1
00:00:01,128 --> 00:00:04,473
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,474 --> 00:00:07,742
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,777 --> 00:00:11,312
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,348 --> 00:00:14,315
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,351 --> 00:00:17,819
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,854 --> 00:00:21,155
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,191 --> 00:00:22,757
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,792 --> 00:00:24,058
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,094 --> 00:00:25,131
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:25,132 --> 00:00:28,132
♪ Family Guy 13x10 ♪
Quagmire's Mom
Original Air Date on February 8, 2015
11
00:00:28,133 --> 00:00:34,033
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
12
00:00:34,065 --> 00:00:36,533
Hey Lois, can I please
have another pancake?
13
00:00:36,568 --> 00:00:38,501
(laughs)
What? What's so funny?
14
00:00:38,537 --> 00:00:41,438
I don't know. Dog eating pancakes.
It's funny.
15
00:00:41,473 --> 00:00:43,907
Mom, I need a check
for the school field trip.
16
00:00:43,942 --> 00:00:46,276
Geez, Meg, didn't I just
take you on a field trip?
17
00:00:47,646 --> 00:00:49,379
Okay, here's the field!
Good-bye forever!
18
00:00:49,414 --> 00:00:51,981
(engine revving,
tires squealing)
19
00:00:52,017 --> 00:00:57,611
Aah! Meg, I'm injured! Please help me!
I smell gas!
20
00:00:59,357 --> 00:01:02,826
Meg, I'm still alive,
but I'm badly burned!
21
00:01:02,861 --> 00:01:06,129
Come save my life and
nurse me back to health!
22
00:01:06,164 --> 00:01:10,800
Oh, God, why do bad things
happen to good people?!
23
00:01:10,836 --> 00:01:12,435
Here, sweetie, I'll
write you a check.
24
00:01:12,471 --> 00:01:15,166
No, no, I got it, Lois.
Let me just lick my thumb
25
00:01:15,191 --> 00:01:18,708
'cause that's what people do
before they write a check.
26
00:01:18,743 --> 00:01:22,579
Okay, now let me tilt my glasses
down and ask the date.
27
00:01:22,614 --> 00:01:24,948
What's the date today?
28
00:01:24,983 --> 00:01:27,350
Dad, why don't your checks
have any writing on them?
29
00:01:27,385 --> 00:01:29,486
Why don't your shelves
have any trophies on 'em?
30
00:01:29,521 --> 00:01:33,756
I've obviously
caught you at a bad time.
31
00:01:33,792 --> 00:01:35,970
Lois, why don't my checks
have any writing on them?
32
00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:38,290
Well, Peter...
What?
33
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:41,498
That's just a wide pad
of Post-its I gave you.
34
00:01:43,168 --> 00:01:47,237
What?! So that million dollar check
you gave me yesterday is no good?
35
00:01:47,272 --> 00:01:49,305
I quit my job, man!
36
00:01:49,341 --> 00:01:52,876
I will not see you Monday!
37
00:01:52,911 --> 00:01:55,207
What the hell, Lois? Why don't
I have a real checkbook?
38
00:01:55,232 --> 00:01:57,401
Peter, where do
checks come from?
39
00:01:57,426 --> 00:02:00,612
Uh... when a mommy and daddy
love each other?
40
00:02:00,637 --> 00:02:04,254
- That's why. - Lois, I want my own
checkbook, and I want it now!
41
00:02:04,289 --> 00:02:08,057
Ooh, I like when Dad talks tough.
He sounds like Dirty Harry.
42
00:02:08,093 --> 00:02:11,928
You got to ask yourself one question.
"Do I feel lucky?"
43
00:02:11,963 --> 00:02:13,997
Well, do ya, punk?
44
00:02:14,032 --> 00:02:18,935
Oh, Mr. Harry, you're really not
gonna like what I have to say.
45
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:26,454
- Hi. What can I do for you?
- Yes, I was wondering,
46
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,343
where is the room where I can
roll around nude with my money?
47
00:02:29,368 --> 00:02:32,186
- I'm sorry?
- No, I'm sorry. I thought this was a bank.
48
00:02:32,211 --> 00:02:35,718
I'll handle this. My husband wants
to open a checking account.
49
00:02:35,754 --> 00:02:39,322
Okay, well, first, I'll need to see a
photo I.D. and a birth certificate.
50
00:02:39,357 --> 00:02:43,026
Of course. I keep all my
important papers in my bosom.
51
00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:47,630
Okay, "Justin...
Peter... Griffin."
52
00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:49,566
It's actually
just Peter Griffin.
53
00:02:49,601 --> 00:02:53,303
So, this is not your
birth certificate?
54
00:02:55,507 --> 00:02:58,308
Oh, my God! Your first
name is Justin?!
55
00:02:58,343 --> 00:02:59,576
It is?!
56
00:02:59,611 --> 00:03:02,879
Wow, I never noticed that!
"Justin Griffin."
57
00:03:02,914 --> 00:03:06,215
Huh, I like the sound of that.
I'm a Justin!
58
00:03:06,251 --> 00:03:08,351
This is awesome!
This changes everything!
59
00:03:08,386 --> 00:03:12,017
Peter, it doesn't change a thing.
You're still the exact same person.
60
00:03:12,042 --> 00:03:14,476
I beg to differ.
61
00:03:18,063 --> 00:03:22,031
MAN (on TV): And now, international news
from Al Jarreau Jazeera.
62
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:24,300
♪ Car bombing in Syria ♪
63
00:03:24,336 --> 00:03:26,769
♪ Skididdly boom-bop
a Dee, yeah ♪
64
00:03:26,805 --> 00:03:29,238
♪ 37 people killed ♪
65
00:03:29,274 --> 00:03:32,775
♪ Ooh, the people
are dead. ♪
66
00:03:32,811 --> 00:03:36,212
Hey, Lois, you seen my hiking boots?
I need 'em later for park soccer.
67
00:03:36,247 --> 00:03:38,381
Peter, why the hell
do you look like that?
68
00:03:38,416 --> 00:03:40,917
Uh, my name isn't Peter.
My name is Justin.
69
00:03:40,952 --> 00:03:44,887
I'm living a Justin lifestyle,
and so is my family.
70
00:03:44,923 --> 00:03:47,446
You want to go to
a concert? Huh?
71
00:03:47,471 --> 00:03:49,932
- Want to go to a loud concert?
- No.
72
00:03:49,957 --> 00:03:54,330
Since I'm your cool father Justin, we
should bond with skin-to-skin contact.
73
00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:56,032
How about Justin
takes his shirt off,
74
00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:58,901
and we can get some photos
of you on Justin's belly?
75
00:04:01,172 --> 00:04:04,807
Your heartbeat is weird.
It is not consistent at all.
76
00:04:04,843 --> 00:04:07,143
Okay, let's go for a
ride in my open Jeep.
77
00:04:07,178 --> 00:04:10,213
I took the doors off,
so it's extra terrifying.
78
00:04:10,248 --> 00:04:13,216
Geez, this "Justin" phase
of Dad's is kind of weird.
79
00:04:13,251 --> 00:04:16,185
Eh, not as weird as
his karaoke phase.
80
00:04:17,222 --> 00:04:19,188
Peter, did you throw up
in the sink?
81
00:04:19,224 --> 00:04:21,224
("Baba O'Riley" begins to play)
82
00:04:23,228 --> 00:04:25,228
Peter?
83
00:04:26,798 --> 00:04:28,798
♪ ♪
84
00:04:41,479 --> 00:04:43,479
♪ ♪
85
00:04:54,259 --> 00:04:56,259
♪ ♪
86
00:05:06,271 --> 00:05:08,271
(drums kick in)
87
00:05:24,656 --> 00:05:27,058
♪ Out here
in the fields ♪
88
00:05:27,083 --> 00:05:29,195
Yeah, that was me, I was the one
who threw up in the sink.
89
00:05:29,220 --> 00:05:32,288
♪ I farm
for my meals... ♪
90
00:05:35,834 --> 00:05:37,467
Dad, what are you
doing in here?
91
00:05:37,502 --> 00:05:39,969
Oh, hey, Chris. I just
figured now that I'm Justin,
92
00:05:40,004 --> 00:05:43,773
I should start a "Sweet News" wall
for stuff I think is totally sweet.
93
00:05:43,808 --> 00:05:46,609
Big puffy clouds
are very sweet.
94
00:05:46,644 --> 00:05:48,945
Big hamburgers.
Small hamburgers, too.
95
00:05:48,980 --> 00:05:51,781
Sliders, I think they're called.
Ranch.
96
00:05:51,816 --> 00:05:54,617
Here's just a picture of a vest.
Pretty sweet.
97
00:05:54,652 --> 00:05:57,787
Palm trees are very sweet,
'cause, like, the beach.
98
00:05:57,822 --> 00:05:59,455
This is my room, Dad.
99
00:05:59,491 --> 00:06:02,992
The band Guster is the
sweetest band of all time.
100
00:06:03,017 --> 00:06:06,896
It was tough, 'cause I had to move all
my O.A.R. stuff to fit the Guster stuff.
101
00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:08,631
Peter, get out
of Chris's room.
102
00:06:08,666 --> 00:06:11,534
Oh, hey Mama. Hey, you seen
my copy of Into the Wild?
103
00:06:11,569 --> 00:06:13,803
I like to have it on
my person at all times,
104
00:06:13,838 --> 00:06:15,638
in case I need a
quick "inspo sesh."
105
00:06:15,673 --> 00:06:18,093
Oh, did I tell you I'm gonna
be doing a lot of abbreve's?
106
00:06:18,118 --> 00:06:19,642
Peter, you sound
like an idiot.
107
00:06:19,677 --> 00:06:22,145
And did you put a skateboard
in the washing machine?
108
00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:24,313
It's gonna cost several
hundred dollars to repair.
109
00:06:24,349 --> 00:06:28,651
How we do, Lois. All we do.
You ever get in the pocket of a wave?
110
00:06:28,686 --> 00:06:31,821
Peter, you know I haven't. And I know
for a fact that you haven't, either.
111
00:06:31,856 --> 00:06:34,643
In the pocket.
Some gnarlies out there.
112
00:06:34,668 --> 00:06:36,993
Some "gnar-gnars."
Was in one today.
113
00:06:37,028 --> 00:06:38,893
It's like the rest of
the world just shuts off,
114
00:06:38,918 --> 00:06:41,330
and all that matters
is you and Lady Blue.
115
00:06:41,366 --> 00:06:43,332
And you know what
she said to me?
116
00:06:43,368 --> 00:06:45,668
"You're great."
117
00:06:45,703 --> 00:06:47,003
Keep it cool, Lois.
118
00:06:47,038 --> 00:06:49,539
K-E-W-L.
119
00:06:50,942 --> 00:06:53,910
(dance music pulses)
120
00:06:58,550 --> 00:07:01,284
- So, you want to go upstairs?
- Sure.
121
00:07:01,319 --> 00:07:03,320
Great.
Go.
122
00:07:04,689 --> 00:07:06,656
Hey, Justin, I wanted
to introduce you to Keira.
123
00:07:06,691 --> 00:07:08,991
She's the one who brought
four loose Sierra Nevadas.
124
00:07:09,027 --> 00:07:13,029
Keira! You totally rock
for bringing those.
125
00:07:13,064 --> 00:07:15,431
Peter, what the hell
is going on?!
126
00:07:15,466 --> 00:07:17,433
Oh, dude, is that your mom?
127
00:07:17,468 --> 00:07:19,544
No, I'm not his mom,
you little bastard.
128
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:23,005
That "little bastard" knows how
to smoke pot out of an apple.
129
00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:25,041
All right, everyone out of here.
130
00:07:27,612 --> 00:07:29,912
I've had enough of
this "Justin" nonsense.
131
00:07:29,948 --> 00:07:33,416
Tomorrow we're going to city hall to
legally change your name back to "Peter."
132
00:07:33,451 --> 00:07:35,084
All right, fine.
133
00:07:35,119 --> 00:07:38,087
But I got to say, being Justin
was quite an adventure.
134
00:07:38,122 --> 00:07:40,556
Like when I found
where the Wild Things were.
135
00:07:42,260 --> 00:07:44,894
(gun fires)
136
00:07:44,929 --> 00:07:47,563
I owe you, Max.
You led me right to 'em.
137
00:07:47,599 --> 00:07:50,733
All right, now help me grind
their horns into boner pills.
138
00:07:54,439 --> 00:07:56,906
Keira, that was
an amazing night.
139
00:07:56,941 --> 00:07:58,307
Sorry I can't
drive you to work.
140
00:07:58,343 --> 00:08:00,276
I gotta go sit in my
den until you leave.
141
00:08:00,311 --> 00:08:02,745
Oh, that's okay. I'll
just take the school bus.
142
00:08:02,770 --> 00:08:06,544
Wait... what?! You-you
drive a school bus?
143
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:10,086
(giggling): No, silly, I take the bus.
I'm in high school.
144
00:08:10,121 --> 00:08:12,255
What the hell?!
You said you were 23!
145
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:14,090
Yeah, and you said
you loved me.
146
00:08:14,125 --> 00:08:15,591
Well, I guess you
got me there.
147
00:08:15,627 --> 00:08:17,126
(knocking on door)
148
00:08:18,162 --> 00:08:22,465
Hey, Quagmire, sorry to bother you,
but we're following up on a tip.
149
00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:24,467
Did you have sex
with this underage girl?
150
00:08:24,502 --> 00:08:27,470
I don't want to go to jail, but
I really want to take credit.
151
00:08:27,505 --> 00:08:30,339
Quagmire, I'm afraid you're
under arrest for statutory rape.
152
00:08:30,375 --> 00:08:31,540
(sighs)
153
00:08:31,576 --> 00:08:33,409
All right, but let me
just send the pictures
154
00:08:33,444 --> 00:08:35,478
I took of her last night
to all my friends.
155
00:08:36,514 --> 00:08:37,880
(cell phone buzzes)
156
00:08:37,916 --> 00:08:39,917
Oh, yeah!
Boom!
157
00:08:39,918 --> 00:08:42,084
You're disgusting.
Take him away.
158
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,120
We've got all the awesome
evidence we need.
159
00:08:48,784 --> 00:08:50,617
(doorbell rings)
160
00:08:54,655 --> 00:08:56,956
"Hello, my name is
Glenn Quagmire.
161
00:08:56,991 --> 00:08:59,291
"I am a neighbor of yours
on Spooner Street.
162
00:08:59,327 --> 00:09:02,061
I am here to inform you
that I am a sex offender."
163
00:09:02,096 --> 00:09:04,563
It seems as though you could
have had some of that memorized.
164
00:09:04,599 --> 00:09:06,565
Glenn, what the
hell's going on?
165
00:09:06,601 --> 00:09:10,102
It turns out that girl I took home from
Peter's party last night is in high school.
166
00:09:10,138 --> 00:09:11,570
Oh, my God!
167
00:09:11,606 --> 00:09:14,073
Does this mean you're gonna move
to Europe to make movies?
168
00:09:14,108 --> 00:09:16,909
How in the world did you
not know she was underage?
169
00:09:16,944 --> 00:09:20,879
Well, in retrospect, she did ask a lot of
questions about To Kill a Mockingbird.
170
00:09:20,904 --> 00:09:23,082
Should have sent her my way.
I love that book.
171
00:09:23,117 --> 00:09:25,551
Oh, Gregory Peck... whew!
172
00:09:25,586 --> 00:09:27,887
Anyway, now I gotta
go in front of a judge.
173
00:09:27,922 --> 00:09:30,055
Really?
Number one or number two?
174
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:32,558
Our judicial system
is so broken.
175
00:09:32,593 --> 00:09:34,894
No, Peter... Glenn
has to go to court.
176
00:09:34,929 --> 00:09:38,063
That's right. And there's not even
a defense for statutory rape.
177
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:40,566
Once the girl proves her age,
that's it... you're guilty.
178
00:09:40,601 --> 00:09:43,156
You know what I tried today?
A fig.
179
00:09:43,181 --> 00:09:46,071
I have a hearing tomorrow morning.
I may have to go to jail.
180
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:48,741
My only hope for leniency is
to bring in character witnesses
181
00:09:48,776 --> 00:09:51,410
and show the court I'm not
the monster they say I am.
182
00:09:51,446 --> 00:09:53,746
Well, Peter would be
happy to support you.
183
00:09:53,781 --> 00:09:55,949
Yeah, you betcha, Quagmire.
I'm very persuasive.
184
00:09:55,950 --> 00:09:59,251
That's why I was so good at
selling low-cost car insurance.
185
00:10:00,955 --> 00:10:02,922
(chanting): White-trash rates
from an army guy.
186
00:10:02,957 --> 00:10:04,757
Here is a penguin,
don't know why.
187
00:10:04,792 --> 00:10:08,694
ANNOUNCER: The General Car Insurance.
It'll worry whoever you hit.
188
00:10:13,935 --> 00:10:16,902
I can't believe Quagmire
and that girl had sex.
189
00:10:16,938 --> 00:10:20,467
Which is hugging someone
really hard with your legs.
190
00:10:20,492 --> 00:10:22,592
- Nope. - Well, you'll tell me
if I get it, though, right?
191
00:10:22,617 --> 00:10:24,910
Yeah, I'll tell you if you get it.
Okay, I'm gonna get it.
192
00:10:24,946 --> 00:10:28,414
Now, Mr. Griffin, I understand you're
here to speak on Mr. Quagmire's behalf.
193
00:10:28,449 --> 00:10:31,750
That's right, Your Honor. And as we
know, according to Game of Thrones,
194
00:10:31,786 --> 00:10:34,253
if the girl has had her
blood, she is good to go.
195
00:10:34,288 --> 00:10:36,789
Has the girl had her blood?
Answer the question.
196
00:10:36,824 --> 00:10:38,924
Mr. Griffin, she was underage.
197
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:43,264
Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire
was born on February 29th.
198
00:10:43,289 --> 00:10:48,307
Ergo, he's only 12. Ergo, the girl
raped him. Argo, Ben Affleck.
199
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:57,247
Mr. Griffin, do you have any evidence
that is not based on film or television?
200
00:10:57,272 --> 00:11:01,698
I don't know. Why don't you ask
all these letters to Santa Claus?
201
00:11:03,376 --> 00:11:07,144
Something's going on. We
haven't gotten mail in a week.
202
00:11:07,169 --> 00:11:10,723
I... I haven't gotten mail in a week.
Nobody writes you.
203
00:11:12,927 --> 00:11:15,828
Officer Swanson, I'll remind you
that you are under oath.
204
00:11:15,863 --> 00:11:19,498
Now, please tell us what Mr.
Quagmire said he did with the girl.
205
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:24,470
(sighs) He, uh, said he
gave her a Frosty Jim.
206
00:11:24,505 --> 00:11:29,008
And can you please explain to the
courtroom what a Frosty Jim is.
207
00:11:29,043 --> 00:11:32,044
Uh...
Sir, you're under oath.
208
00:11:32,079 --> 00:11:37,206
Well, it's when you urinate in a
condom, and tie it off, freeze it,
209
00:11:37,231 --> 00:11:40,632
and then the woman, um,
pretends it's a man.
210
00:11:40,657 --> 00:11:42,858
Thank you.
He's a good guy!
211
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,361
Mr. Brown, can you please state
your occupation for the court?
212
00:11:49,397 --> 00:11:52,397
Aw, come on, man, you didn't
ask anyone else to do that!
213
00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:56,168
Why am I on trial?! He's the one
that mushed hisself on a child!
214
00:11:56,203 --> 00:11:57,937
When are we gonna see
this chick?
215
00:11:57,972 --> 00:11:59,738
Okay, enough! No more help!
216
00:11:59,774 --> 00:12:02,675
I'm taking this Bible.
217
00:12:02,710 --> 00:12:04,975
You want to know what kind
of person Glenn Quagmire is?
218
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,811
You want to know
what made me the person I am?
219
00:12:06,836 --> 00:12:08,171
Then put me on the stand.
220
00:12:08,196 --> 00:12:10,597
Lois, can I play
Angry Birds on your phone?
221
00:12:10,622 --> 00:12:12,685
Okay, but only
with the sound off.
222
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,520
Fine. I'll just do it
with my mouth.
223
00:12:14,555 --> 00:12:16,119
Pa-shooo!
224
00:12:16,144 --> 00:12:18,830
(imitates explosion)
(oinking)
225
00:12:21,228 --> 00:12:23,195
Please, go ahead,
Mr. Quagmire.
226
00:12:23,230 --> 00:12:25,831
Look, I know everyone's sitting
out there judging me today.
227
00:12:25,866 --> 00:12:30,069
But before you do, please know I
had it pretty rough growing up.
228
00:12:30,104 --> 00:12:33,205
My dad was a military man,
so he wasn't around much.
229
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,742
And my mom, well, let's just say,
she was a little promiscuous.
230
00:12:36,777 --> 00:12:40,079
In fact, I think my problems
started the day I was born.
231
00:12:40,114 --> 00:12:42,128
Wah! Wah! Wah!
232
00:12:42,153 --> 00:12:44,807
It's a boy,
Mrs. Quagmire.
233
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:47,285
- Oh, that's wonderful!
- How do you feel?
234
00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:52,024
Horny. Really horny. Could you put him
back so I can push him out again?
235
00:12:52,059 --> 00:12:56,295
I was born nine times that day.
And things never got easier.
236
00:12:56,330 --> 00:12:58,594
The only way I learned
my ABC's was by learning
237
00:12:58,619 --> 00:13:01,300
the names of all the guys
my mom slept with.
238
00:13:01,325 --> 00:13:04,367
♪ Art, Bob, Chet,
Don, Ed, Frank, Gus ♪
239
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:07,937
♪ Hal, Irv, John, Ken,
Lew-Matt-Ned-Ox-Pat ♪
240
00:13:07,962 --> 00:13:11,429
♪ Quint, Ron, Sam,
Tom, Ulf, Vic ♪
241
00:13:11,454 --> 00:13:14,581
♪ Walter, Xavier,
Yaz and Zeke ♪
242
00:13:14,606 --> 00:13:18,041
♪ Those are just
some of the guys ♪
243
00:13:18,066 --> 00:13:21,720
♪ There are lots
of other guys. ♪
244
00:13:21,756 --> 00:13:24,757
It was awful. I didn't even get
to go to my high school prom.
245
00:13:24,792 --> 00:13:26,392
But my mom did.
246
00:13:26,427 --> 00:13:28,895
(doorbell rings)
247
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,230
- Hey, is Crystal ready?
- Oh, hi, Ronnie.
248
00:13:31,255 --> 00:13:33,535
Hey, listen, have my mom
home by midnight, okay?
249
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,175
How about I plow her in the limo
and have her home in 20 minutes?
250
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,271
Ah, come on, Ronnie,
she bought the dress.
251
00:13:39,306 --> 00:13:41,781
So, you see, Your Honor,
thanks to my mom,
252
00:13:41,806 --> 00:13:44,176
I never had a chance to
be like everyone else.
253
00:13:44,211 --> 00:13:48,614
My misguided carnal instincts are the
result of being raised by a sexual deviant.
254
00:13:48,649 --> 00:13:53,185
All I'm asking is that you give me the
break that my childhood never did.
255
00:13:56,257 --> 00:13:58,991
Dairy Queen closes
in ten minutes.
256
00:14:01,228 --> 00:14:06,031
Mr. Quagmire, your story is a sad one,
but that doesn't excuse your actions.
257
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:09,501
I have no choice but to sentence
you to 20 years in prison.
258
00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:11,471
(gallery gasps)
259
00:14:11,505 --> 00:14:13,505
QUAGMIRE MOM:
Oh, no you don't!
260
00:14:15,242 --> 00:14:17,543
- Mom?!
MEN: Crystal?
261
00:14:17,578 --> 00:14:20,879
Ha! She's enjoyed many men.
262
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,142
Mom, what are you doing here?
263
00:14:30,178 --> 00:14:34,477
Do you know I'm carrying three handguns,
and the metal detectors picked up nothing?
264
00:14:34,502 --> 00:14:38,980
Your Honor, as the defendant's mother,
I ask that you show mercy on him.
265
00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:41,954
Well, as the victim's mother,
I ask that you go to hell!
266
00:14:41,990 --> 00:14:44,434
CHRIS: Where is your daughter?
Show her to us!
267
00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:47,310
Your Honor, I have
renounced my sinful past,
268
00:14:47,335 --> 00:14:51,002
and have been washed in the blood
of the Lord Jesus Christ.
269
00:14:51,027 --> 00:14:54,088
- You what?! - I have seen the
righteous path of our Savior,
270
00:14:54,113 --> 00:14:56,569
and ask that you not
sentence my son to jail,
271
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,743
but instead release him
to my custody so that I,
272
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:02,635
with God's guidance,
can rehabilitate him.
273
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:05,244
Wow, Quagmire's mom is
a Jesus freak.
274
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,915
I haven't been this surprised since we
went to that restaurant on my birthday.
275
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,551
All right, guys, let's pay
the check and get out of here.
276
00:15:11,586 --> 00:15:14,576
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
277
00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:15,421
You guys!
278
00:15:15,446 --> 00:15:18,057
♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪
279
00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:21,427
♪ Happy Birthday, dear Peter ♪
280
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:24,630
♪ Happy Birthday to you. ♪
281
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:28,534
Aren't you gonna blow out
your candles, Peter?
282
00:15:28,570 --> 00:15:30,870
Mom, I think something's
wrong with Dad.
283
00:15:30,905 --> 00:15:33,573
Peter? Peter?!
284
00:15:33,608 --> 00:15:37,176
Oh, my God! Help!
Someone call 911!
285
00:15:37,211 --> 00:15:40,780
It's okay, ma'am. This happens
here at Bennigan's all the time.
286
00:15:44,023 --> 00:15:46,824
- How long does this last?
- Hard to say.
287
00:15:46,849 --> 00:15:48,849
It's best to just move on.
288
00:15:56,831 --> 00:16:00,697
I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire, but
my sentence stands. 20 years.
289
00:16:00,722 --> 00:16:04,236
Mr. Quagmire, I'll give you 24 hours
to get your affairs in order.
290
00:16:04,272 --> 00:16:05,975
Oh, my God.
291
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:07,607
Ah, don't think
of it as 20 years.
292
00:16:07,642 --> 00:16:10,843
Think of it as two
ten-year-olds, you sick freak.
293
00:16:14,089 --> 00:16:18,715
- God, 20 years.
- I know this is a hard time for you,
294
00:16:18,740 --> 00:16:22,574
but you need to seek forgiveness.
You need to kneel before Jesus.
295
00:16:22,599 --> 00:16:26,202
Oh, he's gonna be kneeling in front of a lot
of guys, but I doubt he'll catch their names.
296
00:16:26,227 --> 00:16:28,628
It's usually somebody pushing
your skull in the dark.
297
00:16:28,663 --> 00:16:30,133
There are really
no introductions.
298
00:16:30,158 --> 00:16:33,793
Remember, He is
inside you all the time.
299
00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:36,809
Oh, n-now she's just setting me up.
Right?
300
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:39,839
How dare you come in here
and tell me to seek forgiveness!
301
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:40,944
Where do you get off?!
302
00:16:40,969 --> 00:16:42,518
Pretty much
everywhere, I hear.
303
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:44,710
Fat man's right...
they're making this easy.
304
00:16:44,746 --> 00:16:47,313
You've never apologized once
for the way you raised me!
305
00:16:47,348 --> 00:16:49,348
You're the one who
made me what I am!
306
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:52,852
Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown
man, responsible for his own choices.
307
00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:55,588
Seems kind of cowardly to blame
someone else for your problems.
308
00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:57,654
Brian abandoned
his own son, by the way.
309
00:16:57,679 --> 00:17:00,316
Why are you, of all people,
defending a religious nut?
310
00:17:00,341 --> 00:17:02,542
- Aren't you an atheist?
- Yeah, it's crazy.
311
00:17:02,567 --> 00:17:04,534
You can think about that
while you're in jail.
312
00:17:04,559 --> 00:17:08,010
Glenn, we're not going to get
anywhere questioning God's wisdom.
313
00:17:08,035 --> 00:17:10,066
He has a plan for everything.
314
00:17:10,091 --> 00:17:13,305
Oh, now I get it.
That's why you found God.
315
00:17:13,341 --> 00:17:15,675
So you can absolve yourself
of any responsibility
316
00:17:15,710 --> 00:17:17,543
and answer everything
with empty platitudes.
317
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:21,347
Face it, you're a worse parent
than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
318
00:17:21,382 --> 00:17:23,889
I'm concerned about Pax,
Maddox, and Shiloh.
319
00:17:23,914 --> 00:17:25,695
They're having trouble adapting.
320
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,522
They've been raised with 11 languages,
and really don't speak any.
321
00:17:29,557 --> 00:17:31,375
I hear you, Doctor. So...
322
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,959
you're saying we should
give them all faux-hawks?
323
00:17:33,995 --> 00:17:36,328
No. I think they need
intensive therapy.
324
00:17:36,364 --> 00:17:40,633
Let me see if I understand you.
Even shorter on the sides?
325
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:44,657
Don't you see? This is your chance
to open your heart and let God in.
326
00:17:44,682 --> 00:17:49,439
I know this jail sentence seems long.
But salvation can last all eternity.
327
00:17:49,464 --> 00:17:53,088
You know what else lasts an eternity?
This conversation.
328
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,481
And maybe through our shared
relationship with the Lord,
329
00:17:55,506 --> 00:17:59,341
we can begin to build
a bond as mother and son.
330
00:17:59,366 --> 00:18:02,665
"Mother and son"?!
Mothers love their children!
331
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:05,958
They nurture them and protect them!
You've never done a thing for me!
332
00:18:05,993 --> 00:18:09,161
I'd rather rot in jail than sit
here and listen to all your crap!
333
00:18:09,197 --> 00:18:10,596
(door opens, closes)
334
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:13,699
(sighs) Glenn's right. I
was never there for him.
335
00:18:13,735 --> 00:18:15,968
I've got to find
some way to fix this.
336
00:18:16,003 --> 00:18:17,903
Did you hear about
your ex-husband yet?
337
00:18:17,939 --> 00:18:21,040
He had a... uh, procedure.
338
00:18:28,082 --> 00:18:30,649
You know, some families take
their baby to the zoo.
339
00:18:30,685 --> 00:18:33,219
That's also a fun activity.
340
00:18:33,254 --> 00:18:35,054
I'm really gonna
miss all you guys.
341
00:18:35,089 --> 00:18:39,190
And I'll think of you whenever I choke
on a link sausage. Take care, buddy.
342
00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:42,094
(engine revs, tires screech)
Oh, yeah!
343
00:18:42,130 --> 00:18:44,396
Fresh air! Freedom!
344
00:18:44,432 --> 00:18:49,135
Peter, while I'm away, I want you to
hold onto my antique, gold Rolex watch.
345
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:52,105
- Oh cool, a throwing watch!
- No, no, Peter, it...
346
00:18:52,140 --> 00:18:55,474
and I cannot stress this enough...
it is not a throwing watch.
347
00:18:55,510 --> 00:18:57,510
Oh, I hear you, Quagmire.
348
00:18:59,113 --> 00:19:01,413
It didn't come back,
like you said it would.
349
00:19:01,449 --> 00:19:02,481
(sighs)
350
00:19:02,517 --> 00:19:05,317
And-and Joe, you sure you don't
mind taking care of my cat?
351
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:09,656
Oh, no, all taken care of. Brought her to the
pound this morning. She went peacefully.
352
00:19:09,681 --> 00:19:13,225
What?! No! I-I-I meant, take care
of her, like, look after her!
353
00:19:13,261 --> 00:19:15,661
Well, that seems like
a note for this morning.
354
00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:18,197
You know, maybe I won't miss
you people as much as I thought.
355
00:19:18,232 --> 00:19:20,065
Do you have anything
for me, Glenn?
356
00:19:20,101 --> 00:19:23,602
What? No! Wha-what?!
I just found out my cat died!
357
00:19:23,638 --> 00:19:28,674
Hmm. I can't help but think this selfish
attitude is part of what got you here.
358
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:33,612
Good-bye, Glenn. Be strong.
We'll keep you in our thoughts.
359
00:19:33,648 --> 00:19:37,216
Oh, y-you better get rid of that
before you get in there.
360
00:19:37,251 --> 00:19:39,552
All right.
Good-bye, everybody.
361
00:19:39,587 --> 00:19:42,688
And-and don't worry about me.
I-I'll see you real soon.
362
00:19:45,797 --> 00:19:49,655
Hey, you guys take good care
of my child rapist friend!
363
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,200
(tires screech)
364
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,934
Mr. Quagmire, wait!
365
00:19:54,969 --> 00:19:57,280
Judge?!
What are you doing here?
366
00:19:57,305 --> 00:19:59,348
I wanted to tell you
the good news in person.
367
00:19:59,373 --> 00:20:01,207
Your sentence
has been commuted.
368
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:03,976
You will not be serving
prison time after all.
369
00:20:04,011 --> 00:20:07,079
You got a good body, man.
Why do you hide it under that robe?
370
00:20:07,104 --> 00:20:09,460
"Commuted"? I don't understand.
371
00:20:09,527 --> 00:20:11,355
Hello, Glenn.
372
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:14,497
Mom?!
What's going on here?
373
00:20:14,522 --> 00:20:16,455
By the way, Your Honor,
your fly is down.
374
00:20:16,490 --> 00:20:20,073
Well, let's just say some
new DNA evidence was produced.
375
00:20:20,098 --> 00:20:22,736
And an impressive amount,
I'd say.
376
00:20:22,761 --> 00:20:24,196
PETER:
Guy takes care of himself.
377
00:20:24,232 --> 00:20:25,631
Anyway, you're free to go.
378
00:20:25,666 --> 00:20:27,800
You... you're kidding!
379
00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:31,003
- Mom... Di-did you...?
- Yep. Twice.
380
00:20:31,038 --> 00:20:32,771
But I-I thought you
were Christian now.
381
00:20:32,807 --> 00:20:36,609
Helping my son is the most
Christian thing I could do.
382
00:20:36,644 --> 00:20:38,819
You were right, Glenn.
I was a terrible mother.
383
00:20:38,844 --> 00:20:41,044
I wasn't there for you
when I should've been.
384
00:20:41,069 --> 00:20:43,970
But I'd love a second chance.
385
00:20:45,132 --> 00:20:48,067
I'd like that.
I'd like that very much.
386
00:20:48,092 --> 00:20:52,792
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
WEB-DL sync by jasonnguyen2606
387
00:20:52,870 --> 00:20:56,323
Aw, Quagmire got away with it,
and learned nothing.
388
00:20:56,348 --> 00:20:58,482
That's great.