[Justin Bieber's All Around the World]
♪ All around the world
♪
(male announcer) This is The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
♪ All around the world people want to be loved ♪
With your roastmaster, Kevin Hart,
and starring Shaquille O'Neal,
Jeff Ross,
Natasha Leggero,
Chris D'Elia,
Pete Davidson,
Snoop Dogg,
Ludacris,
Martha Stewart,
and Hannibal Buress.
♪ All around the world people want to be loved ♪
♪
♪ All around the world they're no different than us ♪
♪
The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
And now, please welcome your roastmaster, Kevin Hart.
[cheers and applause]
All right, hey. Y'all better clap.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Kevin Hart, and welcome
to The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber.
Here's the thing,
Justin Bieber has tens of millions of fans.
I mean, most of them are either in middle schools
or standing at least 500 feet away from one.
I mean...
It's the truth. I'm not saying anything that's not the truth.
He's a worldwide superstar.
There's even a wax figure of Justin
at Madame Tussauds in London.
It's incredibly lifelike. I've seen it.
He's face down in a wax Usher's lap.
It's--it's weird.
That's a dick sucking joke. We off to a start.
Yeah.
It's gonna get dirty tonight.
Tonight--Here's the thing. Tonight we're gonna do
what his parents and the legal system
should have done a long time ago.
We're about to give this boy a ass-whupping that he deserves.
We are. We are!
Why invite me if you don't want it to get ugly?
I don't understand that.
I mean, come on, we got the right dais to do it.
We got Ludacris. We got my man Snoop Dogg, Shaq.
This is crazy.
Usually, when I see this many brothers sitting together,
Maury Povich is about to open an envelope.
I've never seen anything like it.
Shaq, take that dumbass look off your face.
You look stupid.
Here's my question. Shaq, how did you even
end up on a roast? That's what I want to know.
They must've called up the NBA pregame show
and said, "You know what? Send us the third funniest guy.
"Wait, he's not available?
Send us Shaq. Let us get Shaq then."
My man Snoop Dogg is here. There he is.
Yeah.
Wait, wait, let me clear something up
for all the young people here tonight.
Snoop Dogg is a rapper.
Yeah, that's my aunt's favorite rapper.
You know--
For all the black people that are confused
about that old white woman on the couch,
that's Martha Stewart. Yeah, right there.
That's Martha Stewart right there.
Martha, do me a favor and put your ankle bracelet on vibrate
so we don't have no problems during the show.
But, Martha, understand something.
Tonight, it's about another blond bitch.
It's about Justin Bieber.
That's who we're talking about tonight.
So now, why don't we do this.
Why don't we go and take a look at his huge success
that confuses everyone over the age 14.
Roll security footage right now.
Our next guest has a mind-boggling 80 million views
on YouTube, and he's only 15 years old.
♪ And I was like, baby, baby, baby, oh ♪
♪ Like, I thought you'd always be mine ♪
♪ I'm gone
That's how you do it.
♪ Find me somebody to love
(female news reporter) Justin Bieber is one of the biggest
pop stars on the planet.
(Drake) Now I'd like you to welcome my brother to the stage.
He goes by the name of Justin Bieber.
- Justin Bieber. - Justin Bieber.
(Justin) I love you so much.
[police siren blaring]
(female news reporter) Speeding down the 101 freeway,
pop star Justin Bieber was stopped by police.
(male news reporter) The Boyfriend singer had just returned home
from an overseas concert tour when he began racing his Ferrari
through the streets.
♪ If I was your boyfriend I'd never let you go ♪
(girl) I think about him 99% of my life.
I saw him in the car.
That was the most amazing moment of my life.
Best moment of my life!
Justin Bieber said that he hoped Anne Frank
would have been a Belieber.
That's right, I didn't make that up.
I couldn't have made that up.
♪ If I was your boyfriend
Ow.
(female news reporter) Bieber could face battery charges
after a physical altercation with a photographer.
What the [bleep] you say?
(man) You watch it, man.
- What'd you say? (man) You are [indistinct].
I'll beat the [bleep] out of you.
(male news reporter) He was accused of throwing eggs at this mansion,
causing $20,000 in damage.
Were they Fabergé eggs? What did you throw?
Whoo!
(female news reporter) Bieber is facing multiple charges
after a wild night in Miami Beach.
DUI alcohol or drugs, resisting without violence,
driving with an expired driver's license.
You're too young to be smoking pot
and driving up and down the highway fast!
What are you doing?
- Ah! - What are you doing?
Whoo!
I've done some things that might not have been the greatest.
- Really? Nothing comes to mind. - I know, right?
I don't know what you're talking about.
(man) Justin Bieber has become the new face--
or should we say body-- of Calvin Klein.
Yo, my pee-pee's in there.
♪ As long as you love
The fanfare of what he is as a celebrity
is only partial to what he ultimately will be as an artist.
(Justin) This is not the end of Justin Bieber.
♪ As long as you love me
[cheers and applause]
Tonight--tonight, we're going to talk about redemption.
[gospel organ playing]
We're going to talk about second chances and third chances
and 15th chances.
Sometimes it can be hard to believe,
but I'm not asking you all to believe.
I'm asking you to "beliebe." Yes, yes.
I'm asking you to "beliebe" in a man
with the voice of Stevie Wonder
and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder.
My question to the church is, "Are you ready to beliebe?"
[cheers and applause]
No. No, no, no.
I'll ask again. I said,
"Are you ready to beliebe?"
[crowd cheering]
Are you ready to become Beliebers?
[crowd cheering]
Then, ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber.
[gospel music]
♪
(all) ♪ Got to Beliebe (Kevin) Yeah.
♪ Got to Beliebe He's gonna make a Belieber ♪
♪ A Belieber out of me - Yes!
♪ When you Beliebe When you Beliebe ♪
♪ You will be down, way down, on your bendin' knee ♪
♪ I'm gonna be a Belieber
♪ Till the day I die (Kevin) Yeah.
♪ Shout "I beliebe" from the mountain high ♪
(Kevin) Hey.
♪ Got to Beliebe. (Kevin) Hey.
♪ Got to Beliebe He's gonna make a Belieber ♪
♪ A Belieber out of me
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
We killed the white boy.
The white-- Watch out. Watch out!
Let me through. Jesus, no.
(woman) Oh!
(Kevin) Not like this.
Wait, wait. He's moving! He's moving!
[all cheering] [gospel music]
(all) ♪ He's still alive, We thought he died ♪
♪ You can't kill Justin Bieber no matter what you try ♪
♪ It's time to go on with the show ♪
♪ But you got to-- Got to Belie-e-ebe ♪
Yeah. Come on.
♪
Yeah, oh. Justin Bieber, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
(Kevin) Nice. How you doing?
(Kevin) You're good? - Yep.
That's good. I'm glad that you're good.
- All right. - Here's the thing.
Before we get off to any roasting and any digging,
I want everybody to understand this,
Justin Bieber really does have it all.
I'm serious. He has a dick and a pussy.
Justin, stand up. Pop that thing one time.
Show 'em. Give 'em that hermaphrodite twerk
one time.
I've seen it. No? No?
Let's be honest. Justin, you made a few mistakes.
You're not perfect. He's done some things.
Dude, you got caught peeing on a video in a mop bucket.
Why are these idiots who work for you
taping you pissing? That's what I don't understand.
Like, when someone's filming you taking a piss,
if you don't want them to tape you,
you turn around, you say, "Turn the Goddamn camera off,"
unless it's mandatory like Snoop pissing
in front of his parole officer. That's different, Snoop.
That guy's got to see your dick.
I get it. Don't worry about it.
That's a criminal joke to Snoop 'cause he's been to jail.
You were on the cover of Men's Health.
He's getting a lot of slack
for taking his shirt off all the time.
I don't get it. I don't understand that.
Justin, let me tell you something, man.
Okay, if you can take your shirt off, you do it.
You do it as much as you Goddamn can.
Seriously. Look at Shaq--Shaq--
Shaq hasn't taken his shirt off since high school, okay?
That's a true story. That's a true story right there.
Jeff Ross hasn't taken his shirt off since preschool.
True story.
Martha Stewart had her shirt off in my dressing room.
Stop, stop, stop. Don't get the wrong idea.
She just wanted me to titty fuck her!
Yeah!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Stop.
I'm just trying to loosen y'all up.
I'm sorry.
Martha, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Is that gonna affect me getting free sheets after this, Martha?
Please.
I messed up my chance of getting free sheets,
Goddamn it, Kevin.
Me personally, I'm not mad.
I'm not mad at Justin. I'm not.
I'm gonna tell you who I'm mad at.
I'm mad at his manager.
You, Scooter. That's right.
Scooter Braun right there.
Scooter is the man that actually discovered Justin Bieber.
Scooter Braun was 25 years old.
He was a single man living in Atlanta alone
when he found Justin Bieber on the Internet
in the middle of the night. The middle of the night!
He found a little white boy with nice hair on the Internet.
Sounds to me like Scooter was fresh off a dick-beating session
if you ask me.
Now, I don't know where Chris Hansen is,
but he missed one.
That's a Goddamn predator if I've ever seen one
right there.
Now, Justin, unfortunately, Selena Gomez,
she couldn't be here tonight.
[audience "awws"]
No, she couldn't. She couldn't...
Just because she didn't want to come.
There's no reason. She just didn't want to--
She didn't want to be here.
I wish I had something better to tell you, but I don't.
No, Selena got word that there was rumors
of Justin dealing with Kendall Jenner,
and that shocked me. I was like, "What the fuck?"
That's what I said. "What the fuck?"
I was like, "If you're gonna deal with a Jenner,
I thought it would be Bruce." That's what I thought.
If it was--
Just one. I'm sorry. That's the only one.
I swear to God, guys, no more.
It's no secret that Justin wants to be black.
Can we all agree on that? Justin loves the black culture.
Everybody knows that.
My thing is this, Justin, I just want you
to come to terms with the fact that you're not gangster.
That's Justin's main problem, man.
You're not a gangster! Accept that.
I mean, come on. Orlando Bloom took a swing
at you. That's not gangster, Justin.
It's not!
He's got a perfume called "Girlfriend."
That's not gangster, Justin.
You threw eggs at a house.
Gangsters don't throw fucking eggs!
Snoop, when the last time you threw eggs
at somebody's Goddamn house?
We don't do that! It's not gangster!
Justin--Justin sang the N-word on a video
in a song that was about killing black people!
That's pretty Goddamn gangster, Justin, I'ma give you that.
That's as gangster as you get right there.
He actually got in a lot of trouble
when he got caught saying the N-word on video.
That right there, that should make you feel stupid.
Reason why I say that,
because you know who didn't get caught, Justin?
The billion other white people
that say the N-word every Goddamn day.
I'm talking about you, Martha. I know you say it.
You probably thinking it right now.
"Look at--Look at that little nigger up there
"in his little nigger tux.
"With his little nigger shoes. Look at him,
up there dancing."
Thankfully, Justin avoided the usual--
I guess you could say, former childhood mistakes.
You know, he hasn't had a sex tape.
That's good for you.
He hasn't killed anyone. You haven't bought a monkey.
Oh, shit, you did. You bought a monkey.
And you abandoned the monkey in Germany.
What the fuck was that?
Like, you abandoned a monkey in Germany.
That was a privileged Beverly Hills monkey.
You showed him your lifestyle,
and then you dropped him off in Germany?
Now that monkey's turned out in a Goddamn German zoo
sucking rhino dick 'cause of your bad decision.
It's not about the monkey tonight.
It's about you, Justin. What I want you to do,
I want you to sit back, relax,
'cause it's gonna be a great night, man--
Not for you, for everybody else.
We're gonna have a blast.
It's on! You hear me, people?
It is on!
(announcer) Coming up... - Cameras are here, Jay, go!
(announcer) Natasha Leggero... - I'm about to kill it.
(announcer) Pete Davidson, Shaquille O'Neal...
- Full roast mode, baby. (announcer) Jeff Ross...
- Getting in character. - I'm ready.
(announcer) Chris D'Elia. - Is Ludacris ready
- is what I want to know. - I'm 100% prepared.
(announcer) Hannibal Buress, Martha Stewart,
and Snoop Dogg. - Naughty, naughty, naughty,
naughty.
(announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues.
[techno music]
Are y'all ready to have a good time tonight?
[cheers and applause]
That's what I want to hear.
Okay, our first roaster is Pete Davidson.
Now, he's the newest member of Saturday Night Live.
This introduction is way longer than his Wikipedia page.
Guy from New York, it's Pete Davidson.
[techno music]
♪
Thank you.
It's an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq's dick.
Wow. Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here.
If I was 38, I'd be freaking out right now.
Kev, I loved you as black Annie.
He was so good.
Ludacris!
I don't mean you. I mean Jeff's career.
No, no, I mean, I've been watching these roasts
since I was nine, and what's happening to you, Jeff?
You look like someone put Seth Rogen in the microwave.
Martha, it's nice to see you
interacting with black people for the first time since prison.
That's really nice.
Martha's so old, her first period was the Renaissance.
What's up, Ludacris? What's up, man?
You might know Ludacris from your mom's
That's What I Call Music CD.
Come on, let's hear it for Shaq, right?
[cheers and applause]
Thanks for being here and taking a break
from throwing barrels at Super Mario.
[laughs]
I'm sorry.
[laughs] Please don't eat me.
[laughs] I'm so afraid, you're so big.
One of the many nicknames that Shaq has is "Superman,"
right, and much like Superman, he pretends to be a reporter
and has never met his real father.
No, no, no, no. Shaq is cool, though.
Shaq has shattered eight backboards
and 79 cervixes.
Hannibal--Hannibal Buress is here, everybody, Hannibal.
Hannibal, of course, is famous for exposing Bill Cosby, right,
and only for exposing Bill Cosby.
No, he deserved it though.
Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring
about the consequences--
that Hannibal Buress would become famous.
Snoop Dogg's here.
Snoop, I love Snoop, you know?
Snoop's son just got accepted
to play division one college football.
Yeah. So Snoop Dogg found out he has a son.
And now speaking of someone who probably doesn't know
he has a son, Justin Bieber is here.
Justin-- Give it up for him.
It really is--it's really so cool what he's doing.
You have no idea how awesome this is.
My cast-mate on SNL, Kate McKinnon,
does a perfect impression of Justin.
Perfect, right down to the clit.
Justin has a lot of tattoos.
You have "patience" tattooed on your neck,
and "this doesn't count" right above his asshole.
No, no, no, but Justin's fucked more models than bulimia.
He's the only thing they swallow and don't throw back up.
Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9/11,
and I always regretted growing up without a dad,
until I met your dad, Justin.
Now I'm glad mine's dead.
And now for the greatest transition
in the history of comedy,
two people from the movie Soul Plane are here, right?
[cheers and applause]
Kevin, Snoop, Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life
involving a plane.
All right, well-- No, seriously, Justin,
I just want to say how cool it is for you to be doing this.
Like, you're the dude for our generation, like,
and it's just so cool to see someone our age
do exactly what he wants to do, and you just, like,
took over the world, and like,
it really is an inspiration. This kid's fucking insane,
so thank you, bro.
[techno music]
[cheers and applause]
(Pete) I've always wanted to make fun of him
because everybody my age likes him
more than they like me, and that's not okay.
(announcer) Coming up, Natasha Leggero. and Ludacris.
Are you ready?
(announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues.
[techno music]
♪
All right.
Our next roaster is a semi-famous rapper.
I'm talking about Ludacris.
His first album was called Incognegro,
and his new album, Ludaverse, is hopefully his last.
You may not recognize him from the Fast and Furious movies
because when he's on-screen,
even the white people start talking.
Please welcome one of the most successful rappers of 2001,
Ludacris!
[Ludacris' Money Maker]
♪ Shake your money maker Like somebody about to pay you ♪
♪ I see you on my radar
♪ Don't you act like you afraid of Shh... ♪
♪ You know I got it If you want it, come get it ♪
♪ Stand next to this money Like hey hey hey ♪
Oh, man. Whoo.
Make some noise for Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
I just recently got married. That's something to celebrate.
And Kevin was at my wedding because I needed
a miniature black man on my cake,
so thank you for that.
My good friend Shaquille O'Neal is here this evening.
[cheers and applause]
Look at those big-ass feet.
Man, you got toes in different area codes right now.
You do realize that, right?
Shaq's fingers are so big, every text he's ever sent
is just every letter of the alphabet
at the same damn time.
I'm just playing, Shaq, you know.
You are truly one of the most original rappers.
And by that I mean, most of your CDs
are still covered in their original wrapper.
You do-- you do know that?
I believe the Doggfather's in the house tonight.
[cheers and applause]
Snoop, your homey Dr. Dre just became a billionaire last year,
and you should be proud.
There's not a lot of black billionaires.
There's Dr. Dre
and the guy that sells you weed.
Yeah.
I mean, you are a legend, which is a nice way of saying,
"You old as fuck."
You only do it doggie style now
because it's easier on your lower back.
I see you over there laughing, Martha Stewart.
What you laughing at, huh?
She's so old, if you look closely at the $100 bill,
you can see Martha photo-bombing Ben Franklin in the background.
So let's get to the kid that I've known
longer than anybody else up here, Mr. Justin Bieber.
[cheers and applause]
He may have just turned 21, but Justin will always be
a baby to me since babies piss everywhere
and never know when to shut the fuck up.
I remember one day, I got this call saying,
"We want you to collaborate with this little dude
who will do anything to get famous,"
and I was like, "Great, I love Kevin Hart."
You know? That's my guy.
But this dude turned out to be Justin motherfucking Bieber,
and together we dropped a track called Baby.
[crowd cheering]
It's got over a billion hits on YouTube.
That's because I'm in it.
It also has 4 million dislikes.
That's because he's in it.
It's like you try to roll like a gangster, man,
but you're not tough, Justin. I'm here to let you know, man.
I know you been on Ellen 14 times.
You act so much like a pussy on the show,
Ellen tried to eat you. I mean, come on.
But you've become a music icon
like a modern day Michael Jackson.
The only difference is, as Michael got older,
he acted whiter.
Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad,
he actually has seen Kevin Hart's movies in theaters,
ladies and gentlemen.
Justin, honestly, I feel bad kicking you while you're down,
but since you want to be black,
you might as well get used to it, man.
No, honestly, man, it takes a very brave soul
to get up here, and I just want to say,
I love you, J.B.
I'm glad that you did this. This is a beautiful thing.
Y'all make some noise for my man, Justin Bieber.
[cheers and applause]
[techno music]
♪
All right. Hey, how about Ludacris?
Come on, one time. One time.
[cheers and applause]
Everything I know about being a whore
in the entertainment industry,
I learned from this next roaster.
Of course I'm talking about you, Natasha Leggero.
You guys may have seen her on Reno 91 as a whore on drugs.
If you didn't see that, you may have seen her
in Neighbors as a whore on drugs.
Everybody, I want you to pull out some Purell
for Natasha Leggero right now.
[cheers and applause]
[techno music]
♪
Kevin, you look like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer.
There is a lot of star power up here.
These men combined have made millions
in child support payments.
Kevin, you are everywhere.
You know, Kevin's actually gonna be on the next season
of Game of Thrones.
He's playing Peter Dinklage's shadow.
[cheers and applause]
Kevin does all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair.
He climbs out of his own bathtub.
He goes up on his wife.
Kevin has a Napoleon complex.
Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France.
Ludacris, France is in Europe.
Justin, Europe's a continent.
Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast.
[cheers and applause]
You know, a lot of people don't know this.
"Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome,"
and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."
Shaq's dick is so big,
he has to use Dropbox to send a dick pic.
When I first met Hannibal, I was like,
"You are going to be a star,"
and when I first met Kevin, I was like,
"No, I don't want to buy a candy bar
to support your local after-school program."
Ludacris, not only is your music great,
but I love all your movie.
Jeff Ross, it's great to see you here
once a year at these roasts.
How's the Uber driving going?
Chris D'Elia finally answers the question,
"What if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?"
Sorry, let me just take a second to explain to the black guys
on the dais what a father is.
All right.
I'm excited Snoop's here.
Snoop, you look like Shaq's skeleton.
[cheers and applause]
All these rappers on stage,
and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.
[cheers and applause]
Now, that's not fair.
Justin Bieber, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube.
Time flies when you're a piece of shit.
No, Justin's fans are called "Beliebers,"
because these days, it's considered
politically incorrect to use the term "retards."
Justin, you've been on Ellen
more than a pussy juice moustache.
Mine was better, Ludacris.
Justin was born to a teenage single mom.
No wonder he's got moves.
He was in the womb dodging a coat hanger.
[crowd groans]
Justin, Selena Gomez had to fuck you.
She is literally the least lucky Selena
in all of entertainment history.
No, Justin, you're so successful.
You're so rich. You're like our beetles.
Not the band, the bugs that live in shit.
So...
Justin, I just want to tell you, I think that you are
well on your way to becoming a handsome, young gentleman,
and I really think that things are gonna get better
after this for you, and thank you for--
Thank you for letting me be here and do this.
Thank you, Justin Bieber.
[cheers and applause]
(announcer) Still to come...
- Oh! (announcer) Shaquille O'Neal.
These hands are like a junkie's back.
(announcer) Martha Stewart.
I think she's got a few tricks up her sleeve, right?
(announcer) Snoop Dogg.
Stop yelling at me.
(announcer) Hannibal Buress, and Jeff Ross...
God's pissed at you.
Bill Cosby was his favorite comedian.
[laughter]
(announcer) When the Roast of Justin Bieber continues.
[cheers and applause]
First of all, I can't bring out our next roaster
without giving the attention to Natasha Leggero
that she deserves.
Make some noise for that Goddamn woman.
You killed. Killed!
All right, our next roaster is Shaquille O'Neal.
[applause] Yeah, yeah.
He's an NBA legend with a Doctorate of Education,
but you wouldn't know it by the way that he pronounces
"Doctorate of Education."
Everybody, let's get ready to mumble!
It's Shaquille O'Neal.
Thank you, Webster.
Kevin is the only celebrity with a star
on the yellow brick road.
In case you didn't know, I am Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq Diesel... [whooping]
Superman, Big Aristotle,
Big Cactus, Big Galactus,
and Martha Stewart's baby daddy.
And trust me,
Martha know how to work that motherfucker,
boy, let me tell you.
Once you go Shaq, you never go back.
Ain't that right, Martha?
But I'm not the only baller here tonight.
What's up, Snoop?
How you doing, baby?
Snoop made a reggae album.
If you're a rap fan, you may not have it.
But if you're a reggae fan,
I know you don't fucking have it.
Look at all these scrubs on the stage.
Chris D'Elia,
Hannibal, Natasha,
Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross--
I haven't seen a more disappointing lineup
since the last Lakers game.
Speaking of the game,
my main man Chris Paul from the Clippers is down there.
Hey, Chris,
way you guys playing, you ain't gonna be getting a ring.
I got four of 'em if you need to borrow one.
(crowd) Oh!
You guys suck.
Jeff, how am I the one who played 19 seasons
and you're the one who looks like
you took 20 years of elbows to the face?
You ugly motherfucker.
Look at Jeff--Jeff got a body like a cafeteria lady.
Now, as many of you know,
I'm a police detective in the city of Miami.
So, Justin, as a police officer of the law,
I'm gonna give it to you straight,
which I know will be a new experience for you.
I got a questions, Justin.
What kind of bitch eggs his neighbor's house?
You caused $20,000 in damages.
Imagine the damage you would have caused
if you threw like a boy.
What are you doing dropping 75 Gs in a Miami strip club?
I heard the DJ play one of your songs,
and the dancers complained their pussies were drying up.
Justin, as a father of six,
you gotta straighten up, son.
You know, last year you were ranked
the fifth most hated person of all time.
Kim Jong-Un didn't even score that low.
And he uses your music to fucking torture people.
But thanks to that music, Justin is worth
over $200 million...
and in prison, four packs of Cools.
Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.
Why you gotta bring Jesus in your mess?
That man has suffered enough.
Seriously, Justin, I love ya,
you're a platinum recording artist.
Give it up.
[cheers and applause]
You're a model. Give it up.
[cheering] You're a sex symbol.
Give it up. [cheering]
I just wanna say, Justin Timberlake,
I fucking love you. Thank you.
[upbeat music]
♪
Shaq's hilarious.
♪ I'm gonna have Shaq's baby ♪
(announcer) Still to come on the roast of Justin Bieber,
Martha Stewart...
Actually, this is sort of like doing a roast turkey.
(announcer) And Chris D'Elia.
Actually, I'm up next, so if you're gonna
change the channel, hurry up and do it.
(announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues.
[cheers and applause]
[techno music]
Our next roaster is Chris D'Elia.
Holy shit, yeah.
I know everybody's excited about this.
If you didn't know, he's a star of the NBC show Undateable,
and Chris's standup is actually unwatchable.
I've seen it. It hurts.
He is Justin Bieber's favorite comic,
which is why he has "duh" in the middle of his name.
Please welcome future rapist Chris "Duh" Elia.
Yeah.
[cheers and applause]
No, seriously, keep it going for the ghost of Chris Tucker,
everybody.
No, Kevin's a good guy, and of course he's here,
because he can't say no to anything.
Last week he hosted an ISIS beheading video on Reddit.
What? What the fuck, man?
What the fuck?
Hey, Shaq. Shaq's here.
People don't realize this, but Shaq,
those "I can't breathe" T-shirts,
they were about Shaq's last season with the Celtics.
Jeff Ross, hey.
How about the fact that if there weren't roasts,
Jeff Ross would work at IKEA?
We all do other things, which is why we're on the roasts.
You're on the roasts because you're on the fucking roasts.
Fuck yeah!
Ludacris, what do you do now anyway, okay?
You were a rapper. You make headphones
that no one listens with.
You make Hennessy that no one drinks.
You're like a human going out of business sale.
Snoop Dogg, what's up? It's cool you're here.
You look like dead Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Pete, it's really good to see you.
50 Shades of Grey was based on your complexion.
Pete-- [laughs]
Pete is the same race as whatever the fuck The Rock is
and any parking attendant ever.
Justin Bieber, the man here, huh?
Let's hear it.
[cheers and applause]
Why are you here? This is a terrible idea.
You're about to get fucked harder than Orlando Bloom
fucked Selena Gomez.
(audience) Oh!
For a guy worth $200 million,
why do you dress like Sharon Stone in the '90s?
You look like Sisqo fucked Peter Pan
and then got cast on Orange is the New Black.
Baby is the most hated video online, like, statistically
if you check that shit out, okay,
and there are also ISIS videos online, okay?
That means that someone saw a video with a guy screaming,
"Death to America" and sawing someone's head off and thought,
"Nope, still not worse than Bieber featuring Luda
in a bowling alley."
Thank you.
Thank you, guy half my age.
[laughs]
Seriously, man, I'm proud of you.
You have it all.
You literally are a guy who has it all,
except for respect, love, friends,
good parents, and a Grammy.
Thank you.
[techno music]
[cheers and applause]
Chris D'Elia.
Goddamn it, Chris, that was dark.
That was fucking dark.
There was a couple times where I grabbed my shirt
like, "Jesus Christ, Chris."
But we're here. It's good though.
Justin said you were fine. That's all that counts, right?
How am I supposed to laugh after ISIS?
What the fuck?
Our next roaster is Martha Stewart.
Martha. [cheers and applause]
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
At the age of 73, she's the only white woman
with more street cred than Luda and Snoop combined.
True story.
Please welcome five-years-to-life-style guru,
Martha Stewart, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
First of all, thank you, Kevin Hart.
It's really great to be here.
Oh, there you are.
Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes
over the last hour is the hardest time I've ever done.
As we all know, Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars
in the business right now, and he deserves it.
He struggled for years.
When he finally got his first big paycheck,
he spent $150,000 on a watch.
I forget that term for that.
It's not "African-American rich."
It'll come to me.
[cheers and applause]
Justin, you know the word.
I know you're all wondering why I'm here tonight.
It's because Martha Stewart changes people's lives
for the better, like Shaq for instance.
When Shaq bought his house-- Shaq, are you listening?
I was the first person he called.
The house had 13 bedrooms, and I helped convert 8 of them
into refrigerators.
I believe the bedroom is the most important room
in the house, but I don't have to tell you that, Ludacris.
You have three kids with three different women.
May I suggest pulling out sometime, and finishing
on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?
[cheers and applause]
It's nice to see Snoop again.
One of the highest rated episodes on my show,
Martha Stewart Living, was when Snoop and I
made brownies together,
and I've used his recipe ever since.
As a matter of fact, I ate three of them
right before they called and asked me to do this roast.
Snoop, I see that you've been following my beauty regimen.
You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now,
which is three times as long as actual dogs live
and twice as long as most of his friends.
[laughs]
I taught Snoop that the most important thing
in business is diversification.
Besides his music career, Snoop now has produced a porn movie,
and by the way, Natasha, you were great in that,
so I guess that tonight's the second time
you've worked with five black guys.
You know...
I do a lot of gardening, but you are without a doubt
the dirtiest, used up ho I have ever seen.
Natasha, when a woman is as sexually active as you are,
they have to take special care of their body.
I've come up with a douche that no one has ever heard of,
you know, like Chris D'Elia.
And, Hannibal, all night, I've been trying to remember
who you remind me of.
Then it hit me. You look just like
that gingerbread man I left in the oven too long.
Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight,
which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use
when he inevitably ends up in prison.
I've been in lockup, and you wouldn't last a week,
so pay attention.
The first thing you'll need is a shank.
I made mine out of a pintail comb
and a pack of gum.
I'll show you how later. It's so simple.
I found Bubblicious works best, and it's so much fun to say.
You see, when I did my stretch,
all the hood rats on my cellblock
wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass,
so I decided some bitch needed to get got.
I walked into the chow hall,
picked out the biggest bull dyke,
and I stuck her. From then on,
prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
[cheers and applause]
And--[laughs]
And Shaq--
Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge.
Justin, before I go, here's my final piece of advice.
You need to settle down,
bring some balance into your life,
find yourself the right gal,
but she'll have to be someone on your level,
someone powerful and famous and rich,
someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge
in the occasional three-way.
I'm talking about a "playa" in the boardroom
and a freak in the bedroom.
So, Justin, my final piece of advice is call me, or--
[cheers and applause]
Or not. I'm out, bitch.
[techno music]
[cheers and applause]
(announcer) Still to come, Jeff Ross...
Killer. The killer.
(announcer) And Snoop Dogg.
I'm going bodyguard hard, man.
I ain't fixin' to play no games, man.
(announcer) When The Roast of Justin Bieber continues.
[techno music]
All right. Martha Stewart, Goddamn.
[cheers and applause]
Our next roaster is Jeff Ross.
Now...
I actually gave Jeff a role in my movie The Wedding Ringer,
and he doubled the budget because he demanded
to be paid in cake.
Right now, I want everybody to pull out a bucket of fish
for the roastmaster himself, Jeff Ross, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
How cool is this?
Give it up for the Biebs, doing great so far.
[cheers and applause]
Fantastic. This is so fun.
I never roasted somebody with a bedtime before.
I got to give you props, asking us to roast you.
Ballsy move, dude, especially since you haven't
put out an album in three years.
Come on, Biebs, what are you doing with your life?
If you listen closely, you can hear the sound
of One Direction fucking your fans.
A lot of Beliebers are upset
that Justin's never won a Grammy.
Well, there's Martha Stewart. She can be your Grammy.
Martha Stewart's here because Paula Deen
refused to sit with this many black folk.
What is this, the Comedy Central March on Ferguson?
Martha, I want to fuck you so bad.
I bet your pubic hair is 50 shades of gray.
Martha went to prison for dumping worthless stock
for idiot consumers to buy, which reminds me,
Ludacris' new album drops tomorrow.
But enough about Ludacris, let's talk about "food-acris,"
Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq. [growls]
I like to talk to him in his native tongue.
Shaq was the original 2 Chainz,
'cause that's how he was brought into this country.
Shaq's dick is so big, he uses it as a selfie stick.
Love you, Kev. You're doing
a hell of a job as the host tonight, man.
I really appreciate how funny you are.
I really do.
[cheers and applause]
Kevin's a big star now, but he doesn't need private jets
'cause he likes to be shot out of a cannon.
Kev, we've been friends a long time.
I want to congratulate you.
I hear your girlfriend recently got down on one knee
so you could propose, and--
How do y'all make love, puppy style?
Chris D'Elia's here. Chris, how you doing, man?
Chris is here because he's
Justin Bieber's favorite comedian.
Wow, what an endorsement.
That's like being Shaq's favorite poet.
[laughs]
Snoop, love you, buddy. Love you, man, so much.
You look like a retired WNBA player.
The only person that's inhaled more smoke than Snoop
is Pete Davidson's dad inside the World Trade Center.
Thanks, Pete. I'm sorry, Shaq.
I know that was your favorite building to climb.
Shaq, [growls] Never forget.
[growls]
Oh, this is so much fun.
I gotta give a shout-out to one of my favorite people ever,
Dave Chappelle over there. What's up, dude?
Don't be scared. Watching the roast.
Super big comedy fan, my friend.
[loud cheering] One of the greats.
Love you, buddy.
Thank you for flying in from South Africa
to be with us tonight.
Justin, I feel like I'm roasting you
for the entire world tonight.
The roast fans really want blood this time,
even though most of your fans
haven't even gotten their periods yet.
But if you can take a joke, then so can the Beliebers
watching tonight, because face it, Biebs,
you've become a cocky little shit.
You are the King Joffrey of pop.
[cheers and applause]
What's your rap name, Feminem?
Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she's dating men now.
Is it true you dumped her because she grew a moustache
before you?
That's right, Selena Gomez used to bang this guy,
proving once again that Mexicans will do
the disgusting jobs Americans just won't do.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S--
Now there are rumors going around
you might have been dating Kendall Jenner.
Hi, Kendall. How you doing, doll?
You having fun? That's good.
What dating site did you two meet on, O-K Stupid?
Anyway, Biebs, you have such a huge career behind you.
But lately, a lot of people have been pointing
their fingers at you,
and those are just lesbians showing the barber
how they want their hair cut.
Even when you went to Anne Frank's house,
there were fans waiting for you outside.
I wish they were the same people
that were waiting for Anne Frank.
Oh, come on!
You said Anne Frank would've been a Bieblier.
If Anne Frank heard your music,
she would've Ubered to Auschwitz.
And, Biebs, we've all seen your sexy underwear commercials,
and don't worry, you're not the first youngster
to have Calvin Klein wedged in your asshole.
But you know what?
The best part about taking Justin from behind
is that you can shave half his head
and pretend it's Miley Cyrus.
You like that one?
Justin's ass is like a movie ticket,
'cause it was ripped apart by an "usher."
[audience groans]
And as you sat here taking it like a man tonight,
you were probably thinking that none of us know
what we're talking about, 'cause you're gonna fly
out of here on a private jet full of cash and models,
and we'll all be trying to finger-bang Martha Stewart
at the afterparty.
And you know what, Biebs, you're right.
You're young, you're talented, you're famous,
and that can be a lot of pressure,
but you're a smart man with a good heart,
and I know you'll never end up
like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse...
respected.
Happy birthday, buddy.
[techno music]
Good show, buddy.
(announcer) Coming up...Snoop Dogg...
- Hannibal Buress. - I hate everybody.
(announcer) And Justin Bieber
when the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber continues.
[techno music]
[cheers and applause]
Are we having a good time tonight? Yes?
[cheers and applause]
Our next roaster is Snoop. Yeah, he's here.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, Snoop used to call himself the "D-O-double-G."
That's right, The Dogg.
Right, Snoop?
Back in the day, the reason why he called himself The Dogg.
is because he was a dog with the ladies.
It's true.
Now he's called The Dogg because he sleeps all day
in a sun spot on the living room floor.
Isn't that true? That's true, Snoop.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise
for Snoop Dogg right now.
[Snoop Dogg's Peaches 'N Cream]
♪ That's that look all on her face ♪
♪ Shorty dancing like she knows She's the baddest in the place ♪
Kevin, you look good tonight, dog.
Some real shit, nephew. You look real good.
I didn't know the Muppets made
motherfucking clothes for a nigger though.
Yes, sir. Now, look,
Kevin's from Philadelphia, right, just like Bill Cosby.
And just like Bill Cosby,
women can't tell when Kevin's inside of them.
[crowd groans]
Yeah. I don't need no warm-up.
I've been smoking and drinking. I feel real good about myself.
[cheers and applause]
Yes, sir.
Now, check this out, I done a whole bunch of roasts, right,
but they never let a real player on stage with me until tonight.
We got Ludacris in the motherfucking house.
Luda. Luda!
I love that song of yours where you said,
♪ If you a pimp and you know it You don't love them hos ♪
That shit was tight.
But you know who else said that that was tight?
Me, 15 years before you did it,
nigger, stop biting my shit.
But here's one of Ludacris' original rhymes.
"There's hos in the room. There's hos in the car.
There's hos on the stage. There's hos by the bar."
Nigger, are you a rapper or Dr. Seuss?
Now, this little bitty fine little...
Natasha Leggero.
Is that how you say it, "Leg-gero"?
- No, but that's okay. - Le-ghetto.
That's how we say it.
I seen how you was looking at me though, right?
What I want to know is
have you ever sucked a black dick before?
Hey, I'm going off script right now.
I just really want to know.
Hey.
Hey, something about this pimping, man.
You understand me? When I'm pimping, man,
that shit just go every direction.
But let me talk about my homeboy right here, Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq Daddy.
I always say that Shaq is the greatest Laker of all time,
unless I'm chilling with Kobe Bryant.
Ohhh!
Y'all got to excuse my little retarded cousin right there.
Somebody get his little helmet
and get that little yellow bus around the side.
Hannibal Buress.
You the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off of it.
Now, Jeff Ross, check this out, Jeff.
Now, see, Jeff is what you call a throwback,
because his face looks like something
that you could have a hook in it.
That's right, that's a fishing joke.
I fish, motherfucker.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, dog!
Now that I've done said what I needed to say
about all the rest of these hos and bitches up on the stage,
it's time to talk about the bitch of the hour,
Justin "Leave it to" Bieber.
[cheers and applause]
Justin's life changed when Usher heard one of his songs
and liked it, which only goes to prove
that Usher ain't black.
Now, Justin, you released
so many horrible and unwatchable videos,
you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.
[crowd groans]
No, no, no. Real shit though.
- Oh, shit. - Real shit.
This is my nigger right here, nigger.
Hold on, nigger, this my nigger.
Nigger, this my nigger.
Nigger, you had your shot, nigger.
This is my nigger right here, nigger.
Nigger.
Goddamn, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.
Now, most niggers, like myself,
we go a little crazy when we get famous.
Buy some dope cars, fuck some bad bitches,
but, nigger, you bought a monkey.
I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed
than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.
Now, when J-Bird got arrested,
he had a big smile in his mug shot.
Not because he gangster, because he knows what goes on in jail.
Now, Justin, you so motherfucking pretty,
when the inmates saw your mug shot,
they swiped right.
Let me say this to you, J.B.
Justin Bieber, D-M-B, "damn near black."
Now see, black people, we normally hate when white people
try to steal our culture and be like us,
minus the discrimination, police brutality,
and the marching and shit.
That was until Justin Bieber came along.
We don't mind him smoking weed in public
while sagging in the club, pissing in the mop bucket,
drunk driving, living in a mansion
while playing loud music and hating the neighbors
for not welcoming change.
Welcome to the family, my nigger.
[cheers and applause] ♪ She 'bout to go in
♪ She likes that low end
♪ Damn, her ass is so big
That was Snoop Dogg, everybody.
I just want to--You know, I just want to take a second right now
to speak on behalf of all the black people.
I don't--I don't know how many niggers
we were allowed to say in this show,
but I think--I definitely think Snoop used them all.
Like, we're done. Like, we're done.
Like, dude, we had, like, ten. They gave us ten.
You used them all, and then you blamed us.
You was like, "Yo, they got us drinking and smoking."
No, we don't. That's you.
It's just you. You.
You did that. Don't do that to us.
I want Snoop removed.
Like, if this was the block, I would snitch.
It was him. He did it.
He said we all doing drugs.
We drinking and smoking back there.
No, we're not. It's just you!
Fuck you. Fuck you, Snoop.
I didn't do nothing.
You tried to ruin me tonight, you son of a bitch.
You tried to--You tried to make it a group black thing.
That's what you tried to do.
"All us niggers up here."
No, it's not. No, it's not.
[techno music]
She's worried about her lipstick.
- Let me-- - Shut up.
- Let me check it out for her. - [laughing]
(announcer) Still to come: Justin Bieber,
and Hannibal Buress.
You're getting it. Brrr!
(announcer) When the Comedy Central Roast
of Justin Bieber continues.
This is something that I really enjoy,
and I want to be invited back.
I love the roasts.
- Yeah! [techno music]
♪
Hannibal Buress is up next,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'm a fan. I love Hannibal.
I really do.
We know why he's here, okay,
'cause he's not happy just destroying my childhood hero.
That's not--that doesn't make him feel good enough.
No, no, no. He's here to destroy my
daughter's childhood hero as well.
I want you guys to please welcome the man who's so slow
and drowsy that you think that Bill Cosby drugged him.
I'm talking about Hannibal Buress, ladies and gentlemen.
Hannibal Buress.
[hip-hop music]
What's up? Hello.
Kevin Hart, everybody.
Kevin Hart.
Congrats on all your success, Kevin.
I'm sure it's gonna last forever.
It's amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here.
Is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry's Of Mice and Men?
Shaq's a very unique player in NBA history.
He's the first player in NBA history to have his shoe size,
IQ, and jersey all be the same number.
Shaq is a police officer in Florida.
If you want to escape from Shaq, just jog slowly away from him
'cause that's--
And he'll fall eventually.
Snoop is here. Snoop Dogg.
Snoop D-O-double-G.
Snoop is like a cool-ass salamander.
Snoop's like a rejected Mortal Kombat boss.
"Now you have to fight fake Crip."
Snoop is good at social media, but he's bad at music now.
Snoop, the only way you'll get another hit is if you stand
behind Suge Knight's car in a parking lot.
Chris--I don't know if you know this about Chris.
He doesn't smoke weed.
He doesn't drink. He's never done any drugs.
His only vice is performing horrible standup comedy
all around the country.
Speaking of horrible comics, Jeff Ross is here.
Jeff Ross. Jeff, you look horrible.
Jeff looks like a combination of every "before" picture ever.
Jeff only does roasts.
Congratulations on being the only person on this stage
that's making 95% of your yearly income today.
It's good to see Comedy Central diversifying its talent
with whatever race Pete Davidson is.
You just look real-- You're just real vague, man.
You have a weird, vague-ass face, and I don't like it.
I don't like your face at all, man.
You seem like a nice person, but when I talk to you,
I don't have fun.
Pete. Pete has got a lot going on.
Pete, I don't know how you can juggle SNL, standup,
and Lorne Michaels' balls in your mouth
all at the same time.
An amazing multi-tasker Pete Davidson is.
Natasha Leggero is here which means that right now
there's a bachelor party discovering
that their cake is empty.
I'm not saying that Natasha's a whore,
but I'm saying that Shaq can fit both feet in her pussy.
And now the man of the hour.
Justin Bieber, you dainty wigger, you.
Justin Bieber. They say that you roast
the ones you love, but I don't like you at all, man.
I'm just here 'cause this is a real good opportunity for me.
Justin, oh, you gotta give it up for Justin.
He started from the bottom, and he's still a bottom.
I don't like your music, man. I'm not a big fan of it.
I listened to some of it. I'm not a fan.
I don't like your music.
I think it's bad. I think it's bad, man.
I don't like it.
I hate your music, man.
I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
Yo, Justin, man.
Well, this has been cool,
and despite all those foul things I said,
you seem like a sharp businessman,
and, uh...
this is real cool that you did this
and let all these strangers shit on you
in front of all these people,
and I actually like that song Confident.
That's a good song. I like that song.
So thanks for letting me do it, and congratulations, man.
All right, later, y'all.
Hannibal just killed me.
(announcer) Up next,...
Ahh! Catch me, Kevin!
(announcer) Justin Bieber gets revenge...
Let's do this.
- Everybody in here? - I'm not in it.
[techno music]
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would give an introduction, but I don't need to.
Ron Burgundy.
[cheers and applause]
Listen, people. Listen, listen.
I don't have a lot of time, all right?
I don't have a lot of time.
I'm currently over at stage 24
hosting Spike TV's
"Your Mother's a Fat Bitch" awards show.
Some real clever writing, great energy over there.
Boy, have we got a great gang of talented comics here tonight.
We've got Tom Dreesen,
Willie Tyler, and Lester.
I didn't realize Lester was a live human being.
Gary Mule Deer,
Fannie Flagg,
top notch.
Star-studded evening.
Listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Justin Biber--Justin Bieber,
you've been taking it on the chin tonight.
You really have.
In fact, absolutely abused,
and I'm just here to say one thing.
You people don't know what the hell you're talking about.
As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right.
Here's a couple things I know.
September 1st, 2014, Bieber arrested for a collision with
a minivan in his hometown of Stratford, Ontario, Canada,
and then beat up the occupant of the minivan.
Nice work!
October 18th, 2010, Bieber accused of assaulting
a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena.
Kaboom!
I only wish the kid was a nine-year-old.
March 28th, 2013, Bieber flies into Munich
with his pet monkey, Mally,
doesn't have the proper paperwork,
so he leaves it at a zoo in Germany.
It's a monkey. It's named Mally.
Don't think twice-- you leave it at a German zoo.
March 4th, 2013, two hours late to a concert in Dubai
because he refused to stop playing a video game.
Say what?
Hocked a loogie at his neighbor
after the guy complained that Bieber was driving 100 mph
in his gated community neighborhood.
Eat that, bitch!
July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket.
As he runs off, he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton
with a bottle of blue liquid
and yells, "Fuck Bill Clinton!"
There's not a person in this room who hasn't done that,
you hypocritical assholes.
This kid has spunk, moxie,
and probably a few other STDs, okay?
I've always encouraged people to stay classy,
and what's more classy than hanging out
with Floyd Mayweather?
Would I love to see Biebs spending time
with Oscar Pistorius?
Of course I would, but that day will come.
People refer to Mr. Bieber as a kid or a boy,
but here's a newsflash, gang.
He's a man,
a full-grown man who works and loves
and makes things with his hands,
a man who sings songs for nine-year-olds
and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater.
This guy just continues to impress.
Is there anything he can't do?
In fact, I pulled my pants down
and took a big, creamy shit in the green room
because I thought to myself,
"That's how the Biebs would do it.
Again and again and again."
If anything, Justin Bieber,
not only do you need to continue to live your life
with the same reckless abandon,
I suggest you turn up the heat.
Oh, and one last thing, if you're watching
from your monkey cage in Germany...
Go to bed, Mally.
Good night.
[pop music]
♪
(announcer) Up next: Justin Bieber.
There he is! Justin Bieber.
That's the guy you want.
Wow.
You know what? Right now it's finally time
to bring up the boy of the hour.
You, Justin Bieber, it's time, man.
Here's what I want to say.
At 21, he's already the most famous living celebrity
in the world. It's true.
He has over 60 million followers on Twitter.
He's at 40 million on Grindr.
It's true. It's true.
It's weird, but it's true. They love you, Justin.
He's a platinum-selling recording artist, okay?
Justin Bieber has the voice of an angel,
and he has the haircut and tattoos of a lesbian butcher.
This shit is bad.
It's bad. I don't like it, but I love him,
so I can't tell him. You guys do it.
Write a letter. It's fucked up.
It's fucked up, man.
Him and Snoop are in the same position.
Nobody wants to say anything. Look at Snoop's look.
It's like a teenage boy in high school, but he grew up,
but he didn't graduate, but he's in college.
What the fuck are you doing?
Why does Snoop have on Chucks? It makes me so mad.
I hate it. I hate it.
What the fuck are you doing?
Let it go. Your kids are in college.
What 70-year-old nigger is doing this?
I hate it.
Justin, that's where you're headed.
It's right in front of your face.
Look at old success.
Shaq has on a tie with glitter,
and what the fuck are you doing?
Like, I don't even know what it is.
- Diamonds. - Shaq, it's not diamonds.
It's graffiti. You're stupid.
I hate it. I hate my people, man.
I really do.
You know, I would say something about you, Jeff,
but this is all you got.
I don't want to fuck this up for you.
Every year you're back here. This is it.
You're you, okay?
That's what you say to people that you know not gonna make it.
You're you.
Right now, you know what?
It's about the guy that we came to roast tonight,
and I can be honored to say I'm a fucking fan.
Not only am I a fan, I'm a friend.
I'm glad to be here tonight, Justin, and I think
everybody else up here tonight can say the same thing.
With that being said,
please make some noise and welcome Justin Bieber,
ladies and gentlemen. - ♪ I need somebody to love
♪ Do-do-do
♪ Oh, I don't need too much
♪ Just somebody to love
♪ Somebody to love
♪ I don't need nothing else
♪ I promise, girl, I swear
♪ I just need somebody to love
Damn, you guys were brutal.
Goodness gracious.
This was supposed to be a birthday present.
When I tell people what I got for my 21st birthday,
I get to tell them that I got my dick kicked in.
I know I've been driving recklessly,
getting arrested, smoking weed,
abandoning monkeys, and urinating publicly,
but my biggest regret is plowing my Maserati
into Jeff Ross's Saturn in the parking lot, man.
And, Jeff,
I feel really bad because I don't know
where you're gonna sleep tonight, man.
Look, I'm new to comedy, but here's a joke, all right?
What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?
A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.
[laughter and applause]
All right, all right. I'm playing.
You guys were all really funny tonight.
When we were looking for a roastmaster,
we called Jamie Foxx, Chris Rock,
and they both couldn't do it.
Then I had a great idea. Let's call Kevin Hart
and see if he has Dave Chappelle's number.
No, I have hu--
[inaudible]
- [indistinct] - He didn't have it.
He didn't have it.
(Justin) Kevin, you were awesome tonight.
I have huge respect for Kevin Hart.
Kevin loves seeing himself on the big screen.
And for him that's an iPad mini. Sorry.
Kevin is so short, he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne."
I love Kevin Hart's career plan.
Do everything Martin Lawrence did, only shittier.
And, Martha, thanks for coming.
I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore.
Ah, Natasha Leggero,
this is my first time seeing you perform.
You were really great even though you didn't shoot out
a single ping pong ball like Snoop promised.
And, Jeff Ross, thanks for being here, man.
Jeff, you look like the emoji you send
when you want to tell someone you have food poisoning.
Oh.
Chris D'Elia is my favorite comedian,
and I'm lucky to call him a friend.
Chris actually brought me on stage
at one of his shows, and it was really cool.
It was the first time I got to see what it was like
to perform for eight people staring at their phones.
I'm a huge fan of Chris D'Elia.
Chris gets a ton of girls. You want to know why?
'Cause I'm a big fan of Chris D'Elia.
That's right. That's what I get.
Love you.
Luda, what's up, man?
I knew you would show up for me tonight.
I feel like I've known you my whole life,
but that's just because you look like
the Mr. Potato Head I had as a kid.
- Luda and I had-- - [laughing]
That's good. That's good.
Luda and I had a lot of hours making the song Baby together.
In fact, he told me it was the only baby
he ever made on purpose.
Of course I had to have one of my favorite people
in the world here tonight, Shaquille O'Neal.
Thanks for coming, man.
I love you, dude, but how in 19 seasons
have you only made one three-pointer?
I've hit more pedestrians with my car.
And Hannibal Buress, thank you so much for being here.
I don't really know much about you,
but from what I've been hearing,
I hope you don't know much about me either.
Snoop Doggie Dogg, what's up, man?
He's way too shy to admit this, but he was actually
the Billboard top male artist the year I was born.
And look at you now, Snoop.
You're one of the ten dudes at my roast
sitting right next to Martha Stewart
and that Hannibal guy.
How cool is this? So cool.
You made it. I'm proud of you, man.
I'm proud of you.
Before I go, I want to thank everyone for tonight.
This roast was a dream of mine.
I especially want to thank all my fans, the dais,
and everyone watching at home.
I turned a lot of people off over the past few years,
but I know I can still turn out good music
and turn everything all around. You have my word.
I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter,
or sitting on the dais of somebody else's roast.
No, but seriously.
Really, let's get serious for a second.
There was really no preparing me for this life.
I was thrown into this at 12 years old,
and I didn't really know what I was getting myself into.
There's been moments I'm really proud of,
and a lot of moments I look back
and I'm pretty disappointed in myself for,
but the things that I've done really don't define who I am.
I'm a kindhearted person who loves people,
and through it all I lost some of my best qualities.
For that, I'm sorry.
But what I can say is I'm looking forward to being someone
that you guys can all look at and be proud of,
someone you can smile at and see some of yourself in.
Someone close to me once said,
"It's how you rise from a fall
that truly defines you as a man."
I'm excited for that challenge,
and I want to say thank you so much
for taking this journey with me,
and I'm excited for you to see what's next.
Thank you, God, for your grace
and for never giving up on me.
[cheers and applause]
But one more thing. One more thing before I go.
There's someone in my life who I owe a special apology to.
I'm talking about someone who I really loved
and lost because I screwed it all up,
but thankfully that special someone,
the love of my life, is here tonight.
I just want that second chance, so if you could come on out.
This is your monkey.
I missed you, buddy. Want to go to the zoo?
I'm just kidding.
Thank you so much and good night.
You did good, man. I'm proud of you, buddy.
Incredible fucking show.
[techno music]
♪
It takes a lot of balls to do that.
I wouldn't be able to do that.
Happy to do it.
Great, dude. It really was.
- It was really great. - That's my guy, right?
♪