1
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,150
(liquid bubbling)
2
00:00:19,190 --> 00:00:20,160
(timer dings)
3
00:00:20,190 --> 00:00:22,160
All right, clockwise, honey.
4
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,360
Don't fight it.
5
00:00:23,390 --> 00:00:24,890
Let me make you.
6
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,200
What... is that?
7
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This is the only thing us
Miller men know how to make.
8
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And we call it The Sauce.
9
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- It stinks.
- It doesn't stink.
10
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:34,870
Fawn is coming over for
a midnight fondue supper.
11
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There's no chocolate or cheese on this earth
12
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:39,540
that makes a cube of
bread pop like The Sauce.
13
00:00:39,570 --> 00:00:41,540
Your girlfriend's coming
over for the first time,
14
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and you asked Nick to cook?
15
00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:45,950
True, normally food à la Nick
would be less appealing to me
16
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than licking the floor of a beach bathroom.
17
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But I want Fawn to have the best,
18
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and The Sauce is the best.
19
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Good for you... when you said
"Fawn" and then "fondue,"
20
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:56,530
I definitely thought you were
headed in the direction of...
21
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,530
Step one: fondue.
22
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,930
- Step two: do Fawn.
- That's not bad.
23
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,870
Yeah, I was, like, "Fondue is Fawn done."
24
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(snickers) Th-These are all good.
25
00:01:04,660 --> 00:01:06,200
Hey, has anybody heard for Cece?
26
00:01:06,230 --> 00:01:08,040
'Cause she hasn't answered any of my texts,
27
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and I'm starting to get worried.
28
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Jess is starting to find your behavior...
29
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"suspicious."
30
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That's a police word.
31
00:01:14,570 --> 00:01:15,880
It's not a police word, Winston.
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It's a very common word.
33
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And you know why I'm keeping my distance.
34
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I like Schmidt.
35
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:22,120
For the second time!
36
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,920
I know how many times.
37
00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:25,120
Ah. Ah.
38
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If you could see my face right now,
39
00:01:26,450 --> 00:01:28,160
I'm smiling, and I'm saying, "Ah."
40
00:01:28,190 --> 00:01:29,990
And if Jess finds out, she's
gonna want to get involved,
41
00:01:30,020 --> 00:01:31,430
and I don't want her involved
42
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because there's nothing that she can do.
43
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Look, if you act suspicious,
44
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,400
then she's gonna be suspicious, all right?
45
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,800
Look, don't slink your head in the dumps.
46
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You got to raise your hand with the sunshine
47
00:01:39,170 --> 00:01:41,140
wh-where people walk, you know?
48
00:01:41,170 --> 00:01:42,810
Because that's what the whole point of the...
49
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:44,810
when the... (stammers) if
you can lead 'em to water,
50
00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:46,640
but you can't make a sound, right?
51
00:01:46,670 --> 00:01:47,810
Look, just call her.
52
00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:49,010
Fine, okay, I'll call her.
53
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,650
But... and listen to me,
54
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she cannot find out.
55
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Under no circumstance.
56
00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:57,020
Okay, baby.
57
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Look, your secret is safe with me.
58
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That being said,
59
00:02:00,850 --> 00:02:03,290
- I am not a smooth man.
- Yeah, I get that.
60
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,860
Did I do something to piss Cece off?
61
00:02:05,890 --> 00:02:08,130
Oh, Schmidt, you have
something on your pants.
62
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,330
Ah! It's a spider! (shrieks)
63
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,470
Jess, why did you do that?
64
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You know how he gets... He turns
65
00:02:13,530 --> 00:02:15,310
into a cartoon elephant of yesteryear
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who just saw a mouse.
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Which is offensive in present day
68
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'cause it seems like a gay stereotype
69
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they tried to sneak by us.
70
00:02:20,410 --> 00:02:21,780
(imitates elephant trumpeting)
71
00:02:21,810 --> 00:02:23,380
(with lisp): "Where's my balance ball?
72
00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:26,180
There's a mouse loose in the house."
73
00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:28,150
SCHMIDT: Where is it?
We've got to hunt it down.
74
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- We got to have a spiderhunt.
- We're not having one of those.
75
00:02:29,980 --> 00:02:31,720
- No, dude, no more spiderhunts.
- Guys, they're all over me!
76
00:02:31,750 --> 00:02:34,120
This is childish, and
you need to get over it.
77
00:02:34,150 --> 00:02:35,790
Jess, would you please?
You know this fear comes
78
00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:37,530
from a very real place... 1999.
79
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American Pie was sweeping the nation.
80
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And everybody was doing it with pies.
81
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,870
I just happened to accidentally
fall asleep right afterwards.
82
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And when I awoke,
83
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,310
the dried apple filling was...
84
00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:49,910
it just had attracted so many spiders,
85
00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:51,580
and they were all over it, and I...
86
00:02:51,610 --> 00:02:53,640
Okay, everyone was doing it with pies?
87
00:02:53,670 --> 00:02:55,650
Well, Y2K was an uncertain time.
88
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,150
- I don't know "everyone," Jess.
- I might have dabbled.
89
00:02:58,180 --> 00:02:59,850
- Fawn can't see me like this.
- Fawn won't care.
90
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,650
- Jess, I'm embarrassed... for her to see me in this state.
- You're fine...
91
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,320
- It's embarrassing... just a little spider!
- You're fine.
92
00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:06,090
And there it is! I just saw it!
93
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,890
- Get off the table.
- We'll do the spiderhunt.
94
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,060
- Fawn can't see you like this.
- There it is!
95
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,860
It's right there... It's licking it's lips.
96
00:03:19,570 --> 00:03:21,200
- So I'm finally e-mailing that girl, May.
- Nice.
97
00:03:21,230 --> 00:03:22,870
- Here's what I got so far.
- Mm-hmm.
98
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:24,510
"Dear May.
99
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:26,080
Lay down on me."
100
00:03:26,110 --> 00:03:27,540
Well, th-then what?
101
00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:29,010
You met this woman weeks
ago... I can't believe
102
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:30,550
you haven't e-mailed her. Just text her.
103
00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:32,520
COACH: If I had her number, I would text her.
104
00:03:32,550 --> 00:03:33,850
She gave me her e-mail.
105
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,350
And now I have to write how I feel.
106
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:37,620
Which is weird, it's like...
107
00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:39,790
I-I like her. Much.
108
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:40,920
You like her much?
109
00:03:40,950 --> 00:03:42,290
All right.
110
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"Girl, it's warm today.
111
00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:46,060
"Yesterday was warm, too.
112
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Yeah."
113
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Yeah, I'm gonna write, "Yeah."
114
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You're happy about this?
115
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Damn it, no, it doesn't feel right.
116
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Yeah, just hold it down, hold it down.
117
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Okay, you guys know the drill.
118
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We split up into teams,
and we hunt this spider.
119
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- Why can't we just call an exterminator?
- Yes.
120
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They've all blocked Schmidt's calls
121
00:04:01,310 --> 00:04:02,480
since the dandelion incident.
122
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It moved like a spider, Nick!
123
00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:05,780
(cell phone rings)
124
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(gasps)
125
00:04:07,650 --> 00:04:09,120
I don't know a Cece.
126
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(chuckles) Yeah, I do. How the hell are you?
127
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Jess, please, hurry up, we're on a hunt!
128
00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:15,830
It could be right above our heads right now.
129
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Hanging from its butt-rope.
130
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Come over.
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- I can't.
- Why not?
132
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Did I do something?
133
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,770
Are we in another purse thing
that I don't know about?
134
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,170
No, no, Jess, of course it's not you.
135
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,600
It would just be...
136
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an honor.
137
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I'll be right there.
138
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Great, wear shoes that you don't
mind getting spider guts on.
139
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Bye.
140
00:04:40,810 --> 00:04:42,690
So...
141
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:43,820
what's going on with Cece?
142
00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:45,260
Well, I had to beg her like a nerd,
143
00:04:45,290 --> 00:04:46,790
but she's finally coming over.
144
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:47,990
- Oh, she's coming over.
- Yeah.
145
00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:49,790
- Good, man.
- Took a lot of cajoling.
146
00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:51,800
- That's cool.
- Normally, it's, like, she'll come over all the time.
147
00:04:51,830 --> 00:04:53,130
But now it's diff... I don't know why
148
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,700
that would be the case at all,
149
00:04:54,730 --> 00:04:56,970
but that's cool... I respect the
decision for her to come over.
150
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,870
Why are you acting weird?
151
00:04:58,900 --> 00:05:00,900
I'm acting weird?
152
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,870
- Mm.
- Do you know something?
153
00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:05,140
Do...?
154
00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:07,140
You... I'm not a smooth man.
155
00:05:07,170 --> 00:05:08,140
Is she mad at someone?
156
00:05:08,170 --> 00:05:09,780
Ah... no.
157
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:10,980
No.
158
00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:12,620
No, she's not mad at anyone.
159
00:05:12,650 --> 00:05:13,780
It's the opposite.
160
00:05:13,810 --> 00:05:15,190
Mm.
161
00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:17,120
- It's the opposite?
- That's not what I said.
162
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,120
You said, "No, no, she's not mad at anyone.
163
00:05:20,150 --> 00:05:21,660
It's the opposite."
164
00:05:21,690 --> 00:05:24,060
I said, "Whoa, whoa.
165
00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:25,700
"Cheese is bad e'ryone.
166
00:05:25,730 --> 00:05:27,630
Let's stop and spit."
167
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,300
The opposite of mad is...
168
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,070
(gasps) Does she like someone?
169
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:33,500
What would make you assume that would be...?
170
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:36,170
I can hear it.
171
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,010
I can hear it building its house.
172
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,640
Building its sticky, deadly house
173
00:05:39,670 --> 00:05:41,040
that you can never leave.
174
00:05:41,070 --> 00:05:42,880
Building it.
175
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,910
With its ass.
176
00:05:50,820 --> 00:05:53,740
- We're breaking up into two-person teams.
- Cece.
177
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:56,280
Each team has one Smusher and one Jar-Man.
178
00:05:56,310 --> 00:05:58,240
Nick, I'm gonna make you a
Smusher since you have to stir.
179
00:05:58,270 --> 00:05:59,780
Hey, am I stirring right now?
180
00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:02,450
Or is my arm still, and
the world is stirring?
181
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,380
Coach, you're a Jar-Man.
182
00:06:04,410 --> 00:06:06,450
- Mm.
- You're with Schmidt.
183
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,760
Cece, with your delicate little
hands, you're a born Jar-Man.
184
00:06:09,790 --> 00:06:12,330
- Okay.
- Which means I need to pair you up with a Smusher.
185
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,790
- I smush.
- That'd be me.
186
00:06:13,820 --> 00:06:15,800
- Smusher for life.
- You're such a Jar-Man.
187
00:06:15,830 --> 00:06:18,500
You don't even know
you're a Jar-Man, Jar-Man.
188
00:06:18,530 --> 00:06:20,270
- Yeah, you are.
- You're a born J-man. Come on, Winston.
189
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,100
- Uh, Cece.
- Yeah.
190
00:06:22,130 --> 00:06:24,300
Before we get started,
you want to have a quick
191
00:06:24,330 --> 00:06:25,740
Jar-Man strategy session?
192
00:06:25,770 --> 00:06:27,740
A little Jar-Jar strat sesh?
193
00:06:27,770 --> 00:06:29,410
Are you winking or farting?
194
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,910
The only strategy is... find
the spider, kill the spider,
195
00:06:31,940 --> 00:06:33,610
mount the spider's head on top of the roof
196
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,150
so all the other spiders know.
197
00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:37,320
All right. And spiderhunt!
198
00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:38,320
- Spiderhunt!
- Spiderhunt!
199
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:39,350
You find that thing...
200
00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:43,620
- you-you make sure that it's done.
- That's the plan, that's...
201
00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:45,820
Okay.
202
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,330
Hey, what do you think Jess
and Cece are talking about?
203
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,770
Oh, probably that stupid
movie theater popcorn machine
204
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,800
that Cece wants me to get for the bar.
205
00:06:56,830 --> 00:06:58,200
She keeps haranguing me about it.
206
00:06:58,230 --> 00:07:00,310
"Popcorn machine, popcorn machine."
207
00:07:00,340 --> 00:07:01,710
Look, I don't know what void
208
00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:03,380
Cece's trying to fill in her life...
209
00:07:03,410 --> 00:07:04,740
I don't know, either. Why would I know?
210
00:07:04,770 --> 00:07:06,150
You know, I don't know what
void she's trying to fill.
211
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:08,350
- It's all she wants to talk about.
- Oh.
212
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:10,180
Stupid movie theater popcorn machine.
213
00:07:10,210 --> 00:07:12,520
I'm like, "Shut up, dude." (timer dings)
214
00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:14,220
You put bologna in your Bolognese?
215
00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:15,720
Where else would it get its name?
216
00:07:15,750 --> 00:07:18,320
Trick question... it gets
it from the mayonnaise.
217
00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:23,760
(chuckling): Yeah, yeah.
218
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,130
You got it.
219
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:31,800
Do you think a good subject
line is, "The Inside of You"?
220
00:07:31,830 --> 00:07:33,040
Hey, you know, I bet I could spot this spider
221
00:07:33,070 --> 00:07:34,240
a lot better if I was on your shoulders.
222
00:07:34,270 --> 00:07:35,240
Do not ask me again
223
00:07:35,270 --> 00:07:36,380
to get on my shoulders.
224
00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:37,540
That's a once-a-year thing,
225
00:07:37,570 --> 00:07:38,980
and you already used it on Halloween,
226
00:07:39,010 --> 00:07:40,780
when we were ten-foot-tall Ralph Macchio.
227
00:07:40,810 --> 00:07:42,810
(elevator bell dings)
228
00:07:44,910 --> 00:07:47,820
SCHMIDT: Ow! Damn it!
229
00:07:47,850 --> 00:07:49,560
That was cool.
230
00:07:49,590 --> 00:07:51,160
I didn't like that. I could feel
231
00:07:51,190 --> 00:07:52,260
your genitals on the back of my neck
232
00:07:52,290 --> 00:07:53,730
like an airplane pillow.
233
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:54,760
Okay, you know what? How about this?
234
00:07:54,790 --> 00:07:56,200
I'm not sure why he did it
235
00:07:56,230 --> 00:07:57,400
but I sure am glad that God rearranged
236
00:07:57,430 --> 00:07:59,000
the letters in yam to...
237
00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:01,270
create something even sweeter.
238
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:03,100
- What?
- May.
239
00:08:03,130 --> 00:08:05,570
Oh, May, yeah. Yeah, all right.
240
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,040
Keep going, keep going.
241
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,280
Oh, dear God.
242
00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:12,010
It's left the web to feed.
243
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:13,550
All right, I'll put that.
244
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,250
Seems like a weird thing to say.
245
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,280
Lots of bars have popcorn machines.
246
00:08:17,310 --> 00:08:18,850
I really think that people would dig it.
247
00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,220
They're not that expensive.
248
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,190
And everybody loves fresh popcorn.
249
00:08:22,220 --> 00:08:23,620
Do you like somebody in the loft?
250
00:08:24,650 --> 00:08:26,390
Winston.
251
00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:29,030
Okay, what did he tell you?
252
00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:30,560
He told me you like someone
but he won't name names.
253
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:32,060
Is it Schmidt? Do you like Schmidt again?
254
00:08:32,090 --> 00:08:33,230
No. No, no, no, no, no, no,
255
00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:34,270
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
256
00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:36,270
Absolutely not. No.
257
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:37,740
Who is it then? Who?
258
00:08:37,770 --> 00:08:39,910
I want to tell you. I want to tell you so,
259
00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:41,440
like, so badly... You know me...
260
00:08:41,470 --> 00:08:42,980
I want to tell you so bad, I just, um,
261
00:08:43,010 --> 00:08:44,710
I'm very sorry, but I can't.
262
00:08:44,740 --> 00:08:46,310
Right, right, right, right,
you can't tell anybody...
263
00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:48,410
except freaking Winston!
264
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,150
That slow puzzler!
265
00:08:50,180 --> 00:08:52,250
I know. I'm lower down on the food chain
266
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:53,650
- No!
- Than Officer Cat Fancy?!
267
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,590
No. No, no, no, no. It's just I know
268
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:57,620
that you would do anything to help me,
269
00:08:57,650 --> 00:08:59,560
and in this situation,
270
00:08:59,590 --> 00:09:01,630
you know, there's just nothing to be done.
271
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:03,100
And we both know that
272
00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:04,600
you would just want to get involved.
273
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:06,600
Well, I can stay uninvolved.
274
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:07,830
I want to tell you, but I can't.
275
00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:09,000
I just can't.
276
00:09:11,270 --> 00:09:13,610
Okay. That's fine. Okay.
277
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,200
That's cool, that's cool. New teams!
278
00:09:21,110 --> 00:09:23,020
You have to tell me who she likes.
279
00:09:23,050 --> 00:09:24,680
There are no secrets
between Jar-Man and Smusher.
280
00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:26,120
Please!
281
00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:28,350
She's my best friend. You have to tell me.
282
00:09:28,380 --> 00:09:29,790
Okay.
283
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,760
Look, Jess...
284
00:09:31,790 --> 00:09:33,790
she likes me.
285
00:09:33,820 --> 00:09:36,520
It's me she wants.
286
00:09:40,530 --> 00:09:42,530
(both laughing)
287
00:09:44,030 --> 00:09:45,370
Not even for a second.
288
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,770
- I thought I was convincing.
- Yeah.
289
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:49,140
I need you to close your eyes and taste it.
290
00:09:49,170 --> 00:09:50,640
Okay.
291
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,980
Oh...
292
00:09:55,010 --> 00:09:57,180
Oh, Nick...
293
00:09:57,210 --> 00:09:59,020
It's legit terrible.
294
00:09:59,050 --> 00:10:02,360
Well, you taste for texture
not taste you big old...
295
00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:04,160
Not really what I was
looking for at this stage.
296
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:06,220
Definitely affects my confidence.
297
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:11,900
(gasps)
298
00:10:11,930 --> 00:10:14,000
Wait. Wait!
299
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,670
The only person that Cece
could like that she wouldn't
300
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:18,170
want to tell me about...
301
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,940
is Nick!
302
00:10:21,170 --> 00:10:22,740
Uh...
303
00:10:22,770 --> 00:10:25,580
Does Cece like Nick?
304
00:10:25,610 --> 00:10:26,710
Does Cece like...?
305
00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:27,780
JESS: Oh, my...
306
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,220
No...
307
00:10:31,250 --> 00:10:33,350
you guessed it.
308
00:10:33,380 --> 00:10:35,580
How you did that?
309
00:10:39,390 --> 00:10:43,380
Oh, my God. My ex-boyfriend
and my best friend?
310
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:44,450
(groans)
311
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,150
I feel like... Brenda
312
00:10:46,180 --> 00:10:48,020
when Kelly dated Dylan!
313
00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:49,980
Or the other way around.
314
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:51,550
Now I know those are the characters
315
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:53,190
from the original 90210.
316
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,320
But that's about my ceiling.
Dylan... was his nickname
317
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:56,960
the Peach Pit? 'Cause I remember...
318
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,560
I remember that being a whole thing.
319
00:10:58,590 --> 00:11:00,200
I'm sorry, I'm a little wound up.
320
00:11:00,230 --> 00:11:01,830
You should be wound up
because the Peach Pit used
321
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:04,200
to be yours, but now Brenda want a slice.
322
00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,700
Everybody trying to get a
slice of that Peach Pit.
323
00:11:05,730 --> 00:11:06,730
You have every right to be mad,
324
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,540
Jess, but just do it quietly.
325
00:11:08,570 --> 00:11:10,840
You know, just do it on
the low, do it in here.
326
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,680
30 seconds, and you haven't
brought up the popcorn machine.
327
00:11:13,710 --> 00:11:16,180
Yeah, well, I guess I'm
just gonna have to drop it.
328
00:11:16,210 --> 00:11:18,350
You know, even Jess didn't
want to hear about it,
329
00:11:18,380 --> 00:11:20,720
and she'll listen to Schmidt
discussing Andy Cohen
330
00:11:20,750 --> 00:11:23,020
discussing Bethenny discussing NeNe.
331
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:25,020
Well, great, I'm glad that's behind us.
332
00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:26,550
Yeah.
333
00:11:26,580 --> 00:11:28,920
Now let's never speak of
popcorn machines again.
334
00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:30,830
Cece and Nick?
335
00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:32,420
Cece likes Nick?
336
00:11:33,690 --> 00:11:35,500
Cece likes Nick?!
337
00:11:35,530 --> 00:11:37,000
I mean, I guess I understand it
338
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,000
'cause they're at the bar together
339
00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:40,600
and once you start sharing tips,
340
00:11:40,630 --> 00:11:42,070
- where does the sharing end?
- Look...
341
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,910
Jess, it's not that big of a deal.
342
00:11:43,940 --> 00:11:46,340
Because we all just cats and
dogs at the end of the day.
343
00:11:46,370 --> 00:11:48,680
What about Schmidt?
Schmidt's Nick's best friend,
344
00:11:48,710 --> 00:11:51,110
and Schmidt and Cece have a history.
345
00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:52,680
Look at the memory on you.
346
00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:54,180
- I'm gonna have to help Schmidt through this.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
347
00:11:54,210 --> 00:11:56,890
Look, Jess, you can't talk to
Schmidt about Cece liking Nick.
348
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,920
- Come on.
- No, you're right. I have to talk to Cece first.
349
00:11:58,950 --> 00:12:01,120
Right, you got to talk to Ce...
No, wait, no. No, no, no, no,
350
00:12:01,150 --> 00:12:03,530
no, no, no. Jess, you can't talk to Cece
351
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,530
because Cece, you know, and Nick,
352
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,230
they just won't work. 'Cause
I was talking to Nick.
353
00:12:09,260 --> 00:12:12,070
He said, "Winston." I was like,
"What's up, Nick?" He said...
354
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:13,900
What?
355
00:12:13,930 --> 00:12:15,270
He said she ugly.
356
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:17,610
He said what?!
357
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,070
Yeah, he said she look like a
dang ol' meatball with hair.
358
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,280
New teams!
359
00:12:21,310 --> 00:12:22,380
JESS: You know who's great?
360
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,280
Cece. One of our finest.
361
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:25,510
Lovely woman.
362
00:12:28,010 --> 00:12:30,080
And she has so much to offer.
363
00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:33,620
Is that what this is about?
364
00:12:33,650 --> 00:12:35,620
She sends you to sell me on it?
365
00:12:35,650 --> 00:12:38,890
No, Nick. She doesn't know I'm
talking to you at all. Wait.
366
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,900
You guys have talked about it?
367
00:12:40,930 --> 00:12:42,160
All the time.
368
00:12:42,190 --> 00:12:43,400
But I thought
369
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,330
she and I had come to a decision.
370
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,900
- Which is?
- It's not happening.
371
00:12:47,930 --> 00:12:50,610
Well, why not? 'Cause I'm not interested.
372
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,110
And I know it's not cool to say, but...
373
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:55,280
I don't like the way it would look.
374
00:12:55,310 --> 00:12:58,110
People are gonna say what they're
gonna say. They're not reasons
375
00:12:58,140 --> 00:13:01,020
- not to go through with it.
- Fine. You want to know my biggest concern?
376
00:13:01,050 --> 00:13:04,050
My biggest concern is the smell.
377
00:13:05,380 --> 00:13:07,360
The smell?
378
00:13:07,390 --> 00:13:08,590
The smell of it.
379
00:13:08,620 --> 00:13:10,360
Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault.
380
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:14,000
I mean, they all smell. I've told her that.
381
00:13:14,030 --> 00:13:16,600
- You told Cece you think all women...
- Don't make this
382
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:19,430
- a feminist thing...
- It... I'm not making it a feminist thing.
383
00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:22,140
How? They smell terrible.
It's common knowledge.
384
00:13:22,170 --> 00:13:25,140
I thought your biggest concern would be
how it affected the people around you.
385
00:13:25,170 --> 00:13:27,310
- I mean, sure, a bunch of old drunks will grab at it...
- But if your biggest concern
386
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:31,380
is the smell, I'm sure
that's highly manageable.
387
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,980
Yeah, I guess there's, like,
special solvents and soaps.
388
00:13:34,010 --> 00:13:36,850
I-I haven't read up on it that much.
389
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:40,460
You know, but you got to really
get in there and scrub it out.
390
00:13:40,490 --> 00:13:42,660
It's disgusting.
391
00:13:42,690 --> 00:13:47,000
You know, 'cause of the daily
wear and tear and... oil
392
00:13:47,030 --> 00:13:49,830
and grease just cooking in there.
393
00:13:49,860 --> 00:13:53,400
It's enough to make a man
barf thinking about it.
394
00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:55,570
I mean, they get really hot.
395
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,240
- I know what temperature it gets.
- Hot..
396
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:58,910
But if I'm being honest, you know...
397
00:13:58,940 --> 00:14:00,840
And I haven't talked to
her about this... but...
398
00:14:00,870 --> 00:14:03,510
I do have good memories
associated with the smell.
399
00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:05,650
Ball games, the circus,
400
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,380
hanging with my dad.
401
00:14:07,410 --> 00:14:09,650
Listen here, you idiot. I've known Cece
402
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,320
a very long time, and I can promise you
403
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,390
- the smell will not be a problem.
- That's really easy
404
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,160
for you to say 'cause you're
not the one who's gonna have
405
00:14:15,190 --> 00:14:16,490
to remind her to clean it all the time.
406
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:18,490
I promise you,
407
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,400
if it becomes a problem...
408
00:14:20,430 --> 00:14:23,230
- I will remind her.
- Well,
409
00:14:23,260 --> 00:14:26,430
if you remind her and she doesn't do it,
410
00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:30,070
I don't want you sneaking
around and cleaning it yourself.
411
00:14:30,100 --> 00:14:31,770
(scoffs) Nick.
412
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,710
I'm a good friend, but I am
not that good of a friend.
413
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,080
"...that a dream house is a house,
414
00:14:36,110 --> 00:14:37,610
but a dreamboat is a person."
415
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,850
I mean, it does speak to the soul.
416
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,120
Hey, what are these? I've always wondered.
417
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:45,420
- Those are grapes.
- Uh, they're our glass grapes, bro.
418
00:14:45,450 --> 00:14:47,420
- Grapes?
- Brings the whole, like, room together.
419
00:14:47,450 --> 00:14:49,120
What the hell they doing in the loft?
420
00:14:49,150 --> 00:14:52,230
Cece, um, do ladies have loins?
421
00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:54,630
You know, it's like I've never
looked around this house before.
422
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:57,430
Skimboards, a boxing glove.
423
00:14:57,460 --> 00:14:59,430
Who in this loft has been
to a single Coachella,
424
00:14:59,460 --> 00:15:01,040
let alone six of them?
425
00:15:01,070 --> 00:15:03,040
Don't tell Cece that we talked.
426
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,810
She doesn't want me getting involved.
427
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:06,440
Of course she does, she just didn't think
428
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:08,080
you were into the idea, okay?
429
00:15:08,110 --> 00:15:09,470
She really values your opinion.
430
00:15:13,510 --> 00:15:15,120
What if you guys had a r...
431
00:15:15,150 --> 00:15:17,120
a r-real talk?
432
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,550
You know, outside of the bar.
433
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:20,960
All right.
434
00:15:20,990 --> 00:15:23,560
We'll talk, just the two
of us, outside the bar.
435
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,660
I'm proud of you, Nick.
436
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,660
Just make sure she makes her case
437
00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:28,660
about facts and figures.
438
00:15:28,690 --> 00:15:30,300
And no more of this, "Come on, Nick,
439
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,830
it tastes so yummy" crap.
440
00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:33,200
New teams!
441
00:15:35,730 --> 00:15:39,910
♪ I want to do something
freaky to you... ♪
442
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,810
♪
♪ No one can resist
443
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,910
my "Get Frisky" playlist, guys.
444
00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:46,310
Just give in.
445
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:47,320
Give in.
446
00:15:47,350 --> 00:15:48,580
I support it.
447
00:15:48,610 --> 00:15:51,790
"To whom it may concern."
448
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,090
- That's good.
- I like that.
449
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,320
Wait a minute, is your e-mail
address owwMeSoErnie@coolidge?
450
00:15:56,350 --> 00:15:58,160
- Still?
- Yeah, man. Picked it in college.
451
00:15:58,190 --> 00:16:01,200
It's just gonna follow me
from job to job, ISP to ISP.
452
00:16:01,230 --> 00:16:03,300
We've been everywhere together, brotha.
453
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,130
- Never done .org or a .gov.
- Oh.
454
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,630
- I would never do that.
- Right.
455
00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:07,640
But every other damn domain.
456
00:16:07,670 --> 00:16:09,600
You can't e-mail a girl like May
457
00:16:09,630 --> 00:16:12,370
from an e-mail address like owwMeSoErnie.
458
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:15,310
Although, you did got a job at
a school, so, what do I know?
459
00:16:15,340 --> 00:16:18,780
I must really like this girl, huh?
460
00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:20,720
Okay, it says here,
461
00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:23,350
we need "a murder of peppercorn," and a...
462
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:25,720
and "some of that flat Jew bread"?
463
00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:29,190
Miller family!
464
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:30,490
Murder is over there.
465
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:34,730
(gasps)
466
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,030
♪
♪ it could be
something really beautiful,
467
00:16:37,060 --> 00:16:38,970
and you-you won't know unless you try.
468
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,040
Okay! Jess!
469
00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:43,170
You don't have to trap me in your room.
470
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:47,140
We will, on a trial basis,
rent a popcorn machine.
471
00:16:47,170 --> 00:16:49,180
Okay?
472
00:16:49,210 --> 00:16:51,580
(sniffing)
473
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:53,920
Something's wrong with my Sauce.
474
00:16:53,950 --> 00:16:55,150
My Sauce!
475
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,350
Hey.
476
00:16:57,380 --> 00:16:58,490
Hey.
477
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,820
- You...?
- I...
478
00:17:00,850 --> 00:17:03,760
- With him?
- ♪ Good times! ♪
479
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,830
Winston.
480
00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:07,660
Wh-Where'd it go?
481
00:17:08,690 --> 00:17:10,170
How long has this been unstirred?!
482
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,830
40 seconds. 45 tops.
483
00:17:11,860 --> 00:17:12,960
Is it 40 or 45?
484
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:18,740
Spider! (yelling)
485
00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:21,180
- Schmidt! Schmidt!
- Whoa!
486
00:17:21,210 --> 00:17:22,880
- Come on, man!
- No! Aah!
487
00:17:22,910 --> 00:17:24,280
(yelling) Hey! Hey!
488
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:25,780
- Hey, it's gone.
- Get him!
489
00:17:25,810 --> 00:17:27,080
It's gone. It's gone. It's
gone. It can't hurt you.
490
00:17:27,110 --> 00:17:28,750
- It can't hurt you.
- Where is... where is the body?!
491
00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:30,590
He was headed straight for The Sauce!
492
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:32,350
Can you imagine how powerful
that spider would've become
493
00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:33,780
had he entered my Sauce?
494
00:17:35,450 --> 00:17:37,290
- Did I break it?
- You sent all 15 drafts
495
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,960
of my e-mail to May.
496
00:17:38,990 --> 00:17:41,200
She's gonna think I'm crazy.
497
00:17:41,230 --> 00:17:42,430
WINSTON: Way I see it,
498
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:44,130
we got two options. (sighs)
499
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:45,770
All right, well, what
are the two options, man?
500
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,800
I mean, you know, just, you
got to just dive in, you know?
501
00:17:47,830 --> 00:17:50,210
No, you don't have any options.
I don't have any options.
502
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,140
- Sometimes you don't have to talk.
- I'm really sorry, Coach.
503
00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:53,910
I-I'll make it up to you.
504
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,810
But the good news is, is
we got that spider, huh?
505
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,910
Don't have to worry about that thing anymore.
506
00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:04,250
What? What are you guys trying to tell me?
507
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,120
So, it is Schmidt?
508
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:08,920
Yeah.
509
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,130
- I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but...
- No, it's okay. It's okay.
510
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,900
Look, I promise I won't tell him.
511
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:20,270
- Nobody's gonna tell him.
- Okay.
512
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,670
NICK: Hey, somebody tell him.
513
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:23,410
You tell him, but easy.
514
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,310
- Tell him.
- COACH: I don't want to tell him, dude. You tell him.
515
00:18:25,340 --> 00:18:26,570
We're all his best friends. Tell him.
516
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:27,840
I think I'm pretty good with it now.
517
00:18:27,870 --> 00:18:29,010
Hey, Schmidt, I...
518
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:29,980
- I mean, spiders and all.
- NICK: Tell him!
519
00:18:30,010 --> 00:18:31,150
WINSTON: I don't want to tell him.
520
00:18:31,180 --> 00:18:32,250
NICK: Somebody just tell him!
521
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,180
Guys, just tell me.
522
00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:36,480
- You're being so dramatic right now.
- You have a spider on your face.
523
00:18:36,510 --> 00:18:37,780
What are you talking about?
524
00:18:41,450 --> 00:18:44,860
(loud, high-pitched screaming)
525
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:49,590
SCHMIDT (high-pitched scream): I touched it!
526
00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:50,920
- Get it off!
- Okay. - Oh!
527
00:18:50,950 --> 00:18:52,290
Don't touch me! (indistinct chatter)
528
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,260
Don't touch me! Get it off! Get it off of me!
529
00:18:54,290 --> 00:18:56,660
Get it away from me! Get it off!
530
00:18:56,690 --> 00:18:57,960
- Get it off!
- Hey, hey, the spider.
531
00:18:57,990 --> 00:18:59,200
Get it off! Don't touch!
532
00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:01,430
- Hello.
- Don't touch! Get it off of me!
533
00:19:01,460 --> 00:19:02,870
Get it...!
534
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:03,930
Schmidt.
535
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,340
- Hold still.
- COACH: Aah!
536
00:19:05,370 --> 00:19:07,540
- Oh! Oh!
- WINSTON: Oh...
537
00:19:07,570 --> 00:19:08,600
SCHMIDT: Ah!
538
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,180
What's up now, spider?
539
00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:13,640
Vote Moscato!
540
00:19:13,670 --> 00:19:16,110
(laughing): Well, it can't hear you.
541
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:17,780
But, seriously, vote Moscato.
542
00:19:17,810 --> 00:19:19,620
So, that guy, huh?
543
00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:21,020
Yeah. Can you blame me?
544
00:19:21,050 --> 00:19:22,950
He's perfect.
545
00:19:22,980 --> 00:19:24,360
FAWN: And when is dinner? Is it, um...?
546
00:19:24,390 --> 00:19:26,290
- NICK: The Sauce! Sauce.
- The Sauce.
547
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,830
- Yeah. 'Cause Fawn's hungry.
- COACH: My e-mails.
548
00:19:27,860 --> 00:19:29,830
I'm about to pick you up with a
tissue like you wouldn't believe!
549
00:19:29,860 --> 00:19:31,160
So, what's the plan?
550
00:19:31,190 --> 00:19:32,500
Jess. I'm gonna pick you up
551
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:33,560
with a tissue so hard!
552
00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:34,970
He's happy. He has a girlfriend.
553
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,370
SCHMIDT: Yeah, spi-spider!
554
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,200
I know, but it's you,
555
00:19:38,230 --> 00:19:40,340
and Fawn kind of scares me.
556
00:19:40,370 --> 00:19:42,970
Let this be a warning to
all your other little, uh,
557
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,410
spider friends hiding out, too.
558
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,510
(Schmidt continues) I know that
would do anything for anybody,
559
00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:49,950
but right now, I just need you to...
560
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:53,120
be there for me and hold my hand, okay?
561
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:54,490
That's all.
562
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,350
Little half-insects, half-lobsters.
563
00:19:56,380 --> 00:19:58,260
Ah...
564
00:19:58,290 --> 00:20:00,590
I really want to do something.
565
00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:03,590
Don't go up the spout if you
can't handle the rain, s-spider!
566
00:20:03,620 --> 00:20:05,260
Okay, well, you've done it.
567
00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:06,700
The perfect burn of the dead bug.
568
00:20:06,730 --> 00:20:09,400
- Yeah, that's right.
- Now stop. (quietly): Okay.
569
00:20:10,430 --> 00:20:12,900
The Sauce is shockingly great.
570
00:20:12,930 --> 00:20:14,170
FAWN: This tastes
571
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:18,080
like the inside of a bear,
572
00:20:18,110 --> 00:20:20,640
and that is a compliment, my friend.
573
00:20:20,670 --> 00:20:21,950
SCHMIDT: All right.
574
00:20:21,980 --> 00:20:23,280
I... Oh.
575
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,880
Oh. May responded to my e-mails.
576
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:31,120
"I appreciate how much
effort you put into these.
577
00:20:31,150 --> 00:20:33,060
I'd love to go out."
578
00:20:33,090 --> 00:20:34,060
- Hey.
- Great.
579
00:20:34,090 --> 00:20:35,030
All right.
580
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:36,690
- There you go.
- Yeah!
581
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:37,600
Uh, you're welcome.
582
00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:39,290
This is great guys, right?
583
00:20:40,330 --> 00:20:42,070
- To Fawn.
- Oh.
584
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:43,400
SCHMIDT: A woman who likes me
585
00:20:43,430 --> 00:20:44,800
not in spite,
586
00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:47,400
but because of my flaws.
587
00:20:47,430 --> 00:20:48,270
I do like you.
588
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:50,840
But I hate your flaws.
589
00:20:51,770 --> 00:20:53,310
And to all my friends.
590
00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:56,240
In the spiderhunt of life...
591
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,150
I sure am glad that we're a team of six.
592
00:21:02,180 --> 00:21:03,490
- Cheers!
- Hey! Hey!
593
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:04,460
To those who...
594
00:21:04,490 --> 00:21:05,890
Okay. No, that's good.
595
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:07,650
- And thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you.
596
00:21:21,870 --> 00:21:22,940
COACH: All right, here we go.
597
00:21:22,970 --> 00:21:24,600
- SCHMIDT: Ow.
- Oh.
598
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,560
Yeah, sweep the leg, Johnny.
599
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:46,610
Oh, God.
600
00:21:47,710 --> 00:21:48,820
All right.
601
00:21:50,380 --> 00:21:51,800
Get off of me.