[MUSIC]
LDP,
Yo, what up Jay?
Oh my, marry her dude,
Wow,
I mean, I don't ever wanna get married man, but
I would give her half my stuff,
No, Becklin's actually really cool man,
Uh-huh, We talk for hours and hours,
Yeah, I bet you do man,
Look at that beach pic, damn!
Whoa,
Come on Jake, don't even play,
All right, This could be something real,
Okay, I'm out of my funk thanks to you,
Yeah, don't forget that, tell
Darcey the next time you see her,
I don't know if I was clear before,
but get down on your good knee and
marry her, will you?
[MUSIC]
Yeah?
All right,
[MUSIC]
Yeah, yeah,
Just shut up,
You shut up,
No you Doug, you shut up,
All you do is shoot, shoot, shoot,
Throw it inside,
That's what he brought me here for,
Did he say miss?
When I throw you the ball, you have
to dribble before you take a step,
You hog the ball,
Boom, boom, boom, brick, brick, brick,
Fuck you, Borat,
[SOUND],
Whoa! [NOISE],
Hey, hey, hey, hey, on top!
[NOISE],
Oh, for God's sake,
Jesus,
All right?
All right,
Hey, would you get him some, get him some ice, will you?
What are you doing?
[SOUND],
You okay?
Yeah,
Finally hit something, huh?
God, Ever since I backed up over the
area, it's like I'm paddling a canoe
in the eye of the hurricane Katrina of shit storms,
You think it's Karma?
What I think is if Sam can get Doug to use my new system,
I feel- Your new system?
Sam has three rings,
He's not going to listen to you or me,
There's something else I need to talk to you,
And I've discussed it with my mom,
Do you think you could create an algorithm about why it's so
satisfying to take a piss?
I got to know,
You promoted me two weeks ago and
then you never actually promoted me,
Really?
Yeah, To what?
I want to be promoted to assistant GM For sure,
Really?
Yeah, player,
[LAUGH],
I think I'm losing it,
Alzheimer's, or ADD, or something,
Okay, you're promoted for real this time,
Yes!
Yeah, But there's no more money and don't tell anybody,
But how is that a promotion?
Eh, Jake?
You all right?
Just a little elbow from our talk, it's a scrap,
What's up, Nergin?
That's part nerd, part virgin,
Sam, I know we're losing, but in my defense I-,
We're not playing any defense,
Artock really isn't fitting in,
Yeah, there's a couple WNBA rosters he wouldn't make it,
Hey, I'm heading over later if you wanna join me,
Oh, yeah,
Just Jake, not you,
Artock is slow,
We need a big guy who can run and
shoot threes like a Love or Bosh,
You wanna add Larry Byrd to your list numb nuts?
I've been talking to the Fashon Long Lions about the big guy,
Lee Woo?
Woo Lee?
Woo Lay? Leeway?
Who cares?
Byron's right, Sam, we gotta bench Artoc,
All right,
Bench the big dummy,
I'm not gonna be the one to tell him, towel,
I'm not gonna give you a towel,
Three rings, towel the man,
[MUSIC],
[NOISE],
[MUSIC]
Oh my God,
[MUSIC],
Good job,
[MUSIC]
What's wrong with you? [MUSIC]
When are we gonna drink that tea and trip?
The ayahuasca, it's a spiritual journey,
it must be guided by a professional,
Okay, but do you think you could still leave some tea behind so
I could have a spiritual journey later at the club?
Visualize now,
I feel responsible for hurting Ladarius and
I want him to get healthy again,
Don't say it,
I'm sorry, with Terry, I get to talk,
So I, this is, I'm just figuring you out,
Repeat after me,
[FOREIGN], [FOREIGN],
[FOREIGN] God, I love this,
[FOREIGN],
Say, say it again,
[FOREIGN],
Can, can you go back to the, what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I'm trying to cleanse my God, I'm trying to cleanse my soul,
Oh, well then let me grab a fire hose and bucket of bleach,
Okay,
You said after our agreement that I
could have a better office, remember?
What agreement?
oh, what agreement?
You, go,
But how can I possibly help you
run the team from my little hovel
in the basement?
Oh, really?
I can think of 17 reasons why you
don't deserve a better office,
Now we have to start all over,
Great,
Yo, you can't just barge in here,
I have very important rituals, okay, that are private,
Important?
Darryl, I'm sorry, we're gonna have
to do this on another time, okay?
There is an empty office,
Jake, Jake, Jake, great news,
Doc said I don't need surgery and
I'll be back in six to eight weeks,
[LAUGH] Yes,
That's fantastic,
You beautiful man,
No, no, you don't know the half of it,
I took you advice, I'm marrying Becklin,
Wh, wh, wh, whoa,
Who's Becklin?
My fiance, from the pictures,
You said marry her so I am,
That was hyperbole, I would never
tell you to marry anyone ever,
How long have you known this girl?
For a few weeks, but it feels like forever,
Mmh, yeah, so will the marriage,
You guys are really cynical,
No, I'm just saying it's a huge commitment, you know,
granted I'm going through a horrible divorce right now,
Really dark shit-show, you know, but
whatever, it's fine, I digressed,
Congratulations, I guess,
I want your blessing, is all,
Mm-hm,
Of course,
When do we get to meet her?
Right after I do, I guess,
[MUSIC]
You haven't even met her?
Mm-hm, eh,
Oh, yeah,
[MUSIC]
Jake, where you're going?
Oh, I need to take a minute,
There's a canine show on the court,
I need to get away from the barking, the queue you are,
This is disaster,
You star player is obviously getting cat fished,
We just need to get proof, of
whoever is doing this, isn't real,
Hey, there's not a chance you're a
figment of my imagination, is there?
What?
What are you doing,
No, you're real,
Relax, Kevin's on it,
Oh, your boob is on it,
What could go wrong?
I learned a valuable lesson today,
Don't joke around with pro athletes,
Really?
Becklan?
What kind of a name is Becklann?
She's either fake or she's from Florida,
Well, at least his leg is healing, you know?
He'll be up and about and able to
have sex, with his fake girlfriend,
Yeah, well,
Hey, Jake, Good news,
We're gonna figure this out,
Mm-hm, First, I'm gonna do an image search,
Okay, That's where you take a
picture, put it in a database with,
literally, like 2 billion people,
Okay, Then?
Kev, Kev, Kev,
I don't acre how the sausage is made,
Okay? Just find out who is doing it,
and end it before it goes public,
Yeah,
But it's, it's really cool,
You might wanna,
Yeah, Sure,
Dusty, No,
You wanna know about the sausage?
No,
Okay,
[MUSIC]
Now he's got me wondering,
[MUSIC]
I heard, I'm not starting tonight,
Why?
I don't know,
I just found out that they wanna try some new things,
Look, I'm the coach,
But, I think we all know who's coaching,
Mm-hm,
Is it because I hit the owner?
That never helps,
[MUSIC]
Yeah, okay great,
But, did you find Beckland,
I'm 100% sure she's not a real person,
And I'm like 70% sure she's not a girl,
So, I'm following this Becklan person on Instagram,
I'm not sure if she's real, but her breasts are not,
She only has 15 followers,
17, Oh,
That number keeps popping up,
Shut up, Wade,
[MUSIC]
Hey Artok,
Hey buddy,
Why am I sitting on the bench?
Is it because I punched you?
Artok here to see you,
I am sorry for that,
The punch was meant for another,
My battle skills are rusty, since
my country declared democracy,
Yeah, that, come on, [SOUND] that
was, everybody loves a scrapper,
It makes me feel manly, okay?
Mm-hm, Hell, hit me again?
No,
No, don't,
Who said the bench?
Byron,
But, he insisted,
Yeah, it was all him,
Mm-hm, He's got this whole new system, and,
You know, he calls the shots,
Wait, you make every decision,
[LAUGH] No,
No way,
No, no, no,
Not even close,
A little secret between us,
Artok, I have no idea what I'm doing, okay?
I bought the team, because I was bored,
Byron is the dork genius,
Mm-hm,
Okay,
What?
You are such a wuss,
When he hit me I pissed blood,
He hit you in the nose,
But, he still pissed blood I saw it,
Thank you,
And Artock has left,
Dusty here to see you,
[MUSIC]
Saints down by one with the ball,
Ball and a chance to win,
Billy's been sucking all day, he's not gonna stop now,
Ray for three,
It's goal, The Saints have actually won a game,
[NOISE] And, Billy is eating his hamburgers,
He's a happy guy,
Good to see a win,
Better look close, we may not see another one for a while,
Yes,
All you, Billy,
That was all you, baby,
Yeah, Yes,
Holy shit, we did it,
We did it,
See, I knew there was a reason I promoted you,
Uh-huh? I remember,
[MUSIC]
Yeah, mom?
We won,
Yeah I know, I took your advice and I got promoted,
No, I told you I didn't see you,
Hey, it's a really wide hallway,
What do you got, Kev?
Okay, there's no Becklan Leonotrus,
None,
But, but,
There's a bunch of Brecklan Leon/Otris
and there's a ton of Decklans,
There's about 500 Brooklyns,
probably because, of the borough or
the supermodel,
Kev, Kev, Kev,
Still sounds very sausage makey, okay?
I think the model is named after the borough,
Oh, that makes sense,
Yeah,
Artok just pushed me down,
I'm being bullied,
Maybe it was an accident,
No, it wasn't,
All right, I'll talk to him,
Done, No, Kev, I want you on the Becklan thing,
I wanna file a formal complaint,
Okay, consider it filed,
Sapphire, do we have any complaint forms?
Are there security cameras, in that part of the hallway?
No, they stopped right there,
It was carefully choreographed,
He knows where the cameras stop,
There's no way,
No complaint forms, boss,
Thank you, Sapphire,
Byron, relax,
Focus on the positive,
We won, that was you,
Did you, did you tell people it was me?
That's not what's important,
If it's bullying, then we- Hey, no,
Don't do that, okay?
Look, this is just a simple case,
A little man, got bumped in a hallway by a big man,
Okay? Right,
Let's not throw around the B word,
Byron it's kind of simple, man,
Just don't be such a pussy,
Really?
That's your advice?
Yeah,
Really, Okay,
Oh remember this?
Artok, Oh I bought a team because I was bored,
Byron calls all the shots,
Take it up with him,
You told him that?
Byron you know chess, you've got to protect the king!
Always,
There he is,
The guy with all the great advice for my son,
Hello, Bernice,
There's a reason why I write all his tweets,
To keep all these gold-digging whores away from my son,
We never call women gold-digging whores,
Not in front of them,
Bernice is here, Thank you, Sapphire,
Whoever this person is, he or she
or they won't even FaceTime him,
She says she's sick in the hospital and
wants to look pretty when they meet,
Nice, Mm-hm,
Do something,
Don't worry, Bernice,
We're gonna fix it,
Yeah, Bernice, I'm on top of it,
Yes,
Why doesn't that make me feel better?
I don't know,
Somebody better do something,
You're like some kind of reverse charity,
where you show up with a bunch of
money and ruin people's lives,
Well, I mean, we do show up with money,
A lot of money,
That's true,
And she's mad,
[MUSIC]
She is,
[MUSIC]
What?
[SOUND]
[MUSIC]
The emerald cut is a classic,
But then again I love the pear shape,
It's like a glistening tear drop,
Hey guys, I'm thinking about,
You know what ladies love?
I-owe-you vouchers,
Tradition says the ring should cost two months' salary,
The problem is I make 600000 a month,
Do you know what the word problem means?
When you got married, how did your husband handle it?
[MUSIC]
Well, he made me buy my own ring and pay off his Kia,
but the only decision worse than
mine is what you're doing right now,
Ladarius, buddy, you can't do this,
Come on,
You've been talking to my mom?
You know how you always say how much
you love Becklan's personality and
how cool and sane she is?
That's because she's a guy,
What are you talking about?
She's not who she says she is,
Then who is she?
She's nobody,
She doesn't exist,
But I got all these pictures,
You saw them,
Yeah, Kev checked it out,
That's a model from a Skymall magazine,
That's her job,
God, what is wrong with you people?
Her name isn't associated with any social security number,
She was born at sea,
Her Dad's a tugboat captain,
God!
Beckland exists, and you'll meet her when a new liver comes in,
which is this week,
Case closed,
Wait, a liver?
She needs a transplant?
Fine, case reopened,
Her insurance cut her off when she was $134,000 short,
Aw, man, Yikes,
I was gonna donate mine, but turns out I need it,
So I just wired her the money,
Look, I, look, I know, I know that's a lot of cake,
Well I'd do anything for my Beckland boo,
Now case closed,
God, I love that kid,
He's a hopeless romantic,
Shut up,
[MUSIC],
I'll admit it, The internet is not my area of expertise,
It's okay to admit you can't do something, Kev,
I just did,
You know, it's amazing how you're capable of ruining so
many people's lives,
You know what? Jake, Jake, Jake,
My mom froze all my accounts,
The wire didn't go through,
You gotta help me Jake,
Beckley needs that liver or
I'm gonna be a widower before I'm married or meet her,
Technically that's not a widower,
Help me please Jake,
You're my only hope,
I will wire her the money,
Oh, thank you so much,
Thank you,
Okay, I knew I could count on you,
I knew it,
Just email Kevin the wiring information, and
we'll, we'll get it done right away,
Oh, you're the best, Jake,
Oh, thank you so much,
You got it, buddy, So, you're gonna wire the money?
Of course not, you dumbass,
This whole thing ends now,
You don't have to be so disrespectful,
Kev, I'm,
[CROSSTALK],
I know, I'm sensitive,
It's it's just, not in front of her,
Okay,
I'm used to it,
Yeah, okay,
One, one,
Good, good,
One, one,
One, two, Yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah?
I've figured it out,
What? I've been online, typing her
name into an anagram generator,
Her last name, Leianotriss, it spells out,
Is not real!
Get it?
Beckland is not real,
What? Hello, Beckland is not real,
What?
Oh, my god, Beckland is not real?
Thank you, thank you God, thank you, Jesus, thank you, Jake,
Granted for solving a problem that you caused,
Jake will not be causing anymore problems,
Regardless of whose fault it is we
always take care if our own Bernice,
[LAUGH] It was right in front of my face,
The skymall model, the tugboat captain,
Wow, I am dumb,
Not dumb, You have great court awareness,
Just poor life awareness,
He's a good kid, he's just a little naive,
Maybe you'll listen to your mother now huh?
I wanna feel better,
If I buy a Maserati mom, please?
No,
What about a Corvette?
No,
No? Will you please tell him to be careful?
He doesn't listen to me, the person who is always right,
Ladarius, your mom is right,
Mm-hm, There are a lot of people out
there who are after your money,
Mm-hm, Even super insightful spin
instructors with calves of steel,
the ones who say that they really
see who you are, but they don't,
Okay, well,,
Maybe not all people,
Maybe not all,
Darius, I probably should stop one
day when you're going to meet a real
woman who will love you and honor you and hold you and
share your dreams with,
Then you're going to walk in on her blowing your best friend,
You're going to kick her out,
She's going to sell your jet ski and
buy some of those invisible braces
which still probably blow him with,
but doesn't matter because that's life, kid,
You know what?
We're men, we, we pick ourselves up,
we brush ourselves off and we move on,
You know, my husband, when he walked out,
Give me a break, You paid off a guy's Kia,
[SOUND],
Okay, so we've heard a lot of inspiring stories here today,
Say thank you,
They saved you a lot of money and embarrassment,
Thank you guys,
It's just,
This is the longest I've been away from the game,
Since I got hurt, everything's been whack, just not myself,
That's on you, 17, [MUSIC]
[LAUGH] Screw that old shaman, this shit is so cleansing,
Mm,
Oh yeah,
[MUSIC]
[SOUND],
Hey, Jake,
Hey Byron,
Jake, hey, help,
[LAUGH] Get me out of here,
Oh my god, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen,
Oh, come on,
Okay,
Get me out of here,
Just open it,
All right, [LAUGH] relax, [LAUGH] Get
me out of here, get me out of here,
Come on!
Hey hey hey hey hey,
Artok?
Yes I told you I was being bullied,
Artok carried me down here and stuffed me in this thing,
Artok we've had several conversations
about this very issue,
And I have sent you numerous emails,
Artok,
No don't do this,
Help,
He stuffed you in the fridge,
[LAUGH] It, it's not funny!
We had to do something about it,
No, you have to do something about it,
You're assistant GM,
Put your foot down and
draw a line in the sand, with the
foot that you just put down,
Really?
Yeah, You wanna be a leader?
Grow a pair,
Of balls,
Not feet, you already have feet,
[MUSIC]
You have come to reinstate me?
No,
Artok, if this bullying doesn't stop,
you won't see one more minute of playing
time for the rest of the season,
But I need to play,
I'm in a contract year, and if I sit, I worry I may be done,
I have eight kids, three wives, all current,
I made bad investments,
Nobody in Serbia wants to eat at Soup Plantation,
Here either,
I am begging you,
My grandfather survived the Bleiburg massacre
while repatriating our country,
What does that have to do with anything?
He always wanted me to play in the league,
You've achieved that Artok,
Please tell him to put me back in,
I need one more year,
I get my pension, go home, sell Soup
Plantation, and open Billy's Burgers,
I'll consider it,
But you've to behave first and you've to apologize to me Hm,
Now,
Mm, I apologize,
It won't happen again,
Yes thank you,
Thank you, yes,
Okay,
We'll talk soon,
Can I start tonight?
Tonight's too soon,
You know, let's make this about the team and not our talk,
Okay?
Okay,
I'm going to give you a fisting,
I don't think you really know what you're saying,
[MUSIC]
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, hooked up man,
[MUSIC]
Ladarius, what's wrong?
[MUSIC]
Hey man, so Becklin is real,
Was real, she's dead dog,
Yeah, that's true, but look at the bright side,
What bright side?
There is not one,
I'm sorry, I thought something was gonna come out,
At least we got to see Albuquerque,
We're really sorry for your loss,
How did this happen?
Well, she went by Hanson legally,
cuz that's her stepdad's name,
Her birth dad, Leonotrus, abandoned her, and of course,
she clung onto her past and used his name online,
She would've had major daddy issues,
Oh, dude, Major daddy issues,
That, that is a huge red flag,
It's a huge red flag,
Stop it you guys, just stop it,
Can we just let him mourn in peace?
It's a cruel nasty world,
Pshah, you're right,
Tell me about it,
I, I'm embarrassed,
I've never been kicked out of a funeral before,
That's, Me neither,
That is one pissed off tugboat captain,
Yeah, That is so rude,
LDP, you're a professional basketball player,
Look, now you can get real models
who have bad attitudes and
eating disorders,
Look, she would of gutted you at you at some point,
Yeah, It's much better to get it over with right now,
It's way better, Guys!
It is, Really?
What? Just-,
[SOUND] Lovely service,
That was lovely,
It's a beautiful girl,
Accomplished, too,
There are Skymall models everywhere,
I, I should stay,
Sad sevens, that's my sweet spot,
[MUSIC]
Well, at least I met a real tugboat captain,
Could've saved a life,
Hey, her body could've rejected that liver,
So sad,
Like I said, it's Vegas,
But let's move on,
Closure, it's healthy,
[MUSIC]
Oh, he looks pissed!
Hey, Artok!
What's up with him?
I cut him while you were passed out,
What?
Now he's gonna blame me for that too, huh?
I'm gonna get you!
Aah!
[MUSIC]
Closure,
[MUSIC]
I feel like I'm paddling a canoe into
the eye of the Hurricane Katrina of
shitstorms, man,
[SOUND],
Oh, shit,
[MUSIC]
Hey Mark,
[SOUND],
[INAUDIBLE] And, we have action,
[LAUGH],
Why doesn't that make me feel better?
[LAUGH] [INAUDIBLE] going through the life change,
[LAUGH] I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Lovely service,
[SOUND],
[LAUGH],
And background and action,
The emerald cut is a classic,
Then again, I love the pear shape,
it's like a [SOUND] material,
but- [LAUGH],
[SOUND] Hey, guys, I'm thinking about Race for Beckland,
Yeah, you know what ladies love, man?
And I, wait, is that gonna be the whole time?
[LAUGH] Is this a bit?