1
00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:00,950
That sounds great,

2
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,790
Do you think it's worth asking if
there's a one-bed nearer the beach?

3
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,130
Oh. Here he is, Let me drop him home,
then we can chat about it when I get back.

4
00:00:07,180 --> 00:00:12,130
~ Change of Plan! How
about we go the airport?
~ Can I call you back?

5
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,450
~ And put your foot down.
~ I'm not taking you the airport.

6
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,750
I'm going to Gemma's house
to look at flats for Australia.

7
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:19,170
~ Stop being so weird.
~ Fine. Give us your clothes.

8
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,010
Do you remember earlier on today

9
00:00:21,060 --> 00:00:23,610
when I asked you to stop
being so weird?

10
00:00:23,660 --> 00:00:25,050
I'll give you a grand for them.

11
00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:28,420
No, you won't, Jason, because
a grand means a thousand.

12
00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:32,330
How the hell do you have so much...

13
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,130
~ Oh, my God! Jason!
~ Probably your brake light, mate.

14
00:00:35,180 --> 00:00:37,770
Oh, my God! They've got guns!

15
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:39,570
~ Am I your getaway driver?
~ To be honest,

16
00:00:39,620 --> 00:00:41,170
you're more my getty-caught driver.

17
00:00:41,220 --> 00:00:44,010
~ I did say put your foot down!
~ Jason, why would you involve me in this?

18
00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:47,960
Mate, I'll take the full rap.
Like I'd ever get you in trouble.

19
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:51,500
You pigs come any closer,
my boy Luke starts shooting.

20
00:01:01,620 --> 00:01:04,130
You are not going to get
bummed to death.

21
00:01:04,180 --> 00:01:06,170
Sorry, but I work
in customer services.

22
00:01:06,220 --> 00:01:08,330
I've taken training modules
in empty promises.

23
00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:10,490
You're getting yourself
worked up over nothing.

24
00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:11,930
That just doesn't happen in here

25
00:01:11,980 --> 00:01:13,730
96% of the time.

26
00:01:13,780 --> 00:01:17,570
~ Just keep your head
down. You'll be fine.
~ Head down.

27
00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:18,930
Is that a tooth?

28
00:01:18,980 --> 00:01:21,370
No, it's probably just
a bit of skull.

29
00:01:21,420 --> 00:01:23,090
Look, we're not here to punish you.

30
00:01:23,140 --> 00:01:26,300
We always like to say it's more
of a school than a prison.

31
00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:30,170
So am I allowed out at weekends
to see my girlfriend?

32
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:34,210
~ More of a boarding school.
~ So we get holidays then?
~ Fine. It's a prison.

33
00:01:35,610 --> 00:01:36,610
Is that the lunch bell?

34
00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:39,050
Don't worry about that, love.
It's just a routine drill.

35
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,490
This is not a drill.
Repeat, this is not a drill.

36
00:01:41,540 --> 00:01:44,820
Isaac Turner missing
from morning headcount.

37
00:01:47,660 --> 00:01:49,210
For God's sake!

38
00:01:49,260 --> 00:01:51,290
~ Morning, boys.
~ Morning, Miss.

39
00:01:51,340 --> 00:01:53,280
Let Isaac out the bag.

40
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:04,180
~ How did he get...?
~ Just go.

41
00:02:05,260 --> 00:02:08,900
One of these days, they're going
to break that washing machine.

42
00:02:10,740 --> 00:02:14,050
Hey, what's up? You can tell
the guards absolutely anything.

43
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:16,490
Why did they put that kid in a bag?

44
00:02:16,540 --> 00:02:20,050
Isaac? The snitch. He tells
the guards absolutely anything.

45
00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:21,570
Big mistake in here.

46
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:23,930
How can you do that
to another human being?

47
00:02:23,980 --> 00:02:25,890
I think the trick is to
dislocate the pelvis

48
00:02:25,940 --> 00:02:28,810
because then you just
concertina right down.

49
00:02:31,580 --> 00:02:34,010
Any word on Isaac?
Have they found his body yet?

50
00:02:34,060 --> 00:02:37,010
Yeah, he's OK. They only
used an Eco Wash this time.

51
00:02:37,060 --> 00:02:39,330
Well done, Dawny. Lovely stuff.

52
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:44,210
Luke, this is Creg,
senior officer on our wing.

53
00:02:44,260 --> 00:02:47,330
~ Nice to meet you, Greg.
~ Creg. Have you got that, poppet?

54
00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:48,850
I was just explaining to Luke here,

55
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,650
it's unlikely he's going
to get bummed.

56
00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:52,850
Oh, I don't know. If he does
something with his hair,

57
00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:54,450
he might find the right guy.

58
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,650
Dawny, you might want to look
at your Facebook.

59
00:02:56,700 --> 00:02:58,130
I think it's been hacked.

60
00:02:58,180 --> 00:03:00,930
For some reason, I can't seem to
open your holiday photos any more.

61
00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:04,130
Oh, again? I'll call
Facebook tomorrow.

62
00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:07,580
I'm kicking myself. I left all
my print-outs at Mum's.

63
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,740
Right, here's your room - G15.

64
00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:20,370
~ Oh, this seems to be a
twin room, so who am I...?
~ Oi-oi, Lulu!

65
00:03:20,420 --> 00:03:24,770
~ Get off me! And it's Luke!
~ Does Mr Grumpy need a tickle?

66
00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:28,010
Which part of "I never want
to see you henceforth"

67
00:03:28,060 --> 00:03:29,530
did you not understand?

68
00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:33,450
~ Henceforth. Are you
still sulking about that?
~ Oh, no!

69
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:36,410
I'm absolutely thrilled that
you've managed to arrange me

70
00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:40,940
this two-year staycation
in a fucking bumatorium.

71
00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:46,770
There he is. There's that smile.
Come on! We're roomies!

72
00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:49,610
We're going to have the best cell
in this joint. The party cell.

73
00:03:49,660 --> 00:03:51,810
~ The Ministry of Lulu.
~ Still not my name!

74
00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:55,610
Who can be bothered to say Lu-u-uke?

75
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:57,930
Anyway, Lulu, isn't
this a great room?

76
00:03:57,980 --> 00:04:01,330
The two of us locked in here
together every single day.

77
00:04:01,380 --> 00:04:04,290
~ Just imagine the constant banter.
~ Go fuck yourself, Jason.

78
00:04:04,340 --> 00:04:06,050
And we're off!

79
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,730
Right, sorry to talk admin, yeah,

80
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:09,650
I've started drawing up
the wanking rota.

81
00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:12,980
~ Just give me two ticks.
~ Shotgun Thursday mornings!

82
00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:16,410
You can't make me stay with him.

83
00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:18,890
He's two sandwiches short of a...

84
00:04:18,940 --> 00:04:21,930
~ twin pack of sandwiches.
~ He described you as his "bezzie".

85
00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:25,010
He's not my bezzie.
He's my girlfriend's brother.

86
00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:27,050
Luke, it's not a Premier Inn.
I can't...

87
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,530
There must be someone else
you can put me with.

88
00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:31,610
A child murderer, maybe.

89
00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:33,090
Vernon Kay.

90
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,930
Don't get yourself into
a little tizzy. I'll do my best.

91
00:04:35,980 --> 00:04:38,770
Remember, head down.

92
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,930
Is that vomit?

93
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:44,180
I think it's actually
spinal fluid. OK.

94
00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:49,020
~ Jason!
~ What? Haven't
you seen the rota?

95
00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:59,450
~ Stoosh trainers, mate.
Really suit you.
~ Thank you.

96
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,690
~ I'll swap them for a Pepsi Max.
~ I beg your pardon?

97
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:04,970
You need to meet Black Elton John.
He's been in here 12 times.

98
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:07,530
~ He can literally get you anything.
~ That's not my name, mate.

99
00:05:07,580 --> 00:05:10,610
You've got to admit you look like
him. The Candle In The Bin guy.

100
00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:13,530
Let's not bother the nice man,
and it's "Wind". Candle In The Wind.

101
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:15,450
Why would you put a candle
in the wind?

102
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:16,930
It would just blow out.

103
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:18,610
That's why you put it in the bin.

104
00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:20,370
Are you going to buy something
or what?

105
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,130
Newbies normally go
for my welcome pack.

106
00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,970
Ten credits gets you a sock full
of Minstrels, a roll of satin Andrex

107
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:27,490
~ and six pages of Nuts magazine.
~ I'm not really interested,

108
00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:28,770
~ but thank you.
~ Fair enough.

109
00:05:28,820 --> 00:05:31,410
I can probably get you a copy of
Big Spunkers from somewhere?

110
00:05:31,460 --> 00:05:34,170
Oh, I need a nice thick duvet

111
00:05:34,220 --> 00:05:35,730
and a gun.

112
00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:38,770
A gun, Jason?
This isn't Ross Kemp On Gangs.

113
00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:40,690
You just let me know
and you guys'll be fine,

114
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,610
~ as long as you...
~ Find the biggest guy in here

115
00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:45,810
~ and kick his face off.
~ No, keep our heads down.

116
00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:47,410
I was going to say you'll be fine,

117
00:05:47,460 --> 00:05:50,090
~ as long as you don't sit
in Marcel's special seat.
~ Oi!

118
00:05:50,140 --> 00:05:53,530
~ Sorry, sorry, sorry.
~ Oh, that's Marcel!

119
00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:56,570
Apparently, they caught him with a
policeman's helmet in his glove box.

120
00:05:56,620 --> 00:05:57,970
It wasn't just the helmet.

121
00:05:58,020 --> 00:05:59,330
I heard it was the full penis.

122
00:05:59,380 --> 00:06:01,690
Sick! Let's go kick some face.

123
00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:06,250
No! Let's not do anything to
anyone's anything.

124
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:09,570
~ Ow!
~ Good thinking. Let's wait till
there's more people around

125
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:11,050
to see us kill him.

126
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:12,850
So what about that guv Dawn,
then, Lulu?

127
00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:14,810
She couldn't take her eyes
off my six-pack.

128
00:06:14,860 --> 00:06:17,010
~ You haven't got a six-pack.
~ I do when I'm squatting.

129
00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:19,210
~ Please stop talking.
~ Fine.

130
00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:21,010
When I bring her back
to the cell tonight,

131
00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:24,050
~ you need to make yourself scared.
~ It's "make yourself scarce"

132
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,130
and you've got, literally,
no chance with her.

133
00:06:26,180 --> 00:06:28,370
You may not, but some of us
have got the gift of the gob.

134
00:06:28,420 --> 00:06:31,050
~ Gab.
~ What was that brilliant line
I said to you before, Elt?

135
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,130
It was so good.

136
00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:36,500
Yeah, that Dawn is one screw
I'd really like to...

137
00:06:40,180 --> 00:06:42,050
~ Do go on.
~ .. shag!

138
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:43,610
Shag?

139
00:06:43,660 --> 00:06:47,610
Jason, screw!
A screw I want to screw!

140
00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:49,410
Why's that better?

141
00:06:49,460 --> 00:06:53,210
Dawn's a screw I really
want to screw!

142
00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:55,770
Well, that's never going to happen.

143
00:06:55,820 --> 00:07:00,050
He said it, not me!
I'm innocent, once again!

144
00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:02,570
That's a yellow card.
I'm very disappointed, Luke.

145
00:07:02,620 --> 00:07:05,290
~ We both are.
~ Anyway, your
girlfriend's here to see you,

146
00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:08,010
unless you want to stand here
chatting about my nether regions?

147
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:10,330
Catch you in a bit, yeah, Dawn?

148
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:23,850
~ Nice of her to say goodbye
to you in person.
~ What?

149
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:26,090
All these hot, lonely girlfriends.

150
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:28,730
At first, they just want
a man's shoulder to cry on

151
00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:31,050
and then, before you know it...

152
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:43,220
~ Thanks, Craig.
~ It's Creg. Clean your
fucking ears out, munchkin.

153
00:07:45,180 --> 00:07:46,900
Hello, you!

154
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:53,500
~ I've missed you so much.
~ I've missed you too.
Shall we take a...?
~ Yeah.

155
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:58,650
So, the airline wouldn't refund us
the Australia tickets,

156
00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:01,330
but it's cool. I've signed up to
a bunch of extra shifts, so...

157
00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:04,450
.. we can still get a couple
of shrimps on the barbie.

158
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:06,250
Oh, I thought we were going
to Australia?

159
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:08,730
Shut up! I've been practising that.

160
00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,900
~ Mum!
~ Sweetie!

161
00:08:19,340 --> 00:08:21,090
You get here OK, then?

162
00:08:21,140 --> 00:08:23,170
Yeah. Yeah, Roger dropped me.

163
00:08:23,220 --> 00:08:26,250
You are going to be fine, aren't you?

164
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,170
And you're going to look
after Jason, right,

165
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:31,260
~ because you know that
he can be a bit of a...
~ Dick!

166
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:42,570
~ Are you managing OK at home?
~ You know me. I'll cope.

167
00:08:42,620 --> 00:08:44,450
Could have done with you
the other night.

168
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:48,210
~ Bulb went in the kitchen.
~ Could it wait a couple of years?

169
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:51,260
~ Don't worry. Roger
came over and did it.
~ Cool.

170
00:08:53,580 --> 00:08:56,730
~ Is that a new top?
~ Yeah, I went Topshop last weekend.

171
00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:58,520
~ With Roger?
~ Yeah.

172
00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:04,080
Just one question.

173
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,300
Who the fuck is Roger...

174
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:14,260
~ .. babe?
~ Hey, stop being silly.
It's just Roger from the gym.

175
00:09:15,460 --> 00:09:19,250
Everything's going
to be bonzer, sport!

176
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:22,210
Here, mate! Swap you
a Creme Egg for them trainers.

177
00:09:22,260 --> 00:09:25,000
Might need a bit
of a wipe first, but...

178
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:30,930
Right, how much for a tattoo?

179
00:09:30,980 --> 00:09:35,010
I'm thinking upper arm -
Ministry of Lulu in Gothic script.

180
00:09:35,060 --> 00:09:36,570
~ Who's Roger?
~ Never heard of him.

181
00:09:36,620 --> 00:09:38,570
And then, obviously, I want a skull

182
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:41,410
~ on my face.
~ Gemma's going on
about some guy called Roger.

183
00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:45,490
~ Oh, you mean Gemma's Roger.
~ Yes.
~ Yeah, top bloke! He's proper jokes.

184
00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:49,170
He's got this amazing weed, as well.
It makes you so horny.

185
00:09:49,220 --> 00:09:50,970
~ Proper jokes.
~ The last time
I had some,

186
00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:54,290
~ I fired a condom right
the way across Nando's.
~ What?!

187
00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:56,850
And he always gave me loads
of the stuff for free,

188
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:59,370
so I don't tell Gemma
about this thing he did.

189
00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:04,570
Oh, my days, it's so dark.
Next level shit. The man's an animal.

190
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:07,010
If anyone knew, man! Wow!

191
00:10:07,060 --> 00:10:09,650
Would you tell me what he did?

192
00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:11,930
Obvs! I'd tell my roomie anything!

193
00:10:11,980 --> 00:10:14,810
What is the dirtiest thing
you can possibly do to a girl?

194
00:10:14,860 --> 00:10:16,530
~ Just tell me what he did.
~ Guess.

195
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:19,520
~ I don't know. Tell me.
~ Come on! Think filthy!

196
00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:22,570
~ Licking someone out?
~ Dawn.

197
00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:24,360
Licking Dawn out?

198
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:30,050
~ You're telling me that she's
behind me again, aren't you?
~ Nah, mate.

199
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,170
She's just to your right.

200
00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:38,170
You really are one sick puppy.
That's a red card for sex offences.

201
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,490
Category D - oral.

202
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,450
Meaning, you said it.

203
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:46,130
~ No phone credit for a week.
~ And I'm docking three wanks.

204
00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:49,090
I clearly shouldn't have bothered,
but I've managed to get you sorted

205
00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:53,500
~ with that single cell on D
wing. Come on, then, soft lad.
~ You what?

206
00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:57,370
I thought we were roomies.
I thought you were my friend.

207
00:10:57,420 --> 00:10:59,890
~ Why would you ask to...?
~ Quick, just tell me the Roger thing.

208
00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:03,090
~ What did he do?
~ Why would I even
tell you anything?

209
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,210
Don't you even look at me.

210
00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:15,050
I think there's been
some sort of mistake.

211
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:18,620
~ You specifically asked me...
~ Yes, to stay with my bezzie...

212
00:11:21,740 --> 00:11:23,880
.. in the Ministry of Lulu.

213
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:36,810
Just tell me what he did.

214
00:11:36,860 --> 00:11:40,210
Later. Some of us don't talk filthy
when there's ladies present.

215
00:11:40,260 --> 00:11:41,410
Glad I caught you, Dawn.

216
00:11:41,460 --> 00:11:43,690
I'm afraid I've had to move
the shifts around a bit.

217
00:11:43,740 --> 00:11:47,770
You'll be doing a late
tomorrow with me, I think.

218
00:11:47,820 --> 00:11:50,410
~ I can't. My sister's...
~ Don't worry. I've
already called her.

219
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:54,250
~ How did you...?
~ I'm sure she'll get a
refund on her plane ticket.

220
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:57,240
Shall I book us a table
somewhere after work?

221
00:11:59,140 --> 00:12:01,050
Yeah, I'll be right there.

222
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:03,730
So, can you just...?

223
00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:05,380
I've got to go.

224
00:12:11,620 --> 00:12:13,730
Oh, well, that's us in.
I'm sure you're busy,

225
00:12:13,780 --> 00:12:16,050
so if you wouldn't mind leaving us
to get settled...

226
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,570
Oh, he's a fun little fella,
isn't he? Your teddy bear?

227
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,210
Sam-Sam's not really a teddy bear.

228
00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:21,850
He's just a little souvenir
we bought

229
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:24,090
when we started saving up
for Australia.

230
00:12:24,140 --> 00:12:26,650
I actually thought his eyes
looked a bit like Gemma's and...

231
00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:30,330
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck
are you doing to his eyes?

232
00:12:30,380 --> 00:12:32,210
Could be used as weapons,
I'm afraid.

233
00:12:32,260 --> 00:12:34,210
Once you've fished
Igglepiggle's blanket

234
00:12:34,260 --> 00:12:36,460
out of a dead boy's throat...

235
00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:39,930
OK, phonecards.

236
00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:41,570
Looks like there's only one
for Jason.

237
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:43,770
I'll ask Dawn why you
don't have one, sausage.

238
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:47,250
I do hope you haven't upset her.
We're very close friends.

239
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:52,970
Oh, I mean, you know, I didn't
really want a phonecard anyway,

240
00:12:53,020 --> 00:12:55,610
so, you know, don't go to
any trouble on my account.

241
00:12:55,660 --> 00:12:58,060
~ Well, I will.
~ Please, don't.

242
00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:01,970
OK, I probably will.

243
00:13:02,020 --> 00:13:05,450
Right, I'll leave you
to cuddle your toys.

244
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,170
It's a souvenir.

245
00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:11,290
~ Jason, what did Roger do?
~ House-warming party tonight.

246
00:13:11,340 --> 00:13:14,810
What do you reckon? We'll put the
chill-out area there, DJ there,

247
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:18,010
vodka luge. You'll be over there
enjoying a little Sex On The Toilet.

248
00:13:18,060 --> 00:13:20,130
Please tell me that's the name
of a cocktail.

249
00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:22,010
Jason, what did Roger do?

250
00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:25,450
Party in G15 tonight, guys!
Someone bring a luge!

251
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:29,530
~ Jason! What did Roger do?
~ Who's Roger?
~ Gemma's Roger!

252
00:13:29,580 --> 00:13:33,530
Oh, OK. So, about six months ago
Roger goes to this house party,

253
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:36,410
get's completely mashup,
goes home with this girl

254
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:38,770
and she lets him activate 3G!

255
00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:42,380
~ Shit! Really?
~ Yeah!
~ Wow!

256
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:49,330
~ And what does that mean exactly?
~ 3G.

257
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:51,610
You know, when you shag a girl,
her mum and her gran.

258
00:13:51,660 --> 00:13:53,210
Three generations.

259
00:13:53,260 --> 00:13:56,090
~ That is...
~ Amazing!
~ Disgusting!

260
00:13:56,140 --> 00:14:00,410
What a pervert.
I need to tell Gemma.

261
00:14:00,460 --> 00:14:02,330
Shit. I'm not going to see her
till next week.

262
00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:03,890
~ Give me your phonecard.
~ I'd love to

263
00:14:03,940 --> 00:14:06,890
but I've already skibbed it
to Black Elton for six fags

264
00:14:06,940 --> 00:14:08,650
and a picture frame.

265
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:11,730
Un-skib it! De-skib it!
Reverse your skib.

266
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,250
That's not how it works inside.
You never go back on a deal.

267
00:14:14,300 --> 00:14:15,930
That's like the lowest of the low.

268
00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,330
It's like being a snitch or a nonce

269
00:14:18,380 --> 00:14:20,370
or Vernon Kay.

270
00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:22,250
Chat to Black Elton.
He's a reasonable guy.

271
00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:26,100
I'm sure you've got something
he'll swap a 50p phonecard for.

272
00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:34,090
Ah, g'day sport!

273
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:37,570
I was just thinking of you.
What have you been up to?

274
00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:41,690
Really. Feels like longer
than two hours ago.

275
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:44,490
No, no, no.
I just wanted a chat really.

276
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:46,680
What are you doing tonight?

277
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:51,010
Ah, Roger,

278
00:14:51,060 --> 00:14:53,130
Roger, Roger, Roger.

279
00:14:53,180 --> 00:14:55,530
What was someone saying to me
the other week about Roger?

280
00:14:55,580 --> 00:14:58,290
It was really quite shocking.
Jason's fine, yeah.

281
00:14:58,340 --> 00:15:01,010
Listen, about Roger, the thing,
it was really...

282
00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:04,290
No, they got us a room together.
Yeah.

283
00:15:04,340 --> 00:15:09,170
Listen, about Roger, because I don't
have a huge amount of phone credit,

284
00:15:09,220 --> 00:15:11,530
so I was talking about Roger...

285
00:15:11,580 --> 00:15:14,530
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

286
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,900
Stop talking because Roger fucked
a girl and her mum and her gran!

287
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:23,770
Oh, come on, that's not fair.
A telltale? Me?

288
00:15:23,820 --> 00:15:27,130
Reporting someone's wrongdoings
does not make me a snitch

289
00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:29,690
because he's done something bad,
probably illegal,

290
00:15:29,740 --> 00:15:32,410
and you expect me not
to inform anyone?

291
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:38,490
Well, I was just wrapping up anyway.

292
00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:50,930
I must get the recipe
for these nuggets.

293
00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:53,980
~ What would you
call this sauce?
~ That's ketchup.

294
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,170
I'm not going to stand for this.

295
00:15:57,220 --> 00:16:00,220
People out there thinking
my roomie's a snitch.

296
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:04,570
I'm just going to enjoy all
of this extra food.

297
00:16:04,620 --> 00:16:07,730
All of this snitch nonsense
will be over in ten minutes.

298
00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:12,050
Can I just say, so brave of you
coming out on your first day here.

299
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:15,380
~ You're a credit to
snitches everywhere.
~ I'm not a sn...

300
00:16:19,140 --> 00:16:20,690
OK, I know what we need to do.

301
00:16:20,740 --> 00:16:23,250
We need to find the biggest guy
in here and...

302
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:25,850
Yeah, yeah, yeah, kick his face off.

303
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:28,210
I was going to say,
"Become best friends with him,"

304
00:16:28,260 --> 00:16:30,930
but your idea's much better.
Beat the shit out of him.

305
00:16:30,980 --> 00:16:34,410
That sends out a clear message.
Nobody fucks with Lulu's mob.

306
00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:39,770
This isn't Avengers Assemble.
There's no such thing as Lulu's mob.

307
00:16:39,820 --> 00:16:42,050
OK, fine,

308
00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,770
but I need to know the
new gang name by Friday.

309
00:16:44,820 --> 00:16:46,290
Tattoo day.

310
00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:50,170
There's your man. Take him down
and, remember,

311
00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:54,410
~ punch upwards so his nose shoots
up and explodes his brain.
~ Get down.

312
00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:56,730
What would Gemma say if she knew
I let you get killed?

313
00:16:56,780 --> 00:17:00,010
I think she'd say, "You should
definitely listen to Jason's plan.

314
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:03,210
~ "He's a genius."
~ She wouldn't and what's wrong

315
00:17:03,260 --> 00:17:06,210
with keeping our heads down?

316
00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:09,730
Nothing, if you don't mind being that
guy's personal penis carriage.

317
00:17:09,780 --> 00:17:12,330
~ I can't look after you 9/11.
~ It's 24/7, mate.

318
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:16,660
~ That sounds more doable. Right,
fine, I'll do it myself, yeah?
~ No!

319
00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:23,610
Guys...

320
00:17:23,660 --> 00:17:25,000
Dudes...

321
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:28,210
Before this goes any further,

322
00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:30,170
there's been a huge
misunderstanding.

323
00:17:30,220 --> 00:17:32,570
There's no misunderstanding here.

324
00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:36,490
I just see a snitch who's
about to get chopped up

325
00:17:36,540 --> 00:17:37,970
and fed to his boyfriend.

326
00:17:38,020 --> 00:17:44,050
~ Before anyone starts chopping,
can I just explain myself?
~ I'm listening.

327
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:45,970
If the Volturi never listened,

328
00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:49,020
there were wouldn't be a vampire
left in Forks.

329
00:17:52,860 --> 00:17:57,530
~ Well, I'm not...
~ Hang on a minute. You're
not Team Jacob, are you?

330
00:17:57,580 --> 00:18:01,970
One of those dick-sniffing
werewolf lovers?

331
00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:03,850
No.

332
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,690
You've very much got me wrong
because Team Jacob,

333
00:18:06,740 --> 00:18:08,450
they're werewolves.

334
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:12,050
I mean, they're so unnecessarily
hairy and giving at all of that,

335
00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:16,610
"Oh." They're wankers.
They're idiots. No.

336
00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:19,610
Yeah, trust me, like, Bella
would never fancy a werewolf.

337
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:23,850
I mean, who wants a boyfriend
who can lick his own anus?

338
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:26,730
It's so good to meet another
Twilighter, man.

339
00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:28,250
You know, most of these lot

340
00:18:28,300 --> 00:18:31,460
couldn't even name me one member
of the Denali coven.

341
00:18:36,660 --> 00:18:38,060
Joyce.

342
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:43,770
I like you, man.

343
00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:47,970
You know what? I could do with
having someone like you on board.

344
00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:50,490
When I read me New Moons and that.

345
00:18:50,540 --> 00:18:56,850
Oh, you're replacing m-m-m-m....

346
00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,010
~ Yes, I'd love to.
~ All right, gay-time's over.

347
00:18:59,060 --> 00:19:00,490
Are you going to smack him or what?

348
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:04,010
No, can't I just talk to my new
best friend about our shared love

349
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:08,530
~ of the Twilight Saga?
~ Yeah.
~ Twilight? No, we hate Twilight.

350
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:11,170
What was that ting you always used
to say about Twilight?

351
00:19:11,220 --> 00:19:13,490
~ There was no ting.
~ Yes, there was.

352
00:19:13,540 --> 00:19:15,290
You said it was like eating dog shit,

353
00:19:15,340 --> 00:19:17,690
shitting out that shit
and robbing the new shit...

354
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,530
You betrayed me! Just like...

355
00:19:19,580 --> 00:19:22,490
Yeah, like the goblins betrayed
the monkeys, we get it, yeah?

356
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:25,410
~ You disrespected my best friend.
~ We're not really best friends.

357
00:19:25,460 --> 00:19:29,450
So, we are going to take you down.

358
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,770
~ You and the snitch?
~ My boy's not a snitch.

359
00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:34,650
~ Sex offender, maybe.
~ Just oral.

360
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:37,330
Fine. Ready when you are.

361
00:19:37,380 --> 00:19:41,890
Well, now is very awkward for us,
actually, because we've got a thing.

362
00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:44,090
~ You've got a thing?
~ Yes.
~ OK.

363
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:46,740
~ No problem, seven o'clock then.
~ Done!

364
00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:55,220
Cheerio!

365
00:19:57,060 --> 00:19:58,260
Fuck!

366
00:19:59,860 --> 00:20:01,600
We missed pudding.

367
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:09,930
~ Still worried about Roger?
~ I had actually forgotten about that.

368
00:20:09,980 --> 00:20:13,250
~ He's trying to have sex with Gemma?
~ Thanks for the reminder.

369
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:16,890
I was actually more concerned about
this evening's... My death.

370
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:18,530
Don't get your nipples in a Twix.

371
00:20:18,580 --> 00:20:20,930
~ While you were fingering your teddy...
~ It's a souvenir.

372
00:20:20,980 --> 00:20:22,490
I've been putting together a gang.

373
00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:25,210
The hardest, maddest bastards
in this joint,

374
00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:27,530
all tooled up and itching for war,

375
00:20:27,580 --> 00:20:30,930
but if you can manage without them,
I'll send them away. Sorry, guys!

376
00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,610
Oh, fine, bring them in.

377
00:20:32,660 --> 00:20:36,060
Come on, lads! Avengers assemble!

378
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,330
I think we've all met before.

379
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:44,010
Luke, Black Elton John, Isaac,
or, as he is known in here,

380
00:20:44,060 --> 00:20:47,130
~ The Other Snitch.
~ Well, who's the other sn...

381
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:51,370
Yes. How are we going to beat
Marcel? He's got an army of 30 men.

382
00:20:51,420 --> 00:20:53,770
No, he hasn't got 30 men.
He's only got 29.

383
00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:56,370
Massive Steve's still in solitary
for biting through a door.

384
00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:59,330
Right, weapons. I couldn't get you
shotguns at such short notice

385
00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:02,020
but I've gone and got you
second best.

386
00:21:04,460 --> 00:21:06,400
All right, third best.

387
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:10,130
Are these from the gym?
Does Creg know you've got these?

388
00:21:10,180 --> 00:21:11,490
Bravo, Jason.

389
00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:14,850
Not only is this the most awful plan
anyone has ever heard of,

390
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:17,330
you've managed to put the icing
on this fuckwit-ted cake

391
00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:19,850
by not even organising enough
rackets for the four of us

392
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:21,370
to hold whilst we die.

393
00:21:21,420 --> 00:21:23,890
Who's this fourth guy? I'm just
here to supply the weapons.

394
00:21:23,940 --> 00:21:28,610
~ Jesus Christ.
~ Guys, guys, guys, it's
not about the number of us

395
00:21:28,660 --> 00:21:31,940
or the weapons in our hands.
It's about what's in here.

396
00:21:33,380 --> 00:21:37,050
Did David not doubt himself before
he went off to defeat Godzilla?

397
00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:39,210
I'm going to have to sort
this out myself, aren't I?

398
00:21:39,260 --> 00:21:42,360
If you're not back in time,
you'll miss your slot.

399
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:44,360
We use a wanking rota.

400
00:21:50,260 --> 00:21:52,800
~ All right, snitch?
~ I'm not a snitch.

401
00:21:55,980 --> 00:22:01,490
Gentlemen, we deeply regret having
fallen short on this occasion.

402
00:22:01,540 --> 00:22:04,450
Your custom is
extremely valuable to us

403
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:07,610
and I'm sure that we can work
together to find

404
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:10,780
a mutually acceptable and
non-batter-ly solution.

405
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:15,600
I don't see why not.
We're all reasonable people.

406
00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:21,570
~ Apart from Massive Steve, obviously.
Nice to have you back, mate.
~ Hello.

407
00:22:21,620 --> 00:22:23,770
We'll just fuck you up
quickly now, then.

408
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:25,850
No need to involve your friend,

409
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:28,770
unless you'd rather the
full-scale war this evening.

410
00:22:28,820 --> 00:22:32,140
I was looking forward to wearing
your cell-mate's skin as a onesie.

411
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:39,370
OK, do it, but absolutely
no penis parking.

412
00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:42,810
I've just eaten and you've got
to wait for two hours.

413
00:22:42,860 --> 00:22:46,010
~ Evening, pumpkins.
~ Creg, great to see you!

414
00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:48,010
~ It's Creg.
~ Hmm?

415
00:22:48,060 --> 00:22:49,850
I trust you're all playing nicely.

416
00:22:49,900 --> 00:22:54,650
We're just ch-ch-chatting
to the f-f-f-f...

417
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:55,730
Fucking prick?

418
00:22:55,780 --> 00:22:57,850
I think he was actually going
for fucking snitch.

419
00:22:57,900 --> 00:23:01,090
Anything you wanted to tell Creg

420
00:23:01,140 --> 00:23:03,540
or happy for him to be on his way?

421
00:23:08,340 --> 00:23:11,450
We were just having
a lovely chat, thanks.

422
00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:14,020
Great. Toodle-pip, then.

423
00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:20,970
Don't go! They're going to kill me
and turn me into leisurewear!

424
00:23:21,020 --> 00:23:23,610
~ Is this true?
~ Yeah.

425
00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:26,370
I'm very glad you felt you
could tell me that, Luke.

426
00:23:26,420 --> 00:23:29,730
Some people, they don't
like to snitch.

427
00:23:29,780 --> 00:23:32,810
All right, you've got two minutes,
lads. Don't punch his face.

428
00:23:32,860 --> 00:23:35,810
~ Come on, guv.
~ No, actually, you might
want to have a little stamp

429
00:23:35,860 --> 00:23:42,610
on his tongue. Stop him licking out
people's very close friends.

430
00:23:42,660 --> 00:23:44,260
You disgust me.

431
00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:51,820
I do hope this hasn't spoilt
your first day, chicken.

432
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:02,900
Back straight, swing from the hips.

433
00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:07,370
~ Jesus, you OK?
~ Yeah.

434
00:24:07,420 --> 00:24:11,890
Absolutely terrific.
Tickety-fucking-boo.

435
00:24:11,940 --> 00:24:14,530
Excellent. I need to show you how
to backhand someone's balls

436
00:24:14,580 --> 00:24:15,850
into their shitpipe.

437
00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:20,770
What the fuck is wrong with you,
you monumental prick?

438
00:24:20,820 --> 00:24:25,330
All I want to do is stop my
girlfriend from hating me

439
00:24:25,380 --> 00:24:30,330
and get through this without
being skinned or violated

440
00:24:30,380 --> 00:24:35,740
or used as a storage unit
for pool equipment!

441
00:24:39,820 --> 00:24:44,610
All I want to do is keep
my fucking head down!

442
00:24:44,660 --> 00:24:46,340
229 in G15.

443
00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:52,370
Target has been neutralised.
Stand down on the dogs.

444
00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:54,570
Maybe bring a couple of Tasers
just in case.

445
00:24:54,620 --> 00:24:57,810
You can say goodbye to your
visiting rights for this.

446
00:24:57,860 --> 00:24:59,530
Do you play, Miss?

447
00:24:59,580 --> 00:25:01,780
If you ever fancy a knock up.

448
00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:15,010
Gems, before you say anything,

449
00:25:15,060 --> 00:25:16,650
I just need to apologise.

450
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:19,810
No, it's me who should be
apologising.

451
00:25:19,860 --> 00:25:23,410
I completely understand
why you were worried.

452
00:25:23,460 --> 00:25:25,860
I mean, he is quite good looking.

453
00:25:27,100 --> 00:25:32,450
~ It's just... It's only
because I care so much.
~ I love you too, Lukey.

454
00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:35,650
And everything is going to be
completely fine.

455
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,610
You bloody galah.

456
00:25:38,660 --> 00:25:43,170
These visits keep me going.
Let's never miss another one again.

457
00:25:43,220 --> 00:25:44,820
Of course not.

458
00:25:45,380 --> 00:25:47,970
Next week might be tricky, though.

459
00:25:48,020 --> 00:25:52,780
It's Roger's birthday party and
I kind of already promised I'd go.

460
00:25:54,340 --> 00:25:58,650
~ That's OK.
~ Thank you.
It's just everyone's going.

461
00:25:58,700 --> 00:26:00,850
He's even invited Mum and Gran.

462
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:03,100
They can't wait to meet him.

463
00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:08,210
There's nothing you can do to make
up for getting me sent here.

464
00:26:08,260 --> 00:26:11,530
~ I meant to make up for
the wet patch on your bed.
~ You remember Roger?

465
00:26:11,580 --> 00:26:15,370
You mean the Roger who's trying to
get into my girlfriend's body.

466
00:26:15,420 --> 00:26:18,730
~ He's doing a French GCSE.
~ We do do an A Level.
~ Great, I'll do that.

467
00:26:18,780 --> 00:26:21,850
~ Latin.
~ We're going to start
having some fun.

468
00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:24,330
Do you mean you're going to bum me?

469
00:26:24,380 --> 00:26:28,140
If you're up to something,
you know that I will find out.