1
00:00:00,651 --> 00:00:03,923
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,923 --> 00:00:07,191
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,226 --> 00:00:10,761
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,796 --> 00:00:13,764
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,799 --> 00:00:17,267
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,303 --> 00:00:20,571
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,606 --> 00:00:22,139
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,174 --> 00:00:23,507
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,542 --> 00:00:25,052
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:29,059
♪ Family Guy 13x11 ♪
Encyclopedia Griffin
Original Air Date on February 15, 2015
11
00:00:29,060 --> 00:00:33,060
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:33,085 --> 00:00:35,552
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Hard Knocks CFL:
13
00:00:35,588 --> 00:00:38,122
Training Camp
with the Toronto Argonauts.
14
00:00:38,157 --> 00:00:39,289
I hope you make it.
15
00:00:39,325 --> 00:00:40,457
You're real good.
16
00:00:40,493 --> 00:00:41,959
No way, not as
good as you.
17
00:00:41,994 --> 00:00:43,127
I hope you make it.
18
00:00:43,162 --> 00:00:44,795
What're you gonna do
with all your money?
19
00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:45,963
Oh, probably
just save it.
20
00:00:45,998 --> 00:00:47,464
Yeah, that's
real smart.
21
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:49,366
Well, back
to my book.
22
00:00:49,401 --> 00:00:51,535
Peter, I was at the park
with Stewie,
23
00:00:51,570 --> 00:00:53,537
and someone stole
his tricycle.
24
00:00:53,572 --> 00:00:55,038
And during, like,
the one second
25
00:00:55,074 --> 00:00:57,307
I was looking down at my phone
and not at him.
26
00:00:57,343 --> 00:00:58,742
Stupid thief.
27
00:00:58,777 --> 00:01:01,145
It's got a vanity plate
that won't even apply to him.
28
00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:02,312
Hey.
29
00:01:02,348 --> 00:01:04,314
You like your reggae
watered down
30
00:01:04,350 --> 00:01:05,649
and acceptable
at a wedding?
31
00:01:05,684 --> 00:01:07,151
Hop on.
32
00:01:07,186 --> 00:01:09,820
Ugh, can't believe somebody
stole Stewie's trike.
33
00:01:09,855 --> 00:01:11,989
I only had nine payments
left on that thing.
34
00:01:12,024 --> 00:01:13,323
How much do you make?
35
00:01:13,359 --> 00:01:15,325
Don't worry, Lois, I'm
gonna find that tricycle.
36
00:01:15,361 --> 00:01:18,495
I'll just have four to five
beers to stop the shaking,
37
00:01:18,531 --> 00:01:20,097
and then I'll
go outside.
38
00:01:24,470 --> 00:01:27,104
Huh, never seen that kid
around the neighborhood.
39
00:01:27,139 --> 00:01:28,872
Maybe he's got something
to do with it.
40
00:01:28,908 --> 00:01:30,374
Hey, kid.
41
00:01:30,409 --> 00:01:31,729
You know anything
about a tricycle
42
00:01:31,744 --> 00:01:33,210
that just got stolen
from the park?
43
00:01:33,245 --> 00:01:34,545
No, sir, I've been
sitting here
44
00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:36,547
for the last three hours
selling lemonade.
45
00:01:36,582 --> 00:01:38,048
Would you like
an ice-cold glass?
46
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,884
Why, sure.
47
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,053
You couldn't have been here
for three hours on this,
48
00:01:43,088 --> 00:01:44,388
the hottest day
of the year,
49
00:01:44,423 --> 00:01:46,557
or the ice cubes in your
pitcher would have melted.
50
00:01:46,592 --> 00:01:47,624
Ow...
51
00:01:47,660 --> 00:01:49,060
You have the right
to remain silent.
52
00:01:49,094 --> 00:01:50,094
Anything you say...
53
00:01:50,095 --> 00:01:51,562
Peter, Peter! We
can't arrest him.
54
00:01:51,597 --> 00:01:52,896
If anything, they
can arrest you.
55
00:01:52,932 --> 00:01:54,898
Hey, here's
the tricycle.
56
00:01:54,934 --> 00:01:56,400
You were right,
Peter.
57
00:01:56,435 --> 00:01:57,734
This kid's a thief.
58
00:01:57,770 --> 00:01:58,770
We did it!
59
00:01:58,771 --> 00:01:59,903
Wow, look at us.
60
00:01:59,939 --> 00:02:01,905
Hey, you know,
we make a great team, guys.
61
00:02:01,941 --> 00:02:03,574
Like Huey Lewis
and the Jews.
62
00:02:03,609 --> 00:02:05,576
♪ We don't
need money... ♪
63
00:02:05,611 --> 00:02:07,277
Sorry, the band's
breaking up.
64
00:02:09,982 --> 00:02:11,615
Here you go, Stewie.
65
00:02:11,650 --> 00:02:12,950
Don't bother sniffing
the seat.
66
00:02:12,985 --> 00:02:14,318
It don't smell
like nothing.
67
00:02:14,353 --> 00:02:15,485
Oh, yeah, my trike.
68
00:02:15,521 --> 00:02:16,987
Eh, I'm kind of
over that thing.
69
00:02:17,022 --> 00:02:20,991
Now I'm way into wooden
beads you move along wires.
70
00:02:21,026 --> 00:02:22,326
Whoa...
71
00:02:22,361 --> 00:02:24,494
Oh, yeah...
72
00:02:24,530 --> 00:02:26,830
Boy, when you find
a baby's tricycle,
73
00:02:26,865 --> 00:02:28,665
it feels like there's
nothing you can't do.
74
00:02:28,701 --> 00:02:30,334
Man, I wish we
could quit our jobs
75
00:02:30,369 --> 00:02:32,669
and solve children's
crimes full-time.
76
00:02:32,705 --> 00:02:34,671
I heard you guys are
good at solving cases.
77
00:02:34,707 --> 00:02:37,507
I'll give you 50 cents to
find my lucky baseball card.
78
00:02:37,543 --> 00:02:39,676
Guys, we're
in business.
79
00:02:39,712 --> 00:02:41,111
(celebrating)
80
00:02:41,146 --> 00:02:43,780
Oh, wait a minute, I didn't
notice you have a pierced ear.
81
00:02:43,816 --> 00:02:44,948
We can't help you.
82
00:02:44,984 --> 00:02:46,450
You go home
and tell your mother
83
00:02:46,485 --> 00:02:48,685
she's supposed to be
a parent, not a friend.
84
00:02:53,392 --> 00:02:55,192
All right, guys, this'll be
the headquarters
85
00:02:55,227 --> 00:02:57,194
for our new
detective agency.
86
00:02:57,229 --> 00:02:59,129
This milk crate
will be my chair,
87
00:02:59,164 --> 00:03:01,331
this overturned rain barrel
will be my desk,
88
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:03,166
and this DNA evidence
centrifuge
89
00:03:03,202 --> 00:03:05,636
and fingerprint scanner
will be my coatrack.
90
00:03:05,671 --> 00:03:07,638
Piece of junk.
91
00:03:07,673 --> 00:03:10,641
I guess all our detective
agency needs now is a name.
92
00:03:10,676 --> 00:03:13,310
Well, we're detectives
solving children's crimes.
93
00:03:13,345 --> 00:03:14,978
There's only one name
that makes sense.
94
00:03:15,014 --> 00:03:16,647
"Dicks for Kids"?
"Dicks for Kids."
95
00:03:16,682 --> 00:03:18,982
But wait, we want people
to know we're grown-ups.
96
00:03:19,018 --> 00:03:20,651
Okay, "Big Dicks
For Kids."
97
00:03:20,686 --> 00:03:22,319
But we don't want
to sound too old.
98
00:03:22,354 --> 00:03:24,821
They're gonna think we're a
bunch of old, bald geezers.
99
00:03:24,857 --> 00:03:26,323
"Big Hairy Dicks
for Kids."
100
00:03:26,358 --> 00:03:29,326
How are we gonna let them
know we're "veiny"?
101
00:03:31,797 --> 00:03:34,097
So, you say this gumball machine
took your dime
102
00:03:34,133 --> 00:03:35,432
and didn't give you
a gumball?
103
00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:36,467
That's right.
104
00:03:36,468 --> 00:03:37,768
Well, I'll take care
of that.
105
00:03:37,803 --> 00:03:39,770
Hand over the dime, buddy.
106
00:03:39,805 --> 00:03:40,937
Come on, hand it over.
107
00:03:40,973 --> 00:03:42,272
Don't make this
hard on yourself.
108
00:03:42,308 --> 00:03:43,607
Wait a minute.
109
00:03:43,642 --> 00:03:45,742
This gumball machine
takes quarters, not dimes.
110
00:03:45,778 --> 00:03:47,077
(siren wails)
111
00:03:47,112 --> 00:03:48,412
Holy crap, it's a setup.
112
00:03:48,447 --> 00:03:49,946
Time to make a quick getaway.
113
00:03:56,755 --> 00:03:58,221
You were set up,
too, huh?
114
00:03:58,257 --> 00:03:59,556
Yeah.
115
00:03:59,591 --> 00:04:03,727
You realize that kid is plowing
both our wives right now.
116
00:04:05,764 --> 00:04:07,097
So what do we got
today, boys?
117
00:04:07,132 --> 00:04:09,466
Well, it seems like we got
a bit of a crime spree.
118
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:11,468
Just this morning,
we've had multiple reports
119
00:04:11,503 --> 00:04:12,803
of stolen items.
120
00:04:12,838 --> 00:04:16,473
Uh, couple marbles, ball
of yarn, two Wiffle ball bats.
121
00:04:16,508 --> 00:04:20,877
Someday a rain'll come and wash
all this scum off the streets.
122
00:04:20,913 --> 00:04:23,380
Guys, I think I've got a
lead on all these thefts.
123
00:04:23,415 --> 00:04:26,049
One of the kids had
a nanny-cam hidden in his room.
124
00:04:28,921 --> 00:04:31,888
Come on, let's do it
on your son's tiny bed.
125
00:04:31,924 --> 00:04:33,757
Hurry, he gets home
at 3:00.
126
00:04:33,792 --> 00:04:35,092
Okay, it's later than this.
127
00:04:35,127 --> 00:04:36,927
Y-Yeah,
f-fast-forward ahead.
128
00:04:36,962 --> 00:04:37,962
Forward. Forward.
129
00:04:37,963 --> 00:04:38,963
Keep forwarding.
130
00:04:38,964 --> 00:04:40,263
Is that woman
gonna be okay?
131
00:04:40,299 --> 00:04:41,299
Yeah, yeah, she's fine.
132
00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,766
We're having brunch
after this.
133
00:04:42,801 --> 00:04:45,102
God, I look huge
in that bed, don't I?
134
00:04:45,137 --> 00:04:46,770
You think other
guys hang out
135
00:04:46,805 --> 00:04:49,773
and watch their friend's
naked gyrating butt?
136
00:04:49,808 --> 00:04:52,776
It's been so long, I don't
know what other friends do.
137
00:04:52,811 --> 00:04:54,778
Forwarding, forwarding,
forwarding...
138
00:04:54,813 --> 00:04:55,946
And there we go.
139
00:04:55,981 --> 00:04:57,013
Our thief.
140
00:05:00,486 --> 00:05:01,618
(gasps)
141
00:05:01,653 --> 00:05:03,954
Chris Gaines was Garth Brooks.
142
00:05:03,989 --> 00:05:05,789
I just figured that out.
143
00:05:08,327 --> 00:05:10,994
Oh, my God, Chris stole
all that stuff.
144
00:05:11,029 --> 00:05:12,496
No way,
he wouldn't do that.
145
00:05:12,531 --> 00:05:13,830
Peter, Chris is
on the tape.
146
00:05:13,866 --> 00:05:15,165
We got to search
his bedroom.
147
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:16,500
Fine, go ahead.
148
00:05:16,535 --> 00:05:19,002
But I'm telling you, it's gonna
be a bigger waste of time
149
00:05:19,037 --> 00:05:21,138
than writing tough-guy dialogue
for a Jet Li movie.
150
00:05:24,309 --> 00:05:25,842
(grunting)
151
00:05:26,879 --> 00:05:28,445
(grunting, bone cracking)
152
00:05:31,417 --> 00:05:33,049
This is your
last warning.
153
00:05:33,085 --> 00:05:34,384
Give me back my wife.
154
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,052
What? Excuse me?
155
00:05:36,088 --> 00:05:38,555
Give me back my wife, or
you're in a lot of trouble.
156
00:05:38,590 --> 00:05:39,723
I'll kick all
your faces.
157
00:05:39,758 --> 00:05:40,891
You got me?
158
00:05:40,926 --> 00:05:42,893
You're kind of undoing
everything you just did
159
00:05:42,928 --> 00:05:44,060
when you kicked
my ass.
160
00:05:44,096 --> 00:05:46,630
I know, but I have
to say for audience.
161
00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:56,473
Chris still has
an Aaron Hernandez poster up?
162
00:05:56,508 --> 00:05:58,041
That's not cool.
163
00:05:59,945 --> 00:06:01,411
See, there's nothing here.
164
00:06:01,447 --> 00:06:03,246
Just a weird life-sized
lady doll
165
00:06:03,282 --> 00:06:05,182
made out of all the stuff
that got stolen.
166
00:06:07,953 --> 00:06:09,252
CHRIS:
No!
167
00:06:09,288 --> 00:06:10,420
Don't hurt Heather.
168
00:06:10,456 --> 00:06:11,755
Don't hurt my girlfriend.
169
00:06:11,790 --> 00:06:12,923
What the hell?!
170
00:06:12,958 --> 00:06:14,424
Chris made
a sex doll?!
171
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:16,426
Your kid's got
a walk-in closet?
172
00:06:16,462 --> 00:06:18,528
Two of mine gotta sleep
in the car.
173
00:06:23,863 --> 00:06:25,330
Chris is still
in his room
174
00:06:25,365 --> 00:06:27,332
with that disgusting
homemade sex doll.
175
00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:29,534
He actually thinks
it's his girlfriend.
176
00:06:29,569 --> 00:06:31,035
I know, it's weird.
177
00:06:31,071 --> 00:06:33,938
It's even weirder than that
secret level in Donkey Kong.
178
00:06:58,865 --> 00:07:00,865
♪ ♪
179
00:07:21,321 --> 00:07:23,354
♪ ♪
180
00:07:46,613 --> 00:07:49,247
Maybe it's our fault Chris
has such a screwed-up idea
181
00:07:49,282 --> 00:07:51,249
about what
a relationship is.
182
00:07:51,284 --> 00:07:52,583
I mean,
let's be honest,
183
00:07:52,619 --> 00:07:54,585
we're not exactly the model
of a healthy marriage.
184
00:07:54,621 --> 00:07:57,255
Oh, boy, is this 'cause of
the time I pushed off of you
185
00:07:57,290 --> 00:07:58,923
after sex and
bruised your boob?
186
00:07:58,958 --> 00:08:01,859
No, I-I mean, when was the
last time you bought me flowers,
187
00:08:01,895 --> 00:08:03,695
or-or we had
a date night?
188
00:08:03,730 --> 00:08:05,029
We do stuff.
189
00:08:05,065 --> 00:08:06,864
Just last week, I let
you watch me complain
190
00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,733
after eating too
many hot wings.
191
00:08:08,768 --> 00:08:10,068
Ugh!
192
00:08:10,103 --> 00:08:12,737
Why did you let me
do this, Lois?!
193
00:08:12,772 --> 00:08:14,072
Why?!
194
00:08:14,107 --> 00:08:17,208
Okay, Peter, I got to take
the kids to school now.
195
00:08:21,881 --> 00:08:23,014
Hey, Chris,
196
00:08:23,049 --> 00:08:25,016
your mother wanted me
to talk to you.
197
00:08:25,051 --> 00:08:27,018
Um, she doesn't think
it's healthy for you
198
00:08:27,053 --> 00:08:29,353
to be spending all your time
with a homemade sex doll.
199
00:08:29,389 --> 00:08:30,389
Sex doll?
200
00:08:30,390 --> 00:08:31,689
I wish.
201
00:08:31,725 --> 00:08:33,691
Heather hasn't even let
me get to second base.
202
00:08:33,727 --> 00:08:34,859
Wh... H-Hang on.
203
00:08:34,894 --> 00:08:36,194
What's second base?
204
00:08:36,229 --> 00:08:38,029
Is that touching
one of the cabbages?
205
00:08:38,064 --> 00:08:39,530
Yeah.
206
00:08:39,566 --> 00:08:42,700
(groans) But I'm such a loser,
she'll never let me do that.
207
00:08:42,736 --> 00:08:44,869
Come on, Chris,
don't sell yourself short.
208
00:08:44,904 --> 00:08:47,305
You are every bit as good
as that bag of garbage.
209
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:48,473
You really think so?
210
00:08:48,508 --> 00:08:49,807
Sure, I do.
211
00:08:49,843 --> 00:08:52,477
And look, if you really want
to learn how to bang that thing,
212
00:08:52,512 --> 00:08:54,312
there's no better teacher
than your old dad.
213
00:08:54,347 --> 00:08:56,481
After all, I'm the guy
who taught old Asian people
214
00:08:56,516 --> 00:08:57,815
how to get
on the subway.
215
00:08:57,851 --> 00:09:00,151
(scream approaching)
216
00:09:00,186 --> 00:09:01,552
Out of the way!
217
00:09:01,588 --> 00:09:03,554
Nobody else matters!
218
00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:04,889
All right,
you made it.
219
00:09:04,924 --> 00:09:07,225
Now twirl that long hair
sticking out of your face mole.
220
00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:09,727
And cough-- cough like
you never coughed before.
221
00:09:09,763 --> 00:09:12,463
(coughing violently)
222
00:09:15,969 --> 00:09:19,103
Okay, Chris, now, women really
dig those firemen calendars.
223
00:09:19,139 --> 00:09:21,439
So we're gonna go inside
and get some sexy shots
224
00:09:21,474 --> 00:09:23,474
of you doing
fireman stuff.
225
00:09:23,510 --> 00:09:26,144
♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪
226
00:09:26,179 --> 00:09:28,479
♪ Check it and see ♪
227
00:09:28,515 --> 00:09:32,483
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
228
00:09:32,519 --> 00:09:33,985
♪ Come on, baby ♪
229
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,654
♪ Do you do more than dance? ♪
230
00:09:36,689 --> 00:09:39,690
♪ I'm hot blooded,
I'm hot blooded ♪
231
00:09:43,363 --> 00:09:45,830
♪ You don't have
to read my mind... ♪
232
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:49,867
(sighs)
Look, Heather.
233
00:09:49,903 --> 00:09:52,537
The truth is, I don't care
if we never take it
234
00:09:52,572 --> 00:09:54,205
to the next level,
physically.
235
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,908
I just really like
spending time with you.
236
00:10:00,079 --> 00:10:01,546
(chuckles)
Wow.
237
00:10:01,581 --> 00:10:04,615
I'm gonna have to write
to somebody about this.
238
00:10:04,651 --> 00:10:05,783
"Dear Penthouse,
239
00:10:05,819 --> 00:10:07,785
"I used to think
these letters were fake
240
00:10:07,821 --> 00:10:10,621
"until my taped-together,
soccer-ball-headed girlfriend
241
00:10:10,657 --> 00:10:12,123
fell in my lap."
242
00:10:12,158 --> 00:10:14,625
Hey, do we still have
a magazine?
243
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:21,999
Good morning, everybody.
244
00:10:22,035 --> 00:10:24,168
I think Heather will be
eating breakfast
245
00:10:24,204 --> 00:10:27,738
standing up this morning,
if you know what I mean.
246
00:10:27,774 --> 00:10:30,308
Peter, I thought you were
gonna take care of this.
247
00:10:30,343 --> 00:10:31,943
You were supposed to make
Chris get rid of that doll.
248
00:10:31,978 --> 00:10:33,945
I did take care of it.
249
00:10:33,980 --> 00:10:35,460
He slept with it,
and now he'll slowly
250
00:10:35,481 --> 00:10:37,448
grow to hate it
over the next 20 years.
251
00:10:37,483 --> 00:10:38,616
This is all your fault.
252
00:10:38,651 --> 00:10:40,418
You never listen
to anything I say.
253
00:10:40,453 --> 00:10:41,819
Look, you told me
to talk to him.
254
00:10:41,855 --> 00:10:42,855
I talked to him.
255
00:10:42,889 --> 00:10:44,288
And now you're
nagging me about it?
256
00:10:44,324 --> 00:10:47,592
God, you're more annoying than
a creative voice mail message.
257
00:10:49,729 --> 00:10:53,664
JOE: ♪ Joe is on a vacation
far away ♪
258
00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:57,568
♪ You called him up
to talk it over ♪
259
00:10:57,604 --> 00:11:01,505
♪ So many things
that you want to say ♪
260
00:11:01,541 --> 00:11:05,343
♪ Leave your message
when the beep is over ♪
261
00:11:05,378 --> 00:11:07,578
♪ I don't want
to miss your call ♪
262
00:11:07,614 --> 00:11:09,614
♪ Tonight ♪
263
00:11:12,185 --> 00:11:16,087
♪ I already missed
your call tonight. ♪
264
00:11:16,122 --> 00:11:18,089
(beeps)
265
00:11:18,124 --> 00:11:20,091
I... I can't remember
266
00:11:20,126 --> 00:11:22,126
who I called.
267
00:11:25,765 --> 00:11:27,231
Oh, Lois, thank God!
268
00:11:27,267 --> 00:11:29,767
Listen, I can't decide what
I want for breakfast tomorrow.
269
00:11:29,802 --> 00:11:31,369
Can you make me a sample tray?
270
00:11:31,404 --> 00:11:32,470
You know what, Peter?
271
00:11:32,505 --> 00:11:33,704
I'm not talking
to you right now.
272
00:11:33,740 --> 00:11:35,206
You screwed up
bad with Chris.
273
00:11:35,241 --> 00:11:36,607
And you still
haven't apologized
274
00:11:36,643 --> 00:11:38,109
for the way you
treated me earlier.
275
00:11:38,144 --> 00:11:40,344
Aw, come on, Lois.
I'll make it up to you.
276
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:42,146
Maybe sooner than you know.
277
00:11:42,181 --> 00:11:43,447
(doorbell rings)
278
00:11:45,218 --> 00:11:46,617
Oh, Peter!
279
00:11:46,653 --> 00:11:48,185
They're beautiful!
280
00:11:48,221 --> 00:11:50,288
You're such a sweetheart.
281
00:11:50,323 --> 00:11:51,489
Read the card.
282
00:11:51,524 --> 00:11:53,891
"To Heather, from Chris"?
283
00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:56,627
Oh, I thought it might
have a funny riddle on it.
284
00:11:56,663 --> 00:11:58,829
Oh, good, the flowers came!
285
00:11:58,865 --> 00:12:01,165
We're just cocooning today
because Heather said
286
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,600
she's never seen TV.
287
00:12:02,635 --> 00:12:05,369
So, we're starting with
season six of Becker.
288
00:12:05,405 --> 00:12:08,806
I'm just gonna be
easing her in.
289
00:12:08,841 --> 00:12:10,141
Lois, before you say anything.
290
00:12:10,176 --> 00:12:12,810
I also got you a gift.
291
00:12:12,845 --> 00:12:15,446
It's a Katherine Heigl mask for
you to wear while we have sex.
292
00:12:15,481 --> 00:12:17,748
She's perfect, because
she's only sort of hot,
293
00:12:17,784 --> 00:12:19,850
so there won't be this crazy
disconnect of her face
294
00:12:19,886 --> 00:12:22,386
on your body, which would
totally take me out of it.
295
00:12:22,422 --> 00:12:25,089
Also, it's designed so you
can wear it on your butt.
296
00:12:25,124 --> 00:12:27,158
Heather, I made
your favorite cookies.
297
00:12:27,193 --> 00:12:29,927
And now I want to hear
all about your day.
298
00:12:29,963 --> 00:12:33,664
Hey, Lois, I heard Katherine
Heigl likes to French kiss.
299
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:36,033
Oh, my God!
300
00:12:36,069 --> 00:12:40,004
Chris treats that pile of junk
better than Peter treats me!
301
00:12:40,039 --> 00:12:41,605
What's the matter, Lois?
Need to get in the mood?
302
00:12:41,641 --> 00:12:45,242
How about a little
help from Kenny G?
303
00:12:45,278 --> 00:12:47,278
♪ ♪
304
00:12:58,858 --> 00:13:02,126
I wonder if Cleveland's
gonna want his sax back.
305
00:13:07,528 --> 00:13:08,660
Oh, hi, Chris.
306
00:13:08,696 --> 00:13:09,862
Where have you been?
307
00:13:09,897 --> 00:13:11,864
Heather and I went
for a tandem bike ride.
308
00:13:11,899 --> 00:13:13,932
And then had lunch
at a gastropube.
309
00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:15,400
Nope.
310
00:13:15,436 --> 00:13:16,869
Huh. Sounds like fun.
311
00:13:16,904 --> 00:13:18,570
What have you guys been up to?
312
00:13:18,606 --> 00:13:21,373
Your father got a DVD of black
people fighting in the street.
313
00:13:21,408 --> 00:13:22,841
It's not just
in the street.
314
00:13:22,877 --> 00:13:24,910
Some of them are in
private residences.
315
00:13:24,945 --> 00:13:27,846
Oh. Well, tomorrow, Heather
and I are going to the park
316
00:13:27,882 --> 00:13:29,515
to picnic and fly kites.
317
00:13:29,550 --> 00:13:31,783
And on Saturday,
she's hosting her book club,
318
00:13:31,819 --> 00:13:33,819
so I have to drop by,
say something funny,
319
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:35,787
and then stay upstairs.
320
00:13:35,823 --> 00:13:38,624
Wow, your plans sound
very sweet and romantic, Chris.
321
00:13:38,659 --> 00:13:41,026
And how a man
should treat his woman.
322
00:13:41,061 --> 00:13:42,581
Oh, Lois, your breath
smells like eggs.
323
00:13:42,596 --> 00:13:45,464
Talk that way.
324
00:13:45,499 --> 00:13:47,633
Chris, when you go on your
picnic tomorrow,
325
00:13:47,668 --> 00:13:50,402
c-can your father
and I come with you?
326
00:13:50,437 --> 00:13:52,471
Let me just ask Heather.
327
00:13:52,506 --> 00:13:54,773
I know, but I think we better.
328
00:13:54,808 --> 00:13:57,075
Apparently the cancer's
already in his bones.
329
00:13:57,111 --> 00:13:59,578
What?
We'd love to, sounds great!
330
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,080
What are you doing?
You can't let him
331
00:14:02,116 --> 00:14:03,849
keep thinking
that doll is real.
332
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,285
I know. But I just
want Peter to see
333
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,320
what a thoughtful man looks
like for one afternoon.
334
00:14:08,322 --> 00:14:10,789
Maybe he'll learn something.
335
00:14:10,824 --> 00:14:12,057
Are you sure about this?
336
00:14:12,092 --> 00:14:13,492
It seems pretty extreme.
337
00:14:13,527 --> 00:14:15,060
Well, I got to try something.
338
00:14:15,095 --> 00:14:16,762
Peter and I used
to be so close.
339
00:14:16,797 --> 00:14:19,364
But now we're like
apples and oranges.
340
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,934
People say we're different, but
we're really not that different.
341
00:14:21,969 --> 00:14:23,769
Mm-hmm, yeah, we
both work in marketing.
342
00:14:23,804 --> 00:14:25,204
We've both lost children.
343
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:27,306
We both own cars, but
we like to take the bus.
344
00:14:27,341 --> 00:14:29,074
And we both cheat
at Words With Friends.
345
00:14:29,109 --> 00:14:30,409
Oh, nice try!
346
00:14:30,444 --> 00:14:31,577
I certainly do not!
347
00:14:31,612 --> 00:14:33,478
And we're both gonna
have a moderate time
348
00:14:33,514 --> 00:14:34,813
at the party tonight.
349
00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:36,548
And we're not gonna count
each other's drinks.
350
00:14:36,584 --> 00:14:39,985
We won't have to
because we won't be drinking.
351
00:14:44,024 --> 00:14:47,492
Wow, it sure is fun going
on a picnic, isn't it, Peter?
352
00:14:47,528 --> 00:14:48,827
Yeah. Will you hold
this beer bottle
353
00:14:48,862 --> 00:14:51,163
while I try to kick
the top off it?
354
00:14:51,198 --> 00:14:52,264
Ow! Damn it!
355
00:14:52,299 --> 00:14:53,732
You moved it.
356
00:14:55,069 --> 00:14:58,070
♪ Raindrops are falling
on my head ♪
357
00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,872
♪ And just like
the guy whose feet ♪
358
00:15:00,908 --> 00:15:04,576
♪ Are too big for his bed ♪
359
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,578
♪ Nothing seems to fit ♪
360
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:09,348
♪ Those raindrops are falling
on my head ♪
361
00:15:09,383 --> 00:15:12,551
♪ They keep falling ♪
362
00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:16,154
♪ Because I'm free ♪
363
00:15:16,190 --> 00:15:19,758
♪ Nothing's worrying ♪
364
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:22,794
♪ Me. ♪
365
00:15:24,732 --> 00:15:25,864
Close your eyes, Heather.
366
00:15:25,899 --> 00:15:27,866
I've got a surprise for you.
367
00:15:27,901 --> 00:15:30,969
None of your business
how much it was.
368
00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:32,504
He bought her a scarf.
369
00:15:32,539 --> 00:15:34,339
And it actually goes well
with her colors.
370
00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:36,541
Peter, don't you see
what's going on here?!
371
00:15:36,577 --> 00:15:38,477
Your son's relationship
with that doll
372
00:15:38,512 --> 00:15:40,445
is better than our own marriage!
373
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,281
Peter?
374
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:45,584
Hey, can me and Ramon
go ride shirtless bikes?
375
00:15:45,619 --> 00:15:46,952
(sighs)
376
00:15:57,831 --> 00:15:59,598
(hinges creaking)
377
00:16:09,610 --> 00:16:10,676
(screams)
378
00:16:10,711 --> 00:16:12,377
My morning scream.
379
00:16:12,413 --> 00:16:13,645
(sighs)
380
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:14,846
(screams)
381
00:16:14,882 --> 00:16:16,815
Heather's gone!
382
00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,717
Mom! Heather's disappeared!
383
00:16:18,752 --> 00:16:20,085
Have you seen her?!
384
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,720
No, I haven't, sweetheart.
385
00:16:21,755 --> 00:16:22,921
B-But you know what?
386
00:16:22,956 --> 00:16:25,657
Sometimes relationships
run their course
387
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:27,626
and come to a natural end.
388
00:16:27,661 --> 00:16:30,429
This could be a sign
that it's time to move on.
389
00:16:30,464 --> 00:16:32,964
Aw, and I just helped him
pick out that scarf.
390
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,599
I miss her so much.
391
00:16:34,635 --> 00:16:35,934
I know, honey.
392
00:16:35,969 --> 00:16:37,736
But if you give it
a little time,
393
00:16:37,771 --> 00:16:39,404
I'm sure you'll get over her.
394
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,874
Just like you got over your
Hamster Dance Tourette Syndrome.
395
00:16:42,910 --> 00:16:44,776
Excuse me, Mom,
could you please pass the...
396
00:16:44,812 --> 00:16:46,812
♪ Dee dah Dee dah
Dee deh doh doh ♪
397
00:16:46,847 --> 00:16:48,680
♪ Dee dah Dee dah doh ♪
398
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,476
♪ Doo doo doo doo doodle
loodle doo dah doo ♪
399
00:16:50,484 --> 00:16:53,652
♪ Doo dah doodle doo
dah doodle doh doh. ♪
400
00:16:53,687 --> 00:16:56,521
His brain ain't right,
but it's fun.
401
00:17:00,427 --> 00:17:02,427
(crying)
402
00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:07,332
Hey, Chris.
403
00:17:07,368 --> 00:17:08,867
I-I see you're sad.
404
00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:10,569
And also sitting
on the remote.
405
00:17:10,604 --> 00:17:13,071
Why did Heather leave me?!
406
00:17:13,107 --> 00:17:15,741
I don't know, but sometimes
when life's got you down,
407
00:17:15,776 --> 00:17:18,009
you-you got to stand
up for a second.
408
00:17:18,045 --> 00:17:19,344
Like-like, just for a second.
409
00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:21,947
I've never felt this sad!
410
00:17:21,982 --> 00:17:24,683
Aw, looks like somebody
could use a hug.
411
00:17:24,718 --> 00:17:26,718
(crying)
412
00:17:30,124 --> 00:17:31,256
Here we go.
413
00:17:31,291 --> 00:17:32,691
Oh, no, I hit input!
414
00:17:32,726 --> 00:17:34,426
Oh, no! Oh, God!
415
00:17:34,461 --> 00:17:35,794
We may have to throw
away the television.
416
00:17:35,829 --> 00:17:37,729
What should I do, Dad?
417
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,297
I don't know. Hey, where's
that girlfriend of yours?
418
00:17:39,333 --> 00:17:41,299
She seems cool.
419
00:17:41,335 --> 00:17:42,801
(crying)
420
00:17:43,871 --> 00:17:45,237
(crying)
421
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:49,007
This day has Haagen-Dazs
written all over it.
422
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,944
(crying)
423
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:54,379
Boy, he's really upset.
424
00:17:54,415 --> 00:17:55,680
(groans) I can't
deal with anything
425
00:17:55,716 --> 00:17:57,249
until I've had my
after-nap coffee.
426
00:17:57,284 --> 00:17:59,918
(slurping)
427
00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:02,687
I don't think guys should have
two hands on a coffee mug ever.
428
00:18:02,723 --> 00:18:04,723
What?
429
00:18:04,758 --> 00:18:06,391
Mmm, oh, yummy.
430
00:18:06,427 --> 00:18:07,726
Don't do that, either.
431
00:18:07,761 --> 00:18:09,895
J-Just-just don't do anything.
432
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,434
(sighs)
433
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:17,769
Hey, Chris.
434
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,272
I see you turned your hat around
so you can really get in there.
435
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,307
Oh, what do you care?
436
00:18:22,342 --> 00:18:24,342
What does anybody care?
437
00:18:24,378 --> 00:18:25,710
Why don't you come with me?
438
00:18:25,746 --> 00:18:27,612
I-I've got something
to show you.
439
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,581
If it's the shot from Psycho
where you can see
440
00:18:29,616 --> 00:18:32,417
Anne Heche's bunghole,
I've already seen it.
441
00:18:32,453 --> 00:18:34,319
No, Chris, it's
something else.
442
00:18:34,354 --> 00:18:36,988
Come on.
443
00:18:50,804 --> 00:18:53,572
Heather? Oh, my God!
444
00:18:53,607 --> 00:18:54,706
I'm sorry, Chris.
445
00:18:54,741 --> 00:18:57,175
You-you did this?
446
00:18:57,211 --> 00:18:58,543
I did.
447
00:18:58,579 --> 00:19:01,146
I took your doll
because it's not a natural
448
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,815
or healthy thing for a boy
your age to have.
449
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:06,051
It looks like
you stabbed her.
450
00:19:06,086 --> 00:19:08,420
Like, 50 times.
451
00:19:08,455 --> 00:19:11,656
I was kind of jealous of it, so
I guess I went a little crazy.
452
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,125
Also, her lipstick
is all smeared.
453
00:19:14,161 --> 00:19:16,828
I was having a lot
of strange feelings!
454
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,865
Look, Chris, I'm sorry.
You can have Heather back.
455
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:22,467
But I just want you to know,
if you ever treat a real woman
456
00:19:22,503 --> 00:19:24,402
the way you treat that doll,
457
00:19:24,438 --> 00:19:27,272
you're gonna make her
very happy.
458
00:19:27,307 --> 00:19:28,473
Really?
459
00:19:28,509 --> 00:19:29,774
Absolutely.
460
00:19:29,810 --> 00:19:32,978
And I know she'll make you
very happy, too.
461
00:19:33,013 --> 00:19:35,413
You know... I don't think
462
00:19:35,449 --> 00:19:37,782
I need Heather anymore.
463
00:19:37,818 --> 00:19:39,451
You don't?
No.
464
00:19:39,486 --> 00:19:41,152
I'm glad to hear
that, Chris.
465
00:19:41,188 --> 00:19:43,522
Seems like maybe
you're growing up.
466
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,190
Maybe.
467
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:46,865
I guess there's just
one thing left to do.
468
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:47,926
What's that?
469
00:19:47,961 --> 00:19:49,027
Give me that knife.
470
00:19:49,062 --> 00:19:50,195
I got to cut out the baby.
471
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:51,230
Oh, my God!
472
00:19:51,265 --> 00:19:53,098
It's made of Skittles.
473
00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:55,834
You want to eat the baby
together on the way home?
474
00:19:55,869 --> 00:19:59,371
Yeah, I'd like that, Chris.
475
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,822
You know, Lois, I've been
thinking about what you said.
476
00:20:17,858 --> 00:20:19,958
And I did learn
a little something
477
00:20:19,993 --> 00:20:21,927
from watching
Chris and Heather.
478
00:20:21,962 --> 00:20:23,295
You did?
Yeah.
479
00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:25,063
From now on, I am gonna be
480
00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:27,866
treating you like garbage.
481
00:20:27,901 --> 00:20:30,001
Oh, Peter. Thank you.
482
00:20:30,037 --> 00:20:31,970
I love you, Lois.
483
00:20:32,005 --> 00:20:33,405
CHRIS:
Mom? Dad?
484
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,441
I want you to meet
my new girlfriend!
485
00:20:36,476 --> 00:20:38,009
This is Mistress Vita.
486
00:20:38,045 --> 00:20:39,711
We met on Craigslist.
487
00:20:39,746 --> 00:20:42,380
No talking unless I say!
488
00:20:42,416 --> 00:20:44,249
Hi, Peter.
489
00:20:44,991 --> 00:20:46,451
How'd she know your name?
490
00:20:46,452 --> 00:20:50,744
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
491
00:20:50,745 --> 00:20:52,711
Peter, are-are you just
trying to take a knee
492
00:20:52,746 --> 00:20:55,313
until the end of the show?
493
00:20:55,348 --> 00:20:57,482
Peter, that's not gonna work.
You can't just...