1
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_
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Mmm.
3
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Hey, Marsh, why the long, freckled face?
4
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Did you lose your secular
purity ring?
5
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- Nope, still got it.
- Mm, I'm so jealous of your virginity.
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I totally want to make out with it.
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Hey, quit it! That tickles.
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- Hey!
- Mom, I wish I had your butt.
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Oh, and you should totally
borrow my white hooker pumps.
10
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Where is dad taking you?
So jealous. Not really.
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Okay, gotta go. Love you, bye!
12
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So how's your mom, Amber?
You two do it yet?
13
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Don't be gross, Brad!
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Two girls can be B.F.F.s
without lesboing it up.
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Besides, my mom is totally into my dad.
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I know that for a fact because
my mom tells me everything!
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- Oooh, this dad guy sounds hot.
- Cool it, Cassandra.
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My dad's a catch who's
already been caught.
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Oh hey, gang, sorry I'm late.
Anybody seen Brad?
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♪ Well, I can't wait till I get old ♪
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♪ and my memories start to unfold ♪
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♪ about High School U.S.A. ♪
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♪ these are the good old days ♪
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♪ my obituary will relay ♪
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♪ all my fun times here at
High School U.S.A. ♪
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Now let's get ready to
rumble into learning!
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Em-ployment.
A great thing,
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but let's be honest,
it's a scarce thing.
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The job market is terrible!
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But that shouldn't worry
you, because even though
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it only takes two little
letters to go from "employment"
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to... Uh-oh!
"Unemployment"...
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It also only takes one letter
to make unemployment...
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Bah-dah-dah-dah-dah...
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Funemployment!
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You see? Isn't it great that
a little letter like an "F"
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can make all the difference?
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"F-word."
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What a school, what a country!
Yes, I taught a class!
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- See ya, Amber.
- Bye, Amber!
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- Hey, deuces, Amber.
- Bye, Amber.
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- Say hi to your mom for me.
- Bye, Marsh,
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Cassandra, Brad, Blackstein.
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00:02:07,020 --> 00:02:09,688
Anyway, mom, I met the
cutest guy in P.E. today.
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No way. I am so jealous.
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Not really!
Totally into your dad lately.
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He is so lucky to have you.
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Oh, he's lucky and he knows it.
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And P.S.: That's where
my blue sweater went!
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Uh, don't change the subject!
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- Hi.
- Hi!
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Anyway, I won't be home for dinner.
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I'm going to the diner with the gang.
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Okay, better get in the shower.
Bye, bestie, love you!
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Love you!
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See you, dad.
I'm off to the diner
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- to meet the gang.
- Not so fast, young man.
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Do you see what condition
this bed sheet is in?
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Yeah, it's stained...
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- with poo.
- My poo.
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- Do you have any idea why?
- Nope, but I'd love to find out.
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Because ever since your mom left us,
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I've been trying to
get back into the game.
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You know what game I'm
talking about, Marsh?
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- No idea, sir.
- The game.
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And it's not easy.
I mean, look at me.
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I'm bald, I'm nervous,
I'm overweight.
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And that's left me more than
a little unsure of myself.
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So what do I do?
I swipe my own son's diet shakes
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and then it only serves me
right that it violently alienates
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my bowels and causes me to
diarrhea all over the place!
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Aw, dad, don't be so hard on yourself.
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- It's a-okay.
- It's not a-okay.
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You have to know that
even dads make mistakes,
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that even dads are underwhelming.
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Now would you mind dropping
this off at the cleaner's on
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your way to the diner?
All right, have a good time, kiddo.
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♪ Showering up to go
to the diner with the gang. ♪
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Aha! Caught you!
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Shhh!
Look what's on Perversion.live.
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I know what that is, you little brat.
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But you're not supposed
to be seeing this yet.
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- You're only seven.
- I don't think you really know what this is.
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00:03:55,228 --> 00:03:58,931
Oh really? Mr. Worldly here is going
to show me something I don't know.
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- I'm so sure.
- I sure am! Wait right here.
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Hmm, that is pretty hot.
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Yeah, whip her!
Spit on that slut!
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Yeah, obviously do that to her.
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Hey, mom, what's for dinner?
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Wally, didn't you see
the tie on the door?
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00:04:15,682 --> 00:04:17,529
What happened to knocking, young man?
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Sorry, dad.
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00:04:19,185 --> 00:04:20,853
Hi, Amber!
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Can you believe my mom doing all that
dirty, kinky stuff on the internet
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00:04:26,759 --> 00:04:28,560
and not telling me all
the perverted details?
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Maybe she just forgot to tell you
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that your dad was whipping
her and spitting in her face.
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00:04:33,299 --> 00:04:35,067
Marsh, you're so gullible.
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00:04:35,135 --> 00:04:37,069
Best friends just don't
forget juicy gossip like that.
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00:04:37,137 --> 00:04:39,338
Unless of course she's not
really your best friend,
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00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:41,206
which would make me
your best friend.
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00:04:41,274 --> 00:04:43,775
- Oh my god, this is really exciting.
- Ugh!
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- Hey!
- Obviously my mom is too busy
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being uninterested unwilling and
uncharacteristically secretive
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about telling her best friend
the biggest news of the week.
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00:04:52,619 --> 00:04:55,487
Hey look, Amber, you can
apply what we learned in class
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00:04:55,555 --> 00:04:57,990
today to all these things
you said your mom was.
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00:04:58,057 --> 00:05:00,726
See, now she's
funinterested, funwilling and
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00:05:00,727 --> 00:05:03,395
funcharacteristically secretive
about telling you things.
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00:05:03,463 --> 00:05:05,330
So you don't have to
be unhappy about it.
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Yeah, you can be funhappy about it.
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- Blackstein's got the idea.
- Hooray!
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This is so not fair.
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My mom is way not really my friend.
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And if my best friend
isn't really my friend,
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00:05:17,210 --> 00:05:19,945
how can I expect my regular
friends to be my friends?
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Like all of you guys.
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Oh my god, my own gang!
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You aren't even really my friends!
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My best friend! Wait!
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Aw, let her go.
More truffle caviar fries for us.
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This is no time for empty calories, Brad.
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Amber's really upset.
Somehow we need to get Amber
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back to being best friends with her mom
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or she'll never be our
regular friend again.
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And then
what will happen to the gang?
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- Hello? - Hey, Mrs. Lamber,
it's me, Marsh Merriwether.
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- The leader of the gang.
- Right on, what's up?
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Amber missed band practice today.
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And I don't want to butt my
nose in where it doesn't belong,
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00:05:59,584 --> 00:06:03,277
- but is she okay?
- Well, to be honest I haven't been
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00:06:03,312 --> 00:06:05,756
in touch with her for hours.
I'm really worried.
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00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:08,192
I mean we were going to get
Brazilians together and everything.
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She loves getting waxed.
Where do you think she is?
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00:06:10,695 --> 00:06:13,230
Oh, she's right here. But she
just won't answer her cell.
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We've never gone this
long without talking.
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00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:17,735
I think she's really mad at me.
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Yeah, she's kinda hurt
that you didn't involve her
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00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,306
in the kinky sex with Mr. Lamber.
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00:06:22,373 --> 00:06:24,908
I know
and I'm really bummed about it.
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00:06:24,976 --> 00:06:26,543
But I'm also her mother and junk.
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00:06:26,611 --> 00:06:28,378
Well, I've been thinking about all this
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00:06:28,446 --> 00:06:30,547
and it seems like there
may be an easy solution
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00:06:30,615 --> 00:06:32,516
to get her to participate
in everything you do.
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00:06:32,584 --> 00:06:34,451
Good, 'cause you know she
can't just come in the room
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00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:37,221
and have sex with her dad.
That's even weird for me.
147
00:06:37,288 --> 00:06:39,022
Oh, you're right!
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00:06:39,090 --> 00:06:41,191
I guess I'll have to think
of something else then.
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00:06:41,259 --> 00:06:42,793
I hope.
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00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:44,628
Oh, think think.
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00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,101
- Hello, Marsh.
- Oh, hey, Officer Dumphy.
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00:06:51,169 --> 00:06:53,537
Oh, is something wrong?
153
00:06:53,605 --> 00:06:55,873
Amber caught her parents
having weird sex on the internet
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- And now she won't talk to any of us.
- Bah!
155
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All these new-fangled sex sites.
156
00:07:00,578 --> 00:07:03,514
Live this, amateur that!
157
00:07:03,581 --> 00:07:06,350
Why, way back in the
day when I was hornier,
158
00:07:06,417 --> 00:07:08,452
only professional craftsmen were allowed
159
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,388
to legitimately get
people's nuts off.
160
00:07:11,456 --> 00:07:12,990
What was different
all the way back then?
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00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:16,093
Oh, it was a sight to see, my boy.
162
00:07:16,161 --> 00:07:20,564
You had whole crews working
together in joy and harmony.
163
00:07:20,632 --> 00:07:22,232
- Neat.
- You bet it was neat.
164
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:26,051
Why, to see all those people
collaborate like that...
165
00:07:26,119 --> 00:07:28,354
writers, directors, fluffers...
166
00:07:28,421 --> 00:07:32,558
and the most important aspect
of any good stag film...
167
00:07:32,625 --> 00:07:35,160
...the meatball screw-up guy.
168
00:07:35,228 --> 00:07:37,529
Who got laid in spite of himself.
169
00:07:37,597 --> 00:07:39,932
Why was he so important?
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00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,202
Well, he represented all of us, Marsh.
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00:07:43,269 --> 00:07:45,437
He was someone we could relate to.
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A palate cleanser to
get the bitter taste
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00:07:48,241 --> 00:07:50,609
of the well-hung stud
out of your mouth.
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Yuck...
Mmm.
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00:07:53,313 --> 00:07:54,813
Thanks, Officer Dumphy.
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00:07:54,881 --> 00:07:56,582
You just gave me a great idea.
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00:07:56,649 --> 00:07:58,751
Ho ho, glad I could help, Marsh.
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00:08:00,754 --> 00:08:04,023
♪ Somebody helped Marsh today ♪
♪ it was me... ♪
179
00:08:09,529 --> 00:08:11,430
- Hey, Amber!
- I can't believe this!
180
00:08:11,498 --> 00:08:14,634
My mom, my dad, my
ex-gang, how can you get
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00:08:14,635 --> 00:08:17,770
together when I am mad
at all of you?
182
00:08:20,607 --> 00:08:23,142
Go away... mom!
183
00:08:27,347 --> 00:08:30,549
Mrs. Lamber, do you have
something to say to Amber?
184
00:08:30,617 --> 00:08:32,902
Amber, I used to think
there were some things that I
185
00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:35,187
shouldn't tell you because if
I crossed certain boundaries,
186
00:08:35,255 --> 00:08:37,256
you wouldn't see me as
a role model anymore.
187
00:08:37,323 --> 00:08:39,525
But thanks to Marsh,
188
00:08:39,592 --> 00:08:42,261
I understand that it is more important
189
00:08:42,328 --> 00:08:45,030
to be your friend than your parent.
190
00:08:45,098 --> 00:08:48,400
Now, Amber, do you have something
you want to say to Mrs. Lamber?
191
00:08:51,571 --> 00:08:53,372
Hello?
192
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,375
I'm... so sorry.
193
00:08:56,443 --> 00:09:00,479
- No, I'm sorry!
- No, I'm sorry.
194
00:09:03,850 --> 00:09:05,951
Now let's make a porno!
195
00:09:06,019 --> 00:09:07,853
Okay, we're five away
from rolling, everyone.
196
00:09:07,921 --> 00:09:11,757
Brad, get a reflector and light
on my mom's absolutely perfect ass.
197
00:09:11,825 --> 00:09:13,519
- Check.
- Cassandra, we need
198
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,214
some makeup on those testicles.
199
00:09:15,249 --> 00:09:17,229
- Duh.
- Blackstein, finish fluffing my dad.
200
00:09:17,297 --> 00:09:19,499
- Already on it, boss.
- Marsh, get ready to cue
201
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,800
- the bumbling pizza man.
- You got it, chief.
202
00:09:21,868 --> 00:09:25,370
- Okay, dad, this is your big scene.
- Well, I hope I have it in me, bud.
203
00:09:25,438 --> 00:09:27,306
Wouldn't want to let you down yet again.
204
00:09:27,373 --> 00:09:29,775
But this one's right in your wheelhouse.
205
00:09:29,843 --> 00:09:31,643
All you have to do is deliver the pizza,
206
00:09:31,711 --> 00:09:34,546
get into the bed and have
sex with Amber's parents.
207
00:09:34,614 --> 00:09:38,450
I don't know, it's been a long
time since I've even had sex.
208
00:09:38,518 --> 00:09:41,854
What if I do it wrong? What
if my flabby body shuts down?
209
00:09:41,921 --> 00:09:43,622
What if...
You know...
210
00:09:43,690 --> 00:09:46,258
Did you get a look at
those nice clean sheets?
211
00:09:46,326 --> 00:09:49,027
You'll be perfect, dad.
And as for those clean sheets,
212
00:09:49,095 --> 00:09:50,762
well, read it for yourself.
213
00:09:50,830 --> 00:09:53,432
"And then the bumbling pizza man
214
00:09:53,500 --> 00:09:57,870
accidentally soils the bed...
with poo."
215
00:09:57,937 --> 00:10:00,239
- Your poo.
- You wrote that in?
216
00:10:00,306 --> 00:10:03,475
- For me?
- You're the everyman, dad.
217
00:10:03,543 --> 00:10:05,511
You are who we all relate to.
218
00:10:05,578 --> 00:10:09,214
Now go and bumble your
way into imperfect glory.
219
00:10:09,282 --> 00:10:11,483
All right, quiet on set.
220
00:10:11,551 --> 00:10:14,186
God, I've got the best son in the world.
221
00:10:14,254 --> 00:10:15,587
Get over here, you!
222
00:10:15,655 --> 00:10:17,990
And action!
223
00:10:23,554 --> 00:10:25,614
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