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00:00:00,591 --> 00:00:03,806
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,807 --> 00:00:07,075
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,110 --> 00:00:10,645
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,681 --> 00:00:13,648
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:13,684 --> 00:00:17,152
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:23,527 --> 00:00:25,568
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,569 --> 00:00:29,569
♪ Family Guy 13x06 ♪
The 2000-Year-Old Virgin
Original Air Date on December 6, 2014
11
00:00:29,570 --> 00:00:36,070
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:36,073 --> 00:00:38,973
Oh, I love shopping
at Christmastime.
13
00:00:39,009 --> 00:00:41,543
Ugh, mall food courts
are so depressing.
14
00:00:41,578 --> 00:00:43,678
You can always tell
which fathers are disappointed
15
00:00:43,714 --> 00:00:46,948
in their sons because they eat
lunch with their coats still on.
16
00:00:46,983 --> 00:00:48,450
How's that food,
dum-dum?
17
00:00:48,485 --> 00:00:49,951
Too bad eating
ain't math,
18
00:00:49,986 --> 00:00:51,820
'cause then I'd have something
to be proud of.
19
00:00:51,855 --> 00:00:53,488
I want to go
live with Mom.
20
00:00:53,523 --> 00:00:55,657
I know. So do I.
21
00:00:55,692 --> 00:00:58,059
Welcome to
Tommy Bahama.
22
00:00:58,128 --> 00:01:00,161
Yeah, you got anything
for a poor fat person
23
00:01:00,197 --> 00:01:02,030
who wants to look
like a rich fat person?
24
00:01:02,065 --> 00:01:03,231
Of course.
25
00:01:03,266 --> 00:01:05,166
Now, I'll mostly be
hitting on waitresses
26
00:01:05,202 --> 00:01:07,635
who are too young and thin
to ever be interested in me.
27
00:01:07,671 --> 00:01:10,038
Hitting on them in a
kindly, genial way?
28
00:01:10,073 --> 00:01:11,706
No, in a threatening,
creepy,
29
00:01:11,742 --> 00:01:13,641
I'm-joking-but-I'm-not-
really-joking way.
30
00:01:13,677 --> 00:01:15,276
Y-You have anything
for that?
31
00:01:15,312 --> 00:01:18,213
Sir, what you're describing is
precisely Mr. Bahama's vision.
32
00:01:18,248 --> 00:01:22,250
ANNOUNCER: Tommy Bahama-- five
million uncles can't be wrong.
33
00:01:22,285 --> 00:01:25,587
Hey, sorry to bother you,
but would you like to work here?
34
00:01:25,622 --> 00:01:27,922
Me?
Yeah, you'd be perfect.
35
00:01:27,958 --> 00:01:31,559
All right, now let me just take
off these security tags for you.
36
00:01:33,563 --> 00:01:35,663
It's a living.
37
00:01:35,699 --> 00:01:37,699
(Flintstones transition
music plays)
38
00:01:40,437 --> 00:01:42,570
So random!
39
00:01:42,606 --> 00:01:45,106
That's a comment on us.
40
00:01:45,142 --> 00:01:47,275
Hey, check that out.
41
00:01:50,046 --> 00:01:52,781
Oh, wow. This is awesome!
42
00:01:52,816 --> 00:01:55,617
You know Jeff Garlin has
one of these in his house.
43
00:01:55,652 --> 00:01:58,286
Ah, I love this chair.
44
00:01:58,321 --> 00:02:01,322
Dog in a Jets jersey,
get in here!
45
00:02:01,358 --> 00:02:04,092
God, I have the best basement.
46
00:02:04,127 --> 00:02:07,262
Peter, this chair
costs $3,000.
47
00:02:07,297 --> 00:02:08,730
That's not so
much, Lois.
48
00:02:08,765 --> 00:02:11,800
It's only infinity times what
you bring home every week.
49
00:02:11,835 --> 00:02:12,835
Peter, look over there.
50
00:02:12,836 --> 00:02:16,237
Is that...
is that Jesus?
51
00:02:16,273 --> 00:02:18,106
Whoa, yeah, wow.
52
00:02:18,141 --> 00:02:19,908
It's been a while
since we've seen him.
53
00:02:19,943 --> 00:02:20,975
Hey, Jesus!
54
00:02:21,011 --> 00:02:22,143
Oh, hey, guys.
55
00:02:22,179 --> 00:02:24,412
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing in Quahog?
56
00:02:24,447 --> 00:02:26,014
Actually,
I never left.
57
00:02:26,049 --> 00:02:27,916
Really?
Why didn't you call us?
58
00:02:27,951 --> 00:02:30,418
Well, I felt kind of bad
about how we left things.
59
00:02:30,453 --> 00:02:32,220
I wasn't sure you'd
want to hear from me.
60
00:02:32,255 --> 00:02:33,255
Oh, that's silly.
61
00:02:33,256 --> 00:02:35,390
We could never
stay mad at you.
62
00:02:35,425 --> 00:02:37,192
Yeah, I've never been one
to hold grudges.
63
00:02:37,227 --> 00:02:39,894
I even forgave the man
who murdered my son.
64
00:02:39,930 --> 00:02:43,231
And although I will never
get over the pain
65
00:02:43,266 --> 00:02:47,068
of what you did to my son,
I forgive you,
66
00:02:47,103 --> 00:02:51,239
because I believe you are sick
and in need of help.
67
00:02:51,274 --> 00:02:53,341
Mr. Griffin, this is
the Office of City Planning.
68
00:02:53,376 --> 00:02:55,877
You requested a variance to
build a hot tub off your garage.
69
00:02:55,912 --> 00:02:57,879
Oh, yeah.
Did I get it?
70
00:02:57,914 --> 00:02:59,047
No.
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00:02:59,082 --> 00:03:00,181
I will kill your son!
72
00:03:00,217 --> 00:03:01,683
Your son is dead!
73
00:03:01,718 --> 00:03:03,952
I'm so glad there's
no hard feelings.
74
00:03:03,987 --> 00:03:05,486
Listen, Peter, we
should catch up.
75
00:03:05,522 --> 00:03:07,555
Why don't you come over to my
place for a beer or something?
76
00:03:07,591 --> 00:03:08,591
Aw, that sounds great!
77
00:03:08,592 --> 00:03:10,191
Hey, you want me
to pick anything up
78
00:03:10,227 --> 00:03:11,826
on the way over
or no, you're good?
79
00:03:11,862 --> 00:03:12,994
Oh, uh...
80
00:03:13,029 --> 00:03:15,230
I-I guess we could maybe
just order something.
81
00:03:15,265 --> 00:03:17,665
Yeah, I don't have any cash,
but we'll figure it out.
82
00:03:22,138 --> 00:03:24,639
Hey, Peter.
Come on in.
83
00:03:24,674 --> 00:03:26,908
Mi casa es, uh...
84
00:03:26,943 --> 00:03:28,409
I-I don't know Spanish.
85
00:03:28,445 --> 00:03:32,347
Huh, I think half the world
would be surprised to know that.
86
00:03:32,382 --> 00:03:34,082
Hey, nice place here.
87
00:03:34,117 --> 00:03:36,084
This is not too... too...
88
00:03:36,119 --> 00:03:38,686
it's not... it's not too...
not too good.
89
00:03:38,722 --> 00:03:40,655
Yeah, I know it's
nothing fancy,
90
00:03:40,690 --> 00:03:43,358
but, you know, I'm not really
into material possessions.
91
00:03:43,393 --> 00:03:44,692
Geez, this place
is depressing.
92
00:03:44,728 --> 00:03:46,328
Hey, how come you aren't
with your family
93
00:03:46,329 --> 00:03:47,562
during Christmas, anyway?
94
00:03:47,597 --> 00:03:50,064
I can't deal with my family
during the holidays.
95
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,833
And besides, my dad
always spends Christmas
96
00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:54,469
at his time-share in Coral
Gables with his girlfriend.
97
00:03:55,839 --> 00:03:58,973
Great, here comes that couple
with the adult disabled kid.
98
00:03:59,009 --> 00:04:00,608
Hey, can we join you?
99
00:04:00,644 --> 00:04:04,445
I-I'm Ken, this is Pam,
and this right here is Scott.
100
00:04:04,481 --> 00:04:06,514
We really want to thank
you, God, for testing us.
101
00:04:06,549 --> 00:04:08,016
It's been such
a blessing.
102
00:04:08,051 --> 00:04:11,619
Can't wait to see what
that "bigger plan" is.
103
00:04:11,655 --> 00:04:12,887
Well, I can't
tell you that.
104
00:04:12,923 --> 00:04:14,022
But the good news is,
105
00:04:14,057 --> 00:04:16,591
this little guy's
gonna make it to 74.
106
00:04:16,626 --> 00:04:19,460
Oh, look, Jesus, you shouldn't
be alone during Christmas.
107
00:04:19,496 --> 00:04:20,795
And if I remember
correctly,
108
00:04:20,830 --> 00:04:22,597
isn't your birthday
sometime soon, too?
109
00:04:22,632 --> 00:04:24,299
Ah, whatever,
I'm fine.
110
00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:26,501
I'll probably just reheat some
ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy.
111
00:04:26,536 --> 00:04:28,803
No way. I'm not gonna
let my pal Jesus
112
00:04:28,838 --> 00:04:29,998
spend his birthday like that.
113
00:04:30,006 --> 00:04:31,239
Hey, you know what?
114
00:04:31,274 --> 00:04:33,508
I am throwing you
the best birthday party ever.
115
00:04:33,543 --> 00:04:34,876
Are you sure
about that?
116
00:04:34,911 --> 00:04:36,577
Yeah, I'm great
at throwing parties.
117
00:04:36,613 --> 00:04:38,613
I was in charge
of planning Woodstock.
118
00:04:38,648 --> 00:04:40,281
All right, guys, here's
what I'm thinking--
119
00:04:40,317 --> 00:04:42,817
a whole festival
of muddy boobs.
120
00:04:42,852 --> 00:04:44,619
Well, don't you want
to have music?
121
00:04:44,654 --> 00:04:45,954
Oh, yeah.
122
00:04:45,989 --> 00:04:48,222
That's a good way to get
those muddy boobs moving.
123
00:04:52,462 --> 00:04:55,697
All right, you guys, Jesus's
birthday party is gonna be epic.
124
00:04:55,732 --> 00:04:57,332
Hey, since it's
also Christmas,
125
00:04:57,367 --> 00:04:59,200
maybe we could make it,
like, a Christmas theme.
126
00:04:59,235 --> 00:05:00,635
What about
Secret Santa?
127
00:05:00,670 --> 00:05:01,836
That's always fun.
128
00:05:01,871 --> 00:05:03,738
Okay, but five dollar limit.
129
00:05:03,773 --> 00:05:05,306
Why don't we
just say no gifts?
130
00:05:05,342 --> 00:05:07,822
Come on, guys, we don't have to
make such a big thing about it.
131
00:05:07,844 --> 00:05:09,777
It's not like I'm a woman
who's about to turn 30.
132
00:05:09,813 --> 00:05:12,046
You guys, I don't care
what we do for my birthday,
133
00:05:12,082 --> 00:05:13,681
as long as it lasts
the whole week
134
00:05:13,717 --> 00:05:16,384
and is very expensive and
inconvenient for all my friends.
135
00:05:16,419 --> 00:05:18,119
Oh, and I'm gonna
dress like a slut
136
00:05:18,154 --> 00:05:19,754
and be rude to everyone
for no reason.
137
00:05:19,789 --> 00:05:20,955
But, Maya...
138
00:05:20,991 --> 00:05:22,357
I don't care that
your dad's dying,
139
00:05:22,392 --> 00:05:24,792
we're all going to
Montreal for the week.
140
00:05:24,828 --> 00:05:25,828
Wait, wait, hold on.
141
00:05:25,829 --> 00:05:27,261
If we're planning a party,
142
00:05:27,297 --> 00:05:29,130
we haven't even talked about
the most important thing.
143
00:05:29,165 --> 00:05:31,666
A hydration plan for
people who overheat?
144
00:05:31,701 --> 00:05:34,002
It could be as simple
as an ice bath.
145
00:05:34,037 --> 00:05:35,503
No, no, I'm talking
about women.
146
00:05:35,538 --> 00:05:37,705
Oh, yeah, we definitely need
some women there.
147
00:05:37,741 --> 00:05:39,221
Jesus, what kind
of girls do you like?
148
00:05:39,242 --> 00:05:40,441
Women?
149
00:05:40,477 --> 00:05:42,577
Uh, all types,
I guess.
150
00:05:42,612 --> 00:05:43,711
"All types"?
151
00:05:43,747 --> 00:05:45,046
Come on, Jesus.
152
00:05:45,081 --> 00:05:47,348
Even Martin Lawrence when he
used to dress up like Shenehneh?
153
00:05:47,384 --> 00:05:49,250
CLEVELAND:
(laughs) Shenehneh!
154
00:05:49,285 --> 00:05:50,551
No, you know
what I mean.
155
00:05:50,587 --> 00:05:52,653
Uh, like, uh,
hot ladies.
156
00:05:52,689 --> 00:05:54,789
Horny ones who
sex on you.
157
00:05:54,824 --> 00:05:55,824
What?
158
00:05:55,825 --> 00:05:57,125
Yeah, you know.
159
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,061
They come back to your house
and sit on your... butt.
160
00:06:00,096 --> 00:06:01,362
Wait a minute.
161
00:06:01,398 --> 00:06:04,766
Jesus, have you ever
been with a woman?
162
00:06:04,801 --> 00:06:07,802
Are you...
are you a virgin?
163
00:06:07,837 --> 00:06:09,771
(sighs)
Yeah, I am.
164
00:06:09,806 --> 00:06:11,372
How the hell
does that happen?
165
00:06:11,408 --> 00:06:14,675
Well, in high school, my best
friend was this hot prostitute,
166
00:06:14,711 --> 00:06:16,744
and I just kind of got
into the friend zone.
167
00:06:16,780 --> 00:06:18,546
She's all like,
"Oh, there's all these guys
168
00:06:18,581 --> 00:06:19,814
having sex with me for money."
169
00:06:19,849 --> 00:06:21,449
And I'm all like,
"Oh, you deserve better."
170
00:06:21,484 --> 00:06:22,484
And then I die.
171
00:06:22,519 --> 00:06:23,951
Well, sex is
overrated.
172
00:06:23,987 --> 00:06:25,086
Stay out
of this, Joe.
173
00:06:25,121 --> 00:06:26,320
All right, look,
forget the party.
174
00:06:26,356 --> 00:06:28,056
We got a more
important mission now.
175
00:06:28,091 --> 00:06:32,026
Your 2,000-year-long cold streak
is about to come to an end.
176
00:06:32,062 --> 00:06:33,461
What do you mean?
177
00:06:33,496 --> 00:06:36,964
I'm saying, Jesus, we are gonna
help you lose your virginity.
178
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,399
(squeals)
179
00:06:38,435 --> 00:06:39,867
God, I love sex!
180
00:06:45,226 --> 00:06:46,826
All right, me and
the guys are off
181
00:06:46,861 --> 00:06:48,194
to help Jesus lose
his virginity.
182
00:06:48,229 --> 00:06:50,663
Just put it in the oven
for half an hour at 350.
183
00:06:50,698 --> 00:06:51,698
What?
I don't know.
184
00:06:51,699 --> 00:06:52,699
That's what you
always say
185
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:53,700
when you leave
the house.
186
00:06:53,735 --> 00:06:55,468
Oh, Peter,
just be careful.
187
00:06:55,503 --> 00:06:57,436
Losing your virginity
is a big deal.
188
00:06:57,472 --> 00:06:59,672
I'm sure Jesus doesn't want
some gross quickie.
189
00:06:59,707 --> 00:07:01,541
No, no, no, it's gonna
be nothing like that.
190
00:07:01,576 --> 00:07:03,676
Just some random slut
to maul in a bar
191
00:07:03,711 --> 00:07:05,111
back where the
payphones used to be.
192
00:07:05,146 --> 00:07:07,013
Peter, that's
what I'm talking about.
193
00:07:07,048 --> 00:07:08,614
You're making
this whole thing crude.
194
00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:10,283
It's his first time.
195
00:07:10,318 --> 00:07:11,651
You need to be
more sensitive.
196
00:07:11,686 --> 00:07:12,785
Don't worry, Lois.
197
00:07:12,820 --> 00:07:14,620
I swear, I'll be
sensitive and gentle.
198
00:07:14,656 --> 00:07:17,423
Like the Tasmanian Devil
tucking in his kids.
199
00:07:17,458 --> 00:07:20,459
(soothing Tasmanian Devil
gibbering)
200
00:07:29,037 --> 00:07:30,736
(gibbering)
201
00:07:39,614 --> 00:07:40,614
All right, Jesus,
202
00:07:40,648 --> 00:07:42,315
these speed date nights
are the best way
203
00:07:42,350 --> 00:07:43,983
to meet a lot of chicks fast.
204
00:07:44,018 --> 00:07:45,051
Now go get 'em.
205
00:07:45,086 --> 00:07:46,452
So, where
do you live?
206
00:07:46,487 --> 00:07:48,120
Everywhere, all places.
207
00:07:48,156 --> 00:07:49,388
Hopefully, inside you.
208
00:07:49,424 --> 00:07:50,424
(buzzer sounds)
209
00:07:50,425 --> 00:07:51,924
This is kind of
embarrassing,
210
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,560
but are you okay
with someone who smokes?
211
00:07:53,561 --> 00:07:54,860
Oh, yeah.
212
00:07:54,896 --> 00:07:56,629
A-Are you okay with someone
who wanders the desert,
213
00:07:56,664 --> 00:07:57,730
lecturing people
on how to act?
214
00:07:57,765 --> 00:07:58,765
(buzzer sounds)
215
00:07:58,766 --> 00:08:00,199
So, are you having
a good Friday?
216
00:08:00,235 --> 00:08:01,567
Oh, is that supposed
to be funny?
217
00:08:01,603 --> 00:08:02,603
Shut your mouth, bitch.
218
00:08:02,604 --> 00:08:03,636
(buzzer sounds)
219
00:08:03,671 --> 00:08:05,338
How's the wine?
It's terrific.
220
00:08:05,373 --> 00:08:06,572
That's my blood,
you know.
221
00:08:06,608 --> 00:08:07,608
(buzzer sounds)
222
00:08:07,609 --> 00:08:09,375
Where are you from?
Israel.
223
00:08:09,410 --> 00:08:10,410
(buzzer sounds)
224
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:13,779
All right, Jesus,
225
00:08:13,815 --> 00:08:15,748
nowadays, everything is done
on the Internet.
226
00:08:15,783 --> 00:08:17,817
All right? So, we got
to get you on Facebook.
227
00:08:17,852 --> 00:08:19,986
Uhp, let me just close
a couple of these windows.
228
00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:21,087
There we go.
229
00:08:21,122 --> 00:08:22,888
Sorry, I was up late last night.
(chuckles)
230
00:08:22,924 --> 00:08:24,290
Had the house to myself.
231
00:08:24,325 --> 00:08:25,725
Sorry. Sorry.
232
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,226
Lot of POV stuff.
233
00:08:27,262 --> 00:08:29,262
Yeah, I like to pretend
it's mine down there
234
00:08:29,297 --> 00:08:30,930
what's doing all the slapping.
235
00:08:30,965 --> 00:08:33,432
Peter, how old
is that girl?
236
00:08:33,468 --> 00:08:34,967
Excuse me, won't you?
237
00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:09,702
Ar... lot of scumbags out today.
238
00:09:13,007 --> 00:09:15,541
Well, no luck getting
Jesus laid yet.
239
00:09:15,576 --> 00:09:16,676
I don't get it.
240
00:09:16,711 --> 00:09:18,477
Jewish guys are supposed
to be swimming in tail.
241
00:09:18,513 --> 00:09:21,947
Peter, Jesus is never gonna find
a woman going about it your way.
242
00:09:21,983 --> 00:09:24,216
I think it's time I had
a little talk with him
243
00:09:24,252 --> 00:09:26,185
so he knows what
a woman really wants.
244
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:27,720
All right,
knock yourself out.
245
00:09:27,755 --> 00:09:29,755
Don't look! Don't look!
Don't look!
246
00:09:34,362 --> 00:09:36,128
Jesus, I asked you
to lunch
247
00:09:36,164 --> 00:09:38,497
because I think you've
been getting bad advice
248
00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:40,433
about finding
a special someone.
249
00:09:40,468 --> 00:09:42,001
Well, Peter's been
doing his best,
250
00:09:42,036 --> 00:09:44,303
but lately he seems more
focused on marketing
251
00:09:44,339 --> 00:09:46,238
his erotic
Advent calendar.
252
00:09:46,274 --> 00:09:48,808
All right, kids, let's see
what's under Christmas...
253
00:09:48,843 --> 00:09:51,177
Ugh, another puckered anus.
254
00:09:51,212 --> 00:09:52,445
Look, Jesus,
255
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,914
just forget whatever
Peter's been telling you.
256
00:09:54,949 --> 00:09:56,749
You just have
to be yourself
257
00:09:56,784 --> 00:09:59,285
and let a sweet girl
see that side of you.
258
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,620
Well, you're easy to talk to.
259
00:10:01,656 --> 00:10:03,889
I just get all tongue-tied
with other girls.
260
00:10:03,925 --> 00:10:06,359
Plus, being myself
isn't that impressive.
261
00:10:06,394 --> 00:10:07,626
What do you mean?
262
00:10:07,662 --> 00:10:08,961
You're sensitive,
263
00:10:08,996 --> 00:10:11,364
you died for our sins
and ascended into Heaven,
264
00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:12,798
and you got nice skin.
265
00:10:12,834 --> 00:10:15,234
Don't be afraid
to be honest with a girl
266
00:10:15,269 --> 00:10:16,469
and show her who you are.
267
00:10:16,504 --> 00:10:18,270
Wow, thanks, Lois.
268
00:10:18,306 --> 00:10:20,973
That's the second best advice
anyone's ever given me.
269
00:10:21,008 --> 00:10:22,041
I don't know, man.
270
00:10:22,076 --> 00:10:24,243
Jesus Hitler Christ
sounds weird.
271
00:10:24,278 --> 00:10:26,412
So just go with "H"?
Yeah.
272
00:10:30,251 --> 00:10:32,118
All right, guys,
let's not get discouraged, okay?
273
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:34,887
We just got to be more creative
about getting Jesus laid.
274
00:10:34,922 --> 00:10:37,590
I just tell folks to go down
to the Happy Handy Smile Massage
275
00:10:37,625 --> 00:10:39,091
and get it over with.
276
00:10:39,127 --> 00:10:40,393
I sometimes go down there,
277
00:10:40,428 --> 00:10:42,461
and when they tell me
I'm done, I leave.
278
00:10:42,497 --> 00:10:44,196
Hey, guys. Uh, Peter,
279
00:10:44,232 --> 00:10:45,965
can I talk to you for a sec?
Sure.
280
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,633
Peter, listen.
281
00:10:47,668 --> 00:10:50,403
I've found the woman who I'd
like to lose my virginity to.
282
00:10:50,438 --> 00:10:52,104
It's someone
who understands me
283
00:10:52,140 --> 00:10:53,806
and someone I feel
very close to.
284
00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,341
Oh, wow.
Jesus, that's great!
285
00:10:55,376 --> 00:10:56,909
Hey, is it
Carrie Underwood?
286
00:10:56,944 --> 00:10:58,711
Somebody told me you
guys went out once.
287
00:10:58,746 --> 00:11:01,414
Yeah, we did.
But it was a disaster.
288
00:11:01,449 --> 00:11:02,782
Jesus, take the wheel.
289
00:11:02,817 --> 00:11:03,817
What?
290
00:11:03,851 --> 00:11:05,851
I want to kill
these (bleep) cops!
291
00:11:07,522 --> 00:11:10,890
Actually, Peter, I want
my first time to be with...
292
00:11:10,925 --> 00:11:11,957
Lois.
293
00:11:11,993 --> 00:11:14,093
Lois, my partner
at the law firm?
294
00:11:14,128 --> 00:11:15,661
No, Peter. It's your Lois.
295
00:11:15,696 --> 00:11:17,129
Lois Griffin.
296
00:11:17,165 --> 00:11:19,765
What?! I am outraged!
297
00:11:19,801 --> 00:11:21,167
But probably not as outraged
298
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,569
as the ten million
Christians watching.
299
00:11:23,604 --> 00:11:25,671
Please write
to this address quickly.
300
00:11:25,706 --> 00:11:28,307
Maybe we can both stop
these Hollywood Jew writers
301
00:11:28,342 --> 00:11:30,943
from wrecking my marriage
and your religion.
302
00:11:35,882 --> 00:11:37,581
You want to lose your
virginity to Lois?!
303
00:11:37,617 --> 00:11:38,783
No way!
304
00:11:38,818 --> 00:11:40,584
Look, Peter, I know
it's a lot to ask.
305
00:11:40,620 --> 00:11:42,753
But if it wasn't okay,
I wouldn't suggest it.
306
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:44,288
Well, you make
a good point.
307
00:11:44,324 --> 00:11:46,324
But this is my wife
you're talking about!
308
00:11:46,359 --> 00:11:47,525
Please, Peter?
309
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,560
I just know Lois would
make my first experience
310
00:11:49,595 --> 00:11:51,629
as special and memorable
as it should be.
311
00:11:51,664 --> 00:11:53,864
Plus, I can make it
worth your while.
312
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:55,633
After all, I'm Jesus.
313
00:11:55,668 --> 00:11:57,535
I could give you
anything you want.
314
00:11:57,570 --> 00:11:58,803
Anything?
315
00:11:58,838 --> 00:12:00,972
Like... like anything
in the universe?
316
00:12:01,007 --> 00:12:02,073
Absolutely.
317
00:12:02,108 --> 00:12:03,140
Brookstone massage chair.
318
00:12:03,176 --> 00:12:04,176
Really?
319
00:12:04,177 --> 00:12:05,576
Are-are you sure?
320
00:12:05,611 --> 00:12:08,012
Yup. Never been more sure
of anything in my life.
321
00:12:08,047 --> 00:12:09,613
Well, except one thing.
322
00:12:09,649 --> 00:12:10,681
Good evening, sir.
323
00:12:10,717 --> 00:12:12,350
Would you like to
hear our specials?
324
00:12:12,385 --> 00:12:14,285
No! Pizza!
325
00:12:17,924 --> 00:12:19,357
Let me get
this straight.
326
00:12:19,392 --> 00:12:22,159
You want me to have
sex with another man?
327
00:12:22,195 --> 00:12:23,694
Oh, not just any man, Lois.
328
00:12:23,730 --> 00:12:25,196
This is Jesus
we're talking about.
329
00:12:25,231 --> 00:12:26,430
He's a savior.
330
00:12:26,466 --> 00:12:28,032
He could even save
our marriage.
331
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:30,267
Why? What's wrong
with our marriage?
332
00:12:30,303 --> 00:12:31,869
"What's wrong
with our marriage?"
333
00:12:31,904 --> 00:12:34,138
You're sitting around, talking
about sleeping with other guys!
334
00:12:34,173 --> 00:12:35,873
Peter, this was
your idea!
335
00:12:35,908 --> 00:12:37,775
Lois, let's not play
the blame game.
336
00:12:37,810 --> 00:12:39,844
Clearly, there's been a lot
of cheating on both sides,
337
00:12:39,879 --> 00:12:42,146
but the point is
where do we go from here?
338
00:12:42,181 --> 00:12:43,481
Huh, I don't know.
339
00:12:43,516 --> 00:12:45,816
Sleeping with Jesus
just feels wrong.
340
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,486
Doesn't the Bible say not to
covet thy neighbor's wife?
341
00:12:48,521 --> 00:12:49,720
Oh, come on, Lois,
the Bible's
342
00:12:49,756 --> 00:12:50,988
just a bunch
of general guidelines.
343
00:12:51,024 --> 00:12:52,923
None of the commandments
are written in stone.
344
00:12:52,959 --> 00:12:54,291
You're really
okay with this?
345
00:12:54,327 --> 00:12:55,327
Of course.
346
00:12:55,361 --> 00:12:57,395
Look, there really is
no downside to this.
347
00:12:57,430 --> 00:13:00,631
It's one of those things that
seems bad, but really is good.
348
00:13:00,666 --> 00:13:03,300
Like that fracking company
we let drill in the backyard.
349
00:13:04,704 --> 00:13:06,971
Well, I guess
it is kind of an honor
350
00:13:07,006 --> 00:13:08,973
that out of all the people
in the world,
351
00:13:09,008 --> 00:13:10,541
Jesus chose me.
352
00:13:10,576 --> 00:13:12,376
I mean, he could've had anyone.
353
00:13:12,412 --> 00:13:16,147
Elizabeth Perkins, Patricia
Richardson, Katey Sagal...
354
00:13:16,182 --> 00:13:18,616
Yeah! I-I mean, maybe not them,
but somebody else.
355
00:13:18,651 --> 00:13:21,552
And-and the Son of God's
first time should be special.
356
00:13:21,587 --> 00:13:23,788
Even divine.
357
00:13:23,823 --> 00:13:26,023
Maybe I'd actually be
doing a good thing.
358
00:13:26,059 --> 00:13:28,025
You sure about
this, Peter?
359
00:13:28,061 --> 00:13:29,061
You bet.
360
00:13:29,095 --> 00:13:32,129
As sure as I was
when I created Lady Gaga.
361
00:13:32,165 --> 00:13:34,031
All right, listen, fella,
your game is confusion.
362
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:35,132
Zip! Zam! Zoop!
363
00:13:35,168 --> 00:13:37,234
Nobody gets a straight
look at nothing!
364
00:13:42,141 --> 00:13:43,841
Boy, this must be
killing you.
365
00:13:43,876 --> 00:13:44,876
You're an atheist,
366
00:13:44,877 --> 00:13:46,477
and the one guy
you don't believe in
367
00:13:46,512 --> 00:13:48,345
is getting to bang
the woman of your dreams.
368
00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:50,981
You know what? I don't have
to sit here and take this.
369
00:13:51,017 --> 00:13:52,750
I'm out of here.
370
00:13:53,886 --> 00:13:56,454
Can-can you let me outside?
371
00:13:56,489 --> 00:13:58,456
(doorbell rings)
372
00:13:58,491 --> 00:13:59,924
Hi, Peter.
373
00:13:59,959 --> 00:14:01,625
Well, hello, young man.
374
00:14:01,661 --> 00:14:03,160
Don't you look nice?
375
00:14:03,196 --> 00:14:04,662
She's almost ready.
376
00:14:06,566 --> 00:14:10,134
♪ There she goes ♪
377
00:14:10,169 --> 00:14:14,338
♪ There she goes again ♪
378
00:14:14,373 --> 00:14:18,175
♪ Pulsing through my veins ♪
379
00:14:18,211 --> 00:14:21,245
♪ And I just can't contain... ♪
380
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,314
I'm sorry, I was just
coming down the stairs
381
00:14:23,349 --> 00:14:25,149
at the same time.
382
00:14:28,821 --> 00:14:31,622
Wow, Mom.
You look beautiful.
383
00:14:31,657 --> 00:14:33,224
Well, we know he's circumcised,
384
00:14:33,259 --> 00:14:35,126
so she won't have to deal
with that nonsense.
385
00:14:35,161 --> 00:14:37,061
Oh, and don't worry
about not hittinbottom.
386
00:14:37,096 --> 00:14:40,164
I've only grazed it once and
that was with a running start.
387
00:14:43,736 --> 00:14:45,769
Hey, Jerome, give me
another Pawtucket Pat.
388
00:14:45,805 --> 00:14:48,973
I'll take it over here
on my Brookstone massage chair.
389
00:14:49,008 --> 00:14:50,641
That's a nice
chair, Peter.
390
00:14:50,676 --> 00:14:52,910
Hey, do you think if I let
Jesus sleep with Bonnie,
391
00:14:52,945 --> 00:14:54,812
he'd give me back
the use of my legs?
392
00:14:54,847 --> 00:14:57,214
Joe, I don't speak for Jesus.
I just get him trim.
393
00:14:57,250 --> 00:15:00,518
Now to take this thing
out for a spin.
394
00:15:00,553 --> 00:15:02,153
(chair vibrating)
395
00:15:02,188 --> 00:15:04,188
(sighs)
396
00:15:09,395 --> 00:15:11,395
(birds squawking)
397
00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:17,601
Ah, time for a relaxing,
sponsored daydream.
398
00:15:23,576 --> 00:15:25,476
Oh, Jesus!
399
00:15:25,511 --> 00:15:28,412
Jesus! Jesus!
400
00:15:28,447 --> 00:15:29,914
(screams)
401
00:15:29,949 --> 00:15:31,749
God, I love
massage chairs.
402
00:15:31,784 --> 00:15:33,083
Are you in one, too?
403
00:15:33,119 --> 00:15:34,585
Yes, but it's horrible!
404
00:15:34,620 --> 00:15:37,588
It was bought for me by Jesus,
but now he's doing my wife!
405
00:15:37,623 --> 00:15:40,357
Oh. I'm just trying
mine out in the store.
406
00:15:41,827 --> 00:15:44,128
Guys! I think I might've
made a terrible mistake
407
00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:45,963
with this whole
Lois and Jesus thing!
408
00:15:45,998 --> 00:15:47,364
I don't blame you, Peter.
409
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,733
I always thought it was
sort of a strange choice
410
00:15:49,769 --> 00:15:52,636
to let Jesus have
relations with your wife.
411
00:15:52,672 --> 00:15:55,739
I'm sorry, did you say Jesus
is sleeping with your wife?
412
00:15:55,775 --> 00:15:57,007
Great, now everybody knows
413
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,210
my wife is taking
Jesus's virginity.
414
00:15:59,245 --> 00:16:01,512
Listen, pal,
Jesus ain't no virgin.
415
00:16:01,547 --> 00:16:03,781
He did the same thing
to me last Christmas.
416
00:16:03,816 --> 00:16:04,982
He what?!
417
00:16:05,017 --> 00:16:06,417
Yeah, Jesus did
the same thing
418
00:16:06,452 --> 00:16:08,185
to my wife
Christmas before last
419
00:16:08,221 --> 00:16:10,354
and my buddy's wife
the year before that.
420
00:16:10,389 --> 00:16:11,389
What the hell?
421
00:16:11,424 --> 00:16:12,756
But he's so lonely.
422
00:16:12,792 --> 00:16:15,326
Nah, he just acts lonely
and lies about being a virgin
423
00:16:15,361 --> 00:16:17,294
so he can get with guys' wives.
424
00:16:17,330 --> 00:16:19,096
Did he show you
that sad little apartment?
425
00:16:19,131 --> 00:16:20,431
He doesn't really live there.
426
00:16:20,466 --> 00:16:23,367
He just uses it to store art
he bought on cruises.
427
00:16:23,402 --> 00:16:25,536
Oh, my God, what have I done?!
428
00:16:25,571 --> 00:16:27,371
Peter, maybe there's still time!
Maybe you can stop them!
429
00:16:27,406 --> 00:16:28,672
Where are they?
430
00:16:28,708 --> 00:16:30,808
They're at the Barrington Hotel!
Let's go, guys!
431
00:16:30,843 --> 00:16:33,510
I just ordered nachos,
but good luck, Peter.
432
00:16:33,546 --> 00:16:37,481
Now for a slippy, no-boots run
through the snow to my car.
433
00:16:37,516 --> 00:16:39,516
(gasping)
434
00:16:51,430 --> 00:16:52,630
(screams) Aw, crap!
435
00:16:52,665 --> 00:16:54,531
I just pulled
a thousand muscles!
436
00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:56,567
(grunting)
437
00:17:03,576 --> 00:17:04,975
(screams)
438
00:17:05,011 --> 00:17:07,011
(grunting)
439
00:17:09,148 --> 00:17:10,714
Ow! That was a loud crack!
440
00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:12,249
Ah, yeah, that was all bone!
441
00:17:12,285 --> 00:17:14,351
Oh! Aw! Son of a whore!
442
00:17:14,387 --> 00:17:16,453
Oh, this is bad.
This is real bad.
443
00:17:16,489 --> 00:17:18,322
I'm not gonna go
to the doctor though.
444
00:17:19,892 --> 00:17:21,091
(ignition sputters)
445
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:22,259
Damn it!
446
00:17:23,529 --> 00:17:25,362
(tires screech)
447
00:17:25,398 --> 00:17:26,964
Get out!
I need this car!
448
00:17:26,999 --> 00:17:28,198
What are you, a cop?
449
00:17:28,234 --> 00:17:31,035
No! Jesus is about to
have sex with my wife!
450
00:17:31,070 --> 00:17:33,037
Oh, then here! Take it!
451
00:17:33,072 --> 00:17:34,605
Get out!
I need this car!
452
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:35,873
So do I!
453
00:17:35,908 --> 00:17:37,975
Jesus Christ is about
to have sex with my wife!
454
00:17:38,010 --> 00:17:40,477
Lenny Kravitz is about
to have sex with my daughter!
455
00:17:40,513 --> 00:17:41,979
Oh! Oh, my God!
456
00:17:42,014 --> 00:17:45,082
Here, take the car!
Take the car!
457
00:17:45,117 --> 00:17:46,317
Get out of here!
What are you doing?!
458
00:17:46,352 --> 00:17:48,185
Go, go, go!
459
00:17:49,221 --> 00:17:50,854
Hey, kid, I need
that toboggan!
460
00:17:50,890 --> 00:17:53,257
Jesus Christ is gonna
have sex with my wife!
461
00:17:53,292 --> 00:17:55,025
Um, okay.
462
00:17:55,061 --> 00:17:56,794
And I need
your little hat.
463
00:17:56,829 --> 00:17:59,063
And those Spider-Man mittens--
I'll need those, too.
464
00:17:59,098 --> 00:18:01,065
And what's in
your pockets?
465
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:03,767
A rabbit's foot, a penknife,
a bottle cap, a compass...
466
00:18:03,803 --> 00:18:05,803
All of it, all of it.
467
00:18:12,378 --> 00:18:14,378
(tires screeching)
468
00:18:17,216 --> 00:18:19,350
Aw, crap. I'm out of hill.
469
00:18:21,921 --> 00:18:23,454
You there! Boy!
470
00:18:23,489 --> 00:18:24,955
What does that sign say?
471
00:18:24,990 --> 00:18:26,890
I ain't much
for book reading, sir.
472
00:18:26,926 --> 00:18:29,526
But I seen our Lord and Savior
bring a lady in there
473
00:18:29,562 --> 00:18:31,495
for a Christmas rodgering,
I did.
474
00:18:31,530 --> 00:18:32,563
You're a good boy.
475
00:18:32,598 --> 00:18:33,997
Here's a goose.
476
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:35,599
(goose honks)
477
00:18:36,969 --> 00:18:38,535
What room is Jesus in?
478
00:18:38,571 --> 00:18:39,970
What room is
Lenny Kravitz in?
479
00:18:40,005 --> 00:18:42,439
Aw, you were coming here, too?
We could've carpooled.
480
00:18:42,475 --> 00:18:44,074
(elevator bell dings)
481
00:18:44,110 --> 00:18:46,210
Lois! Lois!
482
00:18:46,245 --> 00:18:47,945
You son of a bitch!
483
00:18:47,980 --> 00:18:50,013
What have you done
to my marriage?!
484
00:18:50,049 --> 00:18:51,181
Peter?
485
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,316
Lois, don't do this!
486
00:18:52,351 --> 00:18:55,085
I think I had, like,
a Christmas miracle.
487
00:18:55,121 --> 00:18:57,254
I realized I don't
want other people
488
00:18:57,289 --> 00:18:59,223
humping my wife
for a chair.
489
00:18:59,258 --> 00:19:00,424
It's okay, Peter.
490
00:19:00,459 --> 00:19:01,525
Nothing happened.
491
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:02,560
It didn't?
492
00:19:02,561 --> 00:19:04,528
No, I couldn't
sleep with him.
493
00:19:04,563 --> 00:19:06,330
Not that I wasn't tempted.
494
00:19:06,365 --> 00:19:09,266
He put actual strawberries
in a glass of champagne,
495
00:19:09,301 --> 00:19:12,369
which was about the classiest,
sexiest thing I'd ever seen.
496
00:19:12,405 --> 00:19:13,405
But...
497
00:19:13,439 --> 00:19:15,839
I couldn't go through with it.
498
00:19:15,875 --> 00:19:18,375
Our marriage is
too important to me.
499
00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:22,413
I love you, Lois.
500
00:19:22,448 --> 00:19:25,582
I don't know what
I was thinking.
501
00:19:25,618 --> 00:19:29,453
But you!
You're a liar, Jesus!
502
00:19:29,488 --> 00:19:31,555
Bravo, Peter, Lois.
503
00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:34,958
Seems like you folks learned
the lesson I intended.
504
00:19:34,994 --> 00:19:36,093
What lesson?
505
00:19:36,128 --> 00:19:38,128
Oh, you know, uh...
506
00:19:38,164 --> 00:19:41,064
that, uh, this holiest
of days is about,
507
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:43,667
uh, appreciating...
508
00:19:43,702 --> 00:19:48,672
our loved ones and, uh,
resisting... temptation.
509
00:19:48,707 --> 00:19:50,874
Oh, so it was a test.
510
00:19:50,910 --> 00:19:53,777
Like when your father told
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
511
00:19:53,813 --> 00:19:54,945
Yes! That!
512
00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:56,847
That's exactly right!
513
00:19:56,882 --> 00:19:59,149
Uh, well, I can see
my work here is done.
514
00:19:59,185 --> 00:20:01,819
Well taught, Jesus.
Well taught.
515
00:20:01,854 --> 00:20:03,220
Yeah, I guess.
Who cares?
516
00:20:03,255 --> 00:20:06,190
I'm not even real.
Merry Christmas.
517
00:20:11,697 --> 00:20:13,297
Well, Lois, I'm sure glad
518
00:20:13,332 --> 00:20:14,998
you didn't have sex
with the Messiah.
519
00:20:15,034 --> 00:20:16,333
Me, too, Peter.
520
00:20:16,368 --> 00:20:18,602
Now let's open
your presents, kids.
521
00:20:18,637 --> 00:20:20,971
Oh, Rupert, you're
such a sneak.
522
00:20:21,006 --> 00:20:22,706
I wonder what it is.
523
00:20:24,710 --> 00:20:27,611
Oh. A Joni Mitchell CD.
524
00:20:27,646 --> 00:20:30,714
"To continue your
emotional education."
525
00:20:30,749 --> 00:20:31,982
That's great.
(chuckles)
526
00:20:32,017 --> 00:20:33,650
That's really great.
527
00:20:33,686 --> 00:20:36,920
Could you excuse me
for just one moment?
528
00:20:36,956 --> 00:20:39,623
♪ I've looked at clouds
from both sides now... ♪
529
00:20:39,658 --> 00:20:42,593
Who did he buy
the necklace for?
530
00:20:43,828 --> 00:20:47,301
I'm gonna let that teddy bear
go all the way.
531
00:20:48,270 --> 00:20:54,770
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man