1 00:00:01,530 --> 00:00:02,892 Why do we fight? 2 00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:04,962 What does that thing deep within each of us, 3 00:00:05,062 --> 00:00:08,024 that compels us to settle disagreements with our fists? 4 00:00:08,389 --> 00:00:11,254 Whatever it is, it's there right from the beginning. 5 00:00:12,166 --> 00:00:14,029 - Stop fighting! - Why? 6 00:00:14,428 --> 00:00:16,525 Because it's stupid and juvenile. 7 00:00:16,695 --> 00:00:19,225 We're six. We are stupid and juvenile. 8 00:00:22,701 --> 00:00:25,099 Kids, I've only been in one fight in my life. 9 00:00:25,269 --> 00:00:27,247 And this is the story of how it happened. 10 00:00:27,417 --> 00:00:29,885 Now, as you know, I recently had been left at the altar. 11 00:00:30,055 --> 00:00:32,129 And the worst thing about getting left at the altar? 12 00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:34,635 I mean, aside from actually getting left at the altar, 13 00:00:34,805 --> 00:00:36,134 was what came next. 14 00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:39,626 A steady unrelenting unbearable stream of pity. 15 00:00:40,189 --> 00:00:42,052 Cranberry Gin and tonic. 16 00:00:44,757 --> 00:00:45,982 Scotch and soda. 17 00:00:48,437 --> 00:00:49,411 Thank you. 18 00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:54,017 Could I see a menu? 19 00:00:55,861 --> 00:00:57,809 I'm going to go get you a menu... 20 00:00:58,049 --> 00:00:59,393 but I promise you 21 00:01:00,001 --> 00:01:01,414 I will come back. 22 00:01:04,592 --> 00:01:06,770 We have to start going someplace else. 23 00:01:06,968 --> 00:01:08,570 At this bar, I'm always going to be 24 00:01:08,670 --> 00:01:11,762 the guy who got left at the altar. That sucks! 25 00:01:11,862 --> 00:01:13,041 Good times. 26 00:01:13,808 --> 00:01:15,544 - We lost Barney. - What do you mean? 27 00:01:15,644 --> 00:01:17,848 There's a girl over there in a tight red sweater. 28 00:01:18,018 --> 00:01:20,056 So he's not listening to a word anyone's saying. 29 00:01:20,156 --> 00:01:21,149 Right, Barney? 30 00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:22,540 Give me a break! 31 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,071 See, he figured out a while back 32 00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:25,723 he could fake an entire conversation 33 00:01:25,823 --> 00:01:28,650 just by saying titles of black sitcoms from the 70's and 80's. 34 00:01:28,750 --> 00:01:29,999 What's happening? 35 00:01:31,411 --> 00:01:33,399 Want to go upstairs and do stuff to me 36 00:01:33,499 --> 00:01:35,188 that I won't even let Marshall do? 37 00:01:35,852 --> 00:01:37,891 Different strokes. 38 00:01:39,806 --> 00:01:41,063 What the hell is this?! 39 00:01:41,233 --> 00:01:42,944 I've told you kids about Doug, right? 40 00:01:43,114 --> 00:01:44,828 I haven't? Oh, well... 41 00:01:45,537 --> 00:01:47,586 Doug Martin was a bartender at MacLaren's. 42 00:01:47,726 --> 00:01:49,359 He was always kind of around. 43 00:01:49,459 --> 00:01:51,356 - Have... you met Ted? - What? 44 00:01:51,456 --> 00:01:53,096 We're not playing "Have you met Ted?". 45 00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:54,149 Am I dead? 46 00:01:54,818 --> 00:01:55,754 Am I dead? 47 00:01:56,272 --> 00:01:57,313 Tonight... 48 00:01:57,925 --> 00:01:59,388 I pick up a lesbian. 49 00:01:59,558 --> 00:02:02,245 Anyway, three things you need to know about Doug. 50 00:02:02,415 --> 00:02:04,928 The first thing is that Doug had a bit of a violent streak. 51 00:02:05,028 --> 00:02:06,779 ...crumbled, so he's on the ground, right? 52 00:02:06,879 --> 00:02:10,085 And we're just kicking him! He's making that face, all shaking. 53 00:02:11,076 --> 00:02:14,014 So, anyway, what we did was we left him there. 54 00:02:14,970 --> 00:02:15,997 Top you off? 55 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:20,006 The second thing is that he was weird about his hair. 56 00:02:21,044 --> 00:02:21,807 What? 57 00:02:22,233 --> 00:02:23,008 What? 58 00:02:23,501 --> 00:02:25,180 Are you looking at my hair? 59 00:02:25,598 --> 00:02:27,254 No, sir. I was not. 60 00:02:28,253 --> 00:02:29,378 It's a toupee. 61 00:02:31,029 --> 00:02:32,931 Is that funny? You want to laugh it up? 62 00:02:33,074 --> 00:02:34,324 Is it funny, guy? Is it? 63 00:02:34,424 --> 00:02:36,161 I'll tell you what, why don't you grab it? 64 00:02:36,261 --> 00:02:37,754 - Excuse me? - Go ahead, grab it. 65 00:02:37,854 --> 00:02:39,783 Grab it right off my head. Go ahead. 66 00:02:40,429 --> 00:02:42,093 You don't want to grab it? Come on. 67 00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:43,726 Come on, go ahead and grab it. 68 00:02:43,896 --> 00:02:47,169 Want to grab it off my head? Grab my toupee right off my head. 69 00:02:52,584 --> 00:02:54,132 I like you guys! 70 00:02:54,922 --> 00:02:58,195 But the third thing is that he was very loyal to his regulars. 71 00:02:58,469 --> 00:03:01,216 There they are! Hey, you guys want your booth? 72 00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:03,027 We're fine over here. 73 00:03:03,197 --> 00:03:04,706 Maybe a little too loyal. 74 00:03:04,806 --> 00:03:06,168 No, it's fine. 75 00:03:06,338 --> 00:03:08,574 Okay, you two lovebirds! Let's take this somewhere else... 76 00:03:08,714 --> 00:03:09,966 booth's reserved. 77 00:03:10,645 --> 00:03:12,382 Let's go! Now! Come on! 78 00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:14,262 Let's see some hustle, Father. Up you get. 79 00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:16,698 Okay, guys, here we are! 80 00:03:16,868 --> 00:03:18,148 So, that's Doug. 81 00:03:18,384 --> 00:03:19,766 What the hell is this?! 82 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:21,784 Some guys are sitting in our booth. 83 00:03:21,884 --> 00:03:23,926 But you know what? This is fine. 84 00:03:26,885 --> 00:03:28,757 Let's go, I'll take care of it. 85 00:03:29,106 --> 00:03:30,997 Oh boy, there he goes. 86 00:03:38,537 --> 00:03:40,843 Ladies, if you'll please adjourn to your usual booth. 87 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:43,305 Gentlemen, I will require your assistance outside. 88 00:03:43,448 --> 00:03:44,698 Our assistance with what? 89 00:03:44,798 --> 00:03:47,066 We're going to go out in the alley and fight those guys. 90 00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:48,969 What's happening now? 91 00:04:03,458 --> 00:04:05,273 I'm sorry, did you just say we were gonna... 92 00:04:05,373 --> 00:04:07,798 Those guys are being inconsiderate, okay? 93 00:04:07,968 --> 00:04:09,180 So we're going to go outside 94 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,174 and cave in their skulls, okay? This will be fun! 95 00:04:15,043 --> 00:04:16,915 {pos(192,210)}He wants us to fight? Like... 96 00:04:17,085 --> 00:04:18,921 {pos(192,230)}Like, with our hands and stuff? 97 00:04:19,091 --> 00:04:21,749 And feet maybe? I don't know what the rules are. 98 00:04:22,265 --> 00:04:24,577 {pos(192,230)}A fight. Should we go out there? 99 00:04:24,803 --> 00:04:25,625 Come on, Ted. 100 00:04:25,795 --> 00:04:27,743 There's only three things you'll ever see me fight: 101 00:04:27,913 --> 00:04:29,803 the stubborn clasp of a bra, 102 00:04:30,193 --> 00:04:32,803 {pos(192,210)}sexual harassment charges... nine for nine... 103 00:04:34,154 --> 00:04:37,688 {pos(192,210)}And the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes 104 00:04:37,796 --> 00:04:39,212 with a black suit. 105 00:04:41,546 --> 00:04:44,191 {pos(192,180)}Dude, fighting is for losers. We're civilized guys. 106 00:04:44,297 --> 00:04:47,111 {pos(192,180)}Civilized guys don't fight. Unless it's with lightsabers. 107 00:04:47,213 --> 00:04:49,091 {pos(192,210)}But that's like three to five years away, so... 108 00:04:49,261 --> 00:04:50,743 Well, that's not true. 109 00:04:50,965 --> 00:04:52,749 {pos(192,210)}Robin, I'm on the forums every day. 110 00:04:52,849 --> 00:04:54,273 {pos(192,210)}Three to five Thanksgivings from now, 111 00:04:54,373 --> 00:04:56,995 {pos(192,210)}I'm going to be carving the turkey with Old Green. 112 00:04:58,093 --> 00:05:00,607 {pos(192,210)}No, I'm saying there are plenty of legitimate reasons 113 00:05:00,721 --> 00:05:02,923 {pos(192,210)}to get in a fight... it might not be pretty, 114 00:05:03,093 --> 00:05:05,791 {pos(192,210)}but in certain situations, you gotta do what you gotta do. 115 00:05:05,893 --> 00:05:08,560 Right, I forgot. She thinks fighting's sexy. 116 00:05:08,950 --> 00:05:11,038 No, I do not! A lot... 117 00:05:12,466 --> 00:05:14,354 {pos(192,210)}Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. 118 00:05:14,454 --> 00:05:18,240 {pos(192,210)}If a guy can throw down, it's somewhat way hot. 119 00:05:18,938 --> 00:05:20,914 {pos(192,210)}And scars, hello! 120 00:05:21,084 --> 00:05:23,342 {pos(192,210)}If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin. 121 00:05:23,512 --> 00:05:26,176 {pos(192,210)}And if he's missing teeth? I'm missing my pants. 122 00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:29,716 I'm missing my wisdom teeth. 123 00:05:30,616 --> 00:05:32,134 {pos(192,210)}Outpatient procedure. 124 00:05:32,392 --> 00:05:35,626 {pos(192,210)}Local anesthesia. Whatever. It ain't a thing. 125 00:05:37,081 --> 00:05:38,640 Maybe we should go out there. 126 00:05:38,810 --> 00:05:41,898 {pos(192,210)}I can't believe we're even having this discussion. 127 00:05:42,515 --> 00:05:45,407 {pos(192,210)}You're 30, you're too old to act like this. 128 00:05:45,577 --> 00:05:48,718 {pos(192,210)}I was 30 and in those 30 years I'd been punched once. 129 00:05:49,237 --> 00:05:51,421 There's a very simple explana... 130 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,311 There was that thing at camp. 131 00:05:53,431 --> 00:05:56,457 Today, we're going to braid friendship bracelets. 132 00:05:57,507 --> 00:05:59,835 In college, I studied some Kung Fu. 133 00:06:05,667 --> 00:06:07,815 And well, there was some other stuff. 134 00:06:11,969 --> 00:06:14,091 The thing with the goat wasn't for another few months. 135 00:06:14,568 --> 00:06:16,338 The point is, I had never been in a fight. 136 00:06:16,508 --> 00:06:17,798 I'm going out there. 137 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:19,046 Dude, listen to me, 138 00:06:19,216 --> 00:06:21,788 please, trust me, I've been in plenty of fights. It's... 139 00:06:21,958 --> 00:06:23,656 really nothing to be proud of. 140 00:06:23,826 --> 00:06:25,732 Who did you get in a fight with? 141 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,250 My brothers. 142 00:06:29,344 --> 00:06:32,764 I'm sure that was quite a rumble in the Eriksen rumpus room. 143 00:06:33,916 --> 00:06:37,216 - I love brotherly horseplay! - Here comes the tickle monster! 144 00:06:37,540 --> 00:06:38,968 Noogie patrol! 145 00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:42,442 Wait, wait, wait! Timesies! Timesies! 146 00:06:43,294 --> 00:06:44,326 Cocoa break. 147 00:06:48,438 --> 00:06:49,566 Cocoa break. 148 00:06:51,741 --> 00:06:53,193 It's clobbering time. 149 00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:54,734 Ted, don't do this. 150 00:06:54,904 --> 00:06:57,672 You're a nice guy. That's your best quality. 151 00:06:57,842 --> 00:06:58,654 Is it? 152 00:06:58,754 --> 00:07:01,238 'Cause I seem to rember this nice guy getting dumped by his fiancée 153 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:02,976 for a Tae Kwon Do instructor. 154 00:07:03,295 --> 00:07:05,099 Look, this may sound crazy, but I... 155 00:07:05,199 --> 00:07:06,443 I think I need to do this. 156 00:07:06,543 --> 00:07:09,082 I think this is an experience I need to have. 157 00:07:09,824 --> 00:07:10,781 I'm going. 158 00:07:15,029 --> 00:07:15,973 Me, too! 159 00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:19,430 Guys... 160 00:07:19,694 --> 00:07:21,295 take a good look at this face, 161 00:07:21,395 --> 00:07:22,869 because the next time you see it, 162 00:07:22,969 --> 00:07:26,127 it will be disfigured in the hottest possible way. 163 00:07:26,627 --> 00:07:29,229 Because that's who I am... I'm a man. 164 00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:33,218 I like to fight and mix it up and get all dirty. 165 00:07:34,430 --> 00:07:36,705 Can you find a wood hanger for this? 166 00:07:41,446 --> 00:07:43,695 - What happened here? - I know, right?! 167 00:07:43,865 --> 00:07:46,106 Who's not looking at my toupee now?! 168 00:07:46,343 --> 00:07:47,905 Look what we did to these guys! 169 00:07:48,005 --> 00:07:49,406 - "We?" - Yeah, "we." 170 00:07:49,506 --> 00:07:51,407 Come on, man, we're a good team. 171 00:07:51,652 --> 00:07:53,188 Nice work boys! We did it! 172 00:07:53,358 --> 00:07:55,980 No you did it. We didn't do anything. 173 00:07:57,897 --> 00:08:00,292 Sure, I just beat up three guys by myself. 174 00:08:00,739 --> 00:08:03,667 You guys. That's good. You and you... 175 00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:06,605 free drinks for life. 176 00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:12,952 He thinks we were in this fight with him. 177 00:08:13,122 --> 00:08:15,344 We were in this fight with him. 178 00:08:15,752 --> 00:08:17,821 And now we are going to go in there and tell everyone 179 00:08:17,921 --> 00:08:20,826 the legendary tale of how we beat up some guys. 180 00:08:20,926 --> 00:08:22,679 And everyone is going to think it's great 181 00:08:22,779 --> 00:08:24,622 and everyone is going to sleep with me again. 182 00:08:24,746 --> 00:08:27,233 Dude, come on, no one is gonna believe we were in a fight... 183 00:08:27,333 --> 00:08:29,277 - look at us. - That's a good... 184 00:08:30,685 --> 00:08:31,827 What are you doing?! 185 00:08:31,927 --> 00:08:33,678 What I should've done a long time ago. 186 00:08:33,778 --> 00:08:34,995 - What? - I don't know, 187 00:08:35,095 --> 00:08:38,657 I just hit myself in the eye! I don't even know what I'm saying... 188 00:08:39,565 --> 00:08:41,641 I throw an awesome right hook, by the way. 189 00:08:41,811 --> 00:08:42,781 Okay, are you ready? 190 00:08:42,951 --> 00:08:44,725 - To go back in? - No, for this. 191 00:08:47,581 --> 00:08:49,408 God! You just punched me in the nose! 192 00:08:49,578 --> 00:08:51,388 - Are you crying? - Yes, I'm crying! 193 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,394 You just punched me in the nose! 194 00:08:53,878 --> 00:08:56,566 That's going to swell up real good. You're going to look like Owen Wilson. 195 00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:57,888 Let's get back in there. 196 00:08:57,988 --> 00:09:00,623 Okay, but just, let's just play this down, okay? 197 00:09:00,723 --> 00:09:03,046 I don't want this to turn into a big thing. 198 00:09:04,030 --> 00:09:05,432 And Ted comes and takes his shoe off! 199 00:09:05,542 --> 00:09:07,062 Hits him in the mouth... 200 00:09:07,232 --> 00:09:10,155 Hey, there they are! The guys that got my back! 201 00:09:22,974 --> 00:09:25,653 You two got in a fight. Really? 202 00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:28,154 Barney punched me and himself in the face 203 00:09:28,254 --> 00:09:30,073 to make it look like we got in a fight. 204 00:09:30,173 --> 00:09:31,736 Come on, Marshall! 205 00:09:32,977 --> 00:09:34,224 Look at your eye. 206 00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,370 You look like a badass. 207 00:09:37,157 --> 00:09:39,840 I'm surprised to see you had it in me. You. 208 00:09:40,301 --> 00:09:41,645 Had it in you. 209 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:43,757 Do you... 210 00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:45,973 want to touch it? 211 00:09:49,775 --> 00:09:51,421 Oh, my God, it's warm! 212 00:09:53,053 --> 00:09:55,043 Hey! Victory drinks! 213 00:09:56,032 --> 00:09:59,874 Free! Free! Free! Free! 214 00:10:00,374 --> 00:10:01,440 $7.50. 215 00:10:02,625 --> 00:10:03,854 Why do I have to pay? 216 00:10:04,024 --> 00:10:05,656 'Cause you don't got my back. 217 00:10:06,319 --> 00:10:08,388 - These guys got my back. - You know what, Doug? 218 00:10:08,488 --> 00:10:09,999 I will gladly pay. And you know why? 219 00:10:10,099 --> 00:10:11,544 Because that's what grownups do. 220 00:10:11,714 --> 00:10:14,220 They pay for their drinks, and they don't get into fights. 221 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,931 You know what I was doing, while you guys were out there being immature? 222 00:10:17,031 --> 00:10:19,069 - I'll tell you what I was doing. - Your nails? 223 00:10:20,342 --> 00:10:22,051 - I was doing... - The relationship quiz 224 00:10:22,151 --> 00:10:24,051 in this month's Cosmo? 225 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,081 - I was doing... - Your best not to cry 226 00:10:26,181 --> 00:10:29,333 when Big came back for Carrie at the end of the Sex and the Citymovie? 227 00:10:29,503 --> 00:10:30,843 Spoilers much? 228 00:10:31,553 --> 00:10:34,184 - I'll tell you what I was doing... - The captain of the football team 229 00:10:34,284 --> 00:10:35,813 because he gave you his promise ring 230 00:10:35,913 --> 00:10:39,009 and you look so pretty in your open back Homecoming dress? 231 00:10:41,577 --> 00:10:42,383 Sorry. 232 00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,588 I hate those guys! 233 00:10:45,866 --> 00:10:48,487 Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe, 234 00:10:48,657 --> 00:10:51,177 like they're Crocodile Dundee and David Hasselhoff. 235 00:10:51,619 --> 00:10:53,593 Those are the manliest guys in the universe? 236 00:10:53,693 --> 00:10:56,466 I don't understand why they're getting all this attention. I mean, 237 00:10:56,636 --> 00:10:58,367 I'm the real hero here. 238 00:10:58,537 --> 00:11:00,352 - Yeah, you are. - I'm serious, woman. 239 00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,104 Put it back in your pants. 240 00:11:04,641 --> 00:11:07,484 You're the man every boy should grow up to become 241 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,622 and every girl should marry. 242 00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:11,843 You know what? 243 00:11:12,013 --> 00:11:14,452 I have two kids in my class who won't stop fighting. 244 00:11:14,622 --> 00:11:16,427 If you come to school tomorrow and 245 00:11:16,552 --> 00:11:19,265 tell them your story of choosing the path of nonviolence, 246 00:11:19,435 --> 00:11:21,396 it might really set them straight. 247 00:11:21,566 --> 00:11:24,720 And save me having to get up early to make a lesson plan. 248 00:11:25,637 --> 00:11:26,597 All right. 249 00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,147 I'll set them straight. 250 00:11:29,377 --> 00:11:31,383 - You're a wuss. - What? 251 00:11:33,048 --> 00:11:36,485 Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala are telling you kids this story 252 00:11:36,586 --> 00:11:39,389 - to illustrate... - To illustrate that you're a wuss? 253 00:11:39,735 --> 00:11:41,854 Why didn't you just fight those guys? 254 00:11:42,024 --> 00:11:44,446 - Were you scared? - What? 255 00:11:46,521 --> 00:11:48,043 I wasn't scared! 256 00:11:48,379 --> 00:11:50,112 I've been in plenty of fights, okay? 257 00:11:50,237 --> 00:11:51,442 You're huge! 258 00:11:51,612 --> 00:11:53,968 You must weigh like a thousand pounds. 259 00:11:56,147 --> 00:11:59,238 First of all, I'm wearing a baggy sweater, 260 00:11:59,487 --> 00:12:01,671 and it has horizontal stripes. 261 00:12:01,841 --> 00:12:03,690 And I also... and I had a salty lunch... 262 00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:05,979 And so I'm retain... You know what? Shut up! 263 00:12:06,079 --> 00:12:07,021 Wuss! 264 00:12:14,796 --> 00:12:15,541 So, 265 00:12:16,011 --> 00:12:17,950 you just beat those guys up? 266 00:12:18,348 --> 00:12:19,161 Just? 267 00:12:20,887 --> 00:12:23,431 Amanda, were it so simple. You see, 268 00:12:23,921 --> 00:12:26,196 hand to hand combat is about so much more than just 269 00:12:26,366 --> 00:12:28,954 administering brute force on your opponent, right B? 270 00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,733 - You know it! - It's a science. 271 00:12:32,729 --> 00:12:34,832 The sweet science, as it were. 272 00:12:35,092 --> 00:12:38,327 Wait, I'm confused, what did those guys do to deserve it? 273 00:12:38,657 --> 00:12:40,919 Well, this may sound petty, 274 00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:44,267 - but they sat in our booth. - They sat in our booth. 275 00:12:44,437 --> 00:12:46,099 - And nobody... - Nobody. 276 00:12:46,269 --> 00:12:47,623 Sits in our booth. 277 00:12:51,877 --> 00:12:54,174 Are you going to beat those guys up? 278 00:12:58,369 --> 00:13:00,983 Yes, we are going to beat those guys up. Ted, come on. 279 00:13:04,686 --> 00:13:06,936 You two. Our booth. 280 00:13:07,106 --> 00:13:09,918 - Get out. Now! - What are you doing? 281 00:13:10,088 --> 00:13:11,819 Relax, we got Doug. Big Doug's got our backs. 282 00:13:11,919 --> 00:13:13,727 Yeah, Doug's not here tonight. 283 00:13:14,237 --> 00:13:15,362 Can I get you guys anything? 284 00:13:15,532 --> 00:13:17,499 Drinks? Cash? Those two girls over there? 285 00:13:18,437 --> 00:13:19,855 Are you Ted Mosby? 286 00:13:21,287 --> 00:13:23,792 - Yeah, I am. - And you're Barney Stinson? 287 00:13:23,962 --> 00:13:25,342 They've heard of us. 288 00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:29,940 It's cool, guys. We'll let you leave with your asses unkicked. 289 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,956 This time. A'ight? 290 00:13:34,494 --> 00:13:37,259 - What's... what's this? - You've been served. 291 00:13:37,429 --> 00:13:39,313 You're being sued for assault. 292 00:13:40,014 --> 00:13:41,439 Enjoy your booth. 293 00:13:47,379 --> 00:13:48,692 That was close. 294 00:13:52,824 --> 00:13:55,292 Assault! They're suing us for assault! 295 00:13:55,413 --> 00:13:57,715 Okay, well, what's the penalty for assault? 296 00:13:57,852 --> 00:13:59,491 What, do I have to pay a fine? 297 00:13:59,661 --> 00:14:01,004 Pick up trash on the highway? 298 00:14:01,104 --> 00:14:03,407 'Cause I've done that before, know what I mean? 299 00:14:03,702 --> 00:14:04,720 I don't know. 300 00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:05,916 Actually, he did know 301 00:14:06,016 --> 00:14:08,550 that the worst we were looking at was a small civil settlement, 302 00:14:08,666 --> 00:14:10,269 and probably no criminal charges. 303 00:14:10,439 --> 00:14:11,935 But he was really pissed at us. 304 00:14:12,055 --> 00:14:15,179 I mean, you guys could be looking at some serious prison time. 305 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:17,518 - Prison?! - I can't go to prison! 306 00:14:18,084 --> 00:14:19,921 I mean, I could get a lot of reading done, 307 00:14:20,021 --> 00:14:21,980 finally write some short stories. 308 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,493 Work out all the time. 309 00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:26,059 Seriously, if I don't come out of there completely ripped... 310 00:14:26,159 --> 00:14:28,097 We can't go to prison! 311 00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:30,254 People get shivved in the joint! 312 00:14:31,262 --> 00:14:33,451 Plus the meals are really starchy. 313 00:14:34,019 --> 00:14:37,828 Well, you guys should have thought of that before you beat up those guys. 314 00:14:39,892 --> 00:14:41,078 What if we didn't? 315 00:14:41,382 --> 00:14:43,265 - Didn't what, Ted? - Didn't beat up those guys. 316 00:14:43,365 --> 00:14:45,306 What if Doug beat up those guys all by himself 317 00:14:45,406 --> 00:14:47,194 - and we didn't do anything? - I knew it! 318 00:14:47,294 --> 00:14:49,216 I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! 319 00:14:49,476 --> 00:14:54,160 - You guys didn't throw a single punch. - Well, I hit Ted and myself, so... 320 00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:57,471 Well, who's the wuss now? Answer: 321 00:14:57,641 --> 00:14:58,447 You guys. 322 00:14:58,617 --> 00:15:00,429 Look, can you just help us get out of this? 323 00:15:00,529 --> 00:15:03,336 You know the old expression: If you're not prepared to do the time 324 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,731 don't pretend to do the crime and laugh 325 00:15:05,831 --> 00:15:09,431 and get free drinks and not stand up for your friend who, incidentally, 326 00:15:09,556 --> 00:15:12,497 has been in plenty of fights with his brothers. 327 00:15:14,442 --> 00:15:16,573 Look, you've got to help us out, Marshall. 328 00:15:16,743 --> 00:15:18,903 We're the Three Musketeers! 329 00:15:19,561 --> 00:15:21,916 If I give up Ted, how much time am I looking at? 330 00:15:27,813 --> 00:15:29,526 I've been looking for you. 331 00:15:30,117 --> 00:15:33,207 I got... tickets to this hockey game tonight. It's stupid. 332 00:15:33,697 --> 00:15:34,719 You want to go? 333 00:15:34,889 --> 00:15:37,462 It might go kind of late, so, maybe, after the game 334 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:38,829 we can grab a drink. 335 00:15:39,230 --> 00:15:41,221 Get this. You know that fight? 336 00:15:42,176 --> 00:15:43,933 These guys faked the whole thing. 337 00:15:51,236 --> 00:15:53,454 I forgot! Tonight is no good. 338 00:15:53,624 --> 00:15:57,584 I can't go to that hockey game tonight, I got that... 339 00:16:16,511 --> 00:16:18,639 Good news... I talked to the guys. 340 00:16:18,809 --> 00:16:20,782 - What guys? - The guys you didn't beat up. 341 00:16:20,952 --> 00:16:22,867 They agreed to drop the lawsuit. 342 00:16:23,291 --> 00:16:24,368 Lawyered. 343 00:16:24,468 --> 00:16:26,069 What? They agreed to drop it? 344 00:16:26,239 --> 00:16:28,956 I just explained that you two are wusses. 345 00:16:29,225 --> 00:16:31,879 We had a good laugh about that. A good long laugh, actually. 346 00:16:32,049 --> 00:16:34,924 I explained how you get a mani/pedi once a month. 347 00:16:35,293 --> 00:16:37,560 Weekly, Wolverine... some of us care. 348 00:16:38,116 --> 00:16:40,558 And how you played the hammer dulcimer 349 00:16:40,658 --> 00:16:43,076 in the Pre-Reformation Dance Society at Wesleyan. 350 00:16:43,412 --> 00:16:45,174 Did you at least tell them we were one of 351 00:16:45,274 --> 00:16:48,037 the premier Medieval chamber groups in the Little Ivies? 352 00:16:48,251 --> 00:16:49,081 I did. 353 00:16:49,181 --> 00:16:51,097 And we all agreed it was much more likely that 354 00:16:51,197 --> 00:16:52,665 one guy beat up the three of them 355 00:16:52,765 --> 00:16:55,598 than that you two had anything to do with it, so... 356 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,268 Wait, so... 357 00:16:57,590 --> 00:16:59,942 - so now they're only suing Doug. - Affirmative. 358 00:17:00,803 --> 00:17:02,302 Angry, irrational, 359 00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,265 violent Doug, 360 00:17:04,395 --> 00:17:07,462 who now knows we were the ones who threw him under the bus. 361 00:17:08,567 --> 00:17:09,508 They what?! 362 00:17:10,588 --> 00:17:13,494 - Look, Doug, we can explain... - Explain what? 363 00:17:13,818 --> 00:17:16,733 Explain how you stabbed me in the back right to my face? 364 00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,204 Robin, I'm scared. 365 00:17:18,607 --> 00:17:20,098 Is Doug seeing anyone? 366 00:17:20,268 --> 00:17:22,668 Are you seeing anyone? You really should. 367 00:17:23,078 --> 00:17:24,877 Doug, look, you don't understand, 368 00:17:25,047 --> 00:17:27,202 you beat up those guys all by yourself. 369 00:17:27,372 --> 00:17:30,679 It's true, all right? They had nothing to do with it. I mean... 370 00:17:31,399 --> 00:17:32,754 look at these two. 371 00:17:34,337 --> 00:17:35,605 It was all Ted! 372 00:17:37,808 --> 00:17:39,947 - Look at this guy. - Yeah, look at me! 373 00:17:40,047 --> 00:17:41,857 He wouldn't last 5 minutes in a fight. 374 00:17:41,957 --> 00:17:43,395 I think I could last at least five... 375 00:17:43,495 --> 00:17:46,081 He's got the muscle definition of linguini. 376 00:17:46,829 --> 00:17:49,420 Linguini with meatballs maybe... check it. 377 00:17:51,084 --> 00:17:52,274 - Look! - Don't. 378 00:17:52,994 --> 00:17:54,844 Okay, you know what, maybe it was 379 00:17:54,944 --> 00:17:57,234 just me. Actually, you know what, that makes a lot of sense. 380 00:17:57,334 --> 00:17:58,702 I tend to black out a lot. 381 00:17:58,802 --> 00:18:01,393 Anyway, look, I always got your back. 382 00:18:01,987 --> 00:18:03,749 All I ask in return is that you got mine. 383 00:18:03,919 --> 00:18:05,208 But you know what? 384 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:06,548 You don't. 385 00:18:07,306 --> 00:18:08,866 You can't be counted on. 386 00:18:10,028 --> 00:18:11,976 No wonder your fiancée left you. 387 00:18:12,677 --> 00:18:15,934 And here it is, kids, the only fight I've ever been in. 388 00:18:16,104 --> 00:18:18,465 So what can I share about the experience? 389 00:18:20,813 --> 00:18:23,766 Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face, 390 00:18:24,715 --> 00:18:26,262 it hurts your hand... 391 00:18:27,211 --> 00:18:27,984 a lot. 392 00:18:30,301 --> 00:18:32,427 But what hurts even more than that? 393 00:18:33,365 --> 00:18:34,159 This. 394 00:18:35,525 --> 00:18:38,090 And the next thing I remember was waking up. 395 00:18:39,672 --> 00:18:41,922 I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. 396 00:18:42,768 --> 00:18:45,775 Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea. 397 00:18:46,068 --> 00:18:47,583 And that's my story. 398 00:18:47,838 --> 00:18:49,534 And what did you learn? 399 00:18:49,811 --> 00:18:53,464 Well, I learned that fighting is bad 400 00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:56,325 and you shouldn't do it ever. 401 00:18:56,925 --> 00:18:58,163 Any questions? 402 00:19:00,037 --> 00:19:02,115 Where do you find these people? 403 00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:05,752 I know! Was there a big sale at the wuss market? 404 00:19:05,922 --> 00:19:06,871 Wuss! 405 00:19:08,823 --> 00:19:11,868 Of course, I didn't tell those kids what really happened. 406 00:19:12,665 --> 00:19:15,864 Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. 407 00:19:17,575 --> 00:19:18,876 What happened? 408 00:19:19,966 --> 00:19:21,196 This happened. 409 00:19:24,812 --> 00:19:26,347 Holy crap! 410 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,819 Turns out Uncle Marshall and his brothers 411 00:19:28,921 --> 00:19:31,147 did a little more than just roughhouse. 412 00:19:37,621 --> 00:19:38,875 Cocoa break! 413 00:19:48,011 --> 00:19:50,327 Marshall looks good. Has he lost weight? 414 00:19:50,497 --> 00:19:51,845 Bitch, don't even. 415 00:19:53,431 --> 00:19:55,277 Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message 416 00:19:55,377 --> 00:19:57,459 that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, 417 00:19:57,561 --> 00:19:59,046 but I know that's pointless. 418 00:19:59,216 --> 00:20:01,005 So, I'll leave you with this: 419 00:20:01,175 --> 00:20:03,338 don't ever get in a fight with Uncle Marshall. 420 00:20:03,508 --> 00:20:05,249 That guy's freaking crazy. 421 00:20:10,842 --> 00:20:12,766 {pos(192,200)}It is so good to be home. 422 00:20:12,866 --> 00:20:15,222 {pos(192,200)}Mom, Lily, fantastic job. 423 00:20:15,696 --> 00:20:18,142 "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat." Right? 424 00:20:18,312 --> 00:20:20,602 Okay, here we go. Goggles on. 425 00:20:26,066 --> 00:20:28,514 All right, so, you guys pass the plates. 426 00:20:28,684 --> 00:20:30,608 Lily, you want white or dark meat? 427 00:20:30,778 --> 00:20:33,252 Dark! Honey, please be careful.