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Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
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I almost died, Alan.
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But the important thing is
you didn't.
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Other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.
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At least you got Jake.
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I want to have a kid of my own.
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There's no way you're getting
a baby-- you're a single guy,
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and the system is really geared
towards married couples.
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Alan Harper,
will you marry me?
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I now pronounce you married.
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You may kiss.
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♪ Men. ♪
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Um, yes, this is Walden Schmidt.
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I'd like to order
a credit card for my husband,
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Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
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Uh, yeah, and, uh,
refresh my memory.
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What's the cash advance limit
on my black card?
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Holy new Rolex.
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Oh, oh, m-my mother's
maiden name?
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Uh, I didn't really know her
before she was married, so...
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Morning.
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Um, uh, I'll call back later.
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Charities.
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It's not like the kids won't
still be starving in an hour.
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Um...
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Hey, I was meaning
to ask you something.
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Um, what's your
mother's maiden name?
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This might be easier if I just
give you my online password.
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Oh.
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It's “Don't order
credit cards in my name.”
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Right, uh, all one word,
no spaces?
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Hey, there's
the newlyweds.
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I made you some
honeymoon pancakes.
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Aw...
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They're in the shapes
of hearts and arrows.
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Oh, actually,
they're asses and...
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Uh, sure--
hearts and arrows.
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(laughs)
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Alan, my arrow's twice
as big as yours.
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Mine's life-size.
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I'm still gonna be hungry.
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I just realized,
Walden,
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that I worked for you
when you were single.
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And now you're married.
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Maybe someday I'll be working
for you when you're a widower.
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Bacon, Zippy?
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So, how's the adoption
process going?
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Is somebody other than Alan
calling you “Daddy”?
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It's going great.
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We have a meeting with
the social services department
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this week.
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Nice.
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So, if you do get a kid,
which room is he gonna live in?
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Oh, guys, I'm kind of
a drunken slut,
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I don't think I should
share a room with a baby.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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♪ Two and a Half Men 12x03 ♪
Glamping in a Yurt
Original Air Date on November
59
00:02:31,730 --> 00:02:34,730
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
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Hey, what ya doing?
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Oh, paperwork for our meeting
with the social worker.
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Um, household
net worth.
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Well, let's see, uh, you're
worth a billion dollars,
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so together we are worth...
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A little bit less than
a billion dollars.
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Hey, so Evelyn said it's cool
if I crash at her place.
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What, wait--
it was that easy?
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My mom never
lets me stay there.
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Yeah, she's gonna let me live
in the guest house.
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There's a guest house?!
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If-if you need, uh, help
moving, let us know.
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00:03:03,585 --> 00:03:05,651
Thanks, but Evelyn said
I could borrow the Range Rover.
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There's a Range Rover?!
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Oh, hey, uh, what should
I put down for, uh...
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“Why do you want
to adopt a child”"
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Hmm.
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'Cause we're dudes,
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and we don't have
baby holes?
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(laughing)
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You know you have
to sell yourself
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as a real couple, right?
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We are a real couple.
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That's why we got married
in the first place.
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Yeah, it also gave us the chance
to register at Crate & Barrel
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for this fabulous stemware.
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(chimes)
Ding.
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See, you're making jokes instead
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of expressing real emotion.
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You're gonna have to prove that
you're a real couple, you know?
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That you're in love,
that you're soul mates,
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that you can't survive
without the other.
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I actually can't survive
without him.
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I am just saying,
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I don't want to see you
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put all this work in and not get
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the payoff you deserve.
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It's like when you get
“the tap.”
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Get the what?
The tap.
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You know, when you're
in bed with a girl,
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and you've been
down there for a while,
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and suddenly she gives you
the old “Thanks for trying” tap
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on the top of the head.
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Ah...
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Oh, yeah, the tap, yeah.
106
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I hate the tap.
Mm.
107
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You know, I am sure
that we can be believable
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as a loving couple.
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You want to see believable?
This... (stammers)
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Watch.
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Alan,
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(laughing)
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I'm sorry.
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You have this one nose hair
that keeps going in and out.
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Oh.
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And I laughed because
no one could possibly love me.
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♪ Men. ♪
118
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Guess what I just finished.
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Once again,
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you don't have to tell me
every time you masturbate.
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I will not apologize
for sharing my day with you.
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But that is not this.
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It is my essay describing
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what I love about
my love about my spouse,
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00:04:54,011 --> 00:04:55,857
for our meeting
with the social worker.
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00:04:55,881 --> 00:04:57,389
Good. I'm so nervous
about this meeting
127
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I'm somehow constipated and
wracked with explosive diarrhea.
128
00:05:02,095 --> 00:05:04,863
You're not the only one
who can share his day.
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Well, after she reads this,
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there's no way she won't
believe we're a couple.
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Okay, uh, “Walden is the most
caring person I know.
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He always puts my needs
before his own.”
133
00:05:16,209 --> 00:05:17,542
Uh, “Whether it's surprising me
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00:05:17,544 --> 00:05:19,844
“with an espresso and a
chocolate croissant in bed,
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“glamping in a yurt
at Big Sur,
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00:05:21,815 --> 00:05:24,315
“or sneaking up behind me
in the shower with a loofah
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to exfoliate those hard-to-reach
places...”
138
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“...he's my everything--
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00:05:29,689 --> 00:05:33,191
my husband, my lover,
my friend.”
140
00:05:34,661 --> 00:05:36,527
“My Wally Bear.”
141
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My God.
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I know.
143
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Now read me yours.
144
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Okay, um...
145
00:05:48,108 --> 00:05:50,708
“Alan is my best friend.”
146
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Loving it!
147
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“He's 47 years old.
148
00:05:58,818 --> 00:06:01,085
“He used to be a chiropractor.
149
00:06:01,087 --> 00:06:04,088
“He has never been
convicted of a felony.
150
00:06:05,292 --> 00:06:08,593
And his favorite meal
is swordfish.”
151
00:06:10,730 --> 00:06:13,264
Are you kidding me?
152
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That's what you love about me?
153
00:06:14,634 --> 00:06:16,334
That I've never
been convicted of a felony?
154
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I told you it's
a work in progress.
155
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What do you want me to say?
156
00:06:19,606 --> 00:06:22,407
He masturbates
with impressive frequency?
157
00:06:22,409 --> 00:06:24,943
At least that would show
you're paying attention.
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00:06:24,945 --> 00:06:26,711
(doorbell rings)
And, by the way--
159
00:06:26,713 --> 00:06:30,048
my favorite meal
is red snapper.
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00:06:34,521 --> 00:06:35,753
Hi, Alan.
161
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Walden.
162
00:06:36,890 --> 00:06:39,724
Lyndsey, what's, uh,
what's going on?
163
00:06:39,726 --> 00:06:40,992
I-I thought you were
in rehab.
164
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I was, I-I got out
a couple days ago.
165
00:06:43,296 --> 00:06:45,163
Oh, well, that's great.
C-Come on it.
166
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How'd it go?
167
00:06:48,430 --> 00:06:50,970
It was the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.
168
00:06:50,971 --> 00:06:52,270
But-but on the plus side,
169
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it was right up the
street here in Malibu,
170
00:06:54,174 --> 00:06:56,641
so ocean views,
spa, chef,
171
00:06:56,643 --> 00:06:58,076
it was like
a five-star hotel.
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00:06:58,078 --> 00:07:01,679
Except they take
your shoelaces.
173
00:07:01,681 --> 00:07:04,849
Well, I'm sure you two have
a lot to talk about.
174
00:07:04,851 --> 00:07:06,918
So, I'm just gonna go
in the kitchen
175
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,453
and pretend I'm not listening.
176
00:07:10,423 --> 00:07:14,392
Um, so, Lyndsey,
I-I'm so proud of you.
177
00:07:14,394 --> 00:07:15,960
Uh, how are you doing?
178
00:07:15,962 --> 00:07:17,161
I'm good.
179
00:07:17,163 --> 00:07:19,230
Um, I-I just got my 60-day chip.
Oh.
180
00:07:19,232 --> 00:07:22,567
And part of my recovery
is to make amends
181
00:07:22,569 --> 00:07:23,768
to the people I've hurt.
182
00:07:23,770 --> 00:07:25,203
So,
183
00:07:25,205 --> 00:07:28,306
I apologize for everything I did
to you while I was drinking.
184
00:07:28,308 --> 00:07:30,541
Oh, well, I appreciate that, um,
185
00:07:30,543 --> 00:07:32,543
but some of the things
you did to me,
186
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you don't have to apologize for.
187
00:07:35,115 --> 00:07:37,348
I mean, we had sex
in a Chipotle.
188
00:07:39,085 --> 00:07:43,021
I ate my burrito,
you ate my burrito.
189
00:07:44,758 --> 00:07:46,791
I ate your taco.
190
00:07:46,793 --> 00:07:49,594
And I later threw up
in your car.
191
00:07:49,596 --> 00:07:53,464
Yes, uh, but chunks weren't the
only thing you blew that day.
192
00:07:56,803 --> 00:08:00,571
Um, there is one other thing.
193
00:08:00,573 --> 00:08:04,042
If-if I haven't burned
too many bridges,
194
00:08:04,044 --> 00:08:07,678
I was wondering if maybe you
and I could give it another try.
195
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:08,746
Oh, wow.
196
00:08:08,748 --> 00:08:09,847
Wow, that-that
is flattering.
197
00:08:09,849 --> 00:08:10,782
Um, it's just...
198
00:08:10,784 --> 00:08:12,483
(sighs)
You're seeing somebody else.
199
00:08:12,485 --> 00:08:16,487
Uh, kind of, um...
200
00:08:16,489 --> 00:08:18,022
Uh, uh, I'm...
201
00:08:18,024 --> 00:08:19,991
You're married?!
202
00:08:20,894 --> 00:08:22,126
That doesn't make any sense.
203
00:08:22,128 --> 00:08:23,194
Who is she?
204
00:08:23,196 --> 00:08:26,130
Uh...
205
00:08:26,132 --> 00:08:29,333
Uh, she is-is
actually, uh, a “he”"
206
00:08:29,335 --> 00:08:30,768
Um...
207
00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:32,503
It's... it's Walden.
208
00:08:32,505 --> 00:08:35,073
Oh, my God.
209
00:08:35,975 --> 00:08:38,376
Walden's gay?!
210
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,814
♪ Men. ♪
211
00:08:42,816 --> 00:08:44,949
So, I guess what
I'm interested in is
212
00:08:44,951 --> 00:08:46,417
how you two got together.
213
00:08:46,419 --> 00:08:48,719
Uh, well, w-we met
at the dog park.
214
00:08:48,721 --> 00:08:51,689
His Labradoodle
sniffed my shih tzu.
215
00:08:52,725 --> 00:08:55,026
I remember when I proposed.
216
00:08:55,028 --> 00:08:56,928
I-I got down on one knee,
217
00:08:56,930 --> 00:08:59,097
and I looked up
into his beautiful...
218
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:02,567
...blue eyes,
219
00:09:02,569 --> 00:09:04,735
and I asked him to share
his life with me.
220
00:09:04,737 --> 00:09:06,971
I guess what
I'm getting at is the fact
221
00:09:06,973 --> 00:09:09,240
that you've both been
married to women before.
222
00:09:09,242 --> 00:09:11,075
So, when did you realize
you were gay?
223
00:09:11,077 --> 00:09:15,813
Oh, well, on some level,
I've always known. Um...
224
00:09:16,783 --> 00:09:19,350
I mean, throughout, uh,
both of my marriages,
225
00:09:19,352 --> 00:09:21,185
I was in complete denial.
226
00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:22,420
Um, but after I met Walden,
227
00:09:22,422 --> 00:09:25,089
I finally felt safe
to-to be myself.
228
00:09:25,091 --> 00:09:26,724
Uh, I remember
our first date.
229
00:09:26,726 --> 00:09:28,693
Uh, we went to the Bowl to
see the Grease sing-along.
230
00:09:28,695 --> 00:09:30,528
Ah, “Tell me more,
tell me more.”
231
00:09:30,530 --> 00:09:32,964
Well, uh, Walden was
dressed as Danny Zuko,
232
00:09:32,966 --> 00:09:34,031
uh, and I was Sandy--
233
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:35,700
uh, hot Sandy, you
know, in the leather.
234
00:09:35,702 --> 00:09:37,301
No, no, no, I was doing
the song, you know--
235
00:09:37,303 --> 00:09:38,736
♪ Tell me more,
tell me more... ♪
236
00:09:38,738 --> 00:09:41,172
Oh, my God!
237
00:09:41,174 --> 00:09:42,673
Did I miss a show tune cue?!
238
00:09:42,675 --> 00:09:43,741
(laughs)
239
00:09:43,743 --> 00:09:46,244
Somebody take away my gay card.
240
00:09:47,947 --> 00:09:49,914
And how about you, Walden?
241
00:09:49,916 --> 00:09:51,249
When did you know you were gay?
242
00:09:51,251 --> 00:09:54,919
I guess my first clue was
when I saw Basic Instinct.
243
00:09:56,022 --> 00:09:58,122
All my friends were looking up
Sharon Stone's skirt,
244
00:09:58,124 --> 00:10:00,358
and I was just looking
at her shoes.
245
00:10:01,661 --> 00:10:04,862
And I guess I got married
because of social pressures,
246
00:10:04,864 --> 00:10:08,099
but, eventually,
I had to be true to who I am.
247
00:10:08,101 --> 00:10:09,600
And I've never
looked back since.
248
00:10:09,602 --> 00:10:11,636
Unless I'm behind him.
249
00:10:11,638 --> 00:10:14,605
(both laughing nervously)
250
00:10:16,342 --> 00:10:18,543
(laughing nervously):
That's a good one.
251
00:10:18,545 --> 00:10:19,744
Ah...
252
00:10:19,746 --> 00:10:23,080
You two are
an interesting couple.
253
00:10:23,082 --> 00:10:24,949
Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,
254
00:10:24,951 --> 00:10:26,284
but you two are
different somehow.
255
00:10:26,286 --> 00:10:27,518
I'm not sure what it is.
256
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,020
Well, uh, maybe it's the fact
257
00:10:29,022 --> 00:10:32,223
that I-I look like I'm wearing
makeup, but I'm not.
258
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:37,028
Y-You know, we may not be
like other couples, but...
259
00:10:37,030 --> 00:10:38,829
I know we can be
good parents.
260
00:10:38,831 --> 00:10:40,565
I get that, but it is my job
261
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,900
to be a hundred percent sure
before I place a child.
262
00:10:42,902 --> 00:10:44,335
No, n-no,
look, look...
263
00:10:44,337 --> 00:10:47,805
I-I know we can provide
unconditional love to a child,
264
00:10:47,807 --> 00:10:52,476
a-and w-we can create a safe,
secure environment, and...
265
00:10:53,446 --> 00:10:55,713
What do people
that get kids say?
266
00:10:56,583 --> 00:10:57,515
How about this--
267
00:10:57,517 --> 00:10:59,016
how about I come out
to your house?
268
00:10:59,018 --> 00:11:00,384
We normally do
a site visit anyway.
269
00:11:00,386 --> 00:11:02,420
This way I could get to know
you guys a little better.
270
00:11:02,422 --> 00:11:04,288
Yeah, great, yeah,
why don't you come on over,
271
00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:07,658
and you'll see that we're
j-just a normal loving couple.
272
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:08,593
Right, sweetie?
273
00:11:08,595 --> 00:11:10,795
That-that's right,
Wally Bear.
274
00:11:10,797 --> 00:11:12,330
I love this guy.
275
00:11:16,236 --> 00:11:18,402
♪ Men. ♪
276
00:11:22,698 --> 00:11:24,831
♪ Men. ♪
277
00:11:24,833 --> 00:11:25,969
Hey.
278
00:11:25,970 --> 00:11:27,796
Oh, flowers.
Nice touch.
279
00:11:27,797 --> 00:11:29,464
Gives the house a homey feel.
280
00:11:29,466 --> 00:11:31,099
They're for you.
281
00:11:31,101 --> 00:11:32,767
Really?
282
00:11:32,769 --> 00:11:35,136
I'm, uh, actually a lily man.
283
00:11:35,138 --> 00:11:36,905
Uh, but they're very nice.
284
00:11:36,907 --> 00:11:38,139
Alan, listen.
285
00:11:38,141 --> 00:11:39,274
Jenny was right.
286
00:11:39,276 --> 00:11:41,476
We are not believable
as a loving couple,
287
00:11:41,478 --> 00:11:44,012
and I think that's why Miss
McMartin wasn't sure about us.
288
00:11:44,014 --> 00:11:45,847
Now, this has
to be real.
289
00:11:45,849 --> 00:11:47,081
And that includes--
290
00:11:47,083 --> 00:11:49,584
being comfortable with
physical affection.
291
00:11:49,586 --> 00:11:51,786
Like this.
292
00:11:54,457 --> 00:11:55,657
Come on.
293
00:11:55,659 --> 00:11:56,891
Loosen up.
294
00:11:56,893 --> 00:12:00,261
I-I'm loose, it just feels
a little forced, that's all.
295
00:12:00,263 --> 00:12:02,597
Okay, well, let
it be natural.
296
00:12:02,599 --> 00:12:04,866
Just snuggle into
these broad shoulders.
297
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,807
I do feel safe.
298
00:12:12,809 --> 00:12:15,043
Damn right, you do.
299
00:12:15,045 --> 00:12:17,312
You're with
your Wally Bear.
300
00:12:19,049 --> 00:12:21,649
Now, look
into my eyes.
301
00:12:21,651 --> 00:12:22,951
Like this?
302
00:12:22,953 --> 00:12:23,985
Yeah, exactly.
303
00:12:23,987 --> 00:12:25,853
And don't look away.
304
00:12:29,125 --> 00:12:30,925
We love each other.
305
00:12:30,927 --> 00:12:32,293
You're at home.
306
00:12:33,463 --> 00:12:37,098
Oh, I just noticed a little
green fleck in your right eye.
307
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:38,933
It's like a-a downy
patch of moss
308
00:12:38,935 --> 00:12:41,269
on the trunk
of a majestic oak.
309
00:12:41,271 --> 00:12:43,938
(whispering):
Thank you.
310
00:12:45,742 --> 00:12:48,543
Sometimes I worry that I'm not
good-looking enough for you.
311
00:12:48,545 --> 00:12:50,745
Come on.
312
00:12:50,747 --> 00:12:52,413
You're perfect just
the way you are.
313
00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:55,049
My Alley Cat.
314
00:12:56,419 --> 00:12:58,086
A nickname.
315
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:01,556
Sometimes...
316
00:13:01,558 --> 00:13:04,959
I worry that you don't know
how much you mean to me.
317
00:13:04,961 --> 00:13:08,196
I want to be
your everything.
318
00:13:22,078 --> 00:13:25,079
All right, yeah!
319
00:13:25,081 --> 00:13:27,115
That was convincing.
320
00:13:27,117 --> 00:13:28,816
We do that in front
of Miss McMartin,
321
00:13:28,818 --> 00:13:30,852
we'll get ten babies.
322
00:13:30,854 --> 00:13:31,986
Yeah, yeah.
323
00:13:31,988 --> 00:13:35,423
That was good enough
to fool just about anyone.
324
00:13:35,425 --> 00:13:37,091
(chuckles nervously)
325
00:13:37,093 --> 00:13:38,960
(sighs)
326
00:13:38,962 --> 00:13:41,429
♪ Men. ♪
327
00:13:41,431 --> 00:13:43,665
So, this is
our kitchen.
328
00:13:43,667 --> 00:13:45,066
We love to
cook together.
329
00:13:45,068 --> 00:13:46,567
Uh, correction,
I love to cook,
330
00:13:46,569 --> 00:13:48,169
he loves to eat.
331
00:13:48,171 --> 00:13:51,272
See? This is what
I wanted to see.
332
00:13:51,274 --> 00:13:53,041
The two of you just
being yourselves.
333
00:13:53,043 --> 00:13:54,008
Happy, relaxed.
334
00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:55,943
(doorbell rings)
Oh, I'll get that.
335
00:13:55,945 --> 00:13:57,945
If you really want
to see us relaxed
336
00:13:57,947 --> 00:13:59,681
you should come by
for brunch someday.
337
00:13:59,683 --> 00:14:02,383
The Mary's are bloody
and the Lorraine's are quiche.
338
00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:05,119
Oh, I can see why
you fell in love with him.
339
00:14:05,121 --> 00:14:07,488
Really?
340
00:14:07,490 --> 00:14:10,224
What did you see exactly?
341
00:14:11,561 --> 00:14:13,695
Alan!
342
00:14:13,697 --> 00:14:15,630
Lyndsey?
343
00:14:15,632 --> 00:14:16,931
Um, have you
been drinking?
344
00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:20,501
Uh, ding-ding-ding,
we have a wiener...
345
00:14:20,503 --> 00:14:21,903
Whoa, whoa,
okay, okay, shh!
346
00:14:21,905 --> 00:14:23,137
W-What are you
doing here?
347
00:14:23,139 --> 00:14:25,673
Well, you said
you and Walden
348
00:14:25,675 --> 00:14:27,542
are just getting married
to get a kid.
349
00:14:27,544 --> 00:14:30,878
So, there's no reason you can't
have sex with me on the side.
350
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,680
You know, the “DL.”
351
00:14:32,682 --> 00:14:35,550
That means “Do Lyndsey.”
352
00:14:35,552 --> 00:14:38,453
Okay, okay, okay, this
is not a good time.
353
00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:39,954
Uh, the-the social
worker's here.
354
00:14:39,956 --> 00:14:41,189
Oh, that's great!
355
00:14:41,191 --> 00:14:42,790
I can help you guys.
356
00:14:42,792 --> 00:14:45,093
I can tell her that
you'll be good parents.
357
00:14:45,095 --> 00:14:47,261
And I know because
I'm a g... Oh.
358
00:14:48,765 --> 00:14:50,832
...mother.
359
00:14:50,834 --> 00:14:52,934
Okay, um...
360
00:14:52,936 --> 00:14:55,470
maybe-maybe we should go
to my room a-and talk.
361
00:14:55,472 --> 00:14:59,474
I won't be able to talk much,
'cause my mouth will be full.
362
00:14:59,476 --> 00:15:00,541
Wink, wink.
363
00:15:00,543 --> 00:15:03,411
(giggles)
Hopefully with breath mints.
364
00:15:04,547 --> 00:15:07,648
You wait in here and I will
call a cab to take you home.
365
00:15:07,650 --> 00:15:11,452
My home is in your pants.
366
00:15:11,454 --> 00:15:13,988
What happened? Why did
you start drinking again?
367
00:15:13,990 --> 00:15:15,857
Well, 'cause you married Walden.
368
00:15:15,859 --> 00:15:18,459
The only person in your life
who's prettier than me.
369
00:15:18,461 --> 00:15:20,695
But you know we're just
doing that to get a kid.
370
00:15:20,697 --> 00:15:23,364
Yeah, but if I wasn't
so screwed up last year,
371
00:15:23,366 --> 00:15:24,932
then we would still be together.
372
00:15:24,934 --> 00:15:27,201
Then we could get married
and have a baby. (gasps)
373
00:15:27,203 --> 00:15:29,070
We could sell that baby
to Walden.
374
00:15:29,072 --> 00:15:31,005
'Cause let's face it,
375
00:15:31,007 --> 00:15:32,940
we don't want to raise
another kid,
376
00:15:32,942 --> 00:15:34,776
'cause both our kids suck.
377
00:15:34,778 --> 00:15:37,412
Okay, uh, refreshing,
drunk honesty aside,
378
00:15:37,414 --> 00:15:38,679
um, d-don't blame yourself.
379
00:15:38,681 --> 00:15:40,114
We all made mistakes.
380
00:15:40,116 --> 00:15:42,617
But we shouldn't let those
mistakes ruin things for Walden.
381
00:15:42,619 --> 00:15:44,552
Shh. You talk too much.
382
00:15:44,554 --> 00:15:46,354
Let's party.
383
00:15:49,392 --> 00:15:51,626
Lyndsey? Lyndsey?
384
00:15:51,628 --> 00:15:53,761
(groans)
385
00:15:53,763 --> 00:15:56,864
Wow, a half-naked drunk girl
is in my bed and I'm leaving.
386
00:15:56,866 --> 00:15:58,533
Maybe I am gay.
387
00:15:59,669 --> 00:16:02,236
I like to imagine the
family gathered here,
388
00:16:02,238 --> 00:16:04,705
eating an all-organic,
gluten-free meal
389
00:16:04,707 --> 00:16:07,308
of quinoa salad
and kale chips
390
00:16:07,310 --> 00:16:09,710
while watching the
original reality TV:
391
00:16:09,712 --> 00:16:12,180
a beautiful
ocean sunset.
392
00:16:12,182 --> 00:16:14,782
As long as this is a stable
environment for a child,
393
00:16:14,784 --> 00:16:16,684
I don't care
if you're eating Hot Pockets
394
00:16:16,686 --> 00:16:18,719
and watching Honey Boo Boo.
395
00:16:18,721 --> 00:16:21,789
Uh, uh, Wally Bear, uh, can
I borrow you for a minute?
396
00:16:21,791 --> 00:16:24,392
Is it an emergency,
Alley Cat?
397
00:16:24,394 --> 00:16:28,429
Uh, it's more of a-a pickle, uh,
that needs immediate attention.
398
00:16:30,266 --> 00:16:31,799
Oh, it's okay. Go.
399
00:16:31,801 --> 00:16:34,469
Yeah, I would never come between
a man and his husband's pickle.
400
00:16:36,739 --> 00:16:39,273
Lyndsey's here.
She's drunk.
401
00:16:39,275 --> 00:16:40,408
Why?
402
00:16:40,410 --> 00:16:41,742
She wants to have sex with me.
403
00:16:41,744 --> 00:16:43,644
Why?
404
00:16:43,646 --> 00:16:44,879
Wait... Where is she?
405
00:16:44,881 --> 00:16:46,314
She's passed out in my room.
406
00:16:46,316 --> 00:16:48,249
Okay, okay, we-we need
to get Ms. McMartin
407
00:16:48,251 --> 00:16:49,851
out of here as fast as we can.
408
00:16:49,853 --> 00:16:51,719
Right, right. Oh, um,
by the way, when Lyndsey
409
00:16:51,721 --> 00:16:53,354
tried to kiss me,
I was totally into it.
410
00:16:53,356 --> 00:16:54,455
I don't know why I was worried.
411
00:16:54,457 --> 00:16:56,190
Worried about what?
412
00:16:56,192 --> 00:16:58,059
Nothing. Let's get her
out of here.
413
00:16:59,362 --> 00:17:00,728
Mm. Everything okay?
414
00:17:00,730 --> 00:17:03,531
Yes, we just had to reset the...
The, um...
415
00:17:03,533 --> 00:17:04,832
(mumbles): ...flaven
on the stave.
416
00:17:04,834 --> 00:17:06,601
But, uh, everything's
417
00:17:06,603 --> 00:17:09,036
okay now. Uh, c-can
I get you anything?
418
00:17:09,038 --> 00:17:10,705
Like directions for
your drive home, or...
419
00:17:10,707 --> 00:17:12,507
You know, I actually
do have to get going.
420
00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:14,242
I did not realize it was this late.
What?
421
00:17:14,244 --> 00:17:15,977
No.
Oh.
422
00:17:15,979 --> 00:17:18,379
I'm so disappointed.
Oh.
423
00:17:18,381 --> 00:17:20,448
I'll just get your things
and walk you out.
424
00:17:20,450 --> 00:17:22,717
Oh. There we go.
(chuckles)
425
00:17:22,719 --> 00:17:24,719
I got to say,
you look at that view
426
00:17:24,721 --> 00:17:25,920
and you never want to leave.
427
00:17:25,922 --> 00:17:27,855
And yet you must.
428
00:17:27,857 --> 00:17:29,524
Unless you want to adopt me.
429
00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:32,260
(chuckles) You're so funny.
Here's your jacket.
430
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:35,696
WALDEN:
Oh, my God.
431
00:17:35,698 --> 00:17:37,632
What?
Uh...
432
00:17:37,634 --> 00:17:39,467
This jacket,
it's-it's fantastic.
433
00:17:39,469 --> 00:17:42,036
What is this, wool?
I think so, yeah.
434
00:17:42,038 --> 00:17:44,138
Really? Because I... I would've
thought it was linen.
435
00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:45,873
Doesn't it feel
“linen-sy”, Alan?
436
00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:47,341
No, it's
definitely wool.
437
00:17:48,778 --> 00:17:50,645
Holy crap.
What?
438
00:17:50,647 --> 00:17:52,847
Uh... I forgot to
flip the cushions
439
00:17:52,849 --> 00:17:54,015
on the deck
furniture.
440
00:17:54,017 --> 00:17:55,283
Imagine the
mildew.
441
00:17:55,285 --> 00:17:57,485
Alan.
442
00:17:57,487 --> 00:17:59,687
Milady.
443
00:18:02,592 --> 00:18:04,659
Here we go,
almost got it.
444
00:18:04,661 --> 00:18:06,160
If you could
just stay still...
445
00:18:06,162 --> 00:18:07,595
Yeah... Oh.
446
00:18:09,799 --> 00:18:12,500
Uh, all right, that's it.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
447
00:18:12,502 --> 00:18:14,468
Actually, it was a lot harder
than it needed to be, but...
448
00:18:14,470 --> 00:18:16,837
That's what he said.
(both chuckle)
449
00:18:16,839 --> 00:18:18,906
Uh, well...
Oh, your purse.
450
00:18:18,908 --> 00:18:20,575
Well, thank you, guys.
451
00:18:20,577 --> 00:18:22,076
Uh, you'll be hearing
from me soon.
452
00:18:22,078 --> 00:18:23,911
Got it. Bye.
453
00:18:26,549 --> 00:18:27,748
Oh, my God.
454
00:18:27,750 --> 00:18:29,150
Is Lyndsey okay?
455
00:18:29,152 --> 00:18:30,885
Oh, sure. She's practically
indestructible when she's drunk.
456
00:18:30,887 --> 00:18:32,787
I've seen her fall down
a flight of stairs
457
00:18:32,789 --> 00:18:34,255
and not spill her mojito.
458
00:18:34,257 --> 00:18:35,623
(knocking)
459
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:39,860
I'm so sorry,
I forgot my phone.
460
00:18:39,862 --> 00:18:41,622
Oh. Here it is, right
here on the table. Hey.
461
00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:42,464
Oh, hey. Ho!
462
00:18:42,465 --> 00:18:44,098
(laughs) Got it. And
get the hell out of here.
463
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:47,435
Oh, one last thing. Um, I'm not
supposed to say anything,
464
00:18:47,437 --> 00:18:49,470
but unless something
crazy happens,
465
00:18:49,472 --> 00:18:50,938
you're gonna get approved.
466
00:18:51,608 --> 00:18:52,640
Seriously?
467
00:18:52,642 --> 00:18:53,908
Get out of here.
468
00:18:53,910 --> 00:18:55,109
Seriously.
469
00:18:55,111 --> 00:18:58,079
I'm here to help
with the baby.
470
00:18:58,081 --> 00:18:59,113
Seriously?
471
00:18:59,115 --> 00:19:00,314
Who is this?
472
00:19:00,316 --> 00:19:01,616
Uh, uh, she is...
473
00:19:01,618 --> 00:19:04,485
Oh, you know what,
this happens all the time.
474
00:19:04,487 --> 00:19:06,354
Tourists get an out-of-date
map to celebrity homes.
475
00:19:06,356 --> 00:19:10,825
Honey, Charlie Sheen
doesn't live here anymore.
476
00:19:10,827 --> 00:19:13,227
JENNY:
Lyndsey?
477
00:19:13,229 --> 00:19:14,695
Hi.
478
00:19:14,697 --> 00:19:15,830
And who is this?
479
00:19:15,832 --> 00:19:18,299
I fell down
in the sand.
480
00:19:18,301 --> 00:19:19,800
This is...
481
00:19:19,802 --> 00:19:22,136
I'm the next-door
neighbor. Hi.
482
00:19:22,138 --> 00:19:23,404
Uh, we were having
a get-together
483
00:19:23,406 --> 00:19:24,739
and this one got away.
484
00:19:24,741 --> 00:19:26,307
Our next-door neighbor.
That... Oh, that's right,
485
00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:27,375
I remember you
486
00:19:27,377 --> 00:19:29,243
from the Fourth of
July block party.
487
00:19:29,245 --> 00:19:31,779
Yeah... Oh, which, by the way,
is amazing for kids.
488
00:19:31,781 --> 00:19:33,314
A waterslide,
shaved ice.
489
00:19:33,316 --> 00:19:35,850
My waterslide's
shaved.
490
00:19:35,852 --> 00:19:38,386
Okay, time to go home.
491
00:19:38,388 --> 00:19:39,720
And, um, you know what?
492
00:19:39,722 --> 00:19:41,956
These guys are great.
Ask anyone on our block.
493
00:19:41,958 --> 00:19:43,658
We're all pulling for them
to get a kid.
494
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:45,493
Thank you.
You're very sweet.
495
00:19:45,495 --> 00:19:46,994
Okay, here we go.
496
00:19:46,996 --> 00:19:48,329
No, where are you
taking me?
497
00:19:48,331 --> 00:19:49,463
To get a drink.
498
00:19:49,465 --> 00:19:51,232
Aw, you're
my best friend.
499
00:19:52,635 --> 00:19:55,069
Boy. Glad I never
gave her a baby.
500
00:19:55,071 --> 00:19:57,204
You and me both.
501
00:19:57,206 --> 00:19:59,273
♪ Men. ♪
502
00:20:04,554 --> 00:20:05,749
♪ Men. ♪
503
00:20:05,773 --> 00:20:07,748
Hey.
Alan,
504
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,415
what is the one thing
505
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:11,150
you've never gotten
from your mother?
506
00:20:11,152 --> 00:20:13,452
Uh, let's see, uh,
love, respect,
507
00:20:13,454 --> 00:20:15,921
a home-cooked meal,
breast milk, um...
508
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:18,758
Okay, this is gonna
take too long.
509
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:19,992
Approval.
510
00:20:19,994 --> 00:20:21,661
Wait, are-are you
trying to tell me
511
00:20:21,663 --> 00:20:23,262
Ms. McMartin
approved us to adopt?
512
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,031
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
513
00:20:25,033 --> 00:20:26,165
Oh, my God,
that's great.
514
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:28,000
(laughs)
I am really happy for you.
515
00:20:28,002 --> 00:20:30,336
Thank you. I-I couldn't
have done this without you.
516
00:20:30,338 --> 00:20:33,339
And so, to say thank you,
I got you a little something.
517
00:20:33,341 --> 00:20:35,741
Oh, you didn't have to.
518
00:20:35,743 --> 00:20:37,043
Oh, my God.
519
00:20:37,045 --> 00:20:39,645
Tickets to the Grease
sing-along at the Bowl.
520
00:20:39,647 --> 00:20:40,780
You can take anyone you want.
521
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,415
♪ You're the one that I want ♪
Aw!
522
00:20:42,417 --> 00:20:45,718
♪ You are the one I want,
ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
523
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,653
Fine.
524
00:20:47,655 --> 00:20:50,489
♪ We'll go together
like... ♪ (laughs)
525
00:20:50,491 --> 00:20:52,051
Oh, my God, I'm turning
into my husband.
526
00:20:53,600 --> 00:21:00,100
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man