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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,061 --> 00:00:08,329
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,364 --> 00:00:11,899
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,934 --> 00:00:14,902
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,196
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:30,197
♪ Family Guy 13x054 ♪ Turkey Guys
Original Air Date on November 16, 2014
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00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:34,198
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry
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00:00:34,223 --> 00:00:35,656
Live from New York City,
13
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it's the JCPenney
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
14
00:00:38,828 --> 00:00:40,394
The JCPenney parade?
15
00:00:40,429 --> 00:00:42,062
Yeah, it's like the Macy's parade,
16
00:00:42,098 --> 00:00:44,331
only without licensed characters.
17
00:00:44,367 --> 00:00:47,334
With the popular
balloons we all know and love...
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00:00:47,370 --> 00:00:53,007
Mickey Rabbit, Sponge Cow, and
Clifton the Small Blue Dog.
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00:00:53,042 --> 00:00:55,876
Peter, get in here!
20
00:00:55,911 --> 00:00:57,478
You want to tell me
what the hell happened
21
00:00:57,513 --> 00:00:59,013
to our Thanksgiving turkey?
22
00:00:59,048 --> 00:01:00,414
Oh, that.
23
00:01:00,449 --> 00:01:02,283
Uh, well, last night, Brian and I
24
00:01:02,318 --> 00:01:03,917
got drunk and ate the turkey.
25
00:01:03,953 --> 00:01:07,187
But before you get mad,
we also ate the salad.
26
00:01:07,223 --> 00:01:08,856
Damn it, how could you guys do that?!
27
00:01:08,891 --> 00:01:10,524
Boy, I must have been really drunk.
28
00:01:10,559 --> 00:01:11,719
I don't remember any of that.
29
00:01:11,727 --> 00:01:12,760
No problem.
30
00:01:12,795 --> 00:01:14,561
Instagram remembers for you.
31
00:01:21,604 --> 00:01:23,324
Peter, we've got a houseful
of people coming
32
00:01:23,339 --> 00:01:25,105
and they're expecting a turkey.
33
00:01:25,141 --> 00:01:26,440
Well, if they're expecting a turkey,
34
00:01:26,475 --> 00:01:28,409
I'll just put on
Evan Almighty for them.
35
00:01:28,444 --> 00:01:29,444
Zap!
36
00:01:31,547 --> 00:01:34,048
You and Brian better get
another turkey right now!
37
00:01:34,083 --> 00:01:36,350
And don't bother
coming back until you do!
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00:01:36,385 --> 00:01:37,651
Don't worry, Lois.
We will.
39
00:01:37,687 --> 00:01:39,019
Yeah, we'll be back with a turkey
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00:01:39,055 --> 00:01:40,788
faster than you can
say, "Jack Robinson."
41
00:01:40,823 --> 00:01:42,389
Jack Rober...
42
00:01:43,926 --> 00:01:46,894
Jack Row...
43
00:01:46,929 --> 00:01:48,796
She had a stroke that killed
the part of her brain
44
00:01:48,831 --> 00:01:50,497
that says "Jack Robinson."
45
00:01:50,533 --> 00:01:52,066
We got plenty of time.
46
00:01:56,739 --> 00:01:58,505
All right, Brian,
first order of business...
47
00:01:58,541 --> 00:02:00,407
we have to decide
who gets to ride in the cart
48
00:02:00,443 --> 00:02:01,809
and who has to push it.
49
00:02:01,844 --> 00:02:03,177
Well, I'm smaller, so...
50
00:02:03,212 --> 00:02:04,878
The decision has been made.
51
00:02:04,914 --> 00:02:06,513
Ooh, now I want that one.
52
00:02:09,819 --> 00:02:12,453
Aw, crap... looks like
they're completely sold out.
53
00:02:12,488 --> 00:02:13,620
Yeah, sorry.
54
00:02:13,656 --> 00:02:15,889
We just sold our last
turkey to that guy.
55
00:02:17,326 --> 00:02:20,394
You are the turkey
I have chosen to pardon.
56
00:02:20,429 --> 00:02:22,763
Fly free, turkey!
57
00:02:26,202 --> 00:02:28,569
Oh, Fudgsicles!
58
00:02:31,207 --> 00:02:33,407
Hey, you don't sell
turkeys here, do you?
59
00:02:33,442 --> 00:02:36,176
We've been to every grocery
store in town with no luck.
60
00:02:37,947 --> 00:02:39,713
Are these little packets
of weird vitamins
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00:02:39,749 --> 00:02:42,483
that vaguely suggest
they help you in the bedroom.
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00:02:42,518 --> 00:02:45,853
"Performance and
stamina, for men."
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00:02:45,888 --> 00:02:49,556
I know what that means.
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00:02:53,562 --> 00:02:55,996
Peter, enough.
Come to bed.
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00:02:56,031 --> 00:02:57,231
Uh-uh, Lois.
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00:02:57,266 --> 00:02:59,433
The packet says I got to
play till I'm raw.
67
00:03:03,873 --> 00:03:05,172
Can't believe every turkey
68
00:03:05,207 --> 00:03:07,941
within a 60-mile radius
of Quahog is sold out.
69
00:03:07,977 --> 00:03:10,110
I know. And now
we're so far from home,
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00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:11,945
none of your stations even work.
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00:03:15,985 --> 00:03:18,519
♪ She thinks I'm beautiful ♪
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00:03:18,554 --> 00:03:20,487
♪ Meet Virginia ♪
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00:03:20,523 --> 00:03:22,689
Is this...
Is this fine?
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00:03:22,725 --> 00:03:23,957
I mean, it's
not... it's...
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00:03:23,993 --> 00:03:25,726
Yeah, it's fine if you think it's fine.
76
00:03:25,761 --> 00:03:28,028
It's not that good
of a song, but we know it.
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00:03:28,063 --> 00:03:29,430
Yeah, okay. Sure.
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00:03:29,465 --> 00:03:30,631
♪ She never compromises... ♪
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00:03:30,666 --> 00:03:31,999
Brian, I love Train.
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00:03:32,034 --> 00:03:34,201
I (bleep) love Train.
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00:03:36,472 --> 00:03:38,572
Chris, are Brian and
your father back yet?
82
00:03:38,607 --> 00:03:42,009
No. And why are you saying
the dog's name before Dad's?
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00:03:42,044 --> 00:03:44,378
It's weird.
That is weird, you're right.
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00:03:44,413 --> 00:03:45,712
Well, they better get here soon.
85
00:03:45,748 --> 00:03:48,682
I can't host this
Thanksgiving dinner on my own.
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00:03:48,717 --> 00:03:50,484
Hear that?
This thing's all on you.
87
00:03:50,519 --> 00:03:52,252
What? What are you
talking about?
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00:03:52,288 --> 00:03:54,328
Well, the fat man's never
going to get back in time,
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00:03:54,356 --> 00:03:56,890
and with him gone, that makes
you the man of the house.
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00:03:56,926 --> 00:03:58,992
I sentence you to death!
91
00:03:59,028 --> 00:04:00,060
Chris, Chris, slow down.
92
00:04:00,095 --> 00:04:01,662
I'm just saying, without Peter here,
93
00:04:01,697 --> 00:04:03,797
you're going to have to be
the host of Thanksgiving.
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00:04:03,833 --> 00:04:06,834
You have to do everything
the fat man normally would.
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00:04:06,869 --> 00:04:08,635
You mean, like,
fall asleep on the toilet
96
00:04:08,671 --> 00:04:11,572
and have a big red ring
on my bum for a week?
97
00:04:11,607 --> 00:04:13,373
No, no, no... greeting
guests as they arrive.
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00:04:13,409 --> 00:04:14,975
Facilitating small talk.
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00:04:15,010 --> 00:04:17,177
And, of course, giving
the Thanksgiving toast.
100
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,313
Boy, yesterday I'm microwaving a cat,
101
00:04:19,348 --> 00:04:20,948
today I'm giving a speech.
102
00:04:20,983 --> 00:04:23,917
Things move fast around here.
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00:04:27,423 --> 00:04:29,756
Hi, do you have any turkeys?
104
00:04:29,792 --> 00:04:31,625
Sure do.
You're looking at one.
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00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:32,826
I'm sorry.
106
00:04:32,862 --> 00:04:35,229
You have to know me
to know I'm just joking.
107
00:04:35,264 --> 00:04:36,897
Sir, the day we've had,
108
00:04:36,932 --> 00:04:39,867
we could use a good chuckle like that.
109
00:04:39,902 --> 00:04:41,268
You folks are in luck.
110
00:04:41,303 --> 00:04:43,570
Looks like we have one turkey left.
111
00:04:43,606 --> 00:04:44,872
Oh, thank God.
112
00:04:44,907 --> 00:04:46,006
Oh, you're telling me.
113
00:04:46,041 --> 00:04:47,641
We didn't come back with a turkey,
114
00:04:47,676 --> 00:04:50,110
Lois would be madder than
that time she got a Capp smear.
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00:04:50,145 --> 00:04:52,446
All right, we're just going
to take a quick Capp smear.
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00:04:52,481 --> 00:04:54,147
Don't you mean pap smear?
117
00:04:54,183 --> 00:04:56,383
No, at this hospital
we obtain the sample
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00:04:56,418 --> 00:04:59,620
using beloved British comic
strip roustabout Andy Capp.
119
00:04:59,655 --> 00:05:01,855
'Ello, luv.
120
00:05:01,891 --> 00:05:03,123
Let's have a smear.
121
00:05:03,158 --> 00:05:04,691
I'm not letting you do that.
122
00:05:04,727 --> 00:05:05,926
You can't even see.
123
00:05:05,961 --> 00:05:10,030
That's all right, bird.
I goes by smell.
124
00:05:12,935 --> 00:05:15,736
Brian, look,
an eight-foot basket.
125
00:05:15,771 --> 00:05:17,170
Let me just dunk the turkey once.
126
00:05:17,206 --> 00:05:19,106
I know I can jam it.
127
00:05:21,343 --> 00:05:23,043
That's not a regulation rim.
128
00:05:23,078 --> 00:05:24,811
Okay, you know what?
I'm in charge of the turkey.
129
00:05:24,847 --> 00:05:26,747
You're driving.
130
00:05:31,587 --> 00:05:33,086
This thing on?
131
00:05:33,122 --> 00:05:34,154
Yes.
132
00:05:34,189 --> 00:05:35,422
It's not making any noise.
133
00:05:35,457 --> 00:05:37,024
It's a hybrid.
Trust me, it's on.
134
00:05:37,059 --> 00:05:38,292
No, it's not. See?
135
00:05:52,541 --> 00:05:54,575
Oh, my God!
136
00:06:08,057 --> 00:06:10,691
Not now! Not like this!
137
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:18,065
Peter, what the hell?!
138
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:19,900
You chose a turkey over me?!
139
00:06:19,935 --> 00:06:21,268
I almost died!
140
00:06:21,303 --> 00:06:25,005
I swear to God, I thought
dogs could breathe underwater.
141
00:06:31,619 --> 00:06:34,120
Great. The water completely
killed my phone.
142
00:06:34,155 --> 00:06:35,321
Oh, horrors.
143
00:06:35,356 --> 00:06:36,722
You have to spend time with me
144
00:06:36,757 --> 00:06:38,157
without looking at your phone.
145
00:06:38,192 --> 00:06:39,258
Here, give me yours.
146
00:06:39,293 --> 00:06:41,260
I threw mine at a duck.
147
00:06:41,295 --> 00:06:43,095
Excuse me, can you help us?
148
00:06:43,131 --> 00:06:44,597
We're trying to get back to Quahog.
149
00:06:44,632 --> 00:06:47,166
If you want, I can take you
as far as the bus station.
150
00:06:47,201 --> 00:06:48,801
You can?
Oh, thank you so much!
151
00:06:48,836 --> 00:06:51,237
Oh, that is the nicest thing
anyone's done for me
152
00:06:51,272 --> 00:06:54,240
since my kids gave me
that Father's Day gift.
153
00:06:54,275 --> 00:06:56,575
Oh, look, a tie.
Perfect.
154
00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:02,948
It's from all of us!
155
00:07:07,054 --> 00:07:08,621
All right, Chris, acting as host
156
00:07:08,656 --> 00:07:10,723
will demand a higher
level of conversation.
157
00:07:10,758 --> 00:07:12,258
I suggest as your opener...
158
00:07:12,293 --> 00:07:14,493
"Lois, everything
is delicious."
159
00:07:14,529 --> 00:07:16,462
Then that's what I will say.
160
00:07:16,497 --> 00:07:19,865
Unless Slender Man commands
me to say something else.
161
00:07:19,901 --> 00:07:23,269
Ugh, this is gonna be
a bigger disaster than Y2-Gay.
162
00:07:23,304 --> 00:07:26,105
Three! Two! One!
163
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:29,875
I hope my dad's not watching ABC!
164
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,714
Oh, thank God we got on this bus.
165
00:07:35,750 --> 00:07:37,216
I really had to poop.
166
00:07:37,251 --> 00:07:39,018
Wait, where is there
a bathroom on this bus?
167
00:07:39,053 --> 00:07:40,452
I didn't say there was a bathroom,
168
00:07:40,488 --> 00:07:41,787
I just said I had to poop.
169
00:07:41,822 --> 00:07:43,022
Oh, my God!
170
00:07:43,057 --> 00:07:45,257
This is gross even for a bus!
171
00:07:48,496 --> 00:07:49,995
I don't know what
they were so mad about,
172
00:07:50,031 --> 00:07:51,530
I did it in a Rite Aid bag.
173
00:07:51,566 --> 00:07:53,399
Damn it, Peter!
That was our only way home!
174
00:07:53,434 --> 00:07:55,734
Well, that's where you're wrong, Brian.
175
00:07:55,770 --> 00:07:57,336
Free bus bike!
176
00:07:57,371 --> 00:07:59,805
Aw, crap, this is a girl's bike.
177
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,106
All right, we'll ride it,
178
00:08:01,142 --> 00:08:03,075
but pray to God nobody
from school sees us.
179
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:04,777
Nice bike, butt-munch!
180
00:08:04,812 --> 00:08:08,147
Shut up!
I'm telling Miss Baumbakis!
181
00:08:11,719 --> 00:08:13,052
Up next on Nickelodeon,
182
00:08:13,087 --> 00:08:15,955
Uncomfortably Hot
Eighteen-Year-Old Girls.
183
00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:17,890
Honey, where are you off to?
184
00:08:17,925 --> 00:08:20,859
To the car wash to raise money
for our new soccer uniforms.
185
00:08:20,895 --> 00:08:22,861
Okay, have fun.
186
00:08:22,897 --> 00:08:25,097
Nickelodeon...
casually ask your daughter
187
00:08:25,132 --> 00:08:26,498
what that girl's name is,
188
00:08:26,534 --> 00:08:28,968
then take your laptop
into the bathroom.
189
00:08:32,006 --> 00:08:34,373
Uh, Mom! Daddy!
You're right on time!
190
00:08:34,408 --> 00:08:36,742
Happy Thanksgiving, dear!
191
00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:40,479
We brought some wine, but it's
good wine so it's just or us.
192
00:08:41,716 --> 00:08:44,450
Damn it. Where the hell
are they with that turkey?
193
00:08:46,487 --> 00:08:48,554
Hi, you've reached Brian Griffin
194
00:08:48,589 --> 00:08:50,756
of The Write Stuff writing classes...
195
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,524
Oh, God.
196
00:08:55,563 --> 00:08:56,895
Come on, keep pedaling.
197
00:08:56,931 --> 00:08:58,664
Dinner starts in an hour.
198
00:09:04,005 --> 00:09:05,404
Oh! Ow!
199
00:09:05,439 --> 00:09:06,472
Damn it, Peter!
200
00:09:06,507 --> 00:09:07,606
Oh, great.
201
00:09:07,642 --> 00:09:09,541
You broke the chain
and now we have to walk!
202
00:09:09,577 --> 00:09:11,543
Unless we hitchhike.
203
00:09:11,579 --> 00:09:13,746
Hitchhike? You know
how dangerous that is?
204
00:09:13,781 --> 00:09:15,247
Besides, we're in
the middle of nowhere.
205
00:09:15,283 --> 00:09:16,849
There aren't even any cars around.
206
00:09:16,884 --> 00:09:18,350
There's one.
207
00:09:18,386 --> 00:09:20,919
Hey! Hey, stop!
Give us a ride!
208
00:09:20,955 --> 00:09:23,422
It's just me and my upright dog.
209
00:09:23,457 --> 00:09:26,358
We're obviously not weirdoes!
210
00:09:27,895 --> 00:09:29,094
See, Brian? Told ya.
211
00:09:29,130 --> 00:09:31,030
We're going to be home in no time.
212
00:09:31,065 --> 00:09:32,065
Hi there, folks.
213
00:09:32,099 --> 00:09:34,066
Hand over the turkey.
What?!
214
00:09:34,101 --> 00:09:36,168
I can't go back to my wife
without a turkey!
215
00:09:36,203 --> 00:09:37,336
Oh, yeah?
216
00:09:37,371 --> 00:09:39,204
Bet that thing's not even loaded.
217
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:42,841
You just used your last bullet.
218
00:09:42,877 --> 00:09:45,311
Running on empty now.
219
00:09:45,346 --> 00:09:48,147
Brian, give him the turkey.
220
00:09:55,623 --> 00:09:58,557
Okay, buddy, you ready to
test out those hosting skills?
221
00:09:58,592 --> 00:10:01,026
Now go wow your guests
with conversation.
222
00:10:02,463 --> 00:10:03,862
Hi, Grandma.
223
00:10:03,898 --> 00:10:06,598
I got some down-there
hair now... want to see?
224
00:10:06,634 --> 00:10:08,367
Uh, I-I...
225
00:10:08,402 --> 00:10:11,236
I should check if your mother
needs help in the kitchen.
226
00:10:11,272 --> 00:10:14,840
Sometimes I pluck them
because I deserve pain.
227
00:10:20,181 --> 00:10:22,214
Cut! No. Stop.
228
00:10:22,249 --> 00:10:23,716
I'm sorry! I panicked!
229
00:10:23,751 --> 00:10:25,884
It's all right. It's okay.
Don't worry, Chris.
230
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,253
You can't always get things
right on the first try.
231
00:10:28,289 --> 00:10:31,090
Just look at Snoopy's
original happy dance.
232
00:10:33,127 --> 00:10:36,362
Hey, you having a good time tonight?
233
00:10:38,232 --> 00:10:39,998
Oh, yeah.
234
00:10:44,138 --> 00:10:45,571
Can't believe we got robbed.
235
00:10:45,606 --> 00:10:47,206
Yeah, but can we just talk for a second
236
00:10:47,241 --> 00:10:50,109
about how brave I was when
we walked past that cemetery?
237
00:10:50,144 --> 00:10:52,811
Peter, do you not see that we
are completely screwed here?
238
00:10:52,847 --> 00:10:54,413
And it's all thanks to you!
239
00:10:54,448 --> 00:10:56,915
You drove my car into a lake,
you almost let me drown,
240
00:10:56,951 --> 00:10:59,418
you got us thrown off a bus,
you broke our bike,
241
00:10:59,453 --> 00:11:01,013
and now you've gotten our turkey stolen
242
00:11:01,021 --> 00:11:02,254
and Thanksgiving is ruined
243
00:11:02,289 --> 00:11:03,555
and we don't have any transportation
244
00:11:03,591 --> 00:11:05,257
and we're still miles from home!
245
00:11:05,292 --> 00:11:07,693
You're starting to get
black gums like an older dog.
246
00:11:07,728 --> 00:11:09,688
You know what? You know what?
Maybe it's my fault.
247
00:11:09,697 --> 00:11:11,497
I forgot, I'm talking
to a complete idiot.
248
00:11:11,532 --> 00:11:12,965
You are so stupid!
249
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,000
Oh, yeah?
250
00:11:14,001 --> 00:11:15,434
Well, if I'm so stupid,
251
00:11:15,469 --> 00:11:18,137
then how did I manage to
frame you for eating the turkey?
252
00:11:18,172 --> 00:11:19,805
What?!
Yeah!
253
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,840
Didn't you notice you were
passed out in all those photos?
254
00:11:21,876 --> 00:11:22,941
You didn't eat any of it.
255
00:11:22,977 --> 00:11:24,376
I just posed you like that
256
00:11:24,412 --> 00:11:26,145
because I didn't want
to take all the blame.
257
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:28,714
You son of a bitch!
How could you do that to me?
258
00:11:28,749 --> 00:11:29,915
You're a dog, Brian.
259
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,683
I can throw you off a bridge,
260
00:11:31,719 --> 00:11:34,319
and as long as I don't hit
a person on a boat, it's okay.
261
00:11:34,355 --> 00:11:35,888
Screw this. I am done!
262
00:11:35,923 --> 00:11:37,923
This isn't even my problem,
it's your problem.
263
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,391
You know what, Peter?
264
00:11:39,427 --> 00:11:41,460
You've got no turkey,
and now you've got no friend.
265
00:11:41,495 --> 00:11:42,995
Good-bye!
266
00:11:43,030 --> 00:11:44,897
W-Wait... Brian, wait!
267
00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:50,335
♪ Now let's watch
a whole bunch of ads. ♪
268
00:11:55,753 --> 00:11:57,086
Nice Thanksgiving.
269
00:11:57,121 --> 00:11:59,421
I don't know why I ever listen
to that jerk.
270
00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:00,756
What?
271
00:12:00,791 --> 00:12:02,631
Home is this way;
we're both just walking home.
272
00:12:02,660 --> 00:12:03,993
Leave me alone!
273
00:12:04,028 --> 00:12:06,528
No way. We're a team, Brian,
whether you like it or not.
274
00:12:06,564 --> 00:12:10,099
Just like almond butter and no
sugar added fruit preserves.
275
00:12:10,134 --> 00:12:11,267
Who's hungry?
276
00:12:11,302 --> 00:12:13,068
We are!
277
00:12:13,104 --> 00:12:15,771
Hey, kids, would you like
a terrible healthy sandwich?
278
00:12:15,806 --> 00:12:17,072
No.
279
00:12:17,108 --> 00:12:19,642
Too bad, because
your recently divorced mom
280
00:12:19,677 --> 00:12:22,378
has a crush on her trainer,
and he eats like this,
281
00:12:22,413 --> 00:12:24,246
so now you have to, too.
282
00:12:24,282 --> 00:12:26,982
Almond butter and no sugar
added fruit preserves...
283
00:12:27,018 --> 00:12:28,450
just like PB and J,
284
00:12:28,486 --> 00:12:30,886
but with more
of your mom railing this guy.
285
00:12:30,922 --> 00:12:33,389
I named myself Kaya!
286
00:12:33,424 --> 00:12:34,823
We stopped being a team
287
00:12:34,859 --> 00:12:36,892
when you framed me for eating
that turkey with you.
288
00:12:36,928 --> 00:12:39,194
Brian, maybe you should be
a little less mad at me
289
00:12:39,230 --> 00:12:40,863
and a little more mad at the guys
290
00:12:40,898 --> 00:12:42,398
growing mustaches for this month.
291
00:12:42,433 --> 00:12:43,699
Hey, don't mock
Mo-vember.
292
00:12:43,734 --> 00:12:45,367
Last year, I raised eight dollars
293
00:12:45,403 --> 00:12:46,869
and got on a BuzzFeed listicle.
294
00:12:46,904 --> 00:12:48,938
No! You use real words!
295
00:12:48,973 --> 00:12:51,373
Internet stuff is not real words.
296
00:12:51,409 --> 00:12:53,442
Hey, look!
297
00:12:55,713 --> 00:12:56,845
There's our answer.
298
00:12:56,881 --> 00:12:58,847
We break into the zoo, steal a turkey,
299
00:12:58,883 --> 00:13:00,516
bring it home, we're heroes.
300
00:13:01,552 --> 00:13:02,751
Peter, stop it!
301
00:13:02,787 --> 00:13:03,987
You're gonna get yourself hurt.
302
00:13:04,021 --> 00:13:05,254
Sorry, can't hear you.
303
00:13:05,289 --> 00:13:06,989
Too busy saving
our family's Thanksgiving.
304
00:13:07,024 --> 00:13:08,757
Damn it.
305
00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:09,858
This is idiotic.
306
00:13:09,894 --> 00:13:11,460
You're never gonna find
a turkey in there.
307
00:13:11,495 --> 00:13:12,728
Oh, I'll find one.
308
00:13:12,763 --> 00:13:14,096
I mean, you're looking at the guy
309
00:13:14,131 --> 00:13:15,664
who found the Fountain of Youth.
310
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:21,904
It's very far away from here!
311
00:13:26,944 --> 00:13:28,377
Hey, Lois, thanks for letting Kevin
312
00:13:28,412 --> 00:13:29,979
bring his girlfriend this year.
313
00:13:30,014 --> 00:13:32,448
And I hope it's not awkward
that she's a little person
314
00:13:32,483 --> 00:13:34,249
and they viciously fight all the time.
315
00:13:34,285 --> 00:13:36,952
Why do we have to spend every
holiday with your family?
316
00:13:36,988 --> 00:13:39,088
Shut up!
I'm a full-size person!
317
00:13:39,123 --> 00:13:40,489
I make the decisions!
318
00:13:40,524 --> 00:13:42,324
Don't you worry.
This'll quickly turn
319
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,693
into rough,
front-yard, makeup sex.
320
00:13:44,729 --> 00:13:47,496
All this fighting is
making me so damn hot.
321
00:13:51,002 --> 00:13:52,267
Oh, my God.
322
00:13:52,303 --> 00:13:54,770
It looks like he's chalking a pool cue.
323
00:13:54,805 --> 00:13:55,938
Hey, scoot over.
324
00:13:55,973 --> 00:13:57,339
As the oldest guy here,
325
00:13:57,375 --> 00:13:59,274
it's my duty to take an open mouth nap
326
00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:00,609
in the middle of the room.
327
00:14:10,521 --> 00:14:11,887
God, look at my mom.
328
00:14:11,922 --> 00:14:13,622
Dinner should've been served
half an hour ago.
329
00:14:13,657 --> 00:14:15,657
She's clearly stalling for time.
330
00:14:15,693 --> 00:14:16,825
Okay, everybody.
331
00:14:16,861 --> 00:14:19,094
Dinner's gonna be ready very soon.
332
00:14:19,130 --> 00:14:20,629
Uh, what?
333
00:14:20,664 --> 00:14:22,331
Um, oh, good.
334
00:14:22,366 --> 00:14:23,899
But before we get started,
335
00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:27,136
I thought we could all take
turns telling a long story
336
00:14:27,171 --> 00:14:29,838
about how things aren't
the way they used to be.
337
00:14:29,874 --> 00:14:31,907
Daddy, would you care to start?
338
00:14:31,942 --> 00:14:33,008
You bet I would.
339
00:14:33,044 --> 00:14:34,209
Too much candy!
340
00:14:34,245 --> 00:14:35,411
Too much candy?
341
00:14:35,446 --> 00:14:37,212
What do you mean, too much candy?
342
00:14:37,248 --> 00:14:38,414
There's too much candy!
343
00:14:38,449 --> 00:14:40,049
There used to be four candies.
344
00:14:40,084 --> 00:14:42,751
Bulls-eyes, Yahoos,
Sweet Yarn and cigarettes.
345
00:14:42,787 --> 00:14:44,153
Now I go into a store,
346
00:14:44,188 --> 00:14:45,721
I don't know whether
I'm coming or going!
347
00:14:45,756 --> 00:14:47,122
Is there anything else?
348
00:14:47,158 --> 00:14:49,825
Why don't ballplayers wear
giant woolen shirts anymore?
349
00:14:49,860 --> 00:14:51,393
What's wrong with wool?
350
00:14:51,429 --> 00:14:52,761
It was a perfect fabric.
351
00:14:52,797 --> 00:14:54,997
You go to the ballpark,
get your bag of Bulls-eyes
352
00:14:55,032 --> 00:14:57,833
and watch Hack Wilson round
the bases in a big wool shirt.
353
00:14:57,868 --> 00:15:00,335
I once saw Hack hit a ball
out of the infield.
354
00:15:00,371 --> 00:15:02,304
I still remember the thud of the bat
355
00:15:02,339 --> 00:15:03,839
and the whoosh of the wool.
356
00:15:03,874 --> 00:15:07,276
I wish things were still heavy.
357
00:15:07,311 --> 00:15:08,811
Oh, the rails are off this thing.
358
00:15:08,846 --> 00:15:10,679
All right, Chris,
this is where you, as host,
359
00:15:10,714 --> 00:15:12,081
need to step in and...
360
00:15:12,116 --> 00:15:14,750
Chris? Chris?
361
00:15:16,020 --> 00:15:17,986
What the hell?
Are you drunk?
362
00:15:18,022 --> 00:15:19,755
I couldn't handle the pressure, Stewie.
363
00:15:19,790 --> 00:15:23,058
We Irish, we have a deep sadness.
364
00:15:23,094 --> 00:15:25,427
Oh, come on, get up!
They need you down there.
365
00:15:25,463 --> 00:15:29,598
♪ Too-Ra-loo-Ra-loo-ral. ♪
366
00:15:36,941 --> 00:15:38,307
All right, there they are.
367
00:15:38,342 --> 00:15:40,709
I'm going in and getting
us a turkey, Brian.
368
00:15:45,049 --> 00:15:47,516
Hey, buddy, you want
to come to my house
369
00:15:47,551 --> 00:15:49,818
so my wife can cook you wrong?
370
00:15:49,854 --> 00:15:51,553
Ah, damn it!
371
00:15:52,957 --> 00:15:54,723
Peter, this is never gonna work.
372
00:15:54,758 --> 00:15:56,278
All right, just leave the turkey alone.
373
00:15:56,293 --> 00:15:57,493
The poor thing is... Aah! Aah!
374
00:15:57,528 --> 00:15:58,794
What the hell?!
Knock it off!
375
00:15:58,829 --> 00:16:00,662
Ow! Damn it, I'm gonna
kill you, you dick!
376
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,165
Quick, Brian, it's getting away!
377
00:16:16,647 --> 00:16:19,281
Where'd he go?
378
00:16:20,885 --> 00:16:22,751
He's not in here.
379
00:16:22,786 --> 00:16:24,620
Over there!
380
00:16:57,021 --> 00:16:58,353
Oh, crap.
381
00:16:58,389 --> 00:16:59,721
Easy there.
382
00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:01,723
Hey, it's Thanksgiving.
383
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:03,192
Shouldn't you be in Detroit
384
00:17:03,227 --> 00:17:04,726
losing a football game right now?
385
00:17:10,701 --> 00:17:12,467
Brian, up here!
386
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:19,508
Oh, my God.
387
00:17:19,543 --> 00:17:21,476
Thank you, Peter.
Thank you so much!
388
00:17:21,512 --> 00:17:23,545
Hey, you're welcome, buddy.
389
00:17:23,581 --> 00:17:24,780
You...
390
00:17:24,815 --> 00:17:26,315
You saved my life.
391
00:17:26,350 --> 00:17:27,516
Of course I did.
392
00:17:27,551 --> 00:17:29,218
You're my best friend.
393
00:17:29,253 --> 00:17:30,519
Hey, listen, I'm-I'm...
394
00:17:30,554 --> 00:17:32,554
I'm sorry I messed everything up today.
395
00:17:32,590 --> 00:17:34,556
It's okay.
396
00:17:34,592 --> 00:17:36,592
I guess I've been kind of a jerk, too.
397
00:17:36,627 --> 00:17:38,594
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
398
00:17:38,629 --> 00:17:40,095
Ah, I deserved it.
399
00:17:40,130 --> 00:17:42,664
I mean, for God's sake,
I sank your car in a lake.
400
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:45,133
And I broke this guy's neck just now.
401
00:17:46,937 --> 00:17:48,103
Yeesh.
402
00:17:48,138 --> 00:17:50,439
But, hey, we cut the legs
off him and dye him brown,
403
00:17:50,474 --> 00:17:51,873
we got ourselves a turkey, right?
404
00:17:51,909 --> 00:17:53,742
No. We've come this far.
405
00:17:53,777 --> 00:17:55,744
Let's do it right.
406
00:17:58,415 --> 00:18:01,316
Hey, you got a tiny head
and a big body.
407
00:18:01,352 --> 00:18:03,352
What if I switched that?
408
00:18:04,555 --> 00:18:05,654
Gotcha!
409
00:18:05,689 --> 00:18:07,089
All right, we did it!
410
00:18:07,124 --> 00:18:08,357
We got ourselves a turkey.
411
00:18:08,392 --> 00:18:09,591
Yeah, but what time is it?
412
00:18:09,627 --> 00:18:11,267
I mean, dinner has to
have started by now.
413
00:18:11,295 --> 00:18:12,694
We're never gonna make it home on foot.
414
00:18:12,730 --> 00:18:14,730
Maybe we don't have to.
415
00:18:19,903 --> 00:18:21,436
We're now arriving in Quahog.
416
00:18:21,472 --> 00:18:23,872
Up on the right are the people
with the awesome trampoline,
417
00:18:23,907 --> 00:18:25,841
but they don't let me on it no more,
418
00:18:25,876 --> 00:18:28,277
'cause I bounced a kid onto the house.
419
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:31,880
There were no squeezable condiments.
420
00:18:31,915 --> 00:18:33,348
Ketchup came in a can.
421
00:18:33,384 --> 00:18:36,385
And, Daddy, what about the pants
that kids today are wearing?
422
00:18:36,420 --> 00:18:38,420
Are they properly sized?
423
00:18:38,455 --> 00:18:39,755
Are we gonna eat soon?
424
00:18:39,790 --> 00:18:40,989
I have an interesting factoid
425
00:18:41,025 --> 00:18:43,058
about what makes you sleepy afterwards.
426
00:18:43,093 --> 00:18:45,093
Yeah, the hell with this.
I'm starving.
427
00:18:46,563 --> 00:18:49,531
Okay, I guess we should eat.
428
00:18:51,969 --> 00:18:53,969
Well, obviously Peter's not here.
429
00:18:54,004 --> 00:18:56,238
So it's fallen to me
to take up the mantle.
430
00:18:56,273 --> 00:18:58,740
Now, I wasn't planning on
doing this today,
431
00:18:58,776 --> 00:19:02,377
but when I look around at all
of these open, loving faces
432
00:19:02,413 --> 00:19:04,012
or friends and family,
433
00:19:04,048 --> 00:19:06,515
I am comfortable enough to finally say
434
00:19:06,550 --> 00:19:09,851
that I am a proud, unashamed, active...
435
00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:12,988
Lois, we're home
and Thanksgiving is saved!
436
00:19:13,023 --> 00:19:14,289
Kidding!
437
00:19:14,325 --> 00:19:16,291
Oh, my God, where the
hell have you been?
438
00:19:16,327 --> 00:19:18,160
And what are you doing
with a live turkey?!
439
00:19:18,195 --> 00:19:20,929
A live turkey who loves Rollerblading.
440
00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:24,599
Our dog drew that.
441
00:19:24,635 --> 00:19:26,768
Peter, we can't eat a live turkey.
442
00:19:26,804 --> 00:19:29,371
Look, Lois, I still got time
to make this right.
443
00:19:29,406 --> 00:19:30,505
And I'm gonna.
444
00:19:30,541 --> 00:19:33,208
Hand me a nine iron
and show me to the backyard.
445
00:19:35,045 --> 00:19:38,113
Well, buddy, I guess this is it.
446
00:19:49,226 --> 00:19:51,126
Aah! Aah!
447
00:19:51,161 --> 00:19:53,228
Wow, I-I...
448
00:19:53,263 --> 00:19:55,230
I read that look wrong.
449
00:19:55,265 --> 00:19:57,032
Ah, geez, I'm sorry.
450
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,667
I wish you didn't have to die,
451
00:19:58,702 --> 00:20:01,036
but a bunch of white people
put on sweaters.
452
00:20:06,477 --> 00:20:08,343
I couldn't do it.
What?
453
00:20:08,379 --> 00:20:09,711
I'm sorry, Lois.
454
00:20:09,747 --> 00:20:11,427
I know you wanted the
perfect Thanksgiving,
455
00:20:11,448 --> 00:20:13,382
and I know I screwed
that all up for you,
456
00:20:13,417 --> 00:20:15,016
but when you think about it,
457
00:20:15,052 --> 00:20:17,619
isn't this holiday about
being with people you love?
458
00:20:17,654 --> 00:20:20,021
I mean, does it really matter
what we eat?
459
00:20:20,057 --> 00:20:21,990
What matters is we're all together.
460
00:20:22,025 --> 00:20:24,192
Family and friends.
461
00:20:24,228 --> 00:20:26,395
And one new friend.
462
00:20:26,430 --> 00:20:28,930
Oh, Peter, that's beautiful.
463
00:20:28,966 --> 00:20:31,800
Lois, can the turkey please
join us for dinner?
464
00:20:31,835 --> 00:20:34,870
Not as the meal, but as our guest?
465
00:20:34,905 --> 00:20:36,671
Of course he can.
466
00:20:36,707 --> 00:20:38,373
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
467
00:20:40,477 --> 00:20:46,081
The man of the house killed
a turkey for Thanksgiving!
468
00:20:47,451 --> 00:20:49,317
Well, looks like we're
having turkey after all.
469
00:20:50,761 --> 00:20:55,761
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry
470
00:20:55,762 --> 00:20:57,922
Four years later, me and Lois
divorced and Stewie died.
471
00:20:59,481 --> 00:21:01,447
Gobble, gobble!