1
00:00:01,060 --> 00:00:03,160
Okay. Found you.
Oh!
2
00:00:03,250 --> 00:00:04,770
I do have an open seat
in first class,
3
00:00:04,870 --> 00:00:06,380
if one of you would like
a free upgrade.
4
00:00:06,470 --> 00:00:08,120
No, thank you.
I think we'll sit together.
5
00:00:08,230 --> 00:00:10,030
After the amazing weekend
we just had--
6
00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:11,170
I'll take it.
7
00:00:12,190 --> 00:00:13,620
Claire:
I deserved that seat.
8
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,300
Three days in the woods with
Phil's ex-cheerleader buddies--
9
00:00:16,390 --> 00:00:19,130
the old stories,
the spontaneous human pyramids,
10
00:00:19,230 --> 00:00:21,900
constantly updating
their tumbler Tumblr--
11
00:00:22,030 --> 00:00:24,110
I smiled through
the whole thing.
12
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,760
Problem is I was so convincing,
13
00:00:25,850 --> 00:00:28,280
Phil thought I was having
a great time.
14
00:00:28,370 --> 00:00:30,760
What do I want?
Some credit.
15
00:00:30,860 --> 00:00:32,840
When do I want it?
Now.
16
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:34,960
Hi.
17
00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:36,640
Hey.
18
00:00:37,770 --> 00:00:39,000
[ Sighs ]
19
00:00:39,550 --> 00:00:41,080
I'm sorry if I smell
like a campfire.
20
00:00:41,210 --> 00:00:42,580
I've been in the woods
for three days.
21
00:00:42,690 --> 00:00:43,880
I hate camping.
22
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:45,680
If I'm ever
in the woods for three days,
23
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,430
it means I've been dead
for two of them.
24
00:00:47,510 --> 00:00:48,830
[ Laughs ]
25
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,370
Wow.
26
00:00:50,590 --> 00:00:52,100
It feels good
to laugh for real.
27
00:00:52,190 --> 00:00:53,440
- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Sighs ]
28
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,000
You look like you need a drink.
29
00:00:55,090 --> 00:00:56,500
Hon?
30
00:00:57,250 --> 00:00:59,260
Two Chardonnays and a hot towel
for my friend.
31
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,440
Right away.
32
00:01:01,370 --> 00:01:03,090
I love you, beautiful stranger.
33
00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:05,320
[ Baby crying ]
34
00:01:05,380 --> 00:01:06,910
Phil: I have to admit,
I was a little miffed
35
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,010
that Claire grabbed
the good seat,
36
00:01:08,070 --> 00:01:10,000
especially after I gave her
such a magical weekend,
37
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,190
but I was determined
to stay positive.
38
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:13,330
And then it hit me.
39
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:28,640
Everybody, Sal's here.
40
00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:29,540
- Okay. All right.
Man: - Oh, oh.
41
00:01:29,650 --> 00:01:30,810
Is this straight?
42
00:01:30,900 --> 00:01:32,000
You're throwing a baby shower
43
00:01:32,090 --> 00:01:33,690
with a dozen men
in tailored pants
44
00:01:33,780 --> 00:01:34,890
sipping Bellinis.
45
00:01:34,980 --> 00:01:37,360
Nothing about this is--
Ugh, I can't even finish.
46
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,020
Really?
The last word was too much?
47
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,450
So, we decided
to get the gang together
48
00:01:41,550 --> 00:01:44,170
to throw our friend Sal
a belated baby shower.
49
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,620
She's been a little
hard to pin down lately,
50
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,210
but we knew she'd never
miss the chance
51
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,310
to shower with a bunch of men.
52
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,130
You love that joke, don't you?
53
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,810
Well, because it's two different
kinds of showers.
54
00:01:54,890 --> 00:01:56,280
- Mmhmm.
- [ Laughs ]
55
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,160
This is Little Sammy.
56
00:01:58,290 --> 00:01:59,500
[ Men awwing ]
57
00:01:59,590 --> 00:02:00,360
This is as long
58
00:02:00,460 --> 00:02:01,890
as you've ever been in our house
without a cocktail.
59
00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:03,910
No, thank you.
Just a water, please.
60
00:02:04,010 --> 00:02:04,880
[ All gasp ]
61
00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:06,880
Okay, everybody,
drop your pearls.
62
00:02:06,970 --> 00:02:08,250
I'm still breastfeeding.
63
00:02:08,340 --> 00:02:09,950
All the books say,
"Do it at least a year."
64
00:02:10,050 --> 00:02:11,420
- Jotham, drink this.
- I can't.
65
00:02:11,510 --> 00:02:13,010
I'm leaving early
to go to a hockey game.
66
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,260
Kings versus Blackhawks.
67
00:02:14,410 --> 00:02:15,370
Wow.
68
00:02:15,530 --> 00:02:17,230
They can call a team that?
69
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,190
Black hawks.
70
00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:20,120
Oh.
71
00:02:20,210 --> 00:02:21,280
I've got to put this
in the kitchen.
72
00:02:21,370 --> 00:02:22,410
I make all my own baby food.
73
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:24,020
It's all-natural,
no chemicals.
74
00:02:24,150 --> 00:02:25,600
Uh, who is this woman?
75
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,800
She's not drinking,
she's making her own baby food.
76
00:02:27,890 --> 00:02:29,480
Does Lily have
any other plates?
77
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,200
I don't let Sammy eat
off this plastic.
78
00:02:31,290 --> 00:02:32,270
Uh, yeah, the far cabinet.
79
00:02:32,370 --> 00:02:33,500
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, thanks.
80
00:02:33,590 --> 00:02:34,640
Okay.
None of this makes sense.
81
00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:35,330
I know.
82
00:02:35,430 --> 00:02:36,330
How does she breastfeed him
83
00:02:36,420 --> 00:02:38,100
if she doesn't let him
near plastic?
84
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,890
Mom, do I have a fever?
85
00:02:40,970 --> 00:02:43,290
Ay, let me check.
86
00:02:45,010 --> 00:02:46,610
You know,
we have a thermometer.
87
00:02:47,020 --> 00:02:49,380
Do you have to be so white
all the time?
88
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,210
Oh, baby, go lay down.
89
00:02:53,660 --> 00:02:56,250
You're such a brave,
little boy!
90
00:02:56,450 --> 00:02:57,360
He's faking it.
91
00:02:57,450 --> 00:02:58,500
He's pretending to be sick
92
00:02:58,580 --> 00:03:00,530
so he doesn't have to go
to his cooking class.
93
00:03:00,620 --> 00:03:02,110
He has to go.
Today's lasagna.
94
00:03:02,330 --> 00:03:04,340
I've been starving myself
all day for that.
95
00:03:04,430 --> 00:03:05,200
He doesn't want to go
96
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,230
because there's a boy there
that is picking on him.
97
00:03:07,310 --> 00:03:08,540
Cooking class?
98
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,200
You know, we're running out
of places to send him
99
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,230
where he can be cool.
100
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,370
I know.
Enough is enough.
101
00:03:13,450 --> 00:03:14,810
You have to teach him
how to fight.
102
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:15,890
Yeah. That'll work.
103
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:16,950
You're doing this.
104
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,860
And don't tell him
that this is coming from me.
105
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,850
It's bad for a boy to know that
his mother thinks he's weak.
106
00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:23,280
That's a lifetime
of paying women
107
00:03:23,350 --> 00:03:24,940
to spank him until he cries.
108
00:03:25,010 --> 00:03:26,400
The kid is just not a fighter.
109
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,310
He gets squeamish
pounding veal.
110
00:03:28,390 --> 00:03:29,820
Just do it!
111
00:03:29,890 --> 00:03:31,390
Fine, but I'm only doing it
for the lasagna
112
00:03:31,490 --> 00:03:34,270
and the extra food he's been
bringing home on Sundays.
113
00:03:34,550 --> 00:03:36,300
Makes mondays easier, you know?
114
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:37,820
Oh, my God,
you're the Garfield.
115
00:03:37,970 --> 00:03:39,110
Hey.
116
00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:40,430
One of you pretty ladies
117
00:03:40,530 --> 00:03:42,260
want to take me
to meet a girl later?
118
00:03:42,420 --> 00:03:44,500
You think calling us pretty
is gonna get you a ride?
119
00:03:44,660 --> 00:03:45,500
I'll take it.
120
00:03:45,580 --> 00:03:46,780
Let me know
when you want to leave.
121
00:03:46,870 --> 00:03:49,050
Besides, I like Rose.
I think she's good for you.
122
00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:50,990
This is a new girl--
Sarah.
123
00:03:51,090 --> 00:03:53,190
I'm done with rose.
She crazy.
124
00:03:53,270 --> 00:03:55,320
Easy, Macklemore.
What do you mean, "crazy"?
125
00:03:55,460 --> 00:03:56,610
Alex:
I'll tell you what he means.
126
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:59,550
Any time a woman
challenges a man in any way,
127
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,300
suddenly, she's crazy.
128
00:04:01,470 --> 00:04:03,590
So, what did she do
that was so crazy, Luke--
129
00:04:03,650 --> 00:04:04,650
give you her opinion?
130
00:04:04,730 --> 00:04:08,360
Yeah, or what, did she dare
to talk about her feelings?
131
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,430
The words sound like you get it,
but your tone is throwing me.
132
00:04:11,570 --> 00:04:13,440
Just tell me you said something
nice when you broke up with her.
133
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,150
[ Scoffs ]
I haven't broken up with her.
134
00:04:15,230 --> 00:04:15,950
- What?!
- What?!
135
00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:16,950
It just seems weird
136
00:04:17,030 --> 00:04:19,040
to call someone up
and give them bad news.
137
00:04:19,190 --> 00:04:20,620
She'll find out somehow.
138
00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:23,230
Ugh, when did you become
a guy? It's gross.
139
00:04:23,330 --> 00:04:25,250
You need to stand up
and face her.
140
00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:26,140
In person?
141
00:04:26,230 --> 00:04:27,730
What are we, 30?
Send her a text.
142
00:04:27,870 --> 00:04:29,390
You need to break it
to her gently.
143
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,030
First, tell her she's awesome.
144
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:31,930
And pretty.
145
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:34,160
If she was awesome and pretty,
I wouldn't be dumping her.
146
00:04:34,250 --> 00:04:35,640
Just do it, you pig.
147
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:36,900
- [ Scoffs ]
- [ Scoffs ]
148
00:04:36,980 --> 00:04:38,510
We all know
I'm not gonna do it,
149
00:04:38,630 --> 00:04:41,410
so if you want it done, here.
150
00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:45,000
Oh, and don't go
looking around on there.
151
00:04:45,260 --> 00:04:47,210
It's not gonna make you
like me more.
152
00:04:47,940 --> 00:04:48,850
Ugh.
153
00:04:49,070 --> 00:04:50,500
[ Snoring ]
154
00:04:52,450 --> 00:04:53,180
[ Cellphone clatters ]
155
00:04:58,250 --> 00:04:59,780
'S-scuse me.
I think you're in my seat.
156
00:04:59,870 --> 00:05:01,320
Sir, we think
you're in her seat.
157
00:05:01,690 --> 00:05:03,620
No, I'm definitely 16C.
158
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,330
This is 19C.
159
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:06,900
Oh, darn it,
that's three rows up.
160
00:05:07,010 --> 00:05:08,330
Sorry about that.
161
00:05:08,410 --> 00:05:09,600
That's all right.
162
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,510
Hi. Welcome.
163
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:12,690
Um, could you hang back
a second?
164
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:13,750
I-I dropped my phone.
165
00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:16,880
I may have, uh,
what you're looking for...
166
00:05:17,060 --> 00:05:18,990
- Right there.
- Wait. What?
167
00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:20,150
[ Chuckles ]
Hi.
168
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,550
I'm a professional magician.
169
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,780
Holy sword-box,
you're Edward Legrand.
170
00:05:23,870 --> 00:05:24,660
Yeah, I am.
I am.
171
00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:25,530
I-I'm Phil Dunphy,
172
00:05:25,630 --> 00:05:27,490
p-professional realtor,
amateur magician.
173
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,140
- Well, nice to meet you.
- Hi. I'm Jillian.
174
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,430
I've been told
I have magic hands.
175
00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:31,360
[ Both laugh ]
176
00:05:31,490 --> 00:05:32,700
- I'm a masseuse.
- Oh.
177
00:05:32,850 --> 00:05:34,250
Why do you keep rubbing
your forearm like that?
178
00:05:34,340 --> 00:05:36,470
- Oh, I-I had a suitcase land on me.
- Oh, let me see.
179
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:37,400
- Hey, Phil...
- Ohh.
180
00:05:37,530 --> 00:05:39,090
...I've got a great new trick
I want to show you.
181
00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:41,500
- Oh!
- Ooh, I can do tricks, too.
182
00:05:41,650 --> 00:05:43,160
This spot's connected
to your tongue.
183
00:05:43,350 --> 00:05:44,910
Oh. Ohh!
184
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:45,920
[ Chuckles ]
185
00:05:46,030 --> 00:05:47,110
Can I stow your bag for you?
186
00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:49,560
- Mm.
- No, we'll be needing this.
187
00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:52,250
Trashy magazines.
188
00:05:52,340 --> 00:05:53,680
Oh, you're the best.
189
00:05:53,790 --> 00:05:55,520
Ooh.
Caramel truffles.
190
00:05:56,410 --> 00:05:58,960
I even brought
an extra fluffy neck pillow.
191
00:05:59,060 --> 00:06:00,040
Oh!
192
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:03,760
Oh, this must be
what a mother's hug feels like.
193
00:06:03,890 --> 00:06:05,250
- [ Cellphone rings ]
- [ Moans ]
194
00:06:05,350 --> 00:06:06,610
Hello?
195
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,780
Well, it looks like she's taking
good care of you.
196
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,510
Well, she is my best friend.
197
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,990
- [ Chuckles ]
- Listen to me, Julio.
198
00:06:12,090 --> 00:06:15,500
I want the gutters
cleaned today, not maņana.
199
00:06:15,580 --> 00:06:17,010
If everyone thought
my people were lazy,
200
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:20,930
I would do whatever it took
to not seem lazy.
201
00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:22,680
Comprende?
202
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,100
Actually,
we're gonna take off soon,
203
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:26,830
so we're gonna need you
to turn off your phone.
204
00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:29,640
I'm actually not done talking,
and two more.
205
00:06:29,820 --> 00:06:30,870
Well, if I were you,
206
00:06:30,970 --> 00:06:33,590
I'd put down the burrito
and get up that ladder.
207
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:34,740
[ Cellphone beeps ]
208
00:06:35,290 --> 00:06:36,190
[ Sighs ]
209
00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:37,610
What are you doing
standing there
210
00:06:37,710 --> 00:06:40,150
and not getting drinks for me
and my good friend, Claire?
211
00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:41,980
Actually, we just met.
212
00:06:43,950 --> 00:06:45,350
Oh, guys, guys,
213
00:06:45,430 --> 00:06:48,150
I can't let you do the cleanup
all by yourselves.
214
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:49,560
Ronaldo will help you.
215
00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:50,610
Of course!
216
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:51,820
Uh, where is Sal?
217
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,220
I need her keys to start
loading the gifts in her car.
218
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,260
I think she's changing Sammy
in our room.
219
00:06:56,790 --> 00:06:58,900
I hope she's also changing
those drapes.
220
00:06:59,010 --> 00:07:00,870
I don't want to sound like
a sentimental softy,
221
00:07:00,970 --> 00:07:01,950
but does anyone miss
222
00:07:02,050 --> 00:07:03,990
the drunken whore
she used to be?
223
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:05,760
Oh, I like the new Sal.
224
00:07:05,850 --> 00:07:07,810
Turns out, all she needed to
bring out her maternal instinct
225
00:07:07,910 --> 00:07:08,790
was a little baby.
226
00:07:08,870 --> 00:07:11,040
I don't buy it.
No, something's up.
227
00:07:11,110 --> 00:07:13,480
You do remember her suggesting
we chuck Lily into the ocean.
228
00:07:13,570 --> 00:07:15,400
Oh, Mitchell, calm down.
Babies change people.
229
00:07:15,490 --> 00:07:16,990
Like you used to be
a judgmental cynic,
230
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,680
and then Lily--
Oh, wait.
231
00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:21,810
You guys, Sal's not back there.
232
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,170
- Sal?
- The drapes still are.
233
00:07:24,260 --> 00:07:25,370
Well, that's weird.
Her car's gone.
234
00:07:25,470 --> 00:07:26,210
What?!
235
00:07:26,310 --> 00:07:27,640
Let's not jump to conclusions.
236
00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:29,850
In this neighborhood,
her car could have been stolen.
237
00:07:29,940 --> 00:07:31,470
Well, you know,
she did seem frazzled.
238
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,080
May-- maybe she forgot
to say goodbye.
239
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,920
Oh, and forgot
all of her presents.
240
00:07:35,050 --> 00:07:36,510
- [ Baby crying ]
- [ Gasps ]
241
00:07:38,030 --> 00:07:39,780
And forgot her baby.
242
00:07:39,870 --> 00:07:41,860
You don't think that there's
any way that she would--
243
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:42,560
N-no.
244
00:07:42,650 --> 00:07:43,980
I-I can't even say it.
245
00:07:44,070 --> 00:07:44,810
I can.
246
00:07:44,890 --> 00:07:46,990
That gin-soaked tart
abandoned the little bastard.
247
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,160
Oh, st--
248
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,870
What?
He's fatherless.
249
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,240
Am I wrong?
250
00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,090
Okay, I've called Sal
five times,
251
00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:00,290
and she still hasn't picked up.
252
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,280
I knew this whole "Earth Mother"
thing was an act.
253
00:08:02,380 --> 00:08:04,640
[ Singsong voice ] Oh, maybe
we should use our happy voices
254
00:08:04,740 --> 00:08:06,090
when we're accusing a mommy
255
00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:08,170
of abandoning her
little baby boy.
256
00:08:08,220 --> 00:08:10,920
- Ugh. This is a true disaster.
- Isn't it?
257
00:08:11,010 --> 00:08:12,020
Someone put a Spanish roof
258
00:08:12,130 --> 00:08:14,470
on what is clearly
a mid-century ranch.
259
00:08:14,610 --> 00:08:15,770
Oh, no.
260
00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:17,170
Someone just went numero two.
261
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:18,100
Pepper: - Oh!
- [ Normal voice ] Yeah.
262
00:08:18,210 --> 00:08:19,890
And the aftershocks
are still rolling in.
263
00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:22,340
Here's her diaper bag.
And... what's--
264
00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:25,660
Oh, no. This--
Uh, h-here's a note.
265
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,070
"I'm sorry to leave this way.
266
00:08:27,180 --> 00:08:28,120
I'm not proud of it,
267
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,740
but I just can't do this
anymore.
268
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:30,800
Goodbye. Sal."
269
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,160
[ Singsong voice ]
It's getting harder and harder
270
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:35,140
to keep a positive spin
on this.
271
00:08:37,950 --> 00:08:39,380
[ Slurring ]
Here. Have some cheese.
272
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,540
Oh, no. Thank you.
I'm-- I'm good.
273
00:08:41,660 --> 00:08:42,880
Oh, my.
274
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,000
That is [Clears throat] strong.
275
00:08:45,570 --> 00:08:46,600
Oh, my goodness.
276
00:08:46,780 --> 00:08:49,350
Hey.
What are you staring at?
277
00:08:49,450 --> 00:08:50,920
It's French cheese.
278
00:08:51,190 --> 00:08:53,090
Costs more than you make
in a week.
279
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,960
Okay, you might want
to keep your voice down.
280
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,760
- Claire.
- Yeah?
281
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,820
That guy over there
is checking you out!
282
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:00,290
I don't think he is.
283
00:09:00,460 --> 00:09:03,900
My friend Claire would like
to meet you in the bathroom.
284
00:09:03,970 --> 00:09:05,970
No.
I-I did not say that.
285
00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:08,550
Claire, why do you do that
to yourself?
286
00:09:08,660 --> 00:09:11,050
You are so pretty.
287
00:09:11,370 --> 00:09:12,290
Hey, Phil, what time is it?
288
00:09:12,390 --> 00:09:13,760
What's wrong?
289
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,750
My watch is go--
Edward, what did you do?
290
00:09:17,870 --> 00:09:19,720
Jillian, what's your, uh,
middle initial?
291
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:20,740
"C," for Catherine.
292
00:09:20,830 --> 00:09:24,280
And, Phil, uh, what age were you
when you first kissed a girl?
293
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,140
12 cousin,
14 non-cousin.
294
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,090
Let's stick
with non-cousin.
295
00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:31,630
I think if you go to 14C,
seat right over there,
296
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,820
you'll wind up
with what you're looking for.
297
00:09:33,910 --> 00:09:34,980
[ Laughing ]
It works on battery,
298
00:09:35,060 --> 00:09:37,290
but, oh, my God, I'm excited!
299
00:09:41,390 --> 00:09:42,120
Excuse me.
300
00:09:42,210 --> 00:09:43,460
- Phil. It's me.
- Oh, hey.
301
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:44,540
- What are you doing back here?
- I need a break
302
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:45,800
from the woman
I'm sitting next to up there.
303
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:48,080
- She is the worst person on Earth.
- I'm sorry.
304
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,640
I was hoping she might be a
little less aggressive with you.
305
00:09:50,730 --> 00:09:51,960
Do you mind switching with me
for a little while?
306
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,240
Oh, honey, you don't want to.
It's hell back here, too.
307
00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:55,610
I'm squished between
this fat lady
308
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,290
who keeps digging into my elbow
309
00:09:57,370 --> 00:09:58,760
and this huge, sweaty dude
310
00:09:58,830 --> 00:10:00,660
who won't stop blabbing on
about his job.
311
00:10:00,780 --> 00:10:01,810
Oh.
312
00:10:01,890 --> 00:10:03,780
Well, could I get a hug?
I could really use one.
313
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,910
Sure thing. Oops.
They want us back in our seats.
314
00:10:06,060 --> 00:10:07,860
- [ Grunts ]
- I didn't hear the little ding.
315
00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:08,860
Your ears must be plugged.
316
00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:10,290
Whoa!
Did you feel that?
317
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,850
No, I-I-I didn't
feel anything.
318
00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:13,450
This is scary.
You should go back.
319
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,670
Amazing.
320
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:21,960
Thank you.
321
00:10:22,710 --> 00:10:23,950
Sorcerer!
322
00:10:24,610 --> 00:10:26,370
- [ Grunts ]
- Not bad. I felt that one.
323
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:27,960
So good, Manny.
324
00:10:28,050 --> 00:10:29,820
All right,
really let one go this time.
325
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:31,800
Thinks about how mad
this guy makes you.
326
00:10:31,890 --> 00:10:33,320
- What's his name?
- Gideon.
327
00:10:33,410 --> 00:10:34,400
Oh, geez.
328
00:10:34,650 --> 00:10:36,310
All right,
think about what he did to you.
329
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:37,870
I'd rather not talk about it.
330
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,390
I don't know why you're smiling.
Your fennel's burnt.
331
00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:43,560
Whereas I made
a perfect butternut squash.
332
00:10:43,650 --> 00:10:44,670
That's just butter.
333
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:46,830
Oh, yeah, I-I totally forgot
the nut squash!
334
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:48,820
- [ Laughing ] Oh!
- [ Groans ]
335
00:10:49,070 --> 00:10:50,580
Snap it.
Snap it. Good.
336
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:52,710
- More. Good.
- I'm done.
337
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,500
I'm not fighting anymore.
It's not worth it.
338
00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:56,420
But you're doing so good.
339
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:58,240
You just have to turn
your shoulder first
340
00:10:58,330 --> 00:11:00,460
so that you can throw
your weight behind your punch.
341
00:11:01,380 --> 00:11:02,300
If you want.
342
00:11:02,390 --> 00:11:04,290
I already think
that you're very tough.
343
00:11:04,410 --> 00:11:06,710
This is all Jay's idea.
344
00:11:06,810 --> 00:11:08,680
All right. Come on, kid.
Show 'em who's boss.
345
00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:09,580
No.
346
00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:11,340
I'm more of a lover
than a fighter.
347
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,110
Well, that's the goal, anyway.
348
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:16,530
Ay, okay, papi,
whatever you decide.
349
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:18,690
- Don't let him leave this room!
- Ow, ow, ow!
350
00:11:18,770 --> 00:11:20,650
Maybe you should teach him
how to hit.
351
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:22,730
Oh, my God.
Check it out.
352
00:11:22,860 --> 00:11:24,710
Rose got your breakup text
and wrote back.
353
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:25,680
She mad.
354
00:11:25,770 --> 00:11:27,550
What?
Give me that.
355
00:11:29,250 --> 00:11:31,390
"Thanks for the dumbest
breakup text ever.
356
00:11:31,470 --> 00:11:33,170
Don't call a girl awesome,
then break up with her.
357
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:34,970
If I'm so great,
why'd you dump me?
358
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,910
Get over yourself,
you insensitive troll"?
359
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:40,640
What is her problem?
She can't talk to you like that.
360
00:11:40,730 --> 00:11:43,140
[ Chuckles ] She's not.
She's talking to you.
361
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:46,260
I can't believe
I ever liked this girl.
362
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,580
Our text was compassionate
and respectful.
363
00:11:48,650 --> 00:11:49,950
There was nothing dumb
about it.
364
00:11:50,030 --> 00:11:51,590
A million percent.
365
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,020
- What are you doing?
- [ Chuckling ] Oh.
366
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:57,180
This crazy bitch just messed
with the wrong crazy bitch.
367
00:11:57,810 --> 00:11:58,940
Whoo, whoo, whoo, dee, doo!
368
00:11:59,030 --> 00:12:00,000
[ Scoffs ]
This is unreal.
369
00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:01,410
We always knew
Sal was unstable,
370
00:12:01,510 --> 00:12:02,770
but how could she do this?
371
00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:04,310
We don't know
that she's done anything.
372
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,380
Okay, let's just suppose
for a second
373
00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:08,480
that she's on a plane to Cabo.
374
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:09,280
What then?
375
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:10,740
Maybe this is part of
a bigger plan.
376
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:11,680
You know, maybe the reason
377
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,010
we didn't adopt
another baby after Lily
378
00:12:13,090 --> 00:12:16,310
was because God wanted us
available for Sammy.
379
00:12:16,410 --> 00:12:18,500
Who is this God
that denies us a baby,
380
00:12:18,610 --> 00:12:19,770
then gets a party girl
pregnant,
381
00:12:19,850 --> 00:12:22,250
only to have her desert the baby
so that we can finally get one?
382
00:12:22,330 --> 00:12:24,070
The same God
that impregnated a virgin,
383
00:12:24,180 --> 00:12:26,510
sent Moses down the river
in a basket,
384
00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:29,710
and commanded Abraham
to stab his own son.
385
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:32,240
God only does weird baby stuff.
386
00:12:32,470 --> 00:12:33,750
Okay, yes, I'll admit,
387
00:12:33,830 --> 00:12:35,520
there is part of me that would
love to keep this little guy
388
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,450
and raise him the way
Sal was pretending to.
389
00:12:37,570 --> 00:12:39,720
Exactly.
Lily could have a baby brother.
390
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,910
But there are systems
in place here.
391
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,030
You can't just keep him like
a bunny you found in the yard.
392
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,840
- That's crazy.
- Aww.
393
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:46,540
Listen, we discussed it,
394
00:12:46,660 --> 00:12:48,880
and we think
we should take the kid.
395
00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:50,640
Ee!
What should we call him?
396
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,740
Not sure,
but definitely not Sammy.
397
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,630
Sammy Saltzman sounds so silly.
398
00:12:54,710 --> 00:12:56,090
[ Both laugh ]
399
00:12:57,540 --> 00:12:59,710
We can overhand shuffle,
400
00:12:59,910 --> 00:13:02,600
and we can riffle shuffle...
401
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:03,890
[ Dramatically ]
But, you know,
402
00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:07,950
there is no escape
from the angry...
403
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:09,760
- queen.
- What?
404
00:13:09,820 --> 00:13:11,650
Phil.
What are you doing?
405
00:13:11,820 --> 00:13:14,060
Making the best
of a bad situation?
406
00:13:14,170 --> 00:13:15,450
Why is that woman
rubbing your shoulders?
407
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,550
Oh, uh, Jillian is a masseuse,
408
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:20,530
and this, of course,
is Edward Legrand.
409
00:13:20,650 --> 00:13:22,090
Pleasure to meet you.
410
00:13:22,180 --> 00:13:24,310
Now, if you could just give me
my ace of spades back--
411
00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:25,220
it's in your pocket.
412
00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:27,920
This is why you had to race back
to your hellish seat--
413
00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:30,140
for back rubs and card tricks?
414
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:31,950
Do you have any idea what
I'm going through up there?
415
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,680
She clipped her toenails
416
00:13:33,770 --> 00:13:36,380
because her "Oriental girl"
didn't do it right.
417
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:37,820
Claire, I'm sorry.
418
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,440
But I need you to check
your pocket.
419
00:13:40,580 --> 00:13:41,940
[ Inhales deeply ]
420
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,680
Insanity!
421
00:13:45,790 --> 00:13:47,060
- Thank you very much.
- [ Chuckles ]
422
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:49,600
Don't be mad at me.
423
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:50,910
You're the one
who grabbed that seat.
424
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,460
That was a pretty selfish move.
425
00:13:52,530 --> 00:13:53,450
Yeah, I did grab that seat,
426
00:13:53,530 --> 00:13:55,880
because I spent the entire
weekend being selfless,
427
00:13:55,970 --> 00:13:57,450
and you didn't even
thank me once.
428
00:13:57,530 --> 00:13:59,600
Why would I thank you for
giving you an awesome weekend?
429
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:00,580
Awesome?
430
00:14:00,660 --> 00:14:02,900
You spent the whole weekend
rehashing stories
431
00:14:02,990 --> 00:14:06,030
about itchy, rusty,
and loveboat.
432
00:14:06,150 --> 00:14:07,270
How is that fun for me?!
433
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:08,570
They were always
getting into stuff!
434
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:09,830
I came back here
for some compassion,
435
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,160
and all you did was lie to me
and blow me off
436
00:14:12,250 --> 00:14:14,220
so you could keep
having your fun
437
00:14:14,330 --> 00:14:16,640
while I suffer up there
in first class!
438
00:14:16,740 --> 00:14:17,960
Oh, my heart goes out to you.
439
00:14:18,050 --> 00:14:19,120
Oh, stick it, Kreskin.
440
00:14:19,210 --> 00:14:21,290
I'm sitting next to
a cheese-eating racist.
441
00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,160
I'm sorry about your card.
442
00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:25,390
Yeah, uh...
443
00:14:25,530 --> 00:14:26,780
don't be.
444
00:14:26,870 --> 00:14:28,070
Son of a...
445
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:29,910
All right.
446
00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:31,300
I'll be back--
pick you up at 6:00.
447
00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:32,540
Now, remember,
what did I teach you?
448
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,090
Violence solves everything,
449
00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:36,410
and don't wind my fist up
like Popeye.
450
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,520
It's not violence.
It's self-defense.
451
00:14:38,650 --> 00:14:40,760
You cannot let this kid
keep pushing you around.
452
00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:42,960
Now, you walk in there
like a badass,
453
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:45,930
and you make the best damn
lasagna anybody's ever seen.
454
00:14:46,020 --> 00:14:48,620
I appreciate the speech, Jay,
but I'll handle things my way.
455
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:50,050
Kid, one more thing.
456
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,780
Don't forget the garlic bread.
457
00:14:53,870 --> 00:14:55,460
- Because without that...
- I-I get it.
458
00:14:56,050 --> 00:14:57,080
[ Car door closes ]
459
00:14:58,050 --> 00:14:59,600
Hey, Delgado.
460
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:02,990
Manny, I'm talking to you.
You want a piece of this?
461
00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:08,000
Ow!
What was that for?
462
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:09,670
Looks like I gave you
a piece of this.
463
00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:10,470
What the hell?
464
00:15:10,550 --> 00:15:12,350
I was just offering you
some apple crumble!
465
00:15:12,590 --> 00:15:13,820
What? You were not.
466
00:15:13,910 --> 00:15:16,950
Yes, I was!
I felt bad about teasing you.
467
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:17,770
My therapist said
468
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,320
I was acting out
because of my parents' divorce,
469
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,830
so I was trying to be nice.
470
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,040
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know!
471
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,590
Good shot, kid!
472
00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:27,550
That'll teach you
who to pick on, you punk--
473
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:28,680
not my boy!
474
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,160
He learned how to punch
from the best.
475
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,290
His parents
are getting divorced,
476
00:15:31,370 --> 00:15:33,730
and he made me that dessert
as an apology.
477
00:15:33,830 --> 00:15:36,170
This whole thing
was your mother's idea.
478
00:15:39,170 --> 00:15:42,790
Ronaldo, you grab
the roller thingy, and, uh--
479
00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:47,250
Oh! I'll grab
that big mesh cage.
480
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:48,730
All right.
Everybody, stop.
481
00:15:48,810 --> 00:15:50,310
You can't just keep a baby
482
00:15:50,390 --> 00:15:53,560
like it's some rabbit
you found in the yard.
483
00:15:53,670 --> 00:15:56,060
- There are systems in place.
- Wow.
484
00:15:56,150 --> 00:15:58,260
He has to stay
somewhere tonight, no?
485
00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,440
Yeah, how about right here,
486
00:15:59,530 --> 00:16:01,640
because we know how
to raise a child?
487
00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:02,550
Oh, please.
488
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:03,600
We'll dress him and feed him,
489
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,730
and Conchetta can handle
the poopy stuff.
490
00:16:05,850 --> 00:16:08,230
I gave her Obamacare.
It's the least she can do.
491
00:16:08,310 --> 00:16:09,930
We all want
what's best for the baby.
492
00:16:10,020 --> 00:16:12,640
Y-you're very nice people,
but we've done this before.
493
00:16:12,730 --> 00:16:14,630
So?
It's our turn.
494
00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:15,700
[ Sighs ]
495
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:17,610
I wanted a child
for some time now.
496
00:16:17,690 --> 00:16:19,230
My biological clock is ticking.
497
00:16:19,340 --> 00:16:21,130
That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
498
00:16:21,210 --> 00:16:23,320
- Is it? I'm 44.
- Or that is.
499
00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:24,550
You are one mean lady.
500
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:26,950
We're not leaving
without Felipe.
501
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,340
Well, then, you're not leaving.
502
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:29,870
[ Scoffs ]
Fine!
503
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,780
Did we settle on "Felipe"?
504
00:16:43,740 --> 00:16:44,860
[ Sighs ]
505
00:16:47,010 --> 00:16:47,890
Phil.
506
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:48,930
Honey, what are you doing?
507
00:16:49,010 --> 00:16:50,010
[ Slurring ]
One second.
508
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:52,920
So, I have 20 fur coats
in my closet,
509
00:16:53,030 --> 00:16:54,900
but I'm the only one
of my friends
510
00:16:54,990 --> 00:16:57,000
who even wears them anymore,
511
00:16:57,100 --> 00:17:00,480
so you tell me
who's endangered.
512
00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:02,610
Jillian's waiting for you
in my seat
513
00:17:02,770 --> 00:17:03,880
to give you a little back rub.
514
00:17:03,950 --> 00:17:04,910
You don't have to do this.
515
00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,810
You didn't have to be
so great this weekend.
516
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,450
But you were, so thank you.
517
00:17:09,790 --> 00:17:11,350
And I should have
said that earlier.
518
00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:13,150
Mwah!
519
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,550
Go enjoy
the rest of your flight.
520
00:17:14,630 --> 00:17:15,650
I'll deal with this.
521
00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:16,710
"Deal with this"?
522
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,030
I'm a state senator's mistress.
523
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,610
You're my hero.
524
00:17:22,740 --> 00:17:23,990
[ Door opens ]
525
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:25,890
Gloria: Wipe your feet
before you come in!
526
00:17:26,050 --> 00:17:26,770
Listen to that.
527
00:17:26,850 --> 00:17:29,330
First thing out of her mouth,
she's telling us what to do.
528
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:30,410
Well, that stops today.
529
00:17:30,470 --> 00:17:32,140
We go in strong.
We hold our ground.
530
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:34,470
We let her know
she's done pushing us around.
531
00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:36,390
Manny,
why are you home so early?
532
00:17:36,550 --> 00:17:38,130
Did you let him skip school?
533
00:17:38,210 --> 00:17:39,200
No, mom.
534
00:17:39,290 --> 00:17:40,150
I was kicked out
535
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,300
for punching
a really misunderstood kid,
536
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:43,370
thanks to you.
537
00:17:43,450 --> 00:17:44,310
Thanks to me?
What, did--
538
00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:45,230
I told him everything.
539
00:17:45,310 --> 00:17:46,520
And you know what we realized?
540
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,410
There is a bully in our life,
and it's you.
541
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:52,820
You make the rules,
you boss us around,
542
00:17:52,930 --> 00:17:55,080
- and we're not gonna take it anymore.
- Mm. Yeah.
543
00:17:55,220 --> 00:17:56,830
Ah, look at you two,
544
00:17:56,930 --> 00:17:59,010
standing up
to the big, scary bully
545
00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:01,130
that loves you and protects you
546
00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:03,910
and wants you to be safe
in this world.
547
00:18:04,770 --> 00:18:08,440
You're just tiny, little men
to me right now,
548
00:18:08,580 --> 00:18:12,140
and you need to leave this house
and come back with more respect!
549
00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:13,620
And a pizza.
550
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:14,680
[ Gasps ]
Oh, what?
551
00:18:14,750 --> 00:18:17,280
You need to go first
and check on your mascara?
552
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:18,820
- We do need to eat.
- Yeah.
553
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:19,890
I wouldn't mind some pizza.
554
00:18:19,980 --> 00:18:21,060
We're not getting
any pineapple.
555
00:18:21,150 --> 00:18:22,560
You are getting pineapple!
556
00:18:22,650 --> 00:18:24,130
We're taking it off our slices.
557
00:18:24,220 --> 00:18:25,770
Don't waste any food, Jay!
558
00:18:25,830 --> 00:18:27,150
- I think we made our point.
- Totally.
559
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,790
We'll get our own pizza--
eat it in the car.
560
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,570
[ Door closes ]
561
00:18:32,830 --> 00:18:34,080
Give me one reason
562
00:18:34,230 --> 00:18:36,970
why Sammy should stay here
tonight instead of with us.
563
00:18:37,070 --> 00:18:38,840
Because
we're experienced parents.
564
00:18:38,930 --> 00:18:40,270
We have a crib!
565
00:18:40,350 --> 00:18:42,510
We have a pediatrician.
Our house is babyproofed.
566
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,050
Our house was in
Architectural Digest.
567
00:18:45,150 --> 00:18:46,410
Ronaldo, please,
you're not helping.
568
00:18:46,510 --> 00:18:47,770
They don't know what that is.
569
00:18:47,850 --> 00:18:50,400
How can you even fit another
child in this shoe box?
570
00:18:50,510 --> 00:18:51,290
You're poor!
571
00:18:51,390 --> 00:18:53,040
We have a beautiful house
with a big yard
572
00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:54,930
where he could throw the ball
with the gardener.
573
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:55,720
Okay, look.
574
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,810
If anybody's gonna adopt Sammy,
it's gonna be us.
575
00:18:57,890 --> 00:18:58,560
Oh!
576
00:18:58,630 --> 00:19:00,030
Whoa!
Do I have any say in this?
577
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:03,000
Sal!
Oh, well, you're back.
578
00:19:03,110 --> 00:19:04,330
What the hell
are you four doing?
579
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,290
You walked out of here and left
your baby without saying a word,
580
00:19:06,370 --> 00:19:08,020
so maybe we'll be asking
the questions.
581
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,940
I told John John
where I was going.
582
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,040
The drunkest guy at the party.
583
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,030
Excuse me for not wanting
584
00:19:12,110 --> 00:19:13,620
to interrupt
your fierce debate--
585
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:16,600
"Who's hotter, Mr. Clean
or The Brawny Paper Towel man?"
586
00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:17,790
- Mr. Clean.
- Brawny Paper Towel guy.
587
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:19,040
We're not going back there.
588
00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:20,610
That still doesn't explain
why you would leave
589
00:19:20,710 --> 00:19:22,250
in the middle
of your own baby shower.
590
00:19:22,340 --> 00:19:24,700
I got freaked out when jotham
mentioned the Blackhawks.
591
00:19:24,790 --> 00:19:26,480
Every time.
I hear it every time.
592
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,580
Sammy's dad is on the team,
okay?
593
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:29,930
And he didn't know
Sammy existed--
594
00:19:30,060 --> 00:19:32,490
at least not until I just went
down there and I told him.
595
00:19:32,570 --> 00:19:34,250
Oh, gosh. What happened?
How did he take it?
596
00:19:34,350 --> 00:19:35,820
It turns out he's married.
597
00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:37,530
Yeah, I could have googled that.
So he's out.
598
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:41,380
And you thought
I deserted my own baby?
599
00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:42,090
You did leave.
600
00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:43,510
And then what--
what's up with this note, huh?
601
00:19:43,590 --> 00:19:44,890
Look--
"I'm sorry to leave this way.
602
00:19:44,970 --> 00:19:46,850
I'm not proud of it,
but I just can't do this."
603
00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:48,110
This diaper bag
604
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,570
is just a recycled purse
from my single days!
605
00:19:50,650 --> 00:19:53,130
I got a lot of these notes
lying around for quick getaways.
606
00:19:54,150 --> 00:19:57,010
- You guys don't think
that I can do this, do you? - No!
607
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:58,320
- We always thought you could do it.
- I certainly don't.
608
00:19:58,410 --> 00:19:59,810
- We don't think you can't do it.
- Shut up!
609
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:01,340
I don't think
I can do it, either!
610
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,820
Oh, Sal.
611
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:05,250
I mean, it's just--
[Breathes deeply]
612
00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:07,550
so hard.
613
00:20:07,820 --> 00:20:10,340
I feel so guilty that he doesn't
have a dad in the picture.
614
00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:12,350
I don't know. I'm trying
to do everything perfectly.
615
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,810
It's exhausting.
616
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,030
And I haven't had sex
in like a year.
617
00:20:16,110 --> 00:20:17,340
[ All gasp ]
618
00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:18,950
[ Sammy coos ]
619
00:20:19,530 --> 00:20:20,890
- Oh!
Cameron: - Oh.
620
00:20:21,130 --> 00:20:21,890
[ Sammy coos ]
621
00:20:21,950 --> 00:20:23,290
This little dude--
622
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:27,200
he's the one thing in my life
that I cannot mess up.
623
00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:29,400
[ Sighs ]
624
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,370
I just wish I could
give him a dad.
625
00:20:31,450 --> 00:20:34,320
Well... what about us?
626
00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:36,550
- We could be Sammy's dad.
- All of us.
627
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:37,580
Yeah, Sal, we love you,
628
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,510
and we're always here for you--
whatever you need.
629
00:20:39,620 --> 00:20:41,800
Except we'll be in Capri
all of July.
630
00:20:41,890 --> 00:20:43,120
Seriously, Sal,
631
00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:45,330
you and Sammy
will never be alone.
632
00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:46,980
You guys are so sweet.
633
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:47,810
[ Chuckles ]
634
00:20:47,890 --> 00:20:49,580
Wait.
June's no good, either.
635
00:20:49,670 --> 00:20:51,940
I'm getting my neck done.
[ Inhales sharply ]
636
00:20:56,350 --> 00:20:57,790
Oh, my God!
What did you do?
637
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,160
We stuck up for you!
638
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,220
Yeah, Rose had it coming.
She can't talk to you the way we do.
639
00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:04,170
But Rose has forwarded
your text to Sarah,
640
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,980
and now Sarah
doesn't wanna go out.
641
00:21:05,980 --> 00:21:07,260
Give me that phone.
642
00:21:07,260 --> 00:21:09,630
What did the skank Sarah
say to you?
643
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:11,360
Uh.
644
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,450
Yeah, um-- ouch.
Good opening.
645
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:14,620
[ Laughs ]
646
00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:16,310
That's so funny.
We totally deserve that.
647
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:18,410
Totally!
Good sense of humor!
648
00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:20,260
Oh, my God.
I love her.
649
00:21:20,260 --> 00:21:21,350
Me too.
650
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:23,000
Don't worry, Luke.
We're gonna win her back.
651
00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:24,460
We just got--
652
00:21:24,850 --> 00:21:26,210
Luke?
653
00:21:28,140 --> 00:21:29,790
You think maybe we need
dates of our own?
654
00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:30,700
So bad.