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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 13x07 ♪
Stewie, Chris & Brian's Excellent Adventure
Original Air Date on
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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You are watching Amazon Prime,
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the network that brought you
your sunscreen in two days.
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00:00:38,648 --> 00:00:42,345
Amazon Prime-- like
the eighth best way to watch TV.
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00:00:42,379 --> 00:00:44,676
Hi, Chris, how
was school?
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00:00:44,710 --> 00:00:46,976
Wait, what's that note
pinned to your backpack?
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Bet it's from a girl
in the lunchroom
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who wants a taste
of corn dog.
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00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:52,304
Was that a sex joke?
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It's...
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I don't know,
shut up.
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00:00:54,742 --> 00:00:57,400
Oh, dear, it's from
Principal Shepherd.
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00:00:57,442 --> 00:00:59,936
Peter, he wants to see us
first thing tomorrow.
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00:00:59,978 --> 00:01:01,546
Oh, Chris is
in trouble.
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00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:03,881
Sounds like he needs a
little fatherly wisdom.
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00:01:03,915 --> 00:01:05,510
Better get my pipe.
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00:01:05,544 --> 00:01:07,506
Peter, I think that's
the wrong kind of pipe.
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00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:08,841
I'm sorry, Mom.
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00:01:08,875 --> 00:01:10,839
I haven't been doing
too great in school lately.
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00:01:10,881 --> 00:01:12,508
Well, that's
very disappointing.
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I guess your father and I will
have to talk to the principal
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00:01:15,211 --> 00:01:16,669
and figure out
how to handle this.
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00:01:16,703 --> 00:01:17,836
Ah, I wouldn't
worry, Lois.
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00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:19,507
I never did very well
in school either.
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00:01:19,541 --> 00:01:21,138
I even failed
homeroom.
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00:01:21,172 --> 00:01:22,241
Peter Griffin?
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00:01:22,275 --> 00:01:23,375
There.
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Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
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00:01:29,004 --> 00:01:31,336
Chris seems to be
struggling in his classes,
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00:01:31,378 --> 00:01:33,670
and often when kids
have trouble in school,
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it's because something
is going on at home.
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00:01:35,879 --> 00:01:38,506
I haven't been attracted to Lois
for a year and a half.
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00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:41,543
Principal Shepherd, exactly
how poorly is Chris doing?
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00:01:41,577 --> 00:01:44,540
Well, right now,
he has a D-minus average.
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00:01:44,574 --> 00:01:46,706
His only hope is
his history final tomorrow.
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00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,041
If he fails that,
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00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,175
I'm afraid he'll have
to repeat ninth grade.
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00:01:50,209 --> 00:01:53,011
This... seems more
like a phone call.
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00:01:53,045 --> 00:01:54,170
Oh, my God.
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00:01:54,212 --> 00:01:56,177
I-I always knew Chris wasn't
a great student,
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00:01:56,211 --> 00:01:59,005
but I had no idea
the situation was so dire.
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Don't worry, I'll make
sure Chris passes history.
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You can count on me.
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00:02:02,475 --> 00:02:05,975
The same way NASA counted on me
during the Apollo 13 crisis.
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00:02:06,009 --> 00:02:07,476
All right, I'm gonna
need three coffins--
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00:02:07,510 --> 00:02:08,811
mahogany with
brass handles--
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00:02:08,845 --> 00:02:10,640
three new daddies for the
dead astronauts' kids,
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00:02:10,674 --> 00:02:11,975
and a black
suit for me.
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00:02:12,009 --> 00:02:14,971
Sir, I think I know a way
we can get them back.
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Is it hard?
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00:02:16,004 --> 00:02:17,137
It might be.
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Yeah, we-we've kind
of already decided
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we're going in
this direction.
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All right, Chris,
you got a lot riding
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00:02:26,042 --> 00:02:27,343
on this history
exam tomorrow.
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00:02:27,377 --> 00:02:28,343
I know.
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00:02:28,376 --> 00:02:30,174
Sam Cooke didn't
know much about history,
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00:02:30,208 --> 00:02:31,677
and he got shot in a hotel
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00:02:31,711 --> 00:02:34,011
wearing nothing
but a sports coat and a shoe.
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00:02:34,045 --> 00:02:36,178
Yeah, that's hilarious, Chris,
but we've got to buckle down.
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00:02:36,212 --> 00:02:38,681
Now, I'm gonna help you study
by nailing your door shut.
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00:02:38,715 --> 00:02:41,218
That way, you'll have no
choice but to hit the books.
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Oh, crap, I left
my phone in there.
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Damn
it, it's nailed shut.
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Dad, it looks like
some girl sent you
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a picture of her privates.
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Oh, crap! Lois!
I don't have the phone!
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Stop sending pictures!
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I already sent four more!
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00:02:57,087 --> 00:02:58,884
Chris, put down the phone!
Don't look at those!
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00:02:58,918 --> 00:03:01,323
Wait a minute,
that's both her hands!
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00:03:01,357 --> 00:03:03,492
Who the hell is
taking the pictures?!
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00:03:03,526 --> 00:03:05,830
All right, give me that
phone and get back to work.
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00:03:05,864 --> 00:03:07,199
And before you
judge your mother--
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you did most
of that damage.
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Oh.
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00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:15,905
Hey, Chris.
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00:03:15,947 --> 00:03:17,577
Just wanted to see
how the studying's going.
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00:03:17,611 --> 00:03:19,577
You guys, I've been
at this all night,
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00:03:19,611 --> 00:03:21,578
and I haven't
learned a thing.
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00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:24,417
There's no way I'm gonna pass
Mr. Harpington's history test.
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00:03:24,451 --> 00:03:25,585
Oh, come on, Chris.
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00:03:25,619 --> 00:03:27,250
I'm sure that's
just the nerves talking.
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00:03:27,291 --> 00:03:28,584
Here, I'll quiz you.
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00:03:28,618 --> 00:03:31,919
Who said, "We have nothing
to fear but fear itself"?
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00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,086
Scooby-Doo?
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00:03:33,128 --> 00:03:34,254
No.
Shaggy?
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00:03:34,296 --> 00:03:35,758
It's nobody on Scooby-Doo.
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00:03:35,792 --> 00:03:37,261
Wow, Chris,
you, uh...
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00:03:37,295 --> 00:03:38,491
you really don't
know history.
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00:03:39,861 --> 00:03:42,162
And if I fail ninth grade,
I won't amount to anything.
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00:03:42,196 --> 00:03:44,160
I'll end up being
one of those bus drivers
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00:03:44,194 --> 00:03:46,432
that parents don't
completely trust.
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00:03:48,801 --> 00:03:51,135
You have a beautiful
child, Mrs. Roberts.
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00:03:54,108 --> 00:03:55,739
God, poor Chris.
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00:03:55,781 --> 00:03:58,261
He's studying as hard as he can,
but it doesn't seem to matter.
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00:03:58,277 --> 00:03:59,579
Well, we got to
do something.
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00:03:59,613 --> 00:04:01,346
If he doesn't pass this
test, he's gonna have to...
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00:04:01,380 --> 00:04:02,681
Hey.
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00:04:02,715 --> 00:04:04,184
...he's gonna have to
repeat ninth grade.
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00:04:04,218 --> 00:04:06,047
Well, there's not much
we can do about it.
112
00:04:06,081 --> 00:04:08,001
Some people just aren't able
to learn from books.
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00:04:08,017 --> 00:04:10,714
Well, maybe he
doesn't have to.
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00:04:10,748 --> 00:04:11,748
What do you mean?
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00:04:11,786 --> 00:04:12,911
Maybe there's a way
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00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,749
to actually show
Chris history...
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00:04:14,783 --> 00:04:16,084
with my time machine.
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00:04:16,118 --> 00:04:17,745
You know, that's really
nice of you, Stewie.
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00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:18,912
Well, he's my brother.
120
00:04:18,946 --> 00:04:20,247
We've got to
stick together.
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00:04:20,281 --> 00:04:22,717
Like that two-headed
girl on TLC.
122
00:04:22,752 --> 00:04:25,981
Okay, who wants to taste it,
and who wants to smell it?
123
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,148
All right, we'll just
tell Chris he's dreaming,
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00:04:36,182 --> 00:04:38,411
because I don't want him
to know about my time machine.
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00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,411
Why not?
126
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:40,850
Eh, it's like having
a pickup truck.
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00:04:40,884 --> 00:04:42,985
Once people know you got one,
there go your weekends.
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00:04:43,019 --> 00:04:43,984
Chris?
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00:04:44,018 --> 00:04:44,984
Can you hear me?
130
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:45,983
Huh?
131
00:04:46,017 --> 00:04:46,983
You're dreaming.
132
00:04:47,017 --> 00:04:48,656
I'm dreaming?
133
00:04:48,690 --> 00:04:50,689
Yay! No consequences!
134
00:04:53,027 --> 00:04:54,489
So lifelike!
135
00:04:54,531 --> 00:04:57,391
All right, let's go back
six minutes and try this again.
136
00:04:57,433 --> 00:05:00,324
Chris, you're dreaming
with consequences.
137
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,332
What?
138
00:05:01,366 --> 00:05:02,500
That's right.
139
00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:04,500
We're gonna take you on
a special dream trip
140
00:05:04,534 --> 00:05:06,500
to help you pass
your history test.
141
00:05:06,534 --> 00:05:07,500
You are?
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00:05:07,534 --> 00:05:09,338
Yes, and there's
so much to learn.
143
00:05:09,372 --> 00:05:10,506
For example, did you know
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00:05:10,540 --> 00:05:13,074
that Jesus didn't really
die on the cross?
145
00:05:13,108 --> 00:05:14,906
So, what was the
cause of death?
146
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:17,577
Cocaine and severe trauma
to the colon.
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00:05:17,611 --> 00:05:19,944
Yeah, I'm gonna need
to see those forms.
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00:05:24,481 --> 00:05:25,783
Don't look at me like that.
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00:05:25,817 --> 00:05:28,287
Babe, I told you,
it's a business trip.
150
00:05:28,321 --> 00:05:30,224
All right,
I've got the return pad,
151
00:05:30,258 --> 00:05:32,224
and the time machine is
powering up right now.
152
00:05:32,258 --> 00:05:33,559
We should be leaving any moment.
153
00:05:33,593 --> 00:05:35,559
This thing is awesome.
154
00:05:35,593 --> 00:05:37,726
Stewie, can you believe
Brian built this?
155
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:38,726
Wait, what?
156
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,031
Oh, hey, come on, guys.
157
00:05:41,065 --> 00:05:42,798
"Who built what"
is not a question
158
00:05:42,832 --> 00:05:44,630
on the history
final, right?
159
00:05:44,672 --> 00:05:45,965
Good point, Brian.
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00:05:45,999 --> 00:05:48,301
That's why victory
is always Brian's.
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00:05:48,335 --> 00:05:49,804
You dick!
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00:05:49,838 --> 00:05:52,004
How much of my stuff
have you taken credit for?!
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00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:06,823
Hey, everybody?
164
00:06:06,857 --> 00:06:09,056
Just so you know,
I'm straight.
165
00:06:18,687 --> 00:06:20,485
All right, Chris, I
reviewed your textbook,
166
00:06:20,519 --> 00:06:22,839
and I've programmed a tour of
the various historical events
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00:06:22,857 --> 00:06:24,488
that you'll need to
know for your exam.
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00:06:24,522 --> 00:06:25,826
So, pay close
attention.
169
00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:27,660
First stop--
Washington, D.C.
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00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:29,164
The year is 1803.
171
00:06:29,198 --> 00:06:31,204
Ah, the future.
172
00:06:33,575 --> 00:06:36,040
Now, the man at the podium
is Thomas Jefferson.
173
00:06:36,082 --> 00:06:37,881
And this is a very
important moment.
174
00:06:37,915 --> 00:06:39,377
He's trying
to convince Congress
175
00:06:39,419 --> 00:06:41,217
to approve
the Louisiana Purchase.
176
00:06:41,251 --> 00:06:42,553
Come on, guys!
177
00:06:42,587 --> 00:06:45,551
We're getting Oklahoma,
Arkansas, Nebraska, Kansas,
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00:06:45,585 --> 00:06:48,889
Wyoming, North Dakota,
South Dakota and Louisiana.
179
00:06:48,923 --> 00:06:51,290
What are the chances
all those states suck?
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00:06:58,673 --> 00:07:00,808
This is Paris, 1920.
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00:07:00,842 --> 00:07:02,978
This bar is where famous
American writers,
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00:07:03,012 --> 00:07:04,987
like Ernest Hemingway,
would go for a drink.
183
00:07:05,021 --> 00:07:07,084
Oh, my God,
there he is!
184
00:07:07,118 --> 00:07:09,756
Excuse me, Mr. Hemingway,
can I have a beer with you?
185
00:07:09,790 --> 00:07:10,756
Sure!
186
00:07:10,790 --> 00:07:13,123
I love life
and all the people in it!
187
00:07:13,157 --> 00:07:14,157
Thanks.
188
00:07:14,164 --> 00:07:15,362
And, hey, as a
fellow writer,
189
00:07:15,396 --> 00:07:17,426
I would love to talk
to you about the craft.
190
00:07:17,460 --> 00:07:20,435
I mean, God, if only we could
get rid of these damn arms
191
00:07:20,469 --> 00:07:22,636
and attach the pen directly
to the heart, right?
192
00:07:25,472 --> 00:07:27,145
You guys,
I got his pen!
193
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,623
Now, Chris,
this is Brazil
194
00:07:32,657 --> 00:07:34,497
before the invention
of the soccer ball.
195
00:07:38,904 --> 00:07:40,904
Australia before
the shark-tooth necklace.
196
00:07:45,482 --> 00:07:47,112
And Italy
before pasta.
197
00:07:47,147 --> 00:07:48,448
Ay!
Oh!
198
00:07:48,483 --> 00:07:49,784
Vowel sound!
199
00:07:49,818 --> 00:07:51,984
They were always
a ridiculous people.
200
00:07:52,018 --> 00:07:55,655
Hey, Family Guy, you're lucky
I got a manicotti in the oven,
201
00:07:55,689 --> 00:07:58,487
or I'd bash your face
into a bolognese.
202
00:07:58,529 --> 00:08:00,755
That's two kinds of food.
203
00:08:00,789 --> 00:08:02,994
That's how angry I am.
204
00:08:12,202 --> 00:08:13,265
Oh, my God!
205
00:08:13,299 --> 00:08:14,369
Where are we?!
206
00:08:14,403 --> 00:08:16,872
Omaha Beach, 1944.
207
00:08:16,906 --> 00:08:18,368
This is D-Day.
208
00:08:18,402 --> 00:08:19,873
What's that over there?
209
00:08:19,907 --> 00:08:21,136
Oh, that's
Double D-Day.
210
00:08:21,178 --> 00:08:24,640
♪ She's my cherry pie ♪
211
00:08:24,682 --> 00:08:26,817
♪ Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ♪
212
00:08:26,851 --> 00:08:28,145
♪ Tastes so good... ♪
213
00:08:28,187 --> 00:08:31,153
Nein, nein! No
fire! Ist gut!
214
00:08:31,187 --> 00:08:33,153
Heil hooters!
215
00:08:33,187 --> 00:08:34,489
Be careful.
216
00:08:34,523 --> 00:08:36,490
It could be
a booby trap!
217
00:08:36,524 --> 00:08:39,165
Oh, Otto.
218
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:43,070
Here we are.
219
00:08:43,104 --> 00:08:45,070
Christmas night, 1776.
220
00:08:45,104 --> 00:08:47,069
The father of our nation,
George Washington,
221
00:08:47,103 --> 00:08:49,406
is about to boldly
cross the Delaware.
222
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:50,574
What's on his arms?
223
00:08:50,608 --> 00:08:51,608
Those are water wings.
224
00:08:51,616 --> 00:08:53,047
He was terrified
of the water.
225
00:08:54,753 --> 00:08:56,151
Easy!
226
00:08:59,752 --> 00:09:02,054
All right, Chris,
it's 1798,
227
00:09:02,088 --> 00:09:03,885
and we're in the home
of Jane Austen.
228
00:09:03,927 --> 00:09:05,388
Jane Austen?
229
00:09:05,422 --> 00:09:07,388
I don't think she's
on my history test, Stewie.
230
00:09:07,430 --> 00:09:08,724
Oh, I know--
we're just here
231
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:10,564
to release pent-up
time-travel farts.
232
00:09:10,598 --> 00:09:12,061
Awesome!
Yeah!
233
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:17,404
Aw, yeah!
234
00:09:17,438 --> 00:09:18,731
Give me some of that!
235
00:09:18,773 --> 00:09:20,737
Mmm, the insides
of men!
236
00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:22,734
This is what
fuels me!
237
00:09:23,766 --> 00:09:24,931
Mmm!
238
00:09:29,266 --> 00:09:31,398
Okay, time for some
recent history.
239
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,071
This is the 1990s.
240
00:09:33,105 --> 00:09:37,577
♪ And I'll tell myself
I'm over you... ♪
241
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,577
This is
the entire 1990s?
242
00:09:39,611 --> 00:09:40,814
Yes.
243
00:09:46,182 --> 00:09:47,147
Wait a minute.
244
00:09:47,181 --> 00:09:48,315
Pre-Soviet Russia?
245
00:09:48,349 --> 00:09:49,483
This wasn't
on the manifest.
246
00:09:49,517 --> 00:09:51,251
Yeah, this is kind
of a personal thing.
247
00:09:51,285 --> 00:09:53,756
Hey, Pavlov, you
dog-teasing-dick!
248
00:09:53,791 --> 00:09:55,790
How's this for positive
reinforcement?!
249
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:06,270
All right,
where to next?
250
00:10:06,304 --> 00:10:08,304
I want to kill
more scientists!
251
00:10:13,624 --> 00:10:14,750
All right, Chris,
252
00:10:14,792 --> 00:10:16,921
that was the British
Parliament, 1912.
253
00:10:16,963 --> 00:10:18,259
Next, we...
254
00:10:18,293 --> 00:10:20,795
I say, that looks like a
young Charlie Chaplin.
255
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:28,033
Sir, please, take this money and
use it to pursue your dreams.
256
00:10:28,074 --> 00:10:29,400
Danke.
257
00:10:30,402 --> 00:10:32,703
Stewie, I think
that was a young Hitler.
258
00:10:32,737 --> 00:10:34,374
You just gave money
to Hitler!
259
00:10:34,408 --> 00:10:36,374
Yeah, but before all
the crazy stuff.
260
00:10:36,408 --> 00:10:39,375
All right, Chris, let's discuss
what you've learned so far.
261
00:10:39,417 --> 00:10:41,712
Now, what is your biggest
takeaway from our travels?
262
00:10:41,754 --> 00:10:45,151
That you can't take a good nap
with keys in your pocket.
263
00:10:45,185 --> 00:10:46,486
For God's sake, Chris!
264
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:47,989
You clearly have not
paid attention
265
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,317
to anything we've shown you!
266
00:10:49,359 --> 00:10:51,156
You're absolutely hopeless!
267
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:53,155
Did you ever consider--
the reason you're having trouble
268
00:10:53,189 --> 00:10:54,658
passing ninth grade is
that you're incapable
269
00:10:54,692 --> 00:10:55,993
of anything else?!
270
00:10:56,027 --> 00:10:58,655
That this is the absolute zenith
of your ability?!
271
00:10:58,689 --> 00:11:00,254
Zenith means top.
272
00:11:00,295 --> 00:11:02,260
No, it means TV.
273
00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:03,996
Ha! Now I'm catching fire.
274
00:11:04,030 --> 00:11:05,996
Damn it, Chris, your problem
isn't book learning,
275
00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:07,500
it's that you're a moron!
276
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,668
This whole trip has been
a complete waste of time!
277
00:11:11,534 --> 00:11:12,836
Screw you, Stewie.
278
00:11:12,870 --> 00:11:14,340
You're a jerk!
279
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:18,005
And I'm gonna win that bowling
tournament, with or without you!
280
00:11:20,710 --> 00:11:22,347
What is he... what?
281
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:24,640
He-he doesn't even know what
we're preparing him for!
282
00:11:27,678 --> 00:11:28,812
Chris?
283
00:11:28,845 --> 00:11:30,042
Chris, come back!
284
00:11:30,077 --> 00:11:31,378
Well, we've looked
all over London.
285
00:11:31,412 --> 00:11:32,881
He's nowhere.
286
00:11:32,915 --> 00:11:35,049
I don't know what the
hell we're going to do.
287
00:11:35,083 --> 00:11:36,083
Hey, Stewie!
288
00:11:38,079 --> 00:11:41,413
If I'm such a moron, then how
did I get on a fancy boat?!
289
00:11:45,759 --> 00:11:48,692
See you later, douche bags!
290
00:11:48,727 --> 00:11:49,924
Oh, crap!
291
00:11:49,958 --> 00:11:51,092
Chris is
on the Titanic?!
292
00:11:51,126 --> 00:11:52,428
No, no, it's
okay, Brian.
293
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:55,029
We'll just go back in time
to before Chris ran off.
294
00:11:55,063 --> 00:11:58,164
Oh, and I took
your fancy smoke detector!
295
00:11:59,198 --> 00:12:00,668
My God, he's got
the return pad!
296
00:12:00,702 --> 00:12:02,437
Brian, we've got to
get on that ship!
297
00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:04,269
Attention, passengers.
298
00:12:04,311 --> 00:12:07,445
The karaoke contest
will begin in five minutes.
299
00:12:07,479 --> 00:12:10,307
Okay, now we've really
got to get on that ship.
300
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,073
Brian, we have
to get on that ship!
301
00:12:18,107 --> 00:12:19,904
It's our only hope
to save Chris.
302
00:12:19,938 --> 00:12:21,408
There! Jump onto
that mooring rope.
303
00:12:21,442 --> 00:12:23,674
We can use it
to pull ourselves up.
304
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:35,256
Oh, thank God, I wasn't
sure we were gonna make it.
305
00:12:35,290 --> 00:12:36,256
I wasn't worried.
306
00:12:36,290 --> 00:12:37,591
I've faced bigger
challenges.
307
00:12:37,625 --> 00:12:40,294
Like trying to dress
Jonah Hill for the Oscars.
308
00:12:41,663 --> 00:12:42,787
Okay, okay, perfect.
309
00:12:42,829 --> 00:12:44,827
Tell him to stay
exactly that weight.
310
00:12:46,828 --> 00:12:47,793
Yes?
311
00:12:47,827 --> 00:12:49,225
Damn it!
312
00:13:16,157 --> 00:13:18,122
Oh, my God, Brian.
313
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,625
This ship, it's...
it's unbelievable.
314
00:13:20,659 --> 00:13:22,664
It's even more magnificent
than I imagined.
315
00:13:23,665 --> 00:13:24,796
That, Brian.
316
00:13:24,830 --> 00:13:25,963
That.
317
00:13:25,997 --> 00:13:27,427
That's what I was
telling you about.
318
00:13:27,461 --> 00:13:28,699
That's brocade.
319
00:13:28,733 --> 00:13:30,963
Come on, Stewie, we got
to find Chris and the return pad
320
00:13:30,997 --> 00:13:31,963
before it's too late.
321
00:13:31,997 --> 00:13:33,130
All right,
let's split up.
322
00:13:33,164 --> 00:13:34,466
I'll go search
in first class,
323
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:35,633
you go down
to steerage
324
00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:37,800
and wade through the
gross Irish and Italians.
325
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:40,269
That's two.
326
00:13:40,303 --> 00:13:43,569
Ugh, God knows what
I'm gonna find in steerage.
327
00:13:43,603 --> 00:13:47,566
Bunch of drunk, fat,
pie-faced Irish fools.
328
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,802
Excuse me, have any of you seen
a blond teenage boy?
329
00:13:50,836 --> 00:13:52,537
Who's asking?
330
00:13:52,571 --> 00:13:54,031
Yeah, who the hell are you?
331
00:13:54,073 --> 00:13:55,798
And I'm the baby!
332
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,837
Chris?
333
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,480
What the hell?
334
00:14:05,514 --> 00:14:07,154
Stewie,
what are you doing?
335
00:14:07,188 --> 00:14:09,153
Uh, dining at the
captain's table.
336
00:14:09,187 --> 00:14:11,318
Everyone at this table
was the first person
337
00:14:11,352 --> 00:14:12,654
to refrigerate
something.
338
00:14:12,687 --> 00:14:14,485
I refrigerated shoes.
339
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:17,054
Because everybody
likes a cool toe.
340
00:14:17,088 --> 00:14:19,724
Also, I gave the string
quartet the sheet music
341
00:14:19,758 --> 00:14:21,396
for "Highway to
the Danger Zone".
342
00:14:21,430 --> 00:14:23,891
You have the sheet music for
"Highway to the Danger Zone"?
343
00:14:23,933 --> 00:14:25,059
Uh, yeah.
344
00:14:25,093 --> 00:14:27,065
What do you think I
keep in this backpack?
345
00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:28,393
It's all PowerBars
and sheet music.
346
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,064
Stewie, you're supposed
to be looking for Chris.
347
00:14:30,098 --> 00:14:31,894
I did-- he wasn't
in the Turkish bath,
348
00:14:31,936 --> 00:14:34,669
the veranda café or the
Bloody Handkerchief Ball.
349
00:14:36,839 --> 00:14:38,302
Oh, dear.
350
00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:40,972
Relax, Brian, I think
I see Chris right now.
351
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,139
Really? Where?
352
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:43,969
I'm gonna go ahead
and bet he's the guy
353
00:14:44,003 --> 00:14:45,608
with the whole chicken
stuck on his head.
354
00:14:47,641 --> 00:14:48,943
Hey, you're not Chris.
355
00:14:48,977 --> 00:14:51,441
Pardon me,
that's my hat!
356
00:14:53,316 --> 00:14:55,788
I know this thing's gonna sink,
but I'm having a good time.
357
00:14:56,822 --> 00:14:57,852
Stewie, look!
358
00:15:00,461 --> 00:15:01,754
Chris, there you are!
359
00:15:01,788 --> 00:15:03,425
Well, well, well.
360
00:15:03,459 --> 00:15:06,096
If it isn't Booger Breath
and the Mushroom Tip.
361
00:15:06,130 --> 00:15:08,264
Wh-Which one
of us is which?
362
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:10,263
Chris, we have got
to get off this boat.
363
00:15:10,297 --> 00:15:12,400
The Titanic was one of the
biggest disasters in history.
364
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:13,600
Well, if you're
so worried,
365
00:15:13,634 --> 00:15:15,535
why don't you alert
the crew and save everyone?
366
00:15:15,569 --> 00:15:17,703
Because, Chris,
we can't alter the past.
367
00:15:17,737 --> 00:15:19,206
That's the first rule of...
368
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,206
of, uh... uh, dreaming.
369
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,807
Besides, saving
this ship would mean
370
00:15:22,841 --> 00:15:24,112
talking to, like, 80 people,
371
00:15:24,146 --> 00:15:26,449
and I-I'm just not
in that kind of mood right now.
372
00:15:26,483 --> 00:15:28,281
Look, Chris, just give
us that thing you took
373
00:15:28,315 --> 00:15:29,650
so we can
all get home.
374
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:44,470
Quick, Chris,
Stewie, get on!
375
00:15:44,504 --> 00:15:46,142
To home!
376
00:15:46,176 --> 00:15:48,510
Or I'll just put in
the coordinates.
377
00:16:02,296 --> 00:16:03,262
Damn!
378
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,296
The return pad!
379
00:16:04,303 --> 00:16:05,303
It's been destroyed!
380
00:16:05,303 --> 00:16:06,428
What?!
381
00:16:06,470 --> 00:16:07,763
The whole thing's been
waterlogged!
382
00:16:07,797 --> 00:16:09,930
I'll need to dry it out
and completely rewire it.
383
00:16:09,972 --> 00:16:11,831
This would make
a great movie.
384
00:16:11,865 --> 00:16:13,997
And the parts I need
to fix the return pad
385
00:16:14,031 --> 00:16:15,269
certainly aren't
on this ship.
386
00:16:15,303 --> 00:16:17,100
We have to somehow
get to dry land.
387
00:16:17,134 --> 00:16:18,267
Dry land?!
388
00:16:18,301 --> 00:16:20,265
Stewie, almost everyone
on the Titanic died!
389
00:16:20,307 --> 00:16:21,432
All right,
calm down, Brian.
390
00:16:21,474 --> 00:16:23,438
No-- there's so much
I haven't done.
391
00:16:23,472 --> 00:16:25,068
I've never even
successfully made love
392
00:16:25,102 --> 00:16:26,435
to a woman in
the shower.
393
00:16:26,469 --> 00:16:27,635
Aah, my back!
394
00:16:27,669 --> 00:16:29,804
Should I put my
foot in the soap dish?
395
00:16:29,838 --> 00:16:32,476
Yeah, try that, and maybe
stand on your tippy-toes.
396
00:16:32,510 --> 00:16:35,210
Aah, how does water
make it dry?!
397
00:16:42,449 --> 00:16:43,583
This isn't gonna work.
398
00:16:43,617 --> 00:16:44,920
Brian, this is
our only hope.
399
00:16:44,955 --> 00:16:46,251
The majority
of people
400
00:16:46,293 --> 00:16:48,587
who got on those lifeboats
were women of noble birth.
401
00:16:48,629 --> 00:16:50,426
Now, I've given
us all backstories.
402
00:16:50,460 --> 00:16:52,592
I am Lady Antonia
Tyler Carrington,
403
00:16:52,626 --> 00:16:54,928
the Duchess of Lancashire, the
heir to the Earl of Portsmouth,
404
00:16:54,962 --> 00:16:56,591
and the cousin
of the Countess of Wessex.
405
00:16:56,633 --> 00:16:57,830
Okay, great. And who are we?
406
00:16:57,864 --> 00:16:59,693
I don't know,
you're just two sluts with me.
407
00:16:59,735 --> 00:17:00,861
Hey, there's a lifeboat.
408
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,197
Uh, yeah,
but it's got one
409
00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:04,639
of those funny Southwest
lifeboat attendants.
410
00:17:04,673 --> 00:17:05,968
Hey,
here's a reminder--
411
00:17:06,010 --> 00:17:07,137
as you exit the boat,
412
00:17:07,178 --> 00:17:08,808
don't forget to give us
your extra snacks
413
00:17:08,842 --> 00:17:11,438
because as you know,
we work for peanuts!
414
00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:14,445
That's refreshing.
415
00:17:14,479 --> 00:17:16,382
Most of those guys
are all serious.
416
00:17:26,297 --> 00:17:27,255
There, that one!
417
00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:28,792
It's our last chance.
418
00:17:33,439 --> 00:17:35,072
Hey, they learned it!
419
00:17:35,114 --> 00:17:36,577
What a bunch of pros.
420
00:17:38,451 --> 00:17:39,746
Hello there, sir.
421
00:17:39,788 --> 00:17:42,083
We are three noblewomen
in distress...
422
00:17:42,125 --> 00:17:43,522
Sorry, boat's full.
423
00:17:43,556 --> 00:17:46,690
Um, what if one of us were
to turn this big ship
424
00:17:46,724 --> 00:17:48,193
into a "tug" boat?
425
00:17:48,227 --> 00:17:49,362
Wink, wink.
426
00:17:49,396 --> 00:17:50,530
Wouldn't help you.
427
00:17:50,564 --> 00:17:52,026
You're the fourth person
to offer that,
428
00:17:52,060 --> 00:17:54,066
and I'm kind of spent.
429
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:56,833
I don't believe this.
430
00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,103
Dear God,
we're stuck here.
431
00:17:59,137 --> 00:18:00,831
We're going to drown
on the Titanic.
432
00:18:00,873 --> 00:18:02,869
Oh, no, we're not.
433
00:18:04,732 --> 00:18:06,999
Hey! I said
you can't come on here.
434
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:09,196
Get out of my way,
you son of a bitch!
435
00:18:14,437 --> 00:18:15,743
Oh, no!
436
00:18:15,777 --> 00:18:17,944
I can't swim without
my striped one-piece!
437
00:18:19,418 --> 00:18:21,384
Everyone move over.
438
00:18:21,418 --> 00:18:22,712
We're getting on this boat.
439
00:18:27,386 --> 00:18:29,520
Please take my baby!
440
00:18:29,562 --> 00:18:31,857
Yeah, I'm sorry,
if I take your baby,
441
00:18:31,891 --> 00:18:33,729
I'm gonna have
to take everyone's baby.
442
00:18:34,995 --> 00:18:36,465
Can you believe
that woman?
443
00:18:36,499 --> 00:18:39,292
Putting me on the spot
in front of everyone.
444
00:18:49,035 --> 00:18:51,671
To home!
445
00:18:51,705 --> 00:18:53,238
You see what
you started?
446
00:18:55,239 --> 00:18:56,541
Wow, Chris.
447
00:18:56,575 --> 00:18:58,205
You just saved
our lives.
448
00:18:58,239 --> 00:18:59,573
Thank you.
449
00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:01,413
Oh, it was
nothing, Brian.
450
00:19:01,447 --> 00:19:02,748
Listen, Chris,
I, um...
451
00:19:02,782 --> 00:19:04,316
I think I owe
you an apology.
452
00:19:04,350 --> 00:19:07,316
I'm not someone
who often makes mistakes,
453
00:19:07,350 --> 00:19:10,483
but, well, I was wrong earlier
when I called you a moron.
454
00:19:10,518 --> 00:19:12,156
No, you were right.
455
00:19:12,190 --> 00:19:14,727
You're the smart one in the
family, and I'm the dumb one.
456
00:19:14,761 --> 00:19:16,391
Oh, you're being too
hard on yourself.
457
00:19:16,433 --> 00:19:19,894
Look, you may not be
"book smart" or "history smart,"
458
00:19:19,936 --> 00:19:22,564
but you're "throw people
off the boat" smart.
459
00:19:22,598 --> 00:19:24,332
And, frankly,
I'm starting to think
460
00:19:24,366 --> 00:19:26,171
that's the best kind to be.
461
00:19:26,205 --> 00:19:28,034
Thanks, Stewie.
462
00:19:34,606 --> 00:19:37,199
Well, looks like
one ship was saved today--
463
00:19:37,233 --> 00:19:39,229
a relation-ship.
464
00:20:00,034 --> 00:20:01,831
Oh, thank God,
we're back.
465
00:20:01,873 --> 00:20:03,838
Wow, what an
adventure!
466
00:20:03,872 --> 00:20:05,007
Thanks, Dream Brian.
467
00:20:05,041 --> 00:20:06,375
Thanks, Dream Stewie.
468
00:20:08,713 --> 00:20:10,007
Brian, Stewie!
469
00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:12,344
I just had the most
amazing dream.
470
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:15,215
I was on a famous boat
called the Gigantic.
471
00:20:16,385 --> 00:20:18,249
Yeah, he's gonna fail
that test tomorrow.
472
00:20:18,291 --> 00:20:19,923
Well, we gave it our
best shot, Stewie.
473
00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:22,124
It was still a nice thing
you did for your brother.
474
00:20:22,158 --> 00:20:23,293
I suppose.
475
00:20:23,327 --> 00:20:25,292
I just hope that Chris
killing one extra man
476
00:20:25,334 --> 00:20:27,698
on the Titanic didn't alter
anything in the present.
477
00:20:32,897 --> 00:20:34,200
There he is.
478
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:36,105
"Nigel Harpington."
479
00:20:36,139 --> 00:20:37,770
Wait, "Harpington"?
480
00:20:37,812 --> 00:20:39,778
Isn't that the name of
Chris' history teacher?
481
00:20:39,812 --> 00:20:41,106
Yes, I think
you're right.
482
00:20:41,148 --> 00:20:42,442
That must be
his ancestor.
483
00:20:42,476 --> 00:20:45,479
Which means that Chris'
history teacher was never born.
484
00:20:45,513 --> 00:20:47,476
Hey, everybody,
I'm Teacher Doug,
485
00:20:47,510 --> 00:20:49,108
and I don't believe
in tests.
486
00:20:49,150 --> 00:20:51,116
Yay!
487
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:57,650
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man