1
00:00:06,539 --> 00:00:07,631
How is it possible
2
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,867
that kids weigh twice as
much when they're asleep?
3
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:12,169
I know.
4
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:14,210
And he should weigh less
after his little mishap
5
00:00:14,414 --> 00:00:15,938
on the spinning teacups.
6
00:00:16,383 --> 00:00:17,714
Yeah.
7
00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:20,112
Felt bad for that girl
in the Cinderella costume
8
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:21,947
in the cup behind us.
9
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:24,715
She was right in
the splash zone.
10
00:00:24,924 --> 00:00:28,189
- Oh, I'm exhausted.
- Me, too.
11
00:00:28,395 --> 00:00:31,626
I'm also sticky and dirty
and sweaty and slimy.
12
00:00:31,831 --> 00:00:34,561
I'm like the seven dwarfs
of disgusting.
13
00:00:35,468 --> 00:00:37,834
(GROANING) I should not
have eaten that funnel cake.
14
00:00:39,339 --> 00:00:40,806
Well, I see your funnel cake
15
00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:44,909
and raise you a deep-fried
Snickers stuffed into a Twinkie.
16
00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:48,012
I think I blacked out briefly.
17
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:54,447
Is being a dad always
this tiring?
18
00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:57,248
These are the best
moments of your life.
19
00:00:58,324 --> 00:01:00,849
And they are over so fast.
20
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,756
Seems like only yesterday,
21
00:01:02,962 --> 00:01:05,692
Jake was holding my hand
in the haunted house.
22
00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:09,130
Now he's half a world away
in the army,
23
00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:12,802
wondering if a "dishonorable
discharge" is something you get
24
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,200
from a dirty geisha.
25
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:32,050
Ripped By mstoll
26
00:01:35,895 --> 00:01:38,420
- Walden?
- What?
27
00:01:39,999 --> 00:01:43,491
- (GROANING) What do you want?
- Are you asleep?
28
00:01:43,703 --> 00:01:45,227
Yes.
29
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:53,139
That's what people do at...
5:30 in the morning.
30
00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:55,678
Is it okay
if I can make breakfast?
31
00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:56,940
Sure.
32
00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:58,617
Thanks.
33
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:02,755
Walden?
34
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:06,790
Walden's not here,
please leave a message.
35
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:09,086
How do you like your pancakes?
36
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:11,092
Quietly.
37
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,424
In three hours.
38
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,762
With blueberries.
39
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,870
Okay, I'll go make them.
40
00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:23,739
Oh, God.
41
00:02:23,943 --> 00:02:25,342
Flames.
42
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,451
- Walden?
- Ready or not, here I come!
43
00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:34,520
What?
44
00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:36,712
Louis and I,
we're playing hide and seek.
45
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:38,481
He's under his bed, hiding
46
00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:41,455
and I'm in the kitchen,
seeking sleep.
47
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:43,128
I hear ya.
48
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:45,729
I barely got my eight hours.
49
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,627
I don't know
if I can handle this.
50
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,597
Little boys have
a lot of energy.
51
00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:52,066
They're like cute
little crackheads.
52
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,797
Except crackheads have
better toilet aim.
53
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,566
No, no, this isn't about
being tired.
54
00:02:56,776 --> 00:02:59,540
I just, I don't know
if I'm cut out to be a dad.
55
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:02,146
Hey, I didn't think I could live
in a Malibu beach house for free,
56
00:03:02,348 --> 00:03:03,906
but I figured it out.
57
00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:07,119
Well, I don't know
if I can figure this out.
58
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,810
I mean, this kid
has bounced around
59
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,149
the foster care system
his whole life.
60
00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:12,984
I mean, I don't know
what he needs.
61
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,285
I mean, does he need structure?
62
00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:18,191
Does he need freedom?
Does he need medication?
63
00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:21,834
I should have asked that
before they dropped him off.
64
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,196
All he needs is
your love and support.
65
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:25,701
(MOCKS ALAN)
66
00:03:25,905 --> 00:03:27,566
That's a bunch of crap.
67
00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:29,769
Walden, every parent goes
through this.
68
00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:31,807
But you're actually
doing a great job.
69
00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:34,809
You're just overwhelmed
because this is all so new,
70
00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:37,107
and you're trying to be
everything to him all the time.
71
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:39,217
You know, full-time dad,
full-time playmate.
72
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:40,681
You have to give
yourself a break.
73
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,787
How?
He's 24-7.
74
00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:45,355
He's like the Energizer bunny.
75
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:47,685
You know why you never met
the Energizer bunny's dad?
76
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,828
'Cause one night,
he went out for cigarettes,
77
00:03:50,029 --> 00:03:53,521
and he just kept going
and going and going.
78
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:57,227
One thing that'll help
is getting Louis some friends.
79
00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:58,404
Playdates.
80
00:03:58,605 --> 00:03:59,629
They chase each other
around for hours,
81
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:01,830
eventually they pass out
like work dogs.
82
00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:03,937
Kid'll be in
bed by 8:00,
83
00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:05,576
then it's you, me,
a bowl of popcorn
84
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:07,837
and binge-watching
The Good Wife.
85
00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:09,348
Okay, so what?
86
00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:11,278
So, I just...
I'll just Google a place
87
00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:13,509
to meet a fun
cute six-year-old.
88
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,051
Yeah. No.
89
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,746
I heard it when I said it.
90
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:22,189
Ah, this place is awesome.
91
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,229
They have a rock wall.
92
00:04:24,631 --> 00:04:25,859
Will you climb it with me?
93
00:04:26,065 --> 00:04:29,432
Oh, buddy, you know, the whole
idea is for you to come here
94
00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:30,933
and meet all these other kids.
95
00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:33,571
No, just you and me.
Please?
96
00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:36,774
All right, I mean, come on.
97
00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:38,204
How do you say no to those eyes?
98
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:39,378
I hear ya.
99
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:41,410
Oh, hey, can I have
some money for the snack bar?
100
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:43,047
- Please?
- No.
101
00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:45,877
It's not my fault you already
spent all your allowance.
102
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:53,951
Room for one more?
103
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,321
Absolutely.
Care for ajuice box?
104
00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:59,259
We have cherry, grape
and Chardonnay.
105
00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:02,696
Well, what else can I say
except, "chardonn-yay."
106
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:05,097
(CHUCKLES) I am Alan.
107
00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:07,166
That's Louis over there,
he's mine.
108
00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:09,534
I'm Danielle, and that's
my daughter in the water wings.
109
00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:11,676
- Is there a pool here?
- No.
110
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:14,438
At some point,
you just pick your battles.
111
00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:17,413
I'm Laurel, this is Julie.
112
00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:20,944
Oh, hot dad on the rock wall.
113
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:24,214
I claim this as Mount Louis!
114
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:27,991
- Wow, he's really cute.
- Big time.
115
00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:30,424
Sorry, ladies.
He's taken.
116
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:32,530
No kidding?
Good for you.
117
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,029
How'd you snag him?
118
00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:37,168
I met him at a low point in his
life, and I took care of him.
119
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:39,235
And he's been taking care
of me every day since.
120
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,669
WOMEN: Oooh.
121
00:05:41,874 --> 00:05:43,535
That's the kind of man I need.
122
00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,468
No, that's the kind
of man I need.
123
00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:48,203
- You're married.
- Yeah, to Roger.
124
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:50,177
He hasn't screwed me
since the prenup.
125
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:52,044
Classic Julie.
126
00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:55,618
Oh, this is so Sex and the City
right now.
127
00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:57,813
Alan, do we have any wipes?
128
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,151
The kid above me dripped
something on my face.
129
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,419
The best-case scenario is snot.
130
00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:05,119
- Here, I've got some.
- Thank you.
131
00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:07,993
Walden, this is
Laurel, Danielle and Julie.
132
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,532
The ladies, the gals.
133
00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,294
The juice box heroes.
134
00:06:11,504 --> 00:06:13,165
- Hi.
- Hello.
135
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,635
Hi, nice to meet you all.
136
00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:16,001
Your son is adorable.
137
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,871
I'm his husband, silly.
138
00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:20,375
So, which one's yours?
139
00:06:20,580 --> 00:06:23,310
My daughter, Lily,
is the one licking that little boy.
140
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:25,780
Sweetie, we don't
lick strangers!
141
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:28,176
And I thought
we were gonna be friends.
142
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,650
All right.
143
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,222
I'm headed to the ball pit.
144
00:06:32,658 --> 00:06:35,286
Same thing he said as he dove
under the covers last night.
145
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:36,686
Boing.
146
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:42,425
Thanks for having us.
147
00:06:42,635 --> 00:06:45,661
I got to say, this is a
great spot for a playdate.
148
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:47,533
This view is amazing.
149
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:50,468
Yes. Yes, it is.
150
00:06:50,676 --> 00:06:52,439
You know, I used to walk
by houses like this
151
00:06:52,645 --> 00:06:54,169
and think the people
on the decks were just looking
152
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:57,213
down their noses at everyone,
feeling all superior.
153
00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:58,914
Now I know it's true.
154
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,915
Roger sold our beach house
'cause he said we never used it.
155
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,515
Using that logic,
we should sell his penis.
156
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:09,320
(LAUGHS) Classic Julie.
157
00:07:09,529 --> 00:07:11,656
Hey, we should make
this a regular thing.
158
00:07:11,864 --> 00:07:13,263
(OBJECT CLATTERS)
159
00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:16,094
Yeah, next time we'll
do it at one of your houses.
160
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,261
Hey, Louis, is everything okay?
161
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:20,539
Over.
162
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:22,935
LOUIS:
Lego tower fell over.
163
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:26,973
You didn't say "over."
Over.
164
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,943
I said the Lego tower fell over.
165
00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:30,206
Over.
166
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,846
You're so good
with him. Over.
167
00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,415
Actually, I feel like I
have no idea what I'm doing.
168
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:37,748
Join the club.
169
00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,549
Parenting's like a yoga class.
170
00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:41,226
You just do what
everybody else is doing
171
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:43,190
and try not to laugh
when someone farts.
172
00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:48,726
Okay, so all the kids are
playing in Louis' room.
173
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,732
Well, technically, three
of them are playing together,
174
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:53,167
and Louis is in the corner,
coloring by himself.
175
00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:54,339
That's perfectly normal.
176
00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:56,565
The parenting books call it
"parallel play."
177
00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:58,467
Oh. That's good
to know.
178
00:07:58,678 --> 00:08:00,339
So, in high school,
I wasn't such a weirdo.
179
00:08:00,546 --> 00:08:03,276
I was just a parallel player.
180
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,452
My sex life with my first wife
was a lot of parallel play.
181
00:08:07,453 --> 00:08:08,420
Just give Louis time.
182
00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:10,213
Remember, this is
all new for him.
183
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:11,523
Kind of like
learning on my honeymoon
184
00:08:11,724 --> 00:08:13,954
that I wasn't going to have sex
was all new for me.
185
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,923
You know, I just want him
to have friends.
186
00:08:16,128 --> 00:08:18,494
You know, like a couple girls,
and a couple boys.
187
00:08:18,698 --> 00:08:19,687
He's gonna be fine.
188
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:21,764
In the meantime,
I have made some friends
189
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,402
who have welcomed me
into the secret world of women.
190
00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:27,004
I am this close to discovering
everything about them.
191
00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:28,673
What they like, what
they don't like.
192
00:08:28,875 --> 00:08:30,502
And where they don't like it.
193
00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:33,968
We're supposed to be here
helping Louis make friends.
194
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,841
Please, I see
how you look at Laurel.
195
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:38,210
It's the same way I look at
a five dollar bill in a tip jar
196
00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:40,146
I think I can swap out
for a single.
197
00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:42,052
Okay, what are you
talking about?
198
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,348
That is Louis' friend's mom.
199
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,385
And, yes, we get along great.
200
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,184
And, yes, she's pretty and nice.
201
00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:50,362
And, yes, she used to be
a gymnast and can still
202
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,656
put her legs behind her head.
And she is out there.
203
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:55,834
So why am I still standing here,
talking to you?
204
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,034
I can put my legs behind my
head, but you'll never see it.
205
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,810
He was a really nice guy,
and I liked hanging out with him,
206
00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:07,309
but when we got to the bedroom,
207
00:09:07,513 --> 00:09:09,310
he was just, well...
208
00:09:09,515 --> 00:09:12,609
If he were a candy bar,
he'd be the fun size.
209
00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:14,443
There's nothing fun about that.
210
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:18,055
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, nothing worse
than a small penis.
211
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,321
But, seriously, how
small is too small?
212
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:22,594
Alan, you are a riot.
213
00:09:22,795 --> 00:09:24,660
We should hang out
with you more often.
214
00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:26,798
Hey, what do you
say, we all go out
215
00:09:26,999 --> 00:09:28,193
this Saturday for a girls night?
216
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,232
You know, get a limo,
go out dancing,
217
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:31,596
wear our sluttiest outfits.
218
00:09:31,804 --> 00:09:33,669
Julie, you can wear what
you're wearing now.
219
00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:36,205
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, I'm bad.
220
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,010
Should we go check on the kids?
221
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:40,279
Are you kidding?
222
00:09:40,479 --> 00:09:43,312
They're set up with pizza,
popsicles and The Lego Movie.
223
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:44,710
For the next two hours...
224
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:46,646
(SINGS "EVERYTHING IS AWESOME"
FROM THE LEGO MOVIE)
225
00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:49,650
Yeah, I've seen that
movie, like, five times.
226
00:09:50,122 --> 00:09:51,987
I should really watch it
with Louis at some point.
227
00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:56,093
I haven't seen a movie
that wasn't for a kid in forever.
228
00:09:56,696 --> 00:09:57,924
The other night
I actually had a sex dream
229
00:09:58,130 --> 00:09:59,597
about an animated character.
230
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:01,733
Whoa.
231
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:02,958
Prince Charming?
232
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,228
The old guy from Up.
233
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,208
And, sadly, it was the only sex
I've had in two years.
234
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,374
Well, if it meant a
whole night's sleep,
235
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:17,242
I'd have sex with an
animated Ed Asner, too.
236
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:20,479
You think you're tired now.
You missed the hardest years.
237
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:23,655
Th-the... the picky eating,
the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
238
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:27,155
Okay, to be fair, I get
all of that with Alan.
239
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,654
You guys are a great team.
240
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:32,387
The only thing
my ex would help with
241
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:34,429
was driving the babysitter home.
242
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:35,995
She'd have the kids
in bed by 8:00
243
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:37,965
and my husband in bed by 10:00.
244
00:10:38,170 --> 00:10:40,502
Oh! That's horrible.
245
00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:42,874
Is she a good sitter?
'Cause we're looking.
246
00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:44,506
Sorry.
247
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,243
Without that jerk of an ex,
248
00:10:47,446 --> 00:10:48,640
I wouldn't have Lily,
249
00:10:48,848 --> 00:10:51,112
and even at six years old,
she's my best friend.
250
00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:53,347
I hope I get there
with Louis at some point.
251
00:10:53,552 --> 00:10:54,951
You'll get there.
252
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,313
I hope I stay there with Lily.
253
00:10:56,522 --> 00:10:58,114
I'm afraid that by the time
she's a teenager,
254
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,848
she'll be like,
"Mom, you're a 100!
255
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:02,118
Nobody believes
I'm your sister!"
256
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:03,924
Okay, how could anyone say that
257
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:08,430
about someone as pretty,
smart and flexible as you?
258
00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:10,825
You're so sweet.
259
00:11:11,303 --> 00:11:12,270
You don't happen to know
260
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:15,031
of a single, straight version
of you, do you?
261
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:16,970
I used to know one.
262
00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:19,837
Are you looking for a date?
263
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,279
I told you,
it's been over two years.
264
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,479
I need a lot more than a date.
265
00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:33,188
♪ Popsicles are awesome ♪
266
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,928
Okay, I'm gonna go
check on the kids.
267
00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:39,893
I'm gonna wait here for a bit.
268
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:48,571
Hope you are ready to go.
The ladies just Instagrammed
269
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,105
a selfie from the limo.
270
00:11:50,309 --> 00:11:53,301
Hashtag GirlsNightOut
is on like Chaka Khan!
271
00:11:53,846 --> 00:11:55,973
All right, Louis
is eating his dinner.
272
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,717
Hey, thank you again
for watching him tonight.
273
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:01,250
And if anything comes up...
274
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:03,046
and I mean anything at all,
you call my cell.
275
00:12:03,255 --> 00:12:05,985
- Got it.
- Lf he wants to play a game,
276
00:12:06,192 --> 00:12:07,659
he likes Chutes and Ladders.
277
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:10,351
And if he want to watch a cartoon,
he likes Phineas and Ferb.
278
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,760
And who does he like in the
Cardinals-Rams game tonight?
279
00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:15,433
I know I'm being
a little bit crazy,
280
00:12:15,634 --> 00:12:17,329
but this is the first time
I've left him alone.
281
00:12:17,536 --> 00:12:19,527
Relax, I had five kids,
282
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,435
12 grandkids and
four great-grandkids.
283
00:12:22,641 --> 00:12:24,768
I've done it all.
284
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:27,907
Except teach them
about birth control.
285
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:30,514
I don't feel good.
286
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:32,213
Oh, no.
What's the matter?
287
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,749
I just threw up.
288
00:12:34,153 --> 00:12:36,348
Oh, no.
Oh... yep.
289
00:12:36,555 --> 00:12:38,045
- He's got a fever.
- (GROANS)
290
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:39,918
I'll bet it was that snot-nosed kid
on the rock wall.
291
00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:42,151
- Typhoid Tyler.
- Yeah.
292
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,554
I got this.
293
00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:46,087
I worked for Charlie
for ten years.
294
00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:48,095
I know vomit.
295
00:12:48,834 --> 00:12:51,428
Cleaning it up and inducing it.
296
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:54,629
I never threw up
SpaghettiOs before.
297
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,000
It's kind of fun.
298
00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:57,869
(CHUCKLES)
299
00:12:58,077 --> 00:12:59,772
- Should we go to the doctor?
- No, no.
300
00:12:59,979 --> 00:13:01,344
I'm sure it's just a tummy ache.
301
00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:03,139
I'll text the girls and let 'em know
we can't make it.
302
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,283
Oh, no. Come on.
You go.
303
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:06,485
You sure?
304
00:13:06,685 --> 00:13:08,516
Yeah, come on, this is
what a parent does.
305
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:09,847
This is what I signed up for.
306
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:12,956
Besides, you took a half an hour
getting into those Spanx.
307
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,026
All right. Sorry.
308
00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:19,328
I'll send pictures. Danielle said
that if I get her drunk enough
309
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:20,793
she'll show me her tattoos.
310
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:23,929
She's got a bird on her hand
and two in her...
311
00:13:27,339 --> 00:13:30,035
Walden...
I'm sorry I got sick.
312
00:13:30,242 --> 00:13:32,437
What? Come on, man.
Don't be sorry.
313
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,239
It happens.
I'm sorry you don't feel well.
314
00:13:35,781 --> 00:13:37,146
But you were going
to go out with Alan
315
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:38,748
and now you can't 'cause of me.
316
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,914
I'm not missing anything.
317
00:13:41,253 --> 00:13:43,118
You ever seen Alan dance?
318
00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,621
All right.
Now, you get some good sleep
319
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:51,024
and I'm gonna be right here
if you need anything.
320
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:52,663
And you know
who else'll be here?
321
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:55,095
Your new friend,
"Barfy the Bucket."
322
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:57,801
♪ I'm here for you ♪
323
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,631
♪ If you're ready to spew! ♪
(MOCK VOMITS)
324
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,166
(DOORBELL RINGS)
325
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:12,474
- Hey.
- Laurel.
326
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,743
What are you doing here?
327
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:16,820
I bailed.
Didn't Alan tell you?
328
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:20,287
No, the only thing I got
was a picture of Alan twerking.
329
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:26,355
With a caption that said,
"Alan got his groove back."
330
00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:28,332
Well, when I heard
that Louis was sick,
331
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,331
I thought you could
use some help.
332
00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:32,867
- And soup.
- Come on, that is so sweet.
333
00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:34,402
You did not have to do this.
334
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,632
- You look amazing.
- Oh, thanks.
335
00:14:36,842 --> 00:14:38,639
Well, I already had
the sitter, and
336
00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:41,369
first rule of parenting:
Never cancel the sitter.
337
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,941
Well, unless she's banging
your husband.
338
00:14:45,284 --> 00:14:47,149
- Too far?
- No.
339
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,650
"Too far" was starting
a Facebook page
340
00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:53,313
called "Tiffany Jones is a
Husband-Stealing Little Bitch."
341
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,985
So, do you know what Louis has?
342
00:14:57,196 --> 00:14:58,754
Well, I went on the Internet
343
00:14:58,964 --> 00:15:01,023
and I've narrowed it down
to either the flu,
344
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:03,827
rickets
or early-onset menopause.
345
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:07,402
Second rule of parenting:
Never consult the Internet.
346
00:15:07,706 --> 00:15:10,174
- How's he doing now?
- Well, he's asleep
347
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:13,072
- and he's doing pretty well.
- Good, because...
348
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:15,747
I brought this for us.
349
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:18,678
Oh. You know,
third rule of parenting:
350
00:15:18,884 --> 00:15:21,375
Kids aren't the only ones
that can drink from a bottle.
351
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:27,320
♪ (ALL SINGING ALONG TO
"LADIES NIGHT") ♪
352
00:15:30,462 --> 00:15:32,657
♪ (CONTINUES SINGING
ALONG IN A LOW VOICE) ♪
353
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,628
ALL: Whooo!
354
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:37,825
Whoa! Whoa! Easy, there. I pour
strong when the alcohol's free.
355
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:40,801
I have to cram a lot of fun
into a short amount of time.
356
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,667
Kind of like sex with Roger.
357
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:46,408
What is it with guys
and their constant need for sex?
358
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,409
Look at Alan here.
He's out with two women,
359
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,514
but I bet even he
wants sex right now.
360
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,512
I do. I really do.
361
00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:53,946
Oh, my God!
Let's dance!
362
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,951
(WOMEN CHEER)
363
00:15:58,157 --> 00:15:59,351
Come up here, Alan!
364
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,685
No, I'm good down here.
365
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:05,928
Well, he's still asleep
and he feels cooler,
366
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,156
but now I'm worried that
he might have hypothermia.
367
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:10,733
Yeah. You know,
one of the hardest lessons
368
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:12,403
I've had to learn as a parent
is sometimes
369
00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:13,696
you just gotta relax.
370
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,340
(CHUCKLING) Relax?
All I do is worry.
371
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:19,102
And now that I don't sleep,
I have plenty of time to do it.
372
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,006
Is he exercising enough?
373
00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:23,204
Is he eating right?
Does he even want to stay here?
374
00:16:23,415 --> 00:16:26,077
I mean, this is the most
terrifying thing I've ever done.
375
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:28,719
And this is scarier than
when I bought the big iPhone
376
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,946
and I didn't know
if it would fit in my pocket.
377
00:16:34,693 --> 00:16:37,491
You think you're scared?
I have a daughter.
378
00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:39,726
I worry about
all the same things you do,
379
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,261
plus penises.
380
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,833
And with you, you have to worry
about animated penises.
381
00:16:46,538 --> 00:16:48,165
I should have never
told you that.
382
00:16:48,374 --> 00:16:50,171
You should never
tell anyone that.
383
00:16:51,243 --> 00:16:52,938
All right, all right.
What's your next date?
384
00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:54,112
Shrek?
385
00:16:55,481 --> 00:16:57,449
No, no, no.
The genie from Aladdin.
386
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:02,517
Or maybe you'll have a three-way
with the Hakuna Matata guys?
387
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,086
- Shut up.
- Make me.
388
00:17:06,225 --> 00:17:07,624
I could make you.
389
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:10,795
- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hm.
390
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:12,424
I'm right here.
391
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:21,095
- I'm so sorry.
- What? Why?
392
00:17:23,909 --> 00:17:25,069
You're married.
393
00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:27,245
- To a man.
- Oh.
394
00:17:27,479 --> 00:17:29,743
- That.
- I should go.
395
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,075
No, no, no, no. No, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
396
00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:35,014
Here's... okay, the thing
about my marriage is...
397
00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:36,511
I'm not gay.
398
00:17:37,589 --> 00:17:38,886
Does Alan know?
399
00:17:40,592 --> 00:17:42,025
His brain knows,
400
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,718
but his heart may not.
401
00:17:45,264 --> 00:17:47,664
Here's the thing.
Here's the thing: Alan is...
402
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:50,494
he's my best friend, okay?
And he married me as a favor
403
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,170
so it would be easier
to adopt Louis.
404
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:57,403
Well, I mean... The fact that you
married your best friend
405
00:17:57,609 --> 00:17:59,600
so that you could
adopt Louis is...
406
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:02,170
actually very sweet.
407
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:04,839
So...
408
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,277
...you're not
mad at me?
409
00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:11,619
Hakuna matata.
410
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,754
That's my philosophy.
411
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,228
So...
412
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:24,067
...can we kiss again?
- Yeah.
413
00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:28,666
It's been so long since
I've kissed a man.
414
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,772
I wish I could say
the same thing.
415
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:34,440
Julie, your boobs look
great in that blouse.
416
00:18:34,646 --> 00:18:36,238
- I am so jealous.
- ♪ (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
417
00:18:36,482 --> 00:18:40,475
Thanks to my kids, mine went
from 34B to 34 "used to be."
418
00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:42,984
- I like your boobs.
- I don't know.
419
00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:45,554
What do you think, Alan,
should I get 'em done?
420
00:18:45,757 --> 00:18:48,123
Oh, well, I'm no expert.
I think they're lovely.
421
00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:49,521
Are you sure?
422
00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:52,424
Oh, my!
You just did that.
423
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,095
You guys, I think there's
something I should tell you...
424
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,461
He has nothing
to compare them with. Here.
425
00:19:00,372 --> 00:19:02,602
You guys are my best friends.
426
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,135
Okay, okay.
427
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:07,937
I know you haven't
done this in a while,
428
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,910
so I don't want to go too fast,
429
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:12,549
- but do you want to go up to my...
- Let's go.
430
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:13,944
Oh.
431
00:19:15,587 --> 00:19:17,452
LOUIS: Walden?
432
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,180
Can you come here?
433
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:22,857
He didn't say "over,"
so it doesn't count.
434
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,722
Go check on him.
It's fine.
435
00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:28,957
I've waited for two years,
I can wait a little bit longer.
436
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:30,858
Thank you.
437
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:34,428
Don't start without me.
(CHUCKLES)
438
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:36,434
Or do.
439
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:38,775
By the way,
if you want to stay in the mood,
440
00:19:38,977 --> 00:19:41,104
we get all the cartoon channels.
441
00:19:58,096 --> 00:19:59,723
Walden?
442
00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:10,366
Parenting rule number four:
443
00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:12,467
Sleep is better than sex.
444
00:20:17,416 --> 00:20:19,611
This is the best night
of my life.
445
00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:22,048
I love you girls.
446
00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:24,622
We should get matching tattoos.
447
00:20:24,823 --> 00:20:26,222
I have a better idea.
448
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:27,619
Let's go to a strip club!
449
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,089
That is better!
450
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:32,195
(ALL CHEER)
451
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:35,332
♪ ("LADIES NIGHT" PLAYS) ♪
452
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,697
This was a great idea.
453
00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:44,071
That is definitely
bigger than fun size.
454
00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:46,073
Make it rain!
455
00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:48,178
Yeah, give him some money!
456
00:20:49,548 --> 00:20:51,846
Oh, this just keeps
getting better.
457
00:20:54,900 --> 00:21:02,900
Ripped By mstoll