The Jack and Triumph Show
is taped in front of the world's largest neck beard.
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com
♪ Ba-da, Ba-da-dee-do-dee-da-da ♪
Hey, Junie, look.
♪ Ba-da-dee-do-dee-do ♪
You got another Animal Award in the mail.
The American Society to Make All Wolves Vegetarians
certainly has taste.
You can make wolves stop eating meat?
Oh, yes, you can.
For about a week, and then they die.
But we're making progress.
"June Gregory, star of Triumph's Boy."
(laughs) Wait.
What's Triumph's Boy?
Oh, that's a TV show that we all were in.
Oh, probably before your time.
It was about a boy and his dog.
Oh. Like Lassie.
(sighs)
I don't know what that is.
But I do know that even though it was fun while it lasted,
that period of my life is behind me,
and I'm better off for it.
Show business wasn't too good to my Jacky.
(sighs)
(up-tempo music plays)
It was a wholesome family show,
and we all cared about each other
as much off-camera as we did on it.
But as the years went by...
Triumph!
Jack grew from a boy into a young man.
Triumph!
We ran 11 seasons.
Triumph!
Nine might have been better.
After the show got cancelled,
Jack had plenty of free time and precious little guidance,
except for his friend Triumph.
They ran with some wild people,
like Joey Fatone, Tony Little,
and Michael Winslow.
Jack still had his inner sweetness,
but he had been led astray.
My goodness, it is amazing
what you can hold down with duct tape these days.
Around this time, it was explained to me... (whistles)
that my parents had squandered my earnings,
but my good buddy Triumph helped me make my way.
You like? Nice. Yes?
Well, thank you for your courtesy.
With customers like you, I may use my hand,
but it sure doesn't feel like a job.
But it was never easy,
and I did things I wasn't proud of.
Give it up, greasy.
Once we burned our bridges
with both the business and the homeless communities,
we came here.
I told Jack, "You can stay as long as you like,
but no more show business."
Moving in with June and Triumph
was the best thing that ever happened to me.
We were a real family.
But then, something happened.
June had arranged for me
to go on an exciting trip with Wilderness Bound.
Triumph couldn't go because...
Uh, because dogs hate nature.
Which I had no idea about.
- There he goes. Yes? - Hey, Triumph.
Petsmart's having a sale on used kitty litter.
Really? I'm in. (laughs)
That afternoon, Triumph went out for cigars.
(up-tempo music plays) Everything okay back there?
Oh, yes.
This game where you reattach Marmaduke's nutsack --
It's incredible!
I thought you'd like it.
Oh, I love it.
Hang on, Marmaduke.
You'll reproduce again yet.
I waited and waited for him to come home,
but poor, dear Triumph never came home at all.
(laughing) This...
(music stops) Bingo! What?
Hey.
Wait a minute.
This isn't Petsmart.
Get out.
Get out? What are you thinking?
Hey! Hey! (growls)
Hey!
June!
Think of this like
you were in a two-piece bathing suit...
You'll never get away with it.
(tires squeal)
And I'd have to say the worst part
was having to give Jack the bad news. (door opens)
Junie!
(laughs)
(smooches) Where's Triumph? (whistles)
Oh, Triumph's gone.
He just left this afternoon.
He said something about getting cigars?
(sighs)
(weakly) Jack.
(sniffing)
And even though we never found out
what happened to Triumph,
I was able to teach Jack
about the simple pleasures of a normal life.
There's just so much in this big world
that being a child actor doesn't prepare you for.
After all these years, I still wonder about Triumph.
(sniffing)
(bell dings)
(sniffing)
(coin jingles)
(sniffing)
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
Look! it's a dog!
Jack!
Triumph!
Ja-a-a-a-a-ck!
Ah! Triumph!
(both laugh)
I missed this disturbing activity so much.
I've missed you!
- Where have you been? (laughing) - Oh!
Yeah, Triumph. Tell us where you've--
(gasps) Oh, no.
Oh, the room is spinning.
Oh. Huh? June!
June, are you okay?
I'm so confused.
Can you go up to my room and find my yellow pills?
Yes, ma'am. You bet.
Uh, help him, Tracy.
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
You mean why aren't I dead, You murdering bitch?!
Murder?
If I wanted you killed,
I would have sprinkled rat poison all over your balls.
(scoffs)
You think you're so smart.
You may look like a trans Michael Moore,
but I outfoxed you!
(laughing) Yes.
What do you want? Money?
Now, I've tossed all your sex toys.
If you're still looking for the plaster cast
of Al Roker's leg, it's long gone.
You bitch!
That leg was from the fat years!
They don't make those models anymore!
I'll tell you what I want.
I'm moving in.
You think I'd let you near Jack again?
You're insane.
What? He needs a masculine influence.
And whatever you have growing on your upper lip doesn't count.
Beat it, asshole.
If you don't get out of here now, I'm gonna yell "Rape."
Why don't you yell "Bigfoot"?
It's slightly more believable.
I'm just gonna throw you out.
Ooh! Fine, fine.
Then I'll just tell Jack what you did to me.
And he'll know you're a big phony...
Animal-rights Betty White. "Look at me."
You wouldn't rat on me. I thought you had pride.
I got rid of that outside of Billings
when I had to blow a coyote for shelter!
Okay.
Shh.
June. June, we found your pills.
Oh. No, Jack.
Those are decorative lemons, but thank you.
Tell him the good news, June!
(laughs)
Oh, right. Of course.
Your friend Triumph,
the same friend who sold into white slavery
to pay for his premium cable package,
is going to move back in with us.
Yay! (squeals)
(laughs) Oh, Triumph. (panting)
You can come stay in my room
until we get your old bed set up.
Oh, no, no. I'm good, I'm good.
Oh, Michael.
(imitating doorbell)
Hi, everybody.
Michael Winslow?!
Yes.
From Police Academies One through Seven!
Yep. Michael and I ran into each other
while dumpster diving behind a P.F. Chang's in Scottsdale.
Yeah. Remember that?
(meowing)
(Asian accent) Cat, get back in pot. You not done.
Yes.
Michael can re-create any sound in the world,
except the sound of a casting director saying yes.
Uh, hey, June.
Can I take Triumph upstairs to show him something?
Oh, sure, Jack.
(normal voice) Perfect.
Time for me and June to get acquainted.
(laughs)
What up, girl?
(chuckles)
Oh, Tracy, that reminds me.
Why don't you go get my angina butter?
Listen, no monkey business, Winslow.
This state has very tough necrophilia laws.
Come on, buddy.
Jack, uh, leave your door open.
I want to be able to hear everything
that dog's telling you.
Great.
So I can hear Michael beatbox into that echo chamber
you call a vagina?
Absolutely not!
Go!
(imitating video game ending)
What have you been doing for the past 15 years?
(sighs)
You know... Just being happy with what I have
and not praying for the death of big-time animal stars
like the horse from War Horse...
or all those talented deformed cats on YouTube...
or Nancy Grace.
Well, good for you.
And you. You work at the museum now, huh?
That must be cool.
You must be swimming in lanyards.
Well...
I can't lie.
It's pretty amazing.
Lately, I think I've sort of become the guy
everyone knows to ask
when they want to know where the bathroom is.
I'm proud of you.
You're doing work that is usually only reserved
for senior citizen or signs.
You know what I sometimes missed, though, you know,
I don't know, occasionally, also is, uh, acting.
Acting? Ugh. no.
That was a life full of sin, ego,
and uninvited back rubs from Aaron Spelling.
I don't miss that one bit.
(squeals) (laughs)
Oh, gosh, Michael. You make me laugh.
(both laugh)
And I don't mean the nervous laugh
I get around most black men.
(laughs)
Well, careful, baby.
You're gonna give me a swelled head.
(laughs)
Not as swollen as my ankles.
(laughs)
(French accent) It looks like someone needs a massage.
(laughing) Oh.
(humming yoga music)
Ah.
Look.
It's all our old stuff from Triumph's Boy.
Oh.
But I thought June didn't let you keep mementos.
Well, I haven't exactly told June about this,
But I like some of these old memories.
Hey, look.
It's the wire they used to wrap around my testicles
to get me to pant on cue.
Yep.
(cellphone chimes) Oh.
Oh. Yikes. It's 8:30.
I got to get to the museum.
That information desk doesn't sit quietly by itself. (laughs)
Come on, buddy.
Jug-blowing jackrabbits.
Triumph!
We've been robbed!
June. June, who did this to you?
Oh, yes.
Winslow, magic hands.
Wait.
A note.
"If you want to see your furniture again,
"bring $2,000 to the Vons on Sunset.
"Ask the manager to see Dr. W.
"I will come out making a creaking-door sound.
"You will give me the money,
"and I will make a cash-register cha-ching sound.
"Then I will give you the furniture.
"Sorry. I don't have a furniture sound."
"Yours, Michael 'Sputtering Nonsense Noise' Winslow."
(sighs) $2,000? I can't afford that.
Wait a minute.
On the way here,
I saw an autograph convention at the Hyatt.
There's probably some fans of our old show.
We could sell our autographs
and make enough money to buy back the furniture.
Triumph, that's actually--
(clicks tongue) No, no. I can't.
I made a promise to June to stay out of show business.
If I signed autographs with you, it would break her heart.
But hold on, hold on.
As soon as you're done, you can quit show business again.
She'd love that.
You're right.
She loves it when I quit show business.
Okay. I'll do it, for June.
All right, we're back on the game.
I mean, to get the furniture back, is why.
We got to find a place to go.
Wait. Now, who's this guy?
I'm Tay Zonday.
- I did a song on the internet. - Of course.
What? You do what?
♪ Chocolate rain ♪
Holy shit.
Sorry for staring at you.
I don't mean to stare, Tay. It's--
It's just usually when I see someone who looks like you,
he's sitting on a ventriloquist's lap.
Oh.
But, look, Jack. Look what's over here.
What is that? Look at this.
This is all our stuff. Yes.
Did they know we were coming?
What? No.
A lot of time, they just set these booths up just in case.
You know, one year, Helen Hunt showed up,
and when she saw there was no Mad About You booth,
- she went on a shooting spree. - Oh.
Well, I guess with all the joy
that she brought to the world, It sort of evened out.
Yeah. Exactly.
Step right up, folks.
Triumph's Boy. Original stars.
Jack Malicki, former child star.
Went through some hard times.
Had sex with Asian businessmen.
Nothing?
This is insane!
All right. we've got to show these people
the kind of losers they're lining up for.
Okay.
Oh, look at this. It's Hulk Hogan.
Hey, Hulk.
What's your favorite fight move now?
The suplex or the Denny's customer complaint e-mail?
Oh, look at this. Okay.
Judging by the fans, I guess Hulkamania
is some form of type-2 diabetes.
I'm sorry. I'm sure you get asked this all the time,
but who the [bleep] are you?
Yeah. uh, here.
Man, if this will help, uh, explain it...
That's it. Yeah.
You're -- You're -- You're, uh, Data.
That's correct.
Do you need a light?
No, no. I'm good. I'm just transfixed by you.
You like to chew on it.
I'm thinking of the old Data from the '80s.
You've clearly been aging at warp speed.
I have to say, I really admire you,
- because in 15 years... - Yes?
...you know, you did Star Trek for all those years,
and yet, after it went off,
you never became a victim of typecasting.
No, it's true.
Or any casting for that matter.
Good news is, there's a parallel universe
where you're still working.
(laughs)
Oh. There we go.
Okay. Step right up.
Former child star Jack Malicki.
Happy ending with the former child star.
Come on. What's the deal?
Okay. Let's get this in here.
They're scared.
They need to be suckered in, the cheap stuff.
(laughs)
- Look what we're doing for June. - You're right.
There you are. Thank you.
Get up. Get up here.
Here we go. I'm your mommy.
Okay. put these on. Uh...
This is it.
Yes. (sighs)
You have to be... (laughs)
He's... (laughs)
(laughing) What is wrong? It's for June.
- Just try and think that. - Oh, my God. This is hilarious.
Think that. He paid 25 bucks for this.
Look happy.
(crowd cheering) Yes. Yes.
No teeth, no teeth. Nice.
Yes, yes, yes.
Suck on that, Chocolate Rain.
We really came through for June, Triumph.
We sure did.
Doesn't it feel great? It does.
And we're in show business, but mostly, it's June.
Amen. Great!
(gasps) Oh, no.
It's that thief I always confuse with Ernie Hudson.
Hey, Winslow. How's it going?
Pretty good, man.
Um, Police Academy table from Academy 4 over here.
Spaceballs couch over here.
Uh, okay. Wait a second.
Are you two in cahoots?
Oh, don't worry.
Winslow's cutting us in -- 50/50.
(imitates buzzer) Unh-unh.
You said 70/30, man.
Bullshit! It's my furniture.
Uh, actually, It's Junie's furniture.
(imitates gun cocking)
You feel lucky?
Triumph, what is the deal with this dude?
All right. (imitating switchblade opening)
(Asian accent) You no pay, You die, round eyes.
Oh, no.
He's hitting us with his most terrifying weapon.
Karate?
No.
Comedy from 1983.
Wow.
Damn you.
He must have gone full-on crazy
when Steven Guttenberg stopped answering his calls
20 years ago.
You no good, I no good... Either.
(imitating gun cocking)
Please, Jack, avert your eyes.
(breathes deeply) No, Triumph.
Nobody imaginarily threatens my best friend.
(sputtering)
(groaning)
(grunts)
Put down the imaginary gun
and the imaginary knife, Winslow.
There's a 10-second countdown on this detonator.
You put them down,
or I will blow this place to smithereens!
(imitating beep)
(British accent) Countdown initiated.
(imitating beep)
10 (clicks tongue) 9 (clicks tongue) 8...
What the [bleep] is going on?
It's the power of imagination, Triumph.
...6 (clicks tongue) 5 (clicks tongue)...
(normal voice) Man, you crazy, man!
Crazy enough to die for my friend.
You know, how about I just kill myself right now?
Please. fine.
I'll do it, I swear.
(as Eddie Murphy) Be cool, man. I'm gonna be Eddie Murphy.
I'm gonna put the shit down, man.
I'm gonna put the shit down. I'm putting the... down, man.
Now, I'm a switch.
(as Chris Tucker) I'm gonna be Chris Tucker, man.
Man, what you want to shoot me for, man? man?
Disengage.
(imitating beep)
(distorted voice) No.
Thank you very much.
Ha ha ha!
Thank God.
He was running out of black comedians to copy.
Yeah!
Yes! Yes!
(imitating robotic whirring) Oh.
Oh, no. (growls)
He's not serious.
Seriously, Jack.
Jack, don't indulge him.
Well, he's not stopping, Triumph.
Oh, God. I hate to do this.
Stage manager.
Come here, quickly.
Thank you. Just take him out.
(barking) Just take him out. Thanks.
What?! You can't kick me out of here!
You can't do this.
There you go. Can you?
(barking) All the way.
Michael Winslow... There he goes.
Yes.
(sighs)
He's 33rd Street's problem now. (laughs)
Well, what are we gonna do About all of Junie's furniture?
Oh, I got someone who can help us.
♪ Ya-ba-da-boo-bop-bee-ba ♪
All right, fellas. Here we go.
A beer for the nice man who breastfed me,
uh, grape juice for this realistic wax statue,
and a protein shake for the nice, buff lady.
(laughs)
And, by the way, ma'am,
thank you so much for the lovely new furniture.
Oh, oh. Look, everybody.
June's up.
Something looks different in this room.
Oh, no, June.
It's just you're always confused when you wake up.
See? I'm just relaxing in my favorite reading chair.
Wait a minute. That's not a reading chair.
That's what you hang your clothes on in the '90s.
Oh.
You want to know how to do this?
- Uh, I... - Sure, you do.
- Okay. - Just like this.
Yeah.
Get it. Feel the movement?
Uh, this is great.
I can already feel it making me uneasy.
Quite the young man we're raising, huh, June?
One day with you,
and he's already being raped by hippies.
You know, I should really take you down.
Screw you. I'm here to stay, bitch...
Because Jack and I
are like Chris Christie's legs in a coach seat...
We can't be separated.
♪ Ba-doo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doo-ba ♪
Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com