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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,007 --> 00:00:08,275
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,310 --> 00:00:11,845
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,881 --> 00:00:14,848
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,769 --> 00:00:30,769
♪ Family Guy 13x06 ♪ The 2000-Year-Old
Virgin Original Air Date on December 6, 2014
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00:00:30,770 --> 00:00:37,270
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry
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Oh, I love shopping at Christmastime.
13
00:00:40,209 --> 00:00:42,743
Ugh, mall food courts
are so depressing.
14
00:00:42,778 --> 00:00:44,878
You can always tell
which fathers are disappointed
15
00:00:44,914 --> 00:00:48,148
in their sons because they eat
lunch with their coats still on.
16
00:00:48,183 --> 00:00:49,650
How's that food,
dum-dum?
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00:00:49,685 --> 00:00:51,151
Too bad eating ain't math,
18
00:00:51,186 --> 00:00:53,020
'cause then I'd have something
to be proud of.
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00:00:53,055 --> 00:00:54,688
I want to go live with Mom.
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00:00:54,723 --> 00:00:56,857
I know. So do I.
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Welcome to Tommy Bahama.
22
00:00:59,328 --> 00:01:01,361
Yeah, you got anything
for a poor fat person
23
00:01:01,397 --> 00:01:03,230
who wants to look
like a rich fat person?
24
00:01:03,265 --> 00:01:04,431
Of course.
25
00:01:04,466 --> 00:01:06,366
Now, I'll mostly be
hitting on waitresses
26
00:01:06,402 --> 00:01:08,835
who are too young and thin
to ever be interested in me.
27
00:01:08,871 --> 00:01:11,238
Hitting on them in a
kindly, genial way?
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00:01:11,273 --> 00:01:12,906
No, in a threatening, creepy,
29
00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:14,841
I'm-joking-but-I'm-not-
really-joking way.
30
00:01:14,877 --> 00:01:16,476
Y-You have anything
for that?
31
00:01:16,512 --> 00:01:19,413
Sir, what you're describing is
precisely Mr. Bahama's vision.
32
00:01:19,448 --> 00:01:23,450
Tommy Bahama... five
million uncles can't be wrong.
33
00:01:23,485 --> 00:01:26,787
Hey, sorry to bother you,
but would you like to work here?
34
00:01:26,822 --> 00:01:29,122
Me?
Yeah, you'd be perfect.
35
00:01:29,158 --> 00:01:32,759
All right, now let me just take
off these security tags for you.
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00:01:34,763 --> 00:01:36,863
It's a living.
37
00:01:41,637 --> 00:01:43,770
So random!
38
00:01:43,806 --> 00:01:46,306
That's a comment on us.
39
00:01:46,342 --> 00:01:48,475
Hey, check that out.
40
00:01:51,246 --> 00:01:53,981
Oh, wow. This is awesome!
41
00:01:54,016 --> 00:01:56,817
You know Jeff Garlin has
one of these in his house.
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00:01:56,852 --> 00:01:59,486
Ah, I love this chair.
43
00:01:59,521 --> 00:02:02,522
Dog in a Jets jersey, get in here!
44
00:02:02,558 --> 00:02:05,292
God, I have the best basement.
45
00:02:05,327 --> 00:02:08,462
Peter, this chair costs $3,000.
46
00:02:08,497 --> 00:02:09,930
That's not so much, Lois.
47
00:02:09,965 --> 00:02:13,000
It's only infinity times what
you bring home every week.
48
00:02:13,035 --> 00:02:14,035
Peter, look over there.
49
00:02:14,036 --> 00:02:17,437
Is that...
is that Jesus?
50
00:02:17,473 --> 00:02:19,306
Whoa, yeah, wow.
51
00:02:19,341 --> 00:02:21,108
It's been a while since we've seen him.
52
00:02:21,143 --> 00:02:22,175
Hey, Jesus!
53
00:02:22,211 --> 00:02:23,343
Oh, hey, guys.
54
00:02:23,379 --> 00:02:25,612
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing in Quahog?
55
00:02:25,647 --> 00:02:27,214
Actually, I never left.
56
00:02:27,249 --> 00:02:29,116
Really?
Why didn't you call us?
57
00:02:29,151 --> 00:02:31,618
Well, I felt kind of bad
about how we left things.
58
00:02:31,653 --> 00:02:33,420
I wasn't sure you'd
want to hear from me.
59
00:02:33,455 --> 00:02:34,455
Oh, that's silly.
60
00:02:34,456 --> 00:02:36,590
We could never stay mad at you.
61
00:02:36,625 --> 00:02:38,392
Yeah, I've never been one
to hold grudges.
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00:02:38,427 --> 00:02:41,094
I even forgave the man
who murdered my son.
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00:02:41,130 --> 00:02:44,431
And although I will never
get over the pain
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00:02:44,466 --> 00:02:48,268
of what you did to my son,
I forgive you,
65
00:02:48,303 --> 00:02:52,439
because I believe you are sick
and in need of help.
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00:02:52,474 --> 00:02:54,541
Mr. Griffin, this is
the Office of City Planning.
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00:02:54,576 --> 00:02:57,077
You requested a variance to
build a hot tub off your garage.
68
00:02:57,112 --> 00:02:59,079
Oh, yeah.
Did I get it?
69
00:02:59,114 --> 00:03:00,247
No.
70
00:03:00,282 --> 00:03:01,381
I will kill your son!
71
00:03:01,417 --> 00:03:02,883
Your son is dead!
72
00:03:02,918 --> 00:03:05,152
I'm so glad there's no hard feelings.
73
00:03:05,187 --> 00:03:06,686
Listen, Peter, we should catch up.
74
00:03:06,722 --> 00:03:08,755
Why don't you come over to my
place for a beer or something?
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00:03:08,791 --> 00:03:09,791
Aw, that sounds great!
76
00:03:09,792 --> 00:03:11,391
Hey, you want me to pick anything up
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00:03:11,427 --> 00:03:13,026
on the way over or no, you're good?
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00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:14,194
Oh, uh...
79
00:03:14,229 --> 00:03:16,430
I-I guess we could maybe
just order something.
80
00:03:16,465 --> 00:03:18,865
Yeah, I don't have any cash,
but we'll figure it out.
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00:03:23,338 --> 00:03:25,839
Hey, Peter.
Come on in.
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00:03:25,874 --> 00:03:28,108
Mi casa es, uh...
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00:03:28,143 --> 00:03:29,609
I-I don't know Spanish.
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00:03:29,645 --> 00:03:33,547
Huh, I think half the world
would be surprised to know that.
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00:03:33,582 --> 00:03:35,282
Hey, nice place here.
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00:03:35,317 --> 00:03:37,284
This is not too... too...
87
00:03:37,319 --> 00:03:39,886
it's not... it's not too...
not too good.
88
00:03:39,922 --> 00:03:41,855
Yeah, I know it's nothing fancy,
89
00:03:41,890 --> 00:03:44,558
but, you know, I'm not really
into material possessions.
90
00:03:44,593 --> 00:03:45,892
Geez, this place is depressing.
91
00:03:45,928 --> 00:03:47,528
Hey, how come you aren't
with your family
92
00:03:47,529 --> 00:03:48,762
during Christmas, anyway?
93
00:03:48,797 --> 00:03:51,264
I can't deal with my family
during the holidays.
94
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,033
And besides, my dad
always spends Christmas
95
00:03:53,068 --> 00:03:55,669
at his time-share in Coral
Gables with his girlfriend.
96
00:03:57,039 --> 00:04:00,173
Great, here comes that couple
with the adult disabled kid.
97
00:04:00,209 --> 00:04:01,808
Hey, can we join you?
98
00:04:01,844 --> 00:04:05,645
I-I'm Ken, this is Pam,
and this right here is Scott.
99
00:04:05,681 --> 00:04:07,714
We really want to thank
you, God, for testing us.
100
00:04:07,749 --> 00:04:09,216
It's been such a blessing.
101
00:04:09,251 --> 00:04:12,819
Can't wait to see what
that "bigger plan" is.
102
00:04:12,855 --> 00:04:14,087
Well, I can't tell you that.
103
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:17,791
But the good news is, this little
guy's gonna make it to 74.
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00:04:17,826 --> 00:04:20,660
Oh, look, Jesus, you shouldn't
be alone during Christmas.
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00:04:20,696 --> 00:04:21,995
And if I remember correctly,
106
00:04:22,030 --> 00:04:23,797
isn't your birthday sometime soon, too?
107
00:04:23,832 --> 00:04:25,499
Ah, whatever, I'm fine.
108
00:04:25,534 --> 00:04:27,701
I'll probably just reheat some
ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy.
109
00:04:27,736 --> 00:04:30,003
No way. I'm not gonna
let my pal Jesus
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00:04:30,038 --> 00:04:31,198
spend his birthday like that.
111
00:04:31,206 --> 00:04:32,439
Hey, you know what?
112
00:04:32,474 --> 00:04:34,708
I am throwing you
the best birthday party ever.
113
00:04:34,743 --> 00:04:36,076
Are you sure about that?
114
00:04:36,111 --> 00:04:37,777
Yeah, I'm great at throwing parties.
115
00:04:37,813 --> 00:04:39,813
I was in charge of planning Woodstock.
116
00:04:39,848 --> 00:04:41,481
All right, guys, here's
what I'm thinking...
117
00:04:41,517 --> 00:04:44,017
A whole festival of muddy boobs.
118
00:04:44,052 --> 00:04:45,819
Well, don't you want to have music?
119
00:04:45,854 --> 00:04:47,154
Oh, yeah.
120
00:04:47,189 --> 00:04:49,422
That's a good way to get
those muddy boobs moving.
121
00:04:53,662 --> 00:04:56,897
All right, you guys, Jesus's
birthday party is gonna be epic.
122
00:04:56,932 --> 00:04:58,532
Hey, since it's also Christmas,
123
00:04:58,567 --> 00:05:00,400
maybe we could make it,
like, a Christmas theme.
124
00:05:00,435 --> 00:05:01,835
What about Secret Santa?
125
00:05:01,870 --> 00:05:03,036
That's always fun.
126
00:05:03,071 --> 00:05:04,938
Okay, but five dollar limit.
127
00:05:04,973 --> 00:05:06,506
Why don't we just say no gifts?
128
00:05:06,542 --> 00:05:09,022
Come on, guys, we don't have to
make such a big thing about it.
129
00:05:09,044 --> 00:05:10,977
It's not like I'm a woman
who's about to turn 30.
130
00:05:11,013 --> 00:05:13,246
You guys, I don't care
what we do for my birthday,
131
00:05:13,282 --> 00:05:14,881
as long as it lasts the whole week
132
00:05:14,917 --> 00:05:17,584
and is very expensive and
inconvenient for all my friends.
133
00:05:17,619 --> 00:05:19,319
Oh, and I'm gonna dress like a slut
134
00:05:19,354 --> 00:05:20,954
and be rude to everyone for no reason.
135
00:05:20,989 --> 00:05:22,155
But, Maya...
136
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:23,591
I don't care that your dad's dying,
137
00:05:23,592 --> 00:05:25,992
we're all going to
Montreal for the week.
138
00:05:26,028 --> 00:05:27,028
Wait, wait, hold on.
139
00:05:27,029 --> 00:05:28,461
If we're planning a party,
140
00:05:28,497 --> 00:05:30,330
we haven't even talked about
the most important thing.
141
00:05:30,365 --> 00:05:32,866
A hydration plan for
people who overheat?
142
00:05:32,901 --> 00:05:35,202
It could be as simple as an ice bath.
143
00:05:35,237 --> 00:05:36,703
No, no, I'm talking about women.
144
00:05:36,738 --> 00:05:38,905
Oh, yeah, we definitely need
some women there.
145
00:05:38,941 --> 00:05:40,421
Jesus, what kind of girls do you like?
146
00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:41,641
Women?
147
00:05:41,677 --> 00:05:43,777
Uh, all types, I guess.
148
00:05:43,812 --> 00:05:44,911
"All types"?
149
00:05:44,947 --> 00:05:46,246
Come on, Jesus.
150
00:05:46,281 --> 00:05:48,548
Even Martin Lawrence when he
used to dress up like Shenehneh?
151
00:05:48,584 --> 00:05:50,450
Shenehneh!
152
00:05:50,485 --> 00:05:51,751
No, you know what I mean.
153
00:05:51,787 --> 00:05:53,853
Uh, like, uh, hot ladies.
154
00:05:53,889 --> 00:05:55,989
Horny ones who sex on you.
155
00:05:56,024 --> 00:05:57,024
What?
156
00:05:57,025 --> 00:05:58,325
Yeah, you know.
157
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,261
They come back to your house
and sit on your... butt.
158
00:06:01,296 --> 00:06:02,562
Wait a minute.
159
00:06:02,598 --> 00:06:05,966
Jesus, have you ever been with a woman?
160
00:06:06,001 --> 00:06:09,002
Are you...
are you a virgin?
161
00:06:09,037 --> 00:06:10,971
Yeah, I am.
162
00:06:11,006 --> 00:06:12,572
How the hell does that happen?
163
00:06:12,608 --> 00:06:15,875
Well, in high school, my best
friend was this hot prostitute,
164
00:06:15,911 --> 00:06:17,944
and I just kind of got
into the friend zone.
165
00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:19,746
She's all like,
"Oh, there's all these guys
166
00:06:19,781 --> 00:06:21,014
having sex with me for money."
167
00:06:21,049 --> 00:06:22,649
And I'm all like,
"Oh, you deserve better."
168
00:06:22,684 --> 00:06:23,684
And then I die.
169
00:06:23,719 --> 00:06:25,151
Well, sex is overrated.
170
00:06:25,187 --> 00:06:26,286
Stay out of this, Joe.
171
00:06:26,321 --> 00:06:27,520
All right, look, forget the party.
172
00:06:27,556 --> 00:06:29,256
We got a more important mission now.
173
00:06:29,291 --> 00:06:33,226
Your 2,000-year-long cold streak
is about to come to an end.
174
00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:34,661
What do you mean?
175
00:06:34,696 --> 00:06:38,164
I'm saying, Jesus, we are gonna
help you lose your virginity.
176
00:06:39,635 --> 00:06:41,067
God, I love sex!
177
00:06:47,726 --> 00:06:49,160
All right, me and the guys are off
178
00:06:49,161 --> 00:06:50,494
to help Jesus lose his virginity.
179
00:06:50,529 --> 00:06:52,963
Just put it in the oven
for half an hour at 350.
180
00:06:52,998 --> 00:06:53,998
What?
I don't know.
181
00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:56,000
That's what you always say
when you leave the house.
182
00:06:56,035 --> 00:06:57,768
Oh, Peter, just be careful.
183
00:06:57,803 --> 00:06:59,736
Losing your virginity is a big deal.
184
00:06:59,772 --> 00:07:01,972
I'm sure Jesus doesn't want
some gross quickie.
185
00:07:02,007 --> 00:07:03,841
No, no, no, it's gonna
be nothing like that.
186
00:07:03,876 --> 00:07:05,976
Just some random slut to maul in a bar
187
00:07:06,011 --> 00:07:07,411
back where the payphones used to be.
188
00:07:07,446 --> 00:07:09,313
Peter, that's what I'm talking about.
189
00:07:09,348 --> 00:07:10,914
You're making this whole thing crude.
190
00:07:10,950 --> 00:07:12,583
It's his first time.
191
00:07:12,618 --> 00:07:13,951
You need to be more sensitive.
192
00:07:13,986 --> 00:07:15,085
Don't worry, Lois.
193
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:16,920
I swear, I'll be sensitive and gentle.
194
00:07:16,956 --> 00:07:19,723
Like the Tasmanian Devil
tucking in his kids.
195
00:07:41,914 --> 00:07:44,615
All right, Jesus, these speed
date nights are the best way
196
00:07:44,650 --> 00:07:46,283
to meet a lot of chicks fast.
197
00:07:46,318 --> 00:07:47,351
Now go get 'em.
198
00:07:47,386 --> 00:07:48,752
So, where do you live?
199
00:07:48,787 --> 00:07:50,420
Everywhere, all places.
200
00:07:50,456 --> 00:07:51,688
Hopefully, inside you.
201
00:07:52,725 --> 00:07:54,224
This is kind of embarrassing,
202
00:07:54,260 --> 00:07:55,860
but are you okay
with someone who smokes?
203
00:07:55,861 --> 00:07:57,160
Oh, yeah.
204
00:07:57,196 --> 00:07:58,929
A-Are you okay with someone
who wanders the desert,
205
00:07:58,964 --> 00:08:00,204
lecturing people on how to act?
206
00:08:01,066 --> 00:08:02,499
So, are you having a good Friday?
207
00:08:02,535 --> 00:08:03,867
Oh, is that supposed to be funny?
208
00:08:03,903 --> 00:08:04,903
Shut your mouth, bitch.
209
00:08:05,971 --> 00:08:07,638
How's the wine?
It's terrific.
210
00:08:07,673 --> 00:08:08,872
That's my blood, you know.
211
00:08:09,909 --> 00:08:11,675
Where are you from?
Israel.
212
00:08:14,980 --> 00:08:16,079
All right, Jesus,
213
00:08:16,115 --> 00:08:18,048
nowadays, everything is done
on the Internet.
214
00:08:18,083 --> 00:08:20,117
All right? So, we got
to get you on Facebook.
215
00:08:20,152 --> 00:08:22,286
Uhp, let me just close
a couple of these windows.
216
00:08:22,321 --> 00:08:23,387
There we go.
217
00:08:23,422 --> 00:08:25,188
Sorry, I was up late last night.
218
00:08:25,224 --> 00:08:26,590
Had the house to myself.
219
00:08:26,625 --> 00:08:28,025
Sorry. Sorry.
220
00:08:28,060 --> 00:08:29,526
Lot of POV stuff.
221
00:08:29,562 --> 00:08:31,562
Yeah, I like to pretend
it's mine down there
222
00:08:31,597 --> 00:08:33,230
what's doing all the slapping.
223
00:08:33,265 --> 00:08:35,732
Peter, how old is that girl?
224
00:08:35,768 --> 00:08:37,267
Excuse me, won't you?
225
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:12,002
Ar... lot of scumbags out today.
226
00:09:15,307 --> 00:09:17,841
Well, no luck getting Jesus laid yet.
227
00:09:17,876 --> 00:09:18,976
I don't get it.
228
00:09:19,011 --> 00:09:20,777
Jewish guys are supposed
to be swimming in tail.
229
00:09:20,813 --> 00:09:24,247
Peter, Jesus is never gonna find
a woman going about it your way.
230
00:09:24,283 --> 00:09:26,516
I think it's time I had
a little talk with him
231
00:09:26,552 --> 00:09:28,485
so he knows what a woman really wants.
232
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,020
All right, knock yourself out.
233
00:09:30,055 --> 00:09:32,055
Don't look! Don't look!
Don't look!
234
00:09:36,662 --> 00:09:38,428
Jesus, I asked you to lunch
235
00:09:38,464 --> 00:09:40,797
because I think you've
been getting bad advice
236
00:09:40,833 --> 00:09:42,733
about finding a special someone.
237
00:09:42,768 --> 00:09:44,301
Well, Peter's been doing his best,
238
00:09:44,336 --> 00:09:46,603
but lately he seems more
focused on marketing
239
00:09:46,639 --> 00:09:48,538
his erotic Advent calendar.
240
00:09:48,574 --> 00:09:51,108
All right, kids, let's see
what's under Christmas...
241
00:09:51,143 --> 00:09:53,477
Ugh, another puckered anus.
242
00:09:53,512 --> 00:09:57,214
Look, Jesus, just forget whatever
Peter's been telling you.
243
00:09:57,249 --> 00:09:59,049
You just have to be yourself
244
00:09:59,084 --> 00:10:01,585
and let a sweet girl
see that side of you.
245
00:10:01,620 --> 00:10:03,920
Well, you're easy to talk to.
246
00:10:03,956 --> 00:10:06,189
I just get all tongue-tied
with other girls.
247
00:10:06,225 --> 00:10:08,659
Plus, being myself
isn't that impressive.
248
00:10:08,694 --> 00:10:09,926
What do you mean?
249
00:10:09,962 --> 00:10:11,261
You're sensitive,
250
00:10:11,296 --> 00:10:13,664
you died for our sins
and ascended into Heaven,
251
00:10:13,699 --> 00:10:15,098
and you got nice skin.
252
00:10:15,134 --> 00:10:17,534
Don't be afraid
to be honest with a girl
253
00:10:17,569 --> 00:10:18,769
and show her who you are.
254
00:10:18,804 --> 00:10:20,570
Wow, thanks, Lois.
255
00:10:20,606 --> 00:10:23,273
That's the second best advice
anyone's ever given me.
256
00:10:23,308 --> 00:10:24,341
I don't know, man.
257
00:10:24,376 --> 00:10:26,543
Jesus Hitler Christ sounds weird.
258
00:10:26,578 --> 00:10:28,712
So just go with "H"?
Yeah.
259
00:10:32,551 --> 00:10:34,418
All right, guys,
let's not get discouraged, okay?
260
00:10:34,453 --> 00:10:37,187
We just got to be more creative
about getting Jesus laid.
261
00:10:37,222 --> 00:10:39,890
I just tell folks to go down
to the Happy Handy Smile Massage
262
00:10:39,925 --> 00:10:41,391
and get it over with.
263
00:10:41,427 --> 00:10:42,693
I sometimes go down there,
264
00:10:42,728 --> 00:10:44,761
and when they tell me
I'm done, I leave.
265
00:10:44,797 --> 00:10:46,496
Hey, guys. Uh, Peter,
266
00:10:46,532 --> 00:10:48,265
can I talk to you for a sec?
Sure.
267
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,933
Peter, listen.
268
00:10:49,968 --> 00:10:52,703
I've found the woman who I'd
like to lose my virginity to.
269
00:10:52,738 --> 00:10:54,404
It's someone who understands me
270
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,106
and someone I feel very close to.
271
00:10:56,141 --> 00:10:57,641
Oh, wow.
Jesus, that's great!
272
00:10:57,676 --> 00:10:59,209
Hey, is it Carrie Underwood?
273
00:10:59,244 --> 00:11:01,011
Somebody told me you
guys went out once.
274
00:11:01,046 --> 00:11:03,714
Yeah, we did.
But it was a disaster.
275
00:11:03,749 --> 00:11:05,082
Jesus, take the wheel.
276
00:11:05,117 --> 00:11:06,117
What?
277
00:11:06,151 --> 00:11:08,151
I want to kill these fucking cops!
278
00:11:09,822 --> 00:11:13,190
Actually, Peter, I want
my first time to be with...
279
00:11:13,225 --> 00:11:14,257
Lois.
280
00:11:14,293 --> 00:11:16,393
Lois, my partner at the law firm?
281
00:11:16,428 --> 00:11:17,961
No, Peter. It's your Lois.
282
00:11:17,996 --> 00:11:19,429
Lois Griffin.
283
00:11:19,465 --> 00:11:22,065
What?! I am outraged!
284
00:11:22,101 --> 00:11:23,467
But probably not as outraged
285
00:11:23,502 --> 00:11:25,869
as the ten million Christians watching.
286
00:11:25,904 --> 00:11:27,971
Please write to this address quickly.
287
00:11:28,006 --> 00:11:30,607
Maybe we can both stop
these Hollywood Jew writers
288
00:11:30,642 --> 00:11:33,243
from wrecking my marriage
and your religion.
289
00:11:39,682 --> 00:11:41,381
You want to lose your
virginity to Lois?!
290
00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:42,417
No way!
291
00:11:42,418 --> 00:11:44,184
Look, Peter, I know it's a lot to ask.
292
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:46,353
But if it wasn't okay,
I wouldn't suggest it.
293
00:11:46,389 --> 00:11:47,888
Well, you make a good point.
294
00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:49,924
But this is my wife
you're talking about!
295
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,125
Please, Peter?
296
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,160
I just know Lois would
make my first experience
297
00:11:53,195 --> 00:11:55,229
as special and memorable
as it should be.
298
00:11:55,264 --> 00:11:57,464
Plus, I can make it worth your while.
299
00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:59,233
After all, I'm Jesus.
300
00:11:59,268 --> 00:12:01,135
I could give you anything you want.
301
00:12:01,170 --> 00:12:02,403
Anything?
302
00:12:02,438 --> 00:12:04,572
Like... like anything
in the universe?
303
00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:05,673
Absolutely.
304
00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:06,740
Brookstone massage chair.
305
00:12:06,776 --> 00:12:07,776
Really?
306
00:12:07,777 --> 00:12:09,176
Are-are you sure?
307
00:12:09,211 --> 00:12:11,612
Yup. Never been more sure
of anything in my life.
308
00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:13,213
Well, except one thing.
309
00:12:13,249 --> 00:12:14,281
Good evening, sir.
310
00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:15,950
Would you like to hear our specials?
311
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,885
No! Pizza!
312
00:12:21,524 --> 00:12:22,957
Let me get this straight.
313
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,759
You want me to have
sex with another man?
314
00:12:25,795 --> 00:12:27,294
Oh, not just any man, Lois.
315
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,796
This is Jesus we're talking about.
316
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,030
He's a savior.
317
00:12:30,066 --> 00:12:31,632
He could even save our marriage.
318
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,867
Why? What's wrong
with our marriage?
319
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:35,469
"What's wrong
with our marriage?"
320
00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:37,738
You're sitting around, talking
about sleeping with other guys!
321
00:12:37,773 --> 00:12:39,473
Peter, this was your idea!
322
00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:41,375
Lois, let's not play the blame game.
323
00:12:41,410 --> 00:12:43,444
Clearly, there's been a lot
of cheating on both sides,
324
00:12:43,479 --> 00:12:45,746
but the point is
where do we go from here?
325
00:12:45,781 --> 00:12:47,081
Huh, I don't know.
326
00:12:47,116 --> 00:12:49,416
Sleeping with Jesus just feels wrong.
327
00:12:49,452 --> 00:12:52,086
Doesn't the Bible say not to
covet thy neighbor's wife?
328
00:12:52,121 --> 00:12:53,321
Oh, come on, Lois, the Bible's
329
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:54,588
just a bunch of general guidelines.
330
00:12:54,624 --> 00:12:56,523
None of the commandments
are written in stone.
331
00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:57,891
You're really okay with this?
332
00:12:57,927 --> 00:12:58,927
Of course.
333
00:12:58,961 --> 00:13:00,995
Look, there really is
no downside to this.
334
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:04,231
It's one of those things that
seems bad, but really is good.
335
00:13:04,266 --> 00:13:06,900
Like that fracking company
we let drill in the backyard.
336
00:13:08,304 --> 00:13:10,571
Well, I guess it is kind of an honor
337
00:13:10,606 --> 00:13:14,141
that out of all the people in
the world, Jesus chose me.
338
00:13:14,176 --> 00:13:15,976
I mean, he could've had anyone.
339
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:19,747
Elizabeth Perkins, Patricia
Richardson, Katey Sagal...
340
00:13:19,782 --> 00:13:22,216
Yeah! I-I mean, maybe not them,
but somebody else.
341
00:13:22,251 --> 00:13:25,152
And-and the Son of God's
first time should be special.
342
00:13:25,187 --> 00:13:27,388
Even divine.
343
00:13:27,423 --> 00:13:29,623
Maybe I'd actually be
doing a good thing.
344
00:13:29,659 --> 00:13:31,625
You sure about this, Peter?
345
00:13:31,661 --> 00:13:32,661
You bet.
346
00:13:32,695 --> 00:13:35,729
As sure as I was
when I created Lady Gaga.
347
00:13:35,765 --> 00:13:37,631
All right, listen, fella,
your game is confusion.
348
00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:38,732
Zip! Zam! Zoop!
349
00:13:38,768 --> 00:13:40,834
Nobody gets a straight look at nothing!
350
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,441
Boy, this must be killing you.
351
00:13:47,476 --> 00:13:50,077
You're an atheist, and the
one guy you don't believe in
352
00:13:50,112 --> 00:13:51,945
is getting to bang
the woman of your dreams.
353
00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:54,581
You know what? I don't have
to sit here and take this.
354
00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:56,350
I'm out of here.
355
00:13:57,486 --> 00:14:00,054
Can-can you let me outside?
356
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,524
Hi, Peter.
357
00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:05,225
Well, hello, young man.
358
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,760
Don't you look nice?
359
00:14:06,796 --> 00:14:08,262
She's almost ready.
360
00:14:10,166 --> 00:14:13,734
♪ There she goes ♪
361
00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:17,938
♪ There she goes again ♪
362
00:14:17,973 --> 00:14:21,775
♪ Pulsing through my veins ♪
363
00:14:21,811 --> 00:14:24,845
♪ And I just can't contain... ♪
364
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,914
I'm sorry, I was just
coming down the stairs
365
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,749
at the same time.
366
00:14:32,421 --> 00:14:35,222
Wow, Mom.
You look beautiful.
367
00:14:35,257 --> 00:14:36,824
Well, we know he's circumcised,
368
00:14:36,859 --> 00:14:38,726
so she won't have to deal
with that nonsense.
369
00:14:38,761 --> 00:14:40,661
Oh, and don't worry
about not hittinbottom.
370
00:14:40,696 --> 00:14:43,764
I've only grazed it once and
that was with a running start.
371
00:14:47,336 --> 00:14:49,369
Hey, Jerome, give me
another Pawtucket Pat.
372
00:14:49,405 --> 00:14:52,573
I'll take it over here
on my Brookstone massage chair.
373
00:14:52,608 --> 00:14:54,241
That's a nice chair, Peter.
374
00:14:54,276 --> 00:14:56,510
Hey, do you think if I let
Jesus sleep with Bonnie,
375
00:14:56,545 --> 00:14:58,412
he'd give me back the use of my legs?
376
00:14:58,447 --> 00:15:00,814
Joe, I don't speak for Jesus.
I just get him trim.
377
00:15:00,850 --> 00:15:04,118
Now to take this thing out for a spin.
378
00:15:17,933 --> 00:15:21,201
Ah, time for a relaxing,
sponsored daydream.
379
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,076
Oh, Jesus!
380
00:15:29,111 --> 00:15:32,012
Jesus! Jesus!
381
00:15:33,549 --> 00:15:35,349
God, I love massage chairs.
382
00:15:35,384 --> 00:15:36,683
Are you in one, too?
383
00:15:36,719 --> 00:15:38,185
Yes, but it's horrible!
384
00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:41,188
It was bought for me by Jesus,
but now he's doing my wife!
385
00:15:41,223 --> 00:15:43,957
Oh. I'm just trying
mine out in the store.
386
00:15:45,427 --> 00:15:47,728
Guys! I think I might've
made a terrible mistake
387
00:15:47,763 --> 00:15:49,563
with this whole Lois and Jesus thing!
388
00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:50,964
I don't blame you, Peter.
389
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,333
I always thought it was
sort of a strange choice
390
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:56,236
to let Jesus have
relations with your wife.
391
00:15:56,272 --> 00:15:59,339
I'm sorry, did you say Jesus
is sleeping with your wife?
392
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:00,607
Great, now everybody knows
393
00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:02,810
my wife is taking Jesus's virginity.
394
00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:05,112
Listen, pal, Jesus ain't no virgin.
395
00:16:05,147 --> 00:16:07,381
He did the same thing
to me last Christmas.
396
00:16:07,416 --> 00:16:08,582
He what?!
397
00:16:08,617 --> 00:16:10,017
Yeah, Jesus did the same thing
398
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,785
to my wife Christmas before last
399
00:16:11,821 --> 00:16:13,954
and my buddy's wife
the year before that.
400
00:16:13,989 --> 00:16:14,989
What the hell?
401
00:16:15,024 --> 00:16:16,356
But he's so lonely.
402
00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:18,926
Nah, he just acts lonely
and lies about being a virgin
403
00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:20,894
so he can get with guys' wives.
404
00:16:20,930 --> 00:16:22,696
Did he show you
that sad little apartment?
405
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,031
He doesn't really live there.
406
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,967
He just uses it to store art
he bought on cruises.
407
00:16:27,002 --> 00:16:29,136
Oh, my God, what have I done?!
408
00:16:29,171 --> 00:16:30,971
Peter, maybe there's still time!
Maybe you can stop them!
409
00:16:31,006 --> 00:16:32,272
Where are they?
410
00:16:32,308 --> 00:16:34,408
They're at the Barrington Hotel!
Let's go, guys!
411
00:16:34,443 --> 00:16:37,110
I just ordered nachos,
but good luck, Peter.
412
00:16:37,146 --> 00:16:41,081
Now for a slippy, no-boots run
through the snow to my car.
413
00:16:55,030 --> 00:16:56,230
Aw, crap!
414
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,131
I just pulled a thousand muscles!
415
00:17:12,748 --> 00:17:14,314
Ow! That was a loud crack!
416
00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:15,849
Ah, yeah, that was all bone!
417
00:17:15,885 --> 00:17:17,951
Oh! Aw! Son of a whore!
418
00:17:17,987 --> 00:17:20,053
Oh, this is bad.
This is real bad.
419
00:17:20,089 --> 00:17:21,922
I'm not gonna go to the doctor though.
420
00:17:24,727 --> 00:17:25,859
Damn it!
421
00:17:28,998 --> 00:17:30,564
Get out!
I need this car!
422
00:17:30,599 --> 00:17:31,798
What are you, a cop?
423
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:34,635
No! Jesus is about to
have sex with my wife!
424
00:17:34,670 --> 00:17:36,637
Oh, then here! Take it!
425
00:17:36,672 --> 00:17:38,205
Get out!
I need this car!
426
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,473
So do I!
427
00:17:39,508 --> 00:17:41,575
Jesus Christ is about
to have sex with my wife!
428
00:17:41,610 --> 00:17:44,077
Lenny Kravitz is about
to have sex with my daughter!
429
00:17:44,113 --> 00:17:45,579
Oh! Oh, my God!
430
00:17:45,614 --> 00:17:48,682
Here, take the car!
Take the car!
431
00:17:48,717 --> 00:17:49,917
Get out of here!
What are you doing?!
432
00:17:49,952 --> 00:17:51,785
Go, go, go!
433
00:17:52,821 --> 00:17:54,454
Hey, kid, I need that toboggan!
434
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,857
Jesus Christ is gonna
have sex with my wife!
435
00:17:56,892 --> 00:17:58,625
Um, okay.
436
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:00,394
And I need your little hat.
437
00:18:00,429 --> 00:18:02,663
And those Spider-Man mittens...
I'll need those, too.
438
00:18:02,698 --> 00:18:04,665
And what's in your pockets?
439
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:07,367
A rabbit's foot, a penknife,
a bottle cap, a compass...
440
00:18:07,403 --> 00:18:09,403
All of it, all of it.
441
00:18:20,816 --> 00:18:22,950
Aw, crap. I'm out of hill.
442
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,054
You there! Boy!
443
00:18:27,089 --> 00:18:28,555
What does that sign say?
444
00:18:28,590 --> 00:18:30,490
I ain't much for book reading, sir.
445
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:33,126
But I seen our Lord and Savior
bring a lady in there
446
00:18:33,162 --> 00:18:35,095
for a Christmas rodgering, I did.
447
00:18:35,130 --> 00:18:36,163
You're a good boy.
448
00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:37,597
Here's a goose.
449
00:18:40,569 --> 00:18:42,135
What room is Jesus in?
450
00:18:42,171 --> 00:18:43,570
What room is Lenny Kravitz in?
451
00:18:43,605 --> 00:18:46,039
Aw, you were coming here, too?
We could've carpooled.
452
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,810
Lois! Lois!
453
00:18:49,845 --> 00:18:51,545
You son of a bitch!
454
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:53,613
What have you done to my marriage?!
455
00:18:53,649 --> 00:18:54,781
Peter?
456
00:18:54,817 --> 00:18:55,916
Lois, don't do this!
457
00:18:55,951 --> 00:18:58,685
I think I had, like,
a Christmas miracle.
458
00:18:58,721 --> 00:19:00,854
I realized I don't want other people
459
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,823
humping my wife for a chair.
460
00:19:02,858 --> 00:19:04,024
It's okay, Peter.
461
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,125
Nothing happened.
462
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:06,160
It didn't?
463
00:19:06,161 --> 00:19:08,128
No, I couldn't sleep with him.
464
00:19:08,163 --> 00:19:09,930
Not that I wasn't tempted.
465
00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:12,866
He put actual strawberries
in a glass of champagne,
466
00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:15,969
which was about the classiest,
sexiest thing I'd ever seen.
467
00:19:16,005 --> 00:19:17,005
But...
468
00:19:17,039 --> 00:19:19,439
I couldn't go through with it.
469
00:19:19,475 --> 00:19:21,975
Our marriage is too important to me.
470
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,013
I love you, Lois.
471
00:19:26,048 --> 00:19:29,182
I don't know what I was thinking.
472
00:19:29,218 --> 00:19:33,053
But you!
You're a liar, Jesus!
473
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:35,155
Bravo, Peter, Lois.
474
00:19:35,190 --> 00:19:38,558
Seems like you folks learned
the lesson I intended.
475
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:39,693
What lesson?
476
00:19:39,728 --> 00:19:41,728
Oh, you know, uh...
477
00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:44,664
that, uh, this holiest
of days is about,
478
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:47,267
uh, appreciating...
479
00:19:47,302 --> 00:19:52,272
our loved ones and, uh,
resisting... temptation.
480
00:19:52,307 --> 00:19:54,474
Oh, so it was a test.
481
00:19:54,510 --> 00:19:57,377
Like when your father told
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
482
00:19:57,413 --> 00:19:58,545
Yes! That!
483
00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,447
That's exactly right!
484
00:20:00,482 --> 00:20:02,749
Uh, well, I can see
my work here is done.
485
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,419
Well taught, Jesus.
Well taught.
486
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:06,820
Yeah, I guess.
Who cares?
487
00:20:06,855 --> 00:20:09,790
I'm not even real.
Merry Christmas.
488
00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,897
Well, Lois, I'm sure glad
489
00:20:16,932 --> 00:20:18,598
you didn't have sex with the Messiah.
490
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:19,933
Me, too, Peter.
491
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:22,202
Now let's open your presents, kids.
492
00:20:22,237 --> 00:20:24,571
Oh, Rupert, you're such a sneak.
493
00:20:24,606 --> 00:20:26,306
I wonder what it is.
494
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:31,211
Oh. A Joni Mitchell CD.
495
00:20:31,246 --> 00:20:34,314
"To continue your
emotional education."
496
00:20:34,349 --> 00:20:35,582
That's great.
497
00:20:35,617 --> 00:20:37,250
That's really great.
498
00:20:37,286 --> 00:20:40,520
Could you excuse me
for just one moment?
499
00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:43,223
♪ I've looked at clouds
from both sides now... ♪
500
00:20:43,258 --> 00:20:46,193
Who did he buy the necklace for?
501
00:20:47,428 --> 00:20:50,901
I'm gonna let that teddy bear
go all the way.
502
00:20:51,870 --> 00:20:58,370
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry