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00:00:02,135 --> 00:00:03,659
WALDEN: Previously on
Two and a Half Men:
2
00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:05,428
Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,
3
00:00:05,638 --> 00:00:07,833
- but you two are different somehow.
- I know we can be good parents.
4
00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:10,805
It is my job to be a hundred percent
sure before I place a child.
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00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,377
We are not believable
as a loving couple,
6
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:15,946
and I think that's why Ms.
McMartin wasn't sure about us.
7
00:00:16,983 --> 00:00:18,746
All right, yeah.
8
00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:22,085
We do that in front of Ms.
McMartin, we'll get ten babies.
9
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:23,089
(SNICKERS)
10
00:00:25,925 --> 00:00:28,052
Whoo! That was fun.
11
00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:29,819
That was like a roller coaster.
12
00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:33,060
Yeah, we went up, we went down.
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There was the
loop-de-loop.
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Yeah, they say you want
to sit in the front,
15
00:00:38,805 --> 00:00:40,602
but I had a great time
in the back.
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00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,037
Yeah, you know, I'm not sure
about that picture
17
00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,336
we took at the end.
I think I was making a funny face.
18
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:46,603
Yeah.
19
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,542
Hey, have you ever gotten busy
in a public place,
20
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,377
like a theme park, before?
21
00:00:52,585 --> 00:00:55,179
I mean, there was one
time in the Chicago airport.
22
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,788
I met this girl
on a long layover.
23
00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:02,217
Let's just say my bag was
never left unattended.
24
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:04,628
What about you?
25
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:08,424
Well, if you get me
a hot cup of coffee,
26
00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:12,193
I'll tell you about my high
school trip to Mount Rushmore.
27
00:01:12,672 --> 00:01:14,537
Okay,
please tell me it doesn't involve
28
00:01:14,674 --> 00:01:16,642
four old guys on top of a mountain.
29
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,069
I went to
an all-girls school.
30
00:01:21,481 --> 00:01:22,971
Coffee, coming up!
31
00:01:25,452 --> 00:01:27,147
- Hey.
- Hey.
32
00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:30,249
Okay, I don't know what was going on
up there with Laurel, but...
33
00:01:34,227 --> 00:01:37,219
Rich, handsome and a master
of the boudoir.
34
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,421
You're everything
I think I am when I'm drunk.
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00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:41,157
What can I say?
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00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:43,596
I got a magical tongue, and
I can breathe through my ears.
37
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:48,369
Were you just sitting down here,
listening to Laurel and me?
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00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:50,341
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- No, that would be sad.
39
00:01:51,478 --> 00:01:53,207
I was also couponing.
40
00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:58,543
Hey.
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00:01:58,751 --> 00:02:00,116
How's my favorite couple?
42
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,117
My bros without hos.
43
00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:04,881
Ms. McMartin...
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00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,491
Uh, what are you doing here?
45
00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:08,785
Well, I told you guys
the state requires
46
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:12,056
a couple surprise inspections to
check in on Louis's home life.
47
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:13,559
Surprise!
48
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,291
I am definitely surprised.
49
00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:19,028
- Clearly... Captain Underpants.
- Oh!
50
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:21,070
Right, yeah, well,
I wasn't expect...
51
00:02:21,274 --> 00:02:24,300
You know, Louis isn't here; he's
actually, he's at a sleepover.
52
00:02:24,511 --> 00:02:27,503
So, I guess you came all this
way to see me in my skivvies.
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00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:30,075
Worth the trip in my book.
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00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:35,045
Instagram.
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Hashtag: He's bringing
booty back.
56
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,450
Thanks, honey.
57
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,459
Well, it was...
It was good to see you.
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00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:43,629
Actually, I can just
talk to you guys.
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00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:45,495
Great, even better.
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00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:46,722
Come on in.
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00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:49,834
You know, I'm gonna run upstairs
and put on some pants.
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LAUREL: Walden?
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00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:54,131
Who was that?
64
00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:55,972
Oh, that was my pants.
65
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:58,538
Here I come, pants!
66
00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:00,939
- Stay there!
- What are you talking about?
67
00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:02,679
Oh, hi. Sorry.
68
00:03:02,882 --> 00:03:05,646
- What's going on?
- Uhhh.
69
00:03:05,818 --> 00:03:07,945
You're cheating on me?
70
00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:11,819
I want half!
71
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:21,960
Ripped By mstoll
72
00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:25,199
You lied to me.
73
00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:26,938
I never would have
placed Louis here had I known
74
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,937
you guys weren't
actually a couple.
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00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:31,305
- I can explain.
- Go ahead, I'd love to hear it.
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00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:33,041
She's my sister.
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Where was that five minutes ago?
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00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,414
There's no explanation
for what you did.
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00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:41,350
I may have to remove Louis.
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00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,114
Okay, I know this looks bad, but our
hearts were in the right place.
81
00:03:44,324 --> 00:03:46,053
Yeah, even if our
penises weren't.
82
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:50,596
The only thing that we're guilty of
is putting on a little show.
83
00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:51,956
A little show?
84
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:53,826
Every time I see this one,
he acts like he's auditioning
85
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,194
to host the Tonys.
86
00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,836
Oh, no, no, no,
that's just Alan.
87
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,673
Yeah, it's true.
Name any musical, anybody.
88
00:04:01,874 --> 00:04:03,171
Okay. West Side Story.
89
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,768
♪ (SINGS WEST SIDE STORY
SONG "AMERICA") ♪
90
00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:08,413
Okay, stop.
91
00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:13,242
Well, excuse me, Officer Krupke.
92
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:15,719
Listen, we may not be gay,
93
00:04:15,888 --> 00:04:17,583
but we are definitely
a stable couple.
94
00:04:17,790 --> 00:04:20,987
Yeah, until the adoption is final,
and then you'II, what, get divorced?
95
00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:23,321
Are you kidding me?
If this one has his way,
96
00:04:23,529 --> 00:04:25,360
he's gonna be with me
for the rest of my life.
97
00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:26,554
Longer.
98
00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:28,563
I bought us side-by-side
cemetery plots.
99
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:29,826
No, he's not kidding.
100
00:04:30,036 --> 00:04:32,903
And he gave it to me for my birthday,
and I pretended to like it,
101
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,165
because that's what
loving couples do.
102
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:37,770
You pretended to like it?
103
00:04:37,977 --> 00:04:39,205
See that?
See, that's real.
104
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,710
And I'm gonna hear about it
for the rest of the night.
105
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:45,645
You want to take Louis away from us
just because we don't have sex?
106
00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:48,445
I mean, I can honestly tell you
that we have as much sex as I had
107
00:04:48,655 --> 00:04:49,883
in either of
my previous marriages.
108
00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:51,420
None of that matters.
109
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,216
No, of course it matters.
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00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:54,916
Because we're not lying.
111
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,426
We are best friends,
and we are married.
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00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:59,257
And we do love each other.
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00:04:59,465 --> 00:05:01,729
And I'm sorry, but just, you
know, how many people can say
114
00:05:01,934 --> 00:05:03,663
that they are married
to their best friend?
115
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:07,098
Alan Harper-Schmidt can.
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00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:11,201
My job is to do what's in
the best interest of the child.
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00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:13,073
Now I have to reevaluate
what that is.
118
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:14,270
But him living here...
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00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:15,971
No, I don't want to hear
anything else from you guys.
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00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,275
I'll be in touch.
121
00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:21,109
I can't lose this kid.
122
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,653
Don't go there.
Nothing's been decided yet.
123
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:27,255
Well, other than the fact that you
don't want to be buried next to me.
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This is a disaster.
125
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:32,624
We're gonna lose everything
that we worked for
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00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,493
over one stupid mistake.
127
00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:36,669
It's my chiropractic license
all over again.
128
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:41,003
Your hand slips
into one butt crack.
129
00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:46,470
What you drawing?
130
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,408
It's us.
We're the Justice League.
131
00:05:48,614 --> 00:05:49,706
You're Batman.
132
00:05:49,949 --> 00:05:51,940
I'm Batman?
I mean...
133
00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:53,618
(MIMICS BATMAN) I'm Batman.
134
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,719
- Is that Superman?
- That's me.
135
00:05:56,956 --> 00:05:58,981
And, there's Wonder Woman.
Is that Berta?
136
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,352
That's you.
137
00:06:01,794 --> 00:06:04,262
Oh, well, that's a little
inaccurate, don't you think?
138
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,991
I mean, I wish
I had those shoulders.
139
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,334
And who's that?
140
00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,366
That's Timothy; he's Aquaman.
141
00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:12,799
Why can't I be Aquaman?
142
00:06:13,005 --> 00:06:15,303
Because Aquaman can
keep himself afloat.
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00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,743
I drew it
'cause we're a team now.
144
00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:20,468
That's right.
145
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,477
We're a team
that's never gonna break up.
146
00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,049
Stay strong, Wonder Woman.
147
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,550
Can we go to the park?
148
00:06:27,754 --> 00:06:29,187
I don't see why not.
149
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,516
Yes, we have to live
in the moment.
150
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:35,185
"Gather ye rosebuds
(WHISPERING) while ye may."
151
00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:37,855
And you ask why
you're Wonder Woman.
152
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:41,166
Hey, why don't you go
and get your shoes on,
153
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,164
- and we'll get going, okay?
- Cool!
154
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:45,465
You're the best dad ever.
155
00:06:45,772 --> 00:06:47,501
Oh, my God.
156
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,837
Did you hear that?
He used the "D" word.
157
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,566
I more than heard it, I felt it.
158
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:53,336
But I am not gonna cry.
159
00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:54,504
That's right.
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00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:56,741
We got to stay strong
in front of the kid.
161
00:06:56,949 --> 00:06:58,644
We can't let him know
something's going on.
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00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:02,553
(VOICE WAVERING) 'Cause that's
what a... a good dad does.
163
00:07:02,722 --> 00:07:04,485
I'm gonna go get my jacket.
164
00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:08,193
I feel so bad for him.
165
00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:09,918
Well, what are you gonna
do about it?
166
00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:11,824
There's nothing I can do.
167
00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:14,522
Just gonna throw in the towel
before the first round?
168
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:15,826
What?
169
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:18,266
Let me put it in terms
you'll understand.
170
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,168
You're crapping your tutu
before the ballet starts.
171
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:24,775
After all that Walden's
done for you,
172
00:07:24,977 --> 00:07:28,208
you have to help him
keep ahold of Louis.
173
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:30,109
- How?
- I don't know.
174
00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:33,547
But if there is anybody
in the world that can figure out
175
00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,722
how to keep somebody
in this house, it's you.
176
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:50,599
Is this seat taken?
177
00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:52,731
Actually, no, it's...
178
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,231
What are you doing here?
179
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:57,375
- Did you follow me?
- No.
180
00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:59,067
But I knew you were here
because of the picture
181
00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:01,237
you posted of your bruschetta.
182
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:03,108
This is completely
inappropriate.
183
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,807
And only jackasses
say "brew-sketta."
184
00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:09,311
Just hear me out, I need
to talk to you about Louis.
185
00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:10,887
The time to talk to me
about Louis was
186
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,250
before you lied to me
to get him.
187
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:14,926
I only need five minutes.
I'll even pay for your dinner.
188
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,152
I mean, if you really knew me,
you'd know what a big deal that is.
189
00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:20,559
- Fine, five minutes.
- Thank you.
190
00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:22,290
And if you want
anything else, order fast.
191
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,493
The happy hour prices
are about to go away.
192
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,638
What do you have to say?
193
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,568
Look...
194
00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:30,674
Walden is really a great guy.
195
00:08:30,877 --> 00:08:32,310
All he wanted was to be a dad,
196
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,309
and he tried everything
he could think of.
197
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,846
I mean, he only married me
because I was his last resort.
198
00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:38,683
I'm like peeing in
a Gatorade bottle
199
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:40,318
when you're stuck in traffic.
200
00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:43,451
Nobody wants to do it,
but sometimes it's your only option.
201
00:08:44,490 --> 00:08:46,958
You know what
a last resort looks like?
202
00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:49,957
Like a 33-year-old woman who
devoted herself to her career
203
00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:51,652
because she had nothing else
and then realized
204
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,798
she's not even good at that
because she screwed up
205
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,195
and gave a kid to two guys
pretending to be a gay couple.
206
00:08:56,969 --> 00:08:58,596
I was just named
employee of the month.
207
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:01,635
Now I can't even use
my $25 Target gift card
208
00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:03,138
without feeling guilty.
209
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,978
You are a good employee
and a good person.
210
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:09,647
And, if it'll help,
I'll buy the gift card off you.
211
00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:12,477
What's fair?
Ten? 15? Ten?
212
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,812
You know,
the worst part of this is
213
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,785
I actually liked you guys.
214
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:19,821
I put your Christmas card
on my fridge.
215
00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:21,152
Now I don't even know
who you are.
216
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,055
Who are those people
on my fridge?
217
00:09:23,262 --> 00:09:25,162
We're the same two people
that you trusted Louis with
218
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,662
- in the first place.
- This whole thing is a nightmare.
219
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:29,664
Do you realize
I could lose my job?
220
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:31,996
I have five cats to support.
221
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:35,368
I know, and I feel terrible
that we put you in this position.
222
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:38,374
Our only intent was to give
a child in need a good home.
223
00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:41,880
Well, I suppose I can't
fault you for that.
224
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:45,244
Great.
225
00:09:45,718 --> 00:09:48,312
So, we're done here,
we get to keep Louis,
226
00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:50,317
and I'll give you eight
bucks for the gift card.
227
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:52,854
I wish it was that simple.
228
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,823
I just don't know
what the right thing to do is.
229
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,856
Okay, well, you don't
have to decide right now.
230
00:09:59,065 --> 00:10:00,999
Let's...
Let's talk about it.
231
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,531
Can I get an appletini,
sugar rim, extra zest?
232
00:10:05,304 --> 00:10:07,568
You don't have to pretend
to be gay anymore.
233
00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:10,265
Oh, yeah...
Right...
234
00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:12,843
Uh... Make it a mojito.
(WHISPERING) Skinny.
235
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,574
So, what do you
say, Ms. McMartin?
236
00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:18,410
Another Chardonnay?
237
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:20,279
Oh, what the hell?
238
00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:22,283
It's not like this week
could get any worse.
239
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,055
I can't believe I'm doing this.
240
00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:26,724
I can't believe you're
doing this either.
241
00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:28,951
- Oh, Alan!
- Oh, Ms. McMartin.
242
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:39,864
This is a disaster.
243
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:42,637
I'm sorry.
244
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,203
Come on, man.
245
00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:46,435
You like her.
Rise and shine.
246
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,477
What is wrong with me?
247
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:49,908
No, no.
It's not you.
248
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,446
Although, if I...
If I did have one note,
249
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,950
the beige granny panties
didn't exactly move the needle.
250
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:58,719
They're nude-colored,
and they are my work panties.
251
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:00,986
Although your use
of the word "needle"
252
00:11:01,127 --> 00:11:03,152
is anatomically accurate.
253
00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:05,260
I am a grower, not a shower.
254
00:11:06,098 --> 00:11:09,261
Why do I always make
such a mess of things?
255
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,299
(SOBBING) I'm sorry.
256
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:12,766
Don't be.
257
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:15,606
The crying's actually helping.
258
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,567
What?
259
00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:21,636
Um, your weeping reminds me
of having sex with my first wife.
260
00:11:22,481 --> 00:11:24,472
How did I get here?
261
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,242
I went to Stanford.
262
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,977
I turned down ajob on Wall
Street to help save the world,
263
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:30,678
and now I'm in bed
with an old guy
264
00:11:30,956 --> 00:11:33,117
who can't get a boner!
265
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:37,089
Uh, uh, actually,
that is no longer the case.
266
00:11:37,496 --> 00:11:40,954
Seatbacks and tray tables
are in their full upright position.
267
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,193
Flight attendants,
prepare for takeoff.
268
00:11:45,037 --> 00:11:46,026
Get out.
269
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:49,005
Oh, okay. Um...
270
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:52,132
I...
271
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:55,313
I hope this won't affect
your decision about Louis.
272
00:11:55,981 --> 00:11:59,212
I would hate it if you held my
flaccid penis against Walden.
273
00:12:07,326 --> 00:12:10,193
Oh, hey.
You're... You're still up.
274
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,057
It's 8:15.
275
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,359
Oh, to be young again.
276
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:16,668
So, what have you been doing?
277
00:12:16,869 --> 00:12:19,201
I was making a video montage
278
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,339
of the time we spent with Louis.
You want to see it?
279
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:23,634
Yeah. Yeah, great.
(CHUCKLING)
280
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,938
♪ (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
281
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:29,010
(MUSIC STOPS)
282
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:32,842
That's it?
283
00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:34,986
Yeah, we really should have
taken more pictures.
284
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,412
Where have you been?
285
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:40,148
Oh, I... I...
286
00:12:40,359 --> 00:12:42,884
I went to see Ms. McMartin.
287
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,427
Are you kidding me?
288
00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:49,094
She told us to leave her alone.
289
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:52,600
Alan, when people say that
to you, they mean it.
290
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,040
Remember how you're not allowed
to go to Subway anymore
291
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:59,109
and suggestively ask
for "double meat"?
292
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:01,871
I was just trying
to help us keep Louis.
293
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:05,847
Okay, tell me exactly what you did
so I can start to undo it.
294
00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:08,110
Okay. Um,
I followed her to a bar...
295
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,947
Oh, God!
296
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:12,283
This is like the time
that we saw Kelly Ripa
297
00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,015
outside the grocery store!
298
00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:17,018
No. No, no, no.
So we had a few drinks,
299
00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:20,198
and the funny part is,
we ended up in bed.
300
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:24,066
You had sex with Ms. McMartin?
301
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:26,733
No!
No, I did not.
302
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,741
I was unable
to maintain an erection.
303
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:35,774
This has gone from bad to worse.
I might start crying.
304
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:37,539
I wouldn't.
305
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,283
How you doing?
306
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,450
I've been better.
307
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,559
Well, you want to forget the pain
or you want to forget your name?
308
00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:51,121
Got anything
to help me forget Alan?
309
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:54,094
If I did, I'd be asking you,
"Who's Alan?"
310
00:13:56,769 --> 00:14:00,000
Listen, don't let
yourself get too down.
311
00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:02,640
It's like I tell my daughters,
312
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,901
no use crying
until the verdict's read.
313
00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:09,303
I tried to sway Ms. McMartin.
She won't even take my calls.
314
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,812
Well, someone ought to tell her
315
00:14:10,983 --> 00:14:13,975
that you are the best thing
that ever happened for that kid.
316
00:14:14,186 --> 00:14:15,778
I'm just worried about...
317
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,654
what will happen to him if
she doesn't let me keep him.
318
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,516
Being a foster kid
makes you tough.
319
00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:24,822
Before he goes, I'll teach him
320
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:27,123
how to make a shiv
out of a Krazy Straw.
321
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,525
Thanks.
I needed a laugh.
322
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,261
Yeah, 'cause I'm kidding.
323
00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:37,304
I don't want him to leave either.
324
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:38,840
He's a good kid, isn't he?
325
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,136
Yeah.
326
00:14:40,679 --> 00:14:44,274
If I lose him, all I'm gonna have
is a five-second photo montage
327
00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:46,849
and a picture of Alan
as Wonder Woman.
328
00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:50,185
Look, we're all
in this together.
329
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:53,017
Anything I can do for you,
you let me know.
330
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,318
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
331
00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:59,393
You know, if you happen to
know a guy who specializes in
332
00:14:59,598 --> 00:15:01,566
making a father
and son disappear,
333
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,802
you just might want to
keep that number handy.
334
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:08,533
I do know a guy that could sneak
80 pounds into the country.
335
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,209
I don't see why he couldn't
sneak 80 pounds out.
336
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,148
Ms. McMartin is 15 minutes late.
337
00:15:18,350 --> 00:15:20,341
You know, we might be
a fraudulently gay couple,
338
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:22,076
but at least we're punctual.
339
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,356
We're not the only ones
who lied.
340
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:28,258
I know for a fact that blonde
is not her natural hair color.
341
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,457
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
342
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:35,261
That's her.
343
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:38,402
Yeah, and she better watch it,
'cause I am in mama grizzly mode.
344
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:41,573
Promise me you won't make this
more awkward than it already is.
345
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,105
You got it, of course.
346
00:15:46,145 --> 00:15:47,203
Ms. McMartin.
347
00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:48,607
Hello, Walden.
348
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:50,543
Alan.
349
00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:56,788
'Sup, girl?
350
00:15:59,391 --> 00:16:00,619
Who's here?
351
00:16:00,726 --> 00:16:02,523
Oh, hey, buddy.
352
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,253
Uh, it's Ms. McMartin.
353
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:05,930
- Hi, Louis.
- Hi.
354
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,066
Hey, why don't you go
in your room and play,
355
00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:10,792
while the grown-ups
talk for a little.
356
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,437
- Sure.
- Okay.
357
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,969
You see how he handled that?
"Let the grown-ups talk."
358
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,609
Supportive and gentle,
359
00:16:18,777 --> 00:16:21,371
not unlike your delightful
beige work panties.
360
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:26,482
Alan, let the grown-ups talk.
361
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:30,080
I've thought about this
a long time,
362
00:16:30,255 --> 00:16:34,089
and nobody wanted this
to work out more than I did.
363
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:37,260
Please don't do this.
364
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:38,555
I have to do my job,
365
00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:40,755
and the fact of the matter is
you lied.
366
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:42,092
You committed fraud.
367
00:16:42,301 --> 00:16:44,428
But we are legally married.
368
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:46,331
He is my best friend.
We're good parents.
369
00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,095
And clearly, we love each other.
370
00:16:48,307 --> 00:16:49,467
WALDEN: Yes.
371
00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:51,769
The-the only thing
that we don't do
372
00:16:51,977 --> 00:16:54,605
is, well, "love" each other.
373
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:59,116
But if that's the only reason
that we don't get to keep Louis
374
00:16:59,318 --> 00:17:01,479
is because
I don't put my man parts
375
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,656
into Alan's...
mostly man parts...
376
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:08,259
...then we will have sex
right here in front of you.
377
00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:11,085
I mean...
Come on, Alan.
378
00:17:11,296 --> 00:17:12,627
Oh, okay.
379
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,461
- Guys, stop.
- No, I am serious!
380
00:17:17,669 --> 00:17:19,330
I will have sex with Alan
right here
381
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,029
on the living room floor
if we get to keep this kid!
382
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,640
Now, how can you say
383
00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:26,436
that this isn't
a great home for a child?
384
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,479
I know you're upset.
385
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:30,978
I am, too.
386
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:32,309
But I've made up my mind.
387
00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:33,542
No!
388
00:17:34,319 --> 00:17:36,014
This can't be it!
389
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:38,283
I'm ready.
390
00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:41,318
What are you doing, buddy?
391
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:43,154
Whenever Ms. McMartin comes
392
00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:45,887
and the grown-ups start yelling,
I get taken away.
393
00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:48,066
Oh, man.
394
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,324
I'm very sorry, Louis.
395
00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:52,026
What's going on?
396
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:55,302
- She's taking him.
- What?
397
00:17:55,507 --> 00:17:58,476
Hey, Blondie, how many people
know you're here?
398
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:03,411
Berta, it's okay.
399
00:18:03,615 --> 00:18:05,480
And she's not a real blonde.
400
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:10,044
Come here.
401
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:13,019
I want you to know that
this isn't your fault.
402
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:16,922
You didn't do anything wrong
and you're a great kid.
403
00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:18,727
I really liked it here.
404
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,024
We are...
We're gonna miss you, kiddo.
405
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,094
Me, too.
406
00:18:25,070 --> 00:18:26,435
Here.
407
00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:28,105
No.
408
00:18:28,707 --> 00:18:30,106
Timothy's your best friend.
409
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:31,936
He'll be your best friend now.
410
00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:34,776
(WALDEN SOBS QUIETLY)
411
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,015
Bye, Louis.
412
00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:40,879
Bye. Bye, Berta.
413
00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:42,417
So long, kid.
414
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:44,020
Come on, Louis.
415
00:18:56,768 --> 00:18:58,258
I can't do this.
416
00:18:58,504 --> 00:18:59,562
What?
417
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:02,763
No, the whole reason
I took this job was to help kids.
418
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,577
No matter how we got here,
419
00:19:05,777 --> 00:19:07,642
this is the best place for him.
420
00:19:07,946 --> 00:19:10,312
This is amazing.
Come here, buddy. Oh!
421
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:13,781
Did you grow while
you were gone?
422
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,580
- No.
- No?
423
00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,756
Get ready for a mama bear hug.
424
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:20,049
Mama bear.
425
00:19:20,259 --> 00:19:21,988
Oh, my goodness, thank you.
426
00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:24,925
- No more lies.
- No.
427
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:27,794
Unless my boss finds out about this,
then I totally need you to lie.
428
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,594
Glad to have you back, kid.
429
00:19:31,803 --> 00:19:33,896
Oh, and, Ms. McMartin,
430
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:35,630
you might want to stay
away from your house
431
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,570
until I can make
some phone calls.
432
00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:42,775
Okay! Okay!
Let's put your stuff away, buddy.
433
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:44,073
Hey, you know what?
434
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:45,341
You can have this now,
435
00:19:45,551 --> 00:19:47,451
'cause I got
my best friend back.
436
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:49,245
Technically, I'm your best friend.
437
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:51,780
And I never left.
438
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:53,920
Still, a touching moment.
439
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,659
That was really sweet of you.
440
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,489
I feel good about it.
441
00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:00,665
Today you earned
your Target gift card.
442
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,063
(CHUCKLES)
443
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,533
- Thanks.
- No, thank you.
444
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,607
- (SNIFFLING)
- Oh, are you... Are you crying?
445
00:20:09,808 --> 00:20:12,800
Yes, but... tears of joy.
446
00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:21,149
Those work, too.
447
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:27,281
Wow!
448
00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:29,722
- That was amazing!
- Yep.
449
00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:33,364
Alan may disappoint sometimes,
but a little blue pill never does.
450
00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:36,728
Hey, could I ask you
a personal question?
451
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,730
What do you consider personal?
452
00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:41,405
I already let you try on
my work panties.
453
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,042
Well... how do I put this?
454
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:48,203
Ms. McMartin,
what's your first name?
455
00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:59,300
Ripped By mstoll