [ Students shouting ] 363 00:13:35,278 --> 00:13:37,045 Fan out in a line! 364 00:13:38,147 --> 00:13:41,616 No, no! Like a chorus line! A chorus line! 365 00:13:41,618 --> 00:13:44,085 Now you're lookin' like warriors! 366 00:13:44,087 --> 00:13:45,553 [ Amplified ] Disperse immediately, 367 00:13:45,555 --> 00:13:48,556 or we will disperse you by any means necessary! 368 00:13:50,025 --> 00:13:52,327 Oh, boy, these kids need cool Uncle Stan 369 00:13:52,329 --> 00:13:54,129 to stop this from getting ugly. 370 00:13:54,131 --> 00:13:57,365 Students, listen to me! Your safety is at stake! 371 00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:58,900 He's threatening us! 372 00:13:58,902 --> 00:14:00,201 No, they are! 373 00:14:00,203 --> 00:14:01,436 They've got a green light to use force, 374 00:14:01,438 --> 00:14:03,204 and they're looking for an excuse! 375 00:14:03,206 --> 00:14:06,141 Go ahead and try it! We're documenting everything. 376 00:14:06,143 --> 00:14:07,375 She's documenting me! 377 00:14:07,377 --> 00:14:09,144 I feel like I got to do something, man! 378 00:14:09,146 --> 00:14:10,211 Gimme that! 379 00:14:10,213 --> 00:14:12,147 See? These guys are gonna panic! 380 00:14:12,149 --> 00:14:14,582 They're not trained for this! They're just campus security! 381 00:14:14,584 --> 00:14:16,151 So are you! 382 00:14:16,153 --> 00:14:17,719 Well, it's really more of a vacation for me. 383 00:14:17,721 --> 00:14:19,621 Woman: You're lying to yourself! 384 00:14:19,623 --> 00:14:22,123 Okay, it's not fair to say that, 'cause you don't really know me. 385 00:14:22,125 --> 00:14:23,324 Man: I know you're a dummy! 386 00:14:23,326 --> 00:14:24,759 Whoa! Hey! 387 00:14:24,761 --> 00:14:26,361 There's... there's no need for name-calling. 388 00:14:26,363 --> 00:14:27,996 Captain: Smith, are you okay? 389 00:14:27,998 --> 00:14:30,198 You're responding to every single thing the mob says. 390 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,400 I got this. I got this. 391 00:14:32,402 --> 00:14:34,969 Eat a doughnut, you dick! 392 00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:38,239 Josh: Hey, Stan! 393 00:14:40,276 --> 00:14:47,248 [ Slow-motion ] You're... not... a... cool... uncle. 394 00:14:47,250 --> 00:14:49,551 [ Slow-motion ] Jo-o-o-sh! 395 00:14:49,553 --> 00:14:54,389 N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! 396 00:14:54,391 --> 00:15:00,662 You're a l-a-a-a-a-a-a-me uncle! 397 00:15:02,565 --> 00:15:07,569 Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! 398 00:15:07,571 --> 00:15:10,338 [ "The Blue Danube" plays ] 399 00:15:14,276 --> 00:15:17,011 [ Air hissing rhythmically ] 400 00:15:21,116 --> 00:15:23,518 [ Students screaming ] 401 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,422 [ Music continues ] 402 00:15:32,261 --> 00:15:34,295 What did you do, Stan?! 403 00:15:34,297 --> 00:15:37,665 [ Students groaning, crying ] 404 00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,267 [ Voice breaking ] What did I do? 405 00:15:44,267 --> 00:15:46,287 You did it, Stan! You're a hero! 406 00:15:46,407 --> 00:15:47,002 I am? 407 00:15:47,084 --> 00:15:48,550 The way you picked yourself up 408 00:15:48,552 --> 00:15:50,552 and somehow got everyone to go back to their dorms... 409 00:15:50,554 --> 00:15:52,120 amazing work. 410 00:15:52,122 --> 00:15:54,489 Hi. I'm the chancellor of this university. 411 00:15:54,491 --> 00:15:57,058 I'm also Olympic gold medalist Mark Spitz. 412 00:15:57,060 --> 00:15:58,660 Oh, my God! Mark Spitz! 413 00:15:58,662 --> 00:16:00,228 Easy, child. 414 00:16:00,230 --> 00:16:02,263 I'd like to bestow upon you our highest honor... 415 00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:03,632 my mustache. 416 00:16:05,501 --> 00:16:06,501 Ah-choo! 417 00:16:08,437 --> 00:16:10,238 Aah! 418 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,741 Uh... I'm still unconscious, aren't I? 419 00:16:12,743 --> 00:16:14,476 One more level to go. 420 00:16:14,478 --> 00:16:15,543 [ Grunts ] 421 00:16:15,545 --> 00:16:17,646 [ Students shouting ] 422 00:16:17,648 --> 00:16:19,314 What a shitstorm. 423 00:16:19,316 --> 00:16:21,483 Oh, man, I can't believe I lost it. 424 00:16:21,485 --> 00:16:23,618 It's just, I thought we were friends, 425 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:26,788 [ voice breaking ] and they said such terrible things. 426 00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:29,824 That's why we told you not to get close to the students! 427 00:16:29,826 --> 00:16:32,560 First, I realize that I didn't meet Mark Spitz, 428 00:16:32,562 --> 00:16:34,429 and now an "I told you so"? 429 00:16:34,431 --> 00:16:35,764 I'm sorry. You're right. 430 00:16:35,766 --> 00:16:37,766 We don't single people out for blame around here. 431 00:16:37,768 --> 00:16:39,401 In fact, we're gonna go out there 432 00:16:39,403 --> 00:16:41,803 and show everybody that we stand together on this. 433 00:16:41,805 --> 00:16:43,538 Thank you. 434 00:16:43,540 --> 00:16:45,707 I apologize for calling your entire unit unprofessional. 435 00:16:45,709 --> 00:16:47,342 You did? 436 00:16:47,344 --> 00:16:48,576 I thought I did. I mean to say it. 437 00:16:48,578 --> 00:16:50,311 Apology accepted. 438 00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,547 Now, before we go out there, let's take off our riot gear. 439 00:16:52,549 --> 00:16:54,849 Great. That way, they'll know we come in peace. 440 00:16:54,851 --> 00:16:57,318 Actually, we have to get it back to the theater department. 441 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,688 They're doing a musical production of "New Jack City." 442 00:16:59,690 --> 00:17:00,855 I'd like to see that. 443 00:17:00,857 --> 00:17:03,525 You can. It is not sold out. 444 00:17:05,528 --> 00:17:07,796 I trust we met your expectations? 445 00:17:07,798 --> 00:17:09,831 I confess, I had my doubts, 446 00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:12,667 but in the end, you passed my every test. 447 00:17:12,669 --> 00:17:15,537 Would you say you had a five-circle visit? 448 00:17:15,539 --> 00:17:17,472 I...would. 449 00:17:17,474 --> 00:17:19,674 You should all be proud. 450 00:17:19,676 --> 00:17:21,176 Man: Mr. Cavendish! 451 00:17:21,178 --> 00:17:23,178 Ah. That would be my car. 452 00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:26,514 Again, well done, all of you. 453 00:17:26,516 --> 00:17:27,549 I get my room back! 454 00:17:27,551 --> 00:17:28,650 We did it! 455 00:17:28,652 --> 00:17:30,285 We came together, 456 00:17:30,287 --> 00:17:32,287 kept my perfect rating, and made enough money 457 00:17:32,289 --> 00:17:34,823 to save our coconut wa-a-a-a-it a second. 458 00:17:34,825 --> 00:17:36,458 Did he pay anyone? 459 00:17:36,460 --> 00:17:39,427 Steve: Aaaaaaaaah! Oh, my God! 460 00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:42,697 That man crapped all over my room! 461 00:17:42,699 --> 00:17:43,932 [ Door opens ] 462 00:17:43,934 --> 00:17:45,900 It's back to the nut house for you. 463 00:17:45,902 --> 00:17:50,405 Now, this is five-circle service. 464 00:17:50,407 --> 00:17:52,540 Steve: It's everywhere! 465 00:17:52,542 --> 00:17:56,678 I know it's his 'cause there's hot-dog pieces in it! 466 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,646 Captain: Let's do this, Stan! 467 00:17:58,648 --> 00:18:00,715 So, uh, who's gonna talk first? 468 00:18:00,717 --> 00:18:01,983 There he is! 469 00:18:01,985 --> 00:18:03,284 That's the guy who sprayed everyone! 470 00:18:03,286 --> 00:18:04,319 [ Amplified ] You're fired. 471 00:18:04,321 --> 00:18:05,787 [ Door slams ] 472 00:18:05,789 --> 00:18:08,323 This man is no longer affiliated with the university. 473 00:18:08,325 --> 00:18:09,325 [ Door slams ] 474 00:18:09,326 --> 00:18:10,191 Get him. 475 00:18:10,193 --> 00:18:11,226 [ Door slams ] 476 00:18:11,228 --> 00:18:12,660 Let's rip him apart! 477 00:18:12,662 --> 00:18:14,929 Wait! Wait, wait, wait! I can explain everything! 478 00:18:14,931 --> 00:18:17,999 Man: Let's hear him out! Some of us got here late! 479 00:18:19,401 --> 00:18:20,835 Thank you! 480 00:18:20,837 --> 00:18:24,205 The explanation for why I did what I did is... 481 00:18:24,207 --> 00:18:25,207 in my car! 482 00:18:25,208 --> 00:18:26,641 May I go to my car? 483 00:18:26,643 --> 00:18:28,409 That sounds reasonable. 484 00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,345 Let him go to his car! 485 00:18:30,347 --> 00:18:32,947 [ Chanting ] Let! Him! Go to his car! 486 00:18:32,949 --> 00:18:34,449 Crowd: [ Chanting ] Let! Him... 487 00:18:34,451 --> 00:18:35,550 No, no, wait! 488 00:18:35,552 --> 00:18:37,619 He can use his car to get away! 489 00:18:37,621 --> 00:18:38,887 Cars go! 490 00:18:38,889 --> 00:18:41,389 Oh, my God! He was really tricky there! 491 00:18:41,391 --> 00:18:43,391 [ Indistinct conversations ] 492 00:18:43,393 --> 00:18:45,326 I'm sorry for what happened, 493 00:18:45,328 --> 00:18:47,595 but the guy you're angry at... he's gone. 494 00:18:47,597 --> 00:18:49,898 He disappeared with the badge and uniform. 495 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:53,368 You see, sometimes when you change on the outside, 496 00:18:53,370 --> 00:18:54,969 you change on the inside. 497 00:18:54,971 --> 00:18:57,372 That doesn't mean you didn't make mistakes. 498 00:18:57,374 --> 00:18:58,673 But you learn from them. 499 00:18:58,675 --> 00:19:00,675 Just as I've learned from all of you. 500 00:19:00,677 --> 00:19:02,710 And isn't that what college is about? 501 00:19:02,712 --> 00:19:03,978 Learning. 502 00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:05,380 Friendship. 503 00:19:05,382 --> 00:19:06,481 The dorms. 504 00:19:06,483 --> 00:19:07,682 The health center. 505 00:19:07,684 --> 00:19:09,884 Hold on! He's just saying stuff! 506 00:19:09,886 --> 00:19:12,420 Yeah! He's still trying to get to his car! 507 00:19:12,422 --> 00:19:13,422 Stop him! 508 00:19:13,423 --> 00:19:14,789 [ Students shouting ] 509 00:19:14,791 --> 00:19:16,424 [ Helicopter blades whirring ] 510 00:19:16,426 --> 00:19:19,694 Agent Smith, would you like some toast with your jam? 511 00:19:21,730 --> 00:19:22,897 Ha! Suck it! 512 00:19:22,899 --> 00:19:25,266 Bring me up! 513 00:19:25,268 --> 00:19:27,602 Up! Up, up, up, up, up! 514 00:19:27,604 --> 00:19:28,837 What are you waiting for?! 515 00:19:28,839 --> 00:19:30,004 Your signal, of course. 516 00:19:30,006 --> 00:19:31,306 I'm saying "Up"! 517 00:19:31,308 --> 00:19:33,775 Oh. "Up" is the signal for "Up" now? 518 00:19:33,777 --> 00:19:35,877 [ Scoffs ] Not very covert. 519 00:19:35,879 --> 00:19:38,580 [ Shouting continues ] 520 00:19:39,548 --> 00:19:41,449 Smith, I saw you on the news. 521 00:19:41,451 --> 00:19:43,484 You really made a hash of things. 522 00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:46,487 I know. This was supposed to be a super-chill gig. 523 00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,489 And it would've been if I hadn't tried to be friends 524 00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:49,991 with all these damn kids. 525 00:19:49,993 --> 00:19:53,628 Smith, kids don't want to be friends with old farts. 526 00:19:53,630 --> 00:19:56,965 They wanted to par-tay, and you pepper-sprayed them. 527 00:19:56,967 --> 00:20:00,969 What say we spray them with something a little more fun? 528 00:20:00,971 --> 00:20:03,805 Fire up the tequila cannon! 529 00:20:03,807 --> 00:20:06,341 On loan from Señor Frog's. 530 00:20:06,343 --> 00:20:09,911 They have several of our hellfire missiles. 531 00:20:09,913 --> 00:20:12,580 [ Dance music plays ] 532 00:20:18,787 --> 00:20:21,522 Oh, and good news, Smith... you got your job back! 533 00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:23,524 I took another look at the budget, 534 00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:26,394 and I couldn't believe how much money we were wasting 535 00:20:26,396 --> 00:20:27,929 on helicopter maintenance. 536 00:20:33,736 --> 00:20:35,670 [ All cheering ] 537 00:20:35,672 --> 00:20:37,839 Steve: Oh, God! 538 00:20:37,841 --> 00:20:41,142 It's between the mattress and the box spring! 539 00:20:41,144 --> 00:20:43,678 It's smushed into the outlets! 540 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,680 It's under the carpet! 541 00:20:45,682 --> 00:20:47,682 It's in my DVD tray! 542 00:20:47,684 --> 00:20:49,751 It's trying to play it! 543 00:20:49,753 --> 00:20:51,753 It's where the batteries are supposed to be 544 00:20:51,755 --> 00:20:53,788 inside my smoke detector! 545 00:20:53,790 --> 00:20:56,824 It's between every page of my books! 546 00:20:57,104 --> 00:20:59,838 It looks like my pillow is in my pillowcase, 547 00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,633 but it is not! 548 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:06,852 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com web dl sync snarry