Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
Hey, hon, it looks like someone finally bought the Anderson house.
Well, I hope the new neighbors are a lot nicer.
Did you know the Andersons demanded I give them my casserole dish?
You mean the one they loaned you and you never returned?
I'm sorry, I did not realize I was talking to an Anderson!
Can I have $10 to buy diamonds?
Where are you getting diamonds for $10?
Probably the same place where your dad bought my engagement ring.
Which I wouldn't trade for anything.
They shove a lot of love into that tiny stone.
I'm not asking for real diamonds.
It's so I can level up in the diamond kingdom game on your tablet.
Well, honey, just enjoy the free diamond kingdom levels
like your father and I do.
But I've already beaten all those levels.
How did you do it?
Every time I get to the drawbridge on the first level,
the hypno-troll puts my wizard into a trance.
He gets swirly eyes.
You can't beat the hypno-troll?
Oh, mommy.
Good morning, Tyler.
Here, grab a plate. I'll get you some breakfast.
Don't have time. Egg on hand.
Well, it's better than when he did it with the hot soup.
Since I've been taking accelerated classes
to graduate early and join the BMX circuit,
I don't have time for anything else.
I barely have time for the one thing that matters most in the world.
Your hair.
Didn't I just say that?
You have to take care of your hair.
It helps people.
Like that girl who almost fell into a manhole but saw your hair and stopped.
I know.
My hair got to meet the mayor.
But now I don't even have time to comb it.
I wish I had someone to take care of all the things I don't have time for.
Give me a job helping you.
I need the money to buy diamonds.
Chloe, the only place you can afford diamonds
is where dad bought mom's engagement ring.
And the mall shut down that kiosk.
It didn't shut down.
They're just selling seasonal sausage right now.
No, I mean diamonds for my game.
In that case, I'll consider hiring you,
but first I need to make sure you have what it takes.
Let's say I'm late for school and I only have 10 seconds to get dressed.
Which shirt do you choose?
Trick question. You look great in everything.
And?
You don't care if you're late for school.
And? No one else wants the job.
Perfect. You're hired.
Now go grab me a shirt.
You got it, boss.
Not bad, but try saying it like a New Jersey tough guy.
You got it, boss.
This is gonna work.
It looks like Tyler and Chloe are too busy
to welcome the new neighbors, so I guess it's up to me.
I'm gonna go leave a little present for them
on their front lawn.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to eat this elegant fruit basket
and then go poop on their front lawn.
I know...
What are you guys all aflutter about?
I don't flutter.
I circle like a bird of prey.
You know that freaks me out!
Anyway, we're talking about the new girl Heather.
Oh, yeah, my parents said her family
just moved into the neighborhood, but
I haven't had the chance to meet her yet.
I heard she's really stylish.
I heard she's really pretty.
I heard she's really a cyborg sent from the future.
At least I hope so.
A cyborg rampage is just what this two-bit town needs to put it on the map.
Oh, hey, that must be her.
She's really stylish.
She's really pretty.
She's really doing a good job hiding her robotic exoskeleton
under a layer of human-like skin.
Well played, cyborg.
We'd better enlist her into our little group
before the chess club reels her in, they're always three moves ahead of us.
Hi, I'm Avery.
You must be Heather.
Yes, I must, until I'm 18 and can legally change my name to "leave me alone."
Oh, that's fun.
I'm Lindsay.
And I'm Max.
Big cyborg fan.
If you want to keep me as a pet
after you guys take over, I'm totally cool with that.
So welcome to west Pasadena high.
We'd be happy to show you around, introduce you to my really cool brother.
No time to meet anyone!
Good riding, boss!
I have no idea who those people are.
Look, I find it best to be clear up front.
We're not friends.
We're not gonna be friends.
If we are trapped on a desert island together, I'd leave.
Like this.
She's not even pretending to swim.
They are still unloading the moving van?
How much stuff could the new neighbors have?
Is that a bagpipe he's carrying or a cat in a sweater?
I don't know.
I still don't know.
Come on, what do you say we go introduce ourselves?
No, no, no, no.
Ellen, think about what happens every time
we become friends with our neighbors, huh?
Eventually it goes bad and then when they see us
getting the mail or mowing the lawn, we have to avoid them by pretending
we're going through a personal crisis.
All right, all right.
We'll stay away from these new neighbors
and there'll never be any awkwardness.
We'll avoid them completely.
Like my cousins in irvine.
Yes. Or my aunt Tina.
Or my mother's side of the family.
Or those guys I used to play golf with.
Or the three book clubs I dropped out of.
Okay, but this is going to be hard.
I know. We're such friendly people.
I know.
Watch out, Mason.
There's the hypno-troll.
Use the gnome jelly and turn yourself into a mirror.
Yes!
You made him hypnotize himself!
Of course.
Gnome jelly.
All right, Chloe, it's time to get back to work.
Sorry, Mason, I have to go to work
so I can make money to buy diamonds for my video game.
You have a job?
You are a kid, right?
Hey, you wouldn't buy me the diamonds.
Sisters got to do for themselves.
Okay.
I have to go to the bathroom and do for myself.
Wait.
Mason, that's not the way to the bath...
You love his free spirit, Chloe.
Don't try to control it.
All right, I'm gonna start studying
so I need you to do the things I don't have time for.
Is one of them trimming your long nose hairs?
What? I don't have long nose hairs.
You should see it from where I'm standing.
It's like an octopus coming down a chimney.
Look, just go get me a snack.
You got it, boss. Chloe.
You got it, boss!
I love it.
Okay, Tyler, time to take me for my afternoon walk.
I'm too busy studying right now, Stan.
It'll have to wait.
I need my exercise, Tyler.
It's not like I can take a yoga class, since Rachel jacked up the price!
Wow, that's amazing.
Here's the best part.
Those breadsticks are really fun
to stick into your upper lip and pretend you're a walrus.
Way ahead of you.
Now take Stan for a walk.
You got it, boss.
You're gonna be very happy with your performance review.
How did I get up here?
Hold up. Why are you working for Tyler?
He's paying me to do things he doesn't have time for.
Oh, like trim his nose hairs, I hope?
It's like a mop dangling from a gutter spout.
Right?
Or some spaghetti being squeezed out of a drain pi-uuhhhhh...
What's a drain pi-uuhhhhh?
No, Chloe, over there, look.
She is the most amazing creature I've ever seen.
Words can't describe how beautiful she is.
But these cartoon sound effects can.
Hello.
I'm Stan.
I like your puffy parts.
Hey, she didn't leave.
Usually that line doesn't work so well.
Her name is princess.
There's a phone number here.
We should call her owners to come get her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
She's not going anywhere.
She's the love of my life.
And stop petting her. I saw her first.
You can date her, I can pet her.
We can make this work.
So were you bred here in Pasadena?
Ooh, big moment.
The two most important ladies in my life are about to meet.
Avery, princess.
Princess, Avery.
Hello, princess.
Paw.
She's not being rude.
We just have to work on that.
Well, she's beautiful, Stan.
Oh, I hope you get along with her owners
'cause things are getting pretty serious over here.
You guys may be spending a lot of time together.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for me to offer princess dessert.
A choice of squirrel, creme brulee, or tiramisu.
I hope she picks squirrel.
I don't have the other two.
So who are her owners?
Oh, Chloe called them.
They're on their way over.
I think they're our new neighbors.
New neighbors?
Don't be Heather, don't be Heather, don't be... Heather!
Where's my dog?
How did I get out here?
What's going on here?
We found your dog wandering the neighborhood.
And you're pretending they're on a date with an orange monkey as the waiter?
That is weird.
No, not at all.
We're pretending the monkey is an actor
who's just doing this until he gets his big break.
But I think our dogs like each other.
Isn't it sweet?
It's gross.
I don't want my purebred show dog consorting with a common, mangy mutt.
I'll have you know
I've been mangefree since I switched shampoos.
It's also why I smell like papaya.
Keep your mongrel away from my princess and stay out of my face!
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I'll stay out of your face!
That's right, I'm flustered.
Avery, this is terrible.
The love of my life is gone.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
It's only been a couple seconds.
And in those couple seconds, have you seen me eat or sleep?
I got the mail.
Did you fight a bear for it?
Worse.
I was trying to stay away from the new neighbors like we agreed,
but they were outside and almost saw me.
So I jumped over a fence, landed in a bush,
and found out where the raccoons sleep.
And what they do when a woman falls on them.
Ooh, a dollar off a car wash.
I was waiting for that.
Oh, look, trust me, Ellen.
Keeping our distance from the new neighbors
is going to be worth it in the long run.
What are you doing?
Oh, you can't just walk around out there.
What if the new neighbors tried to talk to you?
Did you practice screaming at them in a nonsense language
and running away like we talked about?
I don't have time for this.
You want some coffee?
Yeah.
Okay, Chloe, I have to study, but I can't study when my hair looks this bad.
You know what you have to do.
Coming right up.
I think I'll go with the number nine long handle.
Big Pete.
Excellent choice, sir.
Ow! Twist and flutter!
Twist and flutter!
Did you learn nothing from the instructional training videos
you watched when I hired you?
Hello again.
If you've made it this far, you've learnt how to wash up
and get ready to touch Tyler's hair.
Are you ready for the big moment?
Oh, Gladys.
Thank you, Gladys.
Mom, would you please leave?
So step one.
How was I, honey?
How did you have time to make training videos
and you don't have time to comb your hair?
I'm terrible at time management.
That's why I need an assistant.
Bored.
Mason, I'm busy working.
You're always working.
I'm sorry, Tyler. I have to talk to Mason.
What's our policy about private conversations on company time?
I don't know.
All the videos were about your hair.
Then I guess you can talk to him.
Mason, you can't interrupt me at work.
This job is important to me.
I miss playing with you.
I miss playing with you, too.
But I just don't have time.
I need an assistant like Tyler has.
I know. I'll be your assistant.
Bored.
I miss playing with you.
I'm sorry.
My job is important to me.
Ow!
Be careful with my hair.
Didn't you watch the videos?
Welcome back.
I hope the chapter on emergency brushing didn't scare you too much.
Now let's discuss some of the more advanced brush work.
How did I get here?
Stan, what's wrong?
You haven't looked this sad since they decided pluto wasn't a planet.
It was the only planet named after a dog, Avery.
The only one!
But this is even worse.
I went to take princess out on our second date,
but her nasty, rotten owner locked her up and told me to scat.
At first I was gonna lay down some...
But then I realized that's probably not what she meant.
I'm sorry.
But maybe it's just not meant to be with you and princess.
Maybe it's time to move on.
I can't.
I've never felt this way before.
But, Stan, you've dated every dog in Pasadena,
including a few who looked suspiciously possumy.
Oh.
So what's so special about princess?
Usually I can't connect with other dogs because they don't talk.
But it's different with princess.
We connect in a way that I've never experienced before.
Wow, you're really serious.
Please, Avery, can't you just make friends with Heather?
Then she'll let princess and me be together.
I can't make friends with Heather.
She's evil. She spits bats.
Her blood is acid.
And she blew me off in the quad.
Okay, only one of those things is true.
Please, do whatever it takes.
You have to make her like you so I can be with princess.
All right, Stan.
I see how much this means to you.
So I promise I'll try and figure something out.
Oh, thank you, Avery.
'Cause I can't go back to dating possums.
Every time the check comes, they play dead.
Oh, come on!
We've got to find a way to get Heather to like us.
Why is it so important to you?
It's not for me.
It's for Stan.
He really loves her dog.
That's so sweet.
Max, you don't usually gush over stuff like this.
Not the dumb dogs, I have candy stuck in my teeth.
If only we knew more about her, what her interests are, what she likes.
Oh, well, I know one thing, she didn't join chess club,
but she did join the glee club.
Glee club?
That's it.
We could do a musical number for her.
She'll appreciate that we made an effort
to do something she likes and want to be friends with us.
That's nuts.
You have nuts stuck in your teeth, too?
No.
Hi!
Gross.
I said I don't want to be friends.
But you joined the glee club.
You love musical numbers, right?
I love doing them, not watching people do them.
So, goodbye.
So there's no audition for the glee club, is there?
They just let anybody in.
Yeah.
I didn't get in.
The neighbors are coming up the walk!
I saw them out the window!
They have a casserole!
Let's get out of here! There's no time!
Hit the deck! What?
Please go away.
Please leave the casserole dish.
Honey, what are we doing?
We're going to all this trouble
to avoid some potential awkwardness down the line.
And it couldn't be any more awkward than it is right now.
You're right, Bennett.
Let's just open the door and talk to them.
I think that's the mature thing to do.
They're gone.
Yes!
A new casserole dish!
Vegan lasagna?
What did we do to them?
Chloe, this isn't working.
I wanted you to be my assistant but you wanted to play with Mason.
Well, maybe you should fire me and I'll fire Mason.
That's a good idea.
But first, can you fix this?
How did I get in here?
He has a free spirit, Tyler.
Don't try to control it.
Well, no need to hide from the neighbors anymore.
Yeah, we realized we were making things awkward
by trying to avoid having things be awkward.
So we decided to go over and talk to them.
So everything is gonna be okay?
No, it's very awkward.
Apparently, Avery embarrassed their daughter at school
with some crazy song and dance number.
And now they want nothing to do with any of us.
And why is Mason inside your shirt?
What is wrong with our kids?
It makes no sense.
We're so normal.
Hey, how'd it go with Heather?
Are you guys friends?
Can I go see princess?
I did everything I could, Stan.
We even tried to connect over the fact that she joined the glee club.
Well, did you do a production number?
Yes.
Did you have back-up dancers?
Yes.
Did you leave it all on the dance floor?
Yes!
Then you've done everything.
I'm sorry, Stan.
I can't believe this is happening.
You know, sometimes the most painful thing is love.
You were there for me when Wes moved away and I'm here for you now.
Don't worry, I haven't given up on princess.
Somehow, someway, someday, we'll be together.
Until then she can hear me from Avery's window.
So I'll be sending my love through song.
There she is.
Hey, why is everyone howling?
This isn't for you!
We're having a moment here!
You write a love song and every dog thinks it's about them.