1
00:00:01,715 --> 00:00:03,615
(bellowing)
2
00:00:03,651 --> 00:00:05,083
Yee-haw-ho-ho!
3
00:00:06,453 --> 00:00:08,453
(school bell ringing)
4
00:00:10,991 --> 00:00:12,858
(bears growling)
5
00:00:13,861 --> 00:00:15,861
(whistle blows)
6
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:19,885
♪ The Simpsons 26x09 ♪
I Won't Be Home for Christmas
Original Air Date on Dec
7
00:00:19,909 --> 00:00:26,409
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
8
00:00:27,541 --> 00:00:31,376
(playing "Jingle Bells")
9
00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:34,379
(playing bluesy riff)
10
00:00:40,888 --> 00:00:42,888
♪ ♪
11
00:00:53,801 --> 00:00:55,467
(growls)
12
00:00:56,937 --> 00:00:59,404
(snarling)
13
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,607
(squawking)
14
00:01:01,642 --> 00:01:04,042
(cats yowling)
(Cat Lady jabbering)
15
00:01:07,448 --> 00:01:08,847
D'oh!
16
00:01:08,883 --> 00:01:10,449
(bicycle bell jingling)
17
00:01:10,484 --> 00:01:12,618
(grunts)
18
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,160
BART: Ay, caramba!
19
00:01:25,799 --> 00:01:27,799
(groans)
Carrot.
20
00:01:45,686 --> 00:01:47,686
(humming)
21
00:01:50,024 --> 00:01:52,591
You are about to see
the worst half-hour
22
00:01:52,626 --> 00:01:54,426
of television ever.
23
00:01:54,461 --> 00:01:56,094
All righty then.
24
00:01:57,264 --> 00:01:59,665
♪ ♪
25
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:01,667
Okay, R3, let's
serve up some soup.
26
00:02:01,702 --> 00:02:04,770
(whistling)
27
00:02:04,805 --> 00:02:07,773
May the sauce be with you.
28
00:02:07,808 --> 00:02:09,474
Oh, since when is soup sauce?
29
00:02:09,510 --> 00:02:11,476
This is so non-canonical.
30
00:02:11,512 --> 00:02:14,246
You have every right
to be furious.
31
00:02:18,819 --> 00:02:20,319
Oh, it's as bad
as I remembered,
32
00:02:20,354 --> 00:02:22,654
and I haven't watched
it since yesterday.
33
00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:25,657
Horrible, yet enthralling.
34
00:02:25,693 --> 00:02:27,159
Hooray!
35
00:02:27,194 --> 00:02:29,695
A card from Dr. Hibbert.
36
00:02:29,730 --> 00:02:31,730
(gasps)
37
00:02:33,701 --> 00:02:35,600
Phew.
38
00:02:35,636 --> 00:02:38,036
Oh.
39
00:02:38,072 --> 00:02:39,471
(bird squawks)
40
00:02:39,506 --> 00:02:41,039
I'll be right home, honey.
41
00:02:41,075 --> 00:02:44,009
I just got to lock down
the reactor for the evening.
42
00:02:48,916 --> 00:02:50,716
Tight as a drum.
43
00:02:51,986 --> 00:02:53,685
See you soon.
44
00:02:53,721 --> 00:02:56,021
Bart, hold the ladder still!
45
00:02:56,056 --> 00:02:57,389
(gasps)
46
00:02:58,525 --> 00:03:00,325
(grunts)
47
00:03:01,595 --> 00:03:02,794
Oh!
48
00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:04,363
Wish Homer was here.
49
00:03:05,432 --> 00:03:06,531
Simpson!
50
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:07,866
(gasps)
Mr. Scrooge!
51
00:03:07,901 --> 00:03:10,535
Time for your holiday gift.
Ooh!
52
00:03:10,571 --> 00:03:13,171
In your name, a donation has been made...
(groans)
53
00:03:13,207 --> 00:03:14,840
...to the Salvation Army.
54
00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:16,608
(groans)
Also, you will be visited
55
00:03:16,643 --> 00:03:18,577
by three spirits tonight.
56
00:03:18,612 --> 00:03:20,312
No, wait. That's my schedule.
57
00:03:20,347 --> 00:03:22,581
Smithers, We need to cancel
the 10:30 spirit.
58
00:03:22,616 --> 00:03:23,749
Yes, sir.
59
00:03:23,784 --> 00:03:25,217
(Marge humming)
60
00:03:26,220 --> 00:03:28,320
MARGE: Hello.
61
00:03:28,355 --> 00:03:29,355
HOMER:
Heading home, baby.
62
00:03:29,356 --> 00:03:30,722
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
63
00:03:30,758 --> 00:03:32,057
(shrieks)
64
00:03:35,362 --> 00:03:37,195
(groaning)
Maybe a drink
65
00:03:37,231 --> 00:03:39,631
will help me with my driving.
66
00:03:44,605 --> 00:03:47,072
Man, those things go off quick.
67
00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:49,207
♪ Yo. ♪
68
00:03:49,243 --> 00:03:50,342
(guitar plays country melody)
69
00:03:50,377 --> 00:03:51,877
(metal guitar plays)
♪ Ah! ♪
70
00:03:51,912 --> 00:03:53,578
VIN SCULLY:
...and the baseball exclaimed
71
00:03:53,614 --> 00:03:55,680
as it flew out of sight,
72
00:03:55,716 --> 00:03:59,217
this ballpark is shorter
in left field than right.
73
00:03:59,253 --> 00:04:00,952
Martinez swings and misses.
74
00:04:00,988 --> 00:04:03,889
Yes! I'm recording this
during a game.
75
00:04:03,924 --> 00:04:05,257
Since the United States
government
76
00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:07,659
declares this man
to be Santa Claus,
77
00:04:07,694 --> 00:04:09,528
this court will not dispute it.
78
00:04:09,563 --> 00:04:11,396
Few people know that verdict
79
00:04:11,432 --> 00:04:14,199
was overturned in the sequel.
(chuckles)
80
00:04:14,234 --> 00:04:16,935
I better be heading
home to my family.
81
00:04:16,970 --> 00:04:19,971
Enjoy your evening
with your wonderful...
82
00:04:20,007 --> 00:04:22,607
uh... neon sign.
83
00:04:22,643 --> 00:04:25,744
Yeah, last year I broke it just
so the repairman would come.
84
00:04:25,779 --> 00:04:27,913
But I'll be fine.
85
00:04:29,583 --> 00:04:31,249
Hey, um, you gonna be okay?
86
00:04:31,285 --> 00:04:32,751
Oh, yeah, yeah.
87
00:04:32,786 --> 00:04:34,786
Super! (crying)
88
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:39,691
It's just that...
89
00:04:39,726 --> 00:04:40,992
you know, I lost my ma
90
00:04:41,028 --> 00:04:42,961
at Christmas.
(sighs)
91
00:04:42,996 --> 00:04:45,363
She took me to a mall,
and I never saw her again.
92
00:04:45,399 --> 00:04:46,679
But I'll never forget that image
93
00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,467
of her bolting
for the parking lot.
94
00:04:48,502 --> 00:04:50,535
Okay, okay.
I'll stay for one beer.
95
00:04:50,571 --> 00:04:52,871
Oh, great, great.
But don't do it out of pity.
96
00:04:52,906 --> 00:04:55,340
Pity! Pity! Have pity!
97
00:04:55,375 --> 00:04:57,709
Look, I'm wrapped
around your leg here!
98
00:04:57,744 --> 00:04:59,377
Please! Please! Please!
99
00:04:59,413 --> 00:05:01,313
But I promised Marge.
100
00:05:01,348 --> 00:05:03,715
Now I'm sitting on
your shoulders! Please!
101
00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:05,217
Okay, okay!
102
00:05:05,252 --> 00:05:06,818
(Homer groans)
103
00:05:08,622 --> 00:05:10,455
(grunts)
104
00:05:10,491 --> 00:05:11,823
Mom, where's Dad?
105
00:05:11,859 --> 00:05:13,892
I don't know.
106
00:05:13,927 --> 00:05:15,393
Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man!
107
00:05:15,429 --> 00:05:16,862
We do not want
to set a precedent
108
00:05:16,897 --> 00:05:19,030
for fat guys
being late tonight!
109
00:05:19,066 --> 00:05:20,932
(grunts)
110
00:05:20,968 --> 00:05:23,935
♪ Silent night ♪
111
00:05:23,971 --> 00:05:27,205
♪ Holy night... ♪
112
00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:29,641
(laughs)
I'm happy on Christmas Eve.
113
00:05:29,676 --> 00:05:31,977
And for once it's not
'cause some drunk
114
00:05:32,012 --> 00:05:33,778
left a wallet on his stool.
115
00:05:33,814 --> 00:05:36,481
Uh-oh, this is
starting to hurt.
116
00:05:39,686 --> 00:05:41,987
(grunts)
117
00:05:42,022 --> 00:05:45,790
And now, Homer, it's only fair
that I give yous a gift.
118
00:05:45,826 --> 00:05:49,594
I'm gonna set the clock
in the bar to the correct time.
119
00:05:49,630 --> 00:05:51,730
HOMER:
Hey, what the...
120
00:05:51,765 --> 00:05:53,798
(gasps)
I am so late!
121
00:05:55,536 --> 00:05:57,669
Whoa, whoa.
It's the night before Christmas!
122
00:05:57,704 --> 00:05:59,437
Stop stirring, you!
123
00:05:59,473 --> 00:06:00,605
(grunts)
124
00:06:00,641 --> 00:06:02,641
(ticking)
125
00:06:04,211 --> 00:06:05,844
One night.
126
00:06:05,879 --> 00:06:07,412
The one night of the year
127
00:06:07,447 --> 00:06:08,980
I want Homer home
with his family,
128
00:06:09,016 --> 00:06:10,982
and he can't even do that.
129
00:06:11,018 --> 00:06:13,985
Christmas is a great time
to dump him.
130
00:06:14,021 --> 00:06:16,788
If you do it now, you won't have
to watch the Super Bowl.
131
00:06:16,823 --> 00:06:18,823
(tires squealing,
car door closing)
132
00:06:22,563 --> 00:06:24,796
Homer Simpson!
133
00:06:24,831 --> 00:06:26,665
(gasps)
I never thought I'd say this
134
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:27,966
to someone I cared for,
135
00:06:28,001 --> 00:06:29,968
much less my husband,
136
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:31,670
but I'm saying it now.
137
00:06:31,705 --> 00:06:34,306
I don't want you here
on Christmas!
138
00:06:34,341 --> 00:06:36,208
Marge, think about
what you're saying.
139
00:06:36,243 --> 00:06:38,677
It's Sir Isaac Newton's
birthday.
140
00:06:38,712 --> 00:06:40,812
Out now!
141
00:06:43,217 --> 00:06:44,616
Yeah? Well, good luck
142
00:06:44,651 --> 00:06:46,851
assembling all those
toys without me!
143
00:06:46,887 --> 00:06:48,453
We already did it.
144
00:06:48,488 --> 00:06:50,956
(shrieks)
The ghost of Marge Future!
145
00:06:54,356 --> 00:06:55,588
HOMER:
She'll forgive me.
146
00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:57,323
MARGE:
Should I forgive him?
147
00:06:57,359 --> 00:06:58,825
HOMER:
Especially this time.
148
00:06:58,860 --> 00:07:00,493
MARGE:
Maybe not this time.
149
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,162
HOMER:
I mean it's Christmas.
150
00:07:03,198 --> 00:07:04,764
MARGE: With his marriage
in this much trouble,
151
00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:07,233
he's got a lot
of thinking to do.
152
00:07:07,268 --> 00:07:10,603
HOMER: I wonder if there's birds
on the moon.
153
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:13,773
(sobbing):
I miss Marge.
154
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,445
WIGGUM: I wonder if Lou suspects
that I was his Secret Santa.
155
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:21,080
LOU: What kind of a cheapskate
gives you
156
00:07:21,116 --> 00:07:23,249
one corncob holder
for Christmas?
157
00:07:23,284 --> 00:07:24,484
(chuckles)
158
00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:31,190
Moe, what are you doing?
159
00:07:31,226 --> 00:07:33,960
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
160
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,828
♪ On the feast... ♪
161
00:07:35,864 --> 00:07:37,864
JAPANESE MALE VOICE:
Voice too poor for karaoke.
162
00:07:37,899 --> 00:07:40,466
Shutting down.
163
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,668
Bye now.
Oh, my God.
164
00:07:42,704 --> 00:07:45,104
Santa brought me
just what I asked for!
165
00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:46,839
(laughs)
166
00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:49,008
Hmm. "239."
167
00:07:49,043 --> 00:07:50,710
Who's he fooling?
168
00:07:51,946 --> 00:07:53,413
Hmm... Hmm.
169
00:07:53,448 --> 00:07:54,614
Hmm!
170
00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:55,982
Mm-hmm.
171
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,819
Hey, pal. Can't believe you have
to work Christmas Eve.
172
00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,888
Well, if you're here
for a last minute gift,
173
00:08:01,923 --> 00:08:03,890
we have a cell phone
holder that fits
174
00:08:03,925 --> 00:08:06,392
no cell phone
made after 2002.
175
00:08:06,428 --> 00:08:08,461
And, uh, Kwik-E-Nog.
176
00:08:08,496 --> 00:08:09,729
Nog stands for
177
00:08:09,764 --> 00:08:11,998
"Not Okayed by Government."
178
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:14,667
Maybe Marge would forgive me
179
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,169
if I won the lotto.
180
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,336
Give me a scratcher.
181
00:08:17,372 --> 00:08:18,805
D'oh!
Give me another one.
182
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,072
(groans)
D'oh!
183
00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:21,174
Give me another one.
184
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:22,241
(groans)
D'oh!
185
00:08:22,277 --> 00:08:23,476
Give me another one.
(groans)
186
00:08:23,511 --> 00:08:24,710
D'oh!
Give me another one.
187
00:08:24,746 --> 00:08:25,845
(groans)
D'oh!
188
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:26,913
Give me another one.
189
00:08:26,948 --> 00:08:28,381
Oh please, stop! Stop it!
190
00:08:28,416 --> 00:08:30,249
My religion prohibits me
from taking advantage
191
00:08:30,285 --> 00:08:32,151
of a fool more
than ten times.
192
00:08:32,187 --> 00:08:34,654
This thing basically
has no winners.
193
00:08:34,689 --> 00:08:36,689
Yeah, but doesn't
the money goes to schools?
194
00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:39,392
You have been to our schools.
What do you think?
195
00:08:39,427 --> 00:08:42,895
Welcome to Bring Us
Your Toilet Paper night.
196
00:08:42,931 --> 00:08:45,097
Don't worry,
none goes to Willie.
197
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,532
Don't need it.
198
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,434
I got me Starbucks napkins!
199
00:08:48,470 --> 00:08:51,037
You know, ironically, in
India, they did use the money
200
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,773
for schools and they
had fantastic results.
201
00:08:53,808 --> 00:08:56,075
Aw, thanks
for your honesty, Apu.
202
00:08:56,110 --> 00:08:57,443
Is there any other product
in the store
203
00:08:57,479 --> 00:08:58,744
you'd like to warn me about?
204
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:00,112
Well, uh...
205
00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:03,483
those hot dogs began
life as Twinkies.
206
00:09:06,187 --> 00:09:07,854
(sizzling)
207
00:09:07,889 --> 00:09:09,021
Wow.
208
00:09:09,057 --> 00:09:11,557
(pop, crackling)
209
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,693
(groans)
Christmas Eve.
210
00:09:13,728 --> 00:09:15,228
The one night a kid
wants to go to sleep
211
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:16,796
is the one night he can't.
212
00:09:16,831 --> 00:09:18,364
I can't have another cocoa.
213
00:09:18,399 --> 00:09:20,533
My pee is starting to
smell like a ski chalet.
214
00:09:20,568 --> 00:09:22,735
(door opens)
Oh, thank God you're here.
215
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:23,970
I need to get to sleep.
216
00:09:24,005 --> 00:09:25,404
Tell me the story
of jazz again.
217
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,040
Well, the story of jazz starts
with the tresillo,
218
00:09:28,076 --> 00:09:30,376
the most prevalent
duple-pulse rhythmic cell
219
00:09:30,411 --> 00:09:31,911
in sub-Saharan African music.
220
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:32,979
But the rest will have to wait.
221
00:09:33,014 --> 00:09:34,914
Bart, Bart,
I hear Mom sobbing.
222
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,749
And I don't know where Dad is.
223
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,418
If it helps, I made you a card.
224
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,821
Bart, this is the year
I've got to nail Christmas.
225
00:09:41,856 --> 00:09:44,457
I don't want to be a jaded
ten-year-old like you!
226
00:09:44,492 --> 00:09:45,825
Ah, yes.
227
00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:48,628
I remember Christmas Eve
when I was eight.
228
00:09:48,663 --> 00:09:50,930
MARGE: Why do you always wait
till the last minute
229
00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:52,465
to put up the lights?
230
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:53,933
HOMER:
I don't want to ruin the magic.
231
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,735
And I certainly... Aah!
232
00:09:55,770 --> 00:09:57,436
(gurgling)
233
00:09:57,472 --> 00:09:59,005
Next year
234
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,072
this is
235
00:10:00,108 --> 00:10:01,474
your job.
236
00:10:01,509 --> 00:10:03,910
(electrical crackling)
(grunting)
237
00:10:03,945 --> 00:10:05,845
(grunting)
238
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:07,413
Ooh!
239
00:10:07,448 --> 00:10:08,948
(grunting)
240
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,984
Hmm, they say a boy never
gets over seeing his dad
241
00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:13,252
in a Santa suit getting hanged
242
00:10:13,288 --> 00:10:14,787
and electrocuted
on Christmas Eve.
243
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,188
I'll help you, kid.
244
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,495
(sighs heavily)
245
00:10:34,542 --> 00:10:36,275
Mom, I'm just a kid,
246
00:10:36,311 --> 00:10:39,045
but I say if Dad isn't
here Christmas morning,
247
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,447
that's the kind of thing
families never recover from.
248
00:10:41,482 --> 00:10:43,049
Hmm.
249
00:10:43,084 --> 00:10:46,586
Lisa, sweetie,
I'm tired of being a pushover.
250
00:10:46,621 --> 00:10:47,787
You're not a pushover.
251
00:10:47,822 --> 00:10:48,988
You can't smoke.
252
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:50,189
Just chewing
on the wood.
253
00:10:50,224 --> 00:10:51,390
Okay then.
254
00:10:51,426 --> 00:10:52,959
(clattering)
255
00:10:52,994 --> 00:10:54,493
(groans)
256
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,995
Eh, how you doing there?
257
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,997
Uh, your front
door was locked,
258
00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,999
So, uh, rather than
call or knock,
259
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:02,001
I, uh, came down
your chimbley there.
260
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,469
(coughs)
261
00:11:04,672 --> 00:11:07,673
Moe Szyslak, you didn't
climb down our chimney
262
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,475
just to say
"Merry Christmas."
263
00:11:09,510 --> 00:11:10,676
(coughing)
264
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,044
(clears throat)
265
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,746
Midge, it's one minute
till Christmas,
266
00:11:13,781 --> 00:11:16,282
and if I'm ever gonna be
a good guy, it's now.
267
00:11:16,317 --> 00:11:17,650
All right, here I go.
268
00:11:17,685 --> 00:11:19,685
I'm the one that kept Homer
from coming home,
269
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,988
'cause, uh, well, I was lonely.
270
00:11:22,023 --> 00:11:23,756
(gasps)
Yeah, that's right--
271
00:11:23,791 --> 00:11:25,157
me, Mr. Party Pants.
272
00:11:25,193 --> 00:11:28,260
So, uh, so don't hold
it against Homer, eh?
273
00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:31,163
Oh, my poor Homie.
274
00:11:31,199 --> 00:11:32,999
This is what
I was hoping for.
275
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:36,602
For it not to have been
completely his fault.
276
00:11:36,638 --> 00:11:38,204
Thank you, Moe.
277
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,405
(mumbling):
Huh?
278
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,040
I'm sorry, Marge,
I'm sorry,
279
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,442
but it was Christmas, and
we were under the mistletoe.
280
00:11:43,478 --> 00:11:45,077
That's lettuce caught
in a spider's web.
281
00:11:45,113 --> 00:11:46,278
All right.
282
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:47,813
I've got
to call Homer.
283
00:11:48,850 --> 00:11:50,016
(buzzing)
284
00:11:50,051 --> 00:11:51,350
(beeps)
285
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,955
D'oh!
286
00:11:57,992 --> 00:11:59,959
What gives? Don't you get
Showtime Extreme?
287
00:11:59,994 --> 00:12:01,961
(groans)
No answer.
288
00:12:01,996 --> 00:12:03,963
Let's go find
your father.
289
00:12:03,998 --> 00:12:05,698
What?
290
00:12:05,733 --> 00:12:07,700
I never give up hope.
291
00:12:07,735 --> 00:12:08,934
Neither do I.
292
00:12:12,807 --> 00:12:15,141
Even the anchor store's closed.
293
00:12:16,678 --> 00:12:19,445
("Someday at Christmas" plays)
294
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:23,582
♪ Someday at Christmas ♪
295
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:26,085
♪ Men won't be boys ♪
296
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,120
♪ Playing with bombs ♪
297
00:12:28,156 --> 00:12:31,090
♪ Like kids play with toys ♪
298
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:35,461
♪ One warm December
our hearts will see ♪
299
00:12:35,496 --> 00:12:40,066
♪ A world where men are free ♪
300
00:12:40,101 --> 00:12:42,001
♪ Mm ♪
301
00:12:42,036 --> 00:12:43,636
♪ Someday at Christmas... ♪
302
00:12:43,671 --> 00:12:45,471
Any uplifting
holiday movies?
303
00:12:45,506 --> 00:12:47,306
Well, let's see.
304
00:12:47,341 --> 00:12:48,846
We've got a film about
a nutty professor...
305
00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:49,776
Ooh.
306
00:12:49,777 --> 00:12:51,243
...with advanced
Alzheimer's.
307
00:12:51,279 --> 00:12:52,611
D'oh!
308
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:54,146
Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill...
Yeah?
309
00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:56,182
...in a concentration
camp drama.
310
00:12:56,217 --> 00:12:57,316
D'oh!
311
00:12:57,351 --> 00:12:58,818
And a cute model...
Ooh!
312
00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:01,120
...airplane that
lost its propeller.
313
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:04,957
Um, I guess I'll take
the concentration camp one.
314
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:07,593
And a Merry Christmas
to you, sir.
315
00:13:07,628 --> 00:13:10,362
♪ ♪
316
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:11,797
(sighs)
317
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,999
Well, if I got to spend
Christmas Eve alone,
318
00:13:14,035 --> 00:13:15,835
at least no one will see me.
319
00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:18,204
Hey-ya, Homer!
(barking)
320
00:13:18,239 --> 00:13:20,439
Ah, just 'cause you're here
shouldn't make you sad.
321
00:13:20,475 --> 00:13:23,642
This is my 17th Christmas
alone in a movie theater.
322
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,211
This is my family.
323
00:13:25,246 --> 00:13:27,046
The guy with
the smelly pants,
324
00:13:27,081 --> 00:13:30,483
the lady that carries
empty cans in a PBS tote bag.
325
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:33,419
Ugh, what if I left now and gave
you guys my popcorn and soda?
326
00:13:33,454 --> 00:13:34,720
(cat meows)
327
00:13:35,757 --> 00:13:38,357
Wow, Homer, you have
a very generous side.
328
00:13:38,392 --> 00:13:41,660
Can I borrow,
like, $10,000?
329
00:13:45,733 --> 00:13:47,900
Flanders?
What are you doing here?
330
00:13:47,935 --> 00:13:49,535
Christmas is
my busy season.
331
00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:51,537
Sold three pairs of
scissors this month.
332
00:13:51,572 --> 00:13:53,005
Two came back.
333
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,840
Say, Flanders,
334
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:58,844
with all the hard luck you've
had, how do you stay so happy?
335
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,813
And don't say
"Jesus."
336
00:14:00,848 --> 00:14:04,416
Well, sir, our good Lord and
my boys are all I've really got.
337
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:06,418
All Edna left me was
wonderful memories
338
00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:08,420
and some
ungraded papers,
339
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:10,422
which I'm still working
my way through. (sniffles)
340
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,424
Flanders,
are you crying?
341
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:15,060
Ah, just snowflakes
on my mustache.
342
00:14:15,096 --> 00:14:17,863
Listen, could I buy
a left-handed, uh...
343
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,665
I don't know,
eyelash curler?
344
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,268
Sure, but y-your eyelashes are
long and luxurious already.
345
00:14:22,303 --> 00:14:24,236
Are you just buying this
to be nice?
346
00:14:24,272 --> 00:14:27,673
Uh, maybe.
347
00:14:27,708 --> 00:14:30,576
Oh, Homer, unto us this
day, a neighbor is born.
348
00:14:30,611 --> 00:14:32,211
But why?
349
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:36,215
Because jerk-ass Homer
has become ass-jerk Homer.
350
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:39,218
Well, that curled my
lashes, but good for you.
351
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:40,419
(chuckles)
352
00:14:40,454 --> 00:14:42,621
You're all right,
stupid Flanders.
353
00:14:42,657 --> 00:14:43,889
You're all right.
354
00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:46,892
Well, this is a whole new
relationship for us.
355
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,261
We'll be friends
in this life and the next.
356
00:14:49,297 --> 00:14:51,197
HOMER:
Whoa, he's getting serious.
357
00:14:51,232 --> 00:14:52,598
Is this what I really want?
358
00:14:52,633 --> 00:14:53,899
(whimpering)
359
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:56,602
My best friend is
a great runner.
360
00:15:01,642 --> 00:15:04,610
I made everyone happy but me.
361
00:15:04,645 --> 00:15:06,612
Some Christmas.
362
00:15:06,647 --> 00:15:08,547
(sobbing):
Feliz navidad.
363
00:15:10,703 --> 00:15:12,703
(wind whistling)
364
00:15:18,311 --> 00:15:20,311
(vehicle approaching,
tires screeching)
365
00:15:22,448 --> 00:15:24,348
Abe Simpson, please.
366
00:15:24,383 --> 00:15:26,350
Visitor for
Abe Simpson.
367
00:15:26,385 --> 00:15:27,551
You came!
368
00:15:27,586 --> 00:15:29,053
You came to see me!
369
00:15:29,088 --> 00:15:30,554
(Bart grunting)
Aw!
370
00:15:30,589 --> 00:15:33,057
Easter came early
this year.
371
00:15:33,092 --> 00:15:35,059
I thought we were just
gonna ask if he'd seen Homer.
372
00:15:35,094 --> 00:15:37,561
I'm afraid we've
awoken a needy giant.
373
00:15:37,596 --> 00:15:39,530
Visitors!
374
00:15:39,565 --> 00:15:42,266
Let's brew some weak tea and
talk about the good ol' days!
375
00:15:42,301 --> 00:15:44,868
Make them turn
the TV to CBS!
376
00:15:46,372 --> 00:15:49,373
("Hark! The Herald
Angels Sing" plays)
377
00:15:50,509 --> 00:15:52,509
(electrical crackling)
378
00:15:53,646 --> 00:15:57,047
Well, with all that you
folks have experienced,
379
00:15:57,083 --> 00:16:00,451
I think we could enjoy listening
to a little of your wisdom.
380
00:16:00,486 --> 00:16:02,886
The problem with
Puerto Ricans is...
381
00:16:02,922 --> 00:16:04,755
No casual racism.
382
00:16:04,790 --> 00:16:06,457
(Homer snoring)
383
00:16:06,492 --> 00:16:08,392
(muttering)
384
00:16:09,628 --> 00:16:11,628
What the...?
385
00:16:13,733 --> 00:16:15,299
The Nutcracker.
386
00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:18,235
Every child's favorite
Christmas character.
387
00:16:18,270 --> 00:16:19,703
Is this a dream?
388
00:16:19,739 --> 00:16:21,071
Not a dream.
389
00:16:21,107 --> 00:16:22,373
I work at the mall.
390
00:16:22,408 --> 00:16:24,375
And it's closed, so scram.
391
00:16:24,410 --> 00:16:26,076
Man, you are a nutcracker.
392
00:16:26,112 --> 00:16:27,611
But I've learned
something tonight--
393
00:16:27,646 --> 00:16:29,046
you know how everyone hates
394
00:16:29,081 --> 00:16:31,081
being with their family on Christmas?
Uh-huh.
395
00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:33,083
Well, being without them
is worse.
396
00:16:33,119 --> 00:16:36,320
Can you find it in your wooden
heart to give me a break?
397
00:16:36,355 --> 00:16:38,555
All right, listen,
pal, uh...
398
00:16:38,591 --> 00:16:40,557
you want to go
to a party?
399
00:16:40,593 --> 00:16:42,593
(dance music plays)
400
00:16:55,841 --> 00:16:57,641
What are you
doing here?
401
00:16:57,676 --> 00:17:01,278
Halloween merchandise goes
on sale December 26, man.
402
00:17:01,313 --> 00:17:03,313
("O Holy Night" plays)
403
00:17:10,122 --> 00:17:12,923
Well, he's not in
the neon sign store.
404
00:17:12,958 --> 00:17:14,525
Lady, buy a sign
or go home.
405
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,360
I'm sorry.
406
00:17:16,395 --> 00:17:19,196
I'm trying to find my husband,
and nothing's open.
407
00:17:19,231 --> 00:17:21,198
Well, there is
a party here.
408
00:17:21,233 --> 00:17:23,434
Hey, is your husband into
people dressed like food?
409
00:17:23,469 --> 00:17:25,436
Where is this party?!
410
00:17:25,471 --> 00:17:27,137
(electrical crackling)
411
00:17:27,173 --> 00:17:29,339
♪ ♪
412
00:17:29,375 --> 00:17:31,341
Oh, my God.
413
00:17:31,377 --> 00:17:33,377
Is that girl really doing that?!
414
00:17:41,020 --> 00:17:43,253
Mm, load-bearing wall.
415
00:17:45,891 --> 00:17:47,891
(whoops)
416
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:52,362
(moans)
417
00:17:52,398 --> 00:17:54,631
Ho, ho, ho!
418
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,133
This party's great,
419
00:17:56,168 --> 00:17:58,202
but all I wish is
that I was drinking a beer
420
00:17:58,237 --> 00:18:00,170
with my kids right now.
421
00:18:00,206 --> 00:18:01,672
MARGE: Homer?
Hmm?!
422
00:18:01,707 --> 00:18:04,675
Homie, I'm
your present tonight.
423
00:18:04,710 --> 00:18:07,678
And the present is that
I'm not gonna always assume
424
00:18:07,713 --> 00:18:09,313
that you screwed up.
425
00:18:09,348 --> 00:18:11,715
Because I realize maybe
there's a good explanation
426
00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:13,250
for what you do.
427
00:18:13,285 --> 00:18:15,486
Or a crazy one that's
pretty entertaining.
428
00:18:15,521 --> 00:18:18,489
Oh, Marge,
you found me!
429
00:18:18,524 --> 00:18:20,324
You always find me.
430
00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:23,160
Now we just have to find your
car in the mall parking lot.
431
00:18:23,195 --> 00:18:25,762
I thought I had one of
those chirping keys.
432
00:18:25,798 --> 00:18:28,365
Oh, well, I've been
faking the noise.
433
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,000
'Cause you deserve
the best.
434
00:18:30,035 --> 00:18:31,201
(imitates car chirp)
435
00:18:31,237 --> 00:18:32,769
You didn't have
to do that.
436
00:18:32,805 --> 00:18:34,571
I love you
just the same.
437
00:18:34,607 --> 00:18:35,772
(imitates car chirp)
438
00:18:35,808 --> 00:18:37,941
(moaning)
439
00:18:39,979 --> 00:18:42,579
Thank you magical creatures
of the mall!
440
00:18:42,615 --> 00:18:45,015
You have all taught me
a Christmas message
441
00:18:45,050 --> 00:18:46,683
I'll never forget--
442
00:18:46,719 --> 00:18:50,154
the place to get drunk
is at home.
443
00:18:58,361 --> 00:18:59,994
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
plays)
444
00:19:10,006 --> 00:19:11,739
All right, I'm
sick of waiting.
445
00:19:11,774 --> 00:19:13,741
Bart, you know you
can't open a present
446
00:19:13,776 --> 00:19:15,142
till Mom and
Dad wake up.
447
00:19:15,178 --> 00:19:17,211
(scoffs)
It's 9:10 a.m.
448
00:19:17,247 --> 00:19:19,914
I know what they're doing--
they're up in bed
449
00:19:19,949 --> 00:19:22,583
watching the re-broadcast of
the Hollywood Christmas Parade.
450
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:24,285
Oops, my finger slipped.
451
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,287
Oops! So did mine.
452
00:19:26,322 --> 00:19:28,122
(laughing)
BART: Oh, I got a baseball glove.
453
00:19:28,157 --> 00:19:29,524
LISA:
I got a chemistry set.
454
00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:31,125
BART:
I want yours.
455
00:19:35,331 --> 00:19:37,298
GOD:
Merry Christmas, son.
456
00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,300
Uh, don't you mean
"Happy Birthday"?
457
00:19:39,335 --> 00:19:41,736
GOD:
It's two presents.
458
00:19:41,771 --> 00:19:43,738
Um, walkie-talkies don't
count as two presents.
459
00:19:43,773 --> 00:19:45,139
God.
460
00:19:45,174 --> 00:19:47,141
I mean, you.
461
00:19:47,175 --> 00:19:52,175
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
462
00:19:52,218 --> 00:19:54,085
JESUS:
Idiot.
463
00:19:59,059 --> 00:20:01,459
Behold, our
miracle of birth.
464
00:20:01,495 --> 00:20:04,295
Each birth is followed
by another birth
465
00:20:04,331 --> 00:20:05,697
just seconds later.
466
00:20:05,732 --> 00:20:07,132
(grunting)
467
00:20:12,406 --> 00:20:14,239
What the?!
This isn't Halloween.
468
00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:56,381
Shh!