1
00:00:00,528 --> 00:00:03,873
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,874 --> 00:00:07,142
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,177 --> 00:00:10,712
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,748 --> 00:00:13,715
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,751 --> 00:00:17,219
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,254 --> 00:00:20,555
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,591 --> 00:00:22,157
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,192 --> 00:00:23,458
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,494 --> 00:00:24,531
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:24,532 --> 00:00:27,532
♪ Family Guy 13x10 ♪
Quagmire's Mom
Original Air Date on February 8, 2015
11
00:00:27,533 --> 00:00:33,433
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:33,465 --> 00:00:35,933
Hey Lois, can I please
have another pancake?
13
00:00:35,968 --> 00:00:37,901
(laughs)
What? What's so funny?
14
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:39,603
I don't know.
Dog eating pancakes.
15
00:00:39,638 --> 00:00:40,838
It's funny.
16
00:00:40,873 --> 00:00:43,307
Mom, I need a check
for the school field trip.
17
00:00:43,342 --> 00:00:45,676
Geez, Meg, didn't I just
take you on a field trip?
18
00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:48,779
Okay, here's the field!
Good-bye forever!
19
00:00:48,814 --> 00:00:51,381
(engine revving,
tires squealing)
20
00:00:51,417 --> 00:00:53,517
Aah! Meg, I'm injured!
21
00:00:53,552 --> 00:00:55,085
Please help me!
22
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,020
I smell gas!
23
00:00:58,757 --> 00:01:02,226
Meg, I'm still alive,
but I'm badly burned!
24
00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:05,529
Come save my life and
nurse me back to health!
25
00:01:05,564 --> 00:01:10,200
Oh, God, why do bad things
happen to good people?!
26
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,835
Here, sweetie, I'll
write you a check.
27
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,237
No, no, I got it, Lois.
28
00:01:13,272 --> 00:01:14,671
Let me just lick my thumb
29
00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:18,108
'cause that's what people do
before they write a check.
30
00:01:18,143 --> 00:01:21,979
Okay, now let me tilt my glasses
down and ask the date.
31
00:01:22,014 --> 00:01:24,348
What's the date today?
32
00:01:24,383 --> 00:01:26,750
Dad, why don't your checks
have any writing on them?
33
00:01:26,785 --> 00:01:28,886
Why don't your shelves
have any trophies on 'em?
34
00:01:28,921 --> 00:01:33,156
I've obviously
caught you at a bad time.
35
00:01:33,192 --> 00:01:35,225
Lois, why don't my checks
have any writing on them?
36
00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,294
Well, Peter...
What?
37
00:01:37,329 --> 00:01:40,898
That's just a wide pad
of Post-its I gave you.
38
00:01:42,568 --> 00:01:44,868
What?!
So that million dollar check
39
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,637
you gave me yesterday
is no good?
40
00:01:46,672 --> 00:01:48,705
I quit my job, man!
41
00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:52,276
I will not see you Monday!
42
00:01:52,311 --> 00:01:53,443
What the hell, Lois?
43
00:01:53,479 --> 00:01:54,878
Why don't I have
a real checkbook?
44
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,546
Peter, where do
checks come from?
45
00:01:56,582 --> 00:01:59,783
Uh... when a mommy and daddy
love each other?
46
00:01:59,818 --> 00:02:00,984
That's why.
47
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:03,654
Lois, I want my own checkbook,
and I want it now!
48
00:02:03,689 --> 00:02:05,656
Ooh, I like
when Dad talks tough.
49
00:02:05,691 --> 00:02:07,457
He sounds like
Dirty Harry.
50
00:02:07,493 --> 00:02:09,359
You got to ask yourself
one question.
51
00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:11,328
"Do I feel lucky?"
52
00:02:11,363 --> 00:02:13,397
Well, do ya, punk?
53
00:02:13,432 --> 00:02:15,432
Oh, Mr. Harry,
54
00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:18,335
you're really not gonna like
what I have to say.
55
00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:24,441
Hi. What can I
do for you?
56
00:02:24,476 --> 00:02:26,209
Yes, I was wondering,
where is the room
57
00:02:26,245 --> 00:02:28,178
where I can roll around nude
with my money?
58
00:02:28,213 --> 00:02:29,346
I'm sorry?
59
00:02:29,381 --> 00:02:31,481
No, I'm sorry.
I thought this was a bank.
60
00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:32,849
I'll handle this.
61
00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:35,118
My husband wants to
open a checking account.
62
00:02:35,154 --> 00:02:37,487
Okay, well, first,
I'll need to see a photo I.D.
63
00:02:37,523 --> 00:02:38,722
and a birth certificate.
64
00:02:38,757 --> 00:02:39,923
Of course.
65
00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,426
I keep all my important
papers in my bosom.
66
00:02:43,996 --> 00:02:47,030
Okay, "Justin...
Peter... Griffin."
67
00:02:47,066 --> 00:02:48,966
It's actually
just Peter Griffin.
68
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:52,703
So, this is not your
birth certificate?
69
00:02:54,907 --> 00:02:56,073
Oh, my God!
70
00:02:56,108 --> 00:02:57,708
Your first name
is Justin?!
71
00:02:57,743 --> 00:02:58,976
It is?!
72
00:02:59,011 --> 00:03:00,644
Wow, I never noticed that!
73
00:03:00,679 --> 00:03:02,279
"Justin Griffin."
74
00:03:02,314 --> 00:03:04,281
Huh, I like
the sound of that.
75
00:03:04,316 --> 00:03:05,615
I'm a Justin!
76
00:03:05,651 --> 00:03:07,751
This is awesome!
This changes everything!
77
00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:09,252
Peter, it doesn't
change a thing.
78
00:03:09,288 --> 00:03:11,088
You're still
the exact same person.
79
00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:13,557
I beg to differ.
80
00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:21,431
MAN (on TV): And now, international news
from Al Jarreau Jazeera.
81
00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,700
♪ Car bombing in Syria ♪
82
00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:26,169
♪ Skididdly boom-bop
a Dee, yeah ♪
83
00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:28,638
♪ 37 people killed ♪
84
00:03:28,674 --> 00:03:32,175
♪ Ooh, the people
are dead. ♪
85
00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:33,844
Hey, Lois, you seen
my hiking boots?
86
00:03:33,879 --> 00:03:35,612
I need 'em later
for park soccer.
87
00:03:35,647 --> 00:03:37,781
Peter, why the hell
do you look like that?
88
00:03:37,816 --> 00:03:39,016
Uh, my name
isn't Peter.
89
00:03:39,051 --> 00:03:40,317
My name is Justin.
90
00:03:40,352 --> 00:03:44,287
I'm living a Justin lifestyle,
and so is my family.
91
00:03:44,323 --> 00:03:46,289
You want to go to
a concert? Huh?
92
00:03:46,325 --> 00:03:48,225
Want to go to a
loud concert?
93
00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:49,526
No.
94
00:03:49,561 --> 00:03:51,395
Since I'm your cool
father Justin,
95
00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:53,730
we should bond with
skin-to-skin contact.
96
00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:55,432
How about Justin
takes his shirt off,
97
00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:58,301
and we can get some photos
of you on Justin's belly?
98
00:04:00,572 --> 00:04:02,205
Your heartbeat is weird.
99
00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:04,207
It is not
consistent at all.
100
00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:06,543
Okay, let's go for a
ride in my open Jeep.
101
00:04:06,578 --> 00:04:09,613
I took the doors off,
so it's extra terrifying.
102
00:04:09,648 --> 00:04:12,616
Geez, this "Justin" phase
of Dad's is kind of weird.
103
00:04:12,651 --> 00:04:15,585
Eh, not as weird as
his karaoke phase.
104
00:04:16,622 --> 00:04:18,588
Peter, did you throw up
in the sink?
105
00:04:18,624 --> 00:04:20,624
("Baba O'Riley" begins to play)
106
00:04:22,628 --> 00:04:24,628
Peter?
107
00:04:26,198 --> 00:04:28,198
♪ ♪
108
00:04:40,879 --> 00:04:42,879
♪ ♪
109
00:04:53,659 --> 00:04:55,659
♪ ♪
110
00:05:05,671 --> 00:05:07,671
(drums kick in)
111
00:05:24,056 --> 00:05:25,956
♪ Out here
in the fields ♪
112
00:05:25,991 --> 00:05:28,272
Yeah, that was me, I was the one
who threw up in the sink.
113
00:05:28,293 --> 00:05:31,361
♪ I farm
for my meals... ♪
114
00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:36,867
Dad, what are you
doing in here?
115
00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:37,902
Oh, hey, Chris.
116
00:05:37,903 --> 00:05:39,369
I just figured now
that I'm Justin,
117
00:05:39,404 --> 00:05:41,371
I should start
a "Sweet News" wall
118
00:05:41,406 --> 00:05:43,173
for stuff I think
is totally sweet.
119
00:05:43,208 --> 00:05:46,009
Big puffy clouds
are very sweet.
120
00:05:46,044 --> 00:05:47,044
Big hamburgers.
121
00:05:47,045 --> 00:05:48,345
Small hamburgers, too.
122
00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:50,013
Sliders, I think
they're called.
123
00:05:50,048 --> 00:05:51,181
Ranch.
124
00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:52,682
Here's just a
picture of a vest.
125
00:05:52,718 --> 00:05:54,017
Pretty sweet.
126
00:05:54,052 --> 00:05:57,187
Palm trees are very sweet,
'cause, like, the beach.
127
00:05:57,222 --> 00:05:58,855
This is my room, Dad.
128
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:01,625
The band Guster is the
sweetest band of all time.
129
00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:04,628
It was tough, 'cause I had
to move all my O.A.R. stuff
130
00:06:04,663 --> 00:06:06,296
to fit the Guster stuff.
131
00:06:06,331 --> 00:06:08,031
Peter, get out
of Chris's room.
132
00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:09,199
Oh, hey Mama.
133
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:10,934
Hey, you seen my copy
of Into the Wild?
134
00:06:10,969 --> 00:06:13,203
I like to have it on
my person at all times,
135
00:06:13,238 --> 00:06:15,038
in case I need a
quick "inspo sesh."
136
00:06:15,073 --> 00:06:17,707
Oh, did I tell you I'm gonna
be doing a lot of abbreve's?
137
00:06:17,743 --> 00:06:19,042
Peter, you sound
like an idiot.
138
00:06:19,077 --> 00:06:21,545
And did you put a skateboard
in the washing machine?
139
00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:23,713
It's gonna cost several
hundred dollars to repair.
140
00:06:23,749 --> 00:06:24,881
How we do, Lois.
141
00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:26,049
All we do.
142
00:06:26,084 --> 00:06:28,051
You ever get in the
pocket of a wave?
143
00:06:28,086 --> 00:06:29,386
Peter, you know
I haven't.
144
00:06:29,421 --> 00:06:31,221
And I know for a fact
that you haven't, either.
145
00:06:31,256 --> 00:06:32,256
In the pocket.
146
00:06:32,257 --> 00:06:33,723
Some gnarlies out there.
147
00:06:33,759 --> 00:06:35,058
Some "gnar-gnars."
148
00:06:35,093 --> 00:06:36,393
Was in one today.
149
00:06:36,428 --> 00:06:38,228
It's like the rest of
the world just shuts off,
150
00:06:38,263 --> 00:06:40,730
and all that matters
is you and Lady Blue.
151
00:06:40,766 --> 00:06:42,732
And you know what
she said to me?
152
00:06:42,768 --> 00:06:45,068
"You're great."
153
00:06:45,103 --> 00:06:46,403
Keep it cool, Lois.
154
00:06:46,438 --> 00:06:48,939
K-E-W-L.
155
00:06:50,342 --> 00:06:53,310
(dance music pulses)
156
00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,583
So, you want to
go upstairs?
157
00:06:59,618 --> 00:07:00,684
Sure.
158
00:07:00,719 --> 00:07:01,719
Great.
159
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,720
Go.
160
00:07:04,089 --> 00:07:06,056
Hey, Justin, I wanted
to introduce you to Keira.
161
00:07:06,091 --> 00:07:08,391
She's the one who brought
four loose Sierra Nevadas.
162
00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:09,559
Keira!
163
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,429
You totally rock
for bringing those.
164
00:07:12,464 --> 00:07:14,831
Peter, what the hell
is going on?!
165
00:07:14,866 --> 00:07:16,833
Oh, dude, is that your mom?
166
00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:18,835
No, I'm not his mom,
you little bastard.
167
00:07:18,870 --> 00:07:22,405
That "little bastard" knows how
to smoke pot out of an apple.
168
00:07:22,441 --> 00:07:24,441
All right,
everyone out of here.
169
00:07:27,012 --> 00:07:29,312
I've had enough of
this "Justin" nonsense.
170
00:07:29,348 --> 00:07:30,814
Tomorrow we're
going to city hall
171
00:07:30,849 --> 00:07:32,816
to legally change your
name back to "Peter."
172
00:07:32,851 --> 00:07:34,484
All right, fine.
173
00:07:34,519 --> 00:07:37,487
But I got to say, being Justin
was quite an adventure.
174
00:07:37,522 --> 00:07:39,956
Like when I found
where the Wild Things were.
175
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:44,294
(gun fires)
176
00:07:44,329 --> 00:07:45,629
I owe you, Max.
177
00:07:45,664 --> 00:07:46,963
You led me right to 'em.
178
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:50,133
All right, now help me grind
their horns into boner pills.
179
00:07:53,839 --> 00:07:56,306
Keira, that was
an amazing night.
180
00:07:56,341 --> 00:07:57,707
Sorry I can't
drive you to work.
181
00:07:57,743 --> 00:07:59,676
I gotta go sit in my
den until you leave.
182
00:07:59,711 --> 00:08:00,810
Oh, that's okay.
183
00:08:00,846 --> 00:08:02,145
I'll just take
the school bus.
184
00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:03,813
Wait... what?!
185
00:08:03,849 --> 00:08:05,815
You-you drive
a school bus?
186
00:08:05,851 --> 00:08:08,151
(giggling): No, silly,
I take the bus.
187
00:08:08,186 --> 00:08:09,486
I'm in high school.
188
00:08:09,521 --> 00:08:10,521
What the hell?!
189
00:08:10,522 --> 00:08:11,655
You said you were 23!
190
00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:13,490
Yeah, and you said
you loved me.
191
00:08:13,525 --> 00:08:14,991
Well, I guess you
got me there.
192
00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:16,526
(knocking on door)
193
00:08:17,562 --> 00:08:19,863
Hey, Quagmire,
sorry to bother you,
194
00:08:19,898 --> 00:08:21,865
but we're following up
on a tip.
195
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:23,867
Did you have sex
with this underage girl?
196
00:08:23,902 --> 00:08:26,870
I don't want to go to jail, but
I really want to take credit.
197
00:08:26,905 --> 00:08:29,739
Quagmire, I'm afraid you're
under arrest for statutory rape.
198
00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:30,940
(sighs)
199
00:08:30,976 --> 00:08:32,809
All right, but let me
just send the pictures
200
00:08:32,844 --> 00:08:34,878
I took of her last night
to all my friends.
201
00:08:35,914 --> 00:08:37,280
(cell phone buzzes)
202
00:08:37,316 --> 00:08:38,316
Oh, yeah!
203
00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:39,317
Boom!
204
00:08:39,318 --> 00:08:40,318
You're disgusting.
205
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:41,484
Take him away.
206
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,520
We've got all the awesome
evidence we need.
207
00:08:48,184 --> 00:08:50,017
(doorbell rings)
208
00:08:52,055 --> 00:08:54,356
"Hello, my name is
Glenn Quagmire.
209
00:08:54,391 --> 00:08:56,691
"I am a neighbor of yours
on Spooner Street.
210
00:08:56,727 --> 00:08:59,461
I am here to inform you
that I am a sex offender."
211
00:08:59,496 --> 00:09:01,963
It seems as though you could
have had some of that memorized.
212
00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:03,965
Glenn, what the
hell's going on?
213
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:05,634
It turns out
that girl I took home
214
00:09:05,669 --> 00:09:07,502
from Peter's party last night
is in high school.
215
00:09:07,538 --> 00:09:08,970
Oh, my God!
216
00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:11,473
Does this mean you're gonna move
to Europe to make movies?
217
00:09:11,508 --> 00:09:14,309
How in the world did you
not know she was underage?
218
00:09:14,344 --> 00:09:16,812
Well, in retrospect,
she did ask a lot of questions
219
00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,113
about To Kill a Mockingbird.
220
00:09:18,148 --> 00:09:19,347
Should have sent
her my way.
221
00:09:19,383 --> 00:09:20,482
I love that book.
222
00:09:20,517 --> 00:09:22,951
Oh, Gregory Peck-- whew!
223
00:09:22,986 --> 00:09:25,287
Anyway, now I gotta
go in front of a judge.
224
00:09:25,322 --> 00:09:26,322
Really?
225
00:09:26,323 --> 00:09:27,455
Number one or number two?
226
00:09:27,491 --> 00:09:29,958
Our judicial system
is so broken.
227
00:09:29,993 --> 00:09:32,294
No, Peter-- Glenn
has to go to court.
228
00:09:32,329 --> 00:09:33,461
That's right.
229
00:09:33,497 --> 00:09:35,463
And there's not even a defense
for statutory rape.
230
00:09:35,499 --> 00:09:37,966
Once the girl proves her age,
that's it-- you're guilty.
231
00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:39,634
You know what
I tried today?
232
00:09:39,670 --> 00:09:40,670
A fig.
233
00:09:40,671 --> 00:09:41,991
I have a hearing
tomorrow morning.
234
00:09:42,005 --> 00:09:43,471
I may have
to go to jail.
235
00:09:43,507 --> 00:09:46,141
My only hope for leniency is
to bring in character witnesses
236
00:09:46,176 --> 00:09:48,810
and show the court I'm not
the monster they say I am.
237
00:09:48,846 --> 00:09:51,146
Well, Peter would be
happy to support you.
238
00:09:51,181 --> 00:09:52,314
Yeah, you betcha,
Quagmire.
239
00:09:52,349 --> 00:09:53,349
I'm very persuasive.
240
00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:54,649
That's why I was so good
241
00:09:54,685 --> 00:09:56,651
at selling low-cost
car insurance.
242
00:09:58,355 --> 00:10:00,322
(chanting): White-trash rates
from an army guy.
243
00:10:00,357 --> 00:10:02,157
Here is a penguin,
don't know why.
244
00:10:02,192 --> 00:10:03,658
ANNOUNCER:
The General Car Insurance.
245
00:10:03,694 --> 00:10:06,094
It'll worry whoever you hit.
246
00:10:11,335 --> 00:10:14,302
I can't believe Quagmire
and that girl had sex.
247
00:10:14,338 --> 00:10:16,471
Which is hugging someone
really hard with your legs.
248
00:10:16,506 --> 00:10:17,806
Nope.
249
00:10:17,841 --> 00:10:19,641
Well, you'll tell me
if I get it, though, right?
250
00:10:19,676 --> 00:10:21,142
Yeah, I'll tell
you if you get it.
251
00:10:21,178 --> 00:10:22,310
Okay, I'm gonna
get it.
252
00:10:22,346 --> 00:10:23,986
Now, Mr. Griffin,
I understand you're here
253
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:25,814
to speak
on Mr. Quagmire's behalf.
254
00:10:25,849 --> 00:10:27,148
That's right,
Your Honor.
255
00:10:27,184 --> 00:10:29,150
And as we know, according
to Game of Thrones,
256
00:10:29,186 --> 00:10:31,653
if the girl has had her
blood, she is good to go.
257
00:10:31,688 --> 00:10:33,021
Has the girl had her blood?
258
00:10:33,056 --> 00:10:34,189
Answer the question.
259
00:10:34,224 --> 00:10:36,324
Mr. Griffin, she was underage.
260
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,928
Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire
was born on February 29th.
261
00:10:39,963 --> 00:10:42,030
Ergo, he's only 12.
262
00:10:42,065 --> 00:10:44,032
Ergo, the girl raped him.
263
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:45,767
Argo, Ben Affleck.
264
00:10:50,140 --> 00:10:51,606
Mr. Griffin,
do you have any evidence
265
00:10:51,642 --> 00:10:54,409
that is not based
on film or television?
266
00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:56,211
I don't know.
Why don't you ask
267
00:10:56,246 --> 00:10:58,880
all these letters
to Santa Claus?
268
00:11:00,484 --> 00:11:02,684
Something's going on.
269
00:11:02,719 --> 00:11:04,252
We haven't gotten
mail in a week.
270
00:11:04,288 --> 00:11:06,054
I-- I haven't gotten
mail in a week.
271
00:11:06,089 --> 00:11:08,123
Nobody writes you.
272
00:11:10,327 --> 00:11:13,228
Officer Swanson, I'll remind you
that you are under oath.
273
00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:14,429
Now, please tell us
274
00:11:14,464 --> 00:11:16,898
what Mr. Quagmire said
he did with the girl.
275
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,466
(sighs)
He, uh,
276
00:11:18,502 --> 00:11:21,870
said he gave her a Frosty Jim.
277
00:11:21,905 --> 00:11:23,638
And can you please
explain to the courtroom
278
00:11:23,674 --> 00:11:26,408
what a Frosty Jim is.
279
00:11:26,443 --> 00:11:27,876
Uh...
280
00:11:27,911 --> 00:11:29,444
Sir, you're under oath.
281
00:11:29,479 --> 00:11:31,546
Well, it's when you
urinate in a condom,
282
00:11:31,581 --> 00:11:34,382
and tie it off, freeze it,
283
00:11:34,418 --> 00:11:36,384
and then the woman, um,
284
00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:37,819
pretends it's a man.
285
00:11:37,854 --> 00:11:40,055
Thank you.
He's a good guy!
286
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:46,761
Mr. Brown, can you please state
your occupation for the court?
287
00:11:46,797 --> 00:11:49,497
Aw, come on, man, you didn't
ask anyone else to do that!
288
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:50,999
Why am I on trial?!
289
00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:53,568
He's the one that mushed
hisself on a child!
290
00:11:53,603 --> 00:11:55,337
When are we gonna see
this chick?
291
00:11:55,372 --> 00:11:57,138
Okay, enough! No more help!
292
00:11:57,174 --> 00:12:00,075
I'm taking this Bible.
293
00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:02,110
You want to know what kind
of person Glenn Quagmire is?
294
00:12:02,145 --> 00:12:03,645
You want to know
what made me the person I am?
295
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,480
Then put me on the stand.
296
00:12:05,515 --> 00:12:07,916
Lois, can I play
Angry Birds on your phone?
297
00:12:07,951 --> 00:12:10,085
Okay, but only
with the sound off.
298
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,920
Fine. I'll just do it
with my mouth.
299
00:12:11,955 --> 00:12:12,988
Pa-shooo!
300
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:14,023
(imitates explosion)
301
00:12:14,057 --> 00:12:15,590
(oinking)
302
00:12:18,628 --> 00:12:20,595
Please, go ahead,
Mr. Quagmire.
303
00:12:20,630 --> 00:12:23,231
Look, I know everyone's sitting
out there judging me today.
304
00:12:23,266 --> 00:12:25,233
But before you do, please know
305
00:12:25,268 --> 00:12:27,469
I had it pretty
rough growing up.
306
00:12:27,504 --> 00:12:30,605
My dad was a military man,
so he wasn't around much.
307
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,407
And my mom, well,
let's just say,
308
00:12:32,442 --> 00:12:34,142
she was a little promiscuous.
309
00:12:34,177 --> 00:12:37,479
In fact, I think my problems
started the day I was born.
310
00:12:37,514 --> 00:12:39,347
Wah! Wah! Wah!
311
00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:42,050
It's a boy,
Mrs. Quagmire.
312
00:12:42,085 --> 00:12:43,318
Oh, that's wonderful!
313
00:12:43,353 --> 00:12:44,386
How do you feel?
314
00:12:44,421 --> 00:12:46,421
Horny. Really horny.
315
00:12:46,456 --> 00:12:49,424
Could you put him back
so I can push him out again?
316
00:12:49,459 --> 00:12:52,027
I was born nine times that day.
317
00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:53,695
And things never got easier.
318
00:12:53,730 --> 00:12:55,797
The only way I learned
my ABC's was by learning
319
00:12:55,832 --> 00:12:58,700
the names of all the guys
my mom slept with.
320
00:12:58,735 --> 00:13:01,336
♪ Art, Bob, Chet,
Don, Ed, Frank, Gus ♪
321
00:13:01,371 --> 00:13:04,939
♪ Hal, Irv, John, Ken,
Lew-Matt-Ned-Ox-Pat ♪
322
00:13:04,975 --> 00:13:08,343
♪ Quint, Ron, Sam,
Tom, Ulf, Vic ♪
323
00:13:08,378 --> 00:13:11,713
♪ Walter, Xavier,
Yaz and Zeke ♪
324
00:13:11,748 --> 00:13:15,183
♪ Those are just
some of the guys ♪
325
00:13:15,218 --> 00:13:19,120
♪ There are lots
of other guys. ♪
326
00:13:19,156 --> 00:13:20,321
It was awful.
327
00:13:20,357 --> 00:13:22,157
I didn't even get to go
to my high school prom.
328
00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:23,792
But my mom did.
329
00:13:23,827 --> 00:13:24,827
(doorbell rings)
330
00:13:24,828 --> 00:13:27,228
Hey, is Crystal ready?
331
00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:28,630
Oh, hi, Ronnie.
332
00:13:28,665 --> 00:13:30,698
Hey, listen, have my mom
home by midnight, okay?
333
00:13:30,734 --> 00:13:33,401
How about I plow her in the limo
and have her home in 20 minutes?
334
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:36,671
Ah, come on, Ronnie,
she bought the dress.
335
00:13:36,706 --> 00:13:38,840
So, you see, Your Honor,
thanks to my mom,
336
00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:41,576
I never had a chance to
be like everyone else.
337
00:13:41,611 --> 00:13:43,745
My misguided carnal instincts
are the result
338
00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:46,014
of being raised
by a sexual deviant.
339
00:13:46,049 --> 00:13:47,782
All I'm asking is
that you give me
340
00:13:47,818 --> 00:13:50,585
the break that
my childhood never did.
341
00:13:53,657 --> 00:13:56,391
Dairy Queen closes
in ten minutes.
342
00:13:58,628 --> 00:14:01,029
Mr. Quagmire,
your story is a sad one,
343
00:14:01,064 --> 00:14:03,431
but that doesn't
excuse your actions.
344
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:06,901
I have no choice but to sentence
you to 20 years in prison.
345
00:14:07,871 --> 00:14:08,871
(gallery gasps)
346
00:14:08,905 --> 00:14:10,905
WOMAN:
Oh, no you don't!
347
00:14:12,642 --> 00:14:13,642
Mom?!
348
00:14:13,677 --> 00:14:14,943
MEN:
Crystal?
349
00:14:14,978 --> 00:14:18,279
Ha! She's enjoyed many men.
350
00:14:24,309 --> 00:14:26,042
Mom, what are you doing here?
351
00:14:26,078 --> 00:14:27,978
Do you know I'm carrying
three handguns,
352
00:14:28,013 --> 00:14:30,514
and the metal detectors
picked up nothing?
353
00:14:30,549 --> 00:14:32,382
Your Honor,
as the defendant's mother,
354
00:14:32,418 --> 00:14:35,118
I ask that you show
mercy on him.
355
00:14:35,154 --> 00:14:37,854
Well, as the victim's mother,
I ask that you go to hell!
356
00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:38,989
CHRIS: Where is
your daughter?
357
00:14:39,024 --> 00:14:40,557
Show her to us!
358
00:14:40,592 --> 00:14:42,993
Your Honor,
I have renounced my sinful past,
359
00:14:43,028 --> 00:14:44,861
and have been washed
in the blood
360
00:14:44,897 --> 00:14:47,164
of the Lord Jesus Christ.
361
00:14:47,199 --> 00:14:48,199
You what?!
362
00:14:48,233 --> 00:14:49,399
I have seen
the righteous path
363
00:14:49,435 --> 00:14:50,834
of our Savior,
and ask that you
364
00:14:50,869 --> 00:14:52,469
not sentence my son to jail,
365
00:14:52,504 --> 00:14:55,238
but instead release him
to my custody so that I,
366
00:14:55,274 --> 00:14:58,708
with God's guidance,
can rehabilitate him.
367
00:14:58,744 --> 00:15:01,144
Wow, Quagmire's mom is
a Jesus freak.
368
00:15:01,180 --> 00:15:02,813
I haven't been
this surprised since we went
369
00:15:02,848 --> 00:15:04,815
to that restaurant
on my birthday.
370
00:15:04,850 --> 00:15:07,451
All right, guys, let's pay
the check and get out of here.
371
00:15:07,486 --> 00:15:09,920
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
372
00:15:09,955 --> 00:15:11,321
You guys!
373
00:15:11,356 --> 00:15:13,957
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
374
00:15:13,992 --> 00:15:17,327
♪ Happy Birthday, dear Peter ♪
375
00:15:17,362 --> 00:15:20,530
♪ Happy Birthday to you. ♪
376
00:15:22,401 --> 00:15:24,434
Aren't you gonna blow out
your candles, Peter?
377
00:15:24,470 --> 00:15:26,770
Mom, I think something's
wrong with Dad.
378
00:15:26,805 --> 00:15:29,473
Peter? Peter?!
379
00:15:29,508 --> 00:15:31,308
Oh, my God! Help!
380
00:15:31,343 --> 00:15:33,076
Someone call 911!
381
00:15:33,111 --> 00:15:34,244
It's okay, ma'am.
382
00:15:34,279 --> 00:15:36,680
This happens here at
Bennigan's all the time.
383
00:15:40,118 --> 00:15:41,718
How long does this last?
384
00:15:41,753 --> 00:15:42,919
Hard to say.
385
00:15:42,955 --> 00:15:44,955
It's best to just move on.
386
00:15:52,731 --> 00:15:55,265
I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire,
but my sentence stands.
387
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:56,867
20 years.
388
00:15:56,902 --> 00:15:58,768
Mr. Quagmire,
I'll give you 24 hours
389
00:15:58,804 --> 00:16:00,136
to get your affairs in order.
390
00:16:00,172 --> 00:16:02,072
Oh, my God.
391
00:16:02,107 --> 00:16:03,507
Ah, don't think
of it as 20 years.
392
00:16:03,542 --> 00:16:04,941
Think of it
as two ten-year-olds,
393
00:16:04,977 --> 00:16:06,743
you sick freak.
394
00:16:10,115 --> 00:16:12,916
God, 20 years.
395
00:16:12,951 --> 00:16:14,784
I know this is
a hard time for you,
396
00:16:14,820 --> 00:16:16,586
but you need
to seek forgiveness.
397
00:16:16,622 --> 00:16:18,622
You need to kneel before Jesus.
398
00:16:18,657 --> 00:16:20,457
Oh, he's gonna be kneeling
in front of a lot of guys,
399
00:16:20,492 --> 00:16:22,092
but I doubt
he'll catch their names.
400
00:16:22,127 --> 00:16:24,528
It's usually somebody pushing
your skull in the dark.
401
00:16:24,563 --> 00:16:26,229
There are really
no introductions.
402
00:16:26,265 --> 00:16:29,900
Remember, He is
inside you all the time.
403
00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:31,735
Oh, n-now she's
just setting me up.
404
00:16:31,770 --> 00:16:32,936
Right?
405
00:16:32,971 --> 00:16:34,404
How dare you come in here
406
00:16:34,439 --> 00:16:35,739
and tell me to seek forgiveness!
407
00:16:35,774 --> 00:16:37,107
Where do you get off?!
408
00:16:37,142 --> 00:16:38,408
Pretty much
everywhere, I hear.
409
00:16:38,443 --> 00:16:40,610
Fat man's right--
they're making this easy.
410
00:16:40,646 --> 00:16:43,213
You've never apologized once
for the way you raised me!
411
00:16:43,248 --> 00:16:45,248
You're the one who
made me what I am!
412
00:16:45,284 --> 00:16:47,017
Oh, come on, Quagmire,
you're a grown man,
413
00:16:47,052 --> 00:16:48,752
responsible for his own choices.
414
00:16:48,787 --> 00:16:51,488
Seems kind of cowardly to blame
someone else for your problems.
415
00:16:51,523 --> 00:16:53,823
Brian abandoned
his own son, by the way.
416
00:16:53,859 --> 00:16:55,926
Why are you, of all people,
defending a religious nut?
417
00:16:55,961 --> 00:16:57,460
Aren't you an atheist?
418
00:16:57,496 --> 00:16:58,695
Yeah, it's crazy.
419
00:16:58,730 --> 00:17:00,697
You can think about that
while you're in jail.
420
00:17:00,732 --> 00:17:02,098
Glenn, we're not
going to get anywhere
421
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:03,767
questioning God's wisdom.
422
00:17:03,802 --> 00:17:06,102
He has a plan for everything.
423
00:17:06,138 --> 00:17:07,671
Oh, now I get it.
424
00:17:07,706 --> 00:17:09,205
That's why you found God.
425
00:17:09,241 --> 00:17:11,575
So you can absolve yourself
of any responsibility
426
00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:13,443
and answer everything
with empty platitudes.
427
00:17:13,478 --> 00:17:14,911
Face it, you're a worse parent
428
00:17:14,947 --> 00:17:17,247
than Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie.
429
00:17:17,282 --> 00:17:19,449
I'm concerned about Pax,
Maddox, and Shiloh.
430
00:17:19,484 --> 00:17:21,585
They're having
trouble adapting.
431
00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:23,587
They've been raised
with 11 languages,
432
00:17:23,622 --> 00:17:25,422
and really don't speak any.
433
00:17:25,457 --> 00:17:26,923
I hear you, Doctor.
434
00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:29,859
So... you're saying we should
give them all faux-hawks?
435
00:17:29,895 --> 00:17:32,228
No. I think they need
intensive therapy.
436
00:17:32,264 --> 00:17:34,164
Let me see if I understand you.
437
00:17:34,199 --> 00:17:36,533
Even shorter on the sides?
438
00:17:36,568 --> 00:17:37,767
Don't you see?
439
00:17:37,803 --> 00:17:40,337
This is your chance to open
your heart and let God in.
440
00:17:40,372 --> 00:17:42,472
I know this jail sentence
seems long.
441
00:17:42,507 --> 00:17:45,542
But salvation can
last all eternity.
442
00:17:45,577 --> 00:17:47,143
You know what else
lasts an eternity?
443
00:17:47,179 --> 00:17:49,212
This conversation.
444
00:17:49,247 --> 00:17:51,615
And maybe through our shared
relationship with the Lord,
445
00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:55,485
we can begin to build
a bond as mother and son.
446
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:56,720
"Mother and son"?!
447
00:17:56,755 --> 00:17:58,555
Mothers love their children!
448
00:17:58,590 --> 00:18:00,223
They nurture them
and protect them!
449
00:18:00,258 --> 00:18:01,858
You've never done
a thing for me!
450
00:18:01,893 --> 00:18:03,360
I'd rather rot in
jail than sit here
451
00:18:03,395 --> 00:18:05,061
and listen to all your crap!
452
00:18:05,097 --> 00:18:06,496
(door opens, closes)
453
00:18:06,531 --> 00:18:08,131
(sighs)
Glenn's right.
454
00:18:08,166 --> 00:18:09,599
I was never there for him.
455
00:18:09,635 --> 00:18:11,868
I've got to find
some way to fix this.
456
00:18:11,903 --> 00:18:13,803
Did you hear about
your ex-husband yet?
457
00:18:13,839 --> 00:18:16,940
He had a... uh, procedure.
458
00:18:23,982 --> 00:18:26,549
You know, some families take
their baby to the zoo.
459
00:18:26,585 --> 00:18:29,119
That's also a fun activity.
460
00:18:29,154 --> 00:18:30,954
I'm really gonna
miss all you guys.
461
00:18:30,989 --> 00:18:33,690
And I'll think of you whenever
I choke on a link sausage.
462
00:18:33,725 --> 00:18:34,791
Take care, buddy.
463
00:18:35,894 --> 00:18:37,994
(engine revs, tires screech)
Oh, yeah!
464
00:18:38,030 --> 00:18:40,296
Fresh air! Freedom!
465
00:18:40,332 --> 00:18:41,998
Peter, while I'm away,
466
00:18:42,034 --> 00:18:45,035
I want you to hold onto my
antique, gold Rolex watch.
467
00:18:45,070 --> 00:18:46,970
Oh cool, a throwing watch!
468
00:18:47,005 --> 00:18:48,005
No, no, Peter, it--
469
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,439
and I cannot stress
this enough--
470
00:18:49,474 --> 00:18:51,374
it is not a throwing watch.
471
00:18:51,410 --> 00:18:53,410
Oh, I hear you, Quagmire.
472
00:18:55,013 --> 00:18:57,313
It didn't come back,
like you said it would.
473
00:18:57,349 --> 00:18:58,381
(sighs)
474
00:18:58,417 --> 00:18:59,916
And-and Joe, you
sure you don't mind
475
00:18:59,951 --> 00:19:01,217
taking care of my cat?
476
00:19:01,253 --> 00:19:02,819
Oh, no, all taken care of.
477
00:19:02,854 --> 00:19:04,287
Brought her
to the pound this morning.
478
00:19:04,322 --> 00:19:05,355
She went peacefully.
479
00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:06,690
What?! No!
480
00:19:06,725 --> 00:19:09,125
I-I-I meant, take care of
her, like, look after her!
481
00:19:09,161 --> 00:19:11,561
Well, that seems like
a note for this morning.
482
00:19:11,596 --> 00:19:14,097
You know, maybe I won't miss
you people as much as I thought.
483
00:19:14,132 --> 00:19:15,965
Do you have anything
for me, Glenn?
484
00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:17,767
What? No! Wha-what?!
485
00:19:17,803 --> 00:19:19,502
I just found out my cat died!
486
00:19:19,538 --> 00:19:22,072
Hmm. I can't help but think
this selfish attitude
487
00:19:22,107 --> 00:19:24,574
is part of what got you here.
488
00:19:24,609 --> 00:19:26,342
Good-bye, Glenn. Be strong.
489
00:19:26,378 --> 00:19:29,512
We'll keep you in our thoughts.
490
00:19:29,548 --> 00:19:31,481
Oh, y-you better get rid of that
491
00:19:31,516 --> 00:19:33,116
before you get in there.
492
00:19:33,151 --> 00:19:34,384
All right.
493
00:19:34,419 --> 00:19:35,452
Good-bye, everybody.
494
00:19:35,487 --> 00:19:37,287
And-and don't worry about me.
495
00:19:37,322 --> 00:19:38,588
I-I'll see you real soon.
496
00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:43,626
Hey, you guys take good care
497
00:19:43,662 --> 00:19:45,762
of my child rapist friend!
498
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:49,100
(tires screech)
499
00:19:49,134 --> 00:19:50,834
Mr. Quagmire, wait!
500
00:19:50,869 --> 00:19:52,168
Judge?!
501
00:19:52,204 --> 00:19:53,470
What are you doing here?
502
00:19:53,505 --> 00:19:55,265
I wanted to tell you
the good news in person.
503
00:19:55,273 --> 00:19:57,107
Your sentence
has been commuted.
504
00:19:57,142 --> 00:19:59,876
You will not be serving
prison time after all.
505
00:19:59,911 --> 00:20:01,344
You got a good body, man.
506
00:20:01,379 --> 00:20:02,979
Why do you hide it
under that robe?
507
00:20:03,014 --> 00:20:04,380
"Commuted"?
508
00:20:04,416 --> 00:20:05,648
I don't understand.
509
00:20:05,684 --> 00:20:07,784
Hello, Glenn.
510
00:20:07,819 --> 00:20:08,952
Mom?!
511
00:20:08,987 --> 00:20:10,386
What's going on here?
512
00:20:10,422 --> 00:20:12,355
By the way, Your Honor,
your fly is down.
513
00:20:12,390 --> 00:20:16,126
Well, let's just say some
new DNA evidence was produced.
514
00:20:16,161 --> 00:20:17,827
And an impressive amount,
I'd say.
515
00:20:17,863 --> 00:20:20,096
PETER:
Guy takes care of himself.
516
00:20:20,132 --> 00:20:21,531
Anyway, you're free to go.
517
00:20:21,566 --> 00:20:23,700
You... you're kidding!
518
00:20:23,735 --> 00:20:25,535
Mom... Di-did you...?
519
00:20:25,570 --> 00:20:26,903
Yep. Twice.
520
00:20:26,938 --> 00:20:28,671
But I-I thought you
were Christian now.
521
00:20:28,707 --> 00:20:32,509
Helping my son is the most
Christian thing I could do.
522
00:20:32,544 --> 00:20:34,911
You were right, Glenn.
I was a terrible mother.
523
00:20:34,946 --> 00:20:36,944
I wasn't there for you
when I should've been.
524
00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:40,204
But I'd love a second chance.
525
00:20:41,212 --> 00:20:42,574
I'd like that.
526
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:43,991
I'd like that very much.
527
00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:48,692
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
528
00:20:48,770 --> 00:20:52,414
Aw, Quagmire got away with it,
and learned nothing.
529
00:20:52,415 --> 00:20:54,549
That's great.