1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:04,339
And the brads
are not to be used as Q-tips.
2
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:06,298
They're for holding paper
together.
3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:07,928
- Got it?
- Got it? Great.
4
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:12,889
Oh, and last but least,
"salesman of the month".
5
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:16,851
Who will take home
the $40 Bass Pro gift card?
6
00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:18,186
Whoo-whoo!
7
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,896
Top gun three months running.
8
00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,653
Suck on my big ass numbers, y'all.
9
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,826
You know I'm the champion.
10
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:28,245
ADAM: Yeah.
BLAKE: Hell yeah.
11
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,740
- Get 'em, boy. Ooh, ooh, ooh!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
12
00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:35,498
Yeah, but see, Adam, corporate listened
to the "characters" you do on your calls.
13
00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:37,712
- Mmm-hmm.
- And they not only found them offensive,
14
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:40,587
but they're in breach
of TelAmeriCorp sales policy,
15
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:43,089
and they had to refund most
of your customers' payments.
16
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:46,092
So you didn't really win.
17
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,468
Offensive.
- Mmm-hmm.
18
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,050
On what grounds?
19
00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:51,260
I demand to know this very instance.
20
00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:52,970
I thought you were gonna ask me that.
21
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:56,390
ADAM: (IN FAKE ACCENT)
Excuse me, sir. I am Mufansa.
22
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,350
A thousand blessings on you.
23
00:00:58,433 --> 00:00:59,525
Mufansa, he's very popular.
24
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:05,233
Oh, so sorry to call so early in the morning,
but would you like to purchase a Crock-Pot?
25
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,238
Mmm-hmm, I call him the sleepy Mexican.
26
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:08,534
What up, my brother?
27
00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,408
This is Jamal, my man.
28
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,740
You want to get down on some solar panels?
29
00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,325
I think I used to live next to that guy.
30
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:17,503
You know what? This some
bull Shih Tzu dookie right here.
31
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:21,503
Butterball Jones is on the phone
doing fake Apu Simpsons impressions,
32
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,550
and I'm on the phone every day as me.
33
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,593
- You fat phony.
- Fatty.
34
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:28,639
- I'm not fat.
- Oh, my God. Okay, enough, everybody.
35
00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:32,093
Because Adam vacated his sales,
this month's top gun is Diane.
36
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:33,518
- Oh.
- Whoa.
37
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,392
Yeah.
38
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,562
(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
39
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:37,685
Hell, yeah.
40
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,732
(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
41
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,185
Top gun.
42
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:45,774
Well, I still have the top gun hat,
so it looks like I'm still the top gun.
43
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:49,076
Yeah, you know what?
And I really do like that hat, Adam.
44
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,449
I like it so much, in fact,
that I made an official
45
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,951
- TelAmeriCorp Top Gun hat.
- Cool.
46
00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:56,125
And this is the only hat
that's allowed to be worn
47
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,748
in the office, actually.
So here you go, Diane.
48
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:00,962
And, Adam, you can lose
your hat now, please.
49
00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,132
- What?
- Lose the hat.
50
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:04,708
That one's the official one.
51
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:14,000
Ripped By mstoll
52
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:18,814
(BEATBOXING)
53
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,893
(SINGING) I'm fresh
54
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,695
You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta
55
00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:27,444
Gotta be fresh
56
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:37,408
Maybe Montez is right.
Maybe Adam DeMamp
57
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,914
is nothing more than a fat dodo
with a fat head,
58
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,745
and just a fat, little body.
59
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,830
I'm like a human baby.
60
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,837
No one would buy anything from me.
61
00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,213
Stop it.
62
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,670
Stop talking about my friend
that way, okay?
63
00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,346
We're gonna go get
some lunch monkeys.
64
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:52,843
We're gonna go back
to the office,
65
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,971
and you're gonna go get
that Top Gun hat back.
66
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:57,723
Adam, stop eating those chips.
67
00:02:57,803 --> 00:02:58,929
- We haven't paid for them yet.
- Hey.
68
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,014
- What?
- This is not good.
69
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:03,647
We're about to witness
the darkness that is Sadam.
70
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,227
- Sadam Crymamp.
- Yep.
71
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,028
Saddest dude in the whole world, yeah.
72
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,106
I don't want to see that.
But, I mean, it makes sense.
73
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,236
(BOTTLE SHATTERS)
74
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,567
You can't live life that high
without coming down.
75
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,152
But we can't let him crash, okay?
76
00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:14,782
Remember what happened
when Entourage went off the air.
77
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,488
Oh, yeah, I remember.
78
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:19,074
He didn't shower for, like,
all of Movember or Decembeard.
79
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,784
- Or Manuary.
- It's disgusting.
80
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,869
He said he was bathing himself
in his own tears?
81
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,330
- I know.
- Hey, guys.
82
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,915
You want to come on
a really fun booze cruise?
83
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,967
You mean, like,
the Rancho Land Booze Cruise?
84
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:32,672
Yep, it's the only booze boat
cruise where the boat is a bus.
85
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,006
- BLAKE: Oh, I love that.
- That's tight.
86
00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:36,683
That sounds way tight, way tight.
Tight like your outfit.
87
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,431
- BLAKE: Yeah.
- Looking good, looking good.
88
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,137
Yes, you are a vision, aren't you?
89
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,848
Speaking of vision,
what happened to your peeper?
90
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,103
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
91
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:45,855
Oh, you're like a vampire.
92
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:49,154
I just, just thought it was,
like, part of the, the giddy-up.
93
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,776
- It's not.
- Okay.
94
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,358
Yeah, no, that's, that's obvious now.
95
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,284
Just give me your goddamn names.
96
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,702
ADAM: What's going on here?
97
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:58,826
Dude, she's inviting us
to the Rancho Land Booze Cruise.
98
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:02,876
Makes sense that she would
invite you guys after I had already left.
99
00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,578
I'm such a fat idiot.
100
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,629
I'd probably step on board
the Land Booze Cruise
101
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:08,548
and sink it right
in the concrete.
102
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:11,092
Oh, right into the concrete.
You hear how funny this guy is?
103
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,420
I'm not funny.
104
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,927
- He's a good guy and single.
- Yeah, way single. No one loves me.
105
00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,759
Why don't we put
the reservation in his name?
106
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:20,014
Yeah, that's a great idea.
107
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:24,098
So Adam DeMamp, plus two,
and that's, um, "Mamp."
108
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,434
It's just how it sounds. Very American name.
109
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,610
- Mamp. Got it.
- BLAKE: Yeah, yeah.
110
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,813
- Plus two.
- BLAKE: Yes.
111
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,983
And remember, it's our imperfections
that make us beautiful.
112
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:35,821
I have a micro-penis.
113
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:39,325
See you. I don't know.
114
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:42,408
Probably didn't even spell my name right.
I don't blame her.
115
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,164
ANDERS: What are you talking about?
You're on fire.
116
00:04:44,242 --> 00:04:45,915
Did you see how you just got us
the two bonus seats?
117
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:48,838
That doesn't just happen, okay?
That's a boss movement, man.
118
00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,791
Yeah, that was a real streak-breaker.
119
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,797
So what do you say
we get you back to the office
120
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:56,221
and get that Top Gun hat back
on that little head, huh?
121
00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,674
Whoo.
122
00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:06,811
Hi, I'm Adam DeMamp.
123
00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,188
I hope you're ready
to waste a lot of your time
124
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,860
and probably none of your money.
125
00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:14,531
So I'm 30 pounds overweight,
and I suck at life and stuff,
126
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:17,735
and I was wondering
if you wanted to buy a vacuum.
127
00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:19,445
Just hang up.
128
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,530
No, you hang up.
129
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:23,744
I'm fat!
130
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:27,411
I'm so stupid.
131
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,373
- You hang up. You, you hang up.
- (AIR HORN BLOWS OVER PHONE)
132
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,378
That was good. That was really good.
133
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,381
Those people were, like,
just jerks, probably.
134
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,464
Yeah, not deserving of your time
or many talents, Adam.
135
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:39,589
BLAKE: Yeah.
136
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,059
You guys are right.
137
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,386
Yeah?
138
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:47,518
I'll just regroup and get the next one.
You know what I mean?
139
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:51,227
It's that simple. So if you'll excuse me.
140
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,570
- Staying positive.
- Yes.
141
00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:56,815
Wow, I think he's okay.
142
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,025
Yeah, I'm just glad we're not
dealing with the full-blown
143
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,201
Sadam CryMamp right now.
144
00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:01,870
Yeah, that would be bad,
145
00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,367
'cause I am not singing him
to sleep tonight.
146
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,619
ADAM: Do it, Waymond. Do it. Do it now.
147
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,493
No, no, Adam.
148
00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:09,954
ANDERS: That is company equipment.
149
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:13,791
I can't get a sale to save my life,
so I might as well kill my stupid life
150
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,217
and freaking bleed
all over the office.
151
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:16,464
That's what I would do.
152
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,295
But Waymond won't pull
the damn lever, Waymond!
153
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,552
Waymond, do not do that.
Adam, you can't do that, all right?
154
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:24,009
Also, there's definitely no way that thing
can go through your neck.
155
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,719
Is that a fat joke?
'Cause my neck's too fat?
156
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:28,396
It is not about a fat neck.
We like your neck, okay?
157
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,190
Now, call Waymond off,
and let's just forget this happened.
158
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,226
Fine. Waymond, let me up.
159
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,233
But I'm not gonna go
on a stupid booze cruise,
160
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:37,030
'cause that... Ow!
161
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,197
Ow!
162
00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:40,071
You pushed it in my neck.
163
00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:44,197
You freaking little groundhog
of a human being. Stupid.
164
00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:45,872
- Excuse me.
- Are you okay?
165
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:47,995
- You're a monster.
- What's your problem?
166
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,421
He really filled the hand there.
167
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,715
Yeah, man. Now I know why he was
calling him the groundhog.
168
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:58,885
We've got to get this guy a sale
to get his confidence back up.
169
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,337
Yeah, how do we do that?
170
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:03,848
Hey, I heard there's
buttered bread in here?
171
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,598
Is that true?
172
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,892
"Do not open."
173
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,682
More like, "Do open."
174
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,238
(READING)
175
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:23,785
Yeah, right.
176
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,534
More like, "For Adam's eyes only."
177
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,427
(SIGHS)
178
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,548
(DIALING)
179
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:45,803
(PHONE RINGING)
180
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:47,099
(RINGING)
181
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:50,470
Hello.
182
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:53,807
Hello, may I please speak
with a Mr. Blownoff?
183
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,439
ANDERS: This is he,
and you can call me Dick.
184
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,607
Okay, Mr. Blownoff.
185
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:04,781
I am telling... I am talking to you today
from my work, TelAmeriCorp.
186
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:08,576
Hey, are you sick of unblended foods?
'Cause it's...
187
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,123
Mmm. You know what?
188
00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:12,747
Never mind. I suck at my job.
And I suck at my life.
189
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,999
- Goodbye forever.
- Hang on.
190
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:17,797
Listen, son, I don't bite.
What are you selling?
191
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:19,624
Stupid freaking blenders.
192
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,130
Well, I'll take five.
193
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:22,426
How 'bout that?
194
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:23,757
That's cool.
195
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:27,470
I mean, honestly,
if I'm being real with you,
196
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:32,396
I wouldn't buy anything from me,
because one, I'm fat. Two, I'm stupid.
197
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:36,350
- Three, I'm fat and stupid combined.
- Listen, you don't sound fat to me.
198
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:39,277
Maybe a little depressed, huh?
And I've been there.
199
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,362
- Really?
- You know what I did?
200
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:44,533
I went on a booze cruise
with my friends,
201
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,359
and I was totally cured.
202
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:49,868
- Anyway, blenders...
- Well, the blenders...
203
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,619
Actually, I take it back,
what I said earlier.
204
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,621
They're pretty cool.
You can make juices.
205
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,748
You can, like, blend up a boot.
206
00:08:55,827 --> 00:08:57,875
That's how sharp this thing is.
That's how intense it is.
207
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,547
Oh, I actually have a boot here
right now.
208
00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:00,714
Boop.
209
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,088
(IMITATING BLENDER WHIRRING)
210
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,213
Oh, my gosh, the boot,
it's blending so well.
211
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:08,219
(IMITATING BLENDER WHIRRING)
212
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,012
That's funny.
213
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,727
Well, looks like it'll
get to you Tuesday.
214
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,146
And I just want to say thank you.
215
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:17,770
You are a great man,
Mr. Dick Blownoff.
216
00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:20,898
And you are a good goddamned salesman.
217
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,732
Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead
and put you down for two blenders.
218
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:30,787
That is a kitchen blender
and a basement blender.
219
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:36,414
Oh, wait, this just came in from upstairs.
That's not $68.99.
220
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,246
It is $49.99.
221
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,832
Can I go ahead and close you
with that number?
222
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,336
Very good.
223
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:50,719
Selling, selling, selling,
selling, selling, selling.
224
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,685
Dude, I am so pumped for this booze cruise.
225
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:58,266
I'm a, like, celebrate next
month's future Top Gun victory.
226
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:02,402
Yes, I'm just excited
to see you happy again. Like, Sadam is dead.
227
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:03,566
(CLEARS THROAT)
228
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:04,987
Who's Sadam?
229
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:08,158
Saddam. Saddam Hussein died.
230
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,696
- Really?
- Yeah, they got him.
231
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,449
- They got him. USA all the way.
- Thank God.
232
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,623
Well, we didn't get him, but those guys
who were out there fighting in the desert.
233
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:15,949
Freaking SEAL team.
That's cool, man.
234
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,784
At least The Interview
can come out now.
235
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,210
- Totally.
- I’ve been waiting for that.
236
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,878
- Absolutely.
- ADAM: It's, like, I'm a Francophile.
237
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,252
- That dude, he's the truth.
- Yeah.
238
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:26,050
I was thinking, that movie, like,
96 Hours or something like that?
239
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,049
- ANDERS: Yeah.
- What if it was 69 Hours?
240
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,597
- (LAUGHS)
- Ah, that would be way funnier.
241
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:33,391
If it's, like, 69, and he got his dick caught
between the rocks,
242
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,810
and he's like,
does he chew his dick off?
243
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,353
Or he gets his nose caught
in some chick's butt,
244
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:40,056
and he's like,
"We're 69ing. I need water now!"
245
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:41,182
We should write pornos.
246
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,189
Yeah, we should write pornos.
247
00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:44,986
Dude, I'm just pumped, all right?
248
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:46,563
I'm excited for this adventure
we're about to go on,
249
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,148
'cause it has
my favorite things.
250
00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:50,950
Boozes, cruises, and my dudeses.
251
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,954
I said that I was gonna go.
252
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,871
I didn't say that we were gonna go.
253
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,083
I was actually thinking about
taking my new friend, Dick,
254
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,330
and, like, one of his buddies.
255
00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,411
Dick?
Why would you bring Dick?
256
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,168
Well, who is Dick
is what we really need to know,
257
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:05,874
'cause we don't know
who that is, Blake.
258
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:08,335
Yeah, you guys don't know Dick.
He... He, like...
259
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,924
He was my first sale of the day,
and he kind of took me out
260
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,347
- of my sales slump.
- Oh.
261
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,925
And we just sort of bro bonded
in, like, like a real
262
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,352
- and, like, authentic way.
- Okay.
263
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:20,226
It's like we have two Avatar tails,
and they just intertwined.
264
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:21,648
ANDERS: It's just...
265
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:24,567
Is it weird to bring a guy
that you've never met to a party?
266
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,895
- I mean, like, I'm not...
- BLAKE: Yeah, that sucks.
267
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,400
You know, right?
268
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,026
Oh, okay, yup.
269
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:32,655
- Yes, you are correct.
- Right?
270
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:36,204
I should meet him and hang out with him first
before I invite him on the booze cruise.
271
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,374
- That is a good call, Ders.
- That's not what I'm, uh...
272
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:40,951
Thank you, Ders.
273
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:46,252
- Hey, dudes, what's up?
- Hey.
274
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,379
So you guys need a pro actor
to trick Adam, huh?
275
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:51,052
Okay. Well, you're in luck.
This is a client of mine, Ryan Gall.
276
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:52,174
Hello.
277
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:56,929
Ryan here has ran up a pretty hefty tab
over the past couple years in weed,
278
00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:58,931
so he's gonna pay you guys
in acting dollars.
279
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:00,478
Isn't that right, Ry?
280
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,226
- Isn't that right?
- Yeah, that's...
281
00:12:02,305 --> 00:12:03,352
- You're gonna pay them, huh?
- Yes.
282
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,354
- You're gonna act for them?
- I will. I will.
283
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,853
Okay, Ryan knows everything that's going on.
284
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,272
Uh, he's a Groundling. He can improv.
285
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,573
If you need me,
I'm gonna be at Burger King.
286
00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:15,619
I got a dude that gives me free refills,
and I am freaking pumped about that.
287
00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:16,694
See you, Ryan.
288
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,405
- Where are you going?
- Act good.
289
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:21,408
- You said it would be a half hour.
- You're with them, Ryan.
290
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:26,545
Well, well, well.
We're in the midst of a real actor.
291
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:29,500
Great, great. So what's this
groundhogs thing
292
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,925
he's talking about, huh?
293
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:35,255
Uh, it's the Groundlings,
and we do improv comedy.
294
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:36,806
It's kind of like Whose Line,
a lot of, "Yes, and..."
295
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:40,226
- All right, save it.
- Yes, and what the hell's Whose Line?
296
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,645
Oh, it's like Wild 'N Out.
297
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,814
ANDERS: Oh, okay, well, here's a tip.
298
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,311
Lead with that, you know?
299
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:48,894
Just drop Affion Crockett,
and people will be with you.
300
00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:51,105
- Now we're on board.
- Have we seen you in anything?
301
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:52,564
I've been in some commercials.
302
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:54,240
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
303
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,192
Oh, he's that Captain Obvious guy.
304
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,402
- That's not me.
- Oh.
305
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:58,657
- BLAKE: No?
- No.
306
00:12:58,736 --> 00:12:59,783
- Okay.
- I know who he is.
307
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,535
Dude, you're one of the two Sonic guys.
308
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,161
- Oh, yeah.
- We watch you all the time.
309
00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,164
- Yeah, the drive-thru.
- I'm not... That's not me.
310
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,460
I thought you were in commercials, man.
311
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:07,913
What the heck?
Do you even know Flo?
312
00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:11,174
No, look, I am a serious actor, okay?
313
00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:13,092
I trained under the Jim Rash.
314
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:18,344
Oh, so a fellow thespian.
I actually did some theater acting in college.
315
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:20,596
I played the role of Puck.
316
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,677
No kidding? Midsummer's Night Dream?
317
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,435
No, no, actually, it was a stage adaptation
of Real World: San Francisco.
318
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,516
- I played Puck.
- Yeah.
319
00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,476
The peanut butter scene
was riveting.
320
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,154
Here's your information
for Mr. Blownoff.
321
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:37,234
Basically, he's the exact opposite of Adam,
because we need him to just hate you.
322
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,862
I can play the heel, no problem.
323
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,197
It's basically what I did
on 10 Items or Less.
324
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,206
You were on 10 Items or Less?
325
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,534
- Yeah.
- Dude!
326
00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:48,586
- That show had the best commercials.
- It did.
327
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:02,764
Welcome to the VIP chill room.
328
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:07,556
Hey, you know, your voice sounds
a little different than it did on the phone.
329
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,227
- RYAN: It does?
- Yeah.
330
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,230
Uh... Oh, you know what?
331
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:15,439
When we talked on the phone,
I think I had, like, a cold/flu or something.
332
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,364
Got some lunch monkeys
for my buddy.
333
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,693
Oh, you know what?
I don't touch the stuff.
334
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:21,449
Yeah, sober 15 years.
335
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:25,706
Wow, I didn't even know
that was a thing you could do.
336
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,830
- Mmm-hmm.
- No beer poops.
337
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:29,161
That's smart.
338
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,870
Hey, there you are.
339
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:32,079
- Hidey-ho, neighbor.
- Oh, hey.
340
00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,086
These are my work friends,
Ders and Blake.
341
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:38,087
And this is my very, very,
very good buddy, Dick Blownoff.
342
00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:39,716
Oh, cool, very cool, very cool.
343
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,218
- What's up?
- He's a cool guy.
344
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:42,640
BLAKE: What were we in here for?
345
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:47,930
Oh, yes. We were just talking
about huge bazoingas, and...
346
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:51,733
Well, shoot, man, Dick,
what do you think about those?
347
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,732
Uh... Big breasts are stupid.
348
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:59,574
Yeah, I like little, tiny,
like, mosquito bite-style boobs.
349
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:01,275
You know what?
350
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,662
I get that.
351
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:07,574
Yeah, because if the bazoinga
is too big
352
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:09,409
and you try to fit it all
in your mouth,
353
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:10,869
there's too much meat there, right?
354
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:15,253
And your jaw might pop out of place,
and then you can't eat dinner.
355
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:19,086
Yes, and treating women
like human beings
356
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:22,968
and not just sex objects,
that's what I'm all about.
357
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,425
- Okay, well, that's crazy.
- Yeah.
358
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,853
- I mean, what?
- What planet are you from?
359
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,805
And make sure Adam doesn't
visit there, 'cause that's, like,
360
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:32,765
- the opposite of stuff he likes.
- Yeah.
361
00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:36,103
No, he's actually
the exact opposite of opposite,
362
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:39,234
which is, like...
It's, like, the same.
363
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:40,941
- Dick?
- Uh-huh?
364
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,367
Will you be my very best friend
365
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,161
and come with me
to the Land Booze Cruise?
366
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:49,283
Oh, yeah... Oh, I have work.
367
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,075
- Mmm.
- Mmm, damn it.
368
00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:56,791
And I am always on call,
because I am a CIA spy.
369
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:58,375
BLAKE: No way.
370
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,335
- Um, I didn't think that you could be.
- Yes, lam.
371
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:03,513
When I saw you,
I thought you'd be a CPA.
372
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,386
I knew it, dude.
I knew something was going on.
373
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,468
- Yeah?
- Something was a little off about you.
374
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,394
- That's me, yeah.
- Oh, there's layers.
375
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,472
I'm freaking peeling them back,
and there's a freaking cool,
376
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,398
undercover spy beneath.
377
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:18,861
Do me the honor of going with me
on the Land Booze Cruise, please.
378
00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:20,563
- No, don't do this.
- Please, go with me.
379
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:22,114
I'll hold my breath until you say yes.
380
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,284
- Just say yes, please.
- Don't hold your breath.
381
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:25,610
Say yes.
382
00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:27,078
- I can't.
- Please, this hurts.
383
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:30,077
- Okay, yes. Yes, yes.
- (GASPING)
384
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:31,825
Bye, new friend.
385
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,376
- Okay.
- Bye.
386
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:34,452
Uh-huh.
387
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,668
What the hell was that?
You were supposed to say no.
388
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,836
Yeah, I was gonna,
but then I remembered
389
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:42,510
what my Oscar-winning teacher,
Jim Rash, once said.
390
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,553
Okay, fuck Jim Rash, all right?
391
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:45,846
I'll give you a rash.
392
00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:47,344
Okay, you know what?
393
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:50,427
I might have had a breakfast
edible, and it kind of...
394
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,262
I'm sorry. You're high right now?
395
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,347
Yes, I'm a little bit, I'm... (STUTTERS)
396
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:56,228
That all makes sense now.
That's why we're getting
397
00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:58,685
hour-long Showtime show,
basic cable acting from you,
398
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,361
when what we're asking for
399
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,734
is Super Bowl commercial
quality acting from you, Ryan.
400
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,440
We're not getting it.
We need it. You're screwing us.
401
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,448
No, the edibles, they help my craft,
and they help my process.
402
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,949
I need them for my craft and process.
403
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:13,454
All right, Mr. Craft,
Mr. Macaroni, process this.
404
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:17,754
What if I told you we could give you
the biggest role in the biggest blockbuster
405
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:18,954
of all time?
406
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,673
- Okay.
- Your life.
407
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,217
- Okay.
- Hmm?
408
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:24,760
What are you talking about?
409
00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:26,587
I don't... Look, can you just
keep playing the character Dick
410
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:29,800
for a little longer and actually do
what me and Ders tell you to do?
411
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,593
Okay, I'm listening.
412
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,854
Only because I owe Karl
crap loads of money, so...
413
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,391
Honestly, dude,
you're, like, 100% right.
414
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,068
Because I was looking
at some small-chested pornog,
415
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,612
and Riley Reed made me realize
that I've been ignoring the butt.
416
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:44,689
- Yes.
- Right.
417
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:47,651
And the butt's the most erogenous area
on the woman's...
418
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:49,869
I mean, I don't mind if someone's playing...
419
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,696
Oh, God, they're on to me.
420
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,827
- What?
- No, no, run!
421
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,250
Agent Blownoff,
you're coming with us.
422
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,669
Save yourself,
and make sure that you take
423
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,839
your friends, Blake and Ders,
on this Land Booze Cruise.
424
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,918
No, I'll save you!
425
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,215
- Yes!
- Oh, my God. We did it.
426
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,472
- We did it.
- (LAUGHING) We did n.
427
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,394
- You were amazing, man.
- Thank you.
428
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,434
And I mean this when I say
that you could be in those,
429
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,732
like, hella dramatic commercials
where they try and get people
430
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,059
to adopt dogs
before they murder them.
431
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:22,769
Or even, like,
the hella way dramatic
432
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,820
new Life Alert commercials.
Have you seen those?
433
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,109
ANDERS: Oh, my God, heart breaker.
434
00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:27,940
We should get those
for our grandmas, 'cause, like,
435
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:30,447
what if she does fall down,
and, like, she can't get up?
436
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,199
I don't want that to happen to Ferianne.
437
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,326
- She's a beautiful woman.
- Yeah, she is really pretty.
438
00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:35,452
My grandma's hot.
439
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:37,829
All right, let's circle back
to join Adam for this booze cruise, huh?
440
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,660
- Yeah, baby. I love it.
441
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:41,746
- (SCREAMS)
- (TIRES SCREECH)
442
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,297
ALL: Oh!
443
00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:44,961
- Oh, my God.
- Is he okay?
444
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,544
Ow! Whoo-hoo! Oh, gosh.
445
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,470
- Oh, my God.
- Are you all right?
446
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,476
- Are you okay?
- ADAM: How did I do that?
447
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,649
- BLAKE: Yeah, that was amazing.
- That was insane.
448
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,852
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
449
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:07,063
I don't know.
I'm, like, 100%. I'm 100% okay.
450
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:11,067
Wait, what are you guys...
Did you guys get kidnapped, too?
451
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,652
Are you a double agent?
452
00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:13,987
Who do you work for?
453
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:18,200
Adam, there's no Dick Blownoff.
Actually, I'm Dick Blownoff.
454
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,127
- You said, "Dick blown off."
- ANDERS: Yeah.
455
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:22,704
Oh, I've been saying that.
456
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,881
- That's funny.
- Yeah, we thought of it.
457
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,375
Yeah, well,
Ders made up that character,
458
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,460
because we were trying
to get you out of your slump.
459
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:31,716
I mean, you were so depressed,
and we want to party with you, man.
460
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:33,298
We want to go on this booze cruise.
461
00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:34,758
Then who's this guy?
462
00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:36,809
Well, this is Ryan Gall.
463
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,728
He's an "actor" that we hired from Karl.
464
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:41,522
- Yeah, more like hack-tor.
- ANDERS: Yeah.
465
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:42,894
- (LAUGHING)
- That's funny.
466
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,897
You're an actor. So you know Flo from
the Progressive commercials?
467
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,193
No, not personally.
468
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,737
Okay, this guy's not really an actor.
469
00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:50,652
Hey, Karl, we square?
470
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:51,778
Hell, yeah, man. We're good.
471
00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,530
Okay, can I get a little weed?
472
00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:54,861
KARL: Oh, for sheezy, bro.
473
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,662
- What do you need?
- RYAN: Halfer?
474
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:57,863
- Half pound?
- RYAN: Yeah, I need it.
475
00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,574
Half LB of the green, coming right up, man.
In the van, okay?
476
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:01,705
- Let's do it.
- BLAKE: I'm gonna pray for you man.
477
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,627
Stay high. Stay lifted.
478
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,205
I knew he wasn't a spy.
479
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,547
'Cause spies love huge bazoingas.
480
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:10,672
That's, like, a rule when you become
an international man of mystery.
481
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,470
Thank you guys for lying to me
to make me feel better.
482
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,844
That's... That's really cool.
483
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,009
Hey, for you, man, any time.
484
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:19,684
You know what?
485
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:24,732
I hope you guys are ready
and prepare your brains
486
00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:30,735
to party on Rancho Cucamunga's
only Land Booze Cruise!
487
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,031
ALL: Whoo!
488
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,409
Yeah, boy! Oh, God.
489
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,071
- I am a little injured.
- BLAKE: Yeah.
490
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,077
Yeah, I didn't notice that right away.
That is...
491
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,578
Ah, it's starting to burn.
492
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,000
- BLAKE: Yeah, blow on it.
- Look for my palm.
493
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,376
(MUSIC PLAYING)
494
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,797
Man, this... I am having fun right now.
495
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:49,798
Total blast.
496
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:55,800
A lot of dudes.
497
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,773
Okay, Diane, can you please?
This is a meeting.
498
00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:15,153
Can you sit down?
499
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:26,500
Ripped By mstoll