1
00:00:18,089 --> 00:00:19,709
CHARLIE: We think it's a
sinkhole! It's awesome!
2
00:00:19,729 --> 00:00:22,076
- DENNIS: It's really not that awesome.
- MAC: It's blowing my mind!
3
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:23,762
How is a hole in the ground
blowing your mind?
4
00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:25,649
DEE: Look, I was a little bit
skeptical at first, too,
5
00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:28,502
but we've been playing with this thing
for three hours now, and it's fantastic.
6
00:00:28,515 --> 00:00:30,625
I'm sorry, can I ask how do
you play with a goddamn hole?
7
00:00:30,632 --> 00:00:32,525
First, we just started, like,
throwing things down it
8
00:00:32,538 --> 00:00:35,032
and then we never heard it land. It would
just kind of rattle around down there.
9
00:00:35,044 --> 00:00:37,244
Then we got a flashlight to see
if we could see the bottom.
10
00:00:37,250 --> 00:00:40,103
We couldn't. Then I threw it down
there, you know, to prove a point.
11
00:00:40,116 --> 00:00:40,896
What was the point?
12
00:00:40,902 --> 00:00:45,131
It was something to do with how metal
travels faster than light or...?
13
00:00:45,144 --> 00:00:47,651
No, it was that light is
either on or off.
14
00:00:47,663 --> 00:00:51,096
There's no speed to light. It's,
it was an anti-science thing.
15
00:00:51,109 --> 00:00:53,185
This hole, it's very
exciting, Dennis.
16
00:00:53,198 --> 00:00:56,105
I mean, it represents infinite
possibilities. It's endless.
17
00:00:56,118 --> 00:00:57,867
What if there's, like,
a mutant living down there?
18
00:00:57,886 --> 00:00:59,779
We can get him up and he can
live in the bar with us.
19
00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:02,450
We've already got one mutant hanging
out with us in the bar all the time.
20
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,062
(laughter)
21
00:01:05,519 --> 00:01:06,746
Hey, Frank, did you
hear what I said?
22
00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:09,139
I turned a frustrating
conversation into a joke on you.
23
00:01:09,158 --> 00:01:12,238
- The, uh... thing.
- FRANK: Huh? Oh, y-yeah.
24
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:14,634
Frank, what do you
think about this hole?
25
00:01:14,659 --> 00:01:16,392
Pretty cool, huh? You want
to do something with it?
26
00:01:16,412 --> 00:01:18,232
No. I don't.
27
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,215
In fact, something
just dawned on me.
28
00:01:20,935 --> 00:01:22,535
I need to quit.
29
00:01:22,555 --> 00:01:24,682
Wha-What? What are, what
are you talking about?
30
00:01:24,694 --> 00:01:26,834
I don't care anything
about this hole.
31
00:01:26,847 --> 00:01:28,535
I-I'm passionless.
32
00:01:28,915 --> 00:01:30,622
What are you
saying, Frank?
33
00:01:30,641 --> 00:01:34,265
I hereby officially retire
from Paddy's Pub.
34
00:01:40,106 --> 00:01:42,748
(all cheering)
35
00:01:55,425 --> 00:02:05,425
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by 00:02:07,583
All right, now, with
Frank retiring,
37
00:02:07,608 --> 00:02:10,802
I know we're all a little bit concerned
about how that affects everyone's shares.
38
00:02:10,822 --> 00:02:14,675
Frank owned 51% of
Paddy's Pub and we own 46%.
39
00:02:14,681 --> 00:02:17,593
Well, we did, not-not Dee.
She-she doesn't own shit.
40
00:02:17,606 --> 00:02:19,377
- Yeah, I know. Goddamn it.
- Yeah, yeah.
41
00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:21,361
And, Charlie, you actually
gave up most of your shares
42
00:02:21,386 --> 00:02:23,746
for various sandwiches and snacks
and sundries and things.
43
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,239
What the hell is a Franquito?
44
00:02:25,252 --> 00:02:27,815
It says Franquito owns three
percent of Paddy's Pub?
45
00:02:27,829 --> 00:02:31,029
Oh, yeah, I don't know. That's probably
one of Frank's weird shell corporations.
46
00:02:31,048 --> 00:02:33,015
It doesn't matter. Who gives a shit?
It's only three percent.
47
00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:36,172
Whoever gets Frank's 51% is
the majority shareholder.
48
00:02:36,191 --> 00:02:37,889
That is who
controls the bar.
49
00:02:37,895 --> 00:02:40,304
That is who gets the throne.
50
00:02:40,909 --> 00:02:42,659
Oh, there-there's a throne?
51
00:02:42,665 --> 00:02:44,969
Oh, sorry. No, I was just
referring to the desk chair
52
00:02:44,970 --> 00:02:46,717
as the throne 'cause
that's where the boss man sits.
53
00:02:46,730 --> 00:02:48,997
Ugh, gross. That chair smells
like Frank's butt.
54
00:02:49,010 --> 00:02:50,382
It's not actually
Frank's butt;
55
00:02:50,407 --> 00:02:52,607
I think it's a combination of all
of our butt smells, you know?
56
00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:53,561
- That's worse.
- Yeah.
57
00:02:53,566 --> 00:02:55,034
Why would anybody
want that chair?
58
00:02:55,047 --> 00:02:57,654
No, no, it's not about the chair itself.
It's what the chair represents.
59
00:02:57,667 --> 00:03:00,284
- The chair represents power.
Okay, well, all right.
60
00:03:00,303 --> 00:03:02,223
How do we divvy up
Frank's shares then?
61
00:03:02,236 --> 00:03:05,945
Uh... Okay, well, um...
62
00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:08,779
- I'll-I'll take them.
- You? You?
63
00:03:08,791 --> 00:03:10,430
You think we're gonna give the
shares to the man who wants to
64
00:03:10,442 --> 00:03:12,835
pull a mutant from a mystery hole
in the bar and live with him?
65
00:03:12,848 --> 00:03:14,925
All right, well, look, I'm just
trying to come up with a system.
66
00:03:14,938 --> 00:03:17,378
- We got to have a system here...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
67
00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:19,105
We do have
a system for this!
68
00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:20,725
Paddy's Succession Plan,
remember?
69
00:03:20,750 --> 00:03:22,949
Oh, shit! Right.
Yes, right!
70
00:03:22,955 --> 00:03:24,489
Paddy's Succession Plan.
71
00:03:24,509 --> 00:03:26,235
It was like a will
that we drew up
72
00:03:26,260 --> 00:03:28,900
to help us determine who would
get each one of our shares
73
00:03:28,925 --> 00:03:31,499
in the very likely event of our
untimely deaths, that's right.
74
00:03:31,518 --> 00:03:33,073
We drank, like, three
bottles of tequila
75
00:03:33,098 --> 00:03:34,907
and then we started
talking about our legacy
76
00:03:34,932 --> 00:03:37,599
- and how important that was to us.
- Oh! Got to have a legacy.
77
00:03:37,605 --> 00:03:40,156
- Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?
- Oh, oh! Yeah, okay.
78
00:03:40,162 --> 00:03:42,709
- Read it! Read it! Read it! Read it!
- "Paddy's succession plan.
79
00:03:42,721 --> 00:03:45,462
Paddy's Pub shall secure our
legacy here, henceforth
80
00:03:45,487 --> 00:03:48,667
and forevermore throughout
the birthright of our firstborn kin.
81
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,980
- Who had the pen here?
- It makes sense. Don't be a bitch.
82
00:03:50,986 --> 00:03:55,527
What it means is every one of our shares
gets passed down to our firstborn.
83
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:57,885
Right, right! Our firstborn!
84
00:03:57,898 --> 00:03:59,891
- The shares get passed down
to the firstborn kin? - Yeah.
85
00:03:59,904 --> 00:04:01,507
We are the firstborn
kin of Frank.
86
00:04:01,513 --> 00:04:04,560
Well, now, hang on, that's
not, like, an official document.
87
00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:06,413
Uh, well, you signed
it in your blood.
88
00:04:06,432 --> 00:04:08,694
Oh, that, yeah, there it is--
"Trundle," written in blood.
89
00:04:08,714 --> 00:04:10,927
Oh, yeah, I was going by
Trundle at the time, wasn't I?
90
00:04:10,940 --> 00:04:13,280
No, no, no. You were trying to write
"Charlie" and you wrote "Trundle."
91
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:14,900
No, I was going by
"Trundle the Great."
92
00:04:14,913 --> 00:04:16,533
You came up with that
after you miswrote it.
93
00:04:16,540 --> 00:04:19,959
Well, look, the point is you can't just
take the bar based on a paper plate.
94
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,148
Sorry, Charlie.
95
00:04:22,154 --> 00:04:23,854
I'm siding with
Dennis and Dee.
96
00:04:23,867 --> 00:04:25,207
I'm your humble servant.
97
00:04:25,213 --> 00:04:26,607
You're just gonna
give it to them?!
98
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:28,793
That's a binding contract.
Okay? You wrote it in blood.
99
00:04:28,806 --> 00:04:31,693
That's gonna hold up in a court of
law and I know when to pick a side.
100
00:04:31,699 --> 00:04:34,342
- I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.
- Wait, hold on a second.
101
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,861
You guys aren't even
actually Frank's kid.
102
00:04:36,867 --> 00:04:41,234
You're Bruce Mathis' kid, all right? And
I technically might be Frank's kid.
103
00:04:42,941 --> 00:04:44,637
Charlie, I pledge my
allegiance to you.
104
00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:46,130
- No, no, no, no.
- Wait a second, no.
105
00:04:46,141 --> 00:04:48,784
- But Frank is a Reynolds and we are
Reynolds. - Yup, we're Reynolds.
106
00:04:48,797 --> 00:04:50,830
Yeah, and it's the name
that carries on the line,
107
00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:53,581
not maybe being
someone's bastard kid.
108
00:04:54,382 --> 00:04:56,955
It was always you guys. I tricked him,
I tricked him. It was always you.
109
00:04:56,961 --> 00:04:58,727
It is the blood
that binds.
110
00:04:59,279 --> 00:05:01,426
And his blood is pumping
through my veins.
111
00:05:01,432 --> 00:05:02,988
And I shall prove it.
112
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:05,174
(door opens, closes)
113
00:05:05,199 --> 00:05:08,053
This is a little bit harder because he
might win 'cause he has some good points.
114
00:05:08,073 --> 00:05:09,026
But you guys might win...
115
00:05:09,039 --> 00:05:11,586
- We don't give a shit about what you're
talking about! - It doesn't matter.
116
00:05:14,473 --> 00:05:17,302
(sizzling)
117
00:05:17,327 --> 00:05:18,694
(panting)
118
00:05:18,713 --> 00:05:20,952
Hey-o! There's my guy!
119
00:05:20,958 --> 00:05:23,098
Hey, I got a piping hot
Grilled Frank for you, okay?
120
00:05:23,104 --> 00:05:24,997
I got the sausage,
the Spam, the bacon.
121
00:05:25,010 --> 00:05:27,830
I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake
and cooked with a stick of butter.
122
00:05:27,843 --> 00:05:29,697
I don't want that, Charlie.
123
00:05:29,715 --> 00:05:31,348
I'm trying to get in shape.
124
00:05:31,361 --> 00:05:34,721
I read all about this
phenomenon that guys' bodies
125
00:05:34,746 --> 00:05:38,731
immediately turn to shit
the second they retire.
126
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,370
- Oh, yeah?
- I got to work on it.
127
00:05:40,389 --> 00:05:43,429
All right, well, you know, just-just
take a peek, see if you like it.
128
00:05:43,435 --> 00:05:45,394
Uh, hey, listen, man, can
I ask you something?
129
00:05:45,408 --> 00:05:46,094
(grunts)
130
00:05:46,119 --> 00:05:46,899
What?
131
00:05:46,912 --> 00:05:49,367
Are you, like, um...
132
00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:51,019
my dad?
133
00:05:51,038 --> 00:05:51,778
What?
134
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,350
Are, like... are you the-the
father of me and shit?
135
00:05:54,356 --> 00:05:55,956
- We've-we've been over this.
- Yeah.
136
00:05:55,962 --> 00:05:57,670
- Your mother's a giant whore.
- Right.
137
00:05:57,682 --> 00:05:59,250
I don't want to stress
about this, Charlie.
138
00:05:59,256 --> 00:06:02,605
I'm retired. Leave me alone.
I want to watch a little TV.
139
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:05,045
- Yeah. All right.
- Charlie, hey... Oh.
140
00:06:05,051 --> 00:06:07,322
- Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
- Uh, yeah. Hey.
141
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:10,775
Hey, um, I came up with
a really great idea, dude.
142
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:11,702
Yeah?
143
00:06:11,715 --> 00:06:14,073
I'm gonna play both sides.
144
00:06:15,019 --> 00:06:16,752
Why would you
tell me that?
145
00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:17,599
Should I not have?
146
00:06:17,624 --> 00:06:20,784
Probably shouldn't 'cause if you're trying
to keep a secret from me, well, now I know.
147
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:21,851
I should've...
Should I tell them?
148
00:06:21,857 --> 00:06:23,342
No, I don't think you
should tell either side
149
00:06:23,367 --> 00:06:25,620
'cause if you try to play both
sides and they both know,
150
00:06:25,645 --> 00:06:27,605
- you're not playing anybody.
- What should I do now?
151
00:06:27,611 --> 00:06:30,051
I don't... I don't give a
shit. Why are you here?
152
00:06:30,070 --> 00:06:31,759
I'm here to prove my
allegiance to you.
153
00:06:31,772 --> 00:06:34,318
Because I believe that
you're the rightful heir.
154
00:06:34,331 --> 00:06:35,311
Okay, whatever.
155
00:06:35,336 --> 00:06:37,729
- All right, well, I see... I see that
you don't believe me. - Why would I?
156
00:06:37,735 --> 00:06:39,828
So I am prepared to take a
blood oath with you.
157
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:41,835
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
158
00:06:41,848 --> 00:06:44,377
Oh, my God, dude!
Oh, that was Frank's toe knife!
159
00:06:44,390 --> 00:06:46,616
Oh, it hurts so much.
All right, quick, shake on it.
160
00:06:46,622 --> 00:06:48,556
- No, I'm not gonna touch your blood.
- Do you have something I could...
161
00:06:48,581 --> 00:06:50,694
- I got to close this wound.
- Yeah, here, just plug it up.
162
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,493
That was so not as cool
as I thought it was gonna be.
163
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,467
That sock's probably gonna
get it more infected, though.
164
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,658
All right, look, look,
look, look, dude.
165
00:06:57,065 --> 00:06:59,345
We got to prove that
Frank is your dad.
166
00:06:59,359 --> 00:07:02,128
Dude, he-he doesn't even want to have
that conversation with me, okay?
167
00:07:02,140 --> 00:07:03,917
And he's certainly not gonna
get tested, you know?
168
00:07:03,930 --> 00:07:05,315
He's really resistant
to the whole thing.
169
00:07:05,328 --> 00:07:06,140
(sighs)
170
00:07:06,153 --> 00:07:08,289
All right, well, then we're gonna
have to do some testing of our own.
171
00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:09,182
Yeah?
172
00:07:09,188 --> 00:07:11,994
I can choke a man out
in four seconds flat.
173
00:07:12,019 --> 00:07:13,280
Oh, yeah?
174
00:07:13,293 --> 00:07:15,906
- Yeah, I guess we could try
that, or, uh... - All right.
175
00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:18,266
You know, I could probably take
his blood right now. He's out.
176
00:07:19,715 --> 00:07:21,075
He's staring right at us.
177
00:07:21,088 --> 00:07:24,192
Yeah, he's been falling asleep with his
eyes open like that, but he's way out.
178
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:27,088
I mean, we could prick him.
He won't feel a thing. Frank!
179
00:07:33,066 --> 00:07:34,258
(sniffing)
180
00:07:34,266 --> 00:07:35,646
- Anything?
- Nothing!
181
00:07:36,139 --> 00:07:37,546
Not a single butt
smell to that.
182
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,192
- How is that possible?
- I don't know.
183
00:07:39,206 --> 00:07:40,813
It's either this guy's butt
or this brand of chair.
184
00:07:40,818 --> 00:07:42,113
It's got to be
the brand, right?
185
00:07:42,119 --> 00:07:43,779
All right, we got to get one
of these for our throne.
186
00:07:43,792 --> 00:07:45,505
- Yeah. Yeah. Hey!
- Hey!
187
00:07:45,518 --> 00:07:48,430
Hey, what do you say, Doc?
So, what is the verdict?
188
00:07:48,443 --> 00:07:51,194
- Is Frank Charlie's dad or not?
- I don't know.
189
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,140
I don't know who that is.
190
00:07:52,165 --> 00:07:53,997
What I do know is I came
to work this morning
191
00:07:54,022 --> 00:07:56,682
to find a very large
bucket of blood in my lab.
192
00:07:56,695 --> 00:08:00,266
Yeah, well, that's the sample, obviously,
and, uh, you know, if it's too big,
193
00:08:00,267 --> 00:08:02,007
it's because Frank sprung
a little bit of a leak there.
194
00:08:02,018 --> 00:08:03,900
Yeah, it was a mess, huh?
195
00:08:03,912 --> 00:08:05,740
- He was bleeding like crazy.
- There was blood everywhere,
196
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:06,865
but we caught enough
of it, I think.
197
00:08:06,871 --> 00:08:08,824
Yeah, we must have cut a
deep vein or something.
198
00:08:08,837 --> 00:08:10,878
Wait a second. Most of
this came from one man?
199
00:08:10,897 --> 00:08:13,398
Did we take too much? I-I didn't
think that we took too much.
200
00:08:13,423 --> 00:08:15,317
Yes. You took too much.
201
00:08:15,330 --> 00:08:18,263
Also, there's traces of more
than four individuals in here
202
00:08:18,268 --> 00:08:20,035
and at least one animal.
203
00:08:20,817 --> 00:08:22,945
Was there blood in
the bucket before?
204
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,783
It is a blood bucket, so
yeah, there was old blood.
205
00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,362
I didn't come here to get
sassed, okay?
206
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,389
I came here to get
an answer to my question.
207
00:08:29,395 --> 00:08:31,102
So is Frank
Charlie's dad or not?
208
00:08:31,108 --> 00:08:32,591
The only thing that
I can tell you is that,
209
00:08:32,616 --> 00:08:34,364
based off of how much
blood is in this bucket,
210
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:37,229
your friend is in
desperate need of blood.
211
00:08:40,403 --> 00:08:42,683
All right, Dee, the bar
is finally ours.
212
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:44,129
Let's talk redecoration.
213
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:47,296
Well, I'm thinking chrome, and I'm
thinking chrome everywhere.
214
00:08:47,308 --> 00:08:49,822
The other thing that's important
to me is a proper dance floor.
215
00:08:49,842 --> 00:08:52,158
That way, any time I want
to just pop a boogie,
216
00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:55,230
I can do it wherever I am, and it
won't be weird, you know what I mean?
217
00:08:55,255 --> 00:08:58,022
- Okay.
- (raspy): Oh, think of it, brother.
218
00:08:58,036 --> 00:09:00,996
With them out of the way,
we can do as we please.
219
00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:03,756
Two butts, one throne.
220
00:09:04,808 --> 00:09:06,635
All right, you know what,
you've been doing this all day.
221
00:09:06,655 --> 00:09:09,048
- Why are you talking like that?
- I'm just being... I'm being arch.
222
00:09:09,061 --> 00:09:11,708
- Why? - Well, because we're being
devious and we're plotting,
223
00:09:11,726 --> 00:09:15,153
and I just wanted to make sure that it was
clear that we were devious and plotting.
224
00:09:15,159 --> 00:09:17,008
You don't need to indicate to
me that you're being devious
225
00:09:17,027 --> 00:09:18,187
when you're actually
being devious.
226
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,410
I guess I had some concerns
that you wouldn't pick up on it
227
00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:21,531
if I didn't make it super clear.
228
00:09:21,550 --> 00:09:23,210
Yeah, but the problem is if
you start doing that,
229
00:09:23,223 --> 00:09:25,532
- everybody's gonna pick up on it. And
that defeats the purpose. - Yeah, got it.
230
00:09:25,544 --> 00:09:28,717
Dennis, Dee, quickly--
we don't have much time.
231
00:09:28,737 --> 00:09:30,302
Charlie and I doctored
a paternity test
232
00:09:30,327 --> 00:09:32,767
to make it look like
Frank is Charlie's dad.
233
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:34,795
But the tests were
actually inconclusive;
234
00:09:34,820 --> 00:09:37,127
There was too much blood
in the bucket to tell.
235
00:09:37,133 --> 00:09:39,177
The reason I'm telling you all
this is because I'm playing
236
00:09:39,196 --> 00:09:41,769
both sides so that
I always come out on top.
237
00:09:41,776 --> 00:09:44,447
So, with this information,
I'm gonna leverage you guys
238
00:09:44,472 --> 00:09:47,179
into making me the head of
security at the new Paddy's Pub.
239
00:09:47,185 --> 00:09:50,278
- Mm. - O-Okay, okay, couple things
right off the bat, there, pal.
240
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:53,669
Number one, um, never tell one side
that you're playing both sides.
241
00:09:53,682 --> 00:09:56,855
- Yeah. - And number two, if
you are gonna play both sides,
242
00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:00,060
don't give away the information
before you get what you want.
243
00:10:00,073 --> 00:10:01,174
Oh, shit.
244
00:10:01,665 --> 00:10:03,745
Right, don't give away
the in-information.
245
00:10:03,758 --> 00:10:06,380
- Yeah. - All right, well, if I am gonna
play both sides, what should I do?
246
00:10:06,386 --> 00:10:08,393
- Oops. - You're still telling us
that you're playing both sides,
247
00:10:08,406 --> 00:10:09,406
so why would we help you?
248
00:10:09,419 --> 00:10:13,092
Uh... Okay, well, what if I make a blood
oath... uh, allegiance to you guys?
249
00:10:13,105 --> 00:10:14,118
- Oh!
- Ooh.
250
00:10:14,131 --> 00:10:14,905
Gross.
251
00:10:14,924 --> 00:10:18,114
Yeah, I, uh, I sliced it with
Frank's toe knife and, uh,
252
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:20,112
it's not bleeding anymore,
but maybe I could...
253
00:10:20,125 --> 00:10:22,321
- Oh, yeah, here, I'll just
get it again. - Oh!
254
00:10:22,906 --> 00:10:24,573
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, God!
255
00:10:24,578 --> 00:10:26,053
Jesus, dude, that
was the lime knife.
256
00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:28,865
Oh, I feel that-- it stings.
Oh, Dee, here, shake my hand.
257
00:10:28,872 --> 00:10:30,512
- No, get away from me, gross.
- Aah. Dennis?
258
00:10:30,525 --> 00:10:31,719
No, your blood is disgusting.
259
00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:33,948
- Aah. What should I do?
- Go to the doctor.
260
00:10:33,968 --> 00:10:35,791
Mac, why the hell'd you
sprint ahead of me, man?
261
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,291
Oh, 'cause I'm
playing both sides.
262
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:38,827
- Jesus Christ.
- Wow.
263
00:10:38,832 --> 00:10:40,006
It doesn't matter.
Okay, guys,
264
00:10:40,018 --> 00:10:42,596
I got some documentation here
proving that I am the rightful heir
265
00:10:42,621 --> 00:10:43,703
- to Frank's butt chair.
- Yeah.
266
00:10:43,716 --> 00:10:45,176
All right, Charlie,
save it, save it.
267
00:10:45,196 --> 00:10:48,569
Mac already told us that that's
not a real paternity test.
268
00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:50,690
What the hell, dude?
You swore a blood oath to me.
269
00:10:50,702 --> 00:10:52,555
Dude, you never touched
my blood, okay?
270
00:10:52,562 --> 00:10:54,998
All right, you know what, if
you really want to work here...
271
00:10:55,005 --> 00:10:56,793
- kick Charlie out of here.
- Hmm.
272
00:10:57,714 --> 00:10:59,034
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
273
00:10:59,053 --> 00:11:01,144
No problem, dude.
Charlie, let's go, bud, get...
274
00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:04,138
All right, dude, I'm
gonna carry you out.
275
00:11:04,158 --> 00:11:05,378
(exclaims, grunts)
276
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:08,223
Oh, shit. Oh, my
God, he is so heavy.
277
00:11:08,236 --> 00:11:10,129
He's, like, grounding
himself with something.
278
00:11:10,142 --> 00:11:12,605
Oh, now he's going limp. No,
come on, dude, that's not fair.
279
00:11:12,624 --> 00:11:14,894
Help me out, here, Charlie.
Help me out.
280
00:11:14,907 --> 00:11:16,839
That's it, dude, that's it.
I'm choking you out.
281
00:11:16,852 --> 00:11:19,272
- Okay. - You're going out,
dude, you're going to sleep.
282
00:11:19,285 --> 00:11:21,450
Good night, dude,
good night, bitch.
283
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:25,964
(exhales)
284
00:11:28,203 --> 00:11:30,337
Your head of security just
choked himself out.
285
00:11:30,352 --> 00:11:31,699
(Dennis sighs)
286
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,576
Hey, Frank, I know you're
trying to be healthy,
287
00:11:38,601 --> 00:11:40,628
so I got you a hoagie with
extra pickles in it--
288
00:11:40,653 --> 00:11:42,246
I figured you could use
the veggies and stuff...
289
00:11:42,253 --> 00:11:43,523
Oh, shit!
290
00:11:44,353 --> 00:11:45,641
Hi, Charlie.
291
00:11:46,242 --> 00:11:48,029
What... What's going
on with you, man?
292
00:11:48,034 --> 00:11:50,174
I forgot to dye my
hair this morning.
293
00:11:50,194 --> 00:11:51,514
What's up with your teeth?
294
00:11:51,527 --> 00:11:55,014
I was eating some of
Deandra's pyramid scheme berries.
295
00:11:55,020 --> 00:11:56,502
I was trying
to get healthy.
296
00:11:56,527 --> 00:11:57,474
Right.
297
00:11:57,487 --> 00:11:59,400
I feel a little
light-headed.
298
00:11:59,414 --> 00:12:01,476
All right, well, I'm sure
it's nothing, you know.
299
00:12:01,489 --> 00:12:04,228
Probably just, like, tired from
working hard and then...
300
00:12:04,232 --> 00:12:07,419
You know, the body crashes when...
O-Oh, shit, did you fall asleep again?
301
00:12:07,436 --> 00:12:08,176
(snoring)
302
00:12:08,189 --> 00:12:10,465
- Frank?
- Is he dead?
303
00:12:10,478 --> 00:12:11,965
- Oh, shit.
- He looks bad.
304
00:12:11,978 --> 00:12:13,219
What are you sneaking
up on me for?
305
00:12:13,231 --> 00:12:15,360
Oh, listen, Dennis is acting
weird and I don't like it.
306
00:12:15,373 --> 00:12:17,886
Now, I know he's got something
planned, but he's not indicating,
307
00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:20,062
- so I don't know what it is.
- Right.
308
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:23,127
- No, I get that, I guess, so, yeah.
- (raspy): Yes, yes, exactly, Charlie,
309
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:28,188
so here's the plan: We need to outsmart
him before he can have us murdered...
310
00:12:28,201 --> 00:12:30,211
- Are you okay?
- ...and throw us in... Hmm?
311
00:12:30,230 --> 00:12:32,402
Do you need a glass of
water or something?
312
00:12:32,427 --> 00:12:33,587
(normal voice): No, I'm good.
313
00:12:33,599 --> 00:12:35,632
- What are... W-What's happening?
- I'm... I'm being arch.
314
00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:37,852
- Oh. Oh. - We're doing a thing
together, so you know...
315
00:12:37,859 --> 00:12:39,699
Yeah, no, I know, just 'cause
you're telling me what's up.
316
00:12:39,711 --> 00:12:41,531
Okay, okay, fine.
The point is
317
00:12:41,556 --> 00:12:43,483
we got to prove that you're
the rightful heir to the throne.
318
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,302
Yes, of course, that's why
I got this plastic bag,
319
00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:46,784
'cause my blood bucket
was inconclusive.
320
00:12:46,797 --> 00:12:47,890
You just need
a couple drops.
321
00:12:47,903 --> 00:12:49,737
- Right, yeah.
- So let's open him up.
322
00:12:49,756 --> 00:12:51,779
Yeah, all right, but you know,
we got to be careful, you know,
323
00:12:51,785 --> 00:12:53,439
'cause I think I took too
much blood last time.
324
00:12:53,452 --> 00:12:54,619
- Is that what's going on?
- Yeah.
325
00:12:54,639 --> 00:12:55,979
Okay, well, you just
need a couple drops.
326
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:58,489
- Yeah, all right, just a prick, just
a little prick. - Just a prick. Okay.
327
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:01,021
Oh, my God, so much blood!
328
00:13:01,046 --> 00:13:03,439
- Oh, so much blood, I think we hit
an artery, Dee, look at this. - Yeah.
329
00:13:03,459 --> 00:13:04,705
- Oh, shit.
- Is he okay?
330
00:13:04,730 --> 00:13:06,770
No, he's okay, you know,
the duct tape'll stop it.
331
00:13:06,783 --> 00:13:08,983
Okay, let's just get...
Wait, oh, shit, this is leaking.
332
00:13:08,991 --> 00:13:10,606
Oh, no. Oh, shit,
I'm holding it...
333
00:13:10,619 --> 00:13:12,825
Wait, wait, stop, stop!
Oh, damn it.
334
00:13:12,850 --> 00:13:14,998
Shoot, Charlie, I'm sorry,
I was trying to help.
335
00:13:15,004 --> 00:13:17,068
Can't imagine it was gonna be
a very good sample anyway--
336
00:13:17,093 --> 00:13:18,884
there are quite a few pickles
floating around in that bag.
337
00:13:18,897 --> 00:13:20,623
- Yeah, what I was thinking.
- Shit.
338
00:13:20,630 --> 00:13:23,177
Wait a second-- which one of
you and Dennis was firstborn?
339
00:13:23,197 --> 00:13:24,995
- We're twins.
- No, I know, I know, but, like,
340
00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:26,848
who did Barbara actually,
like, pop out first?
341
00:13:26,861 --> 00:13:28,024
Oh, shit.
342
00:13:28,487 --> 00:13:31,680
Oh, Charlie.
"Worst is first!"
343
00:13:31,693 --> 00:13:33,168
- What is that?
- "Worst is first."
344
00:13:33,179 --> 00:13:35,505
My mom used to say that to me all
the time because I was first
345
00:13:35,530 --> 00:13:36,870
and she thought
I was the worst.
346
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:39,542
- Holy shit, that's terrible, but
that's good for us. - Yeah! Yeah!
347
00:13:39,562 --> 00:13:42,008
Okay, so that means you're
the rightful heir to the butt chair.
348
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:44,376
So, all right, we can work with that.
All right, let's get out of here,
349
00:13:44,382 --> 00:13:46,513
- come on, we can't tell anybody
about this, all right? - Okay, okay.
350
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,068
Let's... All right, let's just go.
351
00:13:52,882 --> 00:13:54,591
Always hated these.
352
00:13:55,037 --> 00:13:56,184
So that's gonna change.
353
00:13:56,190 --> 00:13:59,240
Worst is first, dude,
worst is first.
354
00:13:59,259 --> 00:14:02,646
- What are you talking about, man?
- Dee is conspiring against you.
355
00:14:03,173 --> 00:14:04,503
Charlie figured it out.
356
00:14:04,528 --> 00:14:06,394
"Worst is first."
357
00:14:06,409 --> 00:14:08,569
Charlie and Dee were
getting blood from Frank
358
00:14:08,594 --> 00:14:11,880
when Charlie realized
Dee was born first.
359
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:13,607
Therefore,
she's the rightful heir.
360
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,806
Then I got a little bit
more blood from Frank,
361
00:14:15,831 --> 00:14:17,688
'cause I feel like we're probably
gonna use it in the future
362
00:14:17,713 --> 00:14:20,020
- and he was already opened up, so
who gives a shit? - Okay, all right.
363
00:14:20,032 --> 00:14:21,512
How'd you get all
this information?
364
00:14:21,518 --> 00:14:23,825
I was hiding in
Frank's apartment,
365
00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:26,817
and then they went out into the hallway
and I heard them through the door.
366
00:14:26,830 --> 00:14:30,245
Dude, the best part is I'm gonna use
this information to leverage you
367
00:14:30,258 --> 00:14:32,220
into giving me a better
position under your reign.
368
00:14:32,233 --> 00:14:33,718
You just told me the infor...
369
00:14:34,354 --> 00:14:36,121
You know what? Forget it.
Good job.
370
00:14:36,140 --> 00:14:38,801
Um, how about the position of
my pawn, how's that sound?
371
00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:41,224
- Pawn. Pawns are cool, there's a lot
of them, you know. - Yeah.
372
00:14:41,243 --> 00:14:42,410
They move diagonally.
373
00:14:42,416 --> 00:14:44,399
I've always thought that I move
a little bit too much forward
374
00:14:44,412 --> 00:14:46,634
and back and I should
be more like... like...
375
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:49,173
'Cause then, you can't see me
if I'm coming at you like this.
376
00:14:49,193 --> 00:14:51,454
Like, sideways.
Well, watch.
377
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,829
Well, don't move your head, dude. All
right, what if you keep your head
378
00:14:53,842 --> 00:14:56,222
- there but close your eyes...
- You know, it doesn't matter.
379
00:14:56,235 --> 00:14:57,932
I need you to do
something for me.
380
00:15:06,284 --> 00:15:08,717
Oh... oh, my God.
That is crazy.
381
00:15:08,737 --> 00:15:10,691
It's the smell of
a thousand butts.
382
00:15:10,716 --> 00:15:13,229
Hey! Dennis! Dennis,
I did your bidding.
383
00:15:13,235 --> 00:15:14,742
- Good.
- Yeah.
384
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:16,335
Frank is on his way.
385
00:15:16,348 --> 00:15:19,841
But dude, whatever it is you got
planned, you better do it fast,
386
00:15:19,854 --> 00:15:22,244
because if Dee and Charlie get that
birth certificate, you're screwed.
387
00:15:22,257 --> 00:15:24,461
Look, Mac, I told you,
I've got it under control.
388
00:15:24,473 --> 00:15:26,768
Everything is going
according to my plan.
389
00:15:26,787 --> 00:15:27,476
Right.
390
00:15:27,501 --> 00:15:30,282
- Worst is first!
- Worst is first!
391
00:15:30,289 --> 00:15:33,709
- (raspy): Oh, brother, looks as though
you've underest... - Stop doing that.
392
00:15:33,734 --> 00:15:34,754
- It doesn't work.
- No?
393
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,167
Look, we found the birth certificate
proving Dee was born first.
394
00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:38,045
- Mm-hmm.
- Worst is first.
395
00:15:38,058 --> 00:15:40,498
Worst is first, yeah, and then Charlie
and I, we made a blood oath,
396
00:15:40,511 --> 00:15:42,227
- so now we're in cahoots.
- Yeah!
397
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,440
Hey, Trundle, can
I get in on that?
398
00:15:43,459 --> 00:15:44,549
- Ugh!
- I'm on their side.
399
00:15:44,562 --> 00:15:46,470
- Nasty.
- You idiots.
400
00:15:46,490 --> 00:15:48,095
Did you not think that
I had anticipated this?
401
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,973
While you were running
around town like lunatics,
402
00:15:49,998 --> 00:15:53,298
chopping your hands to bits,
I did a little bit of research.
403
00:15:53,311 --> 00:15:56,844
Turns out Franquito isn't a
shell corporation after all.
404
00:15:56,857 --> 00:15:57,871
He's a person.
405
00:15:58,441 --> 00:16:02,088
- Dee, you remember Josefina, our
maid from the early '80s? - Yeah.
406
00:16:02,107 --> 00:16:04,394
Well, it turns out Frank had
been banging her for years,
407
00:16:04,419 --> 00:16:07,306
and just before we
were born, he was.
408
00:16:08,097 --> 00:16:09,144
Franquito!
409
00:16:09,157 --> 00:16:10,489
Ven acá!
410
00:16:12,749 --> 00:16:14,129
Holy shit!
411
00:16:14,142 --> 00:16:15,394
- Whoa!
- What?
412
00:16:15,414 --> 00:16:17,014
Yeah, look upon him.
413
00:16:17,039 --> 00:16:19,544
Yeah, he doesn't speak any English, by
the way, so don't try talking to him.
414
00:16:19,557 --> 00:16:20,884
But we worked
something out.
415
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:23,944
Yeah, Frank's shares go to him,
'cause he's the firstborn...
416
00:16:23,969 --> 00:16:25,949
and then Franquito
signs to me.
417
00:16:25,962 --> 00:16:28,250
It's game, set and match.
418
00:16:30,225 --> 00:16:31,079
(engine sputters)
419
00:16:31,099 --> 00:16:32,580
Holy shit.
420
00:16:33,990 --> 00:16:35,804
What is happening
right now?
421
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,083
I'm not...
422
00:16:37,095 --> 00:16:39,095
I'm not feeling so well.
423
00:16:39,715 --> 00:16:41,916
Retirement is difficult.
424
00:16:41,941 --> 00:16:43,238
(coughs thickly)
425
00:16:43,257 --> 00:16:44,817
Anyway... hey, Frank!
426
00:16:45,314 --> 00:16:46,834
Guess who this is.
427
00:16:46,841 --> 00:16:48,486
Haven't seen him in
a while, have you?
428
00:16:48,511 --> 00:16:51,126
♪ ♪
429
00:16:51,146 --> 00:16:52,341
Come closer.
430
00:16:53,582 --> 00:16:54,889
It's your son.
431
00:16:55,697 --> 00:16:57,150
Franquito.
432
00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:00,780
Yes.
433
00:17:01,751 --> 00:17:04,155
Of course it is.
434
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,114
Look how beautiful he is.
435
00:17:08,024 --> 00:17:10,752
Oh! My one true child.
436
00:17:10,777 --> 00:17:12,104
Come closer.
437
00:17:12,127 --> 00:17:13,293
(gasps)
438
00:17:13,309 --> 00:17:14,869
Oh!
439
00:17:14,875 --> 00:17:18,230
You give me so much
joy right now.
440
00:17:18,236 --> 00:17:21,076
And, so, Frank, the bar
shall go to him.
441
00:17:21,089 --> 00:17:21,749
Oh!
442
00:17:21,762 --> 00:17:23,389
Just need you to sign
here and here.
443
00:17:23,394 --> 00:17:27,525
When a man is no longer
needed in the tribe,
444
00:17:27,550 --> 00:17:29,602
his body betrays him.
445
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,296
Yeah.
446
00:17:30,309 --> 00:17:33,254
When he has no purpose,
447
00:17:33,255 --> 00:17:36,433
the blood seems
to drain from his body,
448
00:17:36,458 --> 00:17:40,397
leaving him a shell of
the man he once was.
449
00:17:40,416 --> 00:17:42,263
All right, I don't know where you're
going with this, but can you just sign?
450
00:17:42,276 --> 00:17:44,001
I'm unretiring.
451
00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:44,901
Wh-What?!
452
00:17:44,914 --> 00:17:46,374
I have a plan.
453
00:17:46,387 --> 00:17:48,287
I will retain all,
454
00:17:48,312 --> 00:17:54,198
and Franquito will help me run
the bar as my number two.
455
00:17:55,411 --> 00:17:57,910
Speaking of number two...
456
00:17:57,935 --> 00:17:59,415
(farts loudly)
- Oh! - Dude. - Oh!
457
00:17:59,435 --> 00:18:00,495
(people groaning)
458
00:18:00,508 --> 00:18:01,973
Damn it! Come on.
I just cleaned that.
459
00:18:01,992 --> 00:18:03,975
That's Frank's butt smell.
That is it. I told you.
460
00:18:03,995 --> 00:18:05,634
- That is the exact smell of the chair.
- Oh, no!
461
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,747
Everything is better
than it was before.
462
00:18:07,759 --> 00:18:09,046
- No, it isn't.
- No.
463
00:18:09,065 --> 00:18:13,099
- It's so much worse.
- I have my son to rule with me.
464
00:18:13,112 --> 00:18:14,351
No, you don't.
465
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,595
- What do you mean?
- Because Franquito's not your son.
466
00:18:18,601 --> 00:18:20,874
- I made it all up.
- What?! How?!
467
00:18:20,886 --> 00:18:22,394
All right, look, guys,
it's very simple.
468
00:18:22,407 --> 00:18:25,460
Seven years ago, I walked into
a Wahwah, and I saw this guy,
469
00:18:25,485 --> 00:18:29,332
and I thought, "Holy shit! That guy looks
just like Frank, but, you know, Mexican."
470
00:18:29,345 --> 00:18:32,652
And then I came up with a plan
where I could make Frank believe
471
00:18:32,671 --> 00:18:35,949
that he had a son with our maid
Josefina all those years ago,
472
00:18:35,955 --> 00:18:38,486
and I could bilk him out of
a shitload of money under the guise
473
00:18:38,505 --> 00:18:40,375
that the money was all going
to his firstborn son,
474
00:18:40,381 --> 00:18:42,950
Franquito, when, in fact, the
money was going to me.
475
00:18:42,963 --> 00:18:44,816
And it worked, too.
It was a good plan.
476
00:18:44,829 --> 00:18:46,510
Yeah, but that's, like...
477
00:18:46,535 --> 00:18:50,266
incredibly devious, dude. I mean,
you've been screwing Frank for years?
478
00:18:50,283 --> 00:18:53,091
I mean, you guys would have done that,
too, right, if you'd thought of it?
479
00:18:53,111 --> 00:18:55,367
- Uh, I don't... I don't know.
- I don't know, man. I mean...
480
00:18:55,379 --> 00:18:57,701
Yeah, I think you guys would
have, but, either way,
481
00:18:57,726 --> 00:18:59,636
it doesn't matter, you know,
'cause everything is, uh,
482
00:18:59,661 --> 00:19:01,691
as it should be, so
let's grab some drinks.
483
00:19:01,716 --> 00:19:03,944
No, no, everything is
not as it should be.
484
00:19:03,964 --> 00:19:05,361
You tried to screw
us out of the bar.
485
00:19:05,367 --> 00:19:07,217
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you tried
to steal the bar. - No, no, no, no,
486
00:19:07,242 --> 00:19:09,022
I was trying to get things to go
back to the way they were--
487
00:19:09,047 --> 00:19:10,637
get him back on the throne,
and, you know,
488
00:19:10,662 --> 00:19:13,524
so we could get back to doing all
the things that we love to do at Paddy's,
489
00:19:13,549 --> 00:19:16,722
you know, like, um, finding out
what's at the bottom of a hole.
490
00:19:17,293 --> 00:19:18,566
- Shit.
- Right? Did we ever?
491
00:19:18,579 --> 00:19:20,297
Did you guys ever find out what
was at the bottom of that?
492
00:19:20,310 --> 00:19:21,472
No, we dropped
it completely.
493
00:19:21,497 --> 00:19:24,450
- Yeah. - Oh, shit, dude. There could be
a Goonies situation down there, right?
494
00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:26,576
- That. Yeah, that's what I was thinking,
yeah. - Yeah, we were discussing it.
495
00:19:26,590 --> 00:19:28,557
- You know, the hole... The hole in
the bathroom? - You feeling better?
496
00:19:28,579 --> 00:19:29,636
Yeah, I feel pretty
good about this.
497
00:19:29,646 --> 00:19:31,173
All right, come on,
let's go check it out.
498
00:19:31,193 --> 00:19:33,200
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's get in the bathroom.
499
00:19:33,207 --> 00:19:36,244
- You want to try to flush that thing
one more time? - Ah, the hole.
500
00:19:36,257 --> 00:19:39,336
Oh, I'm so excited things are
back to the way they were.
501
00:19:41,141 --> 00:19:42,465
Yes.
502
00:19:43,201 --> 00:19:47,445
Go play in your little
hole, you fools.
503
00:19:47,452 --> 00:19:50,465
You still need me to stick
around, or can I...?
504
00:19:50,485 --> 00:19:52,860
No, Franquito.
We're done here.
505
00:19:53,679 --> 00:19:56,099
- Can I get my five bucks?
- Yes, you can get your five bucks.
506
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,492
Goddamn, you're
a greedy bastard.
507
00:19:57,499 --> 00:20:04,499
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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