1
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:36,000
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)
2
00:01:40,814 --> 00:01:42,441
[Charlie]
We think it's a sinkhole! It's awesome!
3
00:01:42,516 --> 00:01:44,780
- [Dennis] It's not that awesome.
- [Mac] It's blowing my mind!
4
00:01:44,851 --> 00:01:46,944
How is a hole in the ground
blowing your mind?
5
00:01:47,020 --> 00:01:48,783
I was a little skeptical at first too...
6
00:01:48,855 --> 00:01:51,323
but we've been playing with this thing for
three hours now, and it's fantastic.
7
00:01:51,391 --> 00:01:53,450
Can I ask,
how do you play with a goddamn hole?
8
00:01:53,527 --> 00:01:56,655
First, we started just, like, throwing things
down it, and then we never heard it land.
9
00:01:56,730 --> 00:01:58,391
It would just kind of
rattle around down there.
10
00:01:58,465 --> 00:02:00,660
Then we got a flashlight
to see if we could see the bottom.
11
00:02:00,734 --> 00:02:02,827
We couldn't.
Then I threw it down there to prove a point.
12
00:02:02,903 --> 00:02:04,734
- What was the point?
- It was something to do...
13
00:02:04,805 --> 00:02:07,831
with how metal travels faster than light or...
14
00:02:07,908 --> 00:02:12,174
No, it was that light is either on or off.
There's no speed to light.
15
00:02:12,245 --> 00:02:13,769
It's... It was an antiscience thing.
16
00:02:13,847 --> 00:02:15,872
This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis.
17
00:02:15,949 --> 00:02:18,747
I mean, it represents
infinite possibilities. It's endless.
18
00:02:18,819 --> 00:02:20,309
What if there's a mutant living down there?
19
00:02:20,387 --> 00:02:22,514
We can get him up.
He can live in the bar with us.
20
00:02:22,589 --> 00:02:25,217
We've already got one mutant
hanging out with us in the bar all the time.
21
00:02:25,292 --> 00:02:27,260
[All Laugh]
22
00:02:27,327 --> 00:02:29,522
Hey, Frank,
did you hear what I said?
23
00:02:29,596 --> 00:02:31,860
I turned a frustrating conversation
into a joke on you.
24
00:02:31,932 --> 00:02:35,424
- The, uh... thing.
- Huh? Oh, y-yeah.
25
00:02:35,502 --> 00:02:37,868
Frank, what do you think about this hole?
Pretty cool, huh?
26
00:02:37,938 --> 00:02:40,907
- You want to do something with it?
- No. I don't.
27
00:02:40,974 --> 00:02:43,534
In fact,
something just dawned on me.
28
00:02:43,610 --> 00:02:45,100
I need to quit.
29
00:02:45,178 --> 00:02:47,339
What... What? What are...
What are you talking about?
30
00:02:47,414 --> 00:02:49,439
I don't care anything about this hole.
31
00:02:49,516 --> 00:02:51,279
I-I-I'm passionless.
32
00:02:51,351 --> 00:02:53,012
What are you saying, Frank?
33
00:02:53,086 --> 00:02:57,182
I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.
34
00:03:02,796 --> 00:03:05,731
[All]
Yeah!
35
00:03:28,522 --> 00:03:30,217
[Dennis]
All right, now, with Frank retiring...
36
00:03:30,290 --> 00:03:33,418
I know we're all a little bit concerned
about how that affects everyone's shares.
37
00:03:33,493 --> 00:03:36,951
Frank owned 51%
of Paddy's Pub, and we owned 46%.
38
00:03:37,030 --> 00:03:38,520
Well, we did, not... not Dee.
39
00:03:38,598 --> 00:03:40,088
She doesn't own shit.
[Laughs]
40
00:03:40,166 --> 00:03:42,066
- Yeah, I know. Goddamn it.
- Yeah, yeah.
41
00:03:42,135 --> 00:03:44,365
And, Charlie, you actually
gave up most of your shares...
42
00:03:44,437 --> 00:03:46,405
for various sandwiches
and snacks and sundries and things.
43
00:03:46,473 --> 00:03:47,963
What the hell is a Franquito?
44
00:03:48,041 --> 00:03:50,509
It says Franquito
owns three percent of Paddy's Pub?
45
00:03:50,577 --> 00:03:53,603
Oh, yeah. I don't know. That's probably one
of Frank's weird shell corporations.
46
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,910
It doesn't matter.
Who gives a shit? It's only three percent.
47
00:03:55,982 --> 00:03:58,849
Whoever gets Frank's 51%
is the majority shareholder.
48
00:03:58,919 --> 00:04:03,083
That is who controls the bar.
That is who gets the throne.
49
00:04:03,156 --> 00:04:05,386
Oh, there's a throne?
50
00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:08,120
Oh, sorry. No, I was just
referring to the desk chair as the throne...
51
00:04:08,194 --> 00:04:09,684
'cause that's where the boss man sits.
52
00:04:09,763 --> 00:04:11,788
[Scoffs] Gross.
That chair smells like Frank's butt.
53
00:04:11,865 --> 00:04:15,096
It's not actually Frank's butt. I think it's
a combination of all of our butt smells.
54
00:04:15,168 --> 00:04:16,362
- [Dee] That's worse.
- Yeah.
55
00:04:16,436 --> 00:04:17,926
Why would anybody want that chair?
56
00:04:18,004 --> 00:04:19,494
No, no, it's not about the chair itself.
57
00:04:19,573 --> 00:04:22,133
- It's what the chair represents.
The chair represents power. - Mmm.
58
00:04:22,208 --> 00:04:24,938
Okay, well, all right.
How do we divvy up Frank's shares then?
59
00:04:25,011 --> 00:04:28,572
Uh...
[Exhales] Okay, well, um...
60
00:04:28,648 --> 00:04:30,206
I'll-I'll take 'em.
61
00:04:30,283 --> 00:04:32,114
You? You?
You think we're gonna give the shares...
62
00:04:32,185 --> 00:04:35,746
to the man who wants to pull a mutant from a
mystery hole in the bar and live with him?
63
00:04:35,822 --> 00:04:37,653
Look, I'm just trying
to come up with a system.
64
00:04:37,724 --> 00:04:40,215
- We got to have a system here...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
65
00:04:40,293 --> 00:04:43,421
We do have a system for
this. Paddy's succession plan, remember?
66
00:04:43,496 --> 00:04:45,555
Oh, shit! Right. Yes, right!
67
00:04:45,632 --> 00:04:47,122
Paddy's succession plan.
68
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,828
It was like a will that we drew up
to help us determine...
69
00:04:49,903 --> 00:04:51,666
who would get each one of our shares...
70
00:04:51,738 --> 00:04:54,263
- in the very likely event of our untimely deaths.
- [Mac] That's right.
71
00:04:54,341 --> 00:04:56,002
We drank, like, three bottles of tequila...
72
00:04:56,076 --> 00:04:58,772
and then we started talking about our legacy
and how important that was to us.
73
00:04:58,845 --> 00:05:00,335
Oh! Got to have a legacy.
74
00:05:00,413 --> 00:05:02,244
- Oh, here we go.
- Oh, oh! Yeah, okay.
75
00:05:02,315 --> 00:05:04,215
- On a paper plate, huh?
- Read it! Read it!
76
00:05:04,284 --> 00:05:07,617
"Paddy's succession plan.
Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here...
77
00:05:07,687 --> 00:05:11,282
henceforth and forevermore, throughout the
birthright of our firstborn kin."
78
00:05:11,358 --> 00:05:13,826
- Who had the pen here?
- It makes sense. Don't be a bitch.
79
00:05:13,893 --> 00:05:18,159
What it means is every one of our shares
gets passed down to our firstborn.
80
00:05:18,231 --> 00:05:20,256
Right, right! Our firstborn!
81
00:05:20,333 --> 00:05:22,563
- The shares get passed down
to the firstborn kin? - Yeah.
82
00:05:22,636 --> 00:05:24,297
We are the firstborn kin of Frank.
83
00:05:24,371 --> 00:05:27,306
Well, now, hang on.
That's not, like, an official document.
84
00:05:27,374 --> 00:05:29,035
Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.
85
00:05:29,109 --> 00:05:31,339
Oh, that... Yeah, there it is...
"Trundle," written in blood.
86
00:05:31,411 --> 00:05:33,504
Oh, yeah, I was going
by Trundle at the time, wasn't I?
87
00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:36,048
No, no, no. You were trying
to write "Charlie" and you wrote "Trundle."
88
00:05:36,116 --> 00:05:37,606
No, I was going by Trundle the Great.
89
00:05:37,684 --> 00:05:39,208
You came up with that after you miswrote it.
90
00:05:39,285 --> 00:05:42,812
Look, the point is you can't just take the
bar based on a paper plate.
91
00:05:42,889 --> 00:05:44,379
Sorry, Charlie.
92
00:05:44,457 --> 00:05:47,722
I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.
I'm your humble servant.
93
00:05:47,794 --> 00:05:49,318
You're just gonna give it to them?
94
00:05:49,396 --> 00:05:51,455
That's a binding contract, okay?
You wrote it in blood.
95
00:05:51,531 --> 00:05:54,500
That's gonna hold up in a court of law and
I know when to pick a side.
96
00:05:54,567 --> 00:05:57,127
- I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.
- Wait, hold on a second.
97
00:05:57,203 --> 00:05:59,569
You guys aren't even actually Frank's kid.
98
00:05:59,639 --> 00:06:01,402
You're Bruce Mathis's kid, all right?
99
00:06:01,474 --> 00:06:03,533
And I technically might be Frank's kid.
100
00:06:05,612 --> 00:06:07,375
Charlie, I pledge my allegiance to you.
101
00:06:07,447 --> 00:06:09,005
No, no, no, no. Wait a second, no.
102
00:06:09,082 --> 00:06:11,550
- But Frank is a Reynolds, and we are Reynolds.
- Yep, we're Reynolds.
103
00:06:11,618 --> 00:06:15,850
Yeah, and it's the name that carries on the
line, not maybe being someone's bastard kid.
104
00:06:17,290 --> 00:06:19,417
It was always you guys.
I tricked him. It was always you.
105
00:06:19,492 --> 00:06:21,892
It is the blood that binds.
106
00:06:21,961 --> 00:06:25,761
And his blood is pumping through my veins.
And I shall prove it.
107
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,934
- [Door Opens, Closes]
- This is a little bit harder...
108
00:06:29,002 --> 00:06:32,062
because he might win 'cause he had some
good points, but you guys might win...
109
00:06:32,138 --> 00:06:34,231
- We don't give a shit about what you're
talking about! - It doesn't matter.
110
00:06:37,277 --> 00:06:39,745
[Sizzling]
111
00:06:39,813 --> 00:06:41,576
[Breathing Heavily]
112
00:06:41,648 --> 00:06:43,639
Hey-o! There's my guy!
113
00:06:43,717 --> 00:06:45,878
Hey, I got a piping hot
grilled Frank for you, okay?
114
00:06:45,952 --> 00:06:47,681
I got the sausage, the Spam, the bacon.
115
00:06:47,754 --> 00:06:50,552
I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and
cooked with a stick of butter.
116
00:06:50,623 --> 00:06:52,284
I don't want that, Charlie.
117
00:06:52,358 --> 00:06:53,848
I'm trying to get in shape.
118
00:06:53,927 --> 00:06:55,918
I read all about this phenomenon...
119
00:06:55,995 --> 00:07:01,092
that guys' bodies immediately turn to shit
the second they retire.
120
00:07:01,167 --> 00:07:03,067
- Oh, yeah?
- I got to work on it.
121
00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:06,071
All right, well, you know,
just-just take a peek, see if you like it.
122
00:07:06,139 --> 00:07:09,370
- Uh, hey, listen, man, can I ask you something?
- What?
123
00:07:09,442 --> 00:07:11,808
Are you, like, um...
124
00:07:11,878 --> 00:07:13,368
my dad?
125
00:07:13,446 --> 00:07:14,572
What?
126
00:07:14,647 --> 00:07:17,275
Are, like...
Are you the father of me and shit?
127
00:07:17,350 --> 00:07:18,840
- We've been over this.
- Yeah.
128
00:07:18,918 --> 00:07:20,476
- Your mother's a giant whore.
- Right.
129
00:07:20,553 --> 00:07:23,044
I don't want to stress about this, Charlie.
I'm retired.
130
00:07:23,123 --> 00:07:25,182
Leave me alone.
I want to watch a little TV.
131
00:07:25,258 --> 00:07:26,748
- Yeah. All right.
- [Mac] Charlie, hey...
132
00:07:26,826 --> 00:07:28,623
Oh. Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
133
00:07:28,695 --> 00:07:30,185
Uh, yeah. Hey.
134
00:07:30,263 --> 00:07:34,097
- Hey, um, I came up with a
really great idea, dude. - Yeah?
135
00:07:34,167 --> 00:07:36,965
I'm gonna play both sides.
136
00:07:37,036 --> 00:07:40,233
- Why would you tell me that?
- Should I not have?
137
00:07:40,306 --> 00:07:43,002
Probably shouldn't 'cause if you're trying
to keep a secret from me, now I know.
138
00:07:43,076 --> 00:07:44,634
I should've... Should I tell them?
139
00:07:44,711 --> 00:07:46,576
No, I don't think
you should tell either side...
140
00:07:46,646 --> 00:07:49,615
'cause if you're trying to play both sides and
they both know, you're not playing anybody.
141
00:07:49,682 --> 00:07:52,674
- What should I do now?
- I don't give a shit. Why are you here?
142
00:07:52,752 --> 00:07:56,586
I'm here to prove my allegiance to you
because I believe that you're the rightful heir.
143
00:07:56,656 --> 00:07:59,784
- Okay, whatever.
- All right, well, I see that you don't believe me.
144
00:07:59,859 --> 00:08:02,327
- Why would I?
- So I am prepared to take a blood oath with you.
145
00:08:02,395 --> 00:08:04,488
- [Flesh Squishing]
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
146
00:08:04,564 --> 00:08:06,054
- Oh, my God, dude!
- Oh, God.
147
00:08:06,132 --> 00:08:08,498
- Oh, that was Frank's toe knife!
- Oh, it hurts so much.
148
00:08:08,568 --> 00:08:10,433
- Quick, shake on it.
- No, I'm not gonna touch your blood.
149
00:08:10,503 --> 00:08:12,334
Do you have something I could...
I gotta close this wound.
150
00:08:12,405 --> 00:08:14,999
- Plug it up. - That was not as
cool as I thought it was gonna be.
151
00:08:15,074 --> 00:08:16,974
That sock's probably gonna
get it more infected though.
152
00:08:17,043 --> 00:08:19,238
All right, look, look,
look, look, look, look, look, dude.
153
00:08:19,312 --> 00:08:22,076
- We gotta prove that Frank is your dad.
- I know.
154
00:08:22,148 --> 00:08:24,673
- That makes you the rightful... - He doesn't
want to have that conversation with me.
155
00:08:24,751 --> 00:08:26,378
He's certainly not gonna get tested,
you know?
156
00:08:26,452 --> 00:08:28,010
He's really resistant to the whole thing.
157
00:08:28,087 --> 00:08:30,954
[Sighs] All right, then we're gonna have
to do some testing of our own.
158
00:08:31,024 --> 00:08:34,323
- Yeah?
- I can choke a man out in four seconds flat.
159
00:08:34,394 --> 00:08:37,192
Oh, yeah? Yeah, I guess
we could try that or, uh...
160
00:08:37,263 --> 00:08:38,753
Yeah. All right.
161
00:08:38,832 --> 00:08:42,199
You know, we could probably
take his blood right now. He's out.
162
00:08:42,268 --> 00:08:43,758
He's staring right at us.
163
00:08:43,837 --> 00:08:45,998
Yeah, he's been falling
asleep with his eyes open like that.
164
00:08:46,072 --> 00:08:48,802
But he's way out. I mean, we could prick
him. He won't feel a thing.
165
00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:50,399
Frank!
166
00:08:57,016 --> 00:08:58,847
- Anything?
- Nothing!
167
00:08:58,918 --> 00:09:01,148
Not a single butt smell to that.
How is that possible?
168
00:09:01,221 --> 00:09:03,553
I don't know. It's either this guy's butt
or this brand of chair.
169
00:09:03,623 --> 00:09:06,717
- It's got to be the brand, right?
- We got to get one of these for our throne.
170
00:09:06,793 --> 00:09:09,455
- Yeah. Yeah. Hey!
- Hey! Hey, what do you say, Doc?
171
00:09:09,529 --> 00:09:13,488
So, what is the verdict?
Is Frank Charlie's dad or not?
172
00:09:13,566 --> 00:09:15,227
I don't know. I don't know who that is.
173
00:09:15,301 --> 00:09:17,235
What I do know is I came
to work this morning...
174
00:09:17,303 --> 00:09:19,271
to find a very large
bucket of blood in my lab.
175
00:09:19,339 --> 00:09:21,933
Yeah, well, that's the sample, obviously,
and, uh, you know...
176
00:09:22,008 --> 00:09:24,772
if it's too big, it's 'cause Frank sprung a
little bit of a leak there.
177
00:09:24,844 --> 00:09:27,074
- [Laughs] Yeah, it was a mess, huh?
- He was bleeding like crazy.
178
00:09:27,146 --> 00:09:29,341
There was blood everywhere.
But we caught enough of it.
179
00:09:29,415 --> 00:09:31,474
- Yeah, we must have caught a deep
vein or something. - I think.
180
00:09:31,551 --> 00:09:33,576
Wait a second.
Most of this came from one man?
181
00:09:33,653 --> 00:09:36,213
- Did we take too much? I didn't
think we took too much. - Nah.
182
00:09:36,289 --> 00:09:38,018
Yes. You took too much.
183
00:09:38,091 --> 00:09:42,460
Also, there's traces of more than four individuals
in here, and at least one animal.
184
00:09:42,528 --> 00:09:43,620
Ah, shit.
185
00:09:43,696 --> 00:09:45,721
Was there blood in the bucket before?
186
00:09:45,798 --> 00:09:48,323
It is a blood bucket,
so, yeah, there was old blood.
187
00:09:48,401 --> 00:09:50,232
I didn't come here to get sassed, okay?
188
00:09:50,303 --> 00:09:52,134
I came here to get an answer to my question.
189
00:09:52,205 --> 00:09:53,934
So is Frank Charlie's dad or not?
190
00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:55,804
The only thing that
I can tell you is that...
191
00:09:55,875 --> 00:09:57,672
based off of how much
blood is in this bucket...
192
00:09:57,744 --> 00:10:00,212
your friend is in desperate need of blood.
193
00:10:02,982 --> 00:10:05,212
[Dennis]
All right, Dee, the bar is finally ours.
194
00:10:05,285 --> 00:10:06,809
Let's talk redecoration.
195
00:10:06,886 --> 00:10:09,980
- Well, I'm thinking chrome, and I'm
thinking chrome everywhere. - Hmm.
196
00:10:10,056 --> 00:10:12,581
The other thing that's important to me
is a proper dance floor.
197
00:10:12,659 --> 00:10:16,117
That way, any time I want to just pop a
boogie, I can do it wherever I am...
198
00:10:16,195 --> 00:10:18,220
and it won't be weird, you know what I mean?
199
00:10:18,298 --> 00:10:20,698
- Okay.
- [Sinister Voice] Oh, think of it, brother.
200
00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:23,736
With them out of the way,
we can do as we please.
201
00:10:23,803 --> 00:10:27,398
Two butts, one throne.
202
00:10:27,473 --> 00:10:30,169
You know what, you've been doing this all
day. Why are you talking like that?
203
00:10:30,243 --> 00:10:32,609
- [Normal Voice] I'm just being... I'm being arch.
- Why?
204
00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:34,510
Well, because we're being
devious and we're plotting...
205
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:37,947
and I just wanted to make sure that it was
clear that we were devious and plotting.
206
00:10:38,017 --> 00:10:40,781
You don't need to indicate to me that you're being
devious when you're actually being devious.
207
00:10:40,853 --> 00:10:44,584
I guess I had some concerns that you wouldn't
pick up on it if I didn't make it super clear.
208
00:10:44,657 --> 00:10:46,887
But if you start doing that,
everybody's gonna pick up on it.
209
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,484
- And that defeats the purpose.
- Yeah, got it.
210
00:10:48,561 --> 00:10:51,359
Dennis, Dee, quickly.
We don't have much time.
211
00:10:51,431 --> 00:10:55,424
Charlie and I doctored a paternity test to
make it look like Frank is Charlie's dad.
212
00:10:55,501 --> 00:10:59,028
But the tests were actually inconclusive.
There was too much blood in the bucket to tell.
213
00:10:59,105 --> 00:11:02,438
The reason I'm telling you all this is
because I'm playing both sides...
214
00:11:02,508 --> 00:11:04,567
so that I always come out on top.
215
00:11:04,644 --> 00:11:06,942
So, with this information,
I'm gonna leverage you guys...
216
00:11:07,013 --> 00:11:10,505
into making me the head of security
at the new Paddy's Pub.
217
00:11:10,583 --> 00:11:14,246
Okay, okay, couple things right off the bat
there, pal. Number one, um...
218
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,652
- never tell one side that you're
playing both sides. - Yeah.
219
00:11:16,723 --> 00:11:19,590
And number two, if you are
gonna play both sides...
220
00:11:19,659 --> 00:11:22,651
don't give away the information before
you get what you want.
221
00:11:22,729 --> 00:11:24,356
Oh, shit.
222
00:11:24,430 --> 00:11:26,762
- Right. Don't give away the information.
- Yeah.
223
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:29,358
All right. If I am gonna play both sides,
what should I do?
224
00:11:29,435 --> 00:11:31,960
You're still telling us that you're playing
both sides, so why would we help you?
225
00:11:32,038 --> 00:11:35,701
Uh... Okay, well, what if I make a blood
allegiance to you guys?
226
00:11:35,775 --> 00:11:37,572
- Oh! Gross.
- Ooh.
227
00:11:37,643 --> 00:11:40,771
Yeah, I, uh... I sliced it
with Frank's toe knife and, uh...
228
00:11:40,847 --> 00:11:42,872
It's not bleeding anymore,
but maybe I could...
229
00:11:42,949 --> 00:11:44,507
- Oh, yeah, here. I'll just get it again.
- Oh.
230
00:11:44,584 --> 00:11:46,313
- [Flesh Squishing]
- Oh, shit!
231
00:11:46,386 --> 00:11:48,877
- Oh, God!
- Jesus, dude, that was the lime knife.
232
00:11:48,955 --> 00:11:52,823
- Oh, I feel that... It stings. Oh, Dee, here,
shake my... - No, get away from me. Gross.
233
00:11:52,892 --> 00:11:54,553
- Ah, Dennis?
- No, your blood is disgusting.
234
00:11:54,627 --> 00:11:57,061
- [Grunts] What should I do?
- Go to the doctor.
235
00:11:57,130 --> 00:11:59,997
- Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of
me, man? - 'Cause I'm playing both sides.
236
00:12:00,066 --> 00:12:01,693
- Jesus Christ.
- Wow.
237
00:12:01,768 --> 00:12:03,998
Well, it doesn't matter.
Okay, guys, I got some documentation here...
238
00:12:04,070 --> 00:12:06,231
proving that I am the rightful heir
to Frank's butt chair.
239
00:12:06,305 --> 00:12:08,000
- Yeah.
- All right, Charlie, save it. Save it.
240
00:12:08,074 --> 00:12:10,542
Mac already told us that that's not
a real paternity test.
241
00:12:10,610 --> 00:12:13,374
What the hell, dude?
You swore a blood oath to me.
242
00:12:13,446 --> 00:12:15,505
Dude, you never touched my blood, okay?
243
00:12:15,581 --> 00:12:17,811
All right, you know what,
if you really want to work here...
244
00:12:17,884 --> 00:12:19,545
- kick Charlie out of here.
- Hmm.
245
00:12:19,619 --> 00:12:21,780
- Really?
- [Dee] Mm-hmm.
246
00:12:21,854 --> 00:12:25,346
No problem, dude.
Charlie, let's go, bud. Get...
247
00:12:25,425 --> 00:12:28,053
All right, dude, I'm gonna carry you out.
[Shouts, Grunts]
248
00:12:28,127 --> 00:12:30,823
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God, he is so heavy.
249
00:12:30,897 --> 00:12:32,728
He's, like,
grounding himself with something.
250
00:12:32,799 --> 00:12:35,233
Oh, now he's going limp.
No, come on, dude. That's not fair.
251
00:12:35,301 --> 00:12:37,633
Help me out here, Charlie. Help me out.
252
00:12:37,703 --> 00:12:39,568
That's it, dude.
That's it. I'm choking you out.
253
00:12:39,639 --> 00:12:41,732
- Okay.
- You're going out, dude. You're going to sleep.
254
00:12:41,808 --> 00:12:44,333
Good night, dude. Good night, bitch.
255
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,775
[Groans]
256
00:12:50,983 --> 00:12:52,917
Your head of security
just choked himself out.
257
00:12:52,985 --> 00:12:55,112
[Sighs]
258
00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:01,286
Hey, Frank, I know
you're trying to be healthy...
259
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,294
so I got you a hoagie
with extra pickles in it.
260
00:13:03,362 --> 00:13:04,954
I figured you could use
the veggies and stuff...
261
00:13:05,031 --> 00:13:08,159
- Oh, shit!
- Hi, Charlie.
262
00:13:09,035 --> 00:13:10,662
What's going on with you, man?
263
00:13:10,736 --> 00:13:12,727
I forgot to dye my hair this morning.
264
00:13:12,805 --> 00:13:14,432
What's up with your teeth?
265
00:13:14,507 --> 00:13:17,567
I was eating some of Deandra's
pyramid scheme berries...
266
00:13:17,643 --> 00:13:19,235
to try to get healthy.
267
00:13:19,312 --> 00:13:22,076
- Right.
- I feel a little light-headed.
268
00:13:22,148 --> 00:13:24,207
All right, well,
I'm sure it's nothing, you know.
269
00:13:24,283 --> 00:13:26,911
Probably just, like,
tired from working hard and then...
270
00:13:26,986 --> 00:13:29,784
You know, the body crashes when... 0h, shit,
did you fall asleep again?
271
00:13:29,856 --> 00:13:30,914
[Snores]
272
00:13:30,990 --> 00:13:32,423
Frank?
273
00:13:32,492 --> 00:13:33,982
- Is he dead?
- Oh, shit.
274
00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:35,960
- He looks bad.
- What are you sneaking up on me for?
275
00:13:36,028 --> 00:13:37,962
Listen.
Dennis is acting weird and I don't like it.
276
00:13:38,030 --> 00:13:40,191
Now I know he's got something planned,
but he's not indicating...
277
00:13:40,266 --> 00:13:41,756
so I don't know what it is.
278
00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:43,859
Right. No, I get that, I guess, so...
279
00:13:43,936 --> 00:13:47,394
[Sinister Voice] Yes, yes, exactly,
Charlie. So here's the plan...
280
00:13:47,473 --> 00:13:51,341
- We need to outsmart him before he can
have us murdered... - Are you okay?
281
00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:52,707
And throw us in... Hmm?
282
00:13:52,778 --> 00:13:54,268
Do you need a glass of water or something?
283
00:13:55,515 --> 00:13:57,107
- [Normal Voice] No, I'm good.
- What's happening?
284
00:13:57,183 --> 00:13:59,208
- I'm... I'm being arch.
- Oh.
285
00:13:59,285 --> 00:14:00,684
We're doing a thing together,
so you know...
286
00:14:00,753 --> 00:14:02,880
Yeah, no, I know,
just 'cause you're telling me what's up.
287
00:14:02,955 --> 00:14:06,220
Okay, okay, fine. The point is we gotta prove
that you're the rightful heir to the throne.
288
00:14:06,292 --> 00:14:07,884
Of course.
That's why I got this plastic bag...
289
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,450
'cause my blood bucket was inconclusive.
290
00:14:09,529 --> 00:14:11,292
- You just need a couple drops.
- Right, yeah.
291
00:14:11,364 --> 00:14:13,298
- So let's open him up.
- Yeah, all right. But, you know...
292
00:14:13,366 --> 00:14:15,926
we gotta be careful 'cause I think I took
too much blood last time.
293
00:14:16,002 --> 00:14:17,492
- Is that what's going on?
- Yeah.
294
00:14:17,570 --> 00:14:19,060
[Dee]
Okay, you just need a couple drops.
295
00:14:19,138 --> 00:14:21,197
- All right, just a prick. Just a little prick.
- Just a prick.
296
00:14:21,274 --> 00:14:23,435
- Oh! It's a tremendous amount of blood.
- Dear God, so much blood!
297
00:14:23,509 --> 00:14:25,568
So much blood!
I think we hit an artery. Look at this.
298
00:14:25,645 --> 00:14:27,135
- Yeah.
- Oh, shit.
299
00:14:27,213 --> 00:14:29,306
- Is he okay?
- No, he's okay. The duct tape'll stop it.
300
00:14:29,382 --> 00:14:31,646
Okay, let's just get...
Wait. Oh, shit, this is leaking.
301
00:14:31,717 --> 00:14:33,412
Oh, no. Oh, shit, here...
302
00:14:33,486 --> 00:14:35,215
- Stop, stop!
- Aaah!
303
00:14:35,288 --> 00:14:37,688
- Oh, damn it.
- Shoot, Charlie, I'm sorry. I was trying to help.
304
00:14:37,757 --> 00:14:39,622
Can't imagine it was gonna be
a very good sample anyway.
305
00:14:39,692 --> 00:14:41,387
There are quite a few pickles
floating around in that bag.
306
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,291
- Yeah, let's think.
- Shit.
307
00:14:43,362 --> 00:14:45,853
Wait a second...
Which one of you and Dennis was firstborn?
308
00:14:45,932 --> 00:14:47,763
- We're twins.
- No, I know, I know, but, like...
309
00:14:47,833 --> 00:14:49,562
who did Barbara actually,
like, pop out first?
310
00:14:49,635 --> 00:14:51,193
Oh, shit.
311
00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:52,703
Oh, Charlie.
312
00:14:52,772 --> 00:14:55,070
- "Worst is first!"
- What is that?
313
00:14:55,141 --> 00:14:57,609
"Worst is first." My mom used to say that to
me all the time...
314
00:14:57,677 --> 00:14:59,668
because I was first
and she thought I was the worst.
315
00:14:59,745 --> 00:15:02,179
- Holy shit, that's terrible, but that's good for us.
- Yeah!
316
00:15:02,248 --> 00:15:04,443
- Yeah! - So that means you're the
rightful heir to the butt chair.
317
00:15:04,517 --> 00:15:06,246
So, all right, we can work with that.
318
00:15:06,319 --> 00:15:07,752
Let's get out of here. Come on.
319
00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:09,310
- We can't tell anybody about this, all right?
- Okay.
320
00:15:09,388 --> 00:15:10,878
- All right, let's just go.
- Let's just leave it.
321
00:15:15,695 --> 00:15:18,721
I've always hated these.
So that's gonna change.
322
00:15:18,798 --> 00:15:21,733
Worst is first, dude. Worst is first.
323
00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:23,234
What are you talking about, man?
324
00:15:23,302 --> 00:15:25,896
Dee is conspiring against you.
325
00:15:25,972 --> 00:15:29,066
Charlie figured it out. Worst is first.
326
00:15:29,141 --> 00:15:32,668
Charlie and Dee were getting blood from
Frank when Charlie realized...
327
00:15:32,745 --> 00:15:34,736
Dee was born first.
328
00:15:34,814 --> 00:15:36,304
Therefore, she's the rightful heir.
329
00:15:36,382 --> 00:15:38,907
Then I got a little bit more
blood from Frank, 'cause I feel like...
330
00:15:38,985 --> 00:15:42,216
we're probably gonna use it in the future and
he was already opened up, so who gives a shit?
331
00:15:42,288 --> 00:15:44,222
Okay, all right.
How'd you get all this information?
332
00:15:44,290 --> 00:15:46,417
I was hiding in Frank's apartment...
333
00:15:46,492 --> 00:15:49,552
and then they went out into the hallway and
I heard them through the door.
334
00:15:49,629 --> 00:15:52,063
Dude, the best part
is I'm gonna use this information...
335
00:15:52,131 --> 00:15:54,964
to leverage you into giving me a better
position under your reign.
336
00:15:55,034 --> 00:15:57,093
You just told me the inform...
337
00:15:57,169 --> 00:15:58,830
You know what?
Forget it. Good job.
338
00:15:58,904 --> 00:16:01,566
Um, how about the position of my pawn?
How's that sound?
339
00:16:01,641 --> 00:16:04,940
Pawn. Pawns are cool. There's a lot of them,
you know. They move diagonally.
340
00:16:05,011 --> 00:16:07,639
I've always thought that I move a little bit
too much forward and back...
341
00:16:07,713 --> 00:16:09,442
and I should be more like... like...
342
00:16:09,515 --> 00:16:13,007
'Cause then you can't see me if I'm coming
at you like this. Like, sideways.
343
00:16:13,085 --> 00:16:15,417
Well, watch.
Well, don't move your head, dude.
344
00:16:15,488 --> 00:16:17,456
What if you keep your head there
but close your eyes...
345
00:16:17,523 --> 00:16:20,583
You know what, it doesn't matter. I need you
to do something for me.
346
00:16:28,234 --> 00:16:31,397
[Sniffs]
Oh. Oh, my God. That is crazy.
347
00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:33,301
It's the smell of a thousand butts.
348
00:16:33,372 --> 00:16:35,533
Hey! Dennis! Dennis, I did your bidding.
349
00:16:35,608 --> 00:16:37,269
- Good.
- Yeah.
350
00:16:37,343 --> 00:16:39,004
Frank is on his way.
351
00:16:39,078 --> 00:16:42,479
But, dude, whatever it is you got planned,
you better do it fast...
352
00:16:42,548 --> 00:16:44,812
because if Dee and Charlie
get that birth certificate, you're screwed.
353
00:16:44,884 --> 00:16:47,182
Look, Mac, I told you,
I've got it under control.
354
00:16:47,253 --> 00:16:50,120
- Everything is going according to my plan.
- Right.
355
00:16:50,189 --> 00:16:53,022
[Together]
Worst is first! Worst is first!
356
00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:55,492
- [Laughs] - [Sinister Voice] Oh, Brother,
looks as though you've underes...
357
00:16:55,561 --> 00:16:57,392
- Stop doing that. It doesn't work.
- [Normal Voice] No?
358
00:16:57,463 --> 00:16:59,761
Look, we found the birth certificate
proving Dee was born first.
359
00:16:59,832 --> 00:17:01,459
- Worst is first.
- Worst is first.
360
00:17:01,534 --> 00:17:04,503
Yeah, and then Charlie and I, we made a
blood oath, so now we're in cahoots.
361
00:17:04,570 --> 00:17:06,162
- [Charlie] Yeah!
- Trundle, can I get in on that?
362
00:17:06,238 --> 00:17:08,206
- I'm on their side.
- Nasty.
363
00:17:08,274 --> 00:17:10,765
You idiots. Did you not think that
I had anticipated this?
364
00:17:10,843 --> 00:17:14,176
While you were running around town like
lunatics, chopping your hands to bits...
365
00:17:14,246 --> 00:17:15,941
I did a little bit of research.
366
00:17:16,015 --> 00:17:18,848
Turns out Franquito
isn't a shell corporation after all.
367
00:17:18,918 --> 00:17:20,408
He's a person.
368
00:17:20,486 --> 00:17:24,081
Dee, you remember Josefina, our maid
from the early '80s?
369
00:17:24,156 --> 00:17:25,418
Yeah.
370
00:17:25,491 --> 00:17:27,550
Well, turns out Frank
had been banging her for years...
371
00:17:27,626 --> 00:17:30,720
and just before we were born, he was.
372
00:17:30,796 --> 00:17:31,956
Franquito!
373
00:17:32,031 --> 00:17:33,555
¡Ven acàl
374
00:17:35,234 --> 00:17:36,724
[Mac]
Holy shit!
375
00:17:36,802 --> 00:17:38,064
- Whoa!
- What?
376
00:17:38,137 --> 00:17:39,764
Yeah, look upon him.
377
00:17:39,839 --> 00:17:42,569
Yeah, he doesn't speak any English, by the
way, so don't try talking to him.
378
00:17:42,641 --> 00:17:44,131
But we worked something out.
379
00:17:44,210 --> 00:17:46,576
Yeah, Frank's shares go to him,
'cause he's the firstborn...
380
00:17:46,645 --> 00:17:48,636
and then Franquito signs to me.
381
00:17:48,714 --> 00:17:50,978
It's game, set and match.
382
00:17:51,050 --> 00:17:52,347
[Clattering]
383
00:17:53,519 --> 00:17:54,952
Holy shit.
384
00:17:56,622 --> 00:17:58,556
What is happening right now?
385
00:17:58,624 --> 00:18:02,355
I'm not... I'm not feeling so well.
386
00:18:02,428 --> 00:18:04,589
Retirement is difficult.
387
00:18:04,663 --> 00:18:05,891
[Gagging]
388
00:18:05,965 --> 00:18:07,990
Anyway... Hey, Frank!
389
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:10,968
Guess who this is.
Haven't seen him in a while, have you?
390
00:18:13,472 --> 00:18:14,962
Come closer.
391
00:18:16,041 --> 00:18:17,531
It's your son.
392
00:18:18,411 --> 00:18:19,901
Franquito.
393
00:18:22,148 --> 00:18:27,518
Yes. Of course it is.
394
00:18:27,586 --> 00:18:29,451
Look how beautiful he is.
395
00:18:30,790 --> 00:18:34,123
Oh!
My one true child. Come closer.
396
00:18:34,827 --> 00:18:36,089
[Gasps]
397
00:18:36,162 --> 00:18:41,259
Oh! You give me so much joy right now.
398
00:18:41,333 --> 00:18:43,824
And, so, Frank, the bar shall go to him.
399
00:18:43,903 --> 00:18:45,996
- [Frank] Oh!
- Just need you to sign here and here.
400
00:18:46,071 --> 00:18:50,007
When a man is no longer
needed in the tribe...
401
00:18:50,075 --> 00:18:52,339
his body betrays him.
402
00:18:52,411 --> 00:18:53,400
Yeah.
403
00:18:53,479 --> 00:18:55,947
When he has no purpose...
404
00:18:56,015 --> 00:18:59,109
the blood seems to drain from his body...
405
00:18:59,185 --> 00:19:02,746
leaving him a shell of the man he once was.
406
00:19:02,822 --> 00:19:05,347
All right, I don't know where you're going
with this, but can you just sign?
407
00:19:05,424 --> 00:19:07,517
- I'm unretiring.
- Wh-What?
408
00:19:07,593 --> 00:19:09,083
[Frank]
I have a plan.
409
00:19:09,161 --> 00:19:10,890
I will retain all...
410
00:19:10,963 --> 00:19:17,198
and Franquito will
help me run the bar as my number two.
411
00:19:18,204 --> 00:19:21,002
- Speaking of number two...
- [Farts]
412
00:19:21,073 --> 00:19:22,973
- [All Groaning]
- Dude.
413
00:19:23,042 --> 00:19:24,703
[Dennis]
Goddamn it! Come on. I just cleaned that.
414
00:19:24,777 --> 00:19:26,802
That's Frank's butt smell.
That is it. I told you.
415
00:19:26,879 --> 00:19:28,437
- Oh, no!
- That is the exact smell of the chair.
416
00:19:28,514 --> 00:19:30,505
Everything is better than it was before.
417
00:19:30,583 --> 00:19:32,346
- No, it isn't.
- No.
418
00:19:32,418 --> 00:19:35,979
- [Mac] It's so much worse.
- I have my son to rule with me.
419
00:19:36,055 --> 00:19:39,047
- No, you don't.
- What do you mean?
420
00:19:39,124 --> 00:19:42,287
Because Franquito's not your son.
I made it all up.
421
00:19:42,361 --> 00:19:43,851
What? How?
422
00:19:43,929 --> 00:19:45,419
All right, look, guys, it's very simple.
423
00:19:45,498 --> 00:19:48,296
Seven years ago,
I walked into a Wawa, and I saw this guy...
424
00:19:48,367 --> 00:19:52,098
and I thought, "Holy shit! That guy looks
just like Frank, but, you know, Mexican."
425
00:19:52,171 --> 00:19:55,368
And then I came up with a plan where I could
make Frank believe...
426
00:19:55,441 --> 00:19:58,501
that he had a son with our maid Josefina
all those years ago...
427
00:19:58,577 --> 00:20:00,511
and I could bilk him
out of a shitload of money...
428
00:20:00,579 --> 00:20:03,673
under the guise that the money was all going
to his firstborn son, Franquito...
429
00:20:03,749 --> 00:20:05,580
when, in fact, the money was going to me.
430
00:20:05,651 --> 00:20:07,243
And it worked too. It was a good plan.
431
00:20:07,319 --> 00:20:10,550
Yeah, but that's, like,
incredibly devious, dude.
432
00:20:10,623 --> 00:20:12,989
I mean,
you've been screwing Frank for years?
433
00:20:13,058 --> 00:20:15,049
You would have done that too, right,
if you'd thought of it?
434
00:20:15,127 --> 00:20:18,324
- Uh, I don't know.
- I don't know, man. I mean...
435
00:20:18,397 --> 00:20:21,457
Yeah, I think you guys would have, but
either way, it doesn't matter, you know...
436
00:20:21,534 --> 00:20:24,526
'cause everything is, uh,
as it should be, so let's grab some drinks.
437
00:20:24,603 --> 00:20:26,332
- No, everything is not as it should be.
- Wait, wait.
438
00:20:26,405 --> 00:20:27,895
You tried to screw us out of the bar.
439
00:20:27,973 --> 00:20:29,702
- Yeah, you tried to steal the bar.
- No, no, no.
440
00:20:29,775 --> 00:20:31,766
I was trying to get things back
to the way they were...
441
00:20:31,844 --> 00:20:33,334
Get him back on the throne...
442
00:20:33,412 --> 00:20:35,710
so we could get back
to doing the things we love to do...
443
00:20:35,781 --> 00:20:39,512
at Paddy's, you know, like, um, finding out
what's at the bottom of a hole.
444
00:20:39,585 --> 00:20:41,075
- Shit.
- Right? Did we ever...
445
00:20:41,153 --> 00:20:43,280
Did you ever find out what was
at the bottom of that?
446
00:20:43,355 --> 00:20:45,289
- No, we dropped it completely.
- Oh, shit, dude.
447
00:20:45,357 --> 00:20:47,052
There could be a Goonies situation
down there, right?
448
00:20:47,126 --> 00:20:48,889
- That's what I was thinking.
- We were discussing that.
449
00:20:48,961 --> 00:20:50,792
- You know, the hole in the bathroom?
- You feeling better?
450
00:20:50,863 --> 00:20:53,764
- I feel pretty good about this.
- Let's go check it out.
451
00:20:53,832 --> 00:20:56,096
- [Charlie] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's... It's in the bathroom.
452
00:20:56,168 --> 00:20:59,103
- [Charlie] You want to try to flush that
thing one more time? - Ah, the hole.
453
00:20:59,171 --> 00:21:02,265
Oh, I'm so excited things are back
to the way they were.
454
00:21:03,976 --> 00:21:05,876
[Sinister Voice]
Yes.
455
00:21:05,945 --> 00:21:10,109
Go play in your little hole,
you fools.
456
00:21:10,182 --> 00:21:13,174
You still need me to stick around,
or can I...
457
00:21:13,252 --> 00:21:15,812
No, Franquito. We're done here.
458
00:21:15,888 --> 00:21:17,651
Can I get my five bucks?
459
00:21:17,723 --> 00:21:20,283
[Normal Voice] Yes, you can get your five
bucks. Goddamn, you're a greedy bastard.
460
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:31,500
Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)
461
00:21:56,395 --> 00:21:59,330
[Voice Speaking Backwards]