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Previously on "The Last Man on Earth".
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The fate of the human
race is depending on us.
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Just say what you're trying to say.
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Repopulation, you dumb donkey.
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I'm not gonna have sex
with you unless we're married.
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Fine. Will you marry me?
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- Yes, I will!
- You will?
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- Yes!
- Oh!
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Do you, Carol, take me, Phil,
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- to be your husband?
- Yes, I do.
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And do you,
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Phil, take me, Carol, to be your wife?
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Hmm?
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I do?
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Oh.
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It's official.
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We're married!
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Aren't you excited?
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It's a friggin' fairy tale.
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Oh, Hardy har har, Phil.
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What? I'm-I'm sorry. It's just...
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I mean, this is so stupid.
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I mean, why do we have to cling to
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the old traditions, huh?
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We're the last two people on earth.
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No, we're not, silly.
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No...!
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Everyone's still dead.
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Oh, thank God.
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Knockety, knock, knock knock, knock!
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Yeah, uh, heard the actual knocks, too.
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Well, I'd say, "are you decent?"
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But I know that you never are.
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- Zing!
- Hee Hee Hee Hee.
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Sorry to roast you so hard.
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I made you a special meal
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in honor of our wedding tomorrow.
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Think you could clear off all
your dirty little magazines
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for me so we could eat?
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Uh... sure.
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You know all these girls were molested.
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So, Phil, I was thinking...
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Since the President of
the United States is dead
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and we're the last two people on earth,
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one of us should probably be the
President of the United States.
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Fine, Carol.
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You be the President.
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That is so sweet, but I could never.
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I have a fear of public speaking.
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Fine, Carol, I'm the President.
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I don't know, we should
probably have a vote.
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Okay, let's have a vote.
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Like secret ballot?
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Whatever you want.
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I vote for you.
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I vote for me, too.
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Well, it's unanimous!
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I don't think that's ever happened before.
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Aren't you excited?
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I'm so jazzed.
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Now, I made you a very special dish.
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It's spaghetti, but instead of meatballs,
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it's Raisin Balls.
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Hmm?
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They look the same,
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but they taste very different.
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There's more here,
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if you don't feel like you got enough.
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No, that's... this is a good portion.
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Do you want to know what they symbolize?
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Uh...
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Yes.
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So I'm the kind of gal
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who tries to make the best of things.
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And since meatballs
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will never, ever exist again,
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I said, "Carol, get your hands up,
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"grab some raisins,
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and you smash them into a ball, girl."
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Yeah.
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Carol, are you really
gonna make us get married?
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Do you want the earth to be littered
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with dozens of bastard
children? Didn't think so.
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You didn't give me time to answer that.
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Phil, the wedding is happening,
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so let's just make it nice.
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Now, I'm taking care of
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the whole shebang.
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I just need you to do one thing for me.
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I need you to get the rings.
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That's it.
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I'll get the rings.
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Great.
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I know we're not each other's soul mates...
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Parentheses meatballs...
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But if we give it a little effort,
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perhaps we can make it work, huh?
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Parentheses Raisin Balls.
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So we might as well dig
in to the Raisin Balls...
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Parentheses life... we've been given.
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Mmm...
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These don't...
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These have turned.
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Hmm.
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- You might want to just eat around them.
- Yeah.
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Thank you for the warning.
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Now, take this walkie-talkie here
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in case you need to
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get ahold of me, or vice versa,
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'cause I'm gonna be working like crazy
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to pull this off.
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You know what? We should do
a quick walkie check, I think.
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Go for Carol.
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Go for Carol.
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Phil, go for me.
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Go for Phil.
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It works.
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Okay, I'm gonna leave you alone,
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'cause it's your last night as a free man.
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Probably want to...
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Masturbate to your magazines and such.
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But I just want you to know...
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I'm gonna make a really great wife.
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I'm sure you will, Carol.
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Bye-bye.
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All right, Craftworks.
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Let's plan a wedding.
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Now this is a bachelor party, huh?
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To the death of my single life.
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Uh... oh, Gary!
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Looks like you need a little heater there.
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Let's see.
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Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry!
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♪ She's wearing my ring ♪
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♪ Though not made of gold ♪
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♪ It tells me she's mine ♪
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♪ To have and hold ♪
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♪ A little thin band ♪
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♪ Her finger, left hand ♪
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♪ A dime store wedding ring ♪
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♪ It tells me our love ♪
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♪ Is young and strong ♪
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♪ That a love so sweet ♪
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♪ Could never, never, never go wrong ♪
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♪ Could never, never, never go wrong ♪
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♪ Could never, never, never go wrong. ♪
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That's how you get rid of lice.
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Phil. Come in, Phil.
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Go for Carol.
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Phil, Carol here.
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Go for Carol.
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Come on, I know you can hear me.
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Go for me.
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Go for Carol. Go for Carol!
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What, Carol?
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Don't you mean "go for Phil"?
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Go for Phil.
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Did you get the wedding rings yet? Over.
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Not yet.
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Why not? Over.
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I've been very busy, Carol.
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Are you really busy, Phil? Be honest. Over.
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I am very busy, Carol.
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Busy burning wigs? Over.
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Hey.
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I haven't seen you since we ended things.
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Uh... you seeing anybody?
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Actually, never mind. I don't want to know.
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So I'm kind of on my bachelor party.
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Uh, got the whole wolf pack here.
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Yeah. Getting married.
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Today.
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I don't know if that's as emotional
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for mannequins as it is
for humans, but, uh...
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I thought that you should know.
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Her name is Carol.
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And she's definitely not the one.
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I mean, she's the last woman
on the face of the earth,
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so technically she's the one.
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But she's not the one the one.
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You know what I mean?
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Anyway...
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You're very special to me and...
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I don't want to be that guy.
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I don't want to be that guy.
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Press "play" on the boom box!
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And remember to smile.
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Yep. Saw your note.
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It's started!
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- Can you hear it?
- Shh!
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I'm waiting for my
entrance. I timed it out!
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We are gathered here today
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to join Philip Miller
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and Carol Pilbasian in holy matrimony.
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Hi.
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In getting to know the bride and groom,
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I see great potential in this match.
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Look into each other's eyes.
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Really look into each other's eyes.
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You both look great today,
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in your wedding dress and your tuxedo.
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Oh, it's okay.
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Now it's time for the vows.
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Instead of formal vows,
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the bride and groom will
speak from the heart.
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Carol, you're up first.
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Phil Miller, thank you for marrying me.
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Through this union,
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we will hopefully be blessed
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with bringing life and
promise to a new world.
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For a new day will dawn,
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and humankind will rise anew
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because of what we're doing today.
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Very nice, Carol.
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Thank you.
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Just beautiful.
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Now it's the groom's turn. Phil?
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00:10:35,128 --> 00:10:37,596
But you told me all I had
to do was get the rings.
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00:10:37,597 --> 00:10:39,265
Oh, just speak from the heart.
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00:10:39,266 --> 00:10:40,933
- Okay.
- Yeah.
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00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:42,768
Um...
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00:10:42,769 --> 00:10:43,769
Carol...
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00:10:43,770 --> 00:10:45,504
- Yes.
- Uh...
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00:10:45,505 --> 00:10:48,140
You seem like a good person.
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- Thank you.
- We're gonna,
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00:10:49,343 --> 00:10:50,442
uh, be married, you know.
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00:10:52,479 --> 00:10:54,946
A... and?
228
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Yeah, that's it.
229
00:10:57,951 --> 00:11:00,920
Oh, I left a little
more space here for you,
230
00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:03,022
so we'll just wait it out.
231
00:11:11,598 --> 00:11:14,166
Phil, that was beautiful.
232
00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:16,168
Now for the exchange of rings.
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Rings are a symbol of
the eternity of marriage.
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00:11:19,005 --> 00:11:20,139
Oh, oh, shoot. They're not here.
235
00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:21,340
Phil, do you have the rings?
236
00:11:21,341 --> 00:11:23,342
Phil, did you even get them? Be honest.
237
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Carol, I...
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00:11:25,278 --> 00:11:26,479
I'm not gonna
239
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:27,780
start this marriage out with a lie.
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00:11:27,781 --> 00:11:29,115
I got the rings.
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00:11:29,116 --> 00:11:30,649
- Phil.
- God.
242
00:11:30,650 --> 00:11:32,784
Look me in the eyes.
Did you really get them?
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00:11:33,887 --> 00:11:35,955
I started the marriage out with a lie.
244
00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:37,289
I did not get the rings.
245
00:11:37,290 --> 00:11:38,858
That was your one job.
246
00:11:38,859 --> 00:11:40,192
Carol Pilbasian, do you take
247
00:11:40,193 --> 00:11:41,827
Phil Miller to be your
lawfully wedded husband?
248
00:11:41,828 --> 00:11:42,928
I can't do this.
249
00:11:42,929 --> 00:11:44,964
- What?
- You can't buy me a Goldarn ring?
250
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:46,565
I'm trying so hard to
251
00:11:46,566 --> 00:11:47,933
Raisin Ball the hell out of this ceremony,
252
00:11:47,934 --> 00:11:50,736
but you are the worst. Just forget it.
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00:11:50,737 --> 00:11:53,538
Carol. Come on.
254
00:11:57,577 --> 00:11:59,944
One job.
255
00:12:01,381 --> 00:12:04,183
I now pronounce you man and wife.
256
00:12:04,184 --> 00:12:06,184
You may kiss the bride.
257
00:12:18,656 --> 00:12:19,823
Carol!
258
00:12:19,824 --> 00:12:21,224
Look, I'm getting worried about you, okay?
259
00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:23,794
I don't think you're in
there, but if you are,
260
00:12:23,795 --> 00:12:25,796
just know I'm gonna break down your door.
261
00:12:25,797 --> 00:12:29,365
And this is not out of
anger, this is out of concern.
262
00:12:40,778 --> 00:12:43,413
Sorry, got a little too into it.
263
00:13:11,042 --> 00:13:12,708
Is that eggplant?
264
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,034
Carol, come on,
265
00:13:38,035 --> 00:13:39,135
please go for Phil.
266
00:13:39,136 --> 00:13:40,804
Look, I know that you're upset,
267
00:13:40,805 --> 00:13:42,805
but I just, I really want to talk to you.
268
00:13:46,010 --> 00:13:48,011
Phil, I don't want to
talk to you right now.
269
00:13:48,012 --> 00:13:50,012
I'm very busy.
270
00:13:52,016 --> 00:13:54,350
Busy bedazzling pillows?
271
00:13:57,922 --> 00:13:59,823
What are you doing here?
272
00:13:59,824 --> 00:14:01,625
Well,
273
00:14:01,626 --> 00:14:04,494
I came by 'cause I-I
wanted to say something.
274
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:06,262
- Well, I'm listening.
- Okay.
275
00:14:08,299 --> 00:14:11,701
Carol, you drive me crazy.
276
00:14:11,702 --> 00:14:13,203
You don't get my jokes.
277
00:14:13,204 --> 00:14:15,505
You correct my grammar.
278
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:17,307
You talk and talk and talk
279
00:14:17,308 --> 00:14:19,342
and talk, and you pester
me worse than my mother.
280
00:14:19,343 --> 00:14:22,145
It really annoys me
when-when you do that stuff.
281
00:14:22,146 --> 00:14:25,148
Oh, you are no picnic
yourself, Mr. Porn J...
282
00:14:25,149 --> 00:14:26,483
Yes? Carol?
283
00:14:26,484 --> 00:14:28,184
Rat-beard...
284
00:14:28,185 --> 00:14:30,053
- Carol. Carol.
- Poopy-pool...
285
00:14:30,054 --> 00:14:31,387
The third...
286
00:14:33,658 --> 00:14:34,958
Not done yet.
287
00:14:34,959 --> 00:14:38,295
Look... when I got home,
288
00:14:38,296 --> 00:14:41,498
and you didn't come back,
I started to get worried.
289
00:14:41,499 --> 00:14:42,832
Why were you worried?
290
00:14:42,833 --> 00:14:44,968
Please, don't interrupt this, okay?
291
00:14:44,969 --> 00:14:47,737
I realized that I'd rather
292
00:14:47,738 --> 00:14:51,708
eat Raisin Balls...
Parentheses live in a world
293
00:14:51,709 --> 00:14:54,711
in which I am challenged by your...
294
00:14:54,712 --> 00:14:56,546
Tendencies...
295
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:57,647
Okay.
296
00:14:57,648 --> 00:14:59,983
Than eat no balls at all...
297
00:14:59,984 --> 00:15:03,320
Parentheses go back to living alone.
298
00:15:03,321 --> 00:15:05,088
That's nice.
299
00:15:05,089 --> 00:15:06,990
I know.
300
00:15:06,991 --> 00:15:08,658
Phil, you were a real scrub today.
301
00:15:08,659 --> 00:15:09,659
I know.
302
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,561
You know how I feel about scrubs.
303
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:13,228
You don't want no?
304
00:15:15,466 --> 00:15:16,466
Yeah.
305
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:18,501
Bingo.
306
00:15:18,502 --> 00:15:20,036
So, what do you say, you want to go home?
307
00:15:20,037 --> 00:15:22,004
Huh?
308
00:15:31,349 --> 00:15:32,749
Wh-where are you going?
309
00:15:32,750 --> 00:15:34,083
Little detour.
310
00:15:38,489 --> 00:15:40,290
I have a little present for you.
311
00:15:41,292 --> 00:15:43,093
No, you didn't.
312
00:15:43,094 --> 00:15:44,227
Philip Miller,
313
00:15:44,228 --> 00:15:46,429
a tiny sledgehammer?
314
00:15:46,430 --> 00:15:48,531
- I love it.
- That's not the present.
315
00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:49,866
It's not?
316
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:50,867
No.
317
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:52,034
What's the present?
318
00:15:53,871 --> 00:15:55,838
Mm, oh... that one.
319
00:15:56,874 --> 00:15:58,507
And that one and those ones.
320
00:15:59,577 --> 00:16:00,777
Oh, that one, too.
321
00:16:00,778 --> 00:16:02,444
Okay.
322
00:16:05,316 --> 00:16:08,318
I now
pronounce you man and wife.
323
00:16:08,319 --> 00:16:10,320
You may kiss the bride.
324
00:16:18,996 --> 00:16:20,196
Yowza!
325
00:16:20,197 --> 00:16:22,765
Let her up for air, Phil.
326
00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:26,902
Phil.
327
00:16:29,907 --> 00:16:32,508
Your presence is requested in the bedroom.
328
00:16:38,616 --> 00:16:39,916
Um...
329
00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:41,584
Uh...
330
00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:42,585
Yeah, let's see what...
331
00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:43,753
Just focus on me, huh?
332
00:16:43,754 --> 00:16:45,454
- Okay.
- Mmm.
333
00:16:47,158 --> 00:16:48,658
Mmm.
334
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:50,293
Mmm.
335
00:16:50,294 --> 00:16:51,294
Come on.
336
00:16:51,295 --> 00:16:52,429
- Phil.
- What?
337
00:16:52,430 --> 00:16:55,432
Just give yourself up to the process.
338
00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:56,766
And don't worry,
339
00:16:56,767 --> 00:17:00,537
I've been told that I'm
very, very good at this.
340
00:17:00,538 --> 00:17:02,172
Oh, throw your sleeping bag down!
341
00:17:02,173 --> 00:17:03,807
Phil, that's your camping spot!
342
00:17:03,808 --> 00:17:05,308
You big camper!
343
00:17:05,309 --> 00:17:08,712
You better put the food in the
trees before the bears get it.
344
00:17:08,713 --> 00:17:10,046
Ah, you hear them coming?
345
00:17:10,047 --> 00:17:11,981
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh!
346
00:17:11,982 --> 00:17:13,817
Nicely done, Phil!
347
00:17:13,818 --> 00:17:15,452
And here we go!
348
00:17:15,453 --> 00:17:17,554
Oh!
349
00:17:17,555 --> 00:17:19,522
Oh, I'm famished.
350
00:17:19,523 --> 00:17:22,692
After doing the nasty, I
need to have some beans.
351
00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:24,894
Oh, you want some beans, babe?
352
00:17:24,895 --> 00:17:26,296
- No. No, I don't want...
- No?
353
00:17:26,297 --> 00:17:28,298
I'm just gonna... just...
354
00:17:28,299 --> 00:17:30,700
Sit here and, you know, try to...
355
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:33,302
Figure out what just happened.
356
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:36,906
Mmm.
357
00:17:36,907 --> 00:17:40,376
I actually have some
constructive criticisms for you.
358
00:17:40,377 --> 00:17:43,179
You should talk more.
359
00:17:43,180 --> 00:17:45,648
I like to hear what my man has to say.
360
00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:47,917
Just get in there with
some sexual jibber-jabber.
361
00:17:47,918 --> 00:17:50,019
It will be welcomed.
362
00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:51,988
Carol, in all honesty, I think
we have different methods,
363
00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:54,124
'cause I kind of like to church-mouse it.
364
00:17:54,125 --> 00:17:55,225
Ooh.
365
00:17:55,226 --> 00:17:56,892
What's that mouse doing in the church?
366
00:17:59,630 --> 00:18:00,629
Mmm.
367
00:18:02,433 --> 00:18:04,267
Oh, my God, I can't believe
368
00:18:04,268 --> 00:18:07,403
I just had sex with the
President of the United States.
369
00:18:19,361 --> 00:18:22,563
Phil Miller, what is going on in here?
370
00:18:22,564 --> 00:18:25,032
Well, Carol, I'm playing racquetball, okay?
371
00:18:25,033 --> 00:18:28,135
You have to know that this
is the kind of thing I do.
372
00:18:28,136 --> 00:18:30,037
I assume you're gonna say you got to...
373
00:18:30,038 --> 00:18:33,174
Go outside or go find an
official racquetball court,
374
00:18:33,175 --> 00:18:35,743
but you just have to know
these things about me.
375
00:18:35,744 --> 00:18:38,078
I want to play racquetball in my house.
376
00:18:38,079 --> 00:18:40,247
And-and I'm afraid I have to demand it.
377
00:18:40,248 --> 00:18:42,216
This is who I am!
378
00:18:42,217 --> 00:18:44,351
And...
379
00:18:44,352 --> 00:18:45,886
Are you done?
380
00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:48,155
Yes.
381
00:18:48,156 --> 00:18:51,624
I was just gonna ask if
you had a second racquet.
382
00:18:53,228 --> 00:18:54,727
Go! Go!
383
00:18:56,064 --> 00:18:57,063
Got it!
384
00:18:58,099 --> 00:18:59,066
Oh, Phil!
385
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,734
Oh!
386
00:19:01,736 --> 00:19:03,270
I broke a vase!
387
00:19:03,271 --> 00:19:04,839
Did I get a point for that?
388
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,339
Mmm.
389
00:19:12,347 --> 00:19:14,682
Did you notice how silent I'm being?
390
00:19:14,683 --> 00:19:16,517
Uh, yeah, I noticed. Thank you.
391
00:19:16,518 --> 00:19:18,285
I'll just be your silent wife.
392
00:19:18,286 --> 00:19:20,254
Oh...!
393
00:19:20,255 --> 00:19:22,256
You sure this is safe?
394
00:19:22,257 --> 00:19:23,557
You're fine, Carol.
395
00:19:23,558 --> 00:19:24,892
It's a fireproof suit.
396
00:19:24,893 --> 00:19:26,927
Here goes nothing.
397
00:19:30,031 --> 00:19:31,030
Ugh.
398
00:19:41,710 --> 00:19:43,243
Yes!
399
00:19:47,315 --> 00:19:49,316
So she's your ex-girlfriend, huh?
400
00:19:49,317 --> 00:19:50,651
Yep.
401
00:19:50,652 --> 00:19:51,685
She's very pretty.
402
00:19:51,686 --> 00:19:53,721
Yeah. She's not bad.
403
00:19:53,722 --> 00:19:54,889
Where are you going?
404
00:19:54,890 --> 00:19:57,725
Oh, I'm just gonna introduce myself.
405
00:19:57,726 --> 00:19:59,260
Hello.
406
00:19:59,261 --> 00:20:01,095
I'm Phil Miller's new wife, Carol.
407
00:20:01,096 --> 00:20:02,196
What's your name?
408
00:20:02,197 --> 00:20:03,330
Oh.
409
00:20:03,331 --> 00:20:05,432
That's a nice name for a hussy!
410
00:20:05,433 --> 00:20:06,733
Come on!
411
00:20:10,105 --> 00:20:11,739
You should have just said
your name, you wouldn't...
412
00:20:11,740 --> 00:20:14,141
- You should have said your name.
- None of this would be happening.
413
00:20:14,142 --> 00:20:16,410
That's right! You tell everybody
414
00:20:16,411 --> 00:20:20,281
that Phil Miller's off the market!
415
00:20:20,282 --> 00:20:21,282
That's right!
416
00:20:21,283 --> 00:20:22,283
You should have s...
417
00:20:23,451 --> 00:20:25,451
Oh!
418
00:20:27,455 --> 00:20:30,057
She was being a real "B".
419
00:20:30,058 --> 00:20:33,360
You know, Carol, I thought
this whole marriage thing
420
00:20:33,361 --> 00:20:35,896
was just gonna be an absolute disaster.
421
00:20:35,897 --> 00:20:39,433
But I got to say, it's surprisingly...
422
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:40,534
Tolerable.
423
00:20:40,535 --> 00:20:42,203
Yeah, totally bearable.
424
00:20:42,204 --> 00:20:44,005
Yeah, I mean,
425
00:20:44,006 --> 00:20:47,208
this is our destiny, maybe.
426
00:20:47,209 --> 00:20:48,608
I think so.
427
00:20:49,711 --> 00:20:51,145
Oh!
428
00:20:55,350 --> 00:20:57,685
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I think so.
429
00:20:57,686 --> 00:20:58,952
Yeah.
430
00:21:00,689 --> 00:21:02,390
Hello?
431
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,324
Hello in there?
432
00:21:10,432 --> 00:21:12,160
Oh, my God.
433
00:21:12,505 --> 00:21:16,325
- Are you okay?
- Uh...
434
00:21:17,237 --> 00:21:20,311
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