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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,303 --> 00:00:11,831
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 13x07 ♪ Stewie, Chris & Brian's
Excellent Adventure Original Air Date on
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry
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ANNOUNCER:
You are watching Amazon Prime,
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the network that brought you
your sunscreen in two days.
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00:00:39,048 --> 00:00:42,745
Amazon Prime... like
the eighth best way to watch TV.
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00:00:42,779 --> 00:00:45,076
Hi, Chris, how was school?
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00:00:45,110 --> 00:00:47,376
Wait, what's that note
pinned to your backpack?
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00:00:47,410 --> 00:00:49,044
Bet it's from a girl in the lunchroom
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00:00:49,078 --> 00:00:51,041
who wants a taste of corn dog.
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Was that a sex joke?
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It's...
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I don't know, shut up.
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00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:57,800
Oh, dear, it's from Principal Shepherd.
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Peter, he wants to see us
first thing tomorrow.
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00:01:00,378 --> 00:01:01,946
Oh, Chris is in trouble.
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00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:04,281
Sounds like he needs a
little fatherly wisdom.
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00:01:04,315 --> 00:01:05,910
Better get my pipe.
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00:01:05,944 --> 00:01:07,906
Peter, I think that's
the wrong kind of pipe.
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I'm sorry, Mom.
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I haven't been doing
too great in school lately.
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Well, that's very disappointing.
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I guess your father and I will
have to talk to the principal
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00:01:15,611 --> 00:01:17,069
and figure out how to handle this.
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00:01:17,103 --> 00:01:18,236
Ah, I wouldn't worry, Lois.
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00:01:18,270 --> 00:01:19,907
I never did very well in school either.
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00:01:19,941 --> 00:01:21,538
I even failed homeroom.
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00:01:21,572 --> 00:01:22,641
Peter Griffin?
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There.
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Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
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Chris seems to be
struggling in his classes,
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00:01:31,778 --> 00:01:34,070
and often when kids
have trouble in school,
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it's because something
is going on at home.
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00:01:36,279 --> 00:01:38,906
I haven't been attracted to Lois
for a year and a half.
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00:01:38,940 --> 00:01:41,943
Principal Shepherd, exactly
how poorly is Chris doing?
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Well, right now,
he has a D-minus average.
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00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:47,106
His only hope is
his history final tomorrow.
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00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:48,441
If he fails that,
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00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,575
I'm afraid he'll have
to repeat ninth grade.
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00:01:50,609 --> 00:01:53,411
This... seems more
like a phone call.
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00:01:53,445 --> 00:01:54,570
Oh, my God.
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00:01:54,612 --> 00:01:56,577
I-I always knew Chris wasn't
a great student,
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00:01:56,611 --> 00:01:59,405
but I had no idea
the situation was so dire.
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00:01:59,439 --> 00:02:01,359
Don't worry, I'll make
sure Chris passes history.
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You can count on me.
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00:02:02,875 --> 00:02:06,375
The same way NASA counted on me
during the Apollo 13 crisis.
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All right, I'm gonna
need three coffins...
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00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:09,211
mahogany with brass handles...
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00:02:09,245 --> 00:02:11,040
three new daddies for the
dead astronauts' kids,
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00:02:11,074 --> 00:02:12,375
and a black suit for me.
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Sir, I think I know a way
we can get them back.
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Is it hard?
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00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:17,537
It might be.
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Yeah, we-we've kind
of already decided
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we're going in this direction.
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All right, Chris, you got a lot riding
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on this history exam tomorrow.
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I know.
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00:02:28,776 --> 00:02:30,574
Sam Cooke didn't
know much about history,
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and he got shot in a hotel
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00:02:32,111 --> 00:02:34,411
wearing nothing
but a sports coat and a shoe.
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Yeah, that's hilarious, Chris,
but we've got to buckle down.
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00:02:36,612 --> 00:02:39,081
Now, I'm gonna help you study
by nailing your door shut.
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That way, you'll have no
choice but to hit the books.
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(hammering)
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(cell phone buzzes) Oh, crap, I left
my phone in there.
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(jiggles handle) Damn
it, it's nailed shut.
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(cell phone beeps) Dad, it looks like
some girl sent you
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a picture of her privates.
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Oh, crap! Lois!
I don't have the phone!
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(cell phone beeps twice)
Stop sending pictures!
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LOIS:
I already sent four more!
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00:02:55,984 --> 00:02:57,453
(cell phone beeps four times)
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Chris, put down the phone!
Don't look at those!
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Wait a minute, that's both her hands!
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Who the hell is taking the pictures?!
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All right, give me that
phone and get back to work.
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And before you judge your mother...
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you did most of that damage.
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(sighing):
Oh.
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Hey, Chris.
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00:03:16,347 --> 00:03:17,977
Just wanted to see
how the studying's going.
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You guys, I've been at this all night,
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and I haven't learned a thing.
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There's no way I'm gonna pass
Mr. Harpington's history test.
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00:03:24,851 --> 00:03:25,985
Oh, come on, Chris.
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I'm sure that's
just the nerves talking.
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Here, I'll quiz you.
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00:03:29,018 --> 00:03:32,319
Who said, "We have nothing
to fear but fear itself"?
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Scooby-Doo?
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00:03:33,528 --> 00:03:34,654
No.
Shaggy?
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00:03:34,696 --> 00:03:36,158
It's nobody on Scooby-Doo.
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00:03:36,192 --> 00:03:37,661
Wow, Chris, you, uh...
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you really don't know history.
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00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:42,562
And if I fail ninth grade,
I won't amount to anything.
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00:03:42,596 --> 00:03:44,560
I'll end up being
one of those bus drivers
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that parents don't completely trust.
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00:03:49,201 --> 00:03:51,535
You have a beautiful
child, Mrs. Roberts.
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00:03:54,508 --> 00:03:56,139
God, poor Chris.
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00:03:56,181 --> 00:03:58,661
He's studying as hard as he can,
but it doesn't seem to matter.
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Well, we got to do something.
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If he doesn't pass this
test, he's gonna have to...
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00:04:01,780 --> 00:04:03,081
Hey.
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...he's gonna have to
repeat ninth grade.
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00:04:04,618 --> 00:04:06,447
Well, there's not much
we can do about it.
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00:04:06,481 --> 00:04:08,401
Some people just aren't able
to learn from books.
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00:04:08,417 --> 00:04:11,114
Well, maybe he doesn't have to.
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What do you mean?
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Maybe there's a way to
actually show Chris history...
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with my time machine.
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00:04:16,518 --> 00:04:18,145
You know, that's really
nice of you, Stewie.
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Well, he's my brother.
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00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:20,647
We've got to stick together.
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00:04:20,681 --> 00:04:23,117
Like that two-headed
girl on TLC.
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00:04:23,152 --> 00:04:26,381
Okay, who wants to taste it,
and who wants to smell it?
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00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,548
All right, we'll just
tell Chris he's dreaming,
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00:04:36,582 --> 00:04:38,811
because I don't want him
to know about my time machine.
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Why not?
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00:04:39,845 --> 00:04:41,250
Eh, it's like having a pickup truck.
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00:04:41,284 --> 00:04:43,385
Once people know you got one,
there go your weekends.
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00:04:43,419 --> 00:04:44,384
Chris?
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00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:45,384
Can you hear me?
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00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:46,383
Huh?
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00:04:46,417 --> 00:04:47,383
You're dreaming.
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00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:49,056
I'm dreaming?
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00:04:49,090 --> 00:04:51,089
Yay! No consequences!
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00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:53,393
(screams)
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So lifelike!
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00:04:54,931 --> 00:04:57,791
(sighs) All right, let's go back
six minutes and try this again.
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00:04:57,833 --> 00:05:00,724
Chris, you're dreaming
with consequences.
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00:05:00,766 --> 00:05:01,732
What?
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00:05:01,766 --> 00:05:02,900
That's right.
141
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:04,900
We're gonna take you on
a special dream trip
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00:05:04,934 --> 00:05:06,900
to help you pass your history test.
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00:05:06,934 --> 00:05:07,900
You are?
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00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:09,738
Yes, and there's so much to learn.
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00:05:09,772 --> 00:05:10,906
For example, did you know
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00:05:10,940 --> 00:05:13,474
that Jesus didn't really
die on the cross?
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00:05:13,508 --> 00:05:15,306
So, what was the cause of death?
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00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:17,977
Cocaine and severe trauma to the colon.
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00:05:18,011 --> 00:05:20,344
Yeah, I'm gonna need
to see those forms.
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00:05:24,881 --> 00:05:26,183
Don't look at me like that.
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00:05:26,217 --> 00:05:28,687
Babe, I told you, it's a business trip.
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00:05:28,721 --> 00:05:30,624
All right, I've got the return pad,
153
00:05:30,658 --> 00:05:32,624
and the time machine is
powering up right now.
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00:05:32,658 --> 00:05:33,959
We should be leaving any moment.
155
00:05:33,993 --> 00:05:35,959
This thing is awesome.
156
00:05:35,993 --> 00:05:38,126
Stewie, can you believe
Brian built this?
157
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:39,126
Wait, what?
158
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,431
(chuckling):
Oh, hey, come on, guys.
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00:05:41,465 --> 00:05:43,198
"Who built what" is not a question
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on the history final, right?
161
00:05:45,072 --> 00:05:46,365
Good point, Brian.
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That's why victory is always Brian's.
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You dick!
164
00:05:50,238 --> 00:05:52,404
How much of my stuff
have you taken credit for?!
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00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,223
Hey, everybody?
166
00:06:07,257 --> 00:06:09,456
Just so you know, I'm straight.
167
00:06:20,787 --> 00:06:22,585
All right, Chris, I
reviewed your textbook,
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00:06:22,619 --> 00:06:24,939
and I've programmed a tour of
the various historical events
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00:06:24,957 --> 00:06:26,588
that you'll need to know for your exam.
170
00:06:26,622 --> 00:06:27,926
So, pay close attention.
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00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,760
First stop...
Washington, D.C.
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00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:31,264
The year is 1803.
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00:06:31,298 --> 00:06:33,304
Ah, the future.
174
00:06:35,675 --> 00:06:38,140
Now, the man at the podium
is Thomas Jefferson.
175
00:06:38,182 --> 00:06:39,981
And this is a very important moment.
176
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He's trying to convince Congress
177
00:06:41,519 --> 00:06:43,317
to approve the Louisiana Purchase.
178
00:06:43,351 --> 00:06:44,653
Come on, guys!
179
00:06:44,687 --> 00:06:47,651
We're getting Oklahoma,
Arkansas, Nebraska, Kansas,
180
00:06:47,685 --> 00:06:50,989
Wyoming, North Dakota,
South Dakota and Louisiana.
181
00:06:51,023 --> 00:06:53,390
What are the chances
all those states suck?
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00:07:00,773 --> 00:07:02,908
STEWIE:
This is Paris, 1920.
183
00:07:02,942 --> 00:07:05,078
This bar is where famous
American writers,
184
00:07:05,112 --> 00:07:07,087
like Ernest Hemingway,
would go for a drink.
185
00:07:07,121 --> 00:07:09,184
Oh, my God, there he is!
186
00:07:09,218 --> 00:07:11,856
Excuse me, Mr. Hemingway,
can I have a beer with you?
187
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:12,856
Sure!
188
00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:15,223
I love life and all the people in it!
189
00:07:15,257 --> 00:07:16,257
Thanks.
190
00:07:16,264 --> 00:07:17,462
And, hey, as a fellow writer,
191
00:07:17,496 --> 00:07:19,526
I would love to talk
to you about the craft.
192
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,535
I mean, God, if only we could
get rid of these damn arms
193
00:07:22,569 --> 00:07:24,736
and attach the pen directly
to the heart, right?
194
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,245
You guys, I got his pen!
195
00:07:33,092 --> 00:07:34,723
Now, Chris, this is Brazil
196
00:07:34,757 --> 00:07:36,597
before the invention
of the soccer ball.
197
00:07:41,004 --> 00:07:43,004
Australia before
the shark-tooth necklace.
198
00:07:47,582 --> 00:07:49,212
And Italy before pasta.
199
00:07:49,247 --> 00:07:50,548
Ay!
Oh!
200
00:07:50,583 --> 00:07:51,884
Vowel sound!
201
00:07:51,918 --> 00:07:54,084
They were always a ridiculous people.
202
00:07:54,118 --> 00:07:57,755
Hey, Family Guy, you're lucky
I got a manicotti in the oven,
203
00:07:57,789 --> 00:08:00,587
or I'd bash your face into a bolognese.
204
00:08:00,629 --> 00:08:02,855
That's two kinds of food.
205
00:08:02,889 --> 00:08:05,094
That's how angry I am.
206
00:08:12,294 --> 00:08:14,268
(screams)
207
00:08:14,302 --> 00:08:15,365
CHRIS:
Oh, my God!
208
00:08:15,399 --> 00:08:16,469
Where are we?!
209
00:08:16,503 --> 00:08:18,972
Omaha Beach, 1944.
210
00:08:19,006 --> 00:08:20,468
This is D-Day.
211
00:08:20,502 --> 00:08:21,973
What's that over there?
212
00:08:22,007 --> 00:08:23,236
Oh, that's
Double D-Day.
213
00:08:23,278 --> 00:08:26,740
♪ She's my cherry pie ♪
214
00:08:26,782 --> 00:08:28,917
♪ Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise ♪
215
00:08:28,951 --> 00:08:30,245
♪ Tastes so good... ♪
216
00:08:30,287 --> 00:08:33,253
Nein, nein! No
fire! Ist gut!
217
00:08:33,287 --> 00:08:35,253
Heil hooters!
218
00:08:35,287 --> 00:08:36,589
Be careful.
219
00:08:36,623 --> 00:08:38,590
It could be a booby trap!
220
00:08:38,624 --> 00:08:41,265
(laughing):
Oh, Otto.
221
00:08:44,204 --> 00:08:45,170
Here we are.
222
00:08:45,204 --> 00:08:47,170
Christmas night, 1776.
223
00:08:47,204 --> 00:08:49,169
The father of our nation,
George Washington,
224
00:08:49,203 --> 00:08:51,506
is about to boldly cross the Delaware.
225
00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:52,674
What's on his arms?
226
00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:53,708
Those are water wings.
227
00:08:53,716 --> 00:08:55,147
He was terrified of the water.
228
00:08:56,853 --> 00:08:58,251
Easy!
229
00:09:01,852 --> 00:09:04,154
All right, Chris, it's 1798,
230
00:09:04,188 --> 00:09:05,985
and we're in the home of Jane Austen.
231
00:09:06,027 --> 00:09:07,488
Jane Austen?
232
00:09:07,522 --> 00:09:09,488
I don't think she's
on my history test, Stewie.
233
00:09:09,530 --> 00:09:10,824
Oh, I know...
we're just here
234
00:09:10,858 --> 00:09:12,664
to release pent-up
time-travel farts.
235
00:09:12,698 --> 00:09:14,161
Awesome!
Yeah!
236
00:09:14,195 --> 00:09:16,169
(farting)
237
00:09:16,203 --> 00:09:17,664
(sniffing)
238
00:09:17,698 --> 00:09:19,504
Aw, yeah!
239
00:09:19,538 --> 00:09:20,831
Give me some of that!
240
00:09:20,873 --> 00:09:22,837
Mmm, the insides of men!
241
00:09:22,870 --> 00:09:24,834
This is what fuels me!
242
00:09:24,867 --> 00:09:25,833
(sniffing)
243
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,031
Mmm!
244
00:09:31,366 --> 00:09:33,498
Okay, time for some recent history.
245
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,171
This is the 1990s.
246
00:09:35,205 --> 00:09:39,677
♪ And I'll tell myself
I'm over you... ♪
247
00:09:39,711 --> 00:09:41,677
This is the entire 1990s?
248
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:42,914
Yes.
249
00:09:48,282 --> 00:09:49,247
Wait a minute.
250
00:09:49,281 --> 00:09:50,415
Pre-Soviet Russia?
251
00:09:50,449 --> 00:09:51,583
This wasn't on the manifest.
252
00:09:51,617 --> 00:09:53,351
Yeah, this is kind of a personal thing.
253
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:55,856
Hey, Pavlov, you
dog-teasing-dick!
254
00:09:55,891 --> 00:09:57,890
How's this for positive reinforcement?!
255
00:10:06,738 --> 00:10:08,370
All right, where to next?
256
00:10:08,404 --> 00:10:10,404
I want to kill more scientists!
257
00:10:15,724 --> 00:10:19,021
All right, Chris, that was the
British Parliament, 1912.
258
00:10:19,063 --> 00:10:20,359
Next, we...
259
00:10:20,393 --> 00:10:22,895
I say, that looks like a
young Charlie Chaplin.
260
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,133
Sir, please, take this money and
use it to pursue your dreams.
261
00:10:30,174 --> 00:10:31,500
Danke.
262
00:10:32,502 --> 00:10:34,803
Stewie, I think
that was a young Hitler.
263
00:10:34,837 --> 00:10:36,474
You just gave money to Hitler!
264
00:10:36,508 --> 00:10:38,474
Yeah, but before all the crazy stuff.
265
00:10:38,508 --> 00:10:41,475
All right, Chris, let's discuss
what you've learned so far.
266
00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:43,812
Now, what is your biggest
takeaway from our travels?
267
00:10:43,854 --> 00:10:47,251
That you can't take a good nap
with keys in your pocket.
268
00:10:47,285 --> 00:10:48,586
For God's sake, Chris!
269
00:10:48,620 --> 00:10:50,089
You clearly have not paid attention
270
00:10:50,123 --> 00:10:51,417
to anything we've shown you!
271
00:10:51,459 --> 00:10:53,256
You're absolutely hopeless!
272
00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:55,255
Did you ever consider...
the reason you're having trouble
273
00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:56,758
passing ninth grade is
that you're incapable
274
00:10:56,792 --> 00:10:58,093
of anything else?!
275
00:10:58,127 --> 00:11:00,755
That this is the absolute zenith
of your ability?!
276
00:11:00,789 --> 00:11:02,354
Zenith means top.
277
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:04,360
No, it means TV.
278
00:11:04,394 --> 00:11:06,096
Ha! Now I'm catching fire.
279
00:11:06,130 --> 00:11:08,096
Damn it, Chris, your problem
isn't book learning,
280
00:11:08,130 --> 00:11:09,600
it's that you're a moron!
281
00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:11,768
This whole trip has been
a complete waste of time!
282
00:11:13,634 --> 00:11:14,936
Screw you, Stewie.
283
00:11:14,970 --> 00:11:16,440
You're a jerk!
284
00:11:16,474 --> 00:11:20,105
And I'm gonna win that bowling
tournament, with or without you!
285
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,776
(sobs)
286
00:11:22,810 --> 00:11:24,447
What is he... what?
287
00:11:24,481 --> 00:11:26,740
He-he doesn't even know what
we're preparing him for!
288
00:11:29,778 --> 00:11:30,912
STEWIE:
Chris?
289
00:11:30,945 --> 00:11:32,142
Chris, come back!
290
00:11:32,177 --> 00:11:33,478
Well, we've looked all over London.
291
00:11:33,512 --> 00:11:34,981
He's nowhere.
292
00:11:35,015 --> 00:11:37,149
I don't know what the
hell we're going to do.
293
00:11:37,183 --> 00:11:38,183
CHRIS:
Hey, Stewie!
294
00:11:40,179 --> 00:11:43,513
If I'm such a moron, then how
did I get on a fancy boat?!
295
00:11:45,852 --> 00:11:47,817
(horn bellows)
296
00:11:47,859 --> 00:11:50,792
See you later, douche bags!
297
00:11:50,827 --> 00:11:52,024
Oh, crap!
298
00:11:52,058 --> 00:11:53,192
Chris is on the Titanic?!
299
00:11:53,226 --> 00:11:54,528
No, no, it's okay, Brian.
300
00:11:54,562 --> 00:11:57,129
We'll just go back in time
to before Chris ran off.
301
00:11:57,163 --> 00:12:00,264
Oh, and I took
your fancy smoke detector!
302
00:12:00,298 --> 00:12:01,264
(gasps)
303
00:12:01,298 --> 00:12:02,768
My God, he's got the return pad!
304
00:12:02,802 --> 00:12:04,537
Brian, we've got to get on that ship!
305
00:12:04,571 --> 00:12:06,369
PURSER:
Attention, passengers.
306
00:12:06,411 --> 00:12:09,545
The karaoke contest
will begin in five minutes.
307
00:12:09,579 --> 00:12:12,407
Okay, now we've really
got to get on that ship.
308
00:12:19,077 --> 00:12:20,790
Brian, we have to get on that ship!
309
00:12:20,791 --> 00:12:22,504
It's our only hope to save Chris.
310
00:12:22,538 --> 00:12:24,008
There! Jump onto
that mooring rope.
311
00:12:24,042 --> 00:12:26,274
We can use it to pull ourselves up.
312
00:12:35,218 --> 00:12:37,856
Oh, thank God, I wasn't
sure we were gonna make it.
313
00:12:37,890 --> 00:12:38,856
I wasn't worried.
314
00:12:38,890 --> 00:12:40,191
I've faced bigger challenges.
315
00:12:40,225 --> 00:12:42,894
Like trying to dress
Jonah Hill for the Oscars.
316
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,387
Okay, okay, perfect.
317
00:12:45,429 --> 00:12:47,427
Tell him to stay exactly that weight.
318
00:12:48,429 --> 00:12:49,394
(cell phone rings)
319
00:12:49,428 --> 00:12:50,393
Yes?
320
00:12:50,427 --> 00:12:51,825
(sighs) Damn it!
321
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,722
Oh, my God, Brian.
322
00:13:20,764 --> 00:13:23,225
This ship, it's...
it's unbelievable.
323
00:13:23,259 --> 00:13:25,264
It's even more magnificent
than I imagined.
324
00:13:26,265 --> 00:13:27,396
That, Brian.
325
00:13:27,430 --> 00:13:28,563
That.
326
00:13:28,597 --> 00:13:30,037
That's what I was telling you about.
327
00:13:30,061 --> 00:13:31,299
That's brocade.
328
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:33,563
Come on, Stewie, we got
to find Chris and the return pad
329
00:13:33,597 --> 00:13:34,563
before it's too late.
330
00:13:34,597 --> 00:13:35,730
All right, let's split up.
331
00:13:35,764 --> 00:13:38,233
I'll go search in first class,
you go down to steerage
332
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:40,400
and wade through the
gross Irish and Italians.
333
00:13:40,434 --> 00:13:42,869
That's two.
334
00:13:42,903 --> 00:13:46,169
Ugh, God knows what
I'm gonna find in steerage.
335
00:13:46,203 --> 00:13:50,166
Bunch of drunk, fat,
pie-faced Irish fools.
336
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,402
Excuse me, have any of you seen
a blond teenage boy?
337
00:13:53,436 --> 00:13:55,137
Who's asking?
338
00:13:55,171 --> 00:13:56,631
Yeah, who the hell are you?
339
00:13:56,673 --> 00:13:58,398
And I'm the baby!
340
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,437
Chris?
341
00:14:06,777 --> 00:14:08,080
What the hell?
342
00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:09,754
Stewie, what are you doing?
343
00:14:09,788 --> 00:14:11,753
Uh, dining at the captain's table.
344
00:14:11,787 --> 00:14:13,918
Everyone at this table
was the first person
345
00:14:13,952 --> 00:14:15,254
to refrigerate something.
346
00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:17,085
I refrigerated shoes.
347
00:14:17,119 --> 00:14:19,654
Because everybody likes a cool toe.
348
00:14:19,688 --> 00:14:22,324
Also, I gave the string
quartet the sheet music
349
00:14:22,358 --> 00:14:23,996
for "Highway to the Danger Zone".
350
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,491
You have the sheet music for
"Highway to the Danger Zone"?
351
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:27,659
Uh, yeah.
352
00:14:27,693 --> 00:14:29,665
What do you think I
keep in this backpack?
353
00:14:29,699 --> 00:14:30,993
It's all PowerBars and sheet music.
354
00:14:31,035 --> 00:14:32,664
Stewie, you're supposed
to be looking for Chris.
355
00:14:32,698 --> 00:14:34,494
I did... he wasn't
in the Turkish bath,
356
00:14:34,536 --> 00:14:37,269
the veranda café or the
Bloody Handkerchief Ball.
357
00:14:39,439 --> 00:14:40,902
Oh, dear.
358
00:14:40,936 --> 00:14:43,572
Relax, Brian, I think
I see Chris right now.
359
00:14:43,606 --> 00:14:44,739
Really? Where?
360
00:14:44,773 --> 00:14:46,569
I'm gonna go ahead and bet he's the guy
361
00:14:46,603 --> 00:14:48,208
with the whole chicken
stuck on his head.
362
00:14:48,242 --> 00:14:50,207
(muffled mumbling)
363
00:14:50,241 --> 00:14:51,543
Hey, you're not Chris.
364
00:14:51,577 --> 00:14:54,041
Pardon me, that's my hat!
365
00:14:54,083 --> 00:14:55,882
(muffled mumbling)
366
00:14:55,916 --> 00:14:58,388
I know this thing's gonna sink,
but I'm having a good time.
367
00:14:58,422 --> 00:14:59,388
(Chris laughing)
368
00:14:59,422 --> 00:15:00,452
Stewie, look!
369
00:15:00,486 --> 00:15:01,955
(laughing)
370
00:15:03,061 --> 00:15:04,354
Chris, there you are!
371
00:15:04,388 --> 00:15:06,025
Well, well, well.
372
00:15:06,059 --> 00:15:08,696
If it isn't Booger Breath
and the Mushroom Tip.
373
00:15:08,730 --> 00:15:10,864
Wh-Which one
of us is which?
374
00:15:10,898 --> 00:15:12,863
Chris, we have got
to get off this boat.
375
00:15:12,897 --> 00:15:15,000
The Titanic was one of the
biggest disasters in history.
376
00:15:15,034 --> 00:15:16,200
Well, if you're so worried,
377
00:15:16,234 --> 00:15:18,135
why don't you alert
the crew and save everyone?
378
00:15:18,169 --> 00:15:20,303
Because, Chris,
we can't alter the past.
379
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:21,806
That's the first rule of...
380
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:23,806
of, uh... uh, dreaming.
381
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,407
Besides, saving this ship would mean
382
00:15:25,441 --> 00:15:26,712
talking to, like, 80 people,
383
00:15:26,746 --> 00:15:29,049
and I-I'm just not
in that kind of mood right now.
384
00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:30,881
Look, Chris, just give
us that thing you took
385
00:15:30,915 --> 00:15:32,250
so we can all get home.
386
00:15:41,297 --> 00:15:43,301
(all screaming)
387
00:15:45,441 --> 00:15:47,070
Quick, Chris, Stewie, get on!
388
00:15:47,104 --> 00:15:48,742
To home!
389
00:15:48,776 --> 00:15:51,110
Or I'll just put in the coordinates.
390
00:16:04,896 --> 00:16:05,862
Damn!
391
00:16:05,896 --> 00:16:06,896
The return pad!
392
00:16:06,903 --> 00:16:07,903
It's been destroyed!
393
00:16:07,904 --> 00:16:09,028
What?!
394
00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:10,363
The whole thing's been waterlogged!
395
00:16:10,397 --> 00:16:12,530
I'll need to dry it out
and completely rewire it.
396
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,431
This would make a great movie.
397
00:16:14,465 --> 00:16:16,597
And the parts I need
to fix the return pad
398
00:16:16,631 --> 00:16:17,869
certainly aren't on this ship.
399
00:16:17,903 --> 00:16:19,700
We have to somehow get to dry land.
400
00:16:19,734 --> 00:16:20,867
Dry land?!
401
00:16:20,901 --> 00:16:22,865
Stewie, almost everyone
on the Titanic died!
402
00:16:22,907 --> 00:16:24,032
All right, calm down, Brian.
403
00:16:24,074 --> 00:16:26,038
No... there's so much
I haven't done.
404
00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:27,668
I've never even successfully made love
405
00:16:27,702 --> 00:16:29,035
to a woman in the shower.
406
00:16:29,069 --> 00:16:30,235
BRIAN:
Aah, my back!
407
00:16:30,269 --> 00:16:32,404
WOMAN: Should I put my
foot in the soap dish?
408
00:16:32,438 --> 00:16:35,076
Yeah, try that, and maybe
stand on your tippy-toes.
409
00:16:35,110 --> 00:16:37,810
Aah, how does water make it dry?!
410
00:16:37,844 --> 00:16:39,839
(panicked screaming)
411
00:16:45,049 --> 00:16:46,183
This isn't gonna work.
412
00:16:46,217 --> 00:16:47,520
Brian, this is our only hope.
413
00:16:47,555 --> 00:16:48,851
The majority of people
414
00:16:48,893 --> 00:16:51,187
who got on those lifeboats
were women of noble birth.
415
00:16:51,229 --> 00:16:53,026
Now, I've given us all backstories.
416
00:16:53,060 --> 00:16:55,192
I am Lady Antonia Tyler Carrington,
417
00:16:55,226 --> 00:16:57,528
the Duchess of Lancashire, the
heir to the Earl of Portsmouth,
418
00:16:57,562 --> 00:16:59,191
and the cousin
of the Countess of Wessex.
419
00:16:59,233 --> 00:17:00,430
Okay, great. And who are we?
420
00:17:00,464 --> 00:17:02,293
I don't know,
you're just two sluts with me.
421
00:17:02,335 --> 00:17:03,461
Hey, there's a lifeboat.
422
00:17:03,495 --> 00:17:04,797
Uh, yeah, but it's got one
423
00:17:04,831 --> 00:17:07,239
of those funny Southwest
lifeboat attendants.
424
00:17:07,273 --> 00:17:08,568
Hey, here's a reminder...
425
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:09,737
as you exit the boat,
426
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,408
don't forget to give us
your extra snacks
427
00:17:11,442 --> 00:17:14,038
because as you know,
we work for peanuts!
428
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,876
(laughs heartily)
429
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,045
That's refreshing.
430
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,982
Most of those guys are all serious.
431
00:17:27,225 --> 00:17:28,855
(clamoring)
432
00:17:28,897 --> 00:17:29,855
There, that one!
433
00:17:29,897 --> 00:17:31,392
It's our last chance.
434
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:36,005
(playing "Danger Zone")
435
00:17:36,039 --> 00:17:37,672
Hey, they learned it!
436
00:17:37,714 --> 00:17:39,177
What a bunch of pros.
437
00:17:39,211 --> 00:17:41,017
(clamoring)
438
00:17:41,051 --> 00:17:42,346
Hello there, sir.
439
00:17:42,388 --> 00:17:44,683
We are three noblewomen in distress...
440
00:17:44,725 --> 00:17:46,122
Sorry, boat's full.
441
00:17:46,156 --> 00:17:49,290
Um, what if one of us were
to turn this big ship
442
00:17:49,324 --> 00:17:50,793
into a "tug" boat? (laughs)
443
00:17:50,827 --> 00:17:51,962
Wink, wink.
444
00:17:51,996 --> 00:17:53,130
Wouldn't help you.
445
00:17:53,164 --> 00:17:54,626
You're the fourth person to offer that,
446
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:56,666
and I'm kind of spent.
447
00:17:58,300 --> 00:17:59,433
I don't believe this.
448
00:17:59,467 --> 00:18:01,703
Dear God, we're stuck here.
449
00:18:01,737 --> 00:18:03,431
We're going to drown on the Titanic.
450
00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:05,469
Oh, no, we're not.
451
00:18:07,332 --> 00:18:09,599
Hey! I said
you can't come on here.
452
00:18:09,633 --> 00:18:11,796
Get out of my way, you son of a bitch!
453
00:18:12,965 --> 00:18:14,532
(screams)
454
00:18:17,037 --> 00:18:18,343
Oh, no!
455
00:18:18,377 --> 00:18:20,544
I can't swim without
my striped one-piece!
456
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,984
Everyone move over.
457
00:18:24,018 --> 00:18:25,312
We're getting on this boat.
458
00:18:29,986 --> 00:18:32,120
Please take my baby!
459
00:18:32,162 --> 00:18:34,457
Yeah, I'm sorry, if I take your baby,
460
00:18:34,491 --> 00:18:36,329
I'm gonna have to take everyone's baby.
461
00:18:37,595 --> 00:18:39,065
Can you believe that woman?
462
00:18:39,099 --> 00:18:41,892
Putting me on the spot
in front of everyone.
463
00:18:43,533 --> 00:18:46,469
(passengers screaming)
464
00:18:51,635 --> 00:18:54,271
To home!
465
00:18:54,305 --> 00:18:55,838
You see what you started?
466
00:18:57,839 --> 00:18:59,141
Wow, Chris.
467
00:18:59,175 --> 00:19:00,805
You just saved our lives.
468
00:19:00,839 --> 00:19:02,173
Thank you.
469
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:04,013
Oh, it was nothing, Brian.
470
00:19:04,047 --> 00:19:05,348
Listen, Chris, I, um...
471
00:19:05,382 --> 00:19:06,916
I think I owe you an apology.
472
00:19:06,950 --> 00:19:09,916
I'm not someone
who often makes mistakes,
473
00:19:09,950 --> 00:19:13,083
but, well, I was wrong earlier
when I called you a moron.
474
00:19:13,118 --> 00:19:14,756
No, you were right.
475
00:19:14,790 --> 00:19:17,327
You're the smart one in the
family, and I'm the dumb one.
476
00:19:17,361 --> 00:19:18,991
Oh, you're being too hard on yourself.
477
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:22,494
Look, you may not be
"book smart" or "history smart,"
478
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,164
but you're "throw people
off the boat" smart.
479
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:26,932
And, frankly, I'm starting to think
480
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,771
that's the best kind to be.
481
00:19:28,805 --> 00:19:30,634
Thanks, Stewie.
482
00:19:37,206 --> 00:19:39,799
Well, looks like
one ship was saved today...
483
00:19:39,833 --> 00:19:41,829
a relation-ship.
484
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:04,431
Oh, thank God, we're back.
485
00:20:04,473 --> 00:20:06,438
Wow, what an adventure!
486
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:07,607
Thanks, Dream Brian.
487
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:08,975
Thanks, Dream Stewie.
488
00:20:11,313 --> 00:20:12,607
Brian, Stewie!
489
00:20:12,641 --> 00:20:14,944
I just had the most amazing dream.
490
00:20:14,978 --> 00:20:17,815
I was on a famous boat
called the Gigantic.
491
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,849
Yeah, he's gonna fail
that test tomorrow.
492
00:20:20,891 --> 00:20:22,523
Well, we gave it our best shot, Stewie.
493
00:20:22,557 --> 00:20:24,724
It was still a nice thing
you did for your brother.
494
00:20:24,758 --> 00:20:25,893
I suppose.
495
00:20:25,927 --> 00:20:27,892
I just hope that Chris
killing one extra man
496
00:20:27,934 --> 00:20:30,298
on the Titanic didn't alter
anything in the present.
497
00:20:35,497 --> 00:20:36,800
There he is.
498
00:20:36,834 --> 00:20:38,705
"Nigel Harpington."
499
00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:40,370
Wait, "Harpington"?
500
00:20:40,412 --> 00:20:42,378
Isn't that the name of
Chris' history teacher?
501
00:20:42,412 --> 00:20:43,706
Yes, I think you're right.
502
00:20:43,748 --> 00:20:45,042
That must be his ancestor.
503
00:20:45,076 --> 00:20:48,079
Which means that Chris'
history teacher was never born.
504
00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:50,076
Hey, everybody, I'm Teacher Doug,
505
00:20:50,110 --> 00:20:51,708
and I don't believe in tests.
506
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,716
Yay!
507
00:20:53,750 --> 00:21:00,250
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man web dl sync snarry