1
00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:02,628
- Ooh, hey.
- Hey.
2
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,384
Hollywood's biggest night, huh?
3
00:00:04,463 --> 00:00:06,591
- Mmm-hmm.
- What'd you put down for best foreign?
4
00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:08,805
You know me, man.
Just put down the Danish one,
5
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,636
trying to keep it Scandinavian, so.
6
00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:12,687
Oh, man, I hope tonight tops last year
7
00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:14,731
because I really feel that it was just
a bunch of people, like,
8
00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:16,479
I don't know, sucking each other off, really.
9
00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:17,650
- Yeah.
- On the red carpet.
10
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,229
- It kind of was.
- Yeah, it was, like, one big circle jerk, right?
11
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,815
- Yep.
- Ooh, Adam, Adam, it's starting!
12
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,783
- It's starting!
- Who's hungry?
13
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:28,283
All right, that looks great.
14
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:29,906
Tittay.
15
00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,199
Welcome to the AVN Awards Show,
16
00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:35,206
where we honor the best
in adult entertainment.
17
00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,834
Who do you guys got for best MMF-DP-ATM?
18
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,957
- Um...
- Who did I mark?
19
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,425
Gianna.
20
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,547
Yep, and I got Chloe.
21
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,589
I'm fresh
22
00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,596
You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta
23
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:52,811
Gotta be fresh
24
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,357
Adam, I can't believe you got
every category right.
25
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,309
Dude, you even guessed best dong-umentary.
26
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:02,738
Yes, well, 12 Inches a
Slave was a no-brainer,
27
00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:06,488
but I'll admit it, having a
pornographic memory doesn't hurt.
28
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:08,110
I cannot forget a dick.
29
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:11,037
Which is crazy, 'cause you
can't remember anything else, right?
30
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,077
Yeah, no, I can't remember
what I ate for breakfast.
31
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,826
I can't remember, like,
my social security number,
32
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:19,664
which is an issue sometimes,
but I remember, like, every frame
33
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:22,670
of the porno that
I cranked down to in the mirror last night.
34
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,718
Did you just say you crank
down in the mirror?
35
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:26,586
You guys don't crank down in the mirror?
36
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,013
Okay, I'll teach you something.
37
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,056
All right, so you are the mirror.
38
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,174
- Uh-huh.
- Okay?
39
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,851
And this, right here, the
screen, that's where
40
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,145
all the porno's happening.
So I put a little porno
41
00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:37,018
back here and I look in the mirror,
42
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,391
and it's like I'm in the porno.
43
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,943
It's like a pop porno.
And then I'm looking at myself
44
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:44,443
at the same time, and going like,
"You're having fun, this is fun. Look at you."
45
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,649
- Sure.
- Seems like a lot of work, but very cool.
46
00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:47,779
It's not.
47
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:50,031
I like to just squeeze it till it pops
and move on, you know?
48
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,362
It's not, it's not a lot.
49
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,447
It's a little overwhelming
for me, so, if we could,
50
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:54,656
- if you wouldn't mind...
- Absolutely.
51
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,083
I'd like to ask you about the giant bag
52
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:57,371
you brought to work. What's up with that?
53
00:01:57,492 --> 00:01:59,870
Hello, it's my costume bag
from my theater days.
54
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,963
- Uh-oh.
- When we were watching the AVN Awards
55
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:04,918
it kind of got the old
actor juices a-flowin'.
56
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,052
I had different juices flowing.
57
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,005
- Semen.
- Me too.
58
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:10,885
Do you remember Sydney,
59
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,804
the Australian tour guide?
60
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,806
- I do.
- Good day, mate.
61
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,729
Oh, and crikey, is that a didgeridoo?
62
00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:19,310
- What the hell are you doing?
- Huh?
63
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:22,108
Anders, I got a mission for you, Stretch.
64
00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,611
- Uh, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
- I'm sending you
65
00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,317
to the North Rancho College
job fair to recruit
66
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,273
- some new employees.
- Wow, okay.
67
00:02:28,357 --> 00:02:30,655
Grab a couple of people
to help you get contact info
68
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,361
on 100 people interested in working here.
69
00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:34,412
You got it. I will assemble
my team right now.
70
00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:35,952
Great.
71
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:40,578
We going back to college,
we going back to college!
72
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,163
Yes, yes.
73
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:44,668
Not so fast, guys. Okay?
74
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:47,422
My career here at TAC is
clearly riding on this,
75
00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:50,049
and you two? On a college campus?
76
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,047
Not happening.
77
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,098
Attention, TelAmericans,
78
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:57,937
tomorrow morning at 0900 hours,
we will deploy onto the campus
79
00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,930
of North Rancho College,
80
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,766
trying to get 100 sigs of some fresh meat.
Who's with me?
81
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,317
Bill, Tez?
82
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,357
You boys up for an excellent adventure?
83
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:09,405
And miss out on my commissions?
Fool, please.
84
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,446
I'm trying to ball out at this
hookah bar this weekend.
85
00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:13,777
Tsh!
86
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,703
- Ders... Come on.
- Please take us.
87
00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:16,746
- Stop.
- I'm not going to stop.
88
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,290
Stop him. Please stop him.
89
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:19,787
I'm not going to stop until you take us.
90
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,626
I know you guys, all right?
You're gonna, like,
91
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,041
basically show up and then
I'm going to do all the work
92
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:25,213
and you're going to run off, and I'm going
93
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,255
to be alone doing all the work.
94
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,049
Honestly, I swear on my mother
95
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,719
and Blake's entire family
that we will not bail on you.
96
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:31,886
Fine!
97
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,384
- Yes.
- Yes, all right.
98
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:36,216
All right. Hey, guys, check this out.
99
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,223
- Whoa, nice.
- Cool, right?
100
00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:41,896
- Whoa, very cool.
- Yeah, I figured we could do
101
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,725
a whole thing where it's, like,
"Come and join the TelAmerican army."
102
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,560
- Mmm-hmm.
- And got a little karaoke machine
103
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,562
so we could sing some songs. I'm thinking
104
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,945
Proud to be a TelAmerican or
TelAmerica the Beautiful.
105
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,240
- Ooh, I got one, I got one.
- Yeah?
106
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,283
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go.
107
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,032
Start it Off.
108
00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:57,283
Neither!
109
00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,490
That's good, here, I'll do the second verse.
110
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,078
Fug this shib.
111
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,627
Very stupid, very dumb idea
112
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,996
We're not going to do your
stupid sign-up job,
113
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:07,839
because you said that we'd blow you off.
114
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:09,583
- That's right.
- Mmm-hmm.
115
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,964
Right. And that's what
you're doing right now.
116
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:13,671
- We are.
- Yes, we are doing that,
117
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,222
- but only because...
- Exactly.
118
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,885
- You started it.
- But you're doing it.
119
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,262
No, but you started it. You were a jerk,
120
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,059
and you blew us off and you
said we weren't gonna help you,
121
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,645
so now we're not going to.
122
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:22,846
And we would've done really well, too.
123
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,727
We would've, like, worked our balls off.
124
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,604
This is exactly why I didn't
want to bring you guys.
125
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,898
Come on, dude, let's go throw
the boomerang in the quad.
126
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,521
Mmm-kay. Hey, Blake?
127
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:31,813
- Mmm-hmm?
- Real quick, what's, like, a cool
128
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,865
Australian exit line that I could say?
129
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,825
Oh, um...
130
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,822
Freakin' crikey.
131
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,786
- That was really good.
- All right, okay.
132
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,043
- This is a big campus, huh?
- Yeah.
133
00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:47,421
Getting, like, weird vibes though.
134
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,623
It's like full-body déjà vu.
135
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:56,000
Ripped By mstoll
136
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,594
Dorm Daze.
137
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:02,724
This is the college campus where they shot
24 of my 36 favorite college pornos.
138
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,055
This is it!
139
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,056
- Whoa.
- That's the vibe.
140
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,482
That's why I was getting that vibe.
141
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,143
Oh. Okay, okay, that's awesome, man.
142
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,065
Now, hey, go long, mate.
143
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,737
I want to toss you the boomer, huh?
144
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,777
I've got to find the dorm room where
145
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:18,160
they shot the gang bang sequences,
pay my respects.
146
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:19,994
Come on, dude. Go long.
147
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,663
I... I can't throw the boomerang to myself.
148
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:24,162
Pretty sure that's how they work, Blake.
149
00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:26,751
Yeah, I know how boomerangs work, Adam.
150
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,795
I just want somebody to watch me
151
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:31,464
- while I throw the boomerang.
- Sorry, Blake.
152
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:36,253
I've got to find porno! Whoo!
153
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:40,682
TelAmeriCorp, TelAmeriCorp
154
00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:44,269
Come make phone calls with me
155
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,268
Come on and join the TelAmerican army,
156
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,270
where the front line is the landline.
157
00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,685
It's phones. You just make
phone calls all day.
158
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,770
- Hey, army man.
- Yeah?
159
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,273
Do you take requests?
160
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,114
Because I request you take that
mic and shove it up your ass.
161
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,614
Get some.
162
00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:03,029
Well, who are you guys? What have we got?
Oh, US Coast Guard!
163
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,493
Cool, I get it.
164
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,747
'Cause you guys coast on the backs
of the people who really guard our country.
165
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:11,831
Oh, my God, did one of you guys just fart?
166
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,582
'Cause it smells like salty dick.
167
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,719
Whoo. I'm downwind.
168
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:21,382
Uh, you guys want to see
my impression of the Navy?
169
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,312
And here's my impression
of the US Coast Guard.
170
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,223
Ah!
171
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,191
Brock! Brock, back.
172
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:33,731
Okay. Yeah, sign up, man.
173
00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:36,404
Just need your name, email, phone number
174
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:37,568
and a stool sample.
175
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:38,990
Just kidding, I'm not the Coast Guard.
176
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:49,994
To be or not to be,
that is the question.
177
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,162
Whether 'tis nobler...
178
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,670
Doth my eyes hear a fellow thespian?
179
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:58,794
- Or to take pause...
- Thank you.
180
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,845
Do we have anyone else reading for Hamlet?
181
00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,426
One more!
182
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:03,886
- Get on with it.
- Thanks.
183
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,933
Okay, before I start, this boomerang has,
like, knife edges.
184
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,849
Back off, easy.
185
00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:20,566
Yah! Yah! Yah!
186
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:24,619
Back up! All right, I'm not from here.
187
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:27,660
I'm from a goddamn prison colony!
188
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,376
So unless you want a little bit
of what he just got...
189
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,787
I'm sorry, what scene are you doing?
190
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,131
This is from Crocodile
The New Class.
191
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,587
It's an original script.
192
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,343
And are you even a student here?
193
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:41,845
Not technically, sir, no.
194
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,140
But I will do anything to be a star.
195
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,097
You are a very bad actor.
196
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,225
And we would never use you in a production.
197
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:54,307
Hey.
198
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:57,019
Hey, what you did up there was so brave.
199
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,528
The director had no idea
what he was talking about.
200
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:03,192
Well, I mean, I just did what
Dundee would've done-dood.
201
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,861
Well, you know, my friends and I are making
202
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:08,242
this really cool short film today.
203
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,907
We could use a real actor like you.
204
00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:12,996
- Really?
- Yeah.
205
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,754
Do you think you could use
an Aussie in the cast?
206
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,382
- I do 13 unique characters...
- Okay, come on.
207
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,458
That... All right.
208
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,045
Eighteen? No.
209
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:35,394
I'm finally home.
210
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,321
Something isn't right.
211
00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,908
This is the room...
212
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,956
But it's not the room.
213
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,496
Did they move the walls?
214
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:01,466
Nope. That'd be physically impossible.
215
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,728
Uh, no.
216
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,020
Doesn't make sense.
217
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,316
In order for semen spray to land here,
218
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,770
the buster would have to shoot from here.
219
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,447
But Eric was over there.
220
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,027
And he didn't even bust.
221
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,287
Was there a second semen sprayer?
222
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,582
No. Nope.
223
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,794
Start from the beginning, Adam.
224
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,340
Who the fuck are you?
225
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:48,178
Is this where the porno was?
226
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:49,848
I don't know what you're talking about, man.
227
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,591
Just... Just get out of here.
228
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,260
You know what?
229
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,012
I believe you.
230
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,934
I don't see porno in your eyes.
231
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,315
Sorry, I'm going to have
to look around first.
232
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,774
Female sex.
233
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,281
That's code word for porn.
234
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,783
Hey, who wants to be the 100th contact
235
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,610
given to TelAmeriCorp? Hook a brother up.
236
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:12,954
The Coast Guard, what's going on?
237
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,872
Wait a second, if you guys are here,
238
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,245
who's doing nothing on the boat?
239
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,419
'Cause, you guys, I don't know
what you do. What do you guys
240
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:21,542
even do? Do you have boats?
241
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:24,132
Yeah, we get it.
Yeah, no, you're a regular Gabriel Iglesias.
242
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,255
I wouldn't say that. Fluffy's very talented.
243
00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,969
You really shouldn't make jokes about
the military like that.
244
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:30,297
Okay.
245
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,474
What are you guys gonna do,
give me a Code Red?
246
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,343
Actually not a bad idea.
247
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,562
Come on, guys, please. Don't do this.
248
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,143
Oh, no, man.
249
00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:42,897
Nothing like the taste of
Code Red on a hot day, am I right?
250
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,525
My butt hairs are all fizzy now.
251
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,027
I think Officer Pettytailwags
is looking a little thirsty.
252
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,696
What? Who's Officer Pettytailwags?
253
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,903
That's not good. That's not good.
That's not good.
254
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,912
That's not... Bad.
255
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,281
- Here we go...
- Ah!
256
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:57,950
Okay.
257
00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,084
Normally we spend our shore leave fucking.
258
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,746
Not teaching manners to phone jockeys.
259
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:04,838
Come on, Lance.
260
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:09,927
And so, at this point,
the patriarchy is so deeply
261
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:13,594
ingrained in modern society,
females are portrayed
262
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,971
almost exclusively as sex objects.
263
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,434
Sex objects.
264
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,387
She talking about dildos, or what?
265
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,101
Is there a problem, young man?
266
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,525
No, I just saw this hot chick
walk in with a book that said
267
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,945
"Sex" and I figured she was
leading me to the porno room,
268
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:28,938
but...
269
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,862
Young man, would you come down
here to the front of the room
270
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,027
and let us ask you some questions?
271
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,788
Oh, hell yeah, bitch. Cool.
272
00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,664
All right, this is fun.
273
00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:41,747
Damn, girl, you got some sweater meats
up there.
274
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:42,873
Fascinating.
275
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:45,455
Did you see how he wasn't able to take
276
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,417
more than just a few steps without
talking about sex?
277
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:52,421
It's really as if he has no control
over his base desires.
278
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:54,301
I didn't know I was going to
be in a room full of freakin'
279
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:59,303
hot young Mileys or else I probably
would've worn my big dick jeans!
280
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,058
He's insane!
281
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,191
You gotta you gotta be fresh
282
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,981
So this is our set.
283
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,899
It's, you know, pretty low-budget,
284
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,734
but I think it's going
to turn out really cool.
285
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,245
Wow. Okay, pinch me, am I dreaming?
286
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:20,206
This is awesome.
287
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,667
So what's the scene, mate?
288
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,165
Well, we improvise most of it.
289
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,873
Oh, okay,
all right, The League-Eng it.
290
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:31,130
Very smart. So do you guys work off of,
like, an outline or...
291
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,553
Well, this is Landon, the director.
292
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,805
Hey, how are you, Blake? Nice to meet you.
293
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:37,514
You ready to make a movie today?
294
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,099
You betcha, sir.
295
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:41,811
So tell me, Adam, what is it
you like about porn?
296
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,356
To begin with, um...
297
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:46,808
Everything.
298
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,861
Not to be, like, sentimental
and cheesy, but...
299
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,360
I love how they just...
300
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,525
Their soft cupping of the balls,
301
00:12:56,985 --> 00:13:00,034
and the general way they just
caress the shaft and...
302
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:03,033
All the gagging.
303
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:05,710
It's just beautiful to me.
304
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,538
Well, Adam, I have some bad news for you.
305
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,917
Those women are being exploited.
306
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,462
- Nope.
- No, it's true.
307
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,885
Many of them are confused, young actresses
308
00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,383
hoping to be in a movie.
309
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,719
Red leather, yellow leather.
310
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,813
- Right, here we go, have some acting juice.
- Oh, oh, are you kidding me?
311
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,690
They're offered drugs and alcohol
312
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,267
to lower their inhibitions.
313
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:30,818
They're victims, Adam.
314
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,812
So, nobody's told me,
like, what the scene is.
315
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,652
I know we're 'prov-ing it, she told me.
316
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,532
- Well, I'll tell you what.
- Uh-huh.
317
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:38,609
The scene is sit down right about here.
318
00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:40,403
- Uh-huh.
- And then Crystal
319
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,954
is gonna gobble your knob.
320
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,833
Shall we maybe do the scene before, though?
321
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,376
Like, when we, like meet each other, like...
322
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,162
No, we're good. All right?
323
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,337
Okay. Yeah.
324
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:53,208
Sad victims of a dark industry that caters
325
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:55,589
to perverted misogynists.
326
00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,428
Sorry, don't talk about porno like that.
327
00:13:57,587 --> 00:13:59,760
It's, like, fun. And we're ever...
They're all having fun.
328
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,391
We're not going to show the actual, urn...
329
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:05,311
- My penis, are we?
- They manipulate women
330
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:09,058
emotionally to make them
think they have no choice.
331
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,231
What's the matter, you don't like sex?
332
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:15,735
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.
It's just, urn...
333
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,615
You know what? I should go.
334
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,780
Hear my morn calling me. I gotta go.
I'm so sorry.
335
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,785
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell, man?
336
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:23,871
You drink my booze, you smoke my weed
337
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:25,038
and now you want to fucking leave?
338
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:26,411
- I don't think so, man.
- All right.
339
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,209
Hey, stop yelling at me!
340
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:30,419
All right? I just want to act!
341
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,460
I just want to act, okay?
342
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:35,462
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- Don't be mad, all right?
343
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,596
They break these women down
to get what they want.
344
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,932
- That's how they get them.
- You're in the big time now.
345
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,846
You're gonna act
and you don't want to disappoint
346
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,553
all these people, do you? Everybody's here
347
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:47,974
working hard to make you look good.
348
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,146
Why don't you take this and use that closet
349
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,894
to grease up your hog and then
you get your shit together
350
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,320
and we'll make some movies.
351
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:57,605
- Okay.
- Okay.
352
00:14:57,772 --> 00:15:00,366
- Stop it, you're scaring me.
- Good, you should be scared.
353
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:02,778
What if your mother was in this situation?
354
00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,990
My mommy doesn't make porno,
she makes ham sammiches.
355
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:10,285
But porn stars are women, just like your mom.
356
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,000
So some porn stars are...
357
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,925
Done from a long day on set
and they go home
358
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,296
and make a little boy ham sammiches?
359
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:20,090
Yes, Adam.
360
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:23,844
Porn stars make little boys
ham sammiches too.
361
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,433
I'm gonna find that porno room,
362
00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:31,389
and I'm not going to be the one
cranking down in the corner
363
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:33,516
and potentially being a stunt cock. No!
364
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,810
I'm gonna shut it down.
365
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:39,397
'Cause no mommy should go home
and make ham sammiches
366
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,901
for little boys with
ejaculate on their fingers.
367
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:44,486
I'm doing it.
368
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,696
For the mommies!
369
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,823
Look, I just wanted to apologize to you guys.
370
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:51,455
We got off on the wrong foot.
I'm here to clear the air.
371
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,210
With a Gabriel Iglesias-style joke.
372
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,463
- Better be funny.
- It's funny.
373
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,007
There's an Air Force guy
and a Coast Guard guy
374
00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,671
and they're walking down the street, right?
375
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:03,380
And they see this kid playing
with a pile of poop.
376
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,766
So they go, "Hey, kid, what are you making?"
377
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:09,310
Kid goes, "I'm making a pilot."
378
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,767
Nice.
379
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,602
- Get 'em.
- Air Force guy's like,
380
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:15,937
"What?" And then the kid says, uh,
381
00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:17,894
"Yeah, I would've made a Coast Guard,
382
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,399
"but I didn't have enough shit."
383
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:20,731
Frickin' see ya!
384
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:31,832
You guys chasing this guy?
385
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,330
Wanna help me get him off my ladder?
386
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:34,751
- Yeah.
- Hey, thanks.
387
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,374
Thanks for that, I really...
No, no, guys, come on.
388
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,210
- This is all set up?
- Looks dynamite.
389
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:40,587
Great. All right, I'm excited.
390
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,049
Whoa. Hey, there he is. Wow.
391
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:46,718
Hey, do you still want to do
that Australian voice? That could be fun.
392
00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:48,845
I don't care anymore.
393
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,677
Well, let's roll, people.
394
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,140
Time to get that dick out, homey.
395
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,767
Yeah.
396
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,648
Ah, stop, stop!
397
00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,438
Is this the porno? Cover up your bosoms.
398
00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,231
You could be my mommy. My mommy doesn't
399
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,438
have her boobies flopped out,
they're flopped in.
400
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:04,110
- What the hell is this? Who are all these...
- Shh!
401
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,447
The mirror.
402
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,948
I always crank down while
looking into a mirror.
403
00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:15,452
- Really.
- Yeah.
404
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,003
So I could see myself enjoying it.
405
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,247
It's not weird. A lot of
dudes do it nowadays.
406
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,624
It's, like, a millennial thing.
407
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,918
That doesn't matter. What matters is...
408
00:17:24,085 --> 00:17:25,962
The image is reversed.
409
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:29,382
That means the porno's not in room 18.
410
00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:32,761
It's in the reverse version of that.
411
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,722
Room... Uh...
412
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,474
- Eighty-one?
- Yep, that's it, s'go!
413
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:39,733
Stop it, I'm serious.
414
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:41,857
Come on, man, you already
made a dog toss my salad.
415
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,859
Stop it! Guys, okay, that's it.
416
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,857
That's it. Coming at ya.
417
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:49,823
He's hocking bombs.
418
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,245
Oh, bye.
419
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:02,047
Get that pecker out, buddy.
420
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,711
Working on it.
421
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,842
Time to get it out, though. Seriously.
422
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,219
- Okay, I can't.
- What?
423
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,259
I'm sorry, it's, like...
It's very small, all right?
424
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:12,387
It's like the... You know the
plastic thing at the end of a shoelace.
425
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,226
Just take it out now, man!
426
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,262
I need it now.
427
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,597
I need that penis, Blake.
428
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,197
We're like
fresh fresh fresh
429
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,445
Quit crying and let me see that donger, bro.
430
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:30,409
Just do it, man.
431
00:18:30,484 --> 00:18:31,736
- I am!
- Take your dick out...
432
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,662
Party's over, porno boy!
433
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,536
Blake...
434
00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:37,700
You're the one who's doing the porno?
435
00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:40,870
New Adam is mad at you for doing this porno,
436
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:42,796
and old Adam is frickin' pissed
you didn't invite him,
437
00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:46,046
so now you have two mad Adams
to answer to.
438
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,339
- Man, I'm, like...
- Two mad Adams!
439
00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:48,761
- I'm sorry, all right?
- Madams!
440
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,053
I'm mad at myself too.
441
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,263
- Hey?
- Ders?
442
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:52,886
Help, somebody please let me in.
443
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:58,726
Oh, jeez, you are feeling fat
as hell. Oh, my God.
444
00:18:58,971 --> 00:18:59,972
What is going on in here, though?
445
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,439
He gave me a bunch of beer and, like,
446
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:03,059
she gave me some weed
and then they're, like, telling me
447
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,394
to show my little Henderson, I'm like,
448
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,024
- "Dude, I don't want to."
- That's what they do.
449
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,988
That's what they do. Shh, cover your bosoms,
450
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,275
cover your bosoms.
Because I'm about to save you
451
00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:12,819
and this poor, sweet, innocent girl Crystal
452
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:15,746
from her evil oppressor Landon,
who I actually
453
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,328
- appreciate his films!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
454
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,209
- Don't do that. Don't.
- Come at me, bro!
455
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:21,494
You don't even know... You don't even know
456
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,295
what you're doing
because he washed your brain.
457
00:19:23,746 --> 00:19:26,044
Look, I'm... I'm not brainwashed.
458
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,295
You know I'm a producer on this.
459
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:28,922
I own 40% of the company.
460
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,254
Plus, I love to squirt on film.
461
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,512
It's kind of my thing.
462
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:36,718
So, you're telling me that
some girls do like doing pornog.
463
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,891
- Oh, yeah.
- That's right, Adam.
464
00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:41,184
No man has a right to tell a woman
465
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,389
what to do with her body.
466
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:44,900
Even if she's being sexually exploited.
467
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,111
I knew you were an idiot. Hell yeah!
468
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:50,235
Cool. I'm a big fan.
469
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,408
Give me that paper back
or you're a dead man.
470
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:54,281
You got me running all over campus.
471
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,616
I should be chasing chicks, not dudes!
472
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,038
Wait, hold up!
473
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,788
You want to be chasing chicks,
what, are you guys trying
474
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:02,160
to get your bone on or something?
475
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,620
- Oh, yeah.
- Cool.
476
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:07,920
Well, what if these bros
get in your little movie?
477
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,709
That's a... That's a good idea. Maybe do
478
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,468
kind of a Coast Guard gangbang
kind of thing.
479
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,129
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And if you guys want to, like,
480
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,714
get crazy, get weird, they've got this little
481
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:16,970
French bulldog that you know
can toss a salad...
482
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,477
- Uh-huh, sure.
- Like, it's crazy good.
483
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,520
How do you know that?
484
00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,936
Could. It could toss a salad.
You know, it could.
485
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,316
You know it could.
486
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:29,232
Guys, this is great, I think
we're going to get, like, all 100 contacts.
487
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,654
- Nice.
- Thanks for the help.
488
00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:32,983
Probably should've just asked
you right from the jump, huh?
489
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,029
- No.
- We would've ditched you.
490
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,569
Immediately. That was our whole game plan.
491
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,700
- Okay, good.
- Totally. But, hey, what do you say
492
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,664
we go back to being best friends, huh?
493
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,914
Let's do it, man. Let's
do it, this is awesome.
494
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,837
Go ahead? Also, oh, I was thinking
495
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,664
we should, urn...
496
00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:50,250
We should definitely get a dog for the house.
497
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:51,424
For, like, security and stuff.
498
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:54,094
- Like, not... To, like, play with.
- Oh.
499
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:56,797
That dog licked your butthole, didn't it?
500
00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:03,729
Just do it! What is your problem?
501
00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,393
Wait.
502
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:07,521
Oh, Jesus, how hard...
503
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:14,524
You're not taking a shit,
you're taking off your pants!
504
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:16,696
Let's see that dick, man!
505
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:27,500
Ripped By mstoll