- Jane, should I come in now? - Sure.
The reviews are in! The reviews are in!
I love it! Very 1930s newsboy.
Newsies. Yeah, that's what I was going for.
"New York Times loves Valerie Cherish."
Can I see it, Miss Val?
You sure can, dear. You look pretty today. Look at you.
See, there it is.
I don't like the picture.
Well, the... Well, no, that's 'cause I'm acting.
She doesn't know.
James Lewis has a maid, and she says funny things.
It's a big part.
Is it?
Mickey, anything?
You mean the maid on Jeff Lewis' show, Flipping Out?
Jeff Lewis, that's right.
I quit.
Yeah, funny.
Looking for her hook.
- Val? - Well, there he is!
- Hi. - My stay-at-another-home husband.
Mr. Mark, how do you like the new house?
It's... It's great. I can...
See the ocean.
So great.
Real excited for our sleepover Saturday night.
Guess what. Got us a dinner reservation at Nobu in Malibu.
Date night. So fun.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
How'd you do that? It's always so hard to get a table there.
I know. Well, I think I got a little help from a New York Times review.
Here it is!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is it?
- I highlighted the parts about me. - Yeah.
"Valerie Cherish is quite a revelation as Mallory Church,
"a narcissistic, self-destructive, fading former television star."
Yeah, they get it.
"She brings to her character a vitality and here yet unforeseen..."
Jeez, someone went to Yale.
"...unexpected complexity."
That's great.
Couldn't have done it without you, Mark.
And they like Seth Rogen, too?
Well, yeah. What's not to like?
I mean, you know... Funny, shoots heroin. You know, I smell Emmy.
I smell two!
This part's not so good.
"These two pros..."
Called me a pro.
"...have elevated the predictability of this navel-gazing material.
"Hey, heads up, Hollywood.
"Being a writer is hard, and sometimes we have to do drugs.
"And for the privilege of witnessing this, HBO asks us to pay."
Well, that's why you need actors, see? To elevate.
Hey, what...
Where is everybody? Shouldn't this stuff be set out for the premiere party?
No, the party was canceled, Mark.
Didn't Tyler tell you? I have to do re-shoots.
Well, you could have told me this before I had to drive all the way out here.
"All the way"? You live here. You know?
Plus, you know, your nephew was the one who was supposed to tell you, not me.
Wait. So, we can't even hang out?
No, I'm due on set.
I'm supposed to be on set right now. You know. So...
Well, Saturday night, I'm all yours. Right?
And then, the week after that, you're back here. So, not long.
Well...
Actually, I'm just gonna stay there.
I mean, it's rented till the end of the month, and you still have these.
No offense, Jane.
And the floor guys are gonna be here fixing all those scratches
that I'm winding up paying for.
Right, yeah. No, that's smart. Yeah. You're right.
Why not enjoy the ocean breeze, you know?
Instead of all the sanding and noise. Yeah.
What are we gonna do with all this sushi?
There's like $2,000 of yellowtail here.
No, that's all... You'll take some.
- Right? - No, no.
I think I'm gonna wait for Nobu.
Okay, well, Esperanza. Okay, you'll take some.
And then, the rest of this, I'm gonna bring to set.
You know? Tyler.
For the premiere party there. While we're filming, you know?
So nothing will be wasted.
Yeah, no, except another hour I spent driving here for no reason.
Well, yeah. Everybody loses. Yeah.
- I need some clean shirts. - Okay.
That sales girl must have seen me coming.
Help! Anyone! I have to learn to tweet before the show airs.
- Here. - Thank you, Cricket.
Yeah, help him out 'cause we're live-tweetin', you know, the show, and every vote counts.
Luckily, my 6,000 followers are primed and ready.
Knock, knock. Val?
Rada! Hi, doll. Come on in. How are you?
Good. So, let's talk about the re-shoot.
Sorry they're so sudden.
We just... After we saw a rough cut of the finale, we had some questions.
Didn't test well?
No. We don't test at HBO.
Well. Really isn't TV, it's HBO.
Far cry from the networks, right? Right, Mickey?
- You remember Mickey? Yeah. - Of course.
- So, about the new material... - Yeah.
We wanted to see more of Mallory.
Like it so far.
Also, we...
- Excuse me, ladies. - Okay.
Unfortunately, I have to go to the restroom right away.
Okay.
No. I'm not going to make it in time. I'm going to use yours, Valerie.
Okay.
Pardon the noise.
- So... - Yeah.
The new pages show more of Mallory in her work world.
Not just Mitch's office all the time.
That's great.
And also, we felt it wasn't clear
that the last scene in the finale was Mitch's detox hallucination.
So, we really wanted Paulie to underline the drug/show business symbolism.
Great. I got it. I got it. Great.
Is that it? That's great. Because, you know what? Thank you.
Just, thank you.
You know, for, you know, wonderful opportunity to make the show even better.
Yeah. That's great, doll. Thank you.
- Well, I will let you get to it. - Okay.
And also, great New York Times review. I'm sorry. I don't know if you read reviews.
Well, of course I read reviews. Yeah, how else do I know how we're doing?
You know? Gotta know.
Of course. Have a good one.
'Cause you know what, I'm not HBO, I'm an actress.
Right? Just a callback.
- Is she gone? - Yes.
I am so sorry, Red.
- It's that new medication. - That's fine.
If I even think about it, it's "Wham, bam, thank you, madame."
No, that's fine, it's okay.
I can kick the cancer,
but the public humiliation's a whole other battle.
Right. No, I know.
That's fine, you know. You gotta go, you gotta go. Right?
- Thanks, sweetie. - Sure.
All right, let me look these over, okay.
It's a lot.
There's Billy.
- Val, ready to live-tweet Seeing Red? - Yeah.
Check it out. #RedIsTheNewOrange.
You know, from Orange Is the New Black?
Really? Now you're just saying colors.
Okay. Look at this. Here we are on the Mallory set.
Oh, my gosh, this is her world.
No.
No, no, no. No. Not... Can't do that. Can't have it.
I know this is your stuff.
Paulie told me to make it exactly like your wall at home.
I hear you. Okay?
But you can't have the I'm It chair back.
You can't. Okay? Because everyone's gonna know that's me.
I just got these pages yesterday. We couldn't mock up your wall overnight.
- Val. - Yeah?
If anyone's looking at that wall during this scene,
then I fucked up, right?
No, no. Now... No, but, you know, the I'm It chair back, okay?
That's a real show, Paulie. From a real network.
You know, it's too late to get clearance.
And plus, my fans. You know, my fans are gonna see I'm It!
And they're gonna say, "Wait, isn't that Valerie? Wait, what is this?
"Is it Valerie or Mallory? I'm confused. Help."
It doesn't matter, Val. Everyone's playing themselves now, right?
I mean, Matt LeBlanc isn't "Matt LeBlanc," right?
Okay, but Matt LeBlanc isn't getting down on his knees and giving you a blowjob.
That I know of.
Right? No, listen. It's just that Mallory did. Okay?
And if that stuff's up there, I'm It, people will think that was me doing that.
And I don't...
Let's take it down.
Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Really appreciate it.
You know, 'cause even The New York Times, Paulie?
Even they said Mallory Church is self-destructive and mean.
As opposed to Valerie Cherish. So, gotta keep it...
- They said that in The Times? ...separate.
Yeah. Yeah.
- They liked it? - They liked it. Yeah.
I didn't read anything, so...
You know what? That is so smart. Good for you.
Because, you know, all reviews are gonna be mixed.
It's mixed?
Well, you know...
The New York Times is mixed?
Some people get it, some people don't.
Oh, my God.
Okay, Paulie. You know what?
The headline for you here is that you have a show on HBO,
and it's gonna do real well.
What did I say about anyone talking about the reviews?
No. You know what?
I'm not gonna let you walk away feeling that way. Okay, Paulie?
Here. I'm gonna show you how you should feel.
- Jesus Christ. - I'm just gonna find a good one.
Fuck.
Here's one.
Okay. BobTV. Com. Okay.
"I've been following Paulie G. Since The Simpsons.
"His writing is so funny, so dark, so edgy." Ripped By mstoll
- BobTV. Com? - Yeah.
Yeah, no. That's... That's better than The New York Times.
Right? That's better than The Hollywood Reporter.
You read that one?
Motherfucker! Walk away from me!
Go! No. All of you.
Jane, we should go.
Val, East Coast premiere in 10 minutes. You ready to tweet?
Hi, Ron.
Yeah, I see. But I'm tweeting, as per HBO.
Don't start with me, Valerie.
I'm already up to my ears with your desert scene.
- What desert scene? - Come on.
What desert scene?
Okay, well...
Here's the headline. I guess I'm going to the desert.
Yeah. Saturday.
Saturday? Okay, well, listen. I've got...
Excuse me.
...you know, a commitment on Saturday. So, can we just move it to Monday?
Monday, we'll be in six hours of traffic. Saturday, two hours, in and out.
Well, all right, all right.
It's just that it's just a real important family thing that I have to go to.
I have to. So can you just...
Can you shoot around me, you know, like we do for Seth?
What family thing? A funeral or something?
- No, no. - What?
I have...
Dinner with my husband. It's at Nobu. It's hard to get a reservation.
Go another night! He'll understand.
- Well... - Listen, we're shooting Saturday,
so we can get out of this fucking show and put our lives back together again.
Right. Okay. That's true.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Valerie, we're ready. I need you on your mark.
Is he ready? Is he okay?
- He's over there reading the reviews. - Okay.
Jane, are these new cameras gonna make me look weird?
Like I'm looking through a peephole?
- No. - No?
Okay. Just...
Last thing I need is to look like a nosy neighbor, or a serial killer, right?
- Hello. - It's me.
Mark?
Yeah. So, it's a no at Nobu.
Shoot. They couldn't change the time?
My review didn't help?
No, no. They only have 5:00 or 11:30.
Well. Well...
5:00, that's when I'm leaving the desert, so...
Such a shame. I'm so sorry, Marky Mark.
Shoot. Well, you wanna try for Sunday?
No, I have... I have plans on Sunday.
Okay. Plans with... What kind of plans?
Plans...
Plans with who?
It's just Cathy,
the lady that found me the house, and some people in the neighborhood.
Okay. Okay.
Well, Saturday it is.
Okay? So, I'll just come to you straight from work.
All right? I'll probably get there around 7:00. No later than 7:00.
Where do you want me to make reservations?
You know what? I'll handle that. I'll make the dinner plans.
After all, I'm the wife.
You're on camera.
All right, I'll call you later.
Right. Well, I'm going out.
Okay.
- Bye. - Okay, yeah. Bye.
Okay. Well...
Well, here I am at WORLDFOODS shopping for my man.
Any wife can make reservations. I'm making dinner.
There's Mickey.
Yeah. Everything okay?
Well, let's just say I barely made it in time and left four pounds in there.
- I don't know about me in the desert, Red. - Yeah.
- Is that terrain porta-potty friendly? - Well, yeah.
You know what? I've got Marianina coming, so I don't think you should go.
- Well, probably right. - Yeah.
Well, let's see.
Where is the meat?
Remember that? "Where's the meat?"
Yes.
All right, I should find that, 'cause I'm gonna build the dinner from there.
Okay now. Here's the meat.
You know, that's what it is. That... It was, "Here's the beef!"
- Right? - Yeah.
"Here's the beef!" Yeah. That was that saying.
What can I help you with, ma'am?
Yeah. I'm making a special dinner for my husband.
So what do you have that's special?
For special occasions, I like lamb.
Lamb? Yeah.
Yeah. That's what lamb looks like. See that?
That's too many bones, I think. Yeah.
How about...
What about beef? Is that bleh?
You think that's too bleh? Beef?
So, what can you... Okay. What can you do with beef that's fun?
No comment.
Thank you. Okay.
Fun! "Beef rollatini."
That looks pretty.
"Roll up meat..."
That sounds complicated.
You know, I think Mark would just rather go out. So...
Thank you, anyway. Yeah.
Valerie.
How are you?
Good. You?
Val, it's Gigi from Room and Bored.
Bored!
Gigi, the girl writer! Yeah! Doll! So good to see you.
- Mickey, look who it is! - Yeah.
I didn't recognize your blonde hair.
- Yeah. - That's...
You look so different with it.
You caught me eating kale chips. So embarrassing.
No, they're good for you, so, you know...
So, how are you? Taking Hollywood by storm?
Kind of. I'm doing Pretty Little Liars.
You really are taking it by storm.
I love that show!
Thanks, I love it, too. Yeah, those girls are the best.
And I'm adopting a child.
That's lovely. When? When is that?
I'm not really sure. I'm on a list.
Yeah.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
I need a root canal. That's on the list, too.
But I never have any time off, so...
Well...
Yeah. Working so hard.
Sure, you know.
But teeth are important. Just FYI.
- I saw your HBO show last night. - Thank you.
Yeah, I did a pilot for them three years ago. I really thought it was gonna go.
It was called Who Could Love You?
A female-driven comedy
about a woman who woke up one day four times bigger than when she went to bed.
They picked up Girls instead.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
God, I'm so embarrassed.
No, no. Is it the tooth? It hurts?
Three years and I'm still crying.
It was... It was so good, Val. The show.
It was everything that I wanted to say as a writer,
and now I'm on ABC Family.
Well, you know...
Gigi, look on the bright side. You know, you're on a hit.
Mickey, you have a Kleenex to give her?
Plus, PLL is so much work,
and no one ever says, "Hey, Gigi, you wanna get a drink after?"
Right. Well, you know, they're all underage. The PLLs, right?
I belong on HBO, Val.
- I do! - Okay.
My show! It was a really good show.
I'm sorry.
No, that's...
No, you know what, Gigi? You had a real big disappointment, right?
Real big.
So, you know what you do, is you take that ABC Family money,
and you buy yourself a real nice house.
I own four houses, and they're all empty.
Because I don't have anyone,
and it's hard to get my dogs back and forth between the houses.
And I have this dog walker who is just this complete and utter bitch.
You don't even understand.
I'm so sorry.
Well, this went well, don't you think? I'm gonna go.
It was really nice to see you, Valerie and Mickey.
Yeah.
Don't show this anywhere. Jane, I'm serious.
Women in this business are not allowed to cry.
Don't show it.
That's a cautionary tale, huh?
That's what happens, though, you know,
when you make show business your whole life. Right?
You know, next thing you know,
you're eating kale chips out of a shopping cart.
So...
Look at that.
Sure, she's at the top of her game...
- Top of her scale, too. - Well.
Yeah. Just...
Sir? Excuse me.
Yeah, I will... I'm gonna take the beef.
You have arrived at your destination.
Have I?
100 degrees, and it's only 6:00 a.m. Boy.
Hey, Shayna.
What, we couldn't film on the surface of the sun?
I know, it's hot. Morning.
Okay, so it's hot. That's all right. We'll just bang this out.
You know, then sooner we get done, you know, sooner we can leave.
- Right? - Yeah.
So, just point me to my trailer, darling, and let's do this!
All right, this is base camp. But the location is still 20 minutes away.
Okay, translation for the layman.
The air conditioning's here, and the acting is way over there.
No, I get it. I'm just kidding.
As you can see, I got a jump start on the wig.
Right? So, I just need to find Marianina, and I'm ready in a half-hour.
Great. Paulie hasn't written the last scene yet, so...
Just keeps getting better.
But we can shoot out your car scene while we wait for the pages.
Okay, I gotta be out by 5:00, the latest. All right? I told Ron 5:00.
So, 5:00 means 5:00.
Need to know I'm being heard.
- Am I being heard? - Out at 5:00.
Thank you. Okay.
You know, I wouldn't be that type of actress, but I got something personal.
Cooking dinner for my husband. It's real important.
So, okay, great.
Also, you know what, I have a cooler of meat in the car, needs to be refrigerated.
Okay, sure, just put it in the catering truck. Grab breakfast, and I'll come get you.
Okay, yeah.
This heat is bullshit!
Too hot!
Another one bites the dust.
All right, here we go!
And... Action, action!
Cut! No, cut, cut, cut!
Hold the roll.
- You're gonna kill me. - What? What now?
The snakes don't look real. I have to wet them down or something.
Props! Spray the snakes!
I know, I know.
But no one's gonna believe it if it's, like, "Five, six, seven, eight...
"And fake! And fake!"
- Really? - Yeah.
Believable? Okay, to that point? Really? Mallory's getting kidnapped?
Seems to me she's a big TV star
according to that dressing room wall I saw, right?
So, what? She's just being dragged off the soundstage bound and gagged?
No one says anything or does anything?
Andie, snakes aside, no one's gonna believe that.
Right? So, then we do all this, right? And you just cut it in editing?
Okay, you're getting me.
- I hear you. - Yeah.
You want to go talk to Paulie about it?
No, I don't. I don't want to bother him because I need him to finish.
- Okay? - Right?
Yeah, so, okay, just tape me. Okay. Let's get it done.
All right. All right, let's go!
A-marker.
Action!
Cut! The tape came off.
A-marker.
And action, action!
The tape came off again. It's stuck to my shoulder.
A-marker.
The big snake passed out from the heat.
So, the handler pulled him, but we're getting another snake.
I'd like to meet that handler. Maybe I'd like him to represent me.
Okay. Well...
No, actually, it's important no animals get hurt.
PETA, there you are.
A-marker.
Okay, that's just raw skin now. What? What happened?
Camera thing.
You know, this is taking all morning. We're gonna be behind.
No, it's fine, we don't even have the last scene yet.
We don't? Where is he?
He's in his tent, writing. Someone says he's depressed.
He's depressed? Really?
'Cause I'm losing brain cells from the gas fumes in here.
Am I crazy, or is there a gas smell in here?
Is there gas in the tank?
The car's not practical, right?
No.
Sir, can you not smoke near the car when my hands are tied, please?
A-marker.
- What? - Val, girlfriend.
The snakes, they still look fake.
- Well. - So I need to throw in a few live ones.
- What? - Okay. Not poisonous.
It's gonna be so good. Okay, please?
One. Just one snake. It will make the whole thing believable.
- One! - Okay.
And it has to be over there and nowhere near me, okay?
- Okay. - Girlfriend.
Just FYI, there are no real dragons in Game of Thrones.
- It's not a joke. - Okay.
- Can't do it in post? - Yeah.
Here we go!
Did post quit? All right.
A-marker.
Action, action!
Cut!
I'm hot.
Yeah, well, we're all hot, Tyler. Okay?
That salamander over there just quit.
Shayna?
Anything?
No? No pages?
No sign of anything?
Nope. How are you all doing?
Well, no pages. So...
Don't know why they're insisting I wait up here when there are no pages.
Well, Ron...
Ron wants us to be ready to go as soon as the pages come out.
Is that what Ron wants? Really?
Is that what he said from down there in his air conditioning?
What time is it, Jane?
2:30.
It is 2:30. Okay.
Not getting out of here by 5:00.
One of the crew guys said he's not even writing in there, he's just doing drugs.
What? Is that true? That's really important, Tyler. Is that true?
Who said that?
What...
What's going on? What did he say?
He said he saw some weird guy show up, and go in his tent, like, 20 minutes ago.
So, is he in there now?
Is he in there right now with the... No, no. Damn it. Damn it!
Shoot. That's not good.
This is not good. Not good.
Jane, come. Guys, let's go. Yeah. Let's go.
Paulie G.'s doing drugs?
What if he gets hooked again, and I miss my dinner,
and then what was this all about?
You know, all of this. What was it about?
You know what, you guys, you keep filming no matter what.
You keep filming. We're gonna scare the guy away.
What is it? I don't know what that is?
- Get the fuck out of here! - But what's happening?
Get out!
- Jane, do you know what that is? - Jesus Christ!
- What is that? - He's getting a massage.
Get the fuck out!
- When are you ever gonna fucking stop? - We should go.
Tyler, why'd you send me in there?
He's not doing drugs!
Why'd you do that?
He said he saw a weird guy, and I thought drugs.
And then you filled in the rest of the story? Don't do that. You're not a writer.
- Now just roll up the meat. - Okay.
- Good, Valerie. - Nice.
- Look at that! - I think I'm getting it.
- Yeah. - Beautiful.
That was good. I'm gonna do another, okay?
It's not that hard, you know, as it turns out.
Here comes the boss man, ladies.
All right, well, we're busy.
Why aren't you on the set?
Well, Ron, I was up on the set. You know, but there were no pages.
So, my wig started popping, and then my makeup started melting.
I had to, you know, come back up to reattach and reapply.
So, still no pages, so I thought I'd just stay up here. Keep cool.
You know, thinking about production.
What are you doing right now?
Right now? Well, I'm making beef rollatini.
You know, 'cause...
You know, Ron, I'm not out by 5:00. Right? That ship sailed.
So, just making my husband dinner.
You're rolling up beef on my time?
On your time?
There are no pages, Ron. There are no pages, okay?
The hair and makeup truck told me if I go up there
and melt in the sun again, it's going to be two hours of repair work.
Okay? I need those two hours for my life!
Hey, Val, I'd like to invite you to set.
Okay, and then this one, okay? She's invited me to set four times today.
And it's a false invitation.
Because I get up there, and I'm the only guest.
All right? That's not right, okay?
Shayna? Don't try to coax me into coming to set either anymore, okay?
Stop with the invitations. All right? I'm not a child.
You want me to come to set? Just tell me you want me to come to set. I'll come.
It's probably not your fault. Probably teach you that in AD school, right?
What do they say? What do they say?
"Don't tell actors to come to set. They don't like being told what to do."
Is that what they say? "Invite them like it's a party. Actors like parties."
Don't do that anymore, all right? And while we're here, might as well tell you.
Please don't ask for my autograph at the end of every day
on the time-out sheet, okay?
Don't do that. Is that another thing they taught you?
"Actors love signing their autographs, so ask for it that way."
Just don't ask for my autograph anymore, okay?
I know you're not a fan. That's okay.
And I know that you are not a fan.
I want you up on the set now!
You know what, Ron? I was up on the set.
Okay? I was up on the set earlier,
locked in a hot, gas fume-smelling trunk with live snakes!
And where were you? You weren't there! Where were you?
I know where you were!
You were sitting in your chair in air conditioning!
Okay.
- The middle finger? - Yeah.
- That's not right. - No.
That's right. The middle finger. Did you see that?
I don't know how fast you drove, Jane, but I was going 100 and you beat me.
Okay.
Okay. It's dark.
Okay, well...
Yeah, it's 11:30, so, you know...
He was mad. Kept going to voicemail. You know, thinks I stood him up.
That's what it is. Yeah. Just be even madder if I wake him up, right?
So, okay.
Okay.
Why did you leave it there?
Just so he knows. Can see I made the effort, you know.
I'm gonna leave a note. Yeah, I should leave a note.
It's 11:30. Probably should have just kept that reservation at Nobu, right?
Okay.
What does it say?
Okay.
Good night. Drive safe.
No, where'd those dogs come from?
No. No! No.
Puppies... Doggies... Go! Go!
What if they're coyotes? They're coyotes!
I think they have collars on.
They, what? Yeah?
- They have collars on. - Okay.
Look at that.
They got into it.
Shoot.
Took off. Yeah, the note's stupid.
Do you even know he's home?
He's home.
He's home. Stop it.
You know what would be cute?
If I...
Took a little pebble, you know, like old-time lovers?
Just...
Tapped at his window?
So cute.
Okay. Now the neighbors are gonna... Let's...
Mark, it's me! Forgot to give me a key.
Okay.
All right, well, he's home. Right?
So, you guys can take off, he's coming.
Jane, wait, can you...
Tyler's asleep in the back. Can you get him home?
Thank you.
Val, you threw a rock through the fucking rental window.
Yeah, my mistake, I'll pay for it.
Yeah. Okay.
Mark, the kitchen's to the right, or...
You got it?
All right, let's go.
Ripped By mstoll