1
00:00:02,135 --> 00:00:03,830
MIKE:
Previously on Mike & Molly...
2
00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:07,438
- Oh, I got in.
- Well, what is going on with you?
3
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:08,629
The Iowa Writers Workshop.
4
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,276
I've been accepted
into their summer writing program.
5
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:14,743
Wait a minute.
Are you good at this writing thing?
6
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,213
I'll be living my dream in Iowa
for eight weeks.
7
00:00:18,418 --> 00:00:20,579
- How are you gonna ruin that, Peggy?
- Eight weeks?
8
00:00:20,787 --> 00:00:24,154
- Does Mike know about all this?
- Damn it, you always find a way.
9
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,718
- I have some exciting news.
- More for her than you.
10
00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:30,192
Shh!
11
00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:31,955
What is going on?
12
00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:34,429
I've been accepted into one of
the most prestigious
13
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,228
writing programs in the country
14
00:00:36,436 --> 00:00:37,664
Honey, that's great!
15
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,338
In Iowa.
16
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:45,667
- It's an opportunity of a lifetime...
- Well, I'm sure it is.
17
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,403
I can't believe you did
this whole deal
18
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:48,844
without even talking to me
about it.
19
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,381
- Well, we're talking about it now.
- No, you're telling me.
20
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,814
Talking about it would be,
"Honey, I'm thinking about applying
21
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:55,681
for an out-of-state workshop
for a couple months.
22
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,151
You okay with that?"
23
00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:58,688
Are you okay with that?
24
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:01,856
Why didn't you tell me?
25
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:06,221
Just figured
I was never gonna get in.
26
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:10,062
I was too embarrassed
to even talk about it.
27
00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:15,104
Lady, you have no idea
how great you are.
28
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:20,372
Smart and talented. Hm?
29
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:23,539
And you can do anything
that you set that mind to.
30
00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:25,807
Thank you.
31
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:30,285
I'm sorry I'm leaving you here
with the lunatics.
32
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:33,390
- The Taser's working, right?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
33
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:48,066
How long has Fido
been waiting for his master?
34
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:49,764
About an hour.
35
00:01:49,976 --> 00:01:52,240
Ever since Molly called from
Naperville when she stopped for gas.
36
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:54,913
He got so excited,
I'm surprised he hasn't piddled.
37
00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:56,639
(CAR HORN HONKS)
38
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,410
What's that, boy?
You hear something?
39
00:01:58,918 --> 00:01:59,907
Leave him alone.
40
00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:03,385
This is the first time I've seen him
on his hind legs since she left.
41
00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:06,858
Poor thing.
He's been real sad without Molly.
42
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:10,052
Celibacy will do that to a man.
That's why monks are so quiet.
43
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,424
If you're not getting any,
what's there to talk about?
44
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,492
He must have been a mute
before he met Molly.
45
00:02:16,669 --> 00:02:18,136
No, there were girls.
46
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:21,034
I mean, he'd lose a few pounds,
get his heart broken,
47
00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:25,405
then come crawling back
into the arms of his best gal.
48
00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:29,207
The fact that his fridge isn't full
of women's heads is a miracle.
49
00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:31,607
She's here! She's here!
50
00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:37,883
There she is!
51
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:40,889
Oh, my God!
I missed you all so much!
52
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:44,291
Oh, not as much as I missed you
because I have been here with them.
53
00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:46,525
All right,
leave some for the rest of us.
54
00:02:46,766 --> 00:02:48,859
- I missed this face.
- Oh.
55
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:51,328
It felt like you were gone
for months.
56
00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:55,065
Yeah, I actually was.
Oh, come here. Come here.
57
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:57,675
Clear the way.
Step-papa coming through.
58
00:02:57,877 --> 00:02:59,174
All right, all right.
59
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:01,904
How great does this feel?
I ain't never letting go.
60
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,707
- All right, let go.
- Okay.
61
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:07,682
- Peggy.
- You look tired.
62
00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:11,150
It's weird,
but I actually missed that.
63
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:13,985
Come on, sit down, we want to hear
all about the writing program.
64
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,684
All right, well, it was a doozy.
65
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:23,361
Well, for eight intense weeks,
66
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,970
I was surrounded by
brilliant novelists
67
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:27,767
and poets and playwrights.
68
00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:29,771
It sounds wonderful.
69
00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:33,003
No, it was awful.
They hated my writing.
70
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,477
- Oh, honey. I'm sorry.
- No, don't be.
71
00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:37,547
The more they hated it,
the more it drove me.
72
00:03:37,750 --> 00:03:39,513
I dug deep, I found my voice.
73
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,346
I bet you have a beautiful voice.
74
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,887
No. Turns out my voice
has the mouth of a sailor.
75
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,650
- Dirty?
- Filthy.
76
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:50,556
I know I've written
some racy short stories in the past,
77
00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:52,287
but this new stuff takes the cake.
78
00:03:52,465 --> 00:03:54,660
Actually, in the second chapter,
I wrote this thing with cake.
79
00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:56,198
It's disgusting.
80
00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:58,369
She gets it from me.
81
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:01,904
You never think they're listening,
but they're little sponges.
82
00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:05,909
You know, I mean,
it started out so innocently enough.
83
00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:09,047
Just kind of a romantic little story
about two lonely people
84
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:10,206
who meet in Chicago.
85
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:12,475
- Oh, that's us.
- Oh, God, no.
86
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:14,142
- No?
- No!
87
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:15,981
No, we are nothing
like these animals.
88
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,713
No morals, no boundaries.
89
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,824
Just two people who are willing
to stop at nothing
90
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:21,994
until they satisfy
their carnal desires.
91
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:23,719
Oh, that's a spicy blurb.
92
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,160
Well you know what,
that's what the publisher said
93
00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:28,028
when he bought my book!
94
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:29,930
(CHEERING)
95
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:35,198
The school sent out samples.
96
00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:37,603
And out of the piles
of pretentious fire,
97
00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:40,210
my hot, throbbing phoenix rose!
98
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:43,179
- You sold a book!
- I sold a book!
99
00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:44,577
Son of a bitch!
100
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:51,547
♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
101
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:06,000
Ripped By mstoll
102
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:17,113
Oh.
103
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:20,751
That was worth the wait.
104
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:27,590
So, can I see it again?
105
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,694
I already showed it to you.
106
00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:32,397
Come on, I like looking at it.
107
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,067
- God, you're insatiable.
- (CHUCKLES)
108
00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:37,669
(SIGHING HAPPILY)
109
00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:39,929
Wow, unreal.
110
00:05:40,039 --> 00:05:41,165
Oh, it's real.
111
00:05:41,374 --> 00:05:43,865
Now I just have to actually finish
writing the book.
112
00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:45,977
(CHUCKLES)
They paid you before you finished?
113
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,670
Tried that with a plumber once.
Never again.
114
00:05:49,982 --> 00:05:52,678
- Unbelievable.
- I know.
115
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:58,146
You know, when you quit teaching
to become a writer, I got to admit...
116
00:05:59,058 --> 00:06:02,118
...I'm not gonna admit.
- No, tell me, tell me.
117
00:06:02,328 --> 00:06:04,694
Well, it's just I've always known
that you were talented,
118
00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:07,024
but, like, you know,
pay-for-groceries talented.
119
00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:09,167
Not kiss-my-ass-Citibank talented.
120
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:12,365
I know, I didn't think
I could do it, either.
121
00:06:12,572 --> 00:06:13,596
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
122
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:15,866
I felt like a total fraud
since day one.
123
00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:18,737
Thank God we never talked
about this honestly.
124
00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:22,208
Yeah, or else
we wouldn't have this, huh?
125
00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:26,283
Well, here's to us
both pretending we believed in me.
126
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:29,011
To love, honor and deceive.
127
00:06:31,624 --> 00:06:33,387
You know I couldn't have done this
without you.
128
00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:34,651
What are you talking about?
129
00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:37,591
I mean, sure,
I was your sexual muse.
130
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:39,892
No.
131
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:41,327
I'm talking about you supporting me,
132
00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:45,402
even when this whole writing thing
seemed like a stupid pipe dream.
133
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:48,836
Yeah, I do come out of this
smelling pretty good, don't I?
134
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:51,202
- Like a big, handsome daisy.
- (CHUCKLING)
135
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:57,010
You think you could look at me
the way you're looking at that check?
136
00:06:58,117 --> 00:07:00,677
Gladly. You ready for the sequel?
137
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:01,876
You got another one in you?
138
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,386
We'll let the critics decide.
139
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:12,054
Oh, writer in session.
140
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,892
I was gonna get a snack.
Should I come back later?
141
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,795
No, it's fine.
142
00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:20,404
- Can I make you a snack?
- Nope.
143
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,369
- Tea?
- I'm good!
144
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:25,670
Is the lighting okay in here?
You want a floor lamp?
145
00:07:25,878 --> 00:07:27,243
- Vince!
- Mom!
146
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,074
I'm fine. I'm fine.
147
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,271
Okay. Okay.
148
00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:35,216
I wanna make sure my golden goose
has a nice nest to write in.
149
00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:38,219
I'm still the exact same person
I was before.
150
00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:40,119
I just have a little bit more money.
151
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:41,452
A lot more money.
152
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:44,755
Which, in America, makes you better
than everybody else.
153
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:48,295
Oh, my Lord! Mol, this book!
154
00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:49,593
The stuff at the farm?
155
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:51,633
I guess when you introduce
a milking machine in Chapter One,
156
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:52,896
you got to use it.
157
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:57,604
I still can't believe you went off
to this fancy writing program
158
00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,278
and came out with porno gold.
159
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,045
It's not porno.
160
00:08:02,181 --> 00:08:05,082
It's an exploration of sexuality
for the everyday woman
161
00:08:05,284 --> 00:08:09,152
who doesn't get to see herself
reflected in an adult romance novel.
162
00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:11,414
- Molly.
- It's not porno. It's empowering.
163
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:14,957
It's saying that all women deserve
to experience physical intimacy
164
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,254
and explore their deepest,
darkest fantasies.
165
00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:20,125
- Molly!
- All right, it's a little porno...
166
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:22,762
...I mean, it's written well.
167
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:26,769
There are good life lessons there,
you know, between the orgies.
168
00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:30,004
Hey, you want to make
this a best-seller?
169
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:34,111
Laminate it,
so a lady can read it in the tub.
170
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:37,515
You know what?
That's actually not a bad idea.
171
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:43,615
Hey, what do you say
we go out and celebrate,
172
00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:45,347
and spend some of this dirty money?
173
00:08:45,558 --> 00:08:49,358
Sounds good. I'll Saran Wrap this
and finish it in the bath later.
174
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:51,928
Oh, did you decide
who's gonna play you in the movie?
175
00:08:52,131 --> 00:08:53,826
Once again, the character is not me.
176
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,467
I don't know.
Probably Renée Zellweger.
177
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:02,433
I'm telling you, Carl.
178
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:05,304
You can't imagine the relief
I felt last night.
179
00:09:05,511 --> 00:09:07,172
Well, sure.
Your wife was gone for eight weeks.
180
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,348
You had quite a full sack there,
Santa.
181
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,021
- Not that.
- Oh.
182
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:21,423
I'm talking about the money.
183
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,553
Molly's advance almost gets us
completely out of debt.
184
00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:27,961
Almost? That was a hell of a check.
What hole did you dig yourself into?
185
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:29,156
Not my hole. Hers.
186
00:09:29,368 --> 00:09:32,064
We walked down the aisle,
and I fell right into it.
187
00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:34,136
Hey, did you hear?
188
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:36,399
- Molly sold her book.
- No.
189
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,076
Yup. Big advance and everything.
190
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:41,212
- You know what this means?
- I can eat in a better restaurant.
191
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:45,315
It means the American Dream
is still alive.
192
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:47,748
If a humble schoolteacher like Molly
can achieve success,
193
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:50,514
there's hope
for a struggling artist like me.
194
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:52,486
Yeah, top me off, Picasso.
195
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:54,390
I'm serious.
196
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,494
This inspires me
to keep pursuing my dream
197
00:09:56,696 --> 00:09:59,597
of becoming a stand-up comedian
with my own TV show.
198
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:03,394
On cable, of course.
That's where the good stuff is done.
199
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:08,365
Hopefully you'll fill a comedy club
better than you can a coffee mug.
200
00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:12,711
You really think I left Senegal
in the wheel well of a cargo jet
201
00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:15,178
to serve you losers crappy food?
202
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,352
He changes the story
about how he got to America
203
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:22,953
every time he tells it.
204
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:26,215
Yeah, I like the one where he was
on the boat with the tiger.
205
00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:27,950
(CAR HORN HONKING)
206
00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:31,858
- What is going on out there?
- I don't know.
207
00:10:32,064 --> 00:10:34,191
Is it the Puerto Rican Day Parade
already?
208
00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:36,063
(HONKING CONTINUES)
209
00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:40,633
Surprise!
210
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:45,372
God bless America.
211
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:56,247
What did you do?
212
00:10:56,455 --> 00:10:58,082
I bought us...
213
00:10:58,224 --> 00:11:00,055
(MIMICS GAME SHOW HOST)
...a brand-new car!
214
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,223
This Dodge Challenger
comes fully-equipped
215
00:11:03,429 --> 00:11:06,091
with a heated steering wheel
and illuminated cup holders.
216
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:07,322
What?
217
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,433
(GIGGLING)
218
00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,900
- You bought a car?
- Cash money, honey.
219
00:11:12,104 --> 00:11:13,162
The ladies and I were out to lunch.
220
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:16,102
- Had a few cocktails.
- Obvi.
221
00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:18,208
I was trying to think of ways
to thank you
222
00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:20,402
for being so amazing this last year.
223
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:21,637
I looked out the restaurant window,
224
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,439
and I see this orange dream
sitting here
225
00:11:23,582 --> 00:11:26,517
and I started picturing my baby
getting into this baby,
226
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:28,620
and I thought, "Oh, baby."
227
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:33,725
- You bought a car.
- I bought a car! (MOCK ECHO)
228
00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:36,953
- (MOCK CHEERING)
- Knock it off!
229
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:39,324
We don't need a car.
I've got the Mitsubishi.
230
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,659
Well, just put it out on the lawn,
like you did the couch.
231
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,266
Somebody's going to take it.
232
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:46,165
Why didn't you talk to me
about this?
233
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,840
Because you would've said we should
use the money to pay down our debts.
234
00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:51,509
We should use the money
to pay down our debts.
235
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,508
See? See?
236
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:57,479
I was trying to do something nice
that you wouldn't do for yourself.
237
00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:58,777
- Come on, sit in it.
- No.
238
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:00,317
- Come on, sit in it.
- No.
239
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:02,009
- I'll sit in it.
- No!
240
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,955
Nobody is sitting in this car
except Molly to take it back.
241
00:12:05,157 --> 00:12:07,352
- I'm not taking it back.
- You're taking this back.
242
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,529
Mike, don't be a jerk.
I love you. Take the damn car.
243
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,028
Molly, I love you, too.
Don't be stupid. Take it back.
244
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,826
- Hey, we don't use the "S" word.
- You called me a "J."
245
00:12:16,035 --> 00:12:18,128
Well, you're lucky
I didn't call you an "A-H".
246
00:12:18,337 --> 00:12:22,000
Stop before you spell something
you're gonna regret.
247
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:24,176
I got news for you, pal.
I'm gonna keep succeeding.
248
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:26,173
And I'm going to keep buying
stupid stuff.
249
00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:28,243
So you either get on this train
or get out of the way.
250
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:29,471
All aboard, ladies.
251
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,583
Yeah, I know I'm getting into a car
while using a train metaphor.
252
00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:34,878
But frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn.
253
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,520
Yeah, I'm quoting
Gone with the Wind.
254
00:12:36,722 --> 00:12:38,246
And if you don't like it,
you can kiss my grits.
255
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,919
(TIRES SCREECH)
256
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,199
Don't you think
you're going a little fast, sweetie?
257
00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:53,928
Who the hell doesn't jump up and down
when they get a new car?
258
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,165
In Mike's defense,
I've never seen him jump.
259
00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:59,208
Oh, I walked in on him naked
in the bathroom once.
260
00:12:59,411 --> 00:13:01,072
He caught some air.
261
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:04,045
You know, I worked too hard
to take this car back.
262
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:07,185
I deserve satellite radio
and a heated steering wheel.
263
00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:10,947
Actually, my fingers are frying.
Just turn it off! Turn it off.
264
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:16,257
Now that I'm losing my buzz,
this does seem like a big purchase.
265
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,054
Are you saying
I should take this back?
266
00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:19,925
Or go get another drink.
267
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,532
I got a book deal.
268
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:25,295
How am I supposed to rub
a zero-balance credit card statement
269
00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:26,393
in people's faces?
270
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,131
You don't need to rub anything
in anybody's face.
271
00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,331
She did in Chapter Three.
Speed bump!
272
00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:31,841
(RUMBLING)
273
00:13:36,582 --> 00:13:38,914
- Hey.
- Hello, dummy.
274
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:41,245
What's your problem?
275
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:45,321
On behalf of men in this country,
I should kick you in the potatoes.
276
00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:49,220
Good luck.
They've been peeled and mashed.
277
00:13:49,428 --> 00:13:51,259
She wanted to give you a car.
278
00:13:51,463 --> 00:13:53,829
Why couldn't you just take it
like a good little husband?
279
00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:55,830
Because I can buy my own car.
280
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:58,265
Two things:
Number one, no, you can't.
281
00:13:58,470 --> 00:13:59,801
Number two...
282
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:02,237
...no, you can't!
283
00:14:02,441 --> 00:14:04,238
Look, it's not right, okay?
284
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:07,139
I'm supposed to shower her
with gifts, not vice versa.
285
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,246
It's like the Ferris wheel sex scene
in her book.
286
00:14:09,448 --> 00:14:12,281
Everything's backwards
and upside down.
287
00:14:12,751 --> 00:14:14,150
What the hell's wrong with you?
288
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,184
Women want to be the man? Let them.
289
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:18,788
They can pull out my chair,
open my door.
290
00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:21,892
Put their coat on my bare shoulders
when it's cold.
291
00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:25,589
Your shoulders don't need a coat.
They need a comb.
292
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:30,130
As far as I'm concerned,
broads can have the power,
293
00:14:30,336 --> 00:14:31,928
and all the crap that goes with it.
294
00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:35,834
Hair loss, hypertension,
prostate problems.
295
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,635
- Women don't have prostates.
- Give them time.
296
00:14:40,479 --> 00:14:41,776
Then sit back and relax.
297
00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:43,471
They'll die ten years before us,
298
00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:47,345
and we'll be the ones who are able
to walk in the mall in big red hats,
299
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,113
spending their
life insurance policies.
300
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:52,187
That's the world I want to live in.
301
00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:56,153
Well, if it includes you
in a red hat with bare shoulders,
302
00:14:56,362 --> 00:14:58,660
I'm going to stay here
with my swollen prostate.
303
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:06,700
So what if you're a little rusty
around the edges.
304
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,568
You got a couple of good years left,
don't you, girl?
305
00:15:09,775 --> 00:15:11,800
MOLLY: (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Kill me!
306
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:15,176
Kill me.
307
00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:18,343
That's very funny.
308
00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:23,185
So, how's the old bucket
of bolts doing?
309
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,550
If you remember correctly,
this bucket of bolts was good enough
310
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:27,316
for you
when we first started dating.
311
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:29,084
No, I hated it from the beginning.
312
00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:33,254
I was just being polite.
I was trying to get in your pants.
313
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:35,091
You kidding?
314
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:37,429
You could have said you hated
the Bulls, Bears, Cubs and cops.
315
00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:39,900
These pants were getting got into.
316
00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:43,564
- I got you something.
- What's this?
317
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:48,076
It's a little less flashy tribute
to my supportive husband.
318
00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:52,276
- Tube socks!
- Gold toe. Gold toe.
319
00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:54,179
Nice.
320
00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:58,949
You forgive me?
321
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:02,059
Molly, you bought a car
without even talking to me.
322
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:04,695
Honey, it was a bad-ass car.
323
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:11,930
But, it was the wrong thing to do,
and I'm sorry.
324
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:13,536
Thank you.
325
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:16,708
I know you're this big fancy writer,
making all this money.
326
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:20,242
But you buying that car without me
made me feel superfluous.
327
00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:22,038
"Superfluous"?
328
00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:24,442
I read it in your book.
I had to look it up.
329
00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:28,315
Mike, you could never be
superfluous.
330
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,216
I will always need you.
331
00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:34,620
Good. I used it right.
332
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,988
So, you read my book?
333
00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:41,132
Of course I did.
334
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,427
Well, what did you think?
335
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:49,596
I think that in between the orgies,
you got some good stuff in there.
336
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:57,346
You get me.
You really get me.
337
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:00,713
(GROANS)
338
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:04,688
You wanna follow me to the dealer
because I'm gonna take the car back.
339
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:06,448
Yes.
340
00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:07,647
I know it doesn't feel good,
341
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,828
but deep down,
you know it's the smart choice.
342
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,190
- Well, smart sucks.
- I love you, too.
343
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:20,069
- (ENGINE REVS, STALLS)
- Come on.
344
00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:22,764
- (ENGINE REVS, STALLS)
- Come on!
345
00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:25,167
(ENGINE STARTS)
346
00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:28,006
- Hey! There you go!
- (ENGINE KNOCKING)
347
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:31,779
See? We don't need a new car.
348
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,387
- (ELECTRONIC CHIME)
- Call Mike.
349
00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:44,357
MAN: (RECORDING)
Your number is being dialed.
350
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:48,158
Oh, God.
We could've been such good friends.
351
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:51,063
- Hello?
- MOLLY: Where are you?
352
00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:53,135
I'm a couple blocks from the house.
Where are you?
353
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:54,772
I'm almost to the expressway.
354
00:17:55,174 --> 00:17:57,005
For God sakes,
how fast are you going?
355
00:17:57,209 --> 00:17:58,335
I don't know. Not very...
356
00:17:58,544 --> 00:17:59,909
Ooh! Almost 80.
357
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:03,246
God, it's so smooth. I'll slow down.
358
00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:06,748
Okay, hang on. Okay, I see you.
I'll be there in a minute.
359
00:18:06,952 --> 00:18:08,419
All right,
first one to the dealership wins.
360
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:11,646
- No, I don't want to race.
- Come on, I'll keep it in first.
361
00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:14,417
- Molly.
- Here we go.
362
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:16,522
All right, damn it.
363
00:18:16,628 --> 00:18:19,563
Okay, old girl.
Let's show her what we can do.
364
00:18:19,731 --> 00:18:20,891
(EXPLOSION)
365
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,234
Oh, boy.
366
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,098
Oh, careful.
367
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:31,503
Looks like a car's caught fire
back there.
368
00:18:32,744 --> 00:18:35,042
Yeah, that jackass
is blocking traffic.
369
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,738
- I'll meet you at the dealership.
- (CAR HORN HONKS)
370
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,544
Yeah, yeah! Go around!
371
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:51,500
Ripped By mstoll
372
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:09,404
(English - US - SDH)