1
00:00:01,351 --> 00:00:02,990
Previously
on Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:03,505 --> 00:00:05,739
I'm not gay.
Does Alan know?
3
00:00:05,741 --> 00:00:07,774
Can we kiss again?
Yeah.
4
00:00:07,776 --> 00:00:09,643
Do you want to go up to my...
Let's go.
5
00:00:09,645 --> 00:00:11,311
Oh...
6
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LOUIS:
Walden, can you come here?
7
00:00:14,216 --> 00:00:15,882
It's fine.
I-I've waited for two years.
8
00:00:15,884 --> 00:00:17,751
I can wait a little bit longer.
9
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:19,953
Walden?
10
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Parenting rule number four:
sleep is better than sex.
11
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♪ Men. ♪
All right, Louis,
12
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:32,265
let's go over
the rules again.
13
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We don't talk to strangers.
14
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Don't climb the rock wall alone.
15
00:00:35,804 --> 00:00:37,837
And?
16
00:00:37,839 --> 00:00:40,873
We don't eat anything
we find in the ball pit.
17
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All right, now,
go have fun.
18
00:00:42,277 --> 00:00:43,609
(squeals)
19
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:44,777
All right, Alan,
20
00:00:44,779 --> 00:00:46,546
let's go over your rules.
21
00:00:46,548 --> 00:00:49,015
Uh, if I find a wallet,
I have to turn it in.
22
00:00:49,017 --> 00:00:52,085
Uh, no haggling
over the corn dog prices.
23
00:00:52,087 --> 00:00:53,853
And?
24
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,756
No standing underneath the moms
25
00:00:56,758 --> 00:00:58,624
on the rock wall.
The rock wall. Yes.
26
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:01,027
Oh, great.
27
00:01:01,029 --> 00:01:01,928
What?
28
00:01:01,930 --> 00:01:03,129
Laurel's here.
29
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,530
ALAN:
Oh.
30
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,299
So go talk to her.
31
00:01:06,301 --> 00:01:08,234
What am I supposed to say?
"I'm sorry about our date.
32
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,136
"It's just that I prefer
sleeping with a six-year-old kid
33
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,871
to sleeping with you."
34
00:01:11,873 --> 00:01:15,007
Oh, oh, it's okay. I'm-I'm
talking about my own son.
35
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,544
You know,
maybe I'll just avoid her.
36
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:21,046
If I wanted to avoid every woman
I ever embarrassed myself
37
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,915
in front of,
I'd never leave the house.
38
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:25,317
I'd even have to steer clear
of the UPS lady.
39
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,287
She looked in the window
and caught me...
40
00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,756
handling my own package.
41
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,125
You know,
it's not the things that you do,
42
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,494
so much as the way
that you say them.
43
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,896
No, no.
44
00:01:36,898 --> 00:01:39,164
It-It's also the things
that you do.
45
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Okay, you know,
I just wish there was a way
46
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,668
to, like,
jump over the awkwardness
47
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:44,737
and get right
into the conversation with her.
48
00:01:44,739 --> 00:01:46,605
You know what, I think I can...
I can help you with that.
49
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,806
Laurel!
50
00:01:49,976 --> 00:01:52,011
Look who's here! And awake!
51
00:01:52,013 --> 00:01:53,512
Hey, guys.
52
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:55,848
I'll, uh... I'll leave
you two lovebirds alone.
53
00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:57,216
I'm gonna go check on Louis.
54
00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:59,852
Hey, remember how we used
to have to pretend to be gay?
55
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Crazy, right?
(chuckles)
56
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I'm sorry I didn't call.
57
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,393
And I'm-I'm sorry
58
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:11,363
I fell asleep instead
of having sex with you. I...
59
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,833
Will you stop
walking by?
60
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,969
I really am sorry.
61
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,203
I'm not mad.
62
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Though you are now in my phone
as Rip Van Walden.
63
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,543
I'm sorry, what was that?
I just nodded off.
64
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So, what you been up to?
65
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,382
Oh, you know, not much. Just...
66
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,950
training for a marathon,
67
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:34,219
developing an international
photo sharing app,
68
00:02:34,221 --> 00:02:36,288
and I'm writing
a young adult novel.
69
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:37,455
Wow. Really?
70
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:38,957
No, I have a six-year-old.
71
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:43,528
All I do is come here
and eat food on a stick.
72
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Well, do you want to... maybe...
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schedule another playdate?
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I would love that.
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00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,369
I mean, Lily would love that.
Oh.
76
00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:53,538
Louis would also love it.
77
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Imagine
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all the... games
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that they would play together.
80
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Yeah. And all the, uh, toys
they would play with.
81
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Toys? I-I hope none
of them are...
82
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a choking hazard.
83
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Wouldn't matter to me.
84
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I don't have a gag reflex.
85
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
86
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
87
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♪ Two and a Half Men 12x09 ♪
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
Original Air Date
88
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
89
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♪ Men. ♪
90
00:03:27,551 --> 00:03:28,883
Morning.
(groans)
91
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How's the neck?
92
00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:31,853
Not good.
93
00:03:31,855 --> 00:03:33,555
Yeah. Well, I told you not
to stand under that mom
94
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on the rock wall.
95
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That's why we have rules!
96
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Yeah, well, wearing underwear
on the rock wall
97
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should be one of those.
98
00:03:45,068 --> 00:03:47,769
Hey, Louis, are you excited
about your playdate with Lily?
99
00:03:47,771 --> 00:03:48,970
I guess.
100
00:03:48,972 --> 00:03:50,638
"I guess."
101
00:03:52,208 --> 00:03:54,542
You got a cute girl
coming over here.
102
00:03:54,544 --> 00:03:56,077
You should be
popping in the...
103
00:03:56,079 --> 00:04:00,248
Kidz Bop Slow Jamz
and putting some Sunny D on ice.
104
00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:02,717
Do I have to share my Legos
with her?
105
00:04:02,719 --> 00:04:06,087
Of course not. It's a playdate.
You're not marrying her.
106
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Alan.
107
00:04:07,390 --> 00:04:10,224
Yes, we should share
everything we can--
108
00:04:10,226 --> 00:04:12,360
our toys, our books, our...
109
00:04:12,362 --> 00:04:13,795
sausage links.
110
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ALAN:
If I could move
111
00:04:15,331 --> 00:04:18,132
my neck, I'd give you such
a look right now.
112
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The lesson is
that we should all share.
113
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Okay. I got to poop.
114
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Whoa! Whoa, what are you doing?
115
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Sharing.
116
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No. No, that's taking!
117
00:04:30,413 --> 00:04:33,581
That's my job in this house!
118
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♪ Men. ♪
119
00:04:35,318 --> 00:04:36,550
So what's the deal?
120
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Pinched nerve?
Slipped disk?
121
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The official diagnosis?
You're old.
122
00:04:41,691 --> 00:04:44,225
Very funny. I'd like
a second opinion.
123
00:04:44,227 --> 00:04:46,861
All right,
you're also out of shape.
124
00:04:46,863 --> 00:04:48,896
Come on, I'm in decent shape
for my age.
125
00:04:48,898 --> 00:04:50,297
Eh...
126
00:04:51,299 --> 00:04:53,200
Look, Alan, when you get
to be our age,
127
00:04:53,202 --> 00:04:54,535
you get a little more fragile.
128
00:04:54,537 --> 00:04:55,903
You-you don't
bounce back as easily.
129
00:04:55,905 --> 00:04:57,771
The only thing
that bounces back is that belly
130
00:04:57,773 --> 00:04:59,807
when I poke it.
(chuckles)
131
00:04:59,809 --> 00:05:01,508
Stop it.
132
00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:03,610
I used to be
in the same boat as you.
133
00:05:03,612 --> 00:05:05,112
Then I found
this awesome new gym,
134
00:05:05,114 --> 00:05:06,980
put myself
on a regular workout program.
135
00:05:06,982 --> 00:05:09,416
Now I'm in the best shape
of my life.
136
00:05:09,418 --> 00:05:11,018
Surprised you didn't notice.
137
00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:13,120
Oh. Oh, yeah.
You, uh... you look great.
138
00:05:13,122 --> 00:05:16,190
It's too late, Alan.
The damage has been done.
139
00:05:16,192 --> 00:05:17,958
You should come down
and work out with me.
140
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,760
It's, uh, nothing
but hot women in yoga pants
141
00:05:19,762 --> 00:05:21,562
as far as the eye can see.
142
00:05:21,564 --> 00:05:23,730
Sure, it's a little creepy
if you look right at 'em,
143
00:05:23,732 --> 00:05:27,034
but, uh, there are mirrors
everywhere.
144
00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:28,669
Yeah. I guess I could break out
145
00:05:28,671 --> 00:05:31,038
the old headband
and leg warmers.
146
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,206
Great. Hey, uh,
since I got you here,
147
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,943
it's, uh... it's been a year
since your last prostate exam.
148
00:05:35,945 --> 00:05:37,377
Oh, no.
149
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,280
If it makes you feel any better,
you get a lollipop afterwards.
150
00:05:40,282 --> 00:05:43,350
Well, I've done a lot more
for a lot less.
151
00:05:46,287 --> 00:05:49,156
♪ Men. ♪
152
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,461
Aw.
Aw.
153
00:05:54,463 --> 00:05:56,129
It's like the eye
of a hurricane.
154
00:05:56,131 --> 00:05:57,731
It's eerily quiet now,
but in an hour
155
00:05:57,733 --> 00:06:00,901
everything will be broken
and wet.
156
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:04,704
Well, at least I'm not the
only one who falls asleep
157
00:06:04,706 --> 00:06:07,207
when cute girls
are around.
158
00:06:07,209 --> 00:06:10,343
Aw. Thanks so much
for having us.
159
00:06:10,345 --> 00:06:11,611
I'm very impressed
with this spread.
160
00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:14,280
What kind of cheese is this?
161
00:06:14,282 --> 00:06:16,116
Uh...
162
00:06:16,118 --> 00:06:18,184
okay, I have to confess.
163
00:06:18,186 --> 00:06:20,387
They're Lunchables.
164
00:06:21,322 --> 00:06:22,756
That's the yellow cheese,
165
00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:25,859
but I also have the orange
and the white.
166
00:06:25,861 --> 00:06:29,863
No. No, thanks. I'm gonna save
room for the Fruit Roll-Up.
167
00:06:29,865 --> 00:06:31,764
So tell me,
168
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:34,601
how is it that a guy like you
is not already married
169
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,570
to some-- I don't know--
gorgeous swimsuit model?
170
00:06:37,572 --> 00:06:41,374
Okay, you obviously haven't seen
Alan in a Speedo.
171
00:06:41,376 --> 00:06:43,343
I'm-I'm serious.
172
00:06:43,345 --> 00:06:46,245
You're sweet, you're
good-looking, you're successful.
173
00:06:46,247 --> 00:06:48,548
What the hell is wrong with you?
174
00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:51,851
Okay. I've been told...
175
00:06:51,853 --> 00:06:54,654
that I listen too much.
176
00:06:55,823 --> 00:06:57,757
Which is a common problem
177
00:06:57,759 --> 00:07:00,326
among men
whose penises are too large.
178
00:07:00,328 --> 00:07:02,228
(snorts)
179
00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:05,131
Uh, well, I-I also have this...
180
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,634
this teeny, tiny quirk
where, uh,
181
00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:12,238
I screw up relationships as soon
as they start going well.
182
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,840
Oh. That's encouraging.
183
00:07:14,842 --> 00:07:16,842
Oh, oh. No, no, no.
But don't worry, uh,
184
00:07:16,844 --> 00:07:18,678
'cause this isn't going well
at all.
185
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,013
Well, I'm glad
to hear you say that
186
00:07:21,015 --> 00:07:24,016
'cause... I was
about to leave.
187
00:07:24,018 --> 00:07:26,952
Oh.
188
00:07:26,954 --> 00:07:28,888
Mmm, okay.
That-that kind of behavior
189
00:07:28,890 --> 00:07:30,523
can get you put in time-out.
190
00:07:30,525 --> 00:07:34,093
(chuckles)
Time-outs don't work on me.
191
00:07:34,095 --> 00:07:36,729
I need to be spanked.
192
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,433
(chuckles)
193
00:07:41,435 --> 00:07:45,004
Looks like someone needs
to be sent to my room.
194
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,745
Wow. Look at the Lululemons
on her.
195
00:07:53,546 --> 00:07:55,114
Did I tell you
or did I tell you?
196
00:07:55,116 --> 00:07:56,348
Yeah.
Be cool, though.
197
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,617
Getting tagged as a lurker
is a hard label to shake.
198
00:07:58,619 --> 00:08:00,219
So I've heard.
199
00:08:00,221 --> 00:08:01,787
Oh, oh, check
out the redhead.
200
00:08:01,789 --> 00:08:03,522
Her shorts say "Juicy."
201
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,123
If our garments
are being honest,
202
00:08:05,125 --> 00:08:07,659
mine would say "Aroused."
(chuckles)
203
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:10,250
Ooh, look at the blonde
on the yoga ball.
204
00:08:10,251 --> 00:08:13,098
Mmm, bouncy, bouncy,
bouncy...
205
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:14,700
Lyndsey?
206
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,101
Alan.
207
00:08:16,103 --> 00:08:17,569
How did I not recognize her?
208
00:08:17,571 --> 00:08:19,838
I've got to look
at more faces.
209
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,440
I didn't know
you were a member here.
210
00:08:22,208 --> 00:08:23,342
Herb.
211
00:08:23,344 --> 00:08:25,077
I see they've reinstated
your membership.
212
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:27,212
The appeals process
was arduous,
213
00:08:27,214 --> 00:08:30,115
but, ultimately,
justice was served.
214
00:08:30,117 --> 00:08:31,883
So, uh, how's everything?
215
00:08:31,885 --> 00:08:33,351
Good. I'm sober again.
216
00:08:33,353 --> 00:08:34,853
I traded booze for exercise.
217
00:08:34,855 --> 00:08:37,989
You know, whenever I want a
drink, I come here instead.
218
00:08:37,991 --> 00:08:40,659
Good thing this place
is open 24 hours.
219
00:08:40,661 --> 00:08:43,061
Well, I'm really happy for you.
You look great.
220
00:08:43,930 --> 00:08:45,330
I also think
you look great.
221
00:08:45,332 --> 00:08:47,232
In fact,
as a medical professional,
222
00:08:47,234 --> 00:08:49,434
my opinion is "wowza."
223
00:08:49,436 --> 00:08:51,703
Thanks. Anyway, I got to go.
224
00:08:51,705 --> 00:08:53,338
It's time for my spin class.
225
00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:55,440
Oh, so, uh...
so you went from a-a room
226
00:08:55,442 --> 00:08:58,376
that was spinning
to a room for spinning.
227
00:08:58,378 --> 00:08:59,577
(chuckles)
228
00:08:59,579 --> 00:09:01,279
You know... glug,
glug, glug, glug.
229
00:09:01,281 --> 00:09:04,783
(dizzy, retching sounds)
230
00:09:04,785 --> 00:09:05,984
(chuckles)
231
00:09:05,986 --> 00:09:07,185
Anyway, great seeing you.
232
00:09:07,187 --> 00:09:08,920
Yeah.
233
00:09:08,922 --> 00:09:11,523
I missed this.
234
00:09:11,525 --> 00:09:12,957
Wow, she looks amazing.
235
00:09:12,959 --> 00:09:14,759
Did you see how flat
her stomach is?
236
00:09:14,761 --> 00:09:16,594
She's always had great abs.
All that dry heaving
237
00:09:16,596 --> 00:09:18,196
gives you a hell
of a six-pack.
238
00:09:18,198 --> 00:09:20,198
So, uh, you two are over?
239
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,667
Oh, yeah. You know,
it's complicated with me
240
00:09:22,669 --> 00:09:24,535
and Walden and Louis.
Plus, you know, I don't know
241
00:09:24,537 --> 00:09:27,171
that Lyndsey and I were
ever really good for each other.
242
00:09:27,173 --> 00:09:29,207
Kind of like me and lactose.
243
00:09:29,209 --> 00:09:30,708
That's too bad.
Mmm.
244
00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:32,343
Mind if I take a crack at her?
245
00:09:32,345 --> 00:09:33,811
What?
246
00:09:33,813 --> 00:09:35,046
You two aren't together anymore.
247
00:09:35,048 --> 00:09:39,484
Maybe the cure for what ails her
is a little Herb-Al essence.
248
00:09:39,486 --> 00:09:41,786
Dude, you already married
my ex-wife,
249
00:09:41,788 --> 00:09:43,921
you moved into my house,
and earlier today
250
00:09:43,923 --> 00:09:45,890
you had your finger halfway
to my liver.
251
00:09:46,892 --> 00:09:48,693
Maybe we share enough as it is.
252
00:09:48,695 --> 00:09:50,795
Okay, I get it. Bro code.
253
00:09:50,797 --> 00:09:52,163
Thank you.
254
00:09:52,165 --> 00:09:56,367
Just so you know, that exam
was no picnic for me, either.
255
00:09:58,704 --> 00:10:00,971
(moaning softly)
256
00:10:00,973 --> 00:10:02,606
Did you hear that?
257
00:10:02,608 --> 00:10:04,809
I think it was the
kids downstairs.
258
00:10:04,811 --> 00:10:06,644
What kids?
(chuckles)
259
00:10:06,646 --> 00:10:08,079
Oh.
(chuckles)
260
00:10:08,081 --> 00:10:10,314
You're right.
It was probably nothing.
261
00:10:10,316 --> 00:10:12,283
(grunting)
262
00:10:14,719 --> 00:10:17,788
Oh, wait. What if one of them
walks in on us?
263
00:10:17,790 --> 00:10:19,423
I had a hard enough time
explaining
264
00:10:19,425 --> 00:10:20,991
where milk comes from.
265
00:10:20,993 --> 00:10:23,160
Do you want to lock the door?
266
00:10:23,162 --> 00:10:25,362
Yes.
267
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,701
(chuckles)
268
00:10:30,703 --> 00:10:33,771
Mmm. Oh, no, no, no.
269
00:10:33,773 --> 00:10:35,072
What if there's an emergency?
270
00:10:35,074 --> 00:10:36,473
What if they need
to come get us?
271
00:10:36,475 --> 00:10:38,509
What-what... what if
there's a burglar or a fire,
272
00:10:38,511 --> 00:10:41,044
or a burglar who sets a fire
as a distraction?
273
00:10:41,046 --> 00:10:42,346
Oh, no, no.
274
00:10:42,348 --> 00:10:43,414
(laughs)
275
00:10:43,416 --> 00:10:45,849
Not on my watch!
276
00:10:45,851 --> 00:10:47,885
Oh, my God, you're adorable.
277
00:10:47,887 --> 00:10:50,120
But if you can't stop worrying
all the time,
278
00:10:50,122 --> 00:10:52,422
you're never gonna
have sex again.
279
00:10:52,424 --> 00:10:54,625
Oh, my God.
280
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,362
I'm never gonna have sex again.
281
00:10:58,364 --> 00:11:00,731
You're used
to single-people sex.
282
00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:04,067
That's a luxurious four-course
meal at a fine restaurant.
283
00:11:04,069 --> 00:11:06,570
Parent sex is a drive-through.
284
00:11:06,572 --> 00:11:08,038
Get in, get out,
285
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,552
hope you don't get anything
on your shirt.
286
00:11:09,576 --> 00:11:10,375
Oh.
287
00:11:10,376 --> 00:11:13,210
Looks like your order
just got supersized.
288
00:11:13,212 --> 00:11:15,045
(laughs)
289
00:11:15,047 --> 00:11:18,181
(moaning)
290
00:11:18,183 --> 00:11:19,783
LOUIS:
Walden?
291
00:11:19,785 --> 00:11:22,185
Yes! Coming! Right there!
292
00:11:22,187 --> 00:11:24,254
Oh, God, are you okay?
293
00:11:24,256 --> 00:11:28,024
I'm fine. Good news is,
you finally got my bra off.
294
00:11:28,026 --> 00:11:30,427
♪ Men. ♪
295
00:11:36,523 --> 00:11:38,024
♪ Men. ♪
296
00:11:38,026 --> 00:11:39,525
Morning.
297
00:11:39,527 --> 00:11:41,060
Morning. Where's Louis?
298
00:11:41,062 --> 00:11:42,528
I sent him to take a bath.
299
00:11:42,530 --> 00:11:45,398
Oh, by the way, if you want
syrup on your French toast,
300
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,066
catch him before
he hits the water.
301
00:11:47,068 --> 00:11:48,501
No. No French toast for me.
302
00:11:48,503 --> 00:11:50,203
I'm hitting the gym
a little later.
303
00:11:50,205 --> 00:11:54,173
Oh, uh, by the way,
the beach is that way.
304
00:11:55,209 --> 00:11:56,876
Oh, look at that.
305
00:11:56,878 --> 00:12:00,079
Uh, my fitness band says
that my pulse rate is 87.
306
00:12:00,081 --> 00:12:02,949
Tell me when it
gets to zero.
307
00:12:02,951 --> 00:12:04,450
Yeah, joke all you want,
308
00:12:04,452 --> 00:12:06,953
but this little gizmo tracks
all my physical activity.
309
00:12:06,955 --> 00:12:10,156
So far today, I have burned...
400 calories.
310
00:12:10,158 --> 00:12:11,891
Oh, wow. Did you go for a run?
311
00:12:11,893 --> 00:12:13,426
Nope, never left my bed.
312
00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:15,628
Oh, come on!
313
00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:18,297
So, how was your playdate
with Laurel?
314
00:12:18,299 --> 00:12:21,567
Okay, let-let me...
let me ask you guys something.
315
00:12:21,569 --> 00:12:24,703
When you had young kids, and
they were still in the house,
316
00:12:24,705 --> 00:12:28,274
did you have a hard time,
like... you know...
317
00:12:28,276 --> 00:12:31,844
♪ Bow chicka wow wow? ♪
318
00:12:31,846 --> 00:12:35,481
Oh. Oh, well, Jake walked in on
Judith and me countless times.
319
00:12:35,483 --> 00:12:37,983
Eventually, we stopped
having sex altogether.
320
00:12:39,252 --> 00:12:41,286
Those aren't related.
321
00:12:41,288 --> 00:12:43,022
I just...
I don't know what to do.
322
00:12:43,024 --> 00:12:46,225
It's like, Louis is stealing
your sausage and blocking mine.
323
00:12:46,227 --> 00:12:48,293
Well, sooner or later,
you just get over it.
324
00:12:48,295 --> 00:12:50,629
Uh, but in the meantime,
why don't you take her out
325
00:12:50,631 --> 00:12:52,364
for a romantic night to a hotel?
326
00:12:52,366 --> 00:12:55,000
Oh. I like that.
327
00:12:55,002 --> 00:12:57,136
Plus, people do all kinds
of things in hotels
328
00:12:57,138 --> 00:12:58,270
they don't do at home.
329
00:12:58,272 --> 00:13:01,006
Like pay eight dollars
for peanuts.
330
00:13:01,008 --> 00:13:04,209
I used to love
to have sex in hotel rooms.
331
00:13:04,211 --> 00:13:06,545
Then they caught me,
and they fired me.
332
00:13:09,148 --> 00:13:11,550
♪ Men. ♪
333
00:13:19,726 --> 00:13:22,127
Do you want to work in?
334
00:13:22,129 --> 00:13:23,328
What?
335
00:13:24,263 --> 00:13:25,964
Oh, oh, uh, work in, yeah.
336
00:13:25,966 --> 00:13:27,399
Uh, definitely want to work in.
337
00:13:27,401 --> 00:13:29,134
Why else would I be
sitting here?
338
00:13:29,136 --> 00:13:31,403
Thanks. (laughs)
No problem.
339
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,274
Just, uh, show you
the proper technique.
340
00:13:36,276 --> 00:13:38,844
Mm.
341
00:13:38,846 --> 00:13:40,812
Here we go. (sighs)
342
00:13:40,814 --> 00:13:42,380
(laughs)
343
00:13:43,215 --> 00:13:45,550
(grunting)
344
00:13:46,953 --> 00:13:48,586
Aah! Oh, aah.
345
00:13:48,588 --> 00:13:50,455
Bum shoulder. Yeah.
346
00:13:51,390 --> 00:13:53,625
Got it the last Iron Man.
347
00:13:53,627 --> 00:13:56,127
The movie, not the triathlon.
348
00:13:56,129 --> 00:13:58,596
I slipped in the lobby
on some artificial butter.
349
00:13:58,598 --> 00:13:59,731
Oh.
350
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:01,809
There we go,
lighten the load, and, uh...
351
00:14:02,335 --> 00:14:03,768
One time, here we go.
352
00:14:03,770 --> 00:14:05,937
(laughs)
353
00:14:09,008 --> 00:14:11,442
(groaning)
354
00:14:11,444 --> 00:14:12,810
(passes gas)
355
00:14:12,812 --> 00:14:14,612
Oh, God!
356
00:14:17,416 --> 00:14:19,884
Nice meeting you!
357
00:14:20,719 --> 00:14:21,986
Hey, Alan.
358
00:14:21,988 --> 00:14:23,554
Oh. Oh, hey,
Lyndsey. Oh, hey.
359
00:14:23,556 --> 00:14:24,789
Yeah, I was just, uh...
360
00:14:24,791 --> 00:14:26,524
I was just doing the,
uh, the fly machine.
361
00:14:26,526 --> 00:14:28,526
You know, working out.
362
00:14:28,528 --> 00:14:30,228
You're really committing
to this workout thing.
363
00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:31,496
I'm impressed.
364
00:14:31,498 --> 00:14:34,065
I know. I haven't been anyplace
two days in a row
365
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:36,100
since Jersey Boys was touring.
366
00:14:36,102 --> 00:14:39,003
Where's Herb?
Uh, in the office.
367
00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:41,272
He got all excited about
an outbreak of pinkeye.
368
00:14:41,274 --> 00:14:43,908
When kids see pink,
Herb sees green.
369
00:14:43,910 --> 00:14:45,142
Well, tell him I said "hi."
370
00:14:45,144 --> 00:14:46,210
Oh, I don't know
371
00:14:46,212 --> 00:14:47,878
if that's such
a great idea.
372
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:48,913
What do you mean?
373
00:14:48,915 --> 00:14:50,514
Well, get this.
374
00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:52,350
Uh, after we saw you
the other day,
375
00:14:52,352 --> 00:14:55,453
he wanted to know
if it was okay to ask you out.
376
00:14:55,455 --> 00:14:57,321
But don't worry. I told him no.
377
00:14:57,323 --> 00:14:59,790
What?
378
00:14:59,792 --> 00:15:02,193
You have no right
to decide who I go out with.
379
00:15:02,195 --> 00:15:04,161
Oh, come on, Lyndsey.
I mean, how would you feel
380
00:15:04,163 --> 00:15:06,430
if one of your friends wanted
to go out with me?
381
00:15:06,432 --> 00:15:10,668
Shocked, stunned,
like I need new friends.
382
00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:12,336
Look, I am just trying to help.
383
00:15:12,338 --> 00:15:13,571
You just got sober.
384
00:15:13,573 --> 00:15:15,406
I mean, before you move
onto somebody else,
385
00:15:15,408 --> 00:15:17,107
you should probably
get over your breakup
386
00:15:17,109 --> 00:15:18,475
with Captain Morgan.
387
00:15:18,477 --> 00:15:19,777
Are you freaking kidding me?!
388
00:15:19,779 --> 00:15:22,413
If I want to go out with Herb,
it is none of your business.
389
00:15:22,415 --> 00:15:24,748
In fact, nothing I do
is any of your business!
390
00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:26,884
Just stay the hell
out of my life!
391
00:15:30,121 --> 00:15:31,955
Roid rage.
392
00:15:31,957 --> 00:15:33,957
(laughs)
393
00:15:33,959 --> 00:15:36,126
Phew.
394
00:15:38,129 --> 00:15:40,197
♪ Men. ♪
395
00:15:40,199 --> 00:15:43,267
(laughing):
Okay.
396
00:15:43,269 --> 00:15:46,069
This was officially
a great idea.
397
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,172
Did you like the way
I checked us in?
398
00:15:48,174 --> 00:15:50,807
Mr. and Mrs. R. Doinit?
399
00:15:50,809 --> 00:15:53,377
Um, I like to go
by my maiden name--
400
00:15:53,379 --> 00:15:55,045
Gettin' Some.
401
00:15:55,047 --> 00:15:57,214
Hey, check this out.
402
00:15:58,049 --> 00:15:59,616
(laughs)
403
00:15:59,618 --> 00:16:02,653
I just walked across the floor
without stepping on a Lego.
404
00:16:02,655 --> 00:16:04,020
(gasps)
405
00:16:04,022 --> 00:16:05,722
Look, there's chocolate
on the pillows,
406
00:16:05,724 --> 00:16:07,791
and it's not even in the shape
of a handprint.
407
00:16:07,793 --> 00:16:10,427
Oh. Get over here, woman.
Uh-uh.
408
00:16:10,429 --> 00:16:12,462
No, no. I've got
a surprise for you.
409
00:16:12,464 --> 00:16:13,864
A surprise?
410
00:16:13,866 --> 00:16:15,398
Mm-hmm.
Yay! What is it?
411
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,867
Oh, I'll give you a hint.
412
00:16:16,869 --> 00:16:22,505
It's lacy, it's new, and you get
to bite the tags off.
413
00:16:22,507 --> 00:16:24,641
If it's big enough
to have tags on it,
414
00:16:24,643 --> 00:16:25,942
I already don't like it.
415
00:16:27,044 --> 00:16:29,679
♪ Men. ♪
416
00:16:29,681 --> 00:16:32,315
(doorbell ringing)
417
00:16:32,317 --> 00:16:35,518
Alan, what are you doing here?
418
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,254
Well, I felt bad about earlier,
and I wanted to apologize.
419
00:16:38,256 --> 00:16:39,522
These are for you.
420
00:16:39,524 --> 00:16:41,691
For me, huh?
421
00:16:43,694 --> 00:16:46,429
"Mr. Schmidt, thank you so much
for your generous donation
422
00:16:46,431 --> 00:16:48,031
to the children's hospital."
423
00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:50,700
Um, I-I did not see that.
424
00:16:51,869 --> 00:16:53,803
HERB:
Is that the pizza guy?
425
00:16:57,908 --> 00:16:59,175
Herb?
426
00:16:59,177 --> 00:17:00,610
Alan, what are you doing here?
427
00:17:00,612 --> 00:17:03,746
What are you doing here, and...
and why are you wearing my robe?
428
00:17:03,748 --> 00:17:06,482
I'll let you guys talk.
429
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:09,919
Alan, you showing up here
is the second best thing
430
00:17:09,921 --> 00:17:12,922
that's happened to me today.
431
00:17:14,892 --> 00:17:16,425
What the hell, Herb?
432
00:17:16,427 --> 00:17:19,095
Believe me, I had no intention
of going behind your back,
433
00:17:19,097 --> 00:17:21,497
but out of nowhere, Lyndsey
invited me over for dinner,
434
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,266
and I thought,
"What's the harm?"
435
00:17:23,268 --> 00:17:24,734
Well, then, dinner
turned into dessert,
436
00:17:24,736 --> 00:17:28,938
and dessert turned into,
well, sex with Lyndsey.
437
00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:30,539
This hurts, Herb.
438
00:17:30,541 --> 00:17:32,208
Yesterday you were
tickling my prostate,
439
00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:34,276
and today you're
stabbing me in the back.
440
00:17:34,278 --> 00:17:35,711
Hey, it's your fault.
441
00:17:35,713 --> 00:17:37,012
You made me forbidden fruit.
442
00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:42,051
I was off-limits,
like dancing in Footloose.
443
00:17:42,053 --> 00:17:44,186
Look, I'm sorry
it happened like this.
444
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,622
And, well, if you want me
to stop seeing her,
445
00:17:46,624 --> 00:17:48,557
just say the word,
and it's over.
446
00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:49,792
LYNDSEY:
Herb?
447
00:17:49,794 --> 00:17:51,227
Well, you had your chance.
448
00:17:58,635 --> 00:18:01,070
What do you think?
449
00:18:01,072 --> 00:18:02,905
It's horrible. Take it off.
450
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,240
(laughs)
451
00:18:05,041 --> 00:18:07,676
Oh!
Ooh!
452
00:18:09,312 --> 00:18:10,946
(phone chirps)
453
00:18:10,948 --> 00:18:13,215
No!
(laughs)
454
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,616
It's okay. Get it.
455
00:18:14,618 --> 00:18:16,485
(sighs)
456
00:18:17,987 --> 00:18:19,688
Okay, babysitter wants to know
457
00:18:19,690 --> 00:18:21,883
if Lily can have ice cream
for dessert.
458
00:18:21,907 --> 00:18:22,692
(laughs)
459
00:18:22,693 --> 00:18:26,128
"Don't care. Getting laid."
460
00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:27,629
(mutters)
461
00:18:27,631 --> 00:18:29,164
No, I just wrote "Yes."
462
00:18:29,166 --> 00:18:30,599
(laughter)
463
00:18:30,601 --> 00:18:33,669
Oh, hey, you know, next time, we
should just get one babysitter,
464
00:18:33,671 --> 00:18:36,972
and then Louis can sleep
over with Lily at my house,
465
00:18:36,974 --> 00:18:40,042
and I can sleep over
with you at your house.
466
00:18:40,044 --> 00:18:42,210
Yeah, maybe.
467
00:18:43,212 --> 00:18:45,080
Wait, wait,
whoa, hold on.
468
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,516
Do you not want there
to be a next time?
469
00:18:47,518 --> 00:18:49,785
I mean, please
reserve your judgment
470
00:18:49,787 --> 00:18:51,353
until after the
first time.
471
00:18:51,355 --> 00:18:53,255
(laughs)
I rarely
472
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:56,424
disappoint a woman sexually
before we have sex.
473
00:18:56,426 --> 00:19:00,662
No, it's just...
all kids have their differences.
474
00:19:00,664 --> 00:19:03,899
But I don't want to talk
about Louis and Lily right now.
475
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:06,134
In fact, I don't want
to talk at all.
476
00:19:06,136 --> 00:19:08,970
I got better things
to do with my mouth.
477
00:19:10,239 --> 00:19:12,073
Wait a second.
Wait a second. Hold on.
478
00:19:12,075 --> 00:19:14,142
Wait. Louis and Lily
don't get along?
479
00:19:14,144 --> 00:19:15,443
Well, you know how kids are.
480
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,579
One week, they like each other;
the next, they don't.
481
00:19:17,581 --> 00:19:19,647
So Louis doesn't like to share.
482
00:19:19,649 --> 00:19:21,383
Lucky for you, I do.
483
00:19:21,385 --> 00:19:23,718
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
484
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,420
Louis does not have
a problem sharing.
485
00:19:25,422 --> 00:19:29,190
In fact, I just talked to him
specifically about sharing.
486
00:19:29,192 --> 00:19:32,427
I'm sorry. Lily must
have made it up.
487
00:19:32,429 --> 00:19:34,829
That's probably it. Okay.
488
00:19:34,831 --> 00:19:36,431
Wait a second.
489
00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:39,200
So you're okay
with saying that Lily's a liar,
490
00:19:39,202 --> 00:19:41,169
but you can't admit
that Louis has issues?
491
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:43,204
(laughs)
Oh. Okay, hold on.
492
00:19:43,206 --> 00:19:45,940
I think I would know
if my son has issues.
493
00:19:45,942 --> 00:19:47,342
Right, 'cause
you've been a parent
494
00:19:47,344 --> 00:19:48,676
for all of, what, two weeks?
495
00:19:48,678 --> 00:19:51,846
Two and a half.
(sighs)
496
00:19:51,848 --> 00:19:53,548
And fancy you
lecturing me.
497
00:19:53,550 --> 00:19:55,283
The mother of
Lily the biter.
498
00:19:55,285 --> 00:19:57,151
What? Lily's not a biter.
499
00:19:57,153 --> 00:19:59,821
All the other parents
call her "Lily-goat."
500
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,390
You know what?
This was a bad idea.
501
00:20:02,392 --> 00:20:03,991
Oh, yeah, it was...
502
00:20:03,993 --> 00:20:06,360
(bleating):
baa-aa-aa-aa-aad.
503
00:20:06,362 --> 00:20:08,496
That was a sheep.
504
00:20:09,665 --> 00:20:12,099
And if this is how
you talk to women in bed,
505
00:20:12,101 --> 00:20:14,135
then no wonder
you had to marry Alan.
506
00:20:14,137 --> 00:20:17,605
(gasps) You will leave my husband
out of this!
507
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:19,874
You don't even know
what you're missing.
508
00:20:19,876 --> 00:20:22,676
You were about to have
the hottest sex of your life!
509
00:20:22,678 --> 00:20:24,111
Oh, oh, easy for you to say
510
00:20:24,113 --> 00:20:25,913
since you don't have
to back it up.
511
00:20:25,915 --> 00:20:28,282
Oh, you want me to back it up?!
'Cause I'll back it up!
512
00:20:28,284 --> 00:20:30,284
Yeah, back it on up!
513
00:20:30,286 --> 00:20:31,585
Oh, what, are we gonna have sex?
514
00:20:31,587 --> 00:20:33,521
Shut up!
Oh...
515
00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,055
(yelps, chuckles)
516
00:20:35,057 --> 00:20:37,458
Okay, I see where Lily
gets her biting.
517
00:20:45,487 --> 00:20:47,021
♪ Men. ♪
518
00:20:47,023 --> 00:20:50,057
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
519
00:20:50,059 --> 00:20:51,726
(exhales)
520
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:55,563
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
521
00:20:55,565 --> 00:20:57,765
(panting)
522
00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:01,592
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
523
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:10,263
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man