1 00:00:00,499 --> 00:00:03,366 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:07,229 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,264 --> 00:00:10,799 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:13,802 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,837 --> 00:00:17,305 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,341 --> 00:00:20,609 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,644 --> 00:00:22,177 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,212 --> 00:00:23,545 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:25,096 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:25,097 --> 00:00:29,097 ♪ Family Guy 13x054 ♪ Turkey Guys Original Air Date on November 16, 2014 11 00:00:29,098 --> 00:00:33,098 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 12 00:00:33,123 --> 00:00:34,556 Live from New York City, 13 00:00:34,591 --> 00:00:37,692 it's the JCPenney Thanksgiving Day Parade. 14 00:00:37,728 --> 00:00:39,294 The JCPenney parade? 15 00:00:39,329 --> 00:00:40,962 Yeah, it's like the Macy's parade, 16 00:00:40,998 --> 00:00:43,231 only without licensed characters. 17 00:00:43,267 --> 00:00:46,234 With the popular balloons we all know and love-- 18 00:00:46,270 --> 00:00:47,602 Mickey Rabbit, 19 00:00:47,638 --> 00:00:48,937 Sponge Cow, 20 00:00:48,972 --> 00:00:51,907 and Clifton the Small Blue Dog. 21 00:00:51,942 --> 00:00:54,776 Peter, get in here! 22 00:00:54,811 --> 00:00:56,378 You want to tell me what the hell happened 23 00:00:56,413 --> 00:00:57,913 to our Thanksgiving turkey? 24 00:00:57,948 --> 00:00:59,314 Oh, that. 25 00:00:59,349 --> 00:01:01,183 Uh, well, last night, Brian and I 26 00:01:01,218 --> 00:01:02,817 got drunk and ate the turkey. 27 00:01:02,853 --> 00:01:06,087 But before you get mad, we also ate the salad. 28 00:01:06,123 --> 00:01:07,756 Damn it, how could you guys do that?! 29 00:01:07,791 --> 00:01:09,424 Boy, I must have been really drunk. 30 00:01:09,459 --> 00:01:10,592 I don't remember any of that. 31 00:01:10,627 --> 00:01:11,660 No problem. 32 00:01:11,695 --> 00:01:13,461 Instagram remembers for you. 33 00:01:20,504 --> 00:01:22,224 Peter, we've got a houseful of people coming 34 00:01:22,239 --> 00:01:24,005 and they're expecting a turkey. 35 00:01:24,041 --> 00:01:25,340 Well, if they're expecting a turkey, 36 00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:27,309 I'll just put on Evan Almighty for them. 37 00:01:27,344 --> 00:01:28,344 Zap! 38 00:01:30,447 --> 00:01:32,948 You and Brian better get another turkey right now! 39 00:01:32,983 --> 00:01:35,250 And don't bother coming back until you do! 40 00:01:35,285 --> 00:01:36,551 Don't worry, Lois. We will. 41 00:01:36,587 --> 00:01:37,919 Yeah, we'll be back with a turkey 42 00:01:37,955 --> 00:01:39,688 faster than you can say, "Jack Robinson." 43 00:01:39,723 --> 00:01:41,289 Jack Rober... 44 00:01:42,826 --> 00:01:45,794 Jack Row... 45 00:01:45,829 --> 00:01:47,696 She had a stroke that killed the part of her brain 46 00:01:47,731 --> 00:01:49,397 that says "Jack Robinson." 47 00:01:49,433 --> 00:01:50,966 We got plenty of time. 48 00:01:55,639 --> 00:01:57,405 All right, Brian, first order of business-- 49 00:01:57,441 --> 00:01:59,307 we have to decide who gets to ride in the cart 50 00:01:59,343 --> 00:02:00,709 and who has to push it. 51 00:02:00,744 --> 00:02:02,077 Well, I'm smaller, so... 52 00:02:02,112 --> 00:02:03,778 The decision has been made. 53 00:02:03,814 --> 00:02:05,413 Ooh, now I want that one. 54 00:02:08,719 --> 00:02:11,353 Aw, crap-- looks like they're completely sold out. 55 00:02:11,388 --> 00:02:12,520 Yeah, sorry. 56 00:02:12,556 --> 00:02:14,789 We just sold our last turkey to that guy. 57 00:02:16,226 --> 00:02:19,294 You are the turkey I have chosen to pardon. 58 00:02:19,329 --> 00:02:21,663 Fly free, turkey! 59 00:02:25,102 --> 00:02:27,469 Oh, Fudgsicles! 60 00:02:30,107 --> 00:02:32,307 Hey, you don't sell turkeys here, do you? 61 00:02:32,342 --> 00:02:35,076 We've been to every grocery store in town with no luck. 62 00:02:36,847 --> 00:02:38,613 are these little packets of weird vitamins 63 00:02:38,649 --> 00:02:41,383 that vaguely suggest they help you in the bedroom. 64 00:02:41,418 --> 00:02:44,753 "Performance and stamina, for men." 65 00:02:44,788 --> 00:02:48,456 I know what that means. 66 00:02:52,462 --> 00:02:54,896 Peter, enough. Come to bed. 67 00:02:54,931 --> 00:02:56,131 Uh-uh, Lois. 68 00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:58,333 The packet says I got to play till I'm raw. 69 00:03:02,773 --> 00:03:04,072 Can't believe every turkey 70 00:03:04,107 --> 00:03:06,841 within a 60-mile radius of Quahog is sold out. 71 00:03:06,877 --> 00:03:09,010 I know. And now we're so far from home, 72 00:03:09,046 --> 00:03:10,845 none of your stations even work. 73 00:03:14,885 --> 00:03:17,419 ♪ She thinks I'm beautiful ♪ 74 00:03:17,454 --> 00:03:19,387 ♪ Meet Virginia ♪ 75 00:03:19,423 --> 00:03:21,589 Is this... Is this fine? 76 00:03:21,625 --> 00:03:22,857 I mean, it's not... it's... 77 00:03:22,893 --> 00:03:24,626 Yeah, it's fine if you think it's fine. 78 00:03:24,661 --> 00:03:26,928 It's not that good of a song, but we know it. 79 00:03:26,963 --> 00:03:28,330 Yeah, okay. Sure. 80 00:03:28,365 --> 00:03:29,531 ♪ She never compromises... ♪ 81 00:03:29,566 --> 00:03:30,899 Brian, I love Train. 82 00:03:30,934 --> 00:03:33,101 I love Train. 83 00:03:35,372 --> 00:03:37,472 Chris, are Brian and your father back yet? 84 00:03:37,507 --> 00:03:40,909 No. And why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's? 85 00:03:40,944 --> 00:03:43,278 It's weird. That is weird, you're right. 86 00:03:43,313 --> 00:03:44,612 Well, they better get here soon. 87 00:03:44,648 --> 00:03:47,582 I can't host this Thanksgiving dinner on my own. 88 00:03:47,617 --> 00:03:49,384 Hear that? This thing's all on you. 89 00:03:49,419 --> 00:03:51,152 What? What are you talking about? 90 00:03:51,188 --> 00:03:53,228 Well, the fat man's never going to get back in time, 91 00:03:53,256 --> 00:03:55,790 and with him gone, that makes you the man of the house. 92 00:03:55,826 --> 00:03:57,892 I sentence you to death! 93 00:03:57,928 --> 00:03:58,960 Chris, Chris, slow down. 94 00:03:58,995 --> 00:04:00,562 I'm just saying, without Peter here, 95 00:04:00,597 --> 00:04:02,697 you're going to have to be the host of Thanksgiving. 96 00:04:02,733 --> 00:04:05,734 You have to do everything the fat man normally would. 97 00:04:05,769 --> 00:04:07,535 You mean, like, fall asleep on the toilet 98 00:04:07,571 --> 00:04:10,472 and have a big red ring on my bum for a week? 99 00:04:10,507 --> 00:04:12,273 No, no, no-- greeting guests as they arrive. 100 00:04:12,309 --> 00:04:13,875 Facilitating small talk. 101 00:04:13,910 --> 00:04:16,077 And, of course, giving the Thanksgiving toast. 102 00:04:16,113 --> 00:04:18,213 Boy, yesterday I'm microwaving a cat, 103 00:04:18,248 --> 00:04:19,848 today I'm giving a speech. 104 00:04:19,883 --> 00:04:22,817 Things move fast around here. 105 00:04:26,323 --> 00:04:28,656 Hi, do you have any turkeys? 106 00:04:28,692 --> 00:04:30,525 Sure do. You're looking at one. 107 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,726 I'm sorry. 108 00:04:31,762 --> 00:04:34,129 You have to know me to know I'm just joking. 109 00:04:34,164 --> 00:04:35,797 Sir, the day we've had, 110 00:04:35,832 --> 00:04:38,767 we could use a good chuckle like that. 111 00:04:38,802 --> 00:04:40,168 You folks are in luck. 112 00:04:40,203 --> 00:04:42,470 Looks like we have one turkey left. 113 00:04:42,506 --> 00:04:43,772 Oh, thank God. 114 00:04:43,807 --> 00:04:44,906 Oh, you're telling me. 115 00:04:44,941 --> 00:04:46,541 We didn't come back with a turkey, 116 00:04:46,576 --> 00:04:49,010 Lois would be madder than that time she got a Capp smear. 117 00:04:49,045 --> 00:04:51,346 All right, we're just going to take a quick Capp smear. 118 00:04:51,381 --> 00:04:53,047 Don't you mean pap smear? 119 00:04:53,083 --> 00:04:55,283 No, at this hospital we obtain the sample 120 00:04:55,318 --> 00:04:58,520 using beloved British comic strip roustabout Andy Capp. 121 00:04:58,555 --> 00:05:00,755 'Ello, luv. 122 00:05:00,791 --> 00:05:02,023 Let's have a smear. 123 00:05:02,058 --> 00:05:03,591 I'm not letting you do that. 124 00:05:03,627 --> 00:05:04,826 You can't even see. 125 00:05:04,861 --> 00:05:08,930 That's all right, bird. I goes by smell. 126 00:05:11,835 --> 00:05:14,636 Brian, look, an eight-foot basket. 127 00:05:14,671 --> 00:05:16,070 Let me just dunk the turkey once. 128 00:05:16,106 --> 00:05:18,006 I know I can jam it. 129 00:05:20,243 --> 00:05:21,943 That's not a regulation rim. 130 00:05:21,978 --> 00:05:23,711 Okay, you know what? I'm in charge of the turkey. 131 00:05:23,747 --> 00:05:25,647 You're driving. 132 00:05:30,487 --> 00:05:31,986 This thing on? 133 00:05:32,022 --> 00:05:33,054 Yes. 134 00:05:33,089 --> 00:05:34,322 It's not making any noise. 135 00:05:34,357 --> 00:05:35,924 It's a hybrid. Trust me, it's on. 136 00:05:35,959 --> 00:05:37,192 No, it's not. See? 137 00:05:51,441 --> 00:05:53,475 Oh, my God! 138 00:06:06,957 --> 00:06:09,591 Not now! Not like this! 139 00:06:15,232 --> 00:06:16,965 Peter, what the hell?! 140 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,800 You chose a turkey over me?! 141 00:06:18,835 --> 00:06:20,168 I almost died! 142 00:06:20,203 --> 00:06:23,905 I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater. 143 00:06:29,019 --> 00:06:31,520 Great. The water completely killed my phone. 144 00:06:31,555 --> 00:06:32,721 Oh, horrors. 145 00:06:32,756 --> 00:06:34,122 You have to spend time with me 146 00:06:34,157 --> 00:06:35,557 without looking at your phone. 147 00:06:35,592 --> 00:06:36,658 Here, give me yours. 148 00:06:36,693 --> 00:06:38,660 I threw mine at a duck. 149 00:06:38,695 --> 00:06:40,495 Excuse me, can you help us? 150 00:06:40,531 --> 00:06:41,997 We're trying to get back to Quahog. 151 00:06:42,032 --> 00:06:44,566 If you want, I can take you as far as the bus station. 152 00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:46,201 You can? Oh, thank you so much! 153 00:06:46,236 --> 00:06:48,637 Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone's done for me 154 00:06:48,672 --> 00:06:51,640 since my kids gave me that Father's Day gift. 155 00:06:51,675 --> 00:06:53,975 Oh, look, a tie. Perfect. 156 00:06:57,180 --> 00:07:00,348 It's from all of us! 157 00:07:04,454 --> 00:07:06,021 All right, Chris, acting as host 158 00:07:06,056 --> 00:07:08,123 will demand a higher level of conversation. 159 00:07:08,158 --> 00:07:09,658 I suggest as your opener-- 160 00:07:09,693 --> 00:07:11,893 "Lois, everything is delicious." 161 00:07:11,929 --> 00:07:13,862 Then that's what I will say. 162 00:07:13,897 --> 00:07:15,730 Unless Slender Man commands me 163 00:07:15,766 --> 00:07:17,265 to say something else. 164 00:07:17,301 --> 00:07:20,669 Ugh, this is gonna be a bigger disaster than Y2-Gay. 165 00:07:20,704 --> 00:07:23,505 Three! Two! One! 166 00:07:23,540 --> 00:07:27,275 I hope my dad's not watching ABC! 167 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,114 Oh, thank God we got on this bus. 168 00:07:33,150 --> 00:07:34,616 I really had to poop. 169 00:07:34,651 --> 00:07:36,418 Wait, where is there a bathroom on this bus? 170 00:07:36,453 --> 00:07:37,852 I didn't say there was a bathroom, 171 00:07:37,888 --> 00:07:39,187 I just said I had to poop. 172 00:07:39,222 --> 00:07:40,422 Oh, my God! 173 00:07:40,457 --> 00:07:42,657 This is gross even for a bus! 174 00:07:45,896 --> 00:07:47,395 I don't know what they were so mad about, 175 00:07:47,431 --> 00:07:48,930 I did it in a Rite Aid bag. 176 00:07:48,966 --> 00:07:50,799 Damn it, Peter! That was our only way home! 177 00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:53,134 Well, that's where you're wrong, Brian. 178 00:07:53,170 --> 00:07:54,736 Free bus bike! 179 00:07:54,771 --> 00:07:57,205 Aw, crap, this is a girl's bike. 180 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,506 All right, we'll ride it, 181 00:07:58,542 --> 00:08:00,475 but pray to God nobody from school sees us. 182 00:08:00,510 --> 00:08:02,177 Nice bike, butt-munch! 183 00:08:02,212 --> 00:08:05,547 Shut up! I'm telling Miss Baumbakis! 184 00:08:09,119 --> 00:08:10,452 Up next on Nickelodeon, 185 00:08:10,487 --> 00:08:13,355 Uncomfortably Hot Eighteen-Year-Old Girls. 186 00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:15,290 Honey, where are you off to? 187 00:08:15,325 --> 00:08:16,491 To the car wash 188 00:08:16,526 --> 00:08:18,259 to raise money for our new soccer uniforms. 189 00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:20,261 Okay, have fun. 190 00:08:20,297 --> 00:08:22,497 Nickelodeon-- casually ask your daughter 191 00:08:22,532 --> 00:08:23,898 what that girl's name is, 192 00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:26,368 then take your laptop into the bathroom. 193 00:08:29,406 --> 00:08:31,773 Uh, Mom! Daddy! You're right on time! 194 00:08:31,808 --> 00:08:34,142 Happy Thanksgiving, dear! 195 00:08:34,177 --> 00:08:35,543 We brought some wine, 196 00:08:35,579 --> 00:08:37,879 but it's good wine so it's just or us. 197 00:08:39,116 --> 00:08:41,850 Damn it. Where the hell are they with that turkey? 198 00:08:43,887 --> 00:08:45,954 Hi, you've reached Brian Griffin 199 00:08:45,989 --> 00:08:48,156 of The Write Stuff writing classes... 200 00:08:48,191 --> 00:08:49,924 Oh, God. 201 00:08:52,963 --> 00:08:54,295 Come on, keep pedaling. 202 00:08:54,331 --> 00:08:56,064 Dinner starts in an hour. 203 00:09:01,405 --> 00:09:02,804 Oh! Ow! 204 00:09:02,839 --> 00:09:03,872 Damn it, Peter! 205 00:09:03,907 --> 00:09:05,006 Oh, great. 206 00:09:05,042 --> 00:09:06,941 You broke the chain and now we have to walk! 207 00:09:06,977 --> 00:09:08,943 Unless we hitchhike. 208 00:09:08,979 --> 00:09:11,146 Hitchhike? You know how dangerous that is? 209 00:09:11,181 --> 00:09:12,647 Besides, we're in the middle of nowhere. 210 00:09:12,683 --> 00:09:14,249 There aren't even any cars around. 211 00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:15,750 There's one. 212 00:09:15,786 --> 00:09:18,319 Hey! Hey, stop! Give us a ride! 213 00:09:18,355 --> 00:09:20,822 It's just me and my upright dog. 214 00:09:20,857 --> 00:09:23,758 We're obviously not weirdoes! 215 00:09:25,295 --> 00:09:26,494 See, Brian? Told ya. 216 00:09:26,530 --> 00:09:28,430 We're going to be home in no time. 217 00:09:28,465 --> 00:09:29,465 Hi there, folks. 218 00:09:29,499 --> 00:09:31,466 Hand over the turkey. What?! 219 00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:33,568 I can't go back to my wife without a turkey! 220 00:09:33,603 --> 00:09:34,736 Oh, yeah? 221 00:09:34,771 --> 00:09:36,604 Bet that thing's not even loaded. 222 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,241 You just used your last bullet. 223 00:09:40,277 --> 00:09:42,711 Running on empty now. 224 00:09:42,746 --> 00:09:45,547 Brian, give him the turkey. 225 00:09:53,023 --> 00:09:55,957 Okay, buddy, you ready to test out those hosting skills? 226 00:09:55,992 --> 00:09:58,426 Now go wow your guests with conversation. 227 00:09:59,863 --> 00:10:01,262 Hi, Grandma. 228 00:10:01,298 --> 00:10:03,998 I got some down-there hair now-- want to see? 229 00:10:04,034 --> 00:10:05,767 Uh, I-I... 230 00:10:05,802 --> 00:10:08,636 I should check if your mother needs help in the kitchen. 231 00:10:08,672 --> 00:10:12,240 Sometimes I pluck them because I deserve pain. 232 00:10:17,581 --> 00:10:19,614 Cut! No. Stop. 233 00:10:19,649 --> 00:10:21,116 I'm sorry! I panicked! 234 00:10:21,151 --> 00:10:23,284 It's all right. It's okay. Don't worry, Chris. 235 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,653 You can't always get things right on the first try. 236 00:10:25,689 --> 00:10:28,490 Just look at Snoopy's original happy dance. 237 00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:33,762 Hey, you having a good time tonight? 238 00:10:35,632 --> 00:10:37,398 Oh, yeah. 239 00:10:41,538 --> 00:10:42,971 Can't believe we got robbed. 240 00:10:43,006 --> 00:10:44,606 Yeah, but can we just talk for a second 241 00:10:44,641 --> 00:10:47,509 about how brave I was when we walked past that cemetery? 242 00:10:47,544 --> 00:10:50,211 Peter, do you not see that we are completely screwed here? 243 00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:51,813 And it's all thanks to you! 244 00:10:51,848 --> 00:10:54,315 You drove my car into a lake, you almost let me drown, 245 00:10:54,351 --> 00:10:56,818 you got us thrown off a bus, you broke our bike, 246 00:10:56,853 --> 00:10:58,386 and now you've gotten our turkey stolen 247 00:10:58,421 --> 00:10:59,654 and Thanksgiving is ruined 248 00:10:59,689 --> 00:11:00,955 and we don't have any transportation 249 00:11:00,991 --> 00:11:02,657 and we're still miles from home! 250 00:11:02,692 --> 00:11:05,093 You're starting to get black gums like an older dog. 251 00:11:05,128 --> 00:11:07,088 You know what? You know what? Maybe it's my fault. 252 00:11:07,097 --> 00:11:08,897 I forgot, I'm talking to a complete idiot. 253 00:11:08,932 --> 00:11:10,365 You are so stupid! 254 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,400 Oh, yeah? 255 00:11:11,401 --> 00:11:12,834 Well, if I'm so stupid, 256 00:11:12,869 --> 00:11:15,537 then how did I manage to frame you for eating the turkey? 257 00:11:15,572 --> 00:11:17,205 What?! Yeah! 258 00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,240 Didn't you notice you were passed out in all those photos? 259 00:11:19,276 --> 00:11:20,341 You didn't eat any of it. 260 00:11:20,377 --> 00:11:21,776 I just posed you like that 261 00:11:21,812 --> 00:11:23,545 because I didn't want to take all the blame. 262 00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:26,114 You son of a bitch! How could you do that to me? 263 00:11:26,149 --> 00:11:27,315 You're a dog, Brian. 264 00:11:27,350 --> 00:11:29,083 I can throw you off a bridge, 265 00:11:29,119 --> 00:11:31,719 and as long as I don't hit a person on a boat, it's okay. 266 00:11:31,755 --> 00:11:33,288 Screw this. I am done! 267 00:11:33,323 --> 00:11:35,323 This isn't even my problem, it's your problem. 268 00:11:35,358 --> 00:11:36,791 You know what, Peter? 269 00:11:36,827 --> 00:11:38,860 You've got no turkey, and now you've got no friend. 270 00:11:38,895 --> 00:11:40,395 Good-bye! 271 00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:42,297 W-Wait-- Brian, wait! 272 00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:47,735 ♪ Now let's watch a whole bunch of ads. ♪ 273 00:11:51,153 --> 00:11:52,486 Nice Thanksgiving. 274 00:11:52,521 --> 00:11:54,821 I don't know why I ever listen to that jerk. 275 00:11:54,857 --> 00:11:56,156 What? 276 00:11:56,191 --> 00:11:58,031 Home is this way; we're both just walking home. 277 00:11:58,060 --> 00:11:59,393 Leave me alone! 278 00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,928 No way. We're a team, Brian, whether you like it or not. 279 00:12:01,964 --> 00:12:03,130 Just like almond butter 280 00:12:03,165 --> 00:12:05,499 and no sugar added fruit preserves. 281 00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:06,667 Who's hungry? 282 00:12:06,702 --> 00:12:08,468 We are! 283 00:12:08,504 --> 00:12:11,171 Hey, kids, would you like a terrible healthy sandwich? 284 00:12:11,206 --> 00:12:12,472 No. 285 00:12:12,508 --> 00:12:15,042 Too bad, because your recently divorced mom 286 00:12:15,077 --> 00:12:17,778 has a crush on her trainer, and he eats like this, 287 00:12:17,813 --> 00:12:19,646 so now you have to, too. 288 00:12:19,682 --> 00:12:22,382 Almond butter and no sugar added fruit preserves-- 289 00:12:22,418 --> 00:12:23,850 just like PB and J, 290 00:12:23,886 --> 00:12:26,286 but with more of your mom railing this guy. 291 00:12:26,322 --> 00:12:28,789 I named myself Kaya! 292 00:12:28,824 --> 00:12:30,223 We stopped being a team 293 00:12:30,259 --> 00:12:32,292 when you framed me for eating that turkey with you. 294 00:12:32,328 --> 00:12:34,594 Brian, maybe you should be a little less mad at me 295 00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,263 and a little more mad at the guys 296 00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:37,798 growing mustaches for this month. 297 00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:39,099 Hey, don't mock Mo-vember. 298 00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,767 Last year, I raised eight dollars 299 00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:42,269 and got on a BuzzFeed listicle. 300 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,338 No! You use real words! 301 00:12:44,373 --> 00:12:46,773 Internet stuff is not real words. 302 00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:48,842 Hey, look! 303 00:12:51,113 --> 00:12:52,245 There's our answer. 304 00:12:52,281 --> 00:12:54,247 We break into the zoo, steal a turkey, 305 00:12:54,283 --> 00:12:55,916 bring it home, we're heroes. 306 00:12:56,952 --> 00:12:58,151 Peter, stop it! 307 00:12:58,187 --> 00:12:59,387 You're gonna get yourself hurt. 308 00:12:59,421 --> 00:13:00,654 Sorry, can't hear you. 309 00:13:00,689 --> 00:13:02,389 Too busy saving our family's Thanksgiving. 310 00:13:02,424 --> 00:13:04,157 Damn it. 311 00:13:04,193 --> 00:13:05,258 This is idiotic. 312 00:13:05,294 --> 00:13:06,860 You're never gonna find a turkey in there. 313 00:13:06,895 --> 00:13:08,128 Oh, I'll find one. 314 00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,496 I mean, you're looking at the guy 315 00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:11,064 who found the Fountain of Youth. 316 00:13:13,936 --> 00:13:17,304 It's very far away from here! 317 00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:23,777 Hey, Lois, thanks for letting Kevin 318 00:13:23,812 --> 00:13:25,379 bring his girlfriend this year. 319 00:13:25,414 --> 00:13:27,848 And I hope it's not awkward that she's a little person 320 00:13:27,883 --> 00:13:29,649 and they viciously fight all the time. 321 00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:32,352 Why do we have to spend every holiday with your family? 322 00:13:32,388 --> 00:13:34,488 Shut up! I'm a full-size person! 323 00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:35,889 I make the decisions! 324 00:13:35,924 --> 00:13:37,724 Don't you worry. This'll quickly turn 325 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,093 into rough, front-yard, makeup sex. 326 00:13:40,129 --> 00:13:42,896 All this fighting is making me so damn hot. 327 00:13:46,402 --> 00:13:47,667 Oh, my God. 328 00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:50,170 It looks like he's chalking a pool cue. 329 00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:51,338 Hey, scoot over. 330 00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:52,739 As the oldest guy here, 331 00:13:52,775 --> 00:13:54,674 it's my duty to take an open mouth nap 332 00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,009 in the middle of the room. 333 00:14:05,921 --> 00:14:07,287 God, look at my mom. 334 00:14:07,322 --> 00:14:09,022 Dinner should've been served half an hour ago. 335 00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:11,057 She's clearly stalling for time. 336 00:14:11,093 --> 00:14:12,225 Okay, everybody. 337 00:14:12,261 --> 00:14:14,494 Dinner's gonna be ready very soon. 338 00:14:14,530 --> 00:14:16,029 Uh, what? 339 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,731 Um, oh, good. 340 00:14:17,766 --> 00:14:19,299 But before we get started, 341 00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:22,536 I thought we could all take turns telling a long story 342 00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:25,238 about how things aren't the way they used to be. 343 00:14:25,274 --> 00:14:27,307 Daddy, would you care to start? 344 00:14:27,342 --> 00:14:28,408 You bet I would. 345 00:14:28,444 --> 00:14:29,609 Too much candy! 346 00:14:29,645 --> 00:14:30,811 Too much candy? 347 00:14:30,846 --> 00:14:32,612 What do you mean, too much candy? 348 00:14:32,648 --> 00:14:33,814 There's too much candy! 349 00:14:33,849 --> 00:14:35,449 There used to be four candies. 350 00:14:35,484 --> 00:14:38,151 Bulls-eyes, Yahoos, Sweet Yarn and cigarettes. 351 00:14:38,187 --> 00:14:39,553 Now I go into a store, 352 00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,121 I don't know whether I'm coming or going! 353 00:14:41,156 --> 00:14:42,522 Is there anything else? 354 00:14:42,558 --> 00:14:45,225 Why don't ballplayers wear giant woolen shirts anymore? 355 00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:46,793 What's wrong with wool? 356 00:14:46,829 --> 00:14:48,161 It was a perfect fabric. 357 00:14:48,197 --> 00:14:50,397 You go to the ballpark, get your bag of Bulls-eyes 358 00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:53,233 and watch Hack Wilson round the bases in a big wool shirt. 359 00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,735 I once saw Hack hit a ball out of the infield. 360 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,704 I still remember the thud of the bat 361 00:14:57,739 --> 00:14:59,239 and the whoosh of the wool. 362 00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:02,676 I wish things were still heavy. 363 00:15:02,711 --> 00:15:04,211 Oh, the rails are off this thing. 364 00:15:04,246 --> 00:15:06,079 All right, Chris, this is where you, as host, 365 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,481 need to step in and... 366 00:15:07,516 --> 00:15:10,150 Chris? Chris? 367 00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:13,386 What the hell? Are you drunk? 368 00:15:13,422 --> 00:15:15,155 I couldn't handle the pressure, Stewie. 369 00:15:15,190 --> 00:15:18,458 We Irish, we have a deep sadness. 370 00:15:18,494 --> 00:15:20,827 Oh, come on, get up! They need you down there. 371 00:15:20,863 --> 00:15:24,998 ♪ Too-Ra-loo-Ra-loo-ral. ♪ 372 00:15:32,341 --> 00:15:33,707 All right, there they are. 373 00:15:33,742 --> 00:15:36,109 I'm going in and getting us a turkey, Brian. 374 00:15:40,449 --> 00:15:42,916 Hey, buddy, you want to come to my house 375 00:15:42,951 --> 00:15:45,218 so my wife can cook you wrong? 376 00:15:45,254 --> 00:15:46,953 Ah, damn it! 377 00:15:48,357 --> 00:15:50,123 Peter, this is never gonna work. 378 00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,678 All right, just leave the turkey alone. 379 00:15:51,693 --> 00:15:52,893 The poor thing is... Aah! Aah! 380 00:15:52,928 --> 00:15:54,194 What the hell?! Knock it off! 381 00:15:54,229 --> 00:15:56,062 Ow! Damn it, I'm gonna kill you, you dick! 382 00:15:56,098 --> 00:15:58,565 Quick, Brian, it's getting away! 383 00:16:12,047 --> 00:16:14,681 Where'd he go? 384 00:16:16,285 --> 00:16:18,151 He's not in here. 385 00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:20,020 Over there! 386 00:16:52,421 --> 00:16:53,753 Oh, crap. 387 00:16:53,789 --> 00:16:55,121 Easy there. 388 00:16:55,157 --> 00:16:57,123 Hey, it's Thanksgiving. 389 00:16:57,159 --> 00:16:58,592 Shouldn't you be in Detroit 390 00:16:58,627 --> 00:17:00,126 losing a football game right now? 391 00:17:06,101 --> 00:17:07,867 Brian, up here! 392 00:17:13,775 --> 00:17:14,908 Oh, my God. 393 00:17:14,943 --> 00:17:16,876 Thank you, Peter. Thank you so much! 394 00:17:16,912 --> 00:17:18,945 Hey, you're welcome, buddy. 395 00:17:18,981 --> 00:17:20,180 You... 396 00:17:20,215 --> 00:17:21,715 You saved my life. 397 00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:22,916 Of course I did. 398 00:17:22,951 --> 00:17:24,618 You're my best friend. 399 00:17:24,653 --> 00:17:25,919 Hey, listen, I'm-I'm... 400 00:17:25,954 --> 00:17:27,954 I'm sorry I messed everything up today. 401 00:17:27,990 --> 00:17:29,956 It's okay. 402 00:17:29,992 --> 00:17:31,992 I guess I've been kind of a jerk, too. 403 00:17:32,027 --> 00:17:33,994 I'm sorry I yelled at you. 404 00:17:34,029 --> 00:17:35,495 Ah, I deserved it. 405 00:17:35,530 --> 00:17:38,064 I mean, for God's sake, I sank your car in a lake. 406 00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,533 And I broke this guy's neck just now. 407 00:17:42,337 --> 00:17:43,503 Yeesh. 408 00:17:43,538 --> 00:17:45,839 But, hey, we cut the legs off him and dye him brown, 409 00:17:45,874 --> 00:17:47,273 we got ourselves a turkey, right? 410 00:17:47,309 --> 00:17:49,142 No. We've come this far. 411 00:17:49,177 --> 00:17:51,144 Let's do it right. 412 00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:56,716 Hey, you got a tiny head and a big body. 413 00:17:56,752 --> 00:17:58,752 What if I switched that? 414 00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,054 Gotcha! 415 00:18:01,089 --> 00:18:02,489 All right, we did it! 416 00:18:02,524 --> 00:18:03,757 We got ourselves a turkey. 417 00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:04,991 Yeah, but what time is it? 418 00:18:05,027 --> 00:18:06,667 I mean, dinner has to have started by now. 419 00:18:06,695 --> 00:18:08,094 We're never gonna make it home on foot. 420 00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,130 Maybe we don't have to. 421 00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:16,836 We're now arriving in Quahog. 422 00:18:16,872 --> 00:18:19,272 Up on the right are the people with the awesome trampoline, 423 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,241 but they don't let me on it no more, 424 00:18:21,276 --> 00:18:23,677 'cause I bounced a kid onto the house. 425 00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:27,280 There were no squeezable condiments. 426 00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,748 Ketchup came in a can. 427 00:18:28,784 --> 00:18:31,785 And, Daddy, what about the pants that kids today are wearing? 428 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,820 Are they properly sized? 429 00:18:33,855 --> 00:18:35,155 Are we gonna eat soon? 430 00:18:35,190 --> 00:18:36,389 I have an interesting factoid 431 00:18:36,425 --> 00:18:38,458 about what makes you sleepy afterwards. 432 00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,493 Yeah, the hell with this. I'm starving. 433 00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:44,931 Okay, I guess we should eat. 434 00:18:47,369 --> 00:18:49,369 Well, obviously Peter's not here. 435 00:18:49,404 --> 00:18:51,638 So it's fallen to me to take up the mantle. 436 00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:54,140 Now, I wasn't planning on doing this today, 437 00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:57,777 but when I look around at all of these open, loving faces 438 00:18:57,813 --> 00:18:59,412 or friends and family, 439 00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:01,915 I am comfortable enough to finally say 440 00:19:01,950 --> 00:19:05,251 that I am a proud, unashamed, active... 441 00:19:05,287 --> 00:19:08,388 Lois, we're home and Thanksgiving is saved! 442 00:19:08,423 --> 00:19:09,689 Kidding! 443 00:19:09,725 --> 00:19:11,691 Oh, my God, where the hell have you been? 444 00:19:11,727 --> 00:19:13,560 And what are you doing with a live turkey?! 445 00:19:13,595 --> 00:19:16,329 A live turkey who loves Rollerblading. 446 00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:19,999 Our dog drew that. 447 00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,168 Peter, we can't eat a live turkey. 448 00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:24,771 Look, Lois, I still got time to make this right. 449 00:19:24,806 --> 00:19:25,905 And I'm gonna. 450 00:19:25,941 --> 00:19:28,608 Hand me a nine iron and show me to the backyard. 451 00:19:30,445 --> 00:19:33,513 Well, buddy, I guess this is it. 452 00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:46,526 Aah! Aah! 453 00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:48,628 Wow, I-I... 454 00:19:48,663 --> 00:19:50,630 I read that look wrong. 455 00:19:50,665 --> 00:19:52,432 Ah, geez, I'm sorry. 456 00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,067 I wish you didn't have to die, 457 00:19:54,102 --> 00:19:56,436 but a bunch of white people put on sweaters. 458 00:20:01,877 --> 00:20:03,743 I couldn't do it. What? 459 00:20:03,779 --> 00:20:05,111 I'm sorry, Lois. 460 00:20:05,147 --> 00:20:06,827 I know you wanted the perfect Thanksgiving, 461 00:20:06,848 --> 00:20:08,782 and I know I screwed that all up for you, 462 00:20:08,817 --> 00:20:10,416 but when you think about it, 463 00:20:10,452 --> 00:20:13,019 isn't this holiday about being with people you love? 464 00:20:13,054 --> 00:20:15,421 I mean, does it really matter what we eat? 465 00:20:15,457 --> 00:20:17,390 What matters is we're all together. 466 00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,592 Family and friends. 467 00:20:19,628 --> 00:20:21,795 And one new friend. 468 00:20:21,830 --> 00:20:24,330 Oh, Peter, that's beautiful. 469 00:20:24,366 --> 00:20:27,200 Lois, can the turkey please join us for dinner? 470 00:20:27,235 --> 00:20:30,270 Not as the meal, but as our guest? 471 00:20:30,305 --> 00:20:32,071 Of course he can. 472 00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:33,773 Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. 473 00:20:35,877 --> 00:20:38,778 The man of the house 474 00:20:38,814 --> 00:20:41,481 killed a turkey for Thanksgiving! 475 00:20:42,851 --> 00:20:44,717 Well, looks like we're having turkey after all. 476 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:51,161 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 477 00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:53,322 Four years later, me and Lois divorced and Stewie died. 478 00:20:54,881 --> 00:20:56,847 Gobble, gobble!