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Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)
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You have a boyfriend?
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I have a boyfriend.
Is it that hard to believe?
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I got a boyfriend. His name's Ryan.
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- How the hell did you get a boyfriend?
- I met him on Bunchers.
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Right, so you went on a group date
with ugly chicks...
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to make yourself look good
and tricked a guy.
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Yes, of course. That's exactly what I did.
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And it worked well.
And-And now we're going steady.
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- That's a good trick.
- Bunchers... sounds like the '70s.
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Bunch of people would get together.
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Next thing you know,
it was all asses and hands and tits and...
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I could slip right in and out
without anybody noticing. It was great.
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I can definitely brush up on my game.
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I don't know if you guys have
noticed this, but, like...
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I'm kind of having a hard time closing
the deal with the waitress.
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- I-I-Is he...
- Yeah, we've noticed.
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Maybe I can go on some group dates with you,
and you can show me some skills...
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and I can figure out
the final move that I need to...
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Oh, let's do them at Paddy's.
We could make a bunch of money.
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- That's a good idea.
- We can make a bunch of money.
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I'll tell you what, as an erotic man...
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I have been keeping my eye
on this Bunchers situation...
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and I gotta say... I'm into it.
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I'll tell you what.
I will take you two under my wing...
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and show you the DENNIS system in action.
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Sounds great. I, myself, am all tied down,
so I can't participate.
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But, uh, I think
it'd be great to jump in on this trend.
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- Mm-hmm.
- All right. Here's to orgies.
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- I'm, like, sweating through my pants.
- Yeah.
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- Do you want some cheese?
- You brought cheese?
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- Yeah, need some?
- Yeah.
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Let me see that. Right?
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Focus up, guys. Come on.
The girls are gonna be here soon. Cheese.
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Right. Why do you have a dog leash?
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Oh. Good question. Yeah.
It's for the first "D" in the DENNIS system.
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See, the girls will see the leash, and I'll
say, "I've got a rescue dog outside"...
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thereby, "D," demonstrating my value
as a compassionate man.
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- Right. - Later, when we go
outside, the dog will be missing.
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I'll become hysterical and suggest that
maybe the dog ran back to the apartment.
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We'll go back to the apartment. The dog won't
be there either, and the girl will console me.
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- With sex.
- Oh!
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- What happened to the dog?
- He let it go.
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It probably got
obliterated by a taxi or something.
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- Bet that's what happened. Shit. Poor thing.
- No, no, no.
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There never was a dog.
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- Oh, my God!
- Wait, wait, wait.
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- There was no dog?
- Wait, I am totally lost here.
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- It's a made-up scenario... Follow my lead.
- I thought you got a dog.
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Hey. Mac, Charlie and Dennis?
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- Yes! Hi.
- Good evening, ladies.
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- Hi, baby.
- What the hell?
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- Thanks.
- All right.
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Oh, I am gonna make
a shitload of cash tonight, which is good...
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because I just dropped a whole bunch of
money on a new promise ring for my man.
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Oh, you're proposing? Good.
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Smart. Corral him,
because God knows he'll never ask you.
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No, I'm not proposing. I'm promising my
fidelity in our new relationship.
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I deactivated my Bunchers account...
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and I changed my Facebook status
to "in a relationship."
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Why would you do that?
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I told you. 'Cause we're going steady.
He's my main squeeze.
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You sound like a 12-year-old.
It's a total turnoff.
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My cock ring is sliding off.
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Why my father is talking to me...
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with a cinch around his penis
is beyond my grasp.
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You gotta be ready
for when the orgy breaks out.
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Oh, shit. It fell off.
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- Oh!
- Help me find it.
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What, this guy?
Oh, well, he... His name's Henry.
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- He's a dog.
- He's a dog.
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Uh, yeah.
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Named him after my grandfather,
who I'm very, very close to.
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No, Henry's a great little guy.
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I tell ya, when I snuggle up
next to him on the couch, I'd swear that...
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He was the one who rescued me.
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- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Oh, God.
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The waitress got bit by a chow once, and I
kicked the shit out of the thing.
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- You kicked a dog?
- Yeah.
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- Well, you know, for the waitress.
- Who's the waitress?
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- Nobody, nobody.
- Oh, I'm sorry. No.
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Nobody? She's the woman I'm in love with,
you know?
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I follow her around a lot.
She doesn't really give me the time of day.
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That's cool though,
'cause I'm not gonna give up on her.
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You don't give up
on something that beautiful.
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- All right.
- She's not beautiful.
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Everybody's banged her, except for me.
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She was like, "I want to do hand stuff,"
and I was like, "You're gross."
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- Keep this up. See what happens.
- Yeah, what are you gonna do?
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- I will strike you down.
- Okay.
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- I will strike you down!
- You're gonna strike me down?
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Hang on. See? That's a...
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- That's our thing.
- They're doing a bit.
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Sorry, that was a joke.
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- You wanna do something fun?
- Yeah.
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- I do, I do.
- Yeah.
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- Let's mix up the seating arrangement.
- We'll mix up the seating.
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Kim, I'm detecting a little bit
of a vibe from you...
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- so why don't you come sit where
he's sitting? - I'll move!
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- You sit where she's sitting.
- I'll stay here.
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No, you're gonna
switch places with Becky.
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Right? Because while I don't particularly
find you conventionally attractive...
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I do find you oddly sexy.
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Excuse me?
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That was a compliment.
Um, sorry, that came out weird.
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Excuse me.
You guys work here, right?
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- Yeah.
- Can I get a drink?
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Y... Go ask one of the other ones.
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- What other ones? - The other ones...
the bird lady, the-the troll man.
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- Ask them for a drink. We're on a date.
- Are you touching my leg?
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Ah,
he's engaging you physically.
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- Don't label it.
- You were supposed to want that...
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because he was supposed to tell the dog story
to demonstrate his value, and I botched it.
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- He has a system for women.
- W-Well, don't talk about the system.
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The system happens without them knowing it.
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- There is no system.
- Yeah, yeah.
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- And there is no dog.
- The system is not a thing.
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The dog is a thing. Uh, guys. Let's, um...
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Let's talk about something fun,
that's fun for me.
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Don't move away from me. What...
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You're moving closer to men who eat trash
or bang transsexuals?
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Move close to me!
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Ryan?
Hi!
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- How are you?
- Dee! Oh, hey, what's up?
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Are you surprising me at work, you stinker?
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I love that! You're so cute.
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Guess what.
I got you a little surprise too.
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Yeah. I didn't know you worked here.
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It's so strange.
Um, yeah, I'm actually on a Buncher.
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- Wait. What?
- Yeah, they should be here any minute.
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It was good seeing you.
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- Oh.
- What do you got? What's in the box?
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No, that... That's just a...
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It's a cock ring.
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- It's a cock ring, just from all my lovers.
- Oh.
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- It's kind of small, huh?
- Well, it's my dad's.
137
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So...
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Huh. Weird.
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- I'm breaking up with you.
- Right.
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Well, I didn't know that we were together.
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Look, can I get a beer?
142
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We killed it, boys.
We killed it. This was a great idea.
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Yeah, but the date sucked.
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No, I think the date went pretty well for
me. It did suck for you guys though.
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Those girls are probably
at their apartments right now...
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trying to figure out
how to get in touch with me.
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Unbelievable. Goddamn son of a bitch.
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Buy you a promise ring, you're out flitting
around, dating other people?
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I shouldn't have given this guy
a five-star rating.
150
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He didn't deserve it,
and then he used it against me!
151
00:08:43,903 --> 00:08:45,564
What's this now? You're rating people?
152
00:08:45,638 --> 00:08:49,130
Yeah, it's that site, Raters.
Girls can rate guys they go on dates with.
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00:08:49,209 --> 00:08:50,836
They rate them? Like...
154
00:08:50,910 --> 00:08:52,741
- What do you mean? A star
rating or something? - Yeah.
155
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I'm gonna take that guy's five-star rating,
I'm gonna give him a zero.
156
00:08:56,049 --> 00:08:59,416
- Hey, wait a second.
- Hang on a second. Are we rated on there?
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Yep.
158
00:09:01,654 --> 00:09:02,712
- Ah!
- We are?
159
00:09:02,789 --> 00:09:04,313
- What?
- Holy shit.
160
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Let me see. Oh!
161
00:09:07,126 --> 00:09:08,855
Wait. One star? Out of five?
162
00:09:08,928 --> 00:09:09,917
- Yep, yep.
- No, no.
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Oh, shit!
Me and Charlie got two stars!
164
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Oh! Nice!
We're better than you, dude!
165
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That's bullshit. No, no.
166
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The only reason I was rated one star...
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is 'cause I was brought down
by you two morons, all right?
168
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I was a five-star man before the Internet...
169
00:09:22,275 --> 00:09:24,106
and I'm damn sure a five-star man now.
170
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I just gotta drop the dead weight
so I can shine.
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Goddamn it.
172
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Goddamn it!
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He's out, I'm in. Let's swing.
174
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Oh, this poor jerk has no idea.
175
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He's about to get played
like a goddamn guitar.
176
00:09:45,131 --> 00:09:47,463
- Only one guy?
- Yeah. I'm doing Sparkers now.
177
00:09:47,533 --> 00:09:49,728
Isn't that what you're doing? You got rid
of Mac and Charlie.
178
00:09:49,802 --> 00:09:52,896
Yeah, no, I did,
but I still want three girls, you know?
179
00:09:52,972 --> 00:09:54,462
- I like having the options.
- Yeah.
180
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I'll make some shit up
about where the other guys are.
181
00:09:56,609 --> 00:09:59,339
- Can I get a drink, please?
- Not now. Ask one of the other ones.
182
00:09:59,412 --> 00:10:00,936
- Yeah.
- The dirty one or the gay one.
183
00:10:01,014 --> 00:10:02,709
Frank, why do we have to be in here?
184
00:10:02,782 --> 00:10:05,250
We should be out there,
gettin' our swings in, dude.
185
00:10:05,318 --> 00:10:08,310
Because we're not ready.
We need a game plan.
186
00:10:08,388 --> 00:10:10,618
We can't risk losing our two-star rating.
187
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:11,918
- That's a good point.
- Right.
188
00:10:11,991 --> 00:10:13,458
- Don't want to lose any stars.
- Okay.
189
00:10:13,526 --> 00:10:15,721
A good date is all about conversation.
190
00:10:15,795 --> 00:10:18,889
If we could master some pleasant banter...
191
00:10:18,965 --> 00:10:22,958
and then punctuate it with a joke,
we'd be in good shape.
192
00:10:23,036 --> 00:10:24,970
- Sounds easy enough.
- Yeah, all right. We can do that.
193
00:10:25,038 --> 00:10:28,599
Okay, all right. What are some of the things
we could talk about?
194
00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:31,803
- Ah. Creatine shits.
- Creatine shits?
195
00:10:31,878 --> 00:10:33,539
Yeah. Oh, creatine is a workout supplement.
196
00:10:33,613 --> 00:10:35,274
It shows that I care about my body.
197
00:10:35,348 --> 00:10:37,509
What's shitting it out
got to do with anything?
198
00:10:37,583 --> 00:10:40,017
Oh, well, that demonstrates
an inside knowledge of the product.
199
00:10:40,086 --> 00:10:42,179
It shows that I'm not just mentioning it,
I actually use it.
200
00:10:42,255 --> 00:10:43,984
No. I think we should avoid...
201
00:10:44,057 --> 00:10:48,517
talking about muscles
and men's bodies and shits.
202
00:10:48,594 --> 00:10:50,425
I mean, it sends the wrong message.
203
00:10:50,496 --> 00:10:52,862
We should also avoid
talking about the waitress, Charlie.
204
00:10:52,932 --> 00:10:55,196
Why? It's, like,
a super romantic thing to talk about.
205
00:10:55,268 --> 00:10:56,758
It's a love story for the ages.
206
00:10:56,836 --> 00:10:58,929
Yeah,
I think you should actually bring it up.
207
00:10:59,005 --> 00:11:01,473
Also, who's gonna say grace? We should
figure that out now.
208
00:11:01,541 --> 00:11:06,843
Wait, wait, okay. Listen. Maybe we should
concentrate on stuff not to talk about.
209
00:11:11,284 --> 00:11:14,481
So, what, you're, like,
a chiropractor or some shit?
210
00:11:14,554 --> 00:11:17,682
- A spinal surgeon actually.
- Cool. Yeah, cool.
211
00:11:17,757 --> 00:11:20,954
Oh, what, this? Henry. Henry the dog.
212
00:11:21,027 --> 00:11:23,791
He's lost. Probably dead.
213
00:11:23,863 --> 00:11:26,491
Look,
let's cut to the chase. I like you.
214
00:11:26,566 --> 00:11:28,329
I like you very much.
215
00:11:28,401 --> 00:11:31,427
This is gonna happen. Cheers.
216
00:11:35,375 --> 00:11:38,538
- Whoa! That's strong.
- Mmm.
217
00:11:38,611 --> 00:11:40,408
I'm not much of a drinker.
218
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,380
No? I'll get two more.
219
00:11:44,650 --> 00:11:46,641
Hey. Hi.
220
00:11:46,719 --> 00:11:47,743
- Hi.
- Hi.
221
00:11:47,820 --> 00:11:51,256
So, um, where are the other guys?
222
00:11:51,324 --> 00:11:53,155
Oh, yeah, it's... Fair enough.
223
00:11:53,226 --> 00:11:55,285
The other guys got tied up.
They couldn't make it.
224
00:11:55,361 --> 00:11:58,888
But, uh, fortunately,
I possess all of their good qualities.
225
00:11:58,965 --> 00:12:00,694
All right.
226
00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:03,429
- Ladies, these things can be a
little bit awkward, right? - Yes.
227
00:12:03,503 --> 00:12:05,232
- What do you say we do some shots?
- Yes, please.
228
00:12:05,304 --> 00:12:08,705
- Please.
- Yeah, let's do it. Oh! What is that?
229
00:12:08,775 --> 00:12:10,504
What are you doing? Are you rating me?
230
00:12:10,576 --> 00:12:12,373
No. No, I'm just checking my phone.
231
00:12:12,445 --> 00:12:14,777
Oh. That's cool. Cool.
232
00:12:14,847 --> 00:12:16,872
If you were to rate me, what would you put?
233
00:12:16,949 --> 00:12:19,179
- I don't know. I...
- Oh.
234
00:12:20,386 --> 00:12:22,911
You can't not know, right?
That's stupid.
235
00:12:22,989 --> 00:12:24,479
It's simple. It's one out of five.
236
00:12:24,557 --> 00:12:27,492
If it were a one-out-of-five thing, and
it is, what would you give me?
237
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,120
The obvious five-star rating,
or would you be a liar?
238
00:12:30,196 --> 00:12:32,460
Can we... stop talking about ratings?
239
00:12:32,532 --> 00:12:35,399
Yeah.
240
00:12:35,468 --> 00:12:37,527
Of course we can.
That's stupid. Why would we even...
241
00:12:37,603 --> 00:12:39,969
Yeah. Oh!
I have a rescue dog outside.
242
00:12:41,474 --> 00:12:42,998
- Okay.
- That was jarring.
243
00:12:43,076 --> 00:12:44,941
There was no context for that.
Sorry, sorry.
244
00:12:45,011 --> 00:12:48,378
I'm just... Sorry. My rhythm's a little bit...
is a little bit off.
245
00:12:48,448 --> 00:12:50,939
I'm thrown because...
I-I kind of want to just...
246
00:12:51,017 --> 00:12:54,578
Can we just get the rating thing out of the
way? I feel like it's a thing now.
247
00:12:54,654 --> 00:12:57,452
What's going on here, dude?
Were there really other guys?
248
00:12:57,523 --> 00:12:59,889
Of course there were.
I don't like the way you asked that.
249
00:12:59,959 --> 00:13:02,393
- Switch with her.
- Oh, my God. You know what?
250
00:13:02,462 --> 00:13:04,054
I think we're gonna go.
251
00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:06,325
Okay, fine.
Then I don't want you to rate me.
252
00:13:06,399 --> 00:13:09,129
- That's not what I want anymore.
- I was never going to rate you.
253
00:13:09,202 --> 00:13:11,568
- But now... I definitely am.
- Oh.
254
00:13:11,637 --> 00:13:13,832
- How many stars?
- Oh, my God!
255
00:13:13,906 --> 00:13:15,737
God.
256
00:13:15,808 --> 00:13:18,709
Looks like the spider caught herself a fly.
257
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:24,940
Uh, we can't talk about snakes or smells?
What else is there?
258
00:13:25,017 --> 00:13:27,485
- Uh, can you put Jews in the "yes" column?
- What?
259
00:13:27,553 --> 00:13:29,418
We gotta get it out in the open.
260
00:13:29,489 --> 00:13:32,185
- Leave the Jews out of it.
- No, because they have their "J" sites.
261
00:13:32,258 --> 00:13:35,022
They don't wanna be with us as much as
we don't wanna be with them.
262
00:13:35,094 --> 00:13:38,154
- I don't support any of that.
- No, no, that-that-that...
263
00:13:38,231 --> 00:13:41,064
I'm concerned the person I'm gonna be dating
killed the savior of the world.
264
00:13:41,134 --> 00:13:43,932
- That's all! That's all I'm concerned about!
- Put religion in the "no."
265
00:13:44,003 --> 00:13:46,369
- Let's switch gears and go to the joke.
- Yeah.
266
00:13:46,439 --> 00:13:49,636
Oh, oh!
I got a great one about a dago fisherman.
267
00:13:49,709 --> 00:13:52,906
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Ethnic jokes are really dicey.
268
00:13:52,979 --> 00:13:54,913
You can't do that. You gotta keep it light.
269
00:13:54,981 --> 00:13:57,677
Like, uh, a cowboy and a teacher
walk into a bar.
270
00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:00,241
Yeah, but that doesn't
make sense, 'cause cowboys hate teachers.
271
00:14:00,319 --> 00:14:02,947
Cowboys are independent thinkers who
like to learn for themselves.
272
00:14:03,022 --> 00:14:05,855
All right, look.
I think we're gettin' bogged down here.
273
00:14:05,925 --> 00:14:10,624
Why don't we just go out and do a dry run with
some broads and see how we do on our feet?
274
00:14:10,696 --> 00:14:12,857
Okay, but what about our stars? I mean...
275
00:14:12,932 --> 00:14:15,526
If things go wrong,
I'll blow this whistle...
276
00:14:15,601 --> 00:14:18,695
and call the date before they have a chance
to get to know us.
277
00:14:18,771 --> 00:14:19,795
Mmm.
278
00:14:19,872 --> 00:14:21,999
Let's just keep it simple.
279
00:14:22,074 --> 00:14:24,133
Let's just start with our names.
280
00:14:24,210 --> 00:14:26,576
Hi, ladies. I'm Frack.
281
00:14:26,646 --> 00:14:28,580
Shit.
282
00:14:37,390 --> 00:14:39,449
Now I'm a half a star? Half a star?
283
00:14:39,525 --> 00:14:41,049
How does a five-star man get a...
284
00:14:41,127 --> 00:14:43,595
You know what? It's these group dates.
285
00:14:43,663 --> 00:14:45,597
That's what's doing it.
There's just too many variables.
286
00:14:45,665 --> 00:14:47,257
The girls feel too safe.
287
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,733
I gotta get 'em in a one-on-one scenario.
288
00:14:49,802 --> 00:14:53,033
- Sorry. I've gotta get to work at the hospital.
- The hospital. Do you?
289
00:14:53,105 --> 00:14:56,370
Yeah. I've never had
a one-night stand before.
290
00:14:56,442 --> 00:14:58,307
- Mmm, mmm.
- I... hope this isn't that.
291
00:14:58,377 --> 00:15:00,504
Oh, no! I'm gonna call you.
292
00:15:00,580 --> 00:15:02,138
Okay.
293
00:15:02,215 --> 00:15:05,207
Call you one star, bitch. Ha!
294
00:15:05,284 --> 00:15:07,912
- Pass me that computer.
- What are you doing? One star?
295
00:15:07,987 --> 00:15:09,579
- That guy was awesome.
- Hmm.
296
00:15:09,655 --> 00:15:13,182
- Is he a doctor? - Yeah, he was a
doctor and super hot. This feels good.
297
00:15:13,259 --> 00:15:15,693
Okay, you know what? You're a heartless pig.
That's what's happening.
298
00:15:15,761 --> 00:15:19,094
You lead a man on, have sex with him and
throw him in the trash?
299
00:15:19,165 --> 00:15:20,894
You've been doing that to women for years.
300
00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:24,198
Yes, but I don't rate them online
for everyone to see.
301
00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:27,501
- Don't all your sex tapes have star ratings?
- Yeah, but that's different.
302
00:15:27,573 --> 00:15:29,564
That doesn't go on the Internet.
That's just for me.
303
00:15:30,509 --> 00:15:32,204
And Mac. And Charlie.
304
00:15:32,278 --> 00:15:34,678
Okay. You know what?
It doesn't matter. It's my turn.
305
00:15:34,747 --> 00:15:38,205
This is my time.
It's Dee's time. I even have my own system.
306
00:15:38,284 --> 00:15:39,615
The DEE system.
307
00:15:39,685 --> 00:15:42,483
Do them.
Establish low rating. Increase power.
308
00:15:42,555 --> 00:15:44,455
Increase is spelled with an "I."
309
00:15:44,523 --> 00:15:48,425
Okay, well, then, uh,
infuriate them when they find out...
310
00:15:48,494 --> 00:15:50,462
- Another "I."
- Empower!
311
00:15:50,529 --> 00:15:52,087
It doesn't... The word doesn't matter.
312
00:15:52,164 --> 00:15:54,189
It's-It's the system...
Ah, I don't care about you.
313
00:15:54,267 --> 00:15:55,825
You know what?
This is the problem, Dee.
314
00:15:55,901 --> 00:15:58,529
You can't even spell,
much less come up with a decent system.
315
00:15:58,604 --> 00:16:02,438
And now your slapdash opinions are gonna be
thrown across the Internet for everyone to see.
316
00:16:02,508 --> 00:16:04,567
You know, these ratings,
they follow a man around.
317
00:16:04,644 --> 00:16:06,168
They're gonna ruin this man's reputation.
318
00:16:06,245 --> 00:16:07,735
Well, sucks to be him.
319
00:16:17,757 --> 00:16:19,349
But the thing about a rating is...
320
00:16:19,425 --> 00:16:21,985
you don't know the quality of the person
who's giving the rating, right?
321
00:16:22,061 --> 00:16:25,462
I mean, for instance, some dum-dum goes into
a Morton's Steakhouse.
322
00:16:25,531 --> 00:16:29,467
She orders a steak well-done and then complains
when the damn thing comes out too dry.
323
00:16:29,535 --> 00:16:32,936
Well, it's like, "Hey, dum-dum, you ordered
the damn thing well-done.
324
00:16:33,005 --> 00:16:35,132
That's why it's dry, you stupid idiot."
325
00:16:35,207 --> 00:16:37,266
Not bad, a little stiff.
326
00:16:37,343 --> 00:16:39,504
Got tripped up on
the conversation portion...
327
00:16:39,578 --> 00:16:41,136
- but we're improving.
- Mm-hmm.
328
00:16:41,213 --> 00:16:42,908
- Hey.
- Oh, hey. How'd your date go?
329
00:16:42,982 --> 00:16:44,643
Uh, not great. She ditched me.
330
00:16:44,717 --> 00:16:47,982
Yeah, this rating thing... It's messing with
my head. It's throwing my game off.
331
00:16:48,054 --> 00:16:50,215
I think I need to target
some more undesirable women. You know?
332
00:16:50,289 --> 00:16:53,122
Pick up some easy stars.
I think that'll get me out of this funk.
333
00:16:53,192 --> 00:16:55,057
- We made it past introductions.
- Oh, yeah?
334
00:16:55,127 --> 00:16:56,617
Yeah, and...
335
00:16:59,832 --> 00:17:01,561
Wow, check out Dee, man. She's killing it!
336
00:17:01,634 --> 00:17:03,568
- She's got it down!
- Forget her!
337
00:17:03,636 --> 00:17:06,332
- Let's get back on the horse.
- All right. Come on.
338
00:17:06,405 --> 00:17:09,033
- So you guys own this bar?
- Officially, yes.
339
00:17:09,108 --> 00:17:10,632
Unofficially, we're so much more.
340
00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:14,009
- I like to think of us as mercenaries,
a strike force... -
341
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,049
Frank's management.
I'm security. Charlie bashes rats.
342
00:17:17,116 --> 00:17:19,641
I don't really bash 'em so much
as drown them these days...
343
00:17:19,719 --> 00:17:22,085
so I don't have to listen to their screams.
344
00:17:22,154 --> 00:17:25,146
He's a five-star dog 'cause I wouldn't
rescue a four-star or a three-star dog...
345
00:17:25,224 --> 00:17:26,691
certainly not a half-star dog.
346
00:17:40,239 --> 00:17:43,538
Oh, I like cats too. I actually have 80 of
them that live in my alleyway.
347
00:17:43,609 --> 00:17:45,736
Too many cats. Sounds strange.
348
00:17:45,811 --> 00:17:47,904
I have eight cats that sleep in my sink.
349
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:49,447
Still too many.
350
00:17:49,515 --> 00:17:52,678
I don't have any cats,
but I sure do enjoy them.
351
00:17:54,019 --> 00:17:55,953
I mean, half a star?
352
00:17:56,021 --> 00:17:58,546
It doesn't change
the five-star man, who he is.
353
00:17:58,624 --> 00:18:01,058
I'm a five-star man! I'm a five-star man!
354
00:18:15,741 --> 00:18:19,734
One. One. One. One.
355
00:18:19,812 --> 00:18:22,440
One. One.
356
00:18:29,355 --> 00:18:31,789
I'm a five-star man!
357
00:18:37,229 --> 00:18:40,062
- Hello, Dennis.
- Hi.
358
00:18:40,132 --> 00:18:41,963
Hi. Thank you so much for coming.
359
00:18:42,034 --> 00:18:44,002
Uh, please, sit.
360
00:18:46,739 --> 00:18:48,673
So, what do you want?
361
00:18:48,741 --> 00:18:52,404
Frankly, I've... I've hit
a bit of a rough patch.
362
00:18:52,478 --> 00:18:57,415
And it's made me realize
that I have not been the best to women.
363
00:18:57,483 --> 00:18:58,973
You included.
364
00:18:59,051 --> 00:19:01,918
I've manipulated. I've judged.
365
00:19:01,987 --> 00:19:04,956
I've ignored your feelings
for pursuits of the flesh.
366
00:19:06,358 --> 00:19:09,555
But now I know what it feels like
to be completely unwanted...
367
00:19:09,628 --> 00:19:11,289
like you.
368
00:19:11,363 --> 00:19:14,298
And... it doesn't feel good.
369
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:18,667
Oh, that's... really big of you to say.
370
00:19:19,839 --> 00:19:21,864
This is for you.
371
00:19:21,941 --> 00:19:23,465
- My God, are you proposing?
- No.
372
00:19:23,542 --> 00:19:25,601
No, no. No.
373
00:19:25,678 --> 00:19:28,977
I'm not proposing. I would never, uh...
374
00:19:30,549 --> 00:19:33,279
No, this is, um... It's a promise ring.
375
00:19:33,352 --> 00:19:36,617
- Oh.
- So, from now on, Waitress...
376
00:19:36,689 --> 00:19:39,681
I promise to be nice and true.
377
00:19:39,758 --> 00:19:42,488
- I have a name.
- Do you want the ring or not?
378
00:19:42,561 --> 00:19:44,358
I do, yes. Thank you.
379
00:19:44,430 --> 00:19:46,898
Wow! Thank you.
380
00:19:46,966 --> 00:19:52,632
And in return, of course, I would ask that
you promise something to me.
381
00:19:52,705 --> 00:19:54,798
- To be your girlfriend.
- No!
382
00:19:55,708 --> 00:19:57,642
No. Stop, okay?
383
00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:59,507
D-Don't do that.
384
00:19:59,578 --> 00:20:02,308
Just need you to give me a good rating
on an Internet Web site.
385
00:20:02,381 --> 00:20:04,815
- Oh, okay. Yeah, sure. I can...
- Yeah?
386
00:20:04,884 --> 00:20:06,977
- Yeah.
- That would mean so much to me.
387
00:20:07,052 --> 00:20:08,542
- It really would.
- Okay.
388
00:20:08,621 --> 00:20:10,919
I, um... I don't have online though.
389
00:20:10,990 --> 00:20:14,323
- What does that... You don't have online?
- No.
390
00:20:14,393 --> 00:20:16,918
What the hell does that...
You can just do it on your phone.
391
00:20:16,996 --> 00:20:20,090
My phone is... It's so old.
392
00:20:20,165 --> 00:20:22,429
Oh, my God!
That phone is preposterous!
393
00:20:22,501 --> 00:20:24,901
- How long have you had that?
- Nine... Ninety...
394
00:20:24,970 --> 00:20:27,734
Ninety! How do you get on the Internet?
395
00:20:27,806 --> 00:20:29,933
I don't. I don't do, like, the e-mails.
396
00:20:30,009 --> 00:20:32,807
"The e-mails"?
It's e-mail. It's just e-mail.
397
00:20:32,878 --> 00:20:35,176
Who doesn't have the Internet
in this day and age?
398
00:20:35,247 --> 00:20:36,737
What am I doing?
399
00:20:36,815 --> 00:20:39,579
Why am I lowering myself to this?
I don't need your approval.
400
00:20:39,652 --> 00:20:41,677
Goddamn. I don't need anyone's approval.
This is stupid.
401
00:20:41,754 --> 00:20:43,779
What are you doing, huh?
You rating me right now?
402
00:20:43,856 --> 00:20:46,222
Well, guess what. Go ahead, rate me!
403
00:20:46,292 --> 00:20:49,386
'Cause I'll rate you, huh?
Go ahead, rate me! I don't give a shit!
404
00:20:49,461 --> 00:20:51,019
Rate... I'll rate you!
405
00:20:51,096 --> 00:20:53,257
Zero! Zero! Zero! Rate!
406
00:20:53,332 --> 00:20:54,321
- Okay, sir...
- Rate!
407
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,027
- Sir, you need to leave, okay?
- Rate! Rate!
408
00:20:56,101 --> 00:20:59,593
Zero! Zero! I will rate every single woman
in this restaurant!
409
00:21:02,841 --> 00:21:05,537
- So, he had the mule...
- But he forgot the water.
410
00:21:05,611 --> 00:21:07,875
Then the guy looks up and he says,
"Wait a second.
411
00:21:07,947 --> 00:21:10,040
Where am I? In Ohio?"
412
00:21:12,751 --> 00:21:14,582
You guys are so funny.
413
00:21:14,653 --> 00:21:16,382
Oh, thanks, thanks.
414
00:21:16,455 --> 00:21:18,423
Can you give us a second?
415
00:21:18,490 --> 00:21:20,788
- Holy shit!
- What the fuck are we gonna do?
416
00:21:20,859 --> 00:21:23,487
- We've never gotten this far!
- These girls are ready to bang.
417
00:21:23,562 --> 00:21:26,588
- What do we say? What do we do?
- We're gonna have to go off script.
418
00:21:26,665 --> 00:21:28,895
No, no, Frank,
blow the whistle. Call it, call it.
419
00:21:28,968 --> 00:21:31,266
- We gotta bail.
- What, are you kidding me?
420
00:21:31,337 --> 00:21:34,135
Are you crazy?
We've come too far to call it!
421
00:21:34,206 --> 00:21:36,140
- My stomach's killing me.
Should we talk about that? - No.
422
00:21:36,208 --> 00:21:38,142
- I got the shits. I do have the shits.
- No, no!
423
00:21:38,210 --> 00:21:40,303
Not good. Try another joke, quick!
424
00:21:40,379 --> 00:21:42,609
Another joke. I got it.
425
00:21:43,749 --> 00:21:45,683
Ladies, got another one for you.
426
00:21:45,751 --> 00:21:48,982
- There's this dago fisherman...
- Oh, shit!
427
00:21:49,054 --> 00:21:51,147
No, no, Charlie! Charlie, we got it.
428
00:21:51,223 --> 00:21:52,747
Oh, shit!
429
00:21:52,825 --> 00:21:55,487
- There goes my cock ring!
- His cock ring fell!
430
00:21:55,561 --> 00:21:57,859
I got the power, girls.
You think you can rate me? Bullshit!
431
00:21:57,930 --> 00:22:00,091
Rate...
Zero! Zero! Zero rating!
432
00:22:00,165 --> 00:22:03,532
Zero rating! Ha-ha! Yeah, I got the power!
How does it feel, ladies?
433
00:22:03,602 --> 00:22:06,036
I don't give a shit. Yeah!
Get the hell outta...
434
00:22:06,105 --> 00:22:09,302
You know what? I want every single lady
in here out of here!
435
00:22:09,375 --> 00:22:12,276
Where... Where are all... are all the ladies?
436
00:22:12,344 --> 00:22:14,574
Oh, uh, you know,
the crowd's kind of been thinning out.
437
00:22:14,647 --> 00:22:16,842
I think it's because
we haven't really been tending bar.
438
00:22:16,915 --> 00:22:19,281
Well, there's still a bunch of dudes here.
439
00:22:19,351 --> 00:22:22,013
Yeah, there's a bunch of dudes here,
'cause I'm crushing it.
440
00:22:22,087 --> 00:22:25,056
They're all here to get Dee'd...
the most empowered woman in Philly.
441
00:22:25,124 --> 00:22:26,716
They all do seem to be into her.
442
00:22:26,792 --> 00:22:30,193
- Hey, Dee. - You again? Listen.
I'm not gonna change your rating.
443
00:22:30,262 --> 00:22:32,822
Be grateful for the time
we had together and beat it.
444
00:22:32,898 --> 00:22:35,833
- Actually I was hoping to hang out again.
- Yeah? I bet you do.
445
00:22:35,901 --> 00:22:37,801
It's 'cause I gave you
one star. I played you.
446
00:22:37,870 --> 00:22:40,862
I don't need stars.
I was just hoping to get laid again.
447
00:22:40,939 --> 00:22:42,873
- What?
- Hey, Dee.
448
00:22:42,941 --> 00:22:45,102
Any chance I could get Dee'd again?
449
00:22:45,177 --> 00:22:48,044
No, you're upset. Aren't you upset?
450
00:22:48,113 --> 00:22:49,808
You're upset about
the zero rating I gave you.
451
00:22:49,882 --> 00:22:53,249
No. You could rate me lower if you like.
452
00:22:53,318 --> 00:22:55,479
Hey,
are you the whore who bangs everybody?
453
00:22:55,554 --> 00:22:59,547
No, I'm not the whore! I'm the empowered
woman who gives poor ratings to men.
454
00:22:59,625 --> 00:23:01,593
Yeah, sure.
Can I get a rating?
455
00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:04,220
No! Why would you want that
from me? What's going on? Get out of here!
456
00:23:04,296 --> 00:23:05,923
All three of you! Get out of here!
457
00:23:05,998 --> 00:23:07,863
Okay, yeah,
guys, go ahead. Go, go, go.
458
00:23:07,933 --> 00:23:09,867
Go. I understand.
459
00:23:09,935 --> 00:23:11,596
Okay, I think I know what's happening here.
460
00:23:11,670 --> 00:23:16,733
Guys? We've lost sight
of what's truly important.
461
00:23:16,809 --> 00:23:20,802
You can't derive your self-worth
from the opinions of others. No!
462
00:23:20,879 --> 00:23:25,316
No, you get your self-worth from when you
convince yourself that you're tough...
463
00:23:25,384 --> 00:23:26,408
and that you're straight.
464
00:23:26,485 --> 00:23:30,012
- I am tough.
- Sure, yes, absolutely.
465
00:23:30,089 --> 00:23:33,923
Or that you have got a shot with a woman who
we've all banged, but who hates you.
466
00:23:33,992 --> 00:23:35,687
Right.
You're saying that I'm getting closer.
467
00:23:35,761 --> 00:23:37,251
Nice. I got a shot.
468
00:23:37,329 --> 00:23:39,320
Yeah, you're getting close, buddy.
You'll get there.
469
00:23:39,398 --> 00:23:43,994
Or you... That your penis could ever possibly
remain erect for more than a couple of seconds...
470
00:23:44,069 --> 00:23:46,003
- even with a cock ring on.
- Mmm.
471
00:23:46,071 --> 00:23:48,471
Or that you are a powerful woman...
472
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:52,636
instead of a dirty, dirty whore...
who bangs toad people.
473
00:23:52,711 --> 00:23:56,545
Yeah, guys, guys, guys. Your true power
comes not from outside sources...
474
00:23:56,615 --> 00:24:00,608
but from the delusional stories
that you all convince yourselves of.
475
00:24:00,686 --> 00:24:05,555
And no one...
no one can take that away from you.
476
00:24:05,624 --> 00:24:08,889
Wow. And what about you?
477
00:24:08,961 --> 00:24:11,725
Me? What about me?
I'm good, man. I've been doing great.
478
00:24:11,797 --> 00:24:13,389
Yeah, this whole thing's been great for me.
479
00:24:13,465 --> 00:24:17,026
That's good.
Because you're down to zero stars.
480
00:24:17,102 --> 00:24:18,729
- Oh, is he?
- Yeah, down. Zero.
481
00:24:18,804 --> 00:24:20,294
I don't give a shit about that.
482
00:24:20,372 --> 00:24:22,863
The star rating thing is not...
483
00:24:22,941 --> 00:24:24,499
- Can I see that for a second?
- Okay.
484
00:24:24,576 --> 00:24:28,012
Let me see that, yeah.
Yeah, you know...
485
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:32,744
- Whoa!
- Goddamn it! Goddamn it! You son of a bitch!
486
00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:23,500
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)