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- (British accent): Hello!
- Hey. - Hi.
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Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates.
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I just spent the week at Ryan's,
and it was absolutely lovely.
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COACH: Fake accent, smug
attitude... This is exactly why
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the teachers have turned on Jyan.
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Jyan?! Come on!
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You chose the worst parts of both our names.
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That's why we chose it. Haters gonna "H."
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That's why Ryan has to find a new job.
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You know, I hear Elijah Wood's
looking for a stunt double.
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(laughter)
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He's so small!
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Get back in that tree and make me
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- some cookies, Ryan! Cookies!
- Yeah!
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I know, so hot, right?
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Anyway, what's going on in your little lives?
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Well, I'm just enjoying the fruits of dating
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a semi-powerful local politician.
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Tonight, it's a Valentine's Day
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cardiologists' soiree.
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- Check that out.
- Oh!
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Oh, my goodness. Is that the invitation?
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Wait, that's a real heart? Looks like meat.
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- It's not shaped like this?
- Yeah, well, you know,
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the cardiologists feel
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that the traditional cartoon heart, uh...
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- promotes ignorance.
- That's gross.
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Where's Nick? How is he
handling the breakup with Kai?
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I don't know... I haven't seen
Fat Fat Fatty in a long time.
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- Yeah, me, either.
- Yeah, I haven't seen him since the breakup.
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You live in the same room as him.
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I've been crashing in your
room while you're away.
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Is Nick missing?
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No, he is not.
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- Oh, boy.
- (chuckling): Hey.
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SCHMIDT: Oh, wow. COACH: You look terrible.
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Hey, Nick. Are you covered in gravy?
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Nope. I've been in my room
for the last week sleeping
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and thinking
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and really getting into
the comic strip Cathy.
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Oh, I'm really excited that we
can finally talk about Cathy.
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When she's mad, she says, "Ack."
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- Ack.
- Ack.
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- Ack!
- Nick, why would you come out here?
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Sounds like you were doing
pretty good in there.
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Doug's Ale House.
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- The new bar on Sixth and Spring?
- No.
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The exact coordinates
to complete my bar crawl
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that I've been working
on for almost a decade.
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- Mmm.
- What?! - Ooh.
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- SCHMIDT: Big day.
- Thanks.
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And guess what? Good news.
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(imitates drumroll)
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It's tonight! Who's in?
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- Oh...
- WINSTON: You know, I'm on call at the station tonight,
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so I can't really drink, so...
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Fawn's speaking at a cardiologist event.
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Ryan and I have a reservation at
a really fancy restaurant, so...
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You're probably thinking,
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"Oh, a bar crawl on Valentine's Day...
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Is this about Nick's breakup with Kai?" No.
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- Yeah.
- Now you might be asking yourself,
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"Is attendance really mandatory?"
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You bet it is.
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Bar crawl!
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Hmm...
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He's about to crack. We have to go tonight.
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So I have news about a bar Cr...
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Was I just out here talking to
you guys about the bar crawl?
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Did I already pitch it all to you?
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Well, it's happening tonight!
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Okay, so we hit six bars in five hours.
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Wait, wouldn't six hours make more sense?
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Yeah, that'd make sense
'cause it all divides...
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No, no, it doesn't, because it's...
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it's five hours.
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Now, the amazing thing is,
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if you connect all the
coordinates, the six bars
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form a perfect smiley
face on the map... look.
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You didn't actually connect
all the coordinates.
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- Oh, my...
- WINSTON: Hey, I think
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it is a really cool smiley face.
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- Thank you.
- I got your back, man. I got your back.
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Actually, I have all your backs, all right?
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Uh, since I can't drink tonight,
I am your designated buddy.
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Here in my backpack, I have a list of items
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that we may need.
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I got water, so...
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- I got towels for everybody.
- Perfect.
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I got... small stick.
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- Speaks for itself.
- Oh.
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Oh. Also... one female condom.
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It's gonna go quick, so I'll
let you two fight it out.
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CECE: Uh-uh. Also, I got
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- tissues for you, Nick, 'cause...
- What for?
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It's-it's Valentine's Day,
and your girlfriend broke up.
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- You guys can be sad...
- Move it right along, man.
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Cool it. And the bar crawl starts...
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- now!
- Now!
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(all cheering and whooping)
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Actually, where's Schmidt?
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Well, it's with a heavy heart...
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(laughing): Oh! that we
really must leave you.
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We really must. He's too
much. It was a pleasure.
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Pleasure.
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Easy on the puns, okay?
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00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,330
And you've got broccoli in your teeth.
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Remember what I told you about
eating at public functions?
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- Only use your back teeth.
- Only use your back teeth.
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Hey, Fawn, I'm sorry. We should probably get
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to Nick's bar crawl now, yeah?
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You remember? I confirmed it
like ten times with your intern.
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Yes, yes, yes, no.
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First, I need to, uh, schmooze
some vascular surgeons.
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Gotta get a discount on my
spider vein removal. Okay?
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Okay, ten minutes tops.
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We're still going to dinner, 'cause it took
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a lot to get this reservation.
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Also, we can't get wasted
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'cause it's a very nice restaurant.
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Which means we have to pretend
to drink in front of Nick.
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Is that really necessary?
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Oh, yakkety-yakkety-yak.
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Don't ruin my bar crawl.
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Let's go. Drink.
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- Mmm.
- Mmm.
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Mmm, mmm.
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Boom!
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I'm gonna outdrink you tonight, Miller.
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Cece, your mouth is writing a check
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that your body can't find. (Winston laughs)
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That's not an expression.
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Regionally specific to Northern Illinois.
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We say it all the time.
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- Thank you, Winston.
- You're welcome.
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Don't write a check your body can't find.
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(laughs) Every day, man.
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- For real.
- Got to. Got to.
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A gimlet for May.
140
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Thank you.
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Watch and learn, player.
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If you're a girl and you're
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in a bar on Valentine's Day,
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you're basically saying,
"Hello. Good February.
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I'm interested in casual sex."
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(chuckles) Hmm.
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May, huh?
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- That's your name?
- Yeah.
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Ah, that's crazy 'cause,
uh... (coughing loudly)
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(clears throat, groans)
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I know I just met you,
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but your name's already
written... on my heart.
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It's fate, baby.
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- It's fate... seriously?
- NICK: All right, come on! Five-minute
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- warning, let's go.
- Dude, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
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Oh, no, nope, you're in
the middle of nothing,
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because that's the cheesiest
thing I've ever seen.
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(chuckles) She hates you, Ernie.
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But I don't like her for
you, anyway. Let's go.
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- Wait, what do you mean?
- RYAN: I just don't know
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what to do. No schools are hiring.
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I've contacted everyone I know.
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I even checked through all
my contacts in England,
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00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,630
including my old headmaster
at Wellington Prep,
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to see if he knew of anything in the States.
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♪ Where there's a will, there's a ♪
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♪ Wellington way. ♪ (giggles)
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- How do you know the Wellington fight song?
- You sing it in your sleep.
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- Oh, God.
- Look, don't worry,
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00:05:58,670 --> 00:06:00,980
- you're gonna find a job.
- I'm just worried about not seeing you
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00:06:01,010 --> 00:06:02,810
- as much if I switch schools.
- Well...
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00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,620
I'll just have to sleep over more.
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00:06:04,650 --> 00:06:06,650
Or you could move in with me.
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Did the music just get louder?
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(Nick whoops) The crawl rolls on
176
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:15,260
and Winston's got the rear!
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- Let's go!
- CECE: Let's go.
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(whooping)
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00:06:17,390 --> 00:06:18,830
WINSTON: Let's go, let's go, let's go.
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Let's go with the backpack
in the back of the pack.
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Hey, so listen, can't make the crawl. Bummed.
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- What?
- But remember... tomorrow we have that photo shoot,
183
00:06:28,410 --> 00:06:30,240
and I'm gonna need you to look as Mexican
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00:06:30,270 --> 00:06:31,550
as possible, okay?
185
00:06:31,580 --> 00:06:32,710
It's not okay. We should be together.
186
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,080
It's Valentine's Day.
187
00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:35,680
Come on, you don't really care
188
00:06:35,710 --> 00:06:37,250
about Valentine's Day, do you?
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00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,450
I don't know, maybe I do.
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00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:39,490
Plus, you owe me.
191
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:40,660
I ran the teleprompter at your
192
00:06:40,690 --> 00:06:42,560
last debate... I made "Fawn is Fine"
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00:06:42,590 --> 00:06:44,260
bumper stickers on my own dime.
194
00:06:44,290 --> 00:06:47,260
- Yeah.
- Even krumped at that anti-gang initiative.
195
00:06:47,290 --> 00:06:49,290
(hip-hop song playing)
196
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,570
Yeah, I have mixed feelings about that.
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00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:55,970
- Me, too. The point is,
- Yeah.
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00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,470
I'm tired of always doing your things.
199
00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,770
What do you want? You want
a... You want a photo op?
200
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,380
Or do you want a boyfriend?
201
00:07:01,410 --> 00:07:03,570
- Call me when you know what you want.
- Yeah, okay.
202
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,150
♪ ♪
203
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:08,580
This bar completes the eyes
204
00:07:08,610 --> 00:07:10,020
on my smiley face.
205
00:07:10,050 --> 00:07:11,250
Miller, man, it's just an honor
206
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,590
to be on this bar crawl with you.
207
00:07:12,620 --> 00:07:13,960
Just serving your vision.
208
00:07:13,990 --> 00:07:15,790
Are you guys going on a bar crawl?
209
00:07:15,820 --> 00:07:17,490
I just got dumped, so this holiday
210
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,790
is really kicking me in the penis.
211
00:07:19,820 --> 00:07:21,530
Me, too, man. Me, too.
212
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:22,760
It's been a real
213
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,430
kick in the gooch.
214
00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:26,600
Not anymore, it's not.
215
00:07:26,630 --> 00:07:27,870
'Cause you're joining us.
216
00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:29,170
Valentine's Day
217
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,710
might be for couples,
218
00:07:30,740 --> 00:07:33,070
but the crawl is for all.
219
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,310
Yes. We just got our motto, folks.
220
00:07:35,340 --> 00:07:38,210
ALL: The bar crawl is for all!
221
00:07:41,780 --> 00:07:44,190
Good evening, happy Valentine's Day.
222
00:07:44,220 --> 00:07:45,590
May I offer you a piece of my hear...?
223
00:07:45,620 --> 00:07:47,360
Hey.
224
00:07:47,390 --> 00:07:48,690
You again.
225
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:50,690
I'm curious, d-do you actually
think that's gonna work?
226
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,530
I mean, you tell me.
227
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,330
(imitates heart pumping)
228
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,000
Are you trolling bars on Valentine's Day
229
00:07:56,030 --> 00:07:58,370
trying to find sad single
girls to hook up with you?
230
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,770
I'm not gonna say yes,
and I'm not gonna say no.
231
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,870
Because I know it would be a lie.
232
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:03,870
So yes.
233
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,340
I'm gonna...
234
00:08:05,370 --> 00:08:06,440
- I'm gonna take these.
- Don't!
235
00:08:06,470 --> 00:08:07,840
- Yep.
- Paid $3.50 for those.
236
00:08:07,870 --> 00:08:09,680
You owe me $3.50.
237
00:08:09,710 --> 00:08:11,910
I don't know, it's just such a huge step
238
00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:13,350
and so early in the
relationship, and I thought
239
00:08:13,380 --> 00:08:14,580
that I could skip the question
240
00:08:14,610 --> 00:08:16,050
and come back to it later,
241
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,590
which is the strategy I
taught my S.A.T. prep course.
242
00:08:18,620 --> 00:08:19,950
All right, let's do pros and cons.
243
00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:21,690
Okay, pros... I love him.
244
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,430
I love his house, I love his accent.
245
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,690
When he says "raccoon" he
says it like "rac-coon."
246
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,390
- Adorable.
- Cons...
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00:08:29,390 --> 00:08:31,530
His toaster is super-old.
248
00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,040
WOMAN: Ugh! I tried to stay out
of this, but move in with him!
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00:08:34,070 --> 00:08:36,370
Yeah, well, I-I want to
move in with him, but...
250
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:37,870
No "but," there's no damn "but."
251
00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:39,610
- No "but."
- But...
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00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,240
what if I blew it by
pretending I didn't hear him?
253
00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:45,110
Or maybe it wasn't that obvious.
254
00:08:45,140 --> 00:08:47,250
Nah, she heard me, it was very obvious.
255
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:48,780
I really hate to see you upset.
256
00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:50,220
You know, if I had something to g...
257
00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:51,620
You know what, I do have something.
258
00:08:51,650 --> 00:08:53,390
I have a bag of nuts in my bag.
259
00:08:53,420 --> 00:08:54,790
Do you want a bag of nuts?
260
00:08:54,820 --> 00:08:56,590
NICK: Maybe she didn't hear you.
261
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,230
- You know, she's got a lot of hair.
- Mm.
262
00:08:58,260 --> 00:09:00,230
And hair blocks sound.
263
00:09:00,260 --> 00:09:03,400
It happened when we were dating all the time.
264
00:09:03,430 --> 00:09:05,000
Hey, did you get a chance to read
265
00:09:05,030 --> 00:09:06,460
my Walking Dead fan fiction, yet?
266
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,500
What'd you think?
267
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:13,740
Well, here's the good news, lad.
268
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:14,910
We have a solution.
269
00:09:14,940 --> 00:09:17,080
It's God's gift to man.
270
00:09:17,110 --> 00:09:18,810
- It's alcohol.
- I can't.
271
00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,620
We agreed to pretend-drink
so we could go out to dinner.
272
00:09:21,650 --> 00:09:23,120
Are you saying that 'cause you want me
273
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:25,120
- to go to jail for murder?
- No.
274
00:09:25,150 --> 00:09:26,520
No, 'cause I'm gonna murder you
275
00:09:26,550 --> 00:09:28,520
if you're pretend-drinking on my bar crawl!
276
00:09:28,550 --> 00:09:30,660
And you're breaking my heart!
277
00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:31,990
You can't fight
278
00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:33,330
the crawl.
279
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:34,960
It's like fighting a hurricane.
280
00:09:34,990 --> 00:09:36,160
You know what a hurricane is?
281
00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:37,330
Do you guys have those over the pond?
282
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:38,770
We don't, but I know what it is.
283
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:39,770
- You guys don't have them?
- No.
284
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:40,940
- They're awful.
- Mm-hmm.
285
00:09:40,970 --> 00:09:42,970
It's like fighting one of those.
286
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,370
And a hurricane doesn't have fists,
287
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,210
so just, bang, you lose!
288
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,980
- Let's drink.
- Yeah, man.
289
00:09:49,010 --> 00:09:50,010
- Yeah!
- USA!
290
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,310
- USA!
- Yeah! - USA!
291
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:52,450
USA! (whoops)
292
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:53,450
And also where you're from!
293
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,250
- Mmm.
- To show respect.
294
00:09:56,710 --> 00:09:58,790
Well, happy V-Day to me.
295
00:09:58,820 --> 00:10:00,460
Fawn and I are on the rocks.
296
00:10:00,490 --> 00:10:02,460
By the way, a pun that would have killed
297
00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:03,790
at last week's geologist ball.
298
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:06,130
(whispering): Let's murder her.
299
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,300
What?!
300
00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:08,530
I want chicken wings.
301
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,630
I know.
302
00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:10,900
How many drinks you had tonight?
303
00:10:10,930 --> 00:10:14,100
Nine plus three minus one.
304
00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:15,970
Oh, no. That's...
305
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,740
Because I'm gonna out-drink Miller.
306
00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:19,410
You are gonna out-drink Miller?
No one out-drinks Miller.
307
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,280
- I do.
- I guarantee you, you don't.
308
00:10:21,310 --> 00:10:23,080
You don't know me.
309
00:10:23,110 --> 00:10:25,050
Cece, Nick just got dumped, okay?
310
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,650
He has a depth of anger and sadness
311
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,050
that rests between his eyes,
312
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,050
and he can drink forever and ever and ever.
313
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,720
You'll lose every time.
314
00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:34,360
Hey, it's my business partner
315
00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:35,860
that I was telling you about... Schmidt!
316
00:10:35,890 --> 00:10:38,730
ALL: Schmidt!
317
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,800
- Nick, who are all these people?
- These are the crawlers.
318
00:10:40,830 --> 00:10:44,500
The single, the lonely, the close-talkers,
319
00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:47,500
the shockingly pale, the stank-mouths,
320
00:10:47,530 --> 00:10:49,300
fat boys in the back... (whoops twice)
321
00:10:49,330 --> 00:10:51,510
(crawlers whoop twice, in
response) The chubby-fronts,
322
00:10:51,540 --> 00:10:53,010
the delusionally-okay with themselves...
323
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:55,910
but no one is alone tonight because...
324
00:10:55,940 --> 00:10:57,580
ALL (chanting): The crawl is for all!
325
00:10:57,610 --> 00:11:00,550
The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all!
326
00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:02,180
I just want chicken wings.
327
00:11:02,210 --> 00:11:03,980
Oh, you're hammered, Cece.
328
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,250
- Hey.
- Hey, Jess, I'm drinking fire.
329
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,090
- That seems dangerous.
- Mm...
330
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,090
Um, I wanted to talk to you
about what you said before.
331
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,420
What did I say? I can't remember.
332
00:11:17,450 --> 00:11:19,760
You don't, you don't remember what you said?
333
00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:21,790
No, I embraced the crawl.
334
00:11:22,930 --> 00:11:24,670
Oh.
335
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,400
WINSTON AND NICK: ♪
When it's cold outside ♪
336
00:11:26,430 --> 00:11:28,400
That sounded, that's where we're at.
337
00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:31,010
♪ I've got the month of May ♪
338
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,770
- I'm up here.
- Good, okay, I'm down here.
339
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,710
Okay, here we go, check it out.
340
00:11:34,740 --> 00:11:36,710
♪ I guess ♪
341
00:11:36,740 --> 00:11:38,710
♪ You'd say ♪
342
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:42,720
♪ What can make me feel this way? ♪
343
00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:43,720
Here we go!
344
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:45,250
♪ Bar crawl ♪
345
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,120
♪ Bar crawl, bar crawl ♪
346
00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:50,460
♪ Talkin' 'bout bar crawl ♪
347
00:11:50,490 --> 00:11:52,390
♪ Bar crawl ♪ (whooping)
348
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,400
Where my altos at?
349
00:11:54,430 --> 00:11:55,960
Come on, now, don't be shy! I see you!
350
00:11:55,990 --> 00:11:58,200
(boos, chuckles)
351
00:11:58,230 --> 00:11:59,200
Oh, no.
352
00:11:59,230 --> 00:12:01,300
NICK: And mic drop. Who's next?
353
00:12:01,330 --> 00:12:03,100
- No. What?!
- No.
354
00:12:03,130 --> 00:12:04,710
- Damn it!
- Are you following me?
355
00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:06,110
No, I'm not following you, dude.
356
00:12:06,140 --> 00:12:07,640
Do you have any nicer, sluttier friends?
357
00:12:07,670 --> 00:12:10,410
Yeah, I do, and I'm never
introducing them to you.
358
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:12,250
- That's messed up.
- And they're real dirty.
359
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,550
- Aw!
- Can I have a gimlet, please?
360
00:12:14,580 --> 00:12:16,080
- I.D.?
- Seriously? Why?
361
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,280
'Cause you ordered a dumb drink.
362
00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:19,690
(goofy laughing)
363
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,190
(snickering)
364
00:12:21,220 --> 00:12:23,520
Oh...
365
00:12:23,550 --> 00:12:25,190
(woman sighs) COACH: Ah.
366
00:12:25,220 --> 00:12:27,260
- Thank you.
- You got a Kansas license.
367
00:12:27,290 --> 00:12:28,660
That's where I learned to drive,
368
00:12:28,690 --> 00:12:30,260
and I have an emotional attachment to it,
369
00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:32,030
and I don't need to explain that to you.
370
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:34,170
No, you don't, but...
371
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,200
- You're from Kansas?
- Yup.
372
00:12:36,230 --> 00:12:38,210
Well, I'm from all over. Army brat.
373
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,210
Me, too.
374
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,270
- You are?
- Yes.
375
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,040
Uh, you ever lived in North Carolina?
376
00:12:42,070 --> 00:12:43,680
From 1989 to 1992.
377
00:12:43,710 --> 00:12:45,150
- I lived there in '93.
- No.
378
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,110
- You ever live in Germany?
- Dusseldorf in '96!
379
00:12:47,140 --> 00:12:48,880
Lived there in '97!
380
00:12:48,910 --> 00:12:50,850
That's so weird.
381
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:54,490
So, we've, like, just missed
each other for our entire lives.
382
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,730
And then we meet, like, three
times in a row in one night.
383
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,030
(laughs) Seems a little weird.
384
00:13:00,060 --> 00:13:02,230
It's kind of like, uh...
385
00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:04,870
- Fate?
- No.
386
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:06,970
- I know! I can't believe I said that!
- Why did you say that?
387
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,140
- That's so cheesy.
- Oh, I hate that!
388
00:13:08,170 --> 00:13:09,740
NICK: Hey, Coach!
389
00:13:09,770 --> 00:13:11,370
- Coach!
- I don't know them.
390
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,670
I got a female condom if you
need it, my man! (whoops)
391
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,880
Don't hold this against me, please.
392
00:13:15,910 --> 00:13:18,080
CECE (groaning): Oh, God...
393
00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:19,080
Here, Cece, have some water.
394
00:13:19,110 --> 00:13:21,480
No, thank you. No.
395
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:24,180
Valentine's Day just sucks.
396
00:13:24,210 --> 00:13:27,250
- I don't know. I kind of like it.
- Since when?
397
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:31,830
Since a few years ago... since
three years ago, to be exact.
398
00:13:31,860 --> 00:13:33,830
Oh, what happened three...?
399
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:35,700
Oh.
400
00:13:35,730 --> 00:13:38,170
It was when you first took a chance on me.
401
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,170
And we humped until the sun came out.
402
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,270
Did all the things that R. Kelly raps about.
403
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:44,200
Yeah, I know. I was there.
404
00:13:44,230 --> 00:13:46,270
It was the best night of my life,
405
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,040
and ever since then,
406
00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:49,910
Valentine's Day has always
been my favorite holiday,
407
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:51,350
and I hope that you don't remember
408
00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:54,520
that I have said any of
these things tomorrow.
409
00:13:54,550 --> 00:13:56,580
Oh, it's gonna happen again.
410
00:13:56,610 --> 00:13:58,290
It's gonna... Oh.
411
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,690
It's gonna happen again.
412
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,090
- All right.
- Oh...
413
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:02,520
(coughing)
414
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,120
Somehow, this isn't repulsive.
415
00:14:04,150 --> 00:14:06,890
It's not great, but it
certainly isn't the worst.
416
00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,730
JESS: I'm so sorry that I pretended
417
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,260
not to hear you.
418
00:14:10,290 --> 00:14:12,470
It's just that... I wasn't ready for it,
419
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,230
and sometimes you mumble with your accent,
420
00:14:14,260 --> 00:14:16,300
and I never fully understand you.
421
00:14:16,330 --> 00:14:18,570
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
422
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,470
I asked you to move in
with me out of the blue.
423
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:22,410
What kind of... nutter does that?
424
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:26,110
The craziest mother nutter
in the whole damn place!
425
00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:28,580
Ryan Geauxinue,
426
00:14:28,610 --> 00:14:30,880
will you move in with me?
427
00:14:30,910 --> 00:14:32,320
I have my own home.
428
00:14:32,350 --> 00:14:34,620
You live in a loft with
four guys and a urinal.
429
00:14:34,650 --> 00:14:35,820
Will you move in with me?
430
00:14:35,850 --> 00:14:38,160
Yes.
431
00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:39,490
- Yes?
- Yes!
432
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:40,860
- Yes!
- Absolutely.
433
00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:41,860
- Yes!
- Yes!
434
00:14:41,890 --> 00:14:42,960
(giggles)
435
00:14:42,990 --> 00:14:44,970
NICK: Home base! (groans)
436
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,770
Barkeep, bring us beer.
437
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:49,400
If you call me barkeep one more time,
438
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,840
I'm shutting this bitch down.
439
00:14:50,870 --> 00:14:52,970
Mike, I love you because you're gay...
440
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,110
and 'cause you're dangerous.
441
00:14:55,140 --> 00:14:57,080
I can't believe I used
to have a crush on you.
442
00:14:57,110 --> 00:14:58,510
(groans)
443
00:14:58,540 --> 00:15:00,780
Hey, man. How's it going?
444
00:15:00,810 --> 00:15:01,820
I'm not hooking up tonight.
445
00:15:01,850 --> 00:15:03,020
I met one girl.
446
00:15:03,050 --> 00:15:04,450
Several times.
447
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:05,850
She's pretty much perfect.
448
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:07,590
Nice. Where's she at?
449
00:15:07,620 --> 00:15:08,860
I ditched her, dude.
450
00:15:08,890 --> 00:15:09,920
She's, like, relationship material.
451
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,690
That's not what I'm looking for tonight.
452
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,490
- Really?
- Yeah, I want something easy.
453
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,130
- Something easy?
- Like Sunday morning.
454
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,300
Like Sunday morning. Know what I'm saying?
455
00:15:16,330 --> 00:15:17,630
I know what you're saying.
456
00:15:17,660 --> 00:15:19,070
That bitch is a Monday.
457
00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:20,470
- Know what I'm saying?
- You know what's funny?
458
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:21,840
I got something just for that.
459
00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:24,070
You're gonna love it. Here it is.
460
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:25,740
- I can't wait.
- Give it to me right...
461
00:15:25,770 --> 00:15:28,310
- Yo!
- Go get that girl, dude.
462
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:29,840
(whining): I don't even know where she is.
463
00:15:29,870 --> 00:15:31,580
I didn't hit you that hard.
464
00:15:31,610 --> 00:15:33,350
Hey. (grunts)
465
00:15:33,380 --> 00:15:36,780
This, uh, Schmidt's jacket you're wearing?
466
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,050
Yeah.
467
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,320
Not to be a nosy buddy,
468
00:15:39,350 --> 00:15:40,890
but sparks are flying
469
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,360
like the Wright brothers between you two.
470
00:15:43,390 --> 00:15:44,860
And I would know.
471
00:15:44,890 --> 00:15:47,490
I have their biography here in my backpack.
472
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,530
I care about Schmidt, but
just as a friend, all right?
473
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,470
Look me in the eyes,
474
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,330
and tell me you don't
have feelings for Schmidt.
475
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,310
I don't have feelings for him.
476
00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:02,980
Dude, you are nowhere near my eyes.
477
00:16:03,010 --> 00:16:04,510
Nobody hit on me. I'm taken.
478
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,180
Don't talk to me. I'm a councilwoman.
479
00:16:06,210 --> 00:16:07,340
Schmidt?
480
00:16:08,310 --> 00:16:09,650
Did the whole crawl to find you.
481
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,150
I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm sober.
482
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,290
I'm wearing my strapless bra like a belt.
483
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,550
But I know what I want.
484
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:16,860
I want you.
485
00:16:16,890 --> 00:16:18,690
I want you to be my boyfriend.
486
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,300
As much as a I want a commuter lane
487
00:16:22,330 --> 00:16:24,530
to Costa Mesa! (crowd whooping)
488
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,330
Vote Moscato!
489
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,500
(crowd cheering)
490
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:33,910
- What?
- They're kissing.
491
00:16:33,940 --> 00:16:36,210
I thought maybe you were
gonna say something like,
492
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,710
"No" or, like, "I miss him so much now."
493
00:16:38,740 --> 00:16:40,750
Last call! (groans)
494
00:16:40,780 --> 00:16:42,720
We got one more bar on the crawl!
495
00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:44,920
We have to finish the smile!
496
00:16:44,950 --> 00:16:46,320
You're never ever gonna make it.
497
00:16:46,350 --> 00:16:47,550
And I'm never gonna ride a jet ski
498
00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:49,090
with Tom Colicchio on my back.
499
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,290
So, sometimes dreams just don't come true.
500
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,030
(shouting): I'm sorry about that guy Galecky
501
00:16:53,060 --> 00:16:54,930
not hugging you from behind in the water
502
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,560
on a motorized thing... I'm sorry!
503
00:16:57,590 --> 00:17:00,170
We will finish what we have started!
504
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,470
(cheering) Yay!
505
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,440
We will feast on the spoils
506
00:17:03,470 --> 00:17:06,740
of this night for a thousand moons!
507
00:17:06,770 --> 00:17:08,610
In the name of love and booze!
508
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:09,980
(crawlers cheering)
509
00:17:10,010 --> 00:17:12,980
Oh, no. My crush is back.
510
00:17:13,010 --> 00:17:14,910
I hate myself.
511
00:17:16,580 --> 00:17:17,720
(cell phone buzzes)
512
00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:19,050
Oh, this person will not stop texting me.
513
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,820
Where is it? (phone continues buzzing)
514
00:17:20,850 --> 00:17:22,790
Sorry.
515
00:17:22,820 --> 00:17:24,930
Oh, it's an e-mail from Wellington Prep.
516
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,130
You do realize we were just
about to have sex, right?
517
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,960
Say something to get back
in the mood... say raccoon.
518
00:17:29,990 --> 00:17:31,730
They're offering me the job of headmaster.
519
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,200
In England?
520
00:17:35,630 --> 00:17:38,100
Raccoon?
521
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,690
- So, you'd be the headmaster?
- Headmaster.
522
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,760
- Of Wellington?
- Of Wellington.
523
00:17:45,790 --> 00:17:47,430
(sighing): Headmaster.
524
00:17:47,460 --> 00:17:51,030
Jess... look at me.
525
00:17:52,470 --> 00:17:53,740
I'm not gonna take it.
526
00:17:53,770 --> 00:17:54,840
Wellington's not even that great.
527
00:17:54,870 --> 00:17:56,070
You have their current headmaster
528
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:58,110
as your emergency contact.
529
00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:00,080
Okay, it's heaven on Earth.
530
00:18:00,110 --> 00:18:01,840
And I love it.
531
00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:03,380
But I love you more.
532
00:18:03,410 --> 00:18:05,010
Well, I love you, which is why I can't
533
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,710
let you pass up this opportunity!
534
00:18:07,810 --> 00:18:11,220
If we were ready to live in the same place,
535
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:12,920
then we should be ready
536
00:18:12,950 --> 00:18:15,360
to live 5,000 miles apart.
537
00:18:15,390 --> 00:18:17,390
- Yeah, I suppose, but...
- Well, I'll call you every night
538
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:18,530
after work. It'll only be,
539
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,300
like, midnight your time.
540
00:18:20,330 --> 00:18:22,400
I could learn to stay up late.
Maybe I should try cocaine!
541
00:18:22,430 --> 00:18:24,200
- Yeah! Or coffee!
- That, too.
542
00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:25,200
And I'll come and visit.
543
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,340
It's only, like, an 11-hour flight.
544
00:18:26,370 --> 00:18:28,200
And then a four-hour drive to Wellington.
545
00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:29,910
That's so long!
546
00:18:29,940 --> 00:18:33,240
Which is great... 'cause I
can catch up on podcasts.
547
00:18:33,270 --> 00:18:35,340
We can do this!
548
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:40,020
We can do this long distance, right?
549
00:18:40,050 --> 00:18:41,850
Right.
550
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,120
NICK (in distance): This is our revolution!
551
00:18:45,150 --> 00:18:46,660
(crowd clamoring outside)
552
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,460
When I say bar, you say...
553
00:18:49,490 --> 00:18:50,690
- ALL: Crawl!
- Bar!
554
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,300
Crawl!
555
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:54,730
Jess, are you guys coming or what?
556
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:58,700
Hi.
557
00:18:58,730 --> 00:19:00,600
May!
558
00:19:00,630 --> 00:19:02,100
May!
559
00:19:02,130 --> 00:19:03,510
Hey.
560
00:19:03,540 --> 00:19:04,970
- You again.
- Yeah.
561
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,380
Me again.
562
00:19:06,410 --> 00:19:08,210
Look, um, I'm sorry about earlier.
563
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:09,850
I just, I-I really didn't plan
564
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,210
on-on meeting somebody so
great tonight, you know?
565
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:13,720
You messed everything up!
566
00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:15,120
'Cause you're, like, awesome
567
00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:16,650
and that sucks because it's, like,
568
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:17,990
that's not what I want. And you're pretty,
569
00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:19,160
which is a bummer.
570
00:19:19,190 --> 00:19:21,160
'Cause it's, like, damn!
She fine, but it's, like,
571
00:19:21,190 --> 00:19:23,560
at the same time, I'm, like,
I don't need this in my life.
572
00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:25,760
- You wear a leather jacket...
- I'm sorry. Are you... I'm just confused.
573
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,730
Are you trying to say
something nice right now?
574
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,000
Yes. I am.
575
00:19:30,030 --> 00:19:32,340
And I'm terrible at it.
576
00:19:32,370 --> 00:19:34,070
Is there any way I could
get, I ca... I, um...
577
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,430
I could get your number maybe?
578
00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:41,610
(coughing)
579
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,010
Aw... (laughs)
580
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,050
A long number.
581
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,720
What the hell is this? Is
this your e-mail address?
582
00:19:47,750 --> 00:19:48,780
Write a good e-mail.
583
00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:51,020
And I'll go out with you.
584
00:19:51,050 --> 00:19:53,690
- What...?
- I'm talking full sentences.
585
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,120
I'm talking no typos.
586
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,090
No pictures. No pictures.
587
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,200
God, you are gonna make this
really hard for me, huh?
588
00:19:59,230 --> 00:20:00,460
Yes.
589
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:03,130
Aw...
590
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,660
You smell good.
591
00:20:07,870 --> 00:20:09,040
Doug's Ale House!
592
00:20:09,070 --> 00:20:11,010
The tip of the smile!
593
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,610
The crawl is complete! (crowd cheering)
594
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:13,780
Yeah!
595
00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:15,240
Yes!
596
00:20:15,270 --> 00:20:17,080
Yes! Get in!
597
00:20:17,110 --> 00:20:18,810
(cheering, clamoring)
598
00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:26,920
- Hey!
- Hey.
599
00:20:26,950 --> 00:20:29,560
Everything okay? I'd spent
a long time on the crawl,
600
00:20:29,590 --> 00:20:31,860
and now that it's over,
it's just a natural sadness.
601
00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:34,030
It's just gonna take a minute.
Just go on in. It's fine.
602
00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:36,900
What's the holdup? Nick's
cracking a little bit.
603
00:20:36,930 --> 00:20:38,900
Everybody, relax, okay?
604
00:20:38,910 --> 00:20:41,020
It's just the crawl's over.
605
00:20:41,030 --> 00:20:42,590
Kai is over.
606
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:45,990
I got nothing to do.
607
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,060
That's it. I'm not cracking.
I just have nothing to do.
608
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,000
Come on.
609
00:20:51,010 --> 00:20:52,730
Of course, you have so much to do.
610
00:20:52,730 --> 00:20:54,120
Nick we're business partners, man.
611
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,780
- We're teammates.
- YOu're smart and talented guy.
612
00:20:57,790 --> 00:21:01,760
And tonight we found out that
you have a weird, _ charisma.
613
00:21:02,770 --> 00:21:05,210
You should make more maps man.
That's what you should do.
614
00:21:05,210 --> 00:21:07,120
- You're my idea-man.
- Thank you guys.
615
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,950
Thank you for saying all this nice stuff.
616
00:21:08,950 --> 00:21:10,520
I love you guys.
617
00:21:13,530 --> 00:21:15,550
It's time to go inside.
We got a crawl to finish.
618
00:21:15,550 --> 00:21:17,750
Yeah. We got a crawl to finish.
619
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,460
Now out of my way, I'm getting another drink.
620
00:21:20,460 --> 00:21:21,710
I can't let you in.
621
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:23,970
You're not wearing shoes.
622
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:27,000
Where are you shoes, Nick?
623
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,870
Honestly, I threw 'em at a squirrel.
624
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:32,100
- Everybody's waiting for you.
- I can't go into the bar. I don't have shoes on.
625
00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:34,690
- Why don't you have shoes on, Nicholas?
- He threw them at a squirrel.
626
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:38,570
My map is just a deformed smile
now. I didn't complete it.
627
00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:39,620
Or is it?
628
00:21:40,470 --> 00:21:42,030
A goatee face.
629
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,240
- What bar is that?
- What bar is that?
630
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,490
(chuckles)
- I'm glad you asked.
631
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,280
Welcome to Winston's bar.
632
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,110
- Hot stuff!
- Aww!
633
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:52,510
Happy Valentine's day, everybody.
634
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:54,680
Like a black Mary Poppins.
635
00:21:54,690 --> 00:21:55,800
That's right.