1
00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:10,372
- Hey!
- Hey. Morning, Berta.
2
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,478
Little warning, man at work.
3
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,240
Doing a little banging
and screwing.
4
00:00:16,449 --> 00:00:18,314
Little warning for you.
5
00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:22,852
Woman at bar until 2:00 a.m.
Doing the same thing.
6
00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:24,250
What are you doing?
7
00:00:24,457 --> 00:00:27,255
I am baby-proofing
the house.
8
00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:29,189
It's a requirement
of the adoption agency,
9
00:00:29,396 --> 00:00:30,363
and it's a good thing, too.
10
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:32,656
This here kitchen
is a death trap.
11
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,857
Whole mess of things up in here
that can kill someone.
12
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:39,334
We got knives, we got fire,
poison, scalding hot water,
13
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,905
Alan's leftover fish tacos.
14
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:44,201
You worry too much.
15
00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:47,505
Jake ate a steady diet
of floor wax and detergent,
16
00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:48,942
and he turned out...
17
00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:52,375
Yeah, maybe it's not a bad idea.
18
00:00:52,585 --> 00:00:54,212
I locked all the cabinets
and the drawers,
19
00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,321
put these safety knobs
on the stove,
20
00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:58,081
and if you want to access
any chemicals,
21
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,282
you will need
a special magnetic key.
22
00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:01,824
Oh, by the way,
when you're doing the laundry,
23
00:01:02,028 --> 00:01:04,519
keep your eye out
for a special magnetic key.
24
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,697
Why would you need
to lock the towel drawer?
25
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,427
You hide your pot
in the medicine cabinet.
26
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,003
I'm guessing.
27
00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:14,969
That is no ordinary
towel drawer.
28
00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:18,542
That's the first step
on the stairway to disaster.
29
00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,337
Oh, I'm too hungover
for this crap.
30
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:22,276
Okay, okay.
31
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:26,213
All right, imagine, if you will,
child pulls out the drawer,
32
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:29,650
climbs up onto the counter
and toddles over to the window
33
00:01:29,856 --> 00:01:31,221
that has been left open
34
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:33,858
because Alan finds the smell
of steaming broccoli
35
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:35,425
to be "gaggy."
36
00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:37,691
Whereupon, the child
37
00:01:37,897 --> 00:01:40,331
spots a beautiful kite,
38
00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:44,629
most likely in the shape
of a butterfly or a Pikachu.
39
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,897
The child reaches for the kite,
40
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,938
tumbles out the window,
41
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:51,804
bounces off the awning,
flying through the air,
42
00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:55,742
heading toward certain death,
when, miraculously, it is caught
43
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:59,112
by a shirtless
Matthew McConaughey.
44
00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:02,819
"Don't worry,
your baby's gonna be all right,
45
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:04,649
all right, all right."
46
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,093
Yeah, sure.
47
00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:08,260
You know what,
we got lucky this time,
48
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:11,453
but we can't depend
on McConaughey every time.
49
00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:15,691
Okay, I'm gonna have to start
hiding the pot from you.
50
00:02:15,902 --> 00:02:17,426
Better safe than sorry.
51
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,867
Every stairway, every toilet,
every sharp corner
52
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,768
has been locked,
latched or padded.
53
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,409
No one is getting hurt
in this house.
54
00:02:26,112 --> 00:02:28,342
Hot!
55
00:02:28,548 --> 00:02:30,709
Hot! Hot!
56
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:38,188
All right, all right, all right.
57
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:48,100
Ripped By mstoll
58
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:51,803
So, as you can see,
59
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,666
I installed a gate
at the top of the stairs,
60
00:02:53,873 --> 00:02:55,864
at the bottom of the stairs,
and as an extra precaution,
61
00:02:56,075 --> 00:02:57,872
I put one in the middle
of the stairs.
62
00:02:58,077 --> 00:02:59,442
Overachiever.
63
00:02:59,646 --> 00:03:02,547
I think he's just trying
to keep me from getting away.
64
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:06,050
Well, you did a great job
baby-proofing.
65
00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:07,947
I can't imagine anyone
getting hurt in this house.
66
00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:11,351
Really? Try telling me
I look fat in these jeans.
67
00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:15,488
Okay, flame off, Human Torch.
68
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:18,061
So...
So, what do we do next?
69
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,697
Ow, well, it's pretty simple.
70
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:21,127
I walk out onto the deck,
71
00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:23,029
you put a pile of hundreds
on the table,
72
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:24,760
I come back,
slip them into my purse,
73
00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:26,268
and you get a kid.
74
00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:30,806
I have $5,000 in the bottom
of a toolbox in the garage.
75
00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:32,034
I was joking.
76
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:33,735
As was I.
77
00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:37,574
Anyway...
I wasn't gonna say anything
78
00:03:37,784 --> 00:03:39,411
until you guys passed
the inspection,
79
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:41,416
but it looks like
we may have found
80
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,054
a potential match
for the two of you.
81
00:03:45,191 --> 00:03:47,955
We're...
We're getting a baby.
82
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,185
Are you serious?
This is unbelievable.
83
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:50,521
Well, slow down;
all that's happened so far
84
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:52,925
is a pregnant mother has seen
your profile and wants to meet you.
85
00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:55,327
Somebody saw my profile
and wants to meet me?
86
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:59,068
That's so different
than the dating sites.
87
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:00,398
I can't believe this.
88
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:01,938
Who is she?
Where is she from?
89
00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:03,802
How old is she? Is she
having a boy or a girl?
90
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:05,443
Wait, no. La! La! La!
91
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:07,078
I don't want to know.
I want to be surprised.
92
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,611
Walden, you're getting ahead
of yourself.
93
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:11,181
Did you say girl?
I thought I heard you say girl.
94
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,911
Wait, no, you know what?
Doesn't matter.
95
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,553
Ten fingers and ten toes...
96
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:17,814
That's all that matters.
97
00:04:18,024 --> 00:04:19,753
Are you not saying anything
'cause it's a boy?
98
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:22,223
Oh, my God, we're having a boy!
99
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,191
Okay, Walden,
when you meet the mother,
100
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:26,695
you want to come off
as a calm, stable father.
101
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,224
Not like a 14-year-old girl
102
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,299
at a Justin Bieber concert.
103
00:04:30,503 --> 00:04:31,697
Sorry,
we're just really excited.
104
00:04:31,904 --> 00:04:33,394
No, I get it.
I'm excited for you.
105
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:35,267
I'll call you
when the meeting is set up.
106
00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:36,669
And by the way,
107
00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,776
I think you look fantastic
in those jeans.
108
00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:40,639
Girl, we are gonna be BFFs.
109
00:04:44,083 --> 00:04:45,243
We're gonna have a baby.
110
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:46,748
We're gonna have a baby.
111
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,147
We're gonna have a baby.
112
00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:50,288
We're gonna have a baby!
113
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,185
We're gonna have a baby!
114
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:54,587
We have to celebrate. I'll go to
the garage and get some champagne.
115
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,762
Great! We're gonna have a baby!
116
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,157
We're gonna have a...
117
00:04:58,364 --> 00:05:00,229
Wait, we don't have champagne
in the garage.
118
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:02,731
My toolbox!
Alan!
119
00:05:07,273 --> 00:05:08,433
Here.
120
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,609
I got this for you.
121
00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:14,410
- Why?
- I think it would be nice
122
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,605
if we wore matching sweaters
to meet the birth mom.
123
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:17,805
Twinsies.
124
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:19,314
We're supposed to be
a married couple,
125
00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:21,749
not half of
a barbershop quartet.
126
00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:24,115
Can't we be both?
127
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:33,965
You were flat.
128
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:37,395
So, the mom...
you think she's hot?
129
00:05:38,237 --> 00:05:40,034
She's nine months pregnant!
130
00:05:40,239 --> 00:05:41,263
I know.
131
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:43,601
Love me some preggos.
132
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,671
Thirty eight, 62, 38.
133
00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:49,245
Baby got back and front.
134
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:51,650
Okay, listen.
135
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,445
If we want this girl
to give us her baby,
136
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:56,451
she has to think that
we're a well-adjusted couple.
137
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,453
If she gets a creepy vibe
off of you,
138
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,182
she's gonna turn and run
the other way.
139
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:01,360
And I'm only saying this
140
00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:03,552
'cause I'm getting a creepy vibe
off of you.
141
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,463
Says the guy who Googled
"Helen Mirren nip slip."
142
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,466
Helen is timeless.
143
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,969
Now, listen.
If you mess this up for me,
144
00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:16,004
I will make your life
a living hell.
145
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,177
Now, remember,
we love each other.
146
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:24,775
Hello, Mama.
147
00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:28,451
- Hi.
- Hi, you must be Kathy.
148
00:06:28,654 --> 00:06:32,112
Yes... Welcome to
our Malibu dream house.
149
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:33,314
He's Ken.
150
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:35,824
Oh, I guess that
makes me Barbie.
151
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,189
I'm Walden.
This is Alan.
152
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,593
Come in.
153
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,995
- Here, can I take your coat?
- Thank you.
154
00:06:44,804 --> 00:06:47,398
Wow! Look at you!
155
00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:49,541
So very pregnant.
156
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:50,731
Coat.
157
00:06:50,943 --> 00:06:52,604
I know.
158
00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:54,677
I haven't seen
my feet since July.
159
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,644
Am I wearing matching shoes?
160
00:06:56,849 --> 00:06:59,682
Uh... Actually, no.
161
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:01,717
But you know what?
It works. It's cute.
162
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:02,945
Please sit.
163
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,885
Yeah, please.
How you feeling?
164
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,183
My ankles are swollen,
165
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:08,622
my back hurts,
and forget about my breasts.
166
00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:11,319
I haven't even noticed,
you know, 'cause I'm gay.
167
00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:13,431
That's...
168
00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,191
That's my rainbow warrior.
169
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:17,528
Always waving his flag.
170
00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:19,568
Even when it relates to nothing.
171
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:23,402
So... tell us about Kathy.
172
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,304
I think the first thing
you should know about me
173
00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:28,275
is this is not representative
of who I am.
174
00:07:28,481 --> 00:07:30,676
See, I just graduated from UCLA.
175
00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:34,148
The baby is a result
of a spring break trip to Vegas.
176
00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:36,651
Ah. I guess what happens
in Vegas
177
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,585
stays in Kathy.
178
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:42,484
Yep, took me about six weeks
to figure out
179
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:43,684
that my morning sickness
180
00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:46,330
wasn't just
a really bad hangover.
181
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:47,692
Well, we all make mistakes.
182
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,959
One morning,
I woke up married to this one.
183
00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:55,038
See, bottom line, this wasn't
part of my five-year plan.
184
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:57,471
You know, law school,
clerk for a judge,
185
00:07:57,677 --> 00:07:58,735
start my own practice.
186
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:00,640
Wow. That's impressive.
187
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:02,212
Alan's son, Jake,
188
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,576
had a five-year plan
for the tenth grade.
189
00:08:06,085 --> 00:08:07,882
See, that's why I liked
your profile.
190
00:08:08,087 --> 00:08:09,520
You have parenting experience.
191
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:11,849
Your sense of humor
came through.
192
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:13,616
And I kind of love
that you're gay.
193
00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:15,589
Not as much as we do.
194
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,023
Right, Wally Bear?
195
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,289
That's right, Alley Cat.
196
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:23,533
Even though I'm not gonna
be part of the baby's life,
197
00:08:23,736 --> 00:08:25,966
I like the idea of being
the only mom.
198
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,935
I can totally understand that.
199
00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:30,836
Probably because my mom was an
ice-cold, sharp-tongue alcoholic
200
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:34,103
who preferred shopping and spas
over spending time with me.
201
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:36,975
And I can
totally understand that.
202
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,673
So, tell me about you.
203
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:41,046
What made you guys decide
to start a family?
204
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,451
Well, raising my son
205
00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:46,216
was one of the greatest
experiences of my life,
206
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,723
and I just wanted Walden
to feel that same joy.
207
00:08:49,762 --> 00:08:51,525
Yeah, I mean, for me
it's a couple reasons.
208
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:54,325
L... I felt like something
was missing in my life,
209
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,229
and I wanted to give back,
210
00:08:56,435 --> 00:09:00,132
and having a kid will allow me
to drive in the carpool lane.
211
00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:04,204
It's nice to laugh again.
212
00:09:04,410 --> 00:09:06,844
Except I just peed a little
on your sofa.
213
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:08,238
I'll get you something.
214
00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:10,711
Oh, actually,
I got something right here.
215
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:16,512
- The baby just kicked.
- I felt it.
216
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:19,987
Looks like someone's got
a little soccer star in there.
217
00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:21,989
God, you smell good.
218
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,057
Alan, you want to come up
for some air?
219
00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:27,357
Sorry.
220
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,397
Just got excited.
221
00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:31,035
About the baby.
222
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,568
Sure.
223
00:09:33,339 --> 00:09:34,499
So... Kathy.
224
00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:36,566
Do you know
if it's a boy or a girl?
225
00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:38,300
I don't, but your profile said
226
00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:40,536
you didn't have
a gender preference, right?
227
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:44,807
Oh, that's right.
Just like me in my 20s.
228
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:46,814
You guys crack me up.
229
00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:48,111
You're gonna make great dads.
230
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:51,620
World's greatest, according
the coffee mugs I bought.
231
00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:55,089
Well, that's good,
because I made up my mind.
232
00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:56,591
I want you to have my baby.
233
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:58,161
- No!
- Yes.
234
00:09:58,364 --> 00:09:59,956
Oh, my God!
You did not just say that!
235
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:01,565
You bitch!
236
00:10:02,401 --> 00:10:03,493
Thank you, Kathy.
237
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:04,829
Thank you, Vegas.
238
00:10:05,037 --> 00:10:07,096
Thank you, broken condom.
239
00:10:07,306 --> 00:10:08,500
Well, you can thank
two-for-one tequila shots
240
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,767
at the Tropicana.
241
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,376
Let's not forget
this little guy.
242
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,775
Do you feel it moving?
243
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,609
I can feel it growing.
244
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:25,823
Okay, best shower gift:
245
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:28,323
Barry. Baby's first bong.
246
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:30,888
Yep.
And just like the kid's diaper,
247
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:33,463
it's full of stinky green stuff.
248
00:10:33,666 --> 00:10:35,190
The pizza's on its way.
249
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:37,164
In the meantime,
who wants a beer?
250
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,964
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.
251
00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:41,696
There we go.
252
00:10:41,907 --> 00:10:44,671
Walden, you are gonna
make a great dad.
253
00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:45,844
- Hey.
- And, Alan,
254
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:50,242
you've already raised Jake,
so I guess just... Do the opposite.
255
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,149
I still can't believe
it's even possible
256
00:10:54,353 --> 00:10:56,048
for two men to have a baby.
257
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:57,722
What an age we live in.
258
00:10:57,923 --> 00:10:59,914
Science, right?
259
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:05,327
Larry, we're... we're not
actually having a baby.
260
00:11:05,531 --> 00:11:06,998
We're adopting.
261
00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:09,633
Ah, shooting blanks, huh?
262
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:12,664
Well, I guess
if Alan gets pregnant,
263
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:14,430
you'll know he's been
cheating on you.
264
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,205
So you two are
really married, huh?
265
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:19,742
Yep.
Yeah, crazy, isn't it?
266
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:21,606
No, I'll tell you what's crazy.
267
00:11:21,814 --> 00:11:23,645
You have never
hit on me once, Walden.
268
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,840
I mean, we worked together
every day, side by side,
269
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,043
and not so much as
a lingering glance
270
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,415
or a "Gee, you look
nice today, Barry.
271
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:31,920
You lost a little weight, Barry?
272
00:11:32,124 --> 00:11:35,093
Those cargo shorts really
flatter your calves, Barry."
273
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:39,253
No, man. We got married
so I could adopt a baby.
274
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:41,160
We're a pretend couple.
275
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:44,200
It's kind of like your
"girlfriend in Canada."
276
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:47,895
Okay, Olivia is real.
277
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:51,076
I mean, just... Okay, look at
these nude photos she sent me.
278
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,542
That's Jennifer Lawrence.
279
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,642
She gets that all the time.
280
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:00,552
In a couple days,
I'm gonna be a dad.
281
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,015
I'm gonna be
completely responsible
282
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,657
for the emotional
and financial well-being
283
00:12:06,859 --> 00:12:08,349
of someone who is
completely incapable
284
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,461
of taking care of themselves.
285
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:12,722
Thank you for being
my test baby.
286
00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:16,364
I'd keep my fingers
crossed for a boy.
287
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,400
- Why?
- Well, basic math.
288
00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:20,538
If you have a boy, you only
have to worry about one penis.
289
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,004
You have a girl, you have
to worry about them all.
290
00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:27,207
Either way,
you're gonna love it.
291
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:30,143
Being a father is
the best thing in the world.
292
00:12:30,349 --> 00:12:32,249
- How old are your kids?
- Well, my son is 15
293
00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:34,646
and my secret daughter
is going to be 11 this year.
294
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,314
Your... Your secret daughter?
295
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:41,357
Yeah, she looks a lot
like my secret wife.
296
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:49,127
You know, kids are amazing.
297
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:51,997
You know? You get to pass
all this knowledge down
298
00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:54,900
to this little person and...
and shape their mind.
299
00:12:55,107 --> 00:12:56,802
Like, you know,
how to talk to girls
300
00:12:57,009 --> 00:12:59,204
and how to be there for
your friends when they need you.
301
00:12:59,411 --> 00:13:00,844
Oh, you can teach them
your ability
302
00:13:01,046 --> 00:13:04,447
to always be in the bathroom
whenever the dinner check comes.
303
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:08,582
That's pure instinct.
304
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,756
Can't be taught.
305
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:12,856
Mm.
306
00:13:13,058 --> 00:13:15,788
You know, all my memories
revolve around my dad.
307
00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:19,123
The time he threw my Tamagotchi
down the garbage disposal.
308
00:13:19,331 --> 00:13:21,799
Time he made a pass
at my prom date.
309
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:25,835
Time he divorced my mom
and married my prom date.
310
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:30,765
Guys. Guys, it's
the hospital.
311
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,035
Oh, if it's one of
my patients, I'm not here.
312
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,340
Don't worry. If I'm your
kid's doctor, I won't do that.
313
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,478
It's what you say.
314
00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:40,945
Kathy's in labor!
315
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:42,984
- We got to go!
- I'll get an Uber.
316
00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:44,918
- I'll go grab the car seat.
- I'll get the diaper bag.
317
00:13:45,124 --> 00:13:47,957
Oh, God, that's the pizza guy.
318
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,149
Hey, Alan,
319
00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:52,524
- could you pay the pizza guy?
- I'm in the bathroom!
320
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:54,892
How does he do it?
321
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:01,872
Hey, you know,
I... I appreciate you guys coming,
322
00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:03,598
but you really
don't have to stay.
323
00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:05,470
Are you kidding?
We want to be here.
324
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:06,667
You know what they say.
325
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:09,814
"To raise a child, it
takes the Village People."
326
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,039
Hey, guys?
327
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:12,911
I think I may have
gotten way too high.
328
00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:15,279
Can somebody take me
to the hospital?
329
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:16,886
You're in a hospital.
330
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,826
Oh! How'd you do that?
331
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,591
I wonder why
we haven't heard anything.
332
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,458
They took Kathy to the delivery
room, like, an hour ago.
333
00:14:26,665 --> 00:14:28,826
Sometimes the baby just
doesn't want to come out.
334
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,524
I mean, put yourself
in its position.
335
00:14:30,736 --> 00:14:31,862
For nine months,
you've been floating
336
00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:33,333
in the world's nicest waterbed.
337
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,337
Then somebody opens a trap door,
all the water flows out,
338
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:39,272
a set of salad tongs grabs you
by the head and yanks you out,
339
00:14:39,478 --> 00:14:40,911
and then some guy
you never seen before
340
00:14:41,113 --> 00:14:43,343
starts slapping you on the ass.
341
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,881
Reminds me of a trip
I took to Tijuana once.
342
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:50,183
Aw, look at how cute
that one is.
343
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:53,119
Yeah, she's got
a nice rack, too.
344
00:14:53,325 --> 00:14:54,314
What are you looking at?
345
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:56,926
The hot nurse.
What are you looking at?
346
00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:58,460
That baby.
347
00:14:58,664 --> 00:15:01,531
You guys are sick.
348
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,871
So have you guys decided
on a name for the baby yet?
349
00:15:06,205 --> 00:15:07,763
- No, not yet.
- No.
350
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:10,407
It's such a big responsibility.
I don't want to give him a name
351
00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:11,769
that other kids can make fun of.
352
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:14,377
Well, bad news.
Every name can be made fun of.
353
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,480
- That's not true.
- Really?
354
00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:18,149
How's your pond, Walden?
355
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:22,716
It's an intellectual insult,
but it still stings.
356
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:27,183
I was "Larry the fairy"
all through high school.
357
00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:30,255
No way!
I was "Barry the fairy."
358
00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:32,828
Somebody noticed
that you could rearrange
359
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:34,659
the letters of "Alan,"
and I became
360
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,097
"Little Anal Harper."
361
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:39,533
My name's "Herb."
Kids skipped the clever puns
362
00:15:39,738 --> 00:15:42,138
and just shoved my head
down a toilet.
363
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:43,808
Well, I'm sure
there are plenty of names
364
00:15:44,009 --> 00:15:45,943
that kids can't
make jokes about.
365
00:15:46,145 --> 00:15:48,409
Mr. And Mr. Harper-Schmidt?
366
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:49,911
Yeah, nothing to
worry about there.
367
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:53,141
Just the hyphenated last name
of the two gay dads.
368
00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:54,376
So how's Kathy?
369
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:58,078
She's doing fine.
So is your brand-new baby boy.
370
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,758
Oh, my God, we got a boy!
371
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,451
I get a do-over for Jake!
372
00:16:03,662 --> 00:16:06,290
I only have to worry
about one penis!
373
00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:08,466
I like to wear
women's underwear!
374
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:09,827
What?
375
00:16:11,203 --> 00:16:13,899
I thought we were
confessing things.
376
00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:16,897
There he is.
377
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,273
He's got your nose
and Alan's eyes.
378
00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:26,078
Larry, I told you before that...
379
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:29,783
Thank you, Larry.
380
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,014
Look at him.
He's so amazing.
381
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:33,714
I can't think of
anything more beautiful
382
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:35,257
than what I'm looking
at right now.
383
00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:37,827
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
It's true, that's the truth.
384
00:16:38,030 --> 00:16:39,895
But how much more
beautiful would it be
385
00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:42,294
if those two nurses just
started making out right now?
386
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:50,837
Hey.
387
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:52,305
How you doing?
388
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:54,001
I'm good.
389
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:55,510
Tired.
390
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:57,045
Sore.
391
00:16:57,249 --> 00:16:59,683
Look at this little guy.
392
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:01,318
Can I hold him?
393
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,817
Sure.
394
00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:09,616
Oh, he is the cutest thing ever.
395
00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:12,490
Hey, hey... high-five.
396
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,722
You can owe me.
397
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,662
Welcome to the world,
little buddy.
398
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,098
We're gonna have so much fun.
399
00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:21,431
We're gonna go to
ball games together
400
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,130
and go swimming together
401
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:27,108
and pick up chick... ens
together.
402
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:29,109
Smile. Come on.
403
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:30,338
Okay, uh...
404
00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:33,646
Oh oh, oh, look at that picture.
405
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:36,480
The two most handsome
men in the world.
406
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,053
And they're both mine.
407
00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:39,949
Oh, oh, oh.
408
00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:42,753
- What's the matter?
- Maybe he wants his mommy.
409
00:17:42,961 --> 00:17:44,155
All right.
Come here, little buddy.
410
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,456
I think he might be hungry.
411
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:49,031
Of course.
Oh, yeah, of course.
412
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:50,633
Okay, here.
413
00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:52,997
There.
414
00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:55,799
I miss him already.
415
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,976
Yeah, it's hard to let him go.
416
00:18:00,112 --> 00:18:02,205
Actually, it's impossible.
417
00:18:03,348 --> 00:18:04,440
Oh.
418
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:06,641
I am so sorry.
419
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:09,851
Wait. What...
What just happened?
420
00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:12,187
Did I... Did I
miss something?
421
00:18:14,393 --> 00:18:15,860
She's keeping the baby.
422
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:20,459
But what... What
about law school?
423
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:22,395
The... The five-year plan?
424
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:24,694
After I saw this little guy...
425
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:27,534
...the plan changed.
426
00:18:29,074 --> 00:18:33,477
I mean, before, I couldn't
imagine my life with him.
427
00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:36,671
Now I can't imagine it
without him.
428
00:18:36,882 --> 00:18:39,316
But... But he's gonna
be a great dad.
429
00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:40,712
Alan...
No, no. He... He loves him.
430
00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:42,819
Alan, it's...
431
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:45,182
Okay, let's... Let's just
approach this practically.
432
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,615
How much for the kid?
I have...
433
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,526
I have $32 on me.
434
00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:51,161
I'm gonna need three dollars
for dinner at AmPm,
435
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:54,526
- but the rest is yours.
- Believe me, I feel terrible.
436
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,360
You feel terrible?
437
00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:58,934
We're... We're gonna be driving
home with an empty car seat.
438
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,163
And you know what's waiting
for us when we get there?
439
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:03,398
An empty nursery.
An empty crib.
440
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:04,871
An empty...
441
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:07,807
What's that Swedish thing
that you wear like a pouch,
442
00:19:08,013 --> 00:19:10,277
to carry your baby
around like a kangaroo?
443
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:12,712
- Björn.
- An empty Björn!
444
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:15,284
An empty blue Baby Björn!
445
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,887
Hard to say,
but even harder to face.
446
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,217
Alan, just... stop.
447
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:22,793
It's okay.
448
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:26,390
I wouldn't be able
to give him up either,
449
00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:27,860
so I don't blame you.
450
00:19:28,066 --> 00:19:29,124
Really?
451
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,302
I get it.
You're his mom.
452
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,630
I'm so sorry to put you
through all this.
453
00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,136
Don't be sorry.
454
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,740
He's... lucky.
455
00:19:37,943 --> 00:19:40,912
You're both...
very lucky.
456
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:45,809
This man is a saint.
457
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,042
A damn saint.
458
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:48,844
Let's go.
459
00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:51,450
Say good-bye, Elliot.
460
00:19:51,657 --> 00:19:53,522
- More like "Smelliot."
- Alan.
461
00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,889
You doing okay?
462
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,296
Yeah.
463
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,636
Can you show me
the picture of him?
464
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:07,429
Please, don't put yourself
through this.
465
00:20:07,639 --> 00:20:09,504
Come on, just one more time.
466
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,198
Okay.
467
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:13,207
Here.
468
00:20:15,914 --> 00:20:17,882
Look at him.
469
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:19,778
He's perfect.
470
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:26,315
I'm sorry this didn't work out
as planned.
471
00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:28,959
He still owes me a high-five.
472
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,624
Don't worry.
473
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:33,320
We'll find our kid.
474
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,666
I know.
475
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:41,327
In the meantime,
you're still married to me.
476
00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:45,602
Yes, I am.
477
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:51,041
Why couldn't Kathy take you
and give me the baby?
478
00:20:54,200 --> 00:21:02,200
Ripped By mstoll