# Theme music
(Laughter)
Nice one, Pig. Hey! Up next, Jason Mraz.
We are out.
Um, Jason Mraz is a no-show. Ah, shit. Thanks, Karen.
Mraz is snowboarding. James Reyne can be here in seven minutes.
We could finally do Sneaky Farts! Yes!
One of us farts into the microphone,
listeners call in and guess who it was.
Pig, got a relationship story?
My situation has gotten a little bit... legal.
I've started dating someone. Cynth!
Have you got a bloke on the go? No, I don't.
Perfectamundo. Let's do that.
Do what? We're back in ten.
Let's get a photo of her on the website, Karen.
Smile! In three.
Sit down. Sorry.
You are listening to Thunder FM.
It is 7:46 in the AM, and Pig, it's gotten a bit steamy in the sty.
(Squeals and laughs)
The first five single dudes to get into the studio
get to grab a hot date with single Cynth,
because we are playing Perfect Snatch.
JINGLE: # Perfect Snatch
Is it too much?
Oh, Jen, it's perfect. It's beautiful.
Do I look tired? Because I've been pretending to be a lion all day,
which is exhausting.
You need to take a break from being a mum
and try and enjoy being...
Don't you dare say 'cougar'. ..a single, sexy, hot chick.
The great thing about going out with Greg's brother
is that if it all goes well, then we're going to be family.
Ha! Oh, settle down, sister.
Bubbly! That's a good sign... (Chuckles)
..for you. (Laughs)
Wow. Jen, you look great.
Oh. Good. Thank you.
Thanks for being so cool about the change of plans.
Change of plans? Yeah, the...
Where is Brad, by the way?
Did you check your messages today? No.
It would have been really handy if you'd checked your messages.
Chloe threw my phone into the dryer. Just call the landline.
I did not know we had a landline.
(Doorbell rings, cheering)
You stay here, I'll get the door.
I should get it, shouldn't I? Keep drinking, keep drinking.
No, I'll get it.
Get back. Get out of it! It's my house, my phone, my door.
There has been a change of plans. Oh...
You must be Jen. You are a good sort, aren't you?
Sorry, you're..?
G'day, Dad. Graham.
So is... is Brad here?
Are they for Twattsie and The Pig?
Yes. Oh.
Could I still take one? Yes.
Or three? Yeah. Yes.
You know what? I'm just going to grab these. Thanks.
Yes.
Oh! Oh, these are some pastries for Twattsie and The Pig.
Are you single? Yes.
(Toy squeaks)
What's the issue? Dad is a man, he's staying with us,
he's down from the Gold Coast.
You said Jen was desperate and needed a date.
You are just unbelievable! No, I didn't mean it like that.
I am so, so, so sorry. You really don't have to do this.
I am just... I'm going to tell him.
What would you say?
Period pain. Hm.
(Toy squeaks)
He's here, and I've got a babysitter. I'll be fine.
I'm... I'm determined to get back into the dating world,
and if the first cab off the rank happens to be someone's dad...
Grandad too. He's a grandad.
Sorry to interrupt the mothers' group,
but we should probably get a wriggle on.
Graham, Jen's got a really heavy period.
(Laughs) Not really.
Single Cynth, it's time to choose.
Now, this is an independent woman. She carries a taser in her handbag.
No, I've just got a pepper spray.
We've got John, never married, who's carrying a bag of cat food.
Beth, who by all reports is a lesbian!
I'm sorry, I'm not a lesbian.
Um, you sound pretty lez to me.
My lezometer - pretty moist right now.
Ho-ho! And finally, the flan man himself, George.
The choice is yours, Cynth.
Ah, I guess I choose John.
John!
(Canned cheering)
W...w...well... Sorry, this is amazing.
Sorry. I've had a really tough year. I lost my mother, and...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you...
I'm really sorry. I meant, ah... What's your name?
George. I meant George, not...
John.
Can I get some free CDs?
Bum-bowm! But for George and Cynth, it's a date!
Just so you know, Jen, I know you've had a tough time of late,
so order whatever you fancy. Tonight's on me.
That's very sweet.
I've got vouchers. Vouchers?
See... last time I was down, I came here for dinner,
and I got shocking food poisoning.
I won't go into details in front of a lady,
but I reckon it was a dodgy chicken tikka.
You brought me to a restaurant that gave you food poisoning?
I didn't really have food poisoning, but they can't prove that.
(Laughs)
So Greg tells me your ex-husband up and left you, did the bolt.
Did he even say goodbye?
Food vouchers, straight to my personal history!
Um... (Chuckles nervously) Ah, yes, that did happen,
and, no, of course, he said goodbye. Yeah.
And he left you with a couple of tin lids, as they say?
Yet again, your information is correct. Two boys.
I've got a cricket ball signed by Doug Bollinger.
Your boys can have it. It's theirs. Oh, no. You don't need to.
No, no, no. It's fine. I won it.
You know those competitions
where you have to give the answer in 25 words or less?
I'm all over them. People actually enter those things?
That's just small fry.
I'm working on this one at the moment -
'Tell us why you deserve a trip to Hawaii.'
You wouldn't believe the prize for this one.
It's a trip to Hawaii? (Chuckles)
Ah, so do you like working at Thunder FM? Yeah.
Eventually, I'd like to produce news radio in New York or London,
but right now I'm here at Thunder FM.
OK, guys, let's get this party started
with some bubbles - here you go - from Ruby Angel Winery.
Get that on the Twattcam. You can't call it that.
And to break the ice, we've got some Ice Breakers
from Moo Moo's Iced Coffee.
Now available in supermarkets.
OK. Thanks, Twattsie. Twattcam out.
What do you do?
Do? Um... (Chuckles)
Well, I'm a single mum, so when I get a few moments to myself,
I like to pour myself a cup of tea, then forget to drink it.
But seriously...
Both the boys will be in school next year,
so I'll be able to concentrate on... a career.
And what's that?
Oh, it's... it's complicated, as they say.
Who says that? 'It's complicated?'
Um, it's an expression.
Is it, why?
It's something people say.
But... everything is something that people say.
Well, people write it in Facebook as a status update, so...
Life is only as complicated as you want it to be, I say.
That's very wise.
There you are, two lychee martinis.
And just to let you know, sir,
the vouchers don't cover drinks.
Bugger!
Why did you want to go on a set-up date for the radio?
I didn't!
But this is my job. Everyone has to take a few bullets.
OK, so why'd you pick me?
Are you kidding? One guy had cat food. You had pastries.
One woman had a moist lezometer.
You didn't have a lezometer at all, which was a plus.
You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
But that's the thing, because we don't normally do deliveries,
and I wasn't supposed to work this morning.
I never listen to your show. Why would you?
I just have this new philosophy
ever since I had a near-death experience.
You had a near-death experience? Yeah.
I was playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto. I was in way deep.
I'd barely moved for two weeks. Anyways...
..my cousin gave me a phone call, and he said something which...
..saved my life.
He said, 'Do you want to go to the boat show?'
I don't care about boats, but for some reason, I just said, 'Yeah.'
So your near-death experience was,
you almost died of boredom at a boat show?
Wow, that is life-changing.
On the way home, I got a call from the police.
They told me that a car had crashed into the front room of my house,
where I would normally have been sitting, playing Grand Theft Auto.
You see? I almost got hit by a stolen car
where I would have been sitting in my house, playing Grand Theft Auto.
The point is... now I say yes to everything.
So if I asked you to set fire to your pubes...
Can you not see there's microphones?
Great. That'll be on the promo - me saying 'pubes.'
I'm sorry - who comes to a restaurant and reads the newspaper all night?
Poor woman. I'm having a lovely time tonight.
Oh, I'm glad. When you opened the door tonight,
my heart skipped a few beats.
Oh, God. Graham, I'm flattered, but I'm not...
I have a girlfriend. What?
You... you have a girlfriend?
Unbelievable!
Does she know that you're using your vouchers on another woman?
It's all above-board. We're on a break.
Claire, that's her,
she's off finding herself somewhere in a caravan.
That's what the young ones do these days.
How young is she? Early 50s.
I just wish you'd told me before I fell in love with you.
It's important that we're both on the same page.
No, we're both on the same page.
I'm the page where I get set up with a 65-year-old man
and he doesn't want a relationship with me because he has a girlfriend.
What... what are you doing?
I love everything about you...
..your eyes... Huh?
..your hair, your dress, the way you say, 'It's complicated.'
Oh, dear God. Will you do me the honour
of becoming my bride?
What?!
This... this will cover the drinks for us.
Will you marry me?
Hurry up, my back's giving out.
Yes. Oh, yes.
Yes, I will. Wow.
(Applause)
Wow. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh. (Chuckles and sighs)
I'll get the ring back later. Cheers.
(Cheering and laughter)
Hi, George. I'm Gwen, Cynth's mum.
(Someone whistles)
They asked me to show you her first bra.
(Cheering, clapping)
Wardrobe change!
Of course I'll forgive you. We're family now.
Um, Graham just proposed to me, so now I'm Greg's mum.
OK, Jen, do you need me to come there now and get you?
Relax. He was just doing it for free drinks.
Oh, and he has a girlfriend.
Girlfriend? I know!
No, Graham doesn't have a girlfriend.
He was going out with this woman called Claire.
He was about to ask her to marry him.
He had the ring and everything.
Then about three years ago,
she fucked off with his best mate, Ken Duffy.
Really? Yeah.
In a caravan that Graham won in a magazine competition.
OK, Jen, should I come there now and pick you up?
# ROMANTIC SOFT ROCK
They told me to give you this.
I know.
This isn't real, George. You do know that, right?
None of this is real. Of course it's real.
Like, look, it's all happening right now.
They're recording us. They're filming. It's all being documented.
If we had kids and got married,
they'd be able to actually see our first date take place.
Hey, I didn't mean anything by the marriage thing, honestly.
No. No, it's...
I'd prefer to get divorced than get married.
Hey! Ciao, everybody!
It's a-me, Mario The Motor Mechanic. (Speaks indistinctly)
I think you've tightened these knots
just by wearing that dress, Cynthia, eh?
What do you say, ah? Oh, God.
Hey! Pasta fazool.
This is practically a return trip to Hawaii. Safe as houses.
Claire's always been trying to get me to take her there.
Graham...
I don't know what I want to do.
I married Dean when I was in my 20s,
and I hadn't figured any of that stuff out.
It was all gap years and working in hospitality.
He swept me off my feet, then he took care of everything.
I took care of all the things he couldn't take care of,
like the house and the kids.
Sounds like the perfect set-up.
Yeah, he did say goodbye.
He... he sent me a text message from the airport,
telling me that he was leaving us. What a prick!
I think I knew that he wasn't happy. I don't think I was.
We weren't really talking anymore
or having dinner together or caring about each other's days.
I thought that was a rough patch,
that that's what marriage is, that you work...
Anyway, so now I'm a single mum,
and I still haven't worked any of that stuff out.
I don't want to go back to waiting tables,
'cause now I'm not in my 20s anymore.
The way I see it,
mistakes only become regrets if you don't learn from them.
The smart goat only pisses on the electric fence once.
Oh, one other thing -
they're not going to cover the drinks.
But don't fret, I've got a Plan B.
What, pretending to be pregnant?
Have you ever done a runner?
OK, I have a special surprise a-guest for you.
As Mario puts another meatball in your calzone,
it's your ex-boyfriend, Darren! Hey, hey!
Oh, mama mia!
And thank you to our friends at Love All By Rafa.
Eh! So, tell us why, like my back hair,
things went down the plughole for you and a-Cynthia?
DARREN: You know, we wanted different things.
Oh, yeah! You wanted the rumpy-pumpy,
she want to buy the shoes, yeah?
Ah, no. I really wanted to have kids.
Oh, Cynthia, she's an independent woman.
No bambino, just a solero, eh?
No. Cynthia couldn't... She can't...
..medically speaking, have kids.
Hokay!
Mama mia!
Let's pack it up. Let's pack it up.
Look, sorry, guys,
but Imogen will kill me if we don't get a shot for the website.
Alright, let's get a safety. Twattsie, get in here.
Hey!
Alright, everyone in now. Come on, the whole crew. Quick, guys.
And one with Darren. Darren, just jump in there.
No. It'll only take a second.
No! I said no.
OK. Let's... let's wrap it up.
There is absolutely no reason for us to do this.
I'm going to go now. Pretend I'm having a smoke.
You have prop cigarettes on you. I'm going to leave my jacket here.
so it looks like I'm coming back.
I'll meet you at the phone box up the road.
Don't rush. Don't looked panicked. Bring my jacket.
We could get arrested!
Just going out for a smoke. (Chuckles) Filthy habit, eh?
Gives you cancer, you know.
Excuse me? I would like to fix up the drinks bill.
Oh, sure. I'll just... No.
When I go, could you please pretend to chase me?
The gentleman thinks he's done a runner?
Yeah.
Thanks.
So, we could go get some ice-cream.
With you? No. No, thanks.
You are obligation-free.
The date doesn't necessarily have to end now.
This is not a date, George, it's a joke.
On us, you see?
This is never going to work out, because they own us now.
They'll want to know what happens
on the second, third and fourth date.
On the fifth date, they'll make you propose to me on air,
then we'll get married in a Pizza Hut,
and I'll be forced to have Delta Goodrem as a bridesmaid.
Delta Goodrem. (Sniffles)
Um, I'm going to go.
You're a very attractive and nice man. Goodbye.
Excuse me, in case no-one else has said this,
you look really beautiful tonight.
Oh, thank you!
You deserve to know that, and you deserve to be spoken to
and acknowledged and not completely ignored.
Oh, it's OK. No, it's not OK,
to sit in a restaurant reading a newspaper
when the woman sitting opposite you has clearly made an effort,
probably runs the household and probably raised all the kids.
But that doesn't matter, does it, because some man in golf slacks
has apparently won a golf tournament against somebody.
I'd be happy to chase you out of the restaurant now, madam.
Um...
Come on, Jen! (Laughs)
(Laughs) Come back, scoundrels!
You've not paid and have run away.
How'd you find me?
We were just a few doors down, and you're wearing a ball gown.
And there's still some of Twattsie's Ice Breakers things
to Moo Moo's iced coffee that we have yet to get through.
I'm a boat show, aren't I?
Am I a boat show, just one of your yes experiences?
I came here to cheer you up.
Pepper-spray me. Yeah.
I'm serious - pepper-spray me in the face.
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard,
and I work on a show called Twattsie And The Pig. It will blind you.
(Snorts) It's not going to blind me.
We should Google it, eh?
(Toy squeaks, woman groans)
Hello? I have a gun.
It's a big... gun.
Hello?
Oh! (Laughs)
Jen!
Hi, Jen. Hi.
I was... I was just looking for...
my shoes. Shoes.
Yeah. Hello, son.
Bullshit!
What the fuck?!
H-hi. Graham's just been... Oh, thank you.
..helping me call a cab.
(Toy squeaks) Yep, Chloe's rubber ducky.
How about I spray it over there, and you run into it?
Come on, the quicker we do it, the sooner the burning sensation will...
Is this an SandM thing?
Hey, just come on, pretend I'm The Pig.
That's not going to work. (Squeals)
(Screams) Oh, my God!
Oh, fuck! Fucking fuck! I didn't mean to do it!
That was really bad. You asked me to do it!
Everyone here... I'm sorry! No, no, no. It really hurts.
It really hurts. Does it?
I better get free concert tickets now.
My God, I'm really sorry. It looks bad. Is it bad?
What do you need, beer? You can have as much beer as you like.
You were very brave just there. Did you know? I'm super impressed.
Ready for some more? No, no, no. That's not even funny.
You're going to be fine, Jen.
You're stronger than you think and smarter than you look.
You're a good man, Graham.
You certainly know your way around the back of a couch.
(Chuckles) Yes.
It was a good evening. Nice meal, good conversation.
Bit of a treat at the end.
That thing that you did! Ooh!
(Chuckles)
(Car horn) Oh, right...
Night.
And Graham, if...
..if Claire doesn't come back to you, that's her loss.
Oh. I nearly forgot.
Oh, thanks. Cheers, Jen.
OK.
Weddings. What?
Maybe I could become a wedding planner.
I'll give you a call next time I get married.
Night, Graham.
(Car engine starts)
# RADIO JINGLE
RADIO: The time is 7:45.
You're listening to Twattsie and The Pig on Thunder FM,
and look who's back from her first date.
We can't wait to follow this romance,
but first, let's find out how George and Cynthia's first date went.
Firstly, I'd like to say thank you to Love All By Rafa
and Ruby Angel Wines,
Jeannine's Formal Wear, Moo Moo's Iced Coffee.
George is a really great guy,
but as I said to him at the end of the night,
I don't think it's going to work out.
Ouch! How do you feel about that, Georgie?
Um, you know, she's got her reasons.
His eyes are red and he's been crying all night.
Aw! Adorable.
Thanks, Cynthia. I hope it goes well with the career and everything.
Thanks, yeah. You too.
Well, there he goes, Cynth, the one that got away.
Have you got that? Yeah.
OK, who's up for the first Sneaky Fart?
Twattsie, you up for it? Lower the mike!
Ha-ha! Yes!
Sorry, I was just going this way. It's a bit awkward.
I'm sure we can be adults about it. Yeah.
See you tonight.
Actually, just one more thing that's work-related.
GRAHAM: When people get caught in a storm
and find the strength to weather it,
they deserve to arrive on a beach to a lychee martini.
(Kids chatter)
Good?
Today would have been Kane and I's one-year anniversary.
Chris and I had a wondrous sexual life together.
It was passionate and intense and borderline disgusting.
OK, come on.
Maybe we could catch a movie?
Maybe. Do you think Tim would mind?
He had an erection. Denim sausage, right during the sex scene.
The House of Dracul requires a son and heir.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Please could everybody stop... (Yelling)
Captions by CSI Australia