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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 13x07 ♪
Stewie, Chris & Brian's Excellent Adventure
Original Air Date on
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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ANNOUNCER:
You are watching Amazon Prime,
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the network that brought you
your sunscreen in two days.
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00:00:38,148 --> 00:00:41,845
Amazon Prime-- like
the eighth best way to watch TV.
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00:00:41,879 --> 00:00:44,176
Hi, Chris, how was school?
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00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:46,476
Wait, what's that note
pinned to your backpack?
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00:00:46,510 --> 00:00:48,144
Bet it's from a girl
in the lunchroom
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00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:50,141
who wants a taste of corn dog.
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00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,804
Was that a sex joke?
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It's...
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I don't know, shut up.
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00:00:54,242 --> 00:00:56,900
Oh, dear, it's from
Principal Shepherd.
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00:00:56,942 --> 00:00:59,436
Peter, he wants to see us
first thing tomorrow.
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00:00:59,478 --> 00:01:01,046
Oh, Chris is in trouble.
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00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,381
Sounds like he needs a
little fatherly wisdom.
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Better get my pipe.
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00:01:05,044 --> 00:01:07,006
Peter, I think that's
the wrong kind of pipe.
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I'm sorry, Mom.
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I haven't been doing
too great in school lately.
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00:01:10,381 --> 00:01:12,008
Well, that's
very disappointing.
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I guess your father and I will
have to talk to the principal
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00:01:14,711 --> 00:01:16,169
and figure out
how to handle this.
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00:01:16,203 --> 00:01:17,336
Ah, I wouldn't worry, Lois.
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00:01:17,370 --> 00:01:19,007
I never did very well
in school either.
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I even failed homeroom.
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Peter Griffin?
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There.
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Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
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Chris seems to be
struggling in his classes,
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00:01:30,878 --> 00:01:33,170
and often when kids
have trouble in school,
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it's because something
is going on at home.
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I haven't been attracted to Lois
for a year and a half.
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Principal Shepherd, exactly
how poorly is Chris doing?
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Well, right now,
he has a D-minus average.
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00:01:44,074 --> 00:01:46,206
His only hope is
his history final tomorrow.
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If he fails that,
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I'm afraid he'll have
to repeat ninth grade.
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00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:52,511
This... seems more
like a phone call.
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00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:53,670
Oh, my God.
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00:01:53,712 --> 00:01:55,677
I-I always knew Chris wasn't
a great student,
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00:01:55,711 --> 00:01:58,505
but I had no idea
the situation was so dire.
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Don't worry, I'll make
sure Chris passes history.
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00:02:00,472 --> 00:02:01,941
You can count on me.
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00:02:01,975 --> 00:02:05,475
The same way NASA counted on me
during the Apollo 13 crisis.
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00:02:05,509 --> 00:02:06,976
All right, I'm gonna
need three coffins--
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00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:08,311
mahogany with
brass handles--
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00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:10,140
three new daddies for the
dead astronauts' kids,
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00:02:10,174 --> 00:02:11,475
and a black suit for me.
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Sir, I think I know a way
we can get them back.
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Is it hard?
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It might be.
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Yeah, we-we've kind
of already decided
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we're going in this direction.
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All right, Chris,
you got a lot riding
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on this history exam tomorrow.
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I know.
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Sam Cooke didn't
know much about history,
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and he got shot in a hotel
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wearing nothing
but a sports coat and a shoe.
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Yeah, that's hilarious, Chris,
but we've got to buckle down.
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00:02:35,712 --> 00:02:38,181
Now, I'm gonna help you study
by nailing your door shut.
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That way, you'll have no
choice but to hit the books.
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(hammering)
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(cell phone buzzes) Oh, crap, I left
my phone in there.
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(jiggles handle) Damn
it, it's nailed shut.
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(cell phone beeps) Dad, it looks like
some girl sent you
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a picture of her privates.
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Oh, crap! Lois!
I don't have the phone!
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(cell phone beeps twice)
Stop sending pictures!
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LOIS:
I already sent four more!
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(cell phone beeps four times)
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Chris, put down the phone!
Don't look at those!
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Wait a minute,
that's both her hands!
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Who the hell is
taking the pictures?!
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All right, give me that
phone and get back to work.
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And before you
judge your mother--
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you did most of that damage.
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(sighing):
Oh.
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Hey, Chris.
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Just wanted to see
how the studying's going.
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You guys, I've been
at this all night,
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and I haven't learned a thing.
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There's no way I'm gonna pass
Mr. Harpington's history test.
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00:03:23,951 --> 00:03:25,085
Oh, come on, Chris.
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I'm sure that's
just the nerves talking.
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Here, I'll quiz you.
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00:03:28,118 --> 00:03:31,419
Who said, "We have nothing
to fear but fear itself"?
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00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:32,586
Scooby-Doo?
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00:03:32,628 --> 00:03:33,754
No.
Shaggy?
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00:03:33,796 --> 00:03:35,258
It's nobody on Scooby-Doo.
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00:03:35,292 --> 00:03:36,761
Wow, Chris, you, uh...
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00:03:36,795 --> 00:03:37,995
you really don't know history.
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00:03:39,361 --> 00:03:41,662
And if I fail ninth grade,
I won't amount to anything.
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00:03:41,696 --> 00:03:43,660
I'll end up being
one of those bus drivers
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00:03:43,694 --> 00:03:45,932
that parents don't
completely trust.
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00:03:48,301 --> 00:03:50,635
You have a beautiful
child, Mrs. Roberts.
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00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:55,239
God, poor Chris.
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He's studying as hard as he can,
but it doesn't seem to matter.
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Well, we got to do something.
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If he doesn't pass this
test, he's gonna have to...
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00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,181
Hey.
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00:04:02,215 --> 00:04:03,684
...he's gonna have to
repeat ninth grade.
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00:04:03,718 --> 00:04:05,547
Well, there's not much
we can do about it.
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00:04:05,581 --> 00:04:07,501
Some people just aren't able
to learn from books.
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00:04:07,517 --> 00:04:10,214
Well, maybe he
doesn't have to.
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What do you mean?
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00:04:11,286 --> 00:04:12,411
Maybe there's a way
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00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:14,249
to actually show
Chris history...
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00:04:14,283 --> 00:04:15,584
with my time machine.
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00:04:15,618 --> 00:04:17,245
You know, that's really
nice of you, Stewie.
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00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:18,412
Well, he's my brother.
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00:04:18,446 --> 00:04:19,747
We've got to stick together.
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00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:22,217
Like that two-headed
girl on TLC.
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00:04:22,252 --> 00:04:25,481
Okay, who wants to taste it,
and who wants to smell it?
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00:04:34,042 --> 00:04:35,648
All right, we'll just
tell Chris he's dreaming,
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00:04:35,682 --> 00:04:37,911
because I don't want him
to know about my time machine.
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00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:38,911
Why not?
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00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,350
Eh, it's like having
a pickup truck.
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00:04:40,384 --> 00:04:42,485
Once people know you got one,
there go your weekends.
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00:04:42,519 --> 00:04:43,484
Chris?
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00:04:43,518 --> 00:04:44,484
Can you hear me?
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00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:45,483
Huh?
133
00:04:45,517 --> 00:04:46,483
You're dreaming.
134
00:04:46,517 --> 00:04:48,156
I'm dreaming?
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00:04:48,190 --> 00:04:50,189
Yay! No consequences!
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00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:52,493
(screams)
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00:04:52,527 --> 00:04:53,989
So lifelike!
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00:04:54,031 --> 00:04:56,891
(sighs) All right, let's go back
six minutes and try this again.
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00:04:56,933 --> 00:04:59,824
Chris, you're dreaming
with consequences.
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00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:00,832
What?
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00:05:00,866 --> 00:05:02,000
That's right.
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00:05:02,034 --> 00:05:04,000
We're gonna take you on
a special dream trip
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00:05:04,034 --> 00:05:06,000
to help you pass
your history test.
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00:05:06,034 --> 00:05:07,000
You are?
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00:05:07,034 --> 00:05:08,838
Yes, and there's
so much to learn.
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00:05:08,872 --> 00:05:10,006
For example, did you know
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00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,574
that Jesus didn't really
die on the cross?
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00:05:12,608 --> 00:05:14,406
So, what was the
cause of death?
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00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,077
Cocaine and severe trauma
to the colon.
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00:05:17,111 --> 00:05:19,444
Yeah, I'm gonna need
to see those forms.
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00:05:23,981 --> 00:05:25,283
Don't look at me like that.
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00:05:25,317 --> 00:05:27,787
Babe, I told you,
it's a business trip.
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00:05:27,821 --> 00:05:29,724
All right,
I've got the return pad,
154
00:05:29,758 --> 00:05:31,724
and the time machine is
powering up right now.
155
00:05:31,758 --> 00:05:33,059
We should be leaving any moment.
156
00:05:33,093 --> 00:05:35,059
This thing is awesome.
157
00:05:35,093 --> 00:05:37,226
Stewie, can you believe
Brian built this?
158
00:05:37,260 --> 00:05:38,226
Wait, what?
159
00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:40,531
(chuckling):
Oh, hey, come on, guys.
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"Who built what"
is not a question
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on the history final, right?
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00:05:44,172 --> 00:05:45,465
Good point, Brian.
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00:05:45,499 --> 00:05:47,801
That's why victory
is always Brian's.
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You dick!
165
00:05:49,338 --> 00:05:51,504
How much of my stuff
have you taken credit for?!
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00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:06,323
Hey, everybody?
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00:06:06,357 --> 00:06:08,556
Just so you know,
I'm straight.
168
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All right, Chris, I
reviewed your textbook,
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00:06:20,019 --> 00:06:22,339
and I've programmed a tour of
the various historical events
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00:06:22,357 --> 00:06:23,988
that you'll need to
know for your exam.
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00:06:24,022 --> 00:06:25,326
So, pay close attention.
172
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,160
First stop--
Washington, D.C.
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00:06:27,201 --> 00:06:28,664
The year is 1803.
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00:06:28,698 --> 00:06:30,704
Ah, the future.
175
00:06:33,075 --> 00:06:35,540
Now, the man at the podium
is Thomas Jefferson.
176
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And this is a very
important moment.
177
00:06:37,415 --> 00:06:38,877
He's trying
to convince Congress
178
00:06:38,919 --> 00:06:40,717
to approve
the Louisiana Purchase.
179
00:06:40,751 --> 00:06:42,053
Come on, guys!
180
00:06:42,087 --> 00:06:45,051
We're getting Oklahoma,
Arkansas, Nebraska, Kansas,
181
00:06:45,085 --> 00:06:48,389
Wyoming, North Dakota,
South Dakota and Louisiana.
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00:06:48,423 --> 00:06:50,790
What are the chances
all those states suck?
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00:06:58,173 --> 00:07:00,308
STEWIE:
This is Paris, 1920.
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00:07:00,342 --> 00:07:02,478
This bar is where famous
American writers,
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00:07:02,512 --> 00:07:04,487
like Ernest Hemingway,
would go for a drink.
186
00:07:04,521 --> 00:07:06,584
Oh, my God, there he is!
187
00:07:06,618 --> 00:07:09,256
Excuse me, Mr. Hemingway,
can I have a beer with you?
188
00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:10,256
Sure!
189
00:07:10,290 --> 00:07:12,623
I love life
and all the people in it!
190
00:07:12,657 --> 00:07:13,657
Thanks.
191
00:07:13,664 --> 00:07:14,862
And, hey, as a fellow writer,
192
00:07:14,896 --> 00:07:16,926
I would love to talk
to you about the craft.
193
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,935
I mean, God, if only we could
get rid of these damn arms
194
00:07:19,969 --> 00:07:22,136
and attach the pen directly
to the heart, right?
195
00:07:24,972 --> 00:07:26,645
You guys, I got his pen!
196
00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:32,123
Now, Chris, this is Brazil
197
00:07:32,157 --> 00:07:33,997
before the invention
of the soccer ball.
198
00:07:38,404 --> 00:07:40,404
Australia before
the shark-tooth necklace.
199
00:07:44,982 --> 00:07:46,612
And Italy before pasta.
200
00:07:46,647 --> 00:07:47,948
Ay!
Oh!
201
00:07:47,983 --> 00:07:49,284
Vowel sound!
202
00:07:49,318 --> 00:07:51,484
They were always
a ridiculous people.
203
00:07:51,518 --> 00:07:55,155
Hey, Family Guy, you're lucky
I got a manicotti in the oven,
204
00:07:55,189 --> 00:07:57,987
or I'd bash your face
into a bolognese.
205
00:07:58,029 --> 00:08:00,255
That's two kinds of food.
206
00:08:00,289 --> 00:08:02,494
That's how angry I am.
207
00:08:09,694 --> 00:08:11,668
(screams)
208
00:08:11,702 --> 00:08:12,765
CHRIS:
Oh, my God!
209
00:08:12,799 --> 00:08:13,869
Where are we?!
210
00:08:13,903 --> 00:08:16,372
Omaha Beach, 1944.
211
00:08:16,406 --> 00:08:17,868
This is D-Day.
212
00:08:17,902 --> 00:08:19,373
What's that over there?
213
00:08:19,407 --> 00:08:20,636
Oh, that's
Double D-Day.
214
00:08:20,678 --> 00:08:24,140
♪ She's my cherry pie ♪
215
00:08:24,182 --> 00:08:26,317
♪ Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ♪
216
00:08:26,351 --> 00:08:27,645
♪ Tastes so good... ♪
217
00:08:27,687 --> 00:08:30,653
Nein, nein! No
fire! Ist gut!
218
00:08:30,687 --> 00:08:32,653
Heil hooters!
219
00:08:32,687 --> 00:08:33,989
Be careful.
220
00:08:34,023 --> 00:08:35,990
It could be a booby trap!
221
00:08:36,024 --> 00:08:38,665
(laughing):
Oh, Otto.
222
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:42,570
Here we are.
223
00:08:42,604 --> 00:08:44,570
Christmas night, 1776.
224
00:08:44,604 --> 00:08:46,569
The father of our nation,
George Washington,
225
00:08:46,603 --> 00:08:48,906
is about to boldly
cross the Delaware.
226
00:08:48,940 --> 00:08:50,074
What's on his arms?
227
00:08:50,108 --> 00:08:51,108
Those are water wings.
228
00:08:51,116 --> 00:08:52,547
He was terrified of the water.
229
00:08:54,253 --> 00:08:55,651
Easy!
230
00:08:59,252 --> 00:09:01,554
All right, Chris, it's 1798,
231
00:09:01,588 --> 00:09:03,385
and we're in the home
of Jane Austen.
232
00:09:03,427 --> 00:09:04,888
Jane Austen?
233
00:09:04,922 --> 00:09:06,888
I don't think she's
on my history test, Stewie.
234
00:09:06,930 --> 00:09:08,224
Oh, I know--
we're just here
235
00:09:08,258 --> 00:09:10,064
to release pent-up
time-travel farts.
236
00:09:10,098 --> 00:09:11,561
Awesome!
Yeah!
237
00:09:11,595 --> 00:09:13,569
(farting)
238
00:09:13,603 --> 00:09:15,064
(sniffing)
239
00:09:15,098 --> 00:09:16,904
Aw, yeah!
240
00:09:16,938 --> 00:09:18,231
Give me some of that!
241
00:09:18,273 --> 00:09:20,237
Mmm, the insides of men!
242
00:09:20,270 --> 00:09:22,234
This is what fuels me!
243
00:09:22,267 --> 00:09:23,233
(sniffing)
244
00:09:23,266 --> 00:09:24,431
Mmm!
245
00:09:28,766 --> 00:09:30,898
Okay, time for some
recent history.
246
00:09:30,940 --> 00:09:32,571
This is the 1990s.
247
00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:37,077
♪ And I'll tell myself
I'm over you... ♪
248
00:09:37,111 --> 00:09:39,077
This is the entire 1990s?
249
00:09:39,111 --> 00:09:40,314
Yes.
250
00:09:45,682 --> 00:09:46,647
Wait a minute.
251
00:09:46,681 --> 00:09:47,815
Pre-Soviet Russia?
252
00:09:47,849 --> 00:09:48,983
This wasn't on the manifest.
253
00:09:49,017 --> 00:09:50,751
Yeah, this is kind
of a personal thing.
254
00:09:50,785 --> 00:09:53,256
Hey, Pavlov, you
dog-teasing-dick!
255
00:09:53,291 --> 00:09:55,290
How's this for positive
reinforcement?!
256
00:10:04,138 --> 00:10:05,770
All right, where to next?
257
00:10:05,804 --> 00:10:07,804
I want to kill
more scientists!
258
00:10:13,124 --> 00:10:14,250
All right, Chris,
259
00:10:14,292 --> 00:10:16,421
that was the British
Parliament, 1912.
260
00:10:16,463 --> 00:10:17,759
Next, we...
261
00:10:17,793 --> 00:10:20,295
I say, that looks like a
young Charlie Chaplin.
262
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,533
Sir, please, take this money and
use it to pursue your dreams.
263
00:10:27,574 --> 00:10:28,900
Danke.
264
00:10:29,902 --> 00:10:32,203
Stewie, I think
that was a young Hitler.
265
00:10:32,237 --> 00:10:33,874
You just gave money to Hitler!
266
00:10:33,908 --> 00:10:35,874
Yeah, but before all
the crazy stuff.
267
00:10:35,908 --> 00:10:38,875
All right, Chris, let's discuss
what you've learned so far.
268
00:10:38,917 --> 00:10:41,212
Now, what is your biggest
takeaway from our travels?
269
00:10:41,254 --> 00:10:44,651
That you can't take a good nap
with keys in your pocket.
270
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:45,986
For God's sake, Chris!
271
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,489
You clearly have not
paid attention
272
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:48,817
to anything we've shown you!
273
00:10:48,859 --> 00:10:50,656
You're absolutely hopeless!
274
00:10:50,690 --> 00:10:52,655
Did you ever consider--
the reason you're having trouble
275
00:10:52,689 --> 00:10:54,158
passing ninth grade is
that you're incapable
276
00:10:54,192 --> 00:10:55,493
of anything else?!
277
00:10:55,527 --> 00:10:58,155
That this is the absolute zenith
of your ability?!
278
00:10:58,189 --> 00:10:59,754
Zenith means top.
279
00:10:59,795 --> 00:11:01,760
No, it means TV.
280
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,496
Ha! Now I'm catching fire.
281
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,496
Damn it, Chris, your problem
isn't book learning,
282
00:11:05,530 --> 00:11:07,000
it's that you're a moron!
283
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,168
This whole trip has been
a complete waste of time!
284
00:11:11,034 --> 00:11:12,336
Screw you, Stewie.
285
00:11:12,370 --> 00:11:13,840
You're a jerk!
286
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:17,505
And I'm gonna win that bowling
tournament, with or without you!
287
00:11:17,547 --> 00:11:20,176
(sobs)
288
00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:21,847
What is he... what?
289
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:24,140
He-he doesn't even know what
we're preparing him for!
290
00:11:27,178 --> 00:11:28,312
STEWIE:
Chris?
291
00:11:28,345 --> 00:11:29,542
Chris, come back!
292
00:11:29,577 --> 00:11:30,878
Well, we've looked
all over London.
293
00:11:30,912 --> 00:11:32,381
He's nowhere.
294
00:11:32,415 --> 00:11:34,549
I don't know what the
hell we're going to do.
295
00:11:34,583 --> 00:11:35,583
CHRIS:
Hey, Stewie!
296
00:11:37,579 --> 00:11:40,913
If I'm such a moron, then how
did I get on a fancy boat?!
297
00:11:43,252 --> 00:11:45,217
(horn bellows)
298
00:11:45,259 --> 00:11:48,192
See you later, douche bags!
299
00:11:48,227 --> 00:11:49,424
Oh, crap!
300
00:11:49,458 --> 00:11:50,592
Chris is on the Titanic?!
301
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:51,928
No, no, it's okay, Brian.
302
00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:54,529
We'll just go back in time
to before Chris ran off.
303
00:11:54,563 --> 00:11:57,664
Oh, and I took
your fancy smoke detector!
304
00:11:57,698 --> 00:11:58,664
(gasps)
305
00:11:58,698 --> 00:12:00,168
My God, he's got
the return pad!
306
00:12:00,202 --> 00:12:01,937
Brian, we've got to
get on that ship!
307
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,769
PURSER:
Attention, passengers.
308
00:12:03,811 --> 00:12:06,945
The karaoke contest
will begin in five minutes.
309
00:12:06,979 --> 00:12:09,807
Okay, now we've really
got to get on that ship.
310
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,573
Brian, we have
to get on that ship!
311
00:12:17,607 --> 00:12:19,404
It's our only hope
to save Chris.
312
00:12:19,438 --> 00:12:20,908
There! Jump onto
that mooring rope.
313
00:12:20,942 --> 00:12:23,174
We can use it
to pull ourselves up.
314
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:34,756
Oh, thank God, I wasn't
sure we were gonna make it.
315
00:12:34,790 --> 00:12:35,756
I wasn't worried.
316
00:12:35,790 --> 00:12:37,091
I've faced bigger challenges.
317
00:12:37,125 --> 00:12:39,794
Like trying to dress
Jonah Hill for the Oscars.
318
00:12:41,163 --> 00:12:42,287
Okay, okay, perfect.
319
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,327
Tell him to stay
exactly that weight.
320
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:46,294
(cell phone rings)
321
00:12:46,328 --> 00:12:47,293
Yes?
322
00:12:47,327 --> 00:12:48,725
(sighs) Damn it!
323
00:13:15,657 --> 00:13:17,622
Oh, my God, Brian.
324
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:20,125
This ship, it's...
it's unbelievable.
325
00:13:20,159 --> 00:13:22,164
It's even more magnificent
than I imagined.
326
00:13:23,165 --> 00:13:24,296
That, Brian.
327
00:13:24,330 --> 00:13:25,463
That.
328
00:13:25,497 --> 00:13:26,927
That's what I was
telling you about.
329
00:13:26,961 --> 00:13:28,199
That's brocade.
330
00:13:28,233 --> 00:13:30,463
Come on, Stewie, we got
to find Chris and the return pad
331
00:13:30,497 --> 00:13:31,463
before it's too late.
332
00:13:31,497 --> 00:13:32,630
All right, let's split up.
333
00:13:32,664 --> 00:13:33,966
I'll go search in first class,
334
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,133
you go down to steerage
335
00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:37,300
and wade through the
gross Irish and Italians.
336
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:39,769
That's two.
337
00:13:39,803 --> 00:13:43,069
Ugh, God knows what
I'm gonna find in steerage.
338
00:13:43,103 --> 00:13:47,066
Bunch of drunk, fat,
pie-faced Irish fools.
339
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:50,302
Excuse me, have any of you seen
a blond teenage boy?
340
00:13:50,336 --> 00:13:52,037
Who's asking?
341
00:13:52,071 --> 00:13:53,531
Yeah, who the hell are you?
342
00:13:53,573 --> 00:13:55,298
And I'm the baby!
343
00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:57,337
Chris?
344
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:04,980
What the hell?
345
00:14:05,014 --> 00:14:06,654
Stewie, what are you doing?
346
00:14:06,688 --> 00:14:08,653
Uh, dining at the
captain's table.
347
00:14:08,687 --> 00:14:10,818
Everyone at this table
was the first person
348
00:14:10,852 --> 00:14:12,154
to refrigerate something.
349
00:14:12,187 --> 00:14:13,985
I refrigerated shoes.
350
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:16,554
Because everybody
likes a cool toe.
351
00:14:16,588 --> 00:14:19,224
Also, I gave the string
quartet the sheet music
352
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:20,896
for "Highway to
the Danger Zone".
353
00:14:20,930 --> 00:14:23,391
You have the sheet music for
"Highway to the Danger Zone"?
354
00:14:23,433 --> 00:14:24,559
Uh, yeah.
355
00:14:24,593 --> 00:14:26,565
What do you think I
keep in this backpack?
356
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,893
It's all PowerBars
and sheet music.
357
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,564
Stewie, you're supposed
to be looking for Chris.
358
00:14:29,598 --> 00:14:31,394
I did-- he wasn't
in the Turkish bath,
359
00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:34,169
the veranda café or the
Bloody Handkerchief Ball.
360
00:14:36,339 --> 00:14:37,802
Oh, dear.
361
00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:40,472
Relax, Brian, I think
I see Chris right now.
362
00:14:40,506 --> 00:14:41,639
Really? Where?
363
00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:43,469
I'm gonna go ahead
and bet he's the guy
364
00:14:43,503 --> 00:14:45,108
with the whole chicken
stuck on his head.
365
00:14:45,142 --> 00:14:47,107
(muffled mumbling)
366
00:14:47,141 --> 00:14:48,443
Hey, you're not Chris.
367
00:14:48,477 --> 00:14:50,941
Pardon me, that's my hat!
368
00:14:50,983 --> 00:14:52,782
(muffled mumbling)
369
00:14:52,816 --> 00:14:55,288
I know this thing's gonna sink,
but I'm having a good time.
370
00:14:55,322 --> 00:14:56,288
(Chris laughing)
371
00:14:56,322 --> 00:14:57,352
Stewie, look!
372
00:14:57,386 --> 00:14:58,855
(laughing)
373
00:14:59,961 --> 00:15:01,254
Chris, there you are!
374
00:15:01,288 --> 00:15:02,925
Well, well, well.
375
00:15:02,959 --> 00:15:05,596
If it isn't Booger Breath
and the Mushroom Tip.
376
00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:07,764
Wh-Which one
of us is which?
377
00:15:07,798 --> 00:15:09,763
Chris, we have got
to get off this boat.
378
00:15:09,797 --> 00:15:11,900
The Titanic was one of the
biggest disasters in history.
379
00:15:11,934 --> 00:15:13,100
Well, if you're so worried,
380
00:15:13,134 --> 00:15:15,035
why don't you alert
the crew and save everyone?
381
00:15:15,069 --> 00:15:17,203
Because, Chris,
we can't alter the past.
382
00:15:17,237 --> 00:15:18,706
That's the first rule of...
383
00:15:18,740 --> 00:15:20,706
of, uh... uh, dreaming.
384
00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:22,307
Besides, saving
this ship would mean
385
00:15:22,341 --> 00:15:23,612
talking to, like, 80 people,
386
00:15:23,646 --> 00:15:25,949
and I-I'm just not
in that kind of mood right now.
387
00:15:25,983 --> 00:15:27,781
Look, Chris, just give
us that thing you took
388
00:15:27,815 --> 00:15:29,150
so we can all get home.
389
00:15:38,197 --> 00:15:40,201
(all screaming)
390
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:43,970
Quick, Chris, Stewie, get on!
391
00:15:44,004 --> 00:15:45,642
To home!
392
00:15:45,676 --> 00:15:48,010
Or I'll just put in
the coordinates.
393
00:16:01,796 --> 00:16:02,762
Damn!
394
00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:03,796
The return pad!
395
00:16:03,803 --> 00:16:04,802
It's been destroyed!
396
00:16:04,803 --> 00:16:05,928
What?!
397
00:16:05,970 --> 00:16:07,263
The whole thing's been
waterlogged!
398
00:16:07,297 --> 00:16:09,430
I'll need to dry it out
and completely rewire it.
399
00:16:09,472 --> 00:16:11,331
This would make a great movie.
400
00:16:11,365 --> 00:16:13,497
And the parts I need
to fix the return pad
401
00:16:13,531 --> 00:16:14,769
certainly aren't on this ship.
402
00:16:14,803 --> 00:16:16,600
We have to somehow
get to dry land.
403
00:16:16,634 --> 00:16:17,767
Dry land?!
404
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:19,765
Stewie, almost everyone
on the Titanic died!
405
00:16:19,807 --> 00:16:20,932
All right, calm down, Brian.
406
00:16:20,974 --> 00:16:22,938
No-- there's so much
I haven't done.
407
00:16:22,972 --> 00:16:24,568
I've never even
successfully made love
408
00:16:24,602 --> 00:16:25,935
to a woman in the shower.
409
00:16:25,969 --> 00:16:27,135
BRIAN:
Aah, my back!
410
00:16:27,169 --> 00:16:29,304
WOMAN: Should I put my
foot in the soap dish?
411
00:16:29,338 --> 00:16:31,976
Yeah, try that, and maybe
stand on your tippy-toes.
412
00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:34,710
Aah, how does water
make it dry?!
413
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,739
(panicked screaming)
414
00:16:41,949 --> 00:16:43,083
This isn't gonna work.
415
00:16:43,117 --> 00:16:44,420
Brian, this is our only hope.
416
00:16:44,455 --> 00:16:45,751
The majority of people
417
00:16:45,793 --> 00:16:48,087
who got on those lifeboats
were women of noble birth.
418
00:16:48,129 --> 00:16:49,926
Now, I've given
us all backstories.
419
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,092
I am Lady Antonia
Tyler Carrington,
420
00:16:52,126 --> 00:16:54,428
the Duchess of Lancashire, the
heir to the Earl of Portsmouth,
421
00:16:54,462 --> 00:16:56,091
and the cousin
of the Countess of Wessex.
422
00:16:56,133 --> 00:16:57,330
Okay, great. And who are we?
423
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,193
I don't know,
you're just two sluts with me.
424
00:16:59,235 --> 00:17:00,361
Hey, there's a lifeboat.
425
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:01,697
Uh, yeah, but it's got one
426
00:17:01,731 --> 00:17:04,139
of those funny Southwest
lifeboat attendants.
427
00:17:04,173 --> 00:17:05,468
Hey,
here's a reminder--
428
00:17:05,510 --> 00:17:06,637
as you exit the boat,
429
00:17:06,678 --> 00:17:08,308
don't forget to give us
your extra snacks
430
00:17:08,342 --> 00:17:10,938
because as you know,
we work for peanuts!
431
00:17:10,980 --> 00:17:12,776
(laughs heartily)
432
00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:13,945
That's refreshing.
433
00:17:13,979 --> 00:17:15,882
Most of those guys
are all serious.
434
00:17:24,125 --> 00:17:25,755
(clamoring)
435
00:17:25,797 --> 00:17:26,755
There, that one!
436
00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:28,292
It's our last chance.
437
00:17:28,326 --> 00:17:32,905
(playing "Danger Zone")
438
00:17:32,939 --> 00:17:34,572
Hey, they learned it!
439
00:17:34,614 --> 00:17:36,077
What a bunch of pros.
440
00:17:36,111 --> 00:17:37,917
(clamoring)
441
00:17:37,951 --> 00:17:39,246
Hello there, sir.
442
00:17:39,288 --> 00:17:41,583
We are three noblewomen
in distress...
443
00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:43,022
Sorry, boat's full.
444
00:17:43,056 --> 00:17:46,190
Um, what if one of us were
to turn this big ship
445
00:17:46,224 --> 00:17:47,693
into a "tug" boat? (laughs)
446
00:17:47,727 --> 00:17:48,862
Wink, wink.
447
00:17:48,896 --> 00:17:50,030
Wouldn't help you.
448
00:17:50,064 --> 00:17:51,526
You're the fourth person
to offer that,
449
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,566
and I'm kind of spent.
450
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,333
I don't believe this.
451
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,603
Dear God, we're stuck here.
452
00:17:58,637 --> 00:18:00,331
We're going to drown
on the Titanic.
453
00:18:00,373 --> 00:18:02,369
Oh, no, we're not.
454
00:18:04,232 --> 00:18:06,499
Hey! I said
you can't come on here.
455
00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:08,696
Get out of my way,
you son of a bitch!
456
00:18:09,865 --> 00:18:11,432
(screams)
457
00:18:13,937 --> 00:18:15,243
Oh, no!
458
00:18:15,277 --> 00:18:17,444
I can't swim without
my striped one-piece!
459
00:18:18,918 --> 00:18:20,884
Everyone move over.
460
00:18:20,918 --> 00:18:22,212
We're getting on this boat.
461
00:18:26,886 --> 00:18:29,020
Please take my baby!
462
00:18:29,062 --> 00:18:31,357
Yeah, I'm sorry,
if I take your baby,
463
00:18:31,391 --> 00:18:33,229
I'm gonna have
to take everyone's baby.
464
00:18:34,495 --> 00:18:35,965
Can you believe that woman?
465
00:18:35,999 --> 00:18:38,792
Putting me on the spot
in front of everyone.
466
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:43,369
(passengers screaming)
467
00:18:48,535 --> 00:18:51,171
To home!
468
00:18:51,205 --> 00:18:52,738
You see what you started?
469
00:18:54,739 --> 00:18:56,041
Wow, Chris.
470
00:18:56,075 --> 00:18:57,705
You just saved our lives.
471
00:18:57,739 --> 00:18:59,073
Thank you.
472
00:18:59,107 --> 00:19:00,913
Oh, it was nothing, Brian.
473
00:19:00,947 --> 00:19:02,248
Listen, Chris, I, um...
474
00:19:02,282 --> 00:19:03,816
I think I owe you an apology.
475
00:19:03,850 --> 00:19:06,816
I'm not someone
who often makes mistakes,
476
00:19:06,850 --> 00:19:09,983
but, well, I was wrong earlier
when I called you a moron.
477
00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:11,656
No, you were right.
478
00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:14,227
You're the smart one in the
family, and I'm the dumb one.
479
00:19:14,261 --> 00:19:15,891
Oh, you're being too
hard on yourself.
480
00:19:15,933 --> 00:19:19,394
Look, you may not be
"book smart" or "history smart,"
481
00:19:19,436 --> 00:19:22,064
but you're "throw people
off the boat" smart.
482
00:19:22,098 --> 00:19:23,832
And, frankly,
I'm starting to think
483
00:19:23,866 --> 00:19:25,671
that's the best kind to be.
484
00:19:25,705 --> 00:19:27,534
Thanks, Stewie.
485
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,699
Well, looks like
one ship was saved today--
486
00:19:36,733 --> 00:19:38,729
a relation-ship.
487
00:19:59,534 --> 00:20:01,331
Oh, thank God, we're back.
488
00:20:01,373 --> 00:20:03,338
Wow, what an adventure!
489
00:20:03,372 --> 00:20:04,507
Thanks, Dream Brian.
490
00:20:04,541 --> 00:20:05,875
Thanks, Dream Stewie.
491
00:20:08,213 --> 00:20:09,507
Brian, Stewie!
492
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,844
I just had the most
amazing dream.
493
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:14,715
I was on a famous boat
called the Gigantic.
494
00:20:15,885 --> 00:20:17,749
Yeah, he's gonna fail
that test tomorrow.
495
00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:19,423
Well, we gave it our
best shot, Stewie.
496
00:20:19,457 --> 00:20:21,624
It was still a nice thing
you did for your brother.
497
00:20:21,658 --> 00:20:22,793
I suppose.
498
00:20:22,827 --> 00:20:24,792
I just hope that Chris
killing one extra man
499
00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:27,198
on the Titanic didn't alter
anything in the present.
500
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:33,700
There he is.
501
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:35,605
"Nigel Harpington."
502
00:20:35,639 --> 00:20:37,270
Wait, "Harpington"?
503
00:20:37,312 --> 00:20:39,278
Isn't that the name of
Chris' history teacher?
504
00:20:39,312 --> 00:20:40,606
Yes, I think you're right.
505
00:20:40,648 --> 00:20:41,942
That must be his ancestor.
506
00:20:41,976 --> 00:20:44,979
Which means that Chris'
history teacher was never born.
507
00:20:45,013 --> 00:20:46,976
Hey, everybody,
I'm Teacher Doug,
508
00:20:47,010 --> 00:20:48,608
and I don't believe in tests.
509
00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:50,616
Yay!
510
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:57,150
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man