1 00:00:00,396 --> 00:00:02,378 I have more friends than anyone else I know, 2 00:00:02,445 --> 00:00:04,839 and every single day, more people ask 3 00:00:04,861 --> 00:00:06,495 to be friends with me. 4 00:00:08,665 --> 00:00:12,968 Seeing that number creep up does make me feel good. 5 00:00:14,037 --> 00:00:16,004 But for all my online friends, 6 00:00:16,072 --> 00:00:18,540 in the real world, I only have one. 7 00:00:18,608 --> 00:00:19,808 - Hey! - Hey. 8 00:00:19,876 --> 00:00:21,276 There you are. Got you something. 9 00:00:21,344 --> 00:00:23,011 Aah! 10 00:00:24,514 --> 00:00:26,348 What is that? 11 00:00:26,416 --> 00:00:27,850 It's a landline. 12 00:00:29,452 --> 00:00:31,787 Before touchscreens, there was touch-tone. 13 00:00:31,855 --> 00:00:33,021 And before touch-tone, 14 00:00:33,089 --> 00:00:36,658 there were rotary phones, like this one. 15 00:00:36,726 --> 00:00:38,026 Henry and I spend a lot of time together, 16 00:00:38,094 --> 00:00:39,561 and we never have sex. 17 00:00:39,629 --> 00:00:42,764 We are, in the truest sense of the word, friends. 18 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,968 This phone will teach you to be patient. 19 00:00:48,304 --> 00:00:49,404 Huh. 20 00:00:49,472 --> 00:00:51,406 It is not fast. It does not store numbers. 21 00:00:51,474 --> 00:00:53,175 So you may have to learn some. Or... 22 00:00:53,243 --> 00:00:54,276 Hmm. 23 00:00:54,344 --> 00:00:56,578 You could use one of these. 24 00:00:56,646 --> 00:00:58,480 See, that's what made our friendship so great. 25 00:00:58,548 --> 00:01:00,115 Henry was always teaching me stuff, 26 00:01:00,183 --> 00:01:01,617 and I was always letting him. 27 00:01:01,684 --> 00:01:03,619 That's why I thought nothing could come between us. 28 00:01:03,686 --> 00:01:04,786 Hi. 29 00:01:04,854 --> 00:01:05,754 Hi. 30 00:01:05,822 --> 00:01:07,489 - His door's closed. - I see that. 31 00:01:07,557 --> 00:01:08,824 I'm about to open it. 32 00:01:08,892 --> 00:01:10,125 No, no, no. 33 00:01:10,193 --> 00:01:12,394 Uh, it's intentionally closed. It's staying closed. 34 00:01:12,462 --> 00:01:13,629 What's that supposed to mean? 35 00:01:13,696 --> 00:01:14,963 Well, he's in there with someone 36 00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,932 and doesn't want to be disturbed. 37 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:17,900 Shut up. 38 00:01:17,967 --> 00:01:19,635 I'm serious, Eliza. 39 00:01:19,702 --> 00:01:21,603 He asked me to make sure no one bothers him. 40 00:01:21,671 --> 00:01:23,772 Who's in there? 41 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:24,706 I'm not at liberty to... 42 00:01:24,774 --> 00:01:26,441 - Is it Saperstein? - No. 43 00:01:26,509 --> 00:01:27,342 - Joan? - No. 44 00:01:27,410 --> 00:01:28,544 Is it Larry, Linda? 45 00:01:28,611 --> 00:01:29,611 No. No. 46 00:01:29,679 --> 00:01:31,246 Is it Obama? 47 00:01:31,314 --> 00:01:32,548 No. 48 00:01:32,615 --> 00:01:35,083 - Is it Tobey Maguire? - No. 49 00:01:35,151 --> 00:01:36,919 - Is it Tobey Maguire, you little bitch?! - No. 50 00:01:36,986 --> 00:01:37,819 No. 51 00:01:39,822 --> 00:01:41,323 - Oh. - Oh! 52 00:01:43,726 --> 00:01:46,762 Julia, this is my... Contemporary, 53 00:01:46,829 --> 00:01:48,030 Eliza. 54 00:01:48,097 --> 00:01:51,466 Eliza, I present, for your consideration, Julia, 55 00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:52,935 the gentlewoman I'm courting. 56 00:01:53,002 --> 00:01:53,769 What? 57 00:01:53,836 --> 00:01:55,137 Henry, thank you 58 00:01:55,204 --> 00:01:58,340 for the enjoyable conversation and the lime-infused water. 59 00:01:58,408 --> 00:02:00,075 No, thank you for making the schlep 60 00:02:00,143 --> 00:02:01,910 and providing the curried chicken salad. 61 00:02:07,951 --> 00:02:09,051 Henry? 62 00:02:09,118 --> 00:02:11,987 Are you low-key dating that tiny woman? 63 00:02:12,055 --> 00:02:14,156 Well, increasingly, things are moving 64 00:02:14,223 --> 00:02:15,524 in that direction, so... 65 00:02:15,592 --> 00:02:17,593 I would have to say yes. 66 00:02:17,660 --> 00:02:19,528 Officially, yes, I am. 67 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:24,666 Thank you, Charlie. 68 00:02:46,189 --> 00:02:47,356 What seems to be the problem? 69 00:02:47,423 --> 00:02:48,557 What? No, it's not a... Nothing. 70 00:02:48,625 --> 00:02:50,292 It's just... it's weird that you didn't tell me 71 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:51,994 that you officially started dating someone. 72 00:02:52,061 --> 00:02:53,729 We just became official like six seconds ago. 73 00:02:53,796 --> 00:02:55,097 Yeah, but if I hadn't have asked, 74 00:02:55,164 --> 00:02:56,231 you wouldn't have told me. 75 00:02:56,299 --> 00:02:57,799 - So? - So? 76 00:02:57,867 --> 00:03:00,669 I tell you every single detail about my love life with Freddy. 77 00:03:00,737 --> 00:03:03,305 That is a habit I'm desperately trying to break you of. 78 00:03:03,373 --> 00:03:05,440 Lest we not forget, you were the one 79 00:03:05,508 --> 00:03:07,576 who was giving me grief about not getting any. 80 00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:10,612 I thought you'd be happy for me. 81 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,015 But, funnily enough, they never are. 82 00:03:13,082 --> 00:03:16,251 Now, I typically don't like to generalize, but I will say, 83 00:03:16,319 --> 00:03:18,487 with the exception of Phylicia Rashad, 84 00:03:18,554 --> 00:03:21,623 whom I once chatted with on a layover at O'Hare airport, 85 00:03:21,691 --> 00:03:23,558 all women are highly emotional 86 00:03:23,626 --> 00:03:25,427 and deeply jealous creatures. 87 00:03:25,495 --> 00:03:27,396 Julia doesn't seem to be that... 88 00:03:27,463 --> 00:03:28,997 Uh, doesn't seem to be. 89 00:03:29,065 --> 00:03:31,600 I'm telling you, the two of us are really simpatico, 90 00:03:31,668 --> 00:03:33,502 more so than anyone else I've ever dated. 91 00:03:33,569 --> 00:03:36,171 We're both well-groomed, but not overly ornate. 92 00:03:41,577 --> 00:03:45,113 Neither of us feel compelled to fill every silence 93 00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:47,582 with mindless chatter. 94 00:03:47,650 --> 00:03:49,618 And when we do make conversation, 95 00:03:49,686 --> 00:03:51,253 we always see eye-to-eye. 96 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,288 Holding hands or locking pinkies? 97 00:03:53,356 --> 00:03:54,289 Locking pinkies. 98 00:03:58,628 --> 00:04:01,663 Well, enjoy the pinky-holding while it lasts 99 00:04:01,731 --> 00:04:03,865 because when Julia catches wind of how much time 100 00:04:03,933 --> 00:04:05,400 you're spending with Eliza, 101 00:04:05,468 --> 00:04:07,569 she's gonna get all weird and threatened. 102 00:04:07,637 --> 00:04:09,571 Just... oh, hold on. 103 00:04:09,639 --> 00:04:11,006 Hey, there, lover. 104 00:04:11,074 --> 00:04:12,874 No, I'm with Henry. 105 00:04:12,942 --> 00:04:15,177 Yes, I am. 106 00:04:15,244 --> 00:04:18,146 All right, I'll put him on right now. 107 00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:20,182 Henry, say hi to my wife. 108 00:04:20,249 --> 00:04:22,150 - No, no, no. - Just let her hear your voice! 109 00:04:25,988 --> 00:04:27,556 Hi, Nancy. It's Henry. 110 00:04:28,725 --> 00:04:30,559 No, it's not Larry doing a voice. 111 00:04:30,626 --> 00:04:31,960 - It's really me. - Good, good. 112 00:04:32,028 --> 00:04:34,196 Oh, God, just because he's dating someone else 113 00:04:34,263 --> 00:04:37,399 does not mean things between us will change. 114 00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:39,434 No way... I'm just being paranoid. 115 00:04:39,502 --> 00:04:41,603 You're not being paranoid. 116 00:04:41,671 --> 00:04:44,906 You remember Thistle from my book club? 117 00:04:44,974 --> 00:04:48,343 She and I were hard-core bffs. 118 00:04:48,411 --> 00:04:50,212 We canned peaches together, 119 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:52,013 nostalgia-read Judy Blume books together. 120 00:04:52,081 --> 00:04:54,049 We were even on the same menstrual cycle. 121 00:04:54,117 --> 00:04:56,284 But then she started dating Balthazar and singing backup 122 00:04:56,352 --> 00:04:58,353 in his Ashkenazi klezmer band, 123 00:04:58,421 --> 00:05:01,456 and just like that, our friendship was over. 124 00:05:01,524 --> 00:05:04,826 Well, luckily, Henry doesn't listen to klezmer. 125 00:05:04,894 --> 00:05:06,728 Oh, no. It wasn't the klezmer. 126 00:05:06,796 --> 00:05:07,863 It was Balthazar. 127 00:05:07,930 --> 00:05:10,065 He felt threatened by our friendship. 128 00:05:10,133 --> 00:05:11,900 And thistle knew I didn't like him, 129 00:05:11,968 --> 00:05:13,535 which drove a wedge between us. 130 00:05:13,603 --> 00:05:17,205 If I had just been more supportive of him, 131 00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:19,674 maybe I'd still be friends with her. 132 00:05:22,478 --> 00:05:24,079 We need to talk. 133 00:05:24,147 --> 00:05:26,148 I'm sorry for how I reacted. 134 00:05:26,215 --> 00:05:27,783 I'm sorry I sprung this Julia news on you. 135 00:05:27,850 --> 00:05:28,884 But I've thought about it, 136 00:05:28,951 --> 00:05:30,218 and I want to be super-supportive. 137 00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:31,453 I hope you can be super-supportive 138 00:05:31,521 --> 00:05:32,721 because I really do like Julia. 139 00:05:32,789 --> 00:05:35,090 I get it. I get it. And I'm dating someone, too. 140 00:05:35,158 --> 00:05:36,124 - Hi, Freddy. - Hey. 141 00:05:36,192 --> 00:05:37,325 Oh! 142 00:05:37,393 --> 00:05:38,894 Even though he's a tool, I try to be encouraging. 143 00:05:38,961 --> 00:05:40,195 As I will be 144 00:05:40,263 --> 00:05:41,897 of your tiny, sterile, micro, pocket lady-boy. 145 00:05:41,964 --> 00:05:44,132 Listen, and as far as our friendship goes... 146 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,233 Nothing has to change. 147 00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:46,968 I completely agree. 148 00:05:47,036 --> 00:05:48,136 I was gonna say 149 00:05:48,204 --> 00:05:50,605 we should probably make some modifications. 150 00:05:50,673 --> 00:05:52,707 What kind of modifications? 151 00:05:52,775 --> 00:05:55,210 Well, we probably don't need quite as many work sessions, 152 00:05:55,278 --> 00:05:57,078 since you've been doing so well recently. 153 00:05:57,146 --> 00:05:58,947 Uh, what are you talking about? 154 00:05:59,015 --> 00:06:00,649 Yesterday was Linda's birthday, 155 00:06:00,716 --> 00:06:03,118 and I didn't sign her card because my nails were wet. 156 00:06:03,186 --> 00:06:05,253 - I'm not doing well. I'm just... I'm not. - There she is! 157 00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:08,023 There's our number-one sales rep. 158 00:06:08,090 --> 00:06:09,991 My little shooting star! 159 00:06:10,059 --> 00:06:11,593 Me? No, no, no, no. You've got the wrong girl. 160 00:06:11,661 --> 00:06:13,829 I am consistently late to work. 161 00:06:13,896 --> 00:06:17,299 And sometimes I turn in receipts for personal expenses. 162 00:06:17,366 --> 00:06:19,434 Well, you know who else was a bit of a rule-breaker? 163 00:06:19,502 --> 00:06:21,603 Harriet Tubman. 164 00:06:21,671 --> 00:06:25,440 Like you, she had a... She had a lot of followers. 165 00:06:25,508 --> 00:06:27,742 Yeah, a lot of followers. 166 00:06:27,810 --> 00:06:31,146 How many followers would you say you have? 167 00:06:31,214 --> 00:06:34,583 Um, across all platforms? 168 00:06:34,650 --> 00:06:38,086 - Roughly 300,000, sir. - Wow. 169 00:06:38,154 --> 00:06:40,422 That's... that's significantly more than Tubman. 170 00:06:40,489 --> 00:06:41,723 Although, to be fair, 171 00:06:41,791 --> 00:06:43,992 she did have a lot more on her plate 172 00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:45,961 than, uh... You do. 173 00:06:46,028 --> 00:06:49,297 How would you like to introduce our keynote speaker 174 00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:51,299 at the pharmaceutical conference next week? 175 00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,401 Me? 176 00:06:53,469 --> 00:06:55,470 We could use a little star power. 177 00:06:55,538 --> 00:06:57,572 - Oh. - And I'm not afraid to tell you 178 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,575 Joan sucked the life out of Pharmaceuti-Con last year. 179 00:07:00,643 --> 00:07:01,810 But this year, 180 00:07:01,878 --> 00:07:04,179 I really want to grab people's attention. 181 00:07:04,247 --> 00:07:05,347 So, what do you say? 182 00:07:05,414 --> 00:07:07,182 Will you get up there and make 183 00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:09,150 Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals proud? 184 00:07:09,218 --> 00:07:11,253 - I'd be honored, sir. - Great. 185 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,188 And I'm sure with Henry by my side... 186 00:07:15,358 --> 00:07:16,892 I can't lose. 187 00:07:19,621 --> 00:07:21,792 I thought we were gonna eat lunch together, like always. 188 00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:24,161 I'm sorry. I promised Julia. 189 00:07:24,229 --> 00:07:25,863 Henry, this isn't a good time for Julia. 190 00:07:25,930 --> 00:07:27,297 I have Pharmaceuti-Con coming up, 191 00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:29,500 and I need your help preparing for the keynote speech. 192 00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:31,535 Eliza, you are introducing the speech, not giving it. 193 00:07:31,603 --> 00:07:33,270 All you got to say is, "here's this guy." 194 00:07:33,338 --> 00:07:35,172 And if you can remember his name, all the better. 195 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:36,726 So... 196 00:07:36,764 --> 00:07:38,665 - You're not gonna help me? - I just did! 197 00:07:38,732 --> 00:07:39,766 How's my hair? 198 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,001 - Black. Same as always. - Thank you. 199 00:07:42,069 --> 00:07:45,438 Hey, if you want to eat lunch in my office, you're welcome to. 200 00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:48,241 What's that supposed to mean? 201 00:07:48,309 --> 00:07:50,844 I think he just means that it's okay 202 00:07:50,911 --> 00:07:52,011 to eat in his office, 203 00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:53,046 even though he's not gonna be in there. 204 00:07:53,113 --> 00:07:55,014 And you don't think that's weird? 205 00:07:55,082 --> 00:07:57,417 I mean, he's on his way to eat lunch with his new girlfriend, 206 00:07:57,484 --> 00:07:59,085 and he's telling me to eat in his office? 207 00:07:59,153 --> 00:07:59,919 Hello! 208 00:07:59,987 --> 00:08:01,788 Okay, I'm surmising 209 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:04,457 that you're worried now that Henry's dating... 210 00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:07,060 Ooh! She whose name shall not be spoken. 211 00:08:07,127 --> 00:08:08,528 Julia... 212 00:08:08,596 --> 00:08:10,530 That he won't want you in his life anymore. 213 00:08:10,598 --> 00:08:13,566 I know I'm probably just being paranoid. 214 00:08:13,634 --> 00:08:15,201 No, you're not being paranoid. 215 00:08:15,269 --> 00:08:17,303 That's pretty much the script, unless... 216 00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:19,138 You do something to flip it. 217 00:08:19,206 --> 00:08:21,441 Well, I tried being, like, supportive. 218 00:08:21,508 --> 00:08:22,742 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 219 00:08:22,810 --> 00:08:24,878 I'm not talking about being supportive. 220 00:08:24,945 --> 00:08:26,980 Little Miss Muffet needs to recognize. 221 00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:29,582 Now, what you need to do is the same thing I did 222 00:08:29,650 --> 00:08:32,151 when this lady from my urban league who does hair 223 00:08:32,219 --> 00:08:34,254 was trying to steal my best friend, Camilla. 224 00:08:34,321 --> 00:08:36,656 What did you do? 225 00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:38,925 I took the bitch down. 226 00:08:40,094 --> 00:08:41,861 Huh! 227 00:08:41,929 --> 00:08:44,163 Look at this profile pic. 228 00:08:44,231 --> 00:08:47,033 Ugh. That is tasteful and demure. 229 00:08:47,101 --> 00:08:48,635 And these reviews... 230 00:08:48,702 --> 00:08:51,104 "After years of being misdiagnosed, 231 00:08:51,171 --> 00:08:53,606 "Dr. Julia honed in on the true cause 232 00:08:53,674 --> 00:08:56,376 "of my son's neurogenic bladder disorder. 233 00:08:56,443 --> 00:08:59,612 Thanks to Dr. Julia, Truman is now peeing freely." 234 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,915 Oh, way to go, Truman. 235 00:09:01,982 --> 00:09:03,516 Okay. Okay. Okay. 236 00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:04,851 But they're not all Trumans. 237 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,386 I mean, look right here. 238 00:09:06,453 --> 00:09:08,087 "Wait time was a little longer than expected." 239 00:09:08,155 --> 00:09:11,257 "But only because Dr. Julia was performing 240 00:09:11,325 --> 00:09:14,327 emergency urethral reconstructive surgery"? 241 00:09:14,395 --> 00:09:15,662 "Dr. J is a hero." 242 00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:18,197 Okay, but... 243 00:09:18,265 --> 00:09:19,532 I got nothing. 244 00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:22,702 Since I couldn't find 245 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,938 a visible hole in Julia's character, 246 00:09:25,005 --> 00:09:26,406 I decided to poke one. 247 00:09:26,473 --> 00:09:28,975 Mmm! Tea time! 248 00:09:29,043 --> 00:09:31,444 Don't mind if I don't. 249 00:09:31,512 --> 00:09:32,779 What? You don't want tea? 250 00:09:32,846 --> 00:09:34,914 There's no need to specify that you don't want something, 251 00:09:34,982 --> 00:09:36,616 particularly if it hasn't been offered. 252 00:09:36,684 --> 00:09:39,452 Duly noted, Earl Grey. 253 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:40,887 Okay, you're acting weird. 254 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:41,955 I'm being weird? 255 00:09:42,022 --> 00:09:43,823 I'm not the one who loves urine. 256 00:09:43,891 --> 00:09:45,124 What did you say? 257 00:09:45,192 --> 00:09:47,927 Baby urine. Isn't that your new lady's fave? 258 00:09:47,995 --> 00:09:49,829 Her fave? 259 00:09:49,897 --> 00:09:51,364 Julia's a pediatric urologist. 260 00:09:51,432 --> 00:09:52,498 Like I said. 261 00:09:52,566 --> 00:09:54,233 Urology is not the study of urine. 262 00:09:54,301 --> 00:09:56,369 It is the study of the urinary-tract system, 263 00:09:56,437 --> 00:09:59,272 which includes the kidneys, the adrenal glands, the bladder, 264 00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:00,606 as well as the male reproductive organs. 265 00:10:00,674 --> 00:10:02,842 Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Peen. 266 00:10:02,910 --> 00:10:04,477 She's a pediatric urologist. 267 00:10:04,545 --> 00:10:06,846 Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Baby-Peen. 268 00:10:06,914 --> 00:10:07,914 So sorry. 269 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,516 Okay, you are being incredibly juvenile. 270 00:10:10,584 --> 00:10:12,719 Henry, come on. Come on. 271 00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:14,020 You're still coming over tonight, right, 272 00:10:14,088 --> 00:10:16,923 to help me with the keynote thingy? 273 00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:18,224 Henry? 274 00:10:18,292 --> 00:10:21,160 So, I'll start on the Risotto if you want to prep 275 00:10:21,228 --> 00:10:23,863 the lamb shanks and mirepoix for braising. 276 00:10:23,931 --> 00:10:25,698 Braise, huh? 277 00:10:25,766 --> 00:10:28,301 What is the E.T.A. on a braise? 278 00:10:28,369 --> 00:10:29,869 Do you have somewhere to be? 279 00:10:29,937 --> 00:10:31,971 Uh, not immediately, but I may have this one work thing 280 00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:34,440 - to take care of later tonight. - Fine. 281 00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:36,109 If it's not fine, you can say so. 282 00:10:36,176 --> 00:10:37,510 I can probably blow it off. 283 00:10:37,578 --> 00:10:38,611 Oh, no. 284 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,880 I'm sorry if I sound punishing, Henry. 285 00:10:40,948 --> 00:10:42,448 That's my default cadence. 286 00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:45,818 It's fine. Sincerely, I'm not mad. 287 00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:49,522 Truth told, I had a... Rough day at work. 288 00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:51,758 Oh, I'm sorry. You want to talk about it? 289 00:10:51,825 --> 00:10:54,394 Some idiot left a bunch of negative feedback 290 00:10:54,461 --> 00:10:56,062 - about me online. - What? 291 00:10:56,130 --> 00:10:59,098 They kept insisting that I got my "peen-HD" 292 00:10:59,166 --> 00:11:00,733 in "urinology." 293 00:11:00,801 --> 00:11:04,470 Have you ever heard of something so incredibly ignorant? 294 00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:06,739 Unfortunately, I have. 295 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:15,448 I think I was being stood up. 296 00:11:16,817 --> 00:11:18,317 I'd never actually been stood up before, 297 00:11:18,385 --> 00:11:20,653 so I wasn't totally sure. 298 00:11:27,694 --> 00:11:30,396 I checked all my phones to make sure 299 00:11:30,464 --> 00:11:31,464 they were in working order. 300 00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:34,600 They were. 301 00:11:34,668 --> 00:11:36,069 Hello? Hello? 302 00:11:36,136 --> 00:11:37,470 Hello? Hello? 303 00:11:37,538 --> 00:11:39,038 Hello. I'm talking to myself. 304 00:11:39,106 --> 00:11:40,206 I'm talking to myself. 305 00:11:42,342 --> 00:11:45,978 So I sat by the phone waiting for Henry to call. 306 00:11:46,046 --> 00:11:46,879 Aah! Aah! 307 00:11:48,415 --> 00:11:49,649 But he didn't. 308 00:11:49,716 --> 00:11:51,117 Aah! 309 00:11:51,185 --> 00:11:52,785 Henry? 310 00:11:52,853 --> 00:11:54,754 Ah. Ahh. 311 00:11:56,423 --> 00:11:58,224 Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I do have three minutes 312 00:11:58,292 --> 00:12:00,460 to answer a few short questions about my water usage. 313 00:12:00,527 --> 00:12:01,427 Abso... 314 00:12:01,495 --> 00:12:03,463 Uh, I got to go. 315 00:12:08,135 --> 00:12:09,435 Yes! 316 00:12:09,503 --> 00:12:11,704 - [I knew you'd come. - Hold your mirth. 317 00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,640 I'm here for one reason, and one reason only. 318 00:12:14,708 --> 00:12:18,144 To help me learn to say "here's this guy"? Huh? 319 00:12:18,212 --> 00:12:19,312 How could you have left 320 00:12:19,379 --> 00:12:20,980 those negative reviews of Julia online? 321 00:12:21,048 --> 00:12:24,183 That is a career you're messing with, and why? 322 00:12:24,251 --> 00:12:27,353 Because you can't stand anyone but you soaking up my attention. 323 00:12:27,421 --> 00:12:29,322 You are not the sun, Eliza. 324 00:12:29,389 --> 00:12:32,558 The world does not revolve around you. 325 00:12:33,694 --> 00:12:34,861 You're right. 326 00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,896 I think I'm the sun. 327 00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:39,232 And I hear from your tone that I'm not. 328 00:12:39,299 --> 00:12:41,968 Point bees, until we figure out who the sun is, 329 00:12:42,035 --> 00:12:44,103 maybe we need to go back to meeting 330 00:12:44,171 --> 00:12:46,139 like one to three times per week. 331 00:12:46,206 --> 00:12:47,907 You do need help. 332 00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:49,876 But you're not gonna get it from me. 333 00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:51,110 I think we're done here. 334 00:12:53,113 --> 00:12:55,314 Wait... done with our conversation, or done with this friendship? 335 00:12:55,382 --> 00:12:58,017 Henry, just clarify! 336 00:13:02,721 --> 00:13:04,021 Henry had dumped me. 337 00:13:04,089 --> 00:13:05,522 I was legit friendless 338 00:13:05,590 --> 00:13:08,058 and feeling so-Cal sorry for myself. 339 00:13:08,126 --> 00:13:09,860 #thestruggleisreal. 340 00:13:11,830 --> 00:13:12,696 Beep, beep. 341 00:13:12,764 --> 00:13:13,731 Excuse us. 342 00:13:13,798 --> 00:13:14,798 Wow. 343 00:13:14,866 --> 00:13:16,200 You know something? 344 00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:18,602 No one has ever baked me a cake. 345 00:13:18,670 --> 00:13:21,338 This is the closest I've ever come to someone 346 00:13:21,406 --> 00:13:22,673 baking me a cake... 347 00:13:22,741 --> 00:13:26,110 Standing near a cake that was baked for someone else. 348 00:13:26,177 --> 00:13:28,112 And now that I've lost the only real friend I ever had, 349 00:13:28,179 --> 00:13:31,281 I'm guessing my future is gonna be pretty cake-less. 350 00:13:31,349 --> 00:13:33,117 Pretty cake-less, you guys. 351 00:13:39,131 --> 00:13:40,699 Sorry, can you move? 352 00:13:40,766 --> 00:13:42,434 We need to get this cake to Balthazar 353 00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,035 before the fondant starts to sweat. 354 00:13:44,103 --> 00:13:45,804 You baked a cake for Balthazar? 355 00:13:45,871 --> 00:13:47,305 I thought you guys hated Balthazar. 356 00:13:47,373 --> 00:13:49,741 We do. But we miss Thistle. 357 00:13:49,809 --> 00:13:51,776 So we're bringing this as an olive branch. 358 00:13:51,844 --> 00:13:54,679 There's nothing in the world a moist cake can't cure... 359 00:13:54,747 --> 00:13:55,647 Except alcoholism. 360 00:13:56,749 --> 00:13:58,550 Have a great one. 361 00:14:01,821 --> 00:14:03,355 And that's when I realized... 362 00:14:03,422 --> 00:14:05,223 Since there's nothing in the world, 363 00:14:05,291 --> 00:14:07,625 besides alcoholism, that a moist cake can't cure, 364 00:14:07,693 --> 00:14:09,327 I thought I'd bake one for Julia 365 00:14:09,395 --> 00:14:11,429 to show that I do respect her profession 366 00:14:11,497 --> 00:14:13,298 and that I now know where the prostate is. 367 00:14:16,769 --> 00:14:18,169 Dernk! 368 00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:20,238 Oh. Looks delicious. 369 00:14:20,306 --> 00:14:22,273 Save me a slice of the bladder. 370 00:14:22,341 --> 00:14:23,608 Will do... 371 00:14:23,676 --> 00:14:24,876 If you will call Julia's office, pretend to be my mother, 372 00:14:24,944 --> 00:14:26,578 and see if you can get her to squeeze me in 373 00:14:26,645 --> 00:14:28,079 for an appointment this afternoon. 374 00:14:28,147 --> 00:14:30,115 - No. - But if I make nice with Julia, 375 00:14:30,182 --> 00:14:31,716 maybe she'll let me stay friends with Henry. 376 00:14:31,784 --> 00:14:32,650 No. 377 00:14:32,718 --> 00:14:34,019 Please? 378 00:14:34,086 --> 00:14:34,819 No. 379 00:14:36,155 --> 00:14:38,690 Look, you're already a mom, and you give good phone. 380 00:14:38,758 --> 00:14:40,158 This will be easy for you. 381 00:14:43,596 --> 00:14:45,697 Hello, I'd like to make an appointment 382 00:14:45,765 --> 00:14:48,974 for an adult white lady carrying a prostate cake. 383 00:14:49,568 --> 00:14:51,803 Yes, 3:15's fine. 384 00:15:00,012 --> 00:15:02,380 Does one of you have a Teen Vogue or something? 385 00:15:02,448 --> 00:15:03,615 I'd even take 386 00:15:03,682 --> 00:15:04,916 a Good Housekeeping at this point. 387 00:15:04,984 --> 00:15:05,717 Moms? 388 00:15:12,124 --> 00:15:14,225 That one's my favorite. 389 00:15:15,628 --> 00:15:17,228 "The courageous kitty"? 390 00:15:17,296 --> 00:15:19,297 What's so courageous about her? 391 00:15:19,365 --> 00:15:21,666 Did she come out to her parents? Huh? 392 00:15:21,734 --> 00:15:22,734 Hey. 393 00:15:22,802 --> 00:15:25,003 It's about a scared little kitty 394 00:15:25,071 --> 00:15:27,772 who doesn't think she can cross the river 395 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,208 - to get to her first rodeo. - What? 396 00:15:30,276 --> 00:15:32,811 But she just keeps believing in herself. 397 00:15:32,878 --> 00:15:36,448 And she realizes that she can make it. 398 00:15:36,515 --> 00:15:39,150 And then she does make it. 399 00:15:39,218 --> 00:15:41,619 And she stays on the boat for nine... 400 00:15:41,687 --> 00:15:43,988 This is your favorite book? 401 00:15:44,056 --> 00:15:45,657 Then I realized... 402 00:15:45,724 --> 00:15:46,958 That little girl 403 00:15:47,026 --> 00:15:48,593 with the terrible taste in literature 404 00:15:48,661 --> 00:15:49,794 was there for a reason. 405 00:15:49,862 --> 00:15:52,664 It burns when I oopsy. 406 00:15:52,731 --> 00:15:54,199 Okay, two reasons. 407 00:15:54,266 --> 00:15:56,701 And the second one was to help me believe in myself. 408 00:15:56,769 --> 00:15:58,536 I don't need to grovel or beg. 409 00:15:58,604 --> 00:16:01,873 I'm the courageous kitty, but hotter. 410 00:16:01,941 --> 00:16:05,343 And I can handle Pharmaceuti-Con all on my own. 411 00:16:11,517 --> 00:16:15,186 Look at this cake one of my patients madme. 412 00:16:15,254 --> 00:16:16,187 Wow! 413 00:16:16,255 --> 00:16:17,255 A child made that? 414 00:16:17,323 --> 00:16:19,290 Yes, a child with a very thorough 415 00:16:19,358 --> 00:16:21,626 understanding of the urological system. 416 00:16:21,694 --> 00:16:22,427 Yeah. 417 00:16:33,604 --> 00:16:36,739 May I offer you a piece of the urethra? 418 00:16:36,807 --> 00:16:37,807 No. 419 00:16:37,875 --> 00:16:39,442 Irritable bowel? 420 00:16:39,510 --> 00:16:42,512 Oh... Or just irritable? 421 00:16:42,579 --> 00:16:45,715 I'm not irritable. I-I-I'm fine. 422 00:16:45,783 --> 00:16:46,749 I'm fine. 423 00:16:46,817 --> 00:16:49,252 Mmm! This is good! 424 00:16:49,319 --> 00:16:51,921 Season 3 "Mentalist" finale. Let's do it. 425 00:16:51,989 --> 00:16:53,623 Henry... 426 00:16:53,691 --> 00:16:55,391 One needn't be the mentalist 427 00:16:55,459 --> 00:16:59,462 to see that something is bothering you. 428 00:16:59,530 --> 00:17:01,097 Okay, I'm sorry. 429 00:17:01,165 --> 00:17:04,367 It's just, um... 430 00:17:04,435 --> 00:17:05,835 Do you know that contemporary of mine 431 00:17:05,903 --> 00:17:07,136 I introduced you to? 432 00:17:07,204 --> 00:17:10,039 The jolly ginger giantess. Yes, I remember. 433 00:17:10,107 --> 00:17:12,475 Ooh, she was a skyscraper, she was. 434 00:17:12,543 --> 00:17:13,643 Right. 435 00:17:13,711 --> 00:17:16,245 The thing is, she's more than a contemporary. 436 00:17:16,313 --> 00:17:18,047 She's more like a friend. 437 00:17:18,115 --> 00:17:21,050 The two of us are pretty close, actually. 438 00:17:21,118 --> 00:17:22,351 And? 439 00:17:22,419 --> 00:17:24,053 And... 440 00:17:24,121 --> 00:17:26,055 Eliza... 441 00:17:26,123 --> 00:17:29,759 She has a big event tonight, and it is the kind of thing 442 00:17:29,827 --> 00:17:32,228 that I would normally be there for 443 00:17:32,296 --> 00:17:33,730 to offer her support. 444 00:17:33,797 --> 00:17:34,931 But I didn't... 445 00:17:34,998 --> 00:17:38,000 I didn't want it to be an issue between us. 446 00:17:38,068 --> 00:17:40,837 Well, why would it be an issue? 447 00:17:40,904 --> 00:17:42,271 I'm a self-assured woman. 448 00:17:42,339 --> 00:17:44,874 Of course I expect you to have female friends. 449 00:17:44,942 --> 00:17:47,176 I myself have throngs of male cohorts. 450 00:17:47,244 --> 00:17:48,778 So you don't mind if I... 451 00:17:48,846 --> 00:17:49,946 Throngs? 452 00:17:50,013 --> 00:17:51,781 What... what... What constitutes a throng? 453 00:17:51,849 --> 00:17:54,751 Oh, more than a gaggle, less than a swarm. 454 00:17:54,818 --> 00:17:58,688 Go help your enormous friend. It's no problemo. 455 00:17:58,756 --> 00:18:00,490 I won't have a cow. 456 00:18:01,725 --> 00:18:03,292 "The Mentalist" and I will be here 457 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,861 waiting for you when you get back. 458 00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:13,136 You are Phylicia Rashad. 459 00:18:14,238 --> 00:18:16,839 I get that a lot. 460 00:18:16,907 --> 00:18:20,209 Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you 461 00:18:20,277 --> 00:18:21,711 to Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals' 462 00:18:21,779 --> 00:18:25,047 strides in children's medicine symposium. 463 00:18:25,115 --> 00:18:28,050 Now, here to introduce our keynote speaker, 464 00:18:28,118 --> 00:18:29,285 Ms. Eliza Dooley. 465 00:18:29,353 --> 00:18:31,154 As I stepped onto the stage, it hit me. 466 00:18:31,221 --> 00:18:32,455 I was on my own. 467 00:18:32,523 --> 00:18:33,689 I couldn't believe that my only friend 468 00:18:33,757 --> 00:18:35,658 was missing the most important moment 469 00:18:35,726 --> 00:18:37,260 in the guy I was introducing's life. 470 00:18:37,327 --> 00:18:38,628 There she is. There she is. 471 00:18:38,695 --> 00:18:39,595 Oh. 472 00:18:42,266 --> 00:18:43,699 Thank you. 473 00:18:45,969 --> 00:18:48,371 And now this guy. 474 00:18:53,076 --> 00:18:53,776 Oh. 475 00:18:57,314 --> 00:19:00,149 Thank you. 476 00:19:00,217 --> 00:19:02,652 Shine bright like a diamond. 477 00:19:02,719 --> 00:19:04,387 Thank you so much. 478 00:19:04,454 --> 00:19:07,390 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 479 00:19:07,457 --> 00:19:08,758 I had killed it, 480 00:19:08,826 --> 00:19:10,593 but no amount of new friend requests 481 00:19:10,661 --> 00:19:11,961 could replace the one person 482 00:19:12,029 --> 00:19:13,763 who had unfriended me in real life. 483 00:19:13,831 --> 00:19:15,364 Told you you could do it. 484 00:19:17,034 --> 00:19:19,802 Hey. You showed up. 485 00:19:21,405 --> 00:19:25,408 And what happened to me not needing you anymore? 486 00:19:25,475 --> 00:19:26,576 Are you kidding? 487 00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:28,244 You didn't sign Linda's birthday card 488 00:19:28,312 --> 00:19:29,812 because your nails were wet. 489 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,549 What about the tardiness and the petty-cash fraud? 490 00:19:33,617 --> 00:19:36,953 Not to mention your tendency to use emojis in work memos. 491 00:19:37,921 --> 00:19:39,388 Your rudeness to children. 492 00:19:39,456 --> 00:19:40,223 Hey. 493 00:19:40,290 --> 00:19:41,424 Constant gum-chewing. 494 00:19:41,491 --> 00:19:43,192 And that landline I gave you, 495 00:19:43,260 --> 00:19:45,962 which has been off the hook for at least 24 hours. 496 00:19:46,029 --> 00:19:46,863 Oh, God. 497 00:19:46,930 --> 00:19:48,931 I'm sorry. 498 00:19:48,999 --> 00:19:50,066 Come on. 499 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:57,473 Thank you. 500 00:19:57,527 --> 00:20:00,095 Sync & corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com 501 00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:02,204 Aah. Aah. 502 00:20:02,272 --> 00:20:04,340 I heard someone in here 503 00:20:04,407 --> 00:20:06,362 has a burning pee-pee! 504 00:20:07,911 --> 00:20:10,213 You're not a child. 505 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,881 But I acted like one. 506 00:20:13,584 --> 00:20:15,251 Did Henry send you? 507 00:20:15,319 --> 00:20:16,285 No. 508 00:20:18,822 --> 00:20:21,858 I want to apologize for writing those stupid reviews. 509 00:20:21,925 --> 00:20:24,427 Well... Thank you. 510 00:20:26,063 --> 00:20:29,632 And I'm gonna make it up to you by writing a new one that says 511 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,068 you reconstructed my oopsy and gave me one of your kidneys. 512 00:20:32,136 --> 00:20:33,836 Please, don't do that. 513 00:20:33,904 --> 00:20:36,205 False reviews of any kind are a strict breach of... 514 00:20:36,273 --> 00:20:38,541 Even if they come from the Urine-versity of Southern Bladderfornia? 515 00:20:38,609 --> 00:20:40,543 Especially if they come from 516 00:20:40,611 --> 00:20:43,413 the Urine-versity of Southern Bladderfornia. 517 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,648 Ah. 518 00:20:45,716 --> 00:20:47,750 Now, if you will excuse me, 519 00:20:47,818 --> 00:20:50,319 I have some actual patients to see. 520 00:20:50,387 --> 00:20:51,120 Yeah. 521 00:20:52,523 --> 00:20:53,423 Bye. 522 00:20:53,490 --> 00:20:55,058 And that's when I realized... 523 00:20:55,125 --> 00:20:57,493 Julia and I may never be friends, 524 00:20:57,561 --> 00:21:00,129 but at least I was the bigger person.